HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE
Written by
Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg
Script Revisions Double White
May 28, 2003(b)
FADE IN:
1 INT. BILLY OFFICE (BREWSTER KEEGAN INVESTMENT BANK)- 4:50 PM
1
BILLY CARVER (mid-20s, good looking, "romantic") is sitting
at his desk, depressed, staring at a photo of his ex-
girlfriend.
MAN (O.S.)
Billy Boy!
J.D. BANKS (mid-20s, always looking for a good time) enters
the office.
J.D.
Get your ass ready! It's almost five
o'clock and this bad boy needs to get his
drink on!
J.D. notices his friend pining over the photo.
J.D.
Oh God. Give me that. I'm burning it
once and for all.
J.D. snatches the photo, and pulls out his lighter. Just as
the flame is about to touch the photo, BILLY grabs it back.
BILLY
Don't!
J.D.
Dude, it's been six months. You have to
move on.
BILLY nods knowingly.
J.D.
You know what'll cheer you up? Some hot
chick riding your jock all night long.
BILLY
You're such a romantic, J.D.
J.D.
It would help get your mind off of Sarah.
BILLY ponders this for a moment.
BILLY
Whatever. Even if I wanted to meet other
women, I wouldn't even know what to do.
I've been out of the game so long.
J.D.
Billy, you come out with me tonight, and
I promise you'll get laid.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 2.
BILLY
Sounds tempting, but I can't. Berenson
needs me to update the financial models
for his meeting with the foreign
investors.
J.D.
So what? It's Friday! You have all
weekend to do that.
BILLY
No I don't. The Germans are taking an
earlier flight back, so the meeting's
been moved to tomorrow.
J.D. thinks for a moment.
J.D.
Well, why don't you just get somebody
else to do your work then?
BILLY
Who?
J.D. gets a big smile on his face. He has an idea.
2 INT. HAROLD'S CUBICLE - 4:55 PM 2
HAROLD LEE (22 years old, the typical Asian-American
workhorse you'll find in any investment bank) is packing up
his briefcase, getting ready to leave for the day.
BILLY and J.D. approach...
BILLY
Harold, listen, I need you to update
these models for me.
HAROLD
(confused)
But aren't you supposed to...
BILLY
I know, but something came up. I have to
meet with some clients tonight, so I
won't be able to get to it. It's your
responsibility now. Okay?
Harold doesn't like this, but before he even has a chance to
protest, J.D. steps forward...
J.D.
And make sure it's in tomorrow by nine
o'clock sharp.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 3.
J.D. (cont'd)
With all the downsizing going on around
here, we wouldn't want to have to tell
Berenson that you've been slacking. He's
just dying to figure out who he should
fire next.
HAROLD
Uh...okay...no problem...
BILLY drops a big stack of papers on Harold's desk.
3 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT - 5:00 PM 3
BILLY and J.D. are walking through the parking lot.
BILLY
Wow! I can't believe how easy that was!
J.D.
Dude, how do you think I get all my shit
done? I'm telling you -- those Asian
guys love crunching numbers. You
probably just made his weekend.
The guys have reached J.D.'S CONVERTIBLE.
4 INT. J.D.'S CONVERTIBLE 4
Billy and J.D. enter the car.
J.D.
Now get ready. It's time we embark
on...Operation Get Some!
And with that, J.D. presses a button in his car that causes
the top of the convertible to go down and a funky white boy
song kicks in.
Intercut:
5 INT/EXT. J.D'S CONVERTABLE 5
Billy and J.D. think they're hot shit as they cruise through
the parking lot blasting their tunes. When the lyrics kick
in, J.D. begins lip-syncing passionately. Billy loves it.
When the chorus begins, the guys begin dancing in their seats
in an unrealistic, synchronized, choreographed manner.
J.D. gives a thumbs up to an ELDERLY PARKING ATTENDANT as his
car zooms out of the parking lot.
QUICK BOOM UP from J.D.'s Convertible and PUSH IN to Harold
standing at a window watching as Billy and J.D. zoom off.
He looks at the stack of papers they gave him...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 4.
HAROLD
Fuck.
6 OMIT 6
7 INT. DR. WOODRUFF'S OFFICE - NYU MEDICAL SCHOOL 7
KUMAR PATEL (22, Indian, Funky Hair) is answering questions
from his NYU Medical School interviewer, DR. Woodruff (middle
aged, erudite, very professional). Kumar has NO ACCENT.
He's American.
KUMAR
Mononucleosis or mono is an infection
caused by the Epstein-Barr virus.
Symptoms may include fever, sore throat,
headaches, white patches on the back of
your throat, swollen glands, sluggishness
and loss of appetite.
DR. WOODRUFF
Excellent, Kumar. I have to say you're
one of the best applicants I've ever
interviewed. Not that it's a surprise.
Your father is very respected in his
field. You know he and I had some pretty
wild times when we were in med school.
KUMAR
Really?
DR. WOODRUFF
Yeah. We started our own basketball team--
the Hemoglobin Trotters...
(cracking up)
Yeah, we were crazy.
Kumar nods and smiles. Woodruff finally stops laughing...
DR. WOODRUFF
Anyway-- just one more question.
(reading from a clipboard)
What are some potential symptoms of
pancreatitis?
KUMAR
Let's see. There might be epigastric
tenderness, diffuse abdominal
tenderness...
Suddenly, we hear what sounds like be a match being lit, a
gurgle, and a cough -- the distinct sounds of somebody
smoking from a bong. Dr. Woodruff is confused. Kumar pulls
out his cell phone. It's his personalized ringer.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 5.
KUMAR
(to Dr. Woodruff)
I'm sorry. Can you hold on one second?
Kumar stands up and answers his cell phone.
KUMAR
(into the phone)
Kumar's phone. Kumar speaking.
(listening)
Oh, hey.
(listening)
Nothing important. I can talk. What's up?
Dr. Woodruff is offended. He takes a sip of from a mug of
coffee and watches as Kumar begins pacing around the office.
Intercut:
INT. HAROLD'S CUBICLE - SIMULTANEOUS
Harold is talking on his office phone...
HAROLD
I'm not gonna be able to partake in our
usual Friday night ritual. I've gotta
stay late at the office.
KUMAR
(into the phone)
Fuck that shit! We had plans!
Dr. Woodruff can't believe Kumar's choice of words.
HAROLD
I know, but I gotta get this work done.
KUMAR
Oh come on! When has getting high ever
prevented you from finishing your work?
Dr. Woodruff is so shocked that the mug of coffee simply
slips out of his hands. Hot coffee goes all over his shirt.
Woodruff yells and starts wiping his shirt with a napkin.
HAROLD (O.S.)
Listen, I'd love to go home, but...
KUMAR
No fucking buts! I just bought a quarter
of the finest herb in New York City, and
I'm not smoking it alone.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 6.
KUMAR (cont'd)
So you're just gonna have to chill the
fuck out, bring your work home, and
prepare to get blazed, because in a
couple of hours I expect both of us to be
blitzed out of our skulls. Got it?...Okay
good. See you later.
Kumar hangs up the phone and sits back down. Dr. Woodruff is
stunned.
KUMAR
(to Dr. Woodruff)
Okay, where was I? Oh yes. More
symptoms of pancreatitis. Um...decreased
bowel sounds, possibly fever,
dehydration, and sometimes even shock.
DR. WOODRUFF
(livid)
Mr. Patel. This is supposed to be a
proper interview. Do you actually believe
after the way you've behaved that I would
ever even consider recommending you for
admission?
KUMAR
No. I'd actually be pretty surprised.
Dr. Woodruff is flustered. He doesn't know how to react.
KUMAR
Look, I'm just interviewing so my dad
will keep paying for my apartment. I'm
not really planning on going to med
school.
DR. WOODRUFF
(confused)
But...you have perfect MCAT scores!
KUMAR
Well, I'm not an idiot.
Dr. Woodruff is at a loss for words.
Kumar notices a framed picture of a HOT TEENAGE GIRL on Dr.
Woodruff's desk. He picks it up.
KUMAR
Wow! Is this your daughter?
A disturbed Dr. Woodruff grabs the portrait out of Kumar's
hands.
CUT TO:
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8 INT. HAROLD'S CUBICLE 8
Harold shuts down his laptop. He then puts the laptop along
with all his paperwork into a bag and leaves the office.
9 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT 9
Harold walks to the end of the parking lot, where his car is
parked. As he walks, the strap of his laptop bag breaks and
falls to the ground. Harold is frustrated as he picks it up.
10 EXT. PARKING LOT EXIT GATE 10
After other cars zoom through uninterrupted, the ELDERLY
PARKING ATTENDANT stops Harold and checks his ID before
letting him leave.
11 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING PARKING LOT - 6:21 PM 11
Harold's driving his WHITE INFINITI G20. He finds a spot...
HAROLD
Yes! Right in front...
Harold carefully lines up his car to parallel park. As he
starts to pull in, A YELLOW JEEP STEALS THE SPOT FROM BEHIND.
The jeep is loaded with "alternative" stickers, and has a
KAYAK, HANG-GLIDER, and other sports equipment on the roof.
Harold almost hits the JEEP. He knows this car.
HAROLD
(frustrated, to himself)
Those assholes.
The driver, COLE (20's, asshole, high energy, intense, loud
mouth), puts down his window...
COLE is joined in the jeep with his EXTREME SPORTS PUNK
FRIENDS, who all laugh at Harold.
COLE
(mock Asian accent)
This is America, dude! Learn how to
drive!
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
Better ruck tomorrow!
Frustrated, Harold turns around and continues driving...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 8.
11A EXT. SEMI-URBAN STREET 11A
He ends up parking far from the building. He has to parallel
park. He's anal with his parking, going in and out a bunch
of times, until the car is positioned perfectly in the spot.
11B EXT. HAROLD AND KUMAR'S APARTMENT BUILDING 11B
Harold walks a bunch of blocks to his apartment building. He
walks up the steps to the LOBBY ENTRANCE of his building...
Suddenly, he stops in his tracks. Through the glass door, he
sees... MARIA-- A beautiful, sweet-looking young woman of
Puerto-Rican descent. She's standing by the elevators.
HAROLD can't move. He's mesmerized. This is his dream girl.
Harold takes a deep breath...
HAROLD
Okay, be yourself. Don't be nervous.
11C INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (LOBBY) - DAY 11C
Harold enters the building and walks over to Maria. They
give each other a friendly smile. We hear a "BING" sound,
indicating the elevator has arrived. The doors open and
Harold and Maria walk inside.
12 INT. ELEVATOR 12
HAROLD and MARIA are standing silently as the elevator goes
up. Eventually, Harold gets the courage to speak...
HAROLD
So Maria, what's been going on?
MARIA
Oh, nothing. It's just been a long week.
How about you?
HAROLD
My week was great. Work wasn't too bad. I
caught up on some sleep. Plus, the guy
who works next to me decided to bathe for
a change.
MARIA
Really?
HAROLD
(deadpan)
Oh wait, I meant the exact opposite of
that. Work sucked. I barely slept. And
the guy next to me still smells like
crap. But a man can dream, right?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 9.
Maria laughs. Harold's pleased that his joke worked.
HAROLD
So what are you up to tonight?
MARIA
Actually, I'm probably gonna work out a
little bit, clean up the apartment, and
then go over to my boyfriend's place.
He's cooking me a really nice dinner.
HAROLD
(disappointed)
Really?
MARIA
(smiling)
Oh wait, I meant the exact opposite of
that.
(beat)
I'll actually probably just sit on my
ass, eat a pint of Hagaan Daz, and watch
Blind Date.
HAROLD
(playful)
That sounds awful.
Harold laughs, as does Maria. They smile at each other...
HAROLD
Well, if you want some company, maybe you
could sit on your ass at my place.
MARIA
(flirty)
Maybe.
We hear the "BING" of the elevator...
13 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING(LOBBY) 13
We're back in the lobby. EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED WAS A
FANTASY. Harold and Maria enter the elevator.
14 INT. ELEVATOR 14
HAROLD and MARIA stand silently while the elevator goes up.
It's clear Harold wants to say something, but he doesn't have
the courage. They reach their floor and exit the elevator.
15 INT. HALLWAY 15
MARIA
Bye.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 10.
MARIA walks over to her apartment and goes inside.
HAROLD
Bye.
16 INT. HAROLD AND KUMAR'S APARTMENT - 6:30 PM 16
Tired and frustrated, Harold enters his apartment. The place
is minimally decorated, with one of the highlights being a
poster of "BILLY MADISON."
HAROLD
Kumar?
KUMAR (O.C.)
Yeah, I'm in here!
Harold walks over to Kumar's room and looks inside. It's
Martha Stewart's nightmare-- dirty laundry all over the
floor, etc. On his walls we see old school gangsta rap
posters. MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA is everywhere. We see a
Giant Photograph of Kumar with his arm around Mr. T. Kumar
is not in the room, however.
HAROLD
Kumar?
KUMAR (O.C.)
In here...
Curious, Harold walks over to HIS ROOM (neat, tidy, IKEA
furnishings), where he sees KUMAR STANDING BUTT NAKED IN
FRONT OF A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR. There's a "clipping sound"
coming from Kumar's direction. Harold stares at him, shocked
and appalled. Harold walks inside...
HAROLD
Kumar, what the hell are you doing!
KUMAR
I'm trimming my pubes.
Kumar looks at himself in the mirror as he makes a couple
more snips. On the floor, we see LARGE CLUMPS OF HAIR.
HAROLD
Why aren't you doing this in your room!
KUMAR
The mirror's in here.
(re: his crotch)
Hey, check it out! It looks like a Bonsai
tree!
HAROLD
I'm gonna puke. Get your clothes on.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 11.
KUMAR
Chill out. It makes my Johnson look
bigger. Besides, if I don't do this, I'll
end up with pubes like my dad. You've
seen Osama Bin Laden's beard, right?
HAROLD notices something...
HAROLD
Are those my scissors? Oh my God! I
trim my nose hair with those!
KUMAR
Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair with
them for the past six months.
HAROLD
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!
Kumar puts the scissors down and EXITS THE ROOM. Harold
shakes his head and sets up his laptop on his desk...
16A INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM 16A
Kumar puts on some boxers and a T-shirt (I love Bush: the
pussy not the president).
KUMAR
(calling out to Harold)
So what the hell is your problem, anyway?
HAROLD (O.C.)
Other than my roommate's boney ass?
17 INT. HAROLD'S BEDROOM 17
Harold turns on his laptop and is ready to start working.
HAROLD
(calling out)
One of the senior analysts asked me to do
a bunch of his work for him tonight.
Kumar walks back into Harold's room...
KUMAR
I assume you gave him the appropriate "go
fuck yourself."
HAROLD
If by "go fuck yourself" you mean "no
problem sir" then yes, he got the message
loud and clear.
KUMAR shakes his head in disgust...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 12.
KUMAR
Oh, no wonder you tried cancelling on me
today. Dude, you gotta learn how to say
"no" once in a while. Now lets get high.
HAROLD
No. I got a lot of work to finish.
Kumar shuts Harold's laptop.
KUMAR
Fuck that! You'll have plenty of time to
get that shit done later. Come on, let's
smoke a couple joints.
Harold thinks for a moment and then caves...
HAROLD
One joint.
KUMAR
One and a half. Now let's do this...
Kumar exits the room...
HAROLD hangs his jacket up in his closet, which we see
organized in rows of suits and button downs.
18 INT. LIVING ROOM 18
Kumar walks over to a table in the living room where he finds
AN M.C.A.T. TEST PREP BOOK. Kumar lifts open the cover--
inside, we see a hollowed-out circle filled with marijuana.
Kumar smells it and shudders in ecstasy.
The phone next to the book starts to ring. Kumar doesn't
care. He lets it ring until the answering machine picks up.
MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT
(on the answering machine)
Kumar...it is daddy. I hope your
interview today was good. I'm calling to
remind you that you have another one
tomorrow morning with Dr. Wein from
Cornell at 10:00 a.m. Do not be late!
Kumar rolls his eyes as he tears some pages from the M.C.A.T.
book and starts rolling a fat blunt...
MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT
It is very important you show up on time!
Mommy and I will be very upset if you do
not go. Good luck, Kumar. Remember, the
meeting is at ten o'clock. Bye bye.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 13.
Harold (still wearing his button-down shirt, only now
untucked) enters the living room. Kumar is now licking the
blunt.
HAROLD
Don't you think you should take at least
one of your interviews seriously? At some
point your dad's gonna get really pissed.
KUMAR
So what? It's not like there's a
shortage of Dr. Patel's out there. My
dad's a doctor. My brother's a doctor.
Just because everyone in my family went
to med school, doesn't mean I have to.
HAROLD
Well, then what are you going to do?
KUMAR
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm
gonna smoke this fat blunt, get
ridiculously high, and then get something
to eat.
HAROLD
Sounds like a plan.
DISSOLVE TO:
19 OMIT 19
20 INT. LIVING ROOM - 7:00 PM 20
HAROLD takes the first hit off the blunt. He nods to Kumar,
as if to say "that's good shit." Kumar takes the blunt from
Harold and inhales...
DISSOLVE TO:
21 INT. LIVING ROOM - 7:30 PM 21
Harold and Kumar are now smoking out of an ENORMOUS BONG,
while watching TV. The room is filled with smoke.
ANGLE - TELEVISION
It's an episode of "The Router Workshop."
ANGLE - HAROLD AND KUMAR
KUMAR
I think we've already seen this one.
Harold changes the channel...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 14.
ANGLE - TELEVISION
It's an anti-marijuana commercial. Two teenagers are
listening to rock music in a house without parents. One
teenager (blonde) passes a joint to the other (brown haired).
BLONDE HAIRED KID
Come on, dude. Just take one hit. Don't
you want to be cool?
Nervously, Brown Haired Kid takes a hit of the joint. Right
after he exhales, he walks over to his DAD'S GUN RACK and
takes out a LONG RIFLE...
BLONDE HAIRED KID
Hey man, what are you doing?
BROWN HAIRED KID
I'm so high! Nothing can hurt me!
The Brown Haired Kid puts the end of the rifle in his mouth.
We see Blonde Haired kid in slow motion go "Nooooo!" BANG!
WE HEAR A GUNSHOT AS THE SCREEN TURNS BLACK...
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Marijuana kills.
ANGLE - HAROLD AND KUMAR
They're laughing their asses off at the commercial.
KUMAR
I love that shit!
Harold continues flipping channels...
ANGLE- TV
We see a News report
NEWSCASTER
Tonight...a Cheetah escaped from the
Morristown Zoo...
ANGLE - Harold and Kumar
Harold's not interested. He continues flipping...
HAROLD
Nice. Sixteen Candles is on.
KUMAR
And the award for least heterosexual
statement ever made in this apartment
goes to...
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 15.
KUMAR (cont'd)
(mock opening an envelope)
...Harold Lee! Come on down! Take a bow!
HAROLD
Oh come on. It's a John Hughes movie!
It's a classic! It's a beautiful story
about someone who feels unnoticed,
unappreciated, unloved...
KUMAR
Hey look! It's you!
Kumar points to the TV where we see a CLIP FROM SIXTEEN
CANDLES--[Long Duk Dong talking about quiche/round pie]
Kumar laughs. Harold isn't amused.
