FUTURAMA
Episode 501
"CRIMES OF THE HOT"
By
Aaron Ehasz
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Known To Cause Insanity In Laboratory
Mice.]
[Planet Express: Balcony. Its a scorching hot day and the crew
are standing on the balcony in swimsuits. Leela is standing by
an empty kiddie pool.]
ZOIDBERG
Hurry up with the water, I'm steaming
in my own shell I am, it's that hot
it is!
[Leela rips open a packet of Instant Pool Water (Just Add Water
- Dead Leaves Included.)]
LEELA
Heyya!
[She empties the packet into the pool and squirts it with the
hose. The pool fills with water with dead leaves floating on
top. Enter Fry and Bender.]
FRY
Man it's hot! (different voice.) How
hot is it? (normal voice.) It's so hot
I poured McDonalds Coffee in my lap
to cool off. Jonny Carson said it.
[Nibbler starts to drink the pool water.]
LEELA
No! Nibbler, don't drink the pool water!
It's full of chlorine!
[Nibbler finishes off the water and belches a green gas - chlorine!
Everyone except Bender coughs and falls over unconcious. Bender
laughs.]
BENDER
Lightweights! Oh wait - chlorine!
[He instantly rusts and falls over.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are slouched around the
table sweating. Farnsworth is attaching an old filmstrip to Bender.]
FARNSWORTH
Perhaps this movie will help us take
our minds off the heat.
BENDER (JITTERY)
Focuuus!
[The movie is projected onto a screen with the title "Global
Warming Or: None Like It Hot."]
[In the movie a little girl called Suzie walks out of an ice
cream shop with a cone. It melts before she can take a lick.
She cries. A man laughs. The regular filmstrip narrator walks
into the frame.]
NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
You're probably wondering why your ice
cream went away. Well Suzie, the culprit
isn't foreigners, it's global warming!
SUZIE [IN MOVIE]
Gwobal wappa?
MAN [IN MOVIE.]
Uh, yeah! Meet Mr Sunbeam. He comes
all the way from the sun to visit Earth.
[As he speaks there is a scene of a sunbeam in a hat with a briefcase.
It walks from the sun to Earth and raises its hat.]
[He walks away from the Earth but is stopped by gas things.]
GAS [IN MOVIE]
Not so fast Sunbeam! We're Greenhouse
Gases! You ain't going nowhere!
[More gases arrive and they beat up Mr Sunbeam.]
MAN [IN MOVIE]
Pretty soon Earth is chock full of sunbeams......their
rotting corpses heating our atmosphere.
[The gases laugh and the scene changes to a classroom.]
SUZIE [IN MOVIE]
How do we get wid of the gweenhouse
grasses?
NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
Fortunately our handsomest politicians
came up with a cheap, last minute way
to combat global warming. Ever since
2063 we drop a giant ice cube into the
ocean every now and then.
[The movie cuts to a shot of a giant ice cube being dropped into
the ocean.]
SUZIE [IN MOVIE]
Just like Daddy puts in his drink every
morning! (sadly) And then he gets mad.
NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
Of course, since the greenhouse gases
are still building up, it takes more
and more ice each time. Thus solving
the problem once and for all.
SUZIE [IN MOVIE]
But...
[The movie quickly ends with the caption "The End."]
LEELA
Well, we just need one of those big
ice cubes. Someone should call the losers
who are supposed to deliver it. Hello?
[Nixon's head appears on the screen.]
NIXON [ON SCREEN]
President Nixon here. I'm hiring you
losers to deliver the ice. And hurry
up! I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover
trying to squeeze into a new girdle!
[He cuts off.]
FARNSWORTH
You heard the good news everyone! Save
the Earth, et cetera et cetera! Bye!
FRY
Wait! Where do we get the ice?
FARNSWORTH
The wha? Oh Halley's Comet of course.
The only sufficient source of ice cubes
that don't have bugs in them!
FRY
Wow! Mining a comet, that sounds fun!
FARNSWORTH
Yes there's no safer occupation than
mining. Especially when you're on a
snowball whipping through space at a
million miles an hour! Safe!
