FUTURAMA
Episode 403
"ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST II"
By
Lewis Morton, David X. Cohen, Jason Gorbett & Scott Kirby
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Hey TiVo! Suggest This!]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The Professor hits his What
If? machine with a hammer.]
FARNSWORTH
There. I've finished fine tuning my
What If? machine. It can answer any
What If? question, accurate to within
1/10th of a plausibility unit.
LEELA
That's so plausible I can't believe
it!
FARNSWORTH
Who wants the machine to show them an
alternate reality?
[Bender steps forward.]
BENDER
I wanna know what would happen if I
were human. I mean, being a robot's
great but we don't have emotions and
sometimes that makes me very sad.
FARNSWORTH
Oh lordy loo! There he goes again. Well,
let's give baby what he wants. What
if Bender were human?
[He pulls a string.]
[What If? Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender is strapped
to a table with the crew gathered around him.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news everyone. I've discovered
a way to make Bender human using a process
I call "reverse fossilisation."
LEELA
How does it work?
FARNSWORTH
Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh
and bone turn to minerals. Realising
that, it was a simple matter to reverse
the process. I've already tested it
by turning the toaster into a racoon.
[He puts the racoon on a table. It runs around a bit before two
slices of toast pop out of it. Fry takes a bite.]
FRY
Kinda gamey.
FARNSWORTH
Are you ready Bender?
BENDER
I dunno. I'm beginning to have second
thoughts -
[Farnsworth throws a switch and Bender is zapped with electricity
in a fashion resembling the countless Frankenstein films. He
slowly starts to take human form. He grows hair, a nose and...]
HERMES
Cover your shame mon!
[He puts some underpants on Bender. The table tips up and human
Bender walks off. Everyone gasps.]
FARNSWORTH
It worked! Eat it everyone who never
won a Nobel Prize! And that includes
you Amy!
[Amy cries. Bender looks at his new self.]
BENDER
So this is the human body huh? Neat!
Hey, my antenna's gone. Nah it just
moved. I'm not getting good reception
on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around
a little.
FRY (WHISPERING)
Bender no! You'll make God cry.
BENDER
Well lets see what kind of things thing
body can do. Hey that's pretty fun.
Being human is great!
[He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]
ZOIDBERG
Hooray, its just like Mardis Gras!
[What If? Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender walks out of the
men's room.]
BENDER
Guy guys, you've gotta see this. You're
not gonna believe it!
LEELA
Bender it's OK to be pround but don;t
be a show off.
[Bender looks Amy up and down.]
BENDER
Whoa, you look a lot better than you
used to for some reason.
AMY (SEXFULLY)
You're not so bad yourself big boy.
[She kisses him.]
BENDER
Hey that felt great! Nah its not working
anymore.
FARNSWORTH
Speak for yourself!
[What If? O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender downs a glass of beer and lights
up a cigar.]
BENDER
Whoa, this is awesome!
LEELA
Bender you drank and smoked when you
were a robot.
BENDER
But now its bad for me! Woo!
[He picks up another glass. Fry slides a box of nachos onto the
bar.]
FRY
Speaking of which, try these nachos.
[Bender tastes one and his eyes widen with delight. He starts
scoffing the rest of them.]
BENDER
Mmm, why didn't anyone tell me tasting
things tasted so good? What's going
on? That rhythm. Its doing something
to my human butt.
[He stands up and starts to dance still holding his beer, cigar
and some nachos.]
AMY
Bender, part of being human is having
self control.
BENDER
Oh my God I bet I can eat nachos and
go to the bathroom at the same time!
[He picks up the box of nachos but everyone else restrains him.]
AMY
No Bender.
HERMES
No!
LEELA
Stop him.
BENDER
Let me go.
LEELA
No.
FARNSWORTH
Come Bender, its time to go home and
rest. I need you in top shape next week
when I present you to the Nobel Prize
committee. Bender?
[Bender climbs out of a window.]
[Cut to: Street. Bender runs down the street cheering.]
BENDER (SHOUTING)
Goodbye moderation!
[What If? Bar. Bender dances with two girls to Conga still with
a glass of beer and a hot dog.]
[Cut to: Street. He walks out of D.U.I. Friday's and into Dinkin'
Donuts.]
[Time Lapse. He leaves a little while later with his arms around
two girls.]
