AS GOOD AS IT GETSAS GOOD AS IT GETS
AS GOOD AS IT GETSAS GOOD AS IT GETS
by
Mard Andrus
And
James L. Brooks
Story by
Mark Andrus
FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT
ANGLE ON apartment doorway. As it opens and an
enormously SWEET-FACED, ELDER WOMAN steps out, bungled up
against the cold -- turning back to call inside to the
unseen love of her long life.
SWEET-FACED WOMAN
I'm just going to get some
flowers, dear. I'll be back in
twenty minutes. It's tulip season
today. I'm so happy.
And now she turns and faces the hallway... her sweetness
dissolves in a flash... replaced by repulsion and that
quickly she has reversed herself and re-entered her
apartment... closing the door as we consider her vacated.
POV - MELVIN UDALL
in the hallway... Well past 50... unliked, unloved,
unsettling. A huge pain in the ass to everyone he's ever
met. Right now all his considerable talent and strength
is totally focused on seducing a tiny dog into the
elevator door he holds open.
MELVIN
Come here, sweetheart... come on.
ON DOG
Sniffing at a particular spot on the hall carpeting.
Melvin lets the elevator door close and advances on the
mutt who has ignores him.
MELVIN
Wanna go for a ride? Okay,
sweetie?
The dog lifts his leg at the precise moment Melvin lunges
and picks him up with a decisive heft -- so that dog
urine squirts the hall wall for a second or two. The DOG
sensing a kindred spirit starts to GROWL and BARK.
MELVIN
(a malevolent tone)
You've pissed your last floor, you
dog-eared monkey.
The dog takes a snap at Melvin, but the man is much
meaner and quicker than the dog -- he holds his snout
shut with his hand and reaches for the door of the
garbage chute.
MELVIN
I'll bet you wish you were some
sort of real dog now, huh? Don't
worry... this is New York. If you
can make it here, you can make it
anywhere, you know? You ugly,
smelly fuck.
And with that, he stuffs him in the garbage chute and
lets go. We hear a FADING SERIES of PLEADING "ANOOOOS"
from the DOG fade to nothingness... as another apartment
door opens emitting the loud sounds of a PARTY and SIMON
NYE, early 30s. Simon has been born and raised with
Gothic horror and it's strange that what that stew of
trauma has produced is a gifted, decent man.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT
Frantic... he bolts into the hall... Melvin is just about
to enter his apartment.
SIMON
Verdell!?!! Here, good doggie...
He notices Melvin at the far end of the hall.
SIMON
Mr. Udall... excuse me. Hey
there!
(as Melvin turns)
Have you seen Verdell?
MELVIN
What's he look like?
Melvin starts to walk back to his apartment door which is
directly opposite Simon's.
SIMON
My dog... you know... I mean my
little dog with the adorable
face... Don't you know what my dog
looks like?
MELVIN
I got it. You're talking about
your dog. I thought that was the
name of the colored man I've been
seeing in the hall.
Simon looks O.S. -- and sees his black friend.
SIMON
Which color was that?
MELVIN
Like thick molasses, with one of
those wide noses perfect for
smelling trouble and prison
food...
Simon has had it.
SIMON
Frank Sachs -- Melvin Udall.
MELVIN
(not missing a beat)
How're you doing?
SIMON
Franks shows my work, Mr. Udall. I
think you know that.
FRANK
(overlapping)
Simon, you've got to get dressed.
MELVIN
(to Simon)
What I know is that as long as you
keep your work zipped up around
me, I don't give a fuck what or
where you shove your show. Are we
being neighbors for now?
SIMON
(to Frank)
Do you still think I was
exaggerating?
FRANK can only smile.
FRANK
Definitely a package you don't
want to open or touch.
MELVIN
Hope you find him. I love that
dog.
Simon, terminally non-confrontational, still finds
himself compelled to turn back toward Melvin.
SIMON
(directly)
You don't love anything, Mr.
Udall.
Simon closes his door leaving Melvin alone in the
hallway.
MELVIN
I love throwing your dog down the
garbage chute.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT, BATHROOM - NIGHT
Melvin locks and unlocks and locks his door, counting to
five with each lock. He turns the lights quickly on and
off and on five times and makes a straight-line towards
his bathroom where he turns on the hot water and opens
the medicine chest.
INT. MEDICINE CHEST
Scores of neatly stacked Neutrogena soaps. He unwraps
one -- begins to wash -- discards it -- goes through the
process two more times.
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE HALL - NIGHT
A group of PARTY GOERS enters -- followed by a HANDYMAN
holding Verdell who looks and finds:
SIMON
who looks up -- lights up -- and tears up as he moves
quickly toward the group and his dog.
SIMON
Thank the good Lord... wow... my
honey... where have you been?
PARTY GOER
(thinking the greeting's
for him)
He always liked me.
As Simon goes past him to take the dog from the
Handyman... JACKIE, Frank's junior partner, barking a
laugh at the Party Goer -- VERDELL BARKING some love. As
the others greet Simon, Jackie directs the group inside.
Jackie lingers, looking on affectionately as Simon picks
some awful, sticky gunk from the dog's body... he puts
Verdell down to reach for his wallet -- the tiny DOG YAPS
in protest.
SIMON
Just for a second, okay?
The DOG YAPS "no." Simon, delighted, picks him up again.
SIMON
(kissing him on the mouth)
Look at him... where was little
baby?
HANDYMAN
(smiling)
In the basement garbage bin eating
diaper shit.
Simon reacts -- then notices the Handyman, tongue in
cheek, trying to suppress his amusement.
SIMON
Go ahead, John, you earned your fun.
(looking at Verdell)
How did he get down in the
basement? I mean even if he got
on the elevator how... ?
HANDYMAN
Maybe some nice neighbor shoved
him down the garbage chute.
SIMON
My God! No!
He stares out... Frank frustrated following.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - OFFICE - NIGHT
Quiet -- safe -- just Melvin's voice reading aloud as he
writes.
MELVIN
'Somewhat in the dark, she had
confessed and he had forgiven.
This is what you live for, he
said. Two heads on a pillow where
there is only the safety of being
with each other. How, she
wondered, could she find such hope
in the most shameful part of her.'
He barely reacts as we hear a LOUD KNOCKING at he reads.
SIMON (O.S.)
Mr. Udall.
But Melvin's into it. His fingers flying as he reads.
MELVIN
'At last she was able to define
love. Love was... '
More KNOCKING.
SIMON (O.S.)
Mr. Udall, I'd like to talk to you
please.
MELVIN
'Love was... '
He almost has the rest of the sentence -- the meaning of
love -- but the knocking throws him.
MELVIN
... Son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed-
stool-pusher.
He burst from his chair.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - NIGHT
As Simon hears MELVIN through the door and takes a step
back. Melvin throws open the door. He looks demonic.
MELVIN
(loud and angry)
Yeeeess!!!
SIMON
Maybe this can wait.
Frank signals encouragement as Melvin opens the door.
SIMON
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.
MELVIN
Well, that's a load off.
Melvin walks back into the apartment and is about to
close the door when Simon has another burst of bravery.
SIMON
Did you... do something to him?
MELVIN
Do you realize that I work at
him?
SIMON
(eyes downcast)
No, I didn't.
MELVIN
Do you like to be interrupt when
you are danging around in your
little garden?
SIMON
No... actually, I even shut the
phone off and put a little piece
of cardboard in the ringer so no
one can just buzz me from d...
MELVIN
Well, I work all the time. So
never, never again interrupt me.
Okay? I mean, never. Not 30
years from now... not if there's
fire. Not even if you hear a thud
from inside my home and a week
later there's a smell from in
there that can only come from a
decaying body and you have to hold
a hanky against your face because
the stench is so thick you think
you're going to faint even then
don't come knocking or, if it's
election night and you're excited
and want to celebrate because some
fudge-packer you dated has been
elected the first queer President
of the United States... and he's
going to put you up in Camp David
and you just want to share the
moment with someone... don't knock
... not on this door. Not for
anything. Got me. Sweetheart?
SIMON
Yes. It's not a subtle point
you're making.
MELVIN
Okay, then.
Melvin enters his apartment and slams the door shut.
SIMON
So the theory of confrontations is
that now he'll think twice before
messing with me?
Frank smiles affectionately. Simon turns serious.
SIMON
He's genuinely upsetting, isn't
he?
FRANK
Won't worry about it. You go
ahead.
Frank waits till Simon EXITS SCENE and then knocks loudly
on Melvin's door. There is a sharp change in his demeanor.
MELVIN (O.S.)
Oh, I'm pissed!! Now I am really
pissed!!!
Frank waits patiently as Melvin jerks his door back open.
Frank immediately grabs Melvin by his shirt and jerks him
forward... Melvin is scared. Operating on survival mode.
MELVIN
No touch. No touch. No touch.
FRANK
You may think you can intimidate
the whole world with your
attitude, but I grew up in Hell.
My grandmother had more attitude.
You don't intimidate me.
MELVIN
(calling)
Police! Police! Fucking crooked
police... doughnut-munching morons
help me!
(to Frank)
Assault and battery and you're
black.
FRANK
Shhhh now. I like Simon. I like
him enough to batter you
unrecognizable if you verbally
abuse him or so much as touch his
dog again. Meanwhile, I'll try
and think how you can make this up
to him.
(suddenly loud)
I hate doing this. I'm an art
dealer.
(beat)
Have a nice day. Party!
He tosses Melvin back and walks out. Melvin straightens
his shirt as he steps out into the hall. Frank smiles as
he re-enters the other apartment. Melvin appears
impressed.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET NEAR CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY
A crowded and dirty street and here comes Melvin. His
walk is brisk -- an animal wanting to pass through the
danger without giving off the scent of its mounting fear.
At times he places his palms together and extends his
arms cutting a path through people. We will be very
pointed in the fact that he avoids stepping on cracks.
CLOSER ON MELVIN
His eyes focused on the terrain.
INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY
ANGLE ON WAITRESS
CAROL CONNELLY talks with another MOTHER -- a customer.
You would not guess it, but her working hours tend to be
the most carefree time of the day. She is telling a
story about her son for the umpteenth time.
CAROL
(to the Mother's
little girl)
Look at you, you're all better.
MOTHER
It's that new medication.
CAROL
You know all my son's stuff,
right?
The Mother nods too sympathetically that she does, but
Carol interrupts her.
CAROL
No, no, no, I got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door this
morning and he says to me, 'Mom,
I promise not to get one of my
fevers or coughs during your
date.'
MOTHER
Isn't that sweet.
CAROL
Little blonde angle.
(to child,
affectionately)
Eat everything.
Melvin enters and moves past several empty tables to a
table towards the back and is obviously surprised to find
a MAN and WOMAN sitting at the table.
WOMAN
It just came out of me. I said
you love me the way a remote
control loves a TV. As long as I
switch every time...
HER MALE COMPANION
Wonderful.
MELVIN
People who talk in metaphors can
shampoo my crotch.
(on their look)
Eat up.
They turn away -- Melvin walks a few paces to the
waitress station where two waitresses, LISA and CAROL,
are talking.
LISA
Pay me back next week.
CAROL
I owe you. I told you today...
them's the rules. Oh, excuse me,
Melvin.
She puts two hands lightly on his waist to move him out
of the way. He gulps at the contact (since no one else
ever touches him) but covers his self-consciousness.
MELVIN
I'm starving.
CAROL
(firmly to Lisa)
Will you please take it?
Melvin intentionally moves a step in her path, with
stealth, so that she must touch him again to get him out
of the way...
LISA
This way you take a cab home so
you have time to get ready for the
date.
CAROL
"Ready" is not my problem.
She barks a mirthless though hearty laugh. If we could
read Melvin which we can't, we'd see him unsettled by the
date talk. To Carol he is as harmless as furniture.
CAROL
(to Melvin)
Go sit down. You know you're not
allowed back here... Spencer's
more excited about it than I am...
He says, "Mom, I promise not to
get a fever or couch during your date."
The other WAITRESSES and the SHORT ORDER COOK all go
"awww."
CAROL
I know. He's just the best.
MELVIN
I've got Jews at my table.
CAROL
It's not your table. It's the
place's table. Behave. This
once, you can sit at someone
else's station.
The two waitresses signal their protests.
CAROL
Or you can just wait your turn...
Melvin walks back into the restaurant proper... he hangs
near their table... his discomfort builds in this limbo...
then:
MELVIN
How much more you got to eat?
Your appetite isn't as big as
your noses, is it?
WOMAN
What?!!
MAN
(to Woman)
Let's go --
The Woman starts to protest.
MAN
Let's leave. We're going.
Melvin sits down at the table -- and takes from his
pocket a plastic eating utensil set wrapped and sealed.
As he opens his utensils.
CAROL
Bryan says he doesn't care how
long you've been coming you ever
act like this again you're barred
for life. I'm gonna miss the
excitement, but I'll handle it.
There is in Carol's attitude toward Melvin some
ingredient of self-satisfaction -- that she is the only
one in the place who can handle him. She starts to clear
the table.
MELVIN
The table's fine if it had some
cholesterol on it. Two sausages,
six bacon strips, fries, three
eggs over easy and coffee.
CAROL
You're gonna die soon with that
diet, you know that?
MELVIN
We're all gonna die soon. I will.
You will. It sure sounds like
your son will.
ON CAROL
Stunned. Some crazy street-freak has slipped under her
perfect guard and momentarily devastated her. Melvin
senses that he's gone way too far. He wipes his knife.
CAROL
If you ever mention my son again,
you will never be able to eat here
again. Do you understand? Give me
some sign you understand or leave
now. Do you understand me...
(adds truthful label)
you crazy freak? Do you?!?
A beat and then Melvin nods, hardly breathing -- backing
down.
CAROL
Okay. I'll get your order.
She walks away. Melvin watches her, biting his lower
lip. He takes some napkins and cleans the table himself.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
She is underneath a YOUNGER, cuter MAN on the living room
sofa. He is expertly into foreplay. She begins to make
noises as she responds... each time startling herself
with her own noise and trying to reign it in.
She's two women here -- one speeding the pleasure highway
-- the other -- functional mom so blown away by the
emergence of this sexy self that she laughs. The Young
Man stops and looks at her.
YOUNG MAN
What?
CAROL
I... I... I don't know... You got
me.
