SPARE ME
FADE IN
1 BLACK 1
The screen is black. Thunder rumbles.
THEO (VO)
When you hear thunder...
A black bowling ball pulls away from the lens. The ball is in
the hands of THEO SKINNER, an intense, handsome 28 year old
man with sideburns dressed in worn bowling attire.
THEO (VO)
...God is bowling.
He holds the ball in front of him, wristbrace on, his face a
study in concentration.
CUT TO:
CREDITS
CUT TO:
2 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 2
An empty causeway spans a bay somewhere along the south shore
of Long Island. The sky is overcast. SHEILA, a woman in her
late twenties, wearing a full length heliotrope pleather coat
over a waitress outfit, kneels in the middle of the road. A
souped-up Vespa motor scooter stands nearby.
KEN AND BARBIE
Sheila holds a Bridal Barbie and Ken doll set. She sets them
down on the road, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and soaks
the dolls. She pulls out a bowling pin-shaped lighter and
torches the nuptial tableau.
3 INT. THEO'S CAR 3
Theo drives his ratty old American car along a highway. The
car has Ohio plates. He sucks coffee from a 7-Eleven "Big-
Swig" cup and examines a map. A yellow plastic "Bowler on
Board" sign is stuck to a side window. Theo's music PLAYS.
His eyes nod off, then snap awake.
4 NIGHTMARE 4
The screen is black, except for three circles in the middle
of the screen. The light shining through them is snuffed out
by three large pink objects. There is a loud POP, like a
thumb being pulled out of a tight hole.
BOWLING BALL
A slow motion low tracking shot of a
bowling ball hitting a polished lane.
BOWLING PINS
Close-up of the milky white surface of
two bowling pins on opposite sides of the
lane - a seven-ten split. The RUMBLING
ball is heard in the distance like a
furious hulking steamroller of doom. The
pins begin to tremble, and then transform
into a Bridal Ken and Barbie. The dolls
burst into flame.
BALL
The ball blasts past the camera and
metamorphoses into Theo's car.
RAPID DISSOLVE TO:
5 EXT. BRIDGE 5
Theo's sedan blasts past the camera down the empty road.
BURNING DOLLS
The flaming couple stand in the middle of
the bridge. Theo's car hits the pair and
they fly into the air in slow-motion. A
distant SOUND of pins scattering is
heard. The two dolls smoke as they spin
into the sky, then hit the water with
dual HISSES.
DISSOLVE TO:
6 PIN RESET MACHINERY 6
An American Machine and Foundry pin reset machine performs
its functions like a mechanical ballet as the camera follows
a bowling ball through its journey. The "Spare Me!" theme
MUSIC (similar to "Balboa Blue" by the Marketts) swells.
TITLE: SPARE ME! appears on the bowling ball. Pins tumble
across the back plate, are loaded into the pin conveyor,
lifted up to the crown feeder, distributed into the rotating
carousel, and then set down in perfect formation upon the
polished bowling alley.
BURN-IN PRINCIPAL PLAYER TITLES. Titles appear on the pins.
The ball trundles along the return trough straight into the
lens.
BLACK
7 INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY 7
A muzak cover of 'Broke, Busted, and Disgusted' PLAYS in the
background as Theo gingerly pulls a hot taco out of the
microwave oven. ALFIE, the rickety old man who runs the
store, shuffles up to the self-serve island and begins wiping
it down. Theo pokes at the taco with a spork as steam rises.
He pulls a disgusted grimace. Alfie pours himself a cup of
coffee and then attempts to open a tiny container of half &
half. Because his hands are shaking so much, the cream goes
everywhere but into the coffee.
ALFIE
I'm an addict. I can't go through a day
without the stuff. Theo reaches over and
pours for him with a steady hand.
ALFIE
You're not from around here, are you?
THEO
I'm from Akron.
Alfie looks at Theo's bowling shoe attired feet.
ALFIE
You a bowler?
Theo's hand starts shaking uncontrollably. He puts down the
cream.
THEO
I'm looking for a man.
ALFIE
What kind of man?
THEO
A bowler.
Alfie presses a matchbook into Theo's hand and then trundles
off. Theo looks down at the matchbook; it reads "Bowl for
health, enjoy yourself. Babylon Lanes."
8 EXT. BABYLON LANES - TWILIGHT 8
Theo pulls into the empty parking lot of Babylon Lanes beside
a cheap looking American sedan.
9 INT. BABYLON LANES 9
Theo walks into an empty run-down forty lane bowling alley
carrying his ball bag. It is dark. The fluorescent lights
switch on and the pin re-set machines whirr into action. SID
and BREEZE, two shady looking guys in a basement-sale suits
walk up lane dividers towards Theo.
SID
Lane's closed big fellah, league night.
THEO
I'm not here to bowl.
SID
(gesturing to Theo's bag)
You drag that coconut around for your
health, or do you know how to use it?
THEO
(bristling at the challenge)
I'm looking for somebody.
BREEZE
Hey, ain't I seen you on the tour?
SID
No, pinhead, he ain't here to bowl.
THEO
I'm looking for Buzz Fazeli.
Sid and Breeze look sideways at each other.
BREEZE
Fazeli...I don't know no Buzz Fazeli.
SID
What do you want with old man Faz?
THEO
Some unfinished business.
SID
If you wanna do business in this town,
there's other people around here got more
weight than old Faz.
A lady dwarf walks by.
DWARF
Evening Sid, evening Breeze.
SID
Evening Tina.
BREEZE
Good luck tonight Tina.
Tina opens a door and goes down some stairs.
THEO
You guys got something going on
downstairs?
SID
We provide some extracurricular
activities for the senior citizens in the
community.
THEO
Basement bingo?
Breeze sniggers into his hand
SID
(smirks)
Yeah, basement bingo.
BREEZE
Lemme see your ball.
Breeze grabs Theo's bag.
THEO
Let go of my bag.
Sid sidles around behind Theo who tries to keep him in sight.
BREEZE
Ah, come on, lemme see your ball.
SID
You afraid we're gonna steal it?
Breeze unzips the bag and pulls the ball out. Theo's temper
is rising, he breathes deeply. He is obviously making a
Herculean effort to keep himself in check.
THEO
I said, let go of my bag.
With lightning speed Theo's hand shoots out and grabs the
middle fingers on Sid's right hand. Sid howls in agony.
SID
Aagh! Stop! Those are my bowling fingers!
THEO
Tell your little pal to let go.
SID
Breeze, give him his ball back!
Breeze, astonished, drops Theo's ball into the bag. Sid
cringes in front of Theo.
THEO
Where can I find Buzz Fazeli?
BREEZE
Whoa, cool your maples. Over the bridge,
past the Peter Pan, last house on the
dead end. Theo releases Sid's hand. Sid
drops to his knees and cradles his
damaged hand.
BREEZE
Haven't seen a ball like that since '69.
THEO
It belonged to my dad.
Theo turns and walks out.
10 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 10
JUNIOR, a dumpy man in his late thirties with a rat tail, bad
skin and wearing a white straitjacket and fluorescent orange
pants, runs desperately through dark woods. Bloodhounds BARK
in the distance.
11 EXT. ROAD - NIGHT 11
Theo drives over the draw-bridge and past the Peter Pan Diner
with its huge neon sign.
12 EXT. DEAD END STREET 12
Theo's car pulls up in front of a modest suburban house. A
rooftop weather vane in the shape of a bowler CREAKS
ominously in the wind.
13 EXT. BUZZ'S HOUSE 13
Theo rings the doorbell. The porch light comes on, and
MILLIE, a fifty-five year-old woman dressed for a night on
the town in Reno, but with fuzzy slippers and a hairnet,
opens the door. A miniscule neurotic poodle leaps at Theo's
bowling ball bag, YAPPING and snapping at it.
THEO
Is Mr. Fazeli in please?
MILLIE
Who wants to know?
(to dog)
Zeus!
THEO
I'm a bowler.
MILLIE
I'm sick of you people. Why don't you
leave him be?
BUZZ (OS)
Let him in, Millie. And don't frisk him.
14 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM 14
Millie and Theo, with Zeus hot on his trail, enter the room.
BUZZ FAZELI, a sixty-five year-old man shaped a lot like a
compressed bowling pin, slouches in a recliner. The room is
decorated with trophies of Buzz's bygone pro-bowling halcyon
days.
MILLIE
Oh sure. Let everyone in. From now on I
leave the door wide open. Let the parade
begin!
BUZZ
Clam it!
Millie is silent. Buzz gets up and approaches Zeus.
BUZZ
Hey, rat. C'mere.
Zeus growls at Buzz as he comes nearer, then clamps onto his
sleeve and hangs from his arm, growling ferociously. In one
smooth motion, Buzz flings the rabid poodle through an open
window and into the night.
MILLIE
Jerk.
She heads outside.
BUZZ
Sit down.
Theo sits on the edge of the couch. Buzz puts out his hand.
Theo shakes it.
BUZZ
Buzz Fazeli.
THEO
Theo.
BUZZ
I know your face, you're an up-and-comer.
You bowl on the tour.
THEO
I'm not on the tour this year.
BUZZ
(nods understandingly)
Need some advice, huh.
THEO
Well, Mr. Fazeli, the Bowling Congress
says I'm a thorn in their side.
BUZZ
(dismissive wave)
Don't worry about the Congress, they're
just a bunch of moralistic busy-bodies.
15 EXT. THEO'S CAR 15
Millie's furry slippers protrude from the driver's side door.
Zeus chews furiously on the yellow plastic 'Bowler On Board'
sign. She rifles through the contents of the overstuffed
glove compartment. She notices her dog.
MILLIE
(under her breath)
Get that outta your mouth!
16 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM 16
THEO
They suspended me.
BUZZ
Why'd they suspend you?
Theo's eyes glaze over, the lights in the room dim, and Buzz
seems to recede into the far distance.
17 TV SCREEN - FLASHBACK 17
In ultra-slow scan we see an image of two bowlers, one is
smiling cockily to off-screen fans and waving, the other is
Theo, his face filled with hate, winding up to smash the
other man in the head with his bowling ball.
THEO (VO)
It wasn't really my fault.
In the far background the hollow booming VOICE of a judge
delivers sentence.
JUDGE (VO)
The American Bowling Congress hereby
suspends Theo Maynard Skinner from all
professional bowling activities within
the jurisdiction of the American Bowling
Congress and its international co-
signers... The ball mashes into the
smirking mans head, causing it to snap
forward. The judge's gavel BANGS and the
crowd ROARS.
18 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM 18
Theo snaps out of it, the room lights come up, and Buzz leans
in.
BUZZ
I got suspended when I was young, too. I
was pretty cocky in my day.
THEO
They suspended me for 100 years.
BUZZ
100 years!
(knits his brow)
THEO
I can appeal in five. I was hoping you
could help me Mr. Fazeli.
BUZZ
(uneasy)
What do you think I can do?
THEO
(sweating slightly)
I need a sponsor to get my sanction card
back. Where I come from, you're the king.
BUZZ
Sure, around here, any fat old bald guy
could be king. I'm nothing. It wouldn't
do any good for me to talk to the
Congress.
(briskly changing subject)
Hey, you thirsty? You like orange whips?
THEO
I've never had orange whips, I'm from
Akron.
CUT TO:
19 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, KITCHEN 19
Millie and Buzz are in the kitchen, talking in loud whispers.
Millie fills a blender while Buzz cuts oranges.
MILLIE
He's the guy Buzz.
BUZZ
He's not the guy, Millie. Just whip the
whips.
MILLIE
I looked in his car. He's got pictures of
you, clippings, maps.
BUZZ
Bowlers don't go around killing other
bowlers. He's only a fan, Millie. I'll
give him some tips and an autograph and
he's outta here.
MILLIE
You're in trouble, aren't you Buzz?
You're doing something dangerous in that
alley.
BUZZ
Millie, I know what I'm doing.
