BARBIE
Written by
Greta Gerwig & Noah Baumbach
EXT. A DESERT-LIKE-LANDSCAPE. DAY
Like Kubrick's 2001, but with little girls, not apes. And
with baby dolls, not sticks and stuff.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Since the beginning of time, since
the first little girl ever existed,
there have been dolls.
These little girls rock their baby dolls, they burp them,
they cuddle them: They pretend to be Moms.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
But the dolls were always and
forever baby dolls. The girls who
played with them could only ever
play at being MOTHERS. Which can be
fun, at least for a while anyway...
Ask your mother.
(pause)
This continued, until...
One of the girls looks UP.
Something has appeared in their midst. Something NEW.
It's a GIANT BARBIE DOLL - BARBIE MARGOT, the 1950s Barbie,
with her black and white swimsuit and lipstick.
The girls react with awe.
They're stirred up and excited by this Barbie Margot not
unlike the apes in that Kubrick masterpiece. They try to
touch her, and one little girl starts smashing her baby doll
against the ground until it breaks into pieces. She lets out
a child's howl!
One by one the little girls follow suit: whooping, screaming,
throwing their baby dolls away in fits of joyful anger.
A final little girl throws her baby doll up in the air, and
it is spinning, spinning - with a match cut to:
BARBIE
INT. WHITE SPACE
Barbie stands in a empty space of the soon-to-be formed
Barbie Land - it's a void, a limbo - but clearly in a film
studio. The World of Barbie is a Technicolor Soundstage.
2.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Yes Barbie changed everything! Then
she changed it all again!
We go through all the changes to Barbie Margot, as she moves
through the decades.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
All of these women are Barbie, and
Barbie is all of these women. She
might have started out as just a
lady in a bathing suit, but she
became so much more.
We see a row of Barbies. As we move back we see that "Barbie"
is a EVERY different kind of woman -- every profession, every
ethnicity, every body shape, every different ability and
every gift. As we pan by each one, we hear:
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
She has her own money, her own
house, her own car, her own career.
Because Barbie can be anything,
women can be anything.
We see a Map with Barbie Land on it and a long red arrow is
drawn across a split screen to the Real World.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(triumphantly)
And this has been reflected back
onto the little girls of today in
the Real World.
Girls playing with the different dolls. The girls all mirror
what their Barbie is. So the doctor is the doctor, the
ballerina is the ballerina, etc.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Girls can grow into women who can
achieve everything and anything
they set their mind to.
Finally, we see a vast sea of Barbies. All in different
outfits, different hairstyles, adding new friends, speaking
different languages. And now Barbie's world gets continually
multi-faceted and wide-ranging and diverse and interesting.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(triumphantly)
Thanks to Barbie all problems of
feminism and equal rights have been
solved!
(MORE)
3.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(with a knowing smirk)
... at least that's what the
Barbies think.
We float above the Barbies into the clouds, then we descend
to earth, to see, just below the clouds and above land, the
heart-shaped BARBIE LAND.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
After all they're living in Barbie
Land. Who am I to burst their
bubble? And here is one of those
Barbies now, living her best day
every day.
INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. BEDROOM. DAY
Barbie Margot wakes up in her pink Dreamhouse. Everything is
perfect. Of course. This whole sequence is like a movie-
musical of the best life ever.
There are no walls just like the toy so Barbie Margot can
wave across to another Barbie waking up in her Dreamhouse
next door.
In every OTHER Dreamhouse, all the Barbies are having their
perfect morning. It's a Barbie Ballet.
INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. BATHROOM. DAY
Barbie Margot steps out of her heels, revealing her
permanently arched feet.
Barbie Margot stands under the shower head, but nothing comes
out, she turns her head this way and that, as if there is
water but there is nothing. Her hair looks amazing anyway.
She opens an AMAZING closet and then magically steps out with
a new, perfect outfit!
INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. SLIDE. DAY
Barbie takes her slide down to the pool. Because she can!
INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY
She eats a nothing breakfast, drinks a big glass of nothing.
EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. DAY
Barbie Margot stands at the top floor of her house, waves to
her friends and then improbably sails through the air and
lands in the driver's seat of her car.
4.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
When you're playing with Barbies
nobody bothers to walk them down
the stairs and out the door etc...
you just pick them up and put them
where you want them to go -- You
use your imagination!
Behind her, Barbie Alexandra ALSO sails through the air and
lands in HER dream car.
Barbie Margot drives and waves at Skipper in the doorway of
her treehouse.
Midge appears in Skipper's yard, aggressively waving at
Barbie Margot.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(butting in)
Midge was Barbie's pregnant friend.
Oh let's not show Midge actually...
she was discontinued by Mattel
because a pregnant doll is just too
weird. Anyway... Barbie has another
BIG day ahead of her.
EXT. BARBIE LAND. DAY
Barbie Margot waves happily, sometimes with both hands, to
other Barbies as her car silently drives itself through a
bustling town. It's like Richard Scarry's Busy Town for
Barbie. It's a wonder of color and shape. The houses are all
see-through, like the toys, it's a Noah's Ark of doll-tastic
magic.
It's also completely run by women. They hold every kind of
job. Barbie Margot waves to a Barbie mail carrier, and an all
Barbie construction crew. There is the occasional Ken, but
mostly it's Barbie.
Barbie Margot drives past the Barbie White House which is, of
course, pink.
INT. BARBIE OVAL OFFICE. LIGHT PINK HOUSE. DAY
Barbie Issa Rae, president (maybe in a ball gown?!) signs a
bill into law, surrounded by Barbie Congresswomen. Barbie
Margot stands with the press, proud.
BARBIE ISSA
Everybody - turn to the Barbie next
to you, tell her how much you love
her. Compliment her!
(MORE)
5.
BARBIE ISSA (CONT'D)
Reporter Barbie, you can ask me any
question you want.
BARBIE RITU
How come you're so amazing?
BARBIE ISSA
(giggling)
No comment! No seriously, no
comment.
Barbie Issa looks to the Barbies around her:
BARBIE ISSA
I love you guys!
Hugs, sweetness, support. It is REALLY great here.
INT. NOBEL PRIZE THEATRE. DAY.
A big ceremony, very official, proper. A Barbie Dignitary (in
another flouncy ballgown) presides:
BARBIE DIGNITARY
The Nobel Prize in Journalism goes
to "BARBIE!"
It's Reporter Barbie! Woohoo! Barbie Margot leaps to her
feet, deeply proud.
BARBIE RITU
I worked very hard, so... I deserve
it!
BARBIE DIGNITARY
The Nobel Prize in Literature goes
to "BARBIE!"
It's Barbie Alexandra Shipp! Barbie Margot claps and hoots
from the audience. She's so proud of her friends.
BARBIE ANNOUNCER
(bestowing the prize)
You're the voice of a generation.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
(no false modesty!)
I know.
INT. SUPREME COURT. DAY
Barbie Sharon argues a case passionately in front of the
Supreme Court, all Barbies.
6.
BARBIE SHARON
Only Barbies are Barbies, and we
would argue that corporations have
no "free speech" rights to begin
with, so any claim on their part to
be exercising a right is just their
attempt to turn our democracy into
a plutocracy!
The Gallery erupts into rapturous applause. Some Kens are
there for support.
BARBIE SHARON
This makes me emotional! And I'm
expressing it. I have no difficulty
holding both logic and feeling at
the same time. It does not diminish
my powers, it expands them.
The Chief Justice Barbie hits her gavel, but she can't help
but smile. Barbie Margot is there, always cheering on, always
the supporter.
EXT. BARBIE LAND. DAY.
Barbie Margot drives past the BAX airport and an airplane
passes overhead, we move up, and the female pilot waves down -
BARBIE PILOT
Hi Barbie!
- the airplane wipes and we keep moving up to find:
EXT. SPACE. DAY
Astronaut Barbie floats around in space. High fives with
another Astronaut Barbie. Wave down to Barbie Margot, too!
BARBIE ASTRONAUTS
(in unison)
Hi Barbie!
EXT./INT. BARBIE CAR.
Barbie Margot waves up at the astronauts.
BARBIE MARGOT
Yay space!
Finally she passes and salutes Barbie Mt. Rushmore.
Remember this!
7.
EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. DAY
Barbie Margot drives up & hits the beach. This is semi-epic,
almost somber in it's initial grandeur.
Ken Ryan Gosling holds a surf board and stands atop of a
dune. He's waiting for his Barbie, Barbie Margot.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Barbie has a great day every day.
But Ken only has a great day if
Barbie looks at him.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(courageous)
Hi Barbie!
Barbie Margot turns and smiles.
BARBIE MARGOT
Hi Ken!
All the Barbies we just saw are now at the beach - they are
all everything. Barbie Margot says Hi to Barbies and Ken -
or, rather, the Multiplicity of Kens!
KEN SIMU
(to Ken Ryan Gosling)
Hi Ken.
Ken Ryan Gosling groans, waving his hand in dismissal.
BARBIE HARI
Hi Ken!
KEN NCUTI
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE EMMA
Hi Ken!
KEN KINGSLEY
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Hi Ken!
BARBIE SHARON
Hi Ken!
KEN SCOTT
Hi Barbie!
8.
KEN KINGSLEY
Hi Ken! I got us both ice creams!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Cool.
BARBIE ANA
Hi Ken!
Everyone says "Hi Barbie" and "Hi Ken" over and over to each
other. Way out in the sea, a few Mermaid Barbies emerge:
BARBIE MERMAID
Hi Barbies!
ALL BARBIES AND KENS
Hi Barbie!
(she disappears beneath
the waves)
Bye Barbie!
ALLAN
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
Hi Allan!
And there's Allan in his striped shirt. Everything stops.
HELLEN MIRREN (V.O.)
There are no multiples of Allan.
He's just Allan.
ALLAN
I'm still confused about that?
On shore, Ken Ryan Gosling comes sprinting down the sand.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
HI BARBIE!
BARBIE MARGOT
Hi Ken!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Hey Barbie! Check me out!
Ken Ryan Gosling, who seems to only exist when Barbie is
paying attention to him, runs into the surf, like INTO it,
and flies backward, head over heels, into the air with his
surfboard and...lands HARD.
9.
ALLAN
(Hecuba at Troy)
KEN! NO!
Barbie Margot and her other Barbie friends jump up and
swiftly coordinate a rescue mission, while the other Kens
stand around helplessly. Ken Kingsley protects his ice
creams.
BARBIE MARGOT
(concerned)
Ken?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Oh Hi Barbie... How much of that
did you see?
BARBIE MARGOT
We saw the whole thing!
BARBIE ANA
Let's get you up on your feet.
Barbie Margot and Barbie Ana lift Ken up.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Wow you are so strong!
Meanwhile, Ken Simu laughs derisively:
KEN SIMU
Looks like this beach was a little
too much beach for you, Ken.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
If I wasn't severely injured I'd
beach you off right now, Ken.
KEN SIMU
Oh, I'll beach-off with you any
day, Ken!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
You're on, Ken! Let's beach-off!
KEN KINGSLEY
(on Ken Ryan's side)
Anyone who wants to beach him off
has to beach me off first.
KEN SIMU
I will beach both of you off at the
same time!
10.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(getting upset)
You don't even know how to beach
your SELF off how are you going to
beach all of us off??
KEN SIMU
Why are you getting emotional?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Come on, Kens, nobody is going to
beach anyone off!
Ken Simu backs off as Ken Ryan collapses into Barbie Margot.
An ambulance pulls up, and FOLDS OUT INTO A HOSPITAL ROOM.
Ken Ryan is put on a stretcher and hurried across the beach.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Barbie, stay with me!
EXT. / INT. AMBULANCE / HOSPITAL. MOMENTS LATER.
Barbie Alexandra now in her "Doctor" outfit, tends to a small
scratch, while Barbie Hari, also in her "Doctor" outfit,
looks at the results of some x-rays. Barbie Margot stands by.
BARBIE HARI
Not even broken, you'll be just
fine.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Shredding waves is much more
dangerous than people know.
BARBIE MARGOT
You're very brave, Ken.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Thanks, Barbie. Because you know
actually my job isn't surfer.
BARBIE MARGOT
I know.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
It's not even lifeguard, which is a
common misconception.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA KEN RYAN GOSLING
Very common. Because my job is actually
just, you know, Beach.
11.
BARBIE HARI
And what a good job you do at
Beach.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
You should heal up in no time.
Actually by the time I finished
that sentence, you healed.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Fantastic!
He leaps off the table and does an "action man" pose. Then:
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Hey, Barbie - Can I come over
later?
Barbie Margot and Barbie Alexandra share a look.
BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah, OK. I don't have anything big
planned, just a giant blow-out
party with all the Barbies, with
planned choreography and a bespoke
song. But you can stop by, sure.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(with obvious admiration)
Cool.
EXT. / INT. BARBIE MARGOT'S DREAMHOUSE & STREET. NIGHT.
Barbie Margot has a big block party with all her Barbie
friends, plus Allan and Midge (whom we stay away from!)
DJ BARBIE turns up a song (which is the AMAZING ORIGINAL HIT
SONG FOR THIS MOVIE) and there is a GIANT gorgeous musical
number, starring the Barbies! With Kens as dancing
decoration! It's fun and sweeping and funny and a real toe-
tapper all around.
Ken Simu joins Barbie Margot for part of the dance, stoking
Ken Ryan Gosling's ire, who is held back, in a dancing way,
by Ken Kingsley.
Ken Ryan Gosling jumps up and tries to breakdance badly. Ken
Kingsley joins in for moral support..
KEN SIMU
Hey Barbie! Check me out!
Ken Simu does a flip on the dance floor. Ken Ryan Gosling is
enraged.
12.
Barbie Margot turns and dances with her friends whom she'd
much rather be dancing with anyway. This leaves the Kens all
dancing together, which is just obviously funny.
Shouting over the music and dancing, Barbie Margot and
friends appreciate how terrific everything is:
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
(while dancing)
This is a real rager, Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
(also dancing)
THANKS BARBIE! Gosh this night is
just perfect!
BARBIE SHARON
It's perfectly perfect!
BARBIE EMMA
You look so beautiful Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you Barbie! I FEEL so
beautiful!
BARBIE SHARON
So do I!
BARBIE HARI
This is the best day ever!
Dancing and shouting and so happy it almost hurts:
BARBIE MARGOT
It IS the best day ever! And so is
yesterday and so is tomorrow and so
is the day after tomorrow and even
Wednesdays and every day from now
until FOREVER!
Suddenly, as the flip side of the coin of this thought:
BARBIE MARGOT
(still shouting)
Do you ever think about dying?!
Literal record scratch and everything is quiet. All the
Barbies and Kens look at her. She's broken the movie.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to herself)
I don't know why I just said that?
(MORE)
13.
BARBIE MARGOT (CONT'D)
(to everyone else)
I'm just dying to DANCE!
There is panic in Barbie Margot's eyes as she starts
maniacally dancing, doing about eight different dance moves
from over the decades, starting with the Twist, going through
disco, punk, break dancing, etc.
The music picks back up, and she is relieved, although
troubled by what just happened. She shakes it off, and
continues to party. Maybe there is nothing wrong!
LATER THAT EVENING...
After their fun party, Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling
stand in the moonlight. Ken leans forward for a goodnight
kiss. He gets part of the way there and then pulls back.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(re: the "kiss")
Wow.
BARBIE MARGOT
(smiling sweetly)
You can go now.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I was thinking that maybe I could,
you know, stay over tonight?
BARBIE MARGOT
Why?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
`Cause we're girlfriend boyfriend.
BARBIE MARGOT
To do what?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
To... I'm not actually sure...
BARBIE MARGOT
But I don't want you here.
She's smiling her gorgeous smile. Not mean, just truthful.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(bummed)
Ok.
(pause)
Is it Ken?
14.
BARBIE MARGOT
No, Ken is just a good friend.
(as if it's comforting:)
And after all, this is MY
Dreamhouse. It's Barbie's
Dreamhouse. Not Ken's Dreamhouse.
Right?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(chastened)
Right as always.
BARBIE MARGOT
And: It's girl's night!
We cut to the other side of them to reveal that all of Barbie
Margot's friends are there, watching it all unfold.
BARBIE EMMA (O.S.)
Come on, Barbie, slumber party!
BARBIE HARI
Come on! The president is here!
BARBIE ISSA
I am. You're welcome!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Every night is girl's night.
BARBIE MARGOT
Every night! Forever!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(nodding)
Every night.
BARBIE MARGOT
Forever and ever! Goodnight!
