OBSERVE AND REPORT
Written by
Jody Hill
FADE IN:
EXT. CAROLINA MALL - MORNING
ONE LONG TRACKING SHOT FROM THE BACK.
A PERVERT in a trench coat runs along the edge of the
mall. A group of OLD WOMEN is coming toward the MAIN
ENTRANCE. The Pervert opens his trench coat and flashes
the old women. They SCREAM!
The Pervert ducks behind the bushes and runs with the
skill of a Navy SEAL. A FAMILY is walking down the
sidewalk. The Pervert opens his trench coat and flashes
them.
The Pervert ducks behind a dumpster. He keeps running
and sees a car driving by. The Pervert flashes the CAR.
The Pervert takes a two-step run, sees ANOTHER LADY,
flashes her. He dives behind a car. Then pops up and
flashes ANOTHER GIRL.
It's an all-out Pervert assault!
The Pervert then runs across the parking lot, jumps a
fence, and darts from the property -- vanishing as
quickly as a Ninja who just perfectly executed an
assassination.
INT. MALL - BUSINESS OFFICES - DAY
MARK, the Mall Manager, walks by a group of women, who
were exposed to the Pervert. They crowd around and
complain loudly.
MARK
Ladies, please, we're doing
everything we can to handle the
situation. Nothing is more
important to us than the safety of
our shoppers. Now in the
meantime, feel free to check out
some of our wonderful back-to-
school sales. Excuse me for a
minute.
Mark walks down the hallway that houses all of the
business affair offices. He stops at the RECEPTIONIST'S
desk.
MARK
Have you seen Ronnie?
(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:
RECEPTIONIST
I haven't seen him all morning.
The Mall Manager quickly walks off. On the way, he
passes a JANITOR.
MARK
Ramon, have you seen Ronnie?
JANITOR
No, senor.
The Mall Manager keeps walking.
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY
The Mall Manager comes into the surveillance room. It's
a small office with monitors that show the different
security cameras around the mall. DENNIS, a Mall
Security guard with sunglasses who will not utter a word
ever, turns around in the chair.
MARK
Where is Ronnie?
Dennis shrugs.
CUT TO:
INT. GARAGE - DAY
Blackness. White shafts of light sporadically shoot
through the dark and we see IMAGES. A GIANT FLASHLIGHT
is inserted into a UTILITY BELT. MACE is inserted in the
other side. A WALKIE-TALKIE is turned on. A TASER is
sparked. MIRRORED SUNGLASSES are pushed over the nose.
A garage door raises and bright light spills in...
EXT. GARAGE - DAY
A garage door opens slowly and reveals a souped-up ORANGE
GOLF CART. There's a siren on top that spins around.
The man driving is RONNIE BARNHARDT (28), a stocky mall
security guard whose expression reads all business.
Ronnie pulls out of the garage...
SUPERIMPOSE: OBSERVE AND REPORT
3.
EXT. MALL - DAY
HEAVY METAL MUSIC. A group of anarchist SKATERS rages
through the mall parking lot tearing up everything they
see. A couple of them smoke cigarettes. One skater
grinds over a bench. One kid ollies onto the hood of a
car. Another slams into an old man and knocks him over.
Meanwhile, Ronnie sits in his golf cart -- waiting. He
looks eerily like Mel Gibson at the beginning of Mad Max.
The skaters ride past a set of construction cones. One
skater picks up the cone and tosses it across the parking
lot.
The skaters soar past Ronnie, who flips on the silent
orange siren and gives chase.
As the skaters ride through the parking lot, Ronnie pulls
up and drives alongside of them.
RONNIE
(cop authority voice)
Pull over to the sidewalk, NOW!
STEVIE, the leader of the skaters, yells back.
STEVIE
Fuck off, Ronnie, it's just a
parking lot.
RONNIE
Sir, pull over to the sidewalk,
NOW!
HECTOR, another skater, joins in.
HECTOR
Leave us alone.
STEVIE
Yeah, skating's not a crime, dick.
RONNIE
Skateboarding is not allowed on
mall premises. Pull over now!
STEVIE
We're not leaving.
HECTOR
Yeah, fuck you!
The skateboarders flip Ronnie off and push hard to get
away from him. Ronnie guns it and an all out chase
ensues.
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
Ronnie pulls up alongside of a SLOW SKATER. Ronnie side-
swipes the skater, forcing the skater to run into a trash
can and fall.
Ronnie catches up to ANOTHER SKATER. This time, Ronnie
tries to hit the skater on the side again, but he is too
fast. Ronnie swerves trying to get him, but he dodges
and ducks. Ronnie hits the brake. The skater thinks he
has escaped, but looks up and sees that a car is in his
way. The skater nails the car and is thrown over the
hood.
Ronnie is back in the chase and only Hector and Stevie
are left. Ronnie guns the golf cart and zooms up closely
behind the two kids.
Ronnie rams Hector over and over from behind. Hector
wobbles. Ronnie rams him again. Hector goes swerving
off and falls down hard.
Ronnie doesn't break his pace and guns it toward Stevie.
Stevie is good. He turns and rides through cars, ollies
over parking blocks, and through pedestrians. Ronnie
burns down the lane beside him.
Stevie looks behind and Ronnie is nowhere in sight. He's
in the clear.
Stevie turns back around and sees Ronnie, driving in
reverse straight towards him. Ronnie rams into the
skater and knocks the poor kid on his ass.
STEVIE
What the fuck are you doing?
RONNIE
I was driving in reverse and
trying to get you to flip into the
back seat.
STEVIE
What?
RONNIE
That way I could handcuff you
smoothly and take you in. You
know, never mind, just get in the
goddamn golf cart.
Stevie picks himself up slowly and hobbles toward the
golf cart.
5.
INT. MALL - SECURITY OFFICE - MORNING
Ronnie is in the room with the monitors. The skaters sit
across from him. There's a poster on the wall with the
security guard motto: OBSERVE AND REPORT.
Ronnie fiddles with his walkie-talkie.
RONNIE
It seems like we go through this
every day. What's it going to
take for you all to realize that I
won't tolerate this horseplay and
just do whatever you want to and
don't worry about the rules
attitude?
STEVIE
Ronnie, I hear what you're saying
and I just want you to know that
personally, it pains me to see you
all worked up and I just want you
to know that I'm really sorry
because you can't do shit and you
can take your little rules and
stick'em up your ass, you fuckin'
rent-a-cop.
The Skaters all start cracking up.
HECTOR
Yeah, suck my dick.
The Skaters start laughing louder.
RONNIE
That's funny, guys. I try to be a
mentor to the youth, but it seems
like you boys have gone straight
past boydom to the land of street-
hardened criminals. I'm left with
no choice. You call me rent-a-
cop, but I call myself the law's
right hand. I see the crime...
and I phone it in. And that's
what I'm getting ready to do right
now.
Ronnie picks up the walkie-talkie and turns it on. He
speaks into it.
RONNIE
(into walkie)
317, this is Ronnie Barnhardt over
at Carolina Mall. Come in, over.
(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED:
WALKIE VOICE (V.O.)
This is Officer Douglas, what do
you wish to report? Over.
RONNIE
(into walkie)
I've got a couple of trespassers
who have been found skateboarding
on mall property. Can you send a
black and white over to take these
boys into processing? Over.
Ronnie winks at the Skaters.
WALKIE VOICE (V.O.)
Uh... Yeah, Ronnie, we're kind of
busy today. I mean, we got like
three car accidents.
Ronnie picks up the walkie and whispers into it.
RONNIE
(into walkie)
What do you mean? I've got these
guys red-handed. I'm gonna need a
car over here pronto. I can't
hold them all day by myself.
Over.
WALKIE VOICE (V.O.)
Copy. Yeah, like I said, we're
awfully busy right now. I think
you should probably just make'em
promise not to do it again and
threaten to call their parents or
something. That'll get them.
Over.
The Skaters start laughing.
RONNIE
(into walkie)
Sir, I don't think you understand,
their parents don't care about
them. This is a 911 from one of
your soldiers. Officer needs
assistance! Over!
WALKIE VOICE (V.O.)
Yeah, it's not gonna happen...
The VOICE fades as Ronnie turns off the Walkie.
(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
So as you can see, the law is just
one little call away. But I'm
gonna choose not to use that
tactic today. I'm gonna do
something that I like to do from
time to time, and that's called
handle shit myself.
Ronnie takes his pad out of his pocket. He begins
writing.
RONNIE
While I won't have you arrested
today, I am going to suspend each
of you for one week. For those of
you who don't know how this works,
here it is. This is official
documentation. If you step foot
on mall property, it is considered
trespassing. At that point, I
call the police, they come down,
you go directly to jail.
Ronnie fills out the paperwork, sets the suspension notes
on the table. Stevie looks down at it. He picks it up,
reads it, balls it up, and throws it at Ronnie.
The Skaters start cracking up.
RONNIE
You accepted it originally, so it
still counts.
Ronnie sits there while the Skaters laugh.
INT. MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
Ronnie sits at a table with a Cinnabon in front of him.
Across the table sits NELL, a chubby but cute girl, who
wears a Cinnabon uniform. The couple holds hands and
they have their heads bowed.
NELL
Dear Lord, bless this food that we
eat and purify it with Your
salvation. Also, please keep
Ronnie safe as he works in Your
name to protect the customers and
employees and store owners of the
mall.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED:
NELL (CONT'D)
And please turn your wrath on any
sinners that try to hurt him and
make them pay by burning in the
eternal flames of hell. In
Christ's name we pray, amen.
RONNIE
Amen.
Ronnie begins devouring his Cinnabon.
NELL
So what's on the agenda for you
today?
RONNIE
You know, the usual. Spot crime
before it happens, perform random
acts of bravery, save people from
certain death, yada yada yada.
NELL
What's wrong, Ronnie?
RONNIE
Nothing, Nell.
NELL
Ronnie, I know that you really
want to be a Police Officer, but
you have to realize that things
work out the way they're meant to.
RONNIE
I know. I'm okay, Nell. Thanks,
but really, I mean, I'm on the
front lines right now. I'm livin'
it.
NELL
Your job is definitely more
exciting than mine.
RONNIE
Of course it is, but at least you
don't have to wrestle with the
demons at night. I better get
going.
NELL
I'll see you after work, sweetie.
Nell leans in to kiss Ronnie, but he pulls away.
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Not at work, Nell. We have to
keep up appearances, we talked
about this. And don't call me
sweetie.
NELL
I'm sorry. I'll see you after
work, Officer Barnhardt.
RONNIE
'Bye, Nell.
Ronnie stands up and walks off.
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie stands in the middle of the mall and supervises
the early morning MALL WALKERS as they stride around the
outer marked lane. It's all senior citizens.
RONNIE
Slow it down. Watch your speed
there. This ain't a race. Hey,
second time, slow it down.
Mark, the Mall Manager, walks up to Ronnie.
MARK
I've been looking all over for you.
RONNIE
I haven't been hiding, but some
things that I have to do are
better to keep hidden from you and
'official' eyes. Trust me, it's
best all around if there are no
bodies to clean up.
MARK
So you may or may not have heard,
but this morning, several women
were assaulted just outside the
front doors by a crazy Pervert.
RONNIE
For the love of God.
MARK
I know, it's horrible.
(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
You want me to phone this one in
to the police?
MARK
Not just yet. See if we call the
police, they'll be a big scandal
and something like that could kill
what little traffic we have at
this mall. What I need you to do
is watch out for this Pervert and
if you see him, try to stop him or
quietly phone it in so we can
handle this discreetly.
RONNIE
Hold on, Mark. Let me make sure I
understand you. You're telling me
to deny my primary objective of
Observing and Reporting crime and
at the same time, you're giving me
authorization to handle this case
on my own.
MARK
I'm just saying keep an eye out
and keep quiet.
RONNIE
So basically, I'm in charge of
this whole investigation.
MARK
There's no investigation.
RONNIE
Not yet. Okay, Mark, I'll do it,
but I'm gonna need a few things
first.
MARK
You can't carry a gun.
RONNIE
Well, I'm gonna need a new title.
Something to instill fear in the
criminal mind. How about Director
of Mall Intelligence?
MARK
Head of Mall Security.
RONNIE
That's perfect.
(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED:
MARK
And it doesn't come with a raise.
RONNIE
Got it.
MARK
And the new title stays between
us.
RONNIE
Understood. Thank you for this
opportunity, Mark. I won't let
you down.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAROLINA MALL - DAY
Ronnie stands in front of a Cadillac with a boot on one
of his tires.
A local news camera crew comes up to Ronnie and the
FEMALE REPORTER starts asking questions.
FEMALE REPORTER
Excuse me, sir, but we would like
to ask you a few questions.
RONNIE
I'm sorry, but I can't answer
anything.
FEMALE REPORTER
We heard a report that an
unidentified man was spotted
earlier today exposing himself to
several women. Do you care to
comment?
RONNIE
I'm not allowed to comment on that
situation.
FEMALE REPORTER
So you admit there is a situation.
RONNIE
I'm trained to resist torture for
up to 72 hours, you really expect
me to break now? Get real, lady.
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:
FEMALE REPORTER
(to her camera crew)
We're wasting our time here.
Let's go find some police to
interview.
RONNIE
Good luck.
FEMALE REPORTER
What's that supposed to mean?
RONNIE
It just means you won't find any
police.
FEMALE REPORTER
Are you telling me the police
haven't even been called!
RONNIE
(SARCASTIC)
Ewww, alert the media.
FEMALE REPORTER
Jesus, well who'd they leave in
charge, you?
Ronnie smiles like he knows a secret.
FEMALE REPORTER
Yeah, right. Why would they leave
you in charge?
RONNIE
First of all, if there was a
situation to be handled, I don't
see why you find it so goddamn
ridiculous that I would be in
charge.
The Reporter waves for her crew to start filming.
FEMALE REPORTER
(setting a trap)
Look, there is no way you're in
charge of this investigation.
RONNIE
Well for your information, I'm in
charge of this whole fucking
operation.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE (CONT'D)
I don't give a goddamn if you
believe me or not, Ms. Hot Fuckin'
SHIT news lady. I'm the first
line of defense against this
pervert. As the law's right hand,
I'm here so that people like you
can live in your own little happy
world and think places like this
mall are safe and fun. I'm the
defender of this war zone. Just
me and my goddamn flashlight.
Just then, SADDAMN, an angry Middle Easterner with
shitloads of cell phones and beepers strapped to him,
comes running up to Ronnie.
SADDAMN
You motherfucker, you put a boot
on my car!
RONNIE
(cop voice)
I warned you about parking in the
fire lane, Saddamn!
SADDAMN
Fuck you, Ronnie! Take that
goddamn boot off of my car.
RONNIE
(going into cop
VOICE)
Step away now!
SADDAMN
I pay good money to this mall.
Don't tell me where to park!
RONNIE
Sir, I will be forced to take
action if you do not step back!
SADDAMN
I'm gonna kill you!
Ronnie pulls out his taser and shoots Saddamn. Saddamn
goes down hard and begins twitching. He is fucking out
of it!
Ronnie goes back to giving the interview as if nothing
happened.
(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
As I was saying, the pervert
situation here is real bleak. For
all you people out there thinking
of coming to the mall, please for
your own safety, stay away.
SADDAMN
(still fucked up)
I can't believe you tased me.
RONNIE
(to the man)
That's right and I've got another
one waiting right here for you.
CUT TO:
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
BRANDI, the make-up counter girl, globs on tons of make-
up. She's a hot girl who looks like she's spent a few
sticky nights in the bed of a truck.
Ronnie stands back and watches Brandi. Finally, he walks
up to her.
RONNIE
Hey, Brandi.
Brandi looks up from her mirror and then goes back to
applying make-up.
RONNIE
That color looks great on your
skin. Not just that color, but
I've noticed that all make-up
looks really good on you.
Especially the blue around your
eyes. I bet it drives the men
crazy.
Brandi glares at Ronnie.
RONNIE
It's okay. I can say that because
I'm taken.
BRANDI
What do you want, Ronnie?
(CONTINUED)
15.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I'm here on official business.
See, I don't know if you know
this, but I have recently been
made Head of Mall Security. Did
you hear about that?
BRANDI
No.
