YES MAN
Written by
Nicholas Stoller
Based On the Book
"The Yes Man" by Danny Wallace
First Draft
February 2, 2007
EXT. RUDY'S - NIGHT
It's New Year's Eve at Rudy's, a hole-in-the-wall dive.
People stream into the bar to celebrate. Outside, CARL
KENDALL (30s) and his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend KATH are
having a quiet intense discussion.
KATH
You don't do anything more. You
used to be fun. Now you hardly
ever even leave your apartment.
CARL
I'm here, aren't I?
KATH
That's because it's New Year's Eve.
You have to be here. Besides, it's
not only social stuff. You used to
have dreams. You wanted to go to
business school, you wanted to work
for the World Bank.
CARL
So I discovered b-school's not for
me. People grow.
KATH
Growing is "X is not for me so I'll
do Y." You went X is not for me
and so I guess I'll sit on the
couch for the rest of my life.
CARL
(ACQUIESCING)
Well, look, this sucks, but I
understand where you're coming
from.
KATH
This is the problem. You don't
even care that I'm breaking up with
you.
CARL
Of course I care. But I also
understand.
KATH
You shouldn't just understand. You
should be mad. Or upset. Or sad.
Or something.
2.
CARL
We're at different places in our
lives. I get it.
KATH
Your girlfriend of two years breaks
up with you right before New Year's
Eve and all you can say is "I get
it?" It is completely within your
right to call me a bitch.
CARL
That would be inappropriate.
KATH
(tearing up)
I can't believe I've been dating
someone so emotionless.
CARL
C'mere. It'll be OK.
Carl hugs her.
INT. RUDY'S - MOMENTS LATER
Rudy's is a dive bar. Dartboard, pool table, scuffed wooden
floors, Miller Lite sign, etc. The patrons are all FACING
THE GIANT TELEVISION. The New Year's Ball is DROPPING.
Among the patrons is our hero Carl, his best friend PETER,
Peter's girlfriend LUCY, their party friend ROONEY and his ex-
girlfriend, Kath who's still a little red-eyed.
PATRONS
Three, two, one... happy New Year!
Everyone BLOWS NOISEMAKERS and POPS CHAMPAGNE.
PATRONS (cont'd)
(SINGING)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind? Should
auld acquaintance be forgot and
days of auld lang syne?
CARL
Well, that was fantastic. Good
night, guys.
PETER
You're going, already?
3.
KATH
We haven't even finished the song
yet.
CARL
I saw the ball drop and hugged all
of you. Aliens didn't invade. Our
computers are still working. What
else could possibly happen?
LUCY
Rooney might throw up.
ROONEY
It's true. I'm very close.
CARL
I see that happen like every night.
Good night and Happy New Year.
Carl leaves. His friends look concerned.
LUCY
How did he take the break-up?
KATH
(CRYING)
Like a robot. Two years, and
nothing.
LUCY
I'm so sorry.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Carl goes into his apartment. He lies down in his bed and
closes his eyes. CLOSE ON THE ALARM. His alarm goes off.
Carl HITS IT off. It's now DAYTIME.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - DAY
Carl gets dressed. He puts on a nametag for Southwest Bank.
EXT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl walks down the street, fast. He passes a CUTE GIRL
who's name we'll learn is RENEE passing out flyers for a band
called "The Flying Buttresses."
4.
RENEE
Wanna rock out tonight?
CARL
I don't rock out.
He walks into Dunkin Donuts.
INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
The Dunkin Donuts Cashier hands Carl his coffee.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
Would you like an Italian-inspired
coffee flavoring?
CARL
No thanks.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
How about the double doughnut
special?
CARL
No.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LATER
Carl sits at his cubicle, flips on his email.
CARL
(reading the email)
Dear Trusted Foreigner, Allow me to
introduce myself. I am the deposed
King of Nigeria and I wish to
propose a confidential transaction.
(to the computer)
Allow me to delete you, my liege.
NORMAN, his needy boss, comes up to him.
NORMAN
My teller reporting for duty.
CARL
I'm not a soldier.
NORMAN
You're a soldier on the front line
of finance.
(THEN)
(MORE)
5.
NORMAN (cont'd)
So, Carl, I'm having a party this
Friday. It's a funny hat party.
May I entreat you to come?
Carl looks at his calendar. It's totally empty.
CARL
(clearly lying)
I'm out of town.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOBBY
Carl stands in the middle of the floor staring into the
middle distance. A CUSTOMER approaches him.
BANK CUSTOMER
Hey, I need to speak to a loan
specialist and there's no one on
the floor.
CARL
Sorry. Today I'm officially a
greeter.
Beat.
BANK CUSTOMER
But there's no one around.
CARL
Someone might come. And if I'm not
here, they won't be greeted.
BANK CUSTOMER
You're really not going to help me?
CARL
Until I'm relieved as a greeter, my
hands are tied.
The Bank Customer sits down in the sectioned off waiting area
as Carl stands in the middle of the floor. It is very
awkward. No one comes in. Carl slowly moves so a column
blocks the customer's view of him.
Now that Carl's behind the column, he has a clear view of the
entrance of the bank. Through the floor to ceiling windows,
he sees the handsome NEW PRESIDENT OF SOUTHWEST BANK, CHRIS
PARKER, tear up in a Mercedes. He steps out of the Mercedes
with a hot girl on his arm. He and the girl walk into the
bank. Carl stares at them, jealously.
6.
CHRIS PARKER
Hey, there. I'm Chris Parker. The
new president of Southwest Bank.
Just wanted to come by and
personally introduce myself to
every branch manager.
NORMAN
That would be me. Norman Calhoun.
Chris turns to Carl.
CARL
I'm Carl Kendall. Just a teller.
CHRIS PARKER
I was "just a teller." And now I'm
"just president of the largest bank
in the Southwest."
(to Norman)
You need anything, you let
corporate know. You hear?
NORMAN
Definitely.
Chris Parker and his HOT SECRETARY leaves. Carl watches
them, clearly jealous.
NORMAN (cont'd)
Nice work if you can get it. Am I
right?
CARL
(clearly jealous)
Yeah, if you're into fake breasts
and German engineering.
NORMAN
Check and check.
The Bank Customer comes around.
BANK CUSTOMER
Can you help me now?
CARL
No, but this gentleman can.
Carl indicates Norman. Norman goes to help the customer.
7.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
Carl stares up at the clock. The clock finally CLICKS TO
5:00PM.
NORMAN
Think about my party, Carl!
CARL
Will do!
INT. CARL'S KITCHEN
Carl microwaves a Lean Cuisine.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl watches Survivor while eating Lean Cuisine.
INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
Carl lays down and closes his eyes. The alarm GOES OFF
again. PULL BACK to reveal it's morning.
INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
Would you like an Italian --
CARL
No thanks.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
How about --
CARL
No.
EXT. STREET
Carl ignores the girl handing out fliers.
8.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
NORMAN
Valentine party. Just wear
something red!
CARL
Can't.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
Carl stares as the clock clicks to 5:00. He's out the door.
INT. CARL'S KITCHEN
Carl warms up a frozen pizza.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl eats the frozen pizza and watches Big Brother.
INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
Carl lies down. The alarm FLIPS ON.
QUICK CUTS:
-- IN DUNKIN DONUTS
CARL
No.
-- ON THE STREET. Carl refuses the pamphlet.
-- IN SOUTHWEST BANK
NORMAN
Dress as your favorite animal --
CARL
Sorry.
-- CLOSE ON THE CLOCK. IT FLIPS TO 5:00.
-- AT HOME
Carl eats frozen lasagna while watching The Amazing Race.
9.
THE IMAGES START TO MOVE FASTER:
-- CARL IN DUNKIN DONUTS.
-- CARL AT SOUTHWEST BANK TALKING TO NORMAN.
NORMAN
-- historical figure --
CARL
No can do.
THE CLOCK FLIPPING TO 5:00.
-- CARL AT HOME EATING FROZEN MEATLOAF AND WATCHING Project
Runway.
-- CARL'S HEAD HITTING HIS BED.
-- CARL WAKING UP.
-- CARL SHAKING HIS HEAD `NO.'
-- THE CLOCK FLIPPING TO 5:00.
-- CARL'S HEAD HITTING THE BED.
-- THE ALARM GOING OFF.
It's now just a blur of images of Carl at Southwest Bank,
shaking his head `no', eating Lean Cuisine and watching
reality television.
INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM - NIGHT
Carl's lying on his bed. The phone is ringing. He gets up
and answers.
CARL
Hello?
PETER (V.O.)
(on the phone)
Carl. It's Peter. Where are you?
CARL
I'm in bed. Why? What happened?
Did someone die?
10.
PETER (V.O.)
(on the phone)
No. It's just -- we're at Rudy's.
Celebrating New Year's.
Carl looks at the alarm. It's 11:15 PM.
CARL
It's already 11:15. I don't think
I can make it.
PETER
Oh, c'mon, Carl. No one's seen you
for like forever. Please swing by?
CARL
No.
TITLES UP: THE YES MAN
CARL (cont'd)
Tell everyone Happy New Year.
Carl lies down and hangs up the phone.
CUT TO LATER
Carl watches his alarm clock FLIP TO 12:00AM. He closes his
eyes and goes to sleep.
EXT. SOUTHWEST BANK
Carl's eating lunch at a picnic table outside. Several bank
employees smoke cigarettes near him. An oddly hyper guy
named ALEX approaches Carl.
ALEX
Carl Kendall?
CARL
Alex Eberts? What's up, buddy?
Alex hugs Carl.
ALEX
Too much! How've you been? I
can't believe you're still working
here.
CARL
Where've you been? Norman's been
heartbroken since you quit.
11.
ALEX
Where've I been? You mean, where
haven't I been? This year. Dude.
I have lived. I climbed Mt.
Kilmanjaro. I ate bat in Laos. I
shot a cow with a bazooka. I'm not
proud of that last one but I did
it. How's the bank?
CARL
Same old same old.
ALEX
See? That's the problem. That's
everyone's problem. You've got one
life. Why waste it on the same old
same old?
Alex hands Carl a pamphlet for a "Just Say Yes" seminar.
ALEX (cont'd)
I know this will sound queer, but
you have to hit this seminar. It
changed my life. It will change
yours. Unless you like the bank.
CARL
You kidding? Every day it's
impossible not to throw rocks at
the place.
(JOKING)
Since you don't work here anymore,
you want to throw a couple?
ALEX
Yes.
Alex starts WHIPPING rocks at the bank.
CARL
What're you doing! Stop that! I
was kidding!
Norman comes out.
NORMAN
What do you think you're doing?
(recognizing Alex)
Alex Eberts! Is this an alumnae
prank? I love pranks!
ALEX
Hey, Norman!
12.
Alex continues throwing rocks at the bank.
NORMAN
(into a walkie-talkie)
We have a situation.
A couple portly security guards come out and wrestle Alex to
the ground. He manages to escape and run from the bank.
ALEX
Go to the seminar, Carl! You won't
be sorry!
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl walks into his apartment. He hits PLAY on his answering
machine.
PETER (V.O.)
(over the answering
MACHINE)
Carl, it's Peter. I know you don't
do things anymore, but it'd mean a
lot if you'd come by Rudy's
tonight. Lucy and I are
celebrating our engagement.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - LATER
Carl's watching Hell's Kitchen and eating a frozen pizza.
There's a knock on the door. The "Just Say Yes" pamphlet
balled up on his desk. He's using it as a napkin. Carl
PAUSES the television show. He stands up and opens the door.
Peter STUMBLES IN.
CARL
What are you doing here?
PETER
This is an intervention. You've
missed your last event.
CARL
What're you talking about?
PETER
Our engagement party.
CARL
I'm sorry. I'm just really busy.
13.
PETER
You're watching Hell's Kitchen.
That's not even B-list reality TV.
CARL
So I don't want to go out tonight.
Maybe I have to wake up early
tomorrow. You don't know.
PETER
It's bigger than that. You and
Kath broke up over a year ago and
you still aren't dating anyone.
CARL
What? So? I'm like a sexual
camel. I only need it once every
couple years.
PETER
I don't mean to be harsh but
everyone's moving forward. It's
like you're still wearing a Timex
while the rest of us each have
entry level Rolexes.
CARL
You wear a Rolex?
PETER
Thanks for noticing. It's an
Oyster Perpetual Yachtmaster.
Sapphire crystal, self-winding.
Four Gs. But that's not the point
I'm trying to make.
CARL
So I don't have an oyster watch.
All you and Lucy and Kath do is sit
around and talk about real estate
and Crate and Barrel.
PETER
What's wrong with Crate and Barrel?
They have adorable stuff at
reasonable prices.
CARL
Forget Crate and Barrel. Maybe I'm
just getting more mature. I don't
need the lifestyle ever night.
14.
PETER
Lifestyle? You have to have a life
to have a style of life. You never
leave your apartment. You never
meet anyone new.
CARL
I hate meeting people.
PETER
You've become a complete cave
dweller.
CARL
I am not a cave dweller. Just the
other day, we all went to
Summerfest and snuck backstage and
you bet me I wouldn't steal
something and so I stole a
drumstick from that horrible
Swedish hillbilly band. That's not
very cave dweller of me.
PETER
Just the other day? That was seven
years ago.
CARL
But that's not possible -- I was
already working at the bank by
then.
PETER
You had started there three years
earlier. Why you've worked at that
place for so long is beyond me.
You had so much potential. You
shouldn't be a teller. You should
be the guy who tells the guy who
tells the teller what to do.
CARL
(SHOCKED)
I've been a teller at Southwest
Bank for ten years? How the hell
did that happen?
(doing the math)
Ten years... if I had had a child,
he'd be toilet-trained by now.
PETER
Actually, he'd be in fourth grade.
15.
CARL
(starting to panic)
I was making out with chicks by
fourth grade. I was a little man
by fourth grade.
(THEN)
Whatever. I don't need this shit
right now. I'm an adult man. I
can live my life as I see fit. Can
you please leave?
Carl pushes Peter out the door. Carl sits down on the couch.
He then unballs the "Just Say Yes" pamphlet. It features an
Indian man smiling beatifically.
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. HOLIDAY INN CONFERENCE ROOM
A banner across a stage that has a photo of the same Indian
man smiling beatifically. We PAN DOWN to find Carl among the
crowd. Carl sits down next to a WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN.
WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
Is this your first time at one of
Sanji's lectures?
CARL
(SCOFFING)
Uh, yeah.
(THEN)
Have you been to this before?
WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
Only like fifty-eight times.
Sanji's a genius. Like
seriously... he will blow your mind
all over the goddamn room. He's
like a mind grenade.
CARL
I don't know if I want that.
WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
Oh you do not. But you need it.
And that's why you are here.
CARL
Cool. Do you want anything from
the refreshment area?
16.
WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
You kidding? That processed shit
will kill you faster than a
pleasure cruise to Chernobyl.
Carl heads over to the refreshment table. Once he's out of
her sight, he sits down alone in a corner of the conference
room. Ethereal music begins to play over the loudspeakers.
People begin to sit. Carl sits down in the back.
SANJI (V.O.)
Life. We are all living it.
Carl laughs. No one else does. The lights get rosier.
SANJI (V.O.) (cont'd)
Or are we? Change doesn't start on
the surface. It's generated from
consciousness. But where is
consciousness generated from?
Carl looks around. Everyone is nodding along with it.
SANJI (cont'd)
From the external. And the
external is manipulated through our
choices. And our choices start
with one word.
The music ABRUPTLY SWITCHES to the opening beats of "Jump" by
the Pointer Sisters. The rosy colored lights FLIP TO BRIGHT
WHITE and SWEEP ACROSS THE CONVENTION CENTER ROOM. It is
suddenly like a rock concert. SANJI (50s) BUSTS THROUGH THE
GIANT BANNER. The whole crowd starts CHEERING.
SANJI (cont'd)
Yes!
Instead of "Jump", Sanji's yelling "Yes!"