MILLIE
We should leave this town. I can't take
this anymore. I'm not gonna let him kill
you in my house.
20 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM 20
Buzz rejoins Theo in the living room.
THEO
Remember the finals in Akron in '59? You
had a seven-ten split in the final frame.
BUZZ
Yeah, against that prick VanDeMark.
THEO
Ten thousand to one, but you pegged it.
The toughest shot on the last frame.
BUZZ
That game was before you was born.
THEO
My mom was there. She told me about it.
The 'Fazeli Split.'
21 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, KITCHEN 21
The blender is wailing at high speed as Millie throws in a
whole box of laxative, a can of Drano and a jar of pills. Her
hands are trembling.
22 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM 22
Millie walks into the living room with a silver tray holding
two orange whips; one thick and deadly, the other thin and
safe. There is laughter coming from both men.
BUZZ
And the irony is, thirty years later,
that prick is bowling in the seniors on
TV all over the world, and look at me. Ah
well. The docs made me stop, on account
of my ticker.
(taps his chest)
I don't really miss it, but then...
(chokes up)
...I miss it.
He spies Millie approaching with the tray.
BUZZ
Orange whip, nectar of the bowling gods.
Thanks sweetie. Millie turns the tray so
that Buzz takes the untainted whip. Theo
takes the other glass.
THEO
Thanks.
ZEUS
Zeus is on the sofa, GROWLING and tugging
at Theo's bowling bag. The bag rips apart
and the ball hits the floor.
ORANGE WHIP
Theo brings the drink to his lips. The
ball rolls across the room.
BUZZ
The ball rolls into Buzz's feet.
BUZZ
This your lucky bullet?
Buzz picks it up and reads the writing on the ball. He snaps
a look into the kitchen, seeing the empty Drano and laxative
cartons. Buzz slams the drink away from Theo's lips. The
drink explodes across the room. Buzz is up on his feet.
BUZZ
(with intensity)
Where'd you get this ball?
THEO
(stunned - looks at the mess on
the floor, then at Buzz)
It's mine.
BUZZ
Who gave it to you?
THEO
Grace Skinner.
BUZZ
(astonished)
Grace Skinner. Who's Grace Skinner to
you?
THEO
She's my mom.
Theo stands and takes the ball from Buzz's hands. Buzz is in
shock, staring at Theo.
BUZZ
(regaining his voice)
Who are you? Who sent you here?
THEO
I'm your son. You're a hard father to
find.
MILLIE
Son?
BUZZ
(to Millie)
Millie, please.
(to Theo)
I don't have a son.
I think you better leave now young man.
Buzz gestures towards the front door.
THEO
(calmly)
Grace Skinner Fazeli, you must remember
her?
Buzz takes Theo by the elbow to eject him from the house.
BUZZ
I don't know no Grace Skinner.
THEO
(pulls his arm away)
You knew her. You married her in 1963.
MILLIE
Married?
Buzz grabs a large bowling trophy and waves it at Theo.
BUZZ
You're a bullshit artist, that's what you
are. You got no right to be here! Theo
yanks the trophy away from Buzz.
THEO
I got a right. You're my father.
BUZZ
I ain't nobody's father!
Theo hurls the trophy at Buzz. He ducks and the trophy sails
into a large glass trophy case. Broken glass and trophies fly
everywhere.
MILLIE
(noticing Zeus)
ZEUS!
Zeus is laid out cold near the spilled orange whip on the
living room floor. Millie hunches over her comatose poodle.
MILLIE
My poor baby!
BUZZ
(to Theo)
You see what you did?
(he picks up the ball)
Take your ball and get out.
Theo takes the ball and exits the house.
23 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 23
Theo, bathed in sweat, practices his release form with
obsessive determination. He is alone near the empty bridge.
Sheila spies on him from behind the bridge control booth.
Theo takes a long slug from a bottle of liquor. He hears a
motor scooter start and ROAR off into the night.
24 INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY 24
Theo stands at the self-serve island sipping coffee. A muzak
cover of 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' PLAYS.
THEO
(resignedly)
99 years, 241 days,
(looks at his watch)
15 hours, and 20 minutes of no bowling.
Alfie shuffles up to the self-serve
island and begins wiping it down.
ALFIE
Find your bowler?
THEO
Yeah, but it didn't go so good. He wasn't
the man I thought he'd be. Theo is trying
to affix the lid on his cup, but his
hands are trembling, spilling some of the
coffee.
ALFIE
My father used to say to me "Never..."
no, hmmm. "Always..." No, no...
(puzzles)
Ah! Love and hate are blood relations.
THEO
Maybe I should have left the ball in the
car.
25 EXT. BUZZ'S HOUSE - DAY 25
Millie kneels on the front lawn patting dirt down on a little
grave marked by a wooden cross. Theo walks up.
MILLIE
He's not here.
THEO
I'm sorry about Zeus, Millie.
MILLIE
(points to grave)
This is a sign! Someone's coming to take
Buzz away from me. I don't know if you're
the guy or what, but I'm not letting it
happen. I'm leaving him first.
THEO
I couldn't kill Buzz. I need his help.
Theo helps Millie load suitcases into the
trunk of her car.
MILLIE
Buzz Fazeli never helps anybody but
himself.
THEO
He's my father, Millie.
MILLIE
He's no father to you.
Theo lifts a box full of new bowling pins into the trunk.
MILLIE
Careful with that one. He won't tell me
anything, but I know there's something
strange going on over at the lanes. If
you ask me, I'd say the old fart wants to
die.
THEO
Where can I find him?
MILLIE
(looks at her watch)
The Peter Pan.
Millie gets into the car.
MILLIE
You tell Buzz I went to my sister's in
Ronkonkoma. Oh, I'm sorry about trying to
kill you last night, Theo. It was nothing
personal. Millie puts on a pair of
sunglasses and patches out in a cloud of
gravel and dust.
26 INT. PETER PAN DINER - DAY 26
A blender WHIRRS. Sheila, in her waitress uniform, carefully
chops something.
She watches an indoor motocross rally on the diner's color
TV. 12-PACK, a hefty construction worker, sits at the
counter.
12-PACK
Hey Sheila, how's that orange whip
comin'?
SHEILA
(mimicking him under her
breath)
How's that orange whip comin'?
THWAP! Sheila is dismembering a Ken doll with a big knife.
She scoops the parts into the blender and switches from purˇe
to frappˇ.
12-PACK
So, I heard Junior busted out again?
Sheila puts the glass down in front of 12-Pack with a THUNK.
12-PACK
Hey Sheila, you can whip my oranges
anytime. Sheila puts a Barbie head
earring on her left ear. Buzz comes into
the diner and slides into a booth. Sheila
walks over with a pot of coffee.
SHEILA
Cup of joe Mr. Fazeli?
BUZZ
Yeah, and make it extra muddy, I didn't
sleep a zee last night. Sheila fills a
cup. Buzz lifts it to his mouth, his
hands trembling.
SHEILA
You don't need coffee, Mr. Fazeli; you
need a vacation. Sheila catches sight of
Theo pulling into the parking lot. She
puts a Ken head earring in her right ear.
Buzz follows Sheila's gaze.
BUZZ
(groans)
Some people will do anything for an
autograph. Theo enters the diner and
walks over to Buzz.
THEO
Millie left to stay with her sister in
Ronkonkoma.
BUZZ
You know what a mixer ball is? It's like
you, you come out of nowhere and upset
things, scattering everything all over.
Buzz grumpily waves at him to sit.
THEO
What are you doing over at the lanes
that's so dangerous, Buzz?
BUZZ
You shouldn't listen to her, she's a
nervous old Nellie.
THEO
She thinks someone's trying to kill you.
BUZZ
I couldn't pay someone enough to try to
kill me. Sheila comes over to take their
orders.
BUZZ
I'll have my usual please, Sheila.
SHEILA
Buzz Burger, side of 'cues. You haven't
introduced me to your fan.
BUZZ
Sheila, meet...uh...
(leans in to Theo,
sardonically)
I forget the name.
THEO
(uncomfortably)
Theo.
BUZZ
Theo! This is Sheila Kastle, my partner's
daughter.
SHEILA
(eyeing Theo up and down)
You look like you're something on the
lanes.
BUZZ
Theo's bowled on the tour.
SHEILA
Oh, a professional man. What'll you have?
THEO
What's your specialty?
SHEILA
Whips...orange whips.
THEO
Then I'll have the number four with one
of your finest whips.
SHEILA
How do you want it?
(their eyes meet)
The eggs.
THEO
(discomfited at the blatant
double entendre)
Uh...over easy.
SHEILA
Coming right up.
Sheila smiles and walks away. Theo watches her slink behind
the counter.
BUZZ
Watch out for that one. She's got a great
average, but she's looking for a prince.
And, believe me, she's
(more)
BUZZ
kissed a lotta tadpoles.
(looking Theo in the eye)
Listen, I been thinking about your
problem. I'm not the guy to sponsor you.
It would be unethical. But, there is
something I could do for you.
(leans in, secretively)
Putt-putt golf.
THEO
Putt-putt golf?
Buzz pulls a golf ball from his pocket, flashes it and slips
it back.
BUZZ
It's the next level, the next
dimension...
(deep conviction)
...the small ball.
THEO
(in Buzz's spell)
The small ball.
BUZZ
It's gonna be bigger than big. Think
Europe. Think Asia. They don't have room
for real golf courses in Japan.
THEO
(snapping out of it)
Not for me. Miniature golf's for pansies.
BUZZ
If the Japanese are pansies, then pansies
are my kind of people. Sheila steps over
to the booth with their food. The Buzz
Burger has three holes cut in the middle
to make it look like a bowling ball. Buzz
sees the two sleazeballs park their car
and walk towards the diner.
THEO
(pondering the thought)
Maybe I could bowl in Japan.
Buzz stands up abruptly.
BUZZ
I gotta wash up.
Buzz heads for the rest rooms. The door opens with a JINGLE.
SID
Three whips. To go.
BREEZE
When you get a chance.
Sid and Breeze walk over to Theo's booth and slide in. Sid's
middle fingers are taped to an aluminum splint. The BLENDER
kicks into action. Buzz watches the group from the bathroom
hall and tries to catch the conversation.
BREEZE
Hey, you still here?
SID
We're looking for Buzz Fazeli, seen him?
THEO
I don't know no Buzz Fazeli.
BREEZE
Look Sid, a Buzz Burger. The Faz's
favorite lunch. Sid reaches for the
plate. Buzz walks over to the booth and
pulls his burger away from Sid.
BUZZ
Get away from that burger.
BREEZE
Sorry Faz, we didn't know you was here.
SID
Buzz, Mr. Kastle wants to talk to you.
BREEZE
(to Theo and Buzz)
Are you guys bruddas?
The booth party is silent for a moment. Theo LAUGHS.
BUZZ
No, we ain't brothers.
SID
You know why we call him Breeze?
Sid puts a hand near Breezes left ear and blows into Breeze's
right ear. He makes fluttering motions with his hand as if
wind was hitting it. Breeze's face breaks into a smile as he
pushes Sid away.
BREEZE
Hey, cut it out Sid, that tickles. I'm
serious! You guys are related, right?
THEO
He's my dad.
Buzz flashes a warning glare to Theo. Sid grabs some of
Buzz's french fries.
BUZZ
(slapping his hand)
Get your own.
BREEZE
See that, toldja Sid. I knew I seen a
resemblance.
BUZZ
Why don't you clowns get your whips and
get lost.
SID
Look, Faz, Mr. Kastle was not his usual
charismatic self today when he told us to
tell you...
(gazing artfully upwards and
rubbing his chin)
What was that he said...?
BREEZE
I remember, Sid! Mr. Kastle says he don't
like no sticky fingers in the till.
SID
(exasperated)
Pinhead! Don't just blurt it right out.
Sheila comes over and PLUNKS down the three whips-to-go.
