RICKY STANICKY
Written by
Jeff Bushell
November 13, 2009
TITLE CARD: "1990"
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Halloween night. Trick or treating is long over. The only
kids still out are the trouble makers. Here are three of
them, walking through the woods, still in costume. TED 10,
is Maverick from Top Gun. JT, 10, is Freddie Kruger and WES,
10, is a dog. Ted and JT wear jackets over their costumes.
Ted carries a paper bag of dog poo and a lighter.
JT
(to Wes)
A dog? That's your costume? Lame.
WES
Not just a dog. A dog with a
boner. Check it out.
He points down to his crotch where he has attached a
retractable red sharpie. He pushes the button and the red
tip comes out.
TED
Shh! This is the place.
Ted indicates a house.
EXT. HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Lights in the windows and the SOUND of a television. Ted
places the bag on the porch and lights it. JT presses the
doorbell. They dash off into the bushes, barely able to
contain themselves.
A BEAT. No one answers.
Ted runs up and rings the bell again. Still no answer. The
fire in the bag grows.
WES
That fire is kinda big. Should we
put it out?
TED
Nah. The guy will answer in a
second.
A gust of wind lifts the flaming bag into the wooden front
door. It bursts into flames.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 2.
TED (CONT'D)
Okay, put it out. Put it out.
They run up to stamp it out but the whole porch is now in
flames.
TED (CONT'D)
Never mind. Run away. Run away.
They run back to the woods.
EXT. WOODS - CONTINUOUS
The boys look back at the fiery house, just a few yards away.
WES
We're so dead.
JT
Oh yeah. We're going to jail and
the older kids are going to make us
their bitches.
WES
I'm too young to be a bitch.
TED
Wait. I got an idea. JT give me
your jacket.
JT
Use your own shitty jacket. This
is a North Face. Cost like 200
dollars.
Ted shows him his name tag is sewn in.
TED
It can't have a name tag. Come on.
The firemen will be here any
minute.
(off JT's resistance)
Do you want to be someone's bitch?!
Jt takes off his jacket and gives it to Ted.
TED (CONT'D)
Now we need a pen.
(realizing)
Wes, your dick!
Wes tries to take the sharpie off his costume's crotch, but
it's stuck.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 3.
WES
It's stuck. I can't get it off.
TED
Fine, you write.
He places the Jacket with the tag exposed below Wes.
TED (CONT'D)
We need a common name...
WES
Uh... Ricky.
TED
That's good. Write that.
Wes writes "RICKY" on the tag.
TED (CONT'D)
And a last name. Uh...
Ted looks over at the street sign now illuminated by the
burning house. "STANLEY DRIVE."
TED (CONT'D)
Stan --
JT
(suddenly)
Stanicky.
TED
Don't write th--
Wes has written it already.
WES
k-y. Stanicky!
Ted looks at JT like what was that.
JT
It's a common enough name.
SIRENS are starting in the background. Ted grabs the jacket
and runs back to the house. He touches the jacket to the
fire. It burns for a few moments. He then stamps it out and
throws it on the bushes and runs off. We hold on the jacket.
PUSH IN ON THE HANDWRITTEN NAME TAG. "RICKY STANICKY."
PULL OUT ON THE NAME TAG. A fire CHIEF is lifting the jacket
off the bushes.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 4.
EXT. HOUSE - A FEW HOURS LATER
The house is burnt to the ground. Firemen douse some still
smouldering sections. Locals in pajamas and kids still in
costumes mill around, observing. The chief holds up the
jacket to another fireman.
CHIEF
Judging from the size of this
jacket, we got a junior arsonist on
our hands. Kid probably caught
himself on fire during his prank,
peeled it off and left it. And
here's the best part. His mother
wrote his name in it.
He points to the name tag.
FIREMAN #1
Ricky Stanicky? What kind of name
is that?
CHIEF
Sounds like a punk to me. I'll
call it in to the police.
The chief walks off. From the woods, the boys look on
amazed.
EXT. ANOTHER STREET - LATER
The boys walk alone.
WES
That was the greatest thing ever.
JT
Yeah, we should use that excuse all
the time. We could be like, "Ricky
Stanicky stole my homework. Or
Ricky Stanicky took the car out."
TED
Are you crazy? It's way too
dangerous. We're never using that
name again. Agreed?
A beat. Wes and JT nod.
WES/JT
Agreed.
FADE OUT.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 5.
FADE IN:
"20 YEARS LATER"
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A well furnished apartment. On one wall is a glass case of
Swarovsky collectible miniatures. ERIN, 28, sets the table
for a dinner party. TED, now 29, enters carrying a few
shopping bags. He drops his blackberry on the table.
TED
I got the wine and the cheese. And
I slipped the tomato guy an extra
ten bucks so he'd give me the
heirloom tomatoes from his secret
stash. Smell this.
He takes out a gorgeous tomato. She takes a whiff.
ERIN
My god. I want to fuck that tomato.
She puts it on the cutting board, ready to chop.
TED
Whoa. Maybe we should save this
baby for later. When we're alone.
She snatches it back, playfully.
ERIN
Ted, I really appreciate this. I
know you wanted to see the fight
tonight.
TED
You've been planning this for
weeks. And your boss is coming.
Who cares about some silly fight?
Erin kisses Ted. As Ted carries the shopping bags over to
the fridge, his blackberry (still on the table), BUZZES.
Erin looks over at it.
On the screen: A text message reads: CALL ME. SENDER:
Ricky Stanicky. Erin looks concerned.
ERIN
It's Ricky.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 6.
TED
I'll call him later.
ERIN
But Ted, he's been so sick.
TED
Don't worry about Ricky. He's a
fighter.
ERIN
But... the cancer. It might have
come out of remission.
TED
How much damage can cancer do in
one night? It's more of a long
excruciating illness.
JT, 20's and SUSAN, 20's enter. JT carries a small container
of Fleur de Sel.
JT
We got your French salt. Fleur de
Sel. Shit was expensive.
SUSAN
It wasn't that bad.
JT
Really? Why does salt cost 28
bucks? Did some French knight
climb some dragon infested cliff
and scrape it off with his raper.
SUSAN
Raper?
JT
You know. It's a French sword.
SUSAN
That's a rapier, JT. A rapier.
JT
I took French for 6 years, Suze.
Fleur de Sel. Raper.
SUSAN
You're a moron.
They stop, seeing Erin's concerned look.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 7.
SUSAN (CONT'D)
What's wrong?
ERIN
It's Ricky. He texted Ted but Ted
won't call him back.
JT
Dude. You gotta call him. What
about the cancer?
TED
It's cancer okay? Not the cancer.
Don't make it sound worse than it
is. It's not like, I don't know,
swine flu. That shit kills people.
ERIN
So does cancer.
TED
I'll call him but it's going to be
quick. We've got a dinner party.
Ted picks up the phone and dials. A beat.
TED (CONT'D)
What's up?... Surgery?...
Tonight?... they're going to remove
the testicle?... Oh man...
ERIN
Oh my God.
Ted listens in.
TED
(to Erin)
He said don't worry. That's why
God gave us two.
JT
True. Look at what Lance Armstrong
did. Biked over the Alps on one
ball.
Susan looks at JT.
SUSAN
Is it sheer desperation that made
me marry you?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 8.
TED
(then to phone)
Our prayers are with you, brother.
Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'm
getting into the car and driving up
to San Francisco. I'll bring you a
French dip sandwich from
Pierre's... Sure JT'll come...
He'll bring the clown nose and do
the "Patch Adams..." Okay cool...
I love you too, man.
Ted holds up his arm. He's wearing a a Livestrong bracelet.
TED (CONT'D)
I'm holding up the bracelet. You
know I am.
Ted hangs up.
ERIN
You have to go up there tonight.
He's going in for a major
operation.
TED
It's just a ball. You can live
without those. Look at JT.
JT
Dude.
ERIN
I'll come with you. I've never met
him anyway so it'll be a chance for
us to get acquainted.
TED
Your boss is coming. You have to
be here.
A beat.
ERIN
You can't drive alone. Take JT.
JT
I don't know. I was looking
forward to that 28 dollar salt.
SUSAN
Yeah, you don't need to go. We're
supposed to go antiquing.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 9.
TED
It's fine. I'll drink some Red
Bull. It's only a five hour drive.
Maybe seven with Friday night
traffic.
ERIN
Susan, you've got to let JT go.
Last time we took a road trip up
the Five, Ted nodded off.
TED
It was just a cat nap. I woke up
on the shoulder.
Erin looks at Susan, pleading. Susan looks at JT.
SUSAN
Aaah. Just go.
JT
Suze, you're the best.
JT kisses Susan.
TED
Ricky is going to appreciate this
so much.
Ted gives Erin a kiss. Ted and JT are halfway out the door
when Ted stops.
TED (CONT'D)
Almost forgot.
He walks to the closet and pulls out a red clown nose. He
pops it on JT's nose and they exit.
INT. APARTMENT CARPORT - CONTINUOUS
Ted and JT open the Ted's car door we hear COUGHING and a
cloud of smoke wafts out. In the backseat is WES, now grown
up (29). He's chubby, rumpled and baked. He holds a fat
joint in one hand and the cellphone that sent the "Ricky
Stanicky" text messages in the other.
WES
What took you so long? Flight's in
a half hour.
TED
Didn't I tell you no weed in my
car?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 10.
WES
I blew the smoke out of the window.
Ted raps his knuckles on the glass.
TED
The window is closed.
WES
God damn it, I'm high.
EXT. BURBANK AIRPORT - LATER
Ted, Wes and JT weave through the terminal and pull up to the
valet parking area.
INT. BURBANK AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER
The guys race past the terminals until they reach a gate with
a sign that says, "FLIGHT 131 to LAS VEGAS".
NOW BOARDING
The flight attendant is about to close the gate. The guys
race up with their boarding passes.
EXT. SKY - DAY
A plane banks over the Las Vegas Strip.
EXT. STRIP - DAY
A limo pulls up to the MGM grand. The guys climb out. They
look psyched.
INT. MGM GRAND BOXING ARENA - CONTINUOUS
A LARGE MARQUEE READS: UFC CHAMPIONSHIP.
The guys are ringside, watching the fight.
They drink beers and cheer. A mouthpiece flies into Wes'
beer. He fishes it out and holds it up like he caught a foul
ball.
A fighter connects with a perfect round house kick knocking
the other fighter out cold. Ted, Wes and JT leap to their
feet, cheering.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 11.
The guys stroll out holding beers. On top of the world. Ted
raises his cup.
TED
To Ricky Stanicky, the best friend
we never had.
The guys clink cups.
INT. BAR - LATER
JT, Wes and Ted make their way to the bar. They are still
pumped from the fight.
WES
I'm buying this round.
Wes takes out his only credit card and is about to hand it to
the bartender when Ted snatches it away.
TED
Rule number eight of Ricky
Stanicky, never leave a paper
trail. Besides you don't even have
a job.
Ted hands Wes back his credit card. But Wes pulls out a wad
of scrunched up bills.
WES
That's all about to change. Today
I had a huge breakthrough. I was
flipping channels and ended up on
Sesame Street and suddenly Cookie
Monster turns to me and says, "Wes,
me need to talk to you. Me think
you need to change your life."
Normally I wouldn't be that
interested in the advice of a
talking puppet but it's ten am on a
Friday, I'm holding a six foot bong
and I've just eaten a box of cold
hot pockets. So I'm like, "Me
think that too. But what should me
do?" And he's like, "me think you
need to write a children's book
about pot." Then he lifts up
Prairie Dawn, flips open her foam
scalp and takes a huge bong hit
from her head.
JT
Wow.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 12.
WES
I know. It's the idea of the
century. A pot themed kid's book.
It's going to teach kids about pot
when they're young so by the time
they grow up and become our future
law makers and leaders they can
legalize it. I'm not talking about
some "Curious George" picture book
shit. I'm talking about a
political movement.
TED
Inspired by cookie monster?
WES
Don't you get it!? This is so much
bigger than cookie monster.
JT
Wes, what parent would ever buy
that for their kid?
ROD (O.S.)
I'd buy that book for my kid.
ROD, 30, a very drunk man wearing a pirate costume and an eye
patch sits at the bar in front of an empty glass. He has
about 3000 dollars worth of dead sports book tickets in front
of him. And the remains of a plate of ribs.
ROD (CONT'D)
Even if it turns out that he's not
mine. I'm still waiting on the
test results.
TED
Looks like you got the pirate
parent audience.
ROD
So let's make a deal. Buy me a
drink now and I promise to buy your
book later.
TED
Maybe next time, Captain.
ROD
Wish I was the Captain. I'm Pirate
#3 from Treasure Island's
"Fightin' Buccaneers" show. I
should be Pirate #1. But Milt
Conrad JR. won't give me a chance.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 13.
ROD (CONT'D)
Stupid directors think they know
everything.
TED
Right. Milt Conrad, JR. Okay,
have a good one.
Ted and Rod and Wes return to their drinks. Rod is not done
yet. He chews a rib thoughtfully, then...
ROD
I get it. Why should you just buy
me a drink for free? What have I
done to earn it? But you're in
luck. I'm an actor. I'll perform
for it.
JT
Cool. Act like Sling Blade.
TED
My two year old nephew can do Billy
Bob from "Sling Blade." Do
Shakespeare.
ROD
The Bard. Good choice.
Rod looks at the BARTENDER.
ROD (CONT'D)
Greg, turn down the music for a
second, I'm going to perform.
BARTENDER
No. I threw you out of here two
days ago.
Ted takes out a twenty and puts it on the bar.
TED
Let him do it. Then throw him out
again.
Annoyed, the bartender lowers the volume. Rod stands
silently. Lost in thought.