SANJI (cont'd)
Say yes! For your life! Yes!
Change starts now! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Say it with me! SAY YES!
Sanji pumps his fist in the air as lame indoor fireworks GO
OFF. The crowd JUMPS ON THEIR FEET.
SANJI (cont'd)
Are you ready to open the door to
yes?
17.
CROWD
Yes!
SANJI
I am sorry, my friends. But I
cannot hear you?
CROWD
Yes!
SANJI
Shhhhhhh.
The crowd quiets.
SANJI (cont'd)
Now is the time when we must greet
our new members. Who here is new?
Please, do not be shy.
WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
He is!
The woman POINTS AT Carl. The spotlight SWINGS OVER to Carl.
He is annoyed.
SANJI
Come on up, Future Yes Man!
CARL
That's OK. I'm just auditing.
SANJI
You can't audit life! Now get on
up here!
CARL
I'm cool right here.
SANJI
Then I will come to you!
Sanji runs off the stage and joins Carl in the back of the
conference hall. The spotlights follow him.
SANJI (cont'd)
What is your name?
CARL
Carl.
18.
SANJI
Let me guess, Carl. This was not
your idea to come here, Carl.
CARL
I wouldn't say that.
SANJI
You can tell me, Carl. We are all
alone, Carl.
The crowd laughs.
CARL
It wasn't exactly my idea.
SANJI
That's what I thought, Carl. And
you think this is all bullshit,
Carl, isn't that right, Carl?
CARL
Honestly?
SANJI
Is there any other way?
CARL
This whole thing seems retarded.
SANJI
But you are stuck in your life,
Carl? Am I right?
CARL
I wouldn't necessarily --
SANJI
You once had a dream? You wanted
to own a boat? A house? A fancy
car? You wanted to a doctor, a
lawyer... a business man?
Carl nods, surprised at Sanji's incisiveness.
SANJI (cont'd)
You wanted to be more than you are.
And yet you have suddenly woken up
to find life is passing you by. Am
I right, Carl?
19.
Sanji's suddenly getting to Carl. As Sanji talks to him, the
moment between them becomes more and more intimate. It
should feel like the rest of the crowd has disappeared.
CARL
A little.
SANJI
It's odd that ten years can pass
just like that.
Sanji snaps.
SANJI (cont'd)
Isn't it, Carl?
CARL
It is.
SANJI
I want you to do something for me,
Carl. Tomorrow, I want you only to
say yes. Can you do that for me?
For one day, Carl?
CARL
I'm not sure --
SANJI
Please, Carl. Do it for me and you
will be doing it for yourself. If
you don't have the best day in ten
years then I am the uncle of a
monkey. Will you do it for me
Carl? Just for a day?
CARL
Yes?
Sanji grabs Carl hand and PULLS HIM to his feet. We PULL
BACK and the crowd CHEERS.
SANJI
Welcome to the world of yes!
Fireworks and confetti go off. The Wiry, Anxious Woman Gives
Carl a creepy thumbs up.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Carl's asleep. The phone starts ringing. Carl sleepily
grabs the phone.
20.
CARL
Yello.
PETER (V.O.)
(on the phone)
Carl, it's Peter. I just wanted to
apologize about barging in
yesterday. You were right. It's
your life to live.
CARL
Don't worry about it.
PETER (V.O.)
(on the phone)
Me, Lucy and Kath are all going out
for brunch. You have any interest
in joining?
CARL
Oh, thanks for the invite, but...
FLASH OF SANJI LOOMING LARGE IN CARL'S EYES.
SANJI
Will you do it for me Carl? Just
for a day?
BACK TO CARL AND PETER. We CLOSE IN ON CARL'S MOUTH.
CARL
(in slo-mo)
Yes.
PETER
Excuse me?
CARL
(clearly not wanting to)
Yes. I will come to brunch.
EXT. STACKERS - MORNING
Stackers is a cutesie brunch place. Carl walks up to Peter,
Lucy and Kath.
KATH
(AWKWARD)
Morning, Carl. This is a surprise.
CARL
Why?
21.
KATH
Because I've never seen you at
brunch. Like ever.
CARL
You kidding? I love brunch.
INT. STACKERS - LATER
Carl, Peter, Lucy and Kath are still waiting with a big crowd
of people to sit down for brunch.
CARL
Why do people wait an hour for
breakfast? It's so hot and bright
and we haven't even had coffee yet.
PETER
If you don't want to be here, you
don't have to be.
CARL
Of course I want to be here. I
love waiting an hour for eggs.
It's fun. Although I will point
out that you have sunglasses which
is probably making this wait a lot
easier.
PETER
Oakleys, polarized lenses,
indestructible. Two fifty but
worth every penny.
The Waitress comes up.
WAITRESS
Lowell, party of five.
A group of four people get up to be seated.
CARL
We were definitely before those
Lowell people.
KATH
I hate when people jump ahead.
CARL
Why does no one ever say anything?
22.
PETER
If you want to be sitting so bad,
why don't you say something?
CARL
Yes. I will.
Carl walks up to the Waitress.
CARL (cont'd)
Excuse me, but we were here before
those people.
WAITRESS
No you weren't.
CARL
Yes, we were.
WAITRESS
I have the list, dude. The list
doesn't lie.
Meanwhile, the customers the Waitress was going to seat are
looking away, trying not to get involved.
CARL
Well, this time the list lied.
LUCY
It's OK, Carl. It's just brunch.
CARL
(to the people who are
being seated)
You all know that we were up before
you! And you have to live with
that knowledge through your
delightful brunch!
Peter pulls Carl away from the Waitress.
PETER
What's going on with you?
CARL
I just want transparency in terms
of the brunch seating order.
One of the customers who was being seated heads over.
23.
KATH
Great. Now we're going to get into
a fight.
BRUNCH DUDE
We talked about what you said...
you're right. You guys were here
before us. Sorry we didn't pipe up
sooner. We cool, brother?
CARL
(SURPRISED)
Yeah. We cool.
Carl and the Brunch Dude punch fists and hug.
INT. STACKERS - LATER
Carl and his friends are sitting at a table. Carl's slightly
bored as his friends discuss real estate.
LUCY
It's a two bedroom duplex with
harbor views. It'd be perfect for
you Kath.
KATH
Washer/Dryer in the building?
CARL
(JEALOUS)
I didn't realize you were looking
to buy a place. I thought you and I
would be renters to the end.
PETER
She's a fancy lawyer making bank.
It's about time she was buying.
KATH
(PLAYFUL)
Shut up.
The Brunch Dude is seated near Carl. He gives him a thumbs
up. Carl gives a thumbs up right back.
PETER
(re: the menus)
What're you looking at?
CARL
Bacon and eggs.
24.
KATH
How unadventurous.
CARL
I don't want an adventure first
thing in the morning.
The Waitress comes over.
WAITRESS
I just want to tell you about my
specials. We have a double fruit
burnt sugar waffle. Any of you
interested in that?
Beat.
CARL
Yes.
WAITRESS
Alrighty. Then, on the savory
side, we have a smoked whitefish
omelet with hash browns on the
side. Any takers?
Beat.
CARL
Yes.
WAITRESS
(SURPRISED)
You want both?
CARL
Yes.
The Waitress writes that down.
WAITRESS
Would you like toast with that?
CARL
Yes.
WAITRESS
Any side? Bacon.
CARL
Yes.
25.
WAITRESS
Sausage.
CARL
Yes.
WAITRESS
Turkey sausage?
CARL
Yes.
WAITRESS
A side of our famous maple pancakes
--
CARL
Yes.
WAITRESS
Wow. Someone's really hungry.
CARL
Yes.
WAITRESS
Coffee or juice?
CARL
Coffee. And juice.
WAITRESS
We also have smoothies?
CARL
Yes.
Carl's friends look at him like a freak.
WAITRESS
Is that all?
CARL
(RELIEVED)
Yes.
WAITRESS
(turning towards his
FRIENDS)
What would you all like to order?
His friends are all looking at Carl.
26.
INT. STACKERS
Carl has six dishes in front of him. The Waitress comes over
with a pepper mill.
WAITRESS
Would you like some pepper?
CARL
Yes.
The Waitress starts grinding pepper onto Carl's meal. It's
starting to take a long time. She's grinding and grinding
and grinding.
WAITRESS
Would you like more?
CARL
Yes.
She keeps grinding. A pile of pepper's growing on his food.
INT. STACKERS - LATER
All of Carl's food is covered piles of pepper.
PETER
I don't think I've ever seen a
waiter tap one of those pepper
mills.
CARL
I'm just addicted to the stuff.
Chinese cultures say it's good for
digestion.
(THEN)
You're all welcome to have some.
LUCY
That's... OK. Do you want a bite
of mine?
CARL
(BEGRUDGINGLY)
Yes.
Carl takes a bite of Lucy's. He then sips his coffee.
27.
CARL (cont'd)
Uch. Brunch coffee. Why can't
they make it black without all this
frothy shit?
PETER
Because you ordered a latte.
Carl's phone rings. He answers it.
NORMAN (O.S.)
Hey, Carl. We're a little short on
our Saturday staff. I know this is
going against ten years of
precedent, but you have any
interest in coming in today?
CARL
I don't think... there's any reason
why I shouldn't? On a Saturday
there's nothing I like more than
the inside of a bank.
NORMAN (O.S.)
There really is something magical
about this place.
INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
Would you like an Italian-inspired
coffee flavoring?
Beat.
CARL
Yes.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
Sugar, Splenda or Nutrasweet?
CARL
All of them please.
The confused Dunkin Donuts cashier loads up Carl's coffee.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
We're having a special on
Munchkins?
28.
EXT. STREET
Carl walks out of Dunkin Donuts, carrying a giant coffee and
several boxes of Munchkins. He walks by Renee, the cute girl
who hands out band fliers.
RENEE
Want a flier? Oh, it's you. Never
mind.
CARL
Of course I'll take a flier.
Carl takes a flier. Renee's surprised Carl's taking a flier.
CARL (cont'd)
(READING)
The Flying Buttresses.
RENEE
I knew after a year and a half of
wearing you down, you'd give in.
I'm Renee by the way.
Renee holds out her hand.
CARL
Carl.
RENEE
Carl. Cool. I like to thank
everyone personally who comes to
our performances. It gives it a
nice intimate touch. See you soon
Carl.
Carl turns away, nervous that he's accepted her invitation.
He takes a sip of his giant coffee and grimaces.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
Carl STUMBLES INTO work, hyper from the giant coffee.
NORMAN
Morning, Carl. Thanks for coming
in and being part of the Saturday
banking experience. Oooh,
Munchkins. Are those for the
office, you dirty devil?
29.
CARL
Yeah. I just though it would be a
fun way to lighten things up.
NORMAN
(deadly serious)
You didn't approve this with petty
cash.
CARL
I spent my own money on them...
NORMAN
Kidding! Munchkins are always
approved. Although, I can't
reimburse you.
(over the intercom)
Today is free Munchkin day. That's
right! Free Munchkin day!
Instantly Carl's cubicle is surrounded by fellow workers.
BANK EMPLOYEES
Carl rules./You're the
best./Finally I have a reason to
live today.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK LOUNGE
Carl's greeting. A MIDDLE-AGED MOTHERLY CUSTOMER comes in.
CARL
How may I help you?
BANK CUSTOMER
I need to speak to a loan
specialist.
Beat.
CARL
While loans aren't normally in my
jurisdiction, I'd be happy to help
you.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
Carl's trying to keep up as the customer launches into
intense finance-speak.
30.
BANK CUSTOMER
I want to refi my house and spend
the capital on my personal
business. I see you've got a 5.25
7 year ARM, but over at Chase
they're offering 5.00 7 year ARM.
Can you refi lower, like at 4.85
par example, or am I going to have
to bring my beeswax elsewhere?
CARL
Yes.
BANK CUSTOMER
Yes? That's it?
CARL
Yup. What's your business?
BANK CUSTOMER
Selling beanie babies online.
CARL
Adorable.
BANK CUSTOMER
More like highly profitable. I've
crunched the numbers.
The woman hands over a scrapbook that's been decorated with
construction paper and pictures of beanie babies. Carl opens
the scrapbook. It's filled with numbers.
CARL
Let me just get final approval on
this.
Carl gets up and walks over to Norman.
ANGLE ON NORMAN'S OFFICE
Carl stands before Norman.
NORMAN
You're a teller, not a loan
specialist.
CARL
No, I know, so if you think this is
a bad idea for a loan that's fine
but can you please tell her
yourself?
31.
NORMAN
What's this?
CARL
Her business plan.
Norman grabs the business plan and starts reading it.
NORMAN
Inta-maresting. My grandma loves
beanie babies. Although
unfortunately, we have a minimum
loan floor of ten thousand dollars.
She only wants five.
CARL
That's silly. How're you supposed
to start a tiny business if you
can't get a tiny business loan?
NORMAN
I don't make the rules, I just
break `em.
(THEN)
I don't break them. I just wanted
to rhyme. If she wants us to loan
her ten thousand or more, great.
Otherwise, I think her only option
is a loan shark.
ANGLE ON LOAN DESK
Carl sits back down.
BANK CUSTOMER
(NERVOUS)
So, what'd he say?
CARL
Do you maybe have any interest in
borrowing ten thousand?
BANK CUSTOMER
I can't afford the payments on ten.
You can't do five thousand? This
is the fifth bank I've been to.
Please?
CARL
Of course we can. One moment
please.
32.
Carl gets up. He heads over to the soda machine and buys a
Diet Coke. He then heads over to Norman's desk.
CARL (cont'd)
Diet Coke?
NORMAN
Oooh, thank you. Feed the
addiction, am I right?
They clink Diet Cokes. Norman DOWNS his entire Diet Coke in
one swallow. Carl then heads over to the photocopier. He
watches Norman out of the corner of his eye. After a couple
minutes, Norman gets up and HEADS INTO THE BATHROOM. Carl
heads back over to Norman's desk and SWIPES THE LOAN APPROVAL
STAMP.
ANGLE ON THE LOAN DESK
Carl returns to the loan desk and STAMPS HER FORM.
CARL
It's approved.
The Bank Customer HUGS Carl.
BANK CUSTOMER
Thank you so much! I promise I
won't let you down, Mr. Kendall.
On me.
The Bank Customer hands Carl a panda beanie baby.
CARL
Thanks, Marge. We don't like to
make other customers jealous so can
we keep this between you and I?
BANK CUSTOMER
Of course. Aren't you just a dear?
The Bank Customer leaves. Carl can't help but be touched.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
Carl's at the loan desk. Norman comes over, looking grave.
NORMAN
Carl, could I see you for a moment?
Carl nervously walks into his office.
33.
INT. NORMAN'S OFFICE
Carl nervously sits before Norman.
NORMAN
Earlier today, you showed some
initiative. And I loved it. What
do you say to a permanent spot at
the loan desk?
CARL
That seems like a lot of
responsibility.
NORMAN
We need a loan specialist a lot
more than we need a teller and
greeter. Besides, you'd have a
starting salary of 52.
CARL
Grand?
NORMAN
No, dollars. What is this Darfur?
(waving to an African-
American employee)
Sorry, Patricia, that was
inappropriate.
(then, back to Carl)
Of course grand. To celebrate,
next Saturday, I'm throwing a
party. Dress up as your favorite
character from Heroes.
(WHISPERING)
Save the cheerleader, save the
world.
CARL
Next Saturday... sounds great.
NORMAN
Don't dress as Hiro. I got dibs.
CARL
Wouldn't think of it.
Carl heads back to the loan desk, happy about his promotion.
34.
INT. RUDY'S
Carl walks in the door. Peter, Lucy and Rooney, who's
clearly been there for a little while, comes up to him.
ROONEY
Carl Kendall? Out in the world?
Are you some kind of ghost? Am I
having a religious vision?
CARL
Believe it. Because this guy just
got a promotion.
LUCY
Congrats, Carl!