RONNIE
Well, I'm sure you will. It's
actually pretty huge news. But
the reason I stopped by is to tell
you that it looks like we've got a
pervert on the loose. A real live
psychopath who gains sexual
gratification by exposing himself
to ladies such as yourself. I
just want to warn you to be
careful when coming and going to
work.
BRANDI
Okay, got it.
RONNIE
And you may not want to wear any
of those skirts that you like to
wear.
BRANDI
What skirts?
RONNIE
You know what skirts. Something
like that could set him off. And
for that matter, you better not
wear any of those little low-cut
top things either, okay?
Especially with those black bras
because, you can really see them
in the light. Perverts really
tend to notice stuff like that.
Okay, see you later.
Ronnie takes off and leaves Brandi still applying make-
up.
INT. MALL - NIGHT
The lights are turned off and the mall is empty. Ronnie
walks out with Dennis.
(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Dennis, man, I'm glad we've got a
minute to talk. There's no easy
way to say this so I'm just going
to come right out with it. Mark
offered me the position of Head of
Mall Security. I know this isn't
easy for you to hear seeing as
you've been here longer than me.
But I want you to know that you're
my best friend and I'm only going
to accept the job if you're okay
with that.
Dennis shrugs.
RONNIE
Well, you should know I've already
accepted and it's too late to turn
it down now. Every ship needs a
captain. So you were passed over.
Who gives a shit? Dennis, in
time, you'll come to accept
answering to me. Remember, there
aren't any leaders in friendship.
We cool?
Dennis and Ronnie shake hands. They walk out and lock
the doors behind them.
RONNIE
Hey, you want to go and grab a
beer or something?
Dennis doesn't say anything and just walks to his car.
Ronnie follows.
RONNIE
Yeah, you're right. You're
probably in no mood to party after
that news. Well, try not to take
it too hard. See you later,
buddy.
Ronnie leaves Dennis and walks to his car.
EXT. TRAILER - NIGHT
Ronnie's home is a shitty double-wide at the very end of
the shittiest trailer park in town.
17.
INT. RONNIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ronnie lives in a boy's room. There's all kind of
posters up with instructions on how to execute choke
holds, wrist locks, and other assorted death blows.
However, the biggest decoration is a large diagram of the
mall.
Ronnie stands in the middle of his room with his MOM
across from him. She's an old, thick boozer, with the
strength of a father and the love of a mother. She downs
a full beer and throws it against the wall.
MOM
You think you're ready for a shot
at the title, motherfucker?!
RONNIE
I'm ready, Mom.
MOM
Ding ding.
Ronnie and his Mom take to fighting. Ronnie's Mom is
surprisingly good and she lands the first blows to
Ronnie's cranium.
RONNIE
Ow!
MOM
What's wrong, baby? Is your pussy
hurting?
RONNIE
Fuck you!
Ronnie attacks his Mom. He manages to scoop her and body
slam her to the ground. Ronnie's Mom flips out of it on
the ground. However, Ronnie holds onto her wrist and
stands up, thus locking in the submission hold.
MOM
Ah!
RONNIE
You give?
MOM
Fuck you!
Ronnie flips the wrist lock tighter!
MOM
Ow!
(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
You move with me, you go down.
You move against me and your arm
breaks.
MOM
I give!
RONNIE
What's that?
MOM
I give! Let me go, goddamn it.
Ronnie lets his Mom go. She shakes off the pain.
MOM
I can't believe you got that lucky
shit on me.
RONNIE
Luck has nothing to do with it.
MOM
You almost broke my arm.
RONNIE
I'm sorry, Mom. Are you okay?
MOM
Not really.
Ronnie's Mom rubs her arm. Ronnie drops his guard and
comes over to tend to his Mom's wounds. However, she's
only playing possum. Ronnie's Mom sees an opening and
attacks Ronnie at his legs. Ronnie goes down and the two
start wrestling again.
(NOTE: This plays as realistic as possible, no phony
punches or smooth/comedy fighting, it looks like a school
yard fight video. Sloppy and real.)
CUT TO:
INT. RONNIE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Ronnie is laying in bed while his Mom chugs another beer
beside him. She's one-eye-closed punch-me-in-the-face
drunk. They're watching Ronnie on the news from earlier.
EDITED LOCAL NEWS SEGMENT:
Ronnie talks into microphone.
(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE (V.O.)
Yeah, well for your information,
I'm in charge of this whole BEEP
operation. I don't give a BEEP if
you believe me or not, Ms. Hot
BEEP BEEP news lady. Do you see
anybody else? BEEP no you don't.
As the law's right hand, I'm the
first line of defense against this
pervert. I'm here so that people
like you can live in your own
little happy world and think
places like this mall are safe and
fun. I'm the defender of this war
zone. Just me and my BEEP
flashlight.
The FEMALE REPORTER addresses the camera over FOOTAGE OF
RONNIE TASING SADDAMN.
FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.)
No comment as to why steps are not
being taken, but this Security
Guard feels like he is the only
one doing anything to protect the
people who visit Carolina Mall
from the suspect. For all of us,
I hope this isn't the case. Back
to you, Lindsay.
Ronnie turns off the television.
MOM
(drunken slur)
I'm so proud of you, Ronnie.
RONNIE
Do you think I did good?
MOM
Hell yes. You were great.
RONNIE
Ah, you're just drunk.
MOM
Nah, you did good.
RONNIE
Yeah, I usually don't come out to
the forefront like that.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE (CONT'D)
My official orders are Observe and
Report, but when Mark put me in
charge of mall security, something
inside of me changed. It's what
I've always wanted. Things
haven't always worked out, with
the whole... well, you know. But
this gives me faith that I can do
something great. This is my call
to duty and I'm going to answer.
I'm going to bust this fucking
pervert. I swear it on everything
I am. Anyway, I better get to
sleep. I got a big day tomorrow.
Good night, Mom.
(off no answer)
Mom?
On cue, Ronnie's Mom falls over in a drunken sleep. She
starts SNORING loud as hell. Ronnie gets out of the
covers and helps his Mom onto the bed. Ronnie tucks her
in like a loving son. He pries the bottle from her
fingers. Then, he grabs a pillow and goes to sleep on
the floor.
INT. MALL - O'CHARLEY'S - DAY
Ronnie walks up to O'Charley's. It's the one-step-up
restaurant that's in the mall. There's a BOUNCER out
front who watches over the store.
RONNIE
You working the door here?
BOUNCER
That's what they tell me. They
needed to hire a little security
here in case the drunks get out of
line or whatever.
RONNIE
Kind of funny they thought they
needed more security here. Ha.
You do realize that if anyone gets
out of hand, you need to call me
to handle the situation.
BOUNCER
I work for O'Charley's, not for
the mall.
(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Granted, but you realize that my
jurisdiction supersedes any and
all other forms of security when
under the roof of Carolina Mall?
BOUNCER
You know, I thought about getting
a job as a Mall Security.
RONNIE
You did?
BOUNCER
Yeah, man. I mean, I'm kind of on
extended vacation from college and
it's just like, I don't want to do
shit, you know what I mean? My
parents said I have to work if I
want to live at home, but I just
don't feel like doing anything.
This was the easiest job I could
find, I mean, what the hell could
be hard about being a bouncer in a
mall restaurant? But now that I
think about it, Mall Security
could be easier than this.
RONNIE
My young friend, you are sorely
mistaken. Do you know how much
stuff I'm in charge of?
BOUNCER
No.
RONNIE
A shitload. That's not even
counting the parking lot.
BOUNCER
Really? I thought you just kind
of chilled out and called stuff
into the police.
RONNIE
No way, that's about like 75,
maybe 82 percent of it. There's
so much other stuff.
BOUNCER
Like what?
(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Two words, Friday Night.
BOUNCER
What about it?
RONNIE
It's crazy, let's just leave it at
that.
BOUNCER
Okay.
RONNIE
Listen. I like you, but I don't
like the fact that you're
masquerading as an official in the
security world. If you're serious
about a career in the security
world, then perhaps I could look
into getting you a job on my
staff?
BOUNCER
Oh yeah?
RONNIE
Part of my job is reaching out to
troubled youths such as yourself.
It's who I am.
BOUNCER
Does it pay more than $6.50 an
hour?
Ronnie laughs. He leans over to the Bouncer and whispers
in his ear.
BOUNCER
(WHISPERING)
Seven even.
Ronnie stands back and winks at the Bouncer.
BOUNCER
I'd say that's more than I'm
making now.
RONNIE
Hold on, this job involves a
probationary period. You have to
prove yourself worthy. We can't
just hire any old Tom, Dick, or
Harry just because they want to
carry a flashlight.
(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED:
BOUNCER
What do I have to do?
RONNIE
You have to complete a term as
deputy. You will answer directly
to me. Your job will be to come
and find me if you see any
trouble. If this works out, then
I will phone the crime into the
police. Now, this will train your
eyes to spot various criminal
activity. Once you have completed
your training, you will be awarded
an official position on my
security staff where you will have
the duty of actually phoning in
crimes to the police yourself.
BOUNCER
So basically, I just do what I'm
doing now and then you'll get me a
job?
RONNIE
For starters.
BOUNCER
How long does this mentorship
last?
RONNIE
Until Mark lets me hire another
guy.
BOUNCER
Can I smoke while I work?
RONNIE
Yes, you can.
BOUNCER
Sign me up.
RONNIE
You keep that attitude up and
you'll have no problem making the
squad.
Ronnie reaches into his pocket and hands the Bouncer a
mini flashlight.
BOUNCER
What's this?
(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
It's a flashlight. Get to know
it. It's your new best friend.
Until you get your giant
flashlight. Then, that will be
your new best friend.
The Bouncer takes it and puts it into his shirt pocket.
RONNIE
Okay, look alive, soldier. Deputy
time starts now. No more slacker
attitude for you.
Ronnie walks away, but after he takes a few steps, he
stops and turns.
RONNIE
You know, I remember when I got my
first flashlight...
Ronnie goes into an emotional memory in his mind.
Ronnie walks away leaving the Bouncer there alone.
EXT. MALL - DAY
LOUD ROCK SCORE FADES TO LOUD ROCK SOURCE. A tricked-out
Toyota pulls up to the parking lot. The car comes to a
stop and out steps Brandi, the makeup counter girl.
Brandi walks toward the mall to start her new day. As
she crosses the parking lot and heads toward the door,
the Pervert pops out. This time, he's upped his attack
and beats off staring right at her.
The horrendous sight stops Brandi dead in her tracks.
She SCREAMS bloody murder...
CUT TO:
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
It looks like a RAPE SCENE. Brandi cries in the makeup
chair and is surrounded by a large group of mall
employees. Her makeup runs down her face as her
effeminate coworker BRUCE consoles her. Mark is working
crowd control.
(CONTINUED)
25.
CONTINUED:
MARK
(to the crowd)
Alright, people, she's doing good.
We're just gonna get her down to
my office and everything's going
to be fine, so the best thing for
you employees to do is just get on
back to your stations and you
customers can go ahead and enjoy
the back to school savings here at
Carolina Mall.
BRANDI
It was horrible! Oh, my God, the
thought of that disgusting -- I
think I'm going to be sick.
BRUCE
Just let it out, baby. He should
be ashamed!
BRANDI
I just keep playing it over and
over again in my head.
MARK
Brandi, please, Dennis has called
the police and let's just take
this down to my office.
The DEPARTMENT STORE MANAGER comes running over.
DEPARTMENT STORE MANAGER
What's going on?
BRUCE
A Pervert attacked Brandi is
what's going on!
DEPARTMENT STORE MANAGER
Are you okay, Brandi?
BRANDI
Physically, yes. But
psychologically, no!
Brandi starts crying hard. The Department Store Manager
pulls Mark aside.
DEPARTMENT STORE MANAGER
(WHISPERING)
Did you call the cops?
(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED:
MARK
They're on the way.
Brandi starts crying even louder.
DEPARTMENT STORE MANAGER
Yeah, we got to get her the fuck
out of here. Everybody's standing
around and nobody's shopping.
This is bad for business.
MARK
I'm trying, but she just keeps
crying.
Ronnie comes running up on the scene. He looks like a
man who ran a mile to get here.
RONNIE
Brandi! I came as soon as I
heard. Jesus, are you alright?
BRANDI
I'm fine, Ronnie.
MARK
She's fine, Ronnie.
RONNIE
This is one of the most heinous
things I've seen. Jesus, I tried
to tell you about the skirts.
It's not your fault, you little
fighter you. Ronnie's not mad,
okay?
MARK
Ronnie, can you get her down to my
office so the Police can talk to
her in private when they arrive.
RONNIE
Rogers.
BRANDI
I can't walk right now. I feel
like I'm in shock.
RONNIE
Don't worry. I'll carry you.
Ronnie reaches down and picks up Brandi. She totally
lets him. Ronnie struggles and can't lift her. It looks
dumb.
(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED:
MARK
Oh, fucking Jesus.
Ronnie finally manages to lift Brandi. He carries her
out of the Department Store and down through the middle
of the mall.
EXT. MALL - DAY
A black UNMARKED POLICE CAR pulls up quickly and stops
directly in front of the Main Entrance to the mall as if
to say to the world, "I'm a Cop and I can do this."
Out steps DETECTIVE HARRISON, a young cop that has the
arrogance and swagger of a man who is just beginning to
feel his power.
INT. MALL MANAGER'S OFFICE - DAY
Mark sits at his desk, while Ronnie comforts a crying
Brandi. Dennis stands in the corner, not saying a word.
Detective Harrison knocks as he comes in the door.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Your secretary told me to come on
in. I'm Detective Harrison,
Cabarrus County Police.
Detective Harrison shows his badge to Mark. The two men
shake.
MARK
Mark Talbert, I manage the mall.
This is Brandi, she's the one who
saw the deviant.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Hello, Brandi. Are you doing
okay?
BRANDI
I'm really shaken up.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Yes, ma'am, I'm sure you are after
all you've been through, but I'm
here to tell you that we're going
to work together to make sure we
catch the person who did this.
(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
My name is Ronnie Barnhardt, chief
inspector on the case and head of
Mall Security here at Carolina
Mall and this is my lieutenant,
Dennis. From one law enforcement
officer to another, I just want to
welcome you and say that we will
do whatever it takes to coordinate
with your department in order to
bring this assailant to justice.
The Detective pauses as if he's unsure what just
happened.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Great.
(back to Brandi)
Okay, Brandi. Did you get a look
at the suspect?
BRANDI
Yes, I did.
RONNIE
Did you get a blood sample?
BRANDI
No.
RONNIE
That's a shame. Would have been
useful.
MARK
Go ahead, Detective.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Thank you. Brandi, can you
remember anything specifically?
What color was his hair? Was he
tall or short?
BRANDI
He was tall and skinny and he had
brown hair and it was real greasy.
Detective Harrison begins writing in his note pad as
Brandi speaks. Ronnie notices this and picks up some
paper and begins to write as well.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Was his hair long or short?
(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED:
BRANDI
It was long about to his
shoulders.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Did he say anything?
BRANDI
No, he just stood there and you
know, touched himself.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
What was he wearing?
BRANDI
Just a brown trench coat.
RONNIE
This is what I got so far.
Ronnie holds up his paper. Ronnie has drawn a crude
sketch of the Pervert that Brandi described, but it's
basically a long-haired stick figure with a penis.
RONNIE
What's yours look like?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I just wrote a description.
RONNIE
Oh.
Ronnie puts his sketch away.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Okay, Brandi, I think that's good
for now. I think the best thing
at this point is to just follow up
with the other ladies who saw the
perpetrator yesterday and see if
they remember anything.
BRANDI
What if he comes back?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That's highly unlikely. These
incidents are usually random and
unpredictable. I'm sure you'll be
safe.
(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I'm afraid I'm going to have to
disagree with you there,
Detective. By my math, it seems
pretty clear that Brandi's been
targeted.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Targeted? What gives you that
impression?
RONNIE
Well, how about the fact that she
was the first employee to get
assaulted? Not to mention the
fact that she is the prettiest
girl who works at this mall. To
me it seems obvious that this is
some sort of methodical villain
that plans on returning to finish
what he started by murdering
Brandi.
BRANDI
Is that going to happen?!
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That's not going to happen.
Ronnie looks at Brandi and nods his head "yes."
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Well don't worry. I'm on the case
and I'm going to do everything in
my power to bring this guy down.
RONNIE
That's right, Brandi, you've got
the best team in law enforcement
working for you.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Look, I've got to get going.