She runs back to her friends. They scream and are THRILLED.
Phew, Ken was a LOT!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(acting out the fantasy)
I love you too. But I can't... I
gotta go.
And then he leaves, thank goodness. She likes Ken, but she
needs her space!
INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE, BEDROOM. NIGHT. LATER.
Barbie Margot tucks herself into bed:
15.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to her Barbie neighbors)
Goodnight Barbies! I'm definitely
not thinking about death any more!
Her eyes fly open - she IS THOUGH.
INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE, BEDROOM. MORNING.
MORNING! Barbie opens her eyes, ready for an amazing day. But
something is off, she can feel it - she feels groggy, her
eyes don't want to open. She stretches, stiff from sleeping.
She makes a face, cups her hands and smells her breath. YUCK!
INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE, BATHROOM. DAY
She brushes her teeth with nothing, but the gesture makes a
difference.
Same shower situation, but suddenly Barbie YELPS and leaps
out of the way of the non-water.
BARBIE
What the--
How was the water that isn't even there COLD?! She adjusts
the knobs and then steps back under the non-water. Better.
KITCHEN
Same breakfast situation, but the plastic waffle is burnt -
how is that even possible? She pours milk into a glass (which
is nothing) and drinks. Spits it out. Looks at the container.
BARBIE
Expired?!
Barbie Margot turns and sees (because remember there are no
walls) another Barbie at her breakfast table, who smiles and
waves. Barbie Margot tries to muscle through it - she's going
to try to smile her way out of this, darn it!
But what is this new feeling? Is it... shame?
EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. DAY
Barbie Margot stands at the edge of the roof, waiting to be
flown into her car, and she leans into the air and...
FALLS. Just belly flops into the air.
She pops up out from behind her car, trying to save face,
waving.
16.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to nobody)
I'm fine! A-ok!
People look at her curiously. What is wrong with her?
EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. DAY
Barbie Margot and Co. all hang out together on the beach.
It's pretty fun, but not perfect fun.
The Barbies play a wicked game of Beach Volleyball while the
Kens cheer (like reverse Top Gun, remember this).
ALLAN
Great cheer, Kens!
Everyone else laughs earnestly but when Barbie Margot tries,
it's forced.
BARBIE MARGOT
(tripping over the laugh)
Ha, ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.Ha.
Something is wrong. Why can't she really laugh?
BARBIE ANA
(calling out)
Come on, Barbie, let's run towards
the water!
Barbie Margot steps up on her tip-toes and wobbles weirdly on
the sand. She can't hold it any longer, her foot cramps and
she topples to the ground. She looks down and discovers that
her feet are - SHOCK! HORROR! - No longer arched!!!
She's just got big ole flat feet. She gasps and tries to
crawl herself to the beach bench. Barbie Alexandra, Barbie
Hari, Barbie Sharon, Barbie Emma and Barbie Ana rush over:
BARBIE SHARON
Hey Barbie, are you OK?
BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah, Barbie, I just fell...
BARBIE HARI BARBIE MARGOT
Fell?! (looking around)
I'm so... embarrassed.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Barbie doesn't get embarrassed!
17.
BARBIE MARGOT
Barbie, I think my - I don't even
have any context for this, but - I
think my feet are - my heels are on
the ground.
BARBIE ANA
WHAT?!
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm no longer on my tip-toes.
BARBIE HARI
Let me see.
(gasp!)
FLAT FEET!!
Barbie Hari throws up nothing. Same with Barbie Alexandra.
Ken Kingsley joins in, throwing up nothing.
BARBIE SHARON
Stop it, Ken.
KEN KINGSLEY
(nauseous)
I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
The Barbies ignore him.
BARBIE MARGOT
(panicking)
I know I'm Stereotypical Barbie,
and therefore don't form
conjectures concerning the
causality of adjacent unfolding
events, but some stuff has been
happening that might be related:
bad breath this morning, a cold
shower, burnt waffle, falling off
my roof...
Barbie Alexandra gasps, hand over mouth.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
You're malfunctioning!
BARBIE MARGOT
What? No, I'm just, am I?
BARBIE EMMA
(horrifyingly drawn in)
I've never seen this kind of
malfunction.
(MORE)
18.
BARBIE EMMA (CONT'D)
It's usually just hair related. You
know - you're going to have to
visit... Weird Barbie.
BARBIE MARGOT
But I've never had to go visit
Weird Barbie.
BARBIE HARI
That's because you've never
malfunctioned.
BARBIE SHARON
I heard that she used to be the
most beautiful Barbie of all but
then someone played too hard with
her in the Real World...
CUT TO: The REAL WORLD with a little girl doing that thing we
all do to our Barbies at some point. She snips off her hair,
colors her face with marker, lights her hair on fire, puts
her in the splits and drop kicks her into her toy bin.
BACK TO: Barbie Margot looking concerned. Barbie Hari is in a
trance of the Legend of Weird Barbie:
BARBIE HARI
...and now she's fated to an
eternity of making other Barbies
perfect while falling more and more
into disrepair herself. And that we
call her Weird Barbie all the time
both behind her back and also to
her face.
(happy again)
Anyway, you have to go see her!
BARBIE MARGOT
Ugh, she's SO Weird. And why is she
always in the splits?
EXT/INT. WEIRD BARBIE'S WEIRDHOUSE. DAY
Barbie Margot climbs the seemingly never-ending stairs up to
the Weirdhouse. It's like an abstract art version of every
girl's Dreamhouse after she's played with it for years. Think
Jeff Koons, Gaudi, Murakami all put in a blender.
BARBIE MARGOT
I would never wear heels if my feet
were shaped this way!
Barbie Margot steps gingerly in, looking around.
19.
BARBIE MARGOT
Um, hello?
Barbie Margot frowns. A dog (Tanner) passes by and poops out
little plastic pellets. Barbie Margot steps around them.
WEIRD BARBIE (O.S.)
(from the dark)
What's cookin' good lookin'?
A pool of light illuminates Weird Barbie - she's in the
splits, has an unintentionally asymmetrical short haircut and
mismatched clothes. She's like David Bowie + a hairless cat.
WEIRD BARBIE
Welcome, welcome to my Weirdhouse.
Weird Barbie hitches her leg down and lopes oddly into a
giant room. Maybe she does a flip or two.
WEIRD BARBIE
(looking at the floor)
Sorry about the dog crap! Why
anyone would want to introduce
pooping into a doll universe is
beyond me.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(with distain)
Or pregnancy.
WEIRD BARBIE
(moving on)
What can I do you for?
BARBIE MARGOT
(taking off her heels)
I had to come see you about -- My
feet -- they're um...
WEIRD BARBIE
(looking)
FLAT! HA!
(with interest)
I've never seen that before...
BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah. Can you fix them?
WEIRD BARBIE
(suspicious)
You're Stereotypical Barbie, aren't
you?
20.
BARBIE MARGOT
Uh, yeah...
WEIRD BARBIE
That Ken of yours is one nice
looking little protein pot.
BARBIE MARGOT
Um, I guess.
WEIRD BARBIE
I'd love to see what kind of nude
blob he's packing under those
jeans.
She claps her open hands together like the way little kids
mash Barbies together. Barbie Margot watches with horror. It
goes on too long and then stops as suddenly as it started:
WEIRD BARBIE
Anyway. What preceded this?
BARBIE MARGOT
Oh, um, nothing. A really fun game
of volleyball...
WEIRD BARBIE
Really?!
BARBIE MARGOT
(mumbles)
Thoughts of death.
Weird Barbie looks at her horrified. Small voice:
BARBIE MARGOT
Is that a problem?
WEIRD BARBIE
(concerned)
Oh.
BARBIE MARGOT
What?
WEIRD BARBIE BARBIE MARGOT
Oh. What?!
WEIRD BARBIE
I'd heard this was possible but
I've never seen it happen before.
BARBIE MARGOT
Never?!
21.
WEIRD BARBIE
You've opened a portal!
BARBIE MARGOT
I didn't open a portal!
WEIRD BARBIE
Well, someone did! There is a rip
in the continuum that is the
membrane between Barbie Land and
the Real World and if you want to
be Stereotypical Barbie perfect
again you've got to go fix it! Or
you're going to keep going funny.
Look at your upper thigh.
She does. Ack! A dimple.
BARBIE MARGOT
What is that?!
WEIRD BARBIE
CELLULITE. It'll spread EVERYWHERE
and you'll start getting mushy and
sad and... complicated.
BARBIE MARGOT
NO!!! What do I have to do?!?
With that, Weird Barbie turns and travels through her house,
up and over all of the strange architecture. Barbie Margot
tries to keep up.
WEIRD BARBIE
You have to go to the Real World
and find the girl who is playing
with you.
BARBIE MARGOT
Playing with me?
Weird Barbie goes through the mess around her, finding a
technical drawing which she refers to briefly and then gets
tired and throws it back on the stack.
WEIRD BARBIE
We're all being played with!
Usually there's some kind of
separation: there's the Girl, aka
the Player, and the Doll, aka the
Playee. And never the twain shall
cross.
22.
BARBIE MARGOT
The twain is crossing?
WEIRD BARBIE
(another drawing)
Yes! The girl playing with you must
be sad and her thoughts and
feelings and humanness are
interfering with your dollness. Am
I being too technical?
BARBIE MARGOT
Why would she be sad? We fixed
everything so that all women in the
real world are happy and powerful!
WEIRD BARBIE
I DON'T KNOW!
(looking at her hard)
If you ask me, you're responsible
for this, too. It usually takes two
to rip the portal.
BARBIE MARGOT
ME?! But I didn't do anything. I've
only ever wanted for things to be
exactly as they are.
WEIRD BARBIE
Well however it happened, you and
she are becoming inextricably
intertwined. You have to help her
to help yourself.
Weird Barbie holds her hands out: this is a Matrix moment
where Barbie Margot is offered two different versions of
life, i.e. red pill and blue pill, except for Weird Barbie
holds a high-heeled shoe in one hand and a Birkenstock sandal
in the other. Very dramatic, full of meaning and moodiness.
BARBIE MARGOT
(re: Birkenstock)
What is that?!
WEIRD BARBIE
(cryptically)
So what will it be? You can go back
to the way your life was--
(holding the high heel up)
--and not even remember that this
happened, or you can know the truth
about the universe.
(holds up the Birkenstock
and with a woo-woo voice)
(MORE)
23.
WEIRD BARBIE (CONT'D)
The question is planted in your
mind. The choice is yours.
Breaking the "mysterious" spell, Barbie Margot answers
instantly and with too much chipper energy:
BARBIE MARGOT
The first one. The high heel.
WEIRD BARBIE
(annoyed)
No. We'll do a redo. You're
supposed to want to know!
BARBIE MARGOT
(cheerfully)
I don't.
WEIRD BARBIE
Babe, listen. You have to want to
know.
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm not Adventure Barbie, I'm
Stereotypical Barbie. I'm like the
Barbie you think of when someone
says "think of a Barbie" and that's
me!
WEIRD BARBIE
That is so sad.
BARBIE MARGOT
(closes her eyes, happily)
Okay, I'm ready to forget now.
WEIRD BARBIE
NO!
BARBIE MARGOT
(opening her eyes)
Why?
WEIRD BARBIE
You're doing this anyway.
I just gave you a choice so you
could feel like you're in control!
BARBIE MARGOT
So there is no first option?
24.
WEIRD BARBIE
NO! You have to go fix the rip
yourself. Don't blame me, blame
Mattel, they make the rules.
BARBIE MARGOT
Ugh, I don't want to go.
WEIRD BARBIE
Fine, get cellulite, I don't care.
Weird Barbie turns away. On Barbie Margot. She summons all
her bravery. She wants to meet the moment.
BARBIE MARGOT
(steels herself)
Send me through the portal.
Weird Barbie laughs, and then opens a toy-manual.
WEIRD BARBIE
Oh, no, there's no portal to the
other world. That's just a figure
of speech.
We see the different vehicles as she rattles off:
WEIRD BARBIE
It's a sports car to a speed boat
to a rocket ship to a tandem bike
to a camper van--FUN--to a
snowmobile--BRR--which will take
you most of the way to the state of
Los Angeles where you'll don neon
and rollerblades and enter the
country of California. Weird, I
know. Best if you don't think about
it too much.
Weird Barbie takes a swig from a flask with nothing in it (of
course), presentation done. After all the energy she now
seems tired of this whole business, and hurries Barbie Margot
out.
BARBIE MARGOT
When I'm there, how do I find this
girl?
WEIRD BARBIE
You will know.
BARBIE MARGOT
And how will I get back?
25.
WEIRD BARBIE
Same way you came, in reverse.
BARBIE MARGOT
Like I should go forward but do the
order backward or move backward and
do the order backward or...?
WEIRD BARBIE
(voice of Zuul)
REVERSE EVERYTHING.
BARBIE MARGOT
K.
WEIRD BARBIE
If you don't find her and fix
things, what's ugly will become
uglier, what's weird will become
weirder.
Barbie Margot screams.
WEIRD BARBIE
And then you will look like me.
Barbie Margot screams again.
WEIRD BARBIE
Gee, thanks. I understand. I set
myself up for that. Anyway, I
believe in you.
BARBIE MARGOT
(flustered)
Thank you... bye!
EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE/CUL-DE-SAC. MORNING
Barbie Margot's having a send off party with all of the
Barbies - there is a big banner that reads:
"Bon Voyage to Reality and Good Luck Restoring The Membrane
That Separates Our World From Theirs So You Don't Get
Cellulite!"
The Kens all stand to the side, a bit like men at a baby
shower. There, but not. Ken Ryan Gosling and Ken Simu do a
jealous mingle.
KEN SIMU
I guess she's going without you.
26.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(clearly lying)
No, she literally asked me, but I
preferred to stay here.
KEN SIMU
(provoking)
Why? Are you scared?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No!
KEN SIMU
I'll bet you're scared and I bet
she doesn't even want you to go.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
You bet both of those things
incorrectly! I bet the other
direction!
KEN SIMU
Which way is that? You don't even
know.
Barbie gathers around her car with her friends.
BARBIE MARGOT
I just don't want to leave! I'm
Trying to find reasons not to
leave!! I'm going to miss you guys
so much. I just wish someone could
come with me... but you can't. I
should do this alone.
Back to the Kens. The other group of Kens are playing a very
mysterious game which appears to be mostly guessing:
KEN KINGSLEY
What bird am I thinking of?
KEN NCUTI
Parrot.
KEN SCOTT
Dolphin. I mean, no, a bird.
KEN KINGSLEY
(pleased)
PELICAN.
Back to the Barbies: all the Barbies finish bringing her
stuff to the car.
27.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
We'll miss you Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm going to be back in no time
with perfect feet and we'll forget
that this ever happened.
BARBIE EMMA
And you'll get to see all the good
work we've done to fix the world.
BARBIE ANA
You'll be such a hero to them!
BARBIE SHARON
All those grateful, powerful women
who owe their wonderful lives to
Barbie.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
I bet every woman will say thank
you and give you a really big hug!
BARBIE MARGOT
(deep breath)
Yes! You're right! OK, here I go!
Bye!
BARBIE MERMAID
(bursting out of the pool)
Bye Barbie! Good luck in reality!
Barbie Margot hops in her convertible, waving and driving off
into the sunset.
INT. CONVERTIBLE/EXT. BARBIE LAND OPEN ROAD. MORNING
Barbie Margot drives and sings along SUPER LOUD to Indigo
Girls "Closer to Fine," which for some reason they have in
Barbie Land. She's loving this adventure, actually!
BARBIE MARGOT
"I went to the doctor / I went to
the mountains / I looked to the
children / I drank from the
fountains... AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ken Ryan Gosling pops up in the backseat singing and Barbie
Margot screams her head off and he screams at her screaming.
They skid off the road, flipping over a few times and then
landing upright in the desert.
28.
RADIO
(Indigo Girls still
singing)
"Closer I am to Fine..."
Still hysterical:
BARBIE MARGOT
What are you doing here?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I'm coming with you!
BARBIE MARGOT
Please get out!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No! I can't! I have a double bet
with Ken, please, you can't make me
look uncool in front of Ken!
BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken's not cool! HE IS TO ME!
BARBIE MARGOT
You're just going to slow me down!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
What if there's Beach? You'll need
someone who is a professional in
that!
BARBIE MARGOT
(relenting)
Did you bring your roller blades?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(holding them up, smiling)
I literally go nowhere without
them.
She thinks, and then relents.
BARBIE MARGOT
OK, let's do this.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(so excited)
Can I sit in front?