ROONEY
Well let's get you a beer. You
want a 20 ouncer? I'm just joking -
-
CARL
Yes.
Rooney looks at Peter and Lucy.
PETER
A normal-sized beer is fine with
me.
LUCY
I think I'm done actually.
ROONEY
Two twenty ouncers and one tiny,
little beer, barkeep.
BARTENDER
Please don't call me that. We're
not in the middle ages.
ROONEY
(to Carl)
I can't believe you're out here.
I'm giddy. I feel like a child
whose best friend has strict
Chinese parents who never let him
come out and play but now his
Chinese parents are away for the
Chinese New Year. You have any
interest in pounding this shit?
35.
CARL
Why not?
Rooney picks up his beer and begins pounding the twenty
ouncer. Carl reluctantly pounds it as well. Rooney slams
his on the table. Carl puts it on the table.
ROONEY
What do you say we have another?
CARL
Yes.
ROONEY
You are a beast!
LUCY
Well, it's been fun watching you
guys recreate freshman year, but
Peter and I have some furniture
errands to run.
Carl's a little drunk now.
CARL
Have a good day yuppifying your
lives.
PETER
We need a sofa, Carl. We're not
buying a second home.
ROONEY
Whatever, yuppy sellouts.
LUCY
It was good seeing you. You should
come out more often.
CARL
(kind of pleading)
Please don't leave me here with
him.
Peter and Lucy laugh, not realizing that Carl is serious.
They leave.
INT. RUDY'S - NIGHT
Carl and Rooney are really drunk.
36.
CARL
I have not been this drunk in
years! The room is spinning in a
bad way!
ROONEY
Barkeep! Two more double pints
s'il vous plait!
BARTENDER
That was the last `barkeep.' I am
cutting you off.
ROONEY
Well fortunately you're not the
only game in town! Let's go to
some place with class.
INT. SENOR FROG'S - NIGHT
Rooney and Carl are in a Senor Frogs.
CARL
Where's the class?
ROONEY
They wear uniforms here.
A SENOR FROG'S WAITRESS comes over.
SENOR FROG'S WAITRESS
Jello shot?
CARL
Yes.
Carl and Rooney do jello shots.
QUICK CUTS:
-- Carl and Rooney downing more jello shots.
-- Carl and Rooney drinking beers.
-- Carl and Rooney are drunkenly staring at a nearby group of
girls.
CARL (cont'd)
That girl is hot. Or at least she
seems hot. I'm kind of too drunk
to tell. Right now, honestly, you
seem hot.
37.
ROONEY
I am hot.
SENOR FROG'S WAITRESS
Another jello shot?
CARL ROONEY
Yes. I think I'm done.
Carl downs the jello shot. He stumbles a little.
SENOR FROG'S DJ
Senor Frog's famous karoake contest
is starting now! Sign up and sweep
us off our feet!
ROONEY
You gotta do karoake.
Carl STUMBLES over to the Senor Frog's DJ. He's losing
control and he likes it.
CARL
Sign me up, bitch.
SENOR FROG'S DJ
We've got our first victim... I
mean, singer.
MUSIC CUE: The opening notes of White Town's "Your Woman"
Carl grabs the microphone and heads out into the crowd.
(NOTE TO READER: As you read this part, I recommend listening
to White Town's "Your Woman." It will bring it to life in a
way that words on a page cannot do it justice.)
CARL
(singing/talking with an
odd English accent)
Just tell me what you've got to say
to me, I've been waiting for so
long to hear the truth, It comes as
no surprise at all you see, So cut
the crap and tell me that we're
through. Now I know your heart, I
know your mind, You don't even know
you're being unkind, So much for
all your highbrow Marxist ways,
Just use me up and then you walk
away, Boy you can't play me that
way.
38.
Carl heads over to the HOT GIRL and begins SERENADING HER.
She thinks it's kind of funny.
CARL (cont'd)
Well I guess what you say is true,
I could never be the right kind of
girl for you, I could never be your
woman.
Carl gets really close to the Hot Girl's face and then COYLY
pulls away for the bridge of the song. During the awesome
bridge, Carl does some fantastic dance moves. Or rather,
moves that you think are fantastic when you're drunk out of
your mind. The Hot Girl laughs at his antics.
CARL (cont'd)
Well I guess what they say is true,
I could never spend my life with a
man like you, I could never be your
woman. I could never be your
woman. I could never be your
woman.
Carl lands on one knee in front of the Hot Girl. The crowd
CHEERS FOR HIM. The Hot Girl's LARGE BOYFRIEND gets up close
to Carl. Everyone is very, very drunk.
BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
Were you just flirting with my
girlfriend?
CARL
(re: the Hot Girl)
It depends -- is that your
girlfriend?
BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
Yes.
CARL
Then yes.
HOT GIRL
Hey, c'mon. Be cool. He was just
screwing around.
BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
Let me handle this, Crystal.
(to Carl)
So, you want to have sex with my
girlfriend?
39.
CARL
Yes, I do. Very much.
BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
Are you starting a fight?
ROONEY
C'mon, Carl, let's go --
CARL
Yes, I am.
BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
Then bring it.
CARL
I will.
Beat. Carl doesn't really know what to do so he slaps him
across the face the way a woman would slap a man.
BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
What was that?
CARL
Me bringing it.
The Brutish Boyfriend PUNCHES Carl in the head.
CARL (cont'd)
I'm too drunk to feel! I'm like
Darkman!
Carl HEADBUTTS the guy. They get into a dirty, drunken
tussle. Both of them are trying to hit the other one in the
groin region. Bouncers DESCEND ON THEM and PULL THEM APART.
EXT. SENOR FROG'S
Carl and Rooney are outside. Carl's nursing his wounds.
They are very, very drunk.
ROONEY
You popped that guy! He didn't
know what hit him.
CARL
You do not cross Carl Kendall.
The Hot Girl STUMBLES out of Senor Frog's.
40.
HOT GIRL
Hey. I'm sorry about Domingo. He
likes to think he's my boyfriend
but he's not. You're cute.
The Hot Girl KISSES Carl.
HOT GIRL (cont'd) (CONT'D)
Want to go some place private?
CARL
Yes.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Light is streaming in through the window. Carl opens his
eyes. He's in bad shape. He looks over to see the Hot Girl
finishing getting dressed.
HOT GIRL
My fiance called. He was like
really sorry about last night. I
have to go.
CARL
Your fiance?
HOT GIRL
Domingo. The guy who punched you
in the face.
CARL
I thought you said you two weren't
even dating?
HOT GIRL
We were broken up last night. It
was fun hanging out.
The Hot Girl kisses Carl on the forehead.
HOT GIRL (cont'd)
I made some coffee. It's in the
kitchen. Sorry for leading you on.
The Hot Girl LEAVES. Carl smiles. That was awesome.
INT. HOLIDAY INN CONFERENCE ROOM
Carl runs to the conference room. The Just Say Yes seminar
has been packed up.
41.
INT. HOLIDAY INN LOBBY
Carl walks up to the counter.
CARL
Hi... is there a Sanji Gupta
staying here?
RECEPTIONIST
Room 125.
INT. HOLIDAY INN HALLWAY
Carl walks down the hallway. He knocks on Room 125. After a
couple minutes of shuffling around, Sanji opens the door.
CARL
I'm Carl. The guy from yesterday.
SANJI
Of course, of course! Please come
in!
Carl comes into Sanji's hotel room.
SANJI (cont'd)
Would you like a cup of coffee?
CARL
No thanks. I just wanted to thank
you for that inspiration.
SANJI
Fantastic. So how do you plan on
continuing with your journey?
CARL
You know, just living every day to
it's fullest. And, like, learning
to continue to experience life or
whatever.
SANJI
Outstanding, Carl. Except for one
THING:
(suddenly intense)
You are completely bullshitting me!
42.
CARL
I just said I'm going to keep
experiencing life. I thought you'd
be happy.
SANJI
You're like a cigarette addict,
Carl. Except you're addicted to
boredom. On the way in here, Carl,
I offered you a coffee and you
refused. Perhaps that would have
been the most delicious cup of
coffee you would have ever had.
Who's to say? Not you, Carl,
because you said no! Anyone can
quit smoking for a day. But for a
lifetime? No.
CARL
So what should I do?
Sanji PULLS OUT a contract.
SANJI
Behold, Carl, -- the Maniyesto.
Carl takes the Maniyesto.
CARL
(reading the document)
1) Until New Year's Eve, I must say
yes. 2) The yes cannot distort the
truth.
SANJI
(EXPLAINING)
You cannot say "Yes, the world is
flat" because that is an untruth.
CARL
(reading the document)
3) If someone discovers you are a
yes man, you do not have to say yes
to them. 4) To avoid yes, you
cannot avoid contact. Therefore,
you must always answer your phone,
the door, your postal mail, your
email, etc and so on and so forth.
5) You must choose a yesponsor to
keep you on the straight and
narrow.
(to Sanji)
Who should that be?
43.
SANJI
A close friend who will not tell a
soul.
CARL
(reading the document)
5) I hereby void the "do you want"
loophole.
(to Sanji)
What is that?
SANJI
If someone asks you "do you want to
go to the art museum" and you do
not want to, you may not use this
lack of desire as an excuse to not
go. And finally, a warning.
(SPOOKILY)
If you say `no', even once, even
for a cup of coffee, be prepared to
lose every single little thing
you've gained.
(THEN)
So what do you say, Carl?
(WHISPERING)
What do you say?
CARL
I say... yes.
Carl signs the Maniyesto.
SANJI
And here.
Carl signs again.
SANJI (cont'd)
And here.
Carl signs again.
SANJI (cont'd)
And initial here. And here.
CARL
Is this like a legal document?
SANJI
Kind of. And finally, my friend,
please hold out your hand.
44.
Carl holds out his hand. Sanji PULLS OUT an iron brand
that's been heating over a hot pot and BRANDS CARL'S PALM.
CARL
AHHHHHHHH!
SANJI
That should heal by New Year's.
Until then, you are a Yes Man.
Carl looks at his palm. In the center of the palm, Sanji's
branded a `YES.'
INT. RUDY'S
Carl is sitting across from Peter.
PETER
For a whole year?
CARL
Yesterday I got promoted and beat
up and hooked up with this chick
and I have a massive headache today
and I still might throw up, but I
don't care because it was the best
time I've had in like forever. Not
to mention finding out that,
despite what you might think,
smoked whitefish in an omelette is
delicious, even if covered in a
thick layer of pepper.
PETER
But for a whole year?
CARL
You don't understand. I got
promoted. Do you know how long
I've been waiting for some kind of
financial step forward? I said
`yes' and it arrived.
PETER
Well, someone sounds like they're
yuppifying their life.
CARL
Excuse me for wanting an appliance
in my kitchen besides a hot pot.
45.
PETER
There's no way you can do this for
a whole year.
CARL
That's where you come in. You're
my "Yesponsor."
PETER
Yesponsor?
CARL
Like in AA. I need you to hold me
to it.
PETER
You aren't going to last for more
than a week.
CARL
I look forward to proving you
wrong.
Peter and Carl shake hands.
CARL (cont'd)
Nice suit. If I move up anymore at
the bank, I might need a few.
PETER
Cavalli. Silk and cotton blend.
Seven fifty.
Lucy comes over and kisses Peter.
LUCY
My girlfriends are being such
bitches. It's been two weeks and
no one's offered to throw me a
wedding shower.
PETER
That's too bad. I'm sure someone
will offer.
LUCY
(SARCASTIC)
Hey, you want to throw my wedding
shower?
Peter turns to Carl, smiling.
46.
CARL
(dreading it)
I'd be happy to.
LUCY
I was kidding. Wedding showers are
thrown by girls.
CARL
That's sexist. Please. I insist.
LUCY
Thanks. That means a lot to me.
Lucy hugs Carl. Carl looks over Lucy's shoulder at Peter and
shakes his head. Rooney comes over.
ROONEY
That was some good times last
night. You back for more?
CARL
Yes.
ROONEY
I've got no cash. You mind
spotting me and my buddies?
Rooney points to FOUR BARFLIES sitting at the bar.
PETER
Sorry, didn't bring my wallet.
Peter turns to Carl.
CARL
(BEGRUDGINGLY)
Yes.
Carl walks up to the bar. Peter's snickering behind him.
CARL (cont'd)
What kind of beer do you guys want?
ROONEY'S FRIENDS/ROONEY
As long as you're buying, I want a
Grey Goose straight up./Kir
Royale/Whatever's in that dusty
bottle back there that you never
take down.
47.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Carl wakes up. He looks at the tattooed "Yes" on his hand.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl goes through a series of junk mail flyers for credit
cards. He VERY CAREFULLY fills each one of them out.
INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts. Before the cashier can say
anything...
CARL
Black coffee, large.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
Would you like...
CARL
(cutting her off)
To have a wonderful day? I would.
Carl turns to see a giant poster with the words "DO YOU WANT
A MOCHA CARAMEL COOLATA?" Carl turns back to the cashier.
CARL (cont'd)
(RESIGNED)
And could I also have a Mocha
Caramel Coolata.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
With whipped cream?
EXT. STREET
Carl walks out of Dunkin Donuts, carrying a frozen coffee
drink and several boxes of Munchkins. He walks by Renee and
wordlessly takes a flier.
RENEE
Hey, give that back. You already
took one.
CARL
What's the hurt in taking another?
48.
RENEE
Destroys the Earth. Also, they
cost me ten cents a copy. Besides,
are you even going to come?
CARL
Of course. I couldn't say `no.'
As he walks away...
CARL (cont'd)
Even if I wanted to.
RENEE
See you tonight, Carl!
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
Carl sits at his cubicle, and flips on his email. In the
background, we see various SUPER HAPPY EMPLOYEES eating the
Dunkin Donuts that Carl has brought. We see on the screen
another email from the King of Nigeria.
CARL
Dear deposed King of Nigeria. I
would love to help you anyway I can
with your confidential transaction.
Please let me know what I can do.
Yours, Carl Kendall.
He checks the next email.
CARL (cont'd)
Would I like Viagra? Yes, I would.
Carl writes back to the Viagra. ANGLE ON THE SCREEN: The
next email is from PERSIANWIFEFINDER.COM.
CARL (cont'd) (CONT'D)
Do I want a Persian wife? Perhaps
I do.
Carl clicks onto the Persianwifefinder.com and starts
uploading his profile. Norman walks by.
CARL (cont'd)
Norman, would you say I prefer
Iranian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi or
no preference?
49.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
Carl's reading his email when a HIGH SCHOOL GIRL sits down.
HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
You Carl Kendall?
CARL
Yeah.
HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
I hear that you do small loans.
CARL
Where did you hear that?
HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
Marge. The lady my mom buys her
beanie babies from.
CARL
I told her not to say anything.
HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
I only need five hundred bucks.
I'm starting college next year and
I need it for books. I can't
afford them now but I can pay them
off over the course of the year.
Carl looks to make sure Norman's not around then he stamps
her form.
HIGH SCHOOL GIRL (cont'd)
Thank you so much, Mr. Kendall.
EXT. STREET
Carl walks down the street, taking fliers from anyone who
passes them out. We do QUICK CUTS of him with various people
as he walks down the street.
CARL
I might have some stuff to pawn./I
will definitely check out your gun
selection./I would like to learn
Korean.
BERLITZ FLIER GUY
If you're interested, intro to
Korean is starting right now.
50.
INT. BERLITZ CLASS - DAY
Carl's sitting in a Korean class with several businessmen.
CARL
(in Korean, with
SUBTITLES)
[Hello, my name is Carl. What is
your name?]
INT. THE NOTE BAR AND PERFORMANCE SPACE - NIGHT
Carl stands at the back of a basically empty dive bar,
nursing a beer. There's a makeshift stage at the front of
the bar. "The Flying Buttresses" are setting up their
equipment, including a giant clear plastic harp. Renee steps
up to the microphone.
RENEE
Hello Jake, Penelope, Carl and
Rodrigo. We are the Flying
Buttresses!
