BEING THE RICARDOS
Written by
Aaron Sorkin
FADE IN:
We meet--individually--three people who are the older
versions of three characters we'll meet shortly. They're
speaking to an off-camera interviewer in three different
locations that have been chosen, dressed and lit for a
documentary.
1 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 1
JESS is sitting in the bleachers of a television soundstage.
OLDER JESS
It was a scary week, `cause here's
what you gotta understand. You
gotta understand a hit television
show--today--a big hit television
show, what does it get? Ten-million
viewers.
We ID the man with a chyron--
Jess Oppenheimer
Executive Producer and Head Writer
OLDER JESS (CONT'D)
Let's go crazy and say fifteen.
Fifteen-million viewers `cause this
is a big, giant hit. Here's what
you gotta understand. I Love Lucy?
Sixty-million. Households.
2 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 2
The tables are all set for dinner but the place is empty. BOB
is sitting at a table near where a small orchestra would
play.
OLDER BOB
Oh yeah. It's been a long time, but
I remember that week.
Bob Carroll
Writer
OLDER BOB (CONT'D)
That was a scary week. It was a
very scary week.
2.
Continued: 3
3 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 3
OLDER MADELYN
Those guys scare too easy. I'm from
the Midwest. I lived through the
depression and the dust bowl so I
don't scare that easy.
Madelyn Pugh
Writer
OLDER MADELYN (CONT'D)
But yeah, it was a scary goddamn
week.
4 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 4
OLDER JESS
Now here's what you gotta
understand. Audience share. That's
the percentage of television sets
that are turned on--what percentage
are tuned to you. That's audience
share.
5 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 5
OLDER BOB
Out of the blue.
6 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 6
OLDER MADELYN
Everyone almost lost their jobs.
And Lucy and Desi, they almost lost
their lives.
(beat)
No exaggeration.
7 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 7
OLDER BOB
Out of thin air.
3.
Continued: 8
8 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 8
OLDER JESS
So we're getting our 60-million
households at a time when the
population of the United States was
155-million, many of whom did not
own television sets. Our audience
share was consistently in the 70's.
Today? Population 330-million. Your
big hit show with the 15-million
viewers, maybe 20 if someone's
getting married or killed, audience
share? EIGHT!
9 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 9
OLDER BOB
Just like that.
10 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 10
OLDER MADELYN
You're asking when did they find
out? At the same time as everyone
else, they were listening to Walter
Winchell.
11 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 11
OLDER BOB
I'm minding my own business,
listening to Walter Winchell, and
bam--
12 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 12
OLDER MADELYN
At the end of the broadcast--
13 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 13
OLDER JESS
Department stores used to be open
late Monday nights, then they
switched to Thursday nights, you
know why? `Cause nobody was leaving
home during I Love Lucy on Mondays.
(MORE)
4.
Continued: 13
OLDER JESS (CONT'D)
There was a significant drop-off in
the number of people using water
between 9 and 9:30 on Monday
nights. My point is, and this is
what you gotta understand, it
wasn't small potatoes when Winchell
ended his broadcast by saying--
14 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 14
OLDER BOB
Lucille Ball is a communist.
(pause)
Just like that. Lucille Ball is a
member of the Communist Party.
15 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 15
OLDER JESS
Yeah.
16 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 16
OLDER MADELYN
And she'd already seen the magazine
story about Desi when Winchell came
on. The magazine came out on
Mondays but her publicist brought
her a copy Sunday night.
17 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 17
OLDER BOB
What were they doing when they
first heard the news?
18 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 18
OLDER JESS
What were they doing?
5.
Continued: 19
19 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 19
OLDER MADELYN
I don't know what Lucy and Desi
were doing, but it was Lucy and
Desi, so they were either tearing
each other's heads off or tearing
each other's clothes off.
CUT TO:
20 INT. ARNAZ HOME/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 20
In the foreground--though out of focus--is the back of
LUCILLE BALL, sitting on a couch with her bare feet up on a
coffee table. She has a drink next to her and lights a
cigarette.
In the background--in clear focus-is an RCA RADIO/TURNTABLE
CONSOLE as we HEAR an announcer--
ANNOUNCER (FROM THE RADIO)
It's time America...time for Walter
Winchell. Presented to you by
Gruen, the precision watch. Gruen,
the finest watch you can wear.
Gruen, the finest watch you can
give, brings you the man who gives
America the news...Walter Winchell
of the New York Daily Mirror and
the Washington Post.
The broadcast continues as we HEAR the front door open. For
the next minute or so we'll see no faces--just out-of-focus
arms and legs and other shards of the moment as they pass
through the frame, which remains on the radio--the only thing
in focus.
DESI (O.S.)
(calling)
Lucy, I'm home!
LUCY (O.S.)
Where the hell have you been ya
Cuban dimwit?
DESI (O.S.)
Whoa, easy does it.
LUCY (O.S.)
You philandering bongo player.
6.
Continued: 20
DESI (O.S.)
I was playing cards with--
We HEAR his face being SLAPPED--
DESI (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Ow! Hey! I was playing cards with--
SLAP--
DESI (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Ow, Goddammit!
LUCY (O.S.)
Tell me when it starts to hurt.
20A A FEW MINUTES LATER-- 20A
We're on the radio again but from a different angle as the
Winchell broadcast continues. Again, we won't see faces--just
the occasional slice of someone coming into or out of the
frame.
WALTER WINCHELL (FROM THE RADIO)
William L. Markey, Jr.,
Eisenhower's top backer in Buffalo,
is being divorced very quietly. His
wife--
LUCY (O.S.)
The boat?
DESI (O.S.)
We were playing cards on the boat.
LUCY (O.S.)
Since last night?! Since 27 hours
ago?!
DESI (O.S.)
Yes!
LUCY (O.S.)
And you couldn't get to a phone?
DESI (O.S.)
No.
LUCY (O.S.)
Why?
7.
Continued: 20A
DESI (O.S.)
I was passed out a lot of that
time!
20B A FEW MINUTES LATER-- 20B
We're on the radio but from still a different angle and still
no faces. The Winchell broadcast continues--
WALTER WINCHELL (FROM THE RADIO)
The Vice President, in a
magnificent speech this week, told
the American Legion why we--
A copy of a magazine flies across the room and lands on the
radio console. It's Confidential Magazine. There's a photo of
Desi with a woman.
"Desi's Wild Night Out" reads the headline.
LUCY (O.S.)
That's tomorrow's Confidential.
DESI (O.S.)
Why do you even read that magazine?
LUCY (O.S.)
Why do I even--In this case it's
`cause my husband's on the cover
with another woman so it caught my
eye. The story chronicles a night
on the town with you and--
DESI (O.S.)
That's somebody's niece.
LUCY (O.S.)
What the hell do I care if--
DESI (O.S.)
From Westinghouse. That's the
Westinghouse corporate--you were
there--that's the guy's niece. That
picture was taken last summer.
LUCY (O.S.)
The story's about last Wednesday
night.
DESI (O.S.)
Last Wednesday night I was on the
boat.
8.
Continued: 20A
LUCY (O.S.)
Like last night?
DESI (O.S.)
Yes!
WALTER WINCHELL (FROM THE RADIO)
--with the hall coming to its feet
at the conclusion of his address.
We see LUCY's hand pick up the magazine...
LUCY (O.S.)
(pause)
You're right. This was taken at the
Westinghouse corporate retreat.
DESI (O.S.)
Yes.
LUCY (O.S.)
(beat)
I apologize.
DESI (O.S.)
Say, "Desi, I apologize for
doubting you."
LUCY (O.S.)
No.
DESI (O.S.)
"For I see now that this picture
was taken--not last Wednesday night-
-but six months ago at the
Westinghouse corporate retreat and
I'll never doubt your love for me
again." Say that.
LUCY (O.S.)
No. And you're doing it again.
You're pronouncing it Westin-gouse.
DESI (O.S.)
It is Westin-gouse.
LUCY (O.S.)
Westinghouse.
DESI (O.S.)
Say g-h-o-s-t.
LUCY (O.S.)
Ghost.
9.
Continued: 20A
DESI (O.S.)
You don't pronounce an "H' after a
"G". Westin-gouse.
20C A FEW MINUTES LATER-- 20C
We're on the radio from still a different angle. DESI and
LUCY are pulling and tugging at each other's clothes on the
couch.
WALTER WINCHELL (FROM RADIO)
When the G-Men captured the
fugitives in the High Sierras last
week--
LUCY (O.S.)
So everything in the magazine was
made up?
DESI (O.S.)
I haven't read the magazine, but
unless the story's about me playing
cards on the boat--
LUCY (O.S.)
It's not.
DESI (O.S.)
--then yes, it's made up. Get it
through your head--you're the only
thing I want.
LUCY (O.S.)
Well then you're an idiot.
DESI (O.S.)
I'm trying to get this off but I
think it's been welded.
WALTER WINCHELL (FROM RADIO)
The House Committee on Un-American
Activities is holding secret
sessions in California. The most
popular of all television stars was
confronted with her membership in
the Communist Party. And that, Mr.
And Mrs. 48, winds up another
edition until next Sunday night at
the very same--
LUCY (O.S.)
Wait.
10.
Continued: 20A
DESI (O.S.)
Wait.
LUCY (O.S.)
Wait.
And now we finally move up to see their faces--LUCILLE BALL
and DESI ARNAZ like we've never seen them. LUCY, half-dressed
with her red hair down and flying around her face and
shoulders, DESI with his shirt ripped open, both of their
faces flush and glistening with sweat. Their breathing is
still heavy...
LUCY (CONT'D)
(pause)
What did he say?
DESI
He said the most popular of all
television stars was--
LUCY
--was confronted with her
membership in the Communist Party.
The two of them just stare at the radio...
DESI
(pause)
Yeah.
(pause)
He coulda been talkin' about
Imogene Coca.
LUCY
Fuck you, he was not talking about
Imogene Coca.
21 OMITTED 21
BLACK
TITLE:
Being the Ricardos
DISSOLVE TO:
Monday
11.
Continued:
Table Read
CUT TO:
FADE IN:
22 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY 22
20-odd people sit at a horseshoe of folding tables. They're
the cast and staff of I Love Lucy and behind them is the
iconic set from the show. The group is largely silent. They
smoke their cigarettes, tap their scripts or just wait
quietly and nervously. Two seats at the head of the table--
reserved with a card for Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, are
conspicuously empty.
A woman finally speaks up. The card in front of her reads
"Vivian Vance". We may notice that Vivian is considerably
more attractive in real life than she is when she's playing
Ethel Mertz.
VIVIAN
This is nonsense.
She lights a cigarette.
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
It's nonsense and it will get worse
before it gets better. Little Rusty
Hamer? When he signed his contract--
or the guardian, whoever signs the
contract for him--he had to sign a
loyalty pledge. Did anyone know
that?
Nobody answers...
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
Bill?
She's talking to WILLIAM FRAWLEY.
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
Bill.
FRAWLEY
Is she talking to me?
Two of the elderly witnesses we saw in the opening, BOB and
MADELYN, are now in their 20's.
MADELYN
Yes.
12.
Continued: 22
FRAWLEY
So she knows I'm here, she can see
me?
MADELYN
Yeah.
VIVIAN
Did you know little Rusty had to
sign a loyalty pledge?
FRAWLEY
I don't know who the fuck little
Rusty is.
VIVIAN
Rusty Hamer from The Danny Thomas
Show.
FRAWLEY
That's not his name.
VIVIAN
It is his name.
FRAWLEY
The littlest kid on Danny's show?
VIVIAN
Yes.
FRAWLEY
The character's named Rusty, not
the actor.
VIVIAN
They're both named Rusty. Rusty
Williams is played by Rusty Hamer.
FRAWLEY
And Hamer's a Communist?
VIVIAN
He's 7-years old.
FRAWLEY
And he's interested in politics?
VIVIAN
No imbecile! I'm saying he's 7-
years old and they made him sign a
loyalty pledge.
13.
Continued: 22
FRAWLEY
Uh-huh.
VIVIAN
This is getting out of hand was my
point.
FRAWLEY
Why isn't Danny Thomas's kid named
Rusty Thomas?
VIVIAN
Are you drunk?
FRAWLEY
It's 10am, Vivian, so...you
know...of course.
MADELYN
Bob and Jess and I were up all
weekend working on the script
you're about to read and on behalf
of all of us I want to say how much
we appreciate your respect.
FRAWLEY
Believe me, you do not want me to
read this sober.
BOB
I'm starting to get a little tired
of your casual insults.
FRAWLEY
Well my insults don't feel like
putting on a fuckin' tuxedo for
you, kid. Jess, why don't you tell
your young writers that I don't
work for them.
MADELYN
Jess, why don't you tell your
supporting cast that we don't work
for him either.
And now we finally hear from the younger version of JESS--
JESS
You all work for me!
(pause)
Look, what you all have to
understand is this. Here's what you
have to understand. We're all
tense.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 14.
Continued: 22
There's a long silence in the room before--
MADELYN
(pause)
Seriously, that was it?
JESS
We're all tense, and the cure for
that is to just do the show. Normal
production week.
FRAWLEY
We're going to need someone to play
Lucy and Ricky, those are critical
roles.
JESS
The two of them are in Desi's
office meeting with the network and
the sponsor right now. I'm sure
there's an explanation and that
this'll be over by show night.
FRAWLEY
One way or the other.
JESS
Yeah. No. I mean--let me be clear--
I said this'll all be over by show
night and Bill said, "One way or
the other." Gallows humor. I said,
"Yeah", but I didn't mean--
MADELYN
The sooner you stop talking--
JESS
Yeah.
23 INT. DESI'S OFFICE - DAY 23
It's an office befitting the president of Desilu and right
now it's filled with a half-dozen men plus Lucy and Desi.
DESI's sitting at his desk and LUCY's leaning against it.
DESI
I think everyone's acquainted but
let's go around. Joe?
JOE
Joe Strickland, CBS.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 15.
Continued: 23
HOWARD
Howard Wenke, also CBS.
ROGER
Roger Otter, Philip Morris.
IRWIN
Irwin Gotlieb, attorney for Desilu.
SAM
Sam Stein, attorney for Lucille
Ball.
TIP
Tip Tribby, V.P. of Public
Relations for Phillip Morris.
DESI
Tip? If Winchell had it cold he'd
have used her name, it woulda been
at the top of the show and not the
bottom and this morning we'd be
reading about it on the front page
of every paper, am I right?
TIP
Yes.
DESI
They don't have it.
HOWARD
Can you see where CBS might be
concerned that there's an "it" to
"have", do you see that?
DESI
Couldn't follow you.
HOWARD
Lucy, you need to tell me right
here and now what the hell is going
on.
DESI
You don't want to talk to my wife
like that, amigo.
HOWARD
Or what, Des, you're gonna beat me
up?
DESI
She will.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 15A.
Continued: 23
LUCY
So we're done with the
introductions?
LUCY's quieted the room...
LUCY (CONT'D)
I'm not a Communist, I've never
been a Communist except
technically, yeah I am.
JOE
Jesus Christ, do you get what's
happening and do you know that this
isn't funny?
LUCY
Yes, I do get what's happening and
yes, I know that it isn't funny.
HOWARD
Lucy--
16.
Continued: 23
LUCY
My father died when I was very
young and I was raised by my mother
and my grandfather, a man named
Fred C. Hunt.
DESI
I'd like everyone but Howard to
leave the room.
ROGER
Philip Morris pays for this show.
DESI
And they get their money's worth so
give us a minute, would you?
LUCY's taken a cigarette out--
ROGER
She's smoking a Chesterfield, could
she at least smoke one of the seven
brands that Philip-Morris--
DESI
Got it.
Everyone's gone but LUCY, DESI and HOWARD...
LUCY
Fred C. Hunt, my grandfather, was a
member of the party. This was in
the early 30's and I was in my
early 20's. He never used the word
"communist" but he cared about
workers, the working man. He raised
my little brother and me and I
wanted to please him so I checked
the box. Back then it wasn't
considered much worse than being a
Republican.
HOWARD
Have you been to a meeting?
LUCY
No.
HOWARD
Never.
LUCY
No.
17.
Continued: 23
HOWARD
You were at a cocktail party and
later you found out--
LUCY
No.
HOWARD
Have you ever--
LUCY
My entire relationship with
communism is twenty years ago I
checked a box.
HOWARD
Why is this coming out now?
DESI
The committee investigated her and
cleared her. But then last week
William Wheeler convened a special
session out here--a private session-
-called her in again and that's why
we're sitting here.
HOWARD
(pause)
And nobody's picked it up.
DESI
Nobody's picked up the story, not a
single paper. Not a single news
network, including your own.
HOWARD
Maybe. Maybe we're outa this. We
just don't know yet.
LUCY
When will we?
HOWARD
If you tape a show Friday night it
means you still have a show.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 18.
Continued: 23
LUCY
(pause)
Okay.
HOWARD
(pause)
Okay.
HOWARD exits...
DESI
You and me, we've been through
worse than this.
LUCY
(beat)
We have?
DESI
No.
LUCY
That's what I thought.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Hey.
(beat)
The whole piece was invented out of
thin air?
DESI
(beat)
Huh?
LUCY
Four pages, fifteen-hundred words--
DESI
Are you being funny right now?
LUCY
That's the second time someone's
asked me that this morning. I'm
Lucille Ball, when I'm being funny
you'll know it. They invented the
whole thing?
DESI
You don't think we got bigger fish
to fry?
19.
Continued: 23
LUCY
They invented--
DESI
(over)
Yes, they invented the whole thing!
I was on the boat playing cards.
They invented the whole thing and
I'm angry at them and I'll do
something about it but right now--
LUCY
Yeah. Got it. Priorities. You're
right.
DESI
Say that again. "Desi, you're
right."
LUCY
No.
DESI takes LUCY in his arms--
DESI
Everything's gonna be fine.
Nothing's gonna happen to you. I
won't allow it. I just won't.
LUCY kisses DESI...then she takes the handkerchief from
Desi's jacket pocket and wipes the lipstick off his lips...
DESI (CONT'D)
You've never done that before.
LUCY
I know. I've seen other people do
it in movies I've been in.
24 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY 24
The group is still waiting at the shoehorn of tables.
VIVIAN
For the love of God, old man, this
isn't hard! Rusty Hamer plays Rusty
Williams on the Danny Thomas show.
He's in second grade and he had to
sign a loyalty oath when he signed
his contract which I think is ugly.
That's it. I don't know why this is
tripping you up. It wasn't
confusing.
20.
Continued: 24
FRAWLEY
(pause)
There's no such thing as the Danny
Thomas show, it's called "Make Room
for Daddy", don't tell me comedy,
and if Rusty is a communist then
I'm going to beat the shit out of a
7-year old, I have no problem with
that.
VIVIAN
I'm done.