BARBIE MARGOT
NO!
29.
He accepts this, and they're OFF! Dramatic music as they go
through all the different kinds of transportation.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
So Barbie and Ken set off on their
adventure to the Real World!
EXT. TRANSPORTATION
Sports Car - back in their car and on the ROAD! Into...
Speed Boat - Barbie drives the speedboat while Ken hides from
a seagull.
Rocket Ship - Barbie and Ken wear space suits and ride a
rocket, which makes zero sense.
Tandem Bike - through the prairie OR the French Alps? Barbie
on the front of the bike, Ken behind.
Camper Van - In a National Park they screech to a stop, jump
off their bikes, and set up a little grill. Ken flips a
burger while Barbie chills out in a lawn chair, reading a
tabloid.
Snowmobile - BACK TO THE ACTION! - Ken hangs on to Barbie for
dear life as she catches air over slaloms.
EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK
Rollerblades - Finally they are in the sunny state of
California, in the town of LA, on the boardwalk of Venice
Beach - wearing rollerblades.
Barbie Margot wears a bikini and Ken wears a onesie. They're
openly getting a lot of looks. Just the two of them in REAL
Los Angeles is genuinely strange and hilarious. They appear
as extremely good-looking aliens.
BARBIE MARGOT
Wow! The Real World!
Ken smiles and waves loving all of this, but Barbie Margot
looks confused bordering on anxious.
Note: this is more real than Barbie Land but still
heightened, like a 1980s comedy - slightly exaggerated. Like
there is no way Ferris Bueller sang the Beatles at that
German parade, but we allow it because it's fun. Same here.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
See, I told you there'd be Beach!
30.
BEACH DUDE
(hollering at her)
Give us a smile, blondie.
People are laughing and pointing and amused and also leering.
BARBIE MARGOT
What's going on, why are all these
men looking at me?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
They're also looking at ME!
Ken winks at someone who winks back.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I LOVE THIS!
BARBIE MARGOT
(looking worried)
I feel kind of ill-at-ease, I don't
even know the word for it... Like
I'm conscious of it but it's my
self I'm conscious of--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(happy as a clam)
I'm not getting any of that. I feel
appreciated but not ogled. Mine has
no undertone of violence.
BARBIE MARGOT
Mine very much has an undertone of
violence.
Up ahead is a construction site, workers on break for lunch.
BARBIE MARGOT
Oh, great! A construction site! We
need that good feminine energy.
But as they get closer, it's not what she thought.
Construction workers eat sandwiches and cat-call Barbie.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1 CONSTRUCTION WORKER 3
Do fries come with that Have I died and gone to
shake? heaven because you're an
angel.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER 2 CONSTRUCTION WORKER 4
If I said you had a hot body, Is that a mirror in your
would you hold it against me? pocket? `Cause I can see
myself in your pants!
31.
BARBIE MARGOT
I don't know exactly what you meant
by all those little quips, but I'm
picking up on some sort of entendre
which appears to be double, and I
would just like to inform you that
I don't have a vagina and he--
(pointing at Ken)
--doesn't have a penis. We don't
have genitals
The Construction Workers look at them blankly and then shrug,
unbothered. This is Los Angeles after all, live and let live!
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
Far out!... That's okay... Whatever
works... you do you...
They're actually very sweet guys. She blades away as Ken Ryan
Gosling tries to impress the construction workers.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I have all the genitals.
He catches up to Barbie Margot.
BARBIE MARGOT
Jeez, you would think a
construction site at lunchtime
would be the perfect place for a
little woman-power. But this one
was so... male.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(a little excited)
Yeah everything is almost, like,
reversed, here.
There's a slight moment here. Like maybe he's ON to
something... But they're distracted as they pass a large
billboard advertising The Miss Universe Contest:
BARBIE MARGOT
Look, the Supreme Court!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
They're so smart!
Another Beach dude passes by and slaps Barbie Margot on the
ass. Barbie Margot punches him in the face. Ken screams.
INT. VENICE CENTRAL BOOKING. DAY
Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling's mug shots.
32.
Then they are being finger printed. Over and over again
because the cops can't find any prints. The cops drool over
Barbie Margot:
POLICEMAN
I love me a leotard.
POLICEMAN #2
I love the elbow pads.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to Ken)
I think we should get some
different clothes.
EXT. VENICE BEACH STOREFRONT. DAY.
Ken Ryan Gosling exits wearing all denim with fringe and a
cowboy hat, followed by Barbie Margot, who wears a pink
cowgirl outfit. ALL the security lights and bells go, but
they are oblivious.
BARBIE MARGOT
We look great!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(admiring his reflection)
I LOVE FRINGE!
BARBIE MARGOT
I love denim!
A Security Guard rushes after them, panicked.
SECURITY GUARD
Hey! You two! What are you doing?!
You have to pay for those!
They give chase!
INT. VENICE CENTRAL BOOKING. AGAIN. DAY
Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan, getting finger printed. The male
cops are still leering.
POLICE MAN #2
She's even sexier in clothes.
POLICE MAN
I know, because you can imagine
more.
POLICE MAN #2
You know what? Keep `em!
33.
BARBIE MARGOT
Goddammit!
EXT. POLICE STATION. DAY
Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling emerge into the midday LA
sun, wearing their stolen/gifted clothes.
BARBIE MARGOT
Weird Barbie said I'd know how to
find this girl, but I have NO IDEA.
(takes a deep breath)
What would a smart Barbie do? I
just need to clear my mind so I can
think.
Barbie sits down on a bench, almost like she's meditating.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(annoyed)
I hate it when people think. I'm so
bored!
BARBIE MARGOT
The faster I figure this out, the
faster we get home.
She closes her eyes. Ken Ryan Gosling gets all antsy like a
kid, unable to sit still.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(lost without her)
What am I supposed to do?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Go for a walk or something!
He makes faces, then goes for a walk.
BARBIE MARGOT
(eyes still closed)
Don't go far!
EXT. CENTURY CITY. DAY.
Ken Ryan Gosling walks under a sign for: CENTURY CITY. He
looks up: A tall building looms over him and he starts
putting together the world a little bit. He sees:
- A gym, full of men.
- A man in a mink.
- A policeman on a horse.
34.
- A Hummer, stuffed to the brim with businessmen.
- Generic men in business suits shaking hands having generic
business conversations.
BUSINESSMEN
Great deal. Great deal. We're all
going to make a lot of money.
A female secretary tries to come up and tell her boss
something, he holds up his hand to stop her:
BUSINESSMEN
In a second, Margaret.
(to his associates)
Shall we all shake on it?
She backs away, submissive, as they all shake madly. Ken Ryan
cannot believe what he's seeing. Are they more powerful than
she is?? How is this possible?
Ken Ryan Gosling rides an escalator up to a giant video
screen, playing images of Big Man Stuff:
- Money, Presidents, Golf videos, mini-fridges, a bunch of
dudes working out at the gym. Men in sports, men as statues,
men in paintings, important men in photographs, the Greased
Lightening scene from Grease, all culminating in Sylvester
Stallone in a mink coat.
- MEN EVERYWHERE and then just another horse and then MORE
MEN EVERYWHERE!
EXT. POLICE STATION. DAY
Barbie Margot still sitting on the bench, breathes in and
out, and sees:
Glimpses of A Girl, maybe a pigtail, some chipped nail
polish. She's "Shining" or something like that. But without
the horror!
- The Girl laughing with her Mom, eating ice cream.
- The Girl opening the door saying "Mom, I had a bad dream."
- The Girl playing Barbies with her Mom - her Mom shows her a
Barbie idea sketch and the girl applauds.
- The Girl is getting older, moving away when her Mom tries
to show affection.
- The Girl plops a box of her Barbies and Barbie accessories
in front of her Mom, clearly marked "Goodwill."
35.
- The Mom sadly drops her daughter off at school, and when
she tries to wave at her, the Girl pretends not to see her.
It's junior high. Everyone is their worst self in junior
high.
CLOSE on Barbie Margot, a tear rolls down her face.
Barbie opens her eyes. She wipes the tear from her face. She
looks down at the moisture in her hand. She's never cried
before.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to herself)
That felt achy... but good.
Barbie Margot looks around - across the street she sees a
park, filled with mundane and beautiful and funny and sad
moments of every day life.
- A young couple with a baby.
- Kids playing tag.
- A teen girl crying and being comforted by another girl.
- Best friends laughing together.
- A middle aged couple walking hand in hand.
- Three friends in an argument.
- An old man feeds the birds.
- Someone reading a book.
- A man with a child.
- Guys kicking a ball around.
- 20-somethings arguing.
- A young man who looks like he's been crying.
Next to her an Older Woman sits on a bench, reading. Barbie
studies her for a moment.
Barbies don't get old, so this is something she doesn't have
experience with. The woman, as if she can feel Barbie's gaze
on her, looks up. They meet eyes. The Older Woman nods in
greeting.
BARBIE MARGOT
You're so beautiful.
36.
OLDER WOMAN
(cheeky)
I know it.
They laugh, it's lovely.
Ken runs up to her, breaking the moment.
KEN RYAN GOSLING (O.S.)
BARBIE!
She turns to him, and he and Barbie excitedly say:
KEN RYAN GOSLING BARBIE MARGOT
I've got it! I've got it!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
What have you got?
BARBIE MARGOT
You go first.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No you!
BARBIE MARGOT
Let's go at the same time.
KEN RYAN GOSLING BARBIE MARGOT
Men rule the world! She's at school!
BARBIE MARGOT
What was that?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
The girl is at school!
BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING
But what did you ? -- -- Nothing, doesn't matter,
let's go to the SCHOOL!
They both run off together, and Barbie sneaks a glance back,
but the old woman is back to reading her newspaper, the
moment has passed.
EXT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. DAY.
An imposing, many floored building. Masculine. STRONG.
A phone is ringing from somewhere. We BOOM DOWN from the top
floor ALL THE WAY DOWN --
37.
INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS LOWEST FLOOR. DAY.
An endless forest of cubicles.
MATTEL EMPLOYEE
Hello?
Split screen with:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS. DAY.
Men in those aviators for no reason, pictures on cork boards.
DAN AT THE FBI
This is Dan at the FBI.
MATTEL EMPLOYEE
This is Aaron at Mattel.
DAN AT THE FBI
I don't give a flying squirrel who
you are Aaron! What are you, like
an intern?
AARON DINKINS DAN AT THE FBI
I mean, not really an-- Two of your dolls have gotten
loose!
AARON DINKINS
Impossible. How do you know?
DAN AT THE FBI
Don't sass me Aaron! Couple of
blondes answering to Barbie and Ken
rollerblading in Santa Monica.
Claim to have no genitals.
AARON DINKINS
Genital-less?
DAN AT THE FBI
We're going to need Mattel's help
landing the eagle. Don't crap the
bed, Aaron!
AARON DINKINS
(concerned)
I won't.
Sweating bullets, he hangs up the phone.
AARON DINKINS
This is bad. This is really bad.
38.
Another younger employee peers over the top of his cubicle:
YOUNGER MATTEL EMPLOYEE
What?!
AARON DINKINS
This happened once before.
Popping up from ANOTHER cubicle, three cubicles away:
AN EVEN YOUNGER MATTEL EMPLOYEE
What?! When?!
AARON DINKINS
About ten years ago a woman named
Skipper turned up in Key West at
some family's home and asked to
babysit the kids... She then tried
to take their toddler surfing. We
were able to straighten it out and
keep it under wraps.
(grave)
But this is serious.
AARON DINKINS
I'm going all the way up.
YOUNGER MATTEL EMPLOYEE
No one goes all the way up! You may
never come back!
AARON DINKINS
I know.
INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. ELEVATOR.
He takes a deep breath and steps into the elevator. Floors
tick by 99, 100, 101. Walks briskly down a huge hallway.
INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. BOARDROOM RECEPTION.
CLOSE on some sketches of Barbie. But these Barbies look
distressed, mascara running down her cheeks from crying. She
wears the identical clothes to Barbie Margot.
A woman, Gloria, sits at a reception desk. She's in her late
30s, but has something of the kid in her, a pair of pink
shoes? We love her! She is drawing the sketch.
Gloria has an old Barbie on her desk which resembles Barbie
Margot. And next to that a photo of her daughter. She's
singing "Closer to Fine" to herself.
39.
Aaron stops at the desk. Gloria is so lost in her drawing she
doesn't see him. He clears his throat.
AARON DINKINS
Um... Gloria.
He snaps his fingers. She shakes her head and looks at him.
GLORIA
Oh, hi, Aaron.
AARON DINKINS
(re: her sketch)
New designs?
GLORIA
Yeah, for some reason I just
started drawing her. I don't know
why.
She hands them to him.
GLORIA
It's Crippling Shame Barbie,
Irrepressible Thoughts of Death
Barbie, Full Body Cellulite Barbie.
AARON DINKINS
Yeah, OK.
(getting to the point)
I have to talk to the top brass.
RECEPTIONIST/GLORIA
They're in a big corporate ideas
sesh. No one is to be admitted--
But Aaron is walking toward the door.
RECEPTIONIST/GLORIA
(stage whisper)
AARON stop it!...
INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. BOARDROOM
He opens a door to a giant PINK GLITTERY board room. It's
like the inside of a 5 year old girl's sparkly heart.
MATTEL CEO
(true believer)
Always be empowering girls! Always!
What do we really sell? We sell
dreams! Imagination! And sparkle!
When you think of sparkle, what do
you think after that?
40.
He doesn't wait for an answer, already so pumped to say:
MATTEL CEO
Female agency.
AARON DINKINS
Um... excuse me...
A table of men turns around all at once. They're all wearing
suits but it somehow feels like tuxedos.
MATTEL CEO
Who are you?
AARON DINKINS
Aaron Dinkins, sir.
MATTEL CEO
We're in the middle of a major sit-
down here, Aaron Dinkins.
AARON DINKINS
But, I think you're going to want
to hear this, sir.
MATTEL CEO
Can you just email it? And you can
send it to me EOD
(proud)
End of day.
AARON DINKINS
May I put it in a whisper, sir?
MATTEL CEO
Ugh, fine, whisper me.
Aaron Dinkins leans in and whispers something to the Mattel
Executive #1. He's ashen. He turns and whispers to the man
next to him and each man in turn reacts and whispers to the
man next to him. Finally, the CEO listens with shock:
MATTEL CEO
My god it's a repeat of Skipper in
Key West.
AARON DINKINS
And with all due respect, that was
Skipper, sir. This is...
(dramatically)
Barbie.
They all react. The Mattel CEO stands up, dramatically.
41.
MATTEL CEO
If this got out, that our dolls
were coming to Los Angeles from
Barbie Land as life-size versions
of themselves and roaming the earth
it would be very bad...
(lame finish)
... for business.
CUT TO: Gloria listens outside the conference room doors. She
shakes her head, doing some insane calculation.
GLORIA
(to herself)
Barbie? In the real world?
(thinks)
No, that's impossible.
(thinks again)
Right?
We CUT BACK inside the BOARD ROOM:
MATTEL EXECUTIVE #2
We've got a definite situation on
our hands.
MATTEL CEO
Catastrophic! I can't stress that
enough! What's your name again?
AARON DINKINS
Uh, Aaron Dinkins Sir
MATTEL CEO
Aaron Dickinson?
AARON DINKINS
Dinkins. Um, is Barbie Land like an
alternate reality or like our
imaginations come to life or...?
ALL OF THE EXECUTIVES
Yes.
MATTEL CEO
Think of it as a town in Sweden,
Aaron Dinkins.
(sizing him up)
How much do you weigh? Never mind.
This sounds like a job for the box.
ALL OF THE EXECUTIVES
Yes sir.
42.
MATTEL CEO
No one rests until this doll is
back in a box!
EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. AFTERNOON
Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling approach the school.
Barbie Margot sticks out even more here, as the kids are all
wearing dark colors trying not to be noticed. You know,
Junior High School.
BARBIE MARGOT
(looking up at the sign)
Look! Davey Crocket Junior High
School! Just like I saw in my
vision.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
A man on a horse!
BARBIE MARGOT
We better find her soon, I've
started to get all these weirdo
FEELINGS. Ugh. Like I have fear
with no specific object, what's
that?
MOM
(passing by)
Anxiety. I have it too.
(re: the kids)
They're just awful at this age.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I feel amazing.
MOM
That's because kids don't take it
out on Dads.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Cool!
Kids are running everywhere. Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan
Gosling try to not look sketchy.
