FUTURAMA
Episode 507
"TEENAGE MUTANT LEELA'S HURDLES"
By
Jeff Westbrook
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Now Interactive! Joystick Controls
Fry's Left Ear!]
[Outside Planet Express. It is a calm and peaceful day. Suddenly
a huge gargoyle crashes through the Planet Express roof and flies
away.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth shakes his fist.]
FARNSWORTH
Pazuzu you ungrateful gargoyle! I put
you through college and this is how
you repay me?
[Pizzuzu poos on him.]
[Ship's Cockpit. The Professor is dressed in a long coat, a scarf
and driving goggles. He puts on some driving gloves.]
FARNSWORTH
Let's get this gargoyle hunt on the
road. Driving gloves, driving goggles.
Driving thong. There.
[He sits down in the pilot's seat.]
LEELA
Uh, maybe I should drive.
[Farnsworth chcukles.]
FARNSWORTH
You? A woman? I'm trying to catch a
monster not find the quickest route
to the mall! Let me just adjust the
seat.
[He pulls a lever and the seat moves forward until his face is
pressed up against the windscreen. He starts the engine and the
ship shakes.]
FRY
My God, he's gonna do it! Everybody,
seatbelts to maximum buckling.
[The seatbelts completely cover them. Bender takes out a nail
gun and nails himself to the wall. The ship takes off.]
[Outside Ship. The ship joins a space road flying very slowly
and causes huge tailbacks.]
[Randy pulls up alongside him.]
RANDY [FROM HIS CAR]
Hey grandpa, move your wrinkly old kiester!
[He drives away. Farnsworth takes a little time to react.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
LEELA
For heaven's gate Professor this ship
can do 99% light speed. Why are we going
at 35 miles an hour?
FARNSWORTH
Because we're in a hurry that's why.
LEELA
Plus you have the highbeams on!
[Cut to: Outside Ship. The highbeams point at a roadsign directing
drivers to the eastern half of the universe.]
[Outside Gummer's Cafeteria. Farnsworth lands the ship in the
car park of the Florida driving cafe and they get out.]
BENDER
Yo, Captain Cateracts, what are we doing
here?
FARNSWORTH
Oh it's 2:30, we can still catch the
early bird dinner special.
FRY
Uh, aren't we looking for your gargoyle?
FARNSWORTH
My wha?
[Gummer's Cafeteria. Farnsworth orders.]
FARNSWORTH
Hello Mavis! Surprised to see me back
again so soon?
WANDA
Mavis is dead.
FARNSWORTH
I expect you'll want to see my angry
crotchety grandpa discount card!
[He hands her a card. She reads it.]
WANDA
Sir this card is expired.
FARNSWORTH
But it's good for a lifetime.
WANDA
Well yours expired.
[Cut to: Table. Farnsworth sits down. Fry, Leela and Bender are
already eating. Farnsworth gets out his teeth and puts them on
the table. Leela covers her eyes in disbelief.]
LEELA
Oh Lord! Teeth do not belong in your
pants Professor.
FARNSWORTH
Well I can't keep them in my mouth.
They're nuclear powered!
[He presses a button on a remote control and the teeth start
chomping his food. They bite Fry.]
FRY
Ow! It bit me!
[The teeth start chomping very quickly.]
LEELA
No! No! It's tasted human blood!
[The teeth start flying around the room, biting at people. Farnsworth
slurps his slop through a straw.]
FARNSWORTH
Mmm! Damn good meat!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth sits asleep at
the desk, snoring. Enter the crew.]
LEELA
Professor we've talked it over and everyone
thinks you're too old.
AMY
Right on.
FRY
Yup.
BENDER
Uh huh!
HERMES
We've decided to do the merciful thing
and have you Youthasized.
FARNSWORTH
Dear God no!
AMY
Oh relax Professor. Youthasizing is
a trendy new spa treatment, its this
seasons shark cartilage enema.
FARNSWORTH
But I like being old. I don't have to
talk to my parents, no one asks me to
help move their stuff, I don't need
to understand today's "edgy TV sitcoms."
LEELA
OK OK, we're not gonna force you until
I've finished this sentence. Get him!
[The crew grab Farnsworth. He screams. They carry him out.]
FARNSWORTH
My thong!
[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Entrance. Enter a Neptunian
woman named Heather.]
HEATHER
Hi, I'm Heather your personal Youthasizer!
Lets get started with a nice botulism
treatment shall we?
FARNSWORTH
Go to hell Heather!