TED (CONT'D)
Pirate #3?
ROD
What?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 14.
TED
You going to do Shakespeare?
ROD
Oh yeah. Sorry.
Another long beat.
TED
Dude, the "Bard?"
ROD
Oh yeah, right.
Another long beat.
TED
This isn't happening. Let's go
find seats.
The guys grab their drinks and are walking off when --
ROD
(perfect English accent)
But soft! What light through
yonder window breaks! It is the
East, and Juliet is the sun!
The guys are stunned. Rod is amazing.
WES
Wow.
TED
Now do it as Sling Blade.
ROD
(Sling Blade voice)
That thou her maid art far more
fair than she, be not her maid,
since she is envious
JT
Christopher Walken.
ROD
(as Christopher Walken)
her bestial livery is but sick and
green and none but fools do wear
it. Cast it off. It is my lady!
WES
Optimus Prime.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 15.
ROD
(as Optimus Prime)
O, it is my love! O, that she knew
she were!
JT
Harvey Keitel.
ROD
Who the fuck is Harvey Keitel?
TED
A pirate!
ROD
(as a pirate)
Aarggh, two of the fairest stars in
all the heaven, Havin' some
business do entreat her eyes to
twinkle --
WES
Chewbacca!
ROD
(indecipherable Chewbacca
speak)
The bar erupts in APPLAUSE.
TED
That was the greatest thing I've
ever seen.
ROD
Thank, you. You are too kind.
Rod takes a bow and falls over. The guys help him back up.
TED
Buy that pirate whatever he wants.
ROD
Three Heinekens, a whiskey chaser
and a rack of ribs. And instead of
the side of veggies, can I get a
side of ribs?
BARTENDER
Whatever.
The bartender hands the order to a server. He then serves
Rod's four drinks. Rod does the shot and downs a Heineken.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 16.
JT
You look like you could use some
vegetables.
ROD
Fool! Pirates don't eat vegetables!
(then)
Hey, if you ever need my services,
take this.
Rod takes out his wallet. It's mainly empty except for some
funny money from Spearmint Rhino. He removes a dirty
business card.
IT READS: ROD, ENTERTAINER! 555-2738. The number is crossed
out in pen. Under it the number 555 3967 is hand written.
TED
Uh thanks... Rod.
A waiter brings up the plate of ribs. Rod spots a
bachelorette party in the corner of the bar.
ROD
Oooh, bachelorette party. Gotta
run.
("duty calls")
Booty calls!
(he laughs really hard at
his joke, then, confused)
Why the fuck am I laughing?
Rods gathers up his beer and ribs and exits towards the
bachelorettes.
EXT. BAR - LATER
It's late. The place is nearly empty. Ted is on the phone
with Erin. Wes sits behind him making the sound of a heart
monitor.
WES
Boo wip. Boo wip.
TED
Ricky really appreciated it, Erin.
He's resting now but he came
through with flying colors.
ERIN
Good. Well, we missed you but it
was great. And my boss loved the
tomato.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 17.
TED
I'm really glad it worked out.
ERIN
Ted, it's so amazing what you did
for Ricky. You're awesome.
TED
No. It really wasn't that big a
deal.
ERIN
No. You worked long hours all
week. For my dad, who's not the
easiest person. Then you drove all
night to be at your friend's side.
You missed the fight. You won't
get to see any football tomorrow.
Your whole weekend got ruined so I
went on Stub Hub and got you two
tickets to see Pearl Jam tomorrow
night.
This girl is awesome. Ted feels terrible.
TED
Pearl Jam?
ERIN
They were really expensive but I
know they're you're favorite band.
And if you want to take JT or Wes
and just hang with the guys, I
totally understand. I don't need
to go. I just wanted you to have
some fun.
TED
Erin, that's... uh... that's...
I... I love you.
ERIN
I love you, too.
Some drunk girls walk past in the B.G.
DRUNK GIRL
(screams)
I'll fuck anybody in here.
ERIN
What was that?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 18.
TED
They were uh... rolling a girl up
to the burn ward... I don't think
she's going to make it... and she
just wants one final chance at
love.
ERIN
That's so sad. Maybe you should
get Wes together with her. He
really needs to get laid.
WES
Hey, that's not --.
JT elbows him.
WES (CONT'D)
BOO WIP.
TED
I think Ricky's waking up. I have
to go.
Ted hangs up.
TED (CONT'D)
Did you just hear that? Tickets to
Pearl Jam. I'm a bastard. The
biggest bastard that ever lived.
JT
Take me. Wes always gets
claustrophobic at concerts.
WES
That was one time at U2. And
someone got trampled to death.
TED
That's the coolest thing anyone has
ever done for me. I lied my ass
off and she bought me Pearl Jam
tickets!
JT
So you're taking me?
TED
No.
JT
Dick.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 19.
WES
Yes!!
(sings)
OH I'M STILL ALIVE / I'M...
TED
Not you either. I'm taking Erin.
Now give me the bible.
JT
Now, let's see some strippers.
TED
You know how this works. In the
bible we record every detail of
what we said about Ricky to whom we
said it as soon as possible. So we
never ever contradict our story.
That's why we never get caught.
Wes takes out a ragged notebook with "Ricky Stanicky" on the
cover. Ted grabs it and flips through the pages looking for
a blank one. JT peers over Ted's shoulder looking at the
entries.
JT
(re: the bible)
Remember when you told Maureen
Mahoney that you were in love with
Ricky Stanicky and you were moving
to Thailand to get married.
Wes LAUGHS.
WES
Oh and remember when we told Susan
that --
TED
Can we focus, please?
(writing)
June 20, 2009. Told Erin that
Ricky had testicular cancer.
Removed one ball, left,... What
did I say he said about it...
earlier?
JT
Uh... I think it was "it's okay,
that's why god gave us two."
Ted writes that down.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 20.
WES
Don't forget the Livestrong
bracelet... You held it up.
JT
That was a nice touch.
TED
Okay. Good.
Ted stops writing. He closes the bible.
TED (CONT'D)
Okay, this is officially the final
entry in the long and infamous
history of Ricky Stanicky.
WES
What?
TED
I'm done. I'm not doing it
anymore.
JT
Why?
TED
Because I don't want to lie to
Erin.
JT
What's the big deal? You've been
using the Ricky excuse with your
girlfriends since 7th grade.
TED
But they were never as cool as
Erin. She's so funny and strong
and intelligent. And the Pearl Jam
tickets.
JT
I bet when she's not around you
actually jerk off to her.
WES
I know I do.
TED
(to Wes)
Please don't do that anymore.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 21.
WES
Okay.
TED
Talking to her tonight, I realized
that I don't want to lie to her and
I don't have to. She's that cool.
I'm gonna marry her.
JT
Then you definitely can't retire
Ricky. He's the only thing that
keeps my marriage alive.
WES
You need to think this one through,
Ted. You've been drinking.
JT
Don't worry, Wes. He's said this
before. Like right after we burnt
down that house on Halloween.
JT snatches the bible and holds it up, leafing through all
the pages.
JT (CONT'D)
We only used it like forty five
times after that.
Ted snatches the bible back.
TED
This time it's over. Wes, hand
over the Ricky phone.
Wes grudgingly hands Ted the cell phone. Ted pockets it.
TED (CONT'D)
Gentlemen. It's the end of an era.
Let's have one final toast. To
Ricky Stanicky, the best friend we
never had.
Wes and JT grudgingly raise their glasses. Ted looks
satisfied. He's made the right choice.
EXT. LAMBERT AND LAMBERT - DAY
A SIGN READS: LAMBERT AND LAMBERT: A FINANCIAL SERVICES
CORPORATION
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 22.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
A group of men and women sit around a massive conference room
table in a glass walled room with a view of the city.
HAROLD LAMBERT, 50's, imposing is addressing the group. He
holds up a Mont Blanc Pen.
LAMBERT
This is the same pen that I gave
Jimmy Robbins when I made him head
of sales. It's a fine writing
instrument. Perfectly weighted,
gold inlaid, solid onyx. And then
Robbins betrayed me. The man who I
considered family took four major
clients and went to Garson and
Taylor. Let me just say this, if I
ever see Jimmy Robbins again, I
will jam this fine writing
instrument into his heart and I
will drink his blood as it spurts
out of his aorta. Now, we need a
replacement. I would like to
promote from within. Remember, I
cherish loyalty. But if you betray
me.
He jams the pen repeatedly into a Danish. ANGLE ON Ted and
JT, dressed business casual, watching, mildly horrified.
LAMBERT (CONT'D)
That's all for now, people. Ted.
My office.
INT. LAMBERT'S OFFICE - DAY
Lambert sits in an incredible office overlooking Los Angeles.
Ted tries to get comfortable in the chair across from him.
There is a serious looking family picture of Lambert, his
daughters, Erin and Sarah, and his wife, Clare.
LAMBERT
Uncomfortable?
TED
No. I'm good.
LAMBERT
You're sitting in the most
uncomfortable chair I could find.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 23.
LAMBERT (CONT'D)
I bought it because I want the
person across from me to be
uncomfortable.
TED
Really?
LAMBERT
Make people uncomfortable and they
know you're in control. When
you're in control you own them. So
how's my daughter?
TED
Great...
Lambert looks at him hard.
LAMBERT
What's wrong?
TED
The chair...
LAMBERT
She speaks very highly of you.
TED
Thanks. She's a great girl.
LAMBERT
I've never met a man that's good
enough for her. And I'm certain
it's not you.
TED
I appreciate your honesty, chief.
LAMBERT
No you don't. But you seem like a
good employee. And Erin likes you a
great deal. Her opinion is
important to me. Ted, you keep
this up, you could end up as the
new head of sales. Just don't
disappoint me. Or --
Lambert slashes his pen viciously through the air.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - DAY
JT and Wes are playing WII. Ted is a reading a magazine.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 24.
WES
What did we do before Wii?
JT
Honestly, I don't remember.
Erin and Susan enter.
TED
You guys have fun at the outlets?
Ted gives Erin a kiss.
ERIN
So fun. I got you a shirt and some
jeans.
TED
Thanks.
ERIN
And while we were out, Susan had
the best idea. We want to invite
Ricky to your 30th birthday party.
TED
Ricky?
SUSAN
You guys are always talking about
him. How much a part of your lives
he is. But we've never met him.
Which is a little bit odd, don't
you think?
WES
Nah.
ERIN
And this is a big birthday.
Thirty. He has to come.
TED
It's not that big. Forty is the
real milestone these days.
SUSAN
He has to. Especially since he
couldn't be at our wedding, which
seems a little strange, don't you
think, JT?
JT
Uh...
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 25.
TED
We might have to wait months. I
think his missionary work in South
America lasts until the spring.
SUSAN
That's funny, because JT was out
with him just the other night.
JT
He flew back in early. The Amazon
flooded and washed away the
village.
Ted looks at JT.
ERIN
So you'll have him come right?
TED
Uh... well... I'll do my best.
INT. RESTAURANT - LATER
Ted, Wes and JT are sitting in a booth.
JT
Susan caught me coming back from a
strip club. So I told her that I
was there with Ricky. We were
trying to rescue some girl from a
life of sin and bring her back to
her family.
TED
What is wrong with you?
JT
You try getting married. It's the
same woman day after day. Month
after month. Year after year.
TED
You've only been married five
months!
JT
It's not normal! We never have
sex. And when we do, it's with
each other!
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 26.
TED
You know the rules! We always use
Ricky as a group. Never alone. We
only use it in cases of emergency.
And we never use it to cheat or to
go strip clubs. Also, he was
supposed to be retired!
JT
Well you weren't using him anymore
so I just said F the rules.
TED
The rules were the only thing that
kept something like this from
happening. At least Wes has the
sense to follow them.
Wes is still silent.
TED (CONT'D)
Oh no. What did you do?
WES
Uh, here's the thing... Nana has
busted me with some stuff over the
past few months.
QUICK CUT TO:
INT. NANA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Sitting in a wheel chair. Wes's grandma, NANA holds up a
bong. Her cane lies across her lap.
WES
That's Ricky Stanicky's bong.
JUMP CUT TO:
Nana holds up a samurai sword.
WES (CONT'D)
That's Ricky Stanicky's sword.
JUMP CUT TO:
Nana holds a flesh colored, rubbery "Pocket Pussy."
WES (CONT'D)
That's Ricky Stanicky's pocket
pussy.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 27.
NANA
Watch your mouth!!
Nana hits Wes with her cane.
WES
Pocket vagina, I mean.
She hits him again.
NANA
Wesley!
WES
Vagina's a medical term!
She hits him again so hard she breaks her cane.
WES (CONT'D)
God damn it, Nana.
She grabs the pocket pussy and wails on him with it.
BACK TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
Wes is still talking.
WES
If Nana finds out I've been lying
to her she'll kick me out of the
house. She kicked my cousin Oliver
out last year because he gave away
the ending of an episode of "Murder
She Wrote."
JT
Nana'll find out if Susan and Erin
do. Susan will call her just to
spite us.
TED
Just when I think I'm out, you pull
me back in.
(then)
Because you guys suck so hard,
she's going to find out that I've
been lying to her and she's going
to leave me.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 28.
WES
What about all those golf rounds
with Ricky that you charged to the
company?
TED
I did that before we retired him.
And you guys played too!
JT
Lambert finds out about those and
the lies you told his daughter and
he's going give you a Mont Blanc
tracheotomy.
TED
(a beat)
Maybe I can tell Erin the truth.
Beg her for forgiveness. Buy her
tickets to the ballet. She loves
the ballet. And I always blow it
off.
JT
That'll work. She'll forgive you.
Right before she leaves you for a
richer, better looking guy who's
not a total asshole.
