SEMI PRO
Written by
Scot Armstrong
June 2006
FADE IN:
EXT. THE STAPLES CENTER - PRESENT DAY
We hear the faint sounds of a crowd cheering on Kobe Bryant.
The real Bob Costas does narration.
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
Before the NBA was the NBA, there
was another basketball league in
America...
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: This is real ABA footage. A series of
great plays are made by ABA stars.
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
.From 1967 to 1976, there was the
American Basketball Association. A
maverick minor-league that would
change the game forever. The ABA
made the fast break FAST...
Invented the three point shot...
And introduced the world to
something called the Slam Dunk
Contest.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: Dr. J launches from the foul line and
dunks in the world's first dunk contest. David Thompson
finishes an Alley Oop.
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
Singer Pat Boone owned the Oakland
Oaks. Wilt Chambelain coached the
Conquistadors. I myself was the
young voice of the St. Louis
Spirits.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: A young Bob Costas broadcasts from St.
Louis, looking pretty sweet in side burns and a tweed jacket.
BOB COSTAS (V.O.)
Players like Dr. J, Ice-man George
Gervin and Moses Malone were as
entertaining as they come. But
despite the league's flair,
convincing fans to show up for
games was often a struggle.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: The infamous TV interview where Freddy
Lewis wins a 'race horse.' Footage of 'Dime Beer Night.'
Footage of the Kentucky Colonials fielding a cheerleader as
one of their starting five.
2.
BOB COSTAS (V.0. )
For owners, promotional ideas
became an art form all to
themselves.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: The Miami Ball Girls dance in bikinis
(In truth, some of the girls were still in high school).
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
One night, the Nets went as far as
to give a free gerbil to it's first
fifty fans... There were plenty of
punches too, giving the National
Hockey League a run for it's money.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: A guy elbows Connie Hawkins, who turns
and punches the guy in the face.
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
Yes, the ABA had a style all it's
own. The hair was big, the shorts
were short and the ball was red,
white and blue.
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: Harry 'The fat Mexican guy' dances.
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
In 1976, rumors of a merger spread
throughout the league. In the end,
only four teams would join the NBA
and survive.
QUICK CUTS: THE PACERS. THE NUGGETS. THE NETS. THE SPURS.
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
Teams like the Kentucky Colonels
and the Virginia Squires would
disappear forever. But their spirit
still lives on to this day.
EXT. A BASKETBALL STADIUM - 1976
We hear a crowd going crazy.
BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
Here, we present the legend of the
ABA... Exactly as it happened.
Some FUNKY MUSIC plays.
BOB COSTAS (V_O_)
Except, this Flint Michigan team
never existed.
3.
(BEAT)
And, well, everything in this movie
is completely fake.
INT. AMIGO STADIUM - DAY
TITLE CARD: ANAHEIM AMIGO STADIUM, 1976.
CLOSE ON: A logo of a basketball with a sombrero on it.
"LET'S GO AMIGOS!"
Welcome to the American Basketball Association. A fan chugs
his beer and throws some guacamole.
The crowd screams and curses at MONIX, mid 40'S -- talented,
but past his prime. (There are three leading characters in
this movie. This is the old rock. Think Nolte in 48 hours.
Cosner in Durham. Newman in Slap Shot).
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
The Amigos are up by one here.
They'll need to find a way to stop
Monix. He checks the clock,
waits... And now drives the lane...
MONIX suddenly takes a HUGE HIT, TOTALLY SLAMMED by a big
asshole, PETRELLI. He flies into the crowd -- everyone
erupts, screaming with glee.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Ooh, Monix gets taken out hard.
Some tough love from Patrelli.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
WHAT!? Where's the foul on that?
That was all ball.
(covering mic, screaming)
Jesus Christ Leonard! Let them play
for once! This ain't fuckin'
Greenpeace!
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Some might say that was a close
call, but these referees have done
a nice job tonight.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
'Oh please. These refs SUCK.
Still stuck in the crowd. Monix struggles to get back on the
court. The crowd shoves him around, twisting his ankle,
slapping him. The crowd is nuts.
4.
DRUNK LADY
Hey Monix, want a sip?
Monix is confused, until the woman throws the beer in his
face.
DRUNK LADY
(smart ass)
Oops.
She and her friends laugh. Monix says nothing. Instead, he
holds his aching back and limps up to the foul line, annoyed.
PATRELLI
(SMILING)
Sorry, Monix, I got pushed.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Well, it looks like the Amigos are
in trouble here. Monix is a ninety
percent shooter, if he can hit both
of these free throws, it's over.
Monix performs his ancient free throw ritual: Three dribbles
and a quick spin of the ball. But he MISSES.
DRUNK LADY
HA. NICE SHOT MONIX! YOU FUCKIN'
SUCK, MAN! YOU SUCK DONKEY DICK.
Again, Monix ignores the drunk lady.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
They dodged a bullet there. But
Monix still has one last chance to
tie it up.
Monix focuses on his ritual again.
DRUNK LADY
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SHOOT THE
BALL YOU PUSSY!
Monix aims at the basket, about to shoot, but then suddenly
WHIPS THE BALL HARD AT THE LADY, PEGGING HER IN THE FACE.
DRUNK LADY
AHH!
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
(re: nailing the girl)
And the second free throw sails
wide.
5.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
Yes! He just pegged a chick! That's
the greatest thing I've ever seen.
The lady runs on court and attacks Monix, her boyfriend jumps
in -- Monix hits her boyfriend with some quick hockey
punches. The benches clear, everyone is punching everybody.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
(re: violent fist fight)
And we've got a little bit of
pushing and shoving under the
basket. What do you make of this,
Lou?
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
I'm goin' in.
Lou Redwood takes his headphones off, climbs over the
announcer's table and jumps into the fight.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Alright then.
(BEAT)
More on this Amigo victory, right
after this message from Colt 45.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER
Monix is beat up pretty bad. He dabs his cut with toilet
paper.
SCHNACK (O.S. )
Want one?
SCHNACK, the owner, carries a six pack of Schlitz.
MONIX
I'll take two.
Schnack hands them over. Monix might speak, but he drinks
instead.
SCHNACK
So, Monix. The trade went through.
MONIX
Really?
(BEAT)
For who?
6.
SCHNACK
You know, you're not exactly a
spring chicken anymore...
MONIX
Just tell me.
SCHNACK
That score board.
ANGLE ON: Pieces of an old scoreboard are crammed into the
back of the locker room.
SCHNACK
It's a Magnovox.
(BEAT)
Tell me: What the Hell did you want
to get traded back to Flint for, of
all places? Please tell me this
isn't about Lynn.
MONIX
You still owe me $400.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - NIGHT
A wide shot of the Flint Michigan skyline.
TITLE CARD: FLINT, MICHIGAN
ECU: AN OLD TV. A COMMERCIAL PLAYS:
Super-cool CLARENCE WITHERS, 20's African-American, walks
around a pet store. This guy is all flash. He spins a ball on
his finger, but he's more Bootsy Collins than Dr. J.
CLARENCE (V.0.)
(on TV)
Don't get all lonely on me people,
get yourself a dog or a cat or some-
- (studies a weird animal) Or a
couple of these, from PET GALAXY.
When I'm not dribbling between my
legs or sinking jump shots, I'm
buying animals. And if this isn't
thebeststore in Flint Michigan
(re:hisafro) I will shave this
off.Nojoke. Make a fast break
overtoPET GALAXY. And be sure to
tell'emSugar Dunkerton sent you.
7.
With that, Clarence chest-passes the ball out of frame and
smiles.
INT. QUINCY'S BBQ - NIGHT
WE PULL BACK to see the TV is on inside a restaurant,
Quincy's BBQ.
REVEAL: Clarence. The guy from the TV is also a waiter in
this restaurant. He's taking an order from some customers.
CUSTOMER
Hey, wasn't that you just now,
there on the TV?
CLARENCE
Yeah, so?
CUSTOMER
What are you waiting on us for, if
you're a basketball star?
CLARENCE
Who the Hell areyou,the barbecue
police? Tell youwhat,I've got the
note pad, so I'llaskthe
questions: Do youwanta baked
potato with that?
CUSTOMER
The TV said your name was Sugar
Dunkerton. How come your name-tag
doesn't say that?
CLARENCE
'Cause I changed my name, that's
why.
CUSTOMER WOMAN
(reading his name tag)
Downtown Funky-Stuff Malone?
CLARENCE
You like it?
CUSTOMER WOMAN
I guess it's fine.
CLARENCE
It ain't fine.
(as in smooth)
It's fine...
8
A large woman, QUINCY -- Clarence's Mom -- yells from the
kitchen.
QUINCY
HEY CLARENCE!
CLARENCE
DOWNTOWN!
MS. QUINCY
I NEVER NAMED NO SON OF MINE
DOWNTOWN!
CLARENCE
THEN I CAN'T HEAR A GOD DAMN THING.
MS. QUINCY
IT'S SEVEN FORTY-FIVE, YOU BETTER
GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.
CLARENCE
Shit.
(to the customers)
It's been a pleasure serving you.
Clarence tosses his note pad on the table and his Mother
tosses him his duffle bag.
MS. QUINCY
And don't think I didn't see those
cotton briefs of yours in there.
CLARENCE
Stay outta my stuff!
MS. QUINCY
Don't you know our ancestors had to
pick that cotton? Get yourself some
silk underpants. Have some respect.
CLARENCE
Panties are silk. Briefs are
cotton. I'm out of here.
JACKIE MOON (O.S.)
Ladies and gentleman, please
rise...
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT
Welcome to Flint Michigan Fairgrounds Coliseum, basketball's
end of the world. This is more like a shitty airplane hanger
than a stadium.
9.
JACKIE MOON (O.S. )
.For the National Anthem... Of
your Flint Michigan Tropics.
MUSIC CUE: SOME SERIOUS DISCO BOOGIE
INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
WE PAN SOME STILL PHOTOS OF JACKIE MOON IN THE LOBBY.
PICTURE 1: The one-hit-wonder, Jackie moon is on an album
cover, shirtless, petting a white leopard.
JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
Baby, who wants to; love me sexy.
baby, are you ready to; lick me
sexy.
PICTURE 2: Jackie Moon in Reno, singing with Pat Boone. He
holds up his only hit single.
PICTURE 3: Jackie is getting married to LUCY MOON. She's the
hottest girl in the world.
JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
Take off your shoes and; suck me
sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're;
humping sexy--
PICTURE 4: Jackie hands over a giant check, PURCHASING THE
FLINT TROPICS.
EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT
Center court, we finally see JACKIE MOON. He sports a perm,
lamb chop sideburns and black frame glasses. He continues to
sing this song of his own creation...
JACKIE MOON
(SINGING)
Oh yeah, Baby, who wants to; love
me sexy. baby, are you ready to;
lick me sexy.
Jackie Moon is a sight to see. His one-hit-wonder is
ridiculous. But you have to admit it's catchy.
QUICK CUTS: THE RETARDED WORLD OF THE FLINT TROPICS:
THE CROWD: Under 100 people are in the stands, but they're
high energy. Lots of drinking and dancing.
10.
JACKIE MOON (V.0. )
Take off your shoes and; suck me
sexy.
THE BALL GIRLS: They bounce around in shiny-funky hot pants --
dancing cool, but not in sync. When it comes to ball girls,
Flint delivers.
THE TROPICAL AISLE: A rowdy bunch is decked out in Hawaiian
shirts and packed in behind the visiter's bench, looking for
trouble.
THE SCOREBOARD: The Magnovox has been sold. The Tropics now
do it by hand.
JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
Baby, we're naked and we're;
humping sexy...
ANGLE ON DARREN AND JODY: Two kids in WHEEL CHAIRS are parked
next to the hardwood, eating nachos and drinking giant cokes.
OPPOSING PLAYER
(to kids in wheel chairs)
Hey there son, what's your name?
WHEELCHAIR DARREN
Fuck you, Mitchstien.
WHEELCHAIR JODY
Yeah. Throw any elbows tonight and
we'll pound your fuckin' head into
the floor.
MUSIC CUE: 'TOO HOT TO HANDLE' BY HEATWAVE.
With that, the lights go out, PITCH BLACK. A spot light drops
on Jackie Moon.
JACKIE MOON
SO TELL ME FLINT, ARE WE HOT
ENOUGH? WHO'S READY FOR SOME HOT,
LUSCIOUS, FLINT TROPICS ACTION?
The crowd cheers, but not all that loud. Jackie looks off
screen and nods off screen.
BOBBY DEE works some sound effects, dialing up a knob that
says CROWD NOISE. The speakers are blown, but they're loud.
JACKIE MOON
NOW, HERE'S THE STARTING LINE UP
FOR YOUR FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS!
11.
(BEAT)
At ball girl, measuring thirty
four, twenty two, thirty six, MELIN-
DAAAAAAA.
MELINDA shakes her perfect measurements in the spotlight,
then does a series of cartwheels.
JACKIE MOON
I'm living a dream, Flint and I
know you are too.
(Booming voice again)
AT GUARD, from Peoria Illinois, six
foot one -- this guy's single and
he can cook lasagna, I've seen him
do it -- TWIGGY -- MUNSONNNNNNN!
Bobby Dee hits the disco ball as TWIGGY trots out.
JACKIE MOON
FROM SOUTH BEND INDIANA, the man
with a heart of gold, his brother's
a retard, six foot one, he drives
down to visit all the time, at
forward, he reads to him, BEE BEE
ELLISSSSSSS!
BEE BEE ELLIS does a cartwheel into a round off.
JACKIE MOON
YOUR MAN IN THE MIDDLE. Seven foot
two, from the People's Republic of
Uzbechistan, he's tall, he's
sensitive -- loves candle light and
long walks on the beach -- VAKIDIS
ROSCOVENSKIIIIIIII!
(Vakidis remains seated)
Vakidis, that's you man, I called
your name. (no response) VAKIDIS!
C'mon dude, let's go, get it
together.
Players push the giant Vakidis out onto the court.
JACKIE MOON
Now this next guy, where do I
start? First of all, that wife of
his, she is... Wow.
(gesturing re: her chest)
CANONS, people. If you know what
I'm saying. I don't think she's
here tonight, but if she was you'd
see what I'm talking about.
12.
He's a small forward, the luckiest
man in Flint: SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-
DAYYYYYYY!
Scootsie Double Day 'pops n' locks' his way onto the court.
JACKIE MOON
AND FINALLY: The man you've been
waiting for, six foot four, a
solid, meaty, two hundred fifteen
pounds, your pre-game announcer,
your owner, your coach, your pop
singing sensation, but most
importantly, your POWER FORWARD...
Yours truly... JACKIE M00000000N!!!
Jackie takes off his blazer, twirls it, then tosses it off
screen. It's game time.
At center court, PLAYER/OWNER/COACH JACKIE huddles them up.
JACKIE MOON
Alright you guys, let's huddle up!
(Vakidis is wandering)
Vakidis! Where's he walking to?
Kong, get Vakidis.
A very short Asian man, KONG, nods. The uniform hangs on his
tiny body.
KONG
You got it boss.
JACKIE MOON
(now huddled up)
Let's put on a good show tonight,
okay? Let's keep it in the air,
keep shooting, look for the
baseball pass, launch some early
threes to set the tone. Bee Bee,
try and do that no-look behind your
back thing, I love that, okay? Now
let's bring it in. One two three--
EVERYONE
(TOGETHER)
LET'S GET TROPICAL!
REVEAL: An orange cone sits over a puddle on the court.
As the Tropics break the huddle, Jackie talks to the
overweight FATHER PAT THE REF.
13.
JACKIE MOON
(smart ass)
Hey, you lose weight, Father Pat?
FATHER PAT THE REF
Oh, fuck off. What's with the cone
tonight Jackie?
Jackie points up to a leak in the ceiling.
JACKIE MOON
For safety.
Just then, Vakidis jogs over, SLIPPING HORRIBLY in the
puddle, ripping his groin.
BOBBY DEE (V.0. )
(as P.A. Announcer)
Okay Tropics fans, it's time to
guess today's attendance... Is it
A) 9,254. B) 10,506.. or C) 91
TIP OFF: The Tropics gain possession.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
Scootsie drops it in low to player-
owner-coach Jackie Moon. Known best
for his aggressive defense, leads
the team in rebounds. He's an
animal under the boards Lou.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
You're Damn right. He may not be
black, but he can play basketball.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Now, look at this, Jackie waves the
rest of his team away, looking for
the isolation. These fans are in
for a real treat.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
He looks to be setting up his 'Tear
Drop from Hades.'