BREEZE
(to Sheila)
Your pop said to put these on his tab.
Sid gets up and jerks his thumb towards
the door.
SID
So Buzz, let's skedaddle. Mr. Kastle is
waiting. As Buzz gets up, Theo rises and
steps between his father and the two
sleazeballs.
THEO
I'm coming with you.
Sid shies away from Theo, protecting his hand.
BUZZ
Easy. I got business to do, Theo. I'll
come back and haunt you later.
(drops a twenty on the table,
pats Theo's cheek)
Don't say I never gave you nothing.
Buzz goes outside with a sleazeball on either side. Sheila
takes the twenty dollar bill. Theo grabs his jacket and makes
for the door.
THEO
(to Sheila)
Do those two work for your dad or mine?
SHEILA
Mine, and they never tip.
The sleazeballs hustle Buzz into the front seat of their car
and patch out.
THEO
Do you know where they're taking him?
SHEILA
Yeah, Babylon. Buzz runs the lanes there
for my dad. Everybody who has anything to
do with bowling in this town answers to
my dad. Theo splits.
27 EXT. WOODS - DAY 27
Junior is running at breakneck speed through the thick brush.
Bloodhounds BARK. Junior slows down and drops to his knees,
gasping for breath. He looks up to the sky. The camera pushes
up to his sweaty, tortured face.
JUNIOR
(shrieks)
SHEILA!
28 INT. BABYLON LANES, BUZZ'S OFFICE 28
MILES KASTLE lounges in a cheap chair behind Buzz's desk
toying with one of those motorized wire balancing sculptures
they have in airport souvenir concessions. He is a carefully
groomed middle-aged low-budget version of Hugh Hefner in an
acrylic sweatsuit with 'Miles 'O' Lanes' embroidered on the
front. Sid and Breeze push Buzz into the room. Buzz is poker
faced.
KASTLE
Buzz.
Buzz nods.
KASTLE
(to Breeze)
You got my whip?
Breeze pulls the third whip out of a bag and gives it to him.
KASTLE
(motions to Sid and Breeze)
Lose yourselves.
Sid and Breeze leave the room. Buzz goes to a locker and
begins changing into a flashy MC outfit.
BUZZ
What's on your mind, Miles?
KASTLE
We've been partners a long time now,
haven't we Buzz?
BUZZ
Seven years.
Kastle pokes a straw into the whip and takes a long drag.
KASTLE
This scam we got going here was your
(more)
KASTLE
brainstorm, Buzz. I admit, I thought it
was a rotten idea, but I put up the
scratch.
(pulls a smile)
And now we got a beautiful thing.
BUZZ
It's a beautiful thing.
KASTLE
A beautiful thing. And you know why Buzz?
You know what we got? Buzz raises an
eyebrow as he buttons his shirt.
MILES
We got balance.
Kastle flicks the little wire man. It bobs and sways.
KASTLE
A partnership is a very delicate balance.
But let's say something tips the scales,
maybe one partner takes more than his
share, then... Kastle tips the wire man
off his perch. The little motor squeals
pathetically.
KASTLE
... oops. We got no more balance.
Buzz looks on with narrowed eyes as he adjusts his cravat.
KASTLE
And look at that; both partners go down
together. Kastle shoves the sculpture
onto the floor, stands up, and crushes it
under his heel. He goes over and puts his
arm around Buzz.
KASTLE
Simple math, Buzz.
(he holds up his fingers)
Two plus two does not equal three.
BUZZ
Miles, I've always been on the square
with you.
KASTLE
I'm sure you have Buzz.
BUZZ
Wish me luck.
Buzz jogs out into a spotlight.
KASTLE
Break a leg...
(sneers)
...partner.
29 INT. DWARF BOWLING ALLEY 29
APPLAUSE erupts as Buzz appears in the spotlight. The dwarf
bowling alley is a pungently smoke-filled room peopled with
shady, washed-up bowlers sitting in chairs behind a bowling
lane. The old-timers are shouting and pounding shots.
BUZZ
(over the PA)
Greetings, ladies, gentlemen.
(the place grows silent)
My dentist told me this one the other
day: How many bowlers does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
AUDIENCE
How many?
BUZZ
It takes three bowlers to screw in a
lightbulb. One to hold the bulb, one to
turn the ladder, and one to hold their
balls. Thank you, thank you. Just throw
money.
CUT TO:
30 EXT. BABYLON LANES - EVENING 30
Theo drives through the full parking lot of Babylon Lanes. He
pulls around the back and sees dark figures slip into a back
door. He parks his car, walks over to the now closed door.
It's locked. Theo finds another entrance and sneaks in. He
creeps his way through the darkened alley towards the sound
of raucous partying.
BUZZ (OS)
Welcome to Buzz Fazeli's Dwarf Bowling,
folks, where we bring you the finest in
specialized bowling entertainment.
THEO'S POV
Through a crack in a door Theo can see
Buzz standing in the spotlight.
BUZZ
I would like to draw your attention to
the top of the lane.
(a Casio drum roll PLAYS)
Weighing in at sixty-nine pounds and
standing exactly three feet - the
diminutive dominatrix Teeny Weenie Tina
the Terrible! The crowd CHEERS as the
spotlight moves to Tina, a masked lady
dwarf duded up in a combination black
leather and cowhide western style S&M
outfit. She CRACKS a whip and leers at
the bowlers. They HOWL with excitement.
BUZZ
Don't be shy, folks!
Tina straps into her customized skateboard. A drunken
customer forks over a wad of bills, steps up and grabs hold
of the mini-human projectile.
BUZZ
And - bowl 'er!
Tina is hurled head-first towards the pins. The crowd goes
wild.
TINA'S POV
The camera tracks low behind Tina as she
crashes into the pins.
31 INT. BABYLON LANES, BATHROOM 31
Theo sneaks into an empty bathroom. He hears voices and ducks
into a stall. Sid and Breeze shove Buzz into the room.
SID
Seems to me like you ain't got much
choice Buzz.
Sid shoves Buzz over to Breeze, Breeze shoves him back.
BREEZE
You're between Miles Kastle and a hard
place.
BUZZ
Aaay, hands off the tux!
Sid checks under the stalls, sees Theo's feet and whips open
the door.
SID
The busyboy!
Sid yanks Theo out.
THEO
Get your hands off me, you moron.
Theo tries to free himself from Sid's grip. He turns to Buzz.
THEO
What the fuck is this?
BUZZ
What's it look like to you?
THEO
It looks like dwarf bowling.
SID
Very good, busyboy.
THEO
(with intensity)
Dwarf bowling's illegal.
SID
(sarcastically)
What are you gonna do, call the bowling
police?
BREEZE
Heh, heh, heh.
THEO
You said it would be unethical to help
me. You call dwarf bowling ethical!
BUZZ
I do what I gotta do to survive.
THEO
You have no right to call yourself a
bowler. Buzz slaps Theo in the face.
BUZZ
I'm more of a bowler than you'll ever be.
I deal with my own shit. I ain't asking
anyone to bail me out.
THEO
I'm your blood.
BUZZ
You wish!
Theo pushes Buzz up against a stack of boxes full of new
bowling pins. Sid and Breeze hover behind them.
THEO
You knew she was pregnant.
Buzz reaches inside a box and pulls out a pin. He waves it
threateningly at Theo.
BUZZ
What makes you so sure it was me? She
coulda had lotsa bowlers! Theo rushes
Buzz and grabs his arm. The two men
struggle for the pin.
THEO
Don't say that about my mom!
BUZZ
I had a career. She wanted a little
bowler of her own. Sid and Breeze leap
into the fray, prying the two men apart.
They wrestle Theo against a wall,
pressing his face into the tiles.
THEO
Fuck you and fuck bowling.
BUZZ
That's a laugh. You're all strung out.
You're a bowling junkie.
THEO
I don't need the stinking pro-tour.
BUZZ
You're dead without the pro-tour, and you
know it. Get him away from me. Sid and
Breeze punch Theo in the face.
DISSOLVE TO:
32 DWARF BOWLING ALLEY 32
Theo is dragged through the dwarf alley crowd. He has blood
on his face. Half dazed, he looks up at all the distorted
leering faces that peer down at him. The crowd cat-calls and
laughs at Theo.
33 EXT. BABYLON LANES, PARKING LOT - EVENING 33
Theo is thrown onto the asphalt. Sid kicks Theo.
SID
You shoulda taken our advice, busyboy.
34 EXT. PETER PAN DINER - DAY 34
Theo sits in his parked car outside the Peter Pan diner.
Squinting in the bright light, he examines the cuts on his
face in the sideview mirror. He is looking scruffier. He sees
Sheila come out of the diner, start her scooter, and pull out
into traffic. He follows her.
35 EXT. BRIDGE 35
He follows the Vespa at a discreet distance as Sheila drives
over the bridge. The weather is windy and threatening.
Thunder RUMBLES.
36 EXT. MILES 'O' LANES 36
Theo pulls in next to Sheila's scooter under the big neon
sign for Miles 'O' Lanes Bowling Center. With a huge CLAP of
thunder and the SOUND of falling pins, the skies release a
pounding downpour.
37 KEN AND BARBIE, MACRO C.U. 37
Sheila's Vespa is parked in the handicapped space. The dolls
are wired to the headset of the scooter. Large droplets of
rain roll down their faces.
38 INT. MILES 'O' LANES 38
Theo walks into an ultramodern eighty-lane bowling center,
bowling bag in hand.
A huge banner reads 'Mothers and Daughters Bowl Free
Tonight!' The entire place is filled with pairs of moms and
their daughters - bowling away in matching bowling attire. A
three year-old girl stands staring at Theo.
THEO
Hello.
LITTLE GIRL
Waaaaaaaaah!
A mom grabs the little girl and whisks her away. Theo surveys
the alley and catches sight of Sheila bowling at the far end
of the alley.
39 LANE, SHEILA & LUNA 39
Sheila bowls with LUNA, a 30-ish black guy dressed in a Miles
'O' Lanes jumpsuit and wearing extensions in his hair. Sheila
prods her friend when she sees Theo.
SHEILA
Luna, that's the guy. I saw him do this
spooky bowling rain dance on the bridge.
LUNA
Typical.
Theo walks over. Sheila presents Theo with her ball.
SHEILA
Here Theo, it's the Fazeli specialty; a
seven-ten split. Theo looks down the lane
and sees the two pins standing.
THEO
I'm not here to - I can't...
Sheila can't release the ball from Theo's now-paralytic grip.
SHEILA
(knowing nod)
Bowling block.
40 INT. MILES KASTLE'S OFFICE 40
Kastle, Sid, and Breeze stare at a bank of video monitors,
their faces illuminated by the screens.
BREEZE
Think he'll bowl it?
KASTLE
Nah, he won't do it.
SID
Weird, comes into alleys and doesn't
bowl.
KASTLE
It's not an "Alley". I hate when people
call it a "Bowling Alley", it's so
common! I prefer "Bowling Center".
BREEZE
What's this guy here for, anyway?
KASTLE
Maybe he's here to pay his last respects.
SID
Someone gonna get kacked, boss?
KASTLE
If I find out Buzz is comin' up short on
dwarf bowling, it's lights out for him
and pink slips for you. Sid and Breeze
look sideways at each other.
KASTLE
I hired you rent-a-thugs to keep tabs on
the Faz. I want you all over him like a
tent. Find out how that little weasel's
ripping me off. Buzz Fazeli's gonna blow
the lid off dwarf bowling!
41 LANE, SHEILA & THEO 41
The two of them sit together behind the lanes.
THEO
I came here to have a word with your dad.
SHEILA
What do you want with my dad?
THEO
Business.
SHEILA
Won't your father help you with that?
THEO
(shakes his head)
Having a legend for a dad isn't all it's
cracked up to be.
SHEILA
Your dad's one of the only nice people in
this fucking town. My Dad is slime.