TED
I don't have much of a choice.
WES
What about us? If this comes out
I'll end up living in a cardboard
box.
JT
If this comes out, my dick will end
up in a cardboard box.
TED
But --
WES
Ted, please --
TED
Okay... let me think.
A beat. The waiter walks up with the check. Ted opens his
wallet and takes out his credit card. As he does, Rod's
grimy business card falls out. He looks at it.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 29.
ROD
"ENTERTAINER"
INT. GOLD COAST ROOM - LATER
A cellphone RINGS somewhere in a trashed suite. A hand digs
through an avalanche of beer bottles and drink cups and finds
the phone, partially submerged in a warm cup of beer.
The hand brings the dripping wet phone up to its ear. Widen
to REVEAL Rod holding the phone. He's face down and bare
assed, lying in between two naked girls from a bachelorette
party. He wears a penis shape balloon around his head.
ROD
This is Pirate number three.
INT. AIRPORT - LATER
The guys stand at the gate watching the people mover.
JT
It'll never work. He's a mess.
TED
You saw the performance he gave at
the bar.
WES
But he's not like Ricky at all.
He's a total fraud.
TED
All we need is a few good hours out
of him. We sober him up, we dress
him up. We teach him everything he
needs to know. He comes to the
party. Tells a couple of stories.
Then we pay him a thousand bucks,
put him on a plane and send him
home. And we never use the excuse
again.
In the distance we see Rod on the people mover. Four days
beard growth. Shades. A duffle bag over his shoulder. He
sees them and waves enthusiastically.
TED (CONT'D)
See, it's going to be great.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 30.
The waving is apparently too strenuous and he falls over on
the people mover. JT and Wes look really worried. Ted
forces a smile.
INT. NANA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ted, Wes and JT bring Rod inside. As they do Ted hands Rod
five hundred dollars.
TED
... Remember the deal. Five
hundred dollars up front. And five
hundred when you complete your
services.
ROD
Can I get the other five hundred in
gold doubloons?
Teri crosses on his way out.
TERI
Wes, I got two days off. If Nana
needs to use the bed pan, make sure
you wipe her better. She's
starting to look like a baboon
during mating season.
WES
Thanks for the imagery.
ROD
What's the big deal? I've wiped a
baboon during mating season.
Teri exits.
TED
Rod, we got a lot of prep to do for
this birthday party. You ready?
ROD
Yeah.
Rod takes out his iPhone. He hits a button on the menu
activating the built in voice recorder.
ROD (CONT'D)
Do you mind if I record this. It's
a memorization technique that I use
for my character studies.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 31.
TED
Whatever works. Now, let's get to
work. First of all, Ricky Stanicky
is a clean cut guy...
BEGIN MONTAGE
INT. HAIR SALON - DAY
Rod is getting a short hair cut and a shave as Ted looks on.
He gives the woman cutting Ricky's hair instructions. JT
sits off to the side in salon chairs pretending to read Cosmo
while checking out women getting hair cuts. Wes is actually
reading Vogue intrigued by an article titled, "10 WAYS TO
HOLD ONTO YOUR MAN."
INT. NANA'S BASEMENT - DAY
Ted, JT and Wes struggle down the stairs with a brand new
exercise treadmill in a box.
TED (V.O.)
Despite his illness, Ricky is in
incredible physical shape. He has
been training with the AIDS project
in San Francisco to do the run for
a cure.
INT. NANA'S BASEMENT - LATER
Rod jogs on the assembled treadmill. The guys surround him.
ROD
Dude, I need a break.
TED
You've run for one minute and
twelve seconds.
ROD
Okay, I'll push through.
Rod takes two more steps, then pushes the stop button. The
tread mill stops. He bends over and pukes.
JT
(dismayed)
We were going to return that thing
after we were done with it.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 32.
WES
You're really this out of shape?
ROD
I run better if I'm drunk.
TED
No. No. No. Ricky is a
teetotaller. He doesn't drink.
Rod goes pale. And pukes again.
INT. NANA'S HOUSE - DAY
Rod is sweating like a pig, drinking a sports drink and
smoking a cigarette. Ted takes the smoke out of Ricky's
hand.
TED
Ricky doesn't smoke.
Wes comes over with a box of nicotine patches and puts one on
Rod's arm. A beat. Rod sits for a second.
ROD
Nothing. Hit me again.
WES
I think that's above the
recommended dosage.
TED
Hey, whatever it takes.
Wes puts another patch on Rod's arm.
INT. BARNEY'S - DAY
TED (V.O.)
Ricky is a snappy dresser.
Rod walks out of the dressing room wearing some skinny jeans
and a shirt.
JT
This place is not cheap.
TED
He's got to look the part.
Rod comes over in the jeans.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 33.
ROD
These jeans are so tight, my junk
is migrating back into my trunk.
WES
Skinny jeans always crush my balls.
TED
Ball. Ricky only has one ball.
ROD
Really? Why?
TED
Testicular cancer.
JT
They just removed it.
ROD
Okay, if there's some girl I need
to get on, I'll just suck it back
in.
JT
What?!
ROD
The human body is capable of
incredible things.
TED
That won't be necessary. Ricky
took an abstinence pledge. He's
saving himself for marriage.
ROD
What? No booze, no smokes, no
pussy. Next thing you're going to
tell me the guy's a vegetarian.
WES
Vegan.
Rod gags.
TED
Not on the Armani shirts.
Ted covers Rod's mouth. Rod composes himself. Then puke
shoots out of his nose and all over the shirt rack. A sales
person looks at them shocked.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 34.
TED (CONT'D)
Wrap that up and add it to our
bill.
INT. NANA'S HOUSE - LATER
Now Rod has two nicotine patches on each shoulder. They
look at him. Is it working?
ROD
Hit me again!
INT. NANA'S BASEMENT - DAY
Rod is running while Ted watches. JT and Wes sit in torn up
recliners playing Wii.
TED
Looking good.
ROD
Yeah, I got this. This is really a
lot --
Rod falls over, and the tread mill throws him into the wall
so hard it leaves a Rod shaped dent in the dry wall. Ted
shakes his head.
INT. NANA'S HOUSE - LATER
Both of Rod's arms are covered in nic patches again.
WES
Where am I supposed to put another
one?
Rod drop his pants. Wes sticks one on his ass. A beat.
ROD
Ooh, that's the spot.
INT. NANA'S BASEMENT - DAY
Rod is running now. Focused. Locked on. Ted pushes the
speed up button. Rod speeds up. No problem. Ted nods.
TED
Wes, I think you can get some
plaster and fix your wall.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 35.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Erin sits alone checking her watch. A MAN, 30's, comes up
next to her.
MAN
Is this seat taken?
ERIN
Uh... yeah. My boyfriend's coming.
MAN
That is a lucky guy. You are
incredible.
ERIN
Thanks.
MAN
Just in case, let me give you this.
He quickly writes his number on the cocktail napkin and
slides it to her. She hands it back to him. Ted watches
this from the doorway.
ERIN
No thanks.
The guy turns and exits passing Ted. Ted sits down with
Erin.
TED
Was that guy just trying to pick
you up?
ERIN
Yeah. I gave him the Heisman,
though.
She poses like the Heisman Trophy, arm extended to ward off
tacklers.
ERIN (CONT'D)
I have to use the ladies. Then
let's eat.
Erin exits. The man walks up to Ted.
GUY
How the hell did you end up with
that?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 36.
The guy shakes his head and exits. Through the window, Ted
sees him hand a valet a ticket. After a beat, the valet
pulls up in a Ferrari and climbs out. The guy gets in.
EXT. GOLF RANGE - NIGHT
Ted stands with Ricky, at the golf range. Rod takes out his
iPhone and presses record. He places it on the divider
between the booths in the driving range.
TED
Erin rented out this range for the
party because golf is my favorite
sport.
ROD
Aww, that's sweet.
TED
Yeah she's awesome. She's the best
thing that ever happened to me.
She's smart, and funny and
beautiful and so cool. It's weird.
I spent most of my life using Ricky
to ditch my girlfriends so I could
hang out with my boys. But after I
got to know Erin, I realized if I
could, I would've used Ricky to
ditch my boys and hang out with
her. I've never felt that way
about any woman before.
ROD
Wow. Don't worry, I won't mess
this up for you. I'm a pro.
TED
Good. Now, Ricky is an excellent
golfer. People will probably
expect him to hit a couple of balls
at the party.
Ted hands Rod a club. Rod walks up to the ball. Addresses
it confidently. He hacks at it violently, whiffing. The
club flies from his hands out onto the range. Rod runs out
and grabs it, ducking out of the way of errant shots.
TED (CONT'D)
You've never played before have
you?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 37.
ROD
(impressed)
How'd you know?
TED
The only thing you need to hit is a
5 iron. Watch me.
Ted takes the club, addresses the ball and takes an easy
swing. He hands Rod back the club. Rod hacks violently
again. Rod hits the ball, this time both the club and ball
go flying. Still the club makes it past the ball.
EXT. GOLF RANGE
Rod hits a dribbler. But manages to hold onto his club. Ted
nods. He walks around and corrects Rod's grip.
EXT. GOLF RANGE - LATER
Ted watches as Rod hits a passable shot. Nothing great but
contact.
ROD
You are like the Milt Conrad Jr. of
golf.
TED
Milt Conrad Jr.?
ROD
My director. He's a genius.
TED
Uh... thanks.
(then)
If I could, I'd just play golf. No
high pressure sales job. No crazy
ass boss. My favorite time is when
I'm swinging a club.
ROD
You should do it.
TED
Erin would never be with a guy who
was a golf bum.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 38.
ROD
You never know. I'm just a
homeless actor and I've dated some
pretty incredible women, including
Trishell from the "Real World
Vegas," and Emma Kariopa.
TED
Who's Emma Kariopa?
ROD
Her tits were in a scene on
"Entourage." Seriously, look it
up. She's listed on IMDB.
TED
No. I got to keep this job.
ROD
Sometimes you got to follow your
dream. Like me. I'm an actor.
And Ricky might be my greatest
role. Even greater than Leissl in
"The Sound of Music."
TED
Isn't Leissl a girl?
ROD
A 15 year old girl.
INT. NANA'S HOUSE - DAY
CLOSE ON A DRIVERS LICENSE
A picture of Rod. It reads "RICHARD J. STANICKY".
TED (O.S.)
This is good, Wes.
WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted, Wes and looking at the photo.
WES
Thanks. That graphic design degree
is finally paying off.
Rod enters wearing skinny jeans and a stylish shirt. His
hair is short and neat, he's clean shaven. He even looks
healthier. Wes hands Rod the fake license.
ROD
A license! I haven't had one of
these since the nineties.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 39.
TED
Let's go through this once more.
Ted grabs the bible off a table.
TED (CONT'D)
Okay, you currently work for...
ROD
IRG, a small investment firm that
handles money for mainly non profit
organizations and charities.
TED
And two January's ago where were
you?
ROD
I was in New Orleans helping with
the Katrina clean up.
WES
Good.
ROD
Why Katrina? Why not something
else?
TED
Super Bowl was in New Orleans that
year. So we just told my ex
girlfriend and Susan that Ricky was
still working on the
reconstruction.
ROD
Right. You guys are genius.
WES
Your favorite ice cream is?
ROD
Whole Foods free range, sustainably
grown Rocky Road.
JT
What if Wes' grandma asks you if
you're the proud owner of a pocket
pussy?
ROD
Ricky would never use a pocket
pussy.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 40.
TED
It depends on who you're talking
to. See thanks to Wes, Ricky is
different things to different
people. Which makes your job
harder. The Ricky that Wes has
told his grandmother about is a lot
closer to how you are now. But the
Ricky that we've told Erin and
Susan about is a saint.
ROD
I get it. So if it's Nana I tell
her a pocket pussy is how I keep my
dick warm every night.
TED
(continuing, to Rod)
And if it's Erin?
ROD
Then a pocket pussy is the tiny
kitten that I rescued from a roof
of a house in New Orleans and
carried home in my pocket.
TED
Excellent, Ricky.
Rod stares blankly, not reacting to the name.
TED (CONT'D)
You're Ricky!
Rod takes out the license from his pocket and looks at it.
ROD
Right. My bad.
The guys look worried. Ted throws Ricky the "bible."
TED
Spend the afternoon studying this.
In three hours it's show time. JT
and I have to get ready for dinner.
WES
Don't worry. I'll make him study.
JT and Ted exit.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 41.
INT. WES' ROOM - LATER
The bible rests on Rod's lap. Wes is showing Rod his book on
the computer. He clicks on a page
WES
(reading from the book)
All daddy's have hobbies. Some
like to go bowling
A picture of a daddy bowling.
WES (CONT'D)
Some like to watch sports.
A picture of a daddy watching a game on tv.
WES (CONT'D)
My daddy likes to build bongs.
A picture of a daddy holding up a bong.
WES (CONT'D)
The letter B is for bong. Can you
say bong?
ROD
Bong.
Wes continues reading.
WES
(reading again)
My daddy's really creative. He
makes bongs out of old plastic
bottles. He makes them out of soda
cans. He even made a bong out of
an apple once and after he used it
to smoke marijuana, he ate it.
A picture of the daddy smoking out of an apple. The next
picture shows the daddy's eyes swirling.
WES (CONT'D)
He said, "I'm so high I can see
Jesus." Some day when I grow up, I
want to build bongs just like my
daddy.
RICKY
(moved)
I love stories about Dads.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 42.
NANA (O.S.)
Wesley. I need help. Wipe me.
WES
I can't believe this. Nana, I'm
trying to work in here!!
(to Rod)
Seriously, do you think Dr. Seuss
had to wipe some old lady's ass
when he was writing?