Their four audience members cheer. The drummer bangs his
sticks together and the band launches in. They are terrible.
Like really terrible. Renee sings in a high-pitched voice
that she probably thinks sounds like Tori Amos, but sounds
more like a dog whistle. If you've heard the singer, Joanna
Newsom, well that's who she's emulating.
RENEE (cont'd)
(SINGING)
Everyday, the unicorns they
play/Among lingonberry fields/They
silently bay/The king has no
crown/Just a vest of grass/The
queen loves the Jester/The Jester
has the last laugh.
(CHORUS)
You are my minotaur/With your
cloven hooves!/Half man, half
horse/You are all boy to me
Carl looks at the three other audience members. They are
nodding along. Also, one of them is dressed like a Court
Jester.
CUT TO LATER
Renee's whisper singing.
51.
RENEE (cont'd)
A witches cauldron/burns hot as
hell/As her crooked hand/Brews a
love spell.
CUT TO LATER
Renee's singing a power ballad.
RENEE (cont'd)
I! Am! A! Fairy!/I! Like! To
Fly!
The four people in the audience clap hard as she finishes.
Renee takes a huge bow and motions to her fellow band mates.
Carl, not knowing how to politely react to the horror show he
just witnessed, claps along. Renee gets off the stage and
walks over to the bar, right next to Carl.
BARTENDER
Nice, show Renee. One virgin mint
soda coming right up.
RENEE
I don't think I hit a high enough
octave in Fairy Dream Song.
CARL
I disagree. I think you hit some
pretty high octaves.
RENEE
But I can hit like way higher.
(as she speaks her voice
goes higher and higher)
Like check this out. I think this
tone might be more appropriate for
my water nymph song?
CARL
(speaking in a low voice)
I don't know -- I've known some
water nymphs with big balls.
(no reaction)
From the high level of
testosterone.
An awkward moment where Renee doesn't react and Carl thinks
he may have offended her. Suddenly she starts laughing
spazzily hard. Carl smiles.
52.
RENEE
I've got to write a song about
that. I could call it...
CARL
"Big Balled Water Nymph"? It's a
working title.
RENEE
I like it. I can work with that.
The drummer, a guy named LEEORE, shouts down to Renee from
the stage.
LEEORE
Um, excuse me, but we have to clear
the stage.
RENEE
I gotta clear.
(JOKING)
Unless of course, you want to help?
CARL
Sure. I love clearing stages.
Carl helps a surprised Renee clear the stage.
EXT. THE NOTE BAR AND GRILL
Carl has helped Renee fit the giant harp into the back of her
ancient Volvo.
RENEE
Well, thanks for coming, Carl. I
must bid good night.
CARL
So early? It's only 8:00?
RENEE
I lead a jogging, photo group for
people who want to both exercise
and practice photography.
CARL
You're a photographer too?
RENEE
Amateur, but yeah. I show every
Friday.
(MORE)
53.
RENEE (cont'd)
If you want to do some artistic
calisthenics join us tomorrow.
CARL
What time do you leave?
RENEE
Five. So we can see the sunrise.
CARL
Wow. I haven't seen the sunrise
maybe ever.
(RESIGNED)
I guess now I'll be doing that
tomorrow.
RENEE
Oh, it's beautiful. Makes great
photos. Nice meeting you, Carl.
Renee gets in her Volvo and drives off. Carl walks off.
FLIER GUY
You interested in learning Spanish?
Carl takes the flier from the Flier Guy.
EXT. STREET
Carl walks down the street, now holding a zillion fliers.
Carl gets a tap on the shoulder. REVEAL Kath standing there.
KATH (O.S.)
Thinking of learning a couple
foreign languages?
CARL
Hey, Kath. Would you like one?
I'm going to learn Swahili.
KATH
Maybe next week. There's someone
you should probably meet. Carl,
this is Seb.
A very tall, very blond, Nordic looking man approaches Carl.
CARL
Seb? What is that? Swedish?
SEB
Yes.
54.
Beat. Seb puts his hand on Kath's back. Carl notices this
and is not particularly happy.
SEB (cont'd)
I've heard a lot about you, Carl.
Seb's phone rings.
SEB (cont'd)
Sorry, sweetie. I've got to take
this.
Seb walks off and answers his cell.
CARL
You're on a date then?
KATH
Yeah. Met him at my firm.
CARL
He's very tall.
KATH
I guess so, yeah.
Seb returns.
CARL
Well, it was nice meeting you, Seb.
So I'll be going.
Carl starts to walk off.
SEB
Unless... you'd like to join us?
Carl stops in his tracks. He mouths the word "fuck." Carl
turns. Kath nods at Carl as in, "You don't have to join us."
SEB (cont'd)
It was good meeting you --
CARL
I'd love to. Join you guys.
KATH
What?
55.
INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT - LATER
Seb, Carl and Kath are sitting at dinner. It is incredibly
awkward. Kath and Seb are clearly incredibly pissed off.
CARL
So, how did you guys meet?
KATH
I told you. Through the firm.
A waiter arrives.
WAITER
Would you like to order some wine?
KATH/CARL/SEB
Yes.
CUT TO LATER -- Carl, Kath and Seb are now slightly drunk.
However, it is a quiet, angry drunk, not a fun-loving drunk.
They are still sitting in silence. Seb turns to Kath and
starts saying something quietly to her.
CARL
Oh, this is good.
(CHUCKLING)
I was walking past Pizza Hut the
other day, and for a second I was
sure the sign said "Pizza Hat."
And then I thought, wouldn't it be
funny if there was a shop that sold
hats shaped like pizzas?
(beat, weakly)
You know. Because it sounds like
"Pizza Hut" only it's a hat shop.
SEB
Look, Carl, why don't you just eat
your fish and fuck off?
Carl puts the rest of his meal in his mouth, gets up from the
table and walks out of the restaurant. As he leaves, he
smiles to himself. His phone rings. He sees it's Rooney on
the Caller ID.
CARL
Shit.
Carl answers the phone.
56.
ROONEY (O.S.)
What's up Carl? It's Rooney! What
do you say we grab a couple
brewskis?
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
Carl flips on his computer. He's trashed. He has a bunch of
emails. He clicks on the email.
NIGERIAN KING (V.O.)
Dear brother Carl, Thank you for
your last note you sent me. But we
must move quickly. I must have
your bank details right now. Send
them to me. Your Associate, Omar,
King of Nigeria
CARL
(while typing)
Dear Omar, While I appreciate the
gravity of your situation, perhaps
a goodwill branch is in order.
Could you perhaps loan me a million
and take it out of my final cut?
Then I will happily send you my
bank details. Sincerely, Carl.
Carl then flips on persianwifefinder.com. A PERSIAN CARTOON
GENIE comes onto the screen.
PERSIAN CARTOON GENIE
Sa'laam, Carl. You have sixty-five
winks. Allah Akbar.
The screen is suddenly filled with pictures of Persian women.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - PRE-DAWN
Carl's alarm goes off. Carl hits it and sits up. He grabs
his head and then runs to the bathroom and throws up.
EXT. PARK - PRE-DAWN
Renee, along with several other amateur photographers in
sweat suits, have gathered. They all have big cameras around
their necks. Carl walks up to them. He does not look good.
CARL
Good morning.
57.
RENEE
Wow. You look tired.
CARL
Well, it is five in the morning.
RENEE
Mammals are meant to be up at dawn.
It's how we're built biologically.
Where's your camera?
Carl realizes he forgot his camera.
CARL
I thought I'd use my phone.
Carl pulls out his camera cell phone.
RENEE
Awesome idea. So light.
CARL
That's what I thought.
RENEE
Let's hit it.
Renee, Carl and the group of amateur jogging photographers
start jogging. Carl can barely keep up with them.
RENEE (cont'd)
Oooh, pretty.
As she passes a flower, Renee snaps a photo of it.
EXT. LAKE - DAWN
The group reaches the lake as the sun rises. They all snap
photos. Carl finds himself snapping photos on his camera.
He accidentally snaps one of Renee with the sun behind her.
She looks pretty in the photo.
RENEE
Alright! Enough standing around!
Renee starts jogging again. Carl starts after her and then
abruptly doubles over and throws up on the ground. Renee and
the other jogging/photographers snap photos of him.
58.
INT. CAFE - MORNING
Carl sits across from an Iranian women.
IRANIAN WOMAN
It was delightful meeting you,
Carl.
CARL
As it was meeting you Farinoush.
IRANIAN WOMAN
Although I must say I was surprised
to discover that you are in no way
Persian. Nor are you six foot two.
You should change that on your
profile.
CARL
Will do. Should I call you?
IRANIAN WOMAN
Sorry, I want a tall guy.
The Iranian Woman leaves, passing Lucy.
LUCY
Who was that?
CARL
Farinoush Azzam. Great girl, but I
don't think we're right for each
other.
LUCY
How'd you meet?
CARL
PersianWifeFinder.com.
(ignoring her odd look)
Let's talk wedding shower.
LUCY
So, I know it's just a wedding
shower, so who cares really?
And it's like so lame? But I've
made an appointment at a stationery
store. Are you going to totally
kill me?
59.
CARL
(dripping with sarcasm)
You kidding? I love stationery.
Lucy gets up. Carl follows her. He does not look happy.
INT. STATIONERY STORE - LATER
Lucy and Carl are looking over a book of stationery with the
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS. Carl can't concentrate.
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
This one is nice. I especially
love it in cream.
LUCY
Ooooh, pretty. What do you think?
CARL
Looks good to me.
LUCY
(sarcastic annoyance)
Thanks for your opinion.
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
It's always difficult to get the
husband-to-be's opinion.
LUCY
(derisive laughter)
I'm not marrying him.
CARL
I'm just helping throw the shower.
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
Oh. What's the party going to be
like? Sometimes it helps to know
that before you pick an invitation.
LUCY
Nothing special. Just hors
d'oeuvres and wine.
Carl, meanwhile, is looking through the book of invitations.
CARL
Look at this -- Bridal Bingo.
What's Bridal Bingo?
60.
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
It's bingo, except you yell out
embarrassing facts about the bride
and whoever fills their card first
wins.
CARL
That sounds fun.
LUCY
I'm not doing Bridal Bingo.
CARL
How about a calendar shower?
LUCY
Can we concentrate at the task at
hand?
CARL
Do you even know what a calendar
shower is? Maybe a calendar shower
is awesome.
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
Every guest gets assigned a month
and brings a gift that the bride
and groom can use during that
month.
LUCY
That's kind of cute.
CARL
I think that's really cute.
Carl's starting to get really into it. He turns the page and
sees an invitation decorated with animals labeled "Knights in
White Armor."
CARL (cont'd)
Look at this one -- "Knights in
White Armor."
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
The bride and groom ride in on a
white stallion.
CARL
You have got to do that. Like it's
not even a choice.
61.
LUCY
That seems a little extreme.
CARL
You only get married once.
STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
Your friend happens to be right.
LUCY
You're really good at this. You
mind helping me with the wedding
invitations?
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
Carl's sitting across from an Arab Guy at the loan desk.
ARAB GUY
I love cell phones. I breathe cell
phones. I own, myself, thirty-five
cell phones. My brother is an
idiot and he's selling cell phones
hand over fist. What do you have?
A Nokia 9850?
The Arab Guy goes to grab Carl's phone. He sees the photo of
Renee on the phone's wallpaper.
ARAB GUY (cont'd)
Oooh, pretty lady.
Carl grabs his phone back.
CARL
How much do you need?
ARAB GUY
Eighty five hundred.
CARL
Done.
Carl stamps his form.
CUT TO A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SITTING WITH HER SILENT MOM:
TEN YEAR OLD GIRL
I was with my sister? And we had
this lemonade stand? And we sold
like a hundred cups of lemonade in
two days? And so I want to expand?
(MORE)
62.
TEN YEAR OLD GIRL (cont'd)
All I need is three thousand
dollars?
Carl stamps her form.
CUT TO A JITTERY GUY.
JITTERY GUY
Just give me the cash.
CARL
You promise you'll pay it back?
JITTERY GUY
Basically.
Carl stamps his form. Norman comes over.
NORMAN
May I speak to you, Carl?
INT. NORMAN'S OFFICE
Norman sits across from Carl.
NORMAN
I know what you're doing.
CARL
What am I doing?
NORMAN
You're loaning below our minimum.
Carl doesn't know what to say.
NORMAN (cont'd)
You thought I wouldn't notice the
paperwork? I'm not the regional
manager because I ignore the
details.
CARL
I'm sorry, but it's absurd that if
you need a small amount of money
you have to go to a loan shark.
Only rich people can pay back loans
over ten grand. A bank's job is
not to just help the rich. It's to
help anyone with a dream achieve
it.
63.
NORMAN
I know. These microloans are
pretty interesting. So I'll you
spearhead a little pilot program at
the bank.
CARL
Thank you so much.
NORMAN
If corporate finds out, you're the
one who's getting fired. So keep
it quiet.
Carl mimes zipping up his mouth and throwing away the key.
QUICK CUTS OF CARL STAMPING LOTS OF FORMS
Rooney sits down across from Carl.
CARL
What do you need a loan for?
ROONEY
I don't. I was wondering if you
were around tonight to help me
move?
CARL
Why don't you hire movers?
ROONEY
Because it's cheaper to ask you.
INT. ROONEY'S MOM'S HOUSE
Rooney and Carl are looking at a fridge.
ROONEY
Can you carry the fridge alone?
CARL
(SCARED)
Yes.
MOMENTS LATER Carl is carrying the fridge down the stairs.
He FALLS down the stairs with the fridge. Carl looks up at
Rooney who's at the top of the stairs.
ROONEY
You OK?
64.
CARL
Yes. Do you want to help at all?
ROONEY
I wish I could, but I hurt my back
trying to move that fridge.
EXT. ROONEY'S MOM'S HOUSE
Carl has put the last box into the moving van. Rooney and
his mom are hugging.
ROONEY'S MOM
I'm going to miss you, baby.
ROONEY
And I'm going to miss you, ma.
ROONEY'S MOM
I can't watch you go.
His mom goes into her house.
CARL
Where are you moving?
Rooney looks at Carl and smiles. Carl's eyes go wide.
MUSIC CUE: "JUMP" by the Pointer Sisters
YES MONTAGE
-- Carl's taking Korean.
CARL (cont'd)
(in Korean)
[What is the weather like in
Pyongyang?]
-- At Southwest Bank.
NORMAN
We need a volunteer to think up
local marketing ideas
Carl raises his hand.
CUT TO LATER
Carl has put up signs on the bank window that say "Pet-a-
Puppy" day. There's a box of puppies in the bank. Customers
are streaming into the bank to pet puppies.
65.
-- We see Carl's CALENDAR filling up.
-- A ton of different kinds of credit cards are POPPING
THROUGH HIS MAIL SLOT.
-- Carl's taking Spanish.
CARL
(in Spanish)
[I like to drive with my mother.]
The door to the language center opens.
-- Carl walks towards work. He sees the same group of flyer
guys and DUCKS DOWN an alleyway. We now see that to avoid
the flyer guys he uses a series of alleys and fire escapes,
crossing roofs, even jumping between two buildings so he can
avoid being approached.
-- At Southwest Bank.
NORMAN
We need someone to be a weekend
cashier.
Carl's hand shoots up.
-- Carl walks out of a movie with a woman who's in a head
scarf. He awkwardly hugs her. REVEAL that the movie they
watched is Saw III.
-- Carl's at THE NOTE singing along to Renee's band's songs.
He and the "Jester" audience member do shots together.
-- Carl's walking around a florist shop with Lucy. She
points to a small bouquet of white flowers. Carl points to a
giant heart-shaped ice sculpture.
-- We see Carl having to write in tiny letters on his
calendar because it's so full.
-- At Southwest Bank.
NORMAN (cont'd)
We need a volunteer --
Carl's hand shoots up.
NORMAN (cont'd)
-- to be in charge of day care.