Kastle walks over. Theo stands up and
shakes Kastle's proffered hand.
KASTLE
So you're Buzz's boy. I've been expecting
you. You hurt my feelings when you didn't
come and see me sooner.
THEO
You know who I am?
KASTLE
Nobody sticks a finger into a bowling
ball in this town without Miles Kastle
knowing about it. You don't mind if I
have a word with Theo, do you bunny?
Kastle takes Theo by the elbow and pulls
him away.
KASTLE
I heard you've been having a little
trouble with the Congress.
(waves at a mother/daughter
couple)
Theo pulls his eyes off Sheila. Kastle
walks Theo past pairs of bowlers.
THEO
You might say I'm at the top of their
shit list.
KASTLE
Maybe I can help you.
(calling to a young bowler)
Try a lighter ball, Penelope - you'll get
hurt with that big ball, honey.
(to Theo)
I've seen tapes of you bowling on the
circuit. You got Fazeli blood running
through you. Your pop was a genuine
talent in his day.
THEO
What's with the bad air between you two,
Mr. Kastle?
KASTLE
(dismissive gesture)
It's nothing, just a slight business
imbalance.
(to a seated mother)
How's Gloria's thumb?
MOTHER (OC)
The blister's worse than last week.
KASTLE
No pain, no gain! Keep trying the ice.
Chin up, sweetie.
(turning to Theo)
This place is a bowling oasis.
THEO
It's very...clean.
They pause and Kastle waves to some bowlers.
MRS. JACKSON (OC)
Hello, Mr.Kastle.
KASTLE
Hello, Violet. How's my favorite
'bowlerina' doing?
MRS. JACKSON (OC)
132, 154.
KASTLE
You keep that up Carmelita and one day
you'll be a champion just like Mr.
Skinner here. What do you think, Theo?
Think Carmelita's got the stuff?
THEO
That's some pinfall. Almost a 133
average. Her ball's flat, she needs to
work on her spin control.
KASTLE
That's right, didn't you have a slight
control problem in a recent
tournament,champ?
(to Carmelita)
Now go take out your "big four", darling.
(to Theo)
Come on, we're making her nervous.
They continue walking.
KASTLE
I get them while they're young. Builds
loyalty.
MRS. JACKSON (OC)
She hit it, Mr. Kastle!
KASTLE
(waving over his shoulder)
Four or five years when a girl like
that's bowling on the pro tour for Team
Kastle, she'll pay a handsome profit on
my investment.
THEO
And the dwarf bowling?
They stop, and Kastle pulls Theo over to an enormous aquarium
near the lounge.
KASTLE
(making sweeping gesture)
Think of this business like a big
aquarium. You gotta have some sharks to
eat the dirt at the bottom so the guppies
can swim free at the top.
(more)
KASTLE
Profits down there, philanthropy up here.
(looks at Theo)
Besides, it beats the pants off bingo.
THEO
Nice set-up.
KASTLE
If it springs a leak, it'll be because
Buzz is making waves.
THEO
What if he wants to get out?
KASTLE
(chuckles)
He's earned an early retirement.
(sprays his mouth with Binaca)
But enough about losers; Buzz Fazeli is
history. Lets talk about your future.
(puts his arm around Theo)
I wanna show you something.
42 INT. MILES KASTLE'S OFFICE 42
Kastle and Theo stand in front of the huge bank of video
screens.
KASTLE
Rac. R-A-C. Renovate, Automate,
Computerize. That, my boy, is the future.
One of the monitors shows a little girl
bowling. Her ball moves so slowly it
barely tips over the first pin. Kastle
hits a key and the pins explode in an
emphatic strike. The little girl jumps
with joy.
THEO
What ever happened to just bowling?
KASTLE
There's a lot of competition for
amusement out there. You gotta adapt to
survive.
THEO
I like the sport the way it is.
KASTLE
A guy like you could breathe some fire
into bowling. You got ambition like
a...like a...blowtorch. You go for what
you want and anything that gets in your
way - PSSSHHT! - shish kebabs.
(puts his arm around Theo)
Maybe lady fate washed you up on my
doorstep for your own good.
(pauses for effect)
I think I could help you, Theo.
THEO
(he's been waiting for this)
How Mr. Kastle?
KASTLE
You need a sponsor; I have influence. I
could sponsor you.
THEO
Why would you help me?
KASTLE
I like you, Theo. You bowl with soul.
Kastle turns to his video screens.
KASTLE
But, now that you mention it, you could
afford me one minor dispensation. Theo
follows his gaze to the screen.
KASTLE
While you're in town, I need you to keep
an eye on my daughter for a couple of
days. Her big brother broke out of the
mental hospital... Theo's eyes glaze
over, the lights in the office dim, and
Kastle seems to recede into the far
distance.
43 THEO'S POV - NIGHTMARE 43
As running FOOTSTEPS are heard, the camera whizzes down a
darkened alley towards the pins.
KASTLE (OS)
...and I want someone watching out for
Sheila while he's, uh, loose.
44 EXT. WOODS - NIGHTMARE 44
The heels of Junior's running feet.
KASTLE (OS)
Junior's a problem child. He has a thing
about -
JUNIOR
(wails)
SHEILA!
45 INT. MILES KASTLE'S OFFICE 45
Theo snaps out of it, the room lights come up, and Kastle
points to her image on the TV screen. Sheila turns and looks
up at the video camera. Theo and Sheila's eyes seem to meet.
Theo freezes for a moment.
THEO
I could do that.
As the two men shake hands, Sheila "flips the bird" to the
camera.
KASTLE
One thing,
(pointing to Theo's mid-
section)
keep the meat in the freezer.
CUT TO:
46 EXT. HIGHWAY - EARLY EVENING 46
Theo and Sheila blast along the dark roadway on her Vespa,
Theo sitting behind Sheila.
THEO
(shouting above the engine)
This is a vicious cycle.
SHEILA
I think that a motorbike is one of the
last really free things that people can
do.
THEO
Isn't this technically a scooter?
SHEILA
When I'm on my bike I feel like a wild
person.
(she looks sideways at Theo)
Better than any sex I've ever had.
THEO
Kinda tough on the butt.
SHEILA
Everything has it's drawbacks.
THEO
Where did your brother escape from?
SHEILA
The mental hospital.
THEO
What does he do?
SHEILA
He follows me, he tries to have sex with
me, and then they send him to the nut-hut
for a while and then he gets out and then
he follows me, he tries to have sex with
me, they send him to the nut-hut for a
while...
THEO
Whoa.
SHEILA
It's a vicious cycle.
CUT TO:
47 EXT. PARKING FIELD 47
Sheila and Theo motor across an empty beach parking field
towards a lone station wagon. Swing-a-delic MUSIC drifts from
the parked vehicle.
47 EXT. STATION WAGON 47
Sheila pulls up beside the wagon. She leads Theo towards a
group of partying people at the tailgate of the car; three
white women, three white men and Luna. Luna pulls a rubber
hookah hose out of his mouth and offers it to Theo.
LUNA
Hookah?
THEO
No thanks, I don't hookah.
LUNA
Theo, you ever do the 'Swing'?
Theo shakes his head.
SHEILA
These guys all work at the alley, too.
This is John, Susan, Jon, Suzanne,
Jonathan, and Sue. Everyone welcomes Theo
and Sheila.
LUNA
(screams)
Dance Break!
Luna throws himself into a wild body-whip as the music THROBS
massively.
EXT. DANCE
Luna and Sheila do a wild jitterbug-derived Swing-a-Delic
dance surrounded by weaving white folk.
EXT. BARBECUE
One of the guys is on crutches, has a neck brace, a chest
cast, and one arm in a truss. He stands by the barbecue and
flips burgers with his one free hand. Theo walks over to him.
GUY
Hey man, howyadoin'?
He wiggles his hand out of the end of his cast. Theo shakes
his fingers.
THEO
Don't tell me, John.
JOHN
Cool!
THEO
Theo. Howzitgoin.
JOHN
Hey man, welcome to our parking lot.
Lemme give you some advice, if she asks
you to dance, make sure her brother's not
around. Somebody blew out Junior's pilot
light, if you get my meaning.
THEO
How's that?
JOHN
I was doing the lambada with her and the
guy freaks, he breaks my arm, tries to
kill me. I swear man, the guy thought I
was a pi–ata. If nobody else hadn't a
been there, he wouldn't have stopped. He
woulda killed me. Fuckin' guy man, just
snapped. How do you like your burger?
THEO
(meets eyes with Sheila)
Uh...over easy.
JOHN
(throws a blackened burger on
Theo's styrofoam plate)
I'll tell you one thing, you won't see me
around that alley with that freak on the
loose. Stay away from his ass - and don't
play any of his fuckin' knock-knock
jokes.
Luna comes over to Theo and grabs him. They start to dance.
LUNA
Sheila wants me to show you a few steps
before you two swing-a-delic.
THEO
(uneasily)
So, you're the pinman around here?
LUNA
...And one, and two, and yes, I am. But
no one gets them working like Junior used
to...and two, and one.. - they call him
The 'Quasimodo of the lanes.' He's the
best pinman there is.. and one and
two...People used to say he got the
machines working so well 'cause he
lubricated them with blood...and two, and
one...but people just love saying things
about Junior.
SHEILA
Mind if I cut in?
THEO
No, not at all.
EXT. DANCE
Theo pulls out his resin bag, powders up his hands, and goes
for Sheila. Theo and Sheila get low and nasty on the tarmac.
Sheila turns and does the freak to Theo, rubbing her rear end
into his crotch. As Theo and Sheila dance over near John he
makes a throat slitting gesture across his neck. Theo's hands
leave white prints on Sheila's butt. The Swing-a-delic funks
so hard it causes spontaneous audience dance riots and
structural damage in theaters across the country.
SHEILA
You and your sideburns are the talk of
the party, Theo.
THEO
The ladies in Akron call them thigh-
ticklers.
SHEILA
Can I ask you something personal?
THEO
I'd rather you didn't.
SHEILA
Do you have a girlfriend?
THEO
Not while I'm in training.
SHEILA
Do you have a boyfriend?
THEO
(surprised)
No. Do You?
SHEILA
No. Not at the present.
EXT. PARKING FIELD - NIGHT
Sheila and Theo toast marshmallows over the barbecue as the
rest of the party dances in the background.
THEO
So this brother of yours is hazardous to
the health of your dates?
SHEILA
Nobody in this town really understands
Junior. When I went to family sessions
for him I realized he was the sanest one
in the family. Actually, he's the only
one in this whole fucking town who knows
exactly who he is and what he wants.
THEO
Unfortunately what he wants is you.
SHEILA
So, what about you?
THEO
Do I want you?
SHEILA
We'll get into that later.
CUT TO:
48 INT. MILES KASTLE'S OFFICE 48
Alone, Kastle stares at the bank of video monitors and runs a
battery powered fuzzball remover around his collar. The
monitors are deserted. Miles absently pans a camera over and
then sits bolt upright. On the screen he can see Buzz Fazeli,
in a room at Babylon Lanes, surrounded by large piles of
cash, stuffing rolls of bills into hollow bowling pins.
KASTLE
(with rising anger)
Why that filthy, slimey, double-crossing,
misbegotten, two-faced, mangy, son-of-a-
bitch bastard!
The motor in the fuzz ball remover SHRIEKS as Miles squeezes
it to death. It shatters in his hands.
49 EXT. PARKING FIELD - NIGHT 49
Theo and Sheila lie on the roof of the station wagon. "Devil
With The Blue Dress" by Shorty Long plays on the stereo. The
rest of the party throws marshmallows at each other in the
distance.
SHEILA
Theo, what would you do if you couldn't
bowl?
THEO
I don't know. It's all I ever wanted to
do.
SHEILA
I wanted to be a motocross champion. My
folks didn't really care what I did. Then
Junior blew a fuse and I became their
last hope. Most girls get ballet stuffed
down their throats, I got bowling. I
never understood how anyone could take it
so seriously. I hope I'm not insulting
you.