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Jackie is shooting thirty-nine
percent from the field, but the
crowd always loves to see him go
for it.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
He's a true showman.
14.
Jackie dribbles hard to the hoop, tossing up a high arcing
baby hook. AIRBALL.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
Airball.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0. )
Yep, a Polish swish.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Scootsie Double-Day gets the
offensive rebound and Jackie calls
for it again, trying to establish
the low post early.
Jackie holds the ball, preparing for another 'Tear Drop from
Hades'... But now he suddenly gets distracted by something up
in the stands.
JACKIE MOON
(into the stands)
HEY! RAVI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING, MAN?
IN THE STANDS: A Pakistani vendor, RAVI, IS POURING CHEESE ON
SOME NACHOS.
RAVI
What?
JACKIE MOON
Enough with the cheese already.
More chips, less cheese, how many
times do I have to tell you?
WHISTLE! Jackie's been walking with the ball. FATHER PAT THE
REF wears a holy collar with pin strips over it.
FATHER PAT THE. REF
Traveling.
JACKIE MOON
Traveling!?... On who?
FATHER PAT THE REF
On you.
JACKIE MOON
That's bullshit, Father Pat!
Jackie, furious, SLAMS THE BALL down on the floor.
15.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
Jackie Moon. The most passionate
man in sports.
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MEANWHILE
Some hot girls in shorts hold up a sign that says 'ALL STAR
PARKING.' Ms. Quincy's BBQ delivery truck rips into the lot.
Clarence skids to a stop.
INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS
The crowd looks off camera and suddenly erupts.
CLARENCE enters out of the tunnel, he takes a bite of a
Hershey bar, then gestures to the crowd, giving the
international symbol for 'Let's get funky.'
BOBBY DEE (V.0.)
Ladies and gentleman, put your
hands together for Downtown Funky-
Stuff Malone!
Clarence tosses the half eaten candy bar, wipes his hands off
on his jersey and jogs right out onto the court during the
game, TAGGING HIS TEAMMATE OUT as if it were pick up.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Downtown, wastes no time entering
the game -- tagging out Vakidis
Roscovenski.
.CLAWS COACH
(to the ref)
C'mon Father Pat, he's got to check
into the game doesn't he?
The ref just shrugs. Downtown calls for the ball and gets it.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Downtown dribbles left, then right
a little shake and bake through the
legs -- double teamed now, he's got
Twiggy Munson open under the
basket. Downtown, still with the
ball, dribbles behind his back,
they triple him, he's got Munson
and Ellis wide open under the hoop,
but look at these moves!
The entire other team leaves their men and guards Clarence
five on one, but Clarence never passes. His four teammates
watch from under the basket.
16.
Despite his selfish attitude, it's clear Clarence actually
has some serious talent.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
Downtown has all five guys on him --
He sprints to the corner and forces
up a fade away three... YES! Wow.
You think this league's going
bankrupt? Well, think again.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
People call him selfish. I call him
the greatest show in shorts.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME
CLOSE ON: An old-timey photo of a man with a handle-bar
moustache. It's been autographed by the inventor of
basketball: 'Go Tropics! -James Naismith'
The team enters the locker room happy, even though they're
losing badly at half time.
JACKIE MOON
Yes! Nice first half guys! That's
what I call Flint Tropic's
basketball!
(BEAT)
I've been telling you all season,
we're about to make a run. Flint
Michigan is destined for greatness.
(at the chalkboard)
Twiggy, enough with the bounce
passes, let's show some zip. Bee
Bee, try not to get fouled so much,
free throws take too long.
Scootsie, what did I tell you about
catching with two hands.? God gave
you one hand for a reason: To look
awesome.
Jackie points to the chalkboard. Where one of his catchy
slogans is spelled out.
JACKIE MOON
Let's stay focused on the four
'D'S'
(pointing to the board)
Dangerous, Dangerous, Dangerous,
Dunks. Remember: This isn't just a
basketball team. It's a lifestyle.
17.
Everyone claps. Meanwhile, Clarence grabs a bunch of hair
products and goes to work. But he notices something.
CLARENCE
Yo, Jackie, is the washing machine
broken?
ANGLE ON: A few workers are taking out the washing machine.
JACKIE MOON
Listen up guys: I've got some good
news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is, we're getting rid
of that piece of shit washing
machine. The bad news is, everyone
does their laundry at home from now
on. Towels too.
Everyone complains. Boo etc. Jackie turns to BOBBY DEE a
'front office' guy.
JACKIE MOON
And Bobby Dee, I need you to clean
out your desk.
BOBBY DEE
No. I have kids.
JACKIE MOON
You're not fired. I sold your desk.
BOBBY DEE
Oh.
JACKIE MOON
(to the team)
And I'm going to shed a few
lockers, so everyone's getting a
locker buddy.
CLARENCE
Forget that. I need my own
locker... For the panty dropper.
Clarence reveals his 'panty dropper' a brown full-length
leather coat.
JACKIE MOON
Fine. Now, there's one last thing:
I've added some depth to the
roster. I think he could deliver
some firepower.
18.
CLARENCE
Firepower? Who'd you hire?
JACKIE MOON
At guard, six one, the hometown
kid, from your very own Flint
Michigan -- He punches in bunches
Ed MONIXXXXXXXX!
We hear a TOILET FLUSH. Monix exits the bathroom stall
buttoning his pants.
MONIX
You're out of toilet paper.
Monix doesn't receive a warm welcome. It's more of a stare-
off.
JACKIE MOON
Okay, now, I know everyone in this
room has probably been punched in
the face by Monix at one time or
another.
(Scootsie fumes)
One of you may have even had your
collar bone broken, twice. But
that's in the past now and-
BOBBY DEE (O.S. )
Yo, Jackie, you're on in two.
JACKIE MOON
Thanks Bobby.
(almost to himself)
I love half time.
(abruptly to Monix)
Anyways, welcome aboard.
(LEAVING)
One last thing: If you see a possum
try and kill it.
With that, Jackie leaves. Monix faces his team in silence.
MONIX
So. Who wants to be my locker
buddy?
INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MEANWHILE
It's half time show. Jackie has pulled a lucky contestant
from the audience.
19.
DUKES, the contestant, is shirtless with jeans, with a star-
spangled bandana over a mullet. He plays with a ball a
little.
A giant five by ten check is propped up, with the words 'TEN
THOUSAND DOLLARS' written in glitter.
JACKIE MOON
Ladies and Gentleman, this man is
about to attempt the impossible.
The $10,000 full court shot. So,
tell me, what's your name?
DUKES
Dukes.
JACKIE MOON
Okay, Dukes. You feeling it?
DUKES
Yeah dude.
JACKIE MOON
What are you going to spend all of
your money on if you win? A shirt?
DUKES
Yeah man, a shirt. Ha! Whoooo!
JACKIE MOON
Okay people, Dukes is excited.
Let's get some clapping going as he
prepares himself for the
impossible.
(leading the clapping)
This is drama, folks! C'mon now,
let's hear it! The $10,000 shot
people, let's hear it!!!
For the first time, Dukes looks kind of serious. He sizes up
the distant hoop...
JACKIE MOON
(doing play by play)
He looks ready... And... Here he
goes!
An uncoordinated baseball pass... Sailing off into the
distance... And...
SWISH!
The crowd can't believe their eyes.
20.
JACKIE'S FACE TURNS GHOST WHITE.
JACKIE MOON
Shit.
DUKES
YES!!! HOLY SHIT DUDE!!! I'M A
MIRACLE!!
Jackie is freaking out. Dukes has just won $10,000! Dukes
runs around court, shirtless, leaping in celebration.
JACKIE MOON
(to Father Pat the Ref)
Did he step on the line?
FATHER PAT THE REF
No, it was legal. He made it.
JACKIE MOON
Who the Hell has $10,000? I sure he
stepped on the line, you know what
I'm saying?
FATHER PAT THE REF
(getting the hint)
Listen to this crowd. You can't
screw a kid over like that. People
will kill you.
He's right. The crowd is too hyped for Jackie to explain that
he's broke.
JACKIE MOON
(accepting his fate)
Fuck me.
JACKIE HANDS DUKES THE GIANT CARDBOARD CHECK MADE OUT FOR
$10,000, IN GLITTER.
JACKIE MOON
(pretending to be happy)
CONGRATULATIONS DUKES! YOU JUST WON
A GIANT CHECK THAT SAYS TEN
THOUSAND DOLLARS!
(faking it to the crowd)
LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS THING!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR DUKES!
21.
INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE
A beautiful, down to earth woman, LYNN, 30's, is reading a
book. In the background, her boyfriend, KYLE, is listening to
the Tropics game on the RADIO.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Monix was an All-American at
Michigan State, but then went on to
a disappointing journeyman career
in the NBA. But he did manage to
sit on the bench with the world
champion Boston Celtics years ago
and won a ring.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0. )
(on radio)
I should hire his agent.
Kyle listens to this and yells to the other room.
KYLE
Hey honey, guess who got traded to
Flint?
LYNN
I don't know, who?
KYLE
Monix.
The word Monix stops her in her tracks.
LYNN
Monix?
KYLE
Yeah! He's already got an NBA ring,
but he's still playing... In Flint.
Can you believe it?
LYNN
No, I can't.
Lynn closes her book, fidgety...
KYLE
They say he asked to be traded. Who
the Hell leaves California to come
here? I love this guy.
MUSIC CUE: THE BROTHERS JOHNSON 'GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.'
22.
EXT./INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - NIGHT
Jackie cruises the streets of Flint in a pimped out Monte
Carlo. He's got chrome rims and a gold grill. The interior is
wall to wall carpeting. He swigs a beer as he turns.
JACKIE MOON
(singing with car stereo)
Get the funk outta-of-my-face...
A SIGN SAYS: THE KREMLIN. Jackie rolls up and parks in a
reserved parking space. He rolls up the windows and locks the
doors by hand and exits.
REVEAL: JACKIE HAS GIANT ICE PACKS TAPED TO HIS KNEES,
Patrick Ewing style, right over his slacks.
A police officer drinks, in uniform, outside.
COP
What's up Jackie?
JACKIE MOON
Not much.
COP
(re: the big ice packs)
Your knees okay?
JACKIE MOON
Oh yeah. Just icing them down.
INT. THE KREMLIN - NIGHT
'The Kremlin' is rocking. The beer is served in cans only.
BALL GIRL MAGGIE (O.S.)
Hey Jackie!
JACKIE MOON
Well look at you! You look
beautiful. What's different?
BALL GIRL MAGGIE
I dyed my hair.
JACKIE MOON
No, that's not it... Did your tits
get bigger?
BALL GIRL MAGGIE
No.
23.
JACKIE MOON
Don't lie to me. Those things got
bigger.
BALL GIRL MAGGIE
No, they're the same.
JACKIE MOON
Well, good job.
Jackie keeps walking, bumping into MS. QUINCY, Clarence's
mother.
MS. QUINCY
Yo Jackie. You know, that wife of
yours has been making out with that
Mark Spitz lookin' motherfucker all
night.
She gestures to a guy who's lip-locked with Jackie's wife.
LUCY MOON unbuttons her fur coat.
JACKIE MOON
Oh. It's okay, Lucy and I've got an
open relationship.
MS. QUINCY
I know that. But he's about to suck
on her Damn tits, right here in
front of all these people.
JACKIE MOON
She's hot right? What can I say,
we're freedom lovers.
(calling off to his wife)
Hey honey!
Lucy Moon ignores him, only making out harder.
JACKIE MOON
(to his wife)
Right on!
(to Quincy)
I'm not jealous. It's a sweet deal
for both of us.
MS. QUINCY
Have you ever slept with another
woman?
JACKIE MOON
I could. That's the beauty of it.
No ball and chain here.
24.
I can just go for it. You know, if
I ever get invited to some cool
orgy, it's definitely not a problem
at all.
MS. QUINCY
Have you ever been to an orgy?
JACKIE MOON
Pshh. Are you kidding? When haven't
I been?
INT. THE KREMLIN - AT A TABLE - MEANWHILE
MONIX is hanging out with Bee Bee Ellis, Scootsie Double Day
and Twiggy Munson. They all do a shot together.
BEE BEE ELLIS
I heard Jackie is going to go to
some owner's meeting. What do you
think that's about?
MONIX
I don't know, but it can't be good.
TWIGGY MUNSON
Hey, let's see that championship
ring, Monix.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Yeah, you promised we could see the
ice.
Monix takes the ring out. It hangs from his neck.
MONIX
Look at this piece. It says Celtics
right there in diamonds.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Why don't you wear it on your
finger?
MONIX
I don't know, I just like to wear
it around my neck, that's all.
NOW CLARENCE chimes in without looking over...
CLARENCE
Not everyone sits around dreaming
of playing in the NBA, you know.
25.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Maybe not. But you do.
TWIGGY MUNSON
Yeah, that's all you ever talk
about.
MONIX
You're not jealous, are you
Clarence?
CLARENCE
No one calls me Clarence.
BEE BEE ELLIS
His name's Downtown.
MONIX
Okay Downtown. I'll make sure
Downtown is only referred to as
Downtown, okay Downtown?
CLARENCE
Don't think I don't know what
you're doing. You're doing that
thing where you pretend to mean
what you say, but you don't.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Sarcasm.
CLARENCE
Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm
smacked off your face?
MONIX
Bring it, funky stuff.
BEE BEE ELLIS
That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it
again!
CLARENCE
(to Bee Bee)
I got this, alright?
Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence
takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely.
CLARENCE
(in Monix's face)
How'd you like a knuckle sandwich?
26.
MONIX
Knuckle sandwich? Who says that?
CLARENCE
I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound
you so hard, you're--
MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye
HOOK--
CLARENCE
WAIT!
CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP
LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL.
CLARENCE
(like a sissy)
--WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL
OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL--
BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY.
BEE BEE ELLIS
YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN
TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT.
One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts.
GAYLE
Excuse me boys. You mind, if I
borrow your friend for a minute?
INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE
Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice
packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS.
JACKIE MOON
(looking to the DJ)
Hold on a second.
MELINDA
What's wrong?
JACKIE MOON
Where's the boogie?
Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth.
JACKIE MOON
(to DJ, over music)
HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE?
27.
DJ
I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR
TIMES.
JACKIE MOON
GET UP.
DJ
NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS,
JACKIE. I'M THE DJ.
JACKIE MOON
(taking over as DJ)
NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK
PATROL.
SCREECH -- The music stops.
JACKIE MOON
(into the mic)
The year was 1973. A young musician
named Jackie Moon, finishes years
of musical training, only to find
he is a slave to the notes on the
page. He knows it's time to break
free. In a sudden fit of creative
mastery, he grabs a pen and a
napkin and writes a song that
breaks all the rules. Ladies and
gentleman... Let's get sweaty.
MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy.
JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
(studio version)
Baby, who wants to; love me sexy.
baby, are you ready to; lick me
sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck
me sexy. Baby, we're naked and
we're; humping sexy--
INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT
Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever.
Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water
bed, mirrors, etc.
GAYLE
I'm glad they traded for you, I got
myself a cute one.
MONIX
So, this is the Daiquiri room?
28.
LUCY MOON (O.S. )
That's right.
REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the
hottest girl in the world.
LUCY MOON
What do you think, Gayle? Does he
like it with my boots on, or does
he like my boots off?
GAYLE
He seems like a boots on kind of
guy.
LUCY MOON
Then it looks like I'm ready. As
soon as you slide these shorts off
of me.
MONIX
Aren't you Jackie's wife?
LUCY MOON
He knows about the Daiquiri room.
GAYLE
It's a new tradition we're
starting, when new players join.
MONIX
I see. Well, I'm going to have to
pass. I'm good, thanks.
LUCY MOON
Honey, you don't know what good is.
With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo--
MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.'
MONIX
Listen um...
(i.e. what's your name?)
GAYLE
My name is 'no strings attached.'
LUCY MOON
You can call me Mrs. Moon.
Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer
and closer to Monix.