We see another CLIP [Long Duk talking about the chores he
does for the grandparents].
KUMAR
Hey, when are you gonna start doing some
chores around here?
Harold gives Kumar a "don't even joke" look. He then
violently grabs the bong from Kumar and lights it. Kumar
laughs as Harold exhales a lot of smoke...
HAROLD
We're so high right now.
KUMAR
We're not low.
HAROLD
I don't know about you, but I'm hungry as
balls.
KUMAR
No shit! Let's eat!
HAROLD bends down and picks up A BUNCH OF DELIVERY MENUS that
have been left on the floor...
KUMAR
Nah, I don't feel like delivery tonight.
HAROLD
What about KFC?
KUMAR
Nah, we've been there too many times.
(beat)
I want something we haven't had in
awhile. Something different. Something
that'll really hit the spot. I want the
perfect food...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 16.
VOICE ON TV
Are you hungry?
HAROLD and KUMAR turn their attention to the TV, where they
see A WHITE CASTLE COMMERCIAL taking place. In the
commercial, we see DOZENS OF TINY BURGERS lined up in a row.
VOICE ON TV
Then come to White Castle and try our
Slyder Special-- six burgers, fries, and
a soft drink for only 2.99.
HAROLD and KUMAR start salivating, as they see THE STEAM RISE
FROM THE BURGERS ON THE T.V.
VOICE ON TV
Imagine all those burgers in your stomach
right now. Mmmmmh....
HAROLD and KUMAR move closer to the TV to smell the burgers.
VOICE ON TV
Don't you like food that's tasty and
delicious?
Almost in a trance, HAROLD and KUMAR nod agreeingly.
VOICE ON TV
Then what are you waiting for? Head over
to White Castle. It's what you crave.
The commercial ends. HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other--
this is clearly an emotional moment for both of them.
22 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE APARTMENT - 7:45 22
HAROLD and KUMAR exit their apartment.
HAROLD
You're sure you know how to get there? I
haven't been to White Castle in ages.
KUMAR
I'm telling you, there's one right around
the corner from that multiplex in New
Brunswick.
They walk down the hallway, stopping at another apartment.
On the side of the doorway is a MEZUZAH IN THE SHAPE OF A
NAKED WOMAN. Harold and Kumar walk in without knocking...
23 INT. ROSENBERG AND GOLDSTEIN'S APARTMENT 23
HAROLD and KUMAR walk into an apartment that looks almost
identical to theirs. (Instead of a "BILLY MADISON" poster,
there's one of "HAPPY GILMORE.")
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 17.
Sitting on the couch is ROSENBERG (a seemingly "nice Jewish
boy," wearing khakis and a sweater) and GOLDSTEIN (a more
depraved Jewish boy, wearing a t-shirt with a picture of the
OLSEN TWINS-- underneath the picture we see the words,
"FINALLY LEGAL ON JUNE 13, 2004"). Both of them are taking
bong hits (out of a shofar bong) while watching TV as Harold
and Kumar enter...
KUMAR
Rosenberg, Goldstein-- get up. We're
going to White Castle.
Rosenberg and Goldstein continue staring at the TV...
ROSENBERG
Wait-- we're watching The Gift on HBO.
KUMAR
No waiting. We're starving...
Out of the corner of Kumar's eye, he notices Harold grabbing
a piece of beef jerky from Rosenberg & Goldstein's coffee
table.
KUMAR
(scolding Harold)
...Put that down! We're not eating `til
we get to White Castle.
Harold acts like he's going to put the jerky back, but as
soon, as Kumar turns his attention back to Rosenberg and
Goldstein, he slips it his pocket.
KUMAR
(to Rosenberg and
Goldstein)
Now come on guys, let's go.
GOLDSTEIN
Sorry man! We're not going anywhere.
Supposedly, Katie Holmes shows her milk
paps in this movie!
HAROLD
Is that all you Jews ever think about?
Tits?
ROSENBERG
We're talking about Katie Holmes here.
You would never think a sweet, innocent
girl like her would ever take her top
off. Which is precisely why we have to
watch her do it.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 17A.
GOLDSTEIN
Dude, the things I'd eat out of her ass,
you have no idea.
(beat)
Bacon, shellfish, milk with meat, you
name it...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 18.
ROSENBERG
(to Goldstein)
That's a very vulgar statement.
GOLDSTEIN
So is "I want to pound Britney Spears in
the pussy." But it's true.
ROSENBERG
Touché.
(to Harold and Kumar)
Anyway, if you guys want to wait till the
movie's over...
HAROLD and KUMAR have already shut the door.
24 INT. BY THE ELEVATOR - 7:50 PM 24
HAROLD presses the "down" button. KUMAR notices that Harold
has his LAPTOP BAG on his shoulder...
KUMAR
What the hell are you bringing that for?
Harold hands Kumar his keys.
HAROLD
You're driving. I'm gonna try to get
some of my work done in the car.
Kumar then checks his pockets and comes up empty.
KUMAR
Shit, I forgot my cell phone.
HAROLD
Why don't you just run back and get it?
KUMAR
(thinks for a moment)
Nah, we've gone too far.
Reveal that the guys are less than 20 feet from their door.
"Bing!" The elevator door opens and the guys enter.
25 INT. ELEVATOR 25
As Harold and Kumar enter, we hear a DOOR SLAM behind them.
They turn around and see MARIA locking her door. She hasn't
noticed Harold and Kumar yet.
KUMAR
Hey, there's your girlfriend. You
actually gonna talk to her this time?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 19.
Harold's answer becomes clear as he pushes the "door closed"
button repeatedly. The door closes before Maria sees them.
KUMAR
What the hell are you doing? That was a
perfect opportunity! You could have asked
her if she wanted to go to White Castle.
Harold doesn't say anything. He looks down in shame.
KUMAR
You're worthless.
HAROLD
I'm not worthwhile.
26 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (LOBBY) 26
Harold and Kumar exit the elevator...
KUMAR
Dude, it's only awkward because you're a
pussy. Just talk to her once and I
promise you it won't be weird anymore...
HAROLD
It doesn't matter. The only girls
interested in me are girls I have no
interest in. Like Cindy Kim.
KUMAR
Speaking of Cindy, she called earlier.
One of those 58 Asian clubs she's in is
throwing a party at her dorm tonight.
HAROLD
God, she invites me to everything.
KUMAR
So what? She's fucking cute. Let her
touch your penis.
They exit the front door of the building...
26A EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING 26A
Harold and Kumar walk down the steps, where they see COLE and
the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS doing lame skateboard tricks on the
sidewalk near their jeep. They're about to get back in the
jeep, when Cole sees Harold and Kumar walking near them.
COLE
Hey look, it's the Brother's McFag!
(to Harold and Kumar)
Let me guess, the yellow one's the
catcher!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 20.
COLE AND THE PUNKS LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. Harold is
uncomfortable. Kumar just ignores them.
COLE
(to the Punks)
Come on, guys! Let's get ourselves some
fucking Mountain Dew!
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
Extreme!
They take off, driving by Harold and Kumar. Harold gives
them a pissed off look as they drive away.
HAROLD
Why do I have to be the catcher?
KUMAR
Dude, forget about those pricks. Let's
just go.
They continue walking...
27 OMIT 27
28 EXT. STREET 28
Harold and Kumar finally reach Harold's car...
KUMAR
(getting frustrated)
Jesus, that took forever. You know the
purpose of a car is to avoid walking.
(beat)
And what kind of parking job is this?
You're like a mile away from the curb.
HAROLD
Don't even start.
KUMAR
(laughing)
Just fucking with you. Now let's go out
and get those burgers. I'm fucking
starving!
They get in the car and slam the door. The engine starts and
the car takes off, revealing that they were parked next to a
MCDONALD'S.
29 OMIT 29
30 OMIT 30
31 OMIT 31
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 21.
32 OMIT 32
33 OMIT 33
34 EXT. HIGHWAY - 8:30 PM 34
We see Harold's Infiniti driving down the highway.
35 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 35
Harold is meticulously rolling a joint.
KUMAR
Hey, Rold-- do you think C3PO is gay?
HAROLD
Of course he's gay! You remember in the
first Star Wars when he was like...
(in a gay C3PO voice)
"Thank the maker! This oil bath is going
to feel soooo good!"
Kumar laughs.
36 EXT. HIGHWAY - 8:45PM 36
Harold's Infiniti approaches a line of TOLL BOOTHS.
37 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 37
KUMAR pulls up to an EXACT CHANGE TOLL BOOTH.
KUMAR
Dude, give me thirty-five cents.
HAROLD sorts through some change in his hand and gives Kumar
the money. KUMAR tosses the change into the basket and waits
for the TOLL BOOTH STOPLIGHT to turn green. It doesn't.
KUMAR
What's going on? It didn't register.
(beat)
Dude, give me thirty-five more cents.
HAROLD
I don't have anymore change.
KUMAR
Should I just go through?
HAROLD
No. I don't like breaking the law.
Harold licks the joint as he puts the finishing touches on.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 22.
KUMAR
I can see that.
A CAR HONKS BEHIND THEM. Kumar turns around and sees a
number of cars lining up behind them. Right behind them, A
BIG BURLY GUY leans his head out of a car...
BIG BURLY GUY
Hey! Move your ass!
KUMAR
(to Harold)
I'm going through.
HAROLD
Just hold on. I'll walk over to one of
the manned booths and tell them what
happened.
The honking continues as HAROLD starts to open the door...
BIG BURLY GUY
(over the honking)
Move, you fucking twat!
Kumar can't take it anymore. Just as Harold is about to get
out of the car, Kumar hits the gas and screeches away.
HAROLD
Are you crazy?
A LOUD ALARM GOES OFF BEHIND THEM...
HAROLD
Oh shit, we're dead!
Harold throws the joint out the window.
KUMAR
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
HAROLD
(paranoid/looking back)
You just tore out of there! The cops are
gonna catch us!
KUMAR
No they're not!
HAROLD
Take this exit!
KUMAR
What?
HAROLD GRABS THE WHEEL AND TURNS IT!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 23.
38 EXT. HIGHWAY 38
We see Harold's Infiniti swerve onto the Newark EXIT...
39 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI - 9:00 PM 39
HAROLD and KUMAR drive through the dangerous streets of
Newark. They're very quiet, until Kumar breaks the silence.
KUMAR
That was the last of our weed.
HAROLD
Look, I get a little paranoid sometimes.
KUMAR
Now we're in Newark of all places. You
know we're gonna get shot.
HAROLD
Maybe it's not as bad as they say. It's
probably just a bunch of hype.
They look out the window and see another ASIAN and INDIAN guy
(Daniel and Shankar) walking down the street. Suddenly,
THREE HOODS jump out from an alley and start beating the
living shit out of Daniel and Shankar.
Kumar gives Harold a dirty look.
HAROLD
Let's get the hell out of here.
KUMAR continues driving. He makes a turn. All of a sudden, he
stops short, causing he and HAROLD to jerk forward quickly.
HAROLD
What the...
40 EXT. MARTIN LUTHER KING BLVD 40
Directly in front of Harold's Infiniti, A BASKETBALL GAME IS
GOING ON BETWEEN A BUNCH OF HUGE BLACK DUDES, RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE STREET! (There are hoops on both sides.)
The BASKETBALL PLAYERS briefly look over at Harold's Infiniti
before continuing their game.
41 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 41
HAROLD
Dude, we are NOT driving through that
basketball game!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 24.
KUMAR
We have to if we want to get out of here.
Kumar points to a sign indicating that the HIGHWAY is ahead.
HAROLD
Forget about it. No way.
KUMAR
Come on. How do you know they're not
peaceful Gregory Hines-like black guys?
With that, the HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN OF ALL TIME ROARS AS
HE COMPLETES A MONSTER DUNK. In celebration, he violently
bumps chests with his teammates.
HAROLD
Turn the car around.
KUMAR
Why? Are cars not allowed to go through
when a game's going on? When we were
kids, we used to move to the side when we
were playing in the street.
The HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN stares HAROLD and KUMAR down.
HAROLD
For some reason, I don't think this is
the same thing.
KUMAR
I'm going through.
KUMAR begins inching forward.
HAROLD
Don't!
The BASKETBALL PLAYERS slowly begin moving aside.
KUMAR
Look. They're moving. I told you.
Even though the Players are making way for Harold and Kumar,
they're still no more than a foot or two from the car at all
times. Harold is scared shitless. He then notices the
HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN holding the basketball.
HAROLD
Shit, he's gonna throw the ball at us.
KUMAR
How do you know?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 25.
HAROLD
Look at him!
The HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN has an ESPECIALLY ANGRY FACE.
KUMAR
Oh fuck.
KUMAR puts the pedal to the metal and ZOOMS AWAY FROM THEM.
42 EXT. MARTIN LUTHER KING BLVD 42
The BASKETBALL PLAYERS watch the car speed away. AFTER A
COUPLE SECONDS, THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND START
LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY! A RANDOM BASKETBALL PLAYER TURNS TO
THE HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN...
RANDOM BASKETBALL PLAYER
Man, you scared the shit out of them!
Make that face again!
HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN
Okay, okay, okay...
THE HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN suppresses his laughter and
tries to make the face. He bursts out laughing again.
HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN
Shit. I can't do it.
His friends laugh harder. He tries to regain his composure.
HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN
Hold up. Hold up...
He manages to make his angriest face for two seconds, before
bursting out laughing again.
43 EXT. HIGHWAY - 9:45 PM 43
We see Harold's Infiniti back on the highway, driving fast...
HAROLD
That was close, dude.
44 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 44
KUMAR sees a HIGHWAY SIGN-- "NEW BRUNSWICK-- NEXT EXIT."
KUMAR
Rold, check it out! We're almost there!
HAROLD
Yes! Thank God! I'm starving!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 26.
KUMAR
Well, prepare to gorge yourself.
45 EXT. NEW BRUNSWICK EXIT 45
We see Harold's Infiniti take the exit...
46 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET (NEW BRUNSWICK) - 9:55 PM 46
Harold's Infiniti drives down a street, loaded with mini-
malls and fast food joints...
47 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 47
HAROLD and KUMAR are looking for the White Castle...
HAROLD
Oh man, I'm so hungry. I'm gonna eat like
twenty of those burgers.
KUMAR
I'll see your twenty and raise you five
orders of fries.
HAROLD
God, where the hell is this place?
KUMAR
Don't worry, we'll find it.
HAROLD sees a HIGH SCHOOL up ahead...
HAROLD
There's the multiplex!
KUMAR
That means the White Castle should be
just around the corner...
HAROLD AND KUMAR'S MOUTHS DROP! INSTEAD OF WHITE CASTLE,
THEY SEE A BURGER SHACK. THEY'RE IN TOTAL SHOCK.
HAROLD
What the hell's going on, Kumar?! That
doesn't look like a White Castle to me!
KUMAR
We gotta get to the bottom of this!
48 EXT. BURGER SHACK DRIVE THRU - 10:00 PM 48
KUMAR drives right up to the PICK UP WINDOW, where we see a
chubby BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 27.
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
I'm sorry. You have to order at the
drive thru menu...
KUMAR
What happened to the White Castle?
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
Excuse me?
KUMAR
There used to be a White Castle right in
this spot. Where is it?
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
(remembering)
Oh yeah. There was a White Castle here.
Look guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad
news, but Burger Shack bought this
location four years ago.
HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other, devastated.
KUMAR
Please tell me there's another White
Castle in town.
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
Nope.
HAROLD
Are you sure?
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
Do I look like the type of guy who would
be unsure about something like this?
HAROLD and KUMAR are freaking out.
KUMAR
Shit. What are we gonna do?
HAROLD
I don't know. Should we just eat here?
KUMAR
Do you really think that'll satisfy us?
The BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE senses their desperation.
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
There's a 24 hour White Castle in Cherry
Hill, about forty-five minutes away.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 28.
KUMAR
(to Harold)
I can make the trip if you're willing to.
HAROLD
Kumar, I have a shitload of work to
finish. And you have that med school
interview in the morning.
KUMAR
Forget about the med school interview.
It's a non-issue.
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
If I may interject for a moment...
(beat)
I've been an employee here for three
years now, and if there's one thing I've
learned, it's that when you're craving
White Castle, the burgers here simply
won't cut it.
(in his own little world)
In fact, just thinking about those tender
little White Castle burgers and those
grilled onions makes me want to burn this
place to the ground and re-build a White
Castle in its place.
(back to reality)
If I were you, I'd suck it up and make
the trip.
KUMAR looks at HAROLD. The guy makes a convincing case.
HAROLD is clearly torn. We sense that this is an important
moment for the guys...
KUMAR
(enticing Harold)
You can always do your work in the car.
HAROLD thinks for a moment, then licks his lips.
HAROLD
Let's do it.
KUMAR
Then it's settled. No matter what, we're
not ending this night without White
Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?
KUMAR puts his hand out. HAROLD shakes it.
HAROLD
Agreed.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 29.
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
Wise choice. Besides, you wouldn't want
to go near our special sauce tonight.
Some of the guys and I added an extra
ingredient, if you know what I mean.
HAROLD and KUMAR look confused.
BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
I'll give you a hint...
(whispering)
It's semen.
We hear Harold and Kumar scream in disgust as Harold's
Infiniti zooms out of the drive thru...
49 EXT. HIGHWAY - 10:30 PM 49
Harold's Infiniti is back on the highway...
50 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 50
KUMAR is driving with determination in his eyes.
KUMAR
White Castle, here we come. I just wish
we had some more pot. I'm almost
completely sober right now.
HAROLD ignores this. He's TYPING FEVERISHLY ON HIS LAPTOP--
trying to get his work done. Meanwhile, Kumar notices a sign
on for the PRINCETON EXIT.
KUMAR
Nice. Princeton. We're getting off here.
Kumar takes the exit.
HAROLD
Why?
KUMAR
We're gonna sweet talk Cindy Kim into
finding us some weed.
HAROLD
Oh no. I'm not seeing Cindy.
KUMAR
Why the fuck not? You talk to her on the
phone all the time.
HAROLD
She calls me. Then she rambles on about
her East Asian Students club or whatever.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 30.
HAROLD (cont'd)
And I have to pretend like I actually
give a shit, or she'll call me a twinkie.
KUMAR
A twinkie?
HAROLD
You know, yellow on the outside, white on
the inside.
KUMAR
Look you twinkie bitch, you threw our
weed out the window, so now it's your
duty to make sure we're high as shit by
the time we're eating those burgers.
HAROLD
Well, I can't help you out there. Cindy
doesn't smoke. She's not gonna help us.
KUMAR
As long as she buzzes us into a dorm,
we're set. Give me ten minutes in there
and I guarantee I'll find some hizzy.
HAROLD
No, forget it. I'm not seeing Cindy Kim.
51 INT. CINDY KIM'S DORM ROOM - 11:OO PM 51
HAROLD is sitting on a bed, next to CINDY KIM (very cute,
prim and proper, Korean girl). Sitting on the floor are A
DOZEN ASIAN STUDENTS-- pure stereotypes (glasses, nerdy
clothes, etc). Harold is kind of creeped out by them.
CINDY
I'm so glad you showed up, Harold!
HAROLD
(unenthusiastic)
Yeah. Me too.
CINDY
Did you like the Hibiscus petals I glued
to the envelope I sent you?