THEO
No, I'm fascinated.
SHEILA
Why were you suspended?
THEO
I used to be kind of wild. They used to
call me the bad boy of bowling.
SHEILA
So you're hoping Buzz can get you re-
instated?
THEO
Well, that was plan A.
SHEILA
What's plan B?
THEO
Plan B is your dad.
SHEILA
What do you think my dad's gonna do for
you?
THEO
He said he'd sponsor me.
SHEILA
Ha! And what do you have to do for him?
THEO
Nothing.
SHEILA
Oh really? Nothing? My dad doesn't do
anything unless there's something in it
for him.
THEO
He asked me to keep an eye on you for a
couple of days.
SHEILA
What? Be my body guard?
(she laughs)
Here's my body, Theo. Guard it. For my
dad's sake. For your career. Sheila
starts to unbutton her bowling shirt.
THEO
Sheila, please.
SHEILA
Come on Theo, what about plan C?
THEO
(looking worried)
What's plan C?
SHEILA
Plan C...
(opens her shirt, showing off
her brassiere)
...is me.
Sheila takes Theo's nervous hands and places them inside her
shirt.
THEO
(torn)
Look, Sheila, I really like you but...
Sheila rolls on top of him, and plants a
hickey on his neck.
THEO
(stopping her)
Forget it, Sheila.
50 INT. MILES 'O' LANES 50
Kastle hurries through the darkened bowling alley. He stops
short as a warning alarm begins to sound from somewhere deep
within the building. Lane six lights up and comes to life.
Kastle walks slowly forward.
KASTLE
Junior? Is that you, Junior? Don't be
afraid. Where are you? I won't hurt you.
INT. MACHINERY GALLEY
Kastle stealthily sneaks along beside row upon row of silent
pin reset machines shining a flashlight in front of him.
KASTLE
Come on, Junior. Everyone's waiting for
you, son. The beam of light catches
Junior's face. He is crouched inside the
machine at lane six. Jr. His face is cut
and bleeding and his straitjacket torn
and filthy.
JUNIOR
Needs lubrication. Lubrication.
KASTLE
We're having a party for you, boy. Cake
and shish-k-bob, just like you love.
Junior cringes away from the light.
JUNIOR
You made me hurt him!
Kastle reaches into his pocket and pulls a gaudy digital
wristwatch from his pocket.
KASTLE
Look what I got for you.
He holds the watch up in front of Junior. Junior looks
curiously at the watch.
KASTLE
Happy Birthday Junior!
The watch begins to play an electronic version of "Raindrops
Keep Falling On My Head." Junior's face lights up.
JUNIOR
Ooooooohhh.
Kastle begins luring Junior out of machine number six with
the watch.
KASTLE
I have someone for you to play with
Junior.
JUNIOR
Someone wants to play with me?
KASTLE
I have someone for you to play Blueface
with Junior.
JUNIOR
Blueface! Blueface is my favorite.
51 EXT. ROAD, SID & BREEZE'S CAR - DAY 51
Breeze and Sid speed down a road in their damaged hulk. The
TENOR of Enrico Caruso can be heard from inside.
51 INT. SID & BREEZE'S CAR 51
Breeze drives. Sid gazes out the window. Enrico Caruso WAILS
from the car stereo.
SID
Bowling used to be so pure, so...All-
American. Breeze sings along with Caruso
and pretends to conduct.
BREEZE
La da da dalala...
SID
(looking heatedly disturbed)
I hate fuckin' opera.
BREEZE
How could you hate opera, Sid? Opera has
all the drama and excitement of real life
- to music!
SID
How do you know, you don't even speak
Latin?
BREEZE
You listen to the feelings, not the
words.
SID
You got an 8-track tape player on
purpose, just 'cause you knew the only
thing they had on 8-track was fuckin'
opera.
BREEZE
It was a clearance.
Sid seems to calm down.
SID
(wistfully)
You know, Elvis bowled.
BREEZE
No kiddin'.
SID
Bowling was the most incorruptible sport.
No megalomillionaires, no
(more)
SID
gambling. And it was a safe place for
kids, a place where the whole community
could meet for some wholesome, clean fun.
BREEZE
(sympathetically)
Sure, Sid.
SID
(becoming rabid)
But not no more. Now people take
advantage. Bowling ain't what it used to
be. There's something evil spreading in
this sport - like a big, gigantic, puss-
ridden -
BREEZE
(getting excited)
- canker sore.
SID
(apoplectic)
Right, eating at the core, eating it's
way out. It makes me sick!
Sid starts pressing buttons on the tape deck
SID
How do you turn this thing off?
BREEZE
Wait! That's an aria!
Sid and Breeze struggle for the cassette. The music DISTORTS
into a warbling gurgle of an aria.
SID
Gimme that!
Sid yanks the cassette out, but the tape becomes tangled in
the player. He pulls at the endless yards of tape and throws
the whole mess out the window.
52 EXT. PETER PAN DINER - DAY 52
Theo, wearing sunglasses and dressed in a jogging suit
similar to Miles Kastle's, steps out of the diner with a bag
containing four orange whips. He goes over to his parked car.
Buzz walks up.
BUZZ
(in deadly serious)
Theo, I want you to get out of this town.
THEO
I'm getting to like it here.
BUZZ
Did that porcupine say he'd get you back
on the tour?
THEO
I gotta survive.
BUZZ
(shaking his head)
He'll be a barnacle on your ass the rest
of your life.
THEO
You got a better offer?
BUZZ
No...
THEO
I didn't think so.
Theo takes a long drag from his orange whip.
BUZZ
Not for somebody who hit a man with his
ball on national television.
THEO
(bitterly)
That's right, Buzz, and you know when I
did it? Last match, last frame. All I
needed was one spare for the crown - and
I get stuck with the seven-ten, the
Fazeli Split.
BUZZ
You never even took the shot. You
couldn't do it. Theo moves towards Buzz
in a threatening manner.
THEO
(repressed fury in his voice)
I was beaten on a shot named after my own
dad. The moment passes. Theo turns and
climbs into his car. He looks up at Buzz.
BUZZ
Look, kid, gimme a break. I'm an old man.
(taps chest)
I'm runnin' on a Delrin aorta. I'm
finished - dead from my ankles up.
THEO
I couldn't care less.
Theo starts his car.
BUZZ
You know what I think? You didn't
come here to find a father. You didn't even come here for
help. You just came here to take it all out on somebody. Well
it ain't gonna be me! Theo pulls out of the parking lot. Buzz
yells after him.
BUZZ
(at the top of his lungs)
I SHOULDA HAD MY TUBES TIED!
53 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, GARAGE 53
The Kastle home is a huge nouveau riche Brady Bunch style
house with a large deck jutting over the driveway. The doors
are open on the spacious two car garage.
Sheila has the headset of her Vespa disassembled. Theo walks
up the driveway, orange whips in hand.
SHEILA
I don't think your new outfit suits you,
Theo.
THEO
(flicking dust off the suit)
Really? I kinda like it.
He sits nearby.
SHEILA
Do you talk with your mom?
THEO
It's been awhile. She didn't want me
looking for my dad.
SHEILA
My mom told me not to stay in this town.
THEO
So why do you stay?
SHEILA
I'm a credit card junkie. I went on a
binge and my dad bailed me out. Now I'm
trapped in his easy payment plan.
THEO
I bet you get to meet a lot of eligible
bowlers.
SHEILA
Yeah, but they're all little wannabes.
I'm looking for a professional man.
THEO
(he ponders the thought)
I may not be a pro bowler, but I'm no
amateur man. Sheila moves closer to Theo.
SHEILA
(touches his lips)
How much would you charge me for the
lips?
THEO
More than you could afford.
SHEILA
Come on, bargain with me.
THEO
I could let them go for ten.
SHEILA
(she pulls away, slightly)
You professional men drive a hard
bargain. I'm afraid I only have five on
me. Sheila pulls out a 5 dollar bill.
THEO
(smiles)
If you want a professional man, you have
to be willing to pay for him.
54 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, DECK 54
Sheila and Theo stand on the deck. Sheila scans the road
leading to the house with binoculars.
THEO
What are you going to do about your
brother?
SHEILA
You're here.
THEO
What about the guy he put in the body
cast?
BINOCULAR POV
The road is empty
SHEILA
Momentary relapse. Except for that, he's
been making progress. Sheila laughs. Theo
nervously pulls his collar up over the
hickey on his neck.
SHEILA
Junior is like a faithful doggy. He loves
his birthday so much, that every year,
before we can go pick him up...
BINOCULAR POV
Kastle's car appears, driving hell-for-
leather towards the house.
SHEILA
...he breaks out of the hospital and
comes home on his own. Here they come.
She hands the binoculars to Theo, who
immediately trains them on the road.
SHEILA
My mom once had an affair. When my dad
found out, he had Junior kill the man.
The body was never found, but I think
Junior took him to the alley. Theo lowers
the binoculars and looks at Sheila.
THEO
Then it's true, isn't it? About...
SHEILA
...lane six. Yes.
55 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, DRIVEWAY 55
Kastle's car comes belly-flopping to a stop in front of the
house. Kastle climbs out and gesticulates wildly to the
couple.
KASTLE
(a loud whisper)
He's here! Come on down!
BLACKNESS INSIDE THE TRUNK
KASTLE (OS)
(muffled)
OK, hats on everybody.
SOUNDS of the group gathering outside can be heard.
SHEILA (OS)
(muffled)
Dad, this is ridiculous. Just open it.
KASTLE (OS)
(muffled)
Ssssh! Now real quiet. On three.
One...two...three!
The lid flies up and Kastle, Sheila, and Theo stand there,
with party hats and party horns in their mouths. They all
cheer and throw confetti.
EVERYONE
Surprise!
Kastle takes a flash snapshot. Junior, lying on some folded
blankets in the trunk, looks at his family with a stunned
expression. He is in a straitjacket. Junior's new watch
begins to PLAY "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head". He
struggles to pull his arm out, but can't. Kastle reaches in
to untie the straitjacket.
KASTLE
Steady boy, steady.
Untied, Junior presses the BEEPING watch against his ear. His
face breaks into a beatific smile.
CUT TO:
56 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, PICNIC TABLE - AFTERNOON 56
Kastle pulls shish kebab chunks off a skewer. He looks down
to see that one of the chunks is a melted Ken head. He throws
it away in disgust.
KASTLE
I bet you didn't know that you and Junior
have something in common, Theo: Junior
can't bowl anymore either. Isn't that
right Junior? Kastle SLAMS the ketchup
bottle down on Junior's right hand. The
table settings jump from the shock.
Junior sits impassively, his face a
blank.
KASTLE
See! No feeling. Tell Theo what happened
to your hand, Junior.
SHEILA
After we eat, Dad.
KASTLE
He stuck it in the ball return machine
when he was a kid. Crushed all the nerve
endings. Junior starts stroking the
ketchup bottle with his dead hand.
JUNIOR
It's not so bad. When I'm alone, it feels
like someone else. Sheila grabs the
bottle from Junior, opens it and pours
some on her shish kebab. She leans over
and whispers furiously to her father.
SHEILA
Do you have to get your hooks into every
guy I'm interested in?
KASTLE
(whispers back, defensively)
You're just like you mother! Always
jealous!
SHEILA
That's why Mom ran away, because you had
to control everything!
KASTLE
She ran away to be with that...
(spits out his words)
that Motocross champion.
JUNIOR
Your turn, Theo. Why can't you bowl?
Sheila and Kastle sit up.
THEO
I don't like to talk about it.
JUNIOR
You're prone to violent outbursts, aren't
you?
THEO
It depends.
JUNIOR
It feels good to let it out, doesn't it?
Sheila leans over and whispers furiously
to her father.
SHEILA
You're using Theo for your own deviant
purposes!
KASTLE
Look who's talking!