MADELYN
(to BOB)
That? Right there? Was funnier than
anything you've written so far this
year.
BOB
That's not--I've written plenty of--
MADELYN
No.
A heavy door opens and LUCY and DESI walk in--
DESI
(calling out)
Good morning!
LUCY sees someone at the table--DONALD GLASS, this week's
director--and stops DESI to whisper--
LUCY
(quietly)
Don Glass is directing this week?
DESI knows it's the wrong week for a director Lucy doesn't
like...
DESI
(beat)
We'll be fine.
(to the GROUP)
You're wondering what's goin' on.
JESS
No matter what's going on, we all
support you a thousand percent.
FRAWLEY
I'd like to find out what's going
on before I make that commitment.
21.
Continued: 24
DESI
Here it is. A long time ago Lucy
accidentally checked the wrong box
on her voter registration. That's
the first act of a new episode
right there.
BOB
"Lucy Gets Blacklisted".
DESI
That's not a joke, Bob.
BOB
(chastised)
You made the joke, I just put the
button--
DESI
(over BOB)
Last week she testified in a closed
session. She was cleared. Yeah? She
was cleared. I don't know where
Winchell got his information but it
was wrong. And as you can see, it
was not picked up by any newspaper.
So let's do our show. Yeah? Let's
just do our show. Jess, it's your
stage.
JESS
I Love Lucy, Episode two-oh-four.
Season 2, Episode 4. "Ethel and
Fred Fight". Teleplay by Bob
Carroll, Madelyn Pugh and myself.
FRAWLEY
It took three of you to write this
one?
JESS
And directing this week, Donald
Glass is back with us so let's give
him a hand.
Everyone CLAPS...
DONALD
It's good to be back.
JESS
Act I, "Interior, the Ricardo's
living room, night."
22.
Continued: 24
LUCY
Excuse me. Donald?
DONALD
Yes.
LUCY
Good morning, I'm Lucille Ball.
DONALD
I sure know that, Lucy.
LUCY
I wanted to make sure `cause you
haven't been here in a while. Is it
because you've been going through
puberty?
DONALD
I look young, yes, but I went
through it a long time ago and I
haven't been here because I've been
directing at Danny Thomas.
FRAWLEY
With the communist kid? Fuck off.
VIVIAN
Jesus Christ.
LUCY
You don't have to fuck off, but you
do have to know that Danny does
jokes and few people do it better.
I do physical comedy.
DONALD
I've seen every episode of the
show.
LUCY
So have 60-million other people--
(to JESS)
--are none of them professional
television directors?!
DESI
She's kidding.
DONALD
I can tell.
22A.
Continued: 24
LUCY
I'm hazing you a little, Donald.
It's just my way of saying I have
no confidence in you at all.
23.
Continued: 24
DESI
Alright, we haven't gotten off to a
great start this morning I think--
and I have no idea what the fuck
you were talkin' about, Bill--
VIVIAN
Ah, Des, I'm beggin' you, don't
ask.
DESI
No problem. I just wanted to say
that this show is made by Desilu
Productions, whose president is
speaking to you right now. And for
the next 30 minutes I don't want to
hear a word that isn't in this
script.
(to JESS)
It's your stage.
JESS
Thank you. "Lucy's putting the
finishing touches on a fancy dinner
table--good china, silver, etc."
MADELYN
The table's set for four but there
are only three chairs, I should've
put that in the stage direction.
BOB
It's two chairs and a piano bench.
MADELYN
For a total of?
BOB
Three chairs.
We're going to start to go in and out of LUCY's head as the
reading goes on. She's imagining what each beat will be like
in its final form the way a chess master can see the board
twelve moves ahead. She can also see and hear what the
audience is going to laugh at.
JESS
Table's set for four but there are
only three chairs. "The door opens
and Ricky enters. Lucy doesn't hear
him. Ricky puts his coat down
quietly and tip-toes in back of--"'
QUICK CUT TO:
23A.
Continued: 25
25 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 25
LUCY RICARDO is setting the table as RICKY RICARDO enters,
puts his coat down and tip-toes up to LUCY--
CUT BACK TO:
24.
Continued: 26
26 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME 26
LUCY
Why not?
JESS
Sorry?
LUCY
Why doesn't Lucy hear him?
JESS
Well he's about to do the thing
where you cover someone's eyes and
say "Guess who?"
LUCY
I understand that it's a set-up, I
understand why we need Lucy to not
hear him, I just don't understand
why--in an apartment this size--
Lucy doesn't hear--or for that
matter, see--the front door open
when she's standing 12-feet from
it.
JESS
We'll work on that.
LUCY
Thanks.
JESS
"Ricky puts his coat down quietly,
tip-toes in back of her and reaches
around and covers her eyes with his
hands."
*NOTE: All dialogue for I LOVE LUCY will be in italics.
RICKY
Guess who it is?
LUCY
Bill--Sam--Pat--Ralph?
JESS
"Ricky reacts to this"
QUICK CUT TO:
25.
Continued: 27
27 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 27
RICKY
No!
LUCY
George--Julius--Stephen--
CUT BACK TO:
28 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME 28
LUCY
Hang on. Are we supposed to believe
that Ricky believes that Lucy
really doesn't know it's him? That
Ricky believes that Lucy is not
only unfamiliar with his voice--
which let's not forget has a Cuban
accent--but that he really believes
there are at least seven other men
who routinely walk into their
apartment?
DESI
She has a pretty good point. She
has four or five pretty good
points.
JESS
We'll write a better joke or Ricky
will know that Lucy is joking.
BOB
We can change the names. Pedro,
Pablo, Jose.
(beat)
Because they're Spanish names. I
mean Latin names. They're Cuban
names.
MADELYN
Thanks for clearin' that up,
professor.
BOB
I'm just, you know--
JESS
"Ricky takes his hands away and
turns her around."
26.
Continued: 28
DESI
No! It's me.
LUCY
Oh yes of course. Uh...uh...
JESS
"She snaps her fingers and pretends
she can't remember his name."
DESI
Very funny.
JESS
"Ricky kisses her and then notices
the table set-up."
QUICK CUT TO:
29 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 29
RICKY
Hey--company for dinner?
LUCY
Uh-huh.
RICKY
Who is it?
30 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME 30
JESS
"Lucy elaborately ignores him."
31 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 31
LUCY
How do you like the water glasses?
RICKY
Who's coming to dinner, Lucy?
LUCY
Doesn't the table look beautiful
tonight?
27.
Continued: 32
32 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME 32
JESS
"She tries to make her way past him
on her way to the kitchen but he
holds out his hands and blocks the
way."
33 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM -NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 33
RICKY
Lucy, who is it?
LUCY
Some people.
RICKY
Whom--whom is coming for dinner
here tonight?
LUCY
Whom? You mean besides meem and
youm?
RICKY
Never mind that. What are their
names?
LUCY
Fred and Ethel Mertz.
RICKY
Wait a minute. What about that big
fight Fred and Ethel had? I thought
they were mad at each other.
LUCY
They are.
RICKY
I thought they weren't speaking to
each other.
LUCY
They aren't.
RICKY
I thought he was staying at the Y.
LUCY
He is.
28.
Continued: 33
RICKY
And she wouldn't let him in the
house.
LUCY
She won't.
RICKY
Well if they are and they aren't
and he is and she won't--how come?
34 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME 34
LUCY
(guilty)
Well--
DESI
(scolding)
Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo.
LUCY
Ooooooh. That's nice, but was the
rhythm getting old too early?
JESS
We'll work on it.
MADELYN
Because we want to live up to the
quality of the writing you were
used to at RKO.
There's an awkward silence in the room...
DESI
(pause)
That was gutsy.
MADELYN
(pause)
That was--it was a joke about the
writing at RKO and--
DESI
Yeah?
MADELYN
--not--obviously not an insult
aimed at Lucy.
29.
Continued: 34
LUCY takes a moment before she laughs a little and we
CUT TO:
35 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 35
OLDER MADELYN
Looking back it may have been an
insult aimed at Lucy. Which was
very unusual, Lucy and I were
close. But Jesus...we always did
notes after the table read, after
the CBS execs and sponsors had
left. Let us hear the whole script,
we're hearing the same things you
are, we have a week, we'll fix it.
36 INT. NIGHTCLUB - DAY 36
OLDER BOB
There was a Broadway show called
Too Many Girls and it was terrible.
36A EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 36A
OLDER MADELYN
Look, she was always tough on the
writing, she pressed down hard on
each beat, but that week it was
like her life depended on whether a
joke was a "B" or "B-plus".
37 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 37
OLDER JESS
One of the stars of Too Many Girls
was Desi. He sang a big rumba
number with a drum strapped over
his shoulder.
38 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 38
OLDER MADELYN
(shaking her head)
Too Many Girls. RKO decided to make
this very bad Broadway show into--
and I still can't believe it--an
even worse movie.
(MORE)
30.
Continued: 38
OLDER MADELYN (CONT'D)
They kept Desi in the cast but the
second female lead was replaced by
the queen of the "B" movies--
Lucille Ball.
39 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 39
OLDER JESS
A couple of days before shooting
started, Desi was on a soundstage
working with a piano and a drum and
Ann Miller. Here's what you have to
understand--A more handsome and
charming man than Desi you've never
met. So all the chorus girls were
standing around gawking.
40 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 40
OLDER MADELYN
And standing off away from the pack
of chorus girls is Lucy, who was
unrecognizable because she was
still in the middle of shooting
Dance, Girl, Dance where she was
playing a burlesque girl who'd just
been beaten up by her pimp.
41 INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY 41
OLDER BOB
So she was unrecognizable.
42 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 42
OLDER JESS
That's how they met.
43 INT. A DIFFERENT SOUNDSTAGE - DAY 43
DESI is standing by the piano singing "She Could Shake the
Maracas" as ANN MILLER improvises some steps and then builds
on it. CHORUS GIRLS are standing around watching and in the
back is LUCY--her face beaten and her hair all over the
place. Unrecognizable.
The music stops and there's a smattering of applause from the
group. A few CHORUS GIRLS step up to say hello to Desi.
31.
Continued: 43
ANGIE
Mr. Arnaz?
DESI
My name's Desidorio Alberto Arnaz y
de Acha III, but just my mother
calls me that. Desi.
ANGIE
I'm Angie, I'm in the chorus and I
wanted to say I'm looking forward
to working with you.
DESI
I'm looking forward too, Angie.
PATTY
Patty.
DESI
Short for Patricia?
PATTY
Yes.
DESI
Also in the chorus?
PATTY
Dancing chorus.
LUCY steps in...
DESI
And who's this?
LUCY
"Do you remember the first time we
met? You were rudely attentive but
now you're obnoxiously
indifferent."
DESI
(pause)
What?
LUCY
It's a line from our movie, dumb-
dumb.
DESI
Do we know each other?
32.
Continued: 43
LUCY
No.
Another chorus girl steps in--
DAISY
Desi--I'm Daisy. People are gonna
get confused.
DESI
I don't see no one confusing you
with anyone, Daisy.
The schmoozing continues as LUCY disappears...
44 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - LATER 44
The stage is empty except for DESI and the PIANIST. DESI's
playing a lullaby on his guitar and singing in Spanish.
LUCY's standing in the giant doorway, framed by the setting
sunlight. She looks beautiful now.
She enjoys the song for a moment before DESI looks up and
immediately stops--stunned by this woman.
LUCY
"Do you remember the first time we
met?"
DESI
If we'd met, I'd remember.
LUCY
"You were rudely attentive but now
you're obnoxiously--
DESI
Wait! That was you?!
LUCY
--indifferent", that was me, yeah.
DESI
This studio has talented make-up
artists.
33.
Continued: 44
LUCY
"I'm Angie, I'm in the chorus, and
I just wanted to say that when I
drink I take my clothes off." I'm
so curious I have to ask--how did
you know that Patty was short for
Patricia?
DESI
I'm Desidorio Alberto--
LUCY
I don't have that kinda time.
DESI
And you're Lucille Ball.
LUCY
Use a line on me you've never road-
tested on anyone else. I dare you.
DESI
Would you like to learn how to
rumba?
LUCY
(pause)
Alright nice, and yes I would, but
there's absolutely no chance you
haven't used that before.
45 INT. CIRO'S - NIGHT 45
A small Latin band is blaring away, the dance floor is packed
and DESI's showing LUCY how to rumba, which she's pretty good
at.
DESI
(talking over the noise)
I want you to know I'm not trying
to be forward. I'm showing you this
because it'll come in handy for
your rumba number in the movie.
LUCY
I don't have a rumba number in the
movie.
DESI
No rumba?
LUCY
No.
34.
Continued: 45
DESI
That's a sign of a poorly written
screenplay.
LUCY
Well we should dance to something
else.
46 INT. CIRO'S - LATER 46
The band is playing a slow number and LUCY and DESI are
dancing close.
DESI
Why did you come to Hollywood?
LUCY
I got kicked out of New York.
DESI
Seriously.
LUCY
I mean it. I got kicked out of my
acting school for not being good
enough.
DESI
Get outa here.
LUCY
I won't. I got some modeling work,
I was hired and fired as a Ziegfeld
Girl but hired as a Goldwyn Girl
and that's what took me out here.
Why did you come to Hollywood?
DESI
The Bolsheviks burned my house
down.
LUCY
(pause)
So...a different reason.
DESI
Yeah.
47 INT. CIRO'S - LATER 47
The place is almost empty. LUCY and DESI are sitting at a
table.
35.
Continued: 47
LUCY
I'm older than you are.
DESI
How do you know?
LUCY
I asked. Please don't do the same.
But I'm a full-grown woman. I'm not
married. I don't have children. On
my best days I get cast as the
second female lead in forgettable
pictures. I don't mean to insult
you, I know this one's your
Hollywood debut, but Too Many Girls
is not...going to be part of the
Oscar conversation.
DESI
You never know.
LUCY
No, plenty of times you do.
Anyway...I'm several years older
than you are.
48 INT. DESI'S HOTEL SUITE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 48
The doors to the terrace are open and we can see the lights
of Hollywood in the distance.
DESI's sitting in a chair in the room with a guitar on his
lap. He's trying unsuccessfully to write a song.
DESI
(singing and playing)
"Lucille...
(beat--singing)
...there's not much that rhymes
with Lucille...
(beat--singing)
Bastille...but who'd write a song
about that?"
LUCY comes out of the bathroom wearing Desi's white dinner
jacket over her bra and underwear. She walks by DESI without
looking at him--
LUCY
I borrowed part of your tuxedo.
--and steps out on the terrace.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 36.
Continued: 48
DESI stares as she walks by, then stands up, sending the
guitar clanging to the floor.
DESI joins LUCY out on the--
49 INT. DESI'S HOTEL SUITE/TERRACE - CONTINUOUS 49
DESI
It comes with pants, but I'm
wearing them.
LUCY
Not for long, pal.
DESI
So...
LUCY
Yes.
DESI
Can I call you Lucy?
LUCY
(beat)
No, I think we should keep this
professional, don't you?
(beat)
I was kidding.
DESI
So was I.
LUCY
Oh. That was a nice, dry delivery.
DESI
What's your ambition?
LUCY
My ambition? For tonight? I wasn't
making that clear?
DESI
I don't mean ambition. What do I
mean?
LUCY
Goals?
DESI
No. Future. Dreams.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 36A.
Continued: 49
LUCY
What are my future dreams?
DESI
I should've stuck with ambition.
LUCY
Are you interviewing me?
DESI
Yeah.
LUCY
(pause)
Okay. I live in a small house.
DESI
And your ambition is to live in a
bigger house.
LUCY
My ambition is to live in a home.
DESI
(pause)
Like for old folks?
LUCY
Not a home, not an institution, a
home. With a family and dinner
time.
DESI
Can I ask an impertinent question?
LUCY
Are you going to ask me why I'm not
married?
37.
Continued: 49
DESI
No, I was going to ask you why
you're not a movie star. Why are
you playing the second female lead
in Too Many Girls?
LUCY
I'm a contract player at RKO. I
play the roles I'm told to play. My
career's gone as far as it's gonna
go, it's hit its cruising altitude.
I'm at peace with that. So I'd like
to be at peace. I want a home.
DESI
You have a lot more talent than the
roles you play have allowed you to
exhibit.
LUCY
Now how would you know I have
talent?
DESI
Because I have talent. You could be
a serious actress, you should be a
star by now. But--
LUCY
(beat)
But what?
DESI
There's also something about your
physicality. You're--
LUCY
--half naked?
DESI
Sure, but...
LUCY
But?
DESI
There isn't an English word.
(in Spanish)
Dotada cineticamente.
LUCY
What does that mean?
38.
Continued: 49
DESI
It means you're "kinetically
gifted."
(beat)
No one's noticed that?
50 INT. DESI'S HOTEL SUITE/BEDROOM - LATER 50
LUCY and DESI are drenched in sweat as they devour each other
on the bed.
51 INT. DESI'S HOTEL ROOM - MORNING 51
DESI's in bed asleep. LUCY's standing on the terrace
thinking. She comes back inside and taps DESI on the shoulder
to wake him up.
LUCY
(quietly)
Hi. Sorry. I need to use the phone
to call my fiance.
DESI
Sure.
(beat)
Wait, what?
LUCY
It'll just take a second.
LUCY dials the operator--
DESI
Your fiance?
LUCY
(into the phone)
Outside line please.
DESI
Not that I haven't--it's just that
I got the sense that we--
LUCY
(to DESI)
One sec.
DESI
I thought last night--
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 39.
Continued: 51
LUCY
(into phone)
It's me. Hey, you don't love me, I
don't love you, you cheat on me
every chance you get and I pretend
I'm stupid. So I'm moving out. I'll
send someone to pick up my clothes.
Okay? Love you. But, you know, not
really.
She hangs up the phone.
LUCY (CONT'D)
I interrupted you, what were you
saying?
52 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY 52
The table read is ending--
JESS
And we fade to black. End of show.
There's light applause around the table--
JESS (CONT'D)
Thank you. Notes upstairs.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Back on stage in an hour.
Everyone gets up and exits except DESI and FRAWLEY, who stay
sitting at the table...
FRAWLEY
(pause)
It's madness.
DESI
Yeah? I thought you'd be the first
one to refuse to work with her.
DESI gets up to leave--
FRAWLEY
You mean that?
DESI
You're not fond of Communists.
FRAWLEY
I'm less fond of the Committee.
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 39aA.
Continued: 52
DESI nods and starts to go on his way...
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 39A.
Continued: 52
FRAWLEY (CONT'D)
Des. When the soldiers came. For
your family. How scary was it?
(pause)
You're giving me that look that
says, "I don't get scared a
nothin'."
DESI
(pause)
They killed all the animals. Not
for food, they just killed all the
animals. I still don't know why
they did that.