[Halley's Comet. The ship flies in for it's landing. It has a
giant cup tied to it. It lands. The cargo lift comes down. Bender
moves a piece of machinery off the ship and onto the comet.]
BENDER
Deploying ice drill.
[He presses a button. The machine sprouts legs and grows to the
same height as the ship. A thing comes out of the top of it.
It turns into and ice dispenser.]
FRY
Wow! That ice dispenser's so big, the
ice crushes you! Yakov Smirnov said
it!
LEELA
No he didn't.
[Bender pushes the giant cup onto the ice dispenser.]
BENDER
Activating ice drill.
[The drill drills through the surface. Only a bit of grit comes
through the dispenser.]
FRY
Oh my God! It's out of ice! Like some
outer space Motel 6!
[Leela gasps.]
LEELA
Completely out of ice?
BENDER
This could mean the end of the bana
daquiri as we know it...also life.
[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are still sweltering. On the
TV Morbo's head is inflating and deflating.]
LINDA [ON TV]
With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth
is experiencing the devastating effects
of sudden intense global warming.
MORBO [ON TV]
Morbo is pleased but sticky. The scorching
heat has melted the polar ice caps causing
floods of biblical proportions.
[The shot changes to a swamped city with an ark floating through
it.]
GAY SAILOR [ON TV]
They called me crazy for building this
ark.
MAN [ON TV]
You are crazy, you built it with same
sex animal couples!
GAY SAILOR [ON TV]
Hey! There are parts of the Bible I
like and parts I don't like.
[The shot changes to a live windmill landscape.]
MORBO [ON TV]
Direct your attention now to the African
turtles seen here migrating to cooler
homes in Holland.
[A turtle rolls onto the back of its shell and can't get up.]
BENDER (CRYING)
That poor turtle!
FRY
Bender? Are you crying?
BENDER (CRYING)
Uh no! Never!
[He wipes his eyes with windscreen wipers.]
MORBO [ON TV]
Morbo wishes these storward nomads peace
among the Dutch tulips!
LINDA [ON TV]
I'm sure those windmills will keep them
cool.
[Outside Planet Express. The crew sit on some steps. The temperature
reaches 120 Farenheit.]
BENDER
Well everybody, I just saved a turtle,
what have you done with your lives?
HERMES
You went all the way to Holland already?
[Bender points at his feet. He is wearing clogs. He dances.]
LEELA
Bender a turtle isn't yourself. Why
do you care about it?
BENDER
Because I also care deeply of things
that remind me of myself. Like poor
little Shelly here.
[He strokes the turtle.]
HERMES
What could you possibly have in common
with this walking soup mix?
BENDER
For one thing, we both have a tough
outer shell. But lead a rich, inner
life. Also...well you know...
LEELA
You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering,
chain smoking gamblers?
BENDER
No! Its just...neither of us can get
up when we get knocked on our back.
FRY
What? I've seen you get up off your
back tons of times.
BENDER
Those times I was slightly on my side.
HERMES
Interesting. Maybe we should test this
erectile disfunction of yours Bender.
[Everyone gets up and moves towards Bender.]
BENDER
Uh, that's not necessary, really! I
think I hear my factory recalling me.
[Amy crouches behind Bender and he trips over her and he and
the turtle land on their backs.]
BENDER
Oh! That's what I get for sharing my
vulnerability with you people.
[A Civil Defence van drives past.]
VAN
Calling all scientists, calling all
scientists. Be advised there will be
a worldwide conference on global warming
in Kyoto, Japan.
[A man runs to the van.]
MAN
I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine!
VAN
You've got a degree in baloney!
[The van sprays the scientist with a water cannon.]
AMY
Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist!
FARNSWORTH
Forget it, I'm not going! I have my
reasons! Shut up all of you!
HERMES
Strange. You haven't acted suspicious
since I found those "ape bones" in the
basement.
FARNSWORTH
My hip hurts! I'm in the middle of cooking
a turkey! I have warranty cards to fill
out! I'm not just making excuses! Alright
I'll go!