29.
MONIX
I don't think this is going to
happen, Mrs. Moon.
LUCY MOON
It has to.
GAYLE
It's bad luck if you don't.
MONIX
Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to
Flint Michigan.
Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples.
LUCY MOON
(whip cream)
Why don't you lick these clean for
me?
MONIX
I can't eat dairy.
Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS
him. Monix pushes her away.
MONIX
Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go.
Monix walks down the stairs.
LUCY MOON
(calling after him)
I see what this is: You want us to
send Eric and Marcus up here?
On the way out, Monix flicks her off.
INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT
Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding
on the door.
EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT
Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't
notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it.
LYNN
Why are you here?
30.
MONIX
I got traded.
LYNN
I mean, why are you here?
MONIX
Can we talk?
KYLE (O.S.)
--Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha!
Kyle has come out to say hi.
MONIX
Yeah. Sorry man--
KYLE
What's up! That of jump shot of
yours ain't broke yet, is it?
MONIX
No. Ha.
KYLE
Great back door cut for the lay-up
in the third. That's how basketball
should be played.
MONIX
Kyle, can you give us a second? We
need to talk.
KYLE
No problem. Great game tonight man.
MONIX
Why does your boyfriend like me so
much?
LYNN
You're his favorite player.
MONIX
Look, there are still some things I
think we need to talk about.
LYNN
I've already said everything I'm
ever going to say to you.
31.
MONIX
I see.
(BEAT)
Well, I guess I'll be leaving then.
Monix walks away... Then turns back.
MONIX
You're really not going to stop me?
LYNN
No.
Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks.
LYNN
You're going to end up walking with
a cane the rest of your life. You
have to quit.
MONIX
And do what?
LYNN
I don't know... Kill yourself, I
guess.
MONIX
Kill myself?
LYNN
You act like there's nothing else
in the world besides basketball. If
that's how you really feel, then go
ahead and get it over with. I'm
going to sleep.
MONIX
Thanks for the pep. talk.
LYNN
No problem.
MONIX
Lynn.
(she opens the door again)
Can I ask you for one favor?
LYNN
You want a favor?
MONIX
My knee.
32.
LYNN
Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m.
Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs.
MONIX
No one here can drain it right.
LYNN
Fine.
Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door.
LYNN
No. You're not coming in. We'll do
it in the yard.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER
Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries
to build some confidence.
JACKIE MOON
(into the rear view, very
CIVILIZED)
Well, hello Commissioner -- Why
sure, I would love one of your
Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know
I'm a legitimate owner, you don't
have to tell me that -- We're
merging with the NBA? Oh, that's
nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one,
Commish ...
EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS
A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign
says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and
parks. He looks in the mirror one last time.
JACKIE MOON
Your Mom would be proud of you
today.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by
far the youngest of the owners.
33.
COMMISH
.I'm sure each of you have heard
the rumors. And I'm here to tell
you, the rumors are true. The ABA
will be merging with the NBA at the
end of this season.
JACKIE MOON
YES!!!
(to an old guy)
GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!!
(fists to the ceiling)
EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE
GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD!
COMMISH
Our league is sold. And the NBA
agreed to all of our financial
demands!
Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is,
without question, the greatest moment of his life.
JACKIE MOON
(to himself)
You're a real owner. You're in the
NBA.
COMMISH
Four of our teams will be absorbed
into the NBA family, the rest of
you will terminate operations.
JACKIE MOON
Exactly! You know it!
(now hearing)
I'm sorry, wait, what?
COMMISH
The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs
and the Pacers will play in the NBA
next year. The rest of us will
dissolve.
JACKIE MOON
Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How
do I dissolve into the NBA?
The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle
Jackie.
JACKIE MOON
What's happening?
34.
COMMISH
I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how.
emotional you get. We waited until
the very last second to tell you.
Jackie pounds the table.
JACKIE MOON
No. NO! NO!!!
He kicks over his chair...
THE COMMISH
We know you're upset, Jackie. But
you'll be very well compensated.
LOSING OWNER #1
Everyone's agreed to a very large
sum.
JACKIE MOON
I don't want a sum! I want my team!
(to the losing owners)
C'mon you guys, you're not going to
just sit here and take the money,
are you?
They are.
JACKIE MOON
(to winning owners)
What do the Spurs have that we
don't?
THE COMMISH
A huge fan base. A brand new
stadium. A solid economic growth
package, including strong tax
incentives.
JACKIE MOON
Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT!
COMMISH
The NBA is taking four teams,
Jackie, there's nothing I can do.
Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him.
JACKIE MOON
The best four teams should go.
35.
COMMISH
What?
JACKIE MOON
Forget the huge fan base, the
stadiums, the economic...
(a little lost)
Growing... package... inventions...
WINNING OWNER #1
(correcting him)
Economic growth pack--
JACKIE MOON
I KNOW WHAT I SAID!
(to the room)
The four teams with the best
records should merge.
LOSING OWNER #2
He's right.
LOSING OWNER #1
Yeah, that's the fairest way.
COMMISH
These four teams DO have the best
records. Flint's only won six games
all year!
JACKIE MOON
So far. The season isn't over.
LOSING OWNER #2
Yeah, maybe we should finish the
season first.
COMMISH
This plan sounds like a lot of fun,
but it's too late. The
commissioner, me, has already
decided.
LOSING OWNER #2
Actually, the terms of a merger can
only be approved by a league
mandate.
JACKIE MOON
YES. That's right. What he said.
36.
LOSING OWNER #1
I move that we vote on the terms of
the merger.
EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY
The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle
bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting.
JACKIE MOON
C'mon you guys, let's try to stay
psyched. This is a chance to become
a real NBA franchise!
CLARENCE
There's no way we can make it to
fourth place. It's mathematically
impossible.
JACKIE MOON
I ran the numbers. All we have to
do is win about eighty-two percent
of our remaining games.
CLARENCE
Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a
lot?
JACKIE MOON
Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start
hitting our threes.
(guys look around, unsure)
Listen, I know this seems like bad
news, but it doesn't have to be.
This is a big road trip for us.
We've just got to start playing
solid Flint basketball.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
I don't know. We suck, man.
JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE.
JACKIE MOON
(re: The slap)
Sorry.
JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER.
JACKIE MOON
We do not suck, okay? We just have
to want it!
37.
Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips.
BEE BEE ELLIS
What do you think, Monix?
All eyes turn on the grumpy one.
MONIX
I think we suck.
JACKIE MOON
Well... See, now there's some team
unity! Now let's load up the jet.
REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray-
painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it.
JACKIE MOON
(as they load up)
Now we've got a special treat. You
know I take care of my family.
Today, the Jet is catered. I had
Downtown's Mom pack us some hot
dish.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet!
INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone
tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down.
Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning
Scootsie's back.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Ah, watch the hot dish, man.
JACKIE MOON
Sorry Scootsie.
TWIGGY MUNSON
Hey Jackie, there's some dude out
there, wants to talk to you.
POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot
winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus.
He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband.
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER
Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check.
38.
DUKES
I tried Jackie. They won't take it.
They said it's 'symbolic.'
JACKIE MOON
What does symbolic mean?
DUKES
I don't know. But they said I need
a real check.
JACKIE MOON
I don't know what your bank is
talking about. That is a real
check. I signed it myself.
DUKES
It's written in glitter, dude.
Can't you just give me, like, a
regular sized one?
JACKIE MOON
I don't get it. People are usually
able to cash these. Maybe you
should try another bank.
(trying to wrap it up)
If you run into any more trouble,
let me know.
DUKES
Okay Jackie, thanks man.
JACKIE MOON
Any time, congratulations.
Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the
bus.
MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN.
EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY
We're flying down the highway.
INT. THE JET - DAY
Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with
Jackie to the radio...
JACKIE MOON & KONG
(singing Randy Newman)
SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON...
39.
SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON...
SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE
Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef
jerky, then yells out the window.
JACKIE
(out the window at a car)
YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON
TO LIVE...
Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats.
Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling.
Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is
sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are
eating their hot dish.
MONIX
So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot
dish' anyway?
CLARENCE
My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn
meal, why you gotta go asking
what's in it?
MONIX
It's a compliment. It's good.
CLARENCE
If it's good, then it's good. Why
do you gotta know what's in it?
What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in
hot dish, asshole.
BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Hey Monix, what were the Celtics
like?
MONIX
They were fast.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Fast? No one's faster than me. I
should be on the Celtics.
MONIX
(pointing to his mind)
Fast up here.
40.
BEE BEE ELLIS
You're supposed to be Mr.
Smartball. Why'd you get bounced?
MONIX
Well, you have to be able to jump
too.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Hey, let us see that ring again.
MONIX
Not right now, okay Twiggy?
CLARENCE
Isn't it a little embarrassing
wearing that thing everyday?
MONIX
Embarrassing?
CLARENCE
You call yourself a Celtic? You sat
through every single playoff game.
You didn't see action once. And now
you walk around wearing the ice
like you're Bill Russel. Well you
ain't.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Oh, you're just jealous.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Yeah, Monix played solid minutes,
for lots of teams. He's played in
the NBA, that's more than you can
say.
CLARENCE
Whatever. At least I never sat on
the bench and then called myself a
champion. You didn't do shit for
that Celtic team. If I was Dave
Cowens, I'd yank that ring right
off your neck.
That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got
something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word.
CLARENCE
He doesn't wear it on his finger
because he knows he didn't earn it.
He didn't even play.
41.
Monix looks out the window.
EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT
'The Jet' is parked outside the arena.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
We're just a few minutes away from
game one of the Tropic's 6 game
road trip. With talk of an NBA
merger hitting the league, there's
a new electricity surrounding
tonight's game...
INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT
Jackie addresses his team before tip off.
JACKIE MOON
Alright. Now, a lot of people out
there are writing us off. A lot
people are saying things like
'Jackie Moon is an offensive
liability.' They're saying 'Flint's
turnovers led to sixty fast break
points per game.'
(Making this up)
They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded
brother is so retarded that his
eyes look too big,. Like a French
Bulldog.
BEE BEE ELLIS
No one said that, man.
JACKIE MOON
(trying to motivate)
Yes they did. And we're going to
use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS
OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE
THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW
BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE-
EVERYONE
LET'S GET TROPICAL!
MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK.
GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two
f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS
TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul.
42.
JACKIE MOON
OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge,
Father Pat?
FATHER PAT THE REF
Both feet weren't planted.
JACKIE MOON
OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER
YOUR FAMILY.
FATHER PAT THE REF
That's it, you're out.
JACKIE MOON
What!? What did I say?
Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up
into the rafters.
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92.
GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look
pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
AH. MY COLLAR BONE!
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70.
GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense.
CLARENCE
I ain't guarding my guy anymore.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Why not?
CLARENCE
He's too'Damn sweaty, man.
(re: his wet uniform)
Look at me.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him.
Monix notices this discussion.
MONIX
Quit talking and play defense!
The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top.
44.
GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot!
Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence
trails, in perfect position...
CLARENCE
Right on! I'm open baby! Try a
behind-the-back!
Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence
isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits
him in the nuts.
CLARENCE
Ah, shit.
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91.
EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT
Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to
reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap
place.
INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone
to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message
for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet.
He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his
Championship ring necklace off.
He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his
duffle bag.
CLARENCE (O.S.)
I brought us some ice.
Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night,
enters.
MONIX
Ice? What for?
CLARENCE
I don't know, it's free.
Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts
crunching.
CLARENCE
Want some?
45.
MONIX
No thanks.
Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room.
BEE BEE ELLIS
That Root Beer machine took my
fucking change, man. White people
are assholes.
Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE
CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of
beauty.
Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops
at 'Love American Style.'
MONIX
You turned off the Celtics?
CLARENCE
I don't watch people play
basketball. They watch me.
With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it.
MONIX
(re: the marijuana)
What the Hell is that?
CLARENCE
(as he inhales)
It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin.
Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his
face.
JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's
wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player
who's sleeping in this tiny room.
MONIX
Why don't you shower in your room?
JACKIE MOON
My wife is using it. I'll be
crashing with you guys tonight.
(NOTICING)
Ice? Awesome.
(as he eats ice, re: TV)
Love American Style? Turn it up.
46.
Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his
eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES
IT.
MONIX
Jackie, have you ever even slept
with your wife?
JACKIE MOON
(LYING)
What? Are you kidding? Try, like,
every weekend. She's so hot.
MONIX
Sounds like a great arrangement.
JACKIE MOON
You guys need to wake up. Quit
living like it's the 1950's, man.
Live it up.
(showing off)
Hey Clarence, let's have some of
that smoke, bro.
MONIX
I'm pretty sure we have a game
tomorrow.
JACKIE MOON
(as he inhales)
This stuff won't affect you. It's
premium.
Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He
stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates.
MONIX
Well, if this is really going to be
my life, I might as well be stoned
like everyone else.
JACKIE MOON
Well said.
Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he
COUGHS LIKE CRAZY.
MONIX
What the Hell is this?
CLARENCE
What do you mean?
47.
MONIX
It's harsh.
CLARENCE
Take that back.
MONIX
Take what back?
JACKIE MOON
His Mom grows it.
CLARENCE
Yeah, in the yard.
MONIX
Your Mom grew this?
CLARENCE
It's sweet grass.
MONIX
Well, I'm finished, thanks.
CLARENCE
What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't
good enough for you?
MONIX
I guess not.
JACKIE MOON
C'mon man, have some respect for
his Mom's weed.
CLARENCE
That's it, I ain't sleeping in the
same bed as this motherfucker.
INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT
Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the
lens.
Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of
television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager.
AMIGO MANAGER
You want all the fans to sit on one
side of the stadium?
48.
JACKIE MOON
Yeah, just move all those people
over to this side.
(DEMONSTRATING)
See, the TV cameras are going to
face this way, right? Well, if we
fill the seats on that side, we'll
look sold out.
AMIGO MANAGER
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence
now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words,
there is barely space for a number. It's a mess.
CLARENCE
(re: Jersey, new name)
Check it out. I sewed it on the
bus.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
(struggling to read it)
What's it say?
CLARENCE
Jumping Johnny Johnson.
The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of
the court.
PETRELLI
Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the
needle point going?
CLARENCE
Kiss my ass, Petrelli.
PETRELLI
(re: the Jersey name)
Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint
sucks balls' wrong.
(BEAT)
This guy's the next Betsy Ross!
Aren't you Clarence?
The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate.
MONIX
No one calls him Clarence. His name
IS--
(BEAT)
What's your name?
49.
CLARENCE
Jumping Johnny Johnson.
MONIX
His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson.
(nose to nose)
You got that?
Jackie hurries over.
JACKIE MOON
Alright, break it up.
(to his team)
Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS!
OVER HERE. Where is he walking to?
(BEAT)
Fuck it. Listen up, we're on
National TV tonight. And you all
know what that means: The league
needs a good clean game.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit.
JACKIE MOON
Hey! You guys want to merge or not?
Because the fastest way to screw
this up is to start punching people
in the face while the commissioner
is at home, watching the game with
his kids... Children are very
impressionable. Their minds are not
yet soiled by the cruel realities
of this world.
BEE BEE ELLIS
What?
JACKIE MOON
No punching.
Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT.
Both teams turn to watch this strange thing.
The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out,
directing them across to the other side.
JACKIE MOON
THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT
ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN
ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT
AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT.
50.
INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER
The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look
crowded. The game is in full swing.
ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
This sold out crowd is loving this
one, the Amigos up by twenty-six
here in the second.
Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the
guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the
floor.
MONIX
That's a moving pick Father Pat!
C'mon!
FATHER PAT THE REF
Play on.
Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix.
PETRELLI
What's wrong Monix, cat got your
'nads?
Monix faces off.
JACKIE MOON
MONIX! NO!
(POINTING)
Not with the cameras.
(miming the commish')
He's watching.
Monix looks around and thinks...
MONIX
What about commercials?
JACKIE MOON
What?
MONIX
Commercials, what about
commercials?
Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.'
JACKIE MOON
I like it. Time out Ref!
51.
ANNOUNCER (V.0. )
A time out on the floor, 5:20 left
before the half, the Amigos 45, the
Tropics 19, we'll be right back
after this message from Shasta.
The camera's on air' red light turns off.
CAMERA MAN
(rooting them on)
And... You're clear.