(beat)
(MORE)
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 40.
Continued: 52
DESI (CONT'D)
It's six-to-five and pick-em we've
already done the last episode of
this show. This show, everyone who
works here, Desilu, Lucy's whole
career--mine too--it may have ended
Sunday night and we just don't know
it yet. Are you outa your mind, I
get plenty scared.
DESI heads off...
FRAWLEY
(more to himself)
Fuckin' madness.
53 INT. LUCY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY 53
LUCY's sitting in silence on the couch, looking at a
newspaper. There's a KNOCK at the door--
DESI (O.S.)
Lucy?
LUCY
Yeah.
DESI steps in.
DESI
Madelyn was way outa line and I'll
talk to Jess.
LUCY
No, I don't care about that.
DESI
I care about it.
LUCY
You told them I checked the wrong
box?
DESI
Who?
LUCY
Before the table read. You told
them I checked the wrong box.
DESI
(pause)
It takes fewer words to say that
than the truth.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 40A.
Continued: 53
LUCY
But it makes me sound like a
simpleton who's ill-equipped to
participate in democracy.
41.
Continued: 53
DESI
It was simpler and it's nobody's
goddam business.
LUCY
Well, no, pretty obviously it's
everybody's goddam business.
DESI
You don't have to keep checking the
papers. I've got people who'll let
me know the moment an editor thinks
about it. There's something wrong
with the story, they know it, and
that's why no one's reporting on
Winchell.
LUCY
No. The Confidential story. That's
getting picked up.
LUCY puts the newspaper in DESI's hands as she walks out of
the room. DESI looks at the gossip column headline--
"Does Desi Really Love Lucy?"
BLACK
TITLE:
Tuesday
Blocking Rehearsal
54 INT. WARDROBE ROOM - DAY 54
VIVIAN's being fitted for a dress. It's more flattering than
what we're used to seeing Ethel in.
VIVIAN
I like this a lot, Tommy.
TOMMY
It's a great color for you.
VIVIAN
I really like this.
TOMMY
And I can cinch the back a little.
I can lower the neckline.
42.
Continued: 54
VIVIAN
Not on CBS you can't, but still,
now we're talkin'. Now we're
cookin' with gas.
TOMMY
Should I bring out some shoes?
VIVIAN
Yes please.
TOMMY disappears. VIVIAN checks herself out in the full-
length mirror. LUCY appears in the reflection. She whistles
her approval.
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
Yeah?
LUCY
That's a nice dress.
VIVIAN
I thought so too.
LUCY
Are you borrowing it from wardrobe
for a cocktail party?
VIVIAN
(beat)
A dinner party.
LUCY
Where?
VIVIAN
The apartment of Ricky and Lucy
Ricardo.
LUCY
This is for the show?
VIVIAN
Lucy's invited--
LUCY
Viv--
VIVIAN
I know, but listen. I'm thinking
Lucy's invited her to dinner, she
thinks she's being fixed up with an
eligible guy.
(MORE)
43.
Continued: 54
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
She'd want to look nice, it's
something new for the character.
LUCY
But the character's still Ethel
Mertz, right?
VIVIAN
(pause)
Yeah.
TOMMY's come back in with the shoes but heads right to where
a newspaper's sitting on a table. LUCY's hand casually gets
there first.
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
Hey. Don't.
LUCY looks at the paper and shows it to VIVIAN--
LUCY
"Does Desi Love Lucy Loosely?"
They took time on that.
VIVIAN
Isn't there enough going on with--
I'd be more concerned about--
LUCY
(reading)
"If neighbors hear screams of rage
followed by the sound of breaking
crockery coming from the Arnaz
house this month, they'll know what
is happening without having to
investigate. The red-haired Missus
has just finished reading
Confidential's report on--"
VIVIAN
In your life have you ever taken
this stuff seriously?
LUCY
I take my marriage seriously.
VIVIAN
And Desi said?
LUCY
(in DESI's voice)
"Lucy, I ain't been with no girls
since the moment I saw you."
44.
Continued: 54
VIVIAN
Then believe him.
LUCY
I do believe him. It's an old
picture, we were there together and
he was playing cards on the boat
Wednesday. You'd be more concerned
with what?
VIVIAN
What?
LUCY
You said, "I'd be more concerned
with--" and I cut you off. The
Winchell broadcast.
VIVIAN
Yeah.
LUCY
I don't get to choose just one, I'm
concerned with both.
VIVIAN
Understood. What about the third?
What'd they say?
LUCY
We didn't think yesterday was the
best day to tell `em about the
third.
VIVIAN
Right.
LUCY
We're doing it now. Jess first,
then the network and Philip Morris.
VIVIAN
Could be worse.
LUCY
How?
VIVIAN
You could be playing Ethel.
LUCY
Got it.
Salmon Rev. (04/28/21) 45.
Continued: 54
LUCY exits and we
CUT TO:
55 OMITTED 55
56 INT. WRITER'S ROOM - DAY 56
JESS, MADELYN and BOB are working at a large table with a
writer's assistant, MARY PAT, taking notes. On the wall are
ideas for future episodes.
MADELYN
Is Lucy on the phone too long at
the top? We only hear one side of
the call, are we staying too long
at the fair?
BOB
(to MARY PAT)
You don't need to write down
everything we say in here.
MARY PAT writes that down.
JESS
We'll know when it's on its feet.
DESI knocks on the open door and he and LUCY walk in--
DESI
Good morning.
JESS
`Morning guys.
DESI
(to the Writers'
Assistant)
Mary Pat, would you mind giving us
the room for a moment?
MARY PAT
Of course, Mr. Arnaz.
She closes up her notebook, exits and closes the door behind
her.
MADELYN
"Of course, Mr. Arnaz."
Salmon Rev. (04/28/21) 45A.
Continued: 56
BOB
(to MADELYN)
She's nice.
DESI
(to MADELYN)
You're in enough trouble.
LUCY
You're not in trouble.
46.
Continued: 56
DESI
We need to talk.
BOB
No, don't tell me--
DESI
No, we're still okay. No one's
picked up the story.
JESS
Alright. Looking at Lucy's face I
thought for sure--
LUCY
I'm pregnant.
JESS
(pause)
That's not at all what I was gonna
say.
DESI
That's what we came to talk about.
We were gonna have this
conversation yesterday but other
things--
JESS
Sure.
BOB
Well this is a one-two punch.
LUCY
It's not a punch, I'm having a
baby.
MADELYN
What do we do now?
There's a long silence before LUCY turns to DESI...
LUCY
(pause)
I know it seems like no one said
congratulations, but that can not
be, as these are three of our
closest friends and colleagues.
JESS
Of course. Mazel Tov.
And they all begin congratulating Lucy and Desi at once--
47.
Continued: 56
ALL
Congratulations, Des./That's
wonderful news./
Congratulations./etc.
The congratulating quiets down into silence...
JESS
So---
LUCY
Yeah. With Lucie I was the size of
a phone booth. You've got about
seven weeks before you have to
start hiding me behind boxes and
chairs and another seven weeks
after that before I won't fit in
the frame.
JESS
What do you want to do?
LUCY
Do? Whatever there was to do we've
done it.
JESS
Where does that leave us?
DESI
Without a choice. Lucy Ricardo's
gonna have a baby on television.
JESS
(pause)
Des--
DESI
How many scripts in the bank?
JESS
We're five ahead of production.
We're shooting 4 and writing 9.
DESI
Four. No harm done. But whatever
script you're working on now,
Episode 9, scratch it. Episode 9 is
now "Lucy Tells Desi She's
Pregnant" and we work from there.
(pointing to a story idea
on the wall)
What's that one?
Salmon Rev. (04/28/21) 48.
Continued: 56
JESS
Which one?
LUCY
"Lucy Goes to Italy".
JESS
We want to send the four of you to
Italy.
LUCY
Why?
MADELYN
We think it'd be nice to get off
our set.
LUCY
No, why do the Ricardos and Mertzes
go to Italy?
JESS
A vacation.
DESI
They don't vacation in Europe, they
go to the Grand Canyon, they go to
Niagara Falls.
BOB
Work. Ricky's got a gig at a club
in Rome.
DESI
And what does Lucy do?
MADELYN
She stomps grapes. Lucy and Ethel
go to an Italian Vineyard--
DESI
Why?
MADELYN
We don't know yet--and they stomp
grapes.
We start to SLOWLY PUSH-IN on LUCY who's thinking about how
that might work and be funny...
DESI (O.S.)
This vineyard is located in the
19th Century?
49.
Continued: 56
JESS (O.S.)
They don't stomp grapes anymore?
DESI (O.S.)
No.
MADELYN (O.S.)
Okay, so they find the one vineyard
where they still stomp grapes.
In LUCY's head, we
CUT TO:
57 INT. ITALIAN HOTEL ROOM SET - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE) 57
LUCY
Come in.
An ITALIAN BELLMAN opens the door--
BELLMAN
Si, signora, you sent for me.
LUCY
Yes, I'd like some information
please. Are there any grape
vineyards around here? I want to
see how they make the wine. How
they pick the grapes--you know--
press the juice out with their
feet.
BELLMAN
There is one little town called
Turo where they still make the wine
that way.
CUT BACK TO:
58 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - DAY 58
MADELYN
Easy.
DESI
And why does she want to go to a
vineyard?
MADELYN
We don't know yet.
50.
Continued: 58
BOB
She has an audition for an Italian
movie.
MADELYN
What does that have to do with
stomping grapes?
BOB
The part.
CUT TO:
59 INT. EUROPEAN TRAIN COMPARTMENT SET - DAY(BLACK AND WHITE) 59
An Italian director is talking to the two couples--
VITTORIO
I should not have been staring at
Mrs. Ricardo, but she happens to be
just the type I need for a part in
my new picture.
LUCY
Who me?!
VITTORIO
Yes. The role of a beautiful
Italian red head who--como si dice--
steps on the grapes.
CUT BACK TO:
60 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - DAY 60
JESS
We'll get there. The point is, Lucy
in a vat of grapes for five
minutes.
LUCY
I can see it.
61 INT. VINEYARD SET - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE) 61
And we see LUCY, dressed in Italian peasant clothing,
performing the famous grape-stomping scene and it's
accompanied by AUDIENCE LAUGHTER--
First a WOMAN climbs into the vat and starts stomping on
grapes.
51.
Continued: 61
LUCY looks over the edge and gives us her squeamish face. The
WOMAN indicates with a wave of her arm that LUCY should come
in. LUCY cautiously climbs in and gingerly puts her foot on
the grapes. Her face reflects that this is a very weird
sensation. The Italian WOMAN is stomping vigorously and LUCY
looks like she's walking on eggs.
And now we see LUCY's POV--the bright lights, the cameras and
crew and the STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING...
CUT BACK TO:
62 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - DAY 62
BOB
What can happen in the vat of
grapes, what can she do?
JESS
It doesn't matter right now, we
need to get back to--Des, the
network isn't gonna allow it and
neither will Phillip Morris.
LUCY's still thinking about the grapes--
JESS (CONT'D)
Lucy--
LUCY
Just hang on.
63 INT. ITALIAN VINEYARD SET - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE) 63
But now LUCY's standing in the vat of grapes by herself,
breathing heavy. She's out of ideas. The AUDIENCE IS SILENT.
CUT BACK TO:
64 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - DAY 64
LUCY
She loses her earring.
BOB
Yes.
MADELYN
There it is.
52.
Continued: 64
JESS
What are you talking about?!
LUCY
In the grapes.
65 INT. ITALIAN VINEYARD SET - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE) 65
LUCY reaches up to check her earring, which is loose, and she
tightens it. Then she checks the other ear and feels that her
earring's missing. She looks alarmed as she realizes it's
down in the grapes.
The AUDIENCE HOWLS--
CUT BACK TO:
66 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - DAY 66
DESI
Push it to next year, they're not
going to Italy while she's
pregnant.
JESS
I'll bet you my next paycheck
against your next paycheck that CBS
won't even allow us to use the word
pregnant.
LUCY
(pointing to another card)
"Lucy Tells the Truth"
BOB
That one's Madelyn's idea. She got
it just seconds after I pitched it.
JESS
Folks?
MADELYN
Ricky bets Lucy that she can't go
two days without lying and we put
her in situations where it's hard
not to lie.
In LUCY's head, we
CUT TO:
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 53.
Continued: 67
67 INT. RICARDO'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 67
LUCY
There! It's started. For the next
48 hours.
ETHEL
I can hardly wait to hear you
tomorrow afternoon, Lucy.
LUCY
Why?
ETHEL
We're going over to Carolyn's to
play bridge, remember?
LUCY
Oh no! Oh no! I can't spend the
afternoon with three women and tell
the truth. I'll call Carolyn and
tell her I'm sick.
68 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - SAME TIME 68
MADELYN
After 41 hours she's winning, but
in the final hour--
BOB
Here it is.
MADELYN
--Ricky gets a visit from the IRS
and the guy wants to ask about some
questionable things Ricky's
claiming on his deductions. Lucy's
sitting in the living room too and
of course when she's asked by the
IRS agent to corroborate, she can't
tell a lie, so--
LUCY
That's a funny premise.
JESS
Yes it is.
DESI
But lose the IRS scene.
BOB
It could be a good scene.
54.
Continued: 68
MADELYN
He's correct. Once I write it it
could be good.
DESI
Ricky Ricardo loves America. He
loves being an American. He's
grateful to this country and he'd
never cheat on his taxes.
BOB
It's very relatable. Everyone does.
DESI
I don't. Neither does Ricky.
Especially when his wife is accused
of being un-American. Look for
something else and start working on
the first pregnancy show.
JESS
Listen to me!
(pause)
They're not going to let us do it.
DESI
Let that be my problem.
JESS
I wish I could, Des, but it's very
much my problem. So instead of
talking about goddamn grapes--Look,
what you got to understand is--
LUCY
Jess? They're free to take us off
the air for the rest of the year
while continuing to pay our
contracts and answering questions
about why motherhood is too
salacious to put on CBS, but
something tells me they're not
gonna go that route. Instead, I
think Broadcast Standards and
Practices will give you a list of
insane restrictions, which might
even include you winning your bet
with Desi, and which I have no
doubt the three of you will
navigate beautifully.
(to DESI)
You told me to be nice. Good?
55.
Continued: 68
DESI
Yeah.
LUCY exits...
DESI (CONT'D)
I don't care what your first
thoughts out of the gate were, but
your first words out of the gate
were no good.
(to MADELYN)
And what was with you at the table
read?
MADELYN
I'm sorry, she was jumping on every
stage direction.
DESI
It's her process.
MADELYN
But that process usually happens in
private. And following your advice,
maybe every once in a while, the
first words out of her mouth could
be "good script."
DESI
Is this the right week for this
shit?
JESS
Hey--
MADELYN
We do seem to be having some
success, no?
JESS
(to DESI)
Look, we're all tired from working
on this week's script.
DESI
Are you sleepy? You need a nap?
JESS
Can I talk to you a second, boss?
DESI
Sure.
They step into--
56.
Continued: 69
69 INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS 69
--where JESS closes the office door. They speak quietly.
JESS
I'm the executive producer of this
show. You can't manhandle me like
that in front of people, you just
can't do it. My show. And Madelyn
was a hundred percent right.
DESI
Ricky pays his taxes.
JESS
I get it.
DESI
And we're having the baby on the
show.
JESS
There's no chance they say yes.
DESI
There's no chance they say yes to
you.
DESI heads off and we
CUT TO:
70 INT. SOUNDSTAGE/I LOVE LUCY SET - DAY 70
We're in the Ricardo's living room set where the cast and
DONALD the director are in the middle of rehearsal. The
actors hold their scripts.
DONALD
Back to right before Vivian's
entrance. "When do we eat?" Settle,
and action.
FRAWLEY
When do we eat? I've been living on
peanut butter sandwiches.
DONALD
Bill, that line's gotta take you
over to the table.
FRAWLEY
Hm?
57.
Continued: 70
DONALD
You need to cross to the table on
that.
FRAWLEY
Why?
LUCY
So you can see the table, notice
that a fourth place is set and say
your next line.
FRAWLEY
Somebody else coming?
LUCY
Well Fred, I took the liberty of
asking a young lady to be your
dinner companion.
FRAWLEY
A young lady?
LUCY
A cute young chick.
FRAWLEY
Oh boy, bring her on.
LUCY
Hang on, let's go back. After I say
"I took the liberty of asking a
young lady to be your dinner
companion", Ricky should take a sip
from a glass of water on the table
to keep from laughing. Then when I
say, "A cute young chick", Ricky
can choke on his water a little.
DESI
I like that.
VIVIAN
I like it too. The very idea that
Ethel's a cute young chick should
make Desi choke.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
(to the DIRECTOR)
That's 15.
DONALD
Okay.
58.
Continued: 70
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
(calling out)
That's 15 minutes!
LUCY
I'll be funny by Friday.
FRAWLEY
(to VIVIAN)
And when can we expect you to be
funny?
VIVIAN says nothing as we
CUT TO:
71 INT. LUCY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY 71
LUCY and DESI walk in and DESI closes the door behind him and
LUCY starts in right away with an opening paragraph she's
committed to memory--
LUCY
"Exactly what makes a husband leave
home is something that has been
baffling wives since Adam and Eve--
"
DESI
Enough.
LUCY
"For an outstanding example, let's
take one of the nation's most
famous husbands--"
DESI
You've memorized it?
LUCY
I've memorized worse writing than
this.
DESI
Yes, it's a tabloid.
LUCY
"With a curvy, red-haired tidbit
like Lucy waiting for him at home,
would Desi--"
DESI
Stop it.
59.
Continued: 71
LUCY
"--be foolish enough to prowl
Hollywood like a bachelor wolf and,
if so, why?"
DESI
It's made--
LUCY
Twenty-million readers want to
know.
DESI
Lucy--
LUCY
Twenty-million and one.
DESI
How many times I gotta `splain
where I was and what I was doing?
LUCY
How many times you gotta `splain?
DESI
I can't get enough of that joke.
LUCY
They document an entire night.
Someone in your gang's a rat.
DESI
My gang. The night they're talkin'
about I was with Red Skelton and
Xavier Cugat. Which one of `em you
think squealed?
LUCY
They made it up from nothing.
DESI
I heard on Winchell the other night
that you were a Communist.
LUCY
(pause)
That was true, you idiot!
DESI
Yeah. That was a bad example.
LUCY
And I didn't check the wrong box.
60.
Continued: 71
DESI
Okay, I'm sorry about that.
LUCY
I believe you, I was just messin'
around.
DESI
Good.
LUCY
No, that gets you outa the woods
but it puts you into other woods.
DESI
What are the other woods.
LUCY
You don't come home anymore, did
you know that?
DESI
You change subjects faster than--
LUCY
Keep up, it's not hard. I asked did
you know you don't come home
anymore?