[Outside Conference Centre. Scientists from all over the world
arrive. Photographers take photos of them and fans in the crowd
wave papers for them to sign. Joan Rivers' Head is commentating
the star studded event.]
CROWD
Oh God I can't believe it! I love you!
[Farnsworth steps out of a limo.]
RIVERS
Oh oh! It's Hubert Farnsworth! He's
looking fab in a standard white lab
coat and dark slacks! His wristwatch
is Casio.
[Cut to: Conference Centre. The scientists are gathered in a
huge room. The Civil Defence van pulls up on the stage.]
VAN
Thank you all for coming! It is my pleasure
to introduce the host of the Kyoto Global
Warming Convention, the inventor of
the environment and First Emperor of
the Moon - Al Gore!
[Al Gore's Head in a jar rises up from the middle of the stage.]
GORE
I have ridden the mighty Moon Worm.
[The audience goes wild.]
FRY
Good for him!
GORE
My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in
my book, Earth In The Balance and the
much more popular Harry Potter And The
Balance Of Earth we need to defend our
planet against pollution. As well as
dark wizards.
[The audience cheers and a dark wizard who looks like Tim The
Enchanter from Monty Python And The Holy Grail sulks.]
DARK WIZARD
Sure! Blame the wizards!
GORE
That's why I'm offering a bag of Moon
Saphires to the scientist who can solve
this problem once and for all. Lovely
aren't they?
DARK WIZARD
Sapphires? With those I could open
the Gate Of Kerash!
GORE
First up is Professor Ogden Wernstrom.
[Wernstrom walks onto the stage.]
FARNSWORTH
Wernstrom!
WERNSTROM
Ahem. Ladies and Gentlemen. I have placed
in orbit a giant mirror that will reflect
40% of the sun's rays. Thus cooling
Earth. Observe.
[He presses a button and the roof opens up. The audience is blinded
by the sunlight. Fry starts to pant.]
[Cut to: Space Mirror. The mirror moves around and starts to
reflect the rays.]
[Cut to: Conference Centre. The room falls into shadow and Wernstrom
dusts off his hands.]
WERNSTROM
Problem solved.
[He laughs.]
[Cut to: Space Mirror. A piece of debris hits the mirror. It
starts to spin and reflects more sunlight onto the Earth in a
concentrated beam.]
[Cut to: City Street. A man shields his eyes.]
MAN
Ooo, that's a little bright.
[The sunlight scorches the street and blows the man up.]
[Cut to: Conference Centre. The sunbeam cuts its way through
the building. The audience run around panicking. Gore continues
talking.]
GORE
Alright, What else we got?
FRY
Professor, you're a Professor. You must
have some ideas.
FARNSWORTH
Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've
got nothing to hide!
GORE
Our next speaker is -
FARNSWORTH
I demand the floor!
GORE
Yes, it's your turn to speak.
FARNSWORTH
Well nuts to me. I'm taking the stage!
I know the source of the greenhouse
gases. But in my shame I've kept it
secret for 75 long years. Ohhh, it haunts
my memory still.
[He holds a ray gun up to his head.]
FRY
Professor no, don't do it!
FARNSWORTH
Don't do what? Don't use this memory
ray so I can remember what happened
back then?
[He shoots himself. A blue glow envelopes his head.]
[Flashback - 75 years ago.]
[Mom's Friendly Robot Company: Farnsworth's Lab.]
[A prototype C3PO-like robot wakes up on the table. It looks
around and sees Farnsworth.]
PROTOTYPE
Oh dear. Might I favour master with
a tender kiss on the forehead?
[It kisses Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh dear, I've failed again.
[He presses a button and the robot is crushed à la the Terminator
in The Terminator.]
PROTOTYPE
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
[Mom's Office. Mom is bashing Farnsworth's head on her desk.]
FARNSWORTH
Ooo, ouch, stop!
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth finishes making the first working robot.]
[The robot wakes up, drinks beer and belches fire.]
MOM
What was that?
FARNSWORTH
A flaming burp.
MOM
Does it always do that?
FARNSWORTH
Its not always a burp. We still have
one problem though. This robot will
never meet emission standards.