HEATHER
Oh! In small doses botchelism toxin
tightens and tones the facial muscles
instead of killing you in the most horrible
fashion imaginable.
[She injects it into him and his face tightens.]
FARNSWORTH
Give me back my floppy face!
[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Massage Parlour. A pink tentacled
thing massages Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
Careful with the giblets!
HEATHER
Hmm, you're still retaining a lot of
grump in these joints. More pressure.
[It applies more pressure and Farnsworth's skin oozes off the
table.]
FARNSWORTH
Ahh!
[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Tar Pits. Heather scans Farnsworth
with an age scanner.]
HEATHER
Since this is such a serious case of
old, we'll have to try our strongest
treatment. A soothing full body bath
in searing hot tar. Sir, its not neccesary
or wise to be naked.
FARNSWORTH
You sound just like my tennis instructor.
[He climbs into the tar.]
HEATHER
The tar blisters the age right out of
the body in what top scientists suspect
is a miracle.
[She pumps more tar into the bath. Farnsworth gets up.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh I don't have time for this. I have
to go and buy a single piece of fruit
with a coupon and then return it, making
people wait behind me while I complain.
FRY
He still sounds sorta old. Sorta real
old.
[Bender pushes Heather away from the pump and rolls up his sleeves.]
BENDER
Step aside lady. Like everything else
in life, pumping is just a primative
degenerate form of bending. (mean voice)
C'mon Bender pump harder! Harder! (weak
voice) I'm trying as hard as I can.
(mean voice) Harder damn you!
[The ground beneath the crew starts to crack and the tar and
Farnsworth fly into the air. The ground gives way and the crew
slide into the pit. The tar lands back on top of them and covers
them. They climb out as blackened figures. Farnsworth takes a
towel from Heather and wipes the tar away. He now has a full
head of hair and his wrinkles are gone.]
FARNSWORTH
Well that was an utter waste of time.
[The crew gasp.]
AMY
Professor it worked! You look young
enough to be my father!
FARNSWORTH
Poodlespit! 53 years old? Now I'll
need a fake ID to rent ultra-porn.
[Fry talks but his voice is strangely squeaky.]
FRY
This is great Professor! We should go
out and celebrate!
[He wipes the tar away from his face. He is younger. Heather
scans him. He is 14. The entire crew is younger. Amy is fat and
Hermes has an afro.]
FARNSWORTH
Dear Lord, you've all reverted to your
childhood forms!
[Zoidberg is very small and crawls along the ground.]
ZOIDBERG
Hooray! I'm a teenage hearthrob again!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
FARNSWORTH
While I try to restore our normal ages,
I expect you all to go about your jobs
like normal professionals.
[Someone fires a spit ball at him. They laugh.]
HERMES
It wasn't me Mr F, it was Amy! Stop
it Amy!
AMY
You stink!
[She feebly hits him.]
HERMES
You know you did it!
[The kids start arguing.]
FARNSWORTH
Quiet! Quiet I say!
[He presses a button and a holographic mushroom cloud appears
in the middle of the table. Enter LaBarbara and Dwight.]
LABARBARA
We're here to take my little stub of
a husband home. Hermes, say goodbye
to Mr Farnsworth.
HERMES
Goodbye Mr Dumbsworth!
[He and Dwight laugh.]
LEELA
Hey, this my chance to spend time with
my parents too!
FRY
But your parents are gross sewer mutants.
[A huge spit ball hits him and knocks him off his chair. Bender
laughs.]
LEELA
When I was an orphan I always wished
I could grow up with my mom and dad.
And now, thanks to being hurled backwards
through time -
FARNSWORTH
That's not what happened! Shut up and
go live with your parents.
[Outside Planet Express. Leela walks out of the building with
a backpack and opens a manhole cover. She climbs down the ladder.]
[Cut to: Sewer. She climbs down.]
[Turanga House: Living Room. Leela is with her parents.]
LEELA
It's gonna be totally awesome mom! You
and me can bake and argue about my hairstyle
hiding my pretty face. And if some kid
picks on me, my dad can beat up his
dad.
MORRIS
Can't I just beat up the kid?
[He chuckles.]
MUNDA
Well OK Leela, if you think you can
put up with your father, welcome home.
We'll try to respect your independence
and your freedom.
LEELA
No! I want the real teen experience!
Chores, curfew, the works!
MORRIS
Fine Leela we'll be the strictest parents
ever. Now, lets all have some tequila
to celebrate!
LEELA
Dad I'm underage!