BARBIE MARGOT
She's got to be here somewhere.
They pass the library and Ken says, kind of suspiciously:
43.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Hey, I'm just going to pop into to
the library and see if I can find
any books on trucks...
BARBIE MARGOT
Okay, but don't get in trouble!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I won't!
EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. CAFETERIA
Barbie scans all the different girls' faces and then BAM -
like Roy Scheider in "JAWS" seeing that kid getting eaten -
she sees her Girl, the one from her vision!
Her Girl is sitting in a VERY prominent table with a group of
other pretty 13 year old girls. She's clearly popular. They
all have Hydroflasks, big t-shirts, scrunchies, Mario Badescu
Or whatever kids are into after this pandemic!
She begins to walk towards the girl but is interrupted by:
OTHER GIRL
What are you doing?
Indicating the one she thinks is HER girl:
BARBIE MARGOT
What's that girl's name?
OTHER GIRL
(reverence)
That's Sasha.
BARBIE MARGOT
(calling out)
Hey Sasha!
OTHER GIRL
(panicking)
NO DON'T TALK TO HER! Sasha can
talk to you but you can never talk
to Sasha. She'll crush you.
BARBIE MARGOT
Don't worry - everyone likes me and
thinks I'm cool and pretty.
OTHER GIRL
(staring at her)
Huh.
44.
BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you!
And then she goes up to talk to Sasha, and all these 13-year-
old queen bees turn to look at her. NOTE: this is the
opposite of what Barbie (and we!) think will happen.
BARBIE MARGOT
Hey ladies! Sasha, what's up?
Sasha and her friends stare at Barbie Margot, stunned:
SASHA
(if looks could kill...)
Who are you?
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm only your favorite woman of all
time - Barbie!
SASHA
You really think you're Barbie?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Well yeah!
They burst out with lots of mean laughter, unable to stop.
POPULAR GIRL #1 POPULAR GIRL #2
Omg she's crazy. Do you think she's escaped
from an insane asylum?
POPULAR GIRL #3 POPULAR GIRL #2
So do you think you're like Tell us more about how you
pretty? think you're Barbie.
SASHA
Okay, so you're like BARBIE Barbie.
Like a professional bimbo?
BARBIE MARGOT
No way! Barbie's not a bimbo!
Barbie's a lawyer. And a doctor.
And a senator. And a Nobel Prize
winner.
POPULAR GIRL #1
You're a Nobel Prize winner?
BARBIE MARGOT
(slightly defensive)
Well, not me. But Barbie is.
They all laugh in her face, again. Barbie is confused:
45.
BARBIE MARGOT
Don't you guys - I mean aren't you
guys going to thank me and give me
a big hug? For being your FAVORITE
toy?
SASHA
We haven't played with Barbies
since we were like 5 years old.
POPULAR GIRL #2
Yeah. I hated dolls with hair.
POPULAR GIRL #1
I played with Barbie but it was the
last resort.
POPULAR GIRL #3
I loved Barbie...
They give that girl a look.
SASHA
Anyways. Even then it was horrible
for us.
BARBIE MARGOT
Horrible? Why?
Her friends egg her on, they know that Sasha can totally
flatten someone.
POPULAR GIRL #2 POPULAR GIRL #1
Come, on Sasha. Give it to her.
POPULAR GIRL #3
Destroy Barbie.
SASHA
Ok, Barbie, let's do this.
Sasha's verbal jabs are like a boxer relentlessly landing
punches in a ring, maybe we even shoot it like Raging Bull.
She is clearly so smart and so articulate that you can't help
but admire her.
SASHA
You've been making women feel bad
about themselves since you were
invented.
BARBIE MARGOT
No, I think you have that the wrong
way around.
46.
SASHA
You represent everything wrong with
our culture: sexualized capitalism,
unrealistic physical ideals.
BARBIE MARGOT
Whoa hang on you're describing
something stereotypical. Barbie is
so much more than that.
SASHA
Look at yourself!
BARBIE MARGOT
(she has a point)
Well, I am, actually, Stereotypical
Barbie.
SASHA
You set the feminist movement back
fifty years, you destroy girls'
innate sense of worth and you're
killing the planet with your
glorification of rampant
consumerism.
BARBIE MARGOT
But, but I'm supposed to help you
and make you happy and powerful -
SASHA
- I am powerful and until you
showed up here and declared
yourself "Barbie", I hadn't thought
about you in years, you FASCIST.
Barbie bursts into tears and runs away. The Other Girl
watches Barbie run, and just shakes her head.
THE OTHER GIRL
They never listen.
We stay with Sasha for a moment, who suddenly feels bad.
Under all the bravado is a lot of feeling.
EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
MEANWHILE: Ken runs out of the school library with a bunch of
books in his arms - Men & Wars, The Origins of the
Patriarchy, Why Men Rule (Literally) and just one called
Horses. His mind is blown.
A Female Pedestrian stops and asks, casually:
47.
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
Excuse me, sir, do you have the
time?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(stunned)
You respect me!
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
Um, do you know what time it is?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No, I do not!
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
Thank you?
Ken feels like he was just declared king.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Why didn't Barbie tell me about
Patriarchy? Which, according to my
understanding, is where men and
horses run everything!
(inspired)
I shall seek my fortune there!
QUICK IMPOSSIBLE MONTAGE:
INT. OFFICE BUILDING
Ken Ryan Gosling addresses a businessman.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I want a high level, high paying
job with influence.
OFFICE EMPLOYEE
You need at least an MBA and many
of our people have PhDs.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Isn't being a man enough???
OFFICE EMPLOYEE
Actually right now it's the
opposite.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
But that's not what books say! You
guys certainly aren't doing
patriarchy well.
48.
OFFICE EMPLOYEE
(winks at Ken)
Oh, we're doing it well. We just
hide it better now.
INT. DOCTORS OFFICE
We watch Ken also get rejected from a DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
FEMALE DOCTOR
No, I won't let you do "just one
appendectomy!"
KEN RYAN GOSLING
BUT I'M A MAN!
FEMALE DOCTOR
But not a doctor.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Please?!
FEMALE DOCTOR
No.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Can I talk to a doctor?
FEMALE DOCTOR
You are talking to a doctor.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Can you get me a coffee? And I need
a clicky pen and a white coat and a
sharp thing!
(sees a man)
There he is! Doctor!
EXT. VENICE BEACH
And even from a BEACH. A life-guard listens, perplexed.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I would like to apply for the job
of Beach.
LIFE-GUARD
Oh so you want to be a life guard?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Oh I'm not trained to go over
there.
(points to the water)
(MORE)
49.
KEN RYAN GOSLING (CONT'D)
I'm trained to stand confidently
over here.
He points to the sand at his feet.
LIFE-GUARD
But nobody is in danger here.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(proudly)
And even if they were I'm not
trained to save them.
Ken trudges away, rejected by the life-guard.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I can't even do BEACH here!
Clutching his books, he returns to the school.
EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL
Barbie Margot is sitting in the parking lot still fully
weeping from her interaction with Sasha.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to herself, baffled)
She thinks I'm a fascist? I don't
control the railways or the flow of
commerce??
Ken Ryan has arrived back at the school and approaches the
same Female Pedestrian, now with her tween daughter. She's
not thrilled to see him again.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
There you are, that went terrible.
I need a place where I can start
patriarchy fresh.
Barbie Margot is approached by bunch of CIA or FBI-looking
types - dark suits, mirrored sunglasses, earpieces, but
emblazoned with the Mattel Logo.
MATTEL AGENT
Miss Barbie?
BARBIE MARGOT
(sniffling)
It's just Barbie.
MATTEL AGENT
You're going to have to come with
us.
50.
Ken watches from a distance. He freezes.
BARBIE MARGOT
Who are you?
MATTEL AGENT
We're Mattel.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(to himself)
Mattel!
BARBIE MARGOT
OH THANK GOODNESS! I've got to talk
to someone in charge. It's all
backwards here. Men look at me like
I'm an object, girls hate me,
everyone thinks I'm crazy and I
keep getting arrested.
MATTEL AGENT
Just step this way, ma'am.
BARBIE MARGOT
I also just learned how to cry!
First I got one tear and then I got
a bunch...
She keeps talking as Ken has a little conversation with the
Female Pedestrian.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
What do I do? Should I go after
Barbie into that scary unmarked
black truck car?
(to himself)
A truck car I would like to have
actually...
(back to the pedestrian)
Nah, she'll be fine, it's Mattel!
(excited)
I know! I'll go back to Barbie
Land. Wait until I tell the Kens
what I've learned! Oh it's going to
be beautiful!
(sotto)
Back to Barbie Land!
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
(walking away)
Let's go... that way.
Ken hurries off... And Sasha gets into her Mom's car. It's
Gloria, the receptionist from Mattel! Now we get it!
51.
GLORIA
Hi Honey Bear!
SASHA
MOM! Don't call me that!
GLORIA
Shoot, sorry! I got off early
because of a crisis at work. I
thought we could go get soft serve
this afternoon!
Gloria and Sasha see Barbie Margot getting into the van:
SASHA
(unleashes the teen)
Thank god they arrested that nut
job!
(checking herself)
I mean: that reality-challenged
woman. She thinks she's Barbie--
GLORIA
(can't believe it)
Wait, what did you say?
CLOSE on Gloria's face - WHAT?! It's 1/2 of the "love look":
she recognizes her. But although Gloria can see Barbie
Margot, Barbie Margot can't see Gloria.
... as one of the Mattel employees shuts the doors on
Barbie's friendly face, and looks around all secret-agent-
like as he gets into the passenger seat and they drive off.
EXT./INT. BLACK VAN. DAY
As the van zooms down the highway, a chipper Barbie tries to
talk to the men in the car.
BARBIE MARGOT
Of course, Mattel! It was you guys
who wanted me to come to the Real
World! Because it definitely wasn't
that Sasha girl.
No one responds.
EXT. GIANT MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. DAY
The scary black van pulls up, and Barbie steps out looking up
at the giant building.
52.
BARBIE MARGOT
Thanks for the ride! This has been
so much fun.
She is escorted through the big double doors...
BARBIE MARGOT
(in awe)
Wow! The Mothership!
INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. LOBBY
Barbie Margot smiles as she's taken through the lobby and up
a glass elevator and it opens on to the top floor with all
the executives... And she opens the door on So Much Pink.
INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. BOARDROOM.
1/2 EXECUTIVES ALL TOGETHER
Barbie! We're so happy to see you!
THE OTHER HALF ALL TOGETHER
Can we get you anything? Mineral
water?
BARBIE MARGOT
Yes, thank you.
She's handed a glass of mineral water which she turns and
pours all over her open mouth and down her shirt. The lime
wedge sticking to her cheek. They all stare at her.
BARBIE MARGOT
(inspecting the glass)
I'm not used to that having
anything in it.
The executives part, revealing our CEO, arms outstretched.
MATTEL CEO
We've been REALLY anxious to get
some quality face time with you...
BARBIE MARGOT
Of COURSE! So what can I do to
repair the rift in the space time
continuum portal and get my feet
back and that one cellulite gone?
And generally just not turn into
Weird Barbie.
They all look at her blankly.
53.
MATTEL CEO
We have been discussing that very
topic. If you are agreeable to it,
we would love it if you could
just... get into this giant box.
A human-size Barbie box is wheeled out. It has the logo and
plastic restraining straps and everything.
MATTEL CEO
If you get in that box, you'll go
back to Barbie Land, and everything
will be as it was.
Barbie thinks for a minute. The executives all impatiently
lean forward. It's taking everything for them not to just
capture her and put her in the box themselves.
BARBIE MARGOT
(finally)
You know what. We should probably
get Ken first.
MATTEL CEO
Ken?
BARBIE MARGOT
You know... Ken.
MATTEL CEO
Oh Ken! The guy. Oh right!
WE CUT BACK TO: Ken just screaming his lungs out on the
rocket going back the other direction.
BACK TO MATTEL:
MATTEL CEO
... yeah, Ken isn't something we're
worried about... ever.
BARBIE MARGOT
OK. I'll get in the box.
EXECUTIVES ALL TOGETHER
(relieved)
Oh, wonderful!
BARBIE MARGOT
But since I came all the way here
could I meet the woman in charge?
Your CEO?
They all hesitate. The male Mattel CEO raises his hand.
54.
MATTEL CEO
Um, that would be me.
BARBIE MARGOT
Well what about the CFO?
But it's another man.
EXECUTIVE #3
Er, me.
BARBIE MARGOT
The COO?
Man.
EXECUTIVE #2
Me here.
BARBIE MARGOT
Goodness gracious, what about --
President of the Barbie division.
It's another man.
EXECUTIVE #1 AARON DINKINS
Present. Um, I'm a man with no power,
does that make me a woman?
BARBIE MARGOT
ARE THERE ANY WOMEN IN CHARGE?!
MATTEL CEO
(emotional)
Listen, I know where you're going
with this, and I have to say I
really resent it because we are a
company literally MADE of women.
There was a woman CEO in the 90's
and another one at some other time.
Women are the freaking foundation
of this long phallic building! We
have gender neutral bathrooms up
the wazoo! Every single one of
these men you see before you loves
women.
EXECUTIVES IN UNISON
Up the wazoo!
55.
MATTEL CEO
I am the son of a mother, I am the
mother of a son, I am the nephew of
a woman aunt, some of my best
friends are Jewish... what I'm
trying to say is GET IN THE BOX YOU
JEZEBEL!
Everyone gasps!
MATTEL CEO
What?! I can't say JEZEBEL now?!
Barbie Margot seems unfazed, looks at the box.
BARBIE MARGOT
I haven't been in a box in ages.
One executive steps into the box and then jumps back out.
MATTEL CEO
See it's easy.
BARBIE MARGOT
OK.
She slowly steps into the box.
BARBIE MARGOT
I totally remember this smell! I'm
having a real Proustian flashback.
EXECUTIVES ALL TOGETHER
Haha, Proust!
MATTEL CEO
(to his neighbor)
Remember Proust Barbie? That did
not sell well.
The employees surround the box somewhat menacingly. A Mattel
Employee grabs the plastic ties from the holes in the back of
the box and pulls.
Barbie Margot feels the restraints tighten on her wrist. She
hesitates, it sinking in. She pulls her wrist out quickly
just as the plastic cinches. Then she jumps out of the box.
BARBIE MARGOT
You know what? Before I get in the
box, can I just make sure my hair
is perfect?
56.
MATTEL CEO
It really is time to get in the
box!
BARBIE MARGOT
But I want to look factory
beautiful.
MATTEL CEO
OK, but let's hurry it up.
She backs over toward the bathroom and then zigs toward the
double doors of the conference room. Then she BOLTS!
MATTEL CEO
Get that Barbie!
INT. MATTEL CUBICLES. CONTINUOUS.
A BIG CHASE through the main bullpen offices of Mattel. The
CEO and all the executives hurry after her. It's like a giant
maze. Barbie Margot darts around the cubicles as employees
work, people pass from cubicle to cubicle popping up and
looking around, trying to spot her.
MATTEL CEO
(to the troops)
It's quicker if you go OVER the
cubicles!
The CEO tries to scramble/climb badly over the TOP of a
cubicle and topples into an employee and a computer console.
Barbie sprints toward giant double doors on the other side of
the room. The Mattel Executives in hot pursuit. She hurries
through the doors and shoves a broom through the handles to
hold them off.
Barbie enters a big hallway with lots of doors, she tries
every one, but they're all locked. Trapped! Panicked! She
hears the executives getting closer. Then one door opens...
INT. MAGICAL ROOM FROM THE 1950S. ETERNITY
She enters the room and shuts the door behind her.
A VOICE (O.S.)
Oh, hello, come in.
Barbie Margot sees a woman, dressed like a mom in the 1950's.
The room we see resembles a 1950's kitchen. She's working on
something - her sewing machine is out, and there are scraps
of paper and cloth all over the kitchen table.
57.
1950 WOMAN
Don't worry, you're safe here.
BARBIE MARGOT
(looking around)
What is this place?
1950 WOMAN
(laughing at herself)
I always find that I think best at
kitchen tables. Tea?
BARBIE MARGOT
Yes, please.
The woman hands her the cup, which Barbie Margot brings to
her lips then hesitates. A little dribbles down her chin but
she is able to drink it too. She smiles, proud of herself.
She feels strangely comfortable here.
BARBIE MARGOT
So, a woman does work here.
1950 WOMAN
Oh, sweetie, we do more than work
here.
BARBIE MARGOT
(comfortable)
The real world isn't what I thought
it was.
