Man on the Moon
Man on the Moon (1999)
by Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski.
FADE IN:
INT. VOID - DAY
Standing in a nonexistent set is ANDY KAUFMAN, looking a bit
nervous. Wide-eyed, tentative, he stares at us with a
needy, unsettling cuteness. His hair is slicked-down, and
he wears the "FRIENDLY WORLD" costume from the Andy Kaufman
special.
Finally, Andy speaks -- in a peculiar FOREIGN ACCENT.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
Hallo. I am Andy. Welcoom to my
movie.
(beat; he gets upset)
I hoped the story of my life would
be nice...but it turned out
terrible! It is all LIES! Tings
are mixed up... real people I knew
play different people. WHAT A MESS!
So I broke into Universal and cut
out the junk. Now it's much
shorter. In fact, this is the end
of the movie. So tanks for comink!
Bye-bye!
Andy puts a needle on a phonograph, and swelling CLOSING
CREDITS MUSIC starts to play. FINAL CREDITS roll.
Andy stands frozen, awkwardly looking at the audience.
Every time the music ends he picks up the needle and
restarts the music. He does that as many times as the
credits require.
Finally, CREDITS END. And then--a sly smile. He leans in.
DROPS HIS ACCENT and WHISPERS.
ANDY (AS REGULAR VOICE)
Okay! Just my friends are left. I
wanted to get rid of those other
people... they would have laughed in
the wrong places.
(beat)
I was only kidding about the
movie... it's actually PRETTY GOOD!
It shows everything... from me as a
little boy until my death --
(his eyes pop; he
covers his mouth)
Oops!! I wasn't supposed to talk
about that! Oh. Eh, uh, we better
just begin. It starts back in Great
Neck, Long Island...
Andy turns to a primitive 16mm PROJECTOR and turns it on.
WHIR! He smiles at the flickering light.
ANDY
Oh, yes. I remember it well...
We PUSH INTO the white light. It fills our frame, blazing
whiter, whiter...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. KAUFMAN HOUSE - 1957 - DAY
A BLACK AND WHITE image slowly becomes COLOR. Great Neck,
1957. An upper-class Jewish neighborhood. In the street,
crewcut BOYS play t-ball, laughing and shouting. A fat
convertible pulls up to the smallest house, and STANLEY
KAUFMAN, 40, gets out. Still in his suit, he's a well-
meaning slave to his job -- tired, responsible.
Stanley goes over to admire the t-ball game. At bat is his
son MICHAEL, 6, a natural charmer. Michael swings -- crack!
-- and hits a solid single. Stanley smiles.
STANLEY
That's my boy! Good swingin',
kiddo.
(warm beat; then a
look)
Hey -- Michael... where's your
brother?
MICHAEL
He's inside.
Instantly -- Stanley's mood turns black. He frowns angrily,
then snatches his briefcase and marches in.
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, KITCHEN - 1957 - DAY
Baby CAROL is crying. Mom JANICE, 35, quickly peels
carrots, trying to get dinner made. Stanley marches past.
STANLEY
Is he in his room?
JANICE
Of course he's in his room.
(aggravated)
All his "friends" are in there.
Stanley glowers. He huffs upstairs.
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, HALLWAY - 1957 - DAY
Stanley hurries up to Andy's shut door. We hear little Andy
doing VOICES.
ANDY (O.S.)
(as WORRIED GIRL)
But professor, why are the monsters
growing so big?
(now as BRITISH
PROFESSOR)
It's something in the jungle water.
I need to crack the secret code.
Stanley rolls his eyes. He opens the door...
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, ANDY'S ROOM - 1957 - DAY
...revealing ANDY, 8, performing for the wall. Andy is
happy and enthusiastic... as long as he's acting.
ANDY
(as BRITISH
PROFESSOR)
Maybe I should talk to the natives.
(as dancing NATIVES)
Shoom boom boo ba! Shoom boom boo
ba --
STANLEY
Andy!
ANDY
(startled)
Oh!
The boy suddenly turns off, becoming introverted... awkward.
Frustrated, Stanley stares at his son.
STANLEY
Andy, this has to stop. Our house
isn't a television station. There
is not a camera in that wall.
Andy glances over at the wall. Hmm.
STANLEY (cont'd)
(trying to cope)
Son... listen to me. It isn't
healthy. You should be outside,
playing sports.
ANDY
But I've got a sports show.
Championship wrestling, at five.
STANLEY
(he blows his top)
You know that's not what I meant!
Look, I'm gonna put my foot down!
No more playing alone. You wanna
perform, you GOTTA have an audience!
ANDY
(he points at the
wall)
B-but I have them.
STANLEY
No! That is NOT an audience! That
is PLASTER! An audience is people
made of flesh! They -- live and
breathe! Got it?!
Andy thinks, considering his options. Then, he nods.
CUT TO:
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - 1957 - LATER THAT DAY
Baby Carol sits in her crib. Andy's hands suddenly YANK her
out.
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, ANDY'S ROOM - 1957 - DAY
Andy hurries in and plops Carol down on the floor. She
dutifully sits there, deadpan.
Andy returns to the center of the room. He resumes his
show.
ANDY
(as KIDDIE SHOW
HOST)
And now, boys and girls! It's time
for... TV Fun House!
(he makes an
APPLAUSE SOUND)
Hi, everybody! Are you ready for a
singalong? I'll say the animal, and
you make his sound! Okay...? Okay!
(he starts to SING)
"Oh, the cow goes........."
Carol stares, unblinking. Then --
CAROL
Moo.
ANDY
(he smiles, pleased)
"And the dog goes......"
CAROL
WOOF!
ANDY
"And the cat says......"
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - NIGHT
TIGHT on ANDY, now GROWN UP. 26-years-old, still performing
the song.
DRUNK AUDIENCE
MEOW!!
WIDE - It's a small, hip New York nightclub.
ANDY
"And the bird says..."
DRUNK AUDIENCE
TWEET!!
ANDY
"And the lion goes..."
DRUNK AUDIENCE
ROAR!!
ANDY
"And that's the way it goes!"
(he grins)
Thank you. Goodbye!
Andy waves and bows. There's faint scattered applause.
Andy sighs. An irritated MANAGER steps onstage. He shoots
Andy a disgruntled look, then takes the mike.
MANAGER
The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman,
Ladies and Gentlemen!
In the b.g., Andy starts packing up his props: Hand puppets,
conga drums, a phonograph... it all goes into a big bulky
case.
CUT TO:
INT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT
The club is empty. At the bar, the manager cleans up. Andy
eagerly comes over. Offstage, his presence is soft, placid
-- his voice barely above a whisper.
ANDY
So, Mr. Besserman, same slot
tomorrow...?
MANAGER
(awkward)
Eh, I dunno... Andy. I'm...
thinkin' of letting you go...
ANDY
You're firing me??
(beat)
You don't even pay me!
MANAGER
Look -- I don't wanna seem
insulting. But... your act is like
amateur hour: Singalongs...
puppets... playing records...
A stunned beat. Andy is hurt.
ANDY
What do you want? "Take my wife,
please"??
MANAGER
Sure! Comedy! Make jokes about the
traffic. Do impressions. Maybe a
little blue material...
ANDY
I don't swear. I -- I don't do what
everyone else does!
MANAGER
Well, everyone else gets this place
cookin'! Pal, it's hard for me to
move the booze when you're singin'
"Pop Goes The Weasel."
Andy stares, disheartened.
MANAGER (cont'd)
I'm sorry. You're finished here.
An uncomfortable beat -- and then Andy starts crying.
The manager is dumbfounded. He doesn't know what to do.
Tears are rolling pitifully down Andy's cheeks. The manager
is confused -- totally disoriented. Shamed, Andy covers his
face, then runs out. Silence. The manager stares after
him... having no idea what just happened.
EXT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - NIGHT
Sobbing Andy bursts out the door. He steps onto the
sidewalk -- and IMMEDIATELY STOPS CRYING. Just like that.
Andy lifts his big case and starts walking. Andy shakes his
head angrily.
He turns down a dark street, hurrying alone through an
unsavory New York neighborhood. But then... TWO MEN
appear... silently approaching. Andy stops uncertainly --
debating whether to turn around. But in that second -- the
thugs are upon him, glaring menacingly.
THUG #1
Give us your wallet.
Andy stares fearfully. An anxious moment. He thinks...
considering his options.
Then, he suddenly stammers in a thick FOREIGN ACCENT.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
I -- doo not unterstand!!
THUG #1
Give us your money!
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
What?? What mooney? Abu daboo! I
do not have mooney!
The thugs glance at each other.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
Pleaze! I just move to America
yezterday! I do not know!
THUG #1
What's in the case?
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
NO! Eeet, eet is just perzonal
trifles from my homeland --
THUG #2
Shut up! Gimme that thing!
The guy snatches the case. He impulsively BREAKS the
lock... and clothes, congas and records fall out.
The thugs are dismayed.
THUG #1
Goddamn immigrants!
THUG #2
This guy's pathetic. Let's go.
Harsh glances. They angrily turn and leave.
Andy takes a nervous breath, then starts picking his things
off the street. He shouts after the guys:
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
Tank you veddy much...!
CUT TO:
EXT. NY IMPROV - 1975 - NIGHT
The Improv, the biggest comedy club around. People are
lined up, waiting. The man strides up -- GEORGE SHAPIRO, a
Hollywood talent manager. George is old school: Bronx
accent, shmooze and a hug... but with a surprising sweetness
that is quite disarming. A DOORMAN sees him, grins, and
waves George in.
INT. NY IMPROV, BAR - 1975 - NIGHT
The bar is packed with COMICS and SHOW BIZ TYPES. A few
turn and smile -- "George!" "Hey, George!" George takes a
couple hands, whispers to someone else, then drifts into
the...
INT. NY IMPROV, SHOWROOM - 1975 - NIGHT
Where the show's in progress. Owner BUDD FRIEDMAN sees
George and gives him a bear-hug. Then he hustles George to
a table.
George sits -- and gives the stage his undivided attention.
Up there is a WISEASS COMIC.
WISEASS COMIC
So I'm getting my mother-in-law a
special Christmas present: A pre-
paid funeral! The mortician asked
me if I wanted her buried, embalmed
or cremated. I said, "Make it all
three! I'm not takin' any chances!"
(the crowd LAUGHS)
Thank you. Good night!
The comic waves and exits. APPLAUSE. George politely
claps. A PIANO PLAYER jumps in with an upbeat show tune.
We think there's a break... when Andy suddenly, awkwardly
steps on stage. He is in character as Foreign Man. Pink
jacket, tie, hair slicked back, frightened like a deer in
headlights. He puts down his big case, pulls out various
junk, and arranges it on chairs.
The room hushes, uncertain as to who the hell this guy is.
Andy tentatively grabs the mike. The stagefright is agony.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
Now? Now...?
(looking around)
Tank you veddy much. I am very
happy to be here. I tink -- this is
a very beautiful place. But one
ting I do not like is too much
traffic. Tonight I had to come
from, eh, and the freeway, it was so
much traffic. It took me an hour
and a half to get here!
Andy chuckles, as if this were a punchline.
Silence. The crowd is baffled.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
But -- talking about the terrible
things: My wife. Take my wife,
please take her.
Yikes. A few NERVOUS LAUGHS.
Andy gestures, as if they got the joke.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
No really, I am only foolink. I
love my wife very much. But she
don't know how to cook. You know,
one time, she make a steak and
mashed potato. Ehh, and the night
before, she make spaghetti and
meatballs. Her cooking is so bad...
is terrible.
People are embarrassed. Some avert their eyes. A couple
hipsters laugh mockingly.
George leans forward. Andy wipes the sweat from his brow.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
Right now, I would like to do for
you some imitations. So first, I
would like to imitate Archie Bunker.
(no change in his
voice)
"You stupid, everybody ees stupid!
Ehh, get, get out of my chair
Meathead... go in the, eh, Dingbat
get into the kitchen, making the
food! Ehh, everybody ees stupid! I
don't like nobody, ees so stupid!"
Tank you veddy much.
(pleased, he proudly
bows)
Now I would like to imitate Jimmy
Carter, the President of the United
States.
(no change in his
voice)
"Hello, I am Jimmy Carter, the
President of the United States."
Some people BOO and walk out. A few giggle, getting into
the groove.
George is intrigued.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
And now... I would like to imitate
the Elvis Presley.
A woman LAUGHS caustically. Andy grins stupidly, then turns
his back to us. He presses "Play" on a CASSETTE RECORDER...
and the THEME FROM 2001 starts playing.
House lights dim dramatically. With a flourish, Andy pulls
tape off his pants -- revealing rhinestones. He removes his
pink coat -- putting on a white jeweled jacket.
He combs his hair.
Then he brushes his hair.
Then he combs his hair some more.
Finally he picks up a guitar, strikes a pose -- and spins
around.
He is ELVIS. CONFIDENT. SEXY. LIP CURL. DEAD-ON PERFECT.
The crowd is blown away.
Vegas Elvis INTRO MUSIC suddenly blasts. Andy/Elvis
swaggers stage left and takes a bow. Then he goes stage
right and takes a bow. Then he returns stage left for
another bow.
Music STOPS.
ANDY (AS ELVIS)
Thank you very much.
Wow. Flabbergasted, people APPLAUD. This man is Elvis.
Suddenly -- "JAILHOUSE ROCK" guitar kicks in.
ANDY (AS ELVIS) (cont'd)
(SINGING)
"Warden threw a party
In the county jail!
Prison band was there
And they BEGAN to WAIL!"
ANGLE - GEORGE
He is astonished. George cannot quite figure out what's
going on... but he wants in.
He waves Budd over. Budd leans down, and George WHISPERS.
GEORGE
Pst. What's the story with this
guy?
BUDD
I think he's Lithuanian. None of us
can understand him.
George nods admiringly.
GEORGE
He does a hell of an Elvis.
CUT TO:
INT. NY IMPROV, BACKSTAGE - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT
Andy is packing up his things. He very methodically folds
each item of clothing, then checks the creases.
George strolls up.
GEORGE
Hey, I really enjoyed your set.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
Tank you veddy much.
GEORGE
So I understand you're from
Lithuania?
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
No. Caspiar.
George is puzzled.
GEORGE
Caspiar? I haven't heard of that.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
It's a veddy small island in de
Caspian Sea.
(beat)
It sunk.
GEORGE
Oh. Hm. I'm uh, sorry.
(beat)
Well, look, I'm probably out of my
mind -- but I think you're very
interesting. If you ever need
representation... we should talk.
George hands him a BUSINESS CARD. Andy reads it -- then his
eyes pop. He DROPS the accent.
ANDY
Mr. Shapiro, it's an honor!!
George realizes it's all been an act. He laughs heartily.
GEORGE
Caspiar, huh?!
CUT TO:
INT. SOHO HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT
A Bohemian health food restaurant, staffed by hippie
waitresses in sandals. Andy and George sit together, trying
to get a sense of each other.
ANDY
You see, I want to be the biggest
star in the world.
George is surprised at this hubris.
GEORGE
People love... comedians.
ANDY
I'm not a comedian. I have no
talent.
(he shrugs)
I'm a song-and-dance man.
George looks up at Andy -- and inexplicably there is a giant
MOIST BOOGER hanging from Andy's nostril.
George cringes. He doesn't know what to say.
A waitress brings over two plates of awful 70's HEALTH FOOD
-- seaweed, beans, stringy paste. George frowns. Andy
beams.
ANDY (cont'd)
Mmm! I particularly recommend the
Lotus root.
Andy pulls out a little Handi-wipe and cleanses his hands.
Then he starts arranging the food in compulsive little
piles: Beans in pinwheel shapes. Sprouts in piles.
George peers at the bizarre food behavior.
GEORGE
You show a lot of promise... but...
my concern is I don't know where to
book you. You're not a stand-up...
your act doesn't exactly translate
to films... help me... where do you
see yourself?
ANDY
(bright)
I've always wanted to play Carnegie
Hall.
George is unsure if that's a joke.
GEORGE
Yeah, ha-ha. That's funny.
Andy dips his silverware in the water glass. Two dunks,
then he dries it with his napkin.
George stares, perplexed. He looks back up -- and Andy's
booger has suddenly switched nostrils.
Huh?
ANDY
See, I don't want easy laughs.
Andy's about to eat -- but first bows his head in silent
prayer. George raises an eyebrow. Andy snaps his head back
up.
ANDY (cont'd)
I want gut reactions! I want that
audience to go through an
experience. They love me! They
hate me! They walk out -- it's all
GREAT!
Andy triumphantly eats a bean. George peers, unable to take
the booger anymore. He hands Andy a napkin and points to
his nose. Andy nods, removes the rubber booger, and
carefully puts it in a little box.
ANDY (cont'd)
After I'm famous, I can sell these
as "Worn by Andy Kaufman."
And at that... George is won over. He smiles broadly.
GEORGE
You're insane.
(then sincere)
But -- you might also be brilliant.
Alright, Andy... let's do it.
George warmly extends his hand.
Andy slowly smiles, then takes George's hand. The men
shake. A moment of supreme importance.
EST. BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
The glitz strip of Los Angeles. Money. Beauty.
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
Real working showbiz offices. No glamour at all. It looks
more like an insurance agency.
George sits in his office, reassuring someone on the phone.
GEORGE
Sammy, opening for David Brenner is
a fine gig. You'll be on the
road... get some exposure...
O.S., a SECRETARY shouts out.
SECRETARY (O.S.)
Tony Clifton on the phone!
GEORGE
Who?
SECRETARY (O.S.)
He says he's an associate of Andy
Kaufman's.
GEORGE
Oh.
(back to the phone)
Sammy, think about it. I gotta go.
(he punches a line)
Hello? George Shapiro here.
On the phone, a STACCATO, ABRASIVE NASAL VOICE blares.
TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)
Uh, yeah. Is this GEORGE SHAPIRO?
GEORGE
(beat)
Er, yes. Speaking.
TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)
"Speaking"! Reeking, seeking,
creaking... Freaking!
George is baffled.
GEORGE
Can I help you with something?
TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)
Yeah! You stay away from that Andy
Kaufman, if you know what's good for
you!
GEORGE
(stunned)
Who is this?
TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)
You -- you know damn straight who it
is. Tony Clifton! A name to
respect. A name to fear.
(beat)
Beer. Gear. Deer. Ear.
GEORGE
Look... I don't know what your
problem is...
TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)
Kaufman's a lying bastard! If you
sign him, I'll RUIN YOU!
CLICK. Clifton hangs up. George is bewildered.
INT. MEDITATION INSTITUTE UNIVERSITY, CLASSROOM - DAY
The light is magical. Soothing SITAR music plays. Andy and
fifteen other BAREFOOT STUDENTS sit on mats in a semi-
circle. Eyes shut, bodies in different yoga positions, they
are all meditating.
Facing them on a throne-like chair sits a reverent, Indian
YOGI. At his feet is the class teacher, LITTLE WENDY, a
teeny lady with an absurdly high-pitched voice.
LITTLE WENDY
Now, while continuing your deep
breathing, slowly open your eyes.
You should feel rested, relaxed, and
alert.
The students all open their eyes.
YOGI
Do any thoughts come...?
STUDENT #1
My mind is clear. I feel great.
YOGI
Good...
STUDENT #2
All the tension is gone from my
body.
The Yogi's eyes go to Andy. Andy smiles sweetly.
ANDY
I want to thank you, your Holiness.
My heart is radiating with pure
energy.
The Yogi nods kindly.
YOGI
You always had a good heart. But
I'm proud of the progress you've
made in your discipline.
ANDY
Yes. TM got me focused. In fact,
my manager got me a TV gig! It's
just some new show with no budget,
but I'm still excited.