MORRIS
Oh right. Here's a silly straw.
[He puts the straw in the bottle.]
[Wong Ranch: Amy's Bedroom. Amy sits in bed. Leo and Inez sit
on the end.]
MRS WONG
Oh my Amy's sweet little girl again.
This like a mother's dream. Bad dream
that is! At this rate I'm never going
to get a grandchild!
MR WONG
Maybe she not grown up but she sure
grown out! She fat!
AMY
Dad, if you're gonna make fat jokes
until I get cute again I'm just gonna
stay in my room.
MR WONG
Stay in room? You so fat you gonna stay
all around room!
[He chuckles.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
FARNSWORTH
I've got to find a way to escape the
horrible ravages of youth! Suddenly
I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork
every three hours! And those jerks at
social security stopped sending me cheques!
Now I have to pay them!
BENDER
I'm tired of your yapping. All you
ever do is complain, you never try to
make things better. Well I'm running
away from this dead end family! I know
there's a place for people like me with
new ideas. There has to be!
FARNSWORTH
Fine, get going!
BENDER
Oh I'm going! You're gonna be all "Where's
Bender? I miss Bender!"
FARNSWORTH
We won't know that until you leave.
BENDER
Oh, I'm leaving!
FARNSWORTH
There's the door.
[Bender thinks for a moment.]
BENDER
I'll be good.
[Turanga House: Living Room. Munda sweeps white flakes off the
sofa.]
MUNDA
Ah, do you have to shed your skin on
the couch? What do we live in, a zoo?
[The doorbell rings.]
MORRIS
I'm getting the doorbell. For me?
[He chuckles.]
FRY
Oh, hello sir. It's a lovely evening
you have tonight. Um I'm here to pick
up your daughter.
[Leela comes down the stairs wearing a dress. She has a bow in
her hair.]
LEELA
Hi Fry! I like your blazer.
FRY
Thanks. These aren't pockets they're
just flaps. I put my money in my sock.
[They laugh.]
MUNDA
So, where are you taking my daughter
tonight?
FRY
A movie. A movie ma'am.
[He winks at Leela and she smiles.]
MORRIS
Well whatever you're really doing, don't
wake us if you get in after 12.
LEELA
Dad, you're being too leaneant again!
I have to be back by 11.
MUNDA
OK OK you're the boss!
LEELA
No I'm not!
[Outside Stenchy's. At the mutant cafe Fry and Leela sit in a
car looking at the menus.]
FRY
I'd like a sewer burger but without
the rat feces.
LEELA
What are you on a diet?
[A car pulls up beside them with a guy with moose antlers in
his head and a girl with eyes on stalks.]
MOOSE
Uh Leela you look hot!
MANDY
Jeez Moose, just dump me right in front
of her why don't you!
LEELA
Moose, Mandy, this is my friend Fry
- from the surface!
MANDY
Oh so this is the famous Fry! What is
he like the biggest loser on the surface
so he has to hang out in the sewer?
FRY (WHISPERING)
They're onto me.
LEELA
Hey come on, let's act like grown ups
here! Wanna race?
MOOSE
Uh yeah!
[They pulls away from Stenchy's and start racing through the
sewer tunnels. Fry and Leela are lagging behind. Fry shuffles
up to Leela and tries to put his arm around her but the car jerks
and he falls over.]
[Cut to: Sewage Treatment Plant. Sal puts something in the tanks.]
SAL
Theres. The worlds drinkings water is
safes for another days. Whoas! Cripe!
[Cut to: Sewers. The cars scrape the sides of the tunnel and
make sparks. Leela comes alongside Moose. They come to an open
area of the sewer and a huge tapeworm comes out of the water.]
LEELA
A tapeworm!
[She and Fry scream and head off down a different tunnel to Moose
and Mandy.]
FRY
We missed the turn, we'll never catch
them.
LEELA
Yes we will. This sewer goes right under
Planet Express and its's 9pm!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The toilet flushes.]
[Cut to: Sewer. Sewer water floods in behind Fry and Leela and
the wave pushes them faster. Fry screams. At the finish line
Moose and Mandy are just about to cross it when Fry and Leela
fly through and cut the tape first. The crowd and Fry and Leela
cheer.]
FRY
Yeah!
LEELA
All right!
[The car keeps going.]
FRY
Leela you can stop winning now, we won!
LEELA
I'm too short to reach the handbrake!
[The car crashes into the school.]