HAROLD
Uh, yeah. They were...nice.
Suddenly, one of the nerdy Asian students (KENNETH) raises
his hand. HAROLD looks at him strangely, and then over to
Cindy. "Does this guy think I'm a teacher or something?"
Harold sits there and stares at Kenneth for a while...
HAROLD
(to Kenneth)
Uh, yes?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 31.
KENNETH
Kenneth Park. Class of 2004. Is it true
you're an analyst at Brewster Keegan?
HAROLD
Yeah, I'm a junior analyst.
KENNETH
Awesome!
KENNETH high-fives with the nerdy Asian student next to him.
He then raises his hand again. HAROLD rolls his eyes...
HAROLD
Yes?
KENNETH
Uh, this is actually a two-part question.
I'm applying for a summer internship at
Brewster Keegan, and I was wondering a)
what it's like being an investment banker
and b) if you would write me a
recommendation.
HAROLD
What it's like being an investment
banker? Well Kenneth, to be honest, it's
pretty...
HAROLD looks into the eyes of the young, eager, Asian
students. He can't bear to tell them the truth...
HAROLD
...awesome?
All the Asian students start high-fiving with each other.
HAROLD
As for the recommendation, I may be able
to make a call or two...
CINDY looks at her watch...
CINDY
Actually Harold, we should be getting to
the party. We can discuss all this stuff
there. It's just down the hall.
All the Asian students get up...
HAROLD
Sorry, Cindy. I can't go. I have to wait
for Kumar...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 32.
CINDY
You'll see him when we're done. Trust me,
you're gonna love this. Kenny's mom
dropped off a big jar of kimchi jigae.
Kenneth looks proud of himself.
HAROLD
Nice.
CINDY grabs HAROLD's hand and drags him away.
52 INT. DORM HALLWAY - 11:15 PM 52
KUMAR is standing in the hallway, accosting random students.
He sees one RANDOM STUDENT walk by...
KUMAR
Hey! You know where I can get some
chronic?
The RANDOM STUDENT doesn't respond. Kumar is frustrated...
KUMAR
What kind of Ivy League school is this?
52A EXT. PRINCETON DORM - 11:16 PM 52A
Kumar exits the dorm, and walks throughout the quad, asking
random students for drugs. Eventually, a HIPPIE-LOOKING
STUDENT (Phish t-shirt, Birkenstocks) taps KUMAR on the back.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
Heeey, Man. Lookin' to toke up?
KUMAR breathes a sigh of relief...
KUMAR
Thank Christ! Look, just give me a dime
of your finest herb.
The Hippie Asshole opens his backpack. Inside, Kumar sees A
GIANT PLASTIC BAG FILLED WITH WEED. He's awestruck...
KUMAR
Oh my dear sweet lord...
Kumar reaches for the weed, but the Hippie Asshole knocks his
hand away...
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
Yo, man! Not cool! This is my baby,
man!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 33.
Hippie Asshole sizes Kumar up and then gives Kumar him a
measly dime bag...
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
That'll be eighty bucks.
KUMAR
Eighty bucks?! It's worth forty tops,
bro!
The Hippie Asshole grabs the baggy back from Kumar.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
I'm not your bro...bro. And if you feel
like staying sober, go ahead, don't buy
it. That's cool with me. I can find lots
of people who want to get high. I can
smoke it myself, man.
KUMAR
Jesus, what the hell kind of hippie are
you?
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
One who understands the concept of supply
and demand, dude.
Kumar and the Hippie Asshole stare each other down. After a
couple seconds, Kumar shakes his head, pissed off. He takes
out his wallet and hands all his cash to the Hippie Asshole.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
(laughing like a prick)
Dumbass.
Suddenly, CHRISTY and CLARISSA (TWO GORGEOUS TWINS, BLONDE,
BLUE EYES, BIG BREASTS, BRITISH ACCENTS) approach carrying
take-out bags. They see KUMAR and the Hippie Asshole making
their deal.
CHRISTY
Hey, you guys about to smoke?
KUMAR and HIPPIE ASSHOLE turn and see THE TWINS. They're
both floored by their hotness.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
(to the Twins)
Yeah. Wanna come back to my place?
KUMAR
Please. Like they want to go listen to a
bunch of Phish records while you read
your lame ass poetry.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 34.
KUMAR (cont'd)
(to the Twins, showing his
bag of weed)
Ladies? Wanna get high and have some fun?
CHRISTY and CLARISSA look at each other. They like this dude.
CHRISTY CLARISSA
Sure! Sure!
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
(butting in)
Hey, my poetry isn't lame! It's actually
quite good.
The girls clearly aren't convinced. The ignore him and turn
to Kumar. Hippie Asshole is oblivious to the fact he's not
part of the crowd.
CHRISTY
(re: bag of food)
We're just gonna eat before this gets
cold. What do you say we meet you back
in our room in twenty minutes?
CLARISSA
We're in room 109.
KUMAR
109. Got it. I'll see you later.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
Yeah, see you there.
THE TWINS walk away. Kumar's excited. Hippie Asshole tries
to pound fists with Kumar like they're all of a sudden
friends. Kumar snubs him and runs off.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
Not cool, man.
52B INT. DORM HALLWAY 52B
Kumar runs down the hall and finds HAROLD walking with CINDY
and the ASIAN STUDENTS. He runs over to them...
KUMAR
Rold! Rold! You gotta come quick!
There are these two filthy pussies who
are just aching to get boned by us.
KUMAR notices that CINDY is appalled by his choice of words.
KUMAR
Uh...I mean...there are two very lovely,
young pussies who would like to have a
chat with you and I.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 35.
CINDY
Sorry. Harold's coming with us.
KUMAR
That's bullshit. He's coming with me.
Isn't that right, Rold?
CINDY gives HAROLD an evil eye-- he's intimidated by her.
HAROLD
(to Kumar)
Let's go to the party for a little while.
KUMAR
Fuck that!
KUMAR notices an open dorm room nearby. He enters the room,
and returns a few moments later dragging an ASIAN FRESHMAN in
his pajamas. He pushes the Asian Freshman over to Cindy...
KUMAR
Here-- this is Harold's understudy. You
can do whatever you want with him.
(to Harold)
Let's go.
KUMAR grabs HAROLD by the arm and drags him away. CINDY
looks pissed as she watches HAROLD being taken away from her.
53 INT. DORM HALLWAY (DIFFERENT WING) - 11:30 PM 53
KUMAR takes the first puff of a joint.
KUMAR
I can't believe you were gonna ditch me
for the Joy Luck Club. You know what
their parties are like.
HAROLD
Look, what do you want me to say? I was
under pressure.
KUMAR
Just say "no"! That's all it takes. Now
take a hit of this.
Kumar hands Harold the joint...suddenly, a nearby door opens
and a SECURITY GUARD enters the hall. He sees HAROLD and
KUMAR with drugs.
SECURITY GUARD
Hey, what are you two doing?!
HAROLD and KUMAR start running down the hallway.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 36.
SECURITY GUARD
Hey, get back here!
HAROLD and KUMAR duck around the corner. They see a door to
the WOMEN'S BATHROOM.
KUMAR
Quick. In here.
The guys rush into the WOMEN'S BATHROOM.
54 INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM 54
HAROLD and KUMAR try to decide where to hide.
HAROLD
Shit! What if he finds us?
KUMAR
Dude, chill out. He's not gonna look for
us in the women's bathroom.
Harold and Kumar hear TWO FEMALE VOICES outside the bathroom.
KUMAR
Shit! Get in that stall!
There's a line of THREE BATHROOM STALLS on one wall. HAROLD
RUNS INTO STALL NUMBER TWO (the middle one). KUMAR sees the
BATHROOM DOOR START TO OPEN. He also runs into STALL NUMBER
TWO and shuts the door behind him.
The guys struggle to STAND ON THE TOILET BOWL. Harold's
laptop bag keeps smacking Kumar.
CHRISTY and CLARISSA (THE TWINS) enter the bathroom. They're
in mid-conversation.
CHRISTY
Hurry up, I want to go smoke pot with
that cute Indian bloke.
INTERCUT:
IN STALL NUMBER TWO, KUMAR'S ears perk up, as we see HAROLD
and KUMAR both standing on the toilet bowl. From Kumar's POV,
he sees CHRISTY and CLARISSA through the crack of the door.
CLARISSA
It'll be a few minutes, I'm about to have
the worst case of the taco shits.
KUMAR is clearly upset to hear this.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 37.
HAROLD
(whispering)
Ew...gross.
CLARISSA runs into STALL NUMBER ONE and shuts the door.
The sound of the door shutting causes HAROLD and KUMAR to
look over at that stall.
CHRISTY
Oh great. Now I think I have to go.
CHRISTY enters STALL NUMBER THREE and shuts the door.
The sound of the door shutting causes HAROLD and KUMAR to
turn their attention to the other stall. They then look at
each other grossed out.
From above, we see HAROLD and KUMAR struggling, while the
girls have taken their places in the surrounding stalls.
WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF DIARRHEA HITTING THE BOWL.
CLARISSA
Ahhhhh!
HAROLD and KUMAR look horrified. There is silence for a few
seconds until....
CHRISTY
Hey Clarissa. Do you wanna play battle
shits?
We see HAROLD quizzically mouth "battle shits?"
CLARISSA
Oh my God. We haven't played that since
back in camp!
HAROLD and KUMAR look confused.
WE HEAR A LOUD FARTING NOISE, THEN THE SOUND OF SHIT HITTING
THE WATER...
CHRISTY
Wait for it. Wait for it. Ahhhhh!
CLARISSA
Hit!
HAROLD and Kumar look terrified.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 38.
55 EXT. DORM COMMON ROOM 55
Meanwhile, CINDY has left the other students and is roaming
the hallways, looking for Harold. She sees Hippie Asshole
walking by, counting Kumar's money...
CINDY
Have you seen a Korean guy around here?
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
Uh, yeah. There's like, two hundred of
them in this dorm.
(to himself, but audible)
`Tard.
Cindy can't help but feel a little stupid.
56 INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM 56
We hear the sound of diarrhea splattering against the bowl.
CLARISSA
Hit!
We see HAROLD dry heave.
We hear the sound of diarrhea hitting the bowl again.
CLARISSA smiles.
CHRISTY
You sank my destroyer! Scag!
KUMAR almost pukes as HE DROPS THE POT INTO THE TOILET BOWL.
HAROLD
(whispering)
Shit!
THEY SEE THE MARIJUANA UNPROTECTED FLOATING IN THE TOILET.
WE THEN HEAR THE MOST DISGUSTING DIARRHEA SOUND YET.
HAROLD
I CAN'T TAKE THIS!
With that, HAROLD runs out of the stall and exits the
bathroom. The girls look shocked.
CHRISTY
Who was that?
KUMAR looks nervous. He quickly bolts from the bathroom.
CLARISSA
Christy, are you still here?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 39.
Silence until...We hear a SUPER LOUD FART. CHRISTY starts
laughing.
CLARISSA
Damn! You sank my battle shit!
57 EXT. HALLWAY 57
Harold and Kumar run down the dorm hallway, grossed out. As
they run, they suddenly see--
57A INT. COMMON ROOM 57A
Harold and Kumar stop in their tracks when they see the EAST
ASIAN STUDENTS ASSOCIATION party in full blast. All the
"nerdy" asian kids from Cindy's room are grinding with each
other as KENNETH RAPS A FILTHY RAP.
Harold and Kumar look at each other in shock. Some of the
dancing Asian chicks look pretty hot. Kenneth jumps off the
couch he was standing on, holding a big bag of POT BROWNIES.
KENNETH
Pot brownies for everyone!
Kenneth throws some pot brownies in the air. People grab at
them. Harold and Kumar can't believe it.
Two Cute Asian Chicks approach Kenneth...
CUTE ASIAN CHICK #1
Hey, K-dog! Can we have some brownies?
KENNETH
To tell you the truth, I'm running low.
But a quick titty flash may persuade me.
The Korean chicks look at each other. "Should we?" "Okay!"
They lift up their shirts and bras, revealing their boobs.
KUMAR
Dude, I'm starting to think you made a
mistake by not going to this party...
Harold gives him a dirty look. Then, suddenly, the SECURITY
GUARD from before appears in the hallway with ANOTHER
SECURITY GUARD (#2)--
SECURITY GUARD
Hey, you!
The guys turn and see the guards running at them. HAROLD AND
KUMAR RUN AS FAST AS THEY CAN DOWN THE HALLWAY, WITH THE
GUARDS CHASING AFTER THEM...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 40.
Further down the hall, they pass the party. The partygoers
watch as the guys run by, except for Kenneth, who makes a
quick grab at one of the topless girl's boobs. When she
notices, Kenneth quickly looks away, as if he did nothing.
Cindy Kim notices Harold...
CINDY KIM
Harold!
They keep running, past the bathrooms, where Christy and
Clarissa exit...
CHRISTY AND CLARISSA
Kumar!
They continue running.
The guards are still running after Harold and Kumar, who see
the EXIT DOORS just ahead. Suddenly, the Hippie Asshole
walks by, blocking their path.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
(to himself)
Where the hell is 109, man?
Harold is about to avoid him, but Kumar grabs Harold close
and the two of them BASH INTO THE Hippie Asshole-- KNOCKING
HIM ON HIS ASS.
Harold and Kumar burst out the doors and EXIT THE DORM...
The Security Guards run by the Hippie Asshole, but stop when
they see his backpack, which is half-open, and is exposing
THE GIANT BAG OF WEED. The Security Guard picks it up...
SECURITY GUARD
Well, well, well. What have we here?
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
(reaching for the bag)
Aw, dude! Don't take it! It's mine!
He continues to protest as SECURITY GUARD #2 holds him down.
58 EXT. DARK ROAD (PRINCETON) -11:45 PM 58
Harold's car races down a road in the middle of a FOREST.
59 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 59
KUMAR is pissed off as he drives.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 41.
KUMAR
(using his fingers)
I can't believe it. We were this close
to getting high and getting laid.
HAROLD
Oh, come on, you always exaggerate. We
weren't gonna get laid.
KUMAR
Hey, the diarrhea twins would've had sex
with us! And what about Cindy?! She was
looking hot tonight! The fact that you're
not into her just might make you gay!
HAROLD
I know Cindy's cute, it's just...
KUMAR
What? You'd rather have Maria?
From Harold's reaction, it's clear he hit it on the head.
HAROLD
Look, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna end
up with Cindy anyway. It's just more
practical. Now can we drop this and get
our asses to White Castle?
KUMAR
Fine.
Suddenly, KUMAR pulls the car over to the side of the road...
HAROLD
Now what are you doing?
KUMAR
Daddy needs to urinate.
Harold rolls his eyes.
60 EXT. WOODS NEAR ROAD - 11:50 PM 60
KUMAR gets out of the car (leaving the car door open). He
walks onto the grass near the road for about fifteen yards
until HE FINDS A NICE BUSH. HE UNZIPS HIS PANTS AND STARTS
PEEING ON THE BUSH..
KUMAR
Oh yes! Yes, that's nice.
61 INT. CAR 61
HAROLD TAKES OUT HIS LAPTOP AND BEGINS WORKING FEVERISHLY.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 42.
As he types, A RACCOON JUMPS INTO THE CAR AND CRAWLS INTO THE
BACK SEAT. HAROLD doesn't see this.
62 EXT. BUSH NEAR DARK ROAD 62
KUMAR is still peeing. Suddenly, A CREEPY GUY (FROM OUT OF
NOWHERE) walks over to him. The Creepy Guy unzips his pants
and starts urinating IN THE SAME BUSH, RIGHT NEXT TO KUMAR!
Kumar looks at the Creepy Guy -- totally confused. The
Creepy Guy simply goes about his business. It's clear that
Kumar wants to say something. He remains silent for a couple
seconds, until he can't take it anymore...
KUMAR
Excuse me...I'm sorry, I just have to ask
you...why are you peeing here?
CREEPY GUY
What do you mean?
KUMAR
Why did you decide to piss here right
next to me? Why not that bush over there?
CREEPY GUY
Well, this looked like a good bush to pee
on. Why'd you choose this bush?
KUMAR
Nobody was here when I chose this bush.
CREEPY GUY
(getting heated)
So you can pee here and nobody else can,
is that it?
KUMAR
I was just saying....
CREEPY GUY
Is this like your special bush or
something?
KUMAR
No, I just...
(beat)
You know what? Forget about it. I'm not
in the mood to get stabbed right now.
The CREEPY GUY calms down. He and KUMAR silently urinate
next to each other for about TEN SECONDS, until the Creepy
Guy subtly looks at Kumar's package.
CREEPY GUY
Nice pubes.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 43.
KUMAR
Thanks.
63 INT. CAR - 11:55 PM 63
KUMAR gets into the car and shuts the door. He hits the gas
and continues driving down the dark road...
HAROLD
Do you even know where you're going?
KUMAR
I'll be honest, I'm a little lost. But
don't worry. Once we get on the highway,
we'll be there soon.
HAROLD
We better.
It starts to rain...
HAROLD
Shit, now it's raining.
KUMAR
What's the big deal?
HAROLD
Look, I'm completely on edge right now,
okay? After all the shit we've been
through tonight, I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
AT THAT MOMENT, THE RACCOON JUMPS OUT FROM UNDER HAROLD'S
SEAT, CRAWLS OVER THE LAPTOP, ONTO HIS CHEST, AND STARTS
BITING HIS NECK...
HAROLD
AHHHHH!!! FUCK!!!!
KUMAR turns and sees the raccoon on Harold.
KUMAR
Holy shit!
HAROLD tries to pry the raccoon away from his neck. KUMAR
tries to help him.
64 EXT. DIRT ROAD 64
We see Harold's Infiniti SWERVING BACK AND FORTH.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 43A.
65 INT. CAR 65
HAROLD FINALLY GETS THE RACCOON OFF OF HIM. He holds it as
far away from his face as possible. The raccoon's arms and
legs are scurrying around-- trying to escape.
KUMAR
How the hell did that get in here?
HAROLD
Shit! It bit my neck! I probably have
rabies now or something!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 44.
KUMAR
(looking at Harold's neck)
Don't worry. He didn't even break your
skin. You'll be fine.
SUDDENLY, THE RACCOON COUGHS UP BLOOD ONTO HAROLD'S SHIRT.
HAROLD
Oh, that's not good!
HAROLD TURNS THE RACCOON AWAY FROM HIM. THE RACCOON COUGHS
UP BLOOD ONTO KUMAR.
KUMAR
Ahh! Dude, get that fucking cancer
raccoon away from me!!!
KUMAR SWERVES THE CAR IN A PANIC, AS HAROLD OPENS HIS WINDOW.
KUMAR WATCHES AS HAROLD CHUCKS THE RACCOON OUT THE WINDOW.
KUMAR
Thank Christ!
Kumar looks back onto the road, where HE SEES A PAIR OF
HEADLIGHTS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR HIM!
HAROLD KUMAR
Shit!!! Shit!!!
KUMAR quickly hits the brakes, as does the other car. HAROLD
and KUMAR look at each other, breathing heavily. They watch
nervously as the other DRIVER exits his car and begins
walking over to them.
HAROLD
Uh-oh.
KUMAR rolls down his window. The DRIVER peers inside...