[What If? Academy Of Science. A week later Farnsworth and the
rest of the crew are at the Nobel Prize committee for the judging.
Farnsworth is on the stage at a podium trying to buy some time
while Amy and Zoidberg sit at a table together.]
ZOIDBERG
Is Bender still missing for a week?
Where is he already?
FARNSWORTH
Uh as I've said before, I used reverse
fossilisation, which is the reverse
of regular, uh...
[He wipes his brow. Fry pokes his head out from behind a curtain.]
FRY (WHISPERING)
Psst, we found him!
FARNSWORTH
Ah, them without further stalling for
time, I present to the Nobel judges,
the first robot ever turned into a human.
[The curtain slides back. Bender is a huge fat blob. He groans.
The scientists gasp.]
WERNSTRUM
My God, he needs medical attention!
[Zoidberg scans Bender.]
ZOIDBERG
Pulse...300, liver...failing, cholesterol...40?
LEELA
Well that's not so bad.
ZOIDBERG
No I mean 40 pounds!
[Farnsworth continues but a little shaken.]
FARNSWORTH
This, uh, scientific breakthrough, uh,
heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations
yes.
[Bender groans and looks at a woman.]
BENDER
C'mere and give old Bender a kiss.
Hey, you like grilled cheese?
[He takes some grilled cheese out from under a roll of flab.]
FARNSWORTH
And, uh thats why I believe I deserve
the Nobel Prize.
WERNSTRUM
Not only do you not deserve a Nobel
Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball
on the world but you are hereby kicked
out of the Academy Of Science.
[The scientists cheer and applaud.]
BENDER
Wait. As men of science are not your
minds open to new ideas? I say, do not
judge me until you have tried my way
of life for yourselves.
[The scientists look at each other.]
WERNSTRUM
Young man, you have opened our minds
and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore
-
BENDER (SHOUTING)
Party!
[Zoidberg puts Conga on a jukebox and warbles. Enter Fry with
a keg and Amy and Hermes with food.]
FARNSWORTH
Weee!
[Time Lapse. The druken scientists are asleep and sitting around
in their underwear.]
WERNSTRUM
Bender, you were right! Truly you have
lived more in your one week of being
human than the rest of us have in our
entire lives.
BENDER
Woo!
WERNSTRUM
And so to recognise your achievements
I hereby award you the Nobel Prize......in
uh......chemistry!
[Everyone applauds.]
FARNSWORTH
Care to say a few words Bender?
[Bender doesn't. Fry moves his hand across Bender's eyes.]
FRY
He's dead.
[Everyone gasps.]
WERNSTRUM
When did he die?
[Farnsworth checks Bender's pulse.]
FARNSWORTH
About 12 hours ago when the party started.
WERNSTRUM
But he just said "Woo."
FARNSWORTH
No. That was air escaping from the folds
of his fat. Goodnight sweet prince.
You were the greatest man any of us
will ever know. Well lets get him out
of here. He's starting to smell up the
joint.
[The rest of the crew roll Bender out and woos along the way.]
NARRATOR
You watched it, you can't unwatch it.
Stay tuned for more Tales Of Interest!
[The What If? Scenario ends.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
FARNSWORTH
Who else has a question for the What
If? machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor?
FRY
Ooo I have one. I'm good at video games
and bad at everything else. That's why
I wish life were more like a video game.
FARNSWORTH
Can you put that in the form of a question?
FRY
Uh, What if that thing I said?
[Farnsworth lights a stick of incense.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh great machine we beseech thee. What
if life were more like a video game?
[What If? A video game ship flies around shoots some asteroids
like in the game Asteroids and lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Enter the crew, back from a
mission. Farnsworth and Hermes are sat on the couch watching
Nixon in the TV.]
NIXON [ON TV]
Good evening ignorant pigs. Put down
your crack pipes and you beer bongs
and pay attention as I sign a historic
peace accord with Ambassador Kong of
planet Nintendu 64.
[Donkey Kong stands next to Nixon holding a barrel over his head.]
FRY
Wait a second, I know that monkey. His
name is Donkey.
FARNSWORTH
Monkies aren't donkies! Quit messing
with my head!
[Cut to: UN Building.]
NIXON
I'll just put the old John Q. Nixon
on it. There. No major crap ups. You're
on Mr Ambassador! What the?