[Cut to: Classroom. Dwayne sits at a desk in amongst the rubble
and turns to Leela.]
DWAYNE
That's detention!
[Planet Express: Room. Fry recounts his story to Bender.]
FRY
And then, and then, this giant tapeworm
tried to play us for chumps but we like
totally dissed Moose!
[Farnsworth strokes the antlers of a moose on the wall.]
FARNSWORTH
Yes, I'd like to meet this "moose."
But in the meantime I have good news.
I may have solved our age problem.
FRY
Yay!
[Farnsworth presses a button and a holographic strand of DNA
appears.]
FARNSWORTH
It seems the Youthasizer tar was saturated
with time-altering chronitons. A thin
layer is still stuck to our DNA as well
as Bender's Robot DNA or "RNA."
BENDER
Question.
FARNSWORTH
Yes?
BENDER
You stink!
[He laughs.]
FARNSWORTH
Yes yes. Anyhow I've designed an oil
eating bacterium that should take the
tar right off.
FRY
C'mon! Lets go tell Leela so we can
grow up together!
[Bender makes kissy smoochy noise. Fry frowns.]
[Turanga House: Living Room.]
LEELA
Thanks Professor but I don't want the
treatment.
FARNSWORTH
Don't you understand you little nitwit?
Unless you're treated soon, the only
way to restore your true age would be
to grow into it! Just as God intended.
MUNDA
He has a point honey. What about your
job and your friends? Do you really
want to abandon your old life?
LEELA
My old life wasn't as glamourous as
my webpage made it look. All I ever
wanted was to grow up here. With you.
Please?
MUNDA
Well if it's what you really want.
LEELA
It is. I know it is.
[Fry looks down sadly.]
FRY
I'll miss you Leela. I'll come ack and
visit when I'm all grown up.
LEELA (WHISPERING)
Bring beer.
MORRIS
No beer 'til you finish your tequila!
[Planet Express: Hangar. The Professor has set up a huge green
chamber.]
[Everyone cheers and runs in.]
AMY
Let's go!
[Farnsworth closes the door.]
[Cut to: Bacterial Spew Chamber.]
FARNSWORTH
Initiating controlled infection.
[He pulls a switch and the spew chamber coughs. The room fills
with a cloud.]
ZOIDBERG
I'm no doctor but this machine guy could
use a lozenge.
[The cloud clears. The crew are even younger.]
AMY
Aw poo! We're even younger!
[Farnsworth scans himself. 37.5. 37.4. 37.3. He is still decreasing
in age.]
FARNSWORTH
Damn! the bacteria pigged out on the
tar and now they're getting freaky deaky,
spreading chronitons throughout our
systems. We're getting younger by the
minute!
[The crew gasp.]
ZOIDBERG
What I'm going to revrt through all
my larval stages?
[He changes shape.]
FARNSWORTH
Word! We'll all keep getting younger
and younger until we suffer a fate worse
than death - pre-life! Then death.
[Zoidberg reverts to a shell.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth Lab. Farnsworth scans Amy with the
scanner. She is about 8.]
FARNSWORTH
I've got to stop this reverse aging
before we all shrivel up and suffer
the agony of unbirth. Think you disco
duck think!
AMY
What's that squirming under your shirt?
[Farnsworth opens his shirt. Zoidberg has reverted to a lamprey
and is attached to his chest.]
FARNSWORTH
Get off me you parasitic lamprey!
ZOIDBERG
Oh sure like you need all your blood.
[Farnsworth knocks him off and he woops around the floor. The
kids scream.]
FARNSWORTH
Would you all chill! I can't think with
you kids cramping my style! Oh I need
a babysitter!
[Turanga House: Leela's Bedroom. Leela is the kids' new babysitter.
They jump up and down on the bed.]
LEELA
OK, quiet time. I know, everyone pretend
to THING TO CHECK your tongue and I'll
read you a story.
[Zoidberg is on the floor and has turned into a spiky thing.]
ZOIDBERG
I can't see from down here I can't.
[Leela sticks him to the wall.]
LEELA
There. Todays story is from New Teen
magazine. What would you rather hear
about? Four legged Chachi or tentacled
Chachi?
FRY
I wanna hear a space story!
[He holds up a book called A Child's Garden Of Space Legends.]
LEELA
It's kind of a baby book. But OK. Let's
see. Snow White Dwarf And The Seven
Red Dwarves, Charlotte's Tholian Web,
The Fountain Of Aging.
[She closes the book and gasps.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela talks to Farnsworth
on the videophone.]