GOLDSTEIN
What the hell do you think you were
doing? You almost killed us!
GOLDSTEIN sees that it's HAROLD and KUMAR.
GOLDSTEIN
Holy Shit!
KUMAR
Goldstein?
HAROLD breathes a sigh of relief.
GOLDSTEIN
(to his car)
Dude, it's Rold and Kumar!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 45.
Rosenberg gets out of the car and walks over. HAROLD and
KUMAR get out of their car.
66 EXT. ROAD - 12:00 AM 66
The four of them stand in the middle of the road.
KUMAR
What the hell are you guys doing here?
ROSENBERG
We got the munchies, so we're out trying
to find a Hot Dog Heaven.
ROSENBERG
What about you guys? How was White
Castle?
HAROLD
(feeling his neck)
We haven't gotten there yet. I think I
got rabies, though.
KUMAR
(to Goldstein/ignoring
Harold)
Dude-- how were Katie Holmes' tits?
GOLDSTEIN
You know the holocaust?
KUMAR
Yeah.
GOLDSTEIN
Picture the exact opposite of that.
KUMAR
Nice.
ROSENBERG
Apologize to Hashem.
GOLDSTEIN
Who the hell is...
ROSENBERG
Just apologize!
GOLDSTEIN
Okay, I'm sorry.
ROSENBERG
(to Goldstein)
You really need to meet a girl.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 45A.
KUMAR
(to Goldstein)
Well, if you have the yellow fever
tonight, there's a rocking Asian party
over at Princeton tonight.
GOLDSTEIN
Man, I have the yellow plague. There's
nothing sexier than a hot Asian
chick...or dude for that matter...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 46.
Goldstein starts moving towards Harold, and reaches out to
grab his cock. Harold quickly backs away...
GOLDSTEIN
(reaching for cock)
Come on, let me suck it...let me see it
and suck on it...come on, Rold, let's rub
our dicks together...Jewish swordfight...
Harold backs away as the other three laugh...
HAROLD
Will you stop it? I'm feeling very
woozy. I may have to go to the hospital.
KUMAR
Dude, you don't have rabies! We're not
going to the hospital.
GOLDSTEIN
(to Rosenberg)
Yo, we gotta hit this Asian party.
ROSENBERG
Oh no! No more detours! Let's just stick
with the plan and get to Krispee Kreme.
(to Harold and Kumar)
You guys wouldn't believe some of the
weird shit we've been through the last
couple hours.
Harold and Kumar look at each other-- "if they only knew..."
67 OMIT 67
68 OMIT 68
69 OMIT 69
70 OMIT 70
71 OMIT 71
72 OMIT 72
73 EXT. HOSPITAL - 12:20 AM 73
Establishing.
74 INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM 74
Kumar is sitting in the waiting room. He hides his head in a
jittery manner, as if he's hiding from someone. Next to him
are DANIEL and SHANKAR, who are both badly beaten and nursing
their wounds. They all make eye contact. It's weird.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 46A.
Harold enters the room with a band-aid on his neck...
HAROLD
I don't have rabies.
Kumar stands up quickly.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 47.
KUMAR
Great, let's get out of here.
Just as Harold and Kumar walk down the hallway to the EXIT...
MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT (O.S.)
Kumar!!!
Kumar know that voice all too well...
KUMAR
Shit.
KUMAR turns around and sees HIS FATHER standing next to HIS
BROTHER SAIKAT (a nerdy-looking Indian guy with glasses, five
years older than Kumar). Both are in doctor attire.
HAROLD
Oh, now I see why you didn't want to come
to the hospital.
Kumar gives Harold an annoyed look as his dad approaches.
KUMAR'S FATHER
(thick accent)
I hope you are here to apologize for what
you did in your interview today. Dr.
Woodruff is a very good friend of mine,
and let's just say he was not at all
amused by your antics...and neither am I.
SAIKAT
(no accent)
What the hell's wrong with you, Kumar?
Look at me. I own my own house. I drive a
beamer. And I get laid whenever I want.
You can have all that too, if you'd just
get off your ass and go to med school.
KUMAR
Eat my balls, Saikat.
SAIKAT
God, you're 22 years old already! When
are you gonna grow up and stop with this
post-college rebel bullshit? Like your
life is so tough.
Kumar doesn't have a response. Saikat's right.
KUMAR'S FATHER
I will not tolerate this business from
you any longer. You have one more
interview tomorrow and it is the last one
I'm setting up for you.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 48.
KUMAR'S FATHER (cont'd)
If I hear from Dr. Wein that you were
anything short of spectacular, I'll
completely cut you off!
KUMAR
Oh, come on, dad!
KUMAR'S FATHER
"Daddy will not be coming on anything!"
You will be there and you will behave!
I've put too much time and effort into
you to let you go and fuck it all up.
KUMAR lowers his head. He's been put in his place.
KUMAR
You're right. I'm sorry.
KUMAR gives HIS FATHER a hug. He even gives SAIKAT a hug.
KUMAR
It won't happen again.
KUMAR'S FATHER
Good. I'll speak with you tomorrow.
KUMAR'S FATHER gives KUMAR a quick kiss on the head, then he
and SAIKAT walk away. HAROLD is stunned...
HAROLD
Wow. So I guess you're going to med
school after all, huh?
KUMAR
Fuck that! Like I care what my dad
thinks. I can't wait to see the look on
his face when he finds out I skipped the
interview tomorrow. He wants to cut me
off? Fine! I don't need his money!
HAROLD
(extremely confused)
But...you just hugged him...
KUMAR
I just needed to get my hands on these...
KUMAR holds up SAIKAT and HIS FATHER'S SCAN CARDS.
KUMAR
Two words-- medical marijuana.
HAROLD shakes his head in disgust.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 49.
74A INT. DOCTOR'S LOUNGE 74A
Using the SCAN CARDS, Harold and Kumar walk into a room where
there are loads of medical supplies, including SCRUBS. Kumar
grabs a couple and hands one to Harold. They put them on...
KUMAR
Look, I'm telling you, they see an Indian
and Asian guy wearing these and they'll
just assume we're doctors. Then we walk
right into the pharmacy and get the weed.
Harold does not appear happy he's doing this.
75 INT. HALLWAY 75
HAROLD and KUMAR (now wearing blue jackets and doctors masks)
walk out of the lounge and head down the hallway...
HAROLD
If we get caught, you're taking the
blame. This wasn't my idea.
KUMAR
We're not gonna get caught. We're gonna
get toasted and then we're gonna eat
delicious White Castle-- just like we
planned.
All of a sudden, a hand grabs Kumar from behind. Freaked
out, they turn around and see a MALE NURSE (frazzled, touchy
feely).
MALE NURSE
Dr. Patel, thank God I found you! I need
your help immediately!
The NURSE drags them to a nearby emergency room...
76 INT. EMERGENCY ROOM 76
The scene is very fast paced, with several YOUNG MEDICAL
TECHNICIANS rushing around. Harold is confused and concerned
as the Nurse leads he and Kumar over towards a patient...
HAROLD
(whispering to Kumar)
What the hell's going on here?
KUMAR
He must think I'm Saikat. Don't worry.
Leave the talking up to me.
On the operating table is a PATIENT BLEEDING FROM HIS CHEST.
He is conscious and appears to be in a lot of pain.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 50.
MALE NURSE
The patient was brought in by EMS five
minutes ago. He has three gunshot wounds
with entry in the anterior abdomen. No
exit wounds.
HAROLD sees blood squirt out of the PATIENT'S chest.
HAROLD
Oh shit! This guy's gonna die!!!
THE PATIENT HEARS THIS AND LOOKS NERVOUSLY AT HAROLD.
MALE NURSE
It's a good thing I found you two. All
the other surgeons are working on other
patients...
The NURSE hands HAROLD a surgical instrument.
HAROLD
Wait. Hold on. You see you got this all
wrong. We're not doc...
KUMAR interrupts before HAROLD can tell her the truth.
KUMAR
What Dr. Lee is trying to say is that we
need to sedate the patient first or else
he could go into cardiac arrest.
HAROLD looks at KUMAR confused and nervous.
MALE NURSE
Alright. I'll get the anesthesiologist.
The NURSE is about to rush away, but Kumar stops him.
KUMAR
Hold on. What we should probably use is
marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate
the patient for surgery.
MALE NURSE
(confused)
Marijuana? But why...
KUMAR
We don't have time for questions! We
need marijuana now! Get as much of it as
possible! Like a big bag of it!
KUMAR shows the amount he wants with his hands.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 51.
MALE NURSE
But doctor, we don't have marijuana in
this hospital.
HAROLD gives KUMAR a dirty look.
KUMAR
(to himself)
Shit.
Suddenly, more blood squirts from the Patient's chest.
Harold shouts in disgust, making the Patient more nervous...
MALE NURSE
We're losing him! You gotta do something!
KUMAR
(disappointed)
Very well. I guess we'll have to do this
the old fashioned way.
KUMAR puts a nitrous oxide mask over the Patient's face.
Harold gives Kumar a look-- "What the fuck are you doing?"
KUMAR (CONT'D)
First, we need to clear his C-spine. I
want stat x-rays of the chest and
abdomen. Give me two large bore IVs and
start a ringers lactate push. Nurse, we
need 2 units of O neg on board.
Using the surgical equipment, Kumar actually begins removing
bullets from the bleeding patient!!! Harold can't believe
what's going on.
Suddenly, the Patient begins having trouble breathing! He's
gasping for air! The BEEPING SOUND monitoring his heart rate
begins speeding up to an insane pace.
MALE NURSE
Doctor! The patient is desatting!
Kumar quickly examines the patient's chest...
KUMAR
Ah, I see. The Patient's got a collapsed
lung. Get me a 14-gage Angiocath, stat!
After a couple seconds go by...
KUMAR
What's taking so long?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 52.
The NURSE hands KUMAR what is essentially a LARGE NEEDLE!
Kumar directs the needle in the direction of the Patient's
chest. It's a tense moment. The Patient is scared. So is
Harold. The Nurse looks hopeful. Kumar looks determined.
With a quick thrust, Kumar jabs the needle into the Patient's
chest, causing a rush of air! The Patient breathes easier.
His heart rate drops back to normal.
MALE NURSE
Great catch doctor! His sat is up to 94!
Kumar is cool and collected. He turns to the YOUNG MEDICAL
TECHNICIANS who have been aiding the surgery.
KUMAR
(casual)
Will one of you guys put the chest tube
in and wrap this up?
A chorus of "yes, doctors."
KUMAR
(taking off his gloves)
Well, it looks like my work here is done.
Kumar pulls the gas mask from the patient's face up to his
face and takes a deep breath, getting a big hit of nitrous.
He then leans down to the BLEEDING PATIENT, who is just
barely conscious -- but seems in good spirits...
KUMAR (CONT'D)
Say, you wouldn't happen to know the
quickest way to get to the White Castle
in Cherry Hill from here, do you?
77 EXT. TOWN STREETS - 1:00 AM 77
Harold's car is cruising down some streets lined with stores.
78 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 78
Harold is very excited. Kumar is proud of himself, but
playing it cool.
HAROLD
I'm telling you. That was amazing! Even
your dad would've been impressed!
KUMAR
(nonchalant)
Yeah. It wasn't bad.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 52A.
HAROLD
This is perfect! We're back on the road.
We have directions now. The rain let up.
And guess what...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 53.
HAROLD clicks on the "SAVE" option on his laptop...
HAROLD
I'm officially done with my work.
(beat)
I'm telling you, things are finally
starting to go our way.
While they're stopped at a red light, Kumar takes in his
surroundings and notices something...
KUMAR
Hey, check it out! Your movie's playing.
Outside, to Kumar's left, on the marquee of a movie theater
we see: "JOHN HUGHES RETROSPECTIVE. CURLY SUE - 9:00.
SIXTEEN CANDLES - 11:00.
KUMAR
And look who went to see it...
Harold looks at the crowd leaving the theater and sees MARIA
standing outside, all by herself. He can't believe it.
HAROLD
Holy shit.
KUMAR
You see? You thought you two had nothing
in common. But it turns out you both
have the same lame taste in movies. Hey,
you wanna see if she wants to come with
us to White Castle?
HAROLD
No way. Forget about it. Just drive.
Kumar puts his hands on Harold's shoulders to get his
undivided attention.
KUMAR
Harold. It's one in the morning. We're an
hour from home. And who do we see, but
your dream girl standing outside a
theater playing your favorite movie. I
mean, if we were in a cheesy romantic
comedy, and I was your annoying gay
friend, this would be the moment I'd tell
you "this is a sign."
HAROLD
Stop it.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 54.
KUMAR
Come on. Just pretend you're a nerdy
Asian Tom Hanks and she's a hot Latina
Meg Ryan...with bigger tits. Besides, you
yourself said things are starting to go
our way...
HAROLD
Let's just go!
KUMAR presses a button CAUSING HAROLD'S WINDOW TO GO DOWN.
HAROLD
What are you doing?!
KUMAR
(calling out)
Hey Maria!
MARIA looks up. HAROLD QUICKLY DUCKS IN HIS SEAT. HE THEN
REACHES DOWN WITH HIS HAND TO HIT THE GAS PEDDLE. THE CAR
STARTS PEELING OUT...
KUMAR
Hey, get your hand off the gas!
Kumar tries kicking Harold's hand off the gas. Just then,
THE CAR BEGINS SHAKING INTENSELY...
KUMAR
(looking up)
Oh shit!
Harold's Infiniti HAS DRIVEN OFF THE ROAD AND IS SPEEDING
DOWN A DIRT AND ROCK COVERED HILL.
KUMAR grabs control of the wheel and tries to steer the car
safely. HAROLD is bumping around on the way down the hill.
Finally, they reach the bottom of the hill, near a DIRT ROAD.
HAROLD
You asshole! My car's probably all
scratched up now!
KUMAR
Don't blame me. You're the one who ran us
off the road!
HAROLD
I told you I didn't want to speak to her!
(composing himself)
Whatever. Let's jut get back on the
highway.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 55.
KUMAR
Fine.
KUMAR presses the gas. Suddenly, we hear a "POP!" Harold and
Kumar look at each other-- angry and frustrated.
79 EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - 1:15 AM 79
HAROLD examines the flat tire. Kumar is standing nearby.
There's not another car in site.
HAROLD
Godammit. You know how to change a flat?
KUMAR
Please. Only hicks and Italian guys know
how to change a tire.
Harold looks in his trunk for the spare. It's missing.
HAROLD
Where's my spare tire?
KUMAR
I don't know.
HAROLD
Shit, where the hell is it?
Kumar suddenly remembers...
KUMAR
Oh yeah! Don't you remember that time we
got baked and started throwing shit off
that bridge to see if it would float?
HAROLD
What bridge? What the hell are you
talking about?
KUMAR
(realizing)
Oh shit. That's right. I was with
Goldstein. We borrowed your car that day.
My bad.
HAROLD
Your bad? What are the hell are we gonna
do now?!
Suddenly, they see AN OLD PICK-UP TRUCK driving in their
direction. HAROLD and KUMAR wave it down. The truck stops
in front of them. The door opens and a SHADOWY FIGURE begins
walking towards them. Harold and Kumar are nervous. As soon
as the FIGURE reaches them, LIGHTENING STRIKES.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 56.
It's the UGLIEST MAN OF ALL TIME-- he's in his fifties,
wearing a crappy mesh cap, but most notably, HE HAS LARGE
BUMPS AND BOILS ALL OVER HIS FACE. Harold and Kumar jump
back in fear as they catch their first glimpse of him.
UGLY MAN
You boys need some help?
The UGLY MAN takes off his mesh cap. Even his haircut is
freaky. He has a SKULLET (A MULLET BUT WITH NO HAIR ON TOP).
HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other, freaked out.
80 EXT. DIRT ROAD - 1:20 AM 80
The UGLY MAN'S TRUCK tows Harold's Infiniti down a dirt road.
81 INT. TRUCK 81
The UGLY MAN is driving. KUMAR is in the front seat, on the
passenger side. HAROLD is sandwiched between them.
HAROLD
Thanks for helping us out.
FREAK SHOW
No problem at all. Saw you boys stranded
there and thought to myself, "what would
Jesus do?"
Harold and Kumar look at each other. They then notice a
JESUS CHRIST bobble-head doll on the dashboard...
FREAK SHOW
So, you boys worship Christ?
The guys look at each other again, not sure how to respond.
HAROLD KUMAR
Uh...Yeah. Sure, he's great.
UGLY MAN
Great. Good to hear it. The name's
Randy...but everyone calls me Freak Show.
KUMAR
I'm Kumar. This is Harold. Good to meet
you, Mr...Freak Show.
FREAK SHOW
Pleasure's all mine.
After a while, HAROLD starts to notice that they're driving
in the middle of a dark woods. It looks very sketchy.
HAROLD
So where exactly are we going?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 57.
FREAK SHOW
Don't worry. My place isn't too far from
here. Once we get there, I'll have your
ride fixed up in a jiffy.
The guys silently continue driving, until KUMAR notices a
RASH OF BOILS ON FREAK SHOW'S NECK.
KUMAR
(whispering to Harold)
Eww-- check out those boils on his neck!
HAROLD nudges him to be quiet. KUMAR looks back over at
FREAK SHOW and sees that ONE OF THE BOILS IS PULSATING.
KUMAR
(whispering)
Oh my God! You gotta look! One of
them's actually pulsating!
HAROLD
(whispering)
Will you shut up? He's right next to me!
He can hear you!
KUMAR sees that A WHITE PUSS IS NOW OOZING FROM THE BOIL.
KUMAR
(whispering)
Now there's some sort of puss! It's the
most disgusting thing I've ever seen!
HAROLD
(whispering)
What's the matter with you? You think
that just because you're whispering, he
can't hear what you're saying? He's two
feet away from us. He can hear this
entire conversation. He can hear me
talking right now.
KUMAR
(whispering)
Don't worry, he can't hear anything. Not
with all that crust in his ear.
HAROLD gives KUMAR a hard elbow to the stomach. He then
looks nervously at FREAK SHOW, who doesn't seem to have heard
a thing. Harold seems relieved.
FREAK SHOW
I heard every word you said.
FREAK SHOW doesn't say anything else. HAROLD and KUMAR don't
know how to react. They feel really uncomfortable. The fact
that nothing happens makes it all the more awkward for them.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 58.
82 EXT. FREAK SHOW'S HOUSE - 1:30 AM 82
HAROLD (with laptop in tow) and KUMAR stand by their car, as
FREAK SHOW brings out some tools and a new tire from his
house, which is run-down and in the middle of nowhere.
FREAK SHOW
Now it's gonna take me a little while
here, so if you boys like you can go
inside, wash up, fuck my wife, have
something to drink, watch tv-- anything
you want. Mi casa es su casa. Just
don't do anything Jesus wouldn't do.
FREAK SHOW gives HAROLD a pat on the back and starts changing
the tire. KUMAR and HAROLD look at each other. Slowly, they
walk towards FREAK SHOW's house...
KUMAR
Am I deaf or did he just say we can fuck
his wife?
HAROLD
He couldn't have said that.
KUMAR
But he did! It may have been in mid-
sentence, but it was still clear as day.
They reach the front door and are about to enter...
HAROLD
Who cares? You've seen Freak Show. What
do you think his wife is gonna look like?