Oh. The Yogi peers intently.
YOGI
Are you at peace with your family?
ANDY
Um, yes. I haven't fought with
them, since I started here.
YOGI
Goals are important.
ANDY
I stopped drinking. I gave up
drugs. And I'm meditating three
hours a day. It's the center of my
life...
YOGI
We are all impressed.
Andy smiles beatifically. This means a lot.
LITTLE WENDY
Okay. Anyone else --?
ANDY
Oh, wait! I have a question.
(beat; working up
his nerve)
Is there... is there a secret to
being funny?
Huh? The Yogi thinks hard... squinching up his face.
Then... he finally speaks.
YOGI
Yes. Silence.
CUT TO:
INT. SNL SET - NIGHT
An AUDIENCE sits, waiting for the commercial to end.
TECHIES tweak lights. CAMERAMEN get ready.
Sitting in VIP seats are Andy's FAMILY. Stanley and Janice
are in their late 50's, Michael and Carol in their 20's.
They're all anxious.
CAROL
I still can't believe my brother's
gonna be on TV...!
JANICE
I hope he doesn't get nervous.
STANLEY
What's the difference? This thing's
on in the middle of the night -- no
one's even gonna see it.
The commercial ends, and the "APPLAUSE" sign blinks. The
crowd APPLAUDS. An "ON THE AIR" sign lights up.
HOST
Welcome back to Saturday Night Live!
And now, as a special treat on our
first show... musical guest ANDY
KAUFMAN!!!
The SNL orchestra starts the intro into a song. Andy enters
the stage with a boom box, and positions himself in front of
the microphone. When the vocals are supposed to start, Andy
doesn't open his mouth. Instead he looks around --
frightened. The band stops... and starts again. Andy
remains mute. The Band stops again.
INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT
The SNL producer, LORNE MICHAELS, looks worried.
LORNE MICHAELS
What's happening to him?
INT. SNL SET - NIGHT
At that moment, Andy puts the boom box down and blares it
loudly. The THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" plays -- but Andy
just blankly stands there.
He's purposefully doing nothing.
MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.)
"Although we are in danger,
We never despair,
Because we know where there is
danger
He is there!"
The audience is puzzled. The Kaufmans are alarmed.
INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT
Lorne Michaels is panicked.
LORNE MICHAELS
Oh my God, he's doing nothing. It's
dead air...!
INT. SNL SET - NIGHT
BACK ON ANDY.
MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.)
"We're not worrying at all.
We're just listening for his
call..."
Then SUDDENLY -- Andy comes to life and triumphantly LIP
SYNCS.
MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd)
"Here I come to save the day!"
Shocked, the crowd HOWLS with LAUGHTER.
Then instantly -- Andy resumes his blank expression.
MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd)
"That means that Mighty Mouse is on
the way!"
The audience SCREAMS with glee. The tune ENDS, and the
audience APPLAUDS CRAZILY.
Delighted, Andy grins and bows.
The Kaufmans clap the hardest. Stanley locks eyes with
Andy... and the beaming father smiles the proudest of all.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
George jumps from his desk. Andy is walking in.
GEORGE
Andy, c'mon IN! Thanks for flyin'
out here!!
ANDY
The stewardess let me keep my
headphones.
GEORGE
That's... terrific! But I got
something better. This is BIG...
(giddy; milking the
moment)
You are getting a once-in-a-
lifetime, unbelievably lucrative
opportunity to star on... a
PRIMETIME NETWORK SITCOM!!!!
Andy's smile drops. He freezes up.
ANDY
Sitcom...?
GEORGE
And this is a CLASS ACT! It's the
guys who did the Mary Tyler Moore
and Bob Newhart shows! It takes
place in a taxi stand! And you're
gonna be the Fonzie!
ANDY
(confused)
I'm -- Fonzie?
GEORGE
NO! The Fonzie! The crazy breakout
character! The guy that all the
kids impersonate and put on their
lunchboxes!
ANDY
(soft)
George, I hate sitcoms.
GEORGE
HANG ON, you ain't heard the best
part! ABC has seen your foreign man
character, and they want to turn him
into --
(he checks his
notes)
"Latka," a lovable, goofy
mechanic!!!
Long pause. Then -- Andy responds.
ANDY
No.
GEORGE
"No"? "No" to which part??
ANDY
No to the whole thing. None of it
sounds good.
George is flummoxed.
GEORGE
Andy... this is every comedian's
dream.
ANDY
I told you, I'm not a comedian. And
sitcoms are the lowest form of
entertainment: Stupid jokes and
canned laughter.
GEORGE
(shocked)
B-but, this is classy... they did
Bob Newha--
ANDY
I'm not interested. I want to
create my own material.
Beat. George glares.
GEORGE
You have to do it.
ANDY
I refuse.
GEORGE
(he explodes)
LISTEN, you arrogant putz! I've
been in this business for twenty
years! I know! If you walk away
from this opportunity, you will
never, NEVER see another one like it
again!!!!
Long pause. Andy stares at George, amazed at this passion.
Then Andy gets up and looks around the office. He stares at
the awards... the gold records... emblems of success and
experience.
Andy thinks -- then nods.
ANDY
Okay. Fine, I'll do it.
(beat)
But I have a few terms.
GEORGE
(relieved)
Of course! That's what negotiations
are for.
Andy starts to write on a piece of paper.
GEORGE (cont'd)
What are you doing?
ANDY
Writing down my terms.
George watches patiently.
Andy clicks his pen, done. George smiles and takes the
list. He scans it... then his face gets totally befuddled.
GEORGE
Are you makin' fun of me --? This
is RIDICULOUS!
ANDY
(blasй)
Those are my terms.
GEORGE
They're IMPOSSIBLE!! Jesus!
(he points at one
item)
I mean -- "two guaranteed guest
shots for Tony Clifton"??! Who is
this TONY CLIFTON?!
ANDY
He's a Vegas entertainer. I used to
do impressions of him. We sorta...
got in a fight over that.
George gets a look.
GEORGE
This Clifton called me up. He's a
loon! He HATES you!
ANDY
Nah, he just talks tough. But I owe
him one.
Andy smiles ingenuously, then turns stern.
ANDY (cont'd)
If I'm the new Fonz... ABC's just
gonna have to give me what I want.
(a sarcastic FONZIE
IMPRESSION)
Heyyyyyy!
George winces. He stares at the list.
INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY
George sits across a conference table from three NETWORK
SUITS. He stoically reads the men his demands.
GEORGE
Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half
the episodes.
(beat)
Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed
90 minutes of meditation prior to
filming.
(beat)
Mr. Kaufman won't rehearse.
(beat)
Mr. Kaufman gets his own network
Special.
The execs are stupefied. Finally -- George delivers the
clincher.
GEORGE (cont'd)
And Taxi must guarantee two guest
appearances to... Tony Clifton.
NETWORK GUYS
WHO???
GEORGE
Tony Clifton.
NETWORK GUY #1
Who is he?!
GEORGE
(solemn)
I don't know.
Long pause. The execs stare at George like he's lost his
mind.
GEORGE (cont'd)
But Andy says he's fabulous.
(awkward)
He also says, these are the terms.
The execs' leader, MAYNARD SMITH, shudders hopelessly.
NETWORK GUY #2
Couldn't Kaufman ask for more money,
like everyone else?
George slowly, sadly shakes his head: No.
Maynard glances at his team -- then frowns.
MAYNARD (cont'd)
George, we don't book phantom
performers. The deal's off.
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
GEORGE throws his attachй case on the desk, then slumps into
his chair. He picks up the phone and dials.
GEORGE
Andy?
ANDY (O.S.)
Hi George!
GEORGE
Eh, hi, Andy. Look, this Tony
Clifton... is he performing
anywhere?
ANDY (O.S.)
Of course.
(beat)
But only on Monday nights.
GEORGE
That's alright. Where...?
INT. MAMA ROMA'S - NIGHT
Mama Roma's, a dark Italian restaurant with red booths, wise
guys, and cigarette smoke.
The Maitre'd guides George to a booth. A small BAND fills
the "stage" -- a six-foot space in the back of the room.
The lights dim. A BLARING ANNOUNCER speaks.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And now, Mama Roma's is proud to
present International Singing
Sensation... a man who has sold more
records than Elvis and the Beatles
combined...
George is skeptical.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr.
Entertainment... TONY CLIFTON!
The DRUMMER starts a drum roll. Patrons APPLAUD. A LIGHT
SPOT hits the entrance area... and nobody enters. The spot
is waiting... waiting... still waiting... until the drum
roll slows down and stops. The announcer BOOMS again.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)
Ladies and Gentlemen, out of respect
for Mr. Clifton's vocal demands,
could everyone please extinguish
your cigarettes and cigars.
The crowd GRUMBLES angrily -- then irritably complies. One
ANGRY GUY thrusts his cigar into a water glass.
ANGRY GUY
Goddamn, I paid five dollars for
this.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And now! A man who needs no
introduction... TONY CLIFTON!
The band starts playing lounge standard "VOLARE". And then,
obnoxious TONY CLIFTON swaggers out. Tony has a rubbery
face, black wig and moustache, sunglasses, a padded belly,
and a peach tuxedo with blue shirt and velvet piping.
Tony stops, smirks at the audience, and sucks on a
cigarette. He blows smoke rings at them.
TONY CLIFTON
Heh-heh. How ya all doin'?
The crowd is furious.
ANGRY GUY
Fuck you!
People light back up and start talking. Tony ignores the
ruckus. He starts SINGING, pinched and off-key.
TONY CLIFTON
(singing)
"Volare!
Whoa, whoa.
Cantare,
Whoa whoa whoa whoa."
George winces. He's horrible.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
(singing)
"I got the wings of your love,
I got the wings of a dove.
I got the... uh...
(forgetting the
words)
... the chicken wings from
Eh, Kentucky Fried..."
The band is lost.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
Oh. Whoop do doo,
Whoop de di,
Stick a needle in your eye...
The band gives up and stops.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
Eh, the hell with that song.
One person CLAPS. Most BOO.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
So how ya doin'!
(leering)
How ya doin' over here? How ya
doin' over there?
(he approaches a
WOMAN)
How's that pasta carbonara?
WOMAN
Leave me alone.
TONY CLIFTON
Okay!
(he spins around)
So, you havin' a good time, sir?!
Tony approaches a LONELY SAD SACK sitting at the bar. Tony
thrusts his mike at the guy.
SAD SACK
Sure...
TONY CLIFTON
What's your name?
SAD SACK
Bob.
TONY CLIFTON
(he reacts as if
this is enormously
funny)
"Bob"? BOB! Bob bob bob.
(beat)
Bob what?
SAD SACK
Bob Gorsky.
TONY CLIFTON
"Gorsky"? What is that, Polish?
SAD SACK
(meek)
Yes.
Tony gets indignant.
TONY CLIFTON
Are you tryin' to do some of that
Polack humor? Well if that's so,
you can just get the hell out of
this restaurant!
SAD SACK
(timid)
It's my name.
TONY CLIFTON
SHUT UP! I hate them Polish jokes!
People are embarrassed.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
I do a clean show! Like, I wouldn't
do that one... oh, you know it...
"What do you call a pretty girl in
Poland"?
SAD SACK
(he giggles
stupidly)
A -- a tourist.
TONY CLIFTON
See, that's EXACTLY what I'm talkin'
about!
(enraged)
Here! I'LL give you a little humor!
Tony snatches Bob's water glass and POURS IT over his head!
George is appalled. The crowd is aghast. Bob is wet.
People BOO AND HURL THINGS.
Bob starts weeping, then bolts up and runs from the
building.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
And stay out, Fatso!
The room erupts, outraged. George covers his face, looking
ill. Suddenly, Tony snaps at him.
ANDY
And YOU. I wanna see you backstage!
George is rattled.
INT. MAMA ROMA'S, KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT
The kitchen staff is working. George wanders around... then
finally spots Tony, back to us, eating pasta at the
employees' table. Aggravated, George aggressively steps up.
GEORGE
Alright, I'm here. What do you
want?
Tony puts down his fork. He pauses... slowly turns
around... and is Andy.
George GASPS. His eyes bulge.
Andy smiles innocently. He gestures to an empty seat.
ANDY
Are you hungry?
George is breathing heavily, like someone about to have a
heart attack. His brain melting, he shakily reaches for a
chair and sits. George glances down. Lying alongside the
food is Tony's rubber face.
GEORGE
I... I-I don't understand this act.
ANDY
(in jolly spirits)
It's good old-fashioned
entertainment. Everyone loves a
villain.
GEORGE
Yeah? Well tell that to the poor
schlub who you humiliated!
Beat -- then Bob strolls over. His real name is BOB ZMUDA.
ZMUDA
Hey Andy, good show.
ANDY
Oh George, this is Bob Zmuda. Bob
and I have been buddies for years.
George gapes. On closer inspection, Bob is cocky, aloof,
and conniving. He and Andy grin naughtily at each other.
ZMUDA
That was a really hot house!
GEORGE
So your name's not Gorsky.
ZMUDA
Don't believe everything you hear.
George thinks about this -- then laughs.
CUT TO:
INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY
Maynard and the ABC suits sit at the table, mesmerized.
George is confidentially whispering to them.
GEORGE
This has to stay in the room... but
here's the thing: Andy is Tony. And
Tony is Andy! They'll deny it up
and down, but I swear to God,
they're the same person!
(with urgency)
It's smart business! You'll get two
Andy Kaufmans for the price of one!
Maynard thinks about this, quite methodically. A beat, and
then he cracks a smile...
INT. ALPHA BETA SUPERMARKET - NIGHT
1 a.m. in the supermarket. Just a few people linger...
including Andy, who's at the Space Invaders videogame. Andy
stares intently at the screen, eyes piercing, fingers
hammering the buttons while he blows up Martians. Andy is
oblivious to all around him.
In the b.g., George suddenly enters. He looks around the
market, then spots Andy. He feverishly runs up.
GEORGE
Andy!
ANDY
(still playing the
game)
What's up?
George grins crazily, ecstatically.
GEORGE
Andy... THEY SAID YES! They agreed
to it all! They thought your terms
were a shining example of your
"irreverent wit" -- and precisely
why they want you!
(beat)
You're getting EVERYTHING!
Whoa. Andy looks up, astonished. His space station
EXPLODES, but he doesn't notice. He turns to George... and
slowly smiles sweetly. Genuinely.
ANDY
Well thank you very much...!
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI SET - DAY
The first week of "TAXI." The CAST rehearses on the Taxi
set. PRODUCERS watch from the bleachers.
(The actual TAXI scene will be determined.) JUDD HIRSCH,
TONY DANZA, and MARILU HENNER read their lines.
Then... a bored BLACK STAND-IN reads Latka's line.
The cast glances around. Tony Danza loses his temper.
TONY DANZA
Man, this is bullshit!
(he marches up to
the PRODUCER)
Where's Kaufman? Why isn't he
here??
One producer stands. This is tightly-wound ED WEINBERGER.
ED
You'll see him on Friday when we
shoot. Now run the lines with
Rodney.
An angry beat. The actors resume...
INT. TAXI SET - DAYS LATER
The AUDIENCE is filtering in. They fill the studio
bleachers.
INT. TAXI SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY
Actors mingle outside the dressing rooms.
JUDD HIRSCH
I'm taking bets we do the show with
the stand-in.
MARILU HENNER
No, I hear Andy arrived. Rumor is
he's locked inside his dressing
room.
Judd is surprised.
INT. TAXI SET, ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Andy is meditating. He's tranquil, at total inner peace.
Silence -- until a little clock radio CHIRPS.
Andy snaps his eyes open. He exhales a few calm breaths,
then sits upright. Andy reaches for a sealed envelope, rips
it open, and removes a SCRIPT.
Andy sighs, opens the script, and starts scanning the pages
like a speedreader.
INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY
Bleachers are full. They're now filming TAXI (the same
scene as earlier). On cue, Andy enters as LATKA -- wide-
eyed, endearing, in mechanic's overalls.
Andy is hilarious. The crowd HOWLS with laughter.
MONTAGE - TAXI
In quick succession, a series of Andy's best Latka moments.
He's beloved. The applause grows louder, louder, LOUDER...
INT. TAXI SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY
TAXI curtain calls. The whole cast takes bows, then runs
offstage. Everyone is grinning -- except Andy.
He soberly strolls up to Zmuda.
ANDY
I'm gonna quit.
ZMUDA
What?!?
ANDY
Each show is worse than the next.
ZMUDA
Are you nuts?! 40 million people
watch you every week!
ANDY
So? What do they know?
ZMUDA
Absolutely nothing! That's the
beauty!
(he lowers his
voice)
It's credibility. You make them
love you... and then later, on your
special, you'll screw with their
heads!
Hmm?! Andy raises an eyebrow.
CUT TO:
INT. MAYNARD SMITH'S OFFICE - LA - DAY
The power office of Maynard Smith, the powerful ABC exec.
He shouts into a phone.
MAYNARD
I don't care! Travolta signed a
contract, he's a Sweathog for
life!... Oh yeah? Just try to sue
us.
He HANGS up. His ASSISTANT peeks her head in.
ASSISTANT
Sir, they're having a problem down
on the Kaufman Special. They say
he's not following the... technical
requirements.
Maynard is baffled.
MAYNARD
"Technical"???
INT. "KAUFMAN SPECIAL" SET, TECH BOOTH - SAME TIME
Andy is in a booth, arguing with a HEAVYSET TECHNICIAN.
Zmuda watches and eats a banana.
ANDY
It's my show! Now make it roll!
TECHNICIAN
NO!
Maynard strolls up, buttoning his suit jacket, irritated as
he walks around Little Wendy meditating in front of a ring
of candles.
MAYNARD
Andy, I hear fabulous things about
the Special...
(a delicate pause)
Eh, I understand we've hit a teeny
speedbump?
TECHNICIAN
(harried)
Yeah, Kid Genius told me to mess
with the horizontal hold! He wants
the picture to roll!
Maynard doesn't exactly understand.
MAYNARD
Show me.
The technician pushes a button. ON THE MONITOR - Andy's
image briefly appears.
ANDY (ON-SCREEN)
And now... in her television debut,
the incredible Chubby Rosalie!!
At that moment, Andy's image starts rolling across the
screen, until it disappears into a blur of static...
ANDY
(happy)
It'll be great. The viewer will
think their TV is broken. They'll
get out of their chair, they'll
twist the knobs, they'll hit the TV,
but they won't be able to fix it!
Maynard stares at the monitor. The totally indecipherable
picture still rolls. A glum pause.
MAYNARD
Andy... we don't want the viewer to
get out of their chair. They might
change the channel.
ANDY
But it's funny! It's a practical
joke. They'll get frustrated!
Andy beams giddily. Maynard gazes dully, struggling to
reason.
MAYNARD
Andy... uhh... this network has a
long-standing policy: The viewer
must be able to see the program.
ANDY
But it's only for thirty seconds!
Beat.
MAYNARD
Five.
ANDY
Twenty!
MAYNARD
Ten.
ANDY
Deal.
Both men quickly extend their hands and shake. Maynard nods
and leaves.
Beat. Then, Andy pulls out a Handi-wipe and cleans his
palm.
A STUDIO PAGE walks over. He has a huge MAIL BAG.
STUDIO PAGE
Mr. Kaufman, do you want your mail?
Andy looks up -- and his face lights up like Christmas.
INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Andy's crappy apartment, which looks like a dorm room: Cheap
furniture, stained carpet, and a framed photo of the
Maharishi. Andy lies on his bed, which is covered with
THOUSANDS OF LETTERS. He happily chats on the phone.