Here's my card. I'll even write
my home phone number on the back,
just in the event you need to get
a hold of me.
Detective Harrison writes his number on the back and then
hands his card to Brandi.
(CONTINUED)
31.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Give me a call when you aren't
working and I'll have you come to
the station to look through some
mug shots.
(touches her leg)
Don't worry okay.
BRANDI
I feel a lot better now.
Ronnie holds out his hand.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
What?
RONNIE
I'll take one of those cards as
well.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Oh, okay.
Detective Harrison reluctantly hands Ronnie a card.
RONNIE
Go ahead and write your home phone
on there as well in case I need to
get a hold of you.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
You can just leave a message at
the station. I check my messages
constantly.
RONNIE
Sorry, but I'm gonna need those
digits. If we're gonna solve this
crime we need to constantly be in
communication with each other and
have an open door policy with
intelligence. Brandi, let me see
that card.
Ronnie takes the car from Brandi and copies the home
phone number from the back.
RONNIE
Cool, I'll call you later with an
update.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Don't do that.
(CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
It's no problem at all. We're
brothers of the badge. This is
what we do for each other.
Detective Harrison takes off. Ronnie looks around
happily.
RONNIE
Seems like a good guy. A little
green, but still solid.
INT. MALL - NIGHT
The mall is winding down for the day and most of the
customers have gone home. Ronnie walks through the mall,
taping up pictures of the sketch he made of the Pervert.
Nell comes walking up with her apron over her shoulder.
NELL
What are you doing?
RONNIE
Just putting these posters up.
NELL
You've been so obsessed with
catching this pervert I've barely
seen you.
RONNIE
That's what it's like when you
date the Head of Mall Security.
The downside is we don't get to
see each other as much, but the
upside is you get to brag to all
your friends.
NELL
Well, are you ready to go?
RONNIE
Sure, let's take off.
INT. RONNIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The LOCAL NEWS is on and they show an update on the MALL
FLASHER STORY. The sound is OFF.
(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED:
The living room is dark. Ronnie and Nell are on the
couch making out. Ronnie is starting to get frisky. His
hands go to Nell's boobs, but only outside of the shirt.
She allows it.
Ronnie decides to push it. He takes his hand and tries
to go up her shirt. Nell immediately stops kissing and
pushes Ronnie away.
NELL
What are you doing, Ronnie?
RONNIE
Come on, let me get some of those
big bazoombas.
Ronnie goes in hard for the tits, but Nell pushes him
away.
NELL
Ronnie, no.
RONNIE
Goddamn it, are we ever gonna do
it?
NELL
You know we talked about this.
RONNIE
We did, it's just, well, I'm tired
of just doing what we do. I'm
ready for something bigger. Like
sex or just maybe using a finger
on you --
NELL
Ronnie, you know I'm saving myself
for marriage. I thought you were
okay with that.
RONNIE
Well, I used to be, it's just. I
don't know. What's so great about
being a 27-year-old virgin?
Nell stands up and starts to put on her coat. Ronnie
stands up and tries to comfort her.
RONNIE
Nell, I'm sorry. Don't go away
like this.
(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:
NELL
I thought you loved my purity.
RONNIE
I do. I really do. I'm sorry,
Nell.
NELL
It's okay. I should leave anyway,
it's late.
RONNIE
I'll stop by for breakfast
tomorrow.
NELL
See ya tomorrow.
Nell leaves and Ronnie closes the door behind her.
RONNIE
Mom, wake up. Let's go to bed.
Ronnie's mom groans. She has been passed out on the
floor with an empty bottle of Jack D beside her the whole
time.
INT. MALL - NIGHT
The lights are off and a gloved hand breaks into a case
in the jewelry store. All of the diamonds and gold are
picked up and pocketed. Someone is robbing this bitch.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - THE NEXT MORNING
Ronnie strolls through the mall sipping on his morning
coffee. He stops when he sees that the jewelry store has
been broken into and robbed.
RONNIE
Oh shit.
Ronnie goes running down through the mall.
INT. MALL - SECURITY OFFICE - MORNING
Dennis and Ronnie are sitting and Mark stands over them.
They're looking at the security tapes.
(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:
Detective Harrison knocks on the door and walks in.
Ronnie stands up to greet him.
RONNIE
Good to see you, brother. Looks
like the old team is getting
together to crack one more case.
Ronnie gives Detective Harrison a hug.
RONNIE
I'm ready to go to war with you.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Thanks for waking me up this
morning, Ronnie.
RONNIE
I've already checked the Security
tapes. They didn't catch a thing.
Someone must have broken in here
and turned them off.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
My team just checked all the doors
and there are no signs of forced
entry. I've also checked out the
crime scene, but we didn't see any
fingerprints on the glass. The
suspect was probably wearing
gloves.
MARK
That doesn't sound good. How did
they do it?
RONNIE
Laser technology.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
My guess it was an inside job.
Probably someone who has access to
keys like a janitor or a security
guard.
RONNIE
Detective Harrison, can I ask you
how long you've been a detective
for?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I'm almost at the end of my first
year.
(CONTINUED)
36.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Just as I thought, a rookie.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I've been a police officer for
several years.
RONNIE
Yeah, you're a rookie, okay. It's
fine, you'll learn with
experience. And when you do,
you'll discover that rule #1 of
law enforcement is that you don't
ever turn on a fellow officer.
Now, I know you would never
actually accuse somebody on my
Security Force of committing this
act of lawlessness.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Whoever did this would have to had
keys to the Security Room so they
could shut off the camera.
RONNIE
Look, my record speaks for itself
and as for Dennis, well I can
certainly vouch for him. Dennis
is one of the finest men I know,
so just take my word, you're
barking up the wrong tree. Now,
let's put this little squabble
behind us and get back to busting
the guys that robbed this mall.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, nobody is accusing
anybody, but I would like to stick
around for a while and interview
some of the employees.
MARK
Okay, but all I ask is that you do
it quietly, so that the hoopla is
kept to a minimum.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I understand.
RONNIE
I understand too, sir.
(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED:
MARK
Ronnie, you are to leave Detective
Harrison alone and let him handle
the investigation.
RONNIE
No can do, Mark. When you
appointed me Head of Mall
Security, I swore an oath to
protect this mall and aid in
bringing crime to its knees.
MARK
You didn't swear an oath.
RONNIE
To myself I did.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, on these types of
investigations, it's usually not a
good idea to have too many cooks
in the kitchen.
RONNIE
There's only one cook. I'm a
chef. A cook and chef, together,
serving up justice.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I'm gonna do this alone.
RONNIE
Hot plates of justice.
Ronnie stands up.
RONNIE
Come on, rookie. Let me show you
the lay of the land.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie talks to Dennis in the middle of the mall.
RONNIE
Okay, Dennis. I've gotta hang
with Detective Harrison.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE (CONT'D)
What I need for you to understand
is that just because Detective
Harrison is here, doesn't mean
that you and me are no longer best
friends. Sure, Harrison would be
cool to hang out with. He carries
a badge and a gun. He probably
owns a boat. Over time, we'll
probably become really close like
brothers, but for right now,
you're still number one. Now, I
must leave you behind because duty
calls, so... chin up. Radio if
you need anything.
Ronnie takes off, but we STAY WITH Dennis. He walks
directly to the ARCADE. Dennis puts a quarter in the
machine and plays pinball.
INT. MALL - KIOSK - DAY
Ronnie watches from afar as Detective Harrison interviews
SADDAMN, who stands in front of his cell phone kiosk.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
So, have you seen any suspicious
people hanging around the mall?
Anybody who might have been casing
the stores?
SADDAMN
Nah, man. I ain't seen nothing.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Okay, well if you can think of
anything, here's my card.
Detective Harrison hands Saddamn his card and begins to
leave. Disgusted, Ronnie comes walking up.
RONNIE
(to Harrison)
My turn, Rookie.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
What are you doing, Ronnie?
RONNIE
Solving the whole case right
before your eyes.
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, this is official police
business.
RONNIE
Hello, Saddamn.
SADDAMN
What the fuck you want, Ronnie?
RONNIE
I want your ass to face the music
is what I want.
SADDAMN
Don't come any further, bitch.
The restraining order says 20 feet
so just back the fuck up.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, I appreciate your
enthusiasm, but just let me handle
this.
(to Saddamn)
Have a good day, sir.
RONNIE
So you're just gonna let him slip
right through your fingers?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I have no reason to make him a
suspect.
RONNIE
No reason? Look at him. There's
every reason in the goddamn book.
SADDAMN
Why are you saying that, man?
RONNIE
I think it's obvious, Saddamn.
SADDAMN
That's fucked up. You're racist,
man.
RONNIE
You're not even black.
(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, stop. We're finished
here. Now if you're going to tag
along, I'm gonna need you to just
stay back; are we clear?
RONNIE
Sure, sorry. We're crystal.
Detective Harrison walks away. Ronnie follows, but takes
one more look at Saddamn, who flips Ronnie off.
Saddamn goes back to hollering at girls.
SADDAMN
What's up, girl, you got a
boyfriend? Free cell phones with
a month trial and I throw in my
phone number for free.
INT. MALL - JANITOR'S ROOM - DAY
Ronnie stands nearby as Detective Harrison questions an
old Mexican JANITOR, who stands by his cart of cleaning
products.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Did you let anybody borrow your
keys?
JANITOR
No, senor.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Have you seen anything suspicious?
JANITOR
No, senor.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Okay, sir. Thank you for your
time.
RONNIE
Alright, I believe I can be of
some assistance here.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, we talked about this.
RONNIE
This is a special circumstance.
(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
What special circumstance?
RONNIE
Communication skills, watch and
learn.
Ronnie steps into the forefront.
RONNIE
Que pasa?
JANITOR
Long drawn out conversation in
Spanish?
RONNIE
Como?
JANITOR
More Spanish dialogue.
RONNIE
Si.
(to Harrison)
Yeah, this guy definitely did it.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
What did he say?
RONNIE
I don't know, I don't speak
Spanish, but judging from his
tonal inflections, it's safe to
say that he's hiding something.
The only question is where.
(to Janitor)
Okay, Ramon, I'm giving you one
chance and one chance only to come
clean. Or else Detective Harrison
is going to come over to your
house and deport your whole family
back to Mexico.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
No, I'm not.
RONNIE
Good cop, bad cop, just play
along.
(to Ramon)
Where are you hiding the jewels?
(CONTINUED)
42.
CONTINUED:
JANITOR
No se.
RONNIE
Alright, you're gonna make me be
the bad guy here? Well, that's a
role I'm comfortable playing.
Let's just see what you're hiding.
Ronnie digs through the trash bin that is on the cart.
Ronnie slings trash out all over the floor. He finds
nothing.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, that's enough.
RONNIE
Think you're pretty slick, don't
you? Guess what? I'm pretty
slick too.
Ronnie takes the cleaning products and opens the bottles.
He pours the contents out on the floor. What's he
looking for? Who knows.
RONNIE
Alright, you're free -- Wait a
minute.
Ronnie takes the mop and breaks it in half with his foot.
He takes the halves and shakes them, thinking that
something will come pouring out of the open cylinders.
Nothing does.
RONNIE
Okay, my mistake. Sir, you're
free to go. Uh, you might want to
have someone clean this up which
in this case is you, so, uh, chop-
chop. Wouldn't want anyone to
slip on this mess.
Ronnie leaves the Janitor with a bewildered look.
INT. MALL - VICTORIA SECRETS - DAY
Ronnie follows Detective Harrison into the lingerie
store. They approach the counter where a HOT CLERK is
working the register.
HOT CLERK
Hello, can I help you?
(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I'm Detective Harrison with the
Cabarrus County Police.
RONNIE
And I'm Ronnie Barnhardt, head of
Mall Security.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Okay, seriously, would you back
the fuck off?! I'm trying to do
my job and you're fucking it up.
RONNIE
Come on, we're working here.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I'm working!
Detective Harrison is seriously annoyed.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
(back to the Clerk)
Sorry. Hi. I'm doing a check
with all the mall employees to see
if anybody has any information on
the robbery that took place here
last night?
HOT CLERK
I'm sorry, but I haven't noticed
anything out of ordinary.
A SEXY WORKER comes up to them holding a scandalous pair
of undies.
SEXY WORKER
Tracy, do you think my boyfriend
would like these?
The Sexy Worker holds the undies up to her crotch.
Ronnie looks and his tongue almost drops out of his
mouth. He straightens himself out.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That's fine, thanks for the help.
RONNIE
You're gonna let them distract you
with a little bit of panty
showing. You have got a lot to
learn, my friend.
(to the Hot Clerk)
Who are you protecting, toots?
(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED:
HOT CLERK
What are you talking about?
RONNIE
Look, I'm sure you and your little
friend have made a real lifestyle
for yourselves here. It's
probably easy for you to blind
most men with your beauty, but I'm
not most men. I can see through
the sexuality to the truth.
Jewelry, gold, diamonds, you don't
really expect me to think that a
man wants that crap. I'm putting
you on my list of top suspects. I
don't think you did the crime, but
I do think you are an accomplice.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I'm sorry, ma'am. He's not with
me. Here's my card. If you think
of anything, just give me a call.
Detective Harrison walks out and Ronnie follows him. On
the way out of the store, Ronnie passes a MAN who is
looking at the underwear. Ronnie stops.
RONNIE
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ronnie gives him a warning look, then walks out.
INT. MALL - HOT TOPIC - DAY
Ronnie and Detective Harrison stand across the counter
from a tattooed SALESMAN.
RONNIE
Is that pot I smell?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Shut up, Ronnie!
SALESMAN
It's sage.
RONNIE
Whatever, hippy. If I find you
doing drugs or killing cats or
whatever you devil worshippers do,
I'll come back here and bust you.
I swear to God.
(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Get the hell out, Ronnie. I'm
here to ask questions about the
robbery.
RONNIE
Just forget that, we're on to
something bigger here.
(back to the
SALESMAN)
Tell me more about this 'sage.'
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - SEARS - DAY
Ronnie and Detective Harrison are in the hardware
department talking to the SEARS MANAGER. Detective
Harrison sits on the ground. He has completely given up
on the investigation at this point, as Ronnie controls it
all.
Ronnie picks up a hammer.
RONNIE
Now, maybe I'm crazy or maybe I'm
the smartest man alive, but it
seems kind of convenient to me
that you sell hammers like this
one that could easily be used to
smash a glass case in, oh say, a
jewelry store.
SEARS MANAGER
Couldn't you smash the glass with
anything?
RONNIE
You really think you're gonna talk
your way out of this one?
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
Ronnie is hanging out with Dennis and the Bouncer from
O'Charley's. Behind him, Nell works the counter at
Cinnabon.
(CONTINUED)
46.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
You guys should have been there
today. We were just solving shit
left and right. I mean, that's
what this job is supposed to be
like. Busting loiterers and kids
who steal pennies from the
fountain has its rewards, but
really getting in there and
closing cases is where it's at.
It's rewarding too because at the
end of the day, you know you've
done something good for the world.
BOUNCER
What are we doing here, Ronnie? I
thought you said they were giving
away free Chick-fil-A sandwiches.
RONNIE
Well -- What is your name anyway?
BOUNCER
Charles.
RONNIE
Well, my young apprentice. I
called you here today because as
Head of Mall Security, I have
decided that it's time to take
protection to the next level. In
other words, I alone cannot combat
this recent crime wave. In order
to help me in my personal journey,
I have decided to divide up the
tasks between my soldiers. So,
for now on, Dennis, my right-hand
man, you will be in charge of
solving the case of who is robbing
the mall. Little Chucky, you will
be on the case of the Pervert.
You are both to collect data and
provide it to me. I will analyze
the data, draw conclusions, and
solve these crimes as well as
coordinate and strategize with
various law enforcement agencies.
BOUNCER
Since we're going to be doing a
lot of the work and you're going
to be solving the crimes, do we at
least get paid?
(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
You can't measure honor in dollars
and cents.
Ronnie looks over at the Cinnabon and Nell waves to him.
Ronnie smiles back and waves at Nell.
BOUNCER
Is that your girlfriend or
something, Ronnie?
RONNIE
Who me? Nah, man. Why? What do
you think of her?
BOUNCER
She's not my type, but that's just
me.
RONNIE
Yeah, but, you don't think she's
kind of hot?
BOUNCER
Are you blind? Give me a break.