His eyes try to burn into hers... She is getting excited
but doesn't know how to play it... He pushes one of the
fingers of the hand caressing her face toward her
mouth... She closes her teeth, his fingers attempt
opening her mouth. She stops him.
CAROL
Let me just do whatever I do by
myself... I'll catch up to you
someplace I promise.
(as he's put off)
Oh, no... don't look like that.
No. I'm sorry if I'm a goof.
And so with earnestness and caring, she has transformed
the sex into something more intimate -- and, talk about
egg in your beer, hotter. Things are getting wild when
we hear from the distance a child, SPENCER, CALLING and
COUGHING.
CAROL
Kissing... kissing boys. Oh my.
Carol pulls her head away -- as Spencer's call continues.
SPENCER (O.S.)
(softly)
Grandma, grandma...
YOUNG MAN
Maybe you better check.
CAROL
Like what did you think I was
going to do?
INT. HALLWAY/BEVERLY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Pulling herself together she goes off down the hallway...
she ducks her head into the first bedroom where her
mother, BEVERLY, is listening to music on headphones...
she takes them off when she sees Carol, then hears the
cough.
BEVERLY
I'm sorry. I was hearing just
everything you were doing so I put
these on to give you privacy.
Carol now goes into her son's room.
INT. SPENCER'S ROOM - NIGHT
The room is a monument to horrible, sleepless nights...
two drugstore de-humidifying filters, a nebulizer
(breathing contraption) a waste basket... a night stand
filled with medicine, a blood pressure kit... along with
some stacks of seven-year-old toys and a small TV wedged
into the tiny space.
SPENCER
I'm sorry.
CAROL
Don't be silly. How bad?
SPENCER
Not bad.
Carol feels his head... that's okay. Then he coughs --
trying to suppress it... then a bigger cough... they each
know what that signals... She brings up a waste basket as
he throws up... she comforts him. He apologizes. She
loves him.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
As she re-enters. He is taking a cigarette from a pack.
CAROL
(a bit panicked)
You can't smoke... He can't take
smoke.
He palms the cigarette -- resumes making out -- his hand
squeezes her breast -- then he stops and looks at his
hand. She looks down and sees a bit of throw-up he
picked up while feeling her and then notices him looking
at her with extreme distaste... She barks a laugh to
cover her embarrassment but speaks the truth.
CAROL
Oh, God... I don't even notice
anymore.
She crosses to the kitchen for a dishtowel. Tries to make
light.
CAROL
That'll teach you.
YOUNG MAN
Don't apologize.
CAROL
(perturbed)
That wasn't an apology.
She notices his demeanor -- how he avoids looking at her --
how uncomfortable he is.
CAROL
Hey... this is just a little throw-
up -- it's nothing to be so
embarrassed about. Really.
(as he shifts
uncomfortably)
Thanks for the dinner. Let me
write down which trains you take
to get back.
YOUNG MAN
No way.
She brightens.
YOUNG MAN
I'll take a cab.
She deflates as he moves past her.
YOUNG MAN
Too much reality for a Friday
night.
EXT. HOLLAND TUNNEL - NIGHT
A cold night in hell. Three young men bullshit near the
approach to the tunnel. Their names are VINCENT, EVAN
and DOUG, who is the oldest at 28. Vincent is dopey and
the most likeable of the gritty little trio.
EVAN
Why is every customer surprised I
read books?
DOUG
(amazed)
You read books?
EVAN
Oh, wow! I know this guy! Look!
He even bought me dinner.
They all focus on a black BMW as it slows and stops in
front of them. CARL checks them out carefully through
the front window. He is talking on the speaker phone.
CARL
(slightly exasperated)
Look, I just can't. I promised
Simon I'd find him a model.
FRIEND (V.O.)
(on speaker phone,
flirting)
Carl, take me off the speaker.
Did I tell you that these are
house seats? C'mon, you could use
a break. Hello... Carl, are you
there... hello?
Seeing the hustlers:
CARL
. ... I just found a model.
DOUG
(to Carl)
Hey, how it's goin'...
EVAN
Hey, hi... remember?
CARL
I only need one.
EVAN
You picked me up, maybe a few
weeks, I don't know, some time
ago. You were very flattering
about our... encounter.
CARL
Maybe just you and me... but this
is for a painting. I need a
pretty face.
Carl beckons to Vincent who joins him, trying to conceal
his pride at winning this lowest end of beauty contest.
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY
There is a KNOCK at the door -- Simon crosses to answer.
He is more relaxed than we've seen him -- a man at peace
humming to his favorite music, talking to his dog who
scratches at the door. Simon opens the door to Vincent.
SIMON
Sorry, I was out in the studio
doing some work and I forgot about
our appointment.
He leads the way back toward the studio -- chatting away
-- unaware that Vincent is disrobing as he follows him
and eyeing the expensive apartment.
SIMON
I usually make such a big deal out
of picking models but Carl's so
thorough. I'll bet he drove you
nuts checking your references.
And he turns and sees the naked model.
SIMON
(taken aback)
This isn't a nude.
Vincent moves back to retrieve his clothes.
VINCENT
Just kidding around.
(then mutters)
So much for love.
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - STUDIO (MINUTES LATER)
Vincent is striking blatantly sexual poses to the
increasingly uneasy Simon.
SIMON
Exactly what is your previous
experience?
VINCENT
How about that pose?
(sing-song)
This is not fun...
(then)
Give me some direction.
Vincent has instinctively put Simon on the defensive. He
tries not to show it.
SIMON
Nothing. I just watch till
something strikes me. Do anything
you think of -- try different
thing. Until I say, "hold that
pose." Then just try and
comfortably hold it.
VINCENT
(trying another space)
The fact that you haven't said,
"hold it" means I haven't done it
right... is that correct? I
haven't done it right?
SIMON
No... Okay. What I do is watch
and wait for, um... You ever watch
someone who doesn't know you're
watching... an old woman on a bus,
kids going to school and you see
this flash come over them and you
know immediately that it has
nothing to do with anything
external -- that it's in respond
to a private thought they just
had? They are just sort of realer
and more alive. And when you
notice it so are you. If you look
at someone long enough, you
discover their humanity.
Vincent's slack-jawed expression changes. He feels an
intellectual tingle to be having this conversation.
VINCENT
I know exactly what you mean.
There's a joy in him at this moment -- a bit of purity.
SIMON
Hold it.
Vincent does so -- hums a bit of "Satisfaction" to
celebrate.
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Carol and LESLIE, another waitress, are waiting for their
order at the cappuccino bar. Leslie is telling the story
of the traumatic audition which may have turned her life.
Carol is rapt.
As they pass Melvin she does not break stride, nor give
him notice. Though she is aware of him -- resentfully so
-- hard not to be since he is giving a moment to moment
commentary on her every action.
MELVIN
Clippity clop -- clippity clop --
she has to pretend she doesn't
hear me. Listening to the story
from the upset friend... now she
drops off the cappuccino and
smiles at the putzette who doesn't
even say, "Thank you." No, the
putzette wanted the whipped cream
so back she goes and now she has
to pass him again and it's getting
tougher to make believe.
CAROL
(reluctant forgiveness)
Okay.
Melvin stops -- she passes behind him to deliver an
uncharacteristic rabbit punch.
CAROL
What's with the plastic picnic
ware? Why not try ours... afraid
it isn't clean?
MELVIN
I see the help -- judgement call.
CAROL
Just give yourself a little pep
talk. "Must try other people's
clean silverware as part of the
fun of dining out."
MELVIN
What's wrong with your son,
anyway?
CAROL
What do you care?
Melvin just looks at her.
CAROL
He's gotta fight to breathe.
His asthma can just shoot off the
charts -- he's allergic to dust
and this is New York and his
immune system bails on him when
there's trouble so an ear
infection... Is this bothering
you?
MELVIN
(caught)
No.
CAROL
An ear infection can send us to
the emergency room -- maybe five,
six times a month where I get
whatever nine-year-old they just
made a doctor. Nice chatting with
you.
MELVIN
His name?
CAROL
Spencer.
MELVIN
Okay.
CAROL
(quietly)
Spence.
She exits.
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - STUDIO - DAY (SEVERAL WEEKS LATER)
The greenhouse studio is a busy sanctuary, as Simon puts
the finishing touches on his painting of Vincent. A beat
and then a strange figure crosses between the CAMERA and
the scene -- gone before we can examine him further.
SIMON
You can put on anything you want
now. I might be sort of done
here...
Vincent quickly and expertly picks a CD to meet his
immediate needs and puts it on -- dying a little at every
second of silence during the transition... then LOUD
MUSIC PLAYS... Vincent even GOOSING the VOLUME. Simon
does a take -- he gestures Vincent to take it down --
which Vincent does.
ANGLE - APARTMENT
where it is not clear that a robbery is in progress --
Vincent's two friends from the street sweeping all
objects into large sacks -- one of them, Doug, pauses
to look past the terrace to the studio.
DOUG
Lucky Vinnie -- he's a painting.
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT, STUDIO - DAY
MUSIC PLAYS -- Simon cleaning up his stuff.
VINCENT
So you're practically finished,
huh?
SIMON
Yes... well, there's one more
stage -- trying to figure out if
it's any good.
Simon sneaks a look at the canvas from another
perspective... he focuses -- then the smallest shy nod
of self-approval -- he's finished. Vincent is desperate
to distract.
CLOSE ON dog as Verdell awakens, stretches and pricks his
ears. He moves quickly to the closed door and starts to
frantically scratch, attracting Simon's attention.
As Simon keeps walking... Vincent shoots over to the
canvas.
VINCENT
Wait -- I want to see the
painting.
SIMON
Just a second -- he has to go.
VINCENT
Please!! NO!!!
Simon opens the door and Verdell shoots out like a
bullet. Vincent pauses before the painting and is thrown
to see his humanity captured -- to be "immortalized."
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Doug and Evan are nearly to the front door as VERDELL
stops them with a vicious GROWL and BARK.
Simon is distracted -- looking down at his pet so that he
continues to walk toward Doug and Evan, not noticing
them -- Vincent, terribly afraid, appears behind Simon.
SIMON
(to Vincent)
What's the matter, sweetheart?
He instantly stops. Shocked. Frozen. His eyes on the
stranger, Doug, looking at him. Now Vincent comes in.
Doug greets him.
DOUG
Yo.
Simon turns to Vincent.
SIMON
Why are you doing this?
VINCENT
No. No. No. Hey, that painting
in there... I just want to tell
you...
Now Evan appears holding a brass hat rack.
EVAN
(to Vincent)
What are you doing? Cruising him?
And he uses the hat rack first as a spear, then as a
club, as the brief savage attack begins.
ON VERDELL
as he starts to go toward Simon and then scurries back in
fear. The three attackers leave. Now silence. A single
BARK from VERDELL.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - DUSK
A mass of OFFICIAL PEOPLE clutter the hall as a gurney is
whisked down to the elevator. It's impossible to tell if
Simon is awake or dead. Melvin is standing against the
wall near his door a cop, RAY, interviewing him.
RAY
Okay. So you call 911 and don't
leave your name -- even a dumb
geezer should know that emergency
automatically pulls up your name.
How come you make a mistake like
that?
MELVIN
How come you're pretending to do
cop work -- 'cause I don't think
you could find your ass if you
were spotted the hole.
RAY
(stunned)
What?
MELVIN
Just move on. No one here killed
him.
RAY
Oh, is he dead?
MELVIN
Ask him.
RAY
We will if we can and if we can't,
we'll come back and ask you again
and again.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY -
ANOTHER ANGLE - NIGHT
Frank standing upset, anxious, holding a dog bowl, a
leash and VERDELL, who is more upset making pathetic
little CRYING SOUNDS.
As we FOCUS BRIEFLY ON Verdell... Frank is talking to the
Sweet-Faced Woman.
SWEET-FACED WOMAN
I've been praying for him since I
heard.
FRANK
So I've got to get to the
hospital. If you could take the
dog just for tonight.
SWEET-FACED WOMAN
Oh, Lord -- I've got all these
antique knick-knacks... Or else
I'd be glad...
FRANK
Maybe if you kept locked in
the bathroom. No? Okay. Thanks.
(as he turns away and she
closes the door he adds)
Old bitch... Damn dog.
A short laugh makes us realize that Melvin has witnessed
and enjoyed Frank's hostile mutterings...
VERDELL starts WHIMPERING as a pissed Frank approaches
his mugger:
FRANK
You're taking him... yes... you're
taking him -- this will clear the
books. One night. You want to
say "no" to me? Try... because
I've never felt as nuts as I do
right this second. I almost want
you to try saying "no."
MELVIN
(quietly)
I'm not saying nothing to you.
FRANK
Thanks for looking after him.
Frank pushes open the door to Melvin's apartment and
places Verdell inside.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
MUSIC IN: as Frank pulls the door partially closed to
block Verdell's escape.
The music represents Verdell's state of mind -- trapped
in the apartment of the man who tried to kill him. We
STAY with the dog during the O.S. dialogue: As his head
turns in panic we see his various POVs as the dialogue
continues O.S.
MELVIN (O.S.)
Hey, where are you going? You
can't do this.
(calls after Frank)
I can't take a dog.
(a confession)
Nobody's ever been in here before.
FRANK (O.S.)
(threatening)
You don't want to mess with me
today. I'll figure something else
out tomorrow.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Melvin enters -- the dog cowers in the shadows. Now
Melvin sees him.
MELVIN
You're dead!!
VERDELL STOPS -- gives Melvin wide berth -- slinking
along the far wall. Melvin finds Verdell's fear of him a
bit calming.
MELVIN
I don't have dog food. And I
won't want dog food here. You'll
eat what we have. You'll eat what
we eat.
Melvin exits. Verdell is in a major funk.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Melvin breaks two eggs over a large pile of prime chopped
meat, sticks raw pieces of bacon into it and exits the
room.
MELVIN
Don't you touch anything.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Verdell cringing as his new master approaches -- MUSIC
CONTINUES ominously. Melvin sets the bowl down and
exits... Verdell breathes excitedly though looking
alternately in all directions... his recent past making
him suspect this feast is a trick. He sniffs
cautiously -- then dives in -- GOTHIC MUSIC CHANGING on a
dime TO SCORE his RAPTURE... from O.S. we hear the sound
of RUNNING WATER as steam escapes the bathroom -- then
MUSIC OUT -- as Melvin returns... ignoring Verdell he
sits at the piano and his one key repeatedly. It's odd.