-- CUT TO Carl with a bunch of kids. All the kids are
folding brand new dollar bills into paper airplanes
66.
-- CUT TO Carl walking down the street, a big smile on his
face, taking everyone's fliers as per usual. He walks past a
CULTY GUY named TONY who's passing out books.
TONY
Do you want to change your life
through Mahayana Buddhism?
Carl takes one of the books.
TONY (cont'd)
Would you like to have tea and
discuss?
CARL
I'm kind of in a rush...
TONY
My place is right around the
corner.
INT. TONY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Carl's sitting awkwardly on the floor across from Tony. They
are both drinking tea.
TONY
It is only through the four noble
truths and the destruction of
desire that we can end suffering.
CARL
Well, that's really neat.
(awkward beat)
So, thanks for the books and the
jasmine tea and the vegan curry,
but I have to go --
TONY
Do you like Dionne Warwick?
Tony flips on Dionne Warwick's "I Say a Little Prayer."
TONY (cont'd)
Now she had style.
CARL
It was really great meeting you --
TONY
C'mon, Carl. Shake your groove
thang.
67.
Tony pulls Carl up. Carl starts to awkwardly shake his
groove thing.
TONY (cont'd)
I like big guys.
CARL
I really have to go.
Tony grabs Carl and kisses him full on the lips.
TONY
Want to go into my bedroom?
CLOSE IN on Carl's face. He looks down on the "Yes" that's
on his palm.
CARL
(very quiet)
Yes.
Carl and Tony head into his bedroom.
INT. TONY'S BEDROOM
CARL
Do you have any candles? I just
love candles.
TONY
Sure.
Tony instantly pulls out candles and lights them.
CARL
How about wine? Like a bottle of
Beaujolais?
TONY
I only have Beaujolais Nouveau.
Tony pulls out a bottle of wine and two glasses. Tony goes
in to kiss Carl.
CARL
I have herpes.
TONY
Upstairs or downstairs?
CARL
Downstairs?
68.
TONY
Front door or back door?
CARL
It's a swinging door!
TONY
Just give it!
Tony pushes Carl down onto the bed.
INT. PETER'S LAW OFFICE
Carl's sitting across from Peter in Peter's fancy law office.
They're each eating burgers.
PETER
What's with the kitten?
PULL BACK to reveal a kitten on Peter's desk.
CARL
I just adopted her. If you're
interested, they're giving them
away in front of Petco.
PETER
I don't want a kitten.
CARL
Neither did I.
PETER'S SECRETARY
Andy Solomon on line two.
Peter picks up the phone.
PETER
Hey, asshole, we're not talking
until you sign that goddamn
contract.
Peter hangs up.
PETER (cont'd)
(totally normal)
I spoke to Kath. I hear you met
her boyfriend, Seb.
CARL
Seems like a nice guy.
69.
PETER
She was upset you went on her date.
CARL
He asked me to join them.
PETER
I think you're taking this too far.
CARL
I have no choice. I'm a yes man.
I must say yes. If Seb asks me to
join them on their date, I must.
If some dude asks me for a loan I
have to give it to them even if
it's clearly never going to be paid
back. If a guy asks me into his
bedroom, I must hook up with him.
PETER
You hooked up with a dude?
CARL
It's like hooking up with a strong
woman. I honestly don't see what
the big deal is.
(back on his yes rant)
I am guided by yes. Yes has become
my superpower. And let me tell,
yes is turning out to be a pretty
sweet deal. Now if you'll excuse
me I'm late for Korean class.
PETER
You hate Korean food.
CARL
That's no reason to write off an
entire, vibrant culture. See you
later, buddy.
Carl heads off, the kitten under his arm.
INT. GALLERY
Carl walks around a photography gallery. Renee's photos are
up. They are terrible photos, since they were taken while
she was jogging. Their subjects are blurry. Some of them
are half in the photo and half out. The featured photo is of
Carl throwing up on the ground.
70.
CARL
You really are displaying that.
RENEE
That's probably my best photo ever.
My collages aren't bad. But
personally, I think I excel at
pottery.
Renee POINTS to a LARGE, BROWN PLATE that looks like poo.
CARL
Wow. That's really big. How do
you have time for all this stuff?
RENEE
How do you have time to come to
every one of my rocks shows even
the one in Fairfield county that
was seventy-five miles from here?
I almost skipped that one.
CARL
You gave me the flier, so I had to
go.
RENEE
At first I thought you were a weird
stalker and I was scared. But now
I think you're just a really shy
dude with a crush. And while it's
been suspenseful to see when/if
you'd ask me out --
CARL
Do you want to go out sometime?
RENEE
Yes, I would.
CARL
By the way, I do other stuff
besides follow you around.
RENEE
Like what?
CARL
I take Korean.
RENEE
In that case, what do you say we do
Korean?
71.
INT. KOREAN RESTAURANT - LATER
Carl's eating across from Renee. He can't stand the food.
He grimaces with every bite, but manages to choke it down.
RENEE
Do you want any more squid hot pot?
It's really good here.
CARL
I think I'm good. To have some
more.
Renee spoons a huge amount of squid onto both their plates.
CARL (cont'd)
So, all this art you create. What
do you want to do with it?
RENEE
What do you mean?
CARL
Like, do you want to open a store?
RENEE
Where I can sell my photos and
pottery? Of course not. They're
terrible.
Carl's surprised that she knows this.
CARL
They're not terrible.
RENEE
Yeah, they're awful.
CARL
I think you're being hard on
yourself --
RENEE
I'm not asking for sympathy. My
voice is way too high-pitched, my
pottery looks like poo, and my
photos are blurry and subjectless.
But who gives a shit? Not
everything needs a goal. The world
is a playground. You know that as
a kid but then somewhere along the
way everyone forgets.
(MORE)
72.
RENEE (cont'd)
(as if telling a secret)
Besides, I can't open a store. My
big master plan is to take a trip
around the world.
CARL
When? Like in a couple years?
RENEE
I bought a ticket for four months
from now.
CARL
People always talk about that, but
you're actually doing it.
RENEE
Honestly, I'm terrified.
(THEN)
How about you? Do you like the
bank?
CARL
It's lame, but you know, it's
pretty funny. My boss Norman
always throws theme parties.
RENEE
So if it's lame why do you work
there?
CARL
Because... it's actually not lame.
(REALIZING)
I just gave the answer I've
automatically given for years. I'm
actually enjoying the bank for the
first time maybe ever. I started
this pilot program that gives out
microloans.
RENEE
What's that?
CARL
Like say you need three hundred
bucks to pay for paint so you can
start a house painting business.
Rather than paying a loan shark who
charges you 300%, now you can come
to Southwest Bank. Whatever. It's
kind of dorky.
73.
RENEE
That actually sounds really cool.
The waitress comes over.
RENEE (cont'd)
I'm stuffed. But I would love to
wrap this up.
CARL
(in Korean, with
SUBTITLES)
[We are very fat. But can I please
have this food made mobile?]
RENEE
So, what do you say we hit this
crazy party?
CARL
Funny, not crazy. My boss is white
noise.
RENEE
White noise?
CARL
You know, like totally boring.
RENEE
I don't know anyone who's totally
boring. Crack a person's shell --
there's always something creepy
underneath.
INT. NORMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Norman opens the door. He's dressed as the Japanese
character Hiro from the show Heroes.
NORMAN
Carl! Welcome. Or should I say,
uerukamu!
RENEE
What's going on?
CARL
I wouldn't bother.
74.
NORMAN
You didn't tell her? This is a
dress-up as your favorite character
from Heroes. Do you watch?
RENEE
I currently don't have a
television.
Norman stares at her.
NORMAN
I don't know what to do with that
information. There are drinks,
chips, dips, various and sundry
noshes. I entreat you to make
friends. Let's get this party
started!
INT. NORMAN'S APARTMENT
It's very quiet. A couple people mill about.
CARL
We don't have to stay long.
RENEE
It's a party. Let's socialize.
Carl and Renee walk up to a MOUSEY GIRL.
CARL
I'm Carl. This is Renee.
KHATOON
Hey. I'm Khatoon.
It's complete silence. Beat.
KHATOON (cont'd)
Do I know you from somewhere?
CARL
I don't think so.
KHATOON
Are you listed on
Persianwifefinder.com?
Renee laughs. Carl fake laughs with her.
75.
KHATOON (cont'd)
Seriously, though, are you?
CARL
So, how do you know Norman?
KHATOON
Karate Club.
Norman comes in with more chips. There are now about ten
times as many snacks as guests.
NORMAN
Baked Lays people! It is on!
CARL
You're in a karate club?
INT. NORMAN'S APARTMENT
Everyone's standing around Norman. They've laid several
pieces of wood out over a coffee table.
PARTY GUESTS
Norman! Norman! Norman!
Norman KARATE CHOPS the wood in half. The guests cheer.
Norman takes a big bow.
RENEE
(whispering to Carl)
Told ya there was something weird
under that white noise shell.
Renee leaves Carl.
KHATOON
You're totally on
persianwifefinder.com. SultanCarl.
Carl turns to Norman.
CARL
(changing the subject)
Khatoon, Norman! You guys should
spar!
Khatoon and Norman start to spar. Carl sits back, smiling.
JASON, a cynical guy who's slightly drunk, sidles up beside
Carl.
76.
JASON
Well, isn't that cute? We've got a
full match on. Hey, I'm Jason.
They shake hands.
CARL
I'm Carl. What do you do?
JASON
Work for the INS.
CARL
Cool.
JASON
I hate it. Everyday I have to dash
some poor guy's dream. I'm a
professional dream dasher.
CARL
It can't be that bad.
JASON
The other day, I turned down a guy
who had literally been a professor
at the University of Cuba.
FLASHBACK OF JASON'S INS OFFICE
Jason's sitting across from a CUBAN PROFESSOR.
CUBAN PROFESSOR
What? But I've already lived here
for five years. I've received a
steady paycheck and paid taxes for
five years. I speak fluent
English. I can't go back.
JASON
I'm sorry but no can do.
CUBAN PROFESSOR
I've passed the citizenship test
ten times. I bet you couldn't pass
that test.
JASON
You're probably right.
CUBAN PROFESSOR
Do you know the location of the
Spanish-American war?
77.
JASON
Spain?
CUBAN PROFESSOR
No.
JASON
America?
CUBAN PROFESSOR
No.
JASON
(SARCASTIC)
Spainerica?
CUBAN PROFESSOR
You are an insult to your country.
BACK TO THE PARTY.
CARL
So did you let him in?
JASON
I sent him back to Cuba. I send
them all back.
CARL
If you hate your job so much, why
do you do it?
JASON
Because I have to eat.
CARL
(to himself, in wonder)
You're a no man.
JASON
Excuse me?
Beat. Carl makes a difficult decision.
CARL
(WHISPERING)
I'm not supposed to tell anyone
this except for my Yesponsor, but
you can change your life. I've
changed mine. If I tell you how,
will you promise not to tell
anyone?
78.
JASON
(sarcastically whispering
BACK)
Yeah, sure, whatever.
CARL
I say yes. To everything. Say Yes
More. It's that simple.
Dramatic beat. Jason finishes his drink.
JASON
That's the most retarded idea I've
ever heard.
Jason heads off. Renee returns.
RENEE
What did I miss?
CARL
(THROWN)
Nothing. Do you want to go?
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl and Renee walk into Carl's apartment. Ten kittens and
puppies come running up to them as they enter.
RENEE
You work for the ASPCA?
CARL
I just love pets. This is
Veronica, King George, Owen, Carl
jr., Carl the III, Carl IV,
Bubbles, Greedo, Cat 1, Cat 2 and
Cat 3. At the end there, I got
kind of bored of naming them.
They walk into Carl's living room/bedroom.
INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
The room is piled floor to ceiling with boxes. Renee starts
to go through the boxes.
CARL
You don't need to do that.
79.
RENEE
You have a lot of Mexican Viagra.
CARL
I have a congenital heart thing it
helps. And it's cheaper than the
stuff that's made here.
RENEE
You better not be a criminal.
Because one time I dated this guy
who jacked cars for a living and I
did not enjoy living on the edge as
much as I thought I would.
CARL
It's cheaper to buy in bulk. Is
that a crime?
RENEE
A hundred boxes of Mexican
prescription drugs borders on
something vaguely criminal.
Beat.
RENEE (cont'd)
Well, are you going to make out
with me or what?
CARL
Yes.
Carl grabs Renee and starts making out with her. They fall
onto the bed. REVEAL Rooney watching them.
ROONEY
You must be Renee. I have heard so
much about you. Can I watch?
Carl doesn't know what to say. Before he has to say yes...
RENEE
No, you can't watch.
INT. CARL'S BEDROOM - LATER
Renee and Carl lie next to each other.
RENEE
You know what I would love? A
massage.
80.
CARL
I give great massages.
Carl starts massaging her.
RENEE
Oooh. Yeah. Oooh, right there.
Carl stops.
RENEE (cont'd)
Don't stop.
Carl continues massaging her.
CHYRON: HALF HOUR LATER
Carl's still massaging her. He stops.
RENEE (cont'd)
Can you please keep massaging?
Carl starts massaging again.
CHYRON: AN HOUR LATER
Carl's massaging. His hands are really cramping up. She's
asleep. He stops massaging.
RENEE (cont'd)
(while asleep)
Please keep massaging, please?
Carl starts massaging again, wincing while he does it.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
Carl's sitting across from a LARGE MAN. Carl's hands are
like claws. A line of people waits to speak with him.
CARL
How much does a Schwinn cost?
LARGE MAN
Three hundred fifty three dollars.
It'll really help me get my one
hour delivery business off the
ground. I've tried on foot. I
only have a two mile radius.
CARL
Done and done.
81.
Carl stamps the package. Norman comes over to the loan desk.
NORMAN
Hey, the boys upstairs are here to
speak with you.
CARL
Really? Because I have a thing at
one...
NORMAN
He asked for you specifically.
Ixnay on the small loans-ay.
Carl looks over. He sees the President (from the beginning
of the movie) sitting in the conference room. Carl gets
nervous.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - CONFERENCE ROOM
Carl walks into the conference room. The bank president,
CHRIS PARKER, motions to a seat.
CHRIS PARKER
Carl Kendall? I'm Chris Parker.
President of Southwest Bank.
CARL
I actually met you when I was just
a teller.
CHRIS PARKER
(no recollection of it at
ALL)
Of course!
(reading from a binder)
Pet-a-Puppy day. Free cookie day.
Free half hour on the bank's
punching bag day. You've upped
walk-in traffic by 35%. Not only
that -- you've also taken charge of
corporate day care. I like a team
player.
Carl's phone buzzes. The caller ID says LUCY.
CARL
Thank you.
82.
CHRIS PARKER
But then I got suspicious. What
drives a man in his mid to late
thirties who's still at the
absolute lowest level of our
corporate family? Generous
helpfulness? Or raging revenge?
CARL
Generous helpfulness?
CHRIS PARKER
Which is when I got the numbers
from your loan desk.
Carl turns white. Carl's phone buzzes again. The text says
LUCY: "WHERE ARE YOU?"
CARL
Uh huh.
CHRIS PARKER
You've given out over 682 below
minimum loans. One of them was
literally for fifteen dollars and
eighty seven cents.
CARL
Janice Peabody's ant farm rental
business.
CHRIS PARKER
How do you explain yourself?
CARL
I've started a microloan project.
I figure that if someone needs less
than ten grand why should they go
to a loan shark when they can come
to a legitimate banking
institution?
CHRIS PARKER
Because the paperwork makes any
profit moot. Unless you're raiding
our coffers.
CARL
No. I wouldn't do that.
CHRIS PARKER
I would if I could, so why wouldn't
you?
83.
Chris laughs. Carl laughs. Chris abruptly stops laughing.
So does Carl. Carl's phone buzzes again. The text says
LUCY: "I THOUGHT WE WERE MEETING AT ONE. PLEASE CALL BACK."
CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
But then I looked closer at the
numbers. 85% of the loan
recipients have been paying them
off according to the bank's
schedule. Not just that, but 72%
of that group have returned as
regular full loan customers. This
is both a moneymaker and good for
the community. That like never
happens!
CARL
Thank you.
CHRIS PARKER
You're the kind of person we want in
corporate. We're taking some clients
on a golfing trip. You golf?
CARL
Yes.
CHRIS PARKER
You free tomorrow?
CARL
Yes.
CHRIS PARKER
Of course you are. I better watch
my back around you, Carl Kendall.
Soon you'll be taking my job. See
you on the links.
Chris Parker grabs Carl's hand and shakes it. Carl RUNS out
of the office.
EXT. SUGAR DREAMS BAKERY
Carl RUNS up to the bakery. Lucy's outside.
LUCY
What happened?
CARL
I'm sorry -- bank meeting stuff.
84.
INT. SUGAR DREAMS BAKERY
Lucy and Carl wander around a fancy bakery.
LUCY
I've never heard of a Wedding
Shower cake.
CARL
You have to have one. Modern Bride
calls them a necessity.
Carl's phone rings.
CARL (cont'd)
Sorry, Luce. Work stuff.
(sotto into phone)
Yeah, I can definitely be at the
blood bank in twenty minutes.
Carl hangs up. Lucy suddenly starts crying.
CARL (cont'd)
Are you OK?
LUCY
I'm sorry, it's just you've been so
great at all this while my husband-
to-be has been completely absent.
Do you have time to grab a cup of
tea?
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE TEA ROOM
Carl and Lucy are each drinking tea. The only other people
in the tea room are groups of women.
LUCY
Is he scared to get married? Is
that why he doesn't care?
CARL
You know Peter. He's a man's man.
He cares, he just doesn't know how
to show it.
LUCY
You know how to show it. A wedding
is a huge deal. I'm so scared.
85.
CARL
You guys are perfect for each
other.
LUCY
I know that and yet I'm still so
scared.
CARL
Maybe if you're just honest with
him about how you're feeling it'll
be OK.
LUCY
He can be just so closed off.
Carl's phone rings.
CARL
Sorry, the bank, you know?
(sotto into phone)
The UFO conference is tonight? No,
that's fine, I'll definitely be
there.
Carl hangs up.
CARL (cont'd)
I'm sorry.
LUCY
You've been so good to me. I've
really come to depend on you. I
want to pay you back.
CARL
Not necessary.
LUCY
Peter tells me you might have some
disposable income these days.
CARL
For some reason, the bank keeps
promoting me.
LUCY
If you want to look at some open
houses, I'm happy to waive my fee.
86.
INT. LUXURIOUS APARTMENT - DAY
Carl and Lucy walk into a luxurious apartment. Gourmet
kitchen, floor to ceiling windows, giant media center.
LUCY
So this is at the very top end of
what you could probably afford.
Are you interested?
Carl hits a button. A GIANT TELEVISION SCREEN DESCENDS.
CARL
Yes.
LUCY
Are you sure? I mean, this is the
first place you've looked --
CARL
Yes. I've got to run.
LUCY
I'm looking forward to meeting
Renee tonight.
CARL
What?
LUCY
We're all having dinner. Tonight.
Remember?
CARL
Right. Of course.
Carl runs out.
INT. BLOOD BANK
Carl giving blood while on the phone.
CARL
(on the phone)
I just think if we're going to be
rolling out a no interest financing
campaign we should commit hard.
He checks his watch. The NURSE walks by.
87.
CARL (cont'd)
(covering the phone)
Can you unhook me? I have a really
important meeting.
NURSE
If you're interested in donating
plasma, feel free to sign up.
INT. UFO CONFERENCE
Carl's listening to a lecture.
WEIRD PROFESSOR
Between 1996 and 2000 England's
Ministry of Defence paid security
cleared experts to research UFOs.
This classified study was code
named Project Condign.
Carl's phone rings. People look angrily at him. He stands
and PASSES OUT in the aisle.
EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT
Carl PULLS UP and RUNS inside.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
His friends are all waiting. Carl pulls Renee aside.
CARL
I'm sorry I'm late.
RENEE
That's fine. It's only the very
first time I've met your friends.
CARL
It was work, it went crazy late.
Carl takes a breath. He's about to pass out.
RENEE
What's with the "They're Out There"
and "I Gave" button?
REVEAL Carl's sporting buttons that say "They're Out There"
and "I Gave."
88.
CARL
Long story.
(to the hostess)
Miss, could I have an orange juice?
Like fast?
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Renee, Carl, Kath, Seb, Peter and Lucy sit around a table at
a nice restaurant. As per usual, Carl has several different
meals in front of him. He also has a martini, a glass of
water, and a glass of orange juice. Carl's showing off to
his friends. As he shows off, Renee looks irritated.
CARL
(showing off, to Peter)
Your wife found me a really great
place. Built in Bose surround
sound, a 100 inch LCD flat screen
TV, roof deck with jacuzzi.
LUCY
Least I could do. At least he's
involved with our wedding.
PETER
(ignoring Lucy's tone)
I likey your suit-ey. Hugo Boss?
CARL
Oh, this old thing? Prada, I
think.
RENEE
You think? We went to three
different Prada stores to find the
right fit.
LUCY
What do yo do for a living, Renee?
RENEE
I paint. I'm in a band. I do
volunteer work at a shelter. I
teach ESL. I do balloon animal
art. You know, a little of this, a
little of that.
CARL
You should check out her pottery.
It's really big.
89.
RENEE
It is big. How about you guys?
LUCY
Real estate broker.
PETER/KATH/SEB
Lawyer.
Quiet beat. The conversation's not exactly flowing easily.
PETER
If you'll excuse me.
Peter leaves. The waiter comes over.
WAITER
Have you made a decision about the
wine?
CARL
Well, we're kind of in a
celebratory mood.
WAITER
In that case, may I suggest a 97
Petit Rothschild?
The Waiter points at a wine that costs $400 a bottle.
CARL
Maybe we should wait for Peter to
decide.
LUCY
He doesn't know crap about wine.
Just pick one, Carl.
Carl is sweating bullets.
CARL
Why not? Let's celebrate.
WAITER
With six people, I'd recommend two
bottles.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - LATER
Everyone's drinking the wine. Carl's terrified of the bill.
90.
LUCY
Do you rent or own?
RENEE
I sublet. I have this corner of a
loft.
CARL
It's a really nice corner though.
LUCY
If you're ever interested in
buying, you should ring me up.
RENEE
I hate owning things. Because when
you own something, you suddenly are
invested in that thing not
breaking. And I break everything.
I've gone through three TVS in
three years.
SEB
How did you break them?
RENEE
I smashed one with a hammer,
dropped one off my roof and the
third one just went on the fritz.
So I set it on fire.
Carl's friends don't really know what to say. The check
comes. Carl grabs it before anyone else can. It's a $1500
bill. He drops several credit cards down on the table.
CARL
It's on me!
(quietly to the waiter)
I'd like to split it between an
Advanta Blue Business, Mastercard,
a Diners Club and my South Dakota
Bank Visa Check card.
EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT
Carl's outside with Peter.
PETER
Nice job with Renee. She's
definitely odd, but that's not
necessarily --
91.
CARL
I just spent $1500 on dinner.
PETER
What? Why?
CARL
Because the waiter asked me if I
wanted the expensive wine and you
weren't there to stop me!
PETER
Don't get mad at me about it. You
can just stop.
CARL
No I can't. If I didn't say yes to
the band flier, I never would have
met Renee. If I hadn't said yes to
taking charge of bank day care and
then yes to becoming a loan
specialist and then yes to the
president's golf trip, I wouldn't
be moving up. Each yes leads to
the next one. If I stop, it could
all fall apart.
PETER
You've gone from a passive guy who
always said no to a passive guy who
always says yes. Just saying yes
is not a legitimate life
philosophy.
CARL
I don't know why I should be taking
advice from a guy who's wife is
pissed he's not involved at all
with the wedding planning.
PETER
I'm involved.
CARL
You told her you don't care whether
the invite's cream or ivory.
PETER
I can't see the difference.
(opening up)
Honestly, I'm terrified.
92.
CARL
What? Why?
PETER
It's marriage, you know? The
biggest thing ever.
CARL
But you guys have dated for years.
PETER
I know.
CARL
You're perfect for each other.
PETER
I know.
CARL
She's terrified too.
PETER
Really?
CARL
Of course she is. I think you'll
both be a lot less terrified if
you're terrified together.
PETER
But what if I really can't tell the
difference between ivory and cream?
Does that make me a bad husband?
CARL
What matters is that you pretend
you can see the difference.
The girls and Seb come out from the restaurant with their
coats on. There's a silent beat.
GIRLS
(high pitched goodbyes)
It was wonderful meeting you!/I
loved it!/Let me know when you
throw your next art thing!
Everyone gets into their cars. Carl and Renee walk off.
RENEE
It was great meeting your friends.
93.
CARL
They're a little stiff.
Beat.
RENEE
They are a little stiff. What do
you feel like doing?
CARL
I'm actually going rollerblading
with Ralph.
RENEE
Ralph?
CARL
You know, crazy rollerblading
guitar man.
RENEE
The guy who plays at the promenade?
CARL
Any interest?
RENEE
No. It's ten on a Friday night.
And that guy's crazy. Don't you
want to go home and make out?
CARL
Yes.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl and Renee are making while Carl surreptitiously checks
his watch. Finally, Renee stops kissing him.
RENEE
(ANNOYED)
Just go.
EXT. STREET
Carl and CRAZY ROLLERBLADING GUITAR MAN rollerblade down the
street while guitar man plays guitar.
94.
CRAZY ROLLERBLADING GUITAR MAN
Which is why the merman is not to
be trusted, especially with the
fisherman's computer brain.
CARL
That is really good to know.
CRAZY ROLLERBLADING GUITAR MAN
You want to come see the merman?
CARL
(RELUCTANT)
Yes.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - DAY
Carl dashes in, covered in spots of paint. Chris appears.
CHRIS PARKER
What happened to you?
FLASHBACK: CHYRON: TEN MINUTES AGO
Carl's playing really intense, terrifying paintball with
Norman and Rooney.
BACK TO NOW:
CARL
I do this whole Habitat for
Humanity Thing.
CHRIS PARKER
I love the concept of charity.
It's awesome.
A group of KOREAN GENTLEMAN approach Carl and Chris.
CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
This is Carl Kendall. This is Jin
Kim, Joo-Chan Park, Soo Lee and
Seung Kim. Seung's the CEO of
Korean Bank International.
The Koreans shake Carl's hand.
CARL
(in Korean, with
SUBTITLES)
[It is an honor to meet you. Do
you like America?]
95.
The Koreans all start speaking Korean at Carl. Carl clearly
doesn't understand what they're saying.
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB
Chris and Carl follow the Koreans.
CHRIS PARKER
You speak Korean?
CARL
Just a little.
CHRIS PARKER
You sneaky devil. I knew I should
watch my back around you.
CARL
Is it a problem if I've never
played golf before?
CHRIS PARKER
You're a funny one, Carl Kendall.
Remember, they have to win. In
Asian cultures, there's a concept
called Saving Face. You have to
let them win. But if they smell
for a second that you haven't tried
your hardest, they'll commit hari
kari.
CARL
Metaphorically?
CHRIS PARKER
Who knows? It's a delicate
balance, Kendall. Like two little
girls on a see saw with a crocodile
beneath them. Make the wrong move,
and the little girl will end up in
the croc's maw.
EXT. GOLF COURSE
Carl stands with the Koreans. Seung Kim is speaking very
rapidly at Carl. Carl has no idea what he's saying. Seung
Kim laughs. Carl laughs along with him. Chris hits a
beautiful shot. His ball lands almost on the green. The
Koreans notice and nervously chatter. Chris approaches Carl.
96.
CHRIS PARKER
Alright, buddy. It's all you.
Carl grabs a nine iron from the golf bag. Everyone seems
very impressed.
CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
You must have quite a powerful
stroke.
CARL
I do.
SEUNG KIM
(in Korean, to Carl)
[Good luck, my friend.]
CARL
(in Korean)
[I shall need the luck. This is my
first time playing.]
Seung Kim laughs.
CARL (cont'd)
(under his breath)
Why does everyone think I'm joking?
Carl gingerly places the golf ball on the tee. He looks
towards the hole.
CARL (cont'd)
That's really far.
Carl lines up his shot. He swings back, then forward, and
PLOWS the club into the grass, knocking the ball off the tee.
The ball rolls down a slight incline resting just a couple
feet from where Carl hit it.
CARL (cont'd)
(in Korean, to Seung Kim)
[You're up, Seung Kim.]
Carl walks back to where Chris is at.
CHRIS PARKER
What was that?
CARL
Just keeping them on their toes.
Reverse psychology. Tiger Woods
does it.
97.
Seung Kim raises his club back. He too dubs it, driving the
club deep into the grass. His ball rolls just a couple feet
past Carl.
GOLF MONTAGE WHEREIN CARL AND SEUNG KIM COMPETE TO NOT BE THE
ABSOLUTE WORST GOLF PLAYER EVER
-- Carl hits the ball straight into a group of trees.
-- Seung Kim, standing right in front of a pond, delicately
taps his ball right into the pond.
-- Carl keeps divoting the grass. He divots so many times
that he has to move the ball out of the hole's he's
accidentally dug.
-- Seung Kim hits his ball out of the sand trap. It rolls
back in. He tries again. It rolls back in. He's about to
try again when Carl picks up his ball and tosses it over the
lip of the sand trap. Carl holds his finger up to his lips:
"Shhh."
-- Carl's about to hit the ball when his phone rings. He
answers it.
CARL (cont'd)
Of course not.
The other golfers look really impatient.
CARL (cont'd)
Male.
(BEAT)
Apartment.
(BEAT)
I prefer light beer.
(BEAT)
Three to five times a week.
(BEAT)
Orlando.
Carl holds up his finger. Only one moment.
-- It's getting late. Now both Carl and Seung Kim are
hitting their balls at once to save time. They are both
running and hacking at their balls across the fairway as if
they're playing a deranged game of field hockey.
EXT. GOLF COURSE - EARLY EVENING
Carl is counting up the scores.
98.
CARL
Chris, you hit a 90. Nice one.
CHRIS PARKER
I bogied the fifth hole. I'm still
pissed about that.
CARL
Joo-Chan hit a 95. Nice work. As
for Seung Kim. You hit 453.
Seung glowers at Carl.
CARL (cont'd)
And as for me, I hit...
(doing some computations)
... 503.
SEUNG KIM
Yes!
Seung Kim pumps his fist.
CARL
I'm sorry to say that team Korean
Bank International has won.
Seung Kim slaps five with his compatriots.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - POST GOLF
Carl, Chris and the Koreans are all hanging out. Carl is
alone in the corner of the conference hall. A PRETTY FEMALE
KOREAN BANKER approaches Carl.
PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
(in Korean)
[You are quite the golfer.]
CARL
(in Korean)
[I golf from crotch noodle.]
Beat. She laughs. He laughs along with her.
PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
(in Korean)
[I have a business proposition for
you. My marriage is not a happy
one. I often find my needs are
left unsatisfied.]
99.
CARL
(in Korean)
[I agree. The weather is sunny.]
PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
(in Korean)
[I wish that was so.]
(in English)
Kiss me? Please?
Carl doesn't know what to do.
CARL
(NERVOUSLY)
Yes.
She kisses him passionately. Carl breaks away from the kiss.
PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
Am I not sexy? Have you not heard
of saving face?
CARL
You're very sexy.
Carl and the Korean Banker kiss more. Carl looks guilty.
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB
Carl's shaking hands with the Korean Bank Representatives.
Chris shakes Carl's hand.
CHRIS PARKER
I'm promoting you to bank manager.
(pulling Carl close)
I've got my eye on you, boy. Don't
you forget it.