Wait, are you sure she's not your
girlfriend?
RONNIE
Fuck no. There's no way I'd date
that... person who's obviously not
hot.
Nell waves again, but Ronnie just kind of turns away,
ignoring her.
RONNIE
Anyway, our new unit will operate
under the name, 'Special Elite
Task Force.' You will answer
directly to me and no one else.
Now, let's all put our hands in
the middle and do a unifying
cheer.
Ronnie puts his hand out. Dennis puts his in as well.
Charles isn't sure.
BOUNCER
You're gonna hook me up with a
job, right?
RONNIE
Seven even. I promise.
(CONTINUED)
48.
CONTINUED:
Charles puts his hand in as well.
RONNIE
One, two, three, TASK FORCE!
Ronnie is the only one who gets into it. It's a weak-ass
cheer.
RONNIE
Okay, so now I say we all take a
celebratory trip to Sears because,
as we all know, today is half-
price day on all automotive parts
for mall employees.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - DAY
SLOW MOTION BAD-ASS SHOT.
The "Elite Task Force" walks down the mall as if they
were the baddest ass-kicking team on the planet. They
walk united and unopposed.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - NIGHT
Ronnie tacks up pictures of all of the robbery "suspects"
on a bulletin board. It's pictures of Saddamn and the
Devil Worshipper guy. Beside him is a sketch of the
Pervert. The images are on the bottom points of a
Pyramid.
On top of the Pyramid is a combination drawing/picture of
Ronnie. The body is drawn with his arms folded across
his chest and a photo of his face is tacked on top. The
whole thing adds up to nonsense, with the only clear idea
is that he defeats them all. Ronnie sits back in his
chair and stares at the board.
All of a sudden, there is a KNOCK at the door. The door
opens and BRANDI peeps her head in.
BRANDI
Sorry to interrupt.
(CONTINUED)
49.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
It's no interruption. What are
you still doing here?
BRANDI
I had to do inventory tonight.
Bruce took off early so I'm the
last one. Hey, I was wondering if
you would mind walking me to my
car. You know, just in case that
freak with the dick is out there
someplace.
RONNIE
It would be my honor.
Ronnie stands up and walks out with Brandi, shutting off
the light as he leaves.
EXT. MALL - NIGHT
Ronnie and Brandi pull up to Brandi's car in the golf
cart.
BRANDI
Alright, thanks for the ride.
RONNIE
Just doing my job with a little
something extra especially for
you.
BRANDI
See ya tomorrow.
RONNIE
Brandi, um... I was just thinking,
would you like to go to dinner
this weekend?
BRANDI
How come every time somebody does
something nice for me, they act
like I owe them a blow job?
RONNIE
Look, it's not like that. I've
got a girlfriend... who doesn't
work in this mall.
BRANDI
Ronnie, I got to be honest with
you, you're not really my type.
(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Just out of curiosity, what is
your type?
BRANDI
Rich guys. Or guys who are really
hot.
RONNIE
Yeah, I guess that's not me.
BRANDI
I'll go out to dinner with you on
one condition.
RONNIE
What's that?
BRANDI
This is not a date. Do you
understand? We're going to
dinner, but we are not going on a
date.
RONNIE
Done.
BRANDI
And you can never tell anybody we
went out.
RONNIE
My lips are sealed.
BRANDI
You pay for dinner, right? And as
many drinks as I want.
RONNIE
You may drink your fill.
BRANDI
And you have to drive me to my car
every night after work for the
next six months.
RONNIE
You got it.
BRANDI
And my car is low on gas, so I
need some money to fill it up.
Ronnie takes out his wallet.
(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Is $20 enough?
BRANDI
Nah, fifty.
Ronnie takes out more money and hands it to Brandi. She
takes it, counts it, and puts it into her bra.
BRANDI
Okay, you can pick me up after
work on Saturday. Dinner and
that's it. Don't try to kiss me
because I'll smack the shit out of
you. It's not a date.
RONNIE
Got it. Not a date.
BRANDI
Thanks for the ride.
Brandi climbs out of the golf cart and walks to her car.
She opens the door and starts to get in --
RONNIE
Hey, Brandi.
BRANDI
What?
RONNIE
I lied. It is a date.
Before she can argue, Ronnie guns the golf cart and
drives away.
EXT. MALL - MORNING
Ronnie sees Stevie and the Skaters doing hand rails down
a ramp while mall patrons try to get by without getting
nailed by flying skateboards. Ronnie drives up on his
golf cart.
STEVIE
Our suspension is over.
RONNIE
I'm not here for that. I need to
talk to you.
A giant BODYGUARD with a shaved head stands up.
(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED:
BODYGUARD
Anything you want to say to
Stevie, you can say to me,
motherfucker!
RONNIE
Who the fuck are you?
STEVIE
This is my cousin, Roy. He's a
boxer.
BODYGUARD
You got a fuckin' problem, bitch?!
Ronnie reaches into his belt and produces a can of mace.
He sprays it into the eyes of the Bodyguard. The guy
goes down and starts SCREAMING IN PAIN.
BODYGUARD
My eyes!
STEVIE
Jesus, Ronnie, what the fuck are
you doing?
RONNIE
I need a favor.
STEVIE
I'm listening.
RONNIE
As you know, we've had a lot of
crime around here lately. Between
the Flasher and all the break-ins,
I've decided to go to the streets.
Frankly, I'm looking for a stool
pigeon and you're just the right
person.
STEVIE
Why would I want to help you?
RONNIE
I could make it worth your while.
You like skating at the mall. I
could allow you to skate here
whenever you wanted. In exchange,
you keep your eyes peeled and
provide me with any information
you come across as to the identity
of the perpetrators.
(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED:
STEVIE
Sorry, dude, but I'm no snitch.
Go find somebody else to do your
dirty work.
RONNIE
Well, let me put it another way.
If you don't help me, I'm gonna
spread your little butt cheeks and
stick this flashlight up your ass.
But like for real. Like I really
will do that. This is the new me
talking and I get what I need, you
understand me, Stevie?
STEVIE
Alright, dude, I understand, you
sick fuck.
RONNIE
Cool. In that case, have fun
shreadin'.
Ronnie gets into his Golf Cart and drives off. Stevie
looks down at the Boxer who is still on the ground.
STEVIE
Stop crying, Roy.
Stevie starts skating.
INT. MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
Ronnie walks into the Food Court and sees Nell waiting at
their table with Ronnie's morning Cinnabon. He takes a
deep breath and heads over.
NELL
Hey, sweetie -- Oh, I'm sorry,
good morning, Officer Barnhardt.
RONNIE
Good morning, Nell.
NELL
Where were you last night? I
tried to call, but your mom said
you weren't home from work yet.
(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Look, I got to talk to you about
something. I'm not really sure
how to put this. Let's see. If
you drove a Toyota.
NELL
I drive a Ford.
RONNIE
I know, but let's just pretend you
drove a Toyota. Now, this Toyota
runs really good. It always
starts when you need it to and it
gets good gas mileage and you
don't have to do much to maintain
it. Then you get a really
important job like Astronaut, no
that won't work, you get a job as
the head of Wall Street. Well,
you may really like that Toyota,
but you're going to feel weird
about driving it to work every
day, right? Now let's say that
somebody offers you a chance to
get rid of that Toyota and instead
you get a Ferrari. It may be more
expensive and harder to drive, but
I mean, it just looks good as
hell. What would you do?
NELL
I don't get it.
RONNIE
You would trade up, Nell. Well,
that's exactly what I'm doing.
NELL
Are you thinking about getting a
new car?
RONNIE
No, Nell, I'm getting a new
girlfriend.
NELL
What?! Who?
RONNIE
This girl, Brandi.
(CONTINUED)
55.
CONTINUED:
NELL
The slutty girl who works at the
make-up counter?
RONNIE
Yeah, I mean, no, she's not a
slut. But you're thinking of the
right person.
NELL
How could you do this to me?
RONNIE
I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt
you. It's just, well, I believe
in this world, you play the hand
you're dealt and at this point in
my life, I've been dealt five
Aces. I'd be a fool not to bet.
NELL
Why are you doing this, Ronnie?
RONNIE
I have to, Nell.
NELL
Don't you love me?
RONNIE
Of course I love you.
NELL
Then tell me why?
RONNIE
Because I've never dated the prom
queen before.
NELL
Remember when you started this
job? You weren't such a hotshot
then. I've stood by you when you
were at your worst. Every time
you fell, I held your hand and
told you everything would be okay.
Time and time again.
RONNIE
Come on. Why do you have to bring
that up?
(CONTINUED)
56.
CONTINUED:
NELL
I never cared about who you wanted
to be, I fell in love with who you
really are. If you leave me,
Ronnie, I won't be there to pick
you up when you fall.
RONNIE
Even if I do fall, it won't
matter, because I'm learning to
fly.
Ronnie stands up and walks away. Nell sits there sad.
She looks down at her Cinnabon and devours the whole
thing.
INT. MALL - MAURICE'S FOR MEN - DAY
Ronnie looks through a clothing rack. It's full of cheap
fabrics, lots of imitation silks and shit. A SLICK
SALESMAN approaches Ronnie.
SLICK SALESMAN
Can I help you, sir?
RONNIE
Yeah, um, I've got a really
special date tonight with a hot
young lady -- Do you know Brandi?
SLICK SALESMAN
No.
RONNIE
Never mind. Anyway, I need
something that's really 'cool.'
Something that will impress her
and I guess you could say I'm not
exactly in the know with what the
hipsters are up to these days.
SLICK SALESMAN
Let's see. Are you looking to
fall in love or are you looking to
get laid?
RONNIE
Um, I guess love, but uh...
SLICK SALESMAN
You want to get laid, too?
(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Watch it, man. She's a lady. But
yes.
SLICK SALESMAN
Alright, I got just the thing.
Something classy is what you want.
Show her you're a man with taste.
CUT TO:
INT. RONNIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ronnie's Mom sits on his bed with a bottle of Wild
Turkey. She waits for Ronnie to come out of the closet.
MOM
Come on, Ronnie, just get out
here.
RONNIE
It's too tight in the butt.
MOM
Let me see.
Ronnie comes out of the closet and he's wearing a
ridiculous fucking outfit. It's an imitation silk button
up, with a pair of black parachute pants. There's two
belts for some DOUBLE BELT action. He's got no socks on
and a pair of white shoes. He looks like a goddamn fool.
MOM
Ronnie, you look so handsome!
RONNIE
Really, you don't think I look
like a phony.
MOM
Hell no. You look like a stud
muffin.
RONNIE
Yeah, I guess these clothes are
kind of cool.
MOM
Nell is a lucky girl.
RONNIE
Its not Nell, Mom.
(CONTINUED)
58.
CONTINUED:
MOM
Really, I thought you and Nell
were going to get married some
day.
RONNIE
I did too. But then I met this
girl Brandi and she swept me off
my feet.
MOM
Well, I always liked Nell, but as
long as you're happy, Ronnie,
that's all I care about.
RONNIE
I actually feel kind of bad about
Nell, but I figure that I can pour
all the sadness into Brandi and
just really rely on her for my
happiness instead of Nell.
MOM
That sounds wonderful. Is she
pretty?
RONNIE
She is, Mom. She's the most
perfect girl in the whole world.
MOM
I remember when your father picked
me up for our first date. I swear
he was the most handsome man that
I had ever laid eyes on. I knew
right then and there that this
would be the man that I married.
RONNIE
I hope that happens tonight.
MOM
It will, Ronnie. Then you'll have
to give her a ring like the one
your father gave me.
Ronnie's Mom holds up her finger for Ronnie. It's a
giant yellow/cottony-looking diamond ring.
RONNIE
Is that a yellow diamond?
(CONTINUED)
59.
CONTINUED:
MOM
It's a glass diamond. This is how
it looks now.
RONNIE
Mom, why did Dad leave?
MOM
Well, he kind of freaked out when
you were born. You had so many
special needs that he just
couldn't handle the pressure. One
day, he just couldn't take it
anymore.
RONNIE
Do you think it was my fault that
Dad left?
MOM
Definitely. You don't think it
was mine do you?
RONNIE
Well, I didn't know, with the
drinking and all.
MOM
Nope, it was all you.
Ronnie nods.
MOM
I love you, Ronnie.
RONNIE
I love you, too, Mom.
INT. CAPTAIN O'LANDERS - NIGHT
The restaurant is the cheesiest of all sea food
restaurants. Think one step down from Red Lobster.
Ronnie sits across the table from Brandi. She chugs one
of those giant frozen drinks, killing it in one gulp.
RONNIE
Damn, that was pretty impressive.
BRANDI
Yeah, work's been pissing me off,
so I just need to blow off some
steam.
(CONTINUED)
60.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Well, Brandi, can I just say that
you look absolutely beautiful
tonight.
BRANDI
Yeah, I know.
(calling to waiter)
Nurse! Get me another --
(to Ronnie)
You got this, right?
RONNIE
Yeah, yeah. No problem.
BRANDI
Nurse! Bring me another and keep
'em coming.
(to Ronnie)
I think it's funny to call the
waitress nurse.
Ronnie takes a pill bottle out of his pocket. He opens
it up and pops a pill.
BRANDI
Hey, what's that?
RONNIE
Oh, it's nothing.
BRANDI
Don't be stingy, what the fuck is
that?
RONNIE
It's just a pill I'm supposed to
take.
BRANDI
Let me see.
Ronnie hands the pills to Brandi.
BRANDI
Where the fuck did you find these?
RONNIE
The Doctor.
(CONTINUED)
61.
CONTINUED:
BRANDI
Damn, Ronnie, Klonopin. I'm
impressed. This is the good shit.
I didn't know you partied like
this.
RONNIE
Yeah, I guess I party like this
every four to six hours as needed.
BRANDI
Let me get one.
RONNIE
Help yourself.
BRANDI
Hell yeah!
Brandi pops a bunch of pills.
RONNIE
So, how do you like working at the
mall?
BRANDI
I hate that shit. All I do is
listen to bitching all day long.
I got to put makeup on these fat-
ass women all day and it's like, I
don't give a shit what you do, you
can't polish a turd.
RONNIE
Yeah, I see how that could get to
you.
BRANDI
Let's do some shots. Waiter, four
shots of Jager!
RONNIE
That's a lot.
BRANDI
It's Friday.
RONNIE
So, Brandi, I hope I'm not being
too forward, but do you have a
boyfriend?
(CONTINUED)
62.
CONTINUED:
BRANDI
I've got a few hook-ups but nobody
who is a boyfriend.
RONNIE
Yes!
BRANDI
You know, it's just like a time in
my life where I want to be free
right now and think about myself.
Not get tied down to one person.
RONNIE
Yeah, I understand. I hate ties.
I recently cut mine and now I'm
free like a bird.
The shots come.
BRANDI
Alright, bottoms up.
Ronnie holds up a shot to toast.
RONNIE
To new beginnings.
BRANDI
Right up your ass!
Brandi downs her shot.
RONNIE
Okay.
Ronnie takes his shot.
BRANDI
Oh, shit!
RONNIE
No more. I'm sticking to beer.
BRANDI
What's wrong, is your pussy
hurting?
RONNIE
God, you remind me so much of my
mother.
Brandi knocks back the other two shots.
(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED:
BRANDI
Feel the burn, bitch!
RONNIE
You are so beautiful.
INT. RONNIE'S CAR - NIGHT
Ronnie's car is a piece-of-shit Subaru. Brandi is shit-
faced and yelling at people out of the window.
BRANDI
Who wants to see my titties?!
Brandi lifts up her shirt and shows the passengers of
other cars her boobs.
RONNIE
Brandi, this is the most fun I've
ever had on a date.
BRANDI
For the last time, this ain't a
date, motherfucker! This is a
party!
RONNIE
Wooo! Um, so, Brandi, it's no
secret that I'm attracted to you.
I think everybody in the mall is.
As you know, I recently split with
my girlfriend and basically, I was
wondering if, since you don't have
a boyfriend, that I could maybe be
your boyfriend and you could be my
girlfriend?
BRANDI
That's my house!
Ronnie hits the brakes.
EXT. BRANDI'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Ronnie opens Brandi's door and helps Brandi out. She's
almost passed out drunk. Both of her eyes are closed and
she immediately tries to sleep on the ground. Ronnie
helps her up, but when he does, Brandi gives him a
kiss -- a sloppy one.