JACKIE MOON
SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI.
BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY.
PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX.
BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS.
INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE
The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A
Shasta commercial is on TV.
SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.)
(on TV)
I want a pop... I want a --
Shasta...
INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS
MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR.
A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG
JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK,
KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR.
KONG
Hi-Ya!
MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES...
CAMERA MAN
And we're back in -5-
(Monix punches Petrelli)
-4-
(Petrelli punches Monix)
-3-
(Monix punches Petrelli)
52
-2-
(Monix ducks and punches)
(cuing the announcers)
AND WE'RE ON.
THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS.
ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND
SMILES.
ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
Welcome back to the ABA game of the
week...
Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the
bench.
ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
.The camaraderie and spirit of
this league is on full display here
tonight...
Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's
spleen.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME
Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the
chalk board.
JACKIE MOON
Okay, solid first half guys, but
we're going to have to make some
ADJ--
Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team,
stepping in front of Jackie Moon.
MONIX
--This is bullshit guys. They're
kicking our ass in basketball and
they're kicking our ass during the
commercials, too. Does anybody here
understand the concept of the pick
and roll? Because they're going to
keep double teaming at the top of
the key until somebody rotates the
Damn ball...
JACKIE MOON
Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball.
Monix looks at this group and gets even madder.
53.
MONIX
Does anyone in this room have any
pride? Don't you realize, this is
thelast four weeks of basketball
anyus are ever going to play?Is
thishow we're really going togo
out?You'd think we'd want toend
ourcareers battling, hustling
after every loose ball. Boxing out
under the boards. Setting picks for
our teammates. But we haven't done
shit out there.
Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads.
MONIX
We're a bunch of selfish assholes --
And I've got news for you, we
aren't going to finish in fourth,
we're going to finish dead last.
Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed.
MONIX
One day, you're going to look back
on your life... And you're going to
look back on this time... And
you're going to realize...
Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually
listening...
MONIX
.You're going to realize you
never even played basketball.
A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the
door.
MONIX
Now, you guys have fun out there in
the second half. If anyone needs
me, I'll be in the training room,
draining my knee.
Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
He's right.
54.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Of course he's right. But what the
Hell are we supposed to do about
it? We don't even have plays.
INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER
We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking
on the phone.
JACKIE MOON
(into phone)
Dukes! I don't make the rules. If
they can't cash it, maybe you'll
have to go out of state.
(BEAT)
I would if I could, but if I give
you another check, that would be
two checks. That would be $20,000,
not ten. What are you trying to
pull here?
(the other line rings)
I've got to take this other call
Dukes. Bye!--
(hits a button, answering)
Flint Tropics hot line... Oh hey
Commish ...
INT. FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS STADIUM - MOMENTS LATER
On the floor, instead of a basketball court, the stadium
holds an ice-rink. A 'Welcome to the Flint Ice Capades' sign
is being removed.
The entire basketball team is on their hands and knees
ASSEMBLING THE HARD WOOD. This is a lot of work. Clarence
hits his thumb with a hammer.
CLARENCE
Why do we have to put the court
together?
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
I guess the Ice Capades sold out.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Yeah, kids love that stuff.
Although, I find the wild-life
masks realistic and frightening.
CLARENCE
Monix should be here helping us.
55.
JACKIE MOON (O.S. )
Guys.
The guys look up to find Jackie. He does not look happy.
JACKIE MOON
The commissioner just called.
CLARENCE
What's wrong?
JACKIE MOON
I looks like we've got ourselves a
situation. We've got some new
'terms and conditions' for this
merger deal.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
What'd he say?
JACKIE MOON
Basically, we've got to average at
least 2,000 fans per home game for
the rest of the year.
TWIGGY MUNSON
2,000 people? Every home game?
JACKIE MOON
He said the NBA will only take a
franchise that has fans.
CLARENCE
Shit. Winning is going to be hard.
But getting 2,000 people to watch
is going to be impossible.
JACKIE MOON
Let's try and stay positive. My
Mother always believed Flint was a
town of destiny. And I believe
that. Now, I've already started
work on a huge idea to promote us.
CLARENCE
What kind of huge idea?
INT. THE KREMLIN - DAY
Jackie's place is empty. Monix is drinking alone, totally
blasted in the middle of the day. He hangs his head, barely
able to order.
56.
MONIX
Two more Johnny Walkers. And
another pack of Kools.
BARTENDER
You could use some fresh air,
Monix. You want to take a nap in
the back of my truck?
MONIX
(ANGRY)
Just the drinks and the smokes,
alright?
(BEAT)
Do you have any idea where Lynn is
these days?
BARTENDER
She asked me to tell you to quit
going to her house.
MONIX
Well, tell her that's just fine
with me.
BARTENDER
Okay. Sorry man.
CLARENCE (O.S. )
Monix.
REVEAL: Clarence.
MONIX
Well, well, well, look who it is.
(to the bartender)
Brian, I'd like you to meet Jumping
Johnny Downtown Funky stuff Boner-
time finger-blast Fag-erton.
CLARENCE
(to the bartender)
Johnny for short.
(to Brian, re: Monix)
Two coffees.
MONIX
So, what brings you to the The
Kremlin?
CLARENCE
Listen, I know you and I haven't
always been the best of buddies.
57.
But I've been thinking about what
you said the other night. This is
gonna be our last chance. If I'm
ever going to get into the NBA,
it's going to be with the Tropics.
MONIX
I hate to break it to you,
Clarence, but the Tropics will
never play in the NBA.
CLARENCE
So maybe we won't. But like you
said, I don't want to look back on
this with any regrets. I know what
you think of me. But I'm willing to
put our differences aside. I'm
telling you right now, I'll do
whatever it takes to win.
MONIX
You mean, like, pass?
CLARENCE
(with a smile)
I would consider passing, yes.
MONIX
Sorry kid. Even if I wanted to play
harder, this knee won't let me.
CLARENCE
I'm not just talking about you
playing point guard... I'm talking
about you teaching us...
Monix could not be less interested.
CLARENCE
Monix, you know more about
basketball than any man who's ever
set foot in Flint.
Monix drinks, not into it...
CLARENCE
All I'm saying is, instead of
getting so pissed off at us all the
time, why not just show us what the
Hell you're talking about? Coach us
a little. I mean, we can't get any
worse.
58.
MONIX
And why should I give a shit about
the Tropics?
CLARENCE
I know you. You've got all that
basketball shit stored up in your
head. I know you're dying to pass
it down to somebody. Why not us?
MONIX
What about Jackie? He's the coach.
CLARENCE
Jackie's got his hands full, trying
to sell tickets. He's obsessed.
(looking up, re: TV)
HEY! IT'S OUR VIDEO! TURN THE SOUND
UP!
ECU: THE TROPIC'S VIDEO ON TELEVISION.
ON TV: The Tropics are performing a video not unlike 'The
Super Bowl shuffle.' Each member takes a turn rapping,
dancing around wooden palm trees with a smile.
ALL THE TROPICS (V.0.)
(rapping badly)
We are the Tropics hooping crew,
running and gunning and dunking on
you -- But we're not here to talk
no trash, we're just here to do the
Tropical Mash --
This is the worst video ever made. All the guys boogie around
until Clarence steps forward, taking focus...
CLARENCE (V.0.)
(rapping badly)
I'm Johnny Johnson and I got the
moves -- If you try and stop me,
I'll just get smooth --
KONG (V.0.)
(rapping badly)
My name is Kong and I ain't five
feet -- But I get more ass than a
toilet seat --
JACKIE MOON (V.O.)
This is my team, so get to know
them -- If you get near the lane
I'll yank your scrotum --
59.
ALL THE TROPICS (V.0. )
-- We are the Tropics hooping crew,
running and gunning and dunking too
-- We're not here to talk no trash,
we're just here to do the Tropical
Mash --
The ball girls trot out and boogie with them.
BALL GIRLS (V.0.)
-- They're not here to talk no
trash -- they're just here to do
the Tropical Mash --
CUT BACK TO:
MONIX CAN'T BELIEVE HIS EYES. Either can the bartender. Monix
ignores Clarence.
MONIX
(to the bartender)
Two more Johnny Walkers.
CLARENCE
So that's the way it's going to be?
Monix doesn't answer, he just drinks. Clarence gets the hint
and walks out.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MONIX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Monix looks like shit, laying on the couch, as if he hasn't
moved for days. Apparently he's been drinking and smoking,
but not much else.
KNOCK KNOCK. Someone's at the door.
REVEAL: LYNN lets herself in.
Monix is so depressed, he is non-plused.
LYNN
Looking good Monix.
MONIX
Thanks. You too.
LYNN
Ms. Quincy told me the Tropics
asked you to coach them.
60
INT. MONIX'S BATHROOM - LATER
ECU: A SHARP NEEDLE PIERCES FLESH.
Lynn is draining Monix's knee. It looks painful.
MONIX
I know what it takes to be a real
team, Lynn.
LYNN
(re: his knee)
Stay still.
(BEAT)
And that's the reason you won't
coach them?
MONIX
It doesn't matter. The truth is, I
hate basketball right now.
LYNN
Do you really hate basketball? Or
do you hate yourself?
MONIX
Why would I hate myself?
LYNN
Well, for one, you cheated on me.
MONIX
You hate me for that. Not me.
Lynn just stares at him.
MONIX
Okay, maybe I hate myself a little.
LYNN
You don't wear the ring around your
neck anymore.
(no response)
Where is it?
MONIX
I rode the bench through the
playoffs, Lynn.
LYNN
Monix, that was greatest moment of
your career. And you look back on
it like some kind of embarrassment.
61.
MONIX
Riding the bench was the greatest
moment of my career?
LYNN
You did more than ride the bench,
Monix.
MONIX
What else did I do?
LYNN
Every practice, you took your team
to the limit. I know you did. I was
the one draining this stupid knee
of yours every night. The Celtics
were practicing against you, Monix.
And when you ran that scout team,
you were running Milwaukee's
offense better than their first
stringers ever could.
Lynn continues the business of disposing fluid into the
toilet and preparing another syringe.
LYNN
By game time, your team knew where
Milwaukee was going to be before
their own players did. The Celtics
made the right adjustments to win
that series. And those adjustments
came from you.
MONIX
So, I should be proud of running
the scout team?
LYNN
Dave Cowens put that ring in the
palm of your hand. And he told you
to wear it with pride, because you
were a champion. And he meant it
too.
MONIX
He was being a nice guy. The bench
is the bench.
LYNN
Your whole life, you've bitched
about people playing selfish. It
takes a team to win, right?
62.
MONIX
That's right.
LYNN
But when you're on the team, your
effort doesn't count? Is that it?
(BEAT)
If you weren't on the Celtics that
year, would they have won it?
MONIX
Watch that needle.
LYNN
Answer me. Would they have won?
MONIX
I don't know.
LYNN
Yes you do. You know.
Monix looks away for a moment.
MONIX
Why are you doing this? What does
any of this matter, anyway?
LYNN
What's it matter? You're drinking
yourself to death!
(BEAT)
God, I wish I hated you as much as
you hate yourself!
Lynn throws the needle. Monix dodges it.
LYNN
I made sacrifices! How many years
did I support you? And finally,
after all of our blood and sweat
and bullshit together, you got
there, Monix! You made it, you won
an NBA championship ring. It wasn't
just about you, okay? And I'm sick
of you acting like you're some kind
of joke. You didn't blow it. You're
not a fraud. You're not a fake
champion. And all the time we spent
together, fighting for you to get
to that moment, was not a waste!
You're a champion, you asshole!
(BEAT)
63.
But if you want to drink yourself
to death, go ahead. Fuck you.
With that, Lynn is gone. Monix stands alone in the bathroom,
then checks his knee.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLISEUM - NEXT DAY
It's practice. But this isn't basketball, it's DANCE
PRACTICE. The entire team performs a complicated 'intro-
dance.'
JACKIE MOON
(CHOREOGRAPHING)
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and turn like
you mean it -- Bee Bee, Arch that
back. Yes. Now, the waterfall...
One by one, each dips down like a waterfall. And now a leg
kick.
JACKIE MOON
Nice leg kick Kong. Those flexible
hips are a coach's dream.
(BEAT)
Now big finish -- and freeze. And
then we start the game after that.
CLARENCE
Are we going to practice or what?
JACKIE MOON
This is practice, okay Clarence? We
need to get two thousand people in
here! Our intro dance has to blow
people's minds.
He begins pacing around, more passionate than ever...
JACKIE MOON
From now on, I want our afros
bigger... And shinier ... . I want
our shorts shorter... And
tighter... We're going to pull our
tube socks up higher than we ever
have before.
The team seems to be looking off screen.
JACKIE MOON
What's wrong?
64.
REVEAL: Monix has been watching this whole thing. With Monix
on the court, everyone feels kind of stupid.
JACKIE MOON
Hey, you're back! Listen, you
should probably chalk your hands up
for this number.
CLARENCE
Jackie, I asked Monix to coach us.
JACKIE MOON
Coach?
Jackie is totally thrown by this. He looks around at the
team. Clearly, a decision has been made.
JACKIE MOON
What do you mean, coach?
(truly hurt)
What is this? What's going on?
(staring his team down)
It's a Mutiny.
CLARENCE
Jackie. Don't be like that.
JACKIE MOON
Hold on a second. Last time I
checked, we didn't live in Flint,
Russia. We live in Flint, America.
I'm coach until a new one is
elected.
CLARENCE
Don't make us elect Monix, man.
(Jackie Moon holds firm)
Alright, show of hands. Who wants
Monix to step in as player-coach?
Everyone feels bad, but they all raise their hands.
JACKIE MOON
Please God No.
TWIGGY MUNSON
Sorry Jackie.
JACKIE MOON
(starting to cry)
It's cool. I get it. I'm a big boy,
I can handle it.
65.
Jackie cries harder.
CLARENCE
Don't take it so hard, Jackie.
You're a great owner. We all know
that.
JACKIE MOON
Woah. Hold on. Did you just say
'great owner?'
CLARENCE
Yeah. Everyone thinks so.
JACKIE MOON
Now, when you said great owner,
were you just saying that? Because
it's not cool to mess with me about
this.
CLARENCE
We mean it. For real. Monix is just
more of an X's and O's kind of guy,
that's all.
Jackie is emotional. It's a bittersweet moment. He takes off
his whistle, then walks over and hands Monix his whistle.
JACKIE MOON
(re: The whistle)
Here. You may need this.
Now he pulls out a bunch of crazy notes on loose paper
written in ball point pen. The pages look insane.
JACKIE MOON
(handing him papers)
And here are some ideas for plays
I've jotted down. Just thoughts.
MONIX
Thanks Jackie.
(to the team)
The way I see it, any team in this
league can put together a run. Most
of our opponents are all flash. If
we play unselfish, fundamental
basketball, we can win games.
JACKIE MOON
I like it. Unselfish, guys.
66.
MONIX
Yes. Unselfish. Unselfish meaning
tough team defense, full and half
court traps, boxing your man out to
help the team rebound.
(BEAT)
Unselfish means sprinting up the
floor on every fast break NOT
because you can get a DUNK -- and
get your DICK SUCKED after the game
-- but because if you sprint up the
floor you might pull the defense
out of position and free a teammate
up for a high percentage shot.
JACKIE MOON
Wait, so, what's going on with the
blow jobs?
BEE BEE ELLIS
I vote we keep the blow jobs.
JACKIE MOON
(raising his hand)
All in favor?
Everyone raises their hands in favor of blow jobs.
CLARENCE
Would everyone let the man talk
please?
Clarence is serious. This shuts everyone up.
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER
The starters have gotten into position, guarded by the scout
team, in blue jerseys.
MONIX
The most important work we do on
the court is away from the
basketball.
Monix FLIPS OPEN A SWITCH BLADE KNIFE AND STABS THE BALL,
deflating it. This gets everyone's attention.
MONIX
(re: deflated ball)
Until you start moving like a real
team, you practice without a ball.
67.
He flings the deflated ball into the bleachers and snaps the
knife closed.
MONIX
Alright, Clarence, run the offense.
CLARENCE
I don't get it.
MONIX
Set a pick for somebody.
Clarence jogs over and stands next a scout team opponent.