DESI
Of course I come home. Sometimes I
go to the boat and play cards. We
drink, it goes late, it's easier to
sleep on the boat.
LUCY
That used to be once a week. Then
twice and now it's four or five
times. I go home after work and you
go to the boat.
(beat)
You once asked me what my ambition
was, you remember? And you liked my
answer.
72 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 72
OLDER MADELYN
She used the word "home" a lot. She
talked about having a home. Lucy
owned three houses, but sometimes,
when she fell into a funk, she'd
say she didn't have a home.
(MORE)
61.
Continued: 72
OLDER MADELYN (CONT'D)
But she wasn't in a funk that week.
She was on fire.
73 INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY 73
OLDER BOB
They eloped, they bought a ranch in
Chatsworth, they were deeply in
love and deliriously happy.
74 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 74
OLDER JESS
What you gotta understand is, they
weren't very happy.
75 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 75
OLDER MADELYN
They never saw each other. Desi and
his orchestra were booked at Ciro's
and Lucy was under contract at RKO,
playing the same role in every
movie--none of which left much of a
footprint on American cinema. Desi
would be done with work around 4AM
and Lucy needed to be in hair and
make-up at 5AM so they'd meet at
the top of Mulholland.
CUT TO:
76 INT. CIRO'S - NIGHT 76
DESI's singing "Babalu", backed up by his orchestra. The
women are particularly enjoying it. He finishes with a
flourish and to healthy applause.
77 EXT. CIRO'S/BACK ENTRANCE - NIGHT 77
A group of ATTRACTIVE WOMEN are waiting at the back door,
sitting on the hoods of their cars and passing around a few
bottles of champagne with a few of the musicians. DESI comes
out and they start cheering--
DESI
What do we have here?
62.
Continued: 77
MUSICIAN
A lot of choices.
DESI
There's only one choice for me and
she's got a powerful right hook.
DESI's handed a bottle of champagne--
WOMAN
My friend and I saw the midnight
show and the 2AM.
78 EXT. MULHOLLAND DRIVE - DAWN 78
LUCY's leaning against her car, waiting with the engine
running and the headlights on. After a moment a pair of
headlights appear from the opposite direction. DESI pulls up
and gets out in his white dinner jacket and untied bow-tie.
DESI
Good morning.
LUCY
I did the calculation. In the
course of one week, I see you
1/20th as much as your second
trombone player.
DESI
Learn to play the trombone and I'll
give you his job.
LUCY
Well...how hard is the trombone?
DESI
Maybe it'd be better if we didn't
spend the little time we have
arguing about why we don't have
more time.
LUCY
Don't make me feel like a bitch
because I want to see my husband.
DESI
I could stay home and be kept by my
wife. That'd really complete the
picture Americans have of Cuban
men.
63.
Continued: 78
LUCY
What home are you talking about?
DESI
Or you could quit the film business
and just be my wife, but you ain't
gonna do that, right?
LUCY
No.
DESI
How `bout you come to the club more
to watch the show?
LUCY
I had a new picture open five days
ago--you really want me to come
down to the club?
DESI
Why not?
LUCY
(pause)
Okay.
79 INT. CIRO'S - NIGHT 79
DESI's back on stage performing "Cuban Pete" this time.
LUCY's sitting at a ringside table and DESI can see that
PHOTOGRAPHERS keep coming and kneeling in front of her to get
her picture.
80 EXT. CIRO'S/BACK ENTRANCE - NIGHT 80
The fans are waiting. After a moment, DESI comes out the door
with LUCY and all the fans immediately react to LUCY. They
want her autograph and LUCY hands her purse to DESI. DESI
clocks this turn of events as we go to
BLACK
TITLE:
Wednesday
Camera Blocking
64.
Continued: 81
81 INT. VIVIAN'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY 81
VIVIAN, a dancer by training, is stretching on the floor.
There's a knock on the door--
VIVIAN
Come on in.
MADELYN enters with a plate of food on a tray.
MADELYN
Good morning.
VIVIAN
Hey Maddy.
MADELYN
Some week, huh? Lucille Ball's a
threat to the American way of life?
She's a threat to writers, camera
operators and Desi, but it really
stops there. Have you ever had a
week like this?
VIVIAN
No. But we work in Hollywood and
something tells me we're all gonna
have weeks like this before that
committee's done.
MADELYN
(meaning the stretch)
Look what you can still do.
VIVIAN
Still?
MADELYN
I regretted it even before I said
it. I can't do that and I'm just
impressed.
VIVIAN
What's in your hand?
MADELYN
I brought you some breakfast from
the commissary. They told me you
didn't have any.
VIVIAN
I did. I had a cup of coffee and
half a grapefruit.
65.
Continued: 81
MADELYN
Well I have French toast, bacon,
eggs and potatoes.
VIVIAN
Enjoy it.
MADELYN
It's for you.
VIVIAN
That was very sweet but no thank
you.
MADELYN
Is it me or have you lost a little
weight?
VIVIAN
I have.
MADELYN
Well you look great.
VIVIAN
Thank you.
MADELYN
I'll see you on stage.
VIVIAN
Madelyn?
MADELYN
Yeah.
VIVIAN
Who told you I didn't have any
breakfast?
MADELYN
I'm sorry?
VIVIAN
You said, "They told me you didn't
have any."
MADELYN
(beat--shakes her head)
I don't know. I think-- It was
Tino. The tall waiter.
66.
Continued: 81
VIVIAN
(pause)
Okay.
MADELYN leaves. VIVIAN sits a moment before--
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
(pause--to herself)
Jesus Christ.
CUT TO:
82 INT. DESI'S OFFICE - DAY 82
JOE, HOWARD, ROGER, TIP--the CBS and Philip Morris executives
we met earlier, are seated where they were before with DESI
leaning against the edge of his desk and LUCY sitting in his
chair.
JOE
Day 3 and still no pick-up on the
Winchell story. Fellas, I think we
might be outta this.
ROGER
Might be.
TIP
Might be. Howard?
HOWARD
There's another shoe and none of us
are getting outa this alive.
JOE
Howard--
HOWARD
They're uncovering something new,
they're chasing the original
testimony, something, but there's
another shoe.
LUCY
There's nothing to uncover, there
are no more shoes.
DESI
Lucy's pregnant.
LUCY
Well that.
66A.
Continued: 82
There's a long silence...
67.
Continued: 82
JOE
(pause)
What?
DESI
Lucy's pregnant.
JOE
(pause--then to LUCY)
With a baby?
LUCY
(pause)
Mm-hm.
ROGER
How, uh...I'm not sure what words
to use...how much pregnant are you?
LUCY
(pause)
Why did you think you didn't know
what words to use?
HOWARD
He means how far...as a percentage
of nine months--where are we on the
timeline of--
LUCY
Someone should point a goddam
camera at this.
DESI
She's twelve weeks pregnant.
JOE
(trying to do the math)
So that means...
LUCY
Twelve weeks ago I fucked my
husband.
JOE/HOWARD/ROGER/TIP
(simultaneously)
No, no, no, etc./That's not what we
were asking, etc./We don't need to
talk about the details of, etc.
DESI
She'll start showing in about six
weeks and a month after that there
won't be any hiding it.
68.
Continued: 82
ROGER
This isn't a problem.
DESI
It's not.
ROGER
This has happened before, I won't
say names, but it's been dealt
with.
LUCY
(to DESI)
Is he talking about having me
killed?
ROGER
No. You carry a basket of laundry,
stand behind chairs, sit with a
pillow on your lap--
DESI
And those are great ideas--
especially having Lucy carry a
basket of laundry in every scene--
ROGER
Or stand behind chairs.
DESI
Where in the Ricardo's living room
are the giant chairs you're talking
about?
JOE
Lucy and Ricky redecorate. The
writers can get some fun out of it.
And maybe they also get some large
ficus trees.
LUCY
They would have to be California
Redwoods and I'd have to stand
behind them anytime I wasn't doing
the wash.
HOWARD
Well what do you propose?
DESI
That the Ricardos have a baby.
69.
Continued: 82
HOWARD
(beat)
What do you mean?
LUCY
(to DESI)
I told you it was gonna be like
this.
DESI
Lucy Ricardo will be pregnant on
the show. An 8-episode arc starting
with Lucy telling Ricky the happy
news and ending with the birth of
the baby.
ROGER
Noooo, no, no, no.
HOWARD
We can't have a pregnant woman on
television.
DESI
Why not?
HOWARD
Because it's television. We come
into people's homes.
JOE
Pregnant women often vomit.
LUCY
I know I could any second.
ROGER
May I say something?
LUCY
Frankly, I can't wait.
ROGER
If Lucy Ricardo's pregnant, the
audience's mind immediately goes to
how did she get that way. Lucy and
Ricky sleep in separate beds.
DESI
We'll be pushing the beds together
too.
ROGER
Oh noooo, no, no.
70.
Continued: 82
HOWARD
I'm sorry, Des, we've gotta put our
foot down on this one. You can't do
it. End of discussion.
DESI pushes the intercom button on his desk--
DESI
(into intercom)
Miss Rosen, would you come in
please with a pad and pen.
(to the others)
My secretary.
MISS ROSEN steps in with a pad and pen--
HOWARD
What are you doing?
DESI
(to MISS ROSEN)
To Mr. Alfred Lyons, Chairman of
the Board of Philip Morris.
HOWARD
We don't want to bring Mr. Lyons
into this.
DESI
"Mr. Lyons, I guess it all comes
down to you. You are the man who is
paying the money for this show and
I will do whatever you decide."
HOWARD
Mr. Lyons doesn't get involved at
this level.
DESI
"There's only one thing I want to
make certain that you understand."
HOWARD
Desi--
DESI
"We've given you the number one
show on television and up until now
the creative decisions have been in
our hands. They are now telling us
that Lucy and Ricky can't have a
baby on the show."
71.
Continued: 82
HOWARD
That's not exactly what we said.
DESI
"All I ask from you, if you agree
with them, is that you inform them
that we will not accept them
telling us what not to do unless,
beginning with our next episode,
they also tell us what to do.
(beat)
Sincerely, etc. Thank you and send
it by telegram please.
MISS ROSEN
Yes sir.
MISS ROSEN exits.
LUCY
And that wasn't even why I married
him.
LUCY gets up and before she walks out the door with DESI, she
pulls him to her and gives him a passionate kiss for the
benefit of the executives.
LUCY (CONT'D)
That was.
LUCY exits and DESI gives a small "What can I say?" shrug to
the execs before heading out the door and we
CUT TO:
83 INT. "I LOVE LUCY" SET/RICARDO'S LIVING ROOM - DAY 83
FRAWLEY and VIVIAN ("FRED" and "ETHEL") are locked in a coat.
Each has one arm in a sleeve and Lucy's tied the coat closed
with a scarf. We're in the middle of camera rehearsal.
ETHEL
Lucy, let me out of here!
FRAWLEY
Untie this coat!
LUCY
I'm not letting you out until you
kiss and make up.
72.
Continued: 83
ETHEL
I'll never make up with him after
the things he said.
FRAWLEY
How about the things you said to
me? You said my mother looked like
a weasel.
LUCY
Apologize, Ethel. Tell him you're
sorry.
ETHEL
Alright. I'm sorry your mother
looks like a weasel.
LUCY
Now Ethel.
ETHEL
Well I can't help it. He should
have more consideration. After all,
I gave him the best years of my
life.
FRAWLEY
These were the best?
DESI
Alright, now you're even.
(to "ETHEL")
What are your conditions for making
up?
LUCY
We should really go back to the
dinner table.
DONALD
What was that?
LUCY
We should go back to the dinner
table.
DONALD
I think given the time we should
move on. It was good.
LUCY
Yeah, except no it wasn't.
73.
Continued: 83
DONALD
What.
LUCY
Good. It wasn't good.
DESI
Let's go back.
FRAWLEY
What's happening?
VIVIAN
She wants to go back.
FRAWLEY
To where?
VIVIAN
The dinner scene.
FRAWLEY
What?
VIVIAN
(shouting)
The dinner scene, ya drunken yontz!
FRAWLEY
Have we hired someone to play Ethel
yet?
DESI
Alright, let's go.
DONALD
Go forward or go back to the dinner
scene?
LUCY
Back.
DONALD
Page 15. This is still Scene A.
From, "You're right, he's not going
to do me out of dinner." Cameras re-
set. Props re-set.
As the cameras re-set and some crew members re-set props over
to a beautifully laid-out dinner table--
73A.
Continued: 83
VIVIAN
Someone's going to need to tell us
what was wrong with the scene in
the first place.
FRAWLEY
You were in it.
74.
Continued: 83
DESI
(knock it off)
Bill.
LUCY
Something fundamental was wrong and
I'll figure out what.
DONALD
I can figure out what, let's all do
our individual jobs.
LUCY speaks to DESI quietly and confidentially for a
moment...
LUCY
(whispering)
I hit him in the face till he's
bleeding, does our insurance cover
that?
DESI
(whispering)
Yeah, I got the platinum plan.
LUCY
(whispering)
Good job.
DONALD
Ready, ready.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Quiet please, reahearsal's up.
DONALD
From "You're right, he's not going
to do me out of dinner." Settle
and...Action.
VIVIAN
You're right. He's not going to do
me out of dinner.
LUCY
Good.
LUCY puts a roast down on the table, then takes a small piano
bench and puts it on the downstage side of the table. The
table now has four place settings but three chairs--one on
each end and one in the middle with its back to the audience.
LUCY sits at one end and motions "RICKY" to quickly sit at
the other end.
74A.
Continued: 83
LUCY (CONT'D)
Well sit down everyone.
"FRED" and "ETHEL" both come over and start to take the one
chair.
75.
Continued: 83
LUCY (CONT'D)
Oh, we don't have anymore chairs.
You don't mind sharing that one do
you?
They both sit down gingerly on the piano bench. They indulge
in a little jockeying for position. "RICKY" cuts a slice of
roast beef--
LUCY (CONT'D)
The roast beef should be pre-cut.
DONALD
It will be dear.
DESI
How is that, Ethel? Not too much
fat, is there, Ethel?
"ETHEL" looks at "FRED'S" behind--
ETHEL
There sure is.
LUCY
He means the meat.
ETHEL
Oh no, the meat is fine.
"RICKY" gives "FRED" a serving and "FRED" and "ETHEL" start
to eat while "RICKY" serves LUCY's plate and his own.
"ETHEL" and "FRED" are having trouble eating in such close
quarters and that's where the comedy is supposed to come
from. They jab each other with their elbows and vie for more
room on the chair until they both fall off.
DONALD
Perfect.
LUCY
Yeah?
DONALD
Moving on.
LUCY
Staying put.
DONALD
Why?
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 76.
Continued: 83
LUCY
We need to work out the moves at
the table.
VIVIAN
Bill and I can work out the moves.
LUCY
Viv, it's not that I'm not
confident that you can--
DONALD
This is camera blocking. We can
work out the stage business during
tomorrow's run-throughs.
LUCY
I'd strongly prefer we do it now.
DONALD
I have to exercise my directorial
authority.
LUCY
(beat)
You have to do what?!
DESI
Let's take a break.
DONALD
It's not time for a break.
DESI
Good then, that's 10 minutes.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
(calling out)
10 minutes, we come back to Scene
A.
DONALD
No we don't.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Maybe we don't, it's hard to say
People start to scatter...DESI speaks privately to LUCY.
DESI
Tell me what's happening?
LUCY
Hm?
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 76A.
Continued: 83
DESI
What's happening right now?
LUCY
You know what occurs to me? At the
top, it should be clear that I'm
setting a nice table, right? There
should be flowers in a vase.
QUICK CUT TO:
77.
Continued: 84
84 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 84
LUCY arranges flowers in a vase that's sitting on a well-set
table with three chairs.
CUT BACK TO:
85 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - DAY 85
LUCY
And I'm trying to get them just
right. And I cut one of the stems
but now it's too short--
86 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 86
LUCY cuts a stem but now it's too short, so she cuts the
others--
CUT BACK TO:
87 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - DAY 87
LUCY
--so I cut the others but now
they're too short and--
DESI
I get it.
LUCY
What do you think?
DESI
I think you're having a little bit
of a breakdown.
LUCY
I meant about the flowers.
DESI
Tell me what's happening?
LUCY
Why is this hard to understand? The
dinner table isn't working and we
need it to. Right there are the
building blocks of drama.
LUCY heads off. We FOLLOW her backstage and into--
77A.
Continued: 88
88 INT. DRESSING ROOM CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS 88
LUCY walks down the corridor toward her dressing room and
walks past Vivian's open dressing room door. She stops,
thinks, turns around and sticks her head in the door.
78.
Continued: 88
LUCY
Viv.
VIVIAN looks up from her dressing table.
LUCY (CONT'D)
It's not you or Bill. The dinner
scene. It's Donald Glass.
VIVIAN
Well...it'll be funny.
LUCY
I'm sure of that.
VIVIAN
Can't get better till it gets bad.
LUCY
Cross Step One off the list.
VIVIAN
(laughing a little)
Yeah.
LUCY
Okay.
VIVIAN
You hangin' in there?
LUCY
Look, we've made 37 episodes. You
do 37 of anything and one of `em's
gonna be your 37th best. Ours was
directed by Donald Glass.
VIVIAN
Honey...the committee...they're not
gonna base their findings on how
this week's show--
LUCY
Fuck the committee. I said that.
I'm talkin' about the show. And
unless you count his wardrobe, Don
Glass doesn't understand the moving
parts of physical comedy.
(beat)
That's all. My point is, you're not
the problem.
LUCY starts to leave--
79.
Continued: 88
VIVIAN
Luce?
LUCY turns back.
LUCY
Yeah.
VIVIAN
Madelyn brought me breakfast this
morning. French toast, bacon and
potatoes. She said someone noticed
I hadn't had breakfast. She said it
looked like I'd lost some weight.
LUCY
She's right, you look great.
VIVIAN
Madelyn's a staff writer. She
doesn't bring people their
breakfast.
LUCY
(pause)
I'm not sure what you're asking. It
sounds like she was just--
VIVIAN
How would she know I hadn't had
breakfast?
LUCY
(beat)
I really don't know.
VIVIAN
It was you, right?
LUCY
Yes. You have to give me credit.
When I lie, I give up on it pretty
quick.
VIVIAN
It's admirable.
LUCY
Thanks.
VIVIAN
You told her to bring me breakfast
and remark on my weight loss.
79A.
Continued: 88
LUCY
Let me explain why.
VIVIAN
Why?
80.
Continued: 88
LUCY
Because I think you should get off
this looney diet you're on.
VIVIAN
It's working.
LUCY
It's not good for you.
VIVIAN
I feel great.
LUCY
It's not good for Ethel.
VIVIAN
It's not.