83 INT. FREAK SHOW'S HOUSE 83
HAROLD and KUMAR walk inside and see THE HOTTEST CHICK OF ALL
TIME (LIANE) walk out of the kitchen. She is dressed Daisy
Dukes and a tight, skimpy shirt, that accentuates her chest.
LIANE
Hi. I'm Freak Show's wife, Liane. Would
you boys like some pink lemonade?
HAROLD and KUMAR can't move. They're awestruck.
LIANE
Let me go bring in a pitcher.
LIANE leaves to go into the kitchen. Along the way, she
turns on a record player, which starts playing a CREEPY SONG
ABOUT JESUS CHRIST. HAROLD and KUMAR look around the house.
There are crosses and Bible Verses on the walls, along with
Freak Show and Liane's wedding picture...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 59.
HAROLD
Okay. It's official. We've entered the
Twilight Zone.
KUMAR
Dude, Liane is fucking hot!
HAROLD
She's not ugly.
LIANE comes in with the pitcher of lemonade. She pours them
drinks and hands them the glasses...
KUMAR
Thanks.
(beat)
So, tell me Liane-- how are things
between you and Freak Show presently?
LIANE
Oh, never been better. We love each
other very much.
KUMAR looks disappointed. HAROLD, however, is intrigued...
HAROLD
Can I ask-- how does a guy...like Freak
Show...end up with a woman like yourself?
LIANE
Well, I met him at choir practice `bout
four years ago. Freak Show was very shy
back then-- you know, because of all the
hideous boils on his face and neck. But
he had the most amazing voice -- like a
baby canary.
Harold and Kumar look at each other in disbelief -- "are we
talking about the same Freakshow?"
LIANE
Well, one day after Easter service, I
told him how much I enjoyed his solo, and
he just mustered up some courage and
asked me out. The rest is history. And
we've been in love ever since.
HAROLD ponders this for a moment. He and KUMAR begin
drinking their lemonade.
LIANE
So you boys gonna fuck me or what?
HAROLD and KUMAR spit the lemonade out simultaneously. They
look at each other in complete shock. Kumar turns to Harold.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 60.
KUMAR
Rock, paper, scissors to see who goes
first?
HAROLD
Wait a second-- what about Freak
Show...and this whole Christian thing you
guys have going on?
LIANE
(a little offended)
Oh, so just because we're passionate
about our Lord, you assume we don't know
how to have a good time?
HAROLD
No, I just...
Liane starts playing with the knot in her shirt. Harold and
Kumar stare unabashedly. Harold looks outside the window,
where he sees Freak Show changing the tire, apparently busy.
HAROLD
Nevermind.
(to Kumar, swinging his
hand)
Okay, rock, paper, scissors...
LIANE
Sorry-- if you boys want me, you gotta do
me at the same time.
HAROLD
Huh?
LIANE
Come on. Give me the double stuff.
HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other confused.
KUMAR
I'm not sure we quite understand...
LIANE
I want you both inside me simultaneously.
HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other again, more confused and
kind of disturbed. Kumar turns to LIANE...
KUMAR
Um, are we talking about one hole or two?
LIANE
However you want to do it.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 61.
HAROLD
Sorry, no thank you.
KUMAR
(to Harold)
Shh! Two holes it might not be that bad.
(beat)
Shotgun anus!
HAROLD
Forget it! I don't want our balls
rubbing against each other. No way!
KUMAR turns to LIANE in desperation...
KUMAR
What about blow jobs?! Can we get blow
jobs!?
LIANE
Well...okay.
(to Harold)
Can you help me with this...?
Liane walks over to Harold, seductively. Harold is nervous
and doesn't know what he should do. She takes his hand and
puts it on the knot in her shirt. Harold looks over to Kumar,
who gives him a reassuring nod. Harold then pulls on the
cloth, causing the knot to come loose, thereby releasing her
shirt. The shirt is now hanging and just barely covering her
breasts.
LIANE
(to Harold, re: breasts)
Do you want to play with them?
Harold looks over to Kumar, then back at Liane...
HAROLD
Okay, let's do that.
Liane takes Harold's hands and places them on her breasts.
Kumar looks on enviously. Liane moans in pleasure as Harold
starts to massage her chest.
AT THAT MOMENT, FREAK SHOW ENTERS THE ROOM, holding a
particularly threatening TIRE-IRON...
FREAK SHOW
Hey boys-- I changed your tire...
FREAK SHOW sees HAROLD with LIANE...
FREAK SHOW
What the hell are you doing with my wife!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 62.
HAROLD
(scared shitless)
Uhh...you said outside that we can have
sex with her!
FREAK SHOW runs over to HAROLD and grabs him by the collar!
FREAK SHOW
I most certainly did not say that!
KUMAR
No. You did. We both heard you.
FREAK SHOW
(calming down)
Are you sure?
KUMAR
Positive.
FREAK SHOW ponders this.
FREAK SHOW
Oh...my mistake then.
KUMAR
No problem.
FREAK SHOW
Well, since we're all here, why not make
it a foursome?
FREAK SHOW PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND
HAROLD AND KUMAR...
FREAK SHOW
Who wants the first reach-around?
84 EXT. FREAK SHOW'S HOUSE 84
HAROLD and KUMAR burst out the front door and run towards
their car. They get in and peel out as fast as they can.
85 EXT. DIRT ROAD - 1:45 AM 85
Harold's Infiniti is driving down a dusty trail in the woods.
86 INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI 86
KUMAR
Okay, let's agree never to talk about
what just happened.
HAROLD
Agreed.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 63.
KUMAR searches for some clue of where they are.
KUMAR
Dude, I have no idea where we are.
All of a sudden, A HITCHHIKER waves them down up ahead.
KUMAR
Hey, a hitchhiker. Should we pick him up?
HAROLD
And get chopped to bits? Are you crazy?
Kumar pulls over to the side of the road...
KUMAR
Oh, calm down. We're lost. He may know
how to get us back on the highway.
HAROLD
Fuck that! It's my car! We're not
picking up a hitchhiker!
The back door opens and Neil (hitchhiker), gets into the car.
NEIL
Yo, man, thanks for picking me up.
HAROLD and KUMAR look at NEIL and then look at each other.
THEY ARE IN COMPLETE SHOCK. Harold is no longer angry.
HAROLD
(to Neil)
Uh...excuse me, but...are you Neil
Patrick Harris?
NEIL
Yep.
KUMAR
Holy shit, dude! Doogie Howser, M.D. was
my favorite TV show growing up! You were
my idol!
NEIL
(curt)
Hey, that's great. Do you think we could
get going? I'm bored as shit back here.
87 EXT. DIRT ROAD 87
We see Harold's Infiniti drive back onto the road...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 64.
88 INT. CAR 88
KUMAR
So, Neil, I have to ask you-- did you
ever get it on with Wanda off the set?
NEIL
Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on
that show.
KUMAR
Even the chick who played the hot nurse?
NEIL
No, I didn't go all the way with her.
HAROLD
Hey, you don't know how to get back on
the highway, do you?
NEIL
I don't even know where the fuck I am
right now. I was at this party earlier
tonight, and this dude hooked me up with
some killer X. Somehow I ended up
getting thrown out of a moving car, and
I've been tripping balls ever since.
HAROLD and KUMAR both find this to be quite strange.
KUMAR
Well, our night's been pretty crazy too.
We've been driving around for hours,
trying to get to White Castle, but we
keep getting sidetracked.
NEIL
Dude, forget White Castle. What we need
is some pussy.
HAROLD
Huh?
NEIL
It's a fucking sausage fest in here.
Let's get us some poon-tang. Then we'll
go to White Castle.
KUMAR
You don't understand, Neil. We've been
craving these burgers all night.
NEIL
I've been craving burgers too. Fur
burgers, that is.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 65.
NEIL (cont'd)
Let's pick up some trim at a strip club.
The Doogie line always works on
strippers.
HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other-- weirded out.
KUMAR
Hey, there's a gas station! Let's stop
and get directions.
KUMAR quickly makes a turn onto a NORMAL-LOOKING STREET
leading up to a gas station in the distance...
89 EXT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE - 1:50 AM 89
HAROLD and KUMAR get out of the car. NEIL is still in the
backseat. The car is still running.
HAROLD
We'll be right back, Neil.
NEIL shakes his head, disappointed. Harold and Kumar start
walking over to the CONVENIENCE STORE.
HAROLD
What's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris?
Why's he so horny?
KUMAR
I don't know. But we can't let him
interfere with our quest.
Suddenly, Cole's Yellow Jeep drives right by them. They have
to jump out of the way. Cole parks the jeep and exits with
TWO OF THE EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS.
COLE
Late night math league meeting, homos?
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
(to Cole)
Extreme!
HAROLD
(upset)
Oh shit. These idiots.
Cole and the Two Punks push past Harold and Kumar and walk
into the store. Harold and Kumar enter after them...
90 INT. CONVENIENCE STORE 90
HAROLD and KUMAR walk into the store, where they see Cole and
the Punks are nonchalantly knocking over random items from
the shelves. They then begin playing HACKEYSACK with a
HOSTESS-like PIE. The CASHIER (an OLD INDIAN MAN IN HIS
SIXTIES) throws out a couple indecipherable protests...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 66.
INDIAN CASHIER
(to Cole and the punks)
Please...the pies...do not...
Cole and the Punks ignore him. Harold and Kumar then
approach the Indian Cashier...
HAROLD
Excuse me-- can you tell us how to get
onto the highway from here?
The INDIAN CASHIER shrugs his shoulders.
KUMAR
(to Harold)
He probably can't speak English...
KUMAR SAYS A FEW WORDS IN HINDI, WHICH LIGHTS UP THE
CASHIER'S EYES. Kumar listens as the Cashier tells him the
directions in Hindi-- it takes the Cashier a long time to
explain it. He mentions numerous streets and routes. It
sounds like it's very complicated.
Meanwhile, while they are talking, HAROLD suddenly sees TWO
MORE EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS enter the store, CARRYING A KAYAK
AND A PADDLE. They carry the kayak to the back of the store.
Harold has no idea what the hell is going on. KUMAR and the
CASHIER are too busy talking to notice. Harold watches
nervously as COLE PUTS ON A HELMET AND GETS INTO THE KAYAK...
KUMAR
Who knew that learning Hindi would
actually pay off? The guy says the
highway's just down the road. We should
be in Cherry Hill in ten minutes.
HAROLD is still focused on COLE and the EXTREME PUNKS...
HAROLD
(to Kumar)
Huh? Oh, good.
COLE (O.S.)
EXTREME KAYAKING!!!
HAROLD, KUMAR, and the INDIAN CASHIER immediately turn and
look at COLE, WHO IS IN THE KAYAK-- WHICH IS BEING HELD UP BY
THE EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS. THE PUNKS RUN DOWN THE AISLE WITH
THE KAYAK AND LAUNCH IT INTO THE AIR...
In slow motion, we see COLE swing his paddle around in mid-
air, KNOCKING OVER EVERYTHING ON THE SHELVES-- BAGS OF CHIPS,
GLASS JARS OF JELLY, BOTTLES OF SODA, ETC.
The EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS cheer COLE on, while HAROLD, KUMAR,
and the INDIAN CASHIER watch in disbelief.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 67.
The kayak lands on the floor. COLE gets out and celebrates
with his friends.
COLE
That was so fucking extreme, man!
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
Yeah man, on a scale from one to ten--
one being not so extreme, ten being
extremely extreme, I'd give it a nine
point five.
Meanwhile, all the Extreme Sports Punks begin going crazy
throughout the store, knocking food off the shelves,
bothering other customers.
The INDIAN CASHIER begins yelling at them in HINDI.
Extreme Sports Punk #1 casually looks through a shelf of
various kinds of snack chips, discarding them one after an
other. Finally, he stumbles upon EXTREME CHEDDAR DORITOS.
He goes apeshit over his find.
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
Extreme Cheddar!
He tears open the bag and starts pouring them into his mouth,
getting the chips all over the place.
The INDIAN CASHIER is still yelling. Cole picks up the
Cashier...
COLE
Extreme Cashier!!!
Harold and Kumar watch on as Cole spins the INDIAN CASHIER
around and around.
HAROLD
Somebody should do something.
KUMAR
(to Cole)
Hey asshole! Why don't you leave the guy
alone and go jerk off to some
snowboarding videos or something.
EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS
Oooooooooh!
Pissed, Cole stops in his tracks and drops the Cashier on the
floor. He's pissed. It's clear to Harold that they may get
their asses kicked.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 68.
HAROLD
(to Kumar)
I didn't mean you should do something.
Cole slowly walks over to Kumar. The two stand face to face.
Cole looks pissed, but Kumar keeps his confident exterior.
It's a tense moment.
Suddenly, Cole makes a quick motion as if he was going to hit
Kumar, trying to get him to flinch. Kumar stands his ground
without flinching, still looking Cole in the eye. The Punks
don't know what to think as their leader is shown up.
Seemingly impressed by Kumar, Cole begins to turn around as
if he's going to walk away, but he quickly doubles back,
doing the same fake punch he did before. Caught off guard,
this time Kumar flinches like a nervous weakling...
KUMAR
(pissed off at himself)
Shit.
Cole and the Punks burst out laughing.
COLE
Yeah, that's right, bitch! Try fucking
with me one more time. Just try it!
Cole jumps up and town gloating and pounding on his chest.
KUMAR
(to Kumar, embarrassed)
Come on, lets get out of here.
Harold and Kumar walk out of the store, deflated. With their
leader victorious, the Punks begin celebrating.
COLE
(like Apu)
Thank you, come again!
91 EXT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE 91
HAROLD and KUMAR walk back towards their car...
HAROLD
Kumar-- you okay?
KUMAR
Yeah, I just hate those dicks.
(beat)
Fuck it. At least now we know where we're
going. I'm so friggin' hungry...
SUDDENLY, WE HEAR A CAR ENGINE START. HAROLD AND KUMAR STOP
WALKING AND LOOK OVER AT KUMAR'S CAR.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 69.
THEY SEE NEIL IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT, TURNING THE KEY. THEY
WATCH AS HE PUTS THE CAR INTO DRIVE, HITS THE GAS, AND TAKES
OFF, DRIVING THROUGH A SIGN, AND GETTING ON THE ROAD...
Harold and Kumar stand there for fifteen seconds, without
saying a word, as they watch the car slowly disappear in the
distance. Eventually, Harold breaks the silence...
HAROLD
(calm)
Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking
car?
KUMAR
I think he did.
HAROLD
FUCK!!!!!!
(to Kumar)
You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker!
KUMAR
Rold, calm down!
HAROLD
Why the hell did you leave the keys in
the car?!
KUMAR
I figured that Neil Patrick Harris was a
trustworthy guy. How was I supposed to
know that he'd fuck us over?
HAROLD
This is all your fault! This whole
fucking night! You know I leased that
car! They're gonna make me pay for it!
Harold starts to walk back to the convenience store.
KUMAR
Where are you going?
HAROLD
I'm going to call the police! I don't
want to talk to you anymore!
Harold is about to walk in, when he sees Cole wind up and
throw a Hostess-like snowball right in the Cashier's face.
"Extremes" all around!
KUMAR
There's a pay phone across the street, if
you don't want to deal with those
assholes.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 70.
Harold turns around and walks back towards the street. Kumar
walks with him, keeping his distance. They reach the street.
On the other side, he sees AN ORANGE "DON'T WALK" SIGN LIT
UP. Harold presses the "WALK" BUTTON on the post next to him.
KUMAR
So after you talk to the cops we're still
going to White Castle, right?
HAROLD
I'm not speaking to you.
Harold waits for the "DON'T WALK" sign to change. It
doesn't. HE STARTS PRESSING THE "WALK" BUTTON REPEATEDLY.
KUMAR
You know, pressing the button a bunch of
times doesn't make the sign change any
faster. The computer responds to the
first press. Every press after that is
extraneous.
HAROLD
Thank you, Mr. Wizard.
HAROLD waits for a few seconds, but when the light doesn't
change, he begins pressing the button again.
HAROLD
Jesus Christ! When are they gonna
fucking develop button technology that'll
understand urgency?
The "DON'T WALK" sign still won't change. Kumar looks to the
left and then to the right. The street is completely empty
and there is no place for a police car to hide.
KUMAR
This is ridiculous. Just walk across.
HAROLD
It'll change in a second.
They stand there for another ten seconds. It doesn't change.
KUMAR
Come on, there's not a car in sight!
HAROLD
Alright fine. You want me to cross?
I'll cross. Just leave me alone!
Harold starts walking angrily across the street.
KUMAR
Finally.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 71.
Before Kumar has a chance to follow, a POLICE CAR FROM OUT OF
NOWHERE FLASHES ITS LIGHTS AND STOPS HAROLD DEAD IN HIS
TRACKS.
HAROLD
Shit!
Harold walks back over to Kumar, clearly upset within him, as
OFFICER PALUMBO (30's, good looking, tough) gets out of the
car and walks over to them...
HAROLD
(looking at cop's name-
tag)
Good evening. Is there a problem,
Officer...Palumbo?
OFFICER PALUMBO
Is there a problem? Ever hear of
jaywalking?
HAROLD
Yes. Yes I have. I'm so sorry. I promise
I'll never do it again.
OFFICER PALUMBO
Yeah, like I give a fuck. I'm writing
you up a ticket.
OFFICER PALUMBO begins writing a ticket. Kumar walks over,
flabbergasted...
KUMAR
A ticket?! Are you serious?
Harold motions Kumar to "shut the fuck up!"
OFFICER PALUMBO
(to Kumar, unthreatened)
Who the fuck are you, shitwad?
HAROLD
(stepping in front of
Kumar)
Let me apologize for my friend. I promise
I will pay the fine. But actually, I'm
glad you're here. You know the TV show
Doogie Howser, M.D? You see, Doogie
Howser just stole my car and...
OFFICER PALUMBO
Pipe down and give me your ID.
KUMAR
(to Officer Palumbo)
Wait. Hold on.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 72.
KUMAR (cont'd)
How can you give him a ticket for
jaywalking? I mean, look at this street!
He wasn't causing traffic or anything!
HAROLD
Kumar, shut up...
OFFICER PALUMBO
(to Kumar)
Yeah, that's not the best tone to use on
a cop who could bust your ass.
KUMAR
Bust my ass?!
OFFICER PALUMBO
Yeah, Koo-mar. Bust your ass.
(to Harold)
What's with that name -- Koo-mar -- with
like three o's and shit. What happened to
good old fashioned American names like
Dave, Jim...
Harold points to his ID.
HAROLD
Harold.
Harold is starting to pacify Palumbo.
OFFICER PALUMBO
Yes. Harold. That's a great name. You
should be proud of that name, son.
HAROLD
Thank you.
OFFICER PALUMBO hands Harold his ticket and begins to walk
away.
OFFICER PALUMBO
As you were, ladies.
Kumar grabs the ticket from Harold and looks at it.
KUMAR
220 dollars!? Are you crazy?
Palumbo quickly turns around and returns to the guys.
HAROLD
Kumar, I swear to God, if you don't...
KUMAR
(to Officer Palumbo)
No, no, no. I understand what's going on.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 73.
Harold steps in front of Kumar and puts his arms up to block
him. Palumbo interprets the movement as a hostile movement
towards him.