ANDY
... Yes, it's Andy Kaufman!...
Really! ...I got your fan letter...
So you like the show? Your letter
said I was silly. Did you think I
was too silly?... Oh good. I'm
glad.
Andy holds a letter which has a GIRL'S SNAPSHOT stapled to
it. He is very nervous.
ANDY (cont'd)
It was real nice of you to send your
picture, Mimi... 'Cause you knew
what I looked like... and now, I
know what you look like!
Andy flips the letter over. He glances at the return
address.
ANDY (cont'd)
So, um... San Bernardino...
(beat)
That's just a couple hours away,
isn't it...?
EXT. SAN BERNARDINO, DOWNTOWN - DUSK
The sun is setting. In an ugly shopping district, Andy
walks along with sexy, wholesome MIMI.
MIMI
... so after I finish junior
college, I'll go to work for my
dad's accounting firm. Unless, I
decide to live with my friend
Valerie, but she wants to move to
Anaheim, and I don't want to do
that.
A disinterested beat.
ANDY
Oh.
Another beat.
ANDY (cont'd)
So do you wanna wrestle?
MIMI
Excuse me -- ?
ANDY
Do you wanna wrestle? It's a good
way of breaking the ice.
(pause)
That instant physical intimacy
really brings two people together.
Mimi is bewildered, and offended.
MIMI
What are you talking about?! We
just met an hour ago.
ANDY
(calm)
No no no, it's not sex! I mean --
it can lead to sex... but really,
it's just wrestling.
MIMI
I don't wanna talk about it!
An awkward silence. They continue walking. She points up.
MIMI (cont'd)
The sunset is really beautiful.
ANDY
What do you mean?
MIMI
(a bit offput)
I mean -- uh -- the colors in the
sky are so vibrant. I love this
time of day.
ANDY
(he shrugs dully)
I've never understood that. It's
just... getting dark.
(pause)
But I like you! Hey! Why don't we
fill the car with gas, drive to
Tijuana, and GET MARRIED???
ANGLE - MIMI
Fear. She shivers, then hoarsely speaks.
MIMI
I think I wanna go home.
CUT TO:
INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY
George screens Andy's TV Special for Maynard and his team.
The network execs look constipated.
ON THE TV - Andy speaks tenderly, lovingly to Howdy Doody.
ANDY (ON TV)
You know... I was once in your
gallery. I was just sitting there
and I wanted to touch you. I was
kind of depressed because I could
see what everyone was like, and I
was wondering if, now, maybe I
could... touch you.
Very gently, Andy touches Howdy's cheek and starts weeping.
THE EXECS -- are horrified.
ANDY (ON TV)
(cont'd)
Howdy, I've been
watching you ever
since I was a little
boy...
(choked up,
nervous)
You're the first
friend from television
I ever had. I always
wanted to meet you...
and now ...I finally
am.
EXEC #2
This is NOT funny.
EXEC #3
(ominous)
"Artsy Fartsy shit"...
GEORGE
(worried at this
response)
No... eh, the Special
isn't all like this...
just wait... it will be
hysterical.
At that moment, the picture turns to FUZZY SNOW. Maynard
scowls.
MAYNARD
Christ! We're the Number One
Network -- can't we afford decent
TVs?!
Maynard angrily jumps and POUNDS on the TV. BANG, BANG!
George winces -- then mutters awkwardly.
GEORGE
No, um... it's part of the snow.
An awful beat.
Maynard is embarrassed. Finally -- he explodes.
MAYNARD
Tell Kaufman we will NEVER air this
program!!
INT. JERRY'S DELI - NIGHT
A delicatessen. Andy wears an apron and angrily cleans
tables. He stacks dirty dishes and wipes up the food. Two
BLUE COLLAR GUYS gesture from a booth.
BLUE COLLAR GUY 1
Excuse me, could I please have more
coffee?
ANDY
Yeah, yeah, in a sec'.
(he lugs the dishes
to the kitchen)
That was decaf, right?
The guy nods. Andy hurries over with the coffeepot and
starts pouring.
BLUE COLLAR GUY 1
You know, you look just like Andy
Kaufman.
ANDY
Yeah, I get that all the time.
Andy hurries off. The guy's buddy leans in, whispering.
BLUE COLLAR GUY 2
I'm telling you, it's him.
BLUE COLLAR GUY 1
You wanna bet?? If that was him, he
wouldn't be workin' here, pouring my
coffee!
NEAR THE KITCHEN
Andy dumps out wet coffee grounds. He is sweating. In the
b.g., George enters the restaurant. He sees Andy, sits at a
table and YELLS OUT.
GEORGE
Hey! Could you clear this table and
bring me a piece of poundcake?
Andy turns. They stare down each other.
GEORGE (cont'd)
Andy, this is ridiculous. Take off
that apron.
ANDY
(infuriated)
NO! I'd rather work here, than at
ABC. There's no lying in a
restaurant. They don't promise you
a job as a cashier, then suddenly
make you a frycook!
Andy hurries off with a water pitcher. George chases him.
GEORGE
Look, I'm sorry. They're assholes!
But we work in a creative business.
You can't predict what people are
gonna like --
ANDY
The ONLY reason I did Taxi was so I
could have my own Special!
GEORGE
(trying to calm him)
Tell you what. I'll book you on
some concerts, and meanwhile, we'll
show the Special around... see if
somebody wants to buy it --
ANDY
(bitter)
Yeah, we can have a garage sale.
"Hey look, I got a floor lamp and a
network TV Special for only fifty
cents!"
A glum moment.
Andy fills water glasses.
ANDY (cont'd)
How long is left on my Taxi
contract?
GEORGE
You signed for five years --
(awkward)
So four years, seven months.
ANDY
(he looks up)
Okay... I'll go back. But just let
them know, first they ain't gettin'
Latka. They're gettin' Tony!
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS A&M COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A marquee says "TEXAS A&M PRESENTS - ANDY KAUFMAN"
Inside, a ROAR of APPLAUSE surges.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - SAME TIME
Andy is walking onstage. The excited CLAPPING swells. He's
a gigantic presence to these people.
Andy smiles and bows.
ANDY
Thank you. It's great to be here.
We're going to have a very nice
time. We'll sing some songs --
SORORITY GIRL
DO LATKA!!
Andy reacts, perturbed. He struggles to stay composed.
ANDY
Uh, we'll play with puppets --
DRUNKS IN UNISON
LATKA! LATTTTKAAAA!!!
Andy scowls. Then -- he loses it.
ANDY
Excuse me one moment.
Andy angrily hurries offstage.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Zmuda is with the congas and props. Andy runs up.
ANDY
Give me the book.
ZMUDA
(startled)
No! Andy, don't do it --
ANDY
They're asking for it.
Andy fiercely GRABS a small book from Zmuda. Zmuda cringes.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Andy strides back out. He gazes at the crowd.
ANDY
Since you're such a special
audience... I'm going to reveal, for
the first time ever, the real me.
(he goes into a
CLIPPED BRITISH
ACCENT)
I'm actually British. I was raised
in London and educated at Oxford.
And though I dabble in clowning, I
do find it so boorish. So...
American.
(beat)
I prefer the fine arts. Henceforth,
tonight, I'd like to grace you with
a reading of the greatest novel ever
written!
(he holds up the
book)
"The Great Gatsby", by F. Scott
Fitzgerald!!
BEAT.
Heh? The crowd isn't quite clear if this is good or bad. A
confused murmur.
ANDY (BRITISH)
(he cracks open the
book)
Chapter One.
(he starts READING)
"In my younger and more vulnerable
years, my father gave me some advice
that I've been turning over in my
mind ever since. 'Whenever you feel
like criticizing anyone,' he told
me, 'just remember that all the
people in this world haven't had the
advantages you've had.'"
There's a little NERVOUS LAUGHTER. Is he really gonna read
this?
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
"He didn't say any more, but we've
always been unusually communicative
in a reserved way, and I understood
that he meant a great deal more than
that..."
Suddenly, somebody from the audience screams:
FRAT BOY IN AUDIENCE
LATKA!!!
The audience ROARS approvingly. Andy stops reading and
looks at the student. He smiles.
ANDY (AS LATKA)
Tank you veddy much!!!!
The audience APPLAUDS enthusiastically. Andy waits until
the applause dies and goes back to the book.
ANDY (BRITISH)
"When I came back from the East last
autumn, I felt that I wanted the
world to be in uniform and at a sort
of moral attention forever; I wanted
no more riotous excursions with
privileged glimpses into the human
heart..."
People start BOOING. Andy looks up.
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
Please, let's keep it down. We have
a long way to go.
(he resumes reading)
"Only Gatsby, the man who gives his
name to this book, was exempt from
my reaction - Gatsby, who
represented everything for which I
have an unaffected scorn..."
The crowd is incredulous.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT
ANDY (BRITISH)
Chapter Two.
The crowd is horribly bored.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
The clock says 11:30. The PROMOTER glares at Zmuda.
PROMOTER
Is he ever going to stop?
ZMUDA
(dour)
Sure. When he reaches "The End."
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT
People are streaming out. Maybe fifty are left. Andy
realizes this -- but is committed. He must continue.
ANDY (BRITISH)
"Tom was evidently perturbed at
Daisy's running around alone, for on
the following Saturday night he came
with her to Gatsby's party. Perhaps
his presence gave the evening its
peculiar quality of
oppressiveness..."
A weak VOICE feebly shouts:
WEAK VOICE
Do Latka.
Andy looks up, shocked. Insulted, he "blows his temper."
ANDY (BRITISH)
Look! I don't have to tolerate this
impoliteness! Forget it -- I'm
gonna stop the show. GOODBYE!
He slams the book shut. People CHEER. Andy starts to storm
off -- then turns.
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
No, no, I'm only fooling.
The audience GROANS.
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
I'll tell you what. Would you
rather have me continue reading or
would you like to hear the
phonograph record?
The audience ROARS for the record. Andy smiles, puts the
needle on and to everyone's horror more "Gatsby" comes out.
ANDY (BRITISH-FROM THE RECORD)
"His presence gave the evening its
peculiar quality of oppressiveness -
it stands out in my memory from
Gatsby's other parties that
summer..."
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT
There are six people left in the audience. Andy reads on.
ANDY (BRITISH)
"Tomorrow we will run faster,
stretch out our arms farther... And
one fine morning - So we beat on,
boats against the current borne back
ceaselessly into the past."
Andy somberly shuts the book.
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
The End.
A moment of quiet personal euphoria. Andy looks enraptured,
the man who has just climbed Everest.
A pause -- but no applause. It's dead silence. Andy looks
out... and realizes the few audience members are asleep.
Andy shrugs, then shuffles off-stage.
In the wings, Zmuda snores loudly in a folding chair.
EXT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - DAWN
Andy and Zmuda walk out, Zmuda squinting groggily. They
drag the suitcase containing the props. They walk slowly
towards their rental car, the campus totally deserted.
ZMUDA
Nobody likes anarchy more than me...
but this is science fiction!
Andy nods uncomprehendingly.
ANDY
Let's get some breakfast.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
George is yelling at Andy and Zmuda. They are seated on his
couch, heads bowed in shame.
GEORGE
What kind of show was this??!
(angrily reading off
a LIST)
There were three-hundred walkouts!
The promoter wants a refund!
Andy mumbles in a pipsqueak whimper.
ANDY
I'm sorry, George...
GEORGE
You're DAMN RIGHT you're sorry!
(turning on Zmuda)
And you -- you're the road manager!
You should be watchin' out for him!
ZMUDA
(a guilty sigh)
We might have lost our focus...
George paces furiously.
GEORGE
When you play the Midwest and South,
you DON'T MINDFUCK THESE PEOPLE!
It's not postmodern -- it's rude.
(beat)
If you wanna perform in Texas, you
give 'em Mighty Mouse! You give 'em
Elvis!!
ANDY
But George, I like to push the
boundaries...
GEORGE
And that's great. But do it in LA
and New York! There you experiment!
Show up with a sleeping bag and take
a nap on stage! I don't care!
Hmm. Andy thinks.
ANDY
How long would they let me sleep?
GEORGE
I don't know!
(he composes himself
and lowers his voice
to a hush)
Andy... you need to look inside: Who
are you trying to entertain? The
audience... or yourself?
ANGLE - ANDY
He doesn't know the answer.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST, BATHROOM - DAY
Andy is manically washing his hands. Using liquid soap from
the dispenser, then rubbing his hands under the water. Then
more liquid soap. More rubbing. Then more liquid soap...
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
George sighs at Zmuda.
GEORGE
I'm worried about Andy. His stress
level is affecting his work.
ZMUDA
(he thinks)
Isn't Tony Clifton going on Taxi
soon? Maybe that'll chill him out.
GEORGE
Bob, Andy needs to RELAX. See if
you can get him away from all this.
Take him to Hawaii, or Bali... Find
something special. Something
nice...
Zmuda mulls this over.
CUT TO:
EXT. MUSTANG RANCH, NEVADA - DAY
A tattered sign says "Welcome to the MUSTANG RANCH." The
world-famous whorehouse sits behind a barb-wire fence.
Dusty connected trailers sit in the sand.
A CAR idles out front. Zmuda and a scared Andy sit inside.
ANDY
I dunno about this...
(worried)
What will my mother think?
ZMUDA
She'll say, "Now my son is a man."
ANDY
It's so dirty.
ZMUDA
Nah. The girls sponge off between
johns.
Andy nods.
ANDY
Okay.
INT. MUSTANG RANCH - DAY
The reception room -- wood paneling and black-lite posters.
Music is playing. Twenty deadpan HOOKERS are lined up.
Andy, nervous as a high school kid, points at one... then
another... then the first...
ZMUDA
Which one?
Beat -- then Andy becomes GERMAN, with a monocle and stiff
walk.
ANDY (GERMAN)
I vill haf both! I vill haf dat
fraulein... unt... the vun vith the
big strudels!
The two chosen girls take Andy's hands and lead him off. He
reaches the door -- then gives Zmuda a nervous look. Zmuda
smiles reassuringly. Andy gulps, and goes in...
Beat. Zmuda turns to the older, jaded MADAM.
ZMUDA
This is a big day. It's my friend's
first time with a prostitute.
MADAM
(mocking)
What're you talking about? Andy
comes here almost every weekend.
Zmuda's jaw drops, stupefied.
ZMUDA
You're talking about... Andy?
MADAM
Oh, he doesn't always call himself
that. Sometimes he's Tony, and
wears a tux.
Disbelief -- then Zmuda LAUGHS sharply. He's been conned.
INT. MUSTANG RANCH, BEDROOM - DAY
Andy and the two hookers are WRESTLING. They grapple and
roll around, all three of them in their underwear.
Suddenly Andy flips the girls over and pins them with his
arms.
Breathing hard, he stares down.
ANDY
You let me win.
HOOKER
(she giggles sexily)
What if we did...?!
Andy grins and leans down...
ANDY
Hey. If I give you three-hundred
dollars, will you come to LA and
help me destroy a TV show?
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI SET, REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY
The Taxi cast sits irritably around a big table, holding
scripts. Ed Weinberger enters.
TONY DANZA
Where is he?
ED
He just arrived.
CAROL KANE
He's an hour late.
ED
Look, I'm told this Clifton guy is a
little eccentric. You're all just
gonna have to roll with the punches
this week.
Suddenly -- the door SLAMS open. Tony bounds in, filthy
drunk, clutching a bottle in a brown bag.
TONY CLIFTON
Taxi! Laxy! Just the factsy,
Maxie! Them's all the words that
rhyme with taxi!... Right, girls?
Little Wendy and the Hooker sashay in, dressed as tarts.
Tony feels them up, and they SQUEAL. The cast stares in
horror.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
Eh, why the blue faces? You musta
read the script!
(he chuckles)
Well, don't worry! Your pal Tony
stayed up all night, writin' some
fixes on it.
(he pulls out some
SCRIBBLED PAGES)
I added me a musical number, cut out
Judd Hirsch, and changed the
location to Mardi Gras!
Ed's expression goes ashen.
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY
An attempted rehearsal. Tony is tap-dancing on top of a car
hood. He does a "fancy" move, and his booze bottle suddenly
flies away and CRASHES against the wall.
The cast watches, pissed and bored.
TONY CLIFTON
And now, the new theme song!
(he starts SINGING)
"Oh yes, we drive a taxi,
And we're havin' fun.
Yeah, we work together,
And we get the freakin' job done."
INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - DAY
Beleaguered Ed sits with George.
ED
George, we've lost two days.
Filming is on Friday. We HAVE to
let him go!
GEORGE
(worried)
I'm not sure how Andy's gonna take
this...
ED
So we'll go downstairs and tell him!
He points at Tony, swaggering around on the set. George
shakes his head.
GEORGE
But that's Tony down there. That's
not Andy. Trust me, it's like
"Sybil" -- Andy's nowhere on the
premises!
Ed glares.
ED
Well whoever the fuck that is, I'm
firing him!
GEORGE
(he sighs)
Okay. But we'll have to warn Andy
first. I think he's up in San
Francisco, doing a concert.
Heh? Ed raises his eyebrows.
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - SECONDS LATER
George is on the phone. Ed hovers.
GEORGE (INTO PHONE)
Hi, Diane, this is George. I'm
trying to reach Andy up in San
Francisco.
(a stilted pause)
Yeah, I'll wait.
Ed glances down at the stage... and suddenly Tony is no
longer there. He's magically vanished.
Beat.
George turns on the SPEAKERPHONE, then CLICK! Andy's happy
voice pops on the line.
ANDY (V.O.)
Hi, George! Good to hear from you!
GEORGE
Hi, Andy. How's the weather up
there?
ANDY (V.O.)
Oh, you know the Bay Area! Always
foggy!
Ed looks totally off-balance. George winks at him.
GEORGE
I'm here with Ed over at Taxi.
There's been some trouble with Tony.
ANDY (V.O.)
Oh no! Did he get hurt?
ED
No, no, Andy, nothing like that.
(nervous beat)
But... Tony's not fitting in. His
style of performance is too...
burlesque.
INTERCUT:
INT. TAXI SET, ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Tony is on the phone. Little Wendy is busily refilling his
whiskey bottle with canned ice tea. He looks up, insulted.
TONY CLIFTON (AS ANDY)
"Burlesque"?
BACK TO:
INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - DAY
ED
Andy, I'm calling you up like this
because I have the utmost respect
for your artistry. But -- I need
your permission to fire him.
ANDY (V.O.)
Oh dear!
(upset)
George, this is gonna kill Tony.
He's waited his whole life for this
break.
GEORGE
There'll be other shots.
ED
Andy, I have to do it. He's a
terrible actor.
Andy thinks about this.
ANDY (V.O.)
I guess I understand. But Ed --
please... let him down gentle.
ED
Yes, Andy, I will.
Andy hangs up. A relieved Ed turns to George.
ED (cont'd)
Thank you.
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY
Tony SCREAMS insanely.
TONY CLIFTON
FUCK YOU! I AIN'T GOIN'!!
WIDE
Ed is stupefied. The cast stands nervously behind him.
ED
We had a deal!!
TONY CLIFTON
I don't know what yer talkin' about.
You musta talked to someone else --
ED
Yeah!! I talked to Andy Kaufman!
TONY CLIFTON
I don't know nothin' about no
Kaufman. He's been ridin' my
coattails, smearing my reputation.
Been usin' my good name, to get
places.
Ed is livid. He gazes harshly at Tony -- Tony's burning
eyes piercing through the rubber features.
ED
Get off my stage! You're fired!
TONY CLIFTON
I GOT A CONTRACT!! I'm gonna take
you to the DEPARTMENT OF LABOR!