SHEILA
Leave him alone!
KASTLE
Just because your mother signed part
ownership of the lanes over to you,
doesn't mean you have a right to tell me
how to run my business! I can have my
lawyers take that deed away from you like
that.
(snaps his fingers)
Sheila and Kastle sit up.
KASTLE
Junior, how 'bout a riddle?
JUNIOR
(turns to Sheila)
Sheila. Knock-knock.
Sheila glances nervously at Theo.
JUNIOR
(impatiently)
Come on Sheila, knock-knock.
SHEILA
Who's there?
JUNIOR
Junior.
SHEILA
Junior who?
JUNIOR
J'you-and-your-friend do it yet?
(laughs)
KASTLE
(laughing)
Fantastic! What talent.
SHEILA
(caustically)
You still got the touch Junior.
CUT TO:
57 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, CAKE 57
A bowling pin-shaped cake with candles ablaze is presented to
a seated Junior. He is wearing a paper birthday hat. The four
orange whips are arrayed around the table.
KASTLE
Make a wish, son.
Junior stares into Sheila's eyes for several seconds.
JUNIOR
Same wish as last year.
Sheila blows out the candles in a hurry.
SHEILA
It won't come true, Junior.
Kastle places a gift-wrapped box in front of Junior and lifts
the lid. He reaches in and pulls out a huge, intricate claw-
like arm-shaped device made of plastic and metal and covered
with cables.
KASTLE
It's a bowling claw. You can bowl now,
Junior. With the whole family. Junior
beams at the group.
KASTLE
(puts one arm around Junior and
one on Theo)
Pretty soon everybody can bowl!
The two sleazeballs walk up onto the deck and over to the
table.
SID
Hello Mr. Kastle.
(nods to seated party)
Junior, long time. I thought they locked
you up and threw away the warden!
BREEZE
Is it true they blacked out the whole
county giving you electro-shock? Junior
looks from one man to the other,
breathing heavily, his nostrils flaring.
JUNIOR
Knock, knock.
BREEZE
Who's...
SID
(interrupting)
Don't do it Breeze!
(to Junior)
You ain't getting us into that.
Kastle gets up.
KASTLE
Hey, enough fun and games. We have work
to do. Come on Junior. Kastle heads for
his car. Junior gets up and follows. The
two sleazeballs tarry as Theo stands.
SID
(to Theo)
If Junior thinks you're doing the bouncy-
bouncy with his sister, he's gonna tap
dance on your spleen.
(pokes Theo in the side)
BREEZE
(pulls down Theo's collar to
reveal the hickey)
With cleats.
The two men turn, laughing, and follow Kastle.
58 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, DRIVEWAY 58
Kastle huddles with Sid and Breeze, Jr. stands nearby
fiddling with his new bowling arm.
KASTLE
Buzz has been moving the cash out in
hollow bowling pins. Sid and Breeze throw
sideways glances at each other.
SID
No!
KASTLE
I want you two to pick up Buzz and bring
him to lane six. Junior will take it from
there.
JUNIOR
(perks up at mention of lane
six)
I'm gonna play Blue Face!
CUT TO:
59 EXT. BABYLON LANES, PARKING LOT 59
Buzz checks if the coast is clear and then stuffs boxes of
bowling pins into the trunk of his car.
CUT TO:
60 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, DECK 60
Theo and Kastle stand on the deck watching the sleazeballs
put Junior into the trunk of their car. Kastle lights an
oversized cigar and hands one to Theo.
MILES
Champ, as soon as you get back on the
tour, we should do an instructional
videotape. 'RAMBOWL' Theo Skinner teaches
Power Bowling. You on the cover with a
flame thrower. Kastle lights Theo's cigar
and they puff away.
KASTLE
Theo, how would you like to be my new
partner?
THEO
You already have a partner Mr. Kastle.
Sheila walks over as the sleazeballs' car
pulls out of the driveway.
KASTLE
I think Buzz is retiring soon. In fact, I
think he's retiring tonight. Kastle pulls
out a shiny gold credit card and holds it
in front of Sheila.
KASTLE
Here, Bunny. Why don't you two go and do
something fun tonight, on me. Sheila is
lured to the scent of the plastic like a
junkie to a fix.
KASTLE
One thing, stay away from the lanes. If
Junior sees you two together, he'll
swallow his tongue.
She reaches for the card and Kastle
snatches it away from her with a chortle.
KASTLE
What did I say?
SHEILA
Don't go near the bowling alley.
KASTLE
(enunciating clearly)
Bowling "Center"!
Kastle hands her the card and heads into the house.
SHEILA
It wouldn't bother you if Buzz was in
danger, would it?
THEO
Nope, I couldn't care less.
SHEILA
I'm sure you wouldn't care if he needed
your help, right?
THEO
Why should I help that old fuck.
SHEILA
(sarcastically)
Yeah, what did Buzz Fazeli ever do for
you?
THEO
Zip.
SHEILA
And besides, it's probably too late,
anyhow.
THEO
(exhaling cigar smoke)
Way too late. Buzz Fazeli is history.
(goes to take another drag,
then stops)
Too late for what?
She turns away.
SHEILA
Nothing.
THEO
Too late for what, Sheila?
SHEILA
You know how people with broken bones
know when there's a storm coming?
THEO
You got any broken bones?
SHEILA
No, but something's gonna blow in this
town. I can feel it.
THEO
Are you fucking with me Sheila? Is
something gonna happen to Buzz? Sheila
seems to be trying to tell Theo, but is
unable.
SHEILA
(faltering)
I can't tell you, Theo.
THEO
Why not?
SHEILA
I saw your eyes when you hit that guy
with your ball on TV. THUNDER rumbles.
Theo takes Sheila by the shoulders.
THEO
(gently)
Tell me, Sheila. What are you afraid of?
Sheila shakes her head.
SHEILA
I'm afraid you'll hurt him.
THEO
It's Junior, isn't it.
SHEILA
(starting to cry)
I can't - I can't do it.
(she looks up through her tears
at Theo)
He's my brother.
THEO
He's my father.
CUT TO:
61 EXT. BUZZ'S HOUSE - NIGHT 61
Sid and Breeze's car sits in front of Buzz's house. 8-track
opera PLAYS on the car stereo. A man screams and glass
smashes.
INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE
P.O.V. shot running desperately through the house, knocking
things over, smashing things. We HEAR Buzz screaming in
terror. The scream is cut off. With a THUD, the camera falls
over and hits the floor. The golf ball rolls slowly into
view, and stops. Footsteps recede, a door slams, and a car
drives away.
CUT TO:
62 EXT. MILES 'O' LANES - NIGHT 62
Theo and Sheila walk her Vespa up to the darkened alley. Theo
is wearing his own clothes again. The SOUND of a lone bowler
is heard. Theo straps on his wristbrace. Sheila pulls out
keys.
SHEILA
These open the back door. Don't let him
catch you behind the machines; if he
does, you're trapped. I'll meet you at
the bridge. Theo takes the keys. Sheila
grabs his arm.
SHEILA
You don't have to do this. We could just
cut out of here, go to Akron, or
anywhere else.
THEO
(dislodging her hand gently)
I'll be at the bridge.
63 INT. MILES 'O' LANES 63
Theo snakes his way along the rows of pin machines, towards
the only light source - lane six. As he leans in to peer
through the machine, a ball EXPLODES into the pins. Junior,
wearing his elaborate bowling claw, is working himself into a
sweaty froth. Junior picks up his ball and sends it CRASHING
into the pins.
THEO
Knock-knock.
JUNIOR
(stops and looks around)
Who's there?
Theo remains silent.
JUNIOR
(getting angry)
Who's there!
THEO
Buzz Fazeli.
JUNIOR
NO. I SAY KNOCK-KNOCK! You say who's
there. I say who's there and then you say
who who. You're not playing right.
(primly)
Knock-knock.
THEO
Who's there?
Junior walks towards Theo.
JUNIOR
Junior.
Theo remains silent.
JUNIOR
JUNIOR!
(boiling)
You're supposed to say JUNIOR WHO! I'm
going to have to hurt you. Theo and
Junior circle one another.
JUNIOR
You shouldn't touch her.
THEO
No, Junior, you shouldn't touch her.
JUNIOR
Nobody touches her. Except me. I touch
her. Sheila told me you played bouncy-
bouncy with her.
THEO
What did your dad tell you to do to Buzz?
Theo scrambles up the lane on hands and
knees. Junior catches him, grabbing his
ankles.
JUNIOR
He told me to play Blue-Face with Buzz. I
like games.
THEO
(struggling to get away)
What did you do to Buzz?
JUNIOR
You played bouncy-bouncy with Sheila, so
I'm gonna play Blue-Face with you.
(he grabs Theo's throat)
THEO
(hoarsely)
I don't want to play.
Theo stretches to get a nearby ball, but just can't reach it,
by millimeters.
JUNIOR
To play, I press my fingers on a throat
like this...
(he presses tighter on Theo's
windpipe)
...and then the mans face would go blue
and I should keep pressing...
(Theo's face goes pale blue)
...and I did and then he stopped moving
and he didn't play anymore after that.
Theo bends back a finger on Junior's
hand. Junior lets out a HOWL of pain and
releases Theo's neck. Theo GASPS for air.
JUNIOR
You didn't play fair.
(stands up)
You were almost blue.
Theo gets his fingers in a bowling ball and brings it up to
bash Junior in the head.
JUNIOR
Go ahead Theo, I saw you on TV. I'm your
biggest fan. Junior offers Theo his
unprotected head.
JUNIOR
(yelling)
Come on Theo, GIVE ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH!
Theo bashes Junior in the head with the ball. It bounces off
Junior's head like a Nerf ball and rolls down the alley.
JUNIOR
Thank you, Mr. Skinner! Thank you!
Theo desperately, but fruitlessly tries to get away. As he
crawls over the ball return trough, Junior puts his foot on
Theo's head.
JUNIOR
I can have her,you know.
(looks around and whispers)
She's not my real sister.
(he flashes a lecherous smile)
THEO'S POV A ball pops up at
the far end of the return and
TRUNDLES rapidly towards Theo.
The ball hits Theo's face with
a POW. BLACK OUT We HEAR
"Raindrops Keep Falling On My
Head." THEO'S BOWLING SHOE
ATTIRED FEET Being dragged
down the lane. Theo comes to
and looks down his body to see
the empty lane. He looks up to
see Junior pulling him towards
the pin reset machine. The cut
on Theo's forehead bleeds down
the side of his face.
JUNIOR
(muttering)
Lubrication.
MACHINE NUMBER 6
Junior pulls the dazed Theo into the pin-reset machine and
positions him under the pins. As Junior prepares the
machinery, a control cable on his claw becomes fouled. Junior
begins to thrash about as he tries to disentangle himself and
his malfunctioning arm. Theo rolls away as Junior's flailing
releases the machine. It comes slamming down on Junior just
as Theo slips out of harm's way. He gets up and staggers away
from the machine. Junior's HOWL echoes across the lanes. His
twitching feet protrude from the maw of the device. Lane six
goes dark. Theo limps up the lane.
CUT TO:
64 EXT. BRIDGE 64
Theo drives up to the erect draw-bridge. He stops and gets
out. The night is silent.
THEO
(loud whisper)
Sheila! Where are you?
Sheila pops out of the bushes and walks towards Theo.
THEO
(angry)
You told Junior that we did it.
SHEILA
It?
THEO
It. Bouncy-bouncy. Fucked. He tried to
squeeze my fucking head off. What did you
say to him?
When they reach each other, they stop.
Sheila seems to weigh her answer.
SHEILA
I told him you were my boyfriend.
THEO
(very pissed off)
What the hell did you go doing that for
Sheila? We haven't even gotten naked yet!
SHEILA
We would have sooner or later.
THEO
Oh great! He tried to kill me! You knew
he would go off if he thought I fooled
around with you.