LUCY
We're best friends, Viv, I don't
want to fight. I just sent over
some breakfast.
VIVIAN
You didn't just send it over, you
sent it over with Madelyn and a
message. And now a new message,
which is that I look too good.
LUCY
We just want you at the weight you
were when we cast you.
VIVIAN
Otherwise it'll be bad for Ethel?
LUCY
Yes.
VIVIAN
Or bad for you?
LUCY
Alright--
VIVIAN
No one's gonna stop loving Lucy
when you're pregnant. GI's don't
have your picture in their
barracks.
LUCY
Thanks for that, Viv.
80A.
Continued: 88
VIVIAN
I'm saying take it easy, that's
all. Everyone here stands shoulder
to shoulder with you and no one
feels funny `cause we're scared to
death and you're not helping by
jumping up and down on everyone who
works here and doing it in front of-
-
81.
Continued: 88
LUCY
Goddamit, Viv, most American women
look like you, not me, and they
want to see themselves on
television!
There's a tense silence before FRAWLEY opens his dressing
room door--
FRAWLEY
What the hell are the two of you
screaming about?!
LUCY
Nothing.
VIVIAN
Nothing.
FRAWLEY
I'm in my room taking my mid-
morning nap.
VIVIAN
Don't you usually do that while
we're rehearsing?
FRAWLEY
I'd love to see more of that Moss
Hart wit on the show.
VIVIAN
(to LUCY)
Don't worry about it. The weight
always comes back. I can't keep it
off anymore.
LUCY
(beat)
This conversation went poorly.
VIVIAN
I thought it was great. I
definitely feel like performing for
tens of millions of people now.
LUCY
Alright, so...okay.
LUCY steps out into--
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 82.
Continued: 88A
88A INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS 88A
LUCY starts to head down the hall--
FRAWLEY
Lucille.
LUCY
Yeah.
FRAWLEY
Come with me for a drink.
LUCY
It's 10am.
FRAWLEY
I'm sure it's 10:15 somewhere.
LUCY
We have to be back on stage.
FRAWLEY
I wonder if they'll wait for you.
LUCY
Bill--
A young P.A., Scott, is walking by--
FRAWLEY
Kid. Tell the stage Mrs. Arnaz is
taking some personal time and
she'll be back when she's back.
SCOTT
Copy that.
LUCY
(to Scott)
Probably 15 minutes.
SCOTT
Yes ma'am.
LUCY
And you should remind props that
I'll need garden shears for the
opening scene.
SCOTT
Copy.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 82A.
Continued: 88A
FRAWLEY
Let's go.
83.
Continued: 88A
LUCY
(still to Scott)
We have to establish right away
that I'm setting a fancy table.
FRAWLEY
You don't need to explain it to
him.
LUCY
(still to Scott)
We'll have flowers in a vase and
I'll cut one of the flowers--
FRAWLEY
He doesn't care.
LUCY
--it'll be too short. So I'll cut
the other flowers and then they'll
be too short and so on.
SCOTT
Got it.
LUCY
So I need garden shears.
SCOTT
Copy.
LUCY
Regular scissors aren't strong
enough to cut through the stems.
FRAWLEY
He's thinking a lot about killing
you now.
LUCY
Fine.
FRAWLEY
(to Scott)
Go.
SCOTT
Yep.
SCOTT takes off.
LUCY
Where are we drinking?
83A.
Continued: 88A
FRAWLEY
Across the street.
84.
Continued: 89
89 EXT. ALLEY/STREET - DAY 89
LUCY and FRAWLEY walk through the alley and across the
street.
FRAWLEY
It's raining. Is your hair gonna be
alright?
LUCY
I'm fine. Since I started doing
this show, rain bounces off my
hair.
FRAWLEY
That's helpful.
LUCY
I honestly had no idea this place
was here.
FRAWLEY
They like to keep a low profile.
LUCY
It's hard to imagine why.
FRAWLEY
After you.
LUCY
What kind of people go to a bar on
a Wednesday morning?
FRAWLEY
It's an eclectic group.
They walk into--
90 INT. DIVE BAR - CONTINUOUS 90
The place is empty except for maybe three people scattered
around. LUCY and FRAWLEY head to the bar where they're met by
a BARTENDER.
FRAWLEY
What are you having?
LUCY
I'll take a tetanus shot.
FRAWLEY
Jim Beam. Two times.
85.
Continued: 90
LUCY
I thought you and Desi had a deal.
You don't drink at work.
FRAWLEY
Desi and I have a deal that I won't
be drunk at work. Have you ever
seen me drunk at work?
LUCY
Would I know?
FRAWLEY
No.
(raising his glass)
Here's to your new baby.
LUCY
Alright then.
They drink.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Are they being polite or do they
not recognize us?
FRAWLEY
They don't own television sets.
LUCY
Why didn't I think of that?
FRAWLEY
Honey, I read seven newspapers
every day.
LUCY
Seven?
FRAWLEY
Yeah.
LUCY
When do you have time to do that?
FRAWLEY
It's 30 minutes between races at
Santa Anita, it takes me a minute
and a half to pick a horse.
LUCY
Aren't you at work?
86.
Continued: 90
FRAWLEY
Yeah we have bookies now and
telephones.
LUCY
Know all about that. Did a Damon
Runyon picture.
FRAWLEY
In none of those seven newspapers
have I read anything about Lucille
Ball being a Communist. I don't
hear anyone talking about it.
LUCY
Since when do you talk to anyone?
FRAWLEY
I got news for you, the less you
talk, the more things you hear and
I haven't heard anything.
So...problems at home?
LUCY
Problems at home?
FRAWLEY
Yeah.
LUCY
No, I'd like very much to have
problems at home but my problem's
not home that much. A few times a
week.
FRAWLEY
He was playing cards on the boat
Wednesday night.
LUCY
I know. The picture's six months
old and I was there when it was
taken. I'm saying why wasn't he
home? Where I and our daughter
were?
FRAWLEY
Your husband, Ricky--
LUCY
Desi.
86A.
Continued: 90
FRAWLEY
Desi--is in love with America like
no man I've ever known since George
M. Cohan, who loved America so much
he wrote the same song five times.
Okay? Desi loves America as much as
that guy. But that doesn't mean
he's not Cuban.
87.
Continued: 90
LUCY
I know that.
FRAWLEY
The world he's from has a very
narrow definition of manhood.
LUCY
I know that too.
FRAWLEY
The man is the man.
LUCY
Mm.
FRAWLEY
And you know what? Not for nothin',
but the women are happy.
LUCY
You've asked them?
FRAWLEY
They look happy.
LUCY
I see.
FRAWLEY
But that's neither here nor there.
LUCY
It really isn't.
FRAWLEY
He's mesmerized by you, Lucille.
And he misses you when you're in
two different places, he does, I'm
a witness.
LUCY
He doesn't have to, we live in the
same house.
FRAWLEY
He does have to, that's what I'm
saying. He has to spend time away
from you so that he can feel like
he's not--
LUCY
--second banana. I navigate male
egos for a living, bud.
88.
Continued: 90
FRAWLEY
Then why are you running the set?
(beat)
Why are you running rehearsals?
You're doing it right in front of
him.
LUCY
I can't prioritize the director's
feelings over the health of the
show.
FRAWLEY
No, not--I couldn't care any less
about Donald's feelings if I tried
hard. He's a hack but we'll
overcome that because, frankly,
we're not doing Uncle Vanya.
LUCY
Got it.
(beat)
But the business at the dinner
table has to be precise.
FRAWLEY
Really? I was only in vaudeville 40
years so I wouldn't know about
these things of which you speak.
LUCY
I know you know! So why do you care
if--
FRAWLEY
(over)
You did it in front of Desi...is my
point.
LUCY
(pause)
Lemme tell you something about
Desi. He runs this show. Every
creative decision goes through him.
Every business decision--the
network, Philip Morris--and if that
wasn't enough, he's camera ready on
Monday. It takes me five days to
get a laugh and he's killing at the
table read and that man, believe
me, is nobody's second banana.
FRAWLEY
How many people know that?
89.
Continued: 90
LUCY
Know what?
FRAWLEY
That Desi runs the show. How many
people know that?
LUCY
(pause)
There's me. And I just told you.
FRAWLEY
You get the picture?
91 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 91
OLDER MADELYN
There was a minute there when Lucy
was gonna be a serious actress in
serious movies. She was gonna
compete for roles with Crawford and
Hayworth. It might've been Lucy in
All About Eve and you know what--
she'd have blown the doors off the
place. It was almost like that. For
a minute there.
92 OMITTED 92
93 EXT. LUCY AND DESI'S BACKYARD/POOL - DAY 93
DESI's sitting by the pool reading a book, and, after a
moment, the back door flies open and LUCY runs out with her
shoes in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other.
She's disheveled desperately gasping for breath.
DESI
Lucy?
LUCY tries to say something but doesn't have the air yet.
DESI (CONT'D)
What happened?
LUCY
(barely audible--breathing
heavy)
Flat tire. `Bout a quarter mile
back.
90.
Continued: 93
DESI
You abandoned the car there?
LUCY
Sprinted the last five-hundred
yards.
DESI
What's going on? Also you ran with
a bottle of champagne in your hand?
LUCY
Bringing it...more festive. I got
it. I got the part.
DESI
Which part?
LUCY
I got the part, Des. The Big
Street.
DESI
(pause)
You said it was going to Rita
Hayworth.
LUCY
Scheduling problems. Then they went
to Judy Holliday. Scheduling
problems. I've got the female lead
in The Big Street.
DESI
That's tremedous.
(beat)
That's tremendous.
LUCY
(pause)
I'm opposite Henry Fonda.
DESI
When does it start photography?
LUCY
Two weeks. Still can't catch my
breath.
(pause)
It's Damon Runyon.
90A.
Continued: 93
DESI
I know, I read the script and I'm
very--I'm very happy, I was just
looking forward to you coming out
on tour.
LUCY
Rita Hayworth had scheduling
problems.
91.
Continued: 93
DESI
So did you.
LUCY takes a moment...then tosses her shoes aside--
LUCY
You don't think I want to be in the
same city at the same time as my
husband? What do I talk about every-
-
DESI
I know, I know that.
LUCY
Every decision I make is based on
being near you. Every single
decision.
DESI
Well, yeah. But obviously not every
single decision.
LUCY
You know how many years I've spent
sticking my head in the frame,
saying something bitchy and going
away? Crappy little roles in
pictures I wouldn't pay a nickel to
see if the theater had the only
available air conditioning. If The
Big Street is a hit I'll be getting
the roles that go to Rita and Judy
and Betty.
DESI
Which Judy?
LUCY
Holiday. Who's the baseball player
you talk about? The one that sat
down and let Lou Gehrig--
DESI
Wally Pipp.
LUCY
--start that streak? Gehrig was his
understudy.
DESI
Backup.
92.
Continued: 93
LUCY
And the guy took a rest one day and
Gehrig came in and didn't come out
for forty years?
DESI
Fourteen years and it was Wally
Pipp.
LUCY
Okay, well, imagine if Wally Pipp
had scheduling problems and Lou
Gehrig, instead of grabbing his
glove, toured with his husband's
Latin orchestra. It would've
changed the course of baseball.
DESI
And the course of Latin music.
LUCY
Rita Hayworth is Wally Pipp. I'm
Lou Gehrig. The Big Street is the
Yankees.
DESI
I understood the metaphor so long
ago.
LUCY
You don't have to tour. You could
stay in town.
DESI
And do what?
LUCY
Sell out Ciro's every night.
DESI
We're not a house band. I'd like to
sell out New York, Chicago and
Miami too.
LUCY
I know. Eight weeks. I'll come to
wherever you are on the weekends.
So it'll be important that you not
fall in love with someone else
Mondays thru Fridays.
92A.
Continued: 93
DESI
Agreed. And it'll be helpful if you
don't sleep with Henry Fonda or
Joseph Cotton.
LUCY
How did Joseph Cotton get into the
conversation?
93.
Continued: 93
DESI
I've heard rumors.
LUCY
You really want to compare rumors?
DESI
No.
LUCY
Yeah.
DESI
Hey, look at me.
LUCY
I already am.
DESI
They're rumors. I have never, and
will never, have an interest in
being with anyone but you.
LUCY
Should we open the champagne, take
our clothes off and go skinny
dipping in the pool?
DESI
That bottle of champagne is
basically a grenade now but all
your other ideas were good.
(beat)
Lucy, Jesus. You're gonna be a
movie star.
LUCY
You comfortable with that?
DESI takes LUCY by the shoulders...
DESI
Am I comfortable with that?
And the champagne bottle, which is laying on its side,
EXPLODES, with the cork shattering a wine glass.
LUCY and DESI stare at it...
LUCY
That bottle has comic timing.
93A.
Continued: 94
94 INT. CHARLES KOERNER'S OFFICE - DAY 94
LUCY sits on a couch in the waiting area. She takes in the
framed posters of classy hit movies and smiles a little to
herself. The SECRETARY notices.
94.
Continued: 94
LUCY
I've been at the studio for almost
ten years and I've never been in
the president's office.
SECRETARY
Mr. Koerner isn't the president,
he's the head of production.
LUCY
Second in command. Still. Higher
than I've ever gotten.
The SECRETARY's phone buzzes and she picks it up--
SECRETARY
Yes sir.
(to LUCY)
You can go on in.
LUCY gets up, straightens herself out and walks into
95 INT. CHARLES KOERNER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 95
KOERNER
Lucille. Charles Koerner.
LUCY
Lucille Ball.
KOERNER
Do you like Lucille or Lucy?
LUCY
Lucy's fine. I mean either's fine.
Lucy.
KOERNER
Alright.
LUCY
And do I call you Charlie?
KOERNER
Anyone as brilliant as you were in
The Big Street can call me Betsy
and I wouldn't care.
LUCY
Thank you.
KOERNER
Sit. Please. Right there.
95.
Continued: 95
LUCY
Thank you.
They sit.
KOERNER
That was a whole new side of you
we've never seen. Where has that
been?
LUCY
It's been buried under bad movies.
KOERNER
I've heard you make some form of
that joke before.
LUCY
Keep putting me in pictures like
Big Street and you won't hear it
again.
KOERNER
We're dropping your contract, Lucy.
LUCY laughs...
KOERNER (CONT'D)
No, it's not a joke. RKO's dropping
your contract.
LUCY
(pause)
I don't understand.
KOERNER
We don't have anything for you.
LUCY
(pause)
I don't--This is happening fast.
The Big Street was a hit.
KOERNER
It was a critical hit.
LUCY
I get there wasn't a stampede to
the box office, but you didn't lose
money, did you?
KOERNER
No.
96.
Continued: 95
LUCY
Do you understand the conditions
under which this picture was
finished?
KOERNER
It has nothing to do with--
LUCY
Damon Runyon left town before
principal photography, our director
joined the army during post-
production and our editor died. He
just flat-out died.
KOERNER
There were a number of obstacles.
LUCY
That's accurate. Did you read the
reviews?
KOERNER
They were very impressive.
LUCY
They were more than impressive.
KOERNER
Lucy--
LUCY
I blew Henry Fonda off the screen.
KOERNER
This has nothing--
LUCY
Henry Fonda, who is very much under
contract here at RKO.
KOERNER
As a matter of fact you blew him
off the screen `cause it was his
last picture he owed at RKO and
your director couldn't get him to
give a damn.
LUCY
Making my job that much harder.
KOERNER
This has nothing to do with your
performance in The Big Street.
97.
Continued: 95
LUCY
But it should have everything to do
with my performance in The Big
Street. I showed what I can do and
that's just the beginning of what I
can do. That's just the beginning
of it. I can do comedy too. Are you
sure this isn't a joke?
KOERNER
It's a tough business.
LUCY
I know that! I've been in it since
I was fourteen!
KOERNER
But you're 35 now.
LUCY
(pause)
And that's the problem?
KOERNER
No, the problem is that you're
really 39, aren't you?
LUCY
(pause)
Mm-hm. 39-year olds don't go to
your movies? They don't like seeing
stories about themselves?
KOERNER
You came through for us when Judy
Holliday and Rita Hayworth were on
other pictures and we didn't want
to lose Fonda. This studio has a
handshake understanding with Metro
and Warner and they'll loan us
Holliday or Hayworth so we just
don't have enough for you that
would warrant keeping you under
contract.
LUCY
Judy Holliday does one thing very
well but it's just one thing.
KOERNER
I know how you're feeling right
now, I've had to have this
conversation a hundred times.
98.
Continued: 95
LUCY
I'm surprised, `cause you're
terrible at it.
KOERNER
Can I make a suggestion?
LUCY
Be younger?
KOERNER
Radio.
LUCY
(pause)
The hell did you just say to me?
KOERNER
You've got the voice for it. I've
noticed there's a lot you can do
with your voice. You should think
about radio.
LUCY
You should go fuck yourself, Betsy.
LUCY gets up to leave and we
CUT TO:
96 EXT. LUCY AND DESI'S BACKYARD - NIGHT 96
LUCY's sitting by the pool, reading a script by a hanging
lantern and smoking a cigarette. She has a glass of wine and
there's an almost-empty bottle sitting next to her.
After a moment, DESI appears at the door...
DESI
Lucy?
LUCY
Yep?
DESI
What are you doing?
LUCY
I'm reading scripts.
DESI
It's three o'clock in the morning.
99.
Continued: 96
LUCY
I know. I'm drunk too.
DESI walks over to her...
LUCY (CONT'D)
I know why you like drinking. I
didn't get it until about two hours
ago.
DESI
You read any good movies?
LUCY
These are radio pilots.
DESI
Oh yeah?
LUCY
Yeah.
DESI
(pause)
You know there's nothing wrong with
radio. I do it all the time.
LUCY
You're a bandleader.
DESI takes that in, nods, gets up and heads back to the
house. He turns and calls back--
DESI
You know Bataan was a hit too.
LUCY
I didn't hear you.
DESI
Bataan was a hit. And I was good.
The reviews were Valentines. I
didn't bang a drum. It would've led
to better parts except I had to go--
what do you call it--fight World
War II. Now those crappy little
parts in pictures you wouldn't pay
a nickel to see if it was the only
available air conditioning in the
--
LUCY
Des--
99A.
Continued: 96
DESI
I can't get `em.
DESI heads into the house. We stay on LUCY a moment before we
BLACKOUT
TITLE:
100.
Continued: 96
Thursday
Run Throughs
97 INT. RICRADO'S LIVING ROOM SET - DAY 97
We're in the middle of a dress rehearsal. JESS, MADELYN, BOB
and others are sitting in the bleachers.
"RICKY" is helping "LUCY" through the front door. "LUCY" is
wrapped in bandages.
DESI
Honey--are you sure you're alright?
Are the bandages really fake?
LUCY
Oh I'm fine. Thank goodness the
Mertz's had their awnings up.