[Donkey Kong throws the barrel at Nixon and his jar goes flying.
Everyone gasps. Donkey Kong climbs a ladder.]
[Cut to: Outside UN Building. Donkey Kong bounces along the roof
and the floors collapse like in Donkey Kong.]
[Cut to: UN Building. Mario, the Italian representative, stands
up.]
MARIO
Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war
has rolled onto our laps and ruined
our white pants of peace!
[He runs off.]
[What If? MilAtari HQ. The crew and a miliatari guy walk down
a corridor.]
MAN
Mr Fry rumour has it you know the secrets
of the video game Chance. Please step
into the war room.
[A message on the war room door tels them they need the blue
key to enter. The man holds up the blue key and the door opens.]
[Cut to: War Room.]
MAN
You'll be meeting with General Colin
Pac-man.
PAC-MAN
Wakka wakka wakka wakka. Lets get down
to business. What can you tell us about
the Nintendians?
FRY
Well sir, I spent all of ninth grade
studying them. Except for that day when
my eyeballs started to bleed. And in
my opinion.
[A building outside explodes. Everyone gasps.]
PAC-MAN
Quickly, to the escape tunnels!
[Everyone runs off wakka-wakka-ing.]
[Cut to: Pac-man Screen.]
PAC-MAN
This way damn it!
[Zoidberg eats the pellet thingies.]
ZOIDBERG
Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmellows!
Ooo and a cherry!
[He eats it and carries on running. He starts chasing Fry.]
FRY
Hey watch out!
[He eats him.]
ZOIDBERG
Uh oh!
LEELA
Oh my god, he ate Fry! Fry is dead!
[Fry slides up behind them,]
FRY
Its OK, I had another guy!
[Everyone cheers.]
[What If? Outside Planet Express. Everyone comes out of the end
of the escape tunnel and are very tired.]
PAC-MAN
Wakka...wakka wa...
[Zoidberg coughs up five pellets, a pixelated cherry, a pixelated
pretzel and a key. A shadow creeps over them. Spaceships start
destroying buildings.]
LEELA
Invaders! Possibly from space!
[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens a window and pokes his
head out.]
LRRR
People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet
Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our
three different kinds of ships!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
FRY
Alright, its Saturday night. I have
no date, a two litre bottle of Shasta,
and my all Rush mix tape! Let's rock!
[What If? Player's Ship. Fry stands at an arcade console listening
to Rush's Tom Sawyer. He uses the console to control his ship
and attack the Space Invaders. He shoots and destroys a few ships.]
[Cut to: Lrrr's Ship.]
ND-ND
We're losing ships sir. What are your
orders?
LRRR
Increase speed, drop down and reverse
direction!
[And they do.]
[Cut to: Player's Ship. Fry gulps down some Shasta.]
FRY
I've still got a trick or two up my
sleeve. Watch as I fire up through our
own shields.
[Everyone gasps.]
BENDER
He's a madman! A madman!!
[Fry fires up through the shield and destroys several more ships.]
PAC-MAN
It's working. Victory is ensured! My
retirement tomorrow will be all the
sweeter! I'm hit! So cold!
[He folds over and dies. Enter Ms Pac-man crying.]
MS PAC-MAN (CRYING)
No - wakka wakka!
FRY
Amy, tend to the widow pac-man.
[Ms Pac-man cries and wakkas.]
[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens the window.]
LRRR
Drop down and increase speed.
[Fry destroys another ship. Only Lrrr's ship remains.]
[Cut to: Outside Player's Ship. Zoidberg looks up through the
window.]
ZOIDBERG
One ship is left only.
[Cut to: Player's Ship. Everyone cheers.]
LEELA
Come on Fry get it!
FRY [SWEATING]
It's moving too fast. Oh I could never
get the last one. My brother always
got it for me!
[Everyone screams.]
[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. His ship cuts through Fry's shields.
Lrrr opens the window.]
LRRR
Drop down, reverse direction, prepare
for landing.
[His ship lands. A caption appears. War Over. Congratulations
Enter Initials. Fry enters "ASS" and chuckles.]
[What If? Outside Planet Express. The crew are assembled outside
Lrrr's ship. Some steps come down and several arcade characters
get out along with Lrrr.]
LRRR
You are defeated. Instead of shooting
where I was you should have shot where
I was going to be.