Suddenly -- FLASH! Ed looks over. A REPORTER has a camera.
ED
Who're YOU?!
REPORTER
I'm from the LA Times. We're doing
a little puff piece on Mr. Clifton.
(beat)
Mr. Kaufman arranged it.
UP IN THE BLEACHERS - George enters. He looks down at the
growing debacle, and winces. Uh-oh.
ONSTAGE - Enraged, Ed blows up.
ED
Security! Escort this man off the
lot!!
ONSTAGE - Studio SECURITY GUARDS run over. They GRAB Tony.
TONY CLIFTON
Stop! GETCHER HANDS OFF ME!
Tony scuffles. The camera FLASHES.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
LEMME GO! I'M A BIG STAR!
IN THE BLEACHERS - George stares at this mess... and starts
giggling.
ONSTAGE - Two guards drag Tony to the door.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
You'll be SORRY! One day I'm gonna
OWN this town!!
Tony SCREAMS and gets removed. Dead silence. Then --
ED
I don't want those pictures getting
out.
SECURITY GUARD
(to the reporter)
This is a closed set. You'll have
to give me the film in that camera.
The Guard reaches for the camera. An uncertain moment...
until Zmuda authoritatively cuts in, from out of nowhere.
ZMUDA
I'll take care of this.
Zmuda takes the camera. He casually starts to make his way
for the exit... when Ed suddenly HOLLERS.
ED
Wait -- he's one of THEM!
Zmuda gasps. Two guards go running for him.
Zmuda barrels away, trying to escape. The guards chase.
Zmuda races by George, and suddenly palms off the camera
into George's arms. The guards whip by, oblivious.
George grimaces, unclear about his loyalties. He sweatily
peers at the timebomb in his hands.
And then -- George thrusts it under his jacket. He bolts
for the door and feverishly scampers out.
EXT. PARAMOUNT LOT - DAY
George runs for his life. He knocks aside a rack of
costumes and serpentines between people.
At the gate, Tony's being dragged, kicking and screaming.
TONY CLIFTON
Stop! HELP! You wouldn't do this
to Wayne Newton --
The guards toss Tony out the gate. He lands in a heap.
In the b.g., George crazily flies by. He gets out the exit.
EXT. PARAMOUNT LOT, OUTSIDE THE GATES - DAY
George doubles over, trying to catch his breath. He glances
down... and Tony is lying next to him. Little Wendy and
Zmuda run up, out of breath.
They all look at each other. There's a moment of
understanding.
TONY CLIFTON
Hey. Good hustlin'.
George slowly smiles.
INT. TAXI OFFICES - SAME TIME
Ed storms in, insanely angry.
ED
That asshole! That FUCKING
BASTARD!!
(he SLAMS the door
behind him)
We had a fuckin' deal, and THAT
COCKSUCKER SHAFTED ME!!
Ed is seething. His SECRETARY timidly speaks.
SECRETARY
Um, Ed... you have a phone call --
ED
I'M NOT IN!
SECRETARY
Well, um... it's Andy Kaufman...
Heh??! Shaking with fury, Ed stares at the telephone...
then slowly picks it up.
ED
Yeah???
A long pause... then Andy's voice calmly speaks.
ANDY (V.O.)
You were brilliant.
A flabbergasted beat.
ED
Huh?
ANDY (V.O.)
You were in the moment. You became
a producer losing his mind.
(sincerely joyful)
It was the best improv I've ever
seen.
TIGHT - ED
He thinks intently about this. And then... amazingly, a
magnificent smiles comes over his face.
ED
Well -- thank you.
Pause.
ANDY (V.O.)
Okay. See you next week.
Andy hangs up. Ed just sits there, astounded.
CUT TO:
INT. LA HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Andy, Zmuda, George and Little Wendy are squeezed in a
booth, laughing and celebrating. They eagerly read the LA
Times.
INSERT - The headline says "WHO IS TONY CLIFTON?" Below is
a PHOTO of Tony being thrown off the Taxi set.
They all HOWL.
ANDY
This is great! It makes Tony REAL -
- three-dimensional! It's very good
for his career.
Zmuda reads one paragraph.
ZMUDA
"Was this in actuality Andy Kaufman?
And if it was Andy Kaufman, is Andy
Kaufman crazy?"
ANDY
(he chortles)
Boy, they totally fell for it! I'm
only acting crazy!
Hmm. A few awkward glances.
Then -- Andy grins at his meal.
ANDY (cont'd)
Boy, this is tasty.
(he shouts to a
WAITER)
Hey, can I please have some more
seaweed?!
CUT TO:
INT. BOOKER'S OFFICE - DAY
A slick BOOKER, sitting in a crowded office full of head
shots. He's on the phone. He's reading the LA Times story.
BOOKER
Mr. Shapiro, this is Gene Knight, up
at Harrah's Tahoe. We'd like to
book Andy Kaufman for our showroom.
INTERCUT:
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
George on the phone.
GEORGE
Ehh -- Andy doesn't really like
playing casinos. The audiences
don't work well for him.
BOOKER (O.S.)
Oh.
Disappointed beat. The booker thinks.
BOOKER (O.S.) (cont'd)
What about Tony Clifton?
GEORGE
(startled)
Really?! You want Tony Clifton to
headline Harrah's Tahoe??
BOOKER (O.S.)
(being tricky)
Eh, sure. We're trying to expand
our audience base -- and I know the
college kids really love Andy
Kaufman.
George winces.
GEORGE
Look -- I gotta be clear with you.
Tony Clifton is NOT Andy Kaufman.
BOOKER (O.S.)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know!
(he LAUGHS merrily)
Wink wink! Nudge nudge!
GEORGE
(frustrated)
No, I'm serious. If you book Tony,
do NOT EXPECT TO GET ANDY.
BOOKER (O.S.)
(LAUGHING harder)
I'll take my chances!!
George rolls his eyes in annoyance. Finally, he shrugs.
GEORGE
Fine, be my guest! Book him.
CUT TO:
EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY
George is driving in his convertible. Suddenly, something
catches his eye -- and in shock he HITS the brakes. Three
cars behind him SCREECH crazily, trying not to hit each
other.
George is oblivious. He's staring up at a BILLBOARD.
The BILLBOARD: It says "HARRAH'S TAHOE PRESENTS, ANDY
KAUFMAN & TONY CLIFTON! TOGETHER ON STAGE! ONE NIGHT
ONLY!"
George is flabbergasted.
EXT. SUNSET BLVD, PHONEBOOTH - DAY
George is shouting into a payphone.
GEORGE
Gene, you misunderstood!! You're
not getting BOTH of them!
(upset)
It's physically impossible!
BOOKER (O.S.)
Why's that? You said over and over
and over, Tony Clifton is not Andy
Kaufman --
GEORGE
Yeah, I KNOW what I said! But --
trust me, it's not gonna happen!
BOOKER (O.S.)
Sure it is. Tony called me himself.
He yelled at me, insisting that his
dressing room be bigger than Andy's.
They're both going on tonight,
believe me!
George is stupefied. He looks at his watch.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAKE TAHOE - DUSK
Magnificent HARRAH'S dominates the skyline. The marquee
blares "TONY CLIFTON AND ANDY KAUFMAN!" George screeches up
in a rental car. He jumps out and runs inside.
INT. HARRAH'S SHOWROOM - NIGHT
The showroom is packed. It hums with curiosity. WAITERS
clean off the dinner tables. George rushes in and is seated
in a far booth, with some STRANGERS. He overhears a heated
conversation between a PUSHY MAN and his WIFE.
PUSHY MAN
You're not listenin'! It's a VERY
simple concept.
WIFE OF PUSHY MAN
You're making no sense. How can
they be the same person --?
PUSHY MAN
Trust me! You'll never see them on
stage at the same time!
The onstage ORCHESTRA hits a fanfare. LIGHTS DIM. Sharp
SPOTLIGHTS meet at the foot of the stage. Suddenly -- Tony
swaggers out, hands over his head in a gesture of triumph.
Thunderous APPLAUSE. Tony beams. The music stops.
George leans in, curious as to how Andy will wiggle out of
this.
Tony bows theatrically, turns back to face the orchestra,
and waits. The NOISE LEVEL slowly drops -- but not
entirely. Tony waits, and waits, and waits... until
suddenly he turns towards the audience and SCREAMS
FURIOUSLY.
TONY CLIFTON
SHUT UP!!!!!!
Everybody looks up, alarmed. The general murmur almost
dies. Tony stands there, eyes flashing with anger at all
the unruly people. As they quiet down... Tony turns back to
the orchestra and raises his arms. The MUSICIANS lift their
instruments. Silence is total -- except for the clank of
china.
Waiters are serving coffee.
Tony spins back around, livid.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
THAT APPLIES TO YOU, TOO,
PENGUINS!!!
People signal "shh"! The waiters realize Tony's addressing
them, and they stare back in disbelief! This is their job!
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
Yeah! Yeah! YOU! I'm talkin' to
YOU!! And you better freeze, or
I'll get your asses fired!!!
Tony's outburst is so commanding that they all freeze. The
waiters stand there like statues, staring in terror.
Satisfied, Tony burns back to the orchestra and raises his
arms. Again, the musicians lift their instruments. In
anticipation of loud music, the waiters start moving about.
Audience members start whispering. Tony hears this -- and
drops his arms and head in despair.
The musicians lower their instruments. Tony waits for
absolute silence. Only then does he signal the musicians to
get ready again. They do. And then at that precise moment
-- somebody DROPS a spoon.
Tony jolts, as if hit by a current. He drops his hands
again, turns, and gives the perpetrator a murderous look.
Then he turns again, lowers his head, and waits. And waits.
And waits.
The man at George's table WHISPERS to his wife.
PUSHY MAN
He's never gonna start! Kaufman
thinks this is funny!
(beat)
We've paid forty bucks for a show
that's never gonna start!
George grins stupidly. The silence is now deafening.
Slowly, very slowly, Tony raises his arms. Slowly... the
musicians get their instruments ready. Tony stands there,
and stands, and stands, waiting for something... anything...
to disturb the silence. In vain. Somebody COUGHS. The
whole scene repeats itself.
Finally -- finally -- Tony is surrounded by total silence.
Then, (only a moment before the length of this scene would
become unbearable), he begins to move. Tony pivots around,
looks at the audience...
And the entire room looks like Tussaud's Wax Museum. Tony
starts LAUGHING hysterically. The audience's reaction is
mixed:
Some people LAUGH. Some BOO. Some ask perplexed questions.
Some SCREAM OBSCENITIES. Some even APPLAUD.
Tony is very happy. He turns to the orchestra, raises his
baton -- and commences the downbeat! The MUSIC BEGINS.
A SPOTLIGHT hits the wings... and then ANDY STRIDES OUT.
George's jaw drops.
WIFE OF PUSHY MAN
You see! I told you! They're not
the same person!
The whole audience BURSTS INTO APPLAUSE. Life is back to
normal. Andy bows shyly and takes his place in front of a
prepared row of congas. He starts to play.
Tony Clifton grabs the microphone.
TONY CLIFTON
Thank you! Thank you! I wrote this
tune for my friend Frank Sinatra.
He had a nice little success with
it... but forgot to thank me on the
album.
He starts to BELT "I Gotta Be Me".
George squints his eyes, trying to figure out who this is.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
"Whether I'm right
Or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this
world
Or never belong!
I gotta be me! I gotta be me!
What else can I be, but what I am?"
Tony's singing is awful. Andy happily accompanies on
congas. The audience doesn't know what to think.
Tony's SINGING reaches the end... aggressive and off-key.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
Let's bring it on home --
(he hits his
screeching CLIMAX)
"I GOTTA BE MEEEEEE!"
The BAND ends with a brassy punch. The crowd responds with
LOUD BOOING.
CUT TO:
INT. HARRAH'S, BACKSTAGE - LATER THAT NIGHT
George wanders the corridor, looking for the dressing rooms.
He turns and finds a door marked "KAUFMAN". Next to it is a
door marked "CLIFTON".
George stares. He thinks, then opens the "KAUFMAN" door.
Andy is inside alone, gathering his things. He's pleasantly
surprised to see George.
George doesn't enter. He goes to the "CLIFTON" door. Andy
follows. George opens the mystery door...
INT. HARRAH'S, CLIFTON'S DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
and inside, taking off the rubber Tony makeup, is Zmuda.
George starts hyperventilating. Shaking, he tries to sit
himself down. Andy enters, beaming. George is amazed.
GEORGE
You're so proud. You're like some
retarded kid comin' home from
school: "Look, Dad, I got an F!"
ANDY
But wasn't it funny?
GEORGE
"Funny"? I dunno. But
"intriguing"... "mindboggling"...
perhaps "headache-inducing"... sure.
(softening)
Like, that moment, when you both
came onstage...
Andy excitedly jumps up and down.
ANDY
Uh-huh! See, with all these
articles, people think they're
insiders. They see Tony Clifton,
and they say, "Ah, that's really
Andy Kaufman." But that spoils it.
So NOW, Tony denying being me is the
truth! Tony's not me! But maybe he
is! The audience will never know...
(giddy)
They'll think they're laughin' at me
-- but actually I'll be laughin' at
them, because they're wrong and I'm
right!
George is dazed.
GEORGE
So you've got this big elaborate
joke, which is really only funny to
two people in the universe.
(dry)
You... and you.
ZMUDA
Sure! But WE think it's kickass!
Now I get to be Tony. I get to dump
the glass of water on someone else's
head!
GEORGE
(he turns serious)
But what's the POINT? How will any
of this make you the biggest star in
the world?
Hmm. Andy contemplates this.
ANDY
George... I'm at a stage where the
audience expects me to constantly
shock them. But short of faking my
death, or setting the theater on
fire, I don't know what else to do.
(thoughtful)
'Cause I've always got to be one
step ahead of them.
GEORGE
But I feel you're extending this
philosophy to real life. It's
obsessive. Nothing's ever on the
level anymore.
A perplexed beat.
ANDY
George, it never was.
(pause)
Didn't you know that?
CUT TO:
INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Arnold Schwarzenegger, in his glory days as a body-builder,
on the cover of a magazine. Magazines are everywhere. Body-
building. Women's. Wrestling.
ANDY is sifting through them. Zmuda watches, worried.
ANDY
Look at this! An evil Russian!
Ooo, here's an evil Nazi -- he likes
to fight dirty! Hey, here's an evil
Japanese guy!
ZMUDA
What is this, World War Two...?
ANDY
You know, I always wanted to be a
bad-guy wrestler...
ZMUDA
No offense, pal, but I just don't
think you're built for it. These he-
men'll kick your ass!! They're
huge!
Andy's face drops. He realizes Zmuda's right.
Beat -- then Andy notices an issue of Sumo Magazine, with a
picture of a wrestler and his cute little fiancйe on the
cover. He slowly lifts it up, intrigued.
ANDY
Maybe I'll pick on someone smaller
than me...!
INT. MERV GRIFFIN SHOW - DAY
CLOSE UP on Andy and Merv Griffin. Andy wears a goofy
wrestling outfit that resembles thermal underwear. He is
shouting like a wrestler.
ANDY
... And I vow to continue wrestling
until I am BEA TEN, in a three-
minute match, with my shoulders
pinned to the mat!!
MERV
(nonplussed)
By a woman.
ANDY
Yes! BY A WOMAN!
(emphatic)
I'm doing this because I feel that a
woman cannot beat a man in
wrestling. Even if they train with
weights... it requires a certain
mental ability --
(a clumsy pause)
And, uh -- I just don't feel they
have that...
The audience MURMURS uncomfortably. Andy laughs and
backpedals.
ANDY (cont'd)
No no! Women are superior in many
ways. When it comes to cooking and
cleaning, washing the potatoes,
scrubbing the carrots, raising the
babies, mopping the floors, they
have it all over men. I believe
that!
An appalled silence.
Merv winces. Some people start BOOING. We can tell Andy is
pleased.
ANDY (cont'd)
But when it comes to wrestling,
forget it! If there's a woman that
can prove me wrong, come up here.
I'll shut my mouth and pay her 500
dollars.
Merv baitingly turns to the crowd.
MERV
Any... volunteers...?
WIDE
All the WOMEN'S hands angrily shoot up!
We move through the crowd, finally picking out... a feisty
woman, LYNNE. She mutters, half hateful, half laughing --
LYNNE
I wanna kill that jerk.
CUT TO:
INT. MERV GRIFFIN SHOW - MINUTES LATER
Andy and Lynne stand in the ring. She scornfully watches
him preen about. Zmuda is in a referee's uniform.
ZMUDA (AS REFEREE)
Will you please shake hands, go to
your corners, and come out
wrestling.
Lynne extends her hand. Andy fakes a shake -- then snidely
refuses and struts away. The crowd HISSES.
DING! It's the bell. The match begins. Lynne barrels at
him, craving a victory, but terribly unprepared for this
experience. Andy immediately grabs her by the legs and
flips her over.
WHUMP! She's down. Andy has trained for this.
Zmuda gets on his knees, watching, trying to look official.
Lynne struggles and slithers away.
She grabs Andy's arm and forces him down. People CHEER.
His torso hits the mat. LOUDER CHEERS. But suddenly he
rolls over and pulls her hair! Her head snaps back. The
crowd is INCENSED. Zmuda hurries over and pantomimes a
stern warning.
Andy nods, and they separate. They do a little dance around
the ring, Lynne looking for a hole. Suddenly, Andy spins
her into a Half-Nelson. Her arms are pinned. They
struggle, then he throws her down on her stomach. One!
Two! Three!
And DING! It's OVER. Andy jumps up and sneers at the
crowd.
ANDY
I'm the winner! I've got the
BRAINS!
(he points at his
head)
Now baby, don't fight nature! Get
back in the kitchen where you
belong!!!
Lynne glares.
Out of the blue, and old RECORDING OF BOUNCY PIANO MUSIC
starts playing. A chicken CLUCKS to the music, and Andy lip-
syncs along, doing an obnoxious cock o' the walk around the
ring.
INT. MERV GRIFFIN SHOW, BACKSTAGE - LATER THAT DAY
Lynne is escorted by a GUEST COORDINATOR. Lynne is dazed.
The Coordinator hands her a bunch of crap.
GUEST COORDINATOR
Here's your complimentary photo with
Merv. Here's your Turtle Wax --
LYNNE
I don't need Turtle Wax.
GUEST COORDINATOR
Every guest of Merv gets it. And
here's your dinner-for-two voucher
at Red Lobster.
Lynne takes her junk and hobbles off. She passes Andy, who
sees her and grins.
ANDY
Gosh, you scored! Look at all those
goodies!
LYNNE
Buzz off. Go patronize somebody
else.
Lynne coldly hurries away. Andy chases after her.
ANDY
Hey, I hope you didn't take that
stuff I said seriously. It was just
part of the show!
(eager to impress)
It's like the old days, when a
carnival barker would try to rile up
the crowd.
LYNNE
Oh. So you were just pretending to
be an asshole.
Andy nods, pleased.
ANDY
It's what I'm good at!
Lynne stares -- then begrudgingly cracks a smile.
CUT TO:
INT. GOLD'S GYM - DAY
Jumbo-sized BEEFY MEN work out, sweating and groaning. In a
corner, Andy lifts huge barbells. George stares, pained.
GEORGE
Merv Griffin has received 2000
pieces of hate mail. Andy, Merv
Griffin doesn't GET hate mail.
ANDY
That means it was a success. I woke
up the audience -- like punk rock!
(he hands him a
BARBELL)
Here, take this.
GEORGE
No, I'm not gonna take it. If I
take it I'll break my back.