1950 WOMAN
(smiling)
It never is. And isn't that
marvelous?
There is a moment that passes between them. Barbie Margot
feels the woman's gaze.
BARBIE MARGOT
What? Is it that I don't know how
to drink tea?
1950 WOMAN
No. You look different.
BARBIE MARGOT
(embarrassed)
I'm not what I used to be. I used
to be perfect.
58.
1950 WOMAN
I don't know, I think you're just
right.
She settles down at her sewing machine and resumes her work.
BARBIE MARGOT
Who... who are you?
We hear the Executives in the hallway, yelling, trying
doorknobs. Barbie Margot tenses. Without looking up, the
older woman indicates a closet next to the refrigerator.
1950 WOMAN
If you go through that closet,
you'll find a stairwell down to the
lobby. Just be careful of the mops
and brooms.
BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you... ?
1950 WOMAN
(smiling)
Ruth.
BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you, Ruth.
RUTH
You're welcome, Barbie.
Barbie Margot hesitates then enters the cupboard. She pushes
through the mops and brooms. The cupboard extends beyond and
Barbie Margot finds herself in a narrow back stairwell.
INT. LOBBY/EXT. STREET
Barbie Margot scampers across the lobby and onto the busy
street. She looks around desperately. She glances back
through the glass windows. Mattel Executives sliding across
the shiny, slippery lobby floor.
Barbie freezes, panicked. Gloria's car pulls up, door
opening.
GLORIA
Get in!
Barbie Margot then SEES Gloria. Time slows down. It's the
"love look" completed. They see each other seeing each other.
Just then the Mattel Executives come running out of the
building.
59.
GLORIA
NOW! GET IN NOW!
Barbie Margot leaps into the back seat. The door slams shut
and the car screeches off.
Town cars and vans pull up. The executives scramble inside.
MATTEL CEO
Follow that Barbie!
INT. GLORIA'S CAR.
Gloria drives, making crazy turns. She's an incredible
driver. Sasha in the passenger seat. Everyone is screaming.
SASHA
(so embarrassed)
God I hope nobody from school saw
us put a life-size Barbie in our
car. How did this even happen?!
Mattel gains on them. Gloria does some crazy amazing driving.
GLORIA
I don't know!
SASHA
How are you here? You're like, an
idea.
BARBIE MARGOT
A GREAT idea.
GLORIA
So, I've been a little lonely
lately and I found the Barbies we
used play with --
SASHA GLORIA
I thought we gave those away! And I started playing and
making drawings like we used
to do together because I
thought it would be fun and
joyful--
BARBIE MARGOT
(she understands)
But it wasn't, was it?
GLORIA
No, because I started feeling sad
and weird and then the drawings got
sad and weird...
(MORE)
60.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
and maybe because I couldn't be
like you I ended up making you like
me?
BARBIE MARGOT
Did any of these drawings by chance
have thoughts of death and
cellulite?
GLORIA
YES! IRREPRESSIBLE THOUGHTS OF
DEATH BARBIE!
BARBIE MARGOT
OH MY GOD!
GLORIA
And CELLULITE!
BARBIE MARGOT GLORIA
I came for YOU! YOU came for ME!
SASHA
What?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Those were YOUR memories!
CUT BACK to earlier images of mother and daughter, but this
time we see Gloria's experience, the joy of participating in
Sasha's childhood and the pain of Sasha inevitably moving
away as she grows up.
BACK to THE CAR:
SASHA
What? Are you two, like, Shining???
GLORIA
No, it's nothing like THAT!
SASHA
Are you Shining with a REAL Barbie?
GLORIA
No! Well, I mean, kind of... YES!
Gloria makes a crazy, screeching turn. (This should feel like
the chase in Bullitt!)
SASHA
I don't even know where to start
with this wishing a Barbie to life
crap.
61.
GLORIA
Listen, I'm just a boring Mom with
a boring job and a daughter who
hates me. Can you blame me for
wanting a little fun?
Gloria checks the rearview mirror. The Mattel cars flanking.
GLORIA
I'm going to have to lose these
chuckleheads.
She makes another crazy turn: clearly Gloria is NOT boring.
SASHA
Mom!
Everyone slides over, Barbie Margot falling. Gloria rights
the car, Barbie Margot climbs back up, her hair a mess.
BARBIE MARGOT
(shaking her head)
I think I owe you ladies an
apology. I thought Barbie had made
the Real World better, but the Real
World is forever and irrevocably
messed up!
GLORIA
Well the real world isn't perfect,
but you inspired ME!
BARBIE MARGOT
(depressed)
But I love women, I want to help
women.
SASHA
Oh, come off it, everybody hates
women. Women hate women and men
hate women. It's the thing we can
all agree on.
BARBIE MARGOT
(horrified)
Is that true?
GLORIA SASHA
It's complicated... hate is a Wake up Mom!
strong word.
Two cars appear on either side. The Mattel executives
yelling, but we can't hear anything they're saying through
their tinted windows.
62.
GLORIA
I am WIDE awake Sasha!
Gloria turns the wheel smashing into the side of a median
strip, sending them skidding.
SASHA
MOM! Where did you learn to drive
like this?
GLORIA
There was this guy...
SASHA
Was it dad?
GLORIA
(vague)
Yeah... yeah it was dad.
Gloria does a crazy reverse, Tokyo Drift thing right into a
hidden alley. Everyone quiets as the Mattel vans drive by,
not seeing them.
GLORIA
I can't hold them off forever.
BARBIE MARGOT
(suddenly)
WAIT! I have an idea! Can you get
us to Venice Beach?!
EXT. VENICE BEACH. 20 MINUTES LATER
They roller blade, frantically.
GLORIA
Where are we going?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Barbie Land! We'll be safe there!
SASHA
WHAT?! Mom, are you really going to
let Barbie take you and your tween
daughter to an imaginary land?
GLORIA
Yes and you know why? Because I
never get to do anything. I didn't
even go on that cruise I won at
your school raffle because I didn't
have enough vacation days and your
dad is allergic to sun.
63.
SASHA
What about Dad? We can't just leave
him!
GLORIA
He'll be fine.
CUT to Nerdy Well Meaning Dad, in sandals and socks, learning
Spanish from an app.
NERDY WELL MEANING DAD
(into his phone, loud)
Boligrafos.
APP
Muy bien!
BACK to our group.
SASHA
Yeah, he'll be fine.
BARBIE MARGOT
Ready for fun! Here we go!
TRANSPORTATION MONTAGE
AND: We replay some of the various vehicles.
First is Snowmobile. Cute winter wear!
SASHA
Where are we! How did we get into
these clothes?
BARBIE MARGOT
(a twinkle in her eye)
How did you get into this vehicle?
GLORIA
(looking down)
When I was a kid, I lost these
boots and my mom wouldn't let me
buy a whole new Barbie just to
replace the boots!
BARBIE MARGOT
They look so good on you.
GLORIA
Why thank you!
Sasha does an eye roll.
64.
Camper. They're all chilling in lawn chairs.
GLORIA
(admiring Barbie Margot)
She was always my favorite Barbie.
BARBIE MARGOT
And you are my favorite human!
Tandem Bike. It's now a three seater!
GLORIA
Don't tell him, but I never got a
Ken.
BARBIE MARGOT
That's because Ken is totally
superfluous!
They all crack up - Barbie Margot and Gloria are real pals.
Rocket.
BARBIE MARGOT
Women hold all major positions of
power, control all the money,
basically everything men do in your
world, women do in ours.
SASHA
(bending a little)
I mean, that sounds kind of cool.
Boat. Sasha is laughing as they take the waves in the speed
boat. The experience, as bizarre as it is, can't help but
delight her. Sasha then regards her mother regarding her:
GLORIA
Look! Dolphins!
EXT. BARBIE LAND. BARBIE CAR. DAY
Barbie, Gloria and Sasha cruise in the Barbie Car. Indigo
Girls "Closer to Fine" playing on the radio, as always
BARBIE MARGOT GLORIA
(singing) (also singing)
I went to the doctor / I went I went to the doctor / I went
to the mountain. to the mountain.
SASHA BARBIE MARGOT
WHAT IS THIS SONG?! (going on)
... and we have a female
president!
65.
BARBIE MARGOT
And it's fun and work and
friendship and female 24/7.
SASHA
Do giant hands come in and play
with you?
BARBIE MARGOT
What? No. That's crazy.
CUT BACK TO: VENICE BEACH. REAL WORLD
Mattel Executives talk to locals on the Boardwalk who tell
them what they saw earlier.
MUSCULAR VENICE BEACH PERSON
(pointing indistinctly)
A blonde, a brunette and a tween
roller bladed in that direction...
MATTEL CEO
(ominous)
The first step is always
rollerblading.
AARON DINKINS MATTEL CEO
(he's tagged along) They've gone to Barbie Land.
Excuse me, sir?
AARON DINKINS
Oh no.
MATTEL CEO
And she brought humans there with
her. This could mean extremely
weird things for our world.
AARON DINKINS
Like what?
MATTEL CEO
Like nothing any of our collective
imaginations COULD EVER DREAM UP.
Aaron Dinkins looks peculiar, trying to imagine.
EXECUTIVE #1
A podcast hosted by two wise trees?
Or a choir of two thousand young
fathers...
66.
MATTEL CEO
Not even CLOSE.
(to the others)
We've got to get to Barbie Land!
GO! Find some blades. Just pick a
direction and run!
They scatter.
EXT. BARBIE LAND. DAY.
Gloria and Sasha are totally impressed by the beauty of
BARBIE LAND as they drive by the ocean in Barbie's
convertible.
BARBIE MARGOT
(soaking it all in)
I can feel my heels lifting
already. Yes, this is what I was
supposed to do. Bring you back
here!
GLORIA
(so happy)
It feels right!
BARBIE MARGOT
It does!
They pass the BEACH. Kens are playing volleyball a la Top Gun
and the Barbies are cheering (reverse of beginning).
BARBIE MARGOT
That's strange...
Also Kens race on the beach and hug triumphantly in the surf
(a la Rocky III). Barbie Issa hands a Ken a beer.
BARBIE ISSA
Incoming brewski beer--
(she makes plane sounds)
BARBIE MARGOT
Uh, so that's our president with
the beer. And the cheering squad...
is the supreme court?
BARBIE ISSA
This is so much better than being
President!!
BARBIE MARGOT
Something's weird today.
67.
A Ken Mermaid leaps out of the surf and waves. You don't
think that's a thing? Check this out:
KEN MERMAID
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
(slightly taken aback))
Oh... OK. Hi Ken.
Barbie Mermaid emerges and hands the Ken Mermaid a beer.
BARBIE MERMAID
Here have a brewski beer! My big
guy is thirsty!
BARBIE MARGOT
Huh.
(shaking it off)
OK. Wait until you see my
Dreamhouse. Everything I've bought
and owned will totally inspire you.
We'll change clothes again!
They pass the Capitol.
BARBIE MARGOT
And that's the Capitol!
SASHA
It's pink!!
And finally they pass Barbie Mt. Rushmore, but now instead of
Barbies it's... horses?!
BARBIE MARGOT
(frowns)
Huh.
EXT. BARBIE MARGOT'S DREAMHOUSE
They drive through the neighborhood.
BARBIE MARGOT
And these are the Dreamhouses! This
is where I live.
As they arrive in the cul-de-sac, Gloria exclaims.
GLORIA
(still in awe)
You can see through the houses!
68.
SASHA
So each Barbie has their own house?
Where do the Kens stay?
BARBIE MARGOT
(this has never occurred
to her before)
I don't know!
GLORIA
(nerding out)
I had that treehouse! I saved up my
allowance to buy it.
A Ken sits on the swing and waves to them. Barbie cocks her
head. Strange.
They pass a giant Hummer with flames--
BARBIE MARGOT
I've never seen a car like that
before... what happened here?
She finally takes in the full transformation - There are mini-
fridges everywhere, that poster of dogs playing poker, video
games, BIG TVs playing horse footage, Doritos, Mini
basketball hoops & arcade games, chin-up bars in the
doorways, foosball, pool, ping pong, air hockey, it's all Ken
all the time, empowered through some strange game of
telephone with the real world...
Some of them have beards, some mustaches, a couple have
goatees. Every Ken is there, including Ken Simu. This embrace
of a Real World cartoon masculinity seems to have united
them. A now bearded Ken Ryan Gosling sporting a mink coat is
in the middle of a monologue. All the Kens listen, rapt.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(rotating through all the
man-activities)
At first I thought the Real World
was run by men, and then for one
minute I thought it was run by
horses, but now I realize that
horses are just men-extenders. So
are cars, buildings, airplanes,
EVERYTHING! Everything exists just
to expand and elevate the presence
of MEN!
KEN KINGSLEY
That's amazing!
69.
BARBIE MARGOT (O.S.)
Ken, what have you done?! What are
you wearing?!
The Kens turn to see Barbie Margot, Gloria and Sasha. Ken
Ryan Gosling is secretly thrilled she showed up. He'd been
wanting her to see what he was capable of. He tries to cover
with nonchalance.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Don't question it. Just roll with
it tiny baby.
BARBIE MARGOT
Don't call me "baby!"
He's hurt, but instead of admitting it, now he's going to go
full-out aggressive and posturing.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ok, what about Mini Baby like this
mini-fridge?
Ken Ryan Gosling opens the door to his mini-fridge and grabs
a beer. Laughter from the Kens. Allan sits with the Kens on a
leather couch and looks miserable.
BARBIE MARGOT
This is MY Dreamhouse.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
This is no longer "Barbie's
Dreamhouse," this shall henceforth
be known as "Ken's Mojo Dojo Casa
House."
SASHA
You don't have to say "Dojo" and
"House."
GLORIA
And "Casa."
KEN RYAN GOSLING
But ya do. Because it feels so
good. Try it. Mojo. Dojo. Casa.
House.
Gloria and Sasha begin to repeat it back to Ken Ryan Gosling.
Barbie Margot shushes them to stop as Ken laughs maniacally.
EXT/INT. MATTEL SHIPPING WAREHOUSE. REAL WORLD. DAY
People loading Ken Mojo Dojo Casa Houses onto forklifts.
70.
MATTEL CEO (O.S.)
(yelling into his phone)
Give it to me straight - how weird
is it?
WAREHOUSE EMPLOYEE
These Mojo Dojo Casa Houses are
literally flying off the shelves!
The kids are CLAMORING for them!
Ken is on t-shirts, mugs, it's the
number one tattoo. Warner Bros has
started auditions for the Ken
movie. Which is already a
blockbuster hit!
EXT. VENICE BEACH. REAL WORLD. DAY
All the Mattel execs are roller blading. The CEO reacting to
the news on his phone.
MATTEL CEO AARON DINKINS
It's happening. That thing we - Executive Assistant -
could never imagine. If we
don't get my Words Lady -
MATTEL CEO
Executive Words Lady and someone
who is probably her daughter back
here and close the portal, our
world could be altered forever.
EXECUTIVE #2
But what does it matter if it's
Barbie or Ken? The money is pouring
in!
MATTEL CEO
Shame on you, Executive Number 2!
Do you think I spent my entire life
in board rooms because of a bottom
line?!
They all look away not wanting to answer this.
MATTEL CEO
No! I got into this business
because of little girls and their
dreams! In the least creepy way
possible!
(back to panic)
BLADE FASTER! Time is running out!
71.
EXT. BARBIE MARGOT'S DREAMHOUSE
Ken Ryan Gosling swings a golf club through some plastic
flowers in the yard. Barbie Margot reacts.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Look, I'm just hanging down with my
bro-homies having a brewski beer in
my Mojo Dojo Casa House.
(to Barbie Margot)
You can stay here if you want as my
bride-wife or my long-term-low-
commitment-distance girlfriend.
Now, brewski beer me.
BARBIE MARGOT
I will NOT brewski beer you.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
That's fine. I mean, without you
Barbies running things, we can do
our hair however we like--
We see Kens with crazy patches of beard on their faces.
KEN KINGSLEY
I have hats.
Barbie Emma enters in a French Maid outfit, Barbie Hari in a
Naughty Schoolgirl outfit.
BARBIE EMMA
(brainwashed)
How are my hungry boys! Who wants
snacks?
BARBIE MARGOT
Barbie, I'm so glad to see you! Can
you believe what's happening?!
BARBIE EMMA
(body snatched)
I know! Isn't it great?
BARBIE HARI
(to the men)
Does anyone need a brewski-beer?
BARBIE MARGOT
What are you doing? You're a
doctor!