BESERK
All your base are belong to us.
FRY
What do you monsters want?
DONKEY KONG
One thing and one thing only. Quarters!
A million allowances worth of quarters!
No slugs or tokens!
BESERK
Fork 'em over! (different tone) Fork
'em over!
FARNSWORTH
Forget it you pixelated pirates. We
need those quarters to do our laundry.
AMY
Yeah!
BENDER
Right on!
LEELA
Sure thing Professor!
LRRR
But, but space invaders need to do laundry
too! I mean look at Donkey Kong here.
Have you smelled his loincloth lately?
ZOIDBERG
Yes.
AMY
Go away. We're not giving you our quarters
no matter what.
LRRR
Well...then what if we throw our laundry
in with yours? Would that be acceptable?
FRY
I guess so.
[Lrrr takes off his cape.]
LRRR
OK then, that settles that. But if this
cape shrinks, consider your species
extinct!
NARRATOR
Bravo! That'll be hard to top! I pity
the next Tale Of Interest!
[The What If? Scenario ends.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
FARNSWORTH
Well, there's time for one last question.
Let's turn to the Who Ask machine to
see who's next.
[He turns the machine on.]
WHO ASK MACHINE
Um uh um...Amy. I mean Leela.
[Amy groans.]
LEELA
OK, ahem. As an alien who was abandoned
on Earth, I've never really belonged
anywhere.
BENDER
Boo hoo.
[She hits him on the back of the head and his eyes fly out and
hit Fry.]
FRY
Ow!
[Bender looks around for his eyes.]
BENDER
Uh...where?
LEELA
So my question is this: What if I found
my true home? Ow!
[She falls over unconcious.]
[Cut to: Leela's Dream. Everything is brown and white like in
Wizard Of Oz. Nibbler wakes up Leela who is dressed like Dorothy.
Leela looks around. She is in the Planet Express ship.]
LEELA
Where are we?
[A tornado blows around the ship outside. Scruffy, the man witch,
flies past on a broom. He laughs evily but then can't be bothered
and flies away. The ship crash lands.]
[Outside Ship. Leela climbs down the steps. The ship is on its
side.]
LEELA
Nibbler, I don't think we're in New
New York anymore. Jeez, apparently
the phrase tone it down doesn't exist
on this planet. Oh no! We hit someone!
Quick, back into the ships. Ooo, nice
boots!
[Nibbler sniffs them but recoils in horror. Enter Cubert, Dwight,
Tinny Tim, a gay Neptunian elf, a grunka-lunka and Glurmo all
dressed in weird stuff.]
CUBERT
Look everyone! She killed the man-witch
of the west!
[Everyone cheers.]
LEELA
A witch? That explains how these boots
magically appeared on my feet.
GLURMO
No, you stole them, we saw you.
LEELA
Well...its hard to find shoes that fit
me. So anyway, who are you people? Haven't
I seen you in some copyrighted movie?
GLURMO (SINGING)
We resemble but are legally distinct
from the lollipop guild, the lollipop
-
[Nibbler eats him. Enter Amy in a bubble.]
AMY
Greetings Leela, I'm The Cute With Of
The North!
LEELA
Yeah, can anyone fix my ship so I can
get home?
AMY
Abracaduh! Just ask the Professor! He
lives in the Emerald Laboratory down
Martin Luther King Boulevard.
LEELA
You mean that yellow brick road?
AMY
The city council renamed it in 1975.
(sarcastic) Ooo those are great shoes!
LEELA
Oh thank you.
AMY
Do they come in women's sizes?
[Leela presses a button on her wristamajig and the steps come
out of the ship and crush Amy.]
[Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela walks down the road and
passes a scarecrow in a field that looks like Fry. A crow lands
on some corn.]
FRY
OK crow, prepare to be scared. And
then - honk honk - the car honked it's
own horn!
LEELA
Wow, a talking scarecrow. Wanna come
with us to see the Professor? He might
be able to give you a brain.
FRY
Hey, that's not a nice thing to say.
BENDER
Beer. Beer.
LEELA
Whiskey OK?
[She pours some into his mouth, he belches fire and sets fire
to Fry's arm. Fry pats out the flames.]
BENDER
Now did you say you were off to see
the Professor? 'Cause I could use a
heart. A human heart. I need to pump
a lot of blood out of my basement.