(CONTINUED)
64.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Brandi, I had a wonderful time
tonight.
BRANDI
I'm so fucking shit-faced.
They kiss again, but when they do, Brandi pukes all over
the place. It's a disgusting puke and there's vomit on
her cheek and stuff. Ronnie holds her head for her.
RONNIE
Are you okay?
BRANDI
My breath smells like asshole.
Ronnie looks longingly into her eyes.
RONNIE
I love you, Brandi.
BRANDI
I think I've got puke in my teeth.
RONNIE
I don't care.
Ronnie kisses Brandi passionately on the mouth. He walks
her inside the house. On the way in, she falls over.
Ronnie helps her up. He carries her into the house where
the make-love spot is.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
Ronnie is with Dennis in the food court. Ronnie is
smiling, but Dennis isn't saying a word as usual.
RONNIE
Don't look at me like that,
Dennis. I told you I wouldn't
talk.
Ronnie sits back, but he can't help a giant grin on his
face.
(CONTINUED)
65.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I'm serious, Dennis. A gentleman
never kisses and tells. So, just
stop with all the pressure because
it's just not gonna happen.
Ronnie keeps on grinning at Dennis.
RONNIE
Okay, fine, you son of a bitch,
you want details, I'll give you
details. I had sex with Brandi
last night.
Dennis and Ronnie high-five.
RONNIE
It was amazing. I mean, I've
never experienced anything like
it. I've been with a girl or two.
Dennis stares at Ronnie.
RONNIE
Okay, fine, I've been with a girl,
but let me tell you, this was so
much better. You know how many
times we did it? Twice! BAM!
BAM! BAM!
OVER AT THE CINNABON STAND
Nell, who looks like she's been crying nonstop, stuffs a
whole Cinnabon into her face. As it fills her cheeks,
she looks over to Ronnie's table and sees Ronnie making
thrusting motions at the table. Nell swallows, stuffs
another Cinnabon in, then storms out of the Food Court.
BACK AT RONNIE'S TABLE
Ronnie continues to talk to Dennis.
RONNIE
But I got to tell you, Dennis. It
was steamy and sexy, but more than
anything, I should tell you that
it's her soul that I fell for the
most. She got pretty tanked, but
I could just really tell that
she's a good person. The kind of
person that I could see myself
with.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
66.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE (CONT'D)
Look, I'm gonna get out of here.
There's a lot of people I need to
tell about this, so I'll catch up
with you later. Oh, and I almost
forgot, keep your eyes peeled for
crime and stuff.
Ronnie leaves the table.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
Nell watches Brandi as she pops a couple of aspirin
behind the makeup counter. She takes a deep breath and
walks up to the counter.
NELL
Excuse me.
BRANDI
How may I help you?
NELL
I need to talk to you.
BRANDI
What is it, honey? Let me guess.
You're looking for something to
take care of those blackheads and
hide that puffiness under your
eyes. I've got just the thing.
NELL
No, that's not it. Well, how much
is it?
BRANDI
Fifty dollars for the bottle.
NELL
Okay, I'll take it.
Brandi begins to ring up the cream.
NELL
Listen, I know you're Ronnie's new
girlfriend.
BRANDI
What the hell are you talking
about?
(CONTINUED)
67.
CONTINUED:
NELL
It's okay. I know he left me to
be with you and I accept that.
BRANDI
I don't know who you've been
talking to, but it's safe to say
that you're fucking trippin'.
NELL
It's fine really. It's going to
take a while for me to get over
it, but I'll be okay.
Nell starts to get all teary-eyed. She picks up a
Kleenex from a box on the counter and wipes her eyes.
BRANDI
Oh fuckin' Lord. This is
disgusting.
NELL
I'm sorry.
BRANDI
Pull it together. This is how you
run around all the time? Have
some self-respect. No wonder your
man left you. Who the hell would
want to be around this shit all
day?
Nell pulls herself together.
NELL
Jesus teaches us to forgive. And
I forgive you for what you did to
me when you stole my boyfriend.
Plus, I feel pretty confident that
you'll end up burning in hell
because of the various evil ways
you live your life and that brings
me some satisfaction. But I just
want to tell you that Ronnie is a
good person. He does a lot of
stupid stuff, but really, he wants
to do good for the world. I want
you to know that if you hurt him
and ruin his heart, I will
personally come down here and kick
the ever living shit out of you.
Nell walks away.
(CONTINUED)
68.
CONTINUED:
BRANDI
You better fuckin' run, bitch!
Nell turns around and starts storming toward Brandi.
Brandi throws her hands up, frightened.
BRANDI
I'm just kidding.
Nell stops charging and walks away. Nell walks past
Bruce who is helping a customer at the end of the
counter.
NELL
It's not too late to change your
ways.
BRUCE
Okay. Thanks.
Nell walks out of the department store.
INT. MALL - FLOWER SHOP - DAY
Ronnie looks at the colorful flowers in the glass
refrigerator. The FLOWER SALESMAN walks up to Ronnie.
FLOWER SALESMAN
Ronnie, I've been expecting you.
RONNIE
You have?
FLOWER SALESMAN
Oh yeah, I heard about last night.
Brandi is quite the woman.
Congratulations, my friend. Or
should I say, welcome to the club?
The Flower Salesman winks and starts laughing. Ronnie
doesn't. It gets weird so the Flower Salesman stops.
RONNIE
What color of roses do the women
like anyway?
FLOWER SALESMAN
Well, it depends on what you are
trying to say. The white roses
symbolize innocence and purity.
(CONTINUED)
69.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Yeah, we're way past the color
white if you know what I mean.
What about the yellow ones?
FLOWER SALESMAN
Joy, happiness, appreciation.
RONNIE
I don't even know what to make of
that.
FLOWER SALESMAN
The pink rose means thank you.
RONNIE
Next.
FLOWER SALESMAN
The red rose is the most powerful.
It symbolizes love.
RONNIE
Why didn't you just say that? I'm
a busy man here.
FLOWER SALESMAN
I'm sorry.
RONNIE
Forget it. Give me a big bag of
the red ones.
FLOWER SALESMAN
Um, can I ask a question?
RONNIE
Go ahead.
FLOWER SALESMAN
Do you really like Brandi?
RONNIE
I've only been on one date with
her, but I could see myself being
with her for all of eternity.
FLOWER SALESMAN
Well, in that case, the greatest
symbol of love is just a single
red rose.
(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Seems like a big bag of roses
would be more love than just one,
but I guess you're the expert.
Gimme one.
The Flower Salesman takes a single red rose from the case
and hands it to Ronnie.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
Brandi is behind the counter gossiping with Bruce.
Ronnie holds his rose and watches them from a distance.
He takes a deep breath and then walks to the counter.
RONNIE
Brandi?
BRANDI
What are you doing here?
RONNIE
I came here to see you. And to
present you with this single red
rose. It symbolizes 'love.'
BRANDI
Ronnie, that's really... uncalled
for.
RONNIE
Well, after last night, I just
wanted you to know that it wasn't
just some fling to me. It meant
something special and I felt it
deep in my soul.
BRUCE
You fucked the Security Guard?
(PLAYFUL)
You are such a little slut!
BRANDI
Oh, like you've never been drunk,
Bruce!
Brandi grabs Ronnie and pulls him off to the side.
BRANDI
Ronnie, look. I got to be honest
with you. I barely remember last
night.
(CONTINUED)
71.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I remember it for the both of us.
BRANDI
Okay, see here's the thing. I
don't know how to say this, so I'm
just gonna come on out with it.
Ronnie, I could never date you
seriously. I mean, you're a
security guard.
RONNIE
I'm the head of Mall Security.
BRANDI
Exactly. The point is, I don't
really see myself being with that.
Like ever. You know what I mean?
RONNIE
Brandi, I know exactly what you
mean. And I just want to thank
you for being honest. You're
telling me I'm not living up to my
full potential in life. It's
funny, because I've been feeling
like this for quite some time. I
guess I just needed that extra
little push to get me over this
hurdle I've been stuck on. How
can you be with a man who isn't
living the life he was meant to?
BRANDI
Yeah, something like that. And
just you know, you're a security
guard at the mall and it's like,
come on, you know?
RONNIE
I don't like it, Brandi, but I do
understand. I promise you this.
Next time you see me, I will be
wearing a uniform that will make
you proud. I will be the man that
you will be honored to call your
life's love.
BRANDI
Don't bet on it.
(CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I will though. I'll bet
everything I have on you. Now I
ask you for one favor. Although I
am unworthy, will you accept this
rose from me anyway?
BRANDI
I can't do that. And tell your
girlfriend to stop coming by my
work and threatening me and shit.
Brandi walks away, leaving Ronnie there holding his
flower.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Ronnie sits at a small table and waits patiently. Then a
POLICEMAN walks into the room. Ronnie stands to shake
his hand.
RONNIE
I'm here to become a police
officer.
POLICEMAN
We're always on the hunt for new
recruits. Do you have at least a
high school diploma?
RONNIE
I have a GED.
POLICEMAN
We usually prefer an actual
diploma, but GED is technically
acceptable. Are you a citizen of
the United States?
RONNIE
You bet your ass I am.
POLICEMAN
Okay, Mr. Barnhardt, there are
several steps you have to complete
in order to be eligible for the
police academy. Physical
evaluation, psychological test,
background check.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
73.
CONTINUED:
POLICEMAN (CONT'D)
If you pass these tests, you will
be admitted to the police academy.
Now, I like to tell all new
recruits that they should complete
a ride along before making this
decision. It's where you actually
ride along with a real police
officer during a routine patrol.
It helps give you an idea of the
kind of situations you'll be
dealing with. Sound good?
RONNIE
That sounds fun. Sign me up.
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT
Ronnie sits in the unmarked police car with Detective
Harrison.
RONNIE
It's like it was meant to be. You
behind the wheel. Me riding shotgun.
Two brothers of the badge unite to
form the ultimate crime-stopping combo.
I'm psyched to be here, Harrison.
Thank you for the opportunity.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
You requested to ride along with me.
RONNIE
I know. You want to know the
truth. It's because I respect
you. See, when we're at the mall,
it's obviously my turf. Sure, I
break your balls about being a
rookie, but out here in the
streets, I'm the rookie. I'm here
to learn. Teach me.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Why do you want to become a Cop?
RONNIE
I've wanted to be a Police officer
all my life.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE (CONT'D)
Don't get me wrong, I love keeping
the mall safe, but you guys are
the ones that really enforce
justice and protect, not just our
mall, but our whole community. I
don't tell the guys on my squad
this, but the Security Guard job
was just temporary.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Well, just pay attention tonight
and make sure you stay out of the
way.
RONNIE
Right, we're not back at the
station anymore so we can cut the
charade.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
What are you talking about?
RONNIE
Well, I know that policy demands I
stay out of the way, but between
you and me, I just want you to
know that if anything pops off
tonight, I'm going to jump right
in there and take 'em down with
you.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
No, no. Ronnie, policy says you
have to stay in the car.
RONNIE
I get you. You have to say this
in order to keep you safe
'legally' speaking. I should
probably follow along too. 'I
swear I won't get out of the car
and fight justice tonight.'
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, you really can't.
RONNIE
I know.
Ronnie winks at Detective Harrison. A smile comes across
Harrison's face.
(CONTINUED)
75.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I'm glad we understand each other.
Detective Harrison puts the car in drive and the guys
head off for the night.
INT. POLICE CAR - LATER THAT NIGHT
Ronnie and Detective Harrison sit in the parked car.
They're at the shittiest crack corner in the whole town.
Lots of scary bums and hookers loiter around the car.
RONNIE
Yeah, so then I basically saw his
ass trying to circumvent around
the ped exit and slip through the
employ exit. Not allowed. The
two ped exits are to be used
only --
DETECTIVE HARRISON
You see that corner there, Ronnie?
RONNIE
Yeah, I see it.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That corner used to be the worst
corner in this whole town. It was
riddled with drugs, prostitution,
and gang violence. It was
nicknamed 'The Crossroads.'
RONNIE
Shit, I've heard of that.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That's right, but myself and the
other officers worked on cleaning
it up for years so that the good
folks of this neighborhood
wouldn't have to worry about being
safe. Yes, sir, that corner is a
testament to the fine police work
of our force.
RONNIE
I don't know. It looks pretty
shitty to me.
(CONTINUED)
76.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Well, it's a low income area,
Ronnie. You're being kind of
prejudiced.
RONNIE
Oh, yeah, I can see that it's
basically a fine neighborhood.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That's right, but it hasn't been
easy. We still patrol this area
every night just to keep our
presence up.
RONNIE
I use that same technique at the
mall.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I'm sure. I usually do the foot
patrols myself, but because I like
you, I'm going to let you do it
tonight.
RONNIE
Really?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Yeah, really. But I told you
about department policy, so I'm
going to need you to keep quiet
about this one.
RONNIE
You can count on me. Thank you
for the honor.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Of course, Ronnie. I just really
believe in you.
RONNIE
I won't let you down.
Ronnie opens the door and gets out of the car. As he
exits, a car drives by BLARING RAP MUSIC. The passenger
throws a beer bottle at Ronnie. He dodges it and the
bottle shatters on the ground.
Ronnie is shaken, but he waves to Detective Harrison like
he's okay. Detective Harrison waves back, then PEELS OUT
OF THERE. Ronnie is confused.
(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Where are you going?!
Detective Harrison keeps on driving without looking back.
CUT TO:
EXT. CROSSROADS - A SHORT TIME LATER
Ronnie looks petrified as he stands guard. A BUM stands
off to the side staring Ronnie down.
Ronnie waves to the bum. The bum runs his finger under
his throat. Ronnie tries to ignore him.
A group of KIDS walk by Ronnie talking loudly.
RONNIE
Hey, no horse play. You guys get
on home.
KID
You want some crack?
RONNIE
No, I don't want any crack. In
fact, I didn't want to do this,
but you leave me no choice in the
matter. I'm placing you under
citizen's arrest.
Ronnie grabs the little Kid by the shoulders to restrain
him.
KID
Let me go, motherfucker!
RONNIE
I place you under citizen's arrest
for the crime of selling a
Schedule 1 Narcotic. You have the
right to remain silent...
Unbeknownst to Ronnie, Gang Members start walking up
behind him. It's like that scene in Training Day where
all the gangsters are hanging out right across the street
with guns and shit. They come up behind him as he speaks
to the kids...
(CONTINUED)
78.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
... If you cannot afford an
attorney, one will be appointed to
you. Now I guess we just wait
here for my ride to come back.
Ronnie turns around to look for Harrison's return, but
instead he sees that he is surrounded by a large group of
pissed-off GANG MEMBERS.
GANG MEMBER #1
That's my little brother you got
there.
RONNIE
Who, this little guy right here?
GANG MEMBER #1
That's right.
RONNIE
Well, I hate to be the one to tell
you this, but it appears that your
little brother has tried to sell
me illegal drugs. I know it's
hard for you to hear that.
GANG MEMBER #1
He works for me, motherfucker!
RONNIE
Is that so? Well then, it looks
like you got one less employee
because I'm taking little brother
down. I'll die right here before
I let crime prevail.
The Gang Members all pull out their guns and point them
at Ronnie.
RONNIE
(to the little Kid)
Free to go, little brother. My
mistake completely. Good luck
with the crack.
The little Kid runs off.
RONNIE
Alright, so I guess I'll be seeing
you folks.
The Gang Members stand in Ronnie's way and cock their
guns.
(CONTINUED)
79.
CONTINUED:
GANG MEMBER #2
Yo, waste this pig, Tone.
RONNIE
Oh, no. That's really not
necessary, Tone.
GANG MEMBER #2
Do it, man.
Gang Member #1 puts the gun right up to Ronnie's head.
RONNIE
Oh, Jesus, I don't want to die.
Don't let me die, don't do it!
Ronnie goes down on his knees.
RONNIE
No, please! I'm sorry!
Ronnie reaches into his boot and pulls out a small rod.
He flips his wrist and it extends into a night stick.
Ronnie's begging was a trap. Ronnie pops up and begins
dropping all those motherfuckers with lightning-fast
precision.
Ronnie breaks arms and busts heads like a fucking ninja.
Gang Member #1 comes in and hits Ronnie with a sucker
punch, busting his nose wide open.
Ronnie stands up and goes mano y mano in a fist fight
with Gang Member #1. He starts kicking Ronnie's ass.