ROD
It's possible. He was a doctor.
NANA (O.S.)
Wesley!
ROD
Keep the creative juices flowing.
Ricky Stanicky has got this.
Rod exits.
INT. NANA'S ROOM - DAY
Nana is in her hospital bed. Rod enters.
NANA
Who are you?
ROD
I'm Ricky Stanicky.
NANA
I was starting to think that Wesley
had just made you up.
ROD
He would never do that. Although he
has a heck of an imagination. Some
day he's going to be a famous
writer.
NANA
He always told me you were a
pathological liar. It's nice to
know that occasionally he tells the
truth.
ROD
You'll see.
(then)
Now we got a tush to wipe.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 43.
ROD (CONT'D)
And let me say for older woman,
that thing is holding up nicely.
Nana smiles. Rod looks over at a night table and sees the
wipes next to about thirty bottles of pills.
ROD (CONT'D)
Is that Oxycontin?
NANA
For my hip.
(then conspiratorially)
If you take two of those, you feel
like your floating on the bubbles
on the "Lawrence Welk Show."
ROD
I love bubbles.
WES' ROOM - LATER
Wes is still working on his book. He checks his phone.
WES
Shit. We gotta go.
He looks around.
WES (CONT'D)
Rod?
INT. GRANDMA'S HOUSE - LATER
Wes walks into Nana's room. Rod and Nana are dancing VERY
slowly to a Lawrence Welk song. They are both very high.
Wes walks over to his phone. He quickly texts a message to
Ted. Close on the text.
WES: ROD ATE NANA'S PILLS. WE ARE FKED
INT. RESTAURANT - LATER
Ted, Erin, JT and Susan sit around a table. Ted is looking
down at his phone. He reads the text and chokes on his food.
JT
You okay, dude?
Ted slides the phone over to JT who looks at the text message
and also starts choking.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 44.
EXT. GOLF RANGE - NIGHT
Erin, Ted, Susan and JT walk up to the golf range. It is
decorated with streamers. Some of his friends are hitting
balls and having drinks.
TED
(looking around for Ricky)
This is great. I love how you
decorated.
ERIN
I knew you would.
SUSAN
Yeah. Freaking great. Where's
Ricky?
ANGLE ON Wes in a stall, his arm around Rod to support him.
Rod waves.
ROD
Ted!!
Rod nearly falls over.
ERIN
I thought he didn't drink.
SUSAN
Seriously, what the hell is going
on?
JT looks away.
TED
Yeah, uh --
Rod lets go of Wes, staggers forward and picks up a five
iron. He grabs the railing to steady himself.
ROD
Check out this fiver iron.
He gets in position and dramatically waggles. It's almost
sexual. Rod finally takes his club back knocking the ball
off the tee.
TED
Erin, there's something I have to
tell you.
JT begins shaking his head "no," pleading. But Ted sees no
way out.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 45.
TED (CONT'D)
The thing is Ricky is --
ROD
Before I hit this, I want to tell
you all a story about Ted. After
Katrina, I volunteered in New
Orleans. One weekend Ted and Wes
and JT came down to help. While I
was in a boat rescuing stranded
people off of roof tops, they were
back at base camp serving coffee
and soup. Saturday afternoon, my
boat was so full of people that the
gunwale was only about six inches
above the water.
His delivery is so compelling suddenly we're there seeing it
with him, as if it were real.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
Rod sits in a boat packed with rescued people wrapped in
blankets. A local man drives. They coast up to a submerged
house. ON the roof is an old woman (AUNT ESTHER) with a
menagerie of animals. Dogs, birds, a three legged kitten.
ROD (V.O.)
On top of one house an old lady was
stranded. She didn't want to leave
without her pets. They were her
family. But the boat was full.
Rod climbs off to help her, but she won't budge. Rod begins
pleading with her. The boat driver shakes his head. Sadly,
the woman steps off the roof. She gets in the boat. Rod
gets on his cellphone and calls back to base.
ROD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I called base camp to see if we
could get another boat for the
animals.
EXT. RED CROSS BASE CAMP - DAY
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 46.
INTERCUT RED CROSS BASE CAMP - DAY / HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
JT, Wes, and Ted ladle hot soup out to cold, wet rescuees.
Ted watches a Red cross OFFICIAL on the phone with Rod. The
official explains why they can't save the pets.
ROD (V.O.)
But all the boats had to be used to
rescue people.
Ted stares at the official thinking.
END INTERCUT
EXT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The woman looks mournfully at her pets and they drift off.
ROD (V.O.)
Then something amazing happened.
EXT. RED CROSS BASE CAMP - LATER
Wes, and JT serve the rescued people hot cups of coffee.
Aunt Esther sobs on Rod's shoulder. Then Ted appears rowing
a tiny leaky canoe packed with the animals. Dogs take up the
floor space. A parrot rests on one shoulder, a rabbit on
another, and in his lap is a three legged kitten.
ROD (V.O.)
Ted found the worst boat in New
Orleans and brought back those
animals on his own.
He pulls up to shore. The dogs leap out and run to their
owner. She hugs them overjoyed.
BACK TO:
EXT. GOLF RANGE - CONTINUOUS
People are moved. Some dab their eyes.
ROD
That's Ted. Always doing stuff for
other people. Tonight, we're doing
something for you. Happy birthday,
buddy.
Rod swings and crushes it, his follow through turns him away
from the group for a moment.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 47.
ROD (CONT'D)
(to himself; facing away
from the group)
And scene.
ERIN
What a great story.
TED
(shocked)
Yeah.
ERIN
What'd you want to tell me?
TED
Uh... just that uh... sometimes
Ricky's meds make him seem a little
bit tipsy. Side effects.
Rod approaches them and hugs Ted. Then grabs Erin by the
hands.
ROD
Erin. You are so much more
beautiful than the photos that Ted
is always showing us. I mean
always. He never stops.
TED
Why would I? She's so hot.
Erin blushes.
ROD
This guy loves you. Seriously.
Loves. Okay, I don't want to
embarrass him. Erin, let's get a
virgin daiquiri and I'll tell you
about how he never stops talking
about you.
Susan walks up, deliberately and grabs Rod's hand.
SUSAN
Let me do it. Erin, you stay with
the birthday boy.
Susan starts to walk off with Rod. Ted spots the edge of a
nicotine patch just protruding over the top of Rod's collar.
TED
Wait.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 48.
Ted grabs Rod into a hug.
TED (CONT'D)
So good to see you, bro.
As they part Ted COUGHS and deftly rips the patch off Rod's
neck.
ROD
(whimper)
ANGLE ON Rod and Susan. Susan holds a cosmo. Rod holds a
virgin daiquiri.
SUSAN
Seriously, what kind of name is
Stanicky? It sounds made up.
ROD
(deftly)
Stanicky's not really my last name.
When my grandparents came through
Ellis island, after fleeing the
purges of the Bolsheviks, they
misheard it. The real last name is
Stravinsky.
SUSAN
(intrigued)
Like Igor Stravinsky? The
composer?
ROD
My great great Uncle.
SUSAN
You know I work at the concert
hall?
ROD
You know my favorite book is "The
Guernesey Literary and Potato Peel
Pie society."
A beat. Susan LAUGHS.
SUSAN
You're hilarious.
MUSIC CUE: SOMETHING UPBEAT
SINGLE BEATS OF RICKY WORKING THE PARTY
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 49.
ANGLE ON CLARE and SARAH (Erin's sister and Mom) and some of
Ted and JT's coworkers, listening intently to Rod.
ROD
My idols are Jesus Christ, George
Bush and George Bush Jr.
ANGLE ON Ted, Wes AND JT, Looking on in amazement.
ANGLE ON Erin, hitting golf balls. Rod stands next to her.
ROD (CONT'D)
When I pulled that three legged cat
off of her roof and gave it back to
Aunt Esther, that was the greatest
feeling I've ever had. Except when
it gave birth to a litter of three
legged kittens.
ANGLE ON Rod and Susan
ROD (CONT'D)
Few people know it but Stravinsky
wasn't just a musician. He also
invented Russian dressing.
Susan nods, fascinated.
ANGLE ON Rod and Lambert
ROD (CONT'D)
Buy low and sell high. That's my
motto.
LAMBERT
That is a good motto.
ROD
It nearly helped the Duke Brothers
corner the frozen concentrated
orange juice market.
LAMBERT
"Trading Places!" One of my all
time favorites. Ricky, you are a
card.
ROD
Thanks. But seriously, it's also a
sound investing philosophy.
Lambert nods.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 50.
EXT. GOLF RANGE PARKING LOT - LATER
People are leaving. Everyone is in good spirits. Mr.
Lambert and Clare and Erin's sister, SARAH, 20's, a wild
girl, stop on the way out.
ERIN
Thanks for coming.
CLAIRE
It was a great party.
MR. LAMBERT
Ted, that Ricky is very impressive.
Most of your friends are complete
idiots, but Ricky, he's like a
breath of fresh air.
SARAH
He's hot, too.
TED
I'm glad you all like him.
MR. LAMBERT
By the way, I want to see you in my
office first thing on Monday.
There's something big I need to
discuss with you.
The Lamberts leave. Erin squeezes Ted's hand.
TED
I think I'm about to get a
promotion.
ERIN
I think you're also about to get a
blow job.
TED
Best birthday ever.
INT. LAX - MORNING
Ted, Wes and JT shake Rod's hand. Ted gives Rod five more
hundreds.
ROD
Pleasure doing business with you
all. Anytime you need me back, I'd
be happy to come.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 51.
TED
We'll keep it in mind.
LAMBERT'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - LATER
Ted sits in the uncomfortable chair. Lambert seems to be in
good spirits. He is straightening a framed picture of he and
Hilary Clinton smoking fat cigars.
TED
Hilary Clinton never struck me as a
cigar smoker.
LAMBERT
Oh yeah. Three double coronas a
day. Anyway, I was reviewing some
records with the guys from
accounting. You played a lot of
rounds of golf with Ricky haven't
you?
TED
A few.
LAMBERT
Close to four times over the past
year.
Ted looks worried.
TED
Was it that many?
LAMBERT
One round at PGA West came out to
four hundred and eighty dollars in
greens fees alone.
TED
Yeah but there's a lot of potential
there. With Ricky. And golf's
important for client relations.
LAMBERT
I agree and Ricky is quite a guy.
That's why I'm not mad at you.
Ted is relieved.
LAMBERT (CONT'D)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 52.
And I think we both agree that
sometimes you have to pay to
recruit a piece of talent like
that. Whether they be golf rounds
or fancy dinners.
TED
I'm sorry?
LAMBERT
Our new head of sales is going to
be Ricky Stanicky.
TED
Rod-rrruh rruh Ricky?
LAMBERT
That's the exciting news I told you
about. I called him last night.
Booked him on a plane back to LA.
I thought you'd be thrilled.
TED
Oh...I am... I
LAMBERT
I know, you wanted to take over the
department. But your skills lie
more in traditional business.
Ricky is a total original. He's
the type of guy who one day might
end up as CEO.
TED
CEO?
Rod walks in a business suit with a big grin on his face.
ROD
Ted. Mr. Lambert.
(then)
I am so psyched to be working with
you, bro.
LAMBERT'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Rod and Ted walk past Lambert's assistant to the elevator.
ROD
Working with my best friend in the
world. Wow.
The elevator door opens. They walk in.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 53.
ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
The elevator is empty. As soon as the doors close, Ted turns
to Rod.
TED
What are you doing?
ROD
I know this seems a little crazy.
TED
A little? You're not Ricky
Stanicky.
RICKY
Look at it from my perspective.
You guys paid me a thousand
dollars. Which was awesome. But
Lambert offered me 150,000 dollars
a year.
TED
150,000!!!! That's sixty grand more
than I make.
RICKY
I know. I didn't take it though.
I got him up to 164 plus bonus.
TED
How?
RICKY
It said in the bible that Ricky
once worked as a hostage negotiator
so I played hard ball. Lambert
also threw in a a corporate car.
TED
A corporate car?!
The door opens and two people enter. Ted is silent again,
fuming.
TED (CONT'D)
(on a dime, gritting his
teeth)
That's great about the corporate
car. Really great... really
great...
The elevator descends. The two people get out. Alone again.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 54.
TED (CONT'D)
...except it was supposed to be my
fucking car.
ROD
We're going to be working together.
Maybe they'll get us matching ones.
TED
Matching cars?
ROD
Look, the money and the car are
great. But really it's about the
role. Ricky Stanicky is the kind
of character that I've always
wanted to play. He's a saint, but
underneath his perfect exterior
there's a bottomless well of
pathos.
TED
This is not a show. This is real
life. My life.
ROD
Ricky is Rod's best friend. Ricky
makes Rod's life better. At least
that's how it works in the script.
TED
What script?
ROD
The bible! You wrote it.
TED
You can't do this. Do you even
know what we do here?
ROD
I was meaning to ask you that.
TED
People will find out the truth.
You'll drag both of us down.
ROD
The truth? I'm an actor. The only
truth is in the character.
The door opens again. Another person walks in. Ted puts on
a fake smile.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 55.
TED
Mr. Prentiss.
PRENTISS
Ted. And you must be Ricky.
ROD
Mr. P.
PRENTISS
Hey, I've got a golf game with Mr.
Lambert and Toyo Yamashido next
week. Perhaps you could step in
and join our threesome.
ROD
I'd love to join your three way.
But only if Ted gets to come too.
PRENTISS
We could always use a caddy.
Prentiss and Rod Share a long knowing LAUGH. The car goes
down another floor. Prentiss gets off. The car is empty for
a beat.
TED
Toyo Yamashido? I've been trying
to get that guy in a meeting
forever..