[Enter Zoidberg in a yellow cab.]
ZOIDBERG
And I'm the other guy. Courage. Not
enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
[Time Lapse. They all skip down the yellow brick boulevard.]
[Cut to: Mom's Castle. The evil witch Mom watches it on her TV.
The TV picture goes funny and she hits the TV repeatedly.]
MOM
Damn this DSL! Fly my stupids! Fly
out and get them!
IGNER
But Mom, you promised you'd make monkey
cake today.
MOM
By "monkey cake" I meant your ass.
[She slaps them and they fly away.]
[Cut to: Martin Luther King Boulevard. The foursome are still
skipping along.]
FRY
Man, we've been skipping for hours.
I need to pull over and take the wiz.
[Walt, Larry and Igner swoop down and take Fry, Leela and Bender.]
ZOIDBERG
What do I smell or something? Oh!
[Mom's Castle.]
LEELA
Why did you bring us here?
ZOIDBERG
And why did I have to take a cab?
MOM
I'll tell you why I brought you here
you twice baked barf bag. Because I've
always wanted a daughter to love. You
want to get adopted you little skank?
LEELA
And live here? And be a witch like you?
Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt
people and not just dance around at
the equinox.
MOM
Absolutely.
LEELA
Oh mommy, I found my true home!
[They hug. Zoidberg, Fry and Bender cheer.]
BENDER
Hooray!
ZOIDBERG
All right!
FRY
That's great Leela.
BENDER
I've heard worse excuses to drink.
Oops.
[Purple smoke starts to come from Mom.]
MOM
I'm melting! Who would have thought
a small amount of liquid would ever
fall on me?
BENDER
Well, no point in letting her go to
waste.
[He pulls a straw out of his chest cavity and starts drinking
the puddle of Mom.]
[Outside The Professor's Laboratory. A cab pulls up outside the
green building which looks like the Planet Express building and
everyone gets out. Leela knocks on the door. Hermes opens a peephole.]
HERMES [FROM INSIDE]
Yes?
LEELA
We're here to see the Professor.
HERMES [FROM INSIDE]
No one sees the mighty Professor.
LEELA
Oh for the love of Benji.
[She pokes him in the eyes and opens the door. The four walk
in.]
[Cut to: The Professor's Laboratory. Farnsworth, with a big head,
stands behind a curtain.]
FARNSWORTH
I am the Professor. Great and...uh...forgetful!
Now what do you nice kids want?
ZOIDBERG
Nothing, I'm leaving. But if you have
extra courage I'd haul it away for you
maybe?
FARNSWORTH
Oh blithery poop my cowardly lobster!
You don't need courage. Afterall, who
needs courage when you have a gun?
[He hands Zoidberg a gun and he pretends to shoot it.]
ZOIDBERG
Now world, you put your hands up!
FARNSWORTH
And you lad, all you need is brain.
FRY
Why does everyone keep saying that?
[Bender takes Zoidberg's gun.]
BENDER
This is a stick up. Give me the bag
old man!
[Farnsworth chuckles.]
FARNSWORTH
Here you go my friend. 5000 Professor
Land fun bucks!
BENDER
Oh crap.
[Farnsworth turns to Leela.]
FARNSWORTH
As for you young lady, you want to go
home right?
LEELA
No not anymore. I wanna stay here and
become the new Wicked Witch.
FARNSWORTH
Nonsense. Now click your big honking
boots together three times and wish
to go home to Kansas, to live in poerty
with your dirt farming, teetotalling
aunt and uncle.
LEELA
Uh, alright. Here I go. There's no
place like - I wanna be a witch! Oh
no, help, what's happening?
ZOIDBERG
Uh sorry, I think there's a problem
with your upstairs toilet.
[Leela melts some more.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender throws a bucket
of water on her and she wakes up.]
BENDER
Wake up!
[Leela coughs and splutters.]
FRY
Leela, are you alright? You got wanged
on the head.
LEELA
I was having the most wonderful dream.
Except you were there and you were
there and you were there.
FRY
Never mind Professor, she came to.
[Enter Farnsworth with a box marked Leela's Organs.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh, so close.
[Hermes puts his hand on Farnsworth's shoulder.]
HERMES
There's always next year Professor,
there's always next year.
THE END
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