Ronnie goes down again and Gang Member #1 starts stomping
Ronnie.
Ronnie grabs Gang Member #1's leg and twists it. He
takes him down. Ronnie jumps on top of him and begins
beating him senseless.
SLOW MOTION: Ronnie stands up and looks around at the
pool of beaten bodies. This is Ronnie at his most primal
and also at his best.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Detective Harrison is eating doughnuts and laughing with
a bunch of other COPS.
(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED:
COP #1
I can't believe you dropped him
off at the Crossroads. That's
fucking hilarious.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Trust me, you would have done the
same thing. This guy is without a
doubt the biggest fucking idiot I
have ever met.
COP #1
He's probably going to get killed.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Good! Fuck him, I hope he does
get killed.
All of a sudden, Ronnie comes in all beaten and bruised.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, what are you doing here?
RONNIE
I know what you did!
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, look, I didn't do anything --
RONNIE
You're not going to talk your way
out of this one. You set me up!
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, look --
RONNIE
Don't try to deny it! You set me
up and that's all there is to it.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, I --
RONNIE
And I just want to thank you for
it.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Thank me? Why?
(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Because I'm proud to report that I
passed the test. I know you
wanted to see if I had the chops
to cut it on the police force and
I'm glad to say that I passed. I
knew I would get initiated some
time, but I didn't think it would
be so soon. Thank you, Detective
Harrison. Thank you for believing
in me.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, I don't know what to say.
RONNIE
You don't have to say anything.
Your actions speak for themselves.
Thank you for giving this rookie a
shot. Get used to seeing Ronnie
Barnhardt around here, boys.
BAD-ASS PHYSICAL EXAM MONTAGE - INT. TRAINING FIELD -
DAY
SPRINT: The TESTING OFFICER blows a whistle and starts
the 100 meter dash. Ronnie jumps off the starting line
and hauls ass down the track. The other Trainees fall
behind Ronnie as he smokes their asses.
PULL-UPS: Ronnie jumps on the bar and begins to do pull-
up after pull-up.
SIDE SLIDE: The Testing Officer blows a whistle and
Ronnie begins to shuffle side to side like an ice skater
that never moves forward.
SIT-UPS: Ronnie goes hard on the sit-ups.
OBSTACLE COURSE: Ronnie sprints up a wall and flips to
the other side. He charges a body of water, then jumps
onto the rope and swings safely to the other side.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - NIGHT
All the lights are off and we see the dark shadow creep
through the darkness.
The shadow breaks into the SHOE STORE and grabs as many
pairs of sneakers that it can carry. The shadow opens
the sliding cage and closes it from the other side. Then
bends down and locks it.
82.
INT. MALL - MANAGER'S OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY
Mark sits behind his desk reading a paper. The HEADLINE
READS: CHAOS CLIMBS AT CAROLINA MALL. There's a KNOCK
at the door.
MARK
Come in.
Ronnie sticks his head in the door.
RONNIE
Good morning, Mark.
MARK
Is it, Ronnie? I mean, the mall
is getting butchered in the press.
Somebody who works here is ripping
the place off. The cops don't
have any leads. I'm getting shit
from the owner of the mall. Sales
are down. I mean, what's so good
about this morning?
RONNIE
I feel your pain, Mark. Quite
frankly, there's two things
happening. One, I'm lacking a
sufficient firearm. And two,
we're understaffed. That's why I
come to you this morning with a
plan.
(calling to the door)
Come on in, Charles.
Charles opens the door and walks in.
MARK
Who is this?
RONNIE
This is Charles, sir.
CHARLES
(BOUNCER)
How's it going?
MARK
You work at O'Charley's, right.
CHARLES
That's right.
(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Mark, I would like to hire Charles
here as an additional Security
Guard. He would operate under me.
I figure with the additional
criminal element, we should hire
more security in hopes that we
would have a better chance of
catching these guys.
MARK
Do you have any experience, son?
CHARLES
Not really.
RONNIE
Um, sir, I have personally been
training young Charles for weeks
now in preparation for this day.
The kid kind of looks up to me.
I'm some what of a big brother to
the little guy.
Charles kind of looks at Ronnie like he's crazy.
MARK
Alright, it's actually not a bad
idea. It might make our Security
more visible so we can give people
the illusion that we're on top of
this.
Ronnie winks at Charles.
CHARLES
Thank you, Mark.
MARK
Ronnie, one more thing. Look, if
this crime doesn't come to an end
pretty soon, we're gonna have to
let someone go. I mean, you've
always done a great job for me,
but the truth is, someone is going
to have to take the fall. You're
the one who wanted to be Head of
Mall Security and quite frankly, I
just bought my wife a new
Cadillac, so let's just say it
won't be me.
(CONTINUED)
84.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
With Charles on my team, I can now
devote more time to the robbery
and Pervert case. I plan on
having these wrapped up by the end
of the week.
Mark laughs to himself.
RONNIE
Why'd you just laugh?
MARK
It's nothing. Have fun, Ronnie.
Ronnie looks at Charles.
RONNIE
Did I say something funny?
CHARLES
Let's go, Ronnie.
Ronnie and Charles take off.
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie and Charles stand in the middle of the floor and
supervise the "mall walkers."
CHARLES
Be careful, guys. Nice and slow.
RONNIE
That's not bad, but you need to
learn to speak in a more
authoritative voice. Watch this.
Slow it down! Slow it down!
You've already received one
verbal, don't make me issue a
second!
(back to Charles)
See, you can't be intimidated.
You have to make them respect you.
CHARLES
Ronnie, you know I really want to
thank you for the job. You're a
man of your word.
(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
No problem, my young student. So,
I got something to tell you. Keep
this between us until it's
official, but I don't think I'm
going to be here for much longer.
CHARLES
You're quitting? But you love
this job.
RONNIE
I do love it, but it looks like
someone is going to be joining the
police force.
CHARLES
The real police?
RONNIE
They're calling me up. It's
basically a done deal. Just a
little red tape is the only thing
keeping me from carrying a gun.
CHARLES
I didn't even know you wanted to
become a Cop.
RONNIE
It's always been my job. The Mall
thing is great training, but it
has its limitations. Some stars
are just meant to shine brighter
than others.
CHARLES
Congrats, brother.
RONNIE
(to a mall walker)
HEY, SLOW IT DOWN, LADY!
A Mall Walker slows her pace. She turns around and
Ronnie sees that it's Nell.
RONNIE
Nell?
NELL
Hey, Ronnie.
RONNIE
What are you doing?
(CONTINUED)
86.
CONTINUED:
NELL
Nothing, just getting in shape.
RONNIE
Well, that's okay, I guess. Just
watch your speed, okay?
Nell waves and walks on.
CHARLES
Isn't that your girlfriend?
RONNIE
Ex.
CHARLES
She looked good.
RONNIE
You think so?
CHARLES
She looks a lot better.
RONNIE
Yeah.
Ronnie shrugs it off.
INT. PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION - DAY
Ronnie sits across from a female PSYCHOLOGIST.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Okay, Ronnie, today I'll be giving
you a psychiatric evaluation to
determine if you're competent to
enter into the Police Academy.
It's really just a formality.
Don't want any serial killers
working for us, now do we?
RONNIE
No, ma'am, we don't.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Okay, Ronnie, so let's start with
your background. Where are you
from?
RONNIE
Born and raised right here.
(CONTINUED)
87.
CONTINUED:
PSYCHOLOGIST
Local boy. Okay, and, Ronnie,
have you ever been convicted of
any crimes?
RONNIE
No, ma'am. My record is totally
clean.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Do you now take any illegal drugs
or have you taken any in the past?
RONNIE
No, ma'am. I believe drugs are
the path to self-destruction and
should be purged from the face of
the earth with ruthless vengeance.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Any prescription medications?
RONNIE
Yes, for my nerves. A man in my
line of work has a lot of stress
to deal with. If you've seen the
bloodshed I've seen, you'd be on
the meds too. I -- Where are you
going with this?
PSYCHOLOGIST
Are you presently or have you ever
been affiliated with the Communist
Party?
RONNIE
I can't believe you'd even ask me
that.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Have you ever been in the
military?
RONNIE
Yes.
PSYCHOLOGIST
What branch of the military were
you in?
RONNIE
The kind of branch that doesn't
exist on paper.
(CONTINUED)
88.
CONTINUED:
PSYCHOLOGIST
Okay, here's a real world
scenario. You have a gun --
RONNIE
Finally.
PSYCHOLOGIST
That wasn't really the question,
never mind, I think I got that
one. Um... here's one. Do you
feel like you would work well on a
team?
RONNIE
Would I? Yes. Would I be more
useful working alone, I would say
definitely. I see myself more
like a Rambo kind of guy. A man
who rolls solo. Taking care of
business on his own terms. Kind
of like a Superhero or something.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Why do you want to become a cop?
RONNIE
I want to become a cop to help
people. The world is a scary
place with lots of evil
everywhere. See, I have this
vision of evil trying to get at
the world from every angle and
there I stand at the top of it all
with my gun, just kind of blowing
it away. Just me and my weapons,
cleaning up this whole town. I
know I could do some good if I was
just given a chance and everybody
would be a lot better off.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Uh-huh. So, what do you feel is
the greatest danger facing a
police officer today?
RONNIE
Maybe Russian gang activity, but
you know what? I think I'm gonna
have to go with evil on that one
too.
(CONTINUED)
89.
CONTINUED:
PSYCHOLOGIST
Okay, I think we're good here.
It's been a pleasure, Ronnie.
RONNIE
Thank you, ma'am.
INT. RONNIE'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Ronnie's Mom takes a bath and swigs on a bottle. She's
drunk and passing out in the tub. Ronnie scrubs her back
with a sponge.
RONNIE
I'm telling you, Mom, this police
thing could be good for both of
us. Not just the fact that I'll
be making the streets safer for
you, but they have health
insurance and a pension plan so I
don't have to worry about your
medical bills as much.
MOM
I don't care about that bullshit.
All I need is a little nip of this
good shit right here and I'm ready
to walk through the pearly gates.
RONNIE
Mom, I know, but maybe you should
stop drinking so much. You're
getting up there and you know what
the doctor said about your liver.
MOM
I don't tell you how to party,
don't tell me how to live my life.
I've taken care of you since you
were born.
RONNIE
I just worry about you is all.
MOM
Ronnie, don't get your hopes up
about this police thing.
RONNIE
Why would you say that?
(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED:
MOM
You know why. I just don't want
to see you get hurt. It's my job
to protect you from the bullshit.
RONNIE
Mom, I appreciate it, but I'm
going to make it as a police
officer. I'm tired of coming in
second all the time. Everybody in
life gets to go for their goals,
why should I be any different?
MOM
I know. Just be careful is all.
You've got a good heart and I
don't want to see it broken.
RONNIE
Okay, Mom. I hear you.
MOM
And, Ronnie, one more thing.
RONNIE
What's that, Mom?
In the tub, a bunch of bubbles plop to the surface.
RONNIE
Mom! That's gross!
MOM
(drunk laughing)
That's right! Now you got to
smell it!
RONNIE
Mom.
EXT. POLICE ACADEMY - DAY
The Police Academy is full of energy as new recruits pour
up the steps and into the building, eager to start their
training.
Ronnie comes walking up and takes a long look at the
building. Ronnie smiles to himself and heads up the
stairs.
Ronnie reaches the top where Detective Harrison is
waiting. Ronnie stops.
(CONTINUED)
91.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Ronnie Barnhardt reporting for
duty.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I can see that. Listen, I don't
really know how to say this, but
we're not going to be able to let
you join the academy.
RONNIE
What?! Why not?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
It seems you had a little trouble
passing the minimum requirements.
RONNIE
Did I fail one of the tests?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Well, yes, actually, you failed
the psychological exam.
RONNIE
No!
DETECTIVE HARRISON
It says...
(reads from the form)
That Ronnie Barnhardt shows
warning signs of delusion and
allowing him to join the force
puts his life and the lives of
others in jeopardy.
RONNIE
Detective Harrison, you've got to
believe me. I'm completely sound.
This has got to be a mistake.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, I personally did your
background check and this is the
fifth time you've been turned down
for the police academy.
RONNIE
You guys keep records on that?
(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
We sure do. Look, I tried to talk
to them, but there's no way
they're gonna let you in. I'm
sorry, but your dreams of becoming
a Police Officer just aren't going
to happen.
RONNIE
I understand. Thanks for
believing in me, Detective. And
just for the record, I'm not
crazy.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Take care, Ronnie.
Detective Harrison goes inside and closes the doors on
Ronnie.
Ronnie stands outside of the closed academy by himself.
The CAMERA PUSHES INTO Ronnie and SPINS UPSIDE-DOWN.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. CAROLINA MALL - MORNING
Ronnie is behind the locked gate to the food court, but
it looks like he is behind bars in a prison. Ronnie
slides the bars up and walks out.
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie walks through the mall and looks at the lights of
the different shops. Everything looks colorful and
weird. Ronnie is in his own head. This isn't the
exciting world as before, now it's a disgusting
fabricated make-believe land.
TIME LAPSE: A DAY SPEEDS BY AS RONNIE WALKS LIKE A
ZOMBIE THROUGH IT ALL.
INT. MALL - FOOD COURT - NIGHT
The mall is kind of winding down for the day. The stores
are closing and people are going home.
Ronnie sees Nell putting her apron away and preparing to
leave. Ronnie walks up to her.
(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Hey, Nell.
NELL
Hey, Ronnie. How's it going?
RONNIE
Can I talk to you for a second?
NELL
What is it?
RONNIE
I tried to get into the police
academy again and the same thing
happened.
NELL
Oh, Ronnie, I'm sorry.
Ronnie starts to tear up.
RONNIE
Why does this keep happening to
me, Nell?
NELL
I don't know, Ronnie. Maybe it's
just not meant to be. Are you
okay?
RONNIE
No. Are you going home? I mean,
do you want to go somewhere and
talk or something?
NELL
Ronnie, I can't.
RONNIE
Why not?
NELL
I've got plans.
RONNIE
What plans?
SADDAMN
Look at this sorry piece of shit.
Ronnie looks up to see Saddamn walking toward him.
(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
What the fuck do you want?
SADDAMN
I don't want anything from you.
(to Nell)
How you doing, sweetness?
Saddamn hugs Nell from behind and kisses her on the
cheek.
SADDAMN
You look beautiful tonight.
RONNIE
What the fuck is going on?
SADDAMN
You ready to go? We got
reservations at 9:00.
NELL
I'm ready, Saddamn.
RONNIE
Nell, for the love of God, don't
go with him.
NELL
I'm sorry, Ronnie.
Nell and Saddamn turn and walk towards the door. On the
way out, Saddamn turns back around to Ronnie and smiles.
Then, he begins to "air hump" Nell from behind.
RONNIE
Don't go, Nell. Remember your
purity! Remember your purity!
Nell and Saddamn leave the mall.
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie sits down on one of the benches in the mall. He
watches a couple walk by, their little kid swinging
between their arms.
Then, Stevie comes in and takes a seat next to Ronnie.
STEVIE
What are you doing, Ronnie?
(CONTINUED)
95.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I'm just taking a break. What do
you want, Stevie? I don't have
time to fuck around with you
today.
STEVIE
I got something.
Stevie reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a bunch of
Polaroids of penises.
RONNIE
What the fuck is this?
DUDE
Dude, I found these all over the
mall. I'm guessing that whoever
this Mall Flasher is, left these
for girls to find.
RONNIE
This thing gets grosser and
grosser all the time. Well,
thanks for the clue. Maybe I can
use this to identify the freak.
You can skate all you want around
here.
STEVIE
What's wrong with you, Ronnie?
RONNIE
What do you mean?
STEVIE
I don't know. You just seem kind
of sad.
RONNIE
Nah, man, I'm fine. I mean, I'm
catchin' perverts and protecting
this mall and just you know,
really livin' the dream.
STEVIE
That's cool. Look, man, you want
to get high?
RONNIE
No, I don't want to get high.
STEVIE
That's cool.
(CONTINUED)
96.
CONTINUED:
The conversation dies down and the two just kind of sit
there.
RONNIE
And by the way, if I see you
getting high, I will call the
police and have your criminal ass
arrested. Don't you fuckin' ever
mistake my kindness for weakness.