SHEILA
Did you - kill him?
Theo paces up and down in front of the upright bridge.
THEO
How do you get this thing down?
SHEILA
Tell me what happened Theo.
Theo backs Sheila towards the bridge control booth.
THEO
(glares at Sheila)
You wanted me to kill him, didn't you?
SHEILA
(in shock)
If he's not dead, he'll keep coming back.
THEO
He's dead Sheila.
SHEILA
I feel sick.
THEO
You should.
SHEILA
Are you sure he's dead?
THEO
I didn't stop to take his pulse.
Theo boosts Sheila up the ladder to the control booth. The
hydraulic machinery of the bridge heaves into motion and the
bridge begins to lower. Theo walks over to his car. Sheila
jumps down from the bridge control booth and follows him.
SHEILA
Where are you going?
THEO
I think your brother may have already
gotten to Buzz. He gets into his car.
SHEILA
Can I come with you?
THEO
I did your dirty work for you Sheila, now
fuck off. Theo drives away leaving Sheila
standing alone. She watches his car
recede with a thoughtful expression, then
turns on her heel.
CUT TO:
65 INT. THEO'S CAR - NIGHT 65
Theo grips the steering wheel with white knuckles. He nods
off at the wheel, the roadway through his eyes wavering and
distorting. He hits himself in the face in an effort to keep
himself awake.
66 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE - NIGHTMARE 66
The house is dark except for a light coming from the closed
bathroom door. Theo cautiously makes his way to the door.
THEO
(whispers)
Buzz? You alright?
WATER is running inside. Theo twists the doorknob and opens
the door with a jolt. Junior lunges out of the dark, mangled
and bloody with bowling pins sticking out of his chest.
JUNIOR
Don't you KNOCK?
Theo SLAMS the door shut.
67 EXT. BUZZ'S HOUSE - DAWN 67
Theo jerks awake. His car is parked by the Fazeli house. It
is a clear, blustery day.
A gust of wind pulls the screen door open, then SLAMS it
shut. He gets out of the car and walks unsteadily towards the
house.
68 INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM 68
Theo walks into the house. The place is completely trashed.
Theo picks up a golf ball from the floor. He makes his way to
the bathroom door and slowly turns the knob; then pulls back.
He picks up a nearby bowling ball and holds it over his head
as he reaches for the doorknob. This time, he thrusts the
door open. The bathroom is empty. Relieved, he cradles the
ball in his arms.
BALL
Thick crimson red fluid trickles down his
forearm, dripping off his elbow.
Horrified, he pulls his fingers out of
the ball. Blood streams out of the three
finger holes. He drops the ball to the
floor. He goes into the bathroom and
turns on the sink faucets.
INT. BUZZ'S HOUSE, BATHROOM
Water runs as Theo manically washes the blood from his hands
and arms. He rinses the blood from the holes of his ball and
looks up to the mirror. "NOK NOK" is smeared in blood across
his reflection.
69 EXT. 7-ELEVEN PHONE BOOTH - DAY 69
Theo waits through several rings.
GRACE
Hello?
THEO
Hello, mom?
GRACE
Theodore? Where are you? Are you alright?
THEO
I found dad.
GRACE
He's dead, isn't he.
(pauses)
Buzz Fazeli might just as well have died
before you were born.
THEO
Mom, you know I had to do it. I just did
it a little too late.
GRACE
You sure you're OK Teddy? You're not
bowling are you?
THEO
I gotta go. Love ya mom.
Theo hangs up the phone. Alfie shuffles over.
ALFIE
Did you hear about that bowler who got
smeared? I saw them pull a body bag out
of the alley. I heard he was kacked but
good. They had to take apart the pin
machine to get him out.
THEO
(stunned)
The pin machine?
ALFIE
Just like Junior did the last time; lane
six. All's I know is it's gonna be a
closed coffin. My advice to you is to lay
low. He puts on a pair of dark 7-Eleven
shades, flips up his collar and skulks
away.
70 EXT. MILES 'O' LANES 70
Theo pulls into the parking lot. The place is cordoned off
with day-glo yellow emergency tape printed with "Bowling
Police - Do Not Cross". A black bowling police van, its blue
light spinning, is parked in front. Bowling cops herd dwarfs
and customers into the van. Mothers and daughters mill around
behind the yellow tape. A group of little people brandish
"Right to Work" signs. Theo gets out of his car. The crowd
moves in as Kastle, hands cuffed behind him, emerges from the
door.
LITTLE GIRL
There he is!
Camera flashes POP all over the place. Two black-jacketed
bowling cops step out behind him. They are Sid and Breeze.
BREEZE
Bowling police, step back, give him room.
SID
Nothing going on here, everybody stand
back. Let him through, ladies. Ladies,
please. As they start to move through the
female throng, a little girl pops out in
front of them, holding her ball.
LITTLE GIRL
Mr. Kastle, we know you wouldn't do
anything bad.
KASTLE
Thank-you, sweetheart.
(turns to Breeze)
See that you pinheads! Character witness.
(with sweeping head gesture)
They're all character witnesses!
(he sees Theo)
Thanks to Buzz Fazeli, bowling is dead in
this town! He KILLED it! The two officers
hustle Kastle towards the van. Theo steps
out in front of him.
KASTLE
(between clenched teeth)
You fool, we could have done great things
together!
THEO
Where's Junior?
KASTLE
He killed your stoolie embezzler father,
and he's gonna kill you next! Sid and
Breeze push him towards the van as the
crowd's MURMUR increases. Kastle turns
and yells over his shoulder.
KASTLE
(shouting)
Lock your daughters up, ladies! Junior's
out there! Mothers and daughters send out
a cacophony of screams and scatter for
their cars. The BP cops hoist Kastle into
the back of the van. Sid slams the doors
shut. The van screeches off, sirens
wailing. Sid and Breeze walk up to Theo.
BREEZE
Sorry about your loss.
THEO
(shaking his head)
I should've pegged you guys for bowling
dicks from day one.
SID
You should probably hit the road. Go
home. This place could get hazardous for
your health.
THEO
So, Buzz was stooling for you guys.
SID
You call it stooling, we call it
cooperating. Breeze looks under Theo's
car.
BREEZE
Did you know you were parked in the
handicap space?
SID
Kastle's daughter's been lookin' for you.
Theo gets into his car and starts the engine. Sid and Breeze
poke their heads in the windows.
SID
She told us you went after Junior to save
your old man's hide. You got some balls
goin' after that psycho.
BREEZE
Only problem is, you didn't put his
lights out, you just got him mad. Then he
took it out on poor Faz, God rest his
soul. Theo patches out.
SID
Think he bought it?
BREEZE
I'd buy it!
Sid chews his lip worriedly.
71 INT. THEO'S CAR - AFTERNOON 71
Theo nods off for a second and then snaps back. His eyes seem
hypnotized by the lines on the road which seem to swim and
undulate unnaturally. He nods again. And snaps again.
72 EXT. PARKING FIELD - TWILIGHT 72
Theo pulls up to the old party spot and gets out. He walks
over the dunes and towards the beached station wagon. A huge
flame rises down the beach. A woman is visible in its light,
tossing objects into the fire. Theo walks towards her.
EXT. BEACH, BONFIRE
Sheila is stripping Barbie and Ken dolls and tossing them
onto the pyre. Each one goes up in an exaggerated WHOOSH of
flames. She notices Theo when he steps into the light.
SHEILA
Once my father walked in on me while I
was making Barbie and Ken do it. He
freaked. I was seven. He took all my
dolls away from me and cut them in half.
He gave the top halves back to
(more)
SHEILA
me. Then he made me watch him burn the
bottom halves in the fireplace. Theo
kneels down nearby and throws a Barbie
onto the bonfire. It goes up with a
WHOOSH.
SHEILA
I can see Junior's face in the fire.
Theo puts his hand on Sheila's hand. She looks at him.
SHEILA
Why did you come back?
THEO
When I'm with you Sheila, I don't even
think about bowling. Theo takes Sheila in
his arms and kisses her passionately. She
stops him and looks around nervously.
SHEILA
If Junior finds us, he'll kill us both.
THEO
I killed him once, I'll just have to kill
him again.
SHEILA
You don't get two chances with Junior.
THEO
At least I'll die smiling.
Sheila pushes him over. He falls backwards, her on top.
SHEILA
And you only get two chances with me.
Sheila yanks her shirt over her head and tosses it away.
FIRE
The shirt CRACKLES and burns.
She pulls Theo's head up to her breasts.
SHEILA
What's it gonna be, Theo?
A Barbie's breasts blister from the heat.
THEO & SHEILA
Theo bends Sheila backwards, down on her
back. She grabs the tail of his shirt,
yanks it over his head and off his body.
Sheila rubs her hands up Theo's back.
SHEILA
What's the plan, Theo?
A Ken back bubbles and melts. Theo lifts Sheila's back off
the sand and works her jeans down her legs.
SHEILA
Say something, Theo. Give me something. A
doll's legs catch fire. Theo stares into
Sheila's eyes.
THEO
Plan C. From now on it's gonna be plan C.
Both bodies throb and grind, their sandy
hands sliding over each others' sweaty
skin.
THEO
It's gonna be you, Sheila.
They humpty-hump to the beat of "Scientist's"
'DEMATERIALIZE.' We hear Theo and Sheila's stereophonic
MOANING as a Barbie and a Ken doll collapse and vaporize from
the blazing heat.
We pan up through the flames, the MOANS increasing in volume
and intensity as they reach the you-know-what-we've-all-been-
waiting-for.
CUT TO:
73 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY 73
A coffin moves slowly forward as a solemn DIRGE plays. The
top is in the shape of a bowling alley with a miniature black
bowling ball inscribed with "The Faz" at the head. The
pallbearers; Theo, Breeze, Sid, Tina, and two other bowlers
place the coffin on poles above the grave. A rotund priest
sprinkles holy water. Sheila stands next to Theo, crying.
(more)
Theo wears a glazed look. The priest clears his throat with a
loud AHEM.
PRIEST
(with pomp and vigor)
Bowling!
(pauses to reflect)
Bowling is a little like faith. Every now
and then, we are blessed with the ability
and strength to send a full roller down..
(makes bowling gesture)
...and scatter those babies like nobody's
business. And every now and then we end
up in the gutter.
(pauses and gets glum)
Buzz Fazeli found himself in the gutter
of life. Trapped in hook alley, throwing
nothing balls. But before he left us for
that pie alley in the clouds, he pulled
himself out of that gutter.
Buzz Fazeli died cleaning up the sport of
bowling. Now he lies at peace alongside
his lane brothers here in Bowlers' Field.
(makes sign of the cross)
He died so that we could bowl - with
dignity. Millie, decked out in mourning
black, lets out a wail, steps up and
throws a bouquet of flowers onto the
coffin.
MILLIE
(sniffles)
I forgive you Buzz.
Sid leans over to Theo.
SID
(in loud whisper)
The Faz sure took care a her.
(points to Millie, does the
cash rub with fingers)
Breeze makes a nasal GRUNT as he tries to
suppress a snigger. Sid - trying to keep
a straight face - elbows him. Sid and
Breeze approach the coffin. Breeze pulls
an orange whip out of a paper bag and
carefully places it on the coffin lid.
BREEZE
Nectar of the bowling gods, Faz.
SID
See ya 'round Faz.
Tina steps up to the grave with a handful of papers.
TINA
These are all your perfect games.
(she drops scoresheets onto the
coffin)
Bowl with God, Buzz.
Mourners sniff and cry. The coffin starts descending into the
ground. A stiff breeze scatters the scoresheets. Sheila
nudges Theo who approaches and tosses a handful of soil into
the grave.
THEO
Maybe you were right Buzz. Maybe I did
just come here to take it out on
somebody. But, I had to find my father...
The muffled BEEPING of "Raindrops Keep
Falling On My Head" begins playing from
inside the coffin. Theo's body jolts. He
runs after Sheila who is walking towards
her scooter.