MONIX
Okay, that's kind of a pick, I
guess. Try standing on the other
side of Scootsie's man, so you free
him up to cut into the lane.
Monix corrects Clarence, moving his body the way he wants him
to stand.
MONIX
Widen your stance. Plant your feet.
Hands back. Like this. Now Scootsie
GO. Set a pick for Jackie.
Scootsie cuts across the lane. The team slowly gets i
rotating faster.
MONIX
Now Jackie pick Bee Bee's man, and
rotate to the rim like this...
Everyone move to the open space.
And Clarence you swing back out up
top.
They've completed the play. Monix stands there, smiling. The
players look at each other, what's the big deal?
MONIX
You know what that was?
CLARENCE
What.
MONIX
A flash to the high side post with
an outside screen and a back door
cut. Let's do it again.
Ei 8.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Hey, how come you don't have to run
with us? You're a player, just like
the rest of us.
MONIX
I'm saving my knee for the games.
Coach's decision. NOW RUN.
Clarence sets a screen for Scootsie and they perform the same
basic rotation.
MONIX
(as they run)
We're not just rotating, we're
clearing out, making space. A pass
and cut can change defensive match-
ups. Creating seams can give us
back door looks. Down screens can
make a team vulnerable to
penetration.
JACKIE MOON
Hold on. I'm lost.
BEE BEE ELLIS
No shit. What's up with all of
these fucked up words, man?
TWIGGY MUNSON
Yeah, what are we, building some
kind of basketball space. ship?
MONIX
You don't have to understand it
yet. Just run it again. You heard
me -- AGAIN.
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - DAY - LATER
It's many hours later...
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER
The team is still doing the exact same thing. Nothing in
their moves have changed at all. They're exhausted.
CLARENCE
We've been running this play for a
long time, man.
69.
JACKIE MOON
Yeah, maybe we could try, like,
play number two.
MONIX
No. We're running this play. We're
running this play until we puke.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Basically, we have.
JACKIE MOON
Yeah, I'm pretty beat.
MONIX
'Until we puke' is not a figure of
speech. We are literally going to
puke.
JACKIE MOON
What does he mean by 'literally?'
CLARENCE
I think he's talking about vomit.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Not cool.
JACKIE MOON
Monix, can I talk to you for .a
second?
MONIX
No. No talking.
JACKIE MOON
Wait...
MONIX
GO!
Jackie hangs his head, but then accepts his fate. He runs.
MONIX
(as they run)
We need to get in shape fellas. And
we need to learn some fundamentals
quick. -- AGAIN!
They run it again, getting more and more winded.
-17 0 .
MONIX
I want you to be brain dead.
Because someday you're going to be
too tired, or too nervous to think -
- AGAIN! And when you are, this is
the play I'm going to call. The
play that your lungs and legs will
have memorized. We will be able to
run this in our sleep.
Clarence tries to gag himself with his fingers.
MONIX
HEY! No sticking your fingers down
your throat, Clarence, I saw that.
You're going to puke. And it's
going to be all natural -- AGAIN!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER
We pan along a row of toilet stalls. Behind the doors, each
player is throwing up...
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS
JACKIE IS THE LAST PLAYER LEFT. He crawls across the gym
floor, dying. Monix screams down at his deflated body.
MONIX
MOVE MOVE MOVE! FOURTH QUARTER NOW!
FOURTH QUARTER!
JACKIE MOON
You're fired!
MONIX
Fuck you.
JACKIE MOON
Fuck you.
MONIX
Get up and run. You're going to
puke like everybody else.
JACKIE MOON
Monix, I need to talk to you.
MONIX
We'll. talk after you puke. GO!
71.
Jackie can't get up, but he crawls, dying...
JACKIE MOON
I can't puke Monix!
MONIX
Yes you can. Go.
Jackie crawls harder along the hardwood.
JACKIE MOON
Monix! You don't understand. I've
never thrown up in my life.
MONIX
What are you talking about?
JACKIE MOON
I've never puked. Ever.
MONIX
That makes no sense. Everyone has
thrown up before.
JACKIE MOON
I haven't. I swear to God. I can
eat anything. I can drink anything.
I've been sick, but I've never
puked. I swear to God.
MONIX
That's bullshit. Keep moving,
you're going to puke.
JACKIE MOON
I don't puke. I can't do it! It's
the truth! I swear on my Mother's
grave.
At this point, Monix can't help but be intrigued.
MONIX
What about when you were a baby?
Babies throw up all the time.
JACKIE MOON
My Mom said I never did. I swear.
She said I was fascinating.
MONIX
No way.
72.
JACKIE MOON
You can call my Dad! I've never
puked.
When Jackie looks up at Monix, it's clear he is not lying.
MONIX
Isn't that kind of dangerous?
JACKIE MOON
What do you mean?
MONIX
What happens if you swallow poison?
JACKIE MOON
I don't know. I ate bad sausage
before. But nothing happened.
MONIX
Stand up.
Jackie manages to stand up.
MONIX
Have you ever been punched in the
Jejunum?
JACKIE MOON
I don't know. What's a Jejunum?
MONIX
It's part of your small intestine.
JACKIE MOON
I don't know. I doubt--
BOOM.
MONIX'S POWERFUL FIST LIFTS JACKIE'S TORSO IN THE AIR.
ECU: Monix's knowing fist digs deep under Jackie's rib cage.
It's the hardest punch ever filmed.
ON JACKIE'S REACTION: He stands, beyond pain, empty of any
possible air. The blood leaves his face andhis eyesbecome
confused, watering strangely.
Part of Jackie's brain wants tospeak,buthe feelsunhuman--
his lips separate only slightly.
He wanders out of frame.
73.
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLESIUM - LATER - DAY
A SIDE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. JACKIE STUMBLES OUT INTO DAYLIGHT,
INTO THE GRASS. HE PAUSES, THEN SUDDENLY STARTS RUNNING, BUT
STOPS, CONFUSED, LIKE A WOUNDED GAZELLE...
JACKIE STAGGERS FURTHER, USING A TREE TO KEEP HIS BALANCE AS
HE STRUGGLES TO STAY CONSCIOUS.
JACKIE IS ABOUT TO SPEAK, BUT HIS BODY LURCHES. HE HOLDS HIS
RIB CAGE, SHOCKED. A SUDDEN FEELING OF FEAR SHOOTS THROUGH
HIS BONES.
JACKIE MOON
(to the sky)
Mom?
WITH THAT, JACKIE PROJECTILE VOMITS. THE DISCHARGE IS BEYOND
BELIEF. A LIFETIME'S WORTH OF TOXINS ARE LAUNCHED OVER A
SHRUB. JACKIE WAILS IN DESPAIR.
MONIX stands in the doorway, watching this.
MONIX
You okay?
Jackie is about to speak, but then takes stock of his
feelings. There is now an air of tranquility about him.
Reborn. He's almost Euphoric...
JACKIE MOON
I'm beautiful.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT
An intense game is underway. The Flint team works hard away
from the ball. As the Monix voice over continues, we watch
the team move just like in practice. Monix is playing too.
Note: The team also looks 'hot.' Clarence plays with an even
bigger afro. Jackie Moon sports a large perm, striped tube
socks and the whitest thighs you've ever seen.
MONIX (V.O.)
.On offense, we share the ball.
We look for the easy pass, not the
spectacular pass...
Jackie rolls off the pick and looks for it. For the first
time in this sequence, we see the ball. Clarence has a clear
passing lane -- He feeds Jackie for a lay up.
74.
MONIX (V.O.)
. If a guy's more open than you
are, he gets the ball...
Instead of celebrating, Clarence hustles back on Defense. The
Tropics execute a half court trap. As we watch Monix play, we
continue to the voice over from practice...
MONIX (V.0.)
.On defense, we're going to learn
to play together. We're going to
use team traps to pressure people
into turnovers.
On the in bounds, Monix and Jackie Moon trap an opponent.
Monix slaps the ball free. He flips to Clarence who fakes; the
fast break dunk and dishes to Scootsie.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Can you believe that? Jumping
Johnny Johnson actually passed the
ball.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
It was a great pass, too.
The other team calls time out.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.O.)
And Jackie Moon has made several
great defensive plays down the
stretch. I tell you, Jackie's not
afraid to knock people around in
the lane. He's a monster.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
Like a retard in a China shop.
A twenty-second time out on the floor, Monix huddles them up.
MONIX
(huddling up)
Listen up. I'll in-bound. Clarence,
protect the ball and penetrate if
you can. Kick it out to Scootsie or
me and everyone crash the boards
hard. Looking good, we're thirty
seconds away from taking this one
home. Let's bring it in.
JACKIE MOON
He's right guys. But remember, we
want to win, but not by too much.
'75 .
TWIGGY MUNSON
We don't want to win by too much?
MONIX
What the Hell is he talking about?
CLARENCE
He's worried about the corn dogs.
MONIX
What?
CLARENCE
If we score a hundred points,
everyone gets a free corn dog.
There are signs everywhere.
JACKIE MOON
I'm sorry, Monix, but we don't even
have corn dogs.
MONIX
I don't give a shit. We're taking
it to them.
JACKIE MOON
We're up by seven, Monix. Can't we
just take it easy? We're talking
about a lot of corn dogs here.
BEE BEE ELLIS
There could be a riot.
MONIX
I don't give a shit about the corn
dogs, okay? We play hard every
second. We're running the offense.
Everyone got that?
Everyone nods. WHISTLE!
ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
The Tropics are just one bucket
away from the magic number. Listen
to this crowd. They know what's at
stake: A free corn dog.
Monix has the ball in his hands. He in bounds to Clarence.
Clarence penetrates and kicks it to Scootsie.
Scootsie has an open look. He sizes up a jumper...
76.
FLYING IN LIKE THE WIND IS JACKIE MOON... JUMPING HIGHER THAN
HE EVER HAS BEFORE IN HIS LIFE...
REJECTED. SCOOTSIE'S SHOT IS BLOCKED.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Look at this, Jackie Moon has just
blocked his own teammate's shot.
I've never seen this before.
THE BALL BOUNCES UNDER THE BASKET TO VAKIDIS, WHO SEEMS TO
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.
JACKIE MOON
VAKIDIS! NO!!!
VAKIDIS TAKES THE BALL AND GOES FOR A DUNK --
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Vakidis takes it up strong to the
basket...
BAM! JACKIE MOON TACKLES VAKIDIS INTO THE STANDS.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Ooh. He gets taken out hard by the
coach.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
Nice!
The ball bounces into the air, rolls around the rim... And
DROPS IN.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
And the basket is... GOOD!
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE. TROPICS 100 PRO STARS 91.
JACKIE MOON
Shit.
INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - LATER
The daiquiri room is crowded with guys. JACKIE is having a
team meeting.
JACKIE MOON
I asked you up to the Daiquiri
room, because this is a private
matter.
(everyone looks around)
As you know, I threw up recently.
77.
It was the first time in my life.
And, well, it's made me feel... I
guess you could say I've got a new
clarity in life.
(Everyone stares back)
Since vomiting on Wednesday, I've
been facing my demons. I'm not
going to be an imposter any more.
(BEAT)
And I want you to know, I just
mailed out 562 corn dog coupons.
(BEAT)
And I'd like to bring somebody
special in... DUKES!
Dukes walks in. He is still shirtless. Jackie hands him a
duffel bag.
JACKIE MOON
In this bag, is ten thousand
dollars.
DUKES
No way. Really?
JACKIE MOON
Actually, it's twenty three
hundred. But I'm going to pay you
the rest. The Tropics will not let
you down. From now on, I want my
conscience clear.
DUKES
Wow. Thanks Jackie.
JACKIE MOON
Can I confess something to
everyone? It's something I've never
told anybody.
CLARENCE
What is it?
JACKIE MOON
You know my song 'Love Me Sexy?'
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Everyone knows that song.
JACKIE MOON
I stole it.
TWIGGY MUNSON
No.
7 8
JACKIE MOON
It's true.
(turns away, dramatic)
My Mom wrote it. Three weeks before
she died. And I stole it.
Even Monix is fascinated by this.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Wait, your Mom wrote that? Was she
a singer?
JACKIE MOON
No, she wrote it on a napkin. I
duped the whole world. I'm nothing
but a fraud.
(BEAT)
It's true, I'm a famous singer. And
I've landed the hottest wife in the
world. But, to be honest, we
usually only sleep together once a
year. On VJ day.
CLARENCE
Damn. VJ day? That's cold.
JACKIE MOON
(ignoring Kong)
And even on that day, I don't feel
like it's me who's sleeping with
her.
BEE BEE ELLIS
What does that mean?
JACKIE MOON
She married me because of my song,
but I didn't write it. So sometimes
I feel like it's not even me who's
with her.
(more emotional)
Deep down, I feel like it's really
my Mom who is making love to her.
When I hold Lucy's supple breasts
in my hands, they are my Mom's
hands. When I eat a pair of edible
panties off of her, they are my
Mom's teeth.
DUKES
That's pretty weird.
79.
JACKIE MOON
I'm living in a prison, Dukes.
CLARENCE
Why don't you write a song
yourself? Then you wouldn't feel
like a fake any more.
JACKIE MOON
Oh please! I could never write
anything as brilliant as 'Love Me
Sexy!'
(standing tall)
Listen to me, Tropics. Today is a
new day. I am going to be the
greatest basketball owner you've
ever seen. And we're going to make
it to fourth place.
MUSIC CUE: HOT CHOCOLATE 'EVERY 1's A WINNER.'
MEGA-MONTAGE: THE TROPICAL FEVER SEQUENCE. (Note: The music
fades in and out throughout as needed).
-PRE GAME: The Tropics do their 'intro dance.' They perform
the waterfall down into.a cool pose. The crowd loves it.
-TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS: They run a fast break weave, Monix makes
the layup. Clarence penetrates and dishes to Jackie for a
pull up jumper.
-THE TROPICAL AISLE: Fat people in Hawaiian shirts go crazy.
A lady chucks her nachos at the other team.
-RESULTS: The scoreboard shows a Tropics win.
-ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 182 fans.
-MORE INTRO EXCITEMENT: Jackie introduces his starting five.
JACKIE MOON
(into mic)
And at guard, six foot two.
Formerly known as Clarence Withers,
and Sugar Dunkerton, and Downtown
Funky Stuff Malone, and Jumping
Johnny Johnson -- He's launching
his new name tonight -- Put your
hands together for: COFFEE BLACK.
Clarence jogs out with Coffee Black sewn into his jersey...
80.
-RESULTS: A newspaper shows the Tropics have moved out of
last place.
-ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 406.
-JACKIE THE PROMOTER: He's giving away a mountain of
cupcakes. A lucky fan stands next to him.
JACKIE MOON
(into mic)
Eric has just won CUP CAKE
MO UN TAINNNNNNNNN!!! Can you imagine
how that feels? Who wants to see
Eric take a bite!?
-ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 620.
-THE KREMLIN: The team parties like it's 1976. The ball girls
are looking pretty good.
-MONTAGE CONTINUES WITH TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS. As music cranks,
Clarence dribbles and pulls up for a little floater. On
defense, Jackie rejects a shot.
-WHEELCHAIR DARREN AND JODY: Jody wheels right out onto the
floor, an opponent flips over her and tumbles. Jody spills
out of her wheelchair, totally psyched.
OPPOSING PLAYER
My God, are you okay little girl?
WHEELCHAIR JODY
Eat my crippled ass.
-RESULTS: Three successive winning scores are flashed in a
row. A newspaper shows the Tropics moving up further in the
standings.
-CLARENCE'S MOM: Quincy is throwing. a party for the team at
their BBQ place. She dances happy.
-NEW PROMO PHOTOS: QUICK CUTS of the team's new glossy
calendar: Mr. January: Jackie wears only a tool belt.
February: Clarence lies on a lamb wool rug. March: Bee Bee
Ellis, by a waterfall, wears a cardigan. April: Monix,
annoyed, holds a rose in his teeth.
-ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 711.
-MONIX THE MASTERMIND: In the meeting room, Monix and the
team study film. Monix draws up a defensive scheme on the
board. On the court, he gives Clarence an advanced lesson.
81.
MONIX
Rotate further out from the key, so
when you get the ball you can face
the basket. You've actually got
some moves, so you can penetrate...
FLINT RALLIES AROUND THEIR TEAM: The guys in Hawaiin shirts
are out flyering.