He crosses his arms. Andy frowns and lowers the weight.
GEORGE (cont'd)
Buddyboy, they detest you! Next
time you make an appearance, women
are gonna picket.
ANDY
They're having a laugh...
GEORGE
WRONG! You haven't given them any
clues that it's a parody!
ANDY
That's because they've only seen it
once. But I'll do it again, and
again, and AGAIN...
(a maniacal grin)
They'll catch on!
CUT TO:
INT. WRESTLING RING
MONTAGE OF WRESTLING MATCHES:
MATCH 1 - Andy throws a FAT WOMAN to the ground.
MATCH 2 - Andy squeezes a SMALL WOMAN in a headlock.
MATCH 3 to MATCH 20 - Andy throws an ITALIAN LADY from the
ring. He then proudly waves a phony plastic belt over his
head.
ANDY
I am the Intergender Wrestling
Champion of the World!!!
The crowd BOOS in disgust.
CUT TO:
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
ANDY is at the box office, buying tickets.
ANDY
Two, please.
Two tickets jump out of the machine.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
ANDY is standing in front, waiting. A CAB stops and out
steps -- Lynne.
ANDY
Hi...
LYNNE
Hi... am I late?
ANDY
No, I'm sure we'll be fine.
Andy gives Lynne her ticket. They enter the theater.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
Andy hurries up to the candy counter.
ANDY
Popcorn?
LYNNE
No thanks.
ANDY
I really want one.
(at the counter)
One large tub of popcorn, please,
extra butter.
The CANDY GIRL makes Andy his popcorn. He pays... then
heads to the exit.
ANDY (cont'd)
Okay. Let's go.
Lynne is baffled.
LYNNE
Andy, the theater's that way!
ANDY
Hey, I love movie theater popcorn...
but that doesn't mean I have to sit
through "On Golden Pond."
Lynne stands in place. Andy smiles.
ANDY (cont'd)
C'mon. We'll go for a walk.
LYNNE
(beat; then she
laughs)
Fine.
She throws down her ticket and runs after him.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER, STREET - DAY
They leave the theater and walk down the sidewalk.
LYNNE
Why did you call me? The last
person I ever expected to get a call
from was you.
ANDY
Gosh. Gee, Lynne... I was just so
impressed with your wrestling moves.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
ANDY is standing in front, waiting. A CAB stops and out
steps -- Lynne.
ANDY
Hi...
LYNNE
Hi... am I late?
ANDY
No, I'm sure we'll be fine.
Andy gives Lynne her ticket. They enter the theater.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
Andy hurries up to the candy counter.
ANDY
Popcorn?
LYNNE
No thanks.
ANDY
I really want one.
(at the counter)
One large tub of popcorn, please,
extra butter.
The CANDY GIRL makes Andy his popcorn. He pays... then
heads to the exit.
ANDY (cont'd)
Okay. Let's go.
Lynne is baffled.
LYNNE
Andy, the theater's that way!
ANDY
Hey, I love movie theater popcorn...
but that doesn't mean I have to sit
through "On Golden Pond."
Lynne stands in place. Andy smiles.
ANDY (cont'd)
C'mon. We'll go for a walk.
LYNNE
(beat; then she
laughs)
Fine.
She throws down her ticket and runs after him.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER, STREET - DAY
They leave the theater and walk down the sidewalk.
LYNNE
Why did you call me? The last
person I ever expected to get a call
from was you.
ANDY
Gosh. Gee, Lynne... I was just so
impressed with your wrestling moves.
LYNNE
You were impressed with something.
It's pretty odd when a man sports a
hard-on that large on national
television.
Andy is shocked.
ANDY
Oh! Uh, I hope I didn't offend you.
LYNNE
I'm here, ain't I?
A charged moment. Andy's eyes widen. His speech gets
faster.
ANDY
Do you wanna to go to Memphis and
get married?
LYNNE
(incredulous)
Do I wanna go to Memphis and get
married?
ANDY
Yes.
Beat.
LYNNE
Why Memphis?
ANDY
(he SPEAKS VERY
FAST)
Because Memphis is the wrestling
capital of the world! I'll go in
the ring, and I'll announce that I
will shave my head and marry any
woman who beats me! Then you'll
come up, we'll wrestle and I'll let
you win! Then you'll scalp me, and
we'll get married on Letterman, like
Tiny Tim did on Carson... right
there on the show! What do you
say???
Whoa. Lynne stares into his eyes.
LYNNE
And all this will be for real?
ANDY
(a soft smile)
If you want...
CUT TO:
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, MEMPHIS - NIGHT
The arena is filled with furious BOOING SOUTHERN WRESTLING
FANS. Ladies in hair nets. Men clutching beer cans. This
is a rougher crowd than we've seen before.
Andy stands in the ring, unshaven in a torn green robe.
He's screaming at them.
ANDY
(screaming)
SHUT UP!
(more BOOS)
SHUT UP! Show some respect! I want
SILENCE when I speak!
People BOOO louder and throw debris. Andy is pleased.
ANDY (cont'd)
If any woman can defeat me, I will
pay her 1000 dollars! Then I'll
shave my head bald! And then as a
bonus -- that lucky lady will get to
marry me!!
Screeching JEERS and CATCALLS. Down front... Lynne jumps
up.
LYNNE
Look here, Andy Kaufman! I'll take
you on -- SISSY!
The mob LAUGHS harshly.
ANDY
Ooo, the little lady's upset. Well
I say -- get back in the kitchen!
LYNNE
("outraged")
No! YOU get in the kitchen. I'm
gonna make you dry my dishes!
The crowd APPLAUDS. Lynne grins and starts to climb in the
ring. Andy's eyes are ablaze. But suddenly -- an oversized
Southern MAN jumps in and snatches the mike away.
MAN
STOP IT! This woman's a FAKE!
She's nothing but Kaufman's
girlfriend!
Andy and Lynne are startled.
ANDY
T-that's not true --
MAN
It's a set-up! And I won't allow
our great sport to be degraded by a
fix!!
The crowd angrily starts to HISS. Lynne whispers to Andy.
LYNNE
Andy... who is that...?
LAWLER
I'm Jerry Lawler, the KING of
Memphis wrestling!!
(this gets HUGE
CHEERS)
So if Kaufman wants to tangle, I've
brought a real wrestler! She's
trained and she's READY!! Kaufman,
do you think you can handle... FOXY
JACKSON???!!!
At that, a striking, muscular black woman stands -- FOXY.
The coliseum SCREAMS with excitement. People POUND their
seats. The roar is deafening. Lawler gleams cockily.
Lynne looks worriedly at Andy -- he's concerned.
CUT TO:
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM - LATER THAT NIGHT
DING! The bell rings. Foxy comes out, ready to brawl. But
Andy remains in his corner, running down the clock. He
nonchalantly peels off his robe. Foxy dances around
impatiently. Andy casually removes a towel from his neck.
People BOO. Still stalling, Andy then takes off his watch.
People SCREAM so furiously they're red-faced. Andy is
tormenting them. A TATTOOED GUY jumps up.
TATTOOED GUY
Are you scared???
Andy sneers. He cracks his knuckles, finally walks over...
and commences a WINDMILL. Absurdly, he spins his arms
around and around, daring Foxy to get near him.
She rolls her eyes and waits. The REF jumps out of the way.
A minute has counted down. Finally, Andy stops -- and the
real wrestling begins. Foxy lunges at him and immediately
goes for a choke-hold. The crowd CHEERS, relieved. Lawler
motions signals. Foxy yanks -- but Andy jerks away.
Andy is intrigued. She's coming to play! Andy gestures to
the Ref and points UP. The Ref looks away -- and Andy SLAPS
Foxy.
The crowd furiously JEERS. The Ref spins around, and Andy
shrugs innocence. He then runs at Foxy and theatrically
pushes her into the ropes. She bounces off, stumbles back -
- and Andy drops to his knees. She trips over him and hits
the mat.
Andy aggressively jumps onto Foxy's shoulders and pins her.
The Ref counts: One! Two! Three! DING!!
It's over. But Andy stays on her, shaking his ass, leering
rudely. Jerry Lawler yells from the corner.
LAWLER
Alright, you won. GET OFF HER!
Andy remains, flapping his arms like a chicken.
THE BOOING grows. Louder. More emotional.
ANGRY VOICES
Jerry, help her! Get in there! Do
something!
Lawler hesitates -- then suddenly climbs in the ring and
lifts Andy off! Lawler angrily PUSHES Andy down.
Andy is flabbergasted.
ANDY
W-what are you DOING? I don't fight
men!
Lawler snickers and walks away. Completely overreacting,
Andy grabs the mike.
ANDY (cont'd)
I'm gonna SUE YOU!
(he starts RANTING
berserkly)
Let me tell you something, Lawler!
I am not a hick -- I'm a national TV
star! And I DON'T like a dumb
cracker pushing me around in the
ring! I never agreed to wrestle
you! So you know what I'm gonna
do???
(seething)
I'm gonna hire a lawyer to sue you
for every cent you've got! This was
assault and battery! In a court of
law, I'm gonna kick your Southern-
fried rump!!!
Lawler snatches the mike and bellows.
LAWLER
YEAH?! Well I got news for you,
Andy Kaufman! Wrestling is a
serious sport to me! I don't like
anyone makin' fun of it, and I hate
anyone insultin' the South! So we
can settle this two ways: We can go
to court... or you can get in the
ring with a man, and wrestle for
REAL!
Andy watches, fuming. He is INFURIATED.
ANDY
He -- can't get away with this.
(to Lawler)
YOU! You think I'm CHICKEN?!
Andy grabs back the mike. He sticks his face in shocked
Lawler's.
ANDY (cont'd)
(sarcastic SOUTHERN
ACCENT)
You wanna "wraaastle" me?! You
wanna "WRAAASTLE" me??? Okay,
Lawler -- let's rumble! Yeah, I've
only wrestled women, but they were
bigger than you! In fact, they're
probably smarter than you, 'cause
you're from "Maaamphis, Taaanassee!"
(back to his regular
voice, he points at
his head)
I'm from Hollywood. I have the
brains. That's how I win. And Mr.
Lawler, I'm gonna make you cry
"Mama!"
Andy bears his teeth. Enraged, Lawler tries to take a swing
at him. HANDLERS run in and separate the angry men.
EXT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, TUNNEL - LATER THAT NIGHT
We hear NOISE from the main event above. Andy and Lynne
hurry along. She is disgruntled. He swaggers arrogantly,
still in his fighting outfit.
LYNNE
Is this an act -- or are you
addicted to causing trouble??
ANDY
(he jokingly
impersonates a
drunk)
I can shtop whenever I want...
She's unamused.
LYNNE
Then stop treating me like a fucking
prop.
ANDY
(he drops the act)
I-I'm sorry. I got caught up in the
action...!
She shoots him a stern look.
LYNNE
I'm warning you, Kaufman: One
morning you're gonna wake up... and
your head's gonna be shaved.
Andy laughs.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
George stares glumly at Andy. Andy is quite cheerful --
eating a big piece of chocolate cake.
GEORGE
Andy, do you realize you don't do
comedy anymore? Where's that sweet
guy who used to do
(he SINGS Mighty
Mouse)
"Here I come to save the day!"?
(long beat)
Please, enough with the wrestling!
You've lost touch with reality!
ANDY
(ingenuous)
What, you don't think I can beat
him?
GEORGE
He is the Southern Heavyweight
Champion. He'll kill you.
(very disapproving)
First, you piss-off women. Then you
piss-off the South. Then you get
killed!
(dry)
And I did the bookings.
Andy shrugs, lacking a response. He eats more cake.
GEORGE (cont'd)
Andy, look... there's a job I want
you to take -- guest-hosting the TV
show "Fridays." It's not so hot...
but this is a great opportunity for
you. The show's live, they'll give
you carte blanche, and you can get
back to the business of making
people laugh.
Andy gets a strange gleam. He only heard one thing.
ANDY
You said -- live?
INT. FRIDAYS SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY
The FRIDAYS CAST prepares. In a corner, ANDY is arguing
with director JACK BURNS.
ANDY
I'm not comfortable with the last
sketch. I DON'T do drug humor!
JACK BURNS
Andy, it'll be fine! It's what
we're known for!
(playing "stoned")
"Maui? "Wowie!"
ANDY
(losing his temper)
You're not listening to me --
JACK BURNS
Don't worry! The kids will love it
--
ANDY
(he BLOWS up)
But I don't do drugs! And I don't
enjoy making light of them!
(YELLING)
I was promised creative control!
Andy storms off. Eavesdropping cast shake their heads.
ACTOR
What a prick!
INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - DAY
Up in the control booth is -- Maynard. He smiles strangely.
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT
Stanley sits in front of his TV. The Fridays JINGLE and
CREDITS come on. We hear dishes being washed in the
kitchen.
STANLEY
It's on! JANICE, IT'S ON!
Janice rushes in, still holding some dishes.
(THE FOLLOWING IS INTERCUT: Between the studio and the show
on tv at Andy's parents.)
INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT
The show is going, live. A SNIGGERING NARRATOR steps out
front. (During his monologue, the CAMERA PANS the
audience.)
NARRATOR
In this next sketch, two married
couples are out to dinner. Now...
everybody has secretly brought along
a joint --
(crowd WHOOPS, he
grins)
So, when each person leaves the
table, they sneak into the restroom
to get a little high...
The crowd CHEERS rowdily.
CUT TO:
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME
JANICE
I saw Michael!
STANLEY
Where?
JANICE
(points to the set)
There!
CUT TO:
INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT
In the front row, Michael sits with a girl. He whispers.
MICHAEL
Afterwards, I'll take you backstage.
You can meet my brother.
The girl smiles excitedly.
The SKETCH is on a French restaurant set. ANDY sits at a
table with actor RICHARDS and actress MELANIE. Another
actress, MARY, tiptoes back over, GIGGLING stupidly, playing
stoned.
MARY
"Gee, restaurants are amazing,
aren't they? All these strangers
sitting around... stuffing dead
animals in their faces! It's just
incredible!"
She GIGGLES more. The other three play baffled.
MELANIE
"If you say so."
ACTOR
"Excuse me, I'll be right back."
Andy stands and walks out.
CUT TO:
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME
JANICE
Hmph! They sure didn't give Andy
much to do.
STANLEY
He said he's coming back!
CUT TO:
INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT
Actors read the menus. Suddenly Andy returns, a strange
grin on his face. He's swaying on his feet.
The audience WHOOPS: "Yeah! All right!"
Andy awkwardly sits. He has a strange hesitancy.
ANDY
"Gee, that bathroom is so colorf--"
Suddenly he STOPS. The actors glance up.
Andy purses his lips, fretting. An endless pause.
Uh-oh. Andy won't finish the line. The cast looks around
worriedly. Live TV is beaming out... Finally, Melanie
covers.
MELANIE
You okay, honey? Something wrong,
Carl?
ANDY
I can't, um...
Andy shakes his head.
The crowd laughs nervously.
ANDY (cont'd)
I can't play stoned.
INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - NIGHT
The TECH DIRECTOR and his crew are bewildered. They flip
through script pages.
TECH DIRECTOR
Shit...! What's he doing??
But Maynard raises a calm hand.
MAYNARD
It's okay. Stay with it.
INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT
Silence. Andy is torn up inside.
RICHARDS
(whispering to Andy)
Just read the cue cards!
ANDY
(he shakes his head)
I can't play stoned. I feel really
stupid.
More silence. The actors are trapped and upset.
MELANIE
You feel stupid? What about us?!
The tension is awful.
Unsure beat -- then fed-up Richards jumps up and storms off
the set. A CAMERAMAN hesitantly pans, confused what to do.
Mary is lost. She continues giggling, "stoned."
Richards returns... with the CUE CARDS. Irked, he dumps
them over Andy's head.
The crowd CHEERS stupidly.
ANDY
You didn't have to do that!
Andy gets enraged, grabs his prop water glass and THROWS it
in Richard's face.
RICHARDS
Hey! CUT IT OUT!
MELANIE
You JERK!
Melanie slaps her prop butter in Andy's hair.
WIDE - Jack runs up from the floor. He gestures at the
booth.
JACK BURNS
Go to commercial, man!
(he turns to Andy)
Get off the stage!
ANDY
I said I didn't want to do the
sketch.
JACK BURNS
(he JABS him)
GET OFF!
ANDY
DON'T TOUCH ME!
Andy HITS Jack. Jack recoils and SLUGS him. They start
FIGHTING.
BURLY CREWMEN run in. The crowd WHOOOOOS.
Chaos. Andy swings wildly. The brawl goes wild. Actors
duck. Crewmen struggle to separate Andy and Jack. Everyone
gets dragged in.
IN THE AUDIENCE - Michael tries to run up and help. A
SECURITY GUY blocks him.
INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - NIGHT
The tech crew is freaking out. Maynard is oddly calm.
TECH DIRECTOR
Go to three! Eh, go to four!
CUT TO:
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME
Stanley and Janice are flabbergasted. Jaws wide.
On their TV - fists are flying. Suddenly, the BAND kicks in
and the show abruptly cuts to COMMERCIAL.
They stare at the TV. Until --
STANLEY
I shoulda made him play outdoors.
INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT
Andy and Jack are socking each other. A FLOOR DIRECTOR
screams at the top of his lungs.
FLOOR DIRECTOR
We've gone to commercial! I said,
WE'VE GONE TO COMMERCIAL!!
Andy turns. He notices the red lights are off -- and...
instantly stops fighting. Just like that. Jack instantly
stops too. They glance at each other -- hold a beat -- then
break into GUFFAWS. They laugh and joyously kid each other.
In the audience, Michael is STUNNED.
MELANIE
Oh my God --!
All the commotion stops. The audience doesn't know whether
to laugh or boo. The actors are flabbergasted -- then
furious.
MELANIE (cont'd)
He's a fuckin' psycho!
MARY
Why didn't someone tell us???
Suddenly Maynard runs out of the booth, beaming. People
watch curiously.
Andy seems discombobulated. Maynard shouts out to EVERYBODY
assembled.
MAYNARD
Excuse me!... I have an announcement
to make! You've all just
participated in a "happening." To
make it real, some of you knew, and
some of you didn't.
The audience LAUGHS and APPLAUDS wildly. The actors stare
in disbelief. One laughs hysterically. Most are pissed.
MAYNARD (cont'd)
But we don't want to upset the folks
at home. So now Andy is now going
to apologize and explain that it was
all a prank. Right, Andy?
ANDY
(very quiet)
Right...
MAYNARD
Okay, great! So let's reset!
Crew members start moving things around.
In the audience, Michael locks eyes with Andy. An odd,
knowing moment between the brothers. Michael whispers,
getting worried.
MICHAEL
Andy...!
CUT TO:
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME
Stanley and Janice feel as if the commercials are lasting
forever.
JANICE
Why is Andy doing this? Why?...
Why?
The Fridays JINGLE starts, and Andy's face fades in on the
TV. He looks directly into the camera, nervous, stiff and
serious.
ANDY (ON TV)
During the commercial, the people at
ABC asked me to apologize... and to
tell you the truth. They wanted me
to explain that this whole fighting
episode was staged...
INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT
The sign above blinks "APPLAUSE". The audience obediently
APPLAUDS. In the booth, Maynard grins.
ANDY
And... um...
(choking up)
I can't do this.
(beat)
I-I can't say it.
(upset)
It's a lie! A cover-up!
Maynard is suddenly very confused. The crowd laughs
nervously.
ANDY (cont'd)
Why are you laughing? I'm not
trying to be funny! They threatened
to fire me from Taxi, unless I gave
in to their demands!
(shaken)
But... I won't! Because what you
saw was REAL!!
INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - NIGHT
Maynard looks like he's gonna faint.
MAYNARD
Cue the commercial!
ANDY (ON TV)
These kinds of things go on everyday
at the networks, only you never see
it, because they cut to commercials.
(he talks extremely
fast, to get in as
much information
before he's cut off)
Now for sure they're gonna fire me,
so if you want to see me again,
you'll have to come to Memphis...
And BLINK! Andy gets CUT OFF.
Maynard jumps up, furious. He snaps.
MAYNARD
I'm gonna STRANGLE George Shapiro!
INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME
The parents stare at the commercials. They're totally
disoriented.
JANICE
What's in Memphis?
STANLEY
Who knows?! That kid is totally
meshuga.
CUT TO:
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, MEMPHIS - NIGHT
Memphis wrestling. The announcer stands center ring,
booming into the mike.
ANNOUNCER
And now! The MAIN EVENT of the
evening! The match you've been
waiting for: The King Jerry Lawler,
versus Hollywood Andy Kaufman!
The THEME FROM "ROCKY" PLAYS -- and Lawler enters from the
tunnel, wearing a shimmering hero's cape! The crowd ROARS
with approval.
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME
Andy is meditating, eyes shut, at rest in his private oasis.
Suddenly -- DESPERATE BANGING on the door.
UPSET VOICE (O.S.)
C'MON, KAUFMAN! Christ, you're ON!
Andy awakens. He smiles.
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM - NIGHT
The THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" begins playing. Then, ANDY
strides in, a sneer on his grungy face. The crowd SCREAMS
and BOOS pure pile. Andy is euphoric, loving the hatred.
Down in the front row sit Stanley, Janice, Zmuda, and Lynne.
Several PHOTOGRAPHERS take pictures of the parents. They
squint, unused to all this.
Andy prances into the ring. He takes the mike.
ANDY
Before we begin this event, I just
wanna say a few things to you foul
people.
(beat)
This city is filthy! You
Southerners live like pigs! So I'm
going to teach you some lessons in
hygiene... bring you out of your
squalor.
Holy cow. The crowd is flabbergasted. Women in K-mart
dresses gape. Ruddy men in trucker caps glare.
ANDY (cont'd)
Are you listening?
(audience BOOS)
OKAY!!!
Lynne snickers. But Stanley and Janice are ashen-faced.
JANICE
Why is he saying these things?!
STANLEY
They're gonna lynch him!
ZMUDA
(he shakes his head)
Nah. He's just engaging a passive
audience.
Andy reaches in his pocket and removes... a bar of SOAP.
ANDY
People, this is a bar of soap. Does
it look familiar to you? If you wet
it, it'll clean your hands.
Stanley's eyes bulge.
The crowd is enraged -- rumblings of imminent violence.
Andy smiles helpfully.
ANDY (cont'd)
And now, for your next lesson: This
-- is toilet paper.
Andy holds up a ROLL OF TISSUE.
That's it. The crowd goes NUTS. Jerry Lawler races over
and snatches the mike, trying to maintain his dignity.
LAWLER
Kaufman, we've had enough!! Let's
you and me do what we came here for
-- WRESTLING!
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM - SECONDS LATER
And DING! That's the bell! Andy strikes a threatening
pose. Lawler takes a step forward -- and Andy instantly,
cowardly, runs for the ropes and jumps out of the ring.
BOOOOO!!! Andy grins at the crowd and points at his brain:
I'm smarter.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And Kaufman's left the ring!
Lawler's waiting for him to return.
LYNNE
(to Zmuda)
Is this a strategy?
Lawler disparagingly frowns. The REF checks his watch.
Andy crosses to the opposite end of the ring, gauging his
rival... then slowly climbs in --
Until the second Lawler moves. Then Andy leaps back out!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And Kaufman's left the ring again!
He doesn't seem interested in
actually making contact with his
opponent.
Andy struts around the floor, pointing to his brain. He
smirks at various spectators... until he finds himself face-
to-face with -- his parents.
An unexpected moment. Andy's finger frozen on his brain.
Janice shakes her head despairingly.
JANICE
Andy, please. Let's go home!
Cameras FLASH. The paparazzi love these moments.
ANDY
Don't worry, Mom. I'll make you
proud...!
Beat -- then Andy gets HIT in the head with a cup.
People HOOT. Disoriented, Andy returns to the ringside.
Lawler is losing his patience.
LAWLER
Hey! Did you come down here to
wrestle, or to act like an ass?
Andy paces around, unsure of his next move.
LAWLER (cont'd)
Look... if you get in here, I'll
give you a free headlock.
Lawler leans down and offers his neck.
Andy peers skeptically. People JEER. Andy looks at waiting
Lawler... then tentatively climbs in.
As promised, Lawler doesn't move. So Andy crosses over and
grabs Lawler's head! Andy grins triumphantly. He squeezes
his arms tight, muscles flexing, riding high on this moment.
Until -- Lawler stands and flips him over. Andy SLAMS DOWN
on his back. CRUNCH!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It's a side suplex!!
Andy lies on the mat, unmoving. Lawler doesn't care. He
picks up Andy's prone body and grips it upside-down. Janice
covers her eyes. Stanley is worried.
REFEREE
(frantically
gesturing)
NO! NO!
Lawler disregards the Ref and slams Andy's head in a pile-
driver!!
A horrible THUD.
DING! The BELL immediately RINGS.
JANICE opens her eyes and SCREAMS.
JANICE
JESUS CHRIST!!!!!
STANLEY
Why isn't he MOVING??
Andy's parents' reaction is a fiesta for photographers.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Lawler has committed a PILEDRIVER,
which is an AUTOMATIC
DISQUALIFICATION! Match goes to
Kaufman by disqualification, after
two minutes, twelve seconds!
Andy is splayed unconscious.
Raging Lawler promenades around the ring, arms over his
head. The crowd SHOUTS CRAZILY, rooting him on.
Lynne runs to the ropes, SCREAMING for help.
LYNNE
ANDY!!!
(frantic)
Somebody get a DOCTOR!
ZMUDA
(yelling)
WE NEED A STRETCHER!!
Stanley, totally numbed, holds Janice. They're on the verge
of collapsing. Tons of commotion. Cameras FLASH
BLINDINGLY. A stretcher is lifted into the ring. Andy is
loaded on. MUSIC fights the deafening NOISE.
BEDLAM. Andy is carried through the crowd, followed by his
entourage. A soft object HITS Stanley on the head.
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Andy is being carried by the Coliseum EMPLOYEES into the
dressing room. The entourage follows. Zmuda pushes out the
crowd of REPORTERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, and ONLOOKERS. He slams
the door and locks it.
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
Janice runs to Andy's side. She's crying.
JANICE
Andy!! Are you okay?!?
Andy opens his eyes.
ANDY
I'm fine, Mom, you can calm down.
A confused beat.
STANLEY
B-but... we saw... your neck...
ANDY
Nah, it's phony baloney -- I faked
the whole thing.
(beat)
It didn't hurt at all. It was just
a yoga move. I tucked my head in.
Deadpan, Andy sits up.
Total silence. Stanley stares... then a FURY comes over
him.
STANLEY
Andrew -- HOW DARE YOU!! For all we
knew, you were DYING! Look at your
mother -- she's still shaking!
Andy is splayed unconscious.
Raging Lawler promenades around the ring, arms over his
head. The crowd SHOUTS CRAZILY, rooting him on.
Lynne runs to the ropes, SCREAMING for help.
LYNNE
ANDY!!!
(frantic)
Somebody get a DOCTOR!
ZMUDA
(yelling)
WE NEED A STRETCHER!!
Stanley, totally numbed, holds Janice. They're on the verge
of collapsing. Tons of commotion. Cameras FLASH
BLINDINGLY. A stretcher is lifted into the ring. Andy is
loaded on. MUSIC fights the deafening NOISE.
BEDLAM. Andy is carried through the crowd, followed by his
entourage. A soft object HITS Stanley on the head.
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Andy is being carried by the Coliseum EMPLOYEES into the
dressing room. The entourage follows. Zmuda pushes out the
crowd of REPORTERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, and ONLOOKERS. He slams
the door and locks it.
INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
Janice runs to Andy's side. She's crying.
JANICE
Andy!! Are you okay?!?
Andy opens his eyes.
ANDY
I'm fine, Mom, you can calm down.
A confused beat.
STANLEY
B-but... we saw... your neck...
ANDY
Nah, it's phony baloney -- I faked
the whole thing.
(beat)
It didn't hurt at all. It was just
a yoga move. I tucked my head in.
Deadpan, Andy sits up.
Total silence. Stanley stares... then a FURY comes over
him.
STANLEY
Andrew -- HOW DARE YOU!! For all we
knew, you were DYING! Look at your
mother -- she's still shaking!
ANDY
But that's it. I needed you to
believe! Our family will be in the
newspapers. People will look, and
they'll be touched. Because your
emotions were honest!
Stanley has a blank expression. But Janice starts to cry.
JANICE
Andy, I love you! I love you,
whatever you do...!
She hugs Andy tightly.
Andy is genuinely shocked. He looks at his quivering
mother... and then his voice softens, truly remorseful.
ANDY
Geez, I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't
have put you through all that...
(quiet)
Well, from now on, you'll always
know the rule of thumb: Anything
that happens to me... IS NOT REAL.
EXT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM - NIGHT
A crowd of reporters parts. They make way for Andy, who is
carried out on the stretcher and loaded into a waiting
AMBULANCE. He is "unconscious."
Cameras CLICK and FLASH. The ambulance speeds away, siren
WAILING.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Andy sits watching an OLD DOCTOR examining a number of x-
rays clipped to light panels.
OLD DOCTOR
I don't see any injury to your neck,
Mr. Kaufman.
ANDY
Are you sure?
OLD DOCTOR
Positive.
ANDY
But my neck hurts... and I have a
slight cough...
OLD DOCTOR
It's probably just a strained
muscle.
ANDY
(intent)
Doctor, I think I need a neck brace.
The Doctor gives up.
OLD DOCTOR
If it makes you happy...
MONTAGE OF NEWSPAPER PHOTOS:
Andy in the ring, Andy outside the ring, on the floor, with
his frightened parents, in a neck brace, on the stretcher,
etc.
INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DAY
George, Zmuda and Andy are looking through hundreds of
clippings from the newspapers.
ZMUDA
(reading aloud)
"... has been rushed to a nearby
hospital, where doctors are checking
him for possible paralysis. His
parents are at his bedside. Fans
will best remember Kaufman as
lovable Latka on television's
Taxi"...
ANDY
It's a rave! Boy, if I ever fake my
death, they'll really miss me.
ZMUDA
It's working for Elvis.
GEORGE
(sarcastic)
Yeah, he's just laying low, waitin'
for his comeback.
(he sees an article
and winces)
God, listen to this! "It was
morally wrong to take advantage of
such an unstable individual..."
ZMUDA
Wow, you can't BUY this kind of
publicity!
George rolls his eyes.
ANDY
George, let's not drop the ball on
this. I've made some kind of cosmic
career move.
Somebody KNOCKS outside. Andy jumps up, puts on his neck
brace, and transforms himself into a shuffling invalid. A
DELIVERY BOY drags in an enormous basket of flowers and
goodies. Andy takes the card. It reads "Andy, we're all
praying for you. Your friends at Taxi."
Andy chuckles.
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER - DAY
George is eating with the Saturday Night Live Producer,
Lorne Michaels. They're eating lunch in an outdoor cafe.
GEORGE
Thanks for seeing me on such short
notice.
(he takes a careful
beat)
I... I wanted to talk to you about
booking Andy on "Saturday Night
Live."
Lorne Michaels squirms uncomfortably. He chooses his words.
LORNE MICHAELS
George -- I don't know if Andy works
for our show anymore. That
wrestling stuff... is such a
turnoff.
GEORGE
We agree completely.
(tactfully begging)
Andy has to reconnect with his core
audience. So I got him on Letterman
tonight. He's gonna apologize to
Jerry Lawler, then repent for all
his bad guy shenanigans.
Lorne Michaels mulls this over.
LORNE MICHAELS
That's smart.
GEORGE
He's very sincere.
(quietly emphatic)
And he needs your show...
Beat. Lorne Michaels nods.
LORNE MICHAELS
Okay. It'd be good to have the old
Andy back.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW - NIGHT
Andy and Jerry Lawler are on DAVID LETTERMAN'S show. Andy
is pallid, hair shaggy, in a neckbrace and tweed jacket.
Husky Lawler wears loud red pants and gold chains.
Andy speaks timidly, seeming a bit dazed and regretful.
ANDY
I apologize for all the wrestling
I've ever done. I'm sorry for all
the abuse I've ever given...
(soft)
I was just playing bad guy wrestler.
That's not me... it's just a role.
But Jerry took it personally.
Lawler and Letterman are unimpressed.
LETTERMAN
You said some pretty inflammatory
things.
LAWLER
He thinks everything's a joke -- but
it's not.
(to Andy)
Did you laugh when you were layin'
in the hospital??
The crowd WHOOOOS.
Angst flickers on Andy's sweaty face. He stammers.
ANDY
T-there wasn't a reason to purposely
hurt me --
LAWLER
You're a wimp.
ANDY
(upset)
My father said I should've gotten a
lawyer --!
LAWLER
Then your father's a wimp.
ANDY
(losing it)
And you're just poor white trash!
Lawler's had enough. Enraged, he wildly stands and SLAPS
Andy.
BAM!
Andy crashes over and falls from his chair.
THUD. He's on the floor.
Dead silence. Everyone is astonished.
They're all slack-jawed. Even PAUL SHAFFER. Trying to
cover, Paul hurriedly kicks in with a ROCKABILLY TUNE.
Andy jumps up, crazed.
ANDY (cont'd)
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SHIT!
Lawler freezes in his seat. Letterman hides behind his
desk.
Andy storms over, out-of-control. From a safe distance, he
starts SCREAMING at Lawler.
ANDY (cont'd)
YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT, Lawler! I
WILL SUE YOUR ASS! YOU'RE A FUCKING
ASSHOLE!
(he POUNDS the desk)
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I WILL GET YOU
FOR THIS!!!
Freaked, Andy leaps up and storms out.
LETTERMAN
You said some pretty inflammatory
things.
LAWLER
He thinks everything's a joke -- but
it's not.
(to Andy)
Did you laugh when you were layin'
in the hospital??
The crowd WHOOOOS.
Angst flickers on Andy's sweaty face. He stammers.
ANDY
T-there wasn't a reason to purposely
hurt me --
LAWLER
You're a wimp.
ANDY
(upset)
My father said I should've gotten a
lawyer --!
LAWLER
Then your father's a wimp.
ANDY
(losing it)
And you're just poor white trash!
Lawler's had enough. Enraged, he wildly stands and SLAPS
Andy.
BAM!
Andy crashes over and falls from his chair.
THUD. He's on the floor.
Dead silence. Everyone is astonished.
They're all slack-jawed. Even PAUL SHAFFER. Trying to
cover, Paul hurriedly kicks in with a ROCKABILLY TUNE.
Andy jumps up, crazed.
ANDY (cont'd)
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SHIT!
Lawler freezes in his seat. Letterman hides behind his
desk.
Andy storms over, out-of-control. From a safe distance, he
starts SCREAMING at Lawler.
ANDY (cont'd)
YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT, Lawler! I
WILL SUE YOUR ASS! YOU'RE A FUCKING
ASSHOLE!
(he POUNDS the desk)
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I WILL GET YOU
FOR THIS!!!
Freaked, Andy leaps up and storms out.
The crowd CHEERS rowdily.
An unsure moment. Dave glances at Lawler.
Until, Andy stumbles back in. He tries to calm himself.
ANDY (cont'd)
I am sorry. I am sorry to use those
words on television. I apologize!
I'm sorry!
(demented)
But YOU -- you're a MOTHERFUCKING
ASSHOLE!!!!
Andy slams Dave's desk. Dave jerks nervously.
Crazed, Andy looks down at Dave's coffee cup. Uh-oh.
Suddenly, Andy grabs the coffee and DUMPS it on Lawler!
Lawler jumps, burned. A SECURITY GUARD runs in.
Andy screams and hurtles away. He slams open the stage door
and barrels out of sight.
INTERCUT:
INT. LORNE MICHAELS' HOUSE - SAME TIME
Lorne Michaels is watching this at home. He gapes in
disbelief.
LORNE MICHAELS
Jesus Christ.
CUT TO:
INT. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - ONE WEEK LATER
A SMUG COMIC stands on stage, speaking into camera. The
show's going out live.
SMUG COMIC
Hi. Um, we were supposed to have
Andy Kaufman on our show this week -
- but now our producers aren't sure
if it's such a good idea.
(beat)
Some of us at Saturday Night Live
think Kaufman's a comic genius. But
others disagree... they say he's
just not funny anymore.
(beat)
So we're putting the decision up to
you. Please call up and vote. To
keep Andy, call 1-900-244-7618. To
DUMP him, call...
INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY
Tight on Andy, staring at the LA Times. A small headline
says "JOKESTER ANDY KAUFMAN VOTED OFF 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'"
He is bothered.
ANDY
This is bad... I only got 28
percent! I'm like McGovern in
'72...
George sighs.
GEORGE
And this wasn't "Merv." This was
the hippest audience on television.
(grim)
They've turned on you.
At that... we reveal that SOMEONE ELSE is sitting next to
Andy. But only the back of his head is visible.
GEORGE (cont'd)
It's like you two guys wanted to
destroy Andy's career! Upsetting
all those people... putting out that
toxic venom...
(helpless)
What did you THINK would happen?!
ANDY
(guilty)
We were just trying to push the
envelope --
GEORGE
You're BLIND! There is no envelope
anymore!!
(beat)
It hurts me to say this... but
there's only one solution --
(pained)
I don't want you two to ever work
together again.
We WIDEN...
And the other person is JERRY LAWLER. He feels bad.
JERRY LAWLER
I'm sorry. We thought it was
funny...
ANDY
Jer', it's not your fault. You were
terrific.
(sad)
But maybe George is right...
JERRY LAWLER
That's fine. But I wouldn't have
traded it for anything...
(poignant)
Because for one brief, shining
moment... the world thought that
wrestling was real.
Andy gulps emotionally.
ANDY
We'll stay in touch. Next time I'm
in Memphis, I'll stop by the house,
and Noreen can make me her double
chocolate cake.
JERRY LAWLER
Alright, buddy...
(choked up)
Stay good.
Andy and Jerry hug.
A touching beat... until Andy gets a Quixotic gleam.
ANDY
Maybe I can turn it into a bit. I
can go back on the show, and say it
was rigged. Demand a recount...
GEORGE
Andy! You don't get it!
(somber)
They don't want you back.
Andy's face drops.
INT. MEDITATION INSTITUTE UNIVERSITY, CORRIDOR - DAY
The Yogi slowly walks down the corridor, deep in thought. A
few DISCIPLES IN TURBANS mill around.
INT. MEDITATION INSTITUTE UNIVERSITY, CLASSROOM - DAY
NINE STUDENTS, sitting in the Lotus position, are listening
to a teacher. The teacher is Andy.
ANDY
Open your eyes... close your eyes...
open your eyes... close your eyes...
open your eyes... close your eyes...
Andy is repeating this faster and faster; the students are
blinking their eyes faster and faster.
The door opens. The Yogi sticks his head in.
YOGI
Excuse me, Andy...
ANDY
Yes, your Holiness?
The Yogi signals Andy to step out of the room.
INT. MEDITATION INSTITUTE UNIVERSITY, CORRIDOR - DAY
Andy steps out.