Verdell shifts his body so he is eating from the bowl
with his tail to Melvin. Then Melvin begins to play and
sing Monty Python's "Always Look On The Bright Side Of
Life," with its cheerful whistle refrain. Verdell looks
over with surprise and pleasure. But just as mood lifts
and warmth threatens, Melvin stops abruptly, turns out
the lights and exits.
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY
Frank on the phone.
FRANK
(into phone)
Put the solid red dots on three of
them and the hold blue dots on two
others... Well, we're not going to
sell anything if they know we're
two weeks into a show and have no
sales. No, you can't reduce a
price at this stage... We're in
free fall here. Any calls?
JACKIE
We can see him.
FRANK
I'll meet you in there.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
As Jackie enters.
JACKIE
How you doing, great one?
SIMON
I haven't looked at myself yet. I
figured I could tell from your
reaction.
He turns toward her. Much of his body -- taped -- his
painting hand wrapped. Simon's face is something of a
horror. Swollen, one savage discolored cut. We are into
yuccchhh... The sight is a jolt. Jackie breaks into
tears... sobs, actually.
SIMON
That bad, huh?
They share a helpless half-laugh -- then Frank appears in
the doorway.
FRANK
Hey, hey...
(as he sees him)
Haaa... bad but temporary. The
nurses say it's much better than
you looked three weeks ago... the
hand will come back... they're
sure...
SIMON
Jackie, will you hand me the
mirror?
JACKIE
(a small voice)
No.
She starts to hand him a large mirror from her purse --
then thinks better of it.
JACKIE
Wait, I have a smaller one.
But he holds out his hand and she gives him the mirror --
he starts to look -- then thinks better of it.
SIMON
So, what's new anyway? How's
Verdell?
FRANK
(sheepish)
Your neighbor -- Udall -- is
taking care of him.
SIMON
(suddenly alive and upset)
How could you do that? He'll hurt
him.
FRANK
No, I promise... not a chance. I
own this guy. There was no one
else. I'm on the move too much.
Trust me.
SIMON
You are very certain my dog is
okay... because you have no
idea...
FRANK
Yes. Your dog is fine, Simon.
Simon holds the mirror poised for a moment of discovery,
then he takes a breath -- like someone about to dive
underwater. First a small, mumbled pep talk to himself.
SIMON
Okay, waiting gives the devil
time. Now!
He quickly brings his hand up and looks at the mirror...
he is startled -- the bottom drops out -- leaving him
awed by his misfortune.
SIMON
Oh my... Where'd I go? Ummmm?
EXT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY
AN ESTABLISHING SHOT FEATURING Verdell tied up in front.
INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY
Melvin finishing a plate of eggs, bacon and sausage with
his plastic knife and fork. Carol looks totally beat as
she sets down a cup of coffee. Melvin is craning
periodically to keep an eye of his dog.
CAROL
So what are you doing with a dog?
MELVIN
Suckered in. Set up. Pushed
around.
CAROL
You're not worried that someone
might take him?
MELVIN
Well, not until now -- for
Christ's sake.
CAROL
Sorry.
MELVIN
It's okay -- I'll sit here.
He changes tables for the first time ever so that he can
keep an eye on Verdell. Carol is amazed.
CAROL
You know he's a little dog. Next
time, if Bryan's not here, you can
bring him in.
MELVIN
How old are you?
CAROL
Oh, please...
MELVIN
If I had to guess by your eyes,
I'd say you were fifty.
Carol looks at him.
CAROL
And if I had to guess by your
eyes. I'd say you were kind. So,
so much for eyes. But as long as
you bring up age... how old are
you?
MELVIN
(quickly)
Otherwise, you're not ugly.
CAROL
(laughs out loud)
Okay, pal... I accept the
compliment, but go easy -- my
knees start a-knocking when you
turn on the charm full blast.
MELVIN
What's with the dark?
He indicates the bags under her eyes by tapping his own.
CAROL
Dawn patrol -- major dawn patrol.
My son had a full blown attack.
And this time, for extra fun, they
gave us the wrong antibiotics, so
I get him home...
She reaches for the plate of uneaten bacon -- he goes
nuts.
MELVIN
No... no... leave it... the
bacon's for the dog.
She is jolted by the insensitivity of his interruption,
but he doesn't notice, turning, almost chatty.
MELVIN
Last week I was playing the piano
for him and he likes it, and so I
decide I'm going to make a little
joke...
CAROL
You all set here?
Melvin nods -- a bit frustrated about not being able to
finish his dog story. He pockets the remaining bacon.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
As Melvin walks Verdell back home, we notice, perhaps a
beat before Melvin, a remarkably event. Verdell is
avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk.
MELVIN
It's a beautiful day for our walk.
Melvin slows -- observes the dog mirroring his behavior.
ON VERDELL
again carefully placing his paws to avoid a crack in the
sidewalk. Melvin laughs out loud -- puts on plastic
gloves hurriedly so he can lift the dog to eye level.
MELVIN
Don't be like me, don't you be
like me. You stay just the way
you are because you are a perfect
man. I'm gonna take you home and
get you something to eat... what
you love.
ANOTHER ANGLE
FEMALE PASSERSBY
(charmed)
Ohhh. I'd like to be treated like
that.
MELVIN
(all smiles to Verdell)
Let's go home and do some writing.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Melvin whaling away at his computer, reading to himself
with great satisfaction as he goes.
Verdell sits at his chair, fascinated by the speed of his
master's fingers on the keyboard. He reads his writing
aloud to the dog.
MELVIN
"He turned off the gas jets and
carried her outside. He kissed
her brow and when her eyes opened
and found him, he said, 'there are
easier ways to break a date.' She
laughed. The only sensible
ambition he had ever known was now
realized. He had made the girl
happy. And what a girl. 'You've
saved my life,' she said, 'you'd
better make it up to me.'"
Exhilarated by his own words, he shuts down the machine...
MELVIN
(singing to Verdell)
Done!
(playing with him some)
Yes, I hate the doggy... yes, I
hate the doggy.
He exits.
MELVIN (V.O.)
Sixty-two books... done!
As the dog goes shooting off to the kitchen we leave our
couple's play time for...
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM/LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY
As the rookie invalid awakens in precisely the same foul
mood he'd had on falling asleep. In the living room, the
maid, NORA, is talking with Jackie -- we catch only a few
words as they review Simon's mounting pile of bills and
talk of how long Nora can stay on.
INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY
Frank knocking on Melvin's door. He opens it.
FRANK
How's Verdell doing?
MELVIN
He's a pain in the ass.
As he looks over at the dog, Verdell trots over and,
without realizing it, Melvin smiles at him to Frank's
surprise.
FRANK
Simon's home. I was sort of
hoping you could keep the dog
until he's had a chance to think
and adjust...
MELVIN
(leaping at the chance)
It's been five weeks... another
few won't kill me.
FRANK
No. He wants him back. He'll be
by tomorrow.
MELVIN
(too loudly, weirdly)
Okay by me.
Frank exits.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Melvin sits -- Verdell looks up at him. Melvin walks to
the door. He turns the lock... then checks that they are
locked... checks again to make sure he turned them in the
correct direction... turns from the door... then back to
check once more. And again... and again... anguished,
until now he breaks briefly, the dog looking on.
INT. NEW YORK BUILDING - MELVIN'S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY
Melvin opens the door -- looks at the scarred Simon in a
wheelchair and shudders...
MELVIN
That's some face they left hanging
on you. You look like...
SIMON
(interrupting)
Could you take it just a little
easy, Mr. Udall?
A beat of silence as Melvin thinks whether to comply.
SIMON
Thank you. Verdell... sweetheart?
(to Melvin)
By the way, thanks for saving me.
MELVIN
I called. I never touched you. I
didn't leave my name or nothing.
SIMON
(not listening)
Verdell?
ON VERDELL
Totally weirded out... hiding behind Melvin... now Melvin
shifts and Simon and Verdell see each other... Simon
smiles at the dog... he is emotionally caught up in the
reunion.
SIMON
Hi, sweetheart.
Verdell isn't eager.
ON SIMON
The first gnawing pains of rejection.
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Simon pats his leg -- trying unsuccessfully to get
Verdell to approach him. Instead the dog goes to the
door and scratches at it. Jackie starts to pick the dog
up.
SIMON
No. Please, don't force him.
JACKIE
(to dog)
You little stinker. He's given
you everything.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
MELVIN'S POV
Verdell's towel on the floor -- near his bowl.
BACK TO SCENE
Melvin's lips compress... he sits on the piano bench and
hits a few keys... looks at Verdell's empty spot again...
there are those who "get the joke" -- Melvin is clearly
one -- he laughs suddenly and helplessly even as he feels
the panic rise in him...
... all his painstaking success in keeping the lid on and
now it threatens to blow for a reason he articulates.
MELVIN
Over the dog... an ugly dog.
It's hilarious. But now the humor detours. An actual
sob is choked back... he gets up -- following a definite
pattern across the room. He is conducting a small but
highest-stakes fight for survival. Momentarily a scared,
beaten middle-aged man -- he races out the door.
EXT. NYC STREETS - DAY
Melvin charging as fast as crack checks allow and then
turning into a building with a copper sign reading
"Grammercy Park Psychiatric Group."
MELVIN
Worst sidewalk in New York and
look where they put in.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY
Melvin bursts in on the psychiatrist and emits one word.
MELVIN
Help!
DOCTOR
If you want to see me you will not
do this. You will make an
appointment...
MELVIN
Explain to me how you can diagnose
someone as "obsessive compulsive
disorder" and then act like I have
any choice in barging in.
DOCTOR
There's not going to be a debate.
You must leave.
The Doctor moves into the hallway, forcing Melvin to
follow.
MELVIN
You said you could help me --
what was that -- a tease?
DOCTOR
I can help you if you take the
responsibility to keep regular
app --
MELVIN
(suddenly)
You changed the room around...
DOCTOR
Two years ago...
Melvin shakes his head -- as if things weren't bad enough
he must go through a careful exercise noting every new
element before he's at all comfortable... as he studies
each object. The Doctor is professionally intrigued
despite himself.
DOCTOR
I also regrew my beard... but
you're not interested in changes
in me... so it's like I always
told you... when it comes to
people you...
MELVIN
Shhhhhhh. I don't have this
mountain of available time... I
got to get to my restaurant on
time. Do you know how hard it is
for me to be here?
DOCTOR
Yes.
(as Melvin starts
for the office)
No.
INT. PSYCHIATRISTS' WAITING ROOM - DAY
More PATIENTS in the almost-crowded waiting room. Melvin
passes through -- visibly drawn and upset. He stops.
Eyes on them. Then:
MELVIN
(to other patients)
What if this is as good as it
gets?
They look stricken. He exits.
INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY
As he walks to his booth and sits down. Enormous relief.
CHERYL, a heavy-set waitress, reluctantly moves to his
table -- unseen by Melvin as he takes out his utensils
and arranges them. In a corner booth, four big TRANSIT
AUTHORITY POLICE are having a meal together. Cheryl
looks at his utensils.
CHERYL
What the heck are those for?
MELVIN
No. No. Get Carol.
CHERYL
I'm filling in. We don't know if
she's coming back. She might have
to get a job closer to home.
MELVIN
What are you trying to do to me?
CHERYL
What the heck do you mean?
MELVIN
Hey, elephant girl, call her or
something... just let her do my
one meal here. I'll pay whatever.
I'll wait.
(as she doesn't
budge; he screams)
Do it!!!
The MANAGER comes over, gesturing to the table of police
that he can handle it. All attention is on Melvin.
MANAGER
Out. Be silent or leave.
MELVIN
I'll be quiet. Just let me wait.
No problem. Get her here -- have
her get me two sausages, four
bacon, two eggs over easy and
coffee. I'm not a prick here --
I'm a great customer. This day is
a disaster. I can't handle this,
too.
MANAGER
Get out immediately or there's
going to be trouble.
Melvin looks at the police, sizes up the hopeless
situation and rises.
MELVIN
There's going to be trouble???
He walks toward the door as Cheryl and all the other
employees applaud his defeat. As he passes a BUSBOY near
the door he hands him 20 dollars.
MELVIN
Carol's last name?
BUSBOY
Connelly.
EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - DAY
An uncomfortable Melvin sitting in the back of a taxi.
MELVIN'S POV
A neighborhood in Brooklyn -- a community. Melvin, ever
the shark observer, looks from the cab to see slices of
community life -- MEN in front of a bar, PARENTS giving
their CHILD a ride on a mechanical horse outside a local
store -- two YOUNG WOMEN discuss dating.
EXT. CAROL'S BUILDING - DAY
As he exits -- RINGS the BELL and is BUZZED in.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DOOR/HALLWAY - DAY
Carol opens the door just as he arrives on her landing.
She holds a container of ice, washclothes and a
thermometer.
MELVIN
I'm hungry.
(on Carol's astonished
look)
You've upset my whole day. I
haven't eaten.
CAROL
What are you doing here?
Melvin ignores the question, instead answering a charge
he had imagined she might make...
MELVIN
This is not a sexist thing. If
you were a waiter I would still be
here saying...
CAROL
Are you totally gone? This is my
private home...
MELVIN
I am trying to keep emotions out of
this. Even though this is an
important issue to me and I have
strong feelings about the subject.
CAROL
What subject? That I wasn't there
to take crap from you and bring
you eggs? Do you have any control
over how creepy you allow yourself
to get?
MELVIN
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact...
and to prove it I have not gotten
personal and you have. Why aren't
you at work? You're not sick --
you don't look sick... just very
tired and bitter.
CAROL
My son is sick, okay?
Even saying the sentence, "My son is sick" pushes some
emotions toward the surface which are wasted on the crazy
man at her threshold.
MELVIN
What about your mother?
CAROL
How do you know about my mother?
MELVIN
I hear you talk when I'm
waiting!!!
She crosses to the sink to dump the ice. Melvin takes a
step inside. Spencer, seven and looking ill, walks into
the room.
CAROL
Sorry, honey... I'll be right
there.
MELVIN
(uncomfortably)
How ya doing?