I hate drugs and I hate you too.
STEVIE
Fine, you fucking dick.
Steve stands up to leave. Ronnie sits there looking sad.
EXT. MALL - NIGHT
Ronnie sits in his golf cart staring at the mall as the
last of the customers leave. That's when Ronnie sees
Brandi come out of the door. Brandi looks around and
darts across the parking lot.
Ronnie follows Brandi's path and tries to catch up with
her.
EXT. MALL - NIGHT
Ronnie drives around, but he can't find Brandi anywhere.
Ronnie sees a lone black car at the outer edge of the
parking lot. He pulls his golf cart over and climbs out.
Ronnie creeps up to the car and peers in the window.
Inside, Ronnie sees Brandi and Detective Harrison banging
like a couple of wild animals.
Ronnie jumps back in shock!
INT. DETECTIVE HARRISON'S CAR - NIGHT
Brandi stops humping Detective Harrison.
BRANDI
Shhhh.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
What is it?
BRANDI
I thought I heard something.
(CONTINUED)
97.
CONTINUED:
Detective Harrison looks out of the window. He doesn't
see anything. He climbs back on top of Brandi.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
It's nothing.
OUT OF NOWHERE, A FLASHLIGHT BREAKS THE BACK WINDOW OF
THE CAR.
EXT. MALL - NIGHT
Ronnie runs around Detective Harrison's car wielding a
flashlight like a mad man.
RONNIE
HARRISON!!!
Ronnie beats the shit out of Harrison's car. He smashes
headlights, mirrors and fenders.
INSIDE THE CAR
Harrison and Brandi duck down.
BRANDI
Shit!
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That motherfucker is crazy.
BRANDI
Well, you're the fucking cop. Do
something.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
You're right. Okay, here it goes.
Harrison reaches over Brandi and opens her door.
BRANDI
What the fuck are you doing?!
Harrison pushes Brandi out of the car and shuts himself
back in.
OUTSIDE
Ronnie sees Brandi and stops pummeling the car.
(CONTINUED)
98.
CONTINUED:
BRANDI
Ronnie, it's me! Don't do
anything crazy.
RONNIE
Get back inside, Brandi. This
isn't about you... you... you
slut!
BRANDI
Fuck off, Ronnie.
RONNIE
How can you just stand there after
you ruined my life and act like
nothing happened?!
BRANDI
It's easy 'cause I don't give a
FUCK ABOUT YOU!
Ronnie SNAPS. He charges at Brandi with the flashlight
over his head. He's about to crack her when...
CLICK.
Ronnie STOPS to see Harrison on the other side of him
with his pistol drawn and pointed at Ronnie.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Drop the flashlight, Ronnie.
Ronnie drops the flashlight from his hands.
RONNIE
You're pretty tough with that gun.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie, I know you've had a hard
time --
RONNIE
You were supposed to be my friend!
DETECTIVE HARRISON
So you're gonna kill Brandi?
RONNIE
I was just trying to scare her.
BRANDI
You don't scare me, you piece of
shit.
(CONTINUED)
99.
CONTINUED:
Ronnie lifts the flashlight up again like he's going to
hit Brandi. Brandi ducks.
Detective Harrison cocks the gun.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Ronnie!
RONNIE
Fine, fuck you! Fuck all of you!
And, Harrison, you better be glad
you have a gun or I'd kick your
ass too. And you know what? I'm
taking my friendship back because
you don't deserve it! And,
Brandi, I'm taking my love back
too. I'm gonna leave now and you
two can just have fun. Have fun
sleeping tonight because something
tells me, you won't be able to.
Ronnie climbs into the golf cart and drives off.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
That guy is a nut job.
BRANDI
Tell me about it.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
So you slept with him?
BRANDI
I was drunk okay. You gonna make
a big deal out of it.
DETECTIVE HARRISON
No, I guess not.
BRANDI
Fine.
INT. RONNIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
ON THE TELEVISION: There's an update on the CAROLINA
MALL FLASHER. It says he has exposed himself to more
girls.
As the TV blares the headline, Ronnie lays in his bed and
watches. The images shine COLOR on him, but Ronnie is in
his own world.
100.
INT. MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
Ronnie has the Special Elite Task Force assembled.
RONNIE
I'm disbanding the task force.
CHARLES
Hey, Ronnie, that's crazy talk.
Are you cool?
RONNIE
No, I'm not cool, Charles. In
fact, shit is seriously fucked up.
I've got to protect the whole mall
by myself. Now, I got you this
fucking job, when are you going to
stop being a little baby and do
something for a change.
(MOCKING)
'I don't want to do anything hard.
I just want to be a little bitch
and brag about dropping out of
college.' Grow a fucking pair,
will you, Chucky?
CHARLES
I'm gonna go check the parking
lot.
Charles walks away.
RONNIE
(calling out)
I'm sorry, Charles! I didn't mean
it, buddy!
Ronnie puts his head on the table.
RONNIE
You know, Dennis, for the longest
time I made this job my whole
life. I looked at this mall as a
kingdom and I looked at Mark as
the King. I thought of myself as
the first Knight and the
customers, well, they were the
peasants. I lived by an old code
where one was bound by duty and
honor. But now I don't know if I
believe in that code anymore.
I've lost my way. Now I just feel
like it's one big kingdom of shit.
Right now, I got half a mind just
to let this whole place burn.
Burn it to the fucking ground!
(CONTINUED)
101.
CONTINUED:
Dennis stares down at the desk. Dennis takes off his hat
and reveals that he has bleached white Eminem hair
underneath. Next, he reaches under his collar and flips
out a thin gold necklace. He kicks up his shoes and
reveals the newest and freshest basketball kicks.
This is the REAL DENNIS and for the first time ever, he
speaks...
DENNIS
(high ghetto voice)
I've been waiting on you to get on
my page this whole time. You
look at this mall as a Kingdom?!
Shit! I look at this place like a
motherfucking jail sentence. You
put on that uniform every morning,
but what are you really protecting?
Commerce and corporations and money.
Well I say, fuck that! I'm
a fucking outlaw and I'm going to
live that until the day I die. Now,
I can show you the way, but you've
got to be willing to accept it. So
I'm gonna ask you now, Ronnie. Are
you ready for a trip to the other side?
RONNIE
You're goddamn right I'm ready.
DENNIS
Alright then. Let's party.
CUT TO:
EXT. DUMPSTERS - DAY
Dennis and Ronnie hang in the back of the mall by the
dumpsters. Dennis sucks down a fat joint. He passes it
to Ronnie.
DENNIS
So, yeah, usually I take a joint
straight to the head before I
start work in this motherfucker,
but on really stressful days, I
like to get drunk too.
Dennis pulls out a flask and gulps it down. Ronnie is
still staring at the joint. Finally he takes a puff and
begins violently coughing. He finally stops.
(CONTINUED)
102.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Fuck it, give me the bottle.
Dennis hands Ronnie the bottle and he takes a big swig.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie and Dennis stand against a wall while they check
out booties of various shapes and sizes on all of the
girls that walk by.
DENNIS
So then I usually come in here and
perv out on girls for about an
hour or two. I hooked up twice
last week. One was this Asian
chick and the other was this mom.
She wasn't that hot, but what else
do I got to do?
Two high school girls walk by.
DENNIS
Sweet Jesus in the morning.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Ronnie and Dennis are hanging in a dressing room.
DENNIS
Dressing rooms are a great place
to hide out, because nobody is
really going to think of looking
for me here. You can nap or just
kind of hang out and just really
have some personal time. Hey,
hand me that camera.
Ronnie picks up a shitty camera and hands it to Dennis.
DENNIS
Thanks, Ronnie.
Dennis stands up on the bench and looks into the other
changing room. The two high school girls are changing
into other clothes. Dennis starts taking pictures of
them without them knowing.
CUT TO:
103.
EXT. DUMPSTERS - DAY
Ronnie is smoking a joint and so is Dennis.
DENNIS
Right before lunch I usually blaze
up again real good.
CUT TO:
EXT. MALL - DAY
Dennis and Ronnie walk by the skaters.
DENNIS
Hey, what's up, motherfuckers?!
STEVIE
What up, Big Den?!
DENNIS
You know, smokin' that good good.
STEVIE
Dude, why are you hanging out with
Ronnie?
RONNIE
Fuck you, Stevie!
DENNIS
Hey, Ronnie's alright. Let me see
that stick.
Stevie slides the skateboard over to Dennis. He jumps on
it and does a perfectly executed kick flip. The skaters
cheer!
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
Brandi is at the counter with Bruce. She helps a MALE
customer.
BRANDI
That'll be $39.99.
MALE
My wife's gonna love this perfume.
BRANDI
I hope so. It's my favorite.
(CONTINUED)
104.
CONTINUED:
Brandi looks past the Customer and sees Ronnie just
standing there staring daggers at her. Ronnie shakes his
head in disgust. The Male Customer turns around and sees
Ronnie. It's a weird little moment.
Dennis grabs Ronnie by the arm.
DENNIS
Come on, brother. Let's go.
Ronnie follows Dennis off.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
THIS BEGINS THE ROCKING MONTAGE OF MALL DESTRUCTION
INT. RECORD STORE - DAY
Ronnie stands in the store and looks down at his walkie.
MARK (V.O.)
(over the walkie)
Ronnie, we need you down at the
candy store. Some little brat has
been shoveling peanuts in his
mouth for the last hour.
Ronnie turns the walkie-talkie off.
Dennis runs behind the counter. Dennis drops the needle
on a ROCKIN' SONG. Dennis jumps on top of the counter
and starts jumping up and down with the music. He's
fucking drunk. Dennis jumps off the counter and tackles
Ronnie, knocking over a stand of DVD's.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie and Dennis ride on a mini railroad train for kids.
They both drink from the flask as they spin around the
track. It's full of nothing but kids and security.
CUT TO:
105.
INT. MALL - VICTORIA'S SECRET - DAY
The HOT SALES CLERK stands outside of the dressing room
wearing a sexy teddy with a G-string and garters.
Dennis and Ronnie are kicking back in the love seat and
watching. Dennis makes a motion for the Sales Clerk to
spin around. She reluctantly does as she is instructed.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - TOY STORE - DAY
Ronnie and Dennis play video games. A LITTLE KID tries
to take the controller from Dennis, but Dennis whips out
the handcuffs. He locks the Little Kid onto the display
case so the kid can't move.
CUT TO:
INT. ARCADE - DAY
Ronnie and Dennis play Skee-Ball, except Ronnie tosses
the balls to Dennis who is standing on top of the
machine. Dennis slam dunks the balls into the 100 point
hole. The tickets pour out.
CUT TO:
EXT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie and Dennis are driving in the golf cart and
they're both wearing those GIANT SUNGLASSES that they won
with arcade tickets. Behind them, Stevie and the other
Skaters hold onto the golf cart and get pulled on their
skateboards.
They race towards a loading ramp. Dennis floors it and
they go up the ramp and JUMP the golf cart into the air.
The golf cart and Skaters soar into the air. It holds
forever, until suddenly, the golf cart lands with a thud.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. MALL - NIGHT
The mall is basically empty as Dennis and Ronnie make the
final rounds. They get to the doors and lock up for the
night.
(CONTINUED)
106.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Dennis, I got to thank you for
today. Man, I was so down, but
you taught me that I don't need to
take things so seriously here. We
have a pointless existence. Who
gives a fuck?
DENNIS
Don't mention it, homey. I'm just
glad I got me a partner in crime.
RONNIE
A partner. I like that. You
know, I've never really had a
friend before, but I think that
this could be the beginning of a
real good thing.
Dennis unlocks the doors to the Gap.
DENNIS
You ain't even seen the best part.
After everybody leaves, I rob the
shit out of this place.
RONNIE
What do you mean?
DENNIS
I steal shit!
RONNIE
You're the one who's been robbing
the mall?
DENNIS
Hell yeah! Who'd you think it was?!
Dennis goes inside the Gap and just starts grabbing shit.
RONNIE
I can't believe this. Right in
front of my goddamn face this
whole time!
Dennis holds up a sweat shirt.
DENNIS
This probably will look good with
my complexion.
RONNIE
Dennis, I can't take part in this.
(CONTINUED)
107.
CONTINUED:
DENNIS
Ronnie, I thought you were down?!
What the fuck?! Here I am opening
up myself to you and you're just
gonna stick it to me like this.
What the fuck has this place ever
done for you? Don't you know that
people see us as jokes?! A
useless tool that's left in the
shed. Well that's not me. Not
now, not ever. I told you, I'm an
outlaw.
RONNIE
I can't let you rob the mall.
DENNIS
What the fuck you mean you can't
let me?
RONNIE
Come on, Dennis. We're best
friends, so just put that stuff
back and let's go get a beer.
DENNIS
Alright, Ronnie, you're right.
Dennis sets the shirts down.
DENNIS
I don't really know what I was
thinking. Robbing the mall?
Let's just go get that beer.
RONNIE
Good, man. That makes me feel
better.
Ronnie turns to walk, but Dennis grabs the hand of one of
the mannequins and rips it off. He takes the hand and
cracks Ronnie over the head with it. Ronnie goes down on
his knees.
DENNIS
See ya in Mexico, bitch.
Dennis cocks back and whacks Ronnie again. Ronnie's
lights go out.
108.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Dennis pulls out of the mall driving a HARLEY DAVIDSON.
He flips a joint into the air and peels out. He cruises
down the street. He passes a cop car and flips it off.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. CAROLINA MALL - MORNING
The JANITOR walks up the floor with a mop. Ronnie is
battered and bloodied from his fight with Dennis, but he
is wide awake and handcuffed to THE GAP.
RONNIE
Ramon, get your ass over here! Go
get my spare keys out of the office.
The Janitor looks at Ronnie, smiles, and calmly mops in
the other direction.
RONNIE
Ramon! Goddamn it get back here!
Go get my goddamn keys.
INT. MALL - MANAGER'S OFFICE - DAY
Mark sits across the desk from Ronnie and Charles.
MARK
How fucking stupid do you have to
be?! I mean Dennis. What the
fuck, Ronnie? How could you not
have known it was Dennis? Then,
how the fuck could you be so
stupid as to let him get away.
OBSERVE AND REPORT. Those are the
only two things you have to do and
you can't do those worth a shit.
RONNIE
Can I speak now?
MARK
Go ahead.
RONNIE
Are you sure?
MARK
Just start talking, Ronnie!
(CONTINUED)
109.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
It seems only natural that 'some
people' would want to blame me and
truth be told I do put a lot of
that blame on myself. But some
people might say that the cops are
to blame for not catching them.
Some people might say that the
reason this happened was the
undeniable fact that I was under-
equipped and quite frankly,
lacking a sufficient firearm. But
not me. I carry this loss alone
deep inside my heart.
MARK
Good. Because you're fired.
RONNIE
(PLAYFUL)
Fuck you.
MARK
I'm serious, Ronnie. I've always
liked you, but there's just no
excuse for this. Somebody is
going down and I'll be damned if
it's going to be me. Now, don't
make a big thing out of this.
Just pack your shit and get out by
the end of the day.
RONNIE
Wait a minute. I thought I could
trust you, Mark, and now you're
telling me that you're going to be
the one to put the knife in my
back. Fair weather friend you
are.
MARK
I'm not your friend, I'm your
boss.
RONNIE
You think you're so smart, Mark.
You don't know everything. If
you're firing me, then you can say
goodbye to your entire Security
staff. Because there is no
fucking way my team is going to
work here if you fire me. Isn't
that right, Charles?
(CONTINUED)
110.
CONTINUED:
CHARLES
Ronnie, I got to talk to you about
this. Mark asked me down here to
escort you out.
RONNIE
And you told him to fuck off,
right? Charles? Right?
CHARLES
What the fuck do you want from me,
Ronnie?
RONNIE
This isn't happening! Everybody
is fucking me over?! I hate you
all.
Charles stands up.
CHARLES
I'm sorry, Ronnie, but it's time
to go.
RONNIE
Wait a minute. I'll work for
free, Mark.
MARK
No, Ronnie.
RONNIE
I'll pay you.
MARK
Nope.
RONNIE
I love you.
MARK
Ronnie, Jesus have a little self-
respect.
RONNIE
You don't love me, Mark?
MARK
Ronnie, it's over.
Ronnie takes a deep breath. He stands up to leave.
Ronnie starts to walk out, but stops.