FARNSWORTH
The Fountain Of Aging? Hmm, it is just
a legend. Still, they called the Tooth
Fairy a legend and now it's head of
the FBI.
[Turanga House: Living Room. Farnsworth - now de-aged even more
- knocks on the door. Morris answers.]
FARNSWORTH
Sup? Kids ready?
[The kids run out screaming. Fry hugs Farnsworth's leg.]
FRY
Professy's back! Eww, you smell like
smoking. And drinking.
FARNSWORTH
I had a few beers but I'm cool to drive.
LEELA
I wish I could come with you to say
goodbye, before you all turn back in
to grown ups but I'm grounded for knocking
the school over.
MUNDA
Who cares Leela? It was just a public
school. Now go with your friends, please.
LEELA
No! A grounded teenager must be confined
to her room!
[Outside Turanga House. Leela opens her bedroom window and starts
climbing out.]
LEELA
...until she sneaks out!
[She climbs out and starts up the ladder after the others.]
BENDER
When I grow up I wanna be a steam shovel!
[Ship's Cockpit. The kids - now even younger - have disassembled
Bender and are playing with his pieces. A geeky looking Professor
flies the ship. Leela reads the book.]
LEELA
According to this, the fountain is located
within the darkest, most ancient region
of space, just past teddybear junction.
FARNSWORTH
Teddybear junction, the worst scum hole
in the galaxy.
[Time Lapse. The ship flies into a solar system full of old planets.]
FARNSWORTH
This solar system is like way old.
LEELA
Look how high the asteroid belt is pulled
up on that planet.
FARNSWORTH
Newsflash! Everything's getting older
the closer we get to that sun!
LEELA
Dude, the Fountain Of Aging must be
on the sun itself!
FARNSWORTH
Shut up! I was gonna say that!
[The ship lands next to a swirling blue whirlpool - The Fountain
Of Aging.]
[Outside Ship. Leela wheels the kids off the cargo ramp in a
trolley. They are really young.]
LEELA
We've got to hurry. The kids have only
one change of pants!
[Farnsworth puts Zoidberg at the side of the fountain.]
FARNSWORTH
We gotta be real real careful to stay
in just long enough to make us our right
ages again.
[Zoidberg falls in and rapidly ages.]
FARNSWORTH
Zoidberg! Get out of there!
ZOIDBERG
The current, its too much already! Help!
[Zoidberg gets closer to the surface, turns grey, cracks, breaks
up and dies like that bloke in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade.
The babies cry.]
FARNSWORTH
Jeepers!
LEELA
Zoidberg is dead!
ZOIDBERG
No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! funny
story. I just reverted to the age where
my siblings budded from me and my brother
Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.
SIBLING
He always had to be the centre of attention!
[The other siblings agree.]
LEELA
Oh no! Quick! Get them into the fountain!
[Farnsworth gathers them up and goes down the steps.]
FARNSWORTH
Thanks for the help Weewa. Once we're
gwown up you can go back to your famiwy.
We'wl never bother you again.
LEELA
You can bother me a little.
[Farnsworth climbs in and they age rapidly.]
FARNSWORTH
It's working! Hooray! I can't hold
on!
[He lets go and the whirlpool catches him.]
LEELA
I'm coming in after you!
[She ties a baby blanket around her waist.]
FARNSWORTH
No Leela! You can't give up your childhood!
You'll never have another chance at
it!
[Leela thinks about it then jumps in. she reaches out to Fry
and grabs his hand. the others grab on to him. they climb out
at the side, their ages fully restored.]
FRY
We did it! We're the right ages again!
LEELA
I think I might be a couple years younger.
AMY
Oh, me too!
[She winks at Leela.]
LEELA
He's too far out! We can't reach him!
HERMES
Are you back to your original age Professor?
[Farnsworth scans himself.]
FARNSWORTH
Even older! Huzzah!
[He cheers and his bones break.]
FRY
I'm sorry you had to give up being a
kid Leela.
LEELA
Well, I guess ever adult wants to be
a kid sometimes. But I worked hard to
be the person I am!
FRY
The fabulous person!
LEELA
With friends like you guys -
FRY
Fabulous friends!
[He hugs her and Bender.]
LEELA
And I'm really happy I have that life
back.
[Farnsworth pats the gargoyle.]
FARNSWORTH
And you my faithful fiend! How can I
ever repay you?
[Cut to: Paris. the gargoyles sit on the roof of Notre Dame.]
THE END
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