TROPICAL AISLE GUY
Come see the Tropics tonight!
TROPICAL AISLE GUY #2
See the biggest half time stunt
ever.
-MONIX THE PLAYER: Despite his knees and back killing him,
Monix plays like a champion. He's still got some jump left
too. He knows this is his last run, there's nothing left to
save it for.
-TRAINING ROOM: Clarence drains Monix's knee.
-JACKIE THE PROMOTER: Jackie's wife, Lucy Moon, rides a
mechanical bull topless. The crowd goes nuts.
JACKIE MOON
Good job honey! Looking good.
-ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 890.
-TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS: Scootsie Double Day Scores. Twiggy Munson
Scores. Bee Bee Ellis scores. Jackie Moon hits a ill advised
three pointer. Monix rejoices, he's actually having fun.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
.Jackie Moon with a three. He's
the fourth player in double
figures. They're really sharing the
ball tonight.
-FLINT RALLIES AROUND THE TROPICS: People are buying Tropic's
jerseys.
-RESULTS: The standings show the Tropics all the way up to
sixth place.
-FLINT RALLIES AROUND THEIR TEAM: The ball girls are doing a
kick line, wearing cute cheerleader skirts. Clarence watches
from the bench.
82.
CLARENCE
Hold up. Are these girls wearing
underwear?
JACKIE MOON
Which girls?
(turning around)
Oh. It doesn't look like it. Wow.
It's true, the ball girls are flashing the crowd with every
kick.
CLARENCE
(MESMERIZED)
Nice work, Jackie.
JACKIE MOON
I didn't do it. They did.
Melinda winks at Jackie, as her skirt flips up. The crowd is
going goes crazy.
-ATTENDANCE: The clicker raises to 906.
-MORE PRACTICE: Clarence slams a dunk and does a jig.
MONIX
Clarence, do me a favor, if you
dunk the ball, don't dance
afterwords. Act like you've been
there before.
JACKIE MOON
Actually, Monix, I need him to
dance. A lot. The fans need it.
(BEAT)
It's either that, or we play with a
monkey.
MONIX
Fine, you can dance a little bit.
JACKIE MOON
If you dunk it, go fuckin' ape
shit.
-GAME TIME. CLARENCE DUNKS THE BALL: He immediately launches
into a preposterous celebration: Back flip, 360 spin down to
the splits, back up, he and Jackie give each other ten and
then do an extended hand jive routine. Now Jackie blows
Clarence a kiss, which 'knocks him out flat.' Clarence then
poses, elbow on the floor, hand under his head, smiling.
83.
JACKIE'S WIFE: LUCY MOON sleeps with LOU REDWOOD.
-JACKIE THE PROMOTER: Halftime, at center court, a ramp is
set up. Behind the ramp, all the ball girls lay head-to-toe.
BOBBY DEE (V.0.)
These beautiful girls reach a
combined total of 47 feet... And
here he comes...
Jackie comes ROLLER-SKATING at high speed. He hits the jump --
It's going to be close --
BAM! HE LANDS HARD, POUNDING DOWN ON TOP OF THE LAST GIRL.
SHE IS ABSOLUTELY FLATTENED BY THE IMPACT.
JACKIE HOLDS HIS LEFT SHOULDER IN PAIN, THEN STANDS AND LIFTS
HIS OTHER HAND, CLAIMING VICTORY.
THE GIRL ROLLS OVER TO HER BACK, TRYING TO STAY CONSCIOUS.
BOBBY DEE (V.0.)
How about that!
END OF MONTAGE.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT
Jackie is on the bench, mid-game. Bobby Dee is taping his
shoulder.
JACKIE MOON
OW.
(Bobby Dee stops taping)
No, keep doing'it.
BOBBY DEE
You sure boss?
JACKIE MOON
Just keep taping it up. I'm fine.
Now the COMMISH (the league official) steps over.
COMMISH
Hey Jackie.
JACKIE MOON
Oh, hey Commish.
(a little worried)
84.
I didn't know you were in town this
weekend.
COMMISH
Listen, my office has been getting
your numbers. You claim you've had
over two thousand people at every
home game this month.
JACKIE MOON
(dead pan)
That's correct.
The commissioner looks around, skeptical. As we scan the
stands, it's clear the crowd is still not big enough.
COMMISH
Well, we've counted only nine
hundred and eighty three here
tonight.
JACKIE MOON
What, you don't think people go to
the bathroom?
(Commish isn't buying it)
Saturdays can be a little slow. You
should have been here the other
night, it was SO PACKED.
COMMISH
Don't bullshit me, Jackie.
The commish waves over a little bald man in a suit. PEEKSKILL
carries a brief case and never talks.
COMMISH
From now on, Peekskill here will be
attending every Tropics home game.
You're going to have to get a real
crowd here if you want to qualify
for the merger.
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
Jackie Moon is being interviewed on a local talk show.
INTERVIEWER
So, the Tropics will be at a size
disadvantage against the Americans.
How do you intend to match up with
their strong inside game?
85.
JACKIE MOON
Tomorrow, at half time, I, Jackie
Moon, will wrestle a bear.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, well there's something. But,
defensively, as a team, do you
THINK--
JACKIE MOON
--That's tomorrow! One night only!
See Dewie the wrestling bear attack
me. He's killed people in public
before.
INTERVIEWER
Okay, well, that's some half time
show.
JACKIE MOON
I'M TELLING YOU, NOBODY CAN MISS
THIS! IF YOU'RE A CHILD, TAKE MONEY
OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S PURSE AND WALK
TO FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS
COLISEUM! EIGHT O'CLOCK!
INTERVIEWER
Well, there you have it. Jackie
Moon, thanks for stopping by. From
channel 5, this is Mick Kenterman,
signing off. Good night.
JACKIE MOON
DEWIE IS INSANE. HE COULD RIP MY
HEAD OFF!
EXT. LYNN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
LYNN carries the garbage out. As she closes the lid, she
notices something.
REVEAL: Monix is standing in the yard.
LYNN
Well, if it isn't the toast of
Flint Michigan. Shouldn't you be
out signing autographs?
Monix doesn't speak... He stares into her eyes for a moment.
MONIX
Will you marry me?
86.
LYNN
What?
MONIX
You heard me.
LYNN
Technically, we're still married
right now, Monix.
MONIX
You know what I mean.
LYNN
Do I?
MONIX
Do you love me?
LYNN
Probably.
MONIX
Then let's do it. For real this
time. I need you.
LYNN
Shit. I know you need me, Monix.
The question is, do I need you?
KYLE (O.S.)
WHAT'S UP MONIX!?
Kyle pokes his head out of the screen door. He wears a Flint
Jersey with Monix on the back.
KYLE
CHECK OUT THE JERSEY, MAN. I'M YOU.
HA!
MONIX
YEAH. HA!
(to Lynn)
And I suppose you need him?
LYNN
He's loyal.
MONIX
Dogs are loyal.
87.
LYNN
He ain't stupid, if that's what
you're trying to say.
MONIX
HEY KYLE!
KYLE
YEAH?
MONIX
CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR? CAN YOU GO
PICK ME UP A TUBE OF BEN GAY?
KYLE
NO PROBLEM, I'LL LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
Monix and Lynn meet eyes. Lynn tries not to smile, trying to
be mad. Kyle pulls on some jeans and gets into his truck.
LYNN
Don't fuck with him. It's just
rude.
MONIX
(while looking at Lynn)
DON'T GO TO THE PHARMACY, KYLE. I
NEED A BIG TUBE, THE KIND THEY SELL
OUT AT LUGER'S, ON ROUTE 59.
KYLE
I'M ALREADY GONE BRO.
LYNN
(eyeing Monix)
What do you think you're doing?
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Monix and Lynn are HAVING SEX.
Lynn is aggressive.
Years of pent up emotion are building to a climax...
INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Meanwhile, KYLE RE-ENTERS THE HOUSE!
88.
KYLE
(to the empty living room)
What's up. I forgot my stupid walle-
-Kyle stops in his tracks. He HEARS a sound he's never truly
heard before, Lynn having an orgasm. He slowly walks toward
the bedroom.
KYLE'S POV: Peeking around the corner, we spy Monix and Lynn
still going at it.
ON KYLE: His whole body goes numb, his face turns red... We
hold on his face until:
KYLE
Monix?
(BEAT)
Yes.
Still undetected, Kyle settles in to watch the show, still
wearing his Monix jersey.
Lynn finally looks over and spots Kyle. We can't be sure, but
his hand might be in his pants. Lynn can't believe her eyes.
LYNN
(having sex, whispering
off to Kyle)
Stop that.
KYLE
Stop what?
LYNN
(in pig Latin)
Ixne-on-the-erking off-je.
Monix finally notices his sex partner is having a
conversation. He turns to see Kyle.
MONIX
Woah. What the fuck?
KYLE
Monix, you of dog!
MONIX
What the Hell are you doing!?
KYLE
Hey, I'm the victim here. I'm
allowed to do as I please. This was
an honor.
89.
LYNN
What?
Monix stands up, wrapping a sheet around him.
MONIX
I'm outta here.
KYLE
Oh, c'mon man. Don't be like that.
It's all cool.
MONIX
Believe me, this is not all cool.'
Monix grabs his shit and walks out of the bedroom.
MONIX
I'll call you.
KYLE
Okay.
LYNN
Not you, asshole. He was talking to
me.
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT NIGHT
There's a real buzz in the air. People are pouring into the
stadium tonight. Clarence is right outside the locker room,
eating a Bit-o-Honey, watching with amazement.
OFFICER MILLER
Hey is that Coffee Black? I'm
officer Miller, State Correctional,
I'm a big fan, you can call me
Jimmy.
CLARENCE
Nice to meet you.
OFFICER MILLER
Jackie Moon ordered up a bus full
of prisoners. Any idea where we all
should sit?
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS
PAN: The PRISONERS are all packed into the stands. Next to
them is a huge group of ladies from an OLD FOLKS HOME... Next
to a bus load of SICK KIDS from the hospital.
90.
ON PEEKSKILL trying to count. There's no use analyzing it,
the place is sold out and the fans are going nuts.
CENTER COURT: In a wrestling ring, Jackie is in a wrestling
singlet, wearing head gear, drinking from a squirt bottle.
PAN TO DEWIE THE BEAR, ready to go.
CLARENCE, DRESSED AS A REF, is standing in front of JACKIE,
messaging his shoulders.
CLARENCE THE REF
We sold out, man. You did good.
JACKIE MOON
I'm scared of bears, Clarence.
CLARENCE THE REF
What?
JACKIE MOON
I hate these things. I'm freaking
out right now.
CLARENCE THE REF
If you're scared of bears, why the
Hell are you wrestling one then?
JACKIE MOON
Look at this place. We're packed.
It was a good idea.
CLARENCE THE REF
Well, don't worry, you'll pin him
easy. It'll be fine.
JACKIE MOON
You don't understand. I don't like
bears. I'm feeling dizzy.
Jackie is seriously petrified. Clarence adjusts the collar of
his ref jersey and looks around, worried about his friend.
CLARENCE THE REF
Maybe we should call it off.
JACKIE MOON
NO. Look into my eyes.
(Clarence does)
You're the ref tonight. No matter
what happens in there, do not stop
the fight, okay?
91
These people came to see a show.
I've got to make it through at
least one round.
CLARENCE THE REF
Okay, until you finish the first
round, I won't call it. Hey, how
bad can three minutes be, right?
BEAR HANDLER (O.S.)
Are you guys ready?
The bear handler is a large frizzy haired woman.
CLARENCE THE REF
I don't know, are we ready?
JACKIE MOON
Yeah, let's do it.
BEAR HANDLER
You guys want to give me a safe
word?
CLARENCE THE REF
What's a safe word?
BEAR HANDLER
It's a word for you to yell to the
Ref, so he can stop the match.
JACKIE MOON
I don't need a safe word.
BEAR HANDLER
Tell you what, if you get injured
or you really feel like you're in
danger, yell, um, I don't know...
Spumoni. Once I get a signal from
the ref, I'll come in.
CLARENCE THE REF
What's Spumoni?
JACKIE MOON
It's an Italian Gelato, sort of
like Almond flavored ice cream.
CLARENCE THE REF
Is it good?
JACKIE MOON
I don't know, I've never had it.
92.
BEAR HANDLER
It's really good.
(Jackie and Clarence nod)
Okay, so Spumoni is the safe word
then?
JACKIE MOON
No, I don't need a safe word, okay?
Let's just do this. One round.
(nodding to the bell man)
DING DING DING! The bell has rung. The crowd goes crazy.
Clarence assumes his position as ref.
Jackie walks slowly toward the bear, frightened.
They bear scratches his belly, cute. Jackie immediately
quits.
JACKIE MOON
(re: The scratching)
Okay, fuck this.
CLARENCE THE REF
What? You can't quit already.
JACKIE MOON
SPUMONI. I'm out of here.
CLARENCE THE REF
You can't SPUMONI, all he did was
scratch his nuts.
JACKIE MOON
Well, too bad, I'm SPUMONI-ING.
PEOPLE START TO BOO. Jackie looks around at the angry crowd.
CLARENCE THE REF
You gotta give 'em a show. C'mon,
the bear seems pretty tired, look
at him.
It's true, the bear is pretty docile. The bear's indifference
gives Jackie a glimmer of confidence.
CLARENCE THE REF
Just test him out a little. Maybe
it won't be so bad.
Jackie nods, then hops around with his dukes in the air. Now
he does a shuffle for the crowd. After dancing a bit, the
bear is still motionless.
93.
JACKIE MOON
(tapping the bear)
C'mon Dewie...
(off screen)
What's going on? Is he going to--
--THE BEAR MAULS JACKIE. LIKE LIGHTENING, JACKIE HAS ALREADY
BEEN TACKLED AND STRANGLED AGAINST THE ROPES.
JACKIE MOON
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!
CLARENCE THE REF
Damn.
BEAR HANDLER
Woah-ho. I've never seen that
before.
THE CROWD IS GOING BALLISTIC. NOW THE BEAR THROWS JACKIE
ACROSS THE RING LIKE A LIMP RAG DOLL.
JACKIE MOON
AAAHHH!!! SPUMONI!!!
CLARENCE THE REF
NO SPUMONI.
JACKIE MOON
FUCK YOU CLARENCE! SPUMONI!
THE BEAR IS GOING BALISTIC. JACKIE TRIES TO CRAWL AWAY, BUT
DEWIE JUMPS ON HIM, GRABS HIS HEAD AND TRIES TO RIP IT OFF OF
HIS SHOULDERS. THIS BEAR HAS LOST HIS MIND.
JACKIE MOON
(to the handler)
SPUMONI!
ANIMAL HANDLER
(to Clarence)
I THINK MY BEAR'S SPOOKED, REF. I
THINK YOU NEED TO CALL IT.
CLARENCE THE REF
NO. ONE ROUND. THIS IS WHAT HE
WANTS, TRUST ME.
GASPING FOR BREATH, JACKIE IS BEING SUFFOCATED BY A POWERFUL
BEAR HUG.
94.
JACKIE MOON
PLEASE GOD, SOMEONE SPUMONI! I'M
BEGGING YOU, CLARENCE.
CLARENCE THE REF
LOOKING GOOD, BOSS.
JACKIE IS HANGING HALF WAY OUT OF THE RING. HE'S NOSE TO NOSE.:
WITH THE BEAR HANDLER.
JACKIE MOON
(screaming at the bear
HANDLER)
GELATO! ALMOND ICE CREAM!
(in Italian)
Asta zittu'sto parcnuso spumoni!
BEAR HANDLER
(to Clarence)
WE HAVE TO STOP IT!
CLARENCE THE REF
NO WAY! I'M THE REF!
BEAR HANDLER
(climbing in)
Screw this, I'm stopping it.
The bear handler tries to get into the ring with a stick and
loop. But CLARENCE TRIES TO PUSH THE BEAR HANDLER back out of
the ring.
DEWIE TURNS TO FIND HIS HANDLER IN DANGER.
LIKE LIGHTENING, THE BEAR MAULS CLARENCE.
CLARENCE THE REF
AAAHHHHH!!! I'M THE REF!!!
SPUMONI!!!
DING! The first round is over, but the bear does not return
to his corner.