Spencer just stares at him.
MELVIN
(miffed)
You should answer when someone
talks to you...
Carol eyes Melvin with disgust and disbelief then
emphatically gestures him to "clear out." Melvin backs
out the door.
CAROL
Sorry. There is a limit, Melvin,
and I can't handle you teaching
my son manners.
She closes the door in his face, then walks to her son
and leads him back to his room.
INT. SPENCER'S ROOM
CAMERA MOVES TOWARD mother and son sitting on the edge of
Spencer's bed. She holds a digital thermometer to his
ear. They both count down the seconds.
CAROL AND SPENCER
5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Bingo.
SPENCER
104.9
CAROL
We are going to treat ourselves to
a cab ride.
EXT. BROOKLYN SIDEWALK - ANGLE ON CAROL - DAY
As Carol carries her young son through a class of
uniformed KIDS from a Catholic elementary school. She
spots Melvin about to enter a cab.
CAROL
Melvin, wait!
The school kids pick up the chant in unison.
SCHOOL KIDS
Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait!
Melvin, wait!
He turns to face them.
MELVIN
Shut up, kids!
They immediately obey as Carol approaches him.
CAROL
Melvin... give us a lift. We've
got to go see our friends at the
hospital.
Melvin is thrown... he pauses a beat... then holds the
rear door open as Carol hustles the kid inside. The
maneuver puts the beet red, sweating Spencer at his face.
MELVIN
I'll ride up front. Cover your
mouth when you cough, kid.
INT. BROOKLYN CAB - DAY
As they settle in and drive off.
CAROL
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital,
please and quickly please.
EXT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY
As Carol enters the hospital.
CAROL
(calling back)
I owe you three dollars.
Melvin follows behind her as she carries her son...
MELVIN
Yeah, yeah... any chance you'll
get back to work today?
CAROL
(furiously)
No!!! Stay away from me!
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Verdell lies just inside the front door whimpering for
Melvin. Jackie sits across from Simon's wheel chair...
she has some index cards in her laps which she
occasionally consults and shuffles.
JACKIE
I feel terrible that I have to...
Simon? Forget about the dog for a
second.
Simon forces his attention to Jackie.
SIMON
Sorry. What are those cards?
JACKIE
(a bit embarrassed)
Frank's idea. He thought I should
have notes so I did this right...
maintained focus, didn't get
emotional and tried not to terrify
you.
SIMON
(scared shitless)
Terrify me?
JACKIE
See, he's right. I need the
cards.
(reading from cards)
Simon, you're broke.
ANGLE ON VERDELL
as their conversation continues -- the dog is distressed.
JACKIE (O.S.)
The medical bill are 61 thousand
now. I've spoken to your parents
and they didn't hang up or
anything -- they just said they
would feel strange calling you.
SIMON (O.S.)
Well, I can't reach them.
Verdell walks out on the terrace and looks off. He turns
for:
SIMON
(to Verdell)
Here, baby... what is it,
Verdell?... You miss the tough
guy...
(trying to be
Melvin-like)
Well, here I am, you little pissant
mop, happy to see me? How about
another ride down the chute? Oh,
God... I don't mean it,
sweetheart...
(on Jackie's look)
I'm sorry. I know...
Verdell hides behind a chair.
JACKIE
Frank loves you. You know that...
but I've spoken to him and he
feels that --
(reading from card)
-- as a businessman, with limited
resources...
SIMON
I'll be able to keep my apartment
and studio, won't I?... Just tell
me.
As Jackie looks at him then thumbs for a card.
SIMON
(overwhelmed)
Wow...
Verdell has come near him -- he reaches out a hand to pet
the dog and the dog ducks.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - DAY
He is trying to write. He can't. His world has been upset.
He walks away from his work -- a highly unusual act. He
is distressed -- and then an idea and he exits.
INT. PUBLISHER'S OFFICE - DAY
We are looking at ZOE, the receptionist. She is listening
with interest to an O.S. conversation while answering
phone calls, "Premier Publishing."
FEMALE EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
Yes, you write more than anyone
else. Yes, you make us a lot of
money, but isn't there someone
more appropriate to...
MELVIN (O.S.)
I need this. Just say, "Melvin,
I'll try," okay?
FEMALE EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
(resigned)
Melvin, I'll try.
They appear now -- the woman tall, attractive, etc. She
pauses at the elevator.
FEMALE EXECUTIVE
Now, on a pleasant note, our son
got accepted at Brown. My
husband...
MELVIN
(curtly)
Great, wonderful. I don't need
you to wait with me.
She nods, pissed, waves and leaves. As Melvin waits, Zoe
summons her moxie.
ZOE
I can't resist. You usually move
through here so quickly and I have
so many questions I want to ask
you. You have no idea what your
work means to me.
MELVIN
What's it mean?
ZOE
That somebody out there knows what
it's like to be...
(taps her head and heart)
in here.
MELVIN
Oh God, this is like a nightmare.
ZOE
Aw come on, just a couple of
questions -- how hard is that?
As he hits the button, wipes his fingers, hits the button
etc.
ZOE
How do you write women so well?
MELVIN
(as he turns
toward her)
I think of a man and take away
reason and accountability.
The fan is jolted as the elevator doors open and close.
EXT. STREET NEAR CAROL'S BUILDING - DAY
A depleted, exhausted Carol approaches her home. She is
suddenly wary -- SOUND DIALED DOWN -- as we MOVE CLOSER.
CAROL'S POV
A car at the curb with "MD" license plate.
BACK TO SCENE
As Carol breaks into a run.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING, STAIRWAY/HALLWAY - DAY
As she bounds the stairs, comes to her apartment door and
jiggles with the keys, a strange prescient whimpering
sound coming from her. As she enters the apartment.
CAROL
Hello? Hello?
VOICE (O.S.)
Mrs. Connelly, I'm in here.
The worst confirmed, she moves down the narrow hallway,
her innards squirting the same chemicals that drives elk
on opening day of the hunting season.
INT. SPENCER'S ROOM - DAY
CAROL
What? Please? Now? Tell me?!
DR. BETTES
Mrs. Connelly. I'm Martin Bettes
... Dr. Bettes.
CAROL
Not your name... what are you
telling me your name for!! Where
is he?
DR. BETTES
He's in the bathroom... He's fine.
CAROL
(overlapping)
Tell me how bad it is. I let him
go out last night when it was so
cool without an overshirt -- just
and underone with just the straps
and I know better... and I let him
talk me into it. He was whining
and... you don't need this. Give
me a second to catch hold.
And so she does. Wow does she... and gives us some
notion of the size of her fear demon and the strength it
takes to subdue it as Dr. Bettes keeps reassuring her and
she keeps nodding... finally a deep breath as Spencer
enters from the bathroom. All at hyper speed now.
Salvation as farce.
SPENCER
(to his mother)
Hi...
(they kiss)
Did you know there are doctors who
come to your house?
CAROL
No, I didn't.
(to Bettes)
So why are you h...
Beverly, Carol's mother, enters the room. She is ebullient
which, if life allowed, would be her natural state.
BEVERLY
I didn't know you had a secret
admire.
CAROL
Huh?
BEVERLY
You met the gift.
SPENCER
He's good... And I'm an expert on
doctors.
CAROL
(to Spencer)
Stay out of this... Doctor?
DR. BETTES
My wife is Melvin Udall's
publisher.
(as Carol reacts)
She says I have to take great care
of this guy because you're
urgently needed back at work.
What work do you do?
CAROL
I'm a waitress.
ON Dr. Bettes' reaction her mother adds a saving grace.
BEVERLY
In Manhattan.
VOICE (O.S.)
Dr. Bettes?
DR. BETTES
In here.
A NURSE enters.
NURSE
Sorry it took so long. I don't
know Brooklyn.
DR. BETTES
It's okay, Terry.
(hands her blood
vail)
Tell the lab I'd like the report
back today.
Carol and her mother exchange a look of incredulity.
CAROL
You're going to get the results
today?!
MOVING SHOT
As we approach the doctor and Carol seated across from
each other at a small table... soft voices... relaxation.
Bettes is examining medicine bottles.
DR. BETTES
How long has he been having
problems?
CAROL
Since forever.
DR. BETTES
Have they done blood tests on him?
CAROL
Yes.
DR. BETTES
Only in the emergency room or when
he was well.
CAROL
Emergency room only.
DR. BETTES
Have they done skin testing for
allergies?
CAROL
No.
DR. BETTES
They haven't done the standard
scratch test. Where they make
small injections into the skin?
CAROL
No. I asked. They said it's not
covered under my plan. And it's
not necessary anyway.
DR. BETTES
It's amazing these things weren't
done.
CAROL
Fucking H.M.O. bastard piece of
shit... I'm sorry... forgive me.
DR. BETTES
No. Actually, I think that's
their technical name.
CAROL
Once the tests come back, is there
someone I can reach in your office
for the results?
DR. BETTES
Me. My home number is on this
card.
CAROL
His home number.
Carol look at her mother -- they share a laugh. Beverly
has a hard time stopping.
CAROL
(to doctor)
Do you want some juice or coffee
or two female slaves?
DR. BETTES
Water... Nobody told you it might
be a good idea to remove the
carpeting and drapes in Spencer's
room?
CAROL
No.
She starts towards Spencer's room.
DR. BETTES
You don't have to do it this
second... it's not dangerous or
anything. It's just something
that's advisable. Look, there's
a lot to be checked but... Hey,
your son is going to feel a
good deal better at the very
least...
She pats his head... Then embraces him with fierce
intimacy.
CAROL
Doc!!!
(then)
So listen, you gotta let me know
about the additional costs -- one
way or the other we'll...
DR. BETTES
They're considerable. But Mr.
Udall wants to be billed.
She takes this as a blow to the heart, stomach and groin.
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Simon practices walking using his cane. A tearstained
Nora hugs him good-bye.
NORA
You poor, poor man.
SIMON
Let's use just one poor, okay?
Anyway, dear, thanks for
everything. Forgive my recent
crankiness and as soon as things
are on track again I'll call.
She kisses him and starts for the door and suddenly a
sharp intake of breath -- she's forgotten something.
SIMON
What's wrong?
NORA
Who's going to walk Verdell?
Simon hadn't thought of this either.
SIMON
No, no.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - DAY
Nora holding her things, knocks on Melvin's door. Melvin
opens the door. Nora is still sniffling. He misinterprets.
MELVIN
Is he dead yet?
NORA
No! Would there be any way for
you to be willing to walk his dog
for him?
MELVIN
Absolutely.
NORA
Not just today -- Uh, could you
do it -- until, until he gets
back on his feet?
MELVIN
Sure thing.
NORA
You're a wonderful man. Two
o'clock is a good time. Here's
the key in case he's asleep. Open
the curtains for him, so he sees
God's beautiful work and knows
that even things like this happen
for the best.
MELVIN
Where'd they teach you to talk
like this -- some Panama City
"Sailor want to hump-hump bar"?
Or was today getaway day and your
last shot at his whiskey. Sell
crazy some place else -- we're all
stocked up here.
He closes the door in her face. She stands there...
thrown by the abruptness -- then lifts the two paper
shopping bags holding her things -- walks back toward the
elevator -- pausing briefly outside Simon's door -- then
continues on her way.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT
The doctor gone, mother and daughter arguing.
CAROL
There is a seriously goofy man
behind this. You are not allowed
to block out that fact.
BEVERLY
Do you really want to go back to
the runt doctors in Emergency who
keep telling us they can't help?
CAROL
It lets a crazy man into our
lives.
BEVERLY
Come on. Why fight when we know
how it will come out. This isn't
like stocking or a string of
pearls. You don't send this one
back.
EXT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING - DAY
INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Shades drawn. Simon is a wheelchair... the PHONE RINGS.
He goes to answer... the phone across the bed so that
reaching for the phone is a brief but difficult
struggle... he grunts with pain, hope and anxiety as he
answers.
SIMON
Hello?... yes... sure... finally,
huh? Why, "finally"? Because I
called you so many times. Maybe
20.
(relief)
Oh, boy... I was hoping it was
something like that. You didn't
get one of them, huh? 'Cause I
mean it wasn't only your office --
it was your home, hotel and the
cigar club you like in San
Francisco. No -- Sarcastic... Of
course. I believe you. No, don't
fire anyone... Please. Maybe I'm
wrong about the 20 times. Take a
breath...
(more)
So, you miss me a little? Hey,
strike the question -- How's the
case going? Really. Fantastic.
I didn't hear. I haven't been
watching. Great. Just great.
I'm so happy. Whoopie! Me?
Well, I'm mending. No, I look
fine. Well, some of the damage
might still be noticeable if you
look closely...
He runs a hand across his scarred and still bloated and
beaten face...
SIMON
Carl, I need some help and you're
the logical one to turn to.
(aghast)
No! Not 'cause I blame you for
what happened. I hardly get how
you can ever think that. No, I'm
not being sarcastic.
(trying to figure it
out)
I guess because you hired the guy
who did this you think... No, I am
a sarcastic person. Well, if
you must know, the reason I said
you were the logical person is
because you always told me how you
thought I was this great person
who made you feel good about
humanity and everything. You do
remembering saying that? Well, whew.
Okay, so Carl. I hate asking but
this money thing is ridiculously
serious...
He picks up an index card from his night stand and takes
the leap -- reading the text he prepared in advance.
SIMON
"Will you please loan me money? I
will pay you back. I will give
you whatever percentage of my
income I don't absolutely need
until I do. It will take a while.
But I don't know what I'll do if
you say"... that.
(as he listens)
I understand... yes... No, I do.
(a bit of boldness)
But you know, you know -- you
didn't even ask how much, Carl?
Well, Frank has no right to
discuss how much I'm in hock...
no, you're right -- not the point.
So... what have you been up to???
Uh-huh... Oh, the group show...
how was it? Well, I'm not
surprised that there's that much
talent around... great... Look --
gotta go... no, you shouldn't feel
that way at all... take care, you,
too... you, too... Good-bye.
(as he hangs up)
Pal o' mine.
It's very quiet.
LONG SHOT - SIMON
A lonely figure -- who now holds his good hand up to his
face and appears on the verge of enormous emotional
release -- CAMERA MOVES TOWARD him as if to rendezvous
with the moment of catharsis...