ROD
And now you get to drive him around
in a golf cart! See it's all
working out.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Mr. Lambert and a couple of corporate heavies sit at one side
of the table. Ted, Ricky, JT and five other sales associates
are on the other side of the table.
MR. LAMBERT
Ted, why don't you run us through
the sales strategy for the second
quarter of this year?
TED
I was thinking that Ricky might
want to lead the meeting.
MR. LAMBERT
Already? He just started.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 56.
TED
But he's got great ideas. Tons of
them. That's why we brought him
in.
MR. LAMBERT
Okay. Ricky, what do you have?
ROD
Thanks for the vote of confidence
Ted, but I think you should run
this meeting. I'm not up to speed.
MR. LAMBERT
Seems smart.
ROD
(to Mr. Lambert)
I like to delegate.
MR. LAMBERT
Ted. Go ahead.
TED
Ricky's going to run the
department. I think it's good to
just hand him the rudder and let
him steer. And people do their
best work when they're
uncomfortable.
MR. LAMBERT
Love that. Ricky, you're up.
ROD
But --
MR. LAMBERT
Ricky. I have a lunch in an hour.
Rod takes a deep breath and stands up in front of people.
ROD
Well, we sell financial services
correct?
MR. LAMBERT
Right.
Rod sighs relieved. He crosses himself quickly.
ROD
My background is in the area of non
profit humanitarian work.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 57.
ROD (CONT'D)
So why not bring my background to
the world of investment products.
Gentlemen, I ask you this -- does
non profit have to be non profit?
MR. LAMBERT
What are you saying?
ROD
I mean, why can't we make profit
off of non profit?
MR. LAMBERT
I'm not sure if I understand that.
TED
I know I don't.
ROD
Non profit charitable stuff.
Humanitarian stuff. But for money.
A long beat. Another coworker GARY pipes in.
GARY
Wait, I think I get it. You're
saying just like companies will
make profits off the Obama
administration's green
initiative... making energy
friendly cars and recyclable
products that perhaps we can make a
profit in traditionally non profit
fields?
ROD
Bingo. It's feel good investing.
MR. LAMBERT
Feel good investing. What a catch
phrase!
TED
It's catchy, but is there anything
there that will actually make us
money.
Lambert stands up. He looks excited.
MR. LAMBERT
With a catch phrase like that how
can't we make money? Feel good
investing. It pops.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 58.
ROD
Snap crackle, sir.
MR. LAMBERT
People have lost faith in the
financial sector. We need
something really out of the box to
sell investors these days.
TED
This is wildly so.
MR. LAMBERT
Next month is our sales conference
at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
We've got all of our big clients
and potential investors coming in.
We wine them and dine them and
present our big ideas for next
year. Ricky, I want you to present
feel good investing there. But we
need something concrete, with real
details to it. Can you do it?
ROD
As long as I've got Ted on my team.
MR. LAMBERT
You got whoever you want.
Mr. Lambert gets up and exits.
ROD
(to himself)
And scene.
HALLWAY - DAY
Ted and Rod walk out of the conference room. Ted is pissed.
ROD
That was so great. You set me up.
I knock it down. Teamwork. In
acting they call that listening.
TED
I was supposed to be giving that
presentation. I was supposed to be
the head of sales. You're screwing
everything up.
ROD
Feel good investing! It pops!
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 59.
TED
Feel good investing? That's
bullshit. We can't make money off
of non profit?
ROD
Why not?
TED
Because the whole point of non
profit is not to make money!
ROD
Details! We're going straight to
the top amigo. You are not going to
believe how out of hand it's going
to be.
TED
Jesus, that's a quote from "Saint
Elmo's Fire."
INT. TED'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Ted sits with his head in his hands.
INT. TED'S CAR / INT. TED'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
Ted is driving home on the phone. Erin is on the phone in
the house.
TED
Erin... uh...so, weird story. I
didn't get the promotion. Ricky
did..
ERIN
I know. He's here. He told me
everything. Don't worry, my dad
still loves you.
TED
Ricky's at our house?
ERIN
He stopped by for book group. I
invited him at your party.
TED
But --
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 60.
ERIN
Come home. We'll talk about it
then.
END INTERCUT
Erin hangs up and returns to her book group. A group of
women including Susan, Erin and Sarah lounge around with
copies of novels. They snack on coffee and scones.
ROD
I feel like this book is really
about the domination of women by a
male paternalistic society.
SARAH
I never thought of "Shopaholic Ties
the Knot" as a feminist text.
ROD
Oh it is. Oprah said so.
EXT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Ted pulls up in his car behind a gleaming new BMW. A vanity
license plate reads: "HDOFSLES"
TED
A fucking BMW!
He climbs out and heads to the front door with a head of
steam.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Ted walks inside. Everyone says hi to Ted.
TED
Ricky, can I talk to you for a
second?
ROD
Sure. But I don't want us to be
late.
ERIN
We're all going to the new Charlize
Theron Richard Gere movie, "Heart
Murmur."
SARAH
It was Ricky's idea.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 61.
ROD
It's about a woman with a life
threatening heart murmur. And how
she uses her few remaining beats to
find love.
TED
Heart Murmur?
Rod grabs the Calendar section from the table and opens up to
a full page ad.
ROD
(reading)
Heart Murmur will make your heart
soar, Owen Gleiberman.
Entertainment Weekly.
ERIN
The last time you were going to
come with me to something romantic
you had to go visit Ricky. But now
he lives here. So we got the best
of both worlds.
TED
(miserable)
Great. Can't wait to see it.
ROD
We should get Wes and JT to go,
too.
SUSAN
JT would hate that movie.
(then, excited)
I'll call him.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - LATER
The theater is filled with women. The only guys there are
Wes, JT, Ted and Ricky. Ricky sits on one side of Erin while
Ted sits on the other.
JT
There goes our excuse to get out of
chick flicks.
TED
Next time maybe you assholes should
listen to me and stop using the
excuse.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 62.
JT
You're the one that came up with
Ricky in the first place. Stop
blaming others for your bad ideas.
WES
We did kind of mess up.
JT
Shut up. You don't even have to be
here. You could just go home.
WES
But now I'm into the movie.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - LATER
TED
Seriously, she's going to get
together with the guy at the end.
And then she's going to die. Of a
heart murmur. Who dies of a heart
murmur?
ROD
It's the most deadly heart murmur
ever diagnosed.
TED
There's no such thing as a DEADLY
HEART MURMUR.
ERIN AND SUSAN
Shh!!!
ANGLE ON the movie screen
ACTRESS
I'm not in love with you. I'm in
love with Bernard.
ANGLE ON Rod and Erin. Rod pumps his fist defiantly.
ROD
I called that one!
Ted looks over at JT. He makes a gun out of his finger and
pretends to shoot himself. Wes is happily eating popcorn.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 63.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - LATER
Ted has dozed off. The music swells. Erin is dabbing her
eyes with a tissue. Rod puts his arm soothingly around her.
It's platonic but if it was your girlfriend, would you care?
Ted wakes up and sees this. He looks genuinely worried.
INT. RESTAURANT - LATER
Ted, sits with Wes and JT.
TED
Did you see that? He's moving in
on Erin. I can't believe this.
WES
This blows.
JT
Seriously. How the heck am I going
to see strippers with Ricky here?
TED
You're not supposed to use the
excuse to see strippers. That's
why we're in this mess in the first
place.
JT
Stripper addiction is a real
illness. It's in medical books.
TED
That's a lie.
JT
The longer he stays the greater the
chance he slips up and blabs to
Susan and I spend the rest of my
life as a eunuch.
WES
How are we going to get rid of him?
If we out him, we out ourselves.
Ted is trying to keep it together. He thinks.
TED
Wait a minute. There's no way Rod
can actually like being Ricky.
Ricky doesn't eat meat, Ricky
doesn't drink, Ricky doesn't smoke,
Ricky doesn't fuck.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 64.
TED (CONT'D)
Up until four days ago, Rod did all
of that. To excess. He handled
one night of it. But can he handle
a week of it? Two weeks...
Eventually he's going to melt down.
JT
I don't think we have time to wait
for him to flame out.
TED
Yeah. You're right. You've heard
of de tox right?
WES
Yeah.
TED
Let's put him through re tox.
EXT. TED'S BACK YARD - LATER
MUSIC CUE: BILLY JOEL'S PRESSURE
Ted carries a load of red meat out toward a grill. He starts
tossing steaks, burgers and sausages on the grill. Next to
it is a closed "meat smoker."
Ted, JT, Susan, Sarah all hanging out in the backyard. Rod
enters. They exchange greetings. Ted uses his spatula to
press a steak against the grates. The odor of grilled meat
wafts up.
ROD
Wow. That smells excellent.
SUSAN
I thought you're a vegan.
ROD
I am. But sometimes the smell of
meat can make you hungry, even if
you object to the killing of
animals on moral and environmental
grounds...
Wes enters with a cooler of cold beer. JT cracks a beer
open. The bottle beads with cool perspiration. RACK FOCUS
TO ROD's FOREHEAD beading the same way. He stares at the
beer, longingly.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 65.
JT
Cold and refreshing. I could drink
like fifty of these in this heat.
ROD
Can I get a diet coke or something?
WES
I forgot the soda. All I bought
was beer, wine and clamato juice.
Ted takes a long pull on his beer.
TED
Boy, it's a hot one.
Ricky GULPS, parched. Some of the SMOKERS from the office,
walk up, taking out cigarettes.
SMOKER
You mind if we smoke back here?
ERIN
Do you have to? It's kind of
crowded.
TED
Do we have a choice? You guys are
going to have to do it. Right?
You're addicted.
The smoker lights up. They move a little away. The smoke
wafts into Ricky's face.
ERIN
I'm going inside to see if we have
any non alcoholic drinks.
ROD
I'll come with you.
Rod is about to walk in after her when Ted opens the rib
smoker. A rack of ribs is slow cooking on it. Rod can't
stop looking at it.
TED
Ricky, help me here for a second.
I need an extra set of hands with
these ribs.
Ted shoves a dripping "rib mop into Rod's hand and opens up
the grill. The smell of slow cooked meat wafts in. Ted
takes some spices out and starts putting them in a bowl of
bbq sauce.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 66.
TED (CONT'D)
Mop while I taste this sauce.
Ted uses a spoon to taste it.
TED (CONT'D)
Damn that's good. The secret is
slow cooked bacon.
Ted "accidentally" flips some sauce off the spoon onto
Ricky's chin. Some of it lands right on his bottom lip.
Ricky tries desperately not to lick it off.
TED (CONT'D)
I think the ribs are ready.
Ted pulls a rib off the bbq and holds it up very close to
Rod's face. Ted takes a bite, bbq sauce dripping down his
chin. His hands are covered in it.
Ted slowly, licks his fingers. Rod reflexively grabs Ted's
hand and starts bringing his bbq'ed sauce finger to his
mouth. He licks it.
TED (CONT'D)
(to Ricky)
You don't want to really keep up
with this. You want to go back to
being Rod. To pirate shows and
bachelorette parties. And an all
rib diet.
ROD
I'm Ricky. Rod is dead. I cut off
his fingers, pulled out his teeth
and buried him in an unmarked grave
up here.
He taps himself on the head. Ted watches as Sarah walks
inside the house. Ted hands Ricky a long bbq fork.
TED
Suit yourself. Watch the grill. I
gotta get something.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Sarah is in the kitchen getting a beer. Ted walks up to her.
TED
So, Sar. I think Ricky digs you.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 67.
SARAH
Really? He is cute.
TED
And you know what they say about
guys with one testicle?
(Lowering his voice)
Supposed to be amazing lovers.
SARAH
Really?
TED
They compensate in various ways for
their deficiency. Work harder to
satisfy a woman.
SARAH
I never heard of that.
TED
It's in medical books.
SARAH
But doesn't Ricky have an
abstinence pledge?
TED
That only covers intercourse. You
just need to be creative.
Ted exits. Sarah is momentarily lost in thought.
EXT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Rod sneakily dips his finger in the sauce and is about to
lick it when...
PARTY GUEST
Ricky, can I get a burger?
Caught by surprised, Rod knocks over the bowl and presses his
hand onto the hot the grill. He screams. He looks around.
People are staring him.
ROD
Aah!!!
Rod runs inside.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 68.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rod is running his hand under cold water. Ted walks up
behind him.
TED
Something for the pain?
Ted opens the cabinet and pulls out a bottle of painkillers.
Rod pushes them away.
ROD
This isn't fair. You're going to
make me lose everything!
TED
No. I'm going to make Ricky lose
everything. But you're not Ricky.
You're Rod. Go home, Rod. You're
ruining my life.
ROD
No, I'm going to help you. I
promise. I'll make your life
better.
TED
By taking my job and fucking my
girlfriend?
ROD
I didn't fuck her. I haven't even
tried to fuck her. Do you want me
to fuck her? I'll do whatever you
want. I'm your best friend.
TED
You're not my best friend. You're
some crazy dude who won't leave.
ROD
That's mean. Ricky Stanicky is Ted
Garvin's best friend. That's what
it says in the bible. We shouldn't
be fighting. We need to make up.
Let's hug it out.
Rod goes to hug Ted. Ted shakes his head and exits. Rod
stands for a minute with his arms opened for a hug.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 69.
HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Ted walks past Sara who is waiting for the bathroom drinking
a beer.
TED
Ricky's in there. He burnt his
hand. Could use some TLC.
Sarah enters the bathroom.
BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ricky is staring at the bottle of pills. He turns to face
Sarah, quickly hiding it behind his back.
ROD
Be out in a second.
SARAH
So, is it true what they say about
guys with one ball?
ROD
Excuse me?
Sarah moves, seductively toward Rod and kisses him on the
lips.