OFFICER PALUMBO
Hey, hands down! No sudden moves!
Harold puts his hands down and Kumar continues his rant, with
Palumbo improvising little responses.
KUMAR
Let me guess. You were probably the big
asshole in your high school, right?
You'd pick on guys like us every day.
But then graduation came, and we went to
college and you went nowhere, so you
thought, "How can I still give them shit?
I know! I'll become a cop!" Well,
congratulations. Your dream's come true.
Both Officer Palumbo and Harold are getting really pissed.
Kumar steps in front of Harold and offers his friend over to
Palumbo.
KUMAR
(to Officer Palumbo)
Hey, while you're at it, why don't you
write him up another ticket? Or better
yet, arrest him. Lock him up!
With that, HAROLD TAKES A BIG SWING AT KUMAR. Kumar sees
Harold's fist coming and quickly ducks. Harold's fist ends
up hitting OFFICER PALUMBO in the face. SMACK!!!
HAROLD
Oh shit.
92 INT. JAIL CELL - 2:30 AM 92
The CELL DOOR SLAMS. Harold is behind bars.
HAROLD
(calling out)
Hey, are you gonna do something about my
car? Hello?
Palumbo is in the main office area, dealing with HIPPIE
ASSHOLE and his MOM. The Mom hands Officer Palumbo a check.
OFFICER PALUMBO
Thanks, Mrs. Ogelthorpe. Your donation
to our Police Charity is very
appreciated.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 74.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE'S MOM
Well, thank you for being so
understanding about Bradley. I promise
you he won't ever do it again.
OFFICER PALUMBO
Oh, I'm sure he won't. Not after the
talk we had, right Brad?
Officer Palumbo gives Hippie Asshole a threatening look.
HIPPIE ASSHOLE
(shaken)
Mom-- please take me home...
The Mom leaves, with Hippie Asshole clinging to her like a
frightened child.
Palumbo shakes his head and sits down at his desk, where we
see HIPPIE ASSHOLE'S BIG BAG OF WEED, along with Harold's
WALLET and LAPTOP. He then starts filing a report on
Harold...
Harold looks at Officer Palumbo through the bars...
HAROLD
Can I at least give you my car's licence
plate number?
Ignoring Harold, Palumbo turns up the volume on his radio...
RADIO ANNOUNCER
The search for the escaped cheetah
continues tonight. It was last spotted in
Randolph Township, heading South...
Harold turns around and examines his cell. Inside with him
is a black man (TARIK) sitting down, reading a book. Harold
sits down, across from Tarik.
While Harold isn't looking, we see Officer Palumbo take the
cash out of Harold's wallet and pocket it.
HAROLD
So what are you in here for?
TARIK
For being black.
HAROLD
Come on. Seriously.
TARIK sits up. He looks at OFFICER PALUMBO who, with his
Walkman on, is oblivious to their conversation.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 75.
TARIK
I am serious. You wanna know what
happened?
Harold nods.
TARIK
I was walking out of a Barnes and Noble,
and a cop stops me. Evidently, a black
man robbed a store in Newark. Therefore,
since I'm black, it was probably me,
right?
Harold shrugs his shoulders.
TARIK
Well that was the logic the cop used. I
told him I haven't even been to Newark in
months. Then he pointed a gun at me and
told me to stop resisting arrest. I
said, "Hey, I'm not resisting anything."
So he starts beating me with his gun,
screaming at me, telling me to stop
resisting.
HAROLD
Holy shit. What did you do?
TARIK
I kept saying, "I understand that I'm
under arrest. Please stop beating me."
But that didn't work. Then another cop
showed up. Then another. When it was
all said and done, it took nine cops to
bring me in here.
HAROLD
That fucking blows!
Tarik nods and continues reading his book. Harold sees that
Tarik is remarkably relaxed.
HAROLD
I don't understand how you're able to be
so calm about all this.
TARIK
Son, I'm fat. I'm black. I can't dance.
And I have two gay fathers. I've had
people messing with me my whole life.
(beat)
I learned a long time ago, there's no
point in getting all riled up every time
a bunchy of idiots gives you a hard time.
Because in the end, the universe tends to
unfold as it should.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 76.
Harold takes this all in.
TARIK
So what are you in here for?
HAROLD
Assaulting an officer.
TARIK
They tried to pin that shit on you too?
HAROLD
No. I actually did hit the cop. But
only because I was trying to hit my
friend. Well, ex-friend.
Suddenly, OFFICER REILLY hangs up the phone on his desk. He
shouts out to the other officers in the room:
OFFICER REILLY
Hey, listen up guys! Multiple gun shots
fired in Millbrook Park! It sounds bad!
OFFICER PALUMBO
Finally, some action! I'm going!
Another cop, OFFICER MARTONE, gets up...
OFFICER MARTONE
No-- I'm going!
All six officers in the room jump out of their desks and run
for the door. Harold and Tarik can't believe it.
93 EXT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS 93
We see the officers get into their POLICE CARS and drive off.
94 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 94
Harold and Tarik are now left all alone in their cell.
HAROLD
That was strange.
Suddenly, a loud banging sound is made from a VENTILATION
SHAFT on the ceiling, above one of the officer's desks.
HAROLD
What the hell was that?
KUMAR (O.C.)
(from inside the shaft)
Rold? Is that you?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 77.
Although his voice is muffled, we can hear Kumar's words.
Tarik is very confused.
HAROLD
(shouting out)
Kumar?! What the fuck are you doing?!
KUMAR (O.C.)
Are the cops still there?
HAROLD
No, they... Wait a second, did you...
KUMAR (O.C.)
I called and made up some story about a
shooting in Millbrook park...
HAROLD
Jesus Christ! What did you do that for?!
KUMAR (O.C.)
I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust
you out, and we'd get over to White
Castle.
HAROLD
Forget it! I don't want to get in any
more trouble! I'm already in here because
of you!
KUMAR (O.C.)
Hey, fuck you! What did you want me to
do? Stand there and take the hit? You
know, I've never taken a swing at you
before. Never.
HAROLD
Well, I never got your car stolen!
TARIK
Hey, I'm trying to read here.
KUMAR (O.C.)
Look, Rold, I'm sorry. But you're not
the only one dealing with shit. My dad's
cutting me off, remember?
HAROLD
Hey asshole, I'm in jail! Don't bitch to
me about your problems! Just leave me
alone. I don't want your help.
KUMAR (O.C.)
You don't want my help? Fine! I'm outta
here!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 78.
We hear a couple banging sounds from the ventilation shaft.
Then a couple more. Then a couple more. Pouting, Harold
pretends to ignore it.
KUMAR (O.C.)
Uh...Rold? How do I get out of here?
Tarik rolls his eyes in disbelief.
HAROLD
How the hell should I know?
KUMAR (O.C.)
This isn't good.
We hear the banging noise again. And again. Suddenly, THE
VENTILATION SHAFT BREAKS OFF THE CEILING AND KUMAR FALLS OUT
ONTO THE GROUND...
HAROLD
Jesus Christ.
Tarik shakes his head.
KUMAR
Ow...my ass.
Kumar gets up and walks over to the cell.
KUMAR
You sure you don't want to get out?
HAROLD
And become a fugitive? Are you nuts?
The guy has all my information.
Harold points to Palumbo's desk, which has the police report,
Harold's I.D., and his laptop.
KUMAR
So what? We'll take everything he wrote
down about you and leave.
(beat)
Unless you want to stay here all night
and not be able to hand your work in
tomorrow.
Harold thinks about this for a second.
HAROLD
Fine. Hurry up.
Kumar smiles. He begins searching for a key.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 79.
95 EXT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS 95
We see ALL THE POLICE CARS RETURNING TO THE STATION.
96 INT. POLICE STATION 96
Kumar finds A BIG METAL KEY RING on Palumbo's desk...
KUMAR
Yes! I was hoping it would be one of
these big ring of keys. Now I get to try
all of them to see which one will...
HAROLD
Kumar, hurry the fuck up!
Kumar runs over to the cell door. He tries out a couple
keys, when he suddenly smells something...
KUMAR
What's that smell?
Kumar turns his head and sees the ENORMOUS BAG OF WEED on
Officer Reilly's desk.
HAROLD
Kumar?...Kumar!
Kumar can't hear Harold. He's in a trance. We begin to hear a
romantic song as Kumar stares lovingly at the BAG OF WEED...
DISSOLVE TO:
97 EXT. PARK (SWINGSET) - DAY 97
It's a beautiful, sunny day in the park, as KUMAR pushes THE
BAG OF WEED on a swing, like young lovers do in movies...
DISSOLVE TO:
98 INT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT 98
KUMAR has his arms around THE BAG OF WEED as he helps it
swing the golf club. It's a hole in one! KUMAR TURNS THE
BAG OF WEED AROUND AND GIVES IT A KISS.
DISSOLVE TO:
99 EXT. HIP STREET - NIGHT 99
Kumar and THE BAG OF WEED are sitting down, posing for a
CARICATURE SKETCH ARTIST. The Artist reveals his sketch to
Kumar and The Bag of Weed. It obviously looks ridiculous.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 80.
100 INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 100
THE BAG OF WEED is lying on KUMAR's bed, while KUMAR gives it
a massage...
DISSOLVE TO:
101 INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 101
KUMAR is lying on the bed, while THE BAG OF WEED is giving
him a massage (yes, the bag has little arms and hands now).
DISSOLVE TO:
102 EXT. ALLEY - DAY 102
THE BAG OF WEED is holding a box containing pictures and
memorabilia of it's relationship to the HIPPIE ASSHOLE. The
Bag of Weed throws the box in a GARBAGE CAN.
Kumar lights a match and throws it in the can, setting it
aflame. He and the bag of weed face each other and kiss...
DISSOLVE TO:
102A INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 102A
A NAKED KUMAR and THE BAG OF WEED are kissing in bed. The
BAG OF WEED starts to go under the covers. We watch, as the
sheets move up and down. KUMAR STARTS TO HAVE AN ORGASM...
THE BAG OF WEED comes up from under the covers. Kumar gives
it a kiss. THEN, HE GOES UNDER THE COVERS. We see THE BAG
OF WEED START TO TREMBLE AND SHUDDER IN ECSTASY...
103 INT. KITCHEN TABLE - AFTERNOON 103
KUMAR (wearing a wife-beater undershirt and boxers) is
frustrated as he looks at his BILLS. THE BAG OF WEED (wearing
a pink bathrobe) comes out of the kitchen holding a MUG OF
COFFEE. IT GIVES KUMAR THE COFFEE. KUMAR TAKES A SIP. IT'S
TOO COLD. HE SPITS IT OUT AND SLAPS THE BAG OF WEED...
DEPRESSED, THE BAG OF WEED WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE...
KUMAR hears THE BAG OF WEED crying from the other room. He
obviously feels guilty...
KUMAR GETS UP AND RUNS OVER TO THE BAG OF WEED. HE PICKS IT
UP, GIVES IT A KISS, AND EMBRACES IT WITH ALL OF HIS SOUL...
DISSOLVE TO:
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 81.
104 INT. JAIL CELL 104
Kumar walks away from the cell, goes over to the desk, picks
up the bag of weed and caresses it...
HAROLD
What the hell are you...
Suddenly, all six police officer come back into the room,
pushing a black man wearing pajamas (NATHANIEL BANKS).
Nathaniel seems very gentle. He's even wearing a turtleneck
sweater.
OFFICER PALUMBO
(to Nathaniel)
You thought you could get away with this,
huh?
NATHANIEL
Where am I? I was in bed. I didn't fire
any gun, I swear...
Suddenly, Officer Reilly looks over to the jail cell...
OFFICER REILLY
(pointing)
Look!
All the cops turn to the cell. Kumar is still holding the
weed. He doesn't know what to do. Harold is scared shitless.
OFFICER PALUMBO
(re: Tarik)
Shit! Jackson's trying to escape!
Tarik looks up from his book...
TARIK
What? Oh, not again!
The cops handcuff Nathaniel to the leg of a desk, and run
over to the jail cell, ignoring Kumar and the weed.
OFFICER PALUMBO
Stop trying to escape!
TARIK
I'm not trying to escape! Look at me,
I'm sitting down!
They turn the key that is already in the keyhole and storm
into the room. Harold stands back, confused. Tarik leans
against the wall, ready to be handcuffed. The cops grab him
and throw him down against the bed.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 82.
OFFICER REILLY
He's trying to break free! Hold him
tight!
In the midst of all the action, Kumar grabs Harold and pulls
him out of the cell. HAROLD GOES OVER TO PALUMBO'S DESK AND
PICKS UP HIS WALLET AND LAPTOP, along with the police report.
They start running out of the room. Kumar's still clinging
to the weed.
HAROLD
(to Kumar)
Wait-- shouldn't we do something about
this?
NATHANIEL
(to Harold)
If I were you, I'd get out of here as
soon as possible.
With that, Harold and Kumar run out...
105 EXT. POLICE STATION 105
HAROLD and KUMAR (still clinging to the weed) burst out the
door and run down the steps. They race through the street
and start heading towards a FOREST.
KUMAR
Hurry up!
106 EXT. FOREST - 3:20 AM 106
HAROLD and KUMAR have stopped running. They start catching
their breath.
HAROLD
Jesus Christ! That place was a fucking
mad house! Thanks for getting me out of
there, dude.
KUMAR
Hey, man, the burgers wouldn't taste as
good if you weren't there.
(beat, re: weed)
Dude, look at this. It's like we went
from being broke to being millionaires.
Suddenly, they hear what sounds like A COYOTE'S HOWL.
HAROLD
What was that?
KUMAR
Just a coyote. Don't worry.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 83.
HAROLD
Aren't people supposed to be scared of
coyotes?
KUMAR
That's only because they sound scary. In
one on one combat, either one of us can
take a coyote down.
SUDDENLY, A CHEETAH JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND A BUSH AND LETS OUT
A MONSTROUS ROAR!
KUMAR (CONT'D)
Now cheetahs, they're another story.
The CHEETAH stares HAROLD and KUMAR down.
HAROLD
We're gonna die.
KUMAR
Just calm down. Cheetahs are used to
eating zebras and shit. They're not
known for eating humans.
WITH THAT, THE CHEETAH WALKS OVER TO A NEARBY BUSH AND DRAGS
OUT A HALF-EATEN HUMAN CORPSE IT'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN DEVOURING.
HAROLD
We're gonna die.
KUMAR
Okay, I'll admit, that's not a good sign.
But I'm sure if we just stay calm he'll
probably leave us alone.
HAROLD and KUMAR stand silently. SLOWLY, the CHEETAH begins
walking directly over to HAROLD...
HAROLD
(whispering)
This isn't working.
KUMAR
Shhh.
Suddenly, the CHEETAH OPENS HIS MOUTH WIDE AND CHOMPS DOWN ON
WHAT APPEARS TO BE HAROLD'S GROIN AREA.
HAROLD
(eyes closed, screaming)
HE'S MAULING ME! HE'S MAULING ME!
HAROLD continues screaming for the next TEN SECONDS.
Eventually, he calms down and looks at the CHEETAH.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 84.
THE CHEETAH IS NOT EATING HAROLD. HE'S EATING THE BEEF JERKY
THAT HAROLD HAD IN HIS PANTS.
KUMAR
(annoyed)
I thought I told you not to take that
jerky!
HAROLD simply falls to the ground relieved that he hasn't
been eaten. The Cheetah walks over to Harold and begins
licking Harold's face in friendship.
HAROLD
He likes me.
Suddenly, Kumar's eyes light up...
KUMAR
Dude, I think I have an idea.
HAROLD
What is it?
KUMAR
I'll tell you, but first we have to get
really high.
Kumar opens the bag of weed.
Pan up to the night sky for a time lapse. We see smoke
coming up from below. Pan back down...
107 OMIT 107
108 EXT. FOREST - DAY 108
Harold and Kumar are now sitting on top of the CHEETAH,
smoking joints. Kumar has a belt around the cheetah's neck
like reigns on a horse.
HAROLD
Has it come to this? Are we really gonna
ride this cheetah?
KUMAR
Hey, cheetahs are the fastest animals on
the planet. It's as good as a car.
Kumar takes one last drag of a joint and flicks it away.
HAROLD
This is either a really smart move, or by
far the stupidest thing we've ever done.
HAROLD puts his arms around KUMAR to hold on. Kumar puts the
bag of weed under his shirt...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 85.
KUMAR
Well, we'll soon find out.
(like to a snow dog)
Mush! Mush!
SUDDENLY, THE CHEETAH DARTS OUT LIKE LIGHTENING WITH HAROLD
AND KUMAR ON IT'S BACK. EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO
SENSE, WE SEE THE CHEETAH ZOOMING PAST STREETS AND FORESTS.
HAROLD AND KUMAR ARE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AS IT RACES ACROSS
A MAJOR HIGHWAY...
HAROLD
Dude, am I just really high or is this is
actually working?!
KUMAR
Both!
HAROLD
This is great! We'll be at White Castle
in no...
SMACK! A BRANCH HITS HAROLD IN THE FACE, KNOCKING HIM OFF THE
CHEETAH. Harold lands on the ground-- his head bleeding.
His eyes slowly close as he goes unconscious...
DISSOLVE TO:
109 EXT. THE LAND OF BURGERS - DAY 109
THE LAND OF BURGERS is an OZ-like world-- the entire terrain,
with all it's rolling hills, IS MADE UP OF HAMBURGERS. Music
plays as HAROLD and MARIA skip through THE LAND OF BURGERS,
holding hands.
Along the way, they run by...
The BLACK GUYS from the BASKETBALL GAME, all waltzing with
each other, in white tuxedos. HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK GUY
gives Harold the same scary look from before....
FREAK SHOW is shoveling some burgers from the ground into a
wheelbarrow. He waves to Harold and Maria. He then takes out
a CHAINSAW and starts cutting off the arm he's waving with.
KUMAR and the MALE NURSE, who are playing Twister, while
getting high. After a spin of the wheel, Kumar reluctantly
gets in a position where it looks like he's taking the Male
Nurse from behind. Kumar's not happy.
Harold and Maria fall to the ground-- they roll down a hill,
UNTIL HAROLD IS ON TOP OF MARIA. Harold picks up a burger
from the ground. Maria does the same. They proceed to feed
each other their burgers. They munch on them, looking into
each other's eyes...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 86.
MARIA
I love you, Harold.
HAROLD
I love you, Maria.
MARIA gets up and runs away. HAROLD playfully chases her.
Maria runs over to a FRENCH FRY TREE. SHE PLUCKS A COUPLE
FRENCH FRIES FROM THE BRANCH AND FEEDS THEM TO HAROLD.
COLE (O.S.)
Wow, you guys are really extreme...
HAROLD turns and sees COLE KAYAKING DOWN A NEARBY STREAM...
COLE
...extremely gay that is.
SUDDENLY, AN ARROW GOES RIGHT THROUGH COLE'S NECK! BLOOD
STARTS GUSHING OUT. HE FALLS OFF THE KAYAK, INTO THE WATER.
HAROLD is shocked. He turns around and sees MARIA, HOLDING A
CROSSBOW. She smiles at him. HE THEN JUMPS ON TOP OF HER
AND THEY BEGIN MAKING LOVE ON TOP OF THE BURGERS...