72.
BARBIE HARI
Being a doctor was stressful and a
lot of work. I'm happy being
helpful decoration.
BARBIE EMMA
And Allan likes to help me give the
Kens foot-massages.
ALLAN
No, I don't. I don't like that.
Allan looks totally freaked out by what's happening. Barbie
Sharon and Barbie Ana sit on a leather couch rubbing a Ken's
feet.
BARBIES
We do!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I'm so blotto-faced day-drunk.
Kens cheer in agreement.
KEN KINGSLEY
Ditto same-same that!
BARBIE EMMA
I like not having to make any
decisions. It's like a spa day for
my brain, forever.
BARBIE MARGOT
What's wrong with her?!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Nothing. We just explained the
impeccable immaculate seamless
garment of logic that is Patriarchy
and she crumbled.
GLORIA
(figuring it out)
Oh my God. It's like in the 1500s
with the indigenous people and
small pox. They had no defenses
against it.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(no idea what she's
talking about)
Yeah!!
Ken Ryan Gosling climbs up onto the roof of his Hummer.
73.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Buckle up, babe, because Barbie
Land is now Ken Land and it'll be
just like Century City in Los
Angeles. Because they have it
figured out in Century City.
(describing a delicacy)
The minute you get out of your car,
you're like I can't believe how
great this place is.
Ken Simu nods vigorously. He LOVES it!
BARBIE MARGOT
No! They don't. They don't have it
figured out in Century City.
Because we failed them.
With sudden, personal intensity, almost crying, based on a
life-time of feeling like a second class citizen:
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No, you failed me! Out there I was
a SOMEBODY! I walked down the
street and people respected me just
for WHO I AM.
(to the Kens)
One lady even asked me for the
time.
KEN SIMU
NO WAY!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
WAY! Except for these dumb
technicalities like MBAs and
medical degrees and, I don't know,
swim lessons, I could have ruled
THAT world.
He attempts to slide down the hood of the Hummer but his mink
sticks to the metal and he moves at a glacial pace. Finally
landing on the ground:
KEN RYAN GOSLING
But here I don't need any of those
things. Here I'm just a DUDE! AND
THAT IS ENOUGH!
He raises a remote with a sense of triumph and switches the
channel on giant gross TV that has, until this point, been
playing romantic horse footage.
74.
BARBIE RITU (O.S.)
(brainwashed)
This has been such an exciting day!
EXT. CAPITOL STEPS. ON THE TV. DAY
A Newswoman (Barbie Ritu) interviews Ken Scott.
KEN SCOTT
It sure has! And please call me Mr.
Ken President Prime Minister Man.
BARBIE RITU
Let's recap all the amazing changes
and innovations thanks to the Kens!
CUT TO: THEATRE
Nobel prize ceremony. All the contestants are Kens and all
the judges are Ken.
ANNOUNCER
The Nobel Prize in Horses goes to
"KEN!"
It's Ken Ryan Gosling. He winks as he accepts his prize.
INT. BARBIE KEN OVAL OFFICE. DAY
Ken Scott, who is president, signs a bill into law with all
of the Ken senators standing around him.
INT. SUPREME COURT. DAY
Ken Kingsley argues in front of the Ken Supreme Court. The
Gallery erupts into rapturous applause.
EXT. PINK HOUSE. DAY
BARBIE RITU
And now you're making all of this
permanent with a special election
to change the constitution!
KEN SCOTT
(taking the microphone)
That's right, in 48 hours all the
Kens will go to the polls and vote
to change the constitution to a
government for the Kens, of the
Kens and by the Kens!
75.
EXT. MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE. SAME
Ken Ryan Gosling turns triumphantly to Barbie Margot, but
also kind of wanting her approval.
BARBIE MARGOT
You can't do this. This is Barbie
Land. The Barbies worked hard and
dreamed hard to make it everything
it is. You can't just UNDO it in a
day!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Literally and figuratively watch
me.
(echoing Barbie from
earlier in the movie)
Now, if you'll excuse me. This is
MY Mojo Dojo Casa House. Not
Barbie's Mojo Dojo Casa House.
Right?
Barbie Margot looks devastated.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(quiet and sincere)
See how it feels? It's not fun, is
it?
ALL THE KENS
It's boy's night!
A catch in his throat, this almost hurts him to say:
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Every night is boy's night.
Ken Ryan Gosling feels for her, but then puts on sunglasses
to hide his emotion. Then he puts sunglasses on top of his
sunglasses and walks away. Cold as ice.
EXT. CUL-DE-SAC. DAY
Barbie Margot runs from the house screaming. Gloria and Sasha
follow. As she reaches the lawn, clothes and accessories come
raining down. Ken is tossing all her stuff off the third
floor.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
And take your lady fashions with
you!
He identifies each clothing set as it flies through the air.
76.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Take your "Celebrate Disco" bell
bottoms, take your "Ice Capades
Pretty Practice Suit and Dazzling
Show Skirt"...
Gloria surreptitiously picks up a few great pieces.
GLORIA
These are archival!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
...your "Pajama Jam in Amsterdam"
set AND your "Pretty Paisley
Palazzo Pants" and get OUT.
He is angry but he still loves all the clothes and
obsessively calls them by their proper names, of course.
BARBIE MARGOT
NOT THE PALAZZOS!!!
Ken Ryan Gosling collapses in a pool of emotion. Barbie
Margot runs crying. Gloria and Sasha follow. Gloria tries to
comfort her. Barbie Margot turns on Gloria, angry:
BARBIE MARGOT
Why did you wish me to your messed
up world using your complicated
human thoughts and feelings?!
Barbie Land was perfect before and
I was perfect before!
GLORIA
I'm so sorry I wasn't trying to do
anything--
Sasha steps in, defending Gloria, who is touched.
SASHA
Don't apologize -- Don't blame my
Mom. Maybe you wished us? Maybe
it's your fault, Barbie.
BARBIE MARGOT
I didn't wish anything! I've never
wanted anything to change.
GLORIA
Well, honey, that's life. It's all
change.
77.
BARBIE MARGOT
Well that's just terrifying. I
don't want that. Not MY life. I'm
just going sit here and wait and
hope that one of the more
leadership oriented Barbies snaps
out of it and does something about
this whole mess.
Barbie Margot drops listlessly into a sitting position, tips
over and lies flat like a doll.
GLORIA BARBIE MARGOT
I really understand this JUST LEAVE ME HERE! Go back
feeling. It's basically like to your messed up world and
being a human person all the leave me to mine.
time--
SASHA
So you're just going to give up? I
almost felt bad for you, but you
are exactly what I thought you
were.
GLORIA
Come on, honey, let's go
SASHA BARBIE MARGOT
How do we even-- Do everything we did,
reversed.
Gloria and Sasha walk away.
SASHA
She doesn't deserve you.
Barbie Margot is now actually face down on the lawn.
BARBIE MARGOT
This is the lowest I've ever been.
Emotionally AND physically.
CUT TO:
A COMMERCIAL ON TV. It's all bright and happy except for the
dolls are really going through it. They look wrecked and sad.
ADVERTISING VOICE
Ok, kids! It's time to run out and
get the NEW Depression Barbie!
(MORE)
78.
ADVERTISING VOICE (CONT'D)
She wears sweatpants all day and
night, she spent seven hours today
on Instagram looking at her
estranged best friend's engagement
photos while eating a family sized
bag of Starbursts and now her jaw
is KILLING her and she's going to
watch the BBC's Pride and Prejudice
for the seventh time until she
falls asleep. (Anxiety, panic
attacks and OCD sold separately).
EXT. BARBIE KEN LAND STREET. DAY.
Weird Barbie patrols in a vehicle version of her house,
constructed from abandoned Barbie cars. It's kind of like a
tank, very Road Warrior.
It rumbles past a Ken taking down "Barbie Way" and putting up
a "Ken Avenue Boulevard Road Mews" sign. They screech to a
halt beside a catatonic Barbie Margot:
WEIRD BARBIE
Got a live one here!
Earring Magic Ken and Barbie Video Girl pick Barbie Margot
up. From Barbie Margot's point of view we see Weird Barbie.
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm like you now. Ugly and
unwanted.
WEIRD BARBIE
Thanks, kid.
Barbie Margot is lifted into the amazing, cock-eyed vehicle.
EXT. TRANSPORTATION MONTAGE
TANDEM BIKE. With the CEO at the front and Aaron Dinkens in
the back, Mattel rides a 12 person tandem bike on their
journey to Barbie Land!
MATTEL CEO
(shouting to the group)
Isn't this great!! Wait until you
see the boat!
INT/EXT. BARBIE CAR. OPEN ROAD.
Gloria and Sasha are driving down the Barbie highway in
Barbie's car. Gloria and Sasha (!!!) sing at the top of their
lungs to the Indigo Girls.
79.
GLORIA AND SASHA
"I went to the doctor / I went to
the mountains / I looked to the
children / I drank from the
fountains..."
Sasha looks almost wistfully at the retreating landscape of
Barbie Land.
Suddenly the song on the radio is cut out by a needle
scratch. Gloria frowns. A Ken comes over the airwaves.
KEN RADIO DJ
We interrupt this broadcast to
bring you our NEW radio station
KKEN 107.5. Playing Ken's favorite
song over and over again!
And then suddenly Matchbox 20's "Push" erupts from the
speakers. Allan pops up in the backseat:
ALLAN
TURN THIS SONG OFF FOR CHRISTSAKE!
Gloria and Sasha scream their heads off and Allan screams at
their screaming. So much screaming! They skid off the road,
crashing down a hill, flipping over a few times and landing
upright on another road. (SAME SHOT AS THE FIRST TIME.)
Except for this time, the car lands with no one in it, and
ONE second later, right beside the car, in the same
configuration, land Gloria, Sasha, & Allan.
MATCHBOX 20
(singing)
"I want to push you around. Well, I
will, well, I will..."
Still hysterical, getting to their feet:
SASHA
Who are you?!
ALLAN
I'm Allan!
GLORIA
You ARE Allan. That's great!
ALLAN
Don't tell the Kens, I'm trying to
escape. I cannot sit on ONE MORE
LEATHER COUCH. It's gonna break my
SPIRIT.
80.
Up ahead the Kens are building a wall. It's partially
constructed, and hard hat Kens hammer and dig.
ALLAN
Once they figure out how to build
that wall sideways and not just up,
no one will be able to get in or
out.
It's true: they're building the wall STRAIGHT up, not across.
ALLAN
If we want to leave we better make
a run for it.
GLORIA
Allan, you can't go. Having a
Barbie in the real world is what
caused all these problems in the
first place.
ALLAN
Not one person would care if Allan
was in the real world. In fact it's
happened before...
(a secret)
All of NSYNC... Allan.
Off their looks--
ALLAN
Yes, even him. So... COME ON!
KEN CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Hey, you there!
Allan casually stands and walks towards the Kens.
ALLAN
(to Gloria and Sasha)
Just get in the car and keep it
singing... be ready for anything.
(to the Ken)
Hey man!
KEN CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Who are you?
ALLAN
I'm Allan, I'm Ken's buddy? All his
clothes fit me!!
81.
Allan charges at the Kens and takes them all on, rather
impressively. Gloria and Sasha scramble to the car. Sasha
lands in the driver's seat and REVS:
GLORIA
You don't have a driver's license!
SASHA
And this car doesn't have an
engine!
Sasha looks beyond the wall and back to the Real World - and
then in the other direction, back to Barbie Land.
GLORIA
What are you doing?! Let's GO!
Sasha looks at Gloria. And then, inspired:
SASHA
We have to go back. Barbie Land
needs saving. Barbie needs saving.
GLORIA
But you hate Barbie!
SASHA
But you don't! You've always
believed in what she could be.
GLORIA
Well I was wrong. Barbie gave up.
The Kens won.
SASHA
Mom, you have to try! Even if you
can't make it perfect you can make
it better.
GLORIA
(breaking)
I can't make anything better! I'm
the one who ruined Barbie Land with
my stupid drawings in the first
place.
SASHA
(firm)
They're not stupid! They're
amazing...
GLORIA
(tearing up)
You like my drawings?
82.
SASHA
They're weird and dark and crazy.
Everything you pretend not to be.
GLORIA
I am... I am weird, dark and crazy.
Allan punches the last Ken and takes a threatening step
toward the remaining beleaguered Kens.
ALLAN
You want some more Allan?!
And he turns and runs back to the car.
ALLAN
We have to get out of here RIGHT
NOW!
Gloria hesitates.
GLORIA
Shut up Allan! We're going back.
Let's go help my doll.
Gloria and Sasha beam at each other. Sasha steps on the gas,
turns the wheel and they swing back toward Barbie Land.
ALLAN
I'll never get out of here.
SASHA
Where can we find Barbie?
ALLAN
There's only one place she'd be.
INT. WEIRD BARBIE'S WEIRDHOUSE. DAY
Barbie Margot has joined Weird Barbie and her motley crew -
the reject Barbies, Earring Magic Ken, Sugar Daddy Ken,
Growing up Skipper -- her boobs grow when she lifts her arm --
Teen Talk Barbie, Tanner the pooping Dog, Video Girl Barbie.
Barbie Margot is lying on the floor, unable to do anything,
totally without any will to live. Teen Talk Barbie and Video
Girl Barbie attempt to un-brainwash Barbie Alexandra.
TEEN TALK BARBIE
(to Barbie Alexandra)
You're a writer. This is your Nobel
Prize. Remember?
83.
Barbie Alexandra goes into one of those acceptance speeches
women give, totally self-effacing and not embracing the win.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Oh my God, I don't even know how I
got here. I don't deserve this! I'd
like to thank Ken.
WEIRD BARBIE
(entering the room)
It's pointless trying to deprogram
her. I've already tried.
(looking at Barbie Margot)
The fork in my soup is this, Barb:
why didn't the brainwashing work on
you?
BARBIE MARGOT
(still face down)
My exposure to Patriarchy in the
real world made me immune. Either
you're brainwashed or you're weird
and ugly. There is no in-between.
WEIRD BARBIE
Sing it sister.
(to the group)
Get ready to live in the shadows
and on the margins because in 48
hours Barbie Land becomes Ken Land.
They hear voices. Everyone screams and then tries to hide,
badly. Except for Barbie Margot, who doesn't move. Other
Barbies step over her. Some try to freeze like statues.
WEIRD BARBIE
It's the Kens! They've found us!
The sound of footsteps grow louder. Until finally Gloria,
Sasha and Allan are standing there.
WEIRD BARBIE
HUMANS!
ALLAN
AND ALLAN!
The lights go on and they all emerge out of their random
hiding places. Barbie Margot half clocks Gloria and Sasha and
tries to pull herself away, out of their sight.
84.
WEIRD BARBIE
(to Sasha and Gloria)
Welcome, welcome to my Weirdhouse -
I'm Weird Barbie. I'm in the
splits, have a funky hair cut and I
smell like basement.
GLORIA
OH MY GOD I HAD A WEIRD BARBIE!
WEIRD BARBIE
Yeah you did.
GLORIA
YOU MAKE THEM WEIRD BY PLAYING TOO
HARD!
Again, we take in the group as Gloria identifies each one --
GLORIA
That's Sugar Daddy Ken! And Earring
Magic Ken! Mattel discontinued
them...
SASHA
Sugar Daddy Ken? WTF?
SUGAR DADDY KEN
No, no, I'm not a Sugar Daddy. This
is Sugar.
(holding up a dog)
And I'm her Daddy.
EARRING MAGIC KEN
And I have an earring. A magic
earring.
GLORIA
(to Sasha)
Yeah, those were actual Kens.
(identifying all of them)
And-- more discontinued Barbies!!
Growing Up Skipper?! May I?
(to Sasha)
Watch this!
Gloria lifts Growing Up Skipper's arm and her boobs inflate.
This is as weird as it sounds.
GLORIA
See! Her boobs grow!
85.
SASHA
(aghast)
Why would they do that?
Gloria continues down the line of discontinued Barbies.
GLORIA
And Barbie Video Girl!
BARBIE VIDEO GIRL
I have a TV in my back. You know
whose dream that is? Nobody. It's
nobody's dream.
WEIRD BARBIE
And that's Barbie Barbie, of
course... she's not dead she's just
having an existential crisis.
Gloria and Sasha walk over to Barbie Margot who hasn't gotten
very far. She just presses her face to the ground.
Gloria turns her over. Barbie Margot hides her face with her
hands. Gloria gently moves them away.