YOGI
This is very difficult for me to
say... but -- perhaps it would be
best if you didn't attend the
retreat.
ANDY
(surprised)
Why?? I... I attend every year.
YOGI
Yes -- we do not doubt your devotion
to TM. But we feel that perhaps...
you and the program have grown apart
philosophically.
Andy is stunned.
ANDY
"Philosophically"?
YOGI
(he sighs)
The wrestling... the sexist
remarks... the foul language...
these things are not becoming of an
enlightened individual.
(beat)
It seems you have no respect for
anything.
Andy is stupefied. He doesn't know how to respond.
ANDY
Of course I do...
The Yogi shakes his head. Andy can't believe it. He looks
around -- men in turbans staring at him.
Andy cracks.
ANDY
Please! You've GOT to let me take
the classes! It's how I keep myself
BALANCED!!
YOGI
It is apparently not working.
ANDY
So HELP ME! All I wanna do is
MEDITATE!!
YOGI
(pained)
Andy, don't raise your voice. We
don't wish your presence here.
Andy is broken.
He fights to bottle his rage -- then notices Little Wendy
down the corridor, peering helplessly. Beaten, Andy waves
goodbye to her.
Little Wendy gulps, then waves goodbye too.
CUT TO:
INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Middle of the afternoon, Andy lies in bed. Covers pulled up
to his face, expression glum, he's like a tragic still-life.
Suddenly DING-DONG! It's the doorbell.
Andy ignores this. Beat. Another DING-DONG! Then
KNOCKING.
ANDY
Go away.
LYNNE (O.S.)
It's me.
ANDY
Oh, it's open.
The door opens. Lynne enters, holding a carton of ice
cream.
LYNNE
I brought you Haagen Dazs.
Chocolate.
ANDY
(mournful)
I don't deserve Haagen Daz. I'm a
horrible person.
LYNNE
Andy, you're not horrible. You're
just... complicated.
ANDY
You don't know the real me.
LYNNE
Andy... there is no real you.
TIGHT - ANDY
An astonished silence.
And then... he slowly smiles.
ANDY
You're probably right.
They both giggle.
Andy studies her... looking at Lynne's face, body, eyes.
Pause.
ANDY
Do you wanna move in together?
Lynne smiles slyly. She leans down and kisses him.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - DAY
A moving van outside a funky 60's house. MOVERS carry boxes
in.
INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Andy sits disoriented in the living room. Movers bustle
around him. Mirrors get leaned against opposing walls --
and he finds himself looking into multiple reflections of
himself.
In the b.g., Lynne arranges some vases, then hurries out.
Andy opens a box and pulls out his old Howdy Doody doll. He
smiles, then places Howdy on the shelf next to the vases.
Suddenly a phone on the floor RINGS. He grins.
ANDY
Hey! Our first phone call!
(he scrambles for
the phone)
Hello?
GEORGE (V.O.)
Andy... it's me. I've got some
crummy news.
(long beat)
Taxi's been canceled.
Silence.
Andy has no response.
GEORGE (V.O.) (cont'd)
Do you want me to come over? Talk
about it?
ANDY
Um... no. Uh, I'm sorta busy right
now. Thanks. We'll get together
next week.
Andy hangs up. He just sits there... confused... unsure how
to react.
Andy scratches his head -- then feels something odd. He
goes over to the mirror. On the back of his neck... is an
inflamed red pimple. Andy grimaces.
ANDY (cont'd)
Yuck!
INT. LA IMPROV, SHOWROOM - LATE NIGHT
Very late -- a clock says 1:15. A YOUNG COMIC is onstage,
performing to the DOZEN audience members left.
In back walks... Andy. Unshaven, morose, he quietly
approaches paternal owner BUDD FRIEDMAN. Budd sees him,
grins, and gives him a hearty hug. Andy points at the stage
and asks for something -- Budd eagerly nods.
INT. LA IMPROV, SHOWROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Budd is onstage.
BUDD
And now we have a treat for you late-
night diehards. The star of Taxi --
here in person, Andy Kaufman!
The sparse crowd APPLAUDS. Budd leaves, and Andy shuffles
up.
ANDY
Actually, Budd, you're wrong. I
found out today that Taxi's been
canceled.
The crowd AWWWWS sadly. Andy blinks.
ANDY (cont'd)
Yeah, that's how I felt too...
though I don't know why. 'Cause for
years, all I wanted to do was get
off that show.
(quiet, very
confessional)
But now that nobody will hire me,
and nobody thinks I'm funny... I
guess it was probably a pretty good
job.
One guy LAUGHS sharply.
Andy gives him a look -- thinks -- then continues.
ANDY (cont'd)
Not to mention that my wife has left
me. And she took the kids.
(he sighs)
I don't know what I'm gonna do with
myself. My options are sorta
limited...
(beat)
This morning, I noticed I've got a
cyst, or some kind of boil, on the
back of my neck. It's really
disgusting. Look.
Andy turns. The red lump is bigger, grosser. The crowd
GROANS, revolted.
ANDY (cont'd)
So I was thinking, since I'm sort of
a quasi-celebrity, that I could
charge people to touch it.
(candid)
Does anybody want to pay a buck to
touch my cyst?
A couple stoners GIGGLE and CLAP. Andy COUGHS, then frowns.
ANDY (cont'd)
I'm serious.
A pause... then a few curious people walk up to the stage.
The first taker is a GOOFY BLONDE WOMAN. She starts to
reach for the cyst -- when Andy stops her.
ANDY (cont'd)
No, no, you gotta pay first.
She nods, discomforted, and reaches for her purse...
CUT TO:
INT. LA IMPROV, BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT
A BUSBOY sweeps up. Budd counts money in the cash register.
Andy shuffles out of the showroom. He waves some bills.
ANDY
I made six bucks. That's good
money.
Budd stares sadly.
BUDD
This is a comedy club -- not a
medical sideshow.
(trying to be kind)
If you wanna perform here, take a
shower, get some sleep, and pull
yourself together. Come back and do
the material that people love: Do
the Mighty Mouse, the Foreign guy!
Andy, you gotta snap out of this
funk! If you can -- I'll give you
the headline spot tomorrow.
Andy thinks. The wheels are spinning.
CUT TO:
EXT. MELROSE - DAY
George is driving down Melrose, listening to the radio. He
glances at the passing marquee -- then does a doubletake.
It says "ANDY KAUFMAN - 9 P.M."
INT. LA IMPROV, LOBBY - THAT NIGHT
Puzzled George hurries inside. COMICS greet him: "Hey
George!" "George, you got a second?!" George distractedly
waves and moves through. At the showroom door, he finds
Budd.
GEORGE
Hey, what's going on here?
BUDD
George, you won't believe it... I
got Andy to do all the old material!
(grinning)
And he's killin' them!
Inside, there's HUGE LAUGHTER. George's eyes widen.
Piqued, he goes in...
INT. LA IMPROV, SHOWROOM - NIGHT
And it's packed! Andy is onstage, playing struggling,
lovable Foreign Man.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
... but one ting I do not like is
too much traffic. Tonight I had to
come on de freeway, and it was so
much traffic...
(giggling)
It took me an hour and a half to get
here!
Foreign Man chuckles pathetically.
The crowd HOWLS. Andy's rockin'.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
But talking about the terrible
things: My wife. Take my --
INTERRUPTING JERK
"Take my wife, please take her."
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
T-take my wife, please take her...
The rhythm is thrown. A couple laughs.
A flustered pause. Andy glances down, then continues.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
No really, I am only foolink. I
love my wife very much. But she
don't know how to cook --
INTERRUPTING JERK
"Her cooking is so bad, is
terrible."
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)
H-her cooking...
(Andy stumbles
uncomfortably)
Uh, cooking is so bad, is terrible.
The laughs are weaker. The act is getting wrecked.
IN BACK - George grimaces. Who the hell's doing this??
Angry, George hurries down front, looking for the loud jerk.
He scans the tables... and it's Zmuda.
ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)
But right now --
ZMUDA (AS JERK)
"But right now I would like to do
for you some imitations. First, the
Archie Bunker."
Andy freezes up.
The audience is embarrassed.
A frazzled confusion, then Andy drops the accent. He glares
at Zmuda.
ANDY
Sir, do you have a problem?
ZMUDA (AS JERK)
Yeah, my problem is you're tired.
Andy winces.
ANDY
I, I was asked to do this material -
-
ZMUDA (AS JERK)
Sure, because your new stuff's a
bunch of crap. Kaufman, people are
sick of you. The wrestling... the
hoaxes...
ANDY
(defensive)
Hey -- that stuff gets written-up in
the papers --
ZMUDA (AS JERK)
Who gives a shit?! It's not funny!
GEORGE - is dumbfounded.
GEORGE
(to himself)
Why...? Andy, why...?
ON ANDY AND ZMUDA
ZMUDA
I used to think you were original.
ANDY
I was very original!
ZMUDA
Yeah, exactly -- "was"! But now,
you're creatively bankrupt.
(he gleams cruelly)
In fact, Ladies and Gentlemen,
Kaufman's so desperate, he PAID me
to do this tonight!! I'm a plant.
It's just a fresh coat of paint on
an old broken-down routine.
(back to Andy)
Isn't that true???
Andy shudders.
The audience averts their eyes.
A painful silence.
"Andy Kaufman" has been destroyed.
EXT. LA IMPROV - LATER THAT NIGHT
Andy and George walk sadly down the street. There is a
horrible gloom over them.
ANDY
The world thinks Andy Kaufman sucks.
So I was just giving 'em what they
want...
GEORGE
(sadly)
Andy, they don't think you suck.
They've just... lost a reason to
love you.
The guys stop walking. George gently speaks.
GEORGE (cont'd)
You've gotta make the public embrace
you again. You have to win back
their sympathy...
ON ANDY
He nods.
ANDY
I'll come up with something.
CUT TO:
INT. LAUREL CANYON, BEDROOM - NIGHT
The telephone wakes up Lynne in the new bedroom. She looks
over -- Andy's not there. She looks at the clock and it's
4:30 am. She picks up the phone.
LYNNE
Andy!!... Where are you? I've been
worried sick... NOW??... Where do
you want to meet?... Okay, I'll call
them...
Lynne's baffled.
INT. DENNY'S - DAWN
Late-night Hollywood weirdos mill about. Andy sits with
bleary Lynne, Zmuda, and George. Zmuda admires the menu.
ZMUDA
Look at that Grand Slam! Two eggs,
two bacon, two sausage, two pancakes
-- $2.99! How do they do it?
LYNNE
They get you on the coffee.
GEORGE
(irritable)
Excuse me -- but could Andy tell us
why we're here???
All heads turn. A long pause.
Then -- Andy stiffly speaks.
ANDY
I have cancer.
Beat. Zmuda nods.
ZMUDA
Hey, that's good! We can make that
play.
(spitballing)
And we'll really drag it out. You
get better, you get worse... you
die...
GEORGE
FORGET IT. It's in terrible taste!
I want nothing to do with this.
Pause. Lynne is puzzled.
LYNNE
Andy, are you serious?
ZMUDA
(grinning)
Serious like a heart attack! Hey,
maybe I can push you around in some
goofy wheelchair!
Andy softly shakes his head.
ANDY
No, it's true. I have lung cancer.
GEORGE
That's ridiculous. You don't even
smoke.
ANDY
(emphatic)
I -- I got some freaky rare kind.
It's called large-celled carcinoma.
Lynne's eyes tear up. She hugs onto Andy.
LYNNE
Jesus, Andy! Can they cure it?
ANDY
They don't know... they've gotta run
more tests.
LYNNE
(starting to cry)
Have you told your family?
ANDY
No, NO! Not yet. I feel bad --
I've jerked 'em around so many
times.
George and Zmuda glance skeptically at each other. Hmm...
Confused, George leans in to Andy.
GEORGE
Andy... you look me in the eye, and
tell me this is true.
Andy gulps.
ANDY
George -- it's true.
INT. DENNY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
George confronts Zmuda.
GEORGE
If I find out you're behind this,
I'll kill you.
ZMUDA
What are ya TALKIN' ABOUT?! I was
the one saying I didn't believe it!
GEORGE
Exactly. That's the sort of thing
you guys would work out to fuck me
up.
INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - DAY
Andy is doing laundry. He empties the clean clothes, puts
them in a basket, and carries them to the rug. Then he sits
down and starts laying out pairs of socks in highly
symmetrical patterns. Focused, impassive, Andy pointlessly
orders the socks like the world depended on it.
Lynne enters, emotionally wrecked. She stares in
frustration at Andy's behavior.
LYNNE
How can you be so casual??!
ANDY
(he shrugs)
Even if I'm dying -- I still need
clean socks.
LYNNE
You're NOT DYING!
ANDY
Okay. You're probably right.
He keeps working. Lynne loses it.
LYNNE
God, you're so detached!!
Lynne storms out.
Andy finishes his socks. Satisfied... he turns on the TV.
ON THE TV: It's "Lassie." Little TIMMY is laid-up in bed,
with a broken leg. Suddenly LASSIE runs in, holding a book.
Lassie places the book on his lap. The boy smiles
gratefully.
TIMMY (ON TV)
Thank you, girl. You're my best
friend.
Timmy warmly embraces the dog.
ANDY - is terribly touched. Tears start rolling down his
face.
Genuine sobbing. Terrible grief, until he wipes his cheeks.
Andy collects himself, then reaches for a phone. He dials a
long number.
ANDY
(on phone)
Dad...?
CUT TO:
INT. CEDARS SINAI, RADIATION ROOM - DAY
ANDY lies under the machine. It bombards his body with
powerful radiation.
INT. CEDARS SINAI, DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
The whole Kaufman family is gathered. Stanley, Janice,
Michael and Carol listen to a BLAND DOCTOR in a white coat.
DOCTOR
The cancer started in Andy's left
arm and spread to his lungs. We've
initiated an aggressive radiation
program... see if we can eradicate
the affected cells.
(his BEEPER goes
off)
Excuse me. I'll be right back.
The doctor leaves. A somber silence -- and then Janice
bursts into tears. Stanley hugs her tightly.
Carol watches the doctor with great hostility. His old
tennis shoes are grabbing her attention. He leaves, and she
frowns.
CAROL
What a crock.
STANLEY
(angered)
How dare you make light of this!
CAROL
Dad, I cried when he broke his neck.
He's not gettin' me again --
STANLEY
(impassioned)
Jesus! He's got lung cancer!
A standoff moment. Carol loses it.
CAROL
See, that's exactly it! He picked
lung cancer, because he doesn't
smoke. That makes it weird! If
he'd picked leukemia, it'd be
totally believable, and we'd all be
going, "Poor Andy, he's really
sick." So he chose lung cancer,
because he WANTS us to be scratching
our heads, saying, "Is this real?"
JANICE
(trying to convince
herself)
Of course it's real. We're in a
hospital...
MICHAEL
Mom, it's Cedars-Sinai! It's a
showbiz hospital! Andy's studio
friends probably run this place!
CAROL
He plans these things out. He takes
over, hires actors...
(beat)
Personally, I didn't think that
"doctor" was very convincing.
MICHAEL
Did you notice his costume had the
wrong shoes?
CAROL
(excited)
Yeah! He didn't have doctor shoes!
A moment of total silence. All four of them look at each
other. Is there... a glimmer of hope?
MICHAEL
We all know he's talked about faking
his own death...
STANLEY
Sure -- but what if he isn't?
(sad; poignant)
My son could be dying... and we're
actin' like we're on Candid Camera.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - DAY
George pulls up in his convertible. He jumps out.
He walks to the door and starts to knock -- when suddenly it
creeps open. It's Lynne, putting her finger to her lips:
Shh!
INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
The house is dark. Lynne leads George into the shrouded
living room... and Andy is sitting in a Lotus position,
concentrating. In front is a WILD-HAIRED MAN in a purple
robe.
WILD-HAIRED MAN
I want you to visualize. Visualize
big, healthy white cells in your
body. Now visualize little cancer
cells. Now those big white cells
are attacking the cancer cells...
ANDY
I see them... I see the white
cells...
In the corner -- George stares. He's fighting his
skepticism.
CUT TO:
INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
The drapes are open. Sunlight streams in. Andy hugs the
teacher goodbye, and the man leaves.
George has been waiting in back.
GEORGE
What was that all about?
ANDY
It's visualization therapy. He's
helping me turn inward and fight the
disease.
Long beat.
GEORGE
He's an actor. I remember him in
"The In-Laws."
Ah. Andy's eyes widen. His wheels are spinning fast.
ANDY
Uh, yes... that's true. But he's
also ordained in holistic medicine.
ON GEORGE - He glares, stewing. George is fed up.
ON ANDY - An unspoken tension. Then suddenly, he breaks
down.
ANDY (cont'd)
George, what am I supposed to do?!
I'm sick, and I'm tryin' to get
better... but everyone's lookin' at
me funny! Even you come to my home
and act like I'm puttin' on a skit!
GEORGE
You must take a little pleasure in
it.
ANDY
Of course!
(beat)
But that doesn't mean I don't need
everyone's support! I can't be
surrounded by negative energy.
George shakes his head.
GEORGE
Andy, you're surrounded by what you
create. You are the KING of
negative energy.
ANDY
(thrown)
Y-yeah? Well, then it has to stop!
Because if these bad vibes get
out... then everyone will be talkin'
about how sick I am, and it becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy, and then
-- I'm dead.
Andy struggles to remain composed. George sighs.
GEORGE
So how can I help you...?
ANDY
I wanna go back to work and put on a
happy show.
(bright-eyed)
The best show anybody's ever seen!
GEORGE
Do you wanna tour the clubs?
ANDY
No clubs. I wanna reach the TOP!
(beat)
Carnegie Hall...!
George gently smiles.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL ENQUIRER OFFICES - DAY
A STAFF meeting at the National Enquirer.
REPORTER #1
I'm working on a great cover story:
I've got a guy in the lab at Cedars.
He says Andy Kaufman is dying of
lung cancer.
Beat. The room GROANS.
EDITOR
What bullshit! No. No more Kaufman
stories! He's burned us too many
times!
REPORTER #2
Yeah, he's definitely not dying.
He's playing Carnegie Hall next
month!
The Reporter frowns.
REPORTER #1
Jesus. Only Kaufman would use
cancer as a publicity stunt.
INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - NIGHT
A 16mm PROJECTOR runs a scratchy 1930's movie short on the
wall. Smiling fake COWBOYS and COWGIRLS dance, the cowgirls
straddling hobby horses. They all SING.
COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS
"I've got spurs
That jingle-jangle jingle..."
WE WIDEN
Andy, George and Zmuda watch. Andy's face is enthralled
like a kid.
ANDY
This is great. The crowd's gonna
love this!
(giddy; thinking)
Hey... do you still think any of
those cowgirls are still alive?
ZMUDA
I dunno. If they were, they'd be
pushin' 80.
ANDY
Well, call SAG. It'd be cool to get
one on the show.
(excited)
I want the evening to build and
build. It's gonna have the most
incredible ending: Singers, dancers,
the "Hallelujah Chorus" -- then the
sky opens, and Santa Claus comes
flying down!
ZMUDA
And you say, "Santa, what am I
gettin' for Christmas?" And he
says, "Cancer!"
ANDY
No! NO NO NO! None of that! I
want this show to be positive!
GEORGE
That's great... but this show's
gonna cost a fortune. Even if it
sells out, you'll still lose eighty
grand.
Andy smiles.
ANDY
I don't care about the money. I
just want the show to deliver.
GEORGE
So who's gonna pay for it?
ANDY
Tony Clifton.
GEORGE
(beat)
You know Tony doesn't have that kind
of money.