MOM
Crap spackle! We'll just call it a
sport utility robot and classify it
as a light truck!
FARNSWORTH
Well...I suppose the environment can
take one more for the team.
[He starts to clean the robot.]
[Mom lies on a table.]
MOM
Take me now you stud!
[He climbs on and they both...um. The robot carries on drinking.]
[Flashback ends.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh this is all my fault!
FRY
That's awful Professor. Especially the
making out part.
GORE
Yeah, I didn't need to hear that.
FARNSWORTH
All modern robots descend from my original
smog blasting designs. And that's the
cause of global warming today.
WERNSTROM
Uh, so the robots are to blame. As I
suspected. We are left with only one
possible course of action. Grim though
it be.
BENDER
I got a good feeling about this!
WERNSTROM
We must immediately and permanently
shut down, dismantle and destroy all
robots!
BENDER
No!
FARNSWORTH
Wait, surely there's a better -
[The Civil Defence Van interrupts him.]
VAN
The conference is over.
GORE
I must go now, to help collect cans
on Jupiter. Peace out ya'll!
[His jar sprouts rockets and he blasts off.]
AUDIENCE (CHANTING)
Destroy all robots! Destroy all robots!
AMY
Poor Bender.
FRY
Be brave my friend.
[The turtle goes into its shell. So does Bender.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is still in his body. The crew
are trying to coax him out.]
LEELA
Come on. You've got to come out of your
chest sometime. Would you do it for
a Bender snack?
[She opens it and tempts him with it. He reaches out to grab
it but the crew all grab his arm.]
FRY
Ah ha!
LEELA
Gotcha!
BENDER [FROM INSIDE]
Let me go! I don't even want the stupid
beer! Yes! You tried to trick me into
coming out of my chest. But who has
the beer now? I've got mail.
[He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out a card with
the words "It's A Party" on it.]
AMY
Ooo, it's a party. Apparently.
[Nixon's head appears in the card.]
NIXON [IN CARD]
Do you like to party? To boogie down?
Well I'm throwing an all night beach
raver for my robot pals. It all goes
down Saturday on the isolated Galapogas
Islands where there will be no escape
- from the fun! All robots must attend!
ZOIDBERG
Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward,
uncomfortabble man suddenly throw a
party? One of the most social events
imaginable. It's a trap is why! They're
going to deactivate all the robots!
I don't hear any gasping.
LEELA
We all figured that out.
ZOIDBERG
Ohh!
BENDER
Well, I'm off.
[Fry blocks the door.]
FRY
Wait. We could hide you! We'll pile
fruit on you and claim you're a bowl.
BENDER
No. I'm going to the party.
[Fry puts a banana skin on Bender's head.]
FRY
I won't let you.
BENDER
Fry, as you know, there are lots of
things I'm willing to kill for. Jewels,
vengence, Father O'Mally's weedwhacker.
But at long last I've found something
I'm willing to die for. This mindless
turtle.
FRY
Bender, this world isn't good enough
for you.
BENDER
Not even close. Goodbye everybody. Don't
touch my stuff after I'm dead! (shouting)
It's booby trapped.
[Robot Party. The robots party on a ship. Then they cross the
desert on camels. Then they swing through a jungle. Then they
go to a fair. Then they party on the Galapogas islands. Bender
looks at his turtle.]
BENDER
Poor guy. Maybe you'd feel better if
I had a drink. Crummy kegg it's completely
ta - Oh you're a robot.
KEGG
Don't stop!
BENDER
Ew!
[Nixon takes the stage.]
NIXON
Attention happenin' robots. Who's got
what it takes to party with Nixon?
You fellas enjoy yourselves for the
next two hours. And be sure not to leave
the island, uh for at least two hours!
I'm going out to pick up some smokes.
Uh really good smokes! Two hours. OK
headless body of Agnoo, lets blow this
joint!
[The body growls and carries Nixon to a helicopter. Bender watches
the helicopter fly away.]
BENDER
Nah, I'm not really in the -
[She shakes him around. Bender panics.]
[Nixon's Helicopter. It is now flying through space towards Wernstrom's
mirror.]