(CONTINUED)
111.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
Hey, Charles. Mark asked you down
here in case I got out of hand?
Well, get ready to earn your
money.
Ronnie cracks. He grabs a calendar and throws it on the
ground in a violent baby-like outburst.
MARK
Stop him!
Charles tries to grab Ronnie, but Ronnie pushes him off.
Ronnie knocks the framed pictures off of the wall. He
then opens the door and slams it into the wall over and
over again. That does nothing. Ronnie tries to rip the
cushion on the chair. He looks ridiculous.
CHARLES
Alright, Ronnie, that's enough.
Ronnie stops and begins to cry. Then he runs out of the
office in tears.
INT. RONNIE'S BEDROOM - DAY/NIGHT
Ronnie lies in his bed and we...
TIME LAPSE: The sun rises and sets three times through
the window of his bedroom, signifying that three days
have passed. The whole time, Ronnie doesn't move from
his bed.
Until...
Ronnie gets on his "nice" clothes, but they're a far cry
from his Security Guard uniform. Ronnie's Mom comes up
to him.
MOM
What's on the agenda for today?
RONNIE
I guess maybe look for a job or
something.
MOM
Well, I know you're sad about it,
but try to look on the bright
side.
(CONTINUED)
112.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
There is no bright side. My life
is over.
MOM
Ronnie, you may not be smart or
handsome, but you've got dreams
inside of you and dreams make you
special. No matter what this
world tries to throw at you, they
can never take those dreams away.
RONNIE
What the fuck are you talking
about, Mom?
MOM
I don't know. I'm drunk. I just
know that mothers are supposed to
talk like that to their children
when they're sad, so I tried.
What do you want from me?
RONNIE
Nothing. That's exactly what
you're supposed to do. I just
blew my life. I tried to be a big
shot, a hero and a stupid cop. I
wanted to be recognized for being
great. I should have just been
happy where I was at. I didn't do
my duty.
MOM
Ronnie, the other night when I
soiled my pants right before I
puked myself, I was thinking about
how you would come home and find
me and clean me up. I knew you
would be there to find me and take
care of me, so I was able to pass
out on the floor and not worry.
If there's one thing you know
about, it's duty.
RONNIE
I do it because I love you.
MOM
I know and I love you too, Ronnie.
I haven't always been easy to deal
with and most people would have
thrown me away a long time ago.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
113.
CONTINUED:
MOM (CONT'D)
Just like your father did. But
not you, Ronnie. Look, whiskey
was always the way I dealt with
being a single mother, but as I
get older, I know that I can't
keep doing this. I've got
everything I need with you. So I
want you to know that I'm ready to
make a change. Your life needs to
get easier and you don't need to
take care of old Mom anymore.
RONNIE
Are you going to quit drinking?
MOM
I'm switching to beer. I can
pound those all day and still keep
my shit together. I'm doing it
for you.
RONNIE
I'm so proud of you, Mom.
MOM
I'm proud of you. Now today is a
new day and we're going to get
through it. Now, get out there
and find what the world has in
store for you.
Ronnie's Mom leaves and Ronnie looks at himself in the
mirror. Then something catches his eye. Ronnie sees a
newspaper laying on the ground. He picks it up and
reads.
EXT. JAIL - DAY
Ronnie walks up the steps that lead to the local jail.
INT. JAIL - DAY
Ronnie walks into one of those booths where you can talk
to a prisoner on the opposite side of a Plexiglas
divider. Ronnie sits down in wait. Then, two GUARDS
appear escorting a handcuffed Dennis. Dennis takes a
seat and picks up the phone.
DENNIS
What's up, Ronnie? How you doing?
(CONTINUED)
114.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I've been better. You?
DENNIS
I'm holding it down in here.
RONNIE
Yeah, I heard they finally caught
up with you.
DENNIS
I know. I should have hit Mexico,
but, you know, I got stoned and
just kind of kicked with this girl
in Kannapolis for a while.
RONNIE
You know they fired me when they
found out you were the one who
robbed the mall.
DENNIS
Shit, dog. Sorry about that.
RONNIE
It's cool, but I need to know why
you did it.
DENNIS
I told you. I'm an outlaw.
RONNIE
Come on, Dennis.
DENNIS
Man, you want to know the real
reason?
RONNIE
Yeah.
DENNIS
Alright, I'll tell you. Man, that
gig was one of the best jobs I
ever had. I got to wear a
uniform, I could smoke weed
whenever I wanted. For once in my
life, I felt like I was actually
somebody. I know most people
don't think it's shit, but I
really loved it. Then, all of a
sudden, I find out that your ass
got promoted over me.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
115.
CONTINUED:
DENNIS (CONT'D)
After all I put into it, you're
the one that makes it to Head of
Mall Security. You know what it's
like to get passed over, Ronnie?
So I got pissed off. I started
robbing the joint as a way to get
at them for what they did to me.
But you know what, Ronnie?
RONNIE
What's that?
DENNIS
You ever love a girl so much that
you can't break up with her, so
the only thing you can do when she
pisses you off is smack her in the
goddamn face?
RONNIE
No, Dennis, I haven't.
DENNIS
Well, I have. And that's pretty
much how I felt about the job.
RONNIE
Thanks for talking to me, Dennis.
DENNIS
Well, it's the least I could do
after knocking you out and all.
Ronnie starts to hang up the phone.
DENNIS
Hey, Ronnie.
RONNIE
Yeah, Dennis.
DENNIS
Bail me out of here, old friend.
RONNIE
I can't do it, Dennis. You're now
a criminal who stopped caring, but
my crime is that I care too much.
Ronnie hangs up the phone and walks out.
116.
INT. MALL - DAY
Ronnie comes into the mall and makes his way down the
center of it, feeling naked without his uniform.
Charles, now wearing a mall security uniform, comes out
and stops Ronnie.
CHARLES
Ronnie, what are you doing back
here?
RONNIE
I just came to talk to Nell.
Don't get your panties in a wad,
I'm just here as any normal
patron.
CHARLES
Ronnie, dude, I've been all fucked
up in the head. I feel like shit
about what happened. I mean, here
I am, just looking to shuck
responsibility and I ended up
hurting you in the process. Look,
I should have been honest with
you. I don't give two shits about
this stupid job. But you do.
RONNIE
It's okay, Charles.
CHARLES
I've decided I'm going back to
college. Getting stoned and
studying beats this any day. I
realize that now. I realize that
there aren't any jobs where you
can avoid hard choices. Anyway,
take as long as you want at the
mall. I'll keep Mark off your
back.
RONNIE
Thanks, Charles.
INT. MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
Ronnie sees Nell sitting down and eating a Cinnabon.
Ronnie takes a seat at her table.
NELL
Ronnie, what are you doing here?
(CONTINUED)
117.
CONTINUED:
RONNIE
I got something I want to say.
NELL
I don't think we should be
talking.
RONNIE
I'll be quick. Nell, this is the
only job I was ever any good at.
I'm not a crime solver or right
hand of the law. I'm just a dumb
guy in a uniform who can't even
become a real policeman.
Somewhere along the way I started
to think I was something special,
someone whose shit didn't stink,
someone who deserved to date out
of my league. You know, I've
learned. My shit does stink. It
smells horrible. And you're also
out of my league, but for some
reason, you like the smell of my
shit. I guess what I'm saying
is...
Ronnie reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Mother's
disgusting yellow engagement ring, but for some reason,
it looks beautiful.
RONNIE
If you give me another chance,
I'll spend the rest of my life
making it up to you. And you can
call me sweetie in front of people
and I'll like it.
Nell thinks about it. She leans over the table and
kisses Ronnie.
Ronnie is stunned. With one kiss, Nell seems to make
everything okay. They stare at each other and the moment
seems to hold for an eternity. Love is in the air
until...
THE PERVERT STEPS IN FRONT OF THEM AND EXPOSES HIS DING-
A-LING!
Nell SCREAMS! The Pervert runs. Ronnie gets pissed!
RONNIE
Son of a bitch!!!
(CONTINUED)
118.
CONTINUED:
NELL
Oh, my God!
RONNIE
Are you alright?
NELL
I'm fine.
RONNIE
Shit, we should call somebody.
NELL
Ronnie.
RONNIE
Yeah?
NELL
Go get him.
Ronnie realizes that this is his duty and his alone.
Ronnie rises from the table slowly. He looks at Nell and
nods acceptance. Then, Ronnie runs after the Pervert.
INT. MALL - DAY
The Pervert is in a full blown run through the mall. His
trench coat is wide open and his wienie is flapping for
the world to see. In a way, it's his greatest
accomplishment. People scream! Mothers grab their
daughters! No one is safe!
CUT TO:
ANOTHER ANGLE
Ronnie comes ripping out of the food court. He's got a
fierce look of determination in his eyes. He runs hard
to catch up with the Perv.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER ANGLE
There's a crowd surrounding the Cell Phone Kiosk. The
Pervert bursts through the crowd and knocks people out of
the way.
SADDAMN
What the fuck, man?!
(CONTINUED)
119.
CONTINUED:
Ronnie comes running up behind him.
RONNIE
Get out of the way! Get out of
the way!
The crowd totally clears a path for Ronnie, but Ronnie
stops running and SUCKER PUNCHES SADDAMN. Saddamn goes
down hard and Ronnie rejoins the chase.
RONNIE
Stay the fuck away from my wife!
CUT TO:
THE PERVERT
runs past the skaters, who are hanging out on a bench.
STEVIE
Dude, that's fucking disgusting!
Ronnie comes running way far behind.
STEVIE
Hey, Ronnie, here!
Stevie slides his skateboard out for Ronnie to jump on.
Ronnie jumps like he is going to land on the skateboard
and sail to the finish line. However, when Ronnie's feet
touch the board, it goes shooting out from under him.
Ronnie slams onto the ground. All of the skaters start
laughing.
STEVIE
What a fucking douche!
Ronnie picks himself up and starts to run again. He only
makes it a little ways before he hits something slippery.
Ronnie falls onto the ground and cracks his head.
Ronnie lays on the ground and sees Ramon laughing against
a wall with a mop in his hands.
RONNIE
Okay, Ramon, we're fucking even!
Ronnie picks himself up and starts running again.
CUT TO:
120.
THE PERVERT
runs past VICTORIA'S SECRET. He stops at the doorway and
as if he can't resist, flashes the ladies in the store.
He takes off running again.
CUT TO:
RONNIE
as he runs by the RECORD STORE, which of course is
BLASTING MUSIC. Ronnie stops at the doorway.
RONNIE
Turn it down. Turn it down.
The Record Store guy turns the MUSIC DOWN. Ronnie goes
back to his chase.
CUT TO:
THE PERVERT
runs past Mark. He looks around at all the people staring.
MARK
Okay, show's over. Enjoy your
shopping experience at Carolina
Mall.
Ronnie runs past Mark.
MARK
Jesus.
(calling out)
Charles!
Charles comes running up.
CHARLES
What is it?
MARK
Call the police. And go get
Ronnie.
CHARLES
He's trying to help.
MARK
Just do what I ask you.
Charles runs after them. Ronnie sees Charles coming and
runs faster. Charles is moving in on him.
(CONTINUED)
121.
CONTINUED:
CHARLES
Hey, Ronnie!
Ronnie turns around to see Charles as he flings him a
giant flashlight. Ronnie catches it.
RONNIE
Fuck yeah!
Ronnie starts running again, but this time, he's a little
more together.
CUT TO:
THE PERVERT
has made his way through the whole mall at this point,
but Ronnie is right on his ass. The Pervert is heading
toward the DEPARTMENT STORE.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
The Pervert comes barreling in and the ladies at the
perfume and make-up counters SCREAM.
He looks like he's charging straight at Brandi. He's
getting closer.
BOOM! Ronnie comes in from the side and nails the
Pervert with the flashlight. Ronnie jumps on top of the
Perv and beats the ever-living shit out of him. This is
a vision of a man leaving all out on the field.
Ronnie stops pounding and looks up. He sees Brandi
staring at him. Ronnie is overcome by anger and beats on
the Pervert harder than ever before. Finally, Charles
comes in and pulls Ronnie off of him.
A huge crowd has gathered around. Ronnie has blood all
over him. Ronnie picks the Pervert up and holds him
tightly by the arms. Mark comes running up.
CHARLES
You want to report this to the
police.
RONNIE
Hell no. I'm taking him down
myself.
Ronnie starts to walk away with the Pervert.
(CONTINUED)
122.
CONTINUED:
MARK
Hey, Ronnie.
Ronnie stops and turns around. Mark tosses Ronnie a set
of keys.
MARK
Good job, Ronnie.
RONNIE
Thank you, sir.
Ronnie leads the Pervert outside.
On the way, he passes Brandi.
BRANDI
Good job, Ronnie.
RONNIE
I don't love you!
BRANDI
I don't love you either.
RONNIE
Fine.
The customers and employees of the mall CLAP for Ronnie.
This is his finest moment.
CUT TO:
INT. GOLF CART - DAY
Ronnie is stuck in traffic. He looks ridiculous in the
orange golf cart on a city street with a Pervert chained
up beside him, but Ronnie could care less.
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
The golf cart pulls up to the police station and Ronnie
gets out with the Perv. Ronnie walks up the front steps
and all of the officers part and let him through.
Detective Harrison is at the top of the stairs. Ronnie
walks right up to him.
RONNIE
I caught the Pervert.
(CONTINUED)
123.
CONTINUED:
DETECTIVE HARRISON
I see that. Well, you better turn
him over to me and I'll take him
inside and book him.
RONNIE
Since you're a real Cop, right?
DETECTIVE HARRISON
Hey, Ronnie, you may not be an
officer of the law, but you're the
law's right hand. Good job.
Ronnie lets go of the Pervert. He nods to Harrison, then
turns his back and walks back down the steps. Ronnie
gets into his golf cart and drives away.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
EXT. CAROLINA MALL - MORNING
Ronnie stands in front of the Mall with Nell beside him.
Ronnie looks nervous, but Nell looks down at her yellow
ring with pride. She looks at Ronnie, sees a loose
eyelash and brushes it off of him.
RONNIE
What are you doing?!
NELL
You had an eyelash?
RONNIE
I'm trying to remember my speech.
NELL
Sorry.
Nell looks straight ahead, but smiles as Ronnie tries to
take himself serious.
FEMALE REPORTER
Okay, Ronnie, we're ready for you.
Ronnie takes a deep breath and walks over to where the
LOCAL NEWS has set up a camera and microphone.
FEMALE REPORTER
Okay, we rolling?
CAMERAMAN
Rolling.
(CONTINUED)
124.
CONTINUED:
FEMALE REPORTER
Good evening. We're here today
with Ronnie Barnhardt, head of
Mall Security here at Carolina
Mall. Last week, Ronnie was able
to catch The CAROLINA MALL FLASHER
single-handed and bring him to
justice. Ronnie, how did you
manage to find the identity of The
Pervert and take him down?
RONNIE
Well, being a mall security guard
basically requires the same skill
set that someone in say the FBI
has. You have to use logic and
evidence and old-fashioned common
sense as well as the latest
technology to deduce the criminal
mind. It's what I do.
All of a sudden, STEVIE AND THE SKATERS come up behind
Ronnie. They look into the camera lens and start
smiling. Ronnie turns around and sees them, but tries to
focus on the reporter.
FEMALE REPORTER
Any last words for the folks at
home.
RONNIE
Yeah, I'd just like to say that
Carolina Mall is back on track and
safer than ever...
The Skaters start flipping off the camera. Ronnie keeps
getting distracted.
RONNIE
In fact, there are some wonderful
sales taking place right now.
Stevie walks up behind Ronnie and pretends to hump him.
RONNIE
So for all you families out there,
come on down and see us. It's a
wonderful place.
Ronnie turns around angrily.
RONNIE
THAT'S IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
(CONTINUED)
125.
CONTINUED:
THE SKATERS jump on their skateboards and skate off.
Ronnie runs after them. He jumps into his GOLF CART and
gives chase.
The NEWS CAMERA is still rolling. The FEMALE REPORTER
looks into the lens.
FEMALE REPORTER
You heard it, folks. Everything
is back to normal here at Carolina
Mall. Back to you, Lindsay.
CUT TO BLACK.
THE END
| Observe and Report
Writers : Jody Hill
Genres : Comedy Crime Drama
User Comments
|
|