THEO
Buzz is alive, Sheila.
The two sleazeballs gaze surreptitiously at him as they walk
towards their car. Theo grabs Sheila's jacket.
SHEILA
Theo, Buzz is dead.
THEO
I didn't come this far to bury a guy
that's not my dad. He owes me.
SHEILA
(bitterly)
Back to plan A. The vicious cycle all
over again. Theo lets go of Sheila.
SHEILA
I've been trapped by Miles Kastle my
whole life. She walks over to her
scooter, and mounts it.
SHEILA
Now he's the one who's locked up and I'm
the one who's free. If I gotta do this
alone, I might as well start now. She
revs up and peals out.
THEO
(yells)
SSHHEEIILLAAA!
74 EXT. CEMETERY PARKING LOT 74
As Sid and Breeze walk up to their car, Theo catches up with
them.
THEO
Why is Junior's watch in that coffin?
Something stinks around here.
SID
Your time is up, busyboy.
THEO
Who identified the body?
SID
The body was identified along proper
Bowling Congress guidelines for
processing a bowling related fatality.
THEO
I'm the next of kin. I should've seen
him.
BREEZE
After we ID, we bury the body. Case and
casket closed.
THEO
You tried to make it look like Junior
trashed his place. Junior's underground
in that coffin you dicks put him in.
BREEZE
It's splitsville for you.
Sid and Breeze back away from Theo.
THEO
You faked my dad's murder. You used him!
Where is he! Theo chases Sid and Breeze
around their car. He catches Sid and
grabs the middle fingers on his right
hand. Sid howls.
SID
Ow! Ooh! No, please! Doc said I'd be back
on the planks in a week! Show him Breeze!
Breeze pulls a copy of "New York Bowler"
from his pocket. The headline reads "RUB
OUT!:BOWLING LEGEND KACKED BY DWARFSCAM
KINGPIN" with a photo of Buzz Fazeli.
SID
It's official, you're an orphan.
Happy now, busyboy? Theo stares at the newspaper. He lets
Sid's fingers drop.
75 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY 75
Sheila speeds along, her Vespa maxing out at 30 mph. From
behind her we see Theo's car approaching rapidly. He pulls up
beside her.
THEO
(shouting and pointing
frantically)
What makes you think you know me so well
that you can give me an ultimatum? Huh?
SHEILA
Who said anything about an ultimatum? You
want to find your father? Get a shovel
and start digging. Hurry up, he's
probably in Purgatory by now. Sheila
makes a pathetic attempt to speed away
from Theo. He moves up beside her again.
THEO
You're really pissing me off.
SHEILA
I'm pissing you off? I'm doing what I
said I'd do. What the hell are you doing?
What about your word?
THEO
My word is good, and it'll always be
good. When did I ever give my word to
you?
SHEILA
What about plan C?
THEO
Fuck plan C!
SHEILA
Your word is so good, you're never gonna
give it to anyone.
THEO
You think I'm dumping you to get back
into bowling. Well who's dumping who?
SHEILA
I'm not dumping you, I'm suspending you.
THEO
Sez you!
SHEILA
Suck my dick!
She speeds ahead.
76 EXT. HIGHWAY 76
Theo THUNDERS along in his car. He listens to his SONG over
the stereo. Theo digs into his pocket and pulls out the golf
ball from Buzz's house.
77 GOLF BALL 77
The logo on the ball reads "PARADISE."
THEO
Paradise.
The white ball fills the frame.
THEO (OS)
(whispers to himself)
Paradise. Hmmmm
The camera pulls back from the ball to reveal:
78 INT. TROPICAL 7-ELEVEN - DAY 78
Theo standing in flowery long Bermuda shorts, matching
airbrush Luau shirt and 7-11 shades. The woman behind the
counter looks like Alfie's twin. (It's actually Alfie in
drag.) It's the same store as before, only with a tropical
motif. Instead of bowling magazines on the rack, there's Mini-
Golf Digest. ALFREDA examines the ball at arm's length,
through her bifocals.
ALFREDA
You a mini-golfer?
THEO
Nope.
ALFREDA
Paradise, huh? Might be one of the new
putt-putts off route 99. Theo turns to
leave.
ALFREDA
Can I get you something for the road?
THEO
You have orange whips?
ALFREDA
Orange who? Not from 'round here, are ya?
THEO
No. I'm from Akron.
79 EXT. BILLBOARD - DAY 79
The billboard fills the frame. It reads "Paradise Putt-Putt",
and underneath: "A heavenly experience." A motorized cheesy-
looking smiling dwarf-angel swings a golden club.
EXT. MINI-GOLF COURSE
Miniature golf obstacles are bathed in the light of the
setting sun. The camera passes a huge cement centaur
surrounded by astro-carpeting.
WOMAN (OS)
I just hold it loosely with both hands?
MAN (OS)
That's right, sugar, find the grip that's
right for you. Then grasp firmly.
The camera weaves past a five foot pink
whale with a gaping green mouth leading
onto a mini-green.
WOMAN (OS)
Grasp firmly. Then what?
MAN (OS)
Line up where you want it.
WOMAN (OS)
Yeah.
MAN (OS)
Now swing it out a little to the right...
WOMAN (OS)
Like this?
MAN (OS)
No, no, that's too far. Try a more gentle
stroke. It's all in the stroke. Go ahead,
now, honey - stroke. As the camera comes
around the side of the whale, we see an
elderly man in a fire hydrant red sports
coat and white slacks hunched over a
diminutive fiftyish woman. His back is
to the camera and he is wearing a
baseball cap with a plastic halo attached
to it.
WOMAN
Strokin'. Here goes nothin'.
She swings a club, sending a golf ball puttering into a cup.
MAN
Hole in one! You're the queen of stroke!
WOMAN
Yippy!
Theo strides towards the couple. The man under the halo is
(more)
Buzz. He raises the club at the approaching Theo, keeping the
woman in front of him as a shield. The front of Buzz's cap
reads "I'm No Angel."
BUZZ
Get away from me!
WOMAN
Who the hell are you?
THEO
Hi Dad.
WOMAN
Dad? You said you was single.
BUZZ
We ain't married no more.
THEO
He says that to all his wives.
As she tries to wiggle away from him, the club conks Buzz on
the noodle, squishing his halo.
WOMAN
(freeing herself - to Buzz)
Geez Maynard, is he telling the truth?
BUZZ
Don't pay him any mind, sweetheart.
WOMAN
You're a nice guy, Maynard, but if you
got two wives - I ain't into no
polybigamy. Buzz is silent. He takes the
club out of her hand. She steps away -
startled - then turns and jogs away. Buzz
throws down his club in a fury.
BUZZ
Goddam it! I was just about to make a
love connection. You sure got a way with
women. You show up, women get away.
THEO
(laughs)
The whole world thinks you're
underground.
BUZZ
I am underground.
Buzz removes his damaged cap.
THEO
It could just as easily have been me in
that box.
BUZZ
I told you to get lost. You forced
yourself into this mess, so the mess
accommodated you.
Buzz straightens out and carefully
remolds the bent out of shape halo.
THEO
What about bowling?
BUZZ
(takes a practice swing)
Bowling died for me years ago. Besides,
I'm a living dead legend. I'm a hero.
THEO
You're a scumbag.
Buzz pats his hair down and slips the cap back on his head.
BUZZ
I'm a live scumbag.
Theo digs into his pocket and retrieves the golf ball. He
tosses it to Buzz.
THEO
Nice knowing you, dad.
Theo turns and walks towards his car. Buzz pauses and walks
after him.
BUZZ
So, eh, you never saw me. Right?
THEO
I never saw you.
BUZZ
Thanks, kid.
(pause)
Where are you goin' now?
THEO
I'm goin' straight. No more short cuts.
Theo gets into the car. Buzz leans in the
open window.
BUZZ
Listen, if straight doesn't work out, you
come work for me.
(hands Theo his card)
Just make sure nobody's following you.
Buzz's face is eerily lit by the glow of
the sunset, his halo bouncing in the
breeze.
BUZZ
I didn't mean that stuff I said. I was
trying to keep you out of this muddle.
I'm glad I didn't have my tubes tied. Oh,
and by the way, I made a call for you
before I - uh - retired. Buzz takes his
card and scrawl on the back with a gold
pen.
BUZZ
(hands the card back)
You give Ed Klein of the American Bowling
Congress a call.
(taps the card)
Tell him your Maynard's boy. He's
expecting you, and he owes me. He'll
getcha back in like Flynn.
(pats Theo's cheek)
Don't say I never gave you nothing.
THEO
(cracks a half smile)
See ya 'round Maynard.
Buzz backs away from the car as Theo peels out in reverse.
Buzz stands and watches as Theo pulls away.
80 EXT. MILES 'O' LANES PARKING LOT - DAY 80
The sign has been changed to "SHEILA'S ALLEY." A sparkling
new badass super-chromed Vespa is parked in the handicap
zone. The Barbie and Ken dolls are wired to the headlamp.
They look incredibly worse for the wear. A parking ticket is
nestled between them. Theo's car pulls in nearby.
81 INT. SHEILA'S ALLEY 81
Theo walks through the doors and into the alley packed with
serious bowling types. As he walks towards the back of the
alley, several bowlers stop bowling and stare at him in awe.
LUNA
Theo! Howya doin'?
Theo walks on. Others greet the conquering hero.
BOWLER
Theo! Hey, Theo's back!
TINA
Hello there, stranger.
LITTLE GIRL
(still crying)
Waaaaaaaaaaah!
At the far end, we see Sheila, dressed in a fitted jogging
suit, bowling alone on her lane. Bowlers stop and hold their
balls at their sides. Sheila notices the whole alley is
silent. Theo steps up to the lane, bowling ball bag in hand.
As he straps on his wristbrace he peers down the lane and
sees a seven-ten split; mule ears.
CUT TO:
82 BLACKNESS 82
A loud ZIP and light spills in through three holes. Three
fingers approach the holes, blocking out the light once more.
With a POP, the fingers leave the holes and the ball hits the
lane with a KLUNK.
LANE
The camera races towards the pins along the maple boards.
PINS
Two pins loom in the foreground, one at each edge of the
screen. The ball slams into the right hand pin in super slow
motion with a ROAR. Theo's eyes slowly close. The pin lifts
and hurtles slowly across the frame towards its unsuspecting
fellow pin. Theo's eyes open. With a reverberating EXPLOSION,
the pin is taken out.
83 INT. SHEILA'S ALLEY, THEO & SHEILA 83
Theo turns to Sheila and takes her in his arms.
SHEILA
Very professional.
THEO
I am a professional man.
SHEILA
(touches his lips)
Lips still for sale?
THEO
(nonchalantly)
You bet. For five bucks, I'll even throw
in the tongue.
SHEILA
(she pulls away, slightly)
Can you change something this big?
She pulls out a hundred dollar bill.
THEO
I don't know.
Sheila stuffs the bill down Theo's pants.
SHEILA
You'll owe me.
They smooch big time. One by one, balls drop to the lanes
again and pins start CRASHING.
DISSOLVE TO:
84 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY 84
Alfie, hands trembling, lays a tiny wreath on Buzz Fazeli's
grave. The headstone reads, "Maynard 'Buzz' Fazeli 'I Never
Met A Bowler I Didn't Like.'" A muffled watch beeper CHIMES
"Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head." The camera pulls up to
show ten headstones laid out in a bowling pin set-up with
Buzz's at the head.
DISSOLVE TO:
85 EXT. MINI-GOLF COURSE 85
Buzz's silhouette against an orange sunburst sky. He wears
his halo hat. He takes a beautiful PGA-perfect slow motion
fluid golf swing, connecting with a THWAP. As he follows
through, divots of turf dance at his feet. MUSIC swells. He
holds the afterswing pose and gazes after the ball, off into
the distance.
FADE OUT
| 