Chris laughs. Carl nervously laughs along with him. The
Pretty Korean Banker walks by and waves at him. Carl waves
back. He looks very guilty.
INT. POTTERY STUDIO
Carl walks into the pottery studio, looking guilty. Renee is
making a giant piece of pottery.
RENEE
What's up, chicken butt?
(off his guilty look)
(MORE)
100.
RENEE (cont'd)
Are you OK? Did everything go OK
at golf?
Carl considers whether he should say anything about the kiss.
CARL
I just got promoted to bank
manager.
RENEE
Congratulations!
Renee kisses Carl.
RENEE (cont'd)
Oooh, we should do some sexy
pottery. Like you can rub the clay
all over me.
CARL
OK.
Carl goes to grab some clay.
RENEE
I was kidding. Not as sexy as it
seems. It gets in like everywhere.
(awkward beat)
What should we do to celebrate?
CARL
Have dinner?
RENEE
How about Korean? Oh, no, you
probably already had some today.
CARL
(NERVOUSLY)
No, we just had American food,
American fare.
RENEE
You've just been so busy -- it'd be
fun to have a night just the two of
us. I wish we could just go to the
airport and hop on the first flight
outta here.
Carl's eyes light up.
CARL
Yes.
101.
INT. AIRPORT - TICKET COUNTER
Renee and Carl are in line at the ticketing counter.
RENEE
(with an English accent)
I think we're going to London.
CARL
(with a Spanish accent)
Oaxaca, senorita.
RENEE
(with a Russian accent)
Moscow, Russia, comrade.
CARL
(with an unidentifiable
ACCENT)
Singapore.
RENEE
What was that?
CARL
My Singaporean accent. Pretty
good, right?
They get to the front of the line.
CARL (cont'd)
(PROUDLY)
We want two tickets on the next
plane out of here.
AIRLINE REP
Two tickets to... Lincoln,
Nebraska. Have a good time.
Carl and Renee take the tickets.
CARL
(acting positive)
Lincoln, Nebraska! Here we come,
baby!
AIRLINE REP
That'll be twelve hundred and
thirty three dollars.
RENEE
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
102.
CARL
I've been promoted. I've got money
to burn.
Carl nervously hands the Airline Rep his credit card.
INT. AIRPORT - OUTSIDE SECURITY
Carl's walking towards security when he runs into TONY, the
homosexual guy he hooked up with. Tony's handing out his
books.
TONY
Do you want to change your life
through Mahayana Buddhism?
Carl takes one of the books.
TONY (cont'd)
Carl?
Carl realizes who he is. Suddenly they are in the middle of
an awkward ex-lover interaction.
CARL
Tony.
TONY
How've you been? You... never
called.
CARL
I'm sorry. I've been busy.
TONY
Yeah, well, I've been busy too.
Renee comes up and grabs Carl's arm.
RENEE
Hey, who's your friend?
Tony looks at Renee and realizes that she's Carl's
girlfriend.
RENEE (cont'd)
I'm Renee.
TONY
I'm Tony. I'm an old, close friend
of Carl's.
103.
ANNOUNCER
Flight 2036 to Lincoln, Nebraska,
now boarding.
CARL
That's our flight. We should
probably get going.
RENEE
It was nice meeting you.
CARL
See you soon.
TONY
(dripping with bitterness)
Have fun. You abigail.
Carl and Renee head off.
INT. PLANE
Renee and Carl have the aisle and window on the plane. A
YOUNG WOMAN comes up to Carl.
YOUNG WOMAN
Hi, there. Would you mind
switching places with me? I want
to be across the aisle from my mom.
Her MOM is indeed across from Carl.
RENEE
We're actually flying together.
YOUNG WOMAN
It would really mean a great deal.
She's very scared of flying.
CARL
Where's your seat?
The YOUNG WOMAN points at her seat. It's a couple rows up in
the middle. Her middle seat's BOOKENDED by a MOM with a
SCREAMING BABY and an ENORMOUS MAN.
CARL (cont'd)
This is an aisle. That's a middle.
Renee looks at Carl like, why won't you just refuse?
104.
MOM
I'm really scared of flying.
CUT TO MOMENTS LATER
Carl between the crying baby and the ENORMOUS MAN. Renee
turns and waves to him from a couple rows up. Carl puts on a
saccharin smile and waves back.
INT. LINCOLN AIRPORT - LATER
Carl and Renee are in the airport.
RENEE
So, now that we're here, what
should we do?
CARL
Well, clearly we should go there.
Carl points to an advertisement for a telephone museum:
"Come to the Frank H. Woods Telephone Pioneer Museum."
INT. FRANK H. WOODS TELEPHONE PIONEER MUSEUM
Carl and Renee are looking at MANNEQUINS OF NINETEENTH
CENTURY SWITCHBOARD OPERATORS. It's incredibly quiet.
CARL
I had no idea that the earliest
switchboard operator headsets
weighed ten and a half pounds.
That is fascinating.
RENEE
It is?
CARL
Not at all.
Renee laughs. An ELDERLY TOUR GUIDE dressed as a telephone
operator approaches.
ELDERLY TOUR GUIDE
(in character)
I'll connect you to the coast in an
instant with Alexander Graham
Bell's brand new invention -- the
telephone! Just a haypenny per ten
minutes.
(out of character)
(MORE)
105.
ELDERLY TOUR GUIDE (cont'd)
This place is boring as shit.
Check out the Lester F. Larsen
Tractor Test & Power Museum. Now
that's an attraction. Ask for
Billy.
She hands Carl a brochure.
EXT. LESTER F. LARSEN TRACTOR TEST AND POWER MUSEUM
Carl and Renee stand outside.
RENEE
We don't have to do this.
CARL
We're here. We might as well.
EXT. FIELD - MOMENTS LATER
Carl and Renee RIDE A TRACTOR. Renee's taking photos as they
BUMP OVER THE FIELD.
CARL
THIS IS AWESOME!
TRACTOR DRIVER
WANT ME TO OPEN THIS SUCKER UP?
CARL/RENEE
YES!
The driver TURNS UP THE SPEED. They're suddenly going crazy
fast.
TRACTOR DRIVER
TAKE THE WHEEL! FEEL THE POWER OF
JOHN DEERE!
Carl takes the wheel. The tractor IMMEDIATELY GETS AWAY FROM
HIM. They SWERVE STRAIGHT and CRASH THROUGH THE WALL OF AN
OLD BARN. The DRIVER kills the engine. Renee, Carl and the
Driver catch their breath.
CARL
There's, uhh, no power steering.
TRACTOR DRIVER
It's a tractor, not a Toyota.
CARL
I'm sorry about the barn.
106.
TRACTOR DRIVER
Been meaning to tear this sucker
down anyway.
EXT. ANTELOPE PARK AND SUNKEN GARDENS
Carl and Renee walk around a surprisingly pretty city park.
RENEE
I think I might have whiplash from
that tractor ride.
CARL
Just don't sue me.
RENEE
Watch your back, Carl. I mean it.
I'm very litigious.
CARL
This day has been so randomly
incredible.
RENEE
Would you... want to... travel
around the world with me?
(THEN)
I mean, I know we haven't really
been seeing each other for that
long, but I don't know...
CARL
Yes.
RENEE
Yes?
CARL
Definitely.
RENEE
I think I'm falling, you know...
Are you... ?
CARL
Yes.
They kiss.
RENEE
Before our flight, what do you say
we grab a couple Nebraskan steaks?
107.
CARL
I'm definitely falling for you.
INT. LINCOLN AIRPORT
Carl's sitting in the lounge at the Lincoln Airport. An OLD
WOMAN comes up to him.
OLD WOMAN
Excuse me. Would you mind bringing
this to my son?
The Old Woman hands Carl an UNMARKED, SHADY-LOOKING PACKAGE.
CARL
Like you want me to bring it with
me? On the plane?
OLD WOMAN
Fedex is so expensive and this
needs to get to him today.
CARL
(very nervous)
Yeah. Sure. I'd be happy to.
OLD WOMAN
He's a tall, blond fellow named
Sheldon Winkleton. He'll be
holding a sign in the terminal with
his name on it. You are a dear.
The Old Woman shuffles off. Carl looks at the box. Renee
returns.
RENEE
I got US Weekly, Star and, for a
little culture, the National
Enquirer.
CARL
National Enquirer?
RENEE
They have movie reviews. What's in
the package?
CARL
Just a gift for some buddies back
home.
108.
INT. AIRPORT - SECURITY
Carl walks through security. He puts the package on the
conveyor belt. They don't notice anything odd.
INT. PLANE
Carl and Renee sit next to each other on the plane.
RENEE
I'm sorry, I have to go to the
bathroom.
Renee heads to the bathroom. Carl takes the package out from
under the seat in front of him. He starts to breathe really
hard. He very gingerly opens the package. He pulls back the
packing peanuts revealing... a box of homemade chocolates.
Carl breathes a SIGH OF RELIEF.
INT. AIRPORT
Carl and Renee walk off the plane, Carl carrying the package
under his arm. Carl sees a tall blond guy holding a sign
that says "SHELDON WINKLETON." He heads towards the guy but
before he can several DEA AGENTS with ADORABLE, DRUG SNIFFING
DOGS surround Carl. The dogs start BARKING LIKE MAD.
DEA AGENT
Put the package down! Put it down!
Carl looks up to see "Sheldon" WALKING SWIFTLY OUT THE
SLIDING DOORS of the airport.
DEA AGENT (cont'd)
Get on the ground! Both of you!
The DEA AGENTS KICK the box open. Chocolates spill out over
the ground. They crack open the chocolates to reveal TINY
BAGGIES OF COCAINE.
RENEE
What the hell is that?
CARL
I don't know!
As Carl is dragged out by the cops, he passes Tony, standing
near the exit, shaking his head.
109.
INT. JAIL - INTERROGATION ROOM
Carl's sitting across from two DEA Agents, Good Cop Bob and
Bad Cop Bob.
GOOD COP BOB
I'm Bob.
BAD COP BOB
And I'm Bob.
Carl can't help but laugh.
BAD COP BOB (cont'd)
Do you find that funny?
Carl sees his hand with "Yes" on it.
CARL
Yes. I'm sorry. Just let the girl
go. She doesn't know anything.
BAD COP BOB
We'll see about that, Carl.
CARL
Some old lady gave me a package in
the Lincoln airport to deliver to
her son, Sheldon Winkleton. That
was really stupid of me and I
realize that now. I don't know
anything about anything.
GOOD COP BOB
Just answer a few questions and I'm
sure we'll get this all sorted out.
Have you ever used illegal drugs?
Carl stares at them. He should probably lie...
CARL
Yes.
GOOD COP BOB
Pot?
CARL
Yes. But that's all.
BAD COP BOB
How about shrooms?
110.
Carl nods.
CARL
But that's the only bad shit I've
done. I swear.
BAD COP BOB
Never cheated on a girlfriend?
CARL
(WEEPING)
Yes, I have. But I was in high
school. I was a mess. She had
cheated on me --
The Bad Cop SLAMS his fist down on the table.
BAD COP BOB
You disgust me.
The Good Cop restrains the Bad Cop.
INT. JAIL - OUTSIDE THE INTERROGATION ROOM
The two cops DISCUSS Carl. We see Carl freaking out through
the one-way mirror behind them as they talk.
GOOD COP BOB
He's a moron. But I think he's
telling the truth.
BAD COP BOB
I agree. No one ever admits to the
cheating question.
EXT. POLICE STATION
Carl's sitting on the steps. Renee comes out of the station.
RENEE
What the hell happened?
CARL
I can explain.
RENEE
So explain. Are you a drug
smuggler?
111.
CARL
Look, when the nice lady asked me
to take them on the plane, I
thought they were chocolates.
RENEE
You expect me to believe a nice
lady asked you to bring chocolates
on a plane?
CARL
I know how it sounds.
RENEE
I don't think you do.
Carl just looks at her.
RENEE (cont'd)
If you can't be honest with me,
then you and the nice lady can have
a fun life in Candyland.
Renee starts off.
CARL
Wait! I'll explain better.
She turns back around.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
Carl sits across from Renee.
RENEE
So you've just been saying yes to
everything.
CARL
Yes.
(THEN)
Pardon the pun.
RENEE
Oh.
CARL
See? Do you get it now? It's
nothing, just a glitch really.
112.
RENEE
I thought we had so much in common
but if you just yes to everything I
don't know that we do. How do I
know if you even like Korean food?
Beat.
CARL
I don't.
RENEE
Do you even want to travel around
the world at all or do you want to
work at that bank and buy a lot of
Prada suits?
CARL
(CONFUSED)
Yes. And yes.
Something registers in Renee.
RENEE
When I asked if you were falling
for me all you said was yes.
She rises, shaking her head, and heads for the door.
CARL
It wasn't a lie.
RENEE
Yes. It was.
INT. BLOOD BANK
Carl's strapped to a giant plasma donation machine. It's
horrifying. As he donates plasma, he could not look more
depressed.
NURSE
It'll be over soon.
CARL
I don't care. Just take it all.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
Carl stumbles into the lounge outside Chris's office.
113.
SECRETARY
Chris will be with you in a moment.
Would you like something to drink?
INT. CHRIS PARKER'S OFFICE - DAY
Carl walks into Chris's office carrying a cup of coffee a
Diet Coke, and a bottle of water.
CHRIS PARKER
So I got a call from the police
department.
CARL
I'm not a drug dealer --
Chris closes the door to his office.
CHRIS PARKER
I spent a couple years in prison
myself. So I backdated some stock
options. Excuse me for trying to
help our bottom line, right?
CARL
You got to do what you got to do to
help Mr. And Mrs. Shareholder.
CHRIS PARKER
We are their slaves.
CARL
Totally.
CHRIS PARKER
Honestly, I prefer for all my top
guys to have been in the Big House.
We've all eaten the slop. There's
a trust there you can't break.
Chris holds out his hand.
CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
So, what do you say to being a VP
and expanding your microloan
program bankwide?
CARL
(SURPRISED)
Yes.
Carl shakes Chris's hand.
114.
INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
Carl's office has VIEWS of other corporate parks. Despite
the fancy digs, Carl's depressed. Chris pokes his head in.
Carl's on the phone.
CARL
(on the phone)
That's right, we're dropping the
minimum loan to one dollar, bank-
wide.
CHRIS PARKER
Could you look through these
numbers and let me know which of
our five branches have been lagging
behind in profit?
Chris dumps a folder on Carl's desk.
CARL
I thought I was just implementing
the microloan program.
CHRIS PARKER
You're a VP, buddy. You do it all
now.
INT. POTTERY STUDIO
Carl's taking a pottery lesson. He is sadly going through
the motions of making a pot. He checks his watch and
departs, leaving the unfinished pot spinning on the pottery
wheel.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
The VPs are sitting around the board room. Carl comes in,
late, still covered in clay.
CARL
Sorry about that.
CHRIS PARKER
Carl, I'm glad you could join us.
So, to keep you all updated, we
should be merging with Korean Bank
International within the year.
Everyone claps.
115.
CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
As per our argument with KBI, we'll
be shoring up our bottom line.
Carl Kendall's done us the honor of
drawing up a preliminary list of
the branches that are on the
chopping block. Nice work, Carl.
Carl looks horrified.
INT. CHRIS PARKER'S OFFICE
Carl's in the middle of a heated discussion with Chris.
CARL
You can't close the Maple Branch!
CHRIS PARKER
I know that Maple's where you got
your start, but if I don't lay
those people off then I get laid
off. It's a vicious cycle.
CARL
You don't have to if you don't want
to.
CHRIS PARKER
(deadly serious)
If we don't close these branches
than KBI will buy our competitor
instead of us and put us all out of
business. If you want to be an
executive and get to do fun stuff
like your microloan project, then
you also have to be the bad guy who
lays people off. That's why we get
paid the big bucks. To make the
hard decisions.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Norman's crying. Rooney's getting worked up.
NORMAN
The bank's all I've got. Every
morning I restock the hard candy,
polish the safe, write today's
interest rates on the board.