ANDY
Then he'll borrow it. I know Tony
better than you do. Even if he has
to work another ten years to pay it
off, he'll do it!
Pause. George considers this -- then slowly nods.
GEORGE
Okay, Andy. Will do.
CUT TO:
INT. CEDARS SINAI - DAY
Andy silently sits. The doctor and two NURSES administer a
chemo drip into Andy's body.
He stares at the needle in his arm.
The chemo begins.
CUT TO:
EXT. CARNEGIE HALL - NIGHT
A dressy NEW YORK CROWD pushes into Carnegie Hall. The
marquee says "ANDY KAUFMAN."
INT. CARNEGIE HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT
The show is on. Andy effusively PLAYS his conga drum and
SINGS nonsense words to "Allouette, Gentille Alloutte."
ANDY
Abbu daba, abi abbu daba! Abbu
daba, abu dabu do!
(to the crowd)
Abbu dabbu da ba do...!
Everyone repeats. In the audience, George sings along too.
AUDIENCE
ABBU DABBU DA BA DO!!
ANDY
A ba du ba ti la ma na go!
AUDIENCE
A BA DU BA TI... LA... MA NA GO...
ANDY
(grinning)
Abbu da ba du ba ti lama na gobo abi
tabu la!
AUDIENCE
ABBU DA BA DU...
The crowd hopelessly breaks out LAUGHING.
ANDY laughs along. They're all having a good time.
INT. CARNEGIE HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT
The corny "Jingle Jangle Cowboy" MOVIE is playing on a big
screen. It finishes. Beaming Andy grabs the mike.
ANDY
Ladies and Gentlemen! I'm pleased
to announce that we have with us the
one surviving cowgirl from that 1931
film, Eleanor "Cody" Gould!!
Crazed APPLAUSE. Frail ELEANOR GOULD, 75, comes onstage.
ANDY (cont'd)
It's such an honor to have you here.
ELEANOR
(squinting into the
lights)
Andy... this is so overwhelming...
ANDY
Well, it's gettin' even better!
'Cause we found one of the original
hobby horses! Do you -- do you
think you could treat us to a few
steps from "Jingle Jangle Jingle"?
Eleanor starts to protest -- but Andy hands her the HOBBY
HORSE. She blushes. Andy turns away, goes to the band, and
starts conducting. They begin to PLAY "JINGLE JANGLE
JINGLE." Eleanor awkwardly starts dancing in circles.
Andy gets excited and conducts FASTER. Eleanor is sweating.
She dances faster.
Andy impatiently SPEEDS UP the MUSIC MORE. Eleanor
desperately skips in circles, trying to keep up... when
suddenly she grabs her heart.
Eleanor stops -- and collapses. She's down.
A horrified GASP from the crowd. The band stops playing.
CREW MEMBERS run on from backstage. One checks her heart.
She's not moving. Zmuda runs out, horrified.
ZMUDA
Is there a doctor in the house??!
The crowd is stunned silent. Pause -- then one man stands.
It's Michael.
Straight-faced, he hurries out of his seat, sprints down the
aisle, and goes on stage. Michael checks her pulse and
loosens her blouse. He presses Eleanor's chest, trying to
restart her heart. But then -- he shakes his head sadly.
She's dead.
The crowd MOANS sadly. Michael covers Eleanor with a
jacket.
INT. CARNEGIE HALL, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Andy watches, pleased. Suddenly, he COUGHS harshly. Andy
drinks some water. Pause... then he puts on a goofy Indian
headdress and runs back out.
INT. CARNEGIE HALL - NIGHT
Eleanor lies dead. Andy skips over and starts doing an
Indian war dance around her body. The crowd is baffled.
Andy WHOOPS, he CHANTS... and then Eleanor starts to rise!
He WHOOPS triumphantly. She lives, like Frankenstein
reborn! The crowd CHEERS, surprised and giggling.
ANDY
Ladies and Gentlemen, she's alive!
Huge APPLAUSE.
CHOIR (O.S.)
HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!
ANDY
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir!!!
Rear curtains part, and the MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR belts
out the "Hallelujah Chorus"!
It's spectacular. The crowd goes nuts.
ANDY (cont'd)
Oh my gosh, it's the Rockettes!
Yes indeed, TWO DOZEN ROCKETTES rush in from the sides, legs
kicking high.
The crowd WHOOS.
ANDY (cont'd)
Girls and Boys, it's Santa Claus!!
Snow start falling, and SANTA ON HIS SLEIGH drops from
above.
The crowd screams with excitement. It's unbelievable. They
leap to a standing ovation.
In front are Stanley and Janice. They start crying.
Beaming Andy embraces Eleanor. Then he takes the mike.
ANDY (cont'd)
And it's not over yet!! 'Cause I'm
taking you all out to Milk and
Cookies!!
The crowd laughs.
ANDY (cont'd)
I'm serious!!!!!!!
EXT. CARNEGIE HALL - MINUTES LATER
A thousand people file out -- and THIRTY-FIVE SCHOOLBUSES
are parked up and down Fifth Avenue!!! The crowd is AWED.
Andy euphorically marches out, pushing his endurance. He's
the Pied Piper.
ANDY
Single file! Don't rush! There's
enough cookies for everyone!!
EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - LATER THAT NIGHT
The schoolbuses pull up to a school. The disoriented
passengers step out, not sure what to expect...
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, CAFETERIA - NIGHT
The audience crowds inside... and LADY CAFETERIA WORKERS in
hairnets are dispensing milk and cookies. It's remarkable.
At a little kids table sit Andy and Lynne. Andy's face is
pure joy. He watches all the adults munching on their
cookies, everyone giddy at the silliness of it all.
Andy smiles beautifully. He squeezes Lynne's hand, then
whispers.
ANDY
I don't want this to ever end...
EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT - DAY
A stucco SPA RESORT sits in the middle of the rocky desert.
INT. SPA - SAME TIME
A room with soft lighting and billowing curtains. A New Age
HEALER is laying crystals upon Andy's body.
Andy COUGHS. His hat is off, revealing he's bald.
HEALER
Now we'll place a blue crystal.
Very high vibrations. It's
wonderful for it's healing powers.
ANDY
(spellbound)
Okay. Let's try two of those... and
one of the pink ones.
EXT. SPA - DAY
Zmuda stands with a swarmy ADMINISTRATOR.
ADMINISTRATOR
Your friend is doing four crystal
sessions a day, but it's just not
helping.
ZMUDA
I know...
(beat)
The cancer's terminal.
ADMINISTRATOR
Yes. That wasn't made particularly
clear to us when he checked in...
ZMUDA
(irked)
Look, personally, I think rubbing
rocks on people is a load of
horseshit. But if it makes Andy
happy, that's all that matters.
The man purses his lips.
ADMINISTRATOR
I'm sorry to sound crass -- but we
don't want to be "that health resort
in New Mexico where Andy Kaufman
died."
(beat)
I'm going to have to ask you to
leave.
Zmuda is speechless.
INT. SPA, ANDY'S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
Zmuda angrily packs Andy's bags. Zmuda is seething.
But Andy is strangely calm and unaffected.
ANDY
It's okay, Bob. It wasn't really
working.
(a gentle smile)
We'll find something better.
INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
Lynne and Little Wendy are cooking Andy lunch. Lynne mashes
up strange unidentifiable plant products.
LITTLE WENDY
What is this stuff?
LYNNE
It's all macrobiotic. Millet,
burdock root, kelp... Andy says
it'll purify him.
Suddenly -- a SHARP VOICE.
TONY CLIFTON (O.S.)
What is that crap? Looks like
somethin' my dog would puke up!!
The women turn. It's Andy -- dressed as Tony Clifton.
A spooked moment.
Tony's wig, peach tux, and sunglasses are there... but Andy
is barely strong enough to bark out the attitude.
TONY CLIFTON
How 'bout me and you dolls go get
some REAL food: French fries and a
Porterhouse steak!
LYNNE
(not sure what to
say)
...Andy...?
Little Wendy's eyes pop: Oh no she broke the rule! Tony
gets very indignant.
TONY CLIFTON
I ain't Andy! I'm Tony! Andy's
sick -- pick, chick, kick, lick!
The doctor says he's a goner.
(rousing himself)
But Tony's built like a mule! Andy
asked me to be his pallbearer! I'll
do it for him! I'm getting stronger
and stronger! Here, watch this!
Tony picks up a CHAIR and starts lifting it: Up, down, up,
down. Worried, the women rush to stop him. They take the
chair.
LYNNE
Stop it! C'mon, put that down.
TONY CLIFTON
Yeah, you're right. We better get
movin'. We don't wanna miss Happy
Hour at Kelbos -- all the Mai Tai's
you can drink for $4.99.
Tony jauntily turns to exit. He gestures to the ladies.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
Let's go!
(he starts SINGING
"New York, New
York")
"These vagabond blues,
Are washin' away.
I'll make a brand new start of
it..."
Tony reaches the doorway -- and collapses.
He clutches himself in pain.
LYNNE AND LITTLE WENDY
Andy!!
Shocked, they run over.
Tony lies huddled on the ground. He mutters sadly,
defeatedly.
TONY CLIFTON
Dammit...
CUT TO:
EXT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - DUSK
The sun is setting, purple and orange over the hills. Andy
and George lie on chaise lounges, serenely staring out.
Andy has a blank look on his face, and has lost more weight.
He is a shadow of himself.
ANDY
I can't move my arm.
GEORGE
(awkwardly)
You've got good days and bad days.
Andy softly sighs.
ANDY
My hair is coming out.
GEORGE
(whispers)
Yeah...
George silently pats Andy. Andy's energy is sapped, but he
forces himself to be upbeat.
ANDY
I've got an idea for a new TV show
for me to star in. It's called
"Uncle Andy's Fun House" -- it'll be
a Saturday morning thing where I can
goof off with the kids. You know,
puppets, magic tricks...
George is choked up. He goes along with it.
GEORGE
(long pause)
I think we can sell that.
Silence.
George struggles not to shatter Andy's enthusiasm.
Andy smiles gratefully.
ANDY
Hey... thanks for always backin' me.
George clenches Andy's hand.
GEORGE
Did your -- doctor say it's okay for
you to go back to work?
ANDY
Ehhh, you know those guys. If he
had his way, I'd be stuck in the
hospital, running tests all day.
(beat)
And anyway, I've found a new guy
who's gonna be able to instantly
remove the cancer.
GEORGE
(startled)
Really?
ANDY
Yeah! He's a psychic surgeon in the
Philippines, and he's amazing! He
rubs you and sucks the disease right
out!
Andy beams. George stares sadly.
GEORGE
The Philippines? I dunno... Andy...
he sounds like one of your
characters.
TIGHT - ANDY
His voice gets hushed.
ANDY
No... this guy's special.
(very sincere)
He performs miracles.
George doesn't know how to respond.
Andy looks up pleadingly.
ANDY (cont'd)
He's my last chance.
CUT TO:
EXT. BAGUIO CITY, PHILIPPINES - DAY
Baguio, a tiny scratched-in-the-dirt Philippine city.
Suddenly, a rattletrap COMMUTER PLANE lurches out of the
sky. It hits a dirt runway. Dust flies. Chickens squawk
and run.
INT. BEAT UP TAXI, PHILIPPINES - DAY
Andy, Lynne, and Zmuda ride through the impoverished city.
Andy stares in amazement.
EXT. CLINIC, PHILIPPINES - DAY
They reach a brick building. A sign says "CLINIC," with an
eye over a triangle.
INT. CLINIC, PHILIPPINES - DAY
A NURSE hurriedly helps weakened Andy sign a bunch of forms.
Money is handed over.
Andy's clothes are stripped off. They're thrown in a
locker.
INT. CLINIC OPERATION ROOM, PHILIPPINES - DAY
A large white tiled room. Lynne and Zmuda roll in pallid
Andy, his limp body unmoving.
Andy looks up... and there's a LONG LINE OF SICKLY PEOPLE.
Primarily Japanese, emaciated, all stripped to their
underwear and barely able to stand.
They have a look of desperation and reverence.
At the head of the line is JUN ROXAS at his work station: A
bench, a sink, and ATTENDANTS with clean towels.
A SICKLY WOMAN crawls onto the bench. Jun impassively
presses his hand into the fatty flesh of her stomach,
kneading, searching. Pause, then he removes some BLOODY
GUTS.
He flings them into a bucket.
The woman cries out.
Andy gasps.
The woman is helped away.
Jun turns to wash his hands. An attendant gives him a towel
to dry with. Then a SICKLY MAN crawls up...
Andy rolls closer. He stares at all this with fear.
Nervousness. Hope.
Jun impassively presses his hand against the man's head. He
concentrates, searching... then pulls out some BLOODY GUTS.
He flings them into a bucket.
The man shakes. He is helped away.
Andy is wide-eyed. He gets closer... closer...
More patients. More bloody guts. More sobbing.
Andy's excitement builds.
Then -- he reaches the front.
A moment.
Lynne and Zmuda stare into Andy's eyes, drawn in by his
total belief. They are overcome. It feels like they're
saying goodbye. Lynne gives Andy a tender kiss. Zmuda
starts to shake his hand -- and instead hugs him tightly.
Andy smiles, then the attendants lift him from the
wheelchair. They help him up to the bench.
Andy lies down. Fluorescent lights buzz overhead.
He looks over, and Jun Roxas is washing his hands from the
previous patient.
Andy shivers, anticipating the miracle.
Jun turns. An attendant gives him a towel to dry off.
Andy relaxes, readying for it all...
He glances at Jun's hands. Jun hands back the towel -- and
under it the attendant quickly slips Jun a sack of animal
intestines.
Jun discreetly palms it. He's a fake.
CLOSEUP - ANDY
A moment of stunned disbelief.
He is shocked. Outraged. Disappointed. Flabbergasted.
The faith is meaningless. The joke is cosmic. The con man
has been conned.
Andy's overpowering emotions coalesce... and he starts to
LAUGH.
It's sidesplittingly funny. Andy LAUGHS, and LAUGHS, and
LAUGHS, like a crazy man with no salvation, the joy
releasing him, the tears rolling down his cheeks.
His face flushes with color. Life sparkles in his eyes.
Andy laughs and guffaws until he's hoarse. This is the best
gag of them all.
SLOW DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
Andy lies in peace in a casket. He has died.
His expression is pleasantly bland. Almost Latka-like. But
his face is caked with so much funeral-home makeup, it
almost looks like a mask.
We slowly widen. The casket is surrounded by beautiful
flowers. We TILT UP... and high above... is a MOVIE SCREEN.
On the SCREEN is a projection of Andy, silently staring at
us. There's a gentle smile on his face. It's the image
from the opening of this film.
ANDY'S POV: The chapel is filled with GRIEVING MOURNERS.
All are in black. Everyone's quiet, in a state of shock.
Andy's family is huddled.
Lynne sits alone in a pew, crying.
George gives Zmuda a hug. Little Wendy comes over... and
they comfort each other.
Everyone who ever knew Andy is there: Taxi cast, Fridays
cast, TM followers, hookers, Jerry Lawler, Ed Weinberger,
Maynard Smith, Budd Friedman, it goes on and on...
And -- they all have odd discombobulated expressions. They
stare up at the PROJECTED ANDY.
ANDY (ON FILM)
Well... My show is over. I did my
best, and I just want to say, until
we meet again... please remember:
(he begins to SING)
"In this friendly, friendly world...
With each day so full of joy.
Why should any heart be lonely."
Some gathered people tentatively join in the SINGING.
ANDY (ON FILM) (cont'd)
So everybody! Put your arm around
the person next to you, even if you
don't like that person. Come on!
(he resumes SINGING)
"The world is such a wonderful
place,
To wander through,
When you've got someone to love,
To wander along with you.
With the sky so full of stars,
And the river so full of songs,
Every heart should be so thankful,
Thankful for this friendly, friendly
world..."
The curtain behind the coffin OPENS and the casket with
Andy's body slowly slides into the DARKNESS.
The curtain closes. The FILM ENDS.
And all goes silent.
Some people cry. Some begin to leave. Most of them are
just staying, numbed.
George and Zmuda whisper.
GEORGE
It's a perfect Kaufman audience.
ZMUDA
Yeah. They don't know whether to be
sad, or angry.
The Taxi cast are flustered.
CAROL KANE
Why are people leaving? The
curtain's gonna open. Andy's gonna
come out... I know it!
TONY DANZA
Sure, the body was just made of
wax...!
(a very long beat)
Wasn't it......?
Silence. They look to the front.
The closed curtain wafts... then settles motionless.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. SUNSET BLVD./COMEDY STORE - NIGHT
A SUPER slowly appears: "EXACTLY ONE YEAR LATER"
On Sunset, TWO DUDES come riding along on skateboards.
Suddenly they reach -- INSANITY. Traffic on Sunset is
jammed. HONKING limousines jockey to squeeze by.
Confused, one Dude squints into the distance -- and his eyes
pop.
DUDE #2
Oh my GOD.
(stupefied)
That's the freakiest thing I've ever
seen!! Look!
He points. His friend turns -- and gasps.
AT THE COMEDY STORE - The marquee says "TONY CLIFTON: LIVE!"
DUDE #1
Man, we were right! He's not dead!
DUDE #2
He's just been lyin' low for a year!
WE GOTTA GO!
Hysterical, the guys race up to the club. But outside,
there's a CRAZED, PULSING MOB. People are screaming.
Police have barricades. Everybody cries to get in.
INT. COMEDY STORE - SAME TIME
It's packed. Every square inch is filled with glittery
Hollywood VIPs. People make chit-chat... but there is a
squeamish excitement in the air. A brooding unease. Nobody
knows what to expect.
Suddenly -- the lights go black. A BOOMING ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Ladies and Gentlemen! Please put
your hands together for... Tony
Clifton!
The THEME FROM 2001 starts playing. "DAAAAA, DAAAAA,
DAAAAA! DA-DAAAAA"!
A small SPOT appears -- on a peach tuxedo. The light grows
bigger, bigger... the tension magnifying... people
gasping... our view widening... until Tony Clifton is
revealed onstage!
It's an extraordinary theatrical moment -- without response.
The crowd has no idea what to do.
Tony smirks.
TONY CLIFTON
How ya doin'?
Dead silence.
Tony struts downstage. He waves to the crowd.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
How you doin' back there?!
(to the front rows)
How you doin' up here?!
Still no response. Until -- a lone reckless VOICE.
VOICE
Andy!
Whoa. The crowd rustles nervously.
Tony grimaces.
TONY CLIFTON
Don't know nothin' about no Andy.
Just some dead guy tryin' to ride my
coattails.
(to the BAND)
Let's HIT IT, boys! One, two, anda
one two three four!
The BAND kicks in with disco anthem "I WILL SURVIVE." Tony
starts SINGING the schmaltzy opening:
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
"First I was afraid
I was petrified.
Kept thinkin' I could never live
Without you at my side."
(he wipes away a
pretend tear)
"Were you the one that tried to
Hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and
Die...?"
We PAN the room full of enthralled spectators. At a front
table are George and Lynne.
Tony attacks the chorus.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
"Oh no not I!
I WILL SURVIVE!
As long as I know how to love,
I know I'll simply stay alive!"
In the crowd, we pass face after face -- smiling...
frowning... intrigued... confused... until we settle on a
man in the very last row.
Bob Zmuda.
Enjoying the show more than anyone.
TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)
"I've got all my life to live
I've got all my life to give.
I will survive..."
(he hits his big
finish)
"I -- WILL -- SURVIVE!!!"
The music CRESCENDOS, and the song ENDS.
Zmuda grins and APPLAUDS proudly.
FADE OUT.
THE END
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