And there is unadorned Barbie Margot, no makeup, nothing
special just her (which WE KNOW is INSANELY BEAUTIFUL, don't
worry.) Barbie Margot totally falls apart weeping. Like a
toddler crying.
GLORIA
What's wrong?
BARBIE MARGOT
(between sobs)
I'm... not... pretty... any...
more...
GLORIA
What? You're SO pretty.
BARBIE MARGOT
(shaking her head)
Not "Stereotypical Barbie"
pretty...
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(interrupting)
Note to the filmmakers: You should
have never cast Margot Robbie if
you wanted to make this point.
GLORIA
You are beautiful.
86.
BARBIE MARGOT
... it's not just that... I'm not
smart enough to be interesting...
GLORIA
But you ARE smart.
BARBIE MARGOT
I can't do brain surgery, I've
never flown a plan, I'm not
president, no one on the Supreme
Court is me... I'm just... not...
good... enough...for... anything
...
She sobs bitterly. Gloria shakes her head, feels deeply:
GLORIA
IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE A
WOMAN! You are so beautiful and so
smart and it kills me that you
don't think you're good enough.
Like we have to always be
extraordinary and somehow we're
always doing it wrong. You're
supposed to be THIN but not TOO
THIN and you can never say you want
to be THIN you have to say you want
to be HEALTHY but you also have to
BE thin. You have to have money but
you can't ask for money because
that's crass. You have to be a boss
but you can't be mean. You're
supposed to lead but you can't
squash other people's ideas. You're
supposed to LOVE being a mother but
don't talk about your kids all the
damn time. You're supposed to be a
career woman but always be looking
out for other people. You have to
answer for men's bad behavior,
which is INSANE, but if you point
that out then you're accused of
complaining. You're supposed to be
pretty for men but not SO pretty
that you tempt them too much or
threaten other women. You're
supposed to be part of the
sisterhood but also stand out but
also always be grateful. You have
to never get old never be rude
never show off never be selfish
never fall down never fail never
show fear never get out of line.
(MORE)
87.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
It's too hard, it's too
contradictory and no one says thank
you or gives you a medal, and in
fact, it turns out, somehow, that
not only are you doing it all wrong
but that everything is also YOUR
fault. I'm just so damn tired of
watching myself and every single
other women tie ourselves in knots
so that people will like us. And if
all that is also true for a doll
just representing a woman then I
don't even know!
Exhausted, she sits down. Allan is in tears, they all are.
Maybe a slow clap? And then:
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Wait, I did write a book.
(rubbing her eyes)
It was like I was in some dream
where I was somehow really invested
in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice
League.
(shaking her head, looking
to Gloria)
But what you said - it broke me out
of it.
GLORIA
Really?!
WEIRD BARBIE
She's back! You're back!
Sasha looks at her mom like she's seeing her for the first
time. She is proud.
Barbie Margot stands up. And we MOVE in on her pure, tear-
streaked face.
BARBIE MARGOT
By giving voice to the cognitive
dissonance required to be a woman
under the patriarchy, you robbed it
of it's power.
Gloria, Sasha and everyone else turns to Barbie Margot:
BARBIE MARGOT
(surprised and impressed)
Woah, I just said all of that.
88.
SASHA
Hell yes, White Savior Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
No, it was your Mom. She did the
saving.
Sasha fist bumps her. Barbie Margot is amazed. She suddenly
has new authority, a deeper voice, from a place of real
knowing, like Olivia de Havilland at the end of "The
Heiress." (Now, go watch that movie!)
BARBIE MARGOT
We have to stop the Kens.
(to Gloria)
You've got to say those things to
all the other Barbies. That's the
key.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
How will we get them away from
their Kens?
SASHA
We have experience with a world
like this one.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to Weird Barbie)
Do you have a map of Barbie Land?
WEIRD BARBIE
(triumphantly)
What do you think.
A large 3D map of Barbie Land opens up (like a Murphy bed)
from the wall.
CUT TO: HEIST MONTAGE. We see the execution of the plan as
Barbie Margot, Gloria and Sasha lay out the details. (You
know that thing, you've seen it in every heist movie ever!)
BARBIE MARGOT
Here's the deal. It's not just
about how they see us, it's about
how they see themselves.
GLORIA
Ken Land contains the seeds of its
own destruction.
BARBIE MARGOT
First we have to get the Barbies
away from their Kens.
(MORE)
89.
BARBIE MARGOT (CONT'D)
We can use a decoy Barbie who
pretends to be brainwashed.
(to Barbie Alexandra)
That should be you.
SASHA
We'll distract them by pretending
to be helpless and confused. Kens
can't resist a damsel in distress.
GLORIA
You have to make them believe that
you're complacent and that they
have the power. And when their
guard is down you can take the
power back.
CUT TO: The Barbie Busytown Street. The "heist Barbies" pile
out of Weird Barbie's tank-car. Barbie Alexandra sits in a
cafe on her laptop. She nods to the "heist Barbies" as Ken
Simu strolls by with Barbie Issa.
KEN SIMU
The influence that Porsche 356 has
had on the motoring world as a
whole cannot be overstated.
BARBIE ISSA
The 356! How could I be so
ignorant?!
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
(theatrically)
Ugh Photoshop is so hard! I just
don't understand how to use the
Select tool!
Ken Simu immediately leaves Barbie Issa's side for Barbie
Alexandra.
KEN SIMU
Oh, honey, you can only use the
Select tool if the layer is
highlighted. Here, let me show
you...
He wraps his arms around her to use her keyboard.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Ugh my tiny head is just swimming
with technical jargon like color
bands and magnetic lassos...
90.
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
Once they're engaged, we'll spirit
away their Barbie and deprogram her-
We see Barbie Margot and Allan hurrying Barbie Issa away from
the scene. She's thrown into the Weird Barbie tank-car and
Gloria de-programs her:
GLORIA
(at Barbie Issa)
... you're supposed to be their
mommies but not remind them of
their mommy, any power you have
must be masked under a giggle...
This snaps Barbie Issa out of her stupor.
BARBIE ISSA
(blinks)
What happened? One day I was
president, the next thing I know I
was cutting a Ken's steak for
him...?
GLORIA
Welcome back, Madame President.
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
And then we'll recruit the now
unbrainwashed Barbies to our cause.
They can be the new decoys.
INTERCUT THE PLAN. The Barbies distract the Kens by
pretending to be helpless and then Gloria deprograms them.
GLORIA (V.O.)
Tell him you've never seen the
Godfather and you'd love him to
explain it to you.
In a Ken Mojo Dojo Casa House, Ken Kingsley sits with Barbie
Sharon in front of one of the giant TVs talking over the
movie.
BARBIE ISSA
Are you watching the Godfather?
KEN KINGSLEY
It's the "Godfather."
BARBIE ISSA
I've never seen it!
91.
The now de-brainwashed Barbie Issa sits beside him, feigning
total interest.
KEN KINGSLEY
Oh my god you've never seen The
Godfather? The movie is a rich
blend of Coppola's aesthetic genius
and a triumph of Robert Evans and
the architecture of the 70's studio
system--
She nods and smiles and while he's busy blathering on about
the movie, Barbie Margot and Weird Barbie gently "kidnap"
Barbie Sharon, and lead her to Gloria who does another
version of her speech.
GLORIA
You have to reject men's advances
without damaging their egos,
because if you say yes to them,
you're a tramp, and if you say no
to them, you're a prude.
Barbie Sharon blinks, awakened.
BARBIE SHARON
I don't want to touch a foot.
GLORIA
No, you don't.
SASHA (V.O.)
Be confused about money.
Now it's Barbie Sharon helping! She sits with a a bunch of
financial documents.
BARBIE SHARON
Oh, I just have all my money in a
Savings account--
KEN SCOTT
(opening a briefcase)
That's totally wrong. You need
treasury bonds, corporate bonds.
CDs.
BARBIE SHARON
No one has CDs anymore!
KEN SCOTT
Oh sweetheart you are just so cute
when you're confused.
(MORE)
92.
KEN SCOTT (CONT'D)
But no, not music CDs, CD stands
for Certificate of Deposit which is
issued by the bank to...
They steal away HIS Barbie (Barbie Emma, in her maid outfit)
and deprogram her.
BARBIE EMMA
What am I wearing?
And now Barbie Emma browses through albums while Ken Ncuti
puts on a record, with Barbie Ana by his side.
BARBIE EMMA
I know what I like, but I don't
know albums--
KEN NCUTI
(abandoning Barbie Ana)
Oh, my God, you've never heard of
Pavement?!
BARBIE EMMA
It's got a pretty cover--
KEN NCUTI
Stephen Malkmus really harnessed
the acerbic talk singing of Lou
Reed with post punk influences such
as Wire and The Fall.
GLORIA (V.O.)
And then there are some classics of
the trade.
Barbie Ana pretends she's drowning, by just lying down by the
side of the ocean. A Ken leans down to rescue her.
BARBIE ANA
(batting her eyelashes)
You might have to give me mouth to
mouth.
And again the liberated Barbies steal away Barbie Hari.
Gloria ranting. Barbie Hari snapping out of it:
Then she executes the classic glasses gag:
BARBIE HARI
Gee I am so awkward and don't feel
pretty at all and will anyone ever
like me?
93.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
May I...?
He takes off her glasses for her.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
There! Now I can see your beautiful
face!
GLORIA (V.O.)
And then there's pretending to be
terrible at every sport, ever.
CUT TO: Helpful Sports Montage! Barbie Sharon pretends to not
be able to hit a golf ball. Ken Scott approaches, wraps his
arms around her:
KEN SCOTT
Here let me show you--
Barbie Alexandra tennis swing. Ken Kingsley arm wrap.
KEN KINGSLEY
Here let me show you--
Barbie Hari baseball swing. Ken Simu arm wrap.
KEN SIMU
Here let me show you--
Barbie Ana pulls the arrow back. Ken Ncuti arm wrap.
KEN NCUTI
Here let me show you --
All the Kens at once, maybe in a "Team Photo" type thing:
KENS
Here let us show you!
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
We'll do this until every single
Barbie is deprogrammed and ready to
take back Barbie Land.
INT. WEIRD BARBIE'S WEIRDHOUSE
The place is now bustling with Barbies who are back to
themselves. It's alive with chatter and planning. Weird
Barbie does a taxi whistle to get their attention.
94.
WEIRD BARBIE
(to the room)
Tomorrow the Kens are going to vote
to change the constitution but we
have to get there first.
SASHA
The final stage of our plan: To
turn the Kens against each other.
Now that they think they have power
over you, you make them question
whether they have enough power over
each other.
CLOSE on Barbie Margot. A hand applies make-up to her face.
It's Gloria.
BARBIE MARGOT
What if this doesn't work? What if
he doesn't... like me anymore?
GLORIA
He likes you...
BARBIE MARGOT
But he was really upset...
GLORIA
Because he likes you. And deep down
he knows you don't feel the same
way.
BARBIE MARGOT
I still don't want to hurt him.
GLORIA
He took your house. He brainwashed
your friends. He wants to control
the government...
BARBIE MARGOT
Ok true. Right.
(laughs)
It's like I'm a woman already...
GLORIA
Welcome.
BARBIE MARGOT
Is this what it's really like?
They share a rueful smile as Gloria finishes.
95.
Barbie Margot walks into the room of Barbies. They all smile
at her. She's "Stereotypical Barbie Perfect" again.
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm ready. Here we go!
EXT. KEN'S MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE
Barbie rings the bell. Ken Ryan Gosling sees her, pretends he
doesn't, noisily prepares himself, and then fakes being
shocked to see her. It's a lot.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Oh... hey. You've caught me
reading.
BARBIE MARGOT
Hey. I've been thinking.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Uh huh.
BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken Land is-- Kendom--
BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING
Kendom- Kendom Land--
BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING
Land of-- The Free and Men--
BARBIE MARGOT
Right. Well, this place--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Uh huh--
BARBIE MARGOT
Is really great. I've never seen
the Barbies so happy--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
They've done a great job cheering.
BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah, and the Kens really are
better at ruling than the Barbies
are--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(like it's nothing)
We just took Patriarchy and made it
Patriarchy.
96.
BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING
(confused but moving Yes?
along)
Right and--
BARBIE MARGOT
And... I'm ready to be your long-
term-distance-low-commitment-casual
girlfriend if you'll still have me?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(clearly into this idea)
Um... will you just hold on for one
second.
Ken Ryan Gosling retreats into his house and out of view.
KEN RYAN GOSLING (O.S.)
SUBLIME!
Returning to Barbie.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I don't know. I'm going to have to
think about it.
BARBIE MARGOT
Please?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Fine. Come inside and I can play
the guitar at you.
BARBIE MARGOT
Yay!
She hops inside.
INT. KEN'S MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE
Ken Ryan Gosling plays guitar on the couch while staring at
Barbie Margot who listens patiently.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(to Barbie Margot)
"I want to Push you down, well I
will well I will."
EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. NIGHT
4 Hours Later and he's still going. Now on the dunes. It's a
beach party with all the Kens and their Barbies. All the
Barbies pretend to be brainwashed, and all the Kens play
guitar at them. Yes, it's like 20 guitars. And one drum set.
97.
KENS
(to Barbies)
"I want to Push you down, well I
will well I will."
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
This is the final stage of our
plan. Give them their dream come
true...
GLORIA (V.O.)
And at the peak of their happiness,
when they think you actually care
about this song...
SASHA (V.O.)
You take it all away.
Margot looks across to Barbie Alexandra, who nods - it's
time. Then Barbie Margot looks at her phone and giggles.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(immediately insecure)
Who... who are you texting?
BARBIE MARGOT
(feigning innocence)
Huh?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Who are you texting?
Anyone who asks that question twice has already lost all
power.
BARBIE MARGOT
No one.
He snatches the phone.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(reading)
Ken!
BARBIE MARGOT
Sorry, one sec...
We follow Barbie Margot and move throughout the Barbie/Ken
couples at the party, all playing their guitars at their
Barbies.
Barbie Margot approaches Ken Simu who also plays guitar and
sings Matchbox 20 at Barbie Alexandra.
98.
BARBIE MARGOT
That's a beautiful song you're
playing. Did you write it?
KEN SIMU
Yes. Want to sit here and watch me
do it while staring into your eyes
uncomfortably for four and a half
minutes?
BARBIE MARGOT
I'd love to.
Ken Ryan Gosling observes this, enraged. He smashes his
guitar into the sand but it doesn't break.
And now the other Barbies do similar things, walking across
the sand from their Kens to engage with opposing Kens.
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
You play on their egos and their
petty jealousies and you turn them
against each other. While they're
fighting, we take back Barbie Land.
The Kens look at each other suspiciously. No Ken can be
trusted!
EXT/INT. KEN'S MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSES, CUL-DE-SAC. LATER
Ken Ryan Gosling, Ken Kingsley and Ken Ncuti sit on the edges
of their houses with their feet dangling. Because the houses
are open to the world, they can all see and talk to each
other. It's all very kid-like.
KEN NCUTI
(from his house)
Does the title of long term-
distance-low-commitment-casual
girlfriend mean NOTHING?!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(from his house)
This has gone too far!
KEN NCUTI
What do we do?!
KEN KINGSLEY
(from his house)
We beach every individual one of
them OFF!
99.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No. We go to war!
KEN KINGSLEY
Against the Barbies?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Against the Kens.
KEN KINGSLEY
But we are the Kens.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
The other Kens.
KEN KINGSLEY
Well we should probably call them
something else so it doesn't get
confusing.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No, we'll know what we mean.
KEN KINGSLEY
When we're on the battlefield and
you say, "Ken at four o'clock!" I
won't know if you mean us Kens or
the other Kens.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Because, my dudes, we attack at 10
o'clock, to take advantage of the
morning waves.
KEN NCUTI
But not so early so we all get to
sleep in.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Right.
KEN KINGSLEY
What will we fight with? We have no
guns.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Tennis racquets and volley balls.
KEN NCUTI
And slap fights!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
And beach offs!
100.
INT./EXT. MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE. DAWN
In his bed, Ken Ryan Gosling is already awake, singing.
Then he and the other Kens mink up and walk towards battle,
Ryan still singing. Think "The Warriors."
The song continues as...
EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. DAWN
They come in on paddle boats, Ken Ryan Gosling and Ken
Kingsley leading the charge, paddling furiously, trying to
look dignified in their arm floaties.
The other Kens, led by Ken Simu, are waiting on the dunes
mounted on hobby-horses.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(unhinged screaming)
I'll see you on the Malibu beach!