DESI
The whole thing was my fault.
LUCY
No, it was my fault. Weren't we
silly?
DESI
Yeah. We'll never fight again.
They kiss. "FRED" comes in the door looking very sad.
FRAWLEY
You okay, Lucy?
LUCY
Oh, I'm fine.
FRAWLEY
Are you sure?
LUCY
Yeah. Don't look so sad. I'm really
alright.
FRAWLEY
I wasn't sad about that. I just saw
Ethel and she's so mad about what
we did, she's gone home to her
mother!
LUCY
Oh no!
Green Rev. (03/31/21) 101.
Continued: 97
DONALD
And we cut. Good. Is that lunch?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
(calling out)
That's one hour for lunch.
DONALD
We'll do notes on stage after and
go again.
Everyone starts to leave--
LUCY
(stopping everyone)
One quick thing?
Everyone stops...
DONALD
(beat)
The table scene's getting good.
LUCY
Yeah, it's not, but I wanted to
circle back and express again my
serious concern about Ricky's
entrance at the top. I brought it
up at the table read Monday and
there haven't been new pages.
JESS
Because it's gonna work.
LUCY
Hear me out.
JESS
Okay.
LUCY
Right now Lucy's trimming the
flowers on the table when the front
door opens and Ricky comes in.
JESS
We're gonna have to cut the
flowers. I don't mean "cut the
flowers", I mean cut the flowers.
Green Rev. (03/31/21) 101A.
Continued: 97
LUCY
(pause)
I couldn't understand the
difference between those two line
readings.
JESS
We're running long. We have to cut
the bit with the flowers.
Green Rev. (03/31/21) 102.
Continued: 97
DESI
How long?
JESS
About a minute.
LUCY
Alright, we'll get back to the
flowers. The door opens, Ricky
comes in and Lucy doesn't see or
hear him, which is unusual because
the front door is--you know--right
there, and in previous episodes
we've established that Lucy's eyes
and ears are connected to her
brain.
JESS
We buy the conceit.
LUCY
I'm sorry?
JESS
We buy it. Lucy's so focused on
making the table nice she doesn't
even notice Ricky coming in the
door.
LUCY
Okay, I'll run with that. Ricky
walks up to her quietly, puts his
hands over her eyes and says--
She points to DESI--
DESI
"Guess who it is."
LUCY
And Lucy says, "Bill?, Sam?, Pat?,
Ralph?"
JESS
She's teasing him.
LUCY
Yes. She's teasing him. That's
clear. But then Ricky responds--
She points to DESI--
Green Rev. (03/31/21) 103.
Continued: 97
DESI
"No!"
LUCY
No! And there's a stage direction
for Ricky that says, "Burning". No!
He's upset. Lucy continues the
teasing--George, Julius, Stephen,
Ivan?
BOB
We changed that to "Pedro? Julio?
Juan? Guillermo?"
MADELYN
(imitating BOB)
"Because those are Spanish names. I
mean Mexican. Cuban. Latin. They're
Brazilian names! Turkish!"
BOB
You good?
MADELYN
Yeah.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
We're moving into a meal penalty.
LUCY
Lucy guesses some names.
JESS
Teasingly.
LUCY
And the script indicates that Ricky
then takes his hands away from
Lucy's eyes, turns her around and
says--
She points to DESI--
DESI
"No! It's me!"
LUCY
So my question again, Jess, is does
Ricky honestly, truly believe that
there might be eight different men
who routinely walk into their
apartment--all of whom sound
exactly like Desi Arnaz?
Green Rev. (03/31/21) 104.
Continued: 97
JESS
You think we're saying Ricky's
stupid?
LUCY
I think we're saying the audience
is. And that's something for which
they won't soon forgive you.
JESS
Do you charge for these lessons?
LUCY
A ton.
JESS
For the sake of the joke, the
audience will take the leap with
us.
LUCY
They will, but they'll need a
busload of orthopedists when they
land.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Jess--
JESS
Let's talk about it after lunch.
LUCY
I have an idea.
JESS
I've got a crew here. We're about
to run into a penalty.
LUCY
Lucy's working on the flowers.
JESS
We're cutting the flowers for time.
I don't mean literally cutting the
flowers--
LUCY
I can not go through that again.
Ricky opens the door, comes in,
shuts the door the way we've seen
him do in thirty-seven episodes.
Lucy doesn't acknowledge him.
Green Rev. (03/31/21) 104A.
Continued: 97
JESS
So far you're describing the
script.
LUCY
Right. But instead of playing the
hands-over-the-eyes guessing game,
Ricky just stands there.
(MORE)
Green Rev. (03/31/21) 105.
Continued: 97
LUCY (CONT'D)
He can't understand why Lucy didn't
notice him come home anymore than
we can. He stands there for a full
beat, and then another, and then
merrily and in a slightly
exaggerated manner says--as we've
seen him say a hundred times--
She points to DESI--
DESI
"Lucy, I'm home!"
Everyone LAUGHS, and once the laughter dies down...
LUCY
For Ricky is funny.
JESS
Luce? Let's talk about it after
lunch.
(to the A.D.)
Scott.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
(calling out)
That's lunch. One hour. Back on
stage for notes.
People begin to head off their separate ways. FRAWLEY catches
LUCY's eye and shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "What did
we just talk about yesterday?"
LUCY
(calling out)
Hang on!
Everyone stops...
LUCY (CONT'D)
Des. Did that work for you?
DESI
Works perfect.
LUCY
(to JESS)
We'll talk about it after lunch.
People start leaving again. As LUCY walks past FRAWLEY she
quietly says--
LUCY (CONT'D)
It needed to be fixed.
106.
Continued: 98
98 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - DAY 98
JESS, MADELYN, BOB and MARY PAT are sitting around the table.
BOB
I think we can get more out of
"hypocrite".
MADELYN
Yeah.
JESS
Like what?
BOB
Like Lucy says, "Well it's nice to
know I'm married to a hypocrite"
and Desi gets his back up and says--
MADELYN
"Hypocrite!" then turns to Fred and
says, "What's a hypocrite?"
BOB
Fred tells him-- "It's a person who
says one thing but does another"
and Desi says, "Thank you" and
turns back to Lucy and says--
MADELYN
"Oh yeah?!"
JESS
Good.
BOB
Yeah, that's exactly what I was
going to pitch.
MADELYN
But I pitched it faster.
BOB
By interrupting me.
MADELYN
How do you think I got to be a
woman in a comedy room?
There's a KNOCK on the door and LUCY sticks her head in--
106A.
Continued: 98
LUCY
Hey.
(to JESS)
Is now a good time?
107.
Continued: 98
JESS
Madelyn had a good idea. We shoot
it both ways and see which one gets
the bigger laugh.
BOB
That was my idea.
LUCY
It's a bad idea.
MADELYN
(to BOB)
It's just not your day.
LUCY
(to JESS)
Can I have a minute in your office?
JESS
Sure.
JESS gets up and walks out into--
99 INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS 99
JESS
What's wrong with shooting it both
ways?
LUCY
Well you'll be on the floor during
the show, right?
JESS
I'll be where I always am.
They step across the hall into--
100 INT. JESS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 100
LUCY
In full view of the audience.
JESS
I suppose.
LUCY
Since we're doing it both ways, how
about we do it once with your pants
on and once with your pants off?
108.
Continued: 100
JESS
It's not the same.
LUCY
It is, and I don't want to do the
version with my pants off in front
of two-hundred people. But I need
to talk to you about something
else.
LUCY closes the door.
JESS
You're not gonna tell me you're
pregnant again, are you?
LUCY
No. I'm still pregnant from before,
but no. Jess, you know how much I
value you.
JESS
I think I do.
LUCY
You know you do.
JESS
Okay.
LUCY
And you also know what it is Desi
does around here.
JESS
Sure.
LUCY
I mean every business decision goes
through Desi. In fact most business
decisions are made by Desi.
JESS
You married a very bright man.
LUCY
I did. He also makes a lot of
creative decisions.
JESS
(pause)
I'm not sure I'd say a lot.
109.
Continued: 100
LUCY
Well...I would. I'd say a lot. He
devised the camera system we use.
He's the reason the east coast
isn't seeing the show on a foggy
kinescope.
JESS
Yeah.
LUCY
And even though we use three
cameras, the studio audience can
see every scene, that's him too.
And the cast, the four of us, we
can see the audience.
JESS
I give him a lot of credit for
that.
LUCY
He's the one who thought up Lucy
being pregnant on the show.
JESS
That's never gonna happen `cause no
matter what CBS says, Philip Morris
is never gonna let it happen, but,
like I said, I give him credit.
LUCY
That's the thing though. You don't.
JESS
What do you mean?
LUCY
He doesn't get credit as an
executive producer, which, let's
face it, is what he is. You get
sole credit.
JESS
I didn't win my credit in a raffle,
I earn it. I'm the show runner, not
to mention being the creator of the
show.
LUCY
I don't see how we could do the
show without you.
109A.
Continued: 100
JESS
You absolutely could not.
110.
Continued: 100
LUCY
I don't see how we could do it
without Desi either.
JESS
Because he plays Ricky which he
does get a screen credit for.
LUCY
Jess--
JESS
Is this something our agents should
be talking about?
LUCY
No.
JESS
Because I'm not at all comfortable
with this conversation.
LUCY
I'm about to make you less
comfortable. I need you to help me
save my marriage.
(pause)
I need you to help me save my
marriage.
101 INT. WRITERS' ROOM - DAY 101
MADELYN and BOB are waiting along with MARY PAT...
BOB
(pause)
What do you think they're talking
about in there?
MADELYN
I think they're talking about you.
I think they want to pay you less
because you're not as funny as I
am.
JESS and LUCY step out of JESS's office--
JESS
Mary Pat, would you ask Desi if I
can come see him?
MARY PAT
Sure.
111.
Continued: 101
LUCY starts to head off and JESS slams his office door behind
him a lttle too hard. LUCY clocks that and then calls into
the writers room--
LUCY
Madelyn?
LUCY motions for MADELYN to step outside.
MADELYN
Yeah.
MADELYN steps into--
102 INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS 102
--and she and LUCY take a few steps away for privacy. They
speak quietly.
MADELYN
Was everything alright in there?
LUCY
Yeah. So listen, it has to be
coherent. If it's anything goes
then nothing's funny
MADELYN
Anything Goes was a hit.
LUCY
Not Cole Porter's Anything Goes, I
mean--
MADELYN
I know. Why are you telling me?
LUCY
The opening, Ricky's entrance with
his hands over my eyes, that was
Jess, right?
MADELYN takes a moment before--
MADELYN
Outside of that room we make it a
point not to talk about who wrote
what.
LUCY
It wasn't Jess?
112.
Continued: 102
MADELYN
(beat)
Again--
LUCY
You know I'm right about the logic.
Why aren't you backing me up
instead of endorsing some plan to
shoot it both ways.
MADELYN
Listen, why don't we get together
for a drink or a swim this weekend
and we can put it on the agenda.
LUCY
The show's tomorrow and I'm fine
talking about it now.
MADELYN
By all means, let's unnecessarily
add more to what you're worried
about this week.
LUCY
I'm not worried--
MADELYN
Shhh.
LUCY
(quieter)
I'm not worried. I'm saying that I
count on you to be the firewall--to
be--to make sure--just--logic,
okay?
MADELYN
I won't say who wrote what, but I
can tell you that I'm the lady in
there trying to make Lucy smarter.
LUCY
(beat)
`Scuse me?
MADELYN
I'm the one trying, every week, to
make--
LUCY
Lucy's dumb?
112A.
Continued: 102
MADELYN
(beat)
I didn't say that.
113.
Continued: 102
LUCY
But you're trying--struggling, it
sounds like--to make Lucy smarter.
MADELYN
I created this character with you.
LUCY
And she needs to be smarter.
MADELYN
She sometimes, for the sake of
comedy, is infantilized.
LUCY says nothing...
MADELYN (CONT'D)
This is a crazy week, time and
place to be having this
conversation. This is important to--
LUCY
How is she infant--
MADELYN
She literally says "Waaah".
LUCY
`Cause when she does, 60-million
people laugh--just like for Lou
Costello and Stan Laurel--and you
get paid.
MADELYN
When those two grown men play slow-
witted five-year olds, I cringe.
LUCY
Then I question your comedy IQ.
MADELYN
No you don't, you think I'm the
funniest writer in the room and
that's why you're talking to me and
not Jess.
LUCY
Many people regard Lucy as clever.
She always has a plan to overcome
an obstacle.
MADELYN
Yeah, but oftentimes that obstacle
is her husband's permission.
114.
Continued: 102
LUCY
You really think this week, right
now, is the best time to talk about
this?
MADELYN
No! I specifically said that 30-
seconds ago.
(pause)
Look, it's just a female
perspective from another
generation.
LUCY
Another generation? You're on a
roll.
MADELYN
Bette Davis, Bacall, Hepburn--
LUCY
Funny women.
MADELYN
--Judy Holliday--
LUCY
Judy Holliday? Go to hell.
MADELYN
They are funny women and they're
smart and tough and they outsmart
the men. Why do you and Gracie
Allen feel like you have to--
LUCY
Okay, stop. Stop stop stop. Maddie,
I love you. You're like, I guess, a
great-granddaughter to me from
another generation. And it's my
fervent wish for you that one day
you're half as funny as Gracie
Allen. In the meantime, please
remember that Lucy and Ricky and
Fred and Ethel, if they live past
tomorrow, have to live in a reality
that accepts the physical laws of
the universe. Ricky knows that Lucy
doesn't think there are possibly
eight other men in the apartment.
MADELYN
Understood.
114A.
Continued: 102
JESS comes out of his office and calls into the writers room--
115.
Continued: 102
JESS
Let's go.
MADELYN
(to LUCY)
But I don't make that decision.
JESS
Mary Pat, cut the flowers. And to
be clear, by "cut the flowers"--
BOB
She knows exactly what you mean.
MARY PAT nods that she does.
As JESS and BOB walk past MADELYN--
JESS
(to MADELYN)
Let's go.
LUCY's left standing there...
LUCY
(under her breath)
Judy Holliday. This isn't
happening.
103 INT. DESI'S OFFICE ROOM - DAY 103
DESI's pacing a little with a script in his hands, going
through his lines. He tosses the script on the couch and
lights a cigarette. Then paces a little bit.
There's a knock on the door--
DESI
Come on in.
MISS ROSEN opens the door--
MISS ROSEN
Mr. Oppenheimer is here to see you
with Mr. Carroll and Miss Pugh.
DESI
Nothing from Mr. Lyons yet?
MISS ROSEN
No.
116.
Continued: 103
DESI
Anyone at Philip Morris?
MISS ROSEN
No.
DESI
You think they know something we
don't know yet?
MISS ROSEN
I think if they did, our offices
would be empty by now.
DESI
Okay.
DESI calls out--
DESI (CONT'D)
Camina conmigo al escenario!
--as he heads out into--
103A INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS 103A
DESI
Walk me to the stage. We're an hour
behind.
JESS
Madelyn's got a new joke for the
second act.
MADELYN
I just this minute told Lucy that
we don't talk about who wrote what.
BOB
And Madelyn came up with the joke
only seconds after I did.
MADELYN
Isn't it possible that two comedy
writers working on the same script
came up with the same joke at the
same time?
BOB
It's possible.
MADELYN
Thank you.
117.
Continued: 103A
BOB
It's just not what happened.
DESI
Do I need to be here for any of
this?
JESS hands DESI a piece of paper. DESI looks it over...
DESI (CONT'D)
"Hypocrite?! What's a hypocrite?"
They turn onto--
103B INT. NEW CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS 103B
MADELYN
That's to Fred.
DESI reads the rest of the new joke...
DESI
Got it. Good. Was that what you
wanted me for?
JESS
The hypocrite joke is for Episode
9, that's the script we're working
on. If Lucy's going to be pregnant--
Lucy Ricardo--we have to introduce
it in 9 according to your
timetable.
DESI
Yeah.
JESS
So I just wanted to confirm with
you that there's no chance we're
doing that.
DESI
We are doing that.
They walk through a door and onto--
103C INT. STAGE - CONTINUOUS 103C
--where a piece of the set is being worked on by a couple of
of stagehands, lights are being re-focused and a camera is
being built.
118.
Continued: 103C
JESS
You know Phillip Morris won't let
us and even if they did--
DESI
What.
JESS
We don't want to see this girl
pregnant. We don't want to know
that she's pregnant. We don't want
to know how she got pregnant.
DESI
Do we have viewers who don't know
how women get pregnant?
JESS
Yes, they're called children.
DESI
Do any of these children have
younger brothers or sisters?
JESS
You know what else a lot of our
viewers are? Christian.
DESI
I'm way ahead of you. I'm gonna
have a priest, a minister and a
rabbi review every script.
MADELYN
I'm gonna be re-written by a
priest, a minister and a rabbi?
BOB
There's a joke in there somewhere.
MADELYN
Good, because after being re-
written by a priest, a minister and
a rabbi there aren't gonna be many
left in the script.
DESI
Good one.
JESS
Des--
119.
Continued: 103C
DESI
Enough. I sent a telegram Tuesday
to Alfred Lyons.
JESS
You did.
DESI
I've put the decision is his hands.
JESS
Okay. Okay good. Okay.
DESI
You're that sure he's gonna say no.
JESS
I am.
DESI
That it?
JESS
Yeah.
But everyone stands there awkwardly for a moment...
JESS (CONT'D)
Oh, Bob, tell Desi that thing you
were saying before.
BOB's now on the spot. He doesn't want to do this.
BOB
(pause)
Me?
JESS
Yeah.
BOB
Really?
DESI
Guys?
JESS
It was interesting. Bob was saying
that you're really the title
character of the show. Because
you're the "I" in I Love Lucy.
120.
Continued: 103C
DESI
(pause)
Hm.
JESS
So strictly speaking, you have top
billing.
DESI
(pause)
I'm the "I" in I Love Lucy.
JESS
Yeah.
DESI
I never thought of it that way.
JESS
You like that?
DESI
I like that.
JESS
Alright.
DESI
Jess?
JESS
Yeah.
DESI
(confidentially)
Patronize me again and I'll stick
my hand down your throat and pull
your fuckin' lungs out.
JESS
(pause)
Look--
MISS ROSEN, Desi's secretary, comes in with a telegram.
MISS ROSEN
Excuse me.
JESS
What is it?
MISS ROSEN
It's a telegram for Mr. Arnaz. It's
from Mr. Lyons and Philip Morris.
121.
Continued: 103C
DESI
Thank you.
DESI opens the telegram, reads it and hands it to JESS. DESI
walks away as he calls out--
DESI (CONT'D)
(calling out)
Let's go, please, we're an hour
behind!
MADELYN
What does it say?