WERNSTROM
Per your orders I have modified my mirror
to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse
at the Galapogas. Every robot will be
instantly and painfully terminated.
Now for your part of the bargain.
NIXON
Oh, very well. Agnoo, you belong to
Wernstrom now.
[Agnoo growls.]
[Galapogas Islands. Bender is talking to his turtle.]
BENDER
I have to say goodbye now. There ain't
not turtles where daddy's a-going. (whispering)
Don't tell anybody but Nixon's about
to shut all robots off and -
[A boom mic robot hangs over Bender.]
MIC
What??
[There is bedlam with the robots.]
ROBOT #1 (SHOUTING)
We're gonna die!
ROBOT #2 (SHOUTING)
Nixon's not bringing the smokes!
[Bender takes control.]
BENDER
Shut up and pay attention to me! Bender.
Look, I love life and its pleasures
as much as anyone here, except perhaps
you Hedonismbot. But we need to be
shut off! Especially you Hendonismbot!
HEDONISMBOT
I apologise for nothing!
BENDER
We pollute too much. We're destroying
the world and killing the turtles.
PREACHERBOT
To hell with the turtles!
BENDER
No one insults the turtles!
[He punches Preacherbot.]
PREACHERBOT
Oh mercy.
[He pulls out a knife and he and Bender fight.]
HEDONISMBOT
Let the games begin!
[It chuckles. The Planet Express ship flies in and lands. Fry
and Leela carry the Professor out and stand him in front of the
microphone on the stage.]
FARNSWORTH
Everyone listen!
[The robots stop fighting. Bender punches Preacherbot again.
He falls over.]
PREACHERBOT
Aw damn!
FARNSWORTH
I've devised a way to save you and to
stop global warming at the same time!
Granted you're all blasting out greenhouse
gases.
BENDER
You're one to talk!
[Preacherbot hits him with a chair. He falls over onto his back.
He tries to get up but can't.]
FARNSWORTH
But we can use those very gases to save
the planet. If you all vent your exhaust
directly upward in one burst it should
thrust the Earth further from the sun,
thus cooling it. By my calculations
we'll need the full force of every last
robot. So quickly, everyone point your
exhaust vents straight upwards. Now
vent! Vent like the wind! Harder! Harder!
FRY
Why isn't this working?!
LEELA
Some lazy or polite robot is holding
it in.
[Bender is still on his back, unable to vent.]
BENDER
Help! Help!!
[Cut to: Nixon's Helicopter. Wernstrom is turning the mirror
towards the robots.]
[Cut to: Galapogas Islands. The robots continue to vent but to
no avail.]
FARNSWORTH
A billion robot lives are about to be
extinguished! Oh the Jedi's are going
to feel this one!
[Bender and the turtle are still on their backs.]
BENDER
I'm sorry buddy. At least we'll die
on our backs, helpless. Huh? What the
hell are you doing? Hey are you trying
to make me look bad? Ah ha! I'm even
greater than I thought I was! And now
to fullfill my destiny.
[He stands on his hands and vents. The flame grows bigger and
the Earth moves.]
[Nixon's Helicopter.]
NIXON
Fire!! What the??
WERNSTROM
We missed.
[Agnoo growls.]
[Galapogas Islands. The skies have cleared and the crew are standing
on the stage. Nixon is with them.]
NIXON
Professor, for saving the Earth and
foiling me, I proudly, yet angrily,
present you with Earth's new highest
honour: The Polluting Medal Of Pollution.
[He hangs the medal around Farnsworth. The industrial chimneys
on the medal blow smoke in Farnsworth's face making him cough.]
FARNSWORTH
Thank you. I deserve this!
[The robots cheer.]
BENDER
Hey Professor! Now that the Earth's
orbit is further from the sun won't
that make the year longer?
FARNSWORTH
Why yes! One week longer to be exact.
NIXON
In that case I hereby declare it Robot
Party Week!
[The robots cheer and dance to Buster Poindexter and his Banshees
Of Blue's Hot Hot Hot. Then they vent.]
THE END
|