CLARENCE THE REF
THE BELL RANG! SPUMONI!!!
MUSIC CUE: 'KING KONG' BY JIMMY CASTOR
MONTAGE: SOLD OUT FLINT ROLLS TOWARD FOURTH.
The Tropics play awesome.
A SIGN SAYS 'SOLD OUT!'
95.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
And it's another sell-out crowd for
the Flint Michigan Tropics.
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 111 COLONELS 98.
AGAIN, THE SIGN SAYS: SOLD OUT!
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 90 SQUIRES 81.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Taking it strong to the rim is
Coffee Black. Yes! This sold out
crowd is going nuts. You've been a
little quiet Lou, how are you
doing?
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
A Mexican stole my bike.
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 92 AMERICANS 87.
ON THE SIGN: SOLD OUT!
BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 105 CONQUISTADORS 91.
The team celebrates the win.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
And, believe it or not, the Flint
Tropics are in perfect position to
qualify for the NBA merger. If they
win their final game, they'll
clinch fourth place. But nothing is
ever easy against the first place
San Antonio Spurs.
As Jackie does a victory dance, the commissioner approaches.
COMMISH
Jackie.
JACKIE MOON
Oh, hey Commish. Good game huh? And
a packed house too.
COMMISH
I need to talk to you... And the
rest of your team. Alone.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT
The whole team stands solemnly.
96.
COMMISH
I'm sorry, but even if you beat the
Spurs on Friday, we just can't have
an NBA franchise in Flint.
MONIX
What are you saying?
COMMISH
It's just not good business. Flint
isn't a big enough media market,
okay? This stadium is small and,
frankly, it needs to be torn down
before someone gets hurt. I'm sorry
but nobody ever thought you guys
could ever get this far.
CLARENCE
Well tough shit. This team did make
it this far. Rules are rules.
COMMISH
Rules are rules... Until the
expansion committee makes new
rules. Then those rules are the
rules.
Everyone looks at each other. Jackie's brain has slipped into
a deep trance. He is no longer inside his body.
COMMISH
Don't take this personally, Jackie.
These other teams have strong
markets, new stadiums. It's just
not going to happen for you Flint
boys. I'm sorry.
The devastation of what is happening is palpable. Nothing has
ever hurt this bad before.
COMMISH
I know you're going to punch me,
Jackie. So let's just get it over
with.
The commissioner stands brave, eyes closed, chin out.
Jackie is too confused and devastated to hit anything. He
stumbles out of the room like a zombie. The team follows.
The commissioner opens his eyes. A long silent beat...
97.
COMMISH
(to himself)
How did I get out of that one?
Suddenly KONG darts in and squeezes the commissioner's balls
with a kung fu grip.
COMMISH
Ah!
EXT. FLINT TROPICS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT
The team files out into the parking lot, totally devastated.
TWIGGY MUNSON
This can't be happening.
BEE BEE ELLIS
They can't just do this, can they?
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
We can get a lawyer, dude. We can
fight this!... Can't we?... Monix?
Monix just looks to the ground, as in 'it's over.'
BEE BEE ELLIS
Jackie... Please... Say something.
Jackie opens his mouth... He tries to speak, but he can't.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Are you crying?
JACKIE MOON
I don't know.
(contorting his face)
I'm trying to.
(looking to the sky)
I wish I could just puke this away.
(to Monix)
Do it to my Jejunum, Monix. Help
me.
But Monix is leaving. He turns and walks off, alone down the
dark street... The others walk away too...
JACKIE MOON
Wait! Monix! Where is everyone
going?...
98.
MUSIC CUE: 'IT'S TOO LATE' BY ISAAC HAYES.
MONTAGE: PLAYERS OF FLINT ARE DOWN AND OUT.
-CLARENCE walks alone along the river.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
In an American Basketball
Association policy shift, it seems
the Flint Tropics will not be
playing for an NBA birth after
all...
-BEE BEE ELLIS stands in the middle of the Tropics court,
upset.
-JACKIE walks, sad, along the streets of Flint -- Now he
suddenly picks up a pipe and SMASHES THE WINDSHEILD of an
innocent truck. He turns and TACKLES A GARBAGE CAN.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Friday's match-up against the first-
place San Antonio Spurs will be the
Tropics final basketball game...
-SCOOTSIE DOUBLE DAY finishes spray-painting the words
'BULLSHIT' on a wall. REVEAL: He is in his own child's
nursery room. The baby starts crying.
-The TROPICAL AISLE guys are fat and shirtless, burning their
Hawaiian shirts outside the stadium.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
And if that news wasn't bad enough
for the Tropics, we've just been
informed that Coffee Black, the
team's top scorer, has been traded
to the Spurs.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
At least someone from Flint is on
his way to the NBA next year.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. THE THE KREMLIN - CONTINUOUS
MONIX is back on his bar stool, drinking and smoking, it's
been a long night.
Now CLARENCE ENTERS the Kremlin... And makes the long walk
over to sit next to Monix.
99.
CLARENCE
Thought I might find you here.
(long beat)
I got traded.
MONIX
Yeah, I heard.
CLARENCE
I guess the San Antonio Spurs are
picking up the players they want,
before we're eligible for the
expansion draft.
MONIX
Coffee Black, going to the NBA...
CLARENCE
They won't let me finish out with
the Tropics. So, we'll be playing
against each other in the last
game. That's pretty weird.
MONIX
It won't be weird. The game doesn't
count.
CLARENCE
Listen I'm sorry about--
MONIX
Don't be sorry.
CLARENCE
I mean, I just want to say that,
this year, you really--
MONIX
--DON'T. Alright? Just don't.
Clarence stares at him. Then eventually stands up to leave.
There are a million things he wants to say, but he says this:
CLARENCE
We worked so hard.
MONIX
Well, it was all for nothing.
CLARENCE
So, that's just it then?
100.
MONIX
That's just it.
Clarence shakes his head and walks out.
EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - MORNING
The morning sun shines down on the sad town of Flint.
Monix walks home in the street. He stops and TAKES A LEAK
right in the middle of the road. A car honks at him to get
out of the way, then skids to a stop.
Lynn pokes her head out of the car.
LYNN
What the fuck are you doing?
MONIX
Oh. Hey Lynn.
INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY
Monix is on the couch, drunk. He gazes at the TV and swigs
his beer.
Now LYNN walks in.
LYNN
I thought the deal was, you were
going to sleep.
MONIX
Pshh. Relax.
LYNN
So, you're just going to sit here
in my house and drink for the
entire day?
MONIX
You got a problem with that?
LYNN
Yeah, I do. Maybe you could put
some pants on and go piss off
somebody else.
MONIX
Fine, maybe I will!
(STANDING)
Where are my pants?
101.
LYNN
Tell me something, Monix-
MONIX
No.
LYNN
Whatwereyou trying to accomplish
thisyear?You never really gave a
shitaboutthat NBA merger, did
you?
Monix doesn't say anything.
LYNN
The merger, Monix, did you ever
care about it?
Monix still stays quiet.
LYNN
Tell me, if you didn't care about
the merger, what the Hell were you
playing for!?
MONIX
I wanted fourth place! Okay? That
was the whole fucking thing!
LYNN
Well, guess what! Fourth place is
still sitting there, waiting for
you to win it!
Monix doesn't look at her.
LYNN
Think about it.
EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - DAY
A wide shot of an alley. We hear a familiar voice off screen.
JACKIE MOON (O.S.)
(singing bizarre)
Baby, who wants to- love me sexy!
baby, Ugh, are you ready to; lick
me sexy!!!? Yeah yeah!! HA!
INSIDE A DUMPSTER, REVEAL: Jackie lays in garbage and sings
up to the sky. It's official, he has lost his mind.
102.
JACKIE MOON
(tweaking the lyrics)
I'm a big faker and I stole this;
Song-ly sexy. I'm the biggest
failure in the; world-ly sexy. I'm
going to kill my; self-y sexy.
BEE BEE ELLIS (O.S.)
Jackie?
Bee Bee Ellis hears Jackie voice and discovers him in laying
the garbage. Jackie ignores his teammate.
JACKIE MOON
I'm going to hang myself with an
extension; cord-y sexy.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Jackie! What the Hell are you doing
in a dumpster?
JACKIE MOON
(ignoring Bee Bee)
I am urinating in my pants right
now.
BEE BEE ELLIS
You gotta get it together, man.
Monix called a team meeting.
INT. THE KREMLIN - LATER DAY
The entire team has gathered. Monix addresses them.
MONIX
Listen up. We all know that
Clarence has been traded. And we
all know that this game doesn't
matter anymore, right?
BEE BEE ELLIS
Right.
MONIX
Well I've got news for you. This
game does matter. It matters
because this is the last real
basketball game any of us is ever
going to play. Ever.
The guys nod, solemn.
103.
MONIX
Tomorrow night, I say we leave it
all out there on the floor. Because
there's nothing else for us to save
it for. Clarence or no Clarence.
NBA or no NBA. Merger or no merger.
We decided we are going to win
fourth place. And that's what we're
going to do.
Jackie is moved. The guys look at each other and nod.
MONIX
Over the past five weeks, we've
become a team. And that is no small
thing. Jackie, have you ever been
on a real team before?
JACKIE MOON
No sir.
MONIX
How does it feel?
JACKIE MOON
It feels pretty good.
MONIX
All your lives, you've dreamed of
playing in the NBA. Well, guess
what? Tomorrow night, you are.
You're playing an NBA team. And for
one night, the world is going to
know that you belong.
(BEAT)
Look, I tried to pretend like it
didn't matter to me if we made it
to fourth or not.
Monix turns inward, speaking with an emotion that is pure.
MONIX
But the truth is, I want this more
than anything I've ever wanted in
my whole fucked-up life.
(BEAT)
And I think you do too. I think you
can taste it. Because we earned
this. We made this happen. And
we're four quarters away from
making our dreams come true.
104.
JACKIE MOON
LET'S DO THIS!
BEE BEE ELLIS
YEAH! LET'S GO!
MONIX
JACKIE, YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE GAME TO
PROMOTE!
(to the team)
LET ME HEAR IT! FOURTH PLACE!
EVERYONE
FOURTH PLACE!
Pumped, they jump around, ready to make their own history.
MONIX
FOURTH PLACE!
EVERYONE
FOURTH PLACE!
INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT
A sports show host is interviewing Jackie.
JACKIE MOON
The Spurs may be the #1 team in the
league, but they're going to have
to prove it on Friday night.
TV ANNOUNCER
Since this game doesn't count,
Jackie. What exactly is your
motivation?
JACKIE MOON
(with a gleam in his eye)
We.'re going to win this game,
because we want it. It's as simple
as that. That alone should make
people want to show up and root for
us.
Jackie and the announcer look at each other for a long moment
of silence...
JACKIE MOON
Plus, this is the FLINT MICHIGAN
MEGA-BOWL!
105.
TV ANNOUNCER
What?
JACKIE MOON
Save your ticket stubs, the mega-
bowl is an historic event.
TV ANNOUNCER
I'm not sure I understand.
JACKIE MOON
It's a Mega-Bowl. What's not to
understand?
TV ANNOUNCER
This game has no effect on--
JACKIE MOON
--The Mega Bowl trophy is twelve
feet high. AND IT IS GLORIOUS.
TV ANNOUNCER
I'm sorry, but this sounds like
something you just made up.
JACKIE MOON
Well, I didn't.
TV ANNOUNCER
Well, it doesn't make any sense.
They're just words.
JACKIE MOON
Oh please. You're just words.
(directly at camera)
COME SEE THE FLINT TROPICS RAISE
THE MEGA BOWL TROPHY HIGH ABOVE OUR
HEADS. WE'RE NOT JUST GOING TO
FINISH IN FOURTH, WE'RE GOING TO
TAKE HOME THE MEGA BOWL TROPHY.
TOMORROW NIGHT AT 8 O'CLOCK!
EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - MORNING
The sun rises above the city. In the morning light, Flint
looks almost electric.
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - FRIDAY NIGHT
The parking lot is rocking. The whole town is jazzed for the
big event.
106.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
if the commissioner is listening, I
recommend he stay out of the city
of Flint tonight. He's not too
popular in this town.
LOU REDWOOD (V.O.)
i will stab him in the stomach with
an eight inch hunting knife.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
There were many wild protests in
Flint this week. But it seems like
the whole city is now focused on
beating the San Antonio Spurs. This
team seems to have captured every
heart in this town of underdogs.
People have poured in from around
the state to support this drive
toward their first mega-bowl
championship.
INT. SPURS LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT
Clarence is getting dressed in the visitor's locker room. He
holds up a Spurs Jersey and now pulls the strange colors over
his head.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.O.)
The Flint Tropics will be playing
without their number one scorer,
Coffee Black tonight. The Spurs
have signed several new players
from around the ABA, locking them
in before they hit the free market
in next year's expansion draft. The
.big man, Pete Petrelli has been
sent over from the dismantled
Anaheim Amigos.
Now Petrelli enters frame. The guy we hate has been traded to
the Spurs too.
PETRELLI
We may be teammates, but I still
think you're a dick.
CLARENCE
Thanks Petrelli.
107.
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS
WHEELCHAIR DARREN and JODY take their positions next to the
court. DUKES sits in the stands. QUINCY wears a new fur coat,
sitting center court. The TROPICAL AISLE cheers, rowdy. The
BALL GIRLS look almost nervous. You can feel the excitement.
And now entering, by herself, standing in the back, is LYNN.
She takes a deep breath.
INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Monix addresses the team.
MONIX
You want to know what I love? This.
The eleven of us right here, right
now, waiting for the biggest game
of our lives to begin.
(BEAT)
I want you to remember something. I
want you to remember what this
feels like, to be here in this
locker room together, one last
time, shoulder to shoulder with
these men. Because we are not
ourselves tonight. We are one.
This is what I love.
(BEAT)
Let's play basketball.
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER
The game is well under way. It's full tilt action.
It's immediately clear that the Tropics are being over
powered.
QUICK CUTS: PETRELLI knocks over Monix and scores.
-The Tropics offense is getting shut down.
-Jackie gets a rebound, but then dribbles off his ankle.
-The fans are disappointed. The guys in the Tropical Aisle
are all bummed out. Wheelchair Jody looks pissed.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Not a good first half for the
Tropics so far. They're already
down by ten.
ON CLARENCE: He sits on the Spurs bench.
108.
SPURS COACH
Coffee Black, you're going in.
CLARENCE
I can't. I've got back spasms.
The coach stares him down, then picks another player.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
This is easily the worst half of
basketball the Tropics have ever
played. And that's saying
something.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
Yep. It's a shit fucking sandwich.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Let's watch the F-bomb, Lou. We're
live.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
Oh, please, this is our last game.
I can say whatever I want. Watch
this: I hope Gerald Ford gets ass
raped.
LIVE TROPICS RADIO
Okay then. We've got just fifteen
seconds left in the first half...
Here's Monix with a no-look to
Jackie... He goes up strong--
SLO MO: PETRELLI FLIES IN AND ELBOWS JACKIE HARD IN THE HEAD.
SLO MO: JACKIE'S HEAD SNAPS BACK...
SLO MO: JACKIE FALLS TO THE HARDWOOD, UNCONSCIOUS, HE BOUNCES
OFF THE FLOOR.
LYNN
Oh my God.
Everyone in the stadium watches as Jackie lays out cold.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
I've never seen anyone take a hit
quite like that before. This looks
serious.
CLARENCE looks worried from the Spurs bench.
109.
CLARENCE
JACKIE!
SPURS COACH
Do not leave this bench, Coffee.
BEE BEE leans over Jackie, worried.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Jackie? You awake?
FATHER PAT THE REF
Bring in the stretcher!
BEE BEE ELLIS
We don't have one.
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
I don't want to speculate, but I'm
pretty sure he's dead.
MONIX gets in Petrelli's face.
MONIX
What are you trying to prove
Petrelli? You afraid to play
basketball?
PETRELLI
Hey, check the scoreboard.
Monix attacks Petrelli.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Now Monix is after Petrelli. This
is total chaos.
FATHER PAT THE REF
(to the clock man)
Let those fifteen seconds run out!
(to everyone)
It's half time! Everyone off the
court!
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
And at half time. It's the Spurs
60, the Tropics 29.
The guys carry Jackie off the court and into the locker room.