JESS
"To all Philip Morris and CBS
employees: Don't fuck with the
Cuban."
104 EXT./EST. LUCY AND DESI'S HOUSE - NIGHT 104
The house is mostly dark with only a few lights on.
105 INT. LAUNDRY ROOM - NIGHT 105
LUCY has a basket of laundry in front of her. She's
separating whites and colors while working on her lines.
LUCY
(as "LUCY")
"Well he didn't come home and he
hasn't called...
("choking up")
...not that it makes any difference
to me."
(as "ETHEL")
"Oh I can see that it doesn't make
any difference to you. Why don't
you call Ricky and tell him you're
sorry."
(as "LUCY")
"What?! You think I'd allow my
pride--"
LUCY checks her script--
LUCY (CONT'D)
(reading)
"Do you think I'd swallow--
(as "LUCY")
"What?! Do you think I'd swallow my
pride like that?"
122.
Continued: 105
DESI appears in the doorway, holding their sleeping TWO YEAR-
OLD GIRL on his shoulders.
DESI
(quietly)
Never.
LUCY
Oh, what are you doing up?
DESI
I woke up and you weren't there. So
I went to the nursery to see if
everything was okay. She'd kicked
her blanket off so I fixed it. That
woke her up.
LUCY
Yeah.
DESI
But as you can see, I got her back
to sleep and we went searching for
mama. You know we pay a housekeeper
to do the laundry.
LUCY
I like doing laundry and I never
get a chance. Don't you love the
smell?
DESI
I do. They should make a cologne
that smells like soap.
LUCY
They do. It's soap.
DESI
I'm gonna put her back in her
little apartment now. You should
come to bed.
LUCY
I will.
(beat)
This was a nice date.
DESI smiles and nods...
DESI
Come back to bed soon.
DESI exits.
123.
Continued: 105
LUCY resumes sorting the laundry and running lines...
LUCY
"Do you think I'd call him and go
crawling back?"
(again)
"What?! Do you think I'd swallow my
pride?! Do you think I'd call him
and go crawling--"
LUCY notices something in the laundry basket...
LUCY (CONT'D)
(mindlessly, as "LUCY")
"What? Do you think I'd swallow my
pride like that?"
She's looking at a handkerchief that was in the laundry
basket. We can't see what's caught her attention but
something's bothering her.
106 EXT. LUCY AND DESI'S HOUSE - NIGHT 106
It's raining. LUCY walks out the back door, down past the
pool and leans against the gate, looking back at her house.
She stares.
107 INT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT 107
A cigarette is lit and from the light of the flame we see
LUCY sitting in the Ricardo's living room.
After a moment, the heavy elephant door opens and headlights
from a car stream into the soundstage. We can see from the
headlights that it's still raining. The headlights are turned
off and we hear a car door open and then close.
FRAWLEY
(calling)
Lucy?!
LUCY
Over here.
FRAWLEY
(to the SECURITY GUARD)
Thanks, Bobby.
SECURITY GUARD (BOBBY)
Everything alright in there?
124.
Continued: 107
FRAWLEY
We're fine, thanks.
The SECURITY GUARD takes off as FRAWLEY makes his way to the
set.
FRAWLEY (CONT'D)
What the hell?
LUCY
Thanks for coming down.
FRAWLEY
It's two in the morning.
LUCY
Sorry about that.
FRAWLEY
Kid, what's goin' on?
LUCY
I'm gonna re-stage the dinner
scene.
FRAWLEY
Let's go to my dressing room and
call Desi.
LUCY
No, Desi's home with the baby, we
can do this.
FRAWLEY
Does he know you're here?
LUCY
He's sleeping.
FRAWLEY
Let me take you home.
Another pair of headlights pull up to the open elephant door.
FRAWLEY (CONT'D)
Is that him?
LUCY
That's Viv.
FRAWLEY
You called her too?
125.
Continued: 107
LUCY
I'm re-staging the dinner scene.
This isn't for beginners, you know,
this isn't school.
FRAWLEY
I don't hire the directors.
LUCY
I know, I'm just sayin'.
VIVIAN
What's happening here?
LUCY
Thanks for coming, Viv.
VIVIAN
Is everything alright?
FRAWLEY
The three of us are on an empty
soundstage at two in the morning,
she's drunk, I'm not, so, yeah,
everything's good, why do you ask?
VIVIAN
Your call just said to come to the
stage, that it was an emergency. So
I thought--
LUCY
We need to re-block the dinner
scene, it's not gonna take long.
VIVIAN
What?
FRAWLEY
You heard her right.
LUCY
It won't take long, we're just
gonna make an adjustment.
LUCY pulls the drop cloth off the dining table.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Two people who are fighting have to
share a seat at a dinner table.
LUCY grabs the downstage piano bench--
126.
Continued: 107
LUCY (CONT'D)
First thing, why don't we take this
and move it upstage so the camera
can see you.
VIVIAN
Are we really doing this?
FRAWLEY
As a matter of fact, putting the
chair upstage makes sense.
LUCY
Sit please.
VIVIAN
Which one of us?
LUCY
Both of you. In the chair.
VIVIAN and FRAWLEY each take half the piano bench.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Now it can't just be a mish-mash of
pushing, it can't just be a scrum,
each move has to be articulate. So
Ethel elbows Fred.
(beat)
Elbow him.
QUICK CUT TO:
108 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE)
108
"ETHEL" elbows "FRED" as the AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
CUT BACK TO:
109 INT. SOUNDSTAGE/I LOVE LUCY SET - SAME TIME 109
LUCY
Fred elbows Ethel a little harder.
QUICK CUT TO:
110 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE)
110
"FRED" elbows "ETHEL" back.
127.
Continued: 110
VIVIAN
Ow.
CUT BACK TO:
111 INT. SOUNDSTAGE/I LOVE LUCY SET - SAME TIME 111
LUCY
Ethel elbows Fred harder--
She does--
FRAWLEY
Hey--
LUCY
Then Fred--
He does--
LUCY (CONT'D)
Now hit each other at the same time
and fall off the piano bench.
QUICK CUT TO:
112 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE)
112
"FRED" AND "ETHEL" elbow each other and fall to the floor as
the AUDIENCE HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER.
CUT BACK TO:
113 INT. SOUNDSTAGE/I LOVE LUCY SET - SAME TIME 113
LUCY
And that's that. Let's run it a
couple of times at speed.
VIVIAN
Did something happen?
LUCY
I'm sorry?
VIVIAN
At home. Did something just happen?
LUCY
No. I was--no. I was doing some
laundry and--no.
(MORE)
128.
Continued: 113
LUCY (CONT'D)
Yeah, I just wanted to fix this
beat. I couldn't sleep. It's like
when you're not sure if you left
the oven unlocked. Door unlocked.
Nothing, I wanted to fix this beat.
Let's do it again.
FRAWLEY and VIVIAN stand there quietly...
LUCY (CONT'D)
(pause)
You know I did this show so Desi
and I could be together? I had no
idea it was gonna be a hit.
I just thought...well, the
construction department's gonna
build us a little apartment and
that's where we'll live most of the
time. You know? And it worked out.
This is where--
LUCY draws the set in the air with her finger...
LUCY (CONT'D)
It's like a story you'd read a
little girl. A witch puts a curse
on a woman. She'll be adored by the
man she loves, but only as long as
she stays on this patch of ground.
(beat)
It's still a lot more than most
people get. Let's run it at speed.
FRAWLEY
I'm gonna drive you home.
LUCY
I'm the biggest asset in the
portfolio of the Columbia
Broadcasting System. The biggest
asset in the portfolio of Philip
Morris Tobacco, Westinghouse...I
get paid a fortune to do exactly
what I love doing, I work side by
side with my husband who's
genuinely impressed by me, and all
I have to do to keep it is kill
every week for thirty-six weeks in
a row. And then do it again the
next year. Kill. So let's do it
again.
129.
Continued: 114
114 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 114
OLDER JESS
I thought he'd like the idea that
he was the title character. That he
was the "I" in I Love Lucy. I
thought he'd get a kick out of it.
115 INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY 115
OLDER BOB
No, I knew that wasn't gonna go
well. None of us heard what Desi
said to Jess. I still don't know
what he said.
116 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 116
OLDER MADELYN
After RKO dropped Lucy's contract,
MGM had her in for a Technicolor
test, which she didn't know yet
would be one of the most important
moments in her life. A man named
Sydney Guilaroff was Metro's chief
hair stylist. He looked at Lucy and
said, "The hair is brown but the
soul is on fire" and he dyed her
hair a new color.
117 INT. RADIO STUDIO - NIGHT 117
A live studio audience is watching the radio broadcast of My
Favorite Husband. An "On the Air" light flicks to red.
ANNOUNCER
It's time for My Favorite Husband,
starring Lucille Ball.
And for the first time, LUCY's hair is red.
LUCY
(as "LIZ")
Jell-O, everybody!
APPLAUSE
THEME MUSIC
Cherry Rev. (05/02/21) 130.
Continued: 117
ANNOUNCER
Yes, it's the gay family series,
starring Lucille Ball, with Richard
Denning, transcribed and brought to
you by the Jell-O family of
desserts.
SINGERS
J-E-L-L-Ooooh! The big red letters
stand for the Jell-O family. Oh,
the big red letters stand for the
Jell-o family. That's Jell-O!
WOMAN
Yum, yum, yum.
SINGERS
Jell-O puddings!
MAN
Yum, yum, yum.
ANNOUNCER
And now, Lucille Ball with Richard
Denning as Liz and George Cooper--
two people who live together and
like it. As we look in on the
Coopers, it's a beautiful spring
day and Liz is just going to the
kitchen to talk to Katy, the maid.
LUCY
(as "LIZ")
Oh Katy?
KATY
Yes, Mrs. Cooper?
LUCY
(as "LIZ")
Katy, I've got some good news for
you.
KATY
Uh-oh.
LUCY
(as "LIZ")
"Uh-oh". What do you mean, "Uh-oh."
I say I've got good news and you
say, "Uh-oh"?
THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS--
Cherry Rev. (05/02/21) 131.
Continued: 117
KATY
Everytime you say you've got good
news it's usually good for you and
bad for me.
LUCY
(as "LIZ")
Oooooh well...maybe that's a little
true.
ANOTHER LAUGH, and we
CUT TO:
118 INT. LUCY'S RADIO DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT 118
LUCY's changing into street clothes. There's a knock on the
door.`
LUCY
Come on in.
JESS sticks his head in the door--
LUCY (CONT'D)
That was a good show.
JESS
I thought so too.
LUCY
Pass it on to Maddie and Bob, would
you? Great job this week.
JESS
I've got two gentlemen out here
who'd like to see you and you're
gonna want to hear what they have
to say.
LUCY
(beat)
Did it need to sound ominous, can't
they just come in?
JESS walks in with two executives--LEVY and HART.
LEVY
Lucille Ball.
LUCY
Yes sir.
132.
Continued: 118
LEVY
David Levy, head of comedy
development, CBS.
HART
David Hart, head of current
programming, CBS.
LUCY
Uhh, well, David...and David, I've
been working here at CBS for a year
and I've never heard of either of
you.
LEVY
CBS Television.
LUCY
(beat)
CBS does television?
The two executives look at each other...
HART
Yeah. Edward R. Murrow--
LUCY
I'm kidding.
HART
Understood.
LEVY
That was funny.
LUCY
Thank you.
JESS
These men have an interesting idea.
LUCY
Would you like to sit?
HART
Thank you.
LEVY
Lucy, we've been here to the show a
few times now, and we noticed--
well, David noticed--
HART
You noticed too.
2nd Blue Rev. (05/17/21) 133.
Continued: 118
LEVY
We both noticed. We noticed that
when you do the show, you use
gestures and expressions.
LUCY
(pause)
You mean the acting?
LEVY
Yeah.
LUCY
My face, my body and my voice,
that's all I get to work with.
HART
It's just unusual because it's
radio.
LUCY
I watched Jack Benny. He plays it
for the studio audience and it
works pretty well for him.
LEVY
It does, and it works pretty well
for you too. Very well. And we
think it's a shame that no one gets
to see it.
LUCY
Invent a way to see what's on the
radio.
HART
We did, it's television.
LUCY
Are you here to sell me one?
JESS
Lucy--they want to put My Favorite
Husband on TV.
119 INT. CBS COMMISSARY - DAY 119
LUCY's having lunch with LEVY, HART and JESS, along with
HOWARD and ROGER, the two executives we met earlier. *
LUCY
I'm very interested.
2nd Blue Rev. (05/17/21) 134.
Continued: 119
ROGER
That's great.
LEVY *
Is it too early to raise a glass?
HOWARD
To My Favorite Husband.
LUCY
Yes! Except I don't want to do My *
Favorite Husband.
HOWARD *
(pause)
I'm confused.
JESS
Yeah, me too.
LUCY
Don't panic. It's simple. I'm
interested in your idea of doing My
Favorite Husband on television, I
just want it to be a different
show.
JESS
What show do you want it to be?
LUCY
One where Desi plays my husband.
120 INT. CBS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 120
LUCY, JESS and the executives from lunch have now been joined
by more executives, including MACY, an even bigger wig than
the big-wigs she's been meeting with. They're all sitting
around a very long table with LUCY at one end and MACY on the
other.
MACY
I understand there's a casting
issue.
LUCY
(pause)
Was that to me?
MACY
Yes.
2nd Blue Rev. (05/17/21) 135.
Continued: 120
LUCY
I wasn't sure, you're quite a ways
away.
HART
Our casting department has come up
with a list of very exciting names
we think you'll like. Could you
pass this down to Lucy.
LEVY
These are all very funny men.
HART
I think we have mimeos for
everyone.
The casting list starts getting handed out--
LEVY
It's one of the best lists I've
seen in a while.
LUCY
Number 12 died last week.
HART
That's my fault.
LUCY
There's no issue.
HOWARD
What was that?
LUCY
(louder)
I was answering Mr. Macy. There's
no casting issue. I am ready and
eager to do a half-hour domestic
comedy for CBS if the role of my
husband--let's call him Shmezy--is
played by Desi.
HOWARD *
Can I remark on this? *
ROGER
Please.
HOWARD *
On My Favorite Husband, your
husband is the 5th Vice President
of a bank.
2nd Blue Rev. (05/17/21) 136.
Continued: 120
LUCY
Yes.
HOWARD *
Can I ask you, in all candor, do
you see Desi as the 5th Vice
President of a bank?
LUCY
I can't see him being the 5th Vice
President of anything. I can see
him owning the bank.
ROGER
You see the problem?
LUCY
I see what you think is the
problem.
MACY
Lucy.
LUCY
Yes.
MACY
I don't ordinarily come to meetings
like this. I don't pay attention to
casting issues. This meeting is
several floors below my general
interest. I'm here to deliver a
hard truth. We can't have an all-
American girl married to a man who
isn't American.
LUCY
He is American. He was a sergeant
in the U.S. Army and he served in
the war.
MACY
You know exactly what I mean, Lucy,
he's Spanish.
LUCY
Still no. He's never been to Spain
in his life. He speaks Spanish. He
was born in Cuba. His father was
the Mayor of Santiago, Cuba's
second largest city.
MACY
You know exactly--
137.
Continued: 120
LUCY
--what you mean, yes I do. Look,
I'm not here trying to get a job
for my nephew. Desi Arnaz is a
phenomenally talented man. Not just
a world-class musician but a very
good actor who would be a movie
star if there was such a thing as a
Cuban movie star. Moreover we work
very well together. I go out and
meet him when he's touring and he
brings me up for some sketches and
it works. Jess?
JESS
It works.
LUCY
Any cultural differences will make
for good comedy, am I right Jess?
JESS
You're not wrong.
LUCY
Now I don't want to have another
meeting like this because I don't
know how many more people will fit
around a table. My position's not
going to change. You want me on
television and there's only one
television show I'm willing to do,
so what's it gonna be?
There's silence around the table for a moment, and then--
The I LOVE LUCY THEME MUSIC crashes in.
TITLE:
Friday
Show Night
121 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET - NIGHT 121
A live orchestra is playing the theme music. The bleachers
are filled with an excited audience and there's pre-show
activity from the crew.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 138.
Continued: 121
We see eight empty seats in the back row with reserved signs
being taped on them.
122 INT. LUCY'S DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME 122
LUCY, who's hair and make-up are now done up as "Lucy", is
finishing putting her costume on with the help of a dresser.
P.A. SCOTT pops his head in--
SCOTT
We think it's about 15 minutes.
LUCY
We think?
SCOTT
We're holding for something, I'm
not sure what.
LUCY
Okay, thanks.
P.A. SCOTT pops back out.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Holding?
JESS taps on the open door.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Yeah, come in.
(to the DRESSER)
Can I have a second?
DRESSER
Sure.
The DRESSER exits.
JESS
I think I know why you want to see
me.
LUCY
Do you?
JESS
Hear me out.
LUCY
I asked you a favor, Jess. I asked
you to give him an E.P. credit.
(MORE)
139.
Continued: 122
LUCY (CONT'D)
Instead, you tried to convince him
he was the title character or some--
JESS
Listen--
LUCY
--bullshit. What the hell was that?
JESS
I'm sorry if he was insulted. I
mean, I know he's insulted so I'm
sorry.
LUCY
He wasn't insulted, he was laughing
about it. But yeah, he's insulted.
No, he's offended, I'm insulted. I
asked you to do a small favor--
JESS
Yeah.
LUCY
--and it's not like you don't owe
me a couple.
JESS takes a deep breath before--
JESS
It wasn't a small favor and I don't
know what you think I owe you.
LUCY
Really?
JESS
It wasn't a small favor, you asked
me to save your marriage.
LUCY
No, I--
JESS
And it's not the first time you've
asked me to do that, is it?
LUCY
I asked you to give him an E.P.
credit, that's all.
JESS
No problem. Can my wife play Lucy
once in a while?
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 140.
Continued: 122
LUCY
If your wife played Lucy once in a
while, I'd think it would be
appropriate that she be so
credited. And what do you mean it's
not the first time I asked you to
save--
JESS
"Jess, Jessie, we'll have Desi play
my husband. It'll save my
marriage."
LUCY
Was that supposed to be me?
JESS
Yes.
LUCY
Don't do voices.
JESS
You're insulted? Desi's offended?
You asked me to give away my job
title like it was a parking spot.
LUCY
You're right, I'm sorry.
JESS
Jesus Christ, Lucy, sometimes I
think, wait, what?
LUCY
You're right. And I'm sorry. I was
dead wrong.
JESS
(pause)
I wasn't expecting that.
LUCY
I know.
JESS
Have you ever said that to me
before?
LUCY
I doubt it. But I've thought it if
that means anything.
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 141.
Continued: 122
JESS
It does.
LUCY
It's just been a compound fracture
of a week.