116.
CARL
There are other banks.
ROONEY
We have to protest the merger. Get
some grassroots action going.
Grass looks weak, but it grows
everywhere.
CARL
You don't even work at the bank.
NORMAN
You should protest with us!
ROONEY
Yeah! Protest with your employees!
It will only make you more popular!
EXT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
Southwest Bank employees and Carl stand in a picket line
outside the corporate offices.
EMPLOYEES
Hell no! We won't go! Hell no!
We won't go!
Chris gets out of his car and heads to the office. Carl
hides his face from Chris so that Chris won't recognize him.
ROONEY
Throw a rock at him.
NORMAN
Yeah, throw a rock!
Carl grabs a rock and VERY DELICATELY LOBS IT in Chris's
direction. He then TAKES OFF RUNNING in the opposite
direction. He then CIRCLES AROUND and runs into the back
entrance of the bank.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
We FOLLOW Carl as he runs up the service entrance to the
corporate offices.
117.
INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
Carl then RUNS into his office and sits down at the desk.
He's covered in sweat and is breathing heavily. Chris pokes
his head in.
CHRIS PARKER
Some asshole protestor threw a rock
at my head.
CARL
Those dicks.
CHRIS PARKER
I wish using hoses wasn't such bad
PR.
Chris leaves his office.
INT. PETER'S LAW OFFICE
Carl sits across from Peter.
CARL
I think I made a mistake letting
Renee go like that. What if I'm
supposed to go on that trip?
PETER
You own an apartment because of
that job. People don't generally
leave good jobs.
CARL
But the bank doesn't feel right...
Peter's phone rings. Peter picks it up.
PETER
Hey, honey. I think we should go
with the tulips. I know roses are
more romantic, but they're also
much more clichéd. Babe, can you
wait a second?
(covering the phone)
I'm going to be on for a while.
Ask your guru. He's the one who
sent you on this retarded quest in
the first place.
118.
INT. MARRIOTT CONFERENCE CENTER
Sanji's SIGNING BOOKS. Carl gets to the front of the line.
CARL
Hi, Sanji. I'm Carl. Kendall.
SANJI
(no memory of Carl)
Of course! Would you like to
purchase my new book, "The Power of
Yes: Life is Yessy"?
CARL
Actually, I had a question for
you...
SANJI
Well, this line is for book
customers only.
INT. MARRIOTT COFFEE SHOP - LATER
Sanji's eating by himself. Carl comes up to him.
CARL
I'm sorry to bother you again --
SANJI
Can't you see that I'm eating?
CARL
I have a really important question.
I have to choose between traveling
around the world with a girl I'm
really into or choosing a job that
will make me pretty well off. I
don't know which yes to take.
SANJI
How well off?
CARL
I don't know why that's important.
SANJI
I should know all the data.
CARL
A lot, OK?
119.
SANJI
This is what I recommend. Every
winter, I throw a two week long
seminar in Aspen. It's only ten
grand a week and it will open your
mind up --
CARL
I don't want to go to a seminar. I
just need help with this question.
SANJI
For you, eight grand a week. I
have helped celebrities like Cher
and Jack Welch. You will love it --
CARL
(REALIZING)
You're a total con artist.
SANJI
I am not a con artist. Have I not
set you on the life path you
desire?
CARL
(PANICKING)
I've put my life into the hands of
a con artist! And because of you I
have this retarded yes branded on
my hand for life!
(yelling to the
RESTAURANT)
This man is a con artist! Don't
listen to this man! He is a con
artist!
Carl runs out of the restaurant.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl returns home. Rooney's on the couch, wearing a headset
playing Xbox Live.
ROONEY
(into the headset)
You are dead, AnalDestroyer832!
Carl PULLS the xBox cord out of the law.
CARL
Out!
120.
ROONEY
What? Why?
CARL
You've slept on my couch for four
weeks. You're a grown man. Now
sack up and get the hell out of
here.
ROONEY
Will you let me stay here please?
CARL
Are you deaf?
ROONEY
You have to say yes if I ask you.
CARL
You knew?
ROONEY
I may not seem like I get it, but I
get everything. Lucy and Kath?
Made out one time in the bathroom
at Rudy's.
CARL
Get the hell out of here.
INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
Carl's in front of his computer. There are a bunch of emails
selling Viagra. He angrily deletes them all. He gets a
letter from the King of Nigeria.
NIGERIAN KING (V.O.)
Dear Carl, It is vitally important
you send me your bank account
information. The government will
be closing in on my account in the
very near future. Your good
friend, Omar, Former King of
Nigeria.
Carl starts typing fast. As Carl writes the following email,
we cuts of him THROWING AWAY THE BOXES OF STUFF HE BOUGHT
OVER THE INTERNET and GIVING AWAY THE SIX KITTENS HE GOT TO
THE ASPCA.
121.
CARL (V.O.)
Omar, Let's cut the crap. You are
not a king. You're probably just a
teenage con artist jerking off
somewhere in Russia. Write me
again and I will find you and beat
your stupid lying face in. Dick.
Sincerely, Carl Kendall.
Carl angrily flips off his computer.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
CLOSE ON THE ALARM. His alarm goes off. Carl HITS IT off.
It's now DAYTIME.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - DAY
Carl gets dressed. He puts on his suit and tie. His
apartment is noticeably nicer than the last time we saw it.
EXT. STREET
Carl drives down the street in a FANCY CAR. He PULLS INTO
DUNKIN DONUTS. He gets out of the car and passes a guy
handing out fliers.
FLIER GUY
You want to pawn --
CARL
No.
Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts.
INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
The Dunkin Donuts Cashier hands Carl his coffee.
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
Would you like an --
CARL
No.
Carl hands the Cashier the money.
122.
INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
Carl sits in his office. Lucy walks in.
CARL
Hey, Luce. What're you doing all
the way over here?
LUCY
It's been hard to reach you.
CARL
I've been a little swamped.
LUCY
Everything OK?
CARL
Yeah. Things are great.
LUCY
I was wondering when you want to
meet with the florist.
CARL
Sorry, but I'm too busy these days.
Don't have time to help with the
party anymore. Good luck.
LUCY
You're just stopping, just like
that?
CARL
I'm not the one marrying you.
Maybe you should ask him for some
help.
LUCY
He is helping. Here I was thinking
we were actual friends.
Lucy leaves, upset. Carl doesn't move.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM
Carl, Chris and the other VPs sit around the conference
table.
123.
CHRIS PARKER
(with great importance)
What is the best way for us to
enter the teenage credit card
market?
VP
Give away a free iPod.
CHRIS PARKER
Yes.
ANOTHER VP
Include one with cans of Mountain
Dew Code Red.
CHRIS PARKER
Nice. Anyone else? Carl?
CARL
Have you guys thought that
teenagers don't have the financial
knowhow to use a credit card?
CHRIS PARKER
That's why they're such a ripe
market. Any ideas on how to pick
that low hanging fruit?
CARL
Include a Mastercard with every
xBox.
CHRIS PARKER
I like that. I like that a lot.
Chris SLAPS FIVE with Carl.
CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
Now remember, tomorrow's our
official merger ceremony with KBI.
So wear your nice suits. I'm
talking to you, Feldman.
All the VPs laugh. Carl fake laughs along with them.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl gets home. He hits play on his answering machine.
124.
PETER (V.O.)
(over the answering
MACHINE)
Hey, Carl. Peter here. Long time
no see. Sorry to hear you won't be
planning our engagement party.
Although I guess that makes you
less gay than I thought you were.
We'll be watching the game at
Rudy's tonight, if you're
interested.
Carl DELETES the message. He FLIPS ON Survivor and starts to
absentmindedly sort through his mail. He throws away
junkmail until he gets to a postcard that catches his eye.
He reads the postcard.
JASON (V.O.)
Dear Carl. I know this is kind of
random, but I thought I should
write you. We met at that party at
Norman's apartment. I was the INS
guy who hated his life and hated
you. I just wanted to tell you
that I took your advice. I quit my
job and have founded a home in
Botswana for elderly orangutans.
I've never been happier. You told
me to say "yes" and it has turned
out to be incredible. Thank you.
Yours truly, Jason Newmark
Carl TURNS OVER the post card. On the cover of the card is a
picture an orangutan.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
Carl's alarm goes off. He opens his eyes. He's PROPPED the
post card up next to his alarm clock. The orangutan seems to
be staring into his soul.
INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
Carl's writing a list of names. The post card lies on the
desk nearby. His secretary pops her head in.
CARL'S SECRETARY
The executives are gathering in the
conference room to officially greet
the KBI Officials.
(MORE)
125.
CARL'S SECRETARY (cont'd)
(re: the post card)
Cute gorilla.
CARL
It's an elderly orangutan actually.
(handing her the list)
Could you please call everyone on
this list and tell them to show up
at Rudy's Bar & Grille this evening
at 9PM?
CARL'S SECRETARY
Will do.
Carl starts to head out and then turns around.
CARL
I just want to say, it was really
great having you as my first
secretary.
CARL'S SECRETARY
You're not firing me, are you?
CARL
I don't think I'm going to be
working here much longer.
INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - CONFERENCE ROOM
Carl walks into the crowded room. Korean executives and
Southwest Bank executives mingle. Carl heads towards Chris.
CARL
I need to talk to you.
CHRIS PARKER
And I need to talk to you. You
mind doing a little ceremonial
translating?
CARL
I don't know if I'm good enough at
Korean --
CHRIS PARKER
Believe in yourself and the world
believes in you.
SEUNG sees Carl and bows to him. Carl bows back. The Pretty
Korean Banker sees Carl and coquettishly waves to him.
Chris TAPS the microphone. The crowd sits down.
126.
CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
I'd like to welcome our new
partners into the Southwest family.
Chris nods to Carl.
CARL
(in Korean, with
SUBTITLES)
[Welcome. You will be my partner.]
SEUNG KIM
(in Korean)
[Thank you.]
CHRIS PARKER
KBI is the at the forefront of the
financial world. With your help,
Southwest will be as well.
Carl takes a beat. Chris looks at him, expectantly.
CARL
(in Korean, with
SUBTITLES)
[He says that you are a son of a
dog and like to have the dirty
sex.]
SEUNG KIM
(in Korean)
[What?]
CHRIS PARKER
We look forward to working together
and extending our reach across the
globe.
CARL
(in Korean, with
SUBTITLES)
[He says in Korea you poop on the
ground and that here you cannot
poop on the ground.]
SEUNG KIM
(in Korean)
[That is factually inaccurate]
CARL
(in Korean)
[I know. But it's what the bigot
believes.]
127.
CHRIS PARKER
So with this hand shake, I make
official the acquisition of
Southwest by Korean Bank
International.
Chris holds out his hand.
CARL
(in Korean)
[Although you have poop on your
hand, I am willing to shake it so I
can steal all your money, you
stupid Korean.]
SEUNG KIM
No.
CHRIS PARKER
Excuse me?
SEUNG KIM
(perfect English with a
British accent)
We have a traitor in our midst.
This man just called me a son of a
dog and informed me that my hand is
covered in fecal matter. He is
clearly trying to sabotage the
merger.
CARL
You speak English?
SEUNG KIM
You think an international bank
financier wouldn't speak fluent
English? For whom do you work,
traitor? Shanghai Bank?
Chinatrust?
CARL
For myself.
SEUNG KIM
Fine. Keep it secret.
Unfortunately, I cannot approve a
merger with a company so
incompetent as to have a business
saboteur this high up. Good day.
Seung Kim walks out, followed by all his employees. Before
Chris can say anything...
128.
CARL
I quit.
Carl leaves.
INT. RUDY'S - NIGHT
Peter, Lucy, Rooney, Norman, Tony, Loan Recipients, several
Persian Woman -- all of Carl's friends along with everyone
that he's met on his Yes journey have gathered at Rudy's.
PETER
Why does he want us here?
LUCY
I have no idea.
Kath and Seb walk in.
KATH
(to Lucy)
You guys get the call as well?
PAN OVER to Rooney standing alone. Farinoush, the Persian
woman, walks over to him.
IRANIAN WOMAN
I'm Farinoush.
ROONEY
I'm Rooney.
IRANIAN WOMAN
You're tall.
Just then the lights go down.
MUSIC CUE: Rocky Theme.
CARL
(over the loudspeakers)
Announcing the pending marriage of
Peter Carlton and Lucy Giuliano!
Carl RIDES INTO THE BAR on a WHITE STALLION as WHITE BALLOONS
FALL FROM THE RAFTERS. Carl JUMPS OFF the horse, and puts a
CROWN on Peter's and a TIARA on Lucy's.
CARL (cont'd)
Congratulations on your engagement!
129.
PETER
Wow. There's a horse in here.
LUCY
Who are all these people?
CARL
I didn't have much time to throw
this together. I got a stallion,
didn't I?
LUCY
Thanks, Carl.
MUSIC CUE: The Black-Eyed Peas "My Humps"
Lucy KISSES Carl on the cheek. Everyone starts dancing.
EXT. RUDY'S
Carl's standing outside. Peter comes outside. He's drunk
and is still wearing the crown.
PETER
What're you doing out here?
Carl hands Peter a set of keys.
CARL
I entrust you to sell all my shit.
PETER
What're you talking about?
A cab PULLS UP. Peter realizes Carl's leaving.
PETER (cont'd)
Say hello to her when you see her.
Where is she by the way?
EXT. WINDY STREET IN BANGKOK - DAY
Carl's in a tuk tuk being driven at breakneck speed down the
windy streets of Bangkok.
MUSIC CUE: ABBA's "One Night in Bangkok"
130.
EXT. BANGKOK ROOF BAR - NIGHT
Carl gets up to the roof. Renee's looking out over Bangkok.
He taps her on the shoulder. She turns.
RENEE
What're you doing here?
CARL
Yes.
RENEE
I didn't ask you a question.
CARL
Well, if you do that's what my
answer will be.
RENEE
Are you here because you want to be
here?
CARL
I just flew twenty-two hours. What
do you think? Now can I please
kiss you?
Renee nods. They kiss.
INT. CARL'S MICROLOAN OFFICE
CHYRON: SOME TIME LATER
Carl has set up a makeshift loan office. He's sitting across
from a YOUNG THAI MAN.
YOUNG THAI MAN
(in Thai, with subtitles)
[I need ten thousand bhat to get my
first tuk tuk. If I get a tuk tuk
I no longer have to mop the ping
pong show floor and clean the
snake.]
CARL
(in Thai, with subtitles)
[What snake?]
YOUNG THAI MAN
(in Thai, with subtitles)
[You don't want to know.]
131.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Norman sits at the table next to
Carl working with an OLD THAI MAN.
NORMAN
(in Thai, with subtitles)
[You guys don't have Heroes? I
don't know you, but I think you
would love it.]
OLD THAI MAN
(in Thai, with subtitles)
[If I like it will you give me
money to fix my fishing boat?]
EPILOGUE: EXT. NIGERIAN PALACE
CHYRON: Makurdi, Nigeria
Carl and Renee get out a dusty minivan. A dirty, rundown
palace rises before them. Carl HEADS to the front door and
hits the BUZZER. A guard with a MACHINE GUN opens up.
MACHINE GUN GUARD
What do you want?
CARL
I'm here to see Omar. The former
King of Nigeria.
OMAR, THE FORMER KING OF NIGERIA, a large, boisterous man,
comes up from behind the guard.
OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
Is that Carl Kendall?
CARL
Omar! It's wonderful to meet you
in person
Carl and Omar hug.
OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
And this must be Renee? What a
delight!
Omar bends on one knee and kisses Renee on the hand.
RENEE
Thank you, your majesty.
OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
Please, call me Omar.
132.
CARL
I'm sorry for calling you a
masturbatory Russian teenager.
OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
Water under the bridge. What do
you say to having a feast?
Carl, Omar, Renee and the guard go into Omar's palace. The
door CLOSES BEHIND THEM.
THE END
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