ON CLARENCE: He's had enough. He stands up and begins walking
across the court, to join the Tropics.
110.
SPURS COACH
Where the Hell are you going?
CLARENCE
I'm going to my team.
SPURS COACH
This is your team. You are not
leaving this bench.
From the front row, the COMMISSIONER hears all of this and
stands up, surrounded by security guards.
COMMISH
You sit down! You're not playing
with those idiots ever again. If
you walk away from this bench now,
you're never coming back. I'll see
to it you never play in the NBA!
Ever! Do you understand what I'm
saying to you, Coffee?
CLARENCE
My name ain't Coffee. It's
Clarence.
With that, Clarence walks across the floor. The crowd erupts.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Look at this. Coffee Black is
walking over to the Tropics. This
crowd is going crazy!
Clarence takes off his Spurs jersey and throws it into the
crowd.
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME
Jackie is laid out on a bench. Scootsie pours a bucket of
water on him. It doesn't work. Everyone looks worried.
Clarence enters the locker room.
TWIGGY MUNSON
Clarence!
CLARENCE
Is he okay?
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
I don't know.
MONIX
What the Hell are you doing here?
CLARENCE
I'm with you guys.
MONIX
Are you out of your mind? You want
to lose your NBA contract? Get out
of here.
CLARENCE
No.
MONIX
You're going to give up the NBA for
this?
(he is)
Well, you're a fucking asshole.
(now to Jackie)
Jackie. Are you okay buddy?
Monix cracks a smelling salt and waves it over Jackie's face.
WE PUSH IN ON JACKIE...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DREAMLAND - DAY
We're in Heaven. Jackie floats next to his Mother, who wears
a white robe and holds a red, white and blue basketball. A
basketball hoop hovers behind their heads.
JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
(in a dream)
Now, I want you to go forward, and
tell the others what I have told
you here today. Do you understand
me, son?
JACKIE MOON
(in a dream)
Yes Mother. You are so kind.
(BEAT)
I'm sorry I stole your song.
JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
I forgave you for that a long time
ago. I'd say it's about time you
forgave yourself.
112.
JACKIE MOON
I don't want to leave this place.
It's so fluffy. I miss you, Mom.
JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
I miss you too, Jackie. Now, you
gotta wake up. You're missing the
game.
JACKIE MOON
Oh. I am? That's bad isn't it?
(BEAT)
Can you make time go backwards?
JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
Not really. Now hurry up. And don't
forget what I said.
Jackie walks into the clouds, then turns back.
JACKIE MOON
Hey Mom, I threw up.
JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
I know you did, sweetie.
INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jackie wakes from his dream. Confused.
JACKIE'S POV: Bee Bee Ellis, Twiggy Munson, Scootsie Double-
Day and Kong Yi look down at camera.
BEE BEE ELLIS
He's awake.
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER
We're back with Live ABA radio.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
This just in. It sounds like Jackie
Moon is up and around the locker
room. That's good news for the
Tropics.
INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Monix coaches the team. Jackie rubs his head, not listening.
113.
MONIX
And I don't care how quick their
defense is, we need to move the
ball and--
JACKIE MOON
--Hold on you guys. I have
something to tell you.
MONIX
What is it?
Jackie seems very serious...
JACKIE MOON
I had a dream. I had a dream, I was
in heaven and my Mother spoke to
me... She was wearing a flowing
white gown... And she showed me a
whole new way to score a basket.
She spoke to me and said with this
gift, you will win fourth place.'
BEE BEE ELLIS
He's lost his mind.
TWIGGY MUNSON
We need to figure out what we're
going to do in the second half.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Yeah, we don't have time for any
ghost baskets.
JACKIE MOON
YOU WILL NOT SPEAK OF MY MOTHER
THIS WAY! THIS SHOT IS MAGICAL!
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Jackie's eyes are intense and he's breathing way too hard.
This dream was real. Monix tries to pacify him.
MONIX
Alright Jackie, relax, okay?
JACKIE MOON
I WILL NOT RELAX! WE HAVE TO USE
THIS! IT'S A GIFT FROM THE
OTHERWORLD!
Monix and Clarence shoot each other a look. Clearly, Jackie
is not going to take no for an answer.
114.
CLARENCE
Okay Jackie, so what's the play?
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLESIUM - NIGHT
The second half is underway. Clarence and Jackie are both
playing for the Tropics.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
We're back in action here at the
Mega Bowl. Coffee Black is playing
for the Tropics... And Jackie Moon
makes the start... In fact, it
looks like he's trying to run the
offense here...
Jackie dribbles at the top of the key, doing a lot of
pointing along with multiple hand signals.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
This is a new offense for the
Tropics. Jackie dribbles to the top
of the key... And...
Jackie makes eye contact with Clarence.
Clarence cuts to the basket and Jackie throws him a lob.
SLO MO: As Clarence leaps, we hear Jackie's voice over from
the locker room...
JACKIE (V.0.)
I had a dream. And in my dream, my
mother jumped... Her gown flowing
in the wind... And she caught a
pass in the air and dunked it,
without ever touching the ground...
SLO MO: Clarence catches it and slams it hard.
JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
.She lifted her veil and said 'I
call this the Alley Oop.'
Everyone stands there, astonished. The other team is frozen.
The fans are confused. The ref has no idea what to do.
JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
.And she said it would change the
game forever...
The other players are starting to appreciate what they've
just seen.
115.
SPUR #1
Damn, bro.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Woah. I'm sorry, I don't know what
just happened.
SPUR #2
Doesn't he have to dribble first?
LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
What the Hell is going on?
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
Hey Jackie, isn't that against the
rules?
JACKIE MOON
No. My Mom said it was fine.
The whole arena is waiting for Father Pat the Ref to process
this information.
SPURS COACH
C'MON FATHER PAT! HE CAN'T DO THAT!
IT'S TRAVELING!
WHISTLE! Father Pat The ref waves his hands.
FATHER PAT THE REF
HOLD ON. STOP THE GAME.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
The ref has stopped the Mega Bowl.
FATHER PAT THE REF
FOUL ON NUMBER TWENTY FIVE.
JACKIE MOON
FOUL? I DIDN'T TOUCH ANYBODY!
FATHER PAT THE REF
WELL, PEOPLE CAN'T JUST FLY IN THE
AIR LIKE THAT!
THIS CAUSES JACKIE TO LOSE HIS MIND.
JACKIE MOON
OH, PLEASE! DO YOU THINK MY MOM
WOULD CHEAT IN MY DREAMS?
FATHER PAT THE REF
WHAT?
116.
JACKIE MOON
SHE'S AN ANGEL! HEAVEN WANTS US TO
WIN! I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
The other players stop Jackie's attack. Monix steps over and
calmly states the facts.
MONIX
It's not a foul unless you touch
another player. And it can't be
traveling without first
establishing a pivot foot. It's two
points, Father Pat, two points.
Father Pat the Ref thinks about this...
FATHER PAT THE REF
I'M GOING TO ALLOW IT. TWO POINTS
FOR FLINT!
The crowd goes nuts. The other team protests. Jackie points
to the sky, right through the hole in the roof.
MUSIC CUE: THE JACKSON FIVE 'DANCING MACHINE'
QUICK CUTS: THE TROPICS ALLEY OOP THEIR WAY TO FOURTH PLACE.
-Clarence slams down another alley-oop. Wheelchair Darren and
Wheelchair Jody go crazy.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
There it is again, Clarence
leaping, and forcing the ball in a
downward direction through the goal
net off of a high arching pass --
Hold on, I'm being told this is
called an Alley Oop. Yes, That's
easier to say.
-Another Alley Oop! Dukes, shirtless, pumps his fist.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Jackie lobs to Clarence again. YES!
Another Alley Oop! The Spurs don't
know what's hit them.
-Monix double teams and forces a turn over. In the back of
the stadium, LYNN can't help but scream.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Monix with a steal-- A long bounce
pass to Scootsie Double-Day for a
lay-up.
117.
I'll tell you, Monix is playing on
one leg here in the second half.
-Monix cuts off a Bee Bee Ellis pick toward the basket..
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
Monix penetrates-- and-- Wow! He
flipped it up behind his back and
Clarence slammed it home with one
hand!
SCOREBOARD: SPURS 100, TROPICS 99 -- : 15 left.
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - FIFTEEN SECONDS LEFT
Monix's team breaks the huddle and takes the floor.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
In all my years of radio, I've
never seen anything like this. The
Tropics have fought their way back
from a twenty nine point deficit.
With twelve seconds left to play,
they're down by one point. A basket
here could win it.
IT'S THE FINAL PLAY: The fans pray. Monix takes a deep
breath, then in bounds the ball--
SLO MO: Jackie dribbles, looks up and lofts a perfect pass to
Clarence...
SLO MO: Clarence flies up for the alley oop slam dunk...
SLO MO: At the last second, Petrelli flies into frame and
swats it away!
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Petrelli with the rejection! It's
out of bounds -- The Tropics keep
the ball, with seven seconds on the
clock. I'll tell you Lou, the Spurs
were looking for that one.
IN THE HUDDLE: Monix is yelling above the noise.
MONIX
(in the huddle)
Okay, listen up: They've made
adjustments out there. We can't
just keep running the Alley Oop,
okay? They're keying on Clarence.
Everyone looks at each other, worried.
118.
SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
We're not going to run the alley
oop?
BEE BEE ELLIS
What are we going to run?
MONIX
We're going to run The Puke.
BEE BEE ELLIS
The Puke?
MONIX
Don't tell me you've forgotten it.
Everyone smiles at each other. They haven't.
MONIX
We're going to pick away from the
ball. We're going to move to the
open space. I won't in bound the
ball until someone has a good look.
(beat).
The Puke.
CLARENCE
Amen.
JACKIE MOON
Bring it in! One two three--
EVERYONE
LET'S GET TROPICAL!
THE TROPICS RUN THE PUKE: A flash to the high side post with
an outside screen and a back door cut.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Monix, looking to inbound...
SLO MO: Clarence sets a pick for Scootsie- Everyone rotates.
Jackie picks and rolls to the basket, open...
Monix zips Jackie a no-look pass...
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Jackie goes up strong...
BUT PETRELLI ELBOWS HIM IN THE HEAD AGAIN! WHISTLE!
119.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
No Good! But Petrelli fouls him!
JACKIE IS ABLE TO SHAKE OFF THE HEAD INJURY.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
Jackie Moon will shoot two free
throws here, his team down by one,
with two seconds on the clock. One
will tie it. He needs both to win
it.
The ref hands Jackie the ball. The players take their places
along the lane. Jackie steps to the line. The whole arena is
on pins and needles.
JACKIE MOON
(to his team)
Don't worry you guys, I got this...
(to the ball girls)
I am awesome at free throws.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
I'll tell you, I don't remember the
last time I've ever seen Jackie
attempt a free throw...
JACKIE MOON
(Louder now, to the fans)
IT'S OKAY EVERYBODY. SERIOUSLY.
FREE THROWS ARE, LIKE, MY BEST
THING.
Now Jackie sets up for the shot...
BUT, AS JACKIE PREPARES, HE SETS UP TO SHOOT GRANNY STYLE,
TOSSING UNDERHANDED FROM BETWEEN HIS KNEES.
MONIX
What the Hell are you doing?
JACKIE MOON
What, you've never seen me shoot
free throws before?
CLARENCE
He shoots them Granny style.
BEE BEE ELLIS
Always has.
120.
MONIX
(to himself)
Shit.
Jackie's ritual is insane. He breathes, spins the ball, turns
around 360, deep knee bends, touches his left shoulder four
times, then SUDDENLY WINGS THE BALL HIGH IN THE AIR.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
The first attempt is... GOOD!
IT SWISHES. THE CROWD GOES NUTS...
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
The game is tied. One more and the
Tropics win.
Jackie does the same ritual. But this time a bead of sweat
rolls over his forehead. He is nervous. But he tosses
anyway...
SLO MO: The Ball floats toward the basket. Flash bulbs pop.
SLO MO: The ball bounces off the rim, away from the basket.
SLO MO: Monix elbows his way into position for a rebound.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
No Good -- Monix with the put back!
SLO MO: Monix catches the ball in the air and re-shoots a
fade-away jumper. Swish!
MUSIC CUE: 'HOME SWEET HOME' BY CAPTAIN FUNK.
LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
FLINT WINS THE MEGA BOWL! FLINT
WINS THE MEGA BOWL! FLINT WINS THE
MEGA BOWL!
Victory. All the Tropics go crazy, screaming, they pile on
top of each other at center court.
The crowd is going nuts. Wheelchair Darren and Jody roll out
onto the court. Dukes jumps into the pile of players. Lynn
has tears in her eyes.
In the madness. LUCY MOON finds her husband, Jackie.
LUCY MOON
Jackie!
121.
JACKIE MOON
Lucy?
LUCY MOON
Kiss me, you hero.
JACKIE MOON
My Mom says you're a bad lady. She
says your vagina is for sad people.
EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS
Tropics fans pour out onto the streets from the sports bars
and immediately start smashing shit. It's a total riot.
A group of Flint COPS see the riot, then FLIP THEIR OWN COP
CAR OVER.
INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS
The team is still celebrating, going crazy at center court.
CLARENCE, MONIX AND JACKIE ARE ALL HUGGING EACH OTHER AMONGST
THE CHAOS.
JACKIE LIFTS A GIANT TWELVE FOOT GOLDEN TROPHY IN THE AIR.
CLARENCE
Wait, there really is a trophy?
JACKIE MOON
Hey, it's the Mega Bowl.
VICTORY. IN THIS MOMENT, ALL THREE OF THEM SEE THE BEAUTY IN
WHAT THEY'VE ACCOMPLISHED.
CLARENCE
We did it.
FREEZE FRAME ON JACKIE, MONIX AND CLARENCE LIFTING THE TROPHY
TOGETHER.
THE END
BEGIN END CREDITS.
As Credits roll, we hear a voice...
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
With their first pick in the 1977
NBA draft, the New Jersey Nets
select...
122.
INT. NBA DRAFT - SIX MONTHS LATER
The NBA draft is crowded with businessmen and fans.
DRAFT ANNOUNCER
.Shit, bitch, you be fine...
Clarence stands up, happy, and walks on stage.
He holds up a uniform with words: SHITBITCH U.B. PHYNE on it.
REVEAL: In the crowd, Monix claps, cheering Clarence on... He
is with wife, LYNN.
But now Monix stands up and walks on stage too. He puts a NEW
YORK NETS hat on.
DRAFT ANNOUNCER
Here to welcome him is rookie Nets
coach, Ed Monix.
Monix and Clarence shake hands for the cameras.
CLARENCE
Thanks for bringing me on board,
coach.
MONIX
All the good players were gone.
CLARENCE
Do we really have to live in New
Jersey?
MONIX
Just smile for the cameras,
Shitbitch.
INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
Jackie is in a recording studio, playing the synthesizer.
plays some beats, then hits the keyboards.
TITLE: JACKIE MOON WENT ON TO WRITE AND RECORD HIS OWN
ORIGINAL SONG.
We recognize Jackie's song as the most familiar song in the
world. It's Gary Glitter's 'Rock N' Roll Part II' the most
famous sports-stadium standard in history.
JACKIE MOON
(singing Gary Glitter)
HEY!
123.
(waiting for the beats)
HEY!
(waiting for the beats)
HEY!
TITLE: HIS SONG WOULD LATER BE STOLEN BY GARY GLITTER AND
PLAYED IN STADIUMS ACROSS THE GLOBE.
JACKIE MOON
(singing Gary Glitter)
HEY!
(waiting for the beats)
HEY!
(waiting for the beats)
HEY!
The song ends. The recording engineer pipes in.
RECORDING ENGINEER
Sounded pretty nice.
JACKIE MOON
Yeah, that was a great take. Play
that back for me, would you?
RECORDING ENGINEER
Listen, can you take that ring off
for a little while? I'm getting
some feedback from your microphone.
ECU: JACKIE WEARS A HUMONGOUS FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS FOURTH
PLACE DIAMOND RING.
Jackie studies his ring with a smile.
JACKIE MOON
Sorry Robert, the ring stays on.
MUSIC CUE: 'SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING' BY PEACHES & HERB.
END CREDITS CONTINUE.
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