JESS
You want to hear something stupid?
I think I've been mad at you this
week because you're not Jewish. If
it had been me, I'd have been fired
two minutes after the words came
out of Winchell's mouth.
(beat)
I told you it was stupid.
LUCY takes that in...and then decides to make a joke...
LUCY
And you didn't disappoint.
JESS smiles--
JESS
Good show tonight.
LUCY
Good show.
(then)
Hey, why are we holding?
JESS
I'm not sure.
LUCY
We're holding, someone must know
why.
There's a KNOCK on the door.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Come in.
P.A. SCOTT sticks his head in--
SCOTT
Desi's asking to see you in his
office.
LUCY
You mean his dressing room?
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 142.
Continued: 122
SCOTT
No, he's in his office with some
CBS executives and some men from
Philip-Morris.
SCOTT exits...
JESS
Why's he in his office at show
time?
LUCY
(pause)
Because the evening editions just
came out.
LUCY looks at JESS...They both know this can only mean
trouble.
JESS
(pause)
Listen to me. Memorize this. "It's
none of your fuckin' business."
(beat)
There. Let that be the best thing I
ever wrote.
LUCY smiles...nods...then says--
LUCY
(pause)
Nah. It's still "vitameatavegamin."
LUCY heads out and JESS follows her.
123 INT. DESI'S OFFICE - NIGHT 123
DESI stands behind his desk and the men are all silent. LUCY
and JESS come in.
DESI
The evening edition.
DESI shows LUCY the front page of the Los Angeles Herald-
Express. There's a four-inch headline in red ink: LUCILLE
BALL A RED.
LUCY let's it sink in and then has an involuntary sharp
intake of breath. DESI takes her hand--
DESI (CONT'D)
It's alright.
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 142A.
Continued: 123
LUCY
It's in four-inch type.
DESI
I'm gonna fix this.
LUCY
That's Hindenburg type.
DESI
I've already made the calls.
LUCY
And they used red ink.
DESI
Yeah.
143.
Continued: 123
LUCY
I didn't even know newspapers had
red ink.
DESI
I guess they do.
LUCY
I was cleared.
DESI
Somehow the city editor, a woman
named Agnes Underwood, has a
photostatic copy of the affidavit
showing you registered in 1936 as a
voter intending to affiliate with
the Communist Party.
LUCY
But I was cleared. After the
testimony they stamped "canceled"
on the card, I saw the card.
DESI
Other papers are showing the
canceled card and they're running a
caption that says, "Note the
cancellation at left", but the
Herald-Express took the word
"canceled" out of the document
altogether.
LUCY
Other papers?
DESI
Yes, but I've made calls and we're
taking care of this.
(calling)
Miss Rosen!
LUCY
Calls to who?
DESI
Every reporter within 20 minutes of
this soundstage. That's why we're
holding.
LUCY
You're saying the reporters are
coming here?
MISS ROSEN steps in and waits for instructions.
144.
Continued: 123
DESI
We'll seat them in the back of the
bleachers.
LUCY
You think we're still filming a
show?
(to the EXECUTIVES)
Why are none of you talking?
ROGER
It's Desi's idea.
DESI
I'm gonna warm up the audience the
way I always do, except instead of
Cuban Pete and the joke about the
turtle, I'm going to tell them what
happened. I'm going to explain that
you checked the wrong box, I'm
going to show them the cancelled
document, and then I'm going to
bring you out so the press sees
them give you a round of applause.
LUCY
Fellas, could we have the room for
just a moment?
Everyone steps out but LUCY and DESI. They're silent for a
moment before...
LUCY (CONT'D)
You're not telling these people I
checked the wrong box.
DESI
This is a critical moment.
LUCY
If I'm gonna die--
DESI
You're not.
LUCY
I'd rather die standing up.
DESI
I don't have any idea what that--
LUCY
I'm not an idiot, I didn't check
the wrong--
Cherry Rev. (05/02/21) 145.
Continued: 123
DESI
You saw the headline.
LUCY
You can see that headline from
outer space.
DESI
Then please--
LUCY
Grandpa Fred raised me from age
eleven. He cared about the little
guy, he cared about workers'
rights. It was a tribute to him and
to say I checked the wrong--
DESI
Grandpa Fred, Grandpa Fred, Grandpa
Fred was wrong, Lucy! `Cause he
didn't tell you the part where they
throw your father in prison for the
crime of being the mayor of a city.
I was chased to this country!
Believe me, you checked the wrong
box.
LUCY takes a long moment...
LUCY
And what if they don't applaud?
DESI
They will. And the press will write
that they did.
LUCY
You're going to tell them that I
was accused of--sixteen years ago--
DESI
They're going to read it in the
morning anyway. We have a sample
population of two-hundred people on
our stage.
(calling out)
Miss Rosen!
LUCY
If they boo me--
146.
Continued: 123
DESI
If they boo you we're done here
tonight.
MISS ROSEN comes back in--
DESI's gotten a small black address book out of his desk and
opened to a page. He shows it to his secretary and points to
a name--
DESI (CONT'D)
Call this man. Tell them it's for
me, they'll find him, he's
expecting my call. Tell me when you
have him.
MISS ROSEN takes the phone book and walks out.
124 EXT. ALLEY BEHIND THE SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT 124
LUCY is leaning against a wall in a private spot, smoking a
cigarette. We can see the lit "Desilu" sign in the distance.
She takes a deep breath to settle herself.
After a moment, a heavy steel door opens. VIVIAN looks in one
direction and then the other and sees LUCY. She steps out--
VIVIAN
Someone said they spotted you going
out here.
LUCY
This was our pre-show spot, you and
me. All last season, you remember?
VIVIAN
Yeah. We should do that again, I
liked that tradition.
LUCY nods...
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
I was just told. Jesus, Lulu. Four-
inch type?
LUCY
Red ink.
VIVIAN
How did they get it wrong?
147.
Continued: 124
LUCY
Well...I mean...they didn't.
VIVIAN
Grandpa Fred?
LUCY nods...
VIVIAN (CONT'D)
You're the most beloved woman in
America. You're not gonna get
blacklisted.
LUCY
Aww, Viv. You know how many brands
Philip Morris owns? All it takes is
someone calling for a boycott of
Marlboros.
VIVIAN
(pause)
I shouldn't have piled on this
week. It just--
VIVIAN shakes her head and waves it off...
LUCY
What?
VIVIAN
None of that matters right now.
LUCY
It may be the last time we're out
here. Say it.
VIVIAN
Lucy Ricardo's married to a man six
years younger than she is and
Ethel's married to her grandfather.
And it's understood, as the
underlying premise for a running
joke, that I'm not pretty enough
for him. It got to me and at the
world's worst time.
LUCY nods her head, she understands...
LUCY
(pause)
That was a knockout dress.
The heavy steel door opens and FRAWLEY steps out with
MADELYN...
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 148.
Continued: 124
FRAWLEY
Oh. You two wanna be alone?
VIVIAN/LUCY
Yes./No.
MADELYN hurries over to LUCY and speaks to her privately.
MADELYN
(quietly)
You're my hero.
LUCY
(pause)
I care about what works, Maddie. I
care about what's funny. I don't
see myself caring about a woman's
perspective from a new generation.
I care about you.
After a moment...
FRAWLEY
I'd love for someone to bring me
breakfast.
MADELYN
That's not what we were talking
about.
LUCY
Doesn't a P.A. bring you breakfast
every day?
FRAWLEY
Yes.
LUCY
Okay.
FRAWLEY
Never French toast.
LUCY
We'll look into that.
FRAWLEY
I came out to try to distract you
with nonsense but I assume these
two beat me to it.
LUCY
Viv doesn't like the jokes about
Ethel being unappealing.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 149.
Continued: 124
FRAWLEY
Yeah, there's no one within the
sound of her voice who doesn't know
that.
VIVIAN
I said what I felt.
FRAWLEY
You've been saying what you felt
since the first day of work, it's
not like you've finally given voice
to your feelings. You know what,
sweet ladies? Something dies inside
a man--it just dies--the first time
he hears a girl call him old. So on
the subject of Jess, Bob and
Madelyn writing "Ethel" jokes, I'm
indifferent.
LUCY
The two of you...
(beat)
...are good actors. It's a
privilege doing this show with you.
There's a long silence before...
FRAWLEY
Now you're scaring the shit outa
me.
VIVIAN
(over)
I was just gonna say.
LUCY
Desi's gonna tell the audience.
He's invited press. He's betting
the audience will accept the truth,
give their approval and the press
will write about it.
(beat)
I'd take the other side of that
bet.
The steel door opens and P.A. SCOTT sticks his head out--
SCOTT
Excuse me. Sorry. Mr. Arnaz is
ready to do the warm-up. They told
me you wanted to know.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 149A.
Continued: 124
LUCY
Thank you.
150.
Continued: 124
VIVIAN
(pause)
Alright, I'll see you out there.
Good show.
FRAWLEY
Good show.
MADELYN
Good show.
VIVIAN and MADELYN go inside. LUCY starts to head in but
FRAWLEY puts a hand out to stop her...
FRAWLEY
(pause)
The dinner scene is inarguably
better.
LUCY smiles...then heads inside.
125 INT. SOUNDSTAGE/I LOVE LUCY SET - NIGHT 125
The orchestra's finishing a number as we see an USHER seating
a few members of the press in the last row where other
members of the press are sitting.
DESI watches the press being seated from backstage.
The audience APPLAUDS at the end of the number...
ANNOUNCER
Now ladies and gentlemen, give a
warm welcome to one of the stars of
I Love Lucy. You know him as Ricky
Ricardo--here's Desi Arnaz!
A healthy round of applause greets DESI as he walks onto the
set carrying a folded newspaper.
DESI
Thank you, thank you very much.
(pause)
Usually, right now, I'd be doing
the final audience warm-up. I'd
tell you an old joke about a
turtle. I'd point out our
groundbreaking camera system that
allows the studio audience to watch
the show unobstructed and I'd
introduce you to the rest of the
cast.
Goldenrod Rev. (04/10/21) 151.
Continued: 125
We see LUCY watching from an off-stage vantage point. At
various times we'll see FRAWLEY or VIVIAN, JESS, MADELYN,
BOB, MARY PAT, the network guys or A P.A. watching from
various places around the stage.
DESI (CONT'D)
I'm not doing that tonight and
here's why. Last week, my wife,
Lucille Ball, was asked to testify
in front of a closed session of the
House Un-American Activities
Committee.
There's a murmur in the audience...
DESI (CONT'D)
Yeah, the congressmen who
investigate Communism. After hours
of testimony, the committee
concluded, unambiguously, that Lucy
was and is in no way involved with
the Communist Party. So
everything's swell, right? No.
Because this is the evening edition
headline in the Herald-Express.
DESI opens the paper and shows them the headline. The
AUDIENCE GASPS...
DESI (CONT'D)
So I made some phone calls. I
called the editor of the Herald-
Express. I called the chairman of
the committee. I called all the
members of the committee. And I
made one more call to someone and I
believe he's still on the line.
DESI is handed a phone by MISS ROSEN. He'll speak into the
phone and then hold the receiver up to the microphone so the
audience can hear.
DESI (CONT'D)
(into the phone)
Are you still with me, sir?
MAN (V.O.)
Yes.
Yellow Rev. (03/28/21) 151A.
Continued: 125
DESI
(into the phone)
I'm now standing in front of a
studio audience in Hollywood,
California, and we're joined by a
number of members of the press.
152.
Continued: 125
MAN (V.O.)
That's fine.
DESI
(into the phone)
We want to know, sir, does the FBI
have any case against Lucy? Does
the FBI have any evidence of
wrongdoing? Does the FBI have any
reason to believe that Lucille Ball
is a Communist?
MAN (V.O.)
No. Absolutely nothing. She is one-
hundred percent clear.
DESI
(into phone)
Thank you, sir. One more question.
Would you tell us your name please?
MAN (V.O.)
This is J. Edgar Hoover.
An impressed reaction from the AUDIENCE...
DESI
Thank you, sir, enjoy your evening.
(he hangs up)
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome my wife and the star of I
Love Lucy, Lucille Ball.
The audience breaks into THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE and CHEERING.
Backstage, LUCY breathes a sigh of relief, takes a moment,
and walks onto the set.
The audience gives her a STANDING OVATION.
DESI looks up to the last row where he sees the reporters
feverishly writing all this down. He cathes the eye of one
reporter who's taking it all in but not writing it down and
he pantomimes, "Write it the hell down."
Backstage, people are shaking hands.
LUCY gives a final wave to the audience and walks off.
DESI shouts over the SUSTAINED APPLAUSE
DESI (CONT'D)
(shouting)
So enjoy the show.
153.
Continued: 125
The orchestra crashes into a new number as DESI heads
offstage a moment later and takes us--
126 INT. BEHIND THE SET - CONTINUOUS 126
--where he takes LUCY in his arms. They have to speak up to
be heard over the orchestra--
DESI
It's all over.
LUCY
Thank you.
DESI
It's over now.
LUCY
Thank you.
DESI
They love you.
LUCY
I love you.
DESI
No one's gonna mess with you. Ever.
LUCY
I thought they were gonna boo.
DESI
You wanna do a show?
LUCY
(louder)
Have you been cheating on me?
DESI
(pause)
What?
LUCY
Have you been cheating on me?
DESI
Is this a bit?
LUCY
No.
Goldenrod Rev. (04/10/21) 154.
Continued: 126
DESI
(pause)
No, I haven't been.
LUCY
When you stay out all night you're
on the boat playing cards?
DESI
Yes.
LUCY
You haven't been with anyone else?
DESI
What's going on with you?
LUCY
Don't gaslight me.
DESI
Where did this come from? They just
cheered for you.
LUCY
They got it right, didn't they?
DESI
Lucy--
LUCY
They only got the picture wrong.
Did they get it right? Did they get
it exactly right?
DESI
Jesus Christ, I just proved that
the Herald-Express got it wrong,
you think Confidential Magazine--
we're about to do a show.
LUCY
Just tell me.
DESI
Tell me why you think--other than
this garbage--tell me why you think
I've--
LUCY takes out a white handkerchief that has a lipstick
smudge on it.
DESI takes a long moment...
155.
Continued: 126
DESI (CONT'D)
(pause)
That's your lipstick. Remember? At
the beginning of the week you
kissed me, then took my
handkerchief and wiped the lipstick
off and put it back in my pocket.
And you said you'd never done that
before.
LUCY
I hadn't.
DESI
Then what the hell are we talking
about?
LUCY takes out another handkerchief that also has a lipstick
smudge...
LUCY
This is my lipstick.
There's a long silence while DESI makes up his mind...
DESI
(pause)
They were just call girls. They're
hookers. It doesn't mean anything.
LUCY nods...
DESI (CONT'D)
Look--
LUCY
Let's do the show. Yeah? We'll just
forget this for a half-hour. Yeah?
(beat)
Let's do the show.
LUCY turns to a stagehand with a walkie-talkie--
LUCY (CONT'D)
Jim, let's go. It's not gonna get
better than this.
We see and/or hear the show revving up--"Quiet Please!"
"Picture's Up!" "Roll Sound!" "Camera's Rolling!" "Sound
speed!" The three camera's slate.
DONALD
And...action.
Goldenrod Rev. (04/10/21) 155A.
Continued: 127
127 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 127
OLDER MADELYN
It ended up being a good show that
night. We did both versions of the
opening but it was the original
version that made it on the air.
The one with the names. You must've
gotten a hold of the B-negative
`cause your original question--
127A INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 127A
OLDER JESS
For the record, I won my bet with
Desi. CBS wouldn't let us use the
word "pregnant". But more people
watched the birth of Little Ricky
than had ever watched a television
program before. Your original
question--
156.
Continued: 128
128 INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY 128
OLDER BOB
You asked about why Lucy stopped
when we were doing the alt. The
alternate version.
129 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 129
OLDER MADELYN
We were doing Lucy's version of
Ricky's entrance first, but Lucy
stopped and now I can't remember
why.
130 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 130
OLDER JESS
Honestly, I'm not sure. In all the
excitement, with all that drama, I
never asked.
131 INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY 131
OLDER BOB
What happened--she went out, she
was cutting the flowers--
132 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS- DAY 132
OLDER JESS
She was doing the bit with the
flowers, which we couldn't use
`cause we were running long--
133 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 133
OLDER MADELYN
It seemed like she just got lost in
her own head for second.
134 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/- NIGHT (BACK AND WHITE) 134
LUCY trims the stem of one of the flowers.
157.
Continued: 135
135 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 135
OLDER MADELYN
It may have been the only time she
went up on a line.
136 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 136
LUCY clips another stem, puts it back and now all the flowers
disappear into the vase to a HUGE LAUGH.
137 INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY 137
OLDER BOB
She takes the water glass and pours
more water into the vase--
138 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 138
OLDER JESS
--which makes all of the flowers
come up to the surface--
139 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE) 139
The flowers come up to the surface which gets a big LAUGH
from the audience.
140 INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY 140
OLDER BOB
And then--I can't remember the
first line but we had to stop and
go again.
141 INT. SOUNDSTAGE BLEACHERS - DAY 141
OLDER JESS
I can't remember what her cue was,
only that Lucy had her back to the
audience and from where I was
standing I thought I saw her--it
was a long time ago, but I thought
I saw her smile or even laugh a
little and then just get lost.
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 158.
Continued: 142
142 EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 142
OLDER MADELYN
(remembering)
It was Desi's line. It was the new
bit Lucy put in but that version
never made it into the show.
(trying to remember)
What was his line?
143 INT. I LOVE LUCY SET - NIGHT 143
DESI enters. He stands there, unnoticed by Lucy...then--
DESI
Lucy, I'm home!
And LUCY hears that, smiles and revels in it for a quick
moment and laughs a little...there's an awkward silence.
LUCY
Sorry about that, I got lost for a
second.
143A EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY 143A
OLDER MADELYN
We never went back to do another
take of the alternate opening. Lucy
just wanted to move on.
143B INT. I LOVE LUCY SET/LIVING ROOM 143B
As the show re-starts, with the audience loving every moment,
we start to slowly PULL BACK and PULL UP.
The show continues semi-MOS as we pull back further and
higher, so that what we're looking at is obviously a set. A
small set. Three flats and no ceiling. Stagehands are smoking
and talking to each other backstage with LUCY commanding her
small, fictional world.
We're up above the light grid now--
144 OMITTED 144
Buff Rev. (04/12/21) 158A.
Continued: 143B
DISSOLVE TO:
145 TITLE: 145
The morning after Lucy and Desi shot their final show
together, Lucy filed for divorce.
159.
Continued: 145
The show plays for a moment longer before we
SNAP TO BLACK
| Being the Ricardos
Writers : Aaron Sorkin
Genres : Drama
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