MARIA
Oh Harold! Yes! Yes! Oh, God-- you
have the biggest dick of all time! It's
so long! And wide, for that matter!
Suddenly, Harold turns and sees the BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
lying down near them. He is staring at them, with no
expression on his face, with his hand down his pants--
rubbing his penis furiously. Harold is disturbed.
MARIA
Don't worry about him...
MARIA rolls over so SHE'S ON TOP OF HAROLD. SHE STARTS
LICKING HIS FACE, LIKE A DOG. WHEN SHE DOESN'T STOP LICKING,
HAROLD STARTS GETTING A LITTLE CONFUSED...
110 EXT. WOODS NEAR ROAD - 4:00 AM 110
HAROLD wakes up to find KUMAR LICKING HIS FACE. HAROLD JUMPS
AWAY FROM HIM...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 87.
HAROLD
What the hell are you doing?!!!
KUMAR
I'm sorry! You've been out cold for the
past half-hour! I figured that maybe if
I did some gay shit you'd wake up.
HAROLD wipes his face with his sleeve. He then gets up-- he
sees that they are by a random road, all by themselves.
HAROLD
What happened to the cheetah?
KUMAR
It ran away. But forget about that. I
have some bad news and some worse news.
HAROLD
(nervous)
Tell me the worse news first.
KUMAR
I checked out some road signs. The
cheetah took us in the wrong direction.
HAROLD
That sucks. What's the bad news?
KUMAR
Your laptop is completely destroyed.
Kumar points to the laptop, which is outside of it's bag,
broken in pieces.
HAROLD
WHAT????????
KUMAR
It smashed against a tree when you fell
off the cheetah.
HAROLD
Why the hell didn't you say that THAT was
the "worse news"?
KUMAR
Well, the laptop really only effects you.
Whereas the White Castle situation
effects both of us equally.
HAROLD
Oh no! No! No!
KUMAR
Don't worry, dude. Your laptop's insured.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 88.
HAROLD
It's not that! All my work was saved in
there! Now I gotta go back to the office
and re-do everything!
KUMAR
Exactly. First, we'll take a cab over to
White Castle, then we'll...
HAROLD
Forget White Castle. There's no time!
KUMAR
Come on, Rold! You can get that shit done
in a couple hours. We can't quit now!
SUDDENLY, THEY HEAR LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE.
HAROLD AND KUMAR SLOWLY TURN AROUND AND SEE...
HAROLD'S CAR AIRBORNE AS IT SCALES A HILL! THE CAR LANDS,
CAUSING SPARKS TO FLY FROM THE SHOCKS.
111 INT. HAROLD'S CAR 111
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS DRIVING THE CAR, SURROUNDED BY FOUR
HOT COMPLETELY NAKED STRIPPERS.
THE STRIPPERS ARE ALL OVER NEIL, KISSING HIS NECK, AND
PASSING A JOINT AROUND.
ONE OF THE STRIPPERS LIES ACROSS THE FRONT SEAT WITH HER ASS
IN FRONT OF NEIL. ANOTHER STRIPPER POURS A LINE OF COCAINE ON
THAT STRIPPER'S ASS. NEIL SNORTS THE COCAINE FROM THE
STRIPPER'S ASS!!!
112 EXT. STREET 112
Harold and Kumar stand there, speechless, as Neil drives
right past them, splashing a puddle in Harold's face!
They stand there, watching silently as NEIL drives off.
Harold is now drenched. Muddy water drips from his hair and
clothing. He gives Kumar a dirty look. Kumar knows he
shouldn't push Harold any further.
KUMAR
Fine...We'll find a pay phone and get a
cab back to your office.
Harold, furious and almost in tears, simply nods "yes."
CUT TO:
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 89.
112A EXT. DIRT ROAD 112A
Kumar, disappointed, walks down the road with a miserable
Harold. When they reach the corner...
KUMAR
(pointing)
Look, there's a Krispee Kreme. We'll
call from there.
113 EXT. KRISPEE KREME DONUTS 113
Harold and Kumar walk over to the parking lot. Unfortunately,
they notice a familiar YELLOW JEEP COVERED IN STICKERS.
KUMAR
Oh great. Here we go again.
COLE and the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS are hacky-sacking in the
parking lot. Their skateboards are sitting nearby.
COLE (O.S.)
(to Kumar)
Hey Apu!
COLE laughs. Kumar tries to ignore him...
COLE
Who's running the Quik-E-Mart while
you're gone?
COLE pounds fists with his friends.
KUMAR
(to Rold)
Fucking asshole.
Suddenly, HAROLD stops in his tracks. He's noticed something
through the Krispee Kreme window. He stops KUMAR and
points...
HAROLD
Look!
Through the window, we see ROSENBERG and GOLDSTEIN inside,
sitting at a booth. They both have a dozen donuts and five
cartons of milk. It looks like they just sat down...
Goldstein savors his first bite of his POWDERED BLUEBERRY
FILLED DONUT and Rosenberg licks his fingers after his first
bite of his CHOCOLATE CREAM FILLED DONUT.
HAROLD and KUMAR watch through the window longingly...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 90.
HAROLD
(yearning)
I want that.
KUMAR
What? A chocolate cream filled?
HAROLD
No. I want that feeling.
(beat)
The feeling that comes over a man when he
finally gets exactly what he desires.
(beat)
I NEED that feeling.
KUMAR
Are you saying what I think you're
saying?
HAROLD
We gotta go to White Castle.
KUMAR gives HAROLD a hug.
KUMAR
Yes! I knew you had it in you!
Suddenly, Kumar notices something else inside. Someone else
is sitting down at Rosenberg & Goldstein's table...
KUMAR
Is that Cindy Kim?
Harold watches as Cindy Kim sits down next to Goldstein.
Goldstein puts his arm around her and feeds her a piece of
donut. It looks like Goldstein and Cindy are "an item."
KUMAR
You should have boned her when you had
the chance.
Before Harold can respond, he's hit in the back of the head
by a hacky sack! Cole and the Punks laugh at Harold.
HAROLD
(to Cole)
Hey, why don't you just leave us alone?
COLE
Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it,
Mr. Miagi?
Cole gets in the CRANE POSITION a la THE KARATE KID...
Harold is quiet for a moment as he looks at Cole's little
racist routine. He then lets out a little laugh...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 91.
HAROLD
Nothing.
Harold turns around and starts walking towards the Krispee
Kreme entrance. Kumar follows. In the background Cole and the
Punks are laughing about what a "pussy" Harold is.
KUMAR
(pissed off, but
powerless)
Fuck! I'm so sick of their bullshit!
HAROLD
(totally calm)
Don't worry. The universe tends to
unfold as it should.
Kumar gives a "What the fuck is he talking about?" look.
HAROLD
Besides, I have a plan. Follow my
lead...
KUMAR
Your lead?
Harold walks past the Krispee Kreme entrance and heads
towards the YELLOW JEEP at a brisk pace. KUMAR follows.
SUDDENLY, HAROLD SNATCHES COLE'S KEYS FROM THE HOOD OF THE
JEEP AND RUSHES INSIDE THE DRIVER'S SIDE.
One of the Extreme Sports Punks sees Harold doing this...
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
Hey, Cole! Look!
Cole turns to see Harold in his car. Kumar is about to get
in the passenger's side. Cole and the Punks start running
towards the car! Kumar sees this and quickly gets inside.
HAROLD puts the car in reverse, nearly hitting the punks.
114 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 114
Harold is shifting gears...
KUMAR
What the hell are you doing?!
HAROLD
I'm stealing their car.
KUMAR
This is your plan?
HAROLD
It's working isn't it?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 92.
Harold drives the car out of the parking lot. Cole and the
Punks give chase on their skateboards.
KUMAR
(laughing)
Hey, slow down to like 25 mph, so they
think they have a chance to catch up.
115 EXT. ROAD 115
Harold drives COLE'S JEEP down at a speed just slow enough
for COLE and the PUNKS to think that they have a chance...
116 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 116
Kumar then sticks his head out the window...
KUMAR
(in thick Indian Accent)
Thank you, come again!
Harold guns it-- leaving Cole and the Punks in the dust.
117 EXT. ROAD 117
We see Cole and the Punks watching in disbelief as Harold and
Kumar drive off with their car.
EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
Dude, that was so NOT extreme!
COLE
I know Extreme Sports Punk #1, I know.
The Extreme Sports Punks walk away, leaving Cole by himself.
118 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 118
HAROLD and KUMAR are laughing and slapping five.
KUMAR
Victory is sweet! Nice job, Roldy!
HAROLD
I had to do something.
KUMAR begins sniffing something in the air...
KUMAR
Wait. Do you smell that?
KUMAR keeps sniffing. He turns around to the back seat. He
reaches back and picks something up from off the floor. It's
a WHITE CASTLE bag. He pours out the contents and we see
EMPTY WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER CARTONS fall onto Kumar's lap.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 93.
KUMAR
Those assholes got to have White Castle?!
HAROLD
This world is so unfair.
KUMAR
Don't worry . Forget about that. We
have a car now. We're back in the game.
Pretty soon we'll be eating our own White
Castle. Want me to drive?
HAROLD
No. I've got everything under control. We
should be able to get there with enough
time for me to get my work done after our
feast. Just find us some tunes.
A tape is resting in the tape deck. KUMAR pushes it in...
HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other amazed that COLE has some
lame chick song on his tape.
KUMAR
Those guys are fucking posers!
119 EXT. HIGHWAY 119
We see COLE'S YELLOW JEEP speeding along the highway. We see
signs indicating they're getting closer to Cherry Hill...
120 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 120
Harold and Kumar are now listening to another lame chick
song. While they aren't fully embracing the song, it's clear
they're kind of enjoying it.
121 EXT. HIGHWAY 121
The guys take the Cherry Hill exit.
122 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 122
Harold and Kumar are singing along passionately to a third
lame chick song.
123 EXT. HIGHWAY - 6:25 A.M. 123
A SIGN READS "YOU ARE NOW ENTERING CHERRY HILL."
124 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 124
KUMAR
Dude, we're almost there!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 94.
125 EXT. CHERRY HILL ROAD 125
They're speeding down a road lined by forests on both sides.
We see the Jeep speeds by a COP CAR...
126 INT. COP CAR - 6:30 A.M. 126
OFFICER BRUCKS (middle-aged, tough, toothpick in his mouth)
sees the yellow jeep speed by. He reloads his rifle...
OFFICER BRUCKS
Bingo.
127 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 127
HAROLD and KUMAR are still singing...
All of a sudden, HAROLD and KUMAR hear a POLICE SIREN.
KUMAR
Oh shit!
KUMAR turns around and sees the police car behind them.
128 INT. COP CAR 128
OFFICER BRUCKS is speaking into his POLICE RADIO.
OFFICER BRUCKS
I found them. And I'm gonna need back-up.
129 EXT. CHERRY HILL ROAD 129
The COP CAR is tailing the Jeep. The Jeep pulls away...
130 INT. COP CAR 130
Officer Brucks sees the jeep pull away...
OFFICER BRUCKS
(into police radio)
Oh boy! We got a chase on our hands!
131 INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP 131
HAROLD looks determined as he puts the pedal to the metal.
KUMAR
What are you doing?!
HAROLD
I'm not going back to jail! We've come
too far! Now buckle up.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 95.
KUMAR
Buckle up?
Kumar buckles his seat belt. HAROLD MAKES A SHARP TURN...
132 EXT. CHERRY HILL ROAD 132
The YELLOW JEEP goes around a turn in the road and then CUTS
INTO THE FOREST, DISAPPEARING IN THE WOODS...
We then see the COP CAR go around the turn. It passes by the
point where HAROLD and KUMAR entered the forest.
133 INT. COP CAR 133
From OFFICER BRUCKS'S POV, we see that he has a long stretch
ahead, with no cars in sight.
OFFICER BRUCKS
What the hell?
He puts his foot on the brakes, bringing the car to a
screeching halt.
OFFICER BRUCKS gets out of the car and looks around wondering
where the YELLOW JEEP went. HE THEN HEARS THE SOUND OF
BRANCHES CRACKING IN THE WOODS...
134 EXT. WOODS - 6:35 A.M. 134
The Jeep bounces up and down as it heads uphill in the woods.
135 INT. JEEP 135
Harold is holding onto the wheel for dear life. Kumar is
scared as shit. They're both bouncing up and down.
KUMAR
Where the hell are we going?!
HAROLD
Just hold on!
136 EXT. WOODS 136
The Jeep continues going uphill, higher and higher...
137 INT. JEEP 137
Harold and Kumar are still bouncing up and down...
KUMAR
It's a good thing I have an empty
stomach, or else I'd puke right now!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 96.
HAROLD
Don't worry. We're gonna make it.
Everything's gonna be...
THEY NOTICE THEY'RE ABOUT TO DRIVE OVER THE EDGE OF A CLIFF.
HAROLD KUMAR
Shit! Fuck!
HAROLD HITS THE BRAKES AS HARD AS HE CAN...
138 EXT. CLIFF - 6:40 AM 138
We see the jeep stop just short of the cliff. Harold and
Kumar get out of the jeep and walk over to the edge of the
cliff and look down. IT'S A VERY STEEP DROP.
SUDDENLY, KUMAR SEES SOMETHING OUT IN THE DISTANCE...
KUMAR
(pointing)
Rold! Look out there!
HAROLD LOOKS TO WHERE KUMAR IS POINTING-- IT'S A WHITE CASTLE
WAY DOWN BELOW, ABOUT A MILE AWAY.
THEY THEN HEAR A POLICE SIREN COMING FROM BACK IN THE WOODS.
HAROLD
Oh shit! We're trapped!
Kumar notices something...
KUMAR
Not necessarily.
KUMAR walks over to the JEEP and points to the HANG-GLIDER...
HAROLD
No. No way. Not a chance. I'd rather
turn myself in than die.
KUMAR
Dude, it's okay. I used to hang-glide
with my dad all the time when I was kid.
I know how to do it.
HAROLD
You hang-glided? I don't remember that.
KUMAR
We did it on our trips to India. I
swear. I know exactly what I'm doing.
I've even done it with two people at the
same time. My brother and I did it.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 97.
KUMAR (cont'd)
Just hold onto the outside bars and let
me take care of the rest.
HAROLD
No, Kumar. I'm not risking my life over
a bunch of hamburgers.
KUMAR walks over to HAROLD and stares him in the eye...
KUMAR
You think this just about the burgers,
huh? Well, let me tell you-- it's about
far more than that.
KUMAR walks over to the edge of the cliff and looks out onto
the EARLY MORNING HORIZON. The sun is still rising. The
scene is very picturesque...
KUMAR
Our parents came to this country,
escaping persecution, poverty, and
hunger. Hunger, Harold. They were very,
very hungry. And they wanted to live in
a land that treated them as equals. A
land where their kids could study and get
into good colleges. A land filled with
hamburger stands. And not just one type
of hamburger. Hundreds of types-- with
different sizes, toppings, and
condiments. That land was America.
THE POLICE SIREN IS GETTING LOUDER...
KUMAR
(turning to Rold)
You think this is just about the burgers?
No. This is about achieving what our
parents set out for. This is about the
pursuit of happiness. This is about the
American dream.
KUMAR walks over to HAROLD.
KUMAR
And so we've reached this point. The
point which all men eventually have to
face. The point of no return.
(beat)
We can stay here, get arrested and end
our hopes of ever going to White Castle.
Or we can take the hang-glider and make
our leap towards freedom. I leave the
decision up to you.
From the sound of the sirens, it seems that the police are
getting closer. Harold turns back, facing Kumar...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 98.
HAROLD
I hate you, Kumar.
139 EXT. NEAR THE CLIFF - 6:45 AM 139
HAROLD AND KUMAR ARE ABOUT FIFTEEN YARDS FROM THE CLIFF,
HOLDING THE HANG-GLIDER. THE SIRENS ARE GETTING LOUDER...
HAROLD
Hurry up...they're almost here!
KUMAR
Grab onto the end of the bars and hold on
tight.
HAROLD does as he's told. They are both holding onto the
bars (Harold behind Kumar).
KUMAR
Okay. Here's how this is gonna work. On
the count of three, we're gonna run to
the edge of the cliff. When I say
"jump," launch yourself forward as if you
were diving into a pool, got it?
HAROLD
(nervous)
I think so.
KUMAR
Don't worry-- everything's gonna be fine.
Are you ready?
HAROLD's too nervous to speak. KUMAR gets into position.
KUMAR
Okay, here goes. One...two...three!
HAROLD and KUMAR START RUNNING TOWARDS THE CLIFF.
KUMAR
Good job, Rold! Keep running!
THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER...
KUMAR
Rold, there's something I gotta tell you.
I've never hang-glided before.
HAROLD
WHAT???
KUMAR
JUMP!!!
HAROLD AND KUMAR JUMP OFF, JUST AS THE COP CAR ARRIVES.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 99.
The hang glider coasts through the air for a couple seconds.
THEN, SUDDENLY, THE GUYS START GOING DOWN AT A SHARP ANGLE!
HAROLD KUMAR
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
JUST THEN, THE HANG GLIDER CATCHES ONTO THE WIND AND STARTS
GLIDING THROUGH THE SKY.
HAROLD
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
KUMAR
Dude, it's working!
HAROLD
I can't believe you lied to me!
KUMAR
Hey, how else was I gonna convince you to
jump off a cliff?
140 EXT. CLIFF - 6:46 AM 140
OFFICER BRUCKS gets out of the car, holding his rifle and
runs over to the jeep. He looks inside...
OFFICER BRUCKS
(to the walkie-talkie)
It appears they've escaped. They ditched
their jeep.
OFFICER BRUCKS opens the front door of the car and peers
inside. He notices THE BAG OF WEED ON THE DASHBOARD. He
opens it and TASTES SOME WEED in the same way a drug cop
would taste cocaine during a bust.
OFFICER BRUCKS
(to the walkie-talkie)
Good news. I found enough dope in the
car to send those skateboard punks to
jail for the next couple years. Looks
like they've terrorized their last
convenience store.
Suddenly, Officer Brucks realizes that the taste in his mouth
is strangely appealing. He thinks for a beat as he eyes the
bag of weed. He then takes another taste of it. He looks
again at the bag. Like Kumar, we can tell that he's in
love...
140A EXT. OLD PICK UP TRUCK - DAY (FANTASY) 140A
OFFICER BRUCKS and the BAG OF WEED drink bottles of BUDWEISER
while sitting in the back of a PICKUP TRUCK.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 100.
140B EXT. SKEET SHOOTING RANGE - DAY (FANTASY) 140B
BRUCKS is skeet shooting, as the BAG OF WEED watches. Brucks
gives the bag a kiss, after a successful round.
140C INT. BARN - NIGHT (FANTASY) 140C
BRUCKS is having sex with the bag doggy-style. He slaps it's
"ass" as he goes.
DISSOLVE TO:
140D EXT. CLIFF - NIGHT (BACK TO REALITY) 140D
BRUCKS hugs and caresses the BAG OF WEED, as he's lost in the
fantasy.
141 EXT. MID-AIR - 6:50 AM 141
Our triumphant heros are gliding across the morning sky.
Harold and Kumar look down as they soar above the trees...
HAROLD
Dude, we're so high right now.