ROD (CONT'D)
I can't. I have an abstinence
pledge.
SARAH
I understand. Just fuck my mouth.
She drops to the ground and starts unzipping his pants.
HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Ricky bursts from the bathroom door with his pants around his
ankles clutching the bottle of pills. Erin watches in shock.
Sarah comes out after him.
SARAH
Ricky! Come back.
Rod trips and falls into Erin's display case of Swarovsky
miniatures. Shattering them all. Pills roll everywhere.
ERIN
Are you all right?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 70.
She helps him up. The horn of a shattered glass unicorn is
lodged in his head. Sarah just stands there. He pulls a
glass horn from his head.
ERIN (CONT'D)
Were you guys taking pills and
having sex?
SARAH
Technically, mouth fucking is not
sex.
Sarah exits. Erin looks at Rod, confused.
ROD
(earnest)
Erin, I need to tell you something.
EXT. TED'S PATIO - DAY
Ted, JT and Wes stand by the BBQ.
TED
I should probably check on Sarah
and Rod.
Ted heads in.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - LATER
Ted walks into find Erin gently bandaging Rod's head. She
sees him.
ERIN
Ted, I can't believe you.
TED
What?
ERIN
You knew Ricky had a substance
abuse problem but you still invited
smokers and served alcohol at the
party.
TED
Substance abuse problem?
ROD
You don't need to cover for me
anymore. He was the one who
checked me into Promises.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 71.
ROD (CONT'D)
Ted said enough of the substance
abuse and the group sex.
TED
Group sex?
ROD
My name's Ricky Stanicky and I'm an
alcoholic and a sex addict. And a
shopaholic.
Ted is staggered.
ROD (CONT'D)
I'm not mad at you, man. I'm the
one with the lack of willpower.
You saved me in the first place.
I'm just sorry I brought everyone
down.
ERIN
Please. It's not a will power
issue. Addiction's a disease.
You should know that, Ted.
TED
No, seriously --
ERIN
You owe him an apology.
TED
But --
ERIN
Ted!
Ted SIGHS.
TED
I'm sorry, Ricky.
ROD
It's okay, Ted. Let's hug it out.
Ted tentatively hugs Rod.
ROD (CONT'D)
(sing songy, in Ted's ear)
Best friends.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 72.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Ted, Erin and Rod walk back into the room where the wreckage
from the crystal animals remains. Susan, JT and Wes are
picking up the shards.
ROD
I should go. Erin will you come to
a meeting with me tomorrow? As my
sponsor.
ERIN
Of course. But shouldn't Ted do
that?
ROD
After today, I'd prefer if you
went.
Rod looks at Ted pointedly, then takes out his keys.
SUSAN
Ricky, can you give me a ride? I
have to take care of some stuff
back at the house.
JT
I'll drive you, babe.
SUSAN
That's okay. You stay and help
clean up the mess.
Susan and Rod exit. Erin looks at Ted disappointed.
INT. SUSAN'S VOLVO - LATER
Susan drives. Rod sits in the passenger seat.
SUSAN
I know what's going on. I know
about the lies.
Rod blanches.
ROD
Excuse me?
Rod is speechless for once.
SUSAN
Don't act dumb. JT has been going
to strip clubs.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 73.
SUSAN (CONT'D)
And then he says he's with you
rescuing some hapless girl. And
you cover for him.
Rod is relieved.
ROD
How do you know he's going to strip
clubs?
SUSAN
I found charges on his credit
statement to Lacecapades and some
place called Jumbo's Clown Room.
Tonight, while he's sleeping, I'm
going to the kitchen to get a knife
and in the morning he's going to
have one less testicle than you
have.
(then)
No offense.
ROD
I covered for him. I was wrong.
Susan softens a little.
SUSAN
I'm not mad at you. You're just a
good friend. But he's such a
cheating bastard --
ROD
Susan, what guy goes to a strip
club and uses a credit card?
SUSAN
My brain dead husband?
ROD
A guy that wants to get caught.
This is a cry for help. Are you
guys intimate in your relationship?
SUSAN
That's none of your business.
ROD
You're right. I've overstepped.
SUSAN
We don't have sex as much since we
got married. But we both work.
We're tired.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 74.
ROD
The passion is gone. You're in a
rut.
SUSAN
That's no excuse for what he did.
ROD
No, but perhaps you need to spice
things up a little. Look, I'm a
Christian who signed an abstinence
pledge but when I was in the Peace
Corps in Africa some of my liberal
colleagues used to do some things
so their sexual relations wouldn't
get boring... dressing up in
costumes, nipple clamps, dildos,
strap ons, sheisse videos,
transgender midget gang bangs, sex
in "Bed Bath and Beyond," little
things that would make things more
fun. At least that's what they
told me.
SUSAN
You think that's the problem?
ROD
If you love someone you have to try
new things. He has no excuse, but
love is a two way street and
sometimes we have to meet at the
double yellow line.
Susan is silent. A beat.
SUSAN
There's a "Bed Bath and Beyond" in
Africa?
ROD
They just opened one in Nairobi.
But they call it
(perfect accent)
"Kitanda, Oga na Beyond."
INT. BED BATH AND BEYOND - AFTERNOON
Susan wears a long trench coat. JT walks pushes a shopping
cart down the aisle.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 75.
JT
Do we really need another soap
dispenser? Let's go eat.
Susan is gone.
JT (CONT'D)
Suz? Where'd you go?
SUSAN
(o.s.)
Over here.
BATHROOM DISPLAY - CONTINUOUS
Susan is on her back in a claw foot bathtub. She opens up
her trench coat. She's naked underneath.
SUSAN
Get in here. Fast.
JT moves for the tub. They start groping each other.
JT
You want me to talk dirty or speak
in French or --
Susan shoves a loofah in JT's mouth. As they go at it, a
couple of ten year old boys peek around the corner.
TEN YEAR OLD
(to friend)
Told you this place was better than
the mall.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - THE SAME TIME
Ted an Erin sit in bed reading.
TED
Er --
ERIN
I don't want to talk to you.
TED
We don't have to talk. I can get
the tomato.
ERIN
Ecch.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 76.
Erin rolls away from Ted and turns out the light.
INT. RICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Rod sits looking out at the Hollywood sign. Ted enters.
TED
Look, Rod --
ROD
Ricky.
TED
Ricky. Er. I'm sorry about what
happened at the BBQ. I feel like,
why shouldn't we get along? Work
together. I mean
(sing songy)
Best friends.
(then)
Right?
ROD
Right.
TED
Grab your stuff, we got a meeting.
EXT. LAKEVIEW GOLF COURSE - DAY
Ted pulls up to Lakeview golf course.
ROD
Why are we here?
TED
Toyo Yamashidi. Remember? Prentiss
invited you to play golf with him.
ROD
But I can't play --
PRENTISS and Mr. Lambert walk up with TOYO Yamashidi.
PRENTISS
Ricky! Ted. This is Toyo
Yamashidi. He's interested in
offering our investment products to
the Japanese market.
Toyo shakes hands with them.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 77.
TOYO
I hear great things about you.
ROD
Domo Arrigato.
LAMBERT
Ted was telling us about the flop
shot you hit with the 60 degree.
He says you can make it stop dead
on a ball mark.
TOYO
I can't wait to see that.
TED
Oh don't worry, you will. He could
hit that shot in his sleep.
PRENTISS
Okay, tee time in twenty. See you
there.
Rod starts to sweat a little.
ROD
I can't play golf. You set me up.
TED
If you really are Ricky Stanicky,
you should have no problem.
EXT. FIRST TEE - DAY
Prentiss hits a perfect shot.
LAMBERT
You got all of that.
TED
Yeah. That'll play.
PRENTISS
Ricky, you're up.
Rod walks up to the tee. He tees the ball up. He stands
over the ball for a long beat.
ROD
Damn! Forgot something in my car.
Rod drops his club an goes running off.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 78.
LAMBERT
But our tee time... there's a group
behind us--
Rod is gone.
TED
I'll get him back.
Ted follows Rod.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Rod walks up to the valet and gives him his ticket. Ted
follows him. The valet runs over and gets Rod's car.
TED
So it's over. You're finally
walking away?
The valet pulls up, gets out and opens the door for Rod. Rod
puts his hand in the open doorway and slams the door on it.
ROD
Aaaaaah!!! My hand!
Ted and the valet are stunned.
TED
Holy crap.
Rod hands the keys back to the valet and a ten dollar bill.
ROD
Okay, I'm good. Just wipe the
blood off the keys.
Rod heads back toward the tee with his hand. He smiles at Ted
whose jaw hangs open in utter shock.
ROD (CONT'D)
Role of a life time, Ted. Role of
a life time.
The valet looks at Ted and shakes his head.
VALET
(in Spanish)
That motherfucker is crazy.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 79.
EXT. GOLF COURSE - FIRST HOLE
Rod's hand is bandaged. Rod is in a cart with Toyo. Toyo is
with Prentiss. Ted holds onto the back with the bags. He's
at a complete loss.
PRENTISS
I can't believe that valet slammed
your hand in the door.
LAMBERT
You should have him fired.
ROD
Come on, he's got a family.
Besides maybe some day he could be
one of our biggest investors.
TED
Yeah, right.
TOYO
As a boy, I worked as a valet in
Japan. Parking cars for rich
people. And look at me now.
ROD
Look at him! Everybody's got a
secret. Right, Ted?
Ted is silent.
TOYO
Lambert. You hire good people.
That makes me think that you've got
good products. After our game my
bank and I would like to talk to
you about an investment commitment.
Ted nearly falls off the cart. Lambert shakes Toyo's hand.
LAMBERT
We can do that for sure, Toyo.
Lambert steps out of the cart and grabs a club.
LAMBERT (CONT'D)
Okay, Ted. Run up to the bend and
keep an eye on my ball.
TED
(shocked)
You want me to caddy for real?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 80.
ROD
Maybe we should fire Ted instead.
Everyone LAUGHS. Ted jogs off, fuming.
INT. TED'S OFFICE - DAY
Ted is in his office with JT.
JT
Rod brought in three million in
business from Toyo?
TED
He also slammed his own hand in the
door of his car so he wouldn't get
discovered. He's psycho.
JT
Why are you so hostile to him?
Ricky's good people.
TED
His name is Rod. And you said if
he stuck around, he was going to
get you in trouble with Susan.
JT
Yeah, but then he got Susan to fuck
me in "Bed Bath and Beyond."
TED
You're selling me out because you
had sex in a home furnishing store?
JT
It was so freaking awesome. Next
week she's going to blow me on top
of a giant paper towel bundle in
Cost Co.
TED
Wow. At least Wes agrees that we
need to get rid of him.
JT
Really? Let's get him on the phone
and ask.
Jt goes over to Ted's phone. He dials an internal number.
WES (O.S.)
Ricky Stanicky's office.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 81.
JT
Wes, come down to Ted's office.
WES
Sure thing, JT.
JT hangs up. Ted looks confused. Wes enters wearing khakis
and an Izod shirt.
WES (CONT'D)
I'm rocking the business casual.
You like?
TED
Ricky hired you as his assistant?
WES
He thought I was getting creatively
stifled living with Nana. But with
the money I'm making, I'm going to
be able to get my own place. And
the best part is he's helping me
with my pot themed kid's books.
Lining up investors.
TED
But I thought we were trying to get
rid of him.
WES
How could I? The guy is like my
own real life cookie monster. He
even pitched me the idea for my
second book. "Mommy Bakes with
Special Herbs."
JT
Ted, you need to relax and go along
with this ride.
WES
Seriously, You cannot believe how
out of hand this is going to be.
JT and Wes exit. Ted doesn't know what to do.
KITCHEN AREA - LATER
Ricky is making himself a cup of coffee and talking to Erin.
ERIN
My dad said you brought in a three
million dollar deal yesterday.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 82.
ROD
It was nothing.
ERIN
This business means everything to
him. To my whole family. We're
really grateful.
ROD
I'm just glad I can help.
ERIN
You are such a good guy.
Erin kisses Rod on the cheek as Ted enters.
TED
What the hell is going on?
ERIN
I came to have lunch with both of
my guys.
TED
Both of your guys?
ROD
I set it up. Nice surprise, huh?
But that's what friends are for.
TED
I don't want to go lunch.
ERIN
If you're too busy, Ricky and I
will go together.
TED
Okay, this has to end. Erin, I
need to tell you the truth. He's
not really Ricky Stanicky. He's
some out of work actor from Vegas
named Rod.
ERIN
Huh?
TED
I used a made up friend to get out
of some things like your dinner
party and I was afraid if you found
out, you'd never forgive me. So I
covered by bringing Rod in to
pretend to be Ricky.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 83.
TED (CONT'D)
He was only supposed to be here for
a couple of days, but things got
out of hand.
ERIN
That's the craziest thing I ever
heard.
ROD
Totally nuts!
TED
Why would I make that up?
ROD
You're clearly jealous of our
relationship. I'm not a threat,
amigo.
TED
I'm telling you the truth. We've
been using this excuse for years.
I used it with all of my
girlfriends before you. And the LA
fire department.
ERIN
And you never got caught?
TED
We were careful. We destroyed any
incriminating evidence.
ERIN
Convenient.
ROD
Yeah, I'd say.
TED
Shut up, Rod.
ERIN
His name is Ricky.
TED
But I have the bible.
ERIN
The bible?
TED
It's a meticulous account of all
the lies I've ever told.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 84.
ERIN
(not sold at all)
And where is this bible?
TED
Well, Rod has it. Rod, where did
you put the bible?
Rod takes out a dog eared pocket size King James bible.
ROD
I always keep it right here, next
to my heart.
Ted grabs the bible and hits Rod in the head with it.