As they rush the beach in their trunks, they're also hitting
volleyballs and making sand castles. Maybe a game of Kadima?
KEN KINGSLEY
The water is cold!
Slo-mo sand being kicked in Ken's faces.
EXT. ROOF OF WEIRD BARBIE'S. MORNING
All the Barbies, Barbie Margot, Weird Barbie, Gloria, Sasha,
and the rejected Barbies and Kens look over Barbie Land.
GLORIA
And now they destroy themselves.
WEIRD BARBIE
Should we go restore our
constitution?
BARBIE EMMA
Good idea.
EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH
BACK TO THE BEACH. The executives from Mattel in their suits
appear amidst the Kens on the beach.
MATTEL CEO
This is a real hornet's nest in
here.
101.
Aaron Dinkins is hit in the head with a volleyball.
AARON DINKINS
Ow!
Mattel Executive #1 laughs and then is suddenly and violently
shot in the arm in a real Saving Private Ryan way. He
crumples on the sand. Everyone looks at each other.
MATTEL EXECUTIVE #1
Did I get shot? Are there real
weapons here?
MATTEL CEO
(not convincing)
No?
EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. INTERCUT
The Kens continue to do "battle" with Ken Ryan Gosling
singing his heart out.
This transitions into a "dream ballet" in a white space. The
Kens dance in an expression of frustrated masculinity,
helplessness, and feeling.
It culminates in dance-off and Ken Anthem. It's beautiful,
actually. It's broken by:
KEN KINGSLEY
KEN! KEN!
We're back on the beach. The Kens hold hands post dream
ballet, Ken Ryan Gosling still in the feeling, Ken Kingsley
comes running over to him.
KEN KINGSLEY
KEN! Weren't we supposed to vote
today?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
What?
KEN KINGSLEY
To change the constitution?!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
That's today, isn't it?!
INT. BARBIE SUPREME COURT. BARBIE/KEN LAND. DAY
We move through the crowd of enthusiastic Barbies. "The last
time I saw you you were brain washed! So were you!
102.
You look so much better not in the cheerleader costume! And
you without the school girl outfit!"
Barbie Issa bangs the gavel, casually and glamorously
commanding.
BARBIE ISSA
OK ladies, let's do this. All those
in favor of letting Barbie Land be
Barbie Land, say "Aye!"
The Barbies all say "aye" voting to retain the constitution.
Sasha grabs her mom's hand. She has a tear running down her
cheek.
Barbie Margot smiles. That's what she wanted to show them.
EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. DAY
The Kens, in musical dance pack, approach the cul-de-sac as
if they're riding horses, but they're just galloping on foot
Monty Python style...
As they arrive, they look up and down and all around to
discover that the Barbies (plus Allan and Sasha and Gloria
and the rejected dolls) are now occupying all the houses.
The whole aesthetic is now a combination of Mojo Dojo Casa
House PLUS Dreamhouse PLUS Weirdhouse. It's a combo-pack,
which is actually the most beautiful of all.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(losing his shit)
Is it my imagination, or are these
Mojo Dojo Casa Houses...
dreamier???
The Barbies all step out into the open.
BARBIE ISSA
(from on high)
That's because they're Dream
Houses, mother*******.
She's censored by a Mattel logo.
BARBIE ISSA
We've re-instated the constitution
of Barbie Land the way it was MEANT
to be, and returned all the
Barbie's brains and autonomy.
All the Barbies cheer!
103.
BARBIE ISSA
And we seriously disinfected the
houses.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Kens!!!
They all slowly, tiredly line themselves up.
KEN KINGSLEY
Who are we attacking, sir?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
The--
Ken Ryan Gosling looks at the Barbies, triumphant, but not
confrontational.
He hesitates. He looks back at the Kens who look exhausted
and confused. Suddenly he sees the folly of everything. The
other Kens look sheepish, as well. They look like the kids at
the end of Lord of The Flies when the ship comes.
Ken Ryan Gosling starts crying and runs past Barbie Margot
into the Dreamhouse.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!!
Which makes Allan cry. Barbie Margot goes into the Dreamhouse
to comfort him:
Ken Ryan Gosling is lying face down on the bed.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to Ken Ryan Gosling)
Hey, are you okay?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(snort)
Yeah... I'm fine. Totally.
BARBIE MARGOT
It's OK if you're crying. I cried
too. It's kind of amazing.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(sobbing)
I know. I'm a liberated man. I know
crying isn't weak.
BARBIE MARGOT
Do you want to sit up for a minute?
104.
He does.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(still crying)
It was hard running stuff. I didn't
love it.
BARBIE MARGOT
I get it.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(crying harder)
And those mini-fridges are so
small! You can only fit like a six-
pack in them, and the freezers are
basically USELESS. And, to be
honest, once I found out patriarchy
isn't about horses, I kind of lost
interest anyway...
He heaves and ugly cries, snot dripping from his nose. Barbie
Margot tries to comfort him but kind of realizes she should
just let this finish on its own.
BARBIE MARGOT
That's OK!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I always thought this would be our
house.
BARBIE MARGOT
Oh... Ken.
(gently)
I think I owe you an apology. I'm
sorry I took you for granted. Not
every night had to be girl's night.
Ken wipes his tears, nods a thank you. We see that Ken is
reflected in Barbie's eye - Ken sees it too. He leans in for
a kiss. She backs away.
BARBIE MARGOT
No, I didn't mean to suggest--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(standing up)
I don't know who I am without you!
BARBIE MARGOT
You're Ken.
105.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
But it's Barbie AND Ken. There is
no just Ken. That's why I was
created - I only exist within the
warmth of your gaze. Without you
I'm just some blonde guy who can't
do flips.
Ken Ryan Gosling runs to the edge of the house, dramatically.
BARBIE MARGOT
Maybe it's time for you to discover
who Ken is.
Ken leans in AGAIN for the kiss.
BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING
No-- That's not what I'm-- OK, I think I got it.
Ken is bursting with feeling, leaning over a few more times
to try to kiss her even though he knows that's not the
solution. He just tries to accept it. He looks crazy.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I feel so stupid. I look SO stupid.
I LOOK SO STUPID!!!!
ALL THE KENS DOWN BELOW
NO! YOU LOOK SO COOL!!
BARBIE MARGOT
Ken, you have to figure out who you
are without me. You're not your
girlfriend, you're not your house,
you're not your mink.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Beach?
BARBIE MARGOT
No, not even beach. Maybe all the
things you thought made you you
aren't... really you. Maybe it's
Barbie AND... it's Ken.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken... is me?
BARBIE MARGOT
YES!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken is me!
106.
BARBIE MARGOT
(quietly, to herself)
And I'm Barbie...
KEN RYAN GOSLING
KEN IS ME!
The Kens call out from below.
KEN KINGSLEY
And ME!
KEN SIMU
And ME!
Ken Ryan Gosling clutches his mink in his arms as he looks
down to Ken Kingsley. And then he tosses it dramatically into
the air.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I want you to have it.
Ken Kingsley dons the faux mink coat. He turns to the crowd:
KEN KINGSLEY
(with all the gravitas)
We were only fighting because we
didn't know who we were.
Ken Ryan Gosling goes down the slide
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken is me!!!!
Suddenly, there is clapping. And weeping. The Mattel CEO
exits the treehouse. He is somehow clapping and weeping the
hardest.
MATTEL CEO
(weeping)
Ken is RIGHT. It is SO HARD to be a
leader.
He sees Midge standing next to him, screams.
MATTEL CEO
AHHHH!!!! Midge. God. I thought we
discontinued her.
(recovering)
Do you know how many times I've
just wanted to stand up in a board
meeting and say, "Let's just tickle
each other!" Let's have a company
retreat and just tickle each other!
107.
The Mattel execs all join in and tickle their CEO, who is
giggling like a little kid. Aaron Dinkins' tickle turning
into a hug:
MATTEL CEO
NO NO NO don't hug me!
(moving on...)
But thanks to the Barbies I too can
relieve myself of this heavy
existential burden while holding
onto the very real title of CEO and
we can restore everything in Barbie
Land to exactly the way it was.
BARBIE ISSA MATTEL CEO
But, Mr. Mattel-- Please call me Mother.
BARBIE ISSA
No thank you.
(stepping forward)
I don't think it should go back to
just the way it was.
(looking to Weird Barbie)
No Barbie or Ken should be living
in the shadows.
ALLAN
Or Allan.
Nobody notices he says this. President Barbie approaches
Weird Barbie:
BARBIE ISSA
I'm sorry we called you Weird
Barbie behind your back and also to
your face.
WEIRD BARBIE
That's OK, I'm owning it now.
BARBIE ISSA
Would you like a job in my cabinet?
WEIRD BARBIE
May I please have sanitation?
BARBIE ISSA
It's yours.
A gaggle of Kens approach, excited.
KEN KINGSLEY
Madame President, please could the
Kens get one Supreme Court justice?
108.
BARBIE ISSA
Whoa whoa, I can't do that. But
maybe a lower circuit court
judgeship--
KEN SIMU
We accept! As long as we can wear
robes.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O)
Well the Kens have to start
somewhere. And one day the Kens
will have as much power and
influence in Barbie Land as women
have in the real world.
Sasha pokes at Gloria, prompting her.
GLORIA
(role reversal to her
daughter)
Okay, stop! I'll do it! STOP!
(to the group, brave
voice)
I've got an idea.
MATTEL CEO
(to Gloria, making weird
eye contact)
Tell me your secret dream child.
GLORIA
(interrupting)
What about, "Ordinary Barbie."
(brainstorming, excited)
She's not extraordinary! She just
has a flattering top and wants to
get through the day! Because it's
OK to just want to be a mom or to
want to be president or a mom who
is president or not a mom who is
also not president.
The Mattel CEO looks at Mattel Executive #1 who quickly runs
the numbers on an iPad.
MATTEL CEO
That's a terrible idea.
MATTEL EXECUTIVE #1
Yeah that's going to make money.
MATTEL CEO
Oh! "Ordinary Barbie." I love it.
109.
MATTEL CEO
Ok! We're good, everyone good?
(to the everyone)
Let's now do the work to restore
the portal between our worlds.
Everyone cheers. Sasha finds Barbie Margot in the crowd.
Barbie Margot claps, and looks happy, but something is
missing too.
SASHA
Hey wait, what about Barbie?
MATTEL CEO
What do you mean?
The Barbies nod.
BARBIES/KENS
Yeah, what about Barbie?!/What's
her ending?
SASHA
What does she get?
MATTEL CEO
(that's easy)
Oh, that's easy! She's in love with
Ken.
SASHA
That's not her ending!
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm not in love with Ken.
MATTEL CEO
(flustered)
Well what do you want?
BARBIE MARGOT
(tears up)
I, I don't know... I'm not really
sure where I belong anymore. I
don't think I have an ending.
A VOICE ON THE WIND
That was always the point. I
created you so you wouldn't have an
ending.
Coming toward her on the road, backlit by the sun, is a
small, well dressed woman holding a hand bag.
110.
BARBIE MARGOT
(quietly)
It's you.
It's Ruth, the woman from the 50's kitchen in the Mattel
offices. Barbie Margot meets her half-way:
BARBIE MARGOT
You're Ruth, from Mattel.
Then Ruth goes from being some ethereal God-like figure to a
comedian, angelic act dropped.
RUTH
Baby I am Mattel, until the IRS got
to me, which is another movie. I
Remington Steeled it for a while
with my husband, but I'm the brains
of the operation.
BARBIE MARGOT
So you're...?
RUTH
(little bow)
Ruth Handler, inventor of Barbie.
MATTEL CEO
(stage whisper)
Her ghost keeps an office on the
17th floor.
Whispers and looks amongst the Barbies and Kens.
RUTH
What? You think the lady who
invented Barbie looked like Barbie?
Ha! I'm a five foot nothing Grandma
with a double mastectomy and tax
evasion issues. Nobody looks like
Barbie. Except, of course, Barbie.
Take a bow, honey.
BARBIE MARGOT
I don't feel like Barbie though,
not anymore.
Ruth gestures to Barbie Margot.
RUTH
Walk with me.
111.
Barbie takes Ruth's hand. They head down the road. The cul-de-
sac of Barbies and Kens and Mattel all do a slow theater wave
goodbye. Ken Ryan waves, heartfelt:
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Thank you, Barbie. Thank you.
INT. ORIGIN SPACE
A vast empty space, almost like reflecting sand on a beach,
softly illuminated by different, changing colors.
RUTH
Tell me your troubles.
BARBIE MARGOT
Is this therapy?
RUTH
No, you're talking to a ghost from
the 1950s!
BARBIE MARGOT
Well, I don't know what I'm
supposed to do... I've always just
been Stereotypical Barbie, I don't
think I'm good at anything else.
RUTH
You saved Barbie Land from
patriarchy.
BARBIE MARGOT
That was very much a group effort.
RUTH
And you helped that Mother and
Daughter connect.
BARBIE MARGOT
They really helped each other.
RUTH
Maybe you're Self-Effacing Barbie?
BARBIE MARGOT
Maybe I'm not Barbie anymore.
Barbie Margot says this before she realized that she'd said
it and then immediately realizes it's true.
RUTH
You understand that humans only
have one ending.
(MORE)
112.
RUTH (CONT'D)
Ideas live forever, humans, not so
much. You know that right?
BARBIE MARGOT
I do.
RUTH
Being a human can be pretty
uncomfortable.
BARBIE MARGOT
I know.
RUTH
I mean humans make things up like
patriarchy and Barbie just to deal
with how uncomfortable it is.
BARBIE MARGOT
I understand.
RUTH
And then you die.
BARBIE MARGOT
(nodding)
I want... I want to be part of the
people that make meaning, not the
thing that's made. I want to be the
one imagining, not the idea itself.
Does that make sense?
RUTH
(chuckling)
I always knew that Barbie would
surprise me, but I never expected
this.
BARBIE MARGOT
Do you give me permission? To
become human?
RUTH
You don't need my permission.
BARBIE MARGOT
But you're The Creator. You control
me.
RUTH
Ha! I can't control you any more
than I could control my own
daughter! I named you after her -
Barbara.
(MORE)
113.
RUTH (CONT'D)
And I always hoped for you like I
hoped for her. We mothers stand
still so our daughters can look
back to see how far they've come.
BARBIE MARGOT
(figuring it out)
So being human isn't something I
need to ask for or even want, it's
something I discover I am...?
RUTH
I can't, in good conscience, let
you take that leap without knowing
what it means. Take my hands.
She does.
RUTH
Now close your eyes.
She does.
RUTH
Now... FEEL.
We see details of Barbie Margot, her eye, her forearm, her
pulse. Life.
And she feels and sees what a human life is. The joy and pain
of being mortal. All that she will lose and gain.
We see FLASHES of life lived, unadorned home footage of many
women's lives - happiness, sadness, big moments, little
moments, childhood, adulthood, old age, how it all rushes by
in one moment, each life drifting into the next somehow
capturing the current that runs through all things.
BACK TO BARBIE: Tears roll down Barbie Margot's face. She
opens her eyes and says one thing:
BARBIE MARGOT
YES.
EXT. REAL WORLD. LOS ANGELES. DAY
We BOOM down to the streets of LA.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
So Barbie left behind the pastels
and plastic of Barbie Land for the
pastels and plastic of Los Angeles.
114.
Gloria pulls up to the curb. Nerdy Well Meaning Dad rides
shotgun, Sasha and Barbie Margot in the backseat.
BARBIE MARGOT
(excited, anxious)
Well, thanks for the lift.
GLORIA SASHA
You've got this. I'm so proud of you.
NERDY WELL MEANING DAD
Estoy muy orgullosa de ti.
BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you, you guys are the best.
Ok, lets do this.
NERDY WELL MEANING DAD
Sí se puede!
GLORIA
That's a political statement.
SASHA
That's appropriation, Dad!
They all cheer her on as she walks from the car into a big
building. We see that she's wearing Birkenstocks - PINK, of
course, but still, Birks.
INT. OFFICE. CONTINUOUS.
Nervous, happy, she finds the right door, and walks up to a
reception desk. To the woman behind the glass:
BARBIE MARGOT
Hi...
RECEPTIONIST
Name?
BARBIE MARGOT
Oh, um, Handler comma Barbara.
RECEPTIONIST
And what are you here for today,
Barbara?
And then she says, with so much pride, so much anticipation,
so much meaning, so much deep joy:
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm here to see my gynecologist.
115.
CUT TO BLACK BEFORE ANYONE CAN EVEN PROCESS THAT SENTENCE.
The End.
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