... but Simon is denied even this small luxury as the
CAMERA ABRUPTLY ADJUSTS just as he begins sobbing to
focus on the door opening and Melvin and Verdell entering
the room.
MELVIN
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
SIMON
Thank you for walking him.
Simon wheels away from Melvin.
SIMON
If you'll excuse me I'm not
feeling so well.
MELVIN
It smells like shit in here?
SIMON
Go away.
MELVIN
That cleaning woman doesn't...
SIMON
Please, just leave.
MELVIN
Where are all your queer party
friends?
SIMON
(his first shout)
Get out.
Melvin pauses -- Simon weeping... Verdell looks at Simon
with concern. Melvin is thrown. Moved?
SIMON
Nothing worse than having to feel
this way in front of you?
MELVIN
Nellie, you're a disgrace to
depression.
SIMON
Rot in hell, Melvin.
MELVIN
No need to stop being a lady...
quit worrying -- you'll be back on
your knees in no time.
Simon swings his arm and cast at Melvin -- the sudden
attack jolts Melvin but not as much as what follows.
SIMON
Is this fun for you? Well, you
lucky devil... It just gets better
and better. I am losing my
apartment and Frank wants me to
promise to paint hotter subjects
and to beg my parents, who haven't
called, for help... and I won't.
And I don't want to paint anymore.
Melvin has made for the door... Simon blocks him.
SIMON
So the life I was trying for is
over. The life I had is gone and
I am feeling so damn sorry for
myself that it is difficult to
breathe. Right times for you --
huh, Melvin. The gay neighbor is
terrified...
(a sudden screamed
word surprises them
both)
Terrified... Lucky you, you're
here for rock bottom... me
wallowing in self-pity in front of
you, you absolute horror of a
human being...
As Simon works to stop crying, Melvin is weird with
discomfort.
MELVIN
Well, I'll do one thing for you
that might cheer you up.
SIMON
Get out.
MELVIN
Don't piss on a gift, tough guy.
You want to know why the dog
prefers me... it's not affection.
It's a trick.
Simon looks up, his mood turning on a dime -- he's
rapt... Melvin comes and stands by his wheelchair.
MELVIN
I carry bacon in my pocket.
SIMON
(pleased)
Oh, my gosh.
MELVIN
(hands him bacon)
Now we'll both call him.
SIMON
Come on, sweetheart...
MELVIN
Yo, yo, yo...
Verdell goes like a bullet to Melvin... who is totally
surprised and staggered by the implications. True love
and such.
SIMON
Would you leave now, please?
MELVIN
Stupid dog.
(to Simon)
I don't get it.
He exits... looking apologetically at Simon in stoic
ruin.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Carol in bed on the pullout sofa... She is in turmoil...
there is THUNDER, but no rain. She walks to the kitchen.
She is trembling as she drinks a glass of water and exits.
INT. BEVERLY BEDROOM - NIGHT
The room is on an air shaft and this is where Carol
shares a closet with her mother, who is now asleep.
Carol quietly extracts a dress from the closet, leaving
her nightgown on the floor. There is something sexy
here, the woman in Carol churning. She plops on a summer
dress -- no time for underwear.
EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - NIGHT
Carol seeing a bus and dashing after it.
EXT. MANHATTAN BRIDGE - TWO AM
Carol crossing to Manhattan. She looks as if she's on
her way to some final exam where she has no notion of the
subject.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - NEAR MELVIN'S BUILDING -
NIGHT (RAIN)
Hot summer night as she gets off the bus and now the
rains come... We are in a familiar neighborhood.
ANGLE ON MELVIN AND SIMON'S APARTMENT HOUSE
As Carol consults the slip of paper with the address on
it.
INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT (RAIN)
As she enters building and realizes it's not just that
she's wet -- the thin summer dress is a winner in any wet
T-shirt contest... the fabric clinging to her breasts,
like the old movie poster of The Deep.
INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT
As Carol passes Simon's door... stands in front of
Melvin's apartment -- twists herself to ease nervousness
and knocks on the door... then RINGS the BELL. Finally
Carol hears MUFFLED THROAT CLEARING on the other side
of the door.
CAROL
Uh, Udall?
MELVIN (O.S.)
Carol the waitress?
CAROL
Yes.
As we hear him unlock the door, Carol looks at her
breasts and gasps. She grasps the fabric and holds it
straight out just as Melvin opens the door. His hair is
static city, standing on end as he periodically gives it
self-conscious pats.
CAROL
The doctors had your billing
address. I'm sorry about the
hour.
MELVIN
I was working... can't you just
drop me a thank-you note?
CAROL
That's not why I'm here...
(tearing suddenly)
... though you have no idea what
it's like to have a real
conversation with a doctor about
Spencer...
MELVIN
(very uncomfortable)
Note. Put it in the note.
CAROL
Why did yo do this for me?
MELVIN
To get you back at work so you can
wait on me.
CAROL
But you do have some idea how
strange that sounds??? I'm
worried that you did this
because...
She pauses -- the beginning of an extraordinarily long
silence. Finally.
MELVIN
You waiting for me to say
something?
(as she shakes her head)
What sort of thing do you want?
Look, I'll be at the restaurant
tomorrow.
CAROL
I don't think I can wait until
tomorrow. This needs clearing up.
MELVIN
What needs clearing up?
CAROL
(strong and true)
I'm not going to sleep with you.
I will never, ever sleep with you.
Never. Not ever.
Melvin's reaction? Well, he'll never get credit for the
brief but intense inner struggle -- the struggle not to
scream --
-- not to cry -- to process the sudden and stunning hurt
during his half turn away from her -- and then answer
hoarsely.
MELVIN
I'm sorry. We don't open for the
no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
Carol is amused, surprised... maybe, in some small way
ever taken by his style... but top priority is clarity.
CAROL
I'm not kidding.
MELVIN
Okay!!!! Anything else?!?
CAROL
Just how grateful I am.
Her mission completed -- she turns.
MELVIN
So you'll be at work?
CAROL
Yes.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
It's a 3:22 a.m. as the two digital clocks on Melvin's
night stand tell us... He gets up -- the first time we've
seen his waking routine -- taps one foot on the floor
twice -- then the other foot -- two more taps and his
body angles from the bed in a deliberate way.
He is having anxiety. He sits at the piano and plays
very briefly... Stops -- wipes some sweat from his
forehead... Walks to his computer room -- turns the light
on and then quickly off... Walks to his refrigerator...
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN, INSIDE REFRIGERATOR -
NIGHT
As he grabs a cardboard take-out box...
INT. NEW YORK APT. BUILDING - HALLWAY/SIMON'S APT.
He knocks of Simon's door... It opens quickly.
SIMON'S APARTMENT
MELVIN
I took a chance you were up.
Simon walks painfully back to a chair.
MELVIN
I brought you Chinese soup.
SIMON
Thanks.
MELVIN
I have never been so tired in my
life. Okay, if I sit here?
SIMON
Got any easier questions?
Melvin sits and moans -- the dog sitting near him.
MELVIN
I haven't been sleeping. I
haven't been clear or felt like
myself. I'm in trouble. Some son
of a bitch is burning my bridges
behind my back... But the
tiredness -- boy... Not just
sleepy.
SIMON
But sick -- nauseous -- where
everything looks distorted and
everything inside just aches --
when you can barely get up the
will to complain.
MELVIN
(brightening)
Yeah...
He feels a touch of community and not knowing where to
take it from here.
MELVIN
I'm glad we did this.
He rises and makes an awkward exit.
MELVIN
Good talking to you.
He exits -- Simon puzzled and concerned.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Carol seated working on a letter... She is trying to
express her gratitude... An enormous sheaf of completed
pages sit next to her... She is so involved she doesn't
even look up as a young man, SEAN, knocks on the door and
is let in by Beverly.
They exchange greetings and move inside where we faintly
hear Spencer greeting him... We MOVE IN and read over
Carol's shoulder -- "I'm sorry to have gotten sloppy and
emotional in this letter, but it would have been on my
conscionce (sic) forever if I didn't tell you how
gratefull (sic)... "
BEVERLY
You're not still writing that
thank-you note?
CAROL
I'm on the last page. How do you
spell conscience?
BEVERLY
C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. I got Sean
from the bakery to baby-sit so
let's go out.
CAROL
I still don't feel safe leaving
Spencer with someone. How do you
spell it again?
BEVERLY
Spencer is okay. You'd better
start finding something else to do
with your free time. If you can't
feel good about this break and
step out a little...
(struts and pumps
her arms)
You ought to get Mr. Udall to send
you over a psychiatrist.
CAROL
(more emotionally
than she intended)
I don't need one 'cause I know
what's really going on here. I
have to finish this letter or
I'll go nuts.
(looking at paper;
weepy)
This can't be right -- con-
science.
Carol breathes heavily -- gets control, stopping herself
on the brink of crying.
BEVERLY
Carol. What?
Carol is amazed at herself... that she might not be able
to stem the flow... wide-eyed with apprehension, she
looks at her mother, who, in return, only nods permission
for Carol to let it go. A last defiant snort from Carol
-- and then she is overwhelmed. The headline comes first.
CAROL
I don't know... It's very strange
not feeling that stupid panic
thing inside you all the time.
Without that you just start
thinking about yourself -- and
what does that ever get anybody.
Today, on the bus there was this
adorable couple and I felt myself
giving them a dirty look -- I had
no idea everything was...
BEVERLY
Go ahead.
CAROL
(great, forceful
hand gestures)
... moving in the wrong
direction... Away from when I
even remembered what it was like
to have a man to... anything...
hold fucking -- sorry -- hands
with, for Christ's sake. I was
feeling like really bad that Dr.
Bettes is married.
(this next one's
tough)
Which is probably why I make poor
Spencer hug me more than he wants
to... Like the poor kid doesn't
have enough problems. He has to
make up for his mom not getting
any.
(weeps at her
insight)
Oh, boy. Who needs these
thoughts?
BEVERLY
Spencer's doing fine. So what are
you saying, that you're frustr...
CAROL
Leave me be! Why are you doing
this? Why are you picking at my
sores... What is it that you
want?... You want what? What's
with you? I hope getting me
thinking of everything that's
wrong when all I want is to not
do this has some purpose.
(puffy; red;
furious)
What is it, Mom? No kidding.
Slumped, fought out -- Carol gets out one last, naked
husky voiced question.
CAROL
What is it you want? What?
BEVERLY
I want us to go out.
A beat, then.
CAROL
(simply)
Okay.
INT. CAROL'S APT, SPENCER'S ROOM, HALLWAY - NIGHT
As they enter, still wiping away the effects of their
cry.
CAROL
(to Sean)
We're going out.
SEAN
(looking at their
red eyes)
Looks like fun.
She kisses Spencer -- almost getting involved in what
he's doing -- then sees her mother waiting.
CAROL
Okay -- we're out of here. I love
you.
Spencer nods -- involved with Sean. CAMERA FOLLOWS Carol
as she exits the apartment -- her mother leading.
Halfway down the stairs, she stops and reverses herself,
going back to the apartment which she re-enters -- then
to her son to ask:
CAROL
Do you love me?
SPENCER
Uh-huh.
Carol exits.
EXT. STREET - NEAR CAROL'S BLDG. (MOVING) - DAY
Beverly and Carol walking past the store windows. A
simple and unprecedented experience in their recent
lives.
BEVERLY
Nice to get out, isn't it?
Carol nods tightly... then they wrap arms around each
other and continue walking, turning into a corner bar.
INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON CAROL - DAY
As Carol stands nervously while Lisa finishes reading her
14-page letter. In the b.g. Melvin and Frank are seated
at the same table and in earnest conversation. Lisa
keeps flicking away tears -- a few drops on the pages.
CAROL
Don't get it wet.
Lisa brushes the paper -- finishes and embraces Carol.
CAROL
So it's okay?
LISA
You almost have me liking him.
You sure come from the heart. I
never knew what you went through
with everything.
CAROL
I wanted him to know how much he'd
done.
(looking over)
Can you believe he's eating with
someone.
ON MELVIN & FRANK
MELVIN
It's not my dog and this Simon
seems to have enough on his mind
-- but he did throw up twice and
his spark is off.
FRANK
Sure -- take him to the vet.
MELVIN
I did. And his stomach is out of
whack. So they need him for a
couple of days.
FRANK
Do it.
CAROL
Melvin.
She self-consciously hands him with the thick envelope.
MELVIN
What's this?
CAROL
(sotto)
A thank-you note for what you did
for me.
He hands it back to her deliberately. She takes it and
walks back to the service area where, embarrassed,
confused, and messed with -- she tosses the note.
After Carol leaves...
FRANK
She's nice.
MELVIN
(to Frank)
Really nice. Shouldn't that be a
good thing... telling someone,
'no thanks required.'
FRANK
It looks like it really went over.
You're sure making the rounds.
Simon says you brought him soup
last night. I hope he doesn't
write you a note.
Melvin looks up -- wary -- his brain sends a disturbing
message.
FRANK
What?
MELVIN
"What?" Look at you... You sense
a mark.
FRANK
Hey -- you called me... I...
MELVIN
About a dog.
FRANK
Yeah, but it's all about Simon
now... you helped with the dog...
And now there are other things.
I'm just as concerned as you are
about Simon.
MELVIN
Concerned. I'm just the hall
monitor here.
FRANK
It's not only financial
assistance. What he's got to do
is go to Baltimore tomorrow and
ask his parents for money. It's
not going to happen on the phone.
MELVIN
Yeah. If his parents are alive
they've got to help -- those are
the rules. Good.
FRANK
Yes. And tomorrow? I have a high
maintenance selling painter coming
through... So I'm out. Can you
take him?
MELVIN
Think white and get serious.
Carol enters scene.
FRANK
Take my car -- a convertible. Do
you drive?
MELVIN
(loudly)
Like the wind but I'm not doing
it.
CAROL
Getting loud, getting loud.
MELVIN
He wants me to take his car and
his client to Baltimore.
CAROL
I want your life for a minute
where my big problem is someone
offers me a free convertible so I
can get out of this city.
She exits. Frank prepares to depart.
MELVIN
Okay. I'll take him. Get him
packed -- ready -- tomorrow
morning.
Frank stumbles back... self-satisfied, he relaxes.
MELVIN
(excited)
Okay... so I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's not drag this out. We don't
enjoy another that much.