TED
You know the bible I'm talking
about it.
ROD
The audio one that Samuel L.
Jackson reads? He is seriously
righteous.
(as Samuel L. Jackson)
And God said let there be light.
And there --
Ted hits Rod again.
ERIN
Ted, calm down.
Ted hits him again.
ROD
You know I don't fight. I follow
the non violent teachings of Gandhi
and Doctor King.
Ted jumps on Rod, tackling him into the water cooler.
TED
That's not you. That's Ricky
fucking Stanicky.
A group of office mates come rushing to the door including
JT, Wes, Prentiss, Shmidt and Mr. Lambert. Rod and Ted still
struggle.
MR. LAMBERT
What is going on here?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 85.
TED
He's not Ricky Stanicky.
MR. LAMBERT
Of course he is.
TED
I'll prove it. Look, he has two
balls. He has two balls.
Ted pulls down Rod's pants and pulls out Rod's Dick. CLOSE
ON THE SACK, floppy and deflated. ONE BALL. Erin stares at
Ted in shock.
TED (CONT'D)
He... he was supposed to... have
two...
(weak)
balls. I --
ROD
I was sick. I had it removed.
(to Ted, pointed)
For real.
MR. LAMBERT
Ted, what is wrong with you? I like
making people uncomfortable but
this is a little beyond.
Wes and JT pull Ted off of Rod as security rushes in.
Security grabs Ted dragging him out.
TED
You had a ball removed to make this
seem real?
ERIN
Ted! Listen to yourself.
Ted is silent. Rod looks at him.
ROD
(in near tears, to Ted)
You bastard. I loved you the most.
A beat. Ted looks pleadingly at JT and Wes.
TED
Guys, please.
JT
Ted. This is way out of line.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 86.
WES
(guilty as hell)
Yeah. Seriously.
LAMBERT
Get him out of here.
As they drag Ted out he turns to Erin.
TED
Erin, you've got to believe me.
ERIN
Just go. I think we need some time
apart.
TED
But --
Erin just shakes her head. Too upset to talk. Lambert pulls
out his pen and waves it threateningly at Ted as security
drags him out.
EXT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY
Ted gets in his car.
TED
I have to find that bible.
Ted pulls away skidding around a parking attendant.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
Ted races down the road.
TED
Where is it? Where is it?
(then)
Nana's house!
EXT. NANA'S HOUSE - DAY
Ted parks in front of Nana's house, racing towards it. As he
reaches the door. His blackberry bings.
He looks down at it.
MESSAGE FROM RICKY STANICKY
"IS THIS THE BIBLE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?"
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 87.
A video clip opens. It's the bible in a trash can in flames.
Ted is shocked. Speechless. A beat. Teri answers the door.
He looks at Ted.
TERI
You all right? You look terrible.
TED
Teri... um... I'm going to need to
stay here for a little bit.
INT. NANA'S HOUSE - DAY
Ted sits on the couch in his sweat pants drinking a beer.
Wes walks up pulling a roller suitcase.
WES
Hey, uh... I like your sweat pants.
TED
These are my suicide pants.
WES
Once I get back from the sales
conference we'll fix everything.
Ricky will make it better.
Ted doesn't even answer.
WES (CONT'D)
Come on. Don't be mad at me.
TED
I appreciate you letting me stay
here, but, it's hard for me to be
friends with someone who sold me
out for a fake guy who removed his
own ball.
WES
I'm pretty sure he was just sucking
it in.
TED
Wes, listen to yourself.
WES
Ted, I have some really excellent
weed in the house. Smoke it. I have
porn. Watch it. I have a pocket
pussy. Fuck it. The place is yours.
Try to make the best of it.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 88.
Wes exits. Wes heads for the door.
NANA
Wes, wipe me.
WES
Shoot, Teri's not back `til
tomorrow morning. Could you do it?
I'm gonna miss my flight.
TED
But --
Wes exits before Ted can finish his sentence. Ted gets up.
INT. NANA'S BEDROOM - DAY
Ted walks into Nana's room.
NANA
Ted. Sorry to hear about Erin.
How are you?
TED
Terrible. She was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
NANA
She was very sweet. I know that
Wesley was quite fond of her too.
Had a picture of her in his room
right above his box of tissues.
TED
(disgusted)
Really?
(then)
Well, she's gone. I blew it.
NANA
Maybe I can help you out. See Ted,
I'm 87 years old. Can't walk too
well. Can't hear too well. Can't
even kneel at church without losing
circulation in my legs. But I have
one thing that always buoys my
spirits.
She reaches for her bible, then pushes it aside revealing a
fresh bottle of Oxycontin.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 89.
NANA (CONT'D)
Give me a good cleaning back there
and I'll let you join the fun.
No fight left, he grabs a box of wipes as Nana rolls over and
starts pulling down her pants.
NANA (CONT'D)
Dig deep like you're looking for
buried treasure.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
JT, Susan, Wes, Erin and Rod walk through the hotel. Rod is
talking to Susan and Erin. Wes and JT walk behind.
SUSAN
It's good that you came here, Erin.
Get your mind off of Ted.
ERIN
Yeah. I never expected him to flip
out like that. The other day, he
seemed so... lost.
Rod puts his arm around her.
ROD
But there's hope. I was once lost.
too. Yay though I walk in the
valley of death I shall fear no --
ANGLE ON JT and Wes
WES
You should've seen him when I left.
He was a mess. I don't know if I
can do this anymore.
JT
Do not fuck this up for me. When we
get back from Vegas, Susan said
she'd pee on me in the Gap.
INT. NANA'S ROOM - LATER
Ted lies next to Nana on the bed with perma grin on his face.
The TV is on.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 90.
TED
I feel like I'm floating inside a
cloud that's floating inside
another cloud hovering above a
rainbow that's being projected from
the horn of a unicorn...
NANA
On the Lawrence Welk show! That's
exactly what Ricky said.
(then)
He has his vices. But he's a
terrific dancer. And an even
better actor.
TED
Best actor I've ever seen.
NANA
Yeah. I saw him on this show. He
was a pirate. Like Bob Hope.
TED
A pirate? Where'd you see the
show?
NANA
On the tv. Travel Channel.
Ted grabs the remote. He pushes guide.
TED
Do you remember what it was called?
NANA
Nope. It was late at night.
Ted looks disappointed.
NANA (CONT'D)
I did record it on the DVR.
Ted's eyes go wide.
ON TV -
SAMANTHA BROWN'S GREAT WEEKENDS (or some other similar travel
themed show).
Samantha Brown is in a casino. She holds an empty coin cup.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 91.
SAMANTHA BROWN
Looks like I dropped a few too many
nickels in the slots. But I know
how to cheer myself up.
EXT. TREASURE ISLAND CASINO - CONTINUOUS
A group of Pirates are taking part in the famous treasure
island show.
A pirate draws his sword and charges another very drunken
pirate who holds a bottle of rum. Although in a hat and eye
patch this guy is Rod. He drunkenly fights with the sober
pirate. It's an excellent Jackie Chan style drunken fight.
ROD (AS DRUNK PIRATE)
Shiver me timbers. No scalliwag
gets in the way of me rummin'
Rod belches.
ANGLE ON Samantha Brown, laughing a little too hard.
SAMANTHA BROWN
What a hoot!
INT. TREASURE ISLAND - CONTINUOUS
Samantha Brown, now dressed for a night out, strolls through
the casino.
ANGLE ON Ted and Nana
NANA
Wasn't he terrific? He's like
Errol Flynn. But drunker.
TED
You can barely tell it's him. I
need more.
Samantha's commentary continues.
SAMANTHA BROWN (O.S.)
Tonight I'm having dinner at "Reef"
Treasure Island's four star steak
house with the director of the
World Famous Treasure Island Pirate
Show, Milt Conrad, Jr.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 92.
INT. STEAK HOUSE - DAY
Samantha sits across from MILT CONRAD JR now, long haired,
odd, and flamboyant.
SAMANTHA BROWN
Milt, I can't believe a Las Vegas
Legend like yourself agreed to have
dinner with me.
MILT
Me neither. I won three Tonies in
the eighties. But hey, you guys
are paying.
Samantha Brown LAUGHS way to long again.
SAMANTHA BROWN
You're a hoot!
ANGLE ON Ted
TED
Milt Conrad Jr! He can prove Rod's
a fake. I gotta go. See you Nana.
Let's go, unicorn.
A unicorn walks up. Ted gets on.
TED (CONT'D)
Giddyup mother fucker.
FROM NANA'S POV we see Ted who thinks he's astride the back
of a unicorn. Of course there's nothing there. She shakes
her head.
NANA
I'll call you a cab.
EXT. LAX - DAY
A cab pull up to the terminal at LAX. Ted hops out.
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - LATER
Ted steps out of a cab in front of the Treasure Island Hotel.
He runs past carrying a suitcase.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 93.
EXT. TREASURE ISLAND - LATER
Ted runs past the empty pirate ship and to the Treasure
Island.
INT. TREASURE ISLAND - DAY
Ted is talking to a WOMAN in guest services.
TED
I'm here to see Milt Conrad.
WOMAN
Who should I say is calling?
She picks up the phone to call Milt's office.
TED
Pirate number 3.
INT. MILT CONRAD'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
The walls are covered with Las Vegas and Broadway posters.
Milt Conrad sits on a couch.
MILT
Rod is the most committed actor
I've ever seen.
TED
Oh you have no idea.
MILT
I do. He became an alcoholic to
make his performance as Pirate #3
more compelling. Then he tried to
fight a real duel with the guy that
played his mortal enemy Mr.
Wainscott. Luckily he was so drunk
he shot and stabbed himself.
TED
Well, he had a testicle removed to
play Ricky Stanicky.
MILT
Wow. That's a whole new level.
TED
How do I get rid of him?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 94.
MILT
No easy task. He wore the pirate
costume and came to rehearsal for
three months after I fired him. I
had to have him banned from the
hotel. After that he slept in the
crow's nest of the fake pirate ship
until security found him.
(then)
If you could give him a big finale.
One great climactic scene he might
feel like the role is complete.
But that's easier said than done.
TED
Might be easier to just get his
real identity and expose him. You
have access to personnel files? A
copy of a birth certificate or a
drivers license --
MILT
He signed his working papers as Rod
Cozette. Apparently he just
finished a run on Les Mis. Hell of
an actor though.
TED
No one will believe me unless I
have some real info on the guy.
MILT
I'd like to help you. God knows he
drove me crazy every day saying he
should be Pirate #1.
TED
What about you and the guys that
worked with him? Will you admit
that Rod is a fraud?
MILT
When do you need us?
Ted checks his watch.
TED
In about fifteen minutes.
MILT
We have a show in a half hour. I'm
sorry. I can't help you.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 95.
TED
Please. I need to do this, or I'll
never be able to prove to my ex
girlfriend that I'm a lying
deceitful bastard.
MILT
Why would you want to do that?
TED
Because I love her. More than
anything.
MILT
This is one I've never heard. I'll
get the guys.
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Lambert is at a podium speaking to a group of heavy hitters.
LAMBERT
Now, it's my pleasure to introduce
the newest and certainly one of the
most integral members of our team,
Ricky Stanicky.
Rod walks up on stage. Applause dies down and he takes out
some note cards. Wes stands over by a laptop working a power
point presentation.
ROD
Thank you. Today I want to talk to
you about Feel Good Investing. As
you know I'm a man who spent many
years trying to give back to the
community doing non profit. And I
wondered why can't not for profit
be for profit.
A power point graphic comes up.
NOT FOR PROFIT=PROFIT
ROD (CONT'D)
Why can't we make money and do good
for people at the same time? Let's
start with the housing sector.
We're going to sell feel good
building bonds.
A CHART COMES UP THAT SAYS "FEEL GOOD BUILDING BONDS"
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 96.
ROD (CONT'D)
Our investors buy bonds where all
of the money will be used to buy
housing for people who lost their
homes in natural disasters. Then
in two years, people will think
we're so great they're going to
invest in our building companies.
An investor raises his hand.
INVESTOR
But how will you pay back your
investors for the free houses?
ROD
We don't.
ANGLE ON Wes
WES
(to himself)
He's nailing it.
ANGLE ON the crowd, murmuring, confused. Lambert is worried.
He sits next to Erin, Sarah and Clare.
LAMBERT
Is he joking? We can't sell bonds
with no return.
ERIN
Maybe there's an explanation.
ROD
It's charity. We're just laying
the groundwork.
A LARGE GRAPHIC COMES UP that says 0 PERCENT = 100
PERCENT=1000 PERCENT
INVESTOR #2
These are investment products
right?
ROD
Correct! Ten points to the man in
the conservative blue suit. But
this is just a small piece of the
puzzle.
As Rod speaks Ted stealthily moves into position followed by
Milt and ten guys in pirate costumes.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 97.
ROD (CONT'D)
Our next thing is going to make us
big money. And it's the brain
child of my new assistant, Wes
Chamberlain.
A GRAPHIC comes up with illustrations from Wes' books. One
is called, "DON'T BOGART THAT SPLIFF: A BOOK ABOUT SHARING."
And shows two little kids on the play ground taking turns
with a joint. Another one is called, "UNCLE EDDIE'S GREEN
THUMB." And it shows an uncle growing pot plants.
ROD (CONT'D)
Pot themed children's books.
LAMBERT
Oh my god.
ANGLE ON Ted and the Pirates.
TED
I might not even need you guys.
He's ruining everything on his own.
MILT
This happens when he goes off book.
I let him re write his own scene
once. At the end he married the
Pope and moved to Narnia.
ROD
We believe legalizing marijuana is
not just a good thing for people
who are sick like I was. It can
lead to big profit. And these
books will give us a foothold in
the legal marijuana market for
years to come.