KUMAR
We're not low.
They continue gliding though the sky for a while...
HAROLD
Hey, Kumar?
KUMAR
Yeah?
HAROLD
How are we gonna get down?
KUMAR
Uh...well...I guess it's just gonna go
down at some point.
HAROLD
That's a great answer. Made me feel
really comfortable. Thanks a lot.
KUMAR looks down as they fly over a playground.
HAROLD
Is it a problem if we fly into birds?
KUMAR
Why do you ask?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 101.
HAROLD
Because we're about to!
KUMAR looks up and sees at least A HUNDRED CROWS FLYING
STRAIGHT TOWARDS THEM.
KUMAR
Oh shit!
HAROLD AND KUMAR FLY RIGHT INTO THE CROWS. Numerous birds
collide with their faces...
HAROLD
Ahhhh! My eyes! Don't peck out my eyes!
THE BIRDS CAUSE THE HANG-GLIDER TO GO AGAINST THE WIND,
SENDING HAROLD AND KUMAR DOWN FAST. THEY ARE SCREAMING AND
YELLING AS THEY PLUMMET...
KUMAR
We're gonna die! We're gonna die!
HAROLD
I hate you! I hate you so much!
THE HANG-GLIDER FALLS STRAIGHT INTO A TREE AND GETS CAUGHT IN
THE BRANCHES. THEY APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN SAVED.
KUMAR
We're gonna live! Ha! Ha! We're gonna
live!
(beat)
You see, Rold? That wasn't so bad.
SNAP!!! THE BRANCH BREAKS OFF, SENDING HAROLD AND KUMAR
STRAIGHT DOWN. THEY FALL ABOUT THIRTY FEET, THUMPING ON
BRANCHES AS THEY FALL...
SMACK!!! THEY HIT THE GROUND AND IMMEDIATELY START ROLLING
DOWN A HILL. THEY CONTINUE ROLLING...ROLLING...ROLLING...
FINALLY-- THEY STOP ROLLING WHEN THEY HIT HARD PAVEMENT.
HAROLD gets up before he can catch his breath...
HAROLD
(breathing heavily)
That's it...I'm gonna kill you...
HAROLD GRABS KUMAR BY THE NECK AND STARTS CHOKING HIM!
KUMAR
Stop...I...can't...breathe...
HAROLD
That's the point!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 102.
HAROLD CONTINUES STRANGLING KUMAR, WHO NOTICES SOMETHING...
KUMAR
Rold...
HAROLD
You're gonna die!
KUMAR
(pointing)
Rold...look!
HAROLD TURNS AROUND. HE RELEASES KUMAR FROM HIS GRIP. KUMAR
STARTS CATCHING HIS BREATH. HAROLD STANDS UP. SOON AFTER,
KUMAR STANDS UP. KUMAR THEN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HAROLD...
KUMAR
We made it, dude.
FROM HAROLD AND KUMAR'S POV, WE SEE THE WHITE CASTLE IN FRONT
OF THEM. THEY ARE STANDING IN THE PARKING LOT. HAROLD AND
KUMAR SLOWLY WALK OVER TO THE ENTRANCE.
THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER-- THEY'RE TOO HAPPY TO SMILE,
BUT THEIR EYES SAY IT ALL. THEY ENTER THE RESTAURANT...
142 INT. WHITE CASTLE - 7:00 AM 142
Harold and Kumar walk inside. Their shirts are torn and
tattered, their bodies are scratched up, and they're covered
in dirt. Everyone in the restaurant turns and stares at them.
They approach the counter, where A TEENAGER STANDING...
TEENAGER
Looks like you guys had some night, huh?
Harold and Kumar look at each other, and then back at the
teenager. Their expressions are stone cold...
HAROLD
I want thirty slyders. I want five french
fries. I want four large Cherry cokes.
KUMAR
Same. Only make mine Diet Cokes.
TEENAGER
Wow. That comes to...forty-two dollars
and seventy-five cents.
HAROLD and KUMAR take out their WALLETS. THEY OPEN THEM UP.
THE WALLETS ARE EMPTY!
HAROLD
Hey...hey...hey...where's my money?!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 103.
KUMAR
You don't have money?! Shit, I gave all
mine to that asshole at Princeton! Fuck
that hippie fuck! This can't be
happening! We're so close and we're
fucking broke!
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Let me take care of it.
HAROLD and KUMAR turn around and see NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
finishing his coke. He throws it in the trash. HAROLD and
KUMAR are stunned.
KUMAR
What are you doing here?
NEIL
You guys kept talking about White Castle
last night. It made me start craving it
too.
HAROLD
Where's my fucking car you prick!
NEIL
Yeah. Sorry about that. Like I said, I
was tripping balls last night. I don't
know what came over me. Your car's out
in the parking lot. Here are the keys.
NEIL tosses HAROLD the car keys.
KUMAR
Do you realize what we had to go through
after you stole the car?
NEIL
I know. It was a dick move on my part.
That's why I'm paying for your meal.
Harold and Kumar look at each other, relieved.
HAROLD
Thanks, I guess.
NEIL hands them some cash...
NEIL
Here's fifty for the meal, and two
hundred for the car.
HAROLD
(concerned)
What happened to the car?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 104.
NEIL
I made some love stains in the back seat.
You'll see. Anyway, take it easy guys.
I'll see you around.
HAROLD
Where are you going?
NEIL
Wherever God takes me.
With that, NEIL walks out of the restaurant. HAROLD and
KUMAR look at each other, confused.
TEENAGER
Hey guys...it's gonna take a little while
to make all those burgers. You might as
well sit down.
HAROLD and KUMAR walk over to a booth and take a seat.
KUMAR
Dude, we're here. Isn't it great?
HAROLD
I know. I can't believe we made it. AND
we got the car back! If we can just get
out of here in a half hour, I can get
back to my office and get the work done.
KUMAR
Hey, look!
KUMAR points to a TV in the corner of the restaurant. On the
screen we see A MORNING NEWS SHOW.
ON THE TELEVISION:
A FEMALE ANCHOR IS REPORTING THE NEWS...
FEMALE ANCHOR
Today's top story...Rutgers professor
Tarik Jackson and attorney Nathaniel
Banks are suing the state of New Jersey
for racial discrimination and police
brutality. We go live to the municipal
state courthouse in Muckleburg...
Tarik and Nathaniel have a bunch of microphones in front of
them...
TARIK
What happened last night was a complete
moral travesty. My family and I are
outraged and will not settle for anything
less than justice...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 105.
We see Tarik joined by his parents (Two Old Gay Black Men--
one is comforting the other). Nathaniel walks in front of
the microphone...
NATHANIEL
(very professional)
And by justice, we mean somewhere in the
ballpark of ten million dollars....
INT. WHITE CASTLE
HAROLD
(to Kumar)
Hey, good for those black guys!
ON THE TELEVISION:
We see footage of OFFICER PALUMBO and THE OTHER COPS taken
away in handcuffs...
OFFICER PALUMBO
I'm not racist! This is bullshit! If
those black bastards think they're gonna
get away with this, they've got another
thing coming! Me and my white buddies
are gonna [bleep] them up!
Officer Palumbo gets shoved forcefully into the back of a
police car.
Harold and Kumar enjoy this.
ON THE TELEVISION:
FEMALE ANCHOR
This just in...police have arrested a
gang of hooligans...
We see a picture of COLE and the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS in the
corner of the screen.
FEMALE ANCHOR
...after they found their abandoned car
in the forest in Clifton, containing a
large bag of marijuana. The young men
could face up to five years in prison.
INT. WHITE CASTLE
HAROLD and KUMAR slap five.
ON THE TELEVISION:
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 106.
FEMALE ANCHOR
And finally...the Muckleburg Police
Department has informed us that they ARE
STILL looking for ANOTHER FUGITIVE who
escaped from the Police Station last
night, along with a companion, believed
to be his accomplice...
INT. WHITE CASTLE
HAROLD'S JAW DROPS. He's scared shitless.
ON THE TELEVISION:
FEMALE ANCHOR
Police have made the following sketch of
the two fugitives, which they believe to
be quote "extremely accurate."
ON THE SCREEN, WE SEE A HORRIBLE POLICE SKETCH OF "HAROLD"
and "KUMAR"-- IT IS BASICALLY AN ASIAN MAN IN HIS SEVENTIES
WHO LOOKS LIKE CONFUCIOUS; THE KUMAR SKETCH IS AN OLD INDIAN
MAN WITH A JEWEL ON HIS FOREHEAD, WEARING A TURBAN.
INT. WHITE CASTLE
HAROLD AND KUMAR BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF.
TEENAGER
(to Harold and Kumar)
Hey, guys...I got your orders!
HAROLD and KUMAR run out of the booth.
151 INT. WHITE CASTLE - MOMENTS LATER 151
HAROLD and KUMAR have put three tables together, on which we
see SIXTY WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS-- EACH ONE STEAMING HOT.
TWO GOOD-LOOKING GUYS (JON and HAYDEN) stare at Harold and
Kumar's orders, amazed by their size. They then look at
their own orders and realize how worthless they are.
HAROLD and KUMAR are sitting across from one another, looking
at the smorgasbord in front of them. HAROLD IS ABOUT TO DIG
IN, BUT KUMAR STOPS HIM...
KUMAR
Wait...let's do it together.
HAROLD NODS. THE GUYS ARE HAVING A MOMENT. HAROLD AND KUMAR
EACH PICK UP A BURGER. SLOWLY, THEY BRING THE BURGERS TO
THEIR MOUTHS...CLOSER...CLOSER...CLOSER...
HAROLD AND KUMAR TAKE THEIR FIRST BITE. THEY SAVOR IT IN
THEIR MOUTHS AS THEY CHEW SLOWLY.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 106A.
THEY FINISH THE REST OF THEIR FIRST BURGERS IN ONE BITE, AND
THEN QUICKLY EAT TWO MORE...
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 107.
WE SEE A BRIEF MONTAGE OF HAROLD AND KUMAR SCARFING DOWN THE
BURGERS AND FRIES. THEY'RE CRYING TEARS OF JOY!
152 INT. WHITE CASTLE - 7:45 AM 152
HAROLD and KUMAR have finished their meals. They both look
full and satisfied. Harold takes one last sip of his soda.
HAROLD
Oh...that hit the spot.
KUMAR
It was the best meal of my life.
HAROLD
Mine too.
The two of them sit there, looking at all the empty
containers and wrappers. After a long pause of silence,
KUMAR speaks...
KUMAR
Dude, you know what? I think I may
actually go to my interview today.
HAROLD
Seriously?
KUMAR
Yeah. You know, my whole life I've been
afraid being just another nerdy Indian
guy turned doctor. Well, tonight got me
thinking...
SUDDENLY, HAROLD NOTICES A CONVERTIBLE PARKING OUTSIDE THE
RESTAURANT-- IT'S BILLY AND J.D. WITH TWO WOMEN.
KUMAR
There are far worse things in the world
than being tagged for having a natural
ability in medicine...
HAROLD pretends to be listening to KUMAR-- BUT HE IS MORE
FOCUSED ON BILLY AND J.D., who get out of the car with their
women and start walking towards the front door.
KUMAR
Like having boils all over your face. Or
dealing with the shit those black guys
had to go through.
HAROLD
(not paying attention)
Uh-huh.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 108.
KUMAR
Besides, I have to admit, it felt pretty
cool saving that guy's life last night.
Somewhere between that, getting yelled at
by my dad, and seeing Neil Patrick
Harris, I realized that I've always
wanted to be a doctor-- I've just been
too scared to admit it.
KUMAR sees that HAROLD isn't paying attention...
KUMAR
Hey, Rold, are you listening to me? I'm
having a major epiphany here.
HAROLD
I'll be right back...
At that moment, BILLY and J.D. walk in the restaurant with
their women, ZOE and TRACY, respectively. TRACY looks like
some bimbo slut that J.D. picked up at a strip club. ZOE, On
the other hand, has a sweet RENEE ZELLWEGER quality about
her. She and Billy are the perfect Hollywood couple...
J.D.
Hey, Billy-- you paying for this or what?
BILLY
I'll be there in a second...
J.D. and TRACY check out the menu. BILLY takes ZOE aside--
whatever their story is, it seems to have reached the "you
complete me" moment...
BILLY
Look, I have to admit something to you.
At the start of last night, all I really
cared about was getting some. But then I
met you, Zoe. You're so different from
all the other women I've ever met.
You're smart, funny, artistic. I guess
what I'm trying to say is...
HAROLD (O.S.)
What the fuck is going on here?
BILLY turns around and sees HAROLD...
BILLY
Harold? What are you...?
HAROLD
Never mind me. What are you doing here?
I thought you and J.D. were busy all
night with "clients." Isn't that why I
had to do YOUR work?
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 109.
J.D. hears the commotion and turns around...
J.D.
Hey! What the hell is going on here?
HAROLD
Back off, cock boy! What I have to say
to him goes double for you!
KUMAR sees what's going on-- he can't believe it.
J.D.
Cock boy? I'm sorry, but did you just
call me "cock boy?"
HAROLD
Yeah, you know I did. You're just
stalling because you're not quick enough
to think of a comeback.
J.D.
Oh, I'm not quick enough?
(to Billy)
He thinks I'm not quick enough.
(to Harold)
Well, I got news for you...
(long beat, thinking)
I am quick enough...
(beat)
...cock boy!
J.D. is embarrassed. BILLY tries to placate the situation.
BILLY
Listen Harry...
J.D.
(to Billy)
Don't even bother with him. We'll just
tell Berenson later...
HAROLD
Tell him what? That I'm your work horse!
That you guys think you can just party
all weekend and leave all your work to
the quiet Asian guy in your office! Huh?
J.D. is stunned. Now he's a little nervous.
J.D.
No, no-- you don't understand...
HAROLD
No, YOU don't understand. I'm not doing
your work anymore.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 110.
HAROLD (cont'd)
And if either one of you douchebags ever
tries to pull this shit again, I'll go to
Berenson and tell him what's really going
on.
Harold notices Traci and Zoe listening...
HAROLD
And I'll tell everyone in the office how
you both caught gonorrhea from that
whore.
TRACI and ZOE hear this and are freaked out. They slowly
back away from BILLY and J.D....
HAROLD
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get
going. See you on Monday.
HAROLD leaves the RESTAURANT. KUMAR follows. Billy and J.D.
are left embarrassed and in shock.
153 EXT. WHITE CASTLE PARKING LOT 153
HAROLD and KUMAR walk over to Harold's Infiniti...
KUMAR
Way to go, Rold! Where the hell did that
come from?
HAROLD
I don't know. Eating those delicious
burgers made me feel like a new man. Now
I'm actually looking forward to work this
week.
KUMAR
No shit! I guess you're worthwhile after
all.
HAROLD
I'm not worthless.
KUMAR
So those dudes have gonorrhea?
HAROLD
Beats me.
(beat)
Now, come on, let's get going.
KUMAR
What's the rush? There's plenty of time
before my interview.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 111.
HAROLD
I have some unfinished business to take
care of.
They both get into the car (Harold gets in the driver's
side). The car zooms out...
154 OMIT 154
155 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOT - 9:00 AM 155
HAROLD'S WHITE INFINITI PULLS INTO TO A SPACE RIGHT IN FRONT
OF THE BUILDING.
156 OMIT 156
157 INT. HALLWAY BY THE ELEVATOR - 9:02 AM 157
The elevator doors open. Harold and Kumar exit. Kumar gives
Harold a pat on the back...
KUMAR
Good luck, dude.
KUMAR stands behind, while HAROLD approaches MARIA'S door.
HAROLD TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND THEN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR...
THERE IS TENSION AS HAROLD WAITS. THEN, FINALLY, THE DOOR
KNOB BEGINS TO TURN AND THE DOOR OPENS--
A GOOD-LOOKING, MUSCULAR HISPANIC MAN (LUIS) IS STANDING
BEHIND THE DOOR WEARING ONLY HIS BOXERS. HE HAS LIPSTICK ALL
OVER HIS NECK AND CHEST...
LUIS
What do you want?
A LOOK OF EXTREME DISAPPOINTMENT GOES OVER HAROLD'S FACE.
HAROLD
(lying)
Oh...uh...nothing...wrong room.
WOMAN (O.C.)
Come back to bed!
LUIS
(calling to woman)
Hey, Papi's coming! Hold on!
(to Harold, laughing)
This girl is crazy, man.
(MORE)
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 112.
LUIS (cont'd)
She seemed so sweet at first, but it
turns out she's into some pretty freaky
shit. She even did this thing where she
took a lollipop and shoved it...
HAROLD
(grossed out/depressed)
Look, I really don't need to hear it. I
guess I just made a mistake. Sorry for
interrupting you guys...
Harold starts to walk away, almost crying. SAD, DEPRESSING
MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY. Kumar feels sorry for his friend.
Just then, Luis leans his head out the door...
LUIS
Hey-- if you're looking for Maria, she
left for Europe this morning.
Harold quickly turns around and runs back over.
HAROLD
Huh?
LUIS
She's going to Amsterdam for ten days.
I'm Luis -- Maria's brother.
Luis shakes Harold's hand. Harold suddenly feels better.
HAROLD
Oh! Maria's brother!
LUIS
You must be that Chinese guy Maria keeps
talking about.
HAROLD
Actually, I'm Kor...wait a second-- she
talks about me?
A HOT BLACK CHICK (AISHA), wearing only a bra and g-string,
walks over to Luis and wraps her arms around him...
AISHA
Are you coming or what?
LUIS
Hey, I'll be there in a second, baby. Do
me a favor-- make me that omelette you
were talking about. You know, with the
sun-dried tomatoes.
Aisha kisses him, and walks away to the kitchen. Luis gives
her a little a slap on the ass. Harold doesn't quite know
how to respond to this.
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 113.
LUIS
(to Harold)
So you want me to leave her a message or
something?
HAROLD
Uh, no thanks. I'd rather do it in
person.
LUIS
Then take it easy, hermano.
Luis shuts the door. Kumar runs over to Harold...
KUMAR
Dude...we gotta go!
HAROLD
Huh? Where?
KUMAR
To Amsterdam! We can pack up right now
and take the next plane.
HAROLD
What are you talking about? Are you out
of your mind? What about your interview
with the med school guy?
KUMAR
Whatever. I'll tell my dad to reschedule
it. He won't have a problem, as long as
I'm taking it seriously for a change.
Now, let's fly to Europe and find Maria!
HAROLD
She's coming back in ten days! It's not
like I'm never gonna see her again.
KUMAR
For a hot chick, ten days in Europe is
the kiss of death. There are gonna be
suave, sophisticated guys all over her.
By the time she gets back, she may not be
available.
Harold feels a little nervous about what Kumar is saying.
HAROLD
Forget it. I'll just wait till she comes
back.
Harold starts to walk away from Kumar...
KUMAR
Hey, Rold! Wait!
DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003 114.
Harold stops.
KUMAR
You do realize what's legal in Amsterdam,
right?
HAROLD TURNS AROUND. KUMAR HAS A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.
SLOWLY, BUT SURELY, HAROLD STARTS TO SMILE AS WELL.
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. "TO BE CONTINUED..."
FADE OUT.
| Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Writers : Jon Hurwitz Hayden Schlossberg
Genres : Adventure Comedy
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