FRANK
If there's some mental health
foundation that raises money to
help people like you be sure to
let me know.
MELVIN
Last word freak.
Frank adjusts and exits... Carol approaches calling a
"good-bye" to him.
CAROL
So. Anything else?
MELVIN
Yes. I'm going to give my queer
neighbor a lift to Baltimore.
CAROL
Okay.
MELVIN
Hey, what I did for you is working
out?
CAROL
(a breath; then)
What you did changed my life.
She offers him the note.
MELVIN
No... no thank you notes.
CAROL
Well, part of what I said in this
entire history of my life which
you won't read is that somehow
you've done more for my mother, my
son and me, than anyone else ever
has... And that makes you the most
important, surprising, generous
person I've ever met and that you
be in our daily prayers forever.
MELVIN
Lovely.
CAROL
I also wrote one part... I wrote
I'm sorry... I was talking about I
was sorry when I got mad at you
when you came over and you told my
son that he ought to answer back
so I wrote that.
(reading from the
letter, Melvin
wildly uncomfortable)
I was sorry for busting you on
that... and I'm sorry for busting
in on you that night... when I
said I was never... I was sorry
and I'm sorry every time your food
was cold and that you had to wait
two seconds for a coffee filler...
Melvin wants to disappear but Carol is getting into it --
emotionally moved by her own words.
CAROL
... and I'm sorry for never
spotting, right there at the table
in the restaurant, the human being
that had it in him to do this
thing for us... You know what, I'm
just going to start from the
beginning... I have not been able
to express my gratefulness to
you... even as I look at the word
"grateful" now it doesn't begin to
tell you what I feel for you...
And finally Carol notes Melvin's mood and pauses.
MELVIN
Nice of you... thank you.
CAROL
Thank you.
MELVIN
Now I want you to do something for me.
She looks at him for a very strange, long beat.
CAROL
Oh, I'm sorry... Didn't I say,
"what?" I thought I said,
"what?"... What?
MELVIN
I want you to go on this trip.
CAROL
No, sir...
MELVIN
I can't do this alone. I'm afraid
he'll pull the stiff one eye on
me. I need you to chaperon.
Separate everything but cars. You
said you liked convertibles. Now
I'm on the hook.
CAROL
The stiff one eye?
MELVIN
Two days.
CAROL
I can't. I work.
MELVIN
You take off when you have to.
CAROL
My son.
MELVIN
Bettes tells me he's doing fine.
CAROL
(no other way)
Melvin, I'd rather not.
MELVIN
What's that got to do with it?
CAROL
Funny, I thought it was a strong
point.
MELVIN
Write me a note and ain't she
sweet. I need a hand and where'd
she go.
CAROL
Are you saying accepting your help
obligates me!?
MELVIN
Is there another way to see it?
CAROL
No.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - BEVERLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Carol takes an old weekend case down from the top shelf
of the closet.
CAROL
Well, here's a little suitcase
shocked that it's been used.
She holds up a dress -- a pretty one... then decides it's
too pretty and puts it back... Now she looks in another
drawer and pauses as if she ponders one of the mysteries
of the ages. She hesitates then talks to herself.
INSERT -- UNDERWEAR DRAWER
Her best underwear neatly stacked alongside her everyday
"girl Jockies." She fingers the good stuff -- puts it
back -- then the everyday -- hesitates.
CAROL
(furiously exasperated)
There's not way to pack for this
trip... well, I'll tell you -- I'm
not packing the camera.
As she exits the room --
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
As she picks up the phone.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Melvin is in his bedroom -- everything he's taking neatly
stacked on the bed waiting to be packed (he is taking a
camera). He has a list of what he needs. All items --
underwear, socks, etc... with four checks next to each
one and still he -- checks each stack on the bed and adds
another check. The PHONE RINGS. This is an amazing
development. He has almost no recent experience with
receiving a nighttime phone call. He makes a little
comment to himself as he moves.
MELVIN
Woo-woo.
He stops -- briefly trying to remember where the phone is
-- and then, remembering, crosses and picks it up but
before bringing it to his mouth nervously clears his
throat.
ON CAROL
As she hears his throat being cleared. It is not a
pretty sound. (The following conversation is INTERCUT.)
CAROL
Hello?
MELVIN
Are you still coming?
CAROL
Yes.
Melvin visibly relaxes.
CAROL
Melvin... I'd like to know exactly
where we are going.
MELVIN
Just south to Baltimore, Maryland.
So I know what you're going to ask
next.
(correcting himself)
That you might ask -- I'm not
certain.
CAROL
There's... there's no need to
bring anything dressy... or... I
mean -- I didn't know if we'd be
eating at any restaurant that
have dress codes.
MELVIN
Oh.
(a beat)
We might. Yes. We can. Let's.
CAROL
Okay, gotcha. What did you think
I was going to ask?
MELVIN
Whether crabs are in season there
now...
CAROL
Oh. Okay, then -- Melvin. Good
night.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - BEVERLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Beverly looks up expectantly as her daughter enters.
BEVERLY
How was it talking to him?
CAROL
Stop treating this like I'm going
away with a man. He's just going
to say those crappy, sick,
complaining, angry things to me.
I hate this, Mom -- I hate this.
He's a freak show -- the worst
person I ever met.
BEVERLY
Well, maybe he has nice friends.
EXT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Beverly and Spencer wait with her. The bus approaches.
She kisses them.
CAROL
(to Spencer)
You stand there and I'll wave to
you from the back window.
As she boards the bus.
BEVERLY
Call me as soon as you're settled.
CAROL
(to Spencer)
I love you.
The bus driver closes the doors on her -- she shoves them
open.
CAROL
(to bus driver)
Sensitive, huh?!
The bus pulls out. He runs after the bus -- waving at
his mother who grows concerned that he might be taxing
himself.
INT. VETERINARIAN'S WAITING ROOM - DAY
A female VETERINARIAN in surgical scrubs holds Verdell as
Melvin finishes filling out some forms.
On opposite sides of the waiting room, a very large black
dog and a tiny Chihuahua sit patiently with their owners.
VETERINARIAN
Anything unusual in the dog's
diet?
MELVIN
No. Everybody gets their own
cage?
VETERINARIAN
Certainly.
MELVIN
(pointing to
Chihuahua)
Put him in with that one, not that
one...
(pointing to large
dog)
... Builds his confidence.
EXT. BUS STOP NEAR APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - DAY
Carol disembarks.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - DAY
As she walks and turns a corner.
CLOSE ON CAROL
The shot of the prisoner taking the walk toward the death
chamber. But the prisoner -- has grit -- her knees do
not buckle. She does not whimper. No prison "screws"
will have to support her weight. Still, the prospect
couldn't be grimmer.
CAROL'S POV
Melvin next to a spiffy convertible. Top down. Trunk open.
CLOSER ON MELVIN
He is wearing driving gloves and turns to witness the
tussle Frank and Simon are having just inside the
building.
FRANK
I'm sorry that I'm not taking
you.
SIMON
(upset)
So am I, Frank.
Frank starts to leave -- Simon stops him. They embrace.
MELVIN
Soak it up -- it's your last
chance at a hug for a few days.
As Frank moves off Melvin sees Carol and his demeanor
changes... that quickly there is a shyness.
CAROL
Hi.
MELVIN
Thanks for being on time... Carol,
the waitress, this is Simon, the
fag.
CAROL
Hello... Oh, my God, who did that
to you?
SIMON
I, uh... I was... attacked.
Walked in on people robbing me. I
was hospitalized. I almost died.
MELVIN
Let's do the small talk in the
car. Load up.
Carol puts her bag in the car.
MELVIN
I was going to do that for you.
CAROL
(taken aback)
It's okay. No problem. Where
should we sit?
MELVIN
(totally non-plussed)
I -- uh, I... Well, there is no
place cards or anything.
CAROL
(to Simon)
Let me go in back. You look like
you need all the room you can
manage.
SIMON
That's very thoughtful.
MELVIN
Never a break. Never.
Carol steps into the back. Melvin disappointed that he's
not sitting next to Carol... Carol is wedged in the small
back seat. She struggles to get her feet in.
MELVIN
You're really jammed back there.
He reaches for the latch between his legs and slides his
seat and, with some effort, wrenches it forward giving
Carol more room and putting his right against the wheel.
She is startled by the gesture.
CAROL
Thanks, Melvin.
MELVIN
Welcome.
And off they go. Simon and Carol stunned by the manners.
EXT. 12TH STREET
Turning onto Fifth.
MELVIN
I got the whole ride programmed.
CAMERA FOLLOWS as Melvin goes to a rack of CDs -- all
carefully labelled. He selects and begins to play the
one marked "ICEBREAKER." It is a song which we clearly
and quickly judge as off the circumstances -- a quick
burst of "Y.M.C.A." Melvin STOPS the MUSIC and chuckles.
MELVIN
Just wanted to see what you'd do.
No, we have greatness here.
He goes for another CD labelled "FOR USE TO REP THINGS
UP."
The car turns onto Seventh as we hear BEAUTIFULLY
SELECTED MUSIC.
CAROL (O.S.)
Hey, I like this music.
And, as the MUSIC PLAYS, Simon looks out.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
The three of them... Carol chattering away.
CAROL
I don't know the last time I've
been out of the city... Hey, my
arms are tanning. I used to tan
great. We gotta stop soon so'se
I can check on Spencer.
SIMON
(during the above)
I'm sorry... I can't hear you. I
can't turn my head all the way
yet... tell her we can't hear her.
MELVIN
Doesn't matter. She's enjoying
herself. Consider it part of the
music.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
A short time later. Carol is now driving.
CAROL
I'm sure, Simon, they did
something real off for you to feel
this way... But when it comes to
your partners -- or your kid --
things will always be off for you
unless you set it straight. Maybe
this thing happened to you just to
give you that chance.
MELVIN
Nonsense!
CAROL
Anybody here who's interested in
what Melvin has to say raise their
hands.
Simon does not raise his hand. Simon and Carol have thus
declared their majority.
SIMON
Do you want to know what happened
with my parents?
CAROL
Yes. I really would.
SIMON
Well...
CAROL
No, let me pull over so I can pay
full attention.
Car pulling over toward parking spot.
EXT. HIGHWAY - CURBSIDE - CONVERTIBLE - DAY
She takes the car curbside and parks.
CAROL
Now go ahead.
Simon looks back at Melvin as does Carol. He looks
innocent. Several beats -- Melvin almost says something
-- a hidden hand gesture from Carol stops him. Finally.
SIMON
Well, I always painted. Always.
And my mother always encouraged
it. She was sort of fabulous
about it actually... and she used
to... I was too young to think
there was anything at all wrong
with it... and she was very
natural. She used to pose nude
for me... and I thought or assumed
my father was aware of it.
MELVIN
This stuff is pointless.
CAROL
Hey -- you let him...
MELVIN
You like sad stories -- you want
mine.
CARL
. Go ahead, Simon. Really.
Please. Don't let him stop you. Ignore him.
SIMON
Okay. Well, one day my father
came in on one of those painting
sessions when I was nine -- and he
just started screaming at her --
at us -- at evil. And...
MELVIN
(very quickly)
... my father didn't leave his
room for 11 years -- he hit my
hand with a yardstick if I made a
mistake on the piano.
CAROL
Go ahead, Simon. Your father
walked in on you and was yelling
and... really, come on.
SIMON
I was trying to defend my mother
and make peace, in the lamest way.
I said, "she's not naked -- it's
art." And then he started hitting
me. And he beat me unconscious.
After that he talked to me less
and less -- he knew before I left
for college, my dad came into my
room. He held out his hand. It
was filled with money. A big wad
of sweaty money.
(gathers himself)
And he said to me, "I don't want
you to ever come back." I grabbed
him and I hugged him... He turns
and walked out.
Carol, whose life has been rugged but basic, feels as
strange as she does moved by Simon's trauma which is so
much more complicated than her meat and potatoes
troubles. She looks out her window -- then kisses her
fingers and touches them to Simon's cheek. A nice,
understated, gesture of friendship.
CAROL
Well, you know -- I still stay
what I said. You've got to get
past it all when it comes to your
parents. We all have these horror
stories to get over.
Melvin shifts INTO the FRAME.
MELVIN
That's not true. Some of us have
great stories... pretty stories
that take place at lakes with
boats and friends and noodle
salad. Just not anybody in this
car. But lots of people -- that's
their story -- good times and
noodle salad... and that's what
makes it hard. Not that you had
it bad but being that pissed that
so many had it good.
CAROL
No.
SIMON
Not it at all, really.
MELVIN
(a veteran's irony)
Not at all, huh?!... Let's go to
the hotel. And if you're lucky
tomorrow Dad will give you another
wad of sweaty money.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM/CARL'S ROOM - DAY
MELVIN
Two bedrooms and the sofa opens...
Carol is on the phone in the living room -- she hangs up.
CAROL
(to Simon)
No answer... Maybe we should just
drive there tomorrow. Can I have
that one?
MELVIN
Yes... sure.
(to Simon)
I'll take the sofa.
Carol walks into her room -- the nicest room she'll ever
have slept in... She goes to the phone and dials...
CAROL
(into phone)
Hello... Hi, Spencer... Why are
you out of breath? You did?!?
That is great... So great... So --
no, wait a second, Spence...
INT. HOTEL SUITE - MELVIN AND SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Melvin watches Simon struggle to unpack his especially
neat suitcase. Melvin is uncomfortable.
MELVIN
Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon laughs loudly in apprehension squared.
MELVIN
Do you ever get an erection for a
woman?
SIMON
Melvin...
MELVIN
Wouldn't your lie be a lot easier
if you were not...
SIMON
You consider your life easy.
MELVIN
I give you that one...
(eyes suitcase)
Nice packing.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Carol enters the common living room... Melvin is sitting
there. Carol is dealing with a number of unsettling new
factors in her life.
CAROL
My son was outside playing soccer.
I never saw him playing ball. Come
on, you guys -- take me out for a
good time... Take me out dancing.
MELVIN
Dancing?
SIMON
I can't, I'm exhausted.
Carol walks to Simon and puts an arm on him. Melvin is
visibly disturbed by her gesture.
CAROL
(to Simon)
I don't blame you... This is a
monumental first day out... You
sad or anything?