Toyo has walked up next to Lambert.
TOYO
Lambert. Tell me this is some kind
of joke.
LAMBERT
Er... I...
INVESTOR #2
How are these investment products?
ROD
I believe I answered your question
the first time.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 98.
INVESTOR #3
How are you going to make us money
with this?
ROD
We'll corner the legal pot market.
It all starts with our new
publishing company "WESPUB".
A slide changes on the power point presentation. It reads
WESPUB. Wes looks on proudly. Another slide pops up with
IPO in big block letters.
ROD (CONT'D)
Best part. We're going to have an
eye-po.
INVESTOR #3
That's an I-P-O. It stands for
initial publica offering.
ROD
Where I went to business school we
say eye-po.
ANGLE ON Erin, looking at her father. He is totally
distraught.
LAMBERT
(low voiced, in shock)
My company. I'm ruined.
ERIN
Daddy, I'm sorry.
Erin looks around not sure what to do. She sees Ted in the
back with the pirates. Their eyes meet. She looks at him,
pleadingly.
MILT
(checks his watch)
We got to out him now if we're
going to make the show. Though I
would love to watch this play out.
TED
Uh... I was thinking, maybe
something a little more dramatic.
Milt looks intrigued.
ANGLE ON Rod, fielding questions
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 99.
INVESTOR #4
Are you aware that marijuana isn't
even legal yet?
ROD
Look, I know what I'm doing here.
Investors starting heading for the doors.
ROD (CONT'D)
We haven't even gotten to the
coolest pie chart. Wes please hand
out the 3-D glasses.
Wes starts trying to hand out 3-D glasses to the departing
guests. Suddenly Ted, dressed as a pirate swings in from off
stage left on a rope.
TED
Avast ye, Ricky Stanicky.
Rod looks at him stunned. The other pirates charge the
stage, swords drawn. The audience stops. Ted turns to them.
TED (CONT'D)
This impostor has hijacked Lambert
and Lambert and is steering our
ship into dangerous financial
waters.
ROD
(low voiced)
What are you doing?
TED
(low voiced)
Bailing your ass out.
(to audience )
We're the free trade pirates
protecting investors from impostor
products and gimmicks.
(low voiced, Rod)
Just go with it.
ROD
(low voiced)
Why?
TED
(low voiced)
Because if you don't you'll have
ruined your greatest performance.
Not to mention Erin's dad's
company.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 100.
A long beat. Suddenly Rod jumps into character.
ROD
How'd ye find me out?
TED
Who offers a pot friendly
children's book as an investment
product!?
The audience LAUGHS.
ROD
It'll work, I tell ye. And so will
me eeyepo!
The audience LAUGHS again. The investors murmur starting to
get it.
TOYO
It is a joke. Thank god.
LAMBERT
(still unsure)
Uh... it's a Vegas thing.
Investors nod their heads appreciatively. Lambert still
looks nervous.
ROD
You'll never take me alive.
A pirate runs up to Rod. Rod expertly disarms him. Ted and
Rod start to duel on stage. Rod is awesome, he pushes Ted
back to the corner. All five pirates come for Rod at once.
TED
This is the problem with the
financial markets. People get
swayed by "big ideas." "Hype."
"The next big thing" can overwhelm
even the smartest financial
thinkers.
Off stage Milt nods to Rod. Rod disarms all three pirates.
ROD
Avast ye scalliwags.
TED
But at Lambert and Lambert our idea of
feel good investing isn't some silly
gimmick.
(MORE)
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 101.
TED (CONT'D)
Feel good investing is buying products
that you feel good about because
you're not going to lose all of your
money on something ridiculous like a
housing bond that never pays you back.
Or a mortgage backed security.
Fundamentals!
Rod easily disarms the remaining pirates except for Ted. Rod
charges toward Toyo with his sword. Ted leaps from the stage
and runs him through. Rod dramatically falls to the ground.
TED (CONT'D)
At Lambert and Lambert we got your
back.
Rod flops around still dying. Milt gives him a throat cutting
move.
TED (CONT'D)
And to give you some more of those
details, here's our CEO Jack
Lambert.
The crowd explodes in applause. Jack walks up the aisle,
noticeably relieved. Erin beams at Ted. Lambert steps up to
the mic.
LAMBERT
Well that gets the point across
doesn't it! My sales team. Always
messing with me.
The crowd applauds.
LAMBERT (CONT'D)
But seriously. Let's talk about
some solid investment products
we're going to offer over the next
few years that will keep pace with
a down economy. These are --
Ted and Rod walk off followed by the pirates and Milt.
ROD
There is nothing better than live
theater.
INT. OFFSTAGE - LATER
The investors are congratulating Rod and Ted and the pirates.
Lambert walks up.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 102.
LAMBERT
That was superb. Ted, call me on
Monday and we'll talk about
bringing you back to work with a
big salary bump.
(to the crowd)
Let's head over to the hotel for a
light supper.
The investors spend a moment shaking hands and patting Ted
and Rod on the back. JT and Wes and Erin are in the group.
ERIN
That was amazing.
ROD
It's all happening again. We're
going to be co-heads of sales.
with matching corporate cars and...
TED
Rod, it's over. That was the
performance of a life time right
there. That last scene was a
masterpiece. You can't top that.
ROD
It was pretty compelling.
MILT
Totally climactic.
TED
I did that for you. Now do this
for me. Stop being Ricky Stanicky.
ROD
Is that what you really want?
JT
No. Definitely not.
WES
Yeah, just do it.
TED
Please.
ROD
(Rod nods)
And, fade to black.
Rod bows proudly.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 103.
ERIN
It's true what you were saying at
the office. That's why Ricky's
presentation was so bad. Because
he's a complete fraud who doesn't
know anything about finance.
ROD
My real name is Rod Brickhouse.
I'm trained in classical theater,
staged fighting, accents and mime.
Rod quickly makes a box around himself.
WES
That's so fucking cool. Can you
show me how to suck in my testicle
like you did?
ROD
I had it removed. Lambert and
Lambert has superb medical
coverage.
ERIN
How could you do this to me?
ROD
Erin, a guy like me will do a lot
for a 164,000 dollars a year and
the role of a life time.
ERIN
I'm talking to Ted.
TED
I used the Ricky excuse with you
before I realized how great you
were. But when I tried to stop, it
was just too late. All those lies
just caught up to me. So I brought
in Rod. But there's one thing you
need to understand. I only
brought in Rod so I wouldn't lose
you. Because I can't lose you.
You're the most important thing in
the world to me.
ERIN
I'd like to believe you Ted. But
this is so huge.
TED
I know. But try. Please.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 104.
ERIN
Thanks for saving my dad's company.
The whole family is very grateful.
Erin exits.
ROD
(teary eyed)
I thought you had her.
Ted is silent.
ROD (CONT'D)
Ted, I'm sorry it went down this
way. I wasn't kidding when I said
I loved you the most of all.
TED
I don't know what to say that.
ROD
Don't say anything. Just hug it out.
Ted hugs Rod.
ROD (CONT'D)
(sing songy)
Best friends.
Susan appears with a head of steam staring straight at JT.
Erin turns and walks out. Wes, Susan and JT stand silent for
a beat.
JT
Isn't this great Susan? Everybody
telling the truth.
Susan savagely kicks JT in the nuts.
SUSAN
And I was going to let you fuck me
in the ass at Linens and Things!
Susan walks out.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
"SIX MONTHS LATER"
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 105.
EXT. BALLET - NIGHT
Ted walks up to the ticket window.
TICKET TAKER
Hey, man.
TED
Did Erin ever pick up the ticket I
left for her?
The ticket taker checks through a pile of stuff.
TICKET TAKER
Nope. Same as last time. You want
to take the extra?
TED
Leave it. Maybe she'll come late.
Ted walks inside.
INT. BALLET - NIGHT
Ted sits in his seat watching. The seat next to him is
empty.
Erin walks up. Ted does a double take. But it's not her,
just a woman who looks like Erin.
WOMAN
Excuse me.
She walks past. He sighs and watches.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Erin sits at a desk dressed for work. Her assistant enters
with her mail.
ASSISTANT
You got another tomato.
She hands her an heirloom tomato. A note is taped to it. It
says, "THERE'S AN EXTRA TICKET FOR THE BALLET AT THE BOX
OFFICE AGAIN TONIGHT... IF YOU WANT. TED."
ERIN
Thanks.
The assistant exits. Erin looks at the note, shakes her head
and tosses the tomato in the trash.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 106.
She sifts through the rest of the mail. She sees a large
manilla envelope with no return address.
Erin opens the envelope and takes out a letter. As she reads
the letter we hear Rod's voice.
ROD (V.O.)
My dearest Erin, I can't help but
thinking I played a small part in
what happened between you and Ted.
I just want you to know, that every
lie Ted told, he told for you.
I've been around the block a few
times and there are a few things
I've learned in this life. One,
Milt Conrad is a genius. Two,
"Saint Elmo's Fire" is a truly
underrated film. And three, Ted
loves Erin. I know this might be
hard for you to believe because I'm
just an off off Broadway character
actor, and because I pretended to
be a another person for two months.
But all I can give you is my word.
And this.
Erin takes out Rod's iPhone. A message on the screen reads,
"PUSH PLAY."
EXT. GOLF RANGE - DAY
Ted stands in the pro's box at the end of the range with a
cigarette tucked behind his ear. NICK, 12, also with a
cigarette tucked behind his ear, hits balls. Nick's MOM,
stands off to the side.
TED
Better. Now I want you to relax
your hands more. Just let the club
do the work.
Ted uses his club to roll another ball in front of Nick.
Nick hits a decent shot.
TED (CONT'D)
There you go. Okay, time's up.
Next week.
Nick and Ted bro-shake and Nick exits. Ted starts to walk
off the tee. A golf course manager, DAVE, 40's walks up to
him.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 107.
DAVE
Where you going? You got a 5
o'clock.
TED
Really? With who?
DAVE
Uh...
Dave looks down at a blackberry.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Name's uh... Ricky Sta-nicky? Did
I type that right?
TED
Oh Jesus. Tell Booker to cover for
me. I gotta run.
Ted starts to walk away.
DAVE
What's the big deal? She's here
right now.
Ted stops.
TED
She?
He turns back and sees Erin standing in the stall. In her
cutest golf outfit. She waves shyly. He approaches her.
TED (CONT'D)
Uh... hey. Nice fake name.
ERIN
You made it up.
TED
It was kind of a group effort.
(a beat)
Why'd you come back?
ERIN
Who said I'm back? I'm just here
for a lesson.
TED
Oh okay. Grab the five iron.
She grabs her club. He pushes a ball to her feet on the mat.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 108.
ERIN
My Dad would love to have you back
at work. He still doesn't
understand why you never took up
his offer.
TED
That's not me. The only reason I
worked there in the first place was I
thought I wouldn't be good enough for
you if I was some loser golf pro.
ERIN
That's pretty dumb.
Ted nods.
ERIN (CONT'D)
Look, I got your messages. I know
about the ballet. But that's not
why I came.
TED
Was it the tomato?
Erin takes out Ricky's iPhone. She pops in the headphones
and holds up one ear bud to him while she puts the other in
her ear. He pops it in. She pushes play.
TED (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(pre recorded)
Yeah she's awesome. She's the best
thing that ever happened to me.
She's smart and funny and beautiful
and so cool. It's weird. I spent
most of my life using Ricky to
ditch my girlfriends so I could
hang out with my boys. But after I
got to know Erin, I realized if I
could, I would've used Ricky to
ditch my boys and hang out with
her. I've never felt that way
about any woman before.
ERIN
You might have told a lot of lies,
but that... that feels true.
TED
It is true.
ERIN
Still?
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 109.
TED
Always. I'll never get over you.
ERIN
Good answer.
Erin kisses Ted. Suddenly her phone DINGS. She pulls away.
TED
What's wrong?
She looks at her phone. ON SCREEN is a calendar reminder.
It reads "BARBARA'S BABY SHOWER".
ERIN
(annoyed)
I gotta go to San Diego for my
college roommate's annoying baby
shower. I should've left already.
TED
Go. I'll call you tomorrow. We'll
have dinner.
Erin picks up the phone and dials.
ERIN
I should tell her I'm running late.
(a beat, to phone)
Hi, Barb.
(a beat, listening, Erin
looks at Ted)
Uh... look, I'm not going to be
able to make it. My friend was in
a terrible accident and I have to
fly up to San Francisco to see him.
(a beat)
Ricky Stanicky...
(a beat)
Deep sea fishing accident...
(a beat)
Yep, without a life jacket.
(a beat)
Thanks so much for understanding.
She hangs up.
TED
(smiles)
You devious bitch!
ERIN
But that's the last time we ever
use it.
"Ricky Stanicky" 11.13.09 Bushell 110.
They share a look. Erin grabs her clubs, puts her arm in
Ted's and they walk off.
FADE OUT.
OVER CREDITS
INT. CAESAR'S HOFFBRAU HOUSE - DAY
Ted, Erin, Wes and JT sit in the theater. "THE SOUND OF
MUSIC" is being performed by a troop of actors. MARIA, is on
stage.
MARIA
Now that there's just us. Would
you please tell me all your names
again and how old you are.
ANGLE ON THE VON TRAP Kids. There's BRIGITTA, MARTA, KURT,
GRETL and Rod dressed as LIESL.
ROD
I'm Liesl. I'm 16 years old and I
don't need a governess.
Rod steps forward and starts to sing.
ROD (CONT'D)
I AM 16 / GOING ON 17...
As he does we ANGLE ON Milt Conrad, Jr. mouthing the words
with him.
| Ricky Stanicky
Writers : Jeff Bushell
Genres : Comedy
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