SIMON
No... Nervous. It would be very
rough, Carol, if you weren't
along.
CAROL
What a nice compliment.
She gives Simon a kiss... Melvin deals with jealousy.
She turns to him.
CAROL
I'm happy. And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
She exits the room. Melvin unnerved.
MELVIN
I'm going to jump in the shower.
I'll be right with you.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
As Carol, dressed in a thrift shop find, enters the main
room of the suite and hears the SHOWER running -- she
sits down to wait -- through...
SERIES OF DISSOLVES
Showing the enormous length of time which transpires until
finally a seriously clean Melvin emerges from the bathroom
through a cloud of steam. They exit.
EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
As they drive up.
VALET
Good evening, sir.
MELVIN
They sell hard shell crabs here?
VALET
Yes.
INT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
As they enters...
HEAD WAITER
Good evening.
MELVIN
Hi. You have hard shells, right?
CAROL
Stop asking everyone.
MELVIN
Just him and that's it. Okay, you
can answer -- we've worked it out.
HEAD WAITER
Yes, we do... And I can give you a
tie and jacket.
MELVIN
What?
HEAD WAITER
They require a tie and jacket but
we have some available.
He reaches into the coat and check room and withdraws them.
MELVIN
No... I'm not wearing that -- and
just in case you were going to ask
I'm not going to let you inject me
with plaque either.
CAROL
You promised a nice place -- can't
you just...
(to Head Waiter)
You have these dry cleaned all the
time, don't you?
HEAD WAITER
Actually, I don't think so.
MELVIN
(to Carol)
Wait here.
EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
As Melvin takes his car back from the valet.
EXT. STREET - SHOPPING MALL - NIGHT
As the car goes right across the street to a shopping
mall.
INT. SHOPPING MALL - MEN'S STORE - NIGHT
Melvin walks to the doorway and stops suddenly.
SALESMAN
Good evening.
MELVIN
I need a coat and tie.
OTHER ANGLE
CAMERA REVEALS that the floor is intricately patterned so
that passage for Melvin is impossible.
SALESMAN
Come on in.
MELVIN
No.
SALESMAN
No?
MELVIN
(pointing)
That jacket and give me a tie.
EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
As he pulls up - a new VALET taking his car.
VALET #2
Good evening.
MELVIN
You have hard shells?
VALET #2
I'm not sure.
MELVIN
Everyone else says you do.
VALET #2
Then I guess we do.
INT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT
As he enters, looks for and then spot Carol. She is
having a martini at the bar... Sitting on a stool --
watching COUPLES dance... Happy by herself... Turning
down a MAN who wants to buy her another... And Melvin
watches... Watches his date.
HEAD WAITER
Shall I get her for you?
MELVIN
No, it's all right. I'll just
watch.
He enjoys watching her for a few more beats... She turns
-- Melvin makes a "Haul your ass over here" gesture...
and she smiles and walks toward him... A WAITER has
lifted her drink -- placed it on a tray and follows her.
She takes a bit of a slalom course through the tables,
giddy as the MUSIC PLAYS and couples dance in the b.g.
She notices the waiter in her trail.
CAROL
(mouthing the words
to Melvin)
My drink is following me.
Melvin watches her approach. It is all too exquisite.
He takes a breath -- it doesn't come easily.
CAROL
You look s...
She stops herself from saying "sexy," regathers, then...
CAROL
You look great.
They arrives at the table. He holds out her chair for her.
CAROL
You wanna dance?
MELVIN
I've been thinking about that
since you brought it up before.
CAROL
(rising)
And?
MELVIN
No...
(and before she can
digest that)
... I don't get this place. They
make me buy an outfit but they let
you wear a house dress. I don't
get it.
ON CAROL
Melvin has no idea he has insulted her. Sandbagged in
extreme, she gets up -- actually ready to leave.
MELVIN
No. Wait. What? Why? I didn't
mean it. You gotta sit down. You
can still give me the dirty
look... just sit down and give it
to me.
CAROL
Melvin, pay me a compliment... I
need one and quick... You have no
idea how much what you said just
hurt my feelings.
MELVIN
(really pissed,
mutters)
That monominute somebody gets that
you need them they threaten to go
away. Never fails.
CAROL
That's not compliment, Melvin...
That's just trying to sound smart
so I feel stupid... A compliment
is something nice about somebody
else... Now or never.
MELVIN
Okay.
He waves her down.
CAROL
(sitting)
And mean it...
MELVIN
Can we order first?
She thinks and then nods. The waiter is across the room.
This does not stop Melvin.
MELVIN
(calling)
Two crab dinners and pitcher of
cold beer.
(to Carol)
Baked or fries?
CAROL
Fries.
MELVIN
(calling)
One baked -- one fries.
STARTLED WAITER
(shouting back)
I'll tell your waiter.
MELVIN
(to Carol)
Okay, I got a real great
compliment for you and it's true.
CAROL
I am so afraid you're about to say
something awful...
MELVIN
Don't be pessimistic. It's not
your style. Okay... Here I
goes... Clearly a mistake.
(this is hell
for him)
I have this -- what? Ailment...
And my doctor -- a shrink... who
I used to see all the time... he
says 50 or 60 percent of the time
a pill can really help. I hate
pills. Very dangerous things,
pills. "Hate," I am using the
word "hate" about pills. My
compliment is that when you came
to my house that time and told me
how you'd never -- well, you were
there, you know... The next
morning I started taking these
pills.
CAROL
(a little confused)
I don't quite get how that's a
compliment for me.
Amazing that something in Melvin rises to the occasion --
so that he uncharacteristically looks at her directly --
then:
MELVIN
You make me want to be a better
man.
Carol never expected the kind of praise which would so
slip under her guard. She stumbles a bit -- flattered,
momentarily moved and his for the taking.
CAROL
That's maybe the best compliment
of my life.
MELVIN
Then I've really overshot here
'cause I was aiming at just enough
to keep you from walking out.
Carol laughs.
CAROL
So how are you doing with those
pills? Well, I hopahopahopa.
MELVIN
Takes months to know... They work
little by little.
(holds his head;
then)
Talking like this is exhausting.
Carol moves to the chair next to him... She sits very
close -- he tenses.
CAROL
Have you ever let a romantic
moment make you do something you
know is stupid?
MELVIN
Never.
CAROL
Here's the trouble with never.
TIGHT SHOT
for the kiss. Their faces are close -- she looks at
him... She closes her eyes -- her face moving toward him
-- he is wide-eyed and afraid... His face almost moves
away -- in a shot this close it's almost flight... But
now his head moves back and he receives her kiss. It is
brief. Carol smiles encouragement to him and herself.
Melvin can't bear the pleasure.
MELVIN
You don't owe me that.
CAROL
That wasn't payment. When you
first came into breakfast, when I
saw you -- I thought you were
handsome... Then, of course, you
spoke... So now that your soft
li'l underbelly is all exposed.
Tell me, why did you bring me?
Melvin's voice is soft -- hesitant, okay, vulnerable...
as he holds up his hands in a "stop" signal.
MELVIN
Well, ah... that's a personal
question.
CAROL
Tell me even if you're scared.
Tell me why you wanted me here.
It's okay.
She kisses him again.
CAROL
If you ask me... I'll say, "yes."
MELVIN
(dissembling)
There are lots of reason... I had
a thought that if you had sex with
Simon it might...
CAROL
(humiliated)
Sex with Simon?
MELVIN
It's one idea...
CAROL
That's why you brought me? Look
at me! Is that really why you
brought me... Like I'm a what and
I owe you what?!
MELVIN
I don't know why I brought you --
that idea occurred to me is all...
It came out first... Hey, you kiss
him -- me... He says he loves
you. You two hit it off. But you
don't want to... fine... Forget
what I said about sex with Simon.
It was a mistake.
CAROL
(wiping away tears)
I'll never forget you said it.
MELVIN
It was a mistake.
But she has already turned away and exits the
restaurant... Melvin alone and miserable.
INT. SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
He finishes dialing. He is extremely tense -- not
breathing -- a lump in his throat -- trying not to let
the anxiety immobilize him... the NUMBER RINGS twice,
then a humorless male voice:
PARENTS' VOICE
(humorless male
voice)
Hi. This is Fred Bishop...
(perky woman's
voice)
... and Betty.
(Fred again)
We are sorry to be unable to take
your call right now. Please leave
a message and we'd appreciate your
including the time/date and
purpose of your call.
(Simon mouths the
word "date," then
Betty speaks before
the beep Bye-bye.
SIMON
Ah, this is Simon... I'm here in
town...
(he waits)
... and, folks, you haven't come
home later than 10 in your lives.
Please pick up -- really...
Okay... I'm going to call again in
the morning. I need to see you.
Or, at least get you to answer the
phone.
He hangs up. His parents want no part of him and he
needs help.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - CAROL'S ROOM - NIGHT
As Carol enters with some energy. We FOLLOW her as she
goes into her room -- takes her suitcase, begins throwing
things in.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - SIMON'S ROOM - NIGHT
SIMON
Hello... Hello???
Carol thrusts open the door and enters...
SIMON
Was this supposed to be your room?
CAROL
Our room. I don't want to see him
and he's not going to come
knocking on your door.
Simon struggles with his shirt -- she helps him,
inadvertently venting some anger as she does so.
SIMON
Can you not be violent?
CAROL
I don't think so. You need help
with the pants?
SIMON
(emphatically)
No!!!
CAROL
I'm going to take a big bath and
order a big meal.
SIMON
Uh-huh...
CAROL
I'm sorry... are you okay?
SIMON
Well, considering everything's
horrible and tomorrow I have to
face my parents... Don't ask me
... I'm sick of my own complaints
... got to get me a new set of
thoughts.
CAROL
Why? What have you been thinking
about?
SIMON
How to die, mostly.
CAROL
Can you believe in our little mix
you're the good roommate.
Simon laughs -- as she crosses to the bathroom and begins
to prepare a bath.
SIMON
(turning off the light)
Good night.
CAROL
Good night.
We are ON Simon settling in for sleep, when instinct or
sounds or the faint glow of hope turns him so that he
faces the bathroom and we have...
SIMON'S POV
Carol sitting at tub's edge -- a towel around her and now
as Simon looks at the bathing beauty she adjusts her hair
-- the towel falls -- a better than perfect breast
exposed...
BACK TO SCENE
SIMON
(a whisper)
Hold it.
He leaves the bed.
ANGLES ON HOTEL DESK
What's he up to... he takes the blotter from the desk set
and a pen from his jacket pocket which hangs on the chair
and with vigor and faint pain moves to the other side of
the bed where he turns on the light and stares at Carol.
SIMON
I've got to sketch you.
CAROL
No... Absolutely not. I'm shyer
than you think. I give the wrong
impression sometimes and...
SIMON
I haven't even been thinking about
sketching for weeks.
CAROL
Stop staring. Do a vase.
SIMON
But you're beautiful... your skin
glows.
CAROL
Thanks. But I just want to take a
bath and...
SIMON
That long neck -- the line of
you... you're porcelain... your
back goes on forever. You're
classic... you're why cavemen
chiseled on walls...
CAROL
All right, cut me a break.
Simon's pen moves across the blotter -- Carol sees him
earnestly engrossed, a beat of indecision and then shyly
but deliberately she lowers the towel. He's right.
She's breathtaking.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Melvin sits alone, nursing a drink. He's been talking to
the bartender.
MELVIN
So then, the next thing I know,
she's sitting right next to me,
and then, well, it's not right to
go into the details, but I screwed
up. I got nervous. I said the
wrong thing and if I hadn't, I
could be in bed now with a woman
who if you could make her smile
you got a life. Instead, I'm here
with you, no offense, a moron
pushing the last legal drug.
He sits there, just another Joe on a bar stool with his
heart breaking.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - SIMON'S ROOM - CLOSE ON SIMON - NIGHT
He's excited -- smiling... We hear Carol -- also revved.
CAROL (O.S.)
I don't care how you put it --
We're being naughty here, pal.
FULL SHOT
Carol holding a pose for Simon... He is holding a
ballpoint over the back of a hotel desk blotter. His
style cramped by his cast.
SIMON
No. No. This is great, this is
so great. I can't get the angle
with this cast.
He struggles with the cast, and then decides to struggle
no more. Summoning remarkable strength, he rips a piece
from the cast, freeing his hand -- he roars ironically --
a lion's roar of liberation. He is back at his center.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Melvin is having a room service breakfast.
The door opens... Simon enters. A new Simon -- better
than ever, clearly happy -- a morning-after glow.
MELVIN
Did you have sex with her?
Carol follows his out. Her arms are filled with the
hotel soaps, shampoos, etc.
MELVIN
Sorry, didn't realize she was
right there.
(a beat)
Did you have sex with her?
CAROL
To hell with sex.
Carol looks at Melvin -- he can't meet her gaze.
CAROL
We held each other. It was better
than sex. What I need he gave me
great.
SIMON
I just love her.
(beat)
How're you doing?
Melvin reacts.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY
Simon finishes dialing the phone... a brief wait, then:
SIMON
Hello, hi, Mom -- I can barely
hear you. Do you have to whisper?
No -- don't apologize -- it was
the luckiest thing for all of us
that you didn't answer last
night... I can't hear you... okay,
dear, just listen to me then.
ON MELVIN AND CAROL
Melvin has been reduced to straight talk as Carol brings
the bathroom bounty into the room and begins to put it in
her suitcase.
MELVIN
I get why you're angry. It's no
snap to explain why I was like
that, but let's not try to do it
on the run...
SIMON
... so Mom. Truly no grudges --
truly. A little odd that you
didn't come to see me when you
heard I was hurt, but the
important thing I want you to know
is your son is happy. I'm working
again. I'll make do -- I don't
want a thing. Wouldn't take it if
it was offered. I'll drop you a
note from wherever I land and then
it's up to you. I hope we patch
things up but know that if we
don't, I wish you both the very
best... I can't hear you. You
heard me, though, right? Good --
take good care. 'Bye.
He hangs up, totally satisfied with himself and rips over
to Carol and Melvin.
MELVIN
... Now he's going to want to
stay. And they'll want to take a
ride to the lake or whatever. So
it's a good five hours back. It
gives us a chance to take it easy
and...
SIMON
I'm going back with you.
CAROL
But what about...
SIMON
I'll take care of myself --
MELVIN
What are you talking about? You
got real problems.
SIMON
I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
CAROL
One night with me!
SIMON
You think you're kidding.
Melvin stalks out.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The car parked near a phone booth --
MELVIN
(to Frank over
the phone)
Aww Jesus! No choice.
Carol walks up to Simon in the car.
CAROL
I got a gift for you.
She hands him a base ball cap.
MELVIN
(on phone)
Nothing like no choice to make you
feel at home.
CAROL
(to Simon)
Let me see... Ahh, gorgeous!
MELVIN
Do it then. Get the dog picked
up. I can't believe you let it
stay there.
Melvin hangs up the phone.
MELVIN
Good-bye.
(to Simon)
Well, your luck is holding. They
sublet your place. You're
homeless. Frank's got a line on
another place you can use for now.
SIMON
Another place where?
MELVIN
Does it matter?
Melvin gets in -- goes to the glove compartment for a
special CD labelled "For Emergency Use Only." As it
PLAYS a confessional love SONGS:
CAROL
I don't want to hear that music
right now.
MELVIN
What do you mean? You said you
liked it.
CAROL
I don't.
MELVIN
This one has a special meaning.
CAROL
It's your car but I don't want to
hear it. If that means anything.
Melvin hesitates and then turns OFF the SONG in mid-
proclamation of love.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - NIGHT
As the car arrives... They get out...
MELVIN
Here are the keys to my apartment.
I'm going to park you in my place
while I take Carol home.
CAROL
(hefting bag)
I'll take a bus.
MELVIN
I'll take you... why not?
CAROL
I don't care what you did for me.
I don't think I want to know you
anymore -- all you do is make me
feel badly about myself.
(turning to Simon)
You have my number.
SIMON
(hugging her)
I love you...
(sotto)
Let him take you home.
CAROL
Don't want to. I love you.
She shakes her head and walks off. Simon looking at
Melvin with some sympathy.
MELVIN
Don't say anything.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT KITCHEN - NIGHT
Where Verdell's ears prick.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
As they enter.
MELVIN (O.S.)
I told you to go on in.
SIMON (O.S.)
Look, I've got to get a hold of
Frank and see where I'm hanging my
hat 'cause...
The door opens, revealing them:
MELVIN
I think you gotta camp it here...
SIMON
What are you talking about?
The dog vaults toward them -- all else forgotten as the
dog greets his two favorite people and they talk to him.
SIMON
(to Verdell)
I know the feeling -- you feel
like your ol' self again, huh? --
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Melvin reacts.
SIMON
Sorry... You're fun to mess with.
Melvin gets up... Simon notices some of his paintings.
MELVIN
They took your place furnished.
Jackie said she grabbed your
personal stuff -- they were
supposed to set you up here.
(leading the way)
There's this extra room -- I
never use. It gets good light.
No other answer really.
Simon follows.
INT. SIMON'S NEW ROOM - NIGHT
As they enter... the room clean and organized -- a small
but lovely garret.
SIMON
Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm
me.
MELVIN
They did a nice job... Cozy, huh?
SIMON
I love you.
Melvin looks at him finally -- pretensions fall.
MELVIN
I'll tell you, buddy, I'd be the
luckiest guy alive if that did it
for me.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
As Carol unpacks, she gives gifts to her mother and
Spencer. But clearly something gnaws at her psyche.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Melvin's two digital clocks are two minutes apart... each
around 1:55 a.m... He sits in a chair still fully
dressed... forlorn... Verdell in his lap. A beat then we
hear Simon's whispered voice.
SIMON (O.S.)
Where is my big hairy boy?
Melvin is alarmed. He stops breathing as his gay houseguest
approaches.
SIMON (O.S.)
Verdell, sweeties?
Melvin breathes again. Simon enters the room.
SIMON
Sorry, didn't know you were awake.
I just thought Verdell shouldn't
get too used to sleeping in here
'cause then...
MELVIN
Look, we both want the dog --
and...
The PHONE RINGS... they look at each other. Melvin
doesn't move.
SIMON
Should I get it?
Melvin nods. Simon walks into the next room... several
beats as he finds the phone. We hear him pick it up and:
SIMON (O.S.)
Hello.
ON SIMON
SIMON
(into phone)
Hello. It's me. He took me in.
Did you know? Hold on, I'll get
him for you.
He walks back to Melvin's room.
INT. MELVIN'S ROOM - NIGHT
As he enters.
SIMON
It's Carol.
Melvin is quickly out of his chair -- the dog in one
mitt... he thrusts it at Simon.
MELVIN
Here. Take the dog.
As he speeds him out...
SIMON
Good luck.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
As Melvin picks up the phone... He clears his throat
loudly. Following is INTERCUT between Carol and Melvin
-- the first such CUT showing Carol blasted by the throat
clearing.
MELVIN
Hello.
CAROL
Yeah... Well...
MELVIN
(very concerned)
How you doing?
CAROL
I can trust my brain.
MELVIN
That seems like a good choice.
CAROL
I don't know whether I'm being
sensible or hard on you.
MELVIN
The two might go together.
CAROL
See. There's an example. I don't
know whether you're being cute or
crazy now.
MELVIN
(what the hell)
Cute.
CAROL
You don't have to answer
everything I say. Just listen to
me. Okay?
He nods his head, "yes."
CAROL
It's really something that you're
looking after Simon. And what I
said on the street. That was a
bad thing to say. And it made me
sick to my stomach. It was a bad
thing to say. And I'd be lying if
I didn't say that I enjoyed your
company... but the truth is you do
bother me enormously and I know --
think -- that it's best for me to
not have contact with you because
you're just not ready and you're a
pretty old guy to not be ready...
and I'm too old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary
kindnesses that did take place.
So thanks for the trips...
She's just broken up with him but she's being nicer than
ever. It's hard to know whether to die or not.
MELVIN
Okay to say something now?
CAROL
Go ahead.
MELVIN
I should've danced with you.
CAROL
Okay. Good-bye.
MELVIN
So long.
Carol hangs up. She feels strange. A shoe hasn't dropped.
Oh, hell... she missed him.
INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Melvin walks in anxious circles in the living room. He
is impatient.
MELVIN
You going to come talk to me or
not?
SIMON
I'm coming.
We enters the room carrying Verdell who strains to be
allowed closer to Melvin. Simon releases him.
SIMON
What did she say?
MELVIN
I'm a great guy --
"extraordinary"...
(before Simon can
celebrate)
... and she doesn't want contact
with me.
(a beat)
I'm dying here.
SIMON
Because...
(gently)
... you love her?
MELVIN
(sharply)
No... and you're supposed to be
sensitive and sharp.
SIMON
Okay... you tell me why --
(mimics him)
"You're dying here."
MELVIN
I don't know... Let me sleep on it
and figure it out.
(then)
Because I'm stuck! Can't go back
to what I had... She's evicted me
from my life.
SIMON
Did you like it that much?
MELVIN
(furiously)
It was better than this... Look,
you, I'm very intelligent. If
you're going to give me advice or
conversation or consolation or
hope, you got to be better than
you're doing. If you can't be at
least momentarily interesting than
shut the hell up. I'm drowning
and you're describing water.
SIMON
(getting pissed)
Picking on me won't help.
MELVIN
Well, if that's true then I'm
really in trouble.
SIMON
But you know where you're lucky?
MELVIN
Absolutely not.
SIMON
You know who you want. I'll take
your seat any day. So do
something... don't sleep on it...
go over there. I don't think
anybody should ever sleep on
anything -- it's not always good
to let things calm down.
MELVIN
Hey... I'm charged here. But she
might kill me for showing up this
late.
SIMON
Then get in your jammies and I'll
read you a story... I think you've
got a chance. The only real enemy
you have is her ability to think
logically -- the best thing you
have going for you is your
willingness to humiliate yourself
if it gives you one chance in
whatever -- so go catch her off-
guard.
MELVIN
Okay. Thanks a lot. Here I go.
He moves for the door... stops suddenly, jolted.
SIMON
What's wrong?
MELVIN
I forgot to lock the door.
EXT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING (CAROL'S NEIGHBORHOOD) -
NIGHT
As he parks. He exits the car -- now wary... looks at
his watch... hesitates... walks reluctantly into the
apartment house.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - VESTIBULE - NIGHT
As Melvin looks at Carol's doorbell with great
uncertainty.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Carol in a cotton wrap-around dress/bathrobe... sitting
directly in front of a fan... the windows open, reading
one of Melvin's books...
There is the briefest possible sound of a DOORBELL...
someone has jabbed her downstairs button ever so briefly
-- so briefly that she's not certain it's her DOORBELL --
until the same brief sound REPEATED... She walks to
her wide open window and looks over.
HER POV
The convertible at the curb.
BACK TO SCENE
She hesitates --
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - VESTIBULE - NIGHT
As Melvin gives up and starts out... turning as the
sudden blast of being BUZZED into Carol's life sounds.
He bolts for the door and enters.
INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
She opens the door... she hears the sound of MELVIN
SOUNDING HEAVILY up the stairs... He reaches her side.
CAROL
What do you want, Melvin?
MELVIN
Were you asleep?
CAROL
What do you want?
MELVIN
'Cause if you were asleep -- I'm
sorry. And you could be grouchy.
CAROL
Grouchy?
MELVIN
... 'Cause of being woken up, and
it would make my job impossible.
So then I wouldn't even try.
CAROL
What job?
MELVIN
Were you asleep?
CAROL
What are you doing here?
ANOTHER ANGLE
Beverly in the hallway looking on --
BACK TO SCENE
MELVIN
I'm sorry I woke you -- some other
time.
He half turns to leave.
CAROL
I wasn't asleep!!
MELVIN
What a break...
CAROL
(losing it a bit)
Is it a secret what you're doing
here?
MELVIN
I had to see you...
CAROL
Because...
MELVIN
It relaxes me... I'd feel better
just sitting on the curb in front
of your house than anyplace else
I can think of or imagine.
Carol has not ever heard anything like that before...
it's sort of sexy in its sincerity.
ANOTHER ANGLE
As we see in the b.g. that Beverly, standing near her
door down the hallway, has heard at least this last
part...
Melvin, of course, cannot leave well enough alone...
MELVIN
(serious)
Wait a minute, I'm overstating
here, maybe the inside stairs. I
don't want to sit with my feet in
the gutter. What does that serve?
It only...
But suddenly Carl is shouting to the heavens.
CAROL
Stop it!! Why can't I have a
normal boyfriend??? Why? Get out
of here. Just a regular boyfriend
who doesn't go nuts on me...
BEVERLY
(butting in)
Everybody wants that, dear -- it
doesn't exit...
(as Carol turns
to her)
Sorry... didn't mean to interrupt.
She disappears into her room. Carol snorts a laugh --
gathers herself. A beat.
MELVIN
(hopefully)
Boyfriend?
CAROL
Oh, come on in and try not to ruin
everything by being you.
MELVIN
Maybe we could live without the
wise cracks.
She looks at him -- then:
CAROL
Maybe we could...
Melvin glances at the cracked pattern of Carol's kitchen
linoleum and stalls at the door.
MELVIN
It feels a little confined here.
Let's take a walk.
CAROL
See. It's four in the morning. A
walk sounds a little screwy to me,
if you don't mind.
MELVIN
If you need an excuse, there's a
bakery on the corner. There's a
shot it'll open soon -- that way
we're not screwy -- we're just
two people who like warm rolls.
CAROL
Okay.
EXT. STREET - NEAR BAKERY - NIGHT
They walk quietly -- Melvin still walking with his usual
attention to where he steps.
CAROL'S POV
Melvin walking -- and though we can see an improvement --
it is still decidedly strange as he conspicuously avoids
stepping on the lines.
BACK TO SCENE
Carol sighs. It is the sound of possibilities crashing
down. Melvin looks at her -- embarrassed, self-conscious
-- his habits making him appear unworthy.
CAROL
(gently; almost
lovingly)
I'm sorry, Melvin -- but whatever
this is -- is not going to work.
ON MELVIN
He takes this hard. It forces him to half-whisper
something he hasn't at all said to himself... given his
history... this is an extraordinary intimacy.
MELVIN
I'm feeling... I've been feeling
better.
CAROL
Melvin, even though it may seem
that way now -- you don't know me
all that well...
(as he scoffs)
I'm not the answer for you.
She starts to turn. He tugs at her arm. As she turns
back to him.
MELVIN
Hey, I've got a great compliment
for you.
CAROL
You know what? I...
MELVIN
Just let me talk.
(gathers himself
with uncertainty,
then:)
I'm the only one on the face of
the earth who realizes that you're
the greatest woman on earth. I'm
the only one who appreciates how
amazing you are in every single
thing you do -- in every single
thought you have... in how you
are with Spencer -- Spence...
(he has reached
her)
... in how you say what you mean
and how you almost always mean
something that's all about being
straight and good...
ON CAROL
She stands on the precipice of being transported away
from the logic which has been her lifeline.
MELVIN
I think most people miss that
about you and I watch wondering
how they can watch you bring them
food and clear their dishes and
never get that they have just met
the greatest woman alive... And
the fact that I get it makes me
feel great... about me!
(a real question
filled with
concern for her)
You got a real good reason to walk
out on that?
That last question clearly a true question, not the least
rhetorical -- she considers her answer, then:
CAROL
No! It's certainly not. No -- I
don't think so. No.
MELVIN
(tentatively)
I'm gonna grab you.
(with conviction)
I didn't mean it to be a question.
I'm gonna grab you.
He kisses her. An awkward bomb of a kiss. They separate.
A tense beat. Then:
MELVIN
I know I can do better.
They embrace again. He does indeed do much better. A
first-class smooch. CAMERA MOVES DOWN to see his foot
land squarely on a crack in the sidewalk without his
knowledge. They break -- look at each other without a
notion of where to take it from here, and the ALMOST in
unison begin to walk away FROM CAMERA, Melvin following a
path that avoids cracks. Suddenly the lights of the
bakery turn on as it opens for business.
CAROL
Warm rolls...
They walk to the bakery, Melvin avoiding the cracks. As
they enter the bakery, a WORKER moves toward them to
clean the entranceway. Melvin, forced to step back onto
a crack, this time notices -- registers the momentous
fact and joins Carol inside as we:
FADE OUT
THE END
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