FUTURAMA
Episode 307
"THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STUPID"
By
Jeff Westbrook & David X. Cohen
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: 80% Entertainment By Volume.]
[A planet, Tweenis 12 hangs in the void of space. Glowing cracks
start to appear on the surface. There are several explosions
and the planet explodes, the shockwave and debris flying out
in all directions. A group of glowing, flying brains fly away
from what is left of the planet. A caption tells us Tweenis 12
was one day's brain flight from Earth.]
[Madison Cube Garden. The Planet Express staff are at a pet show.
There are stalls selling cream, Soylent Chow, Kibbles 'n' Snouts
and flea collars for giant fleas. Leela carries Nibbler and a
big purple bag over her shoulder.]
AMY
Is Nibbler stoked for the big pet show?
LEELA
He ought to be with all the strict training
I've been putting him through. Nibbler:
Roll over and you get a ham. Roll over.
Roll over for the ham. You are so adorable!
Who wants a ham?
[He takes it and swallows it whole. Farnsworth reads a pamphlet.]
FARNSWORTH
Zooka barooka! First prize is $500 and
a year's supply of dog food!
BENDER
"$500", you say?
ZOIDBERG
"Dog food", you say?
[He licks his tendrils.]
[Time Lapse. The sheep herding trial has begun. A collie herds
four sheep into a pen and the staff watch from the bleachers.]
FRY
Man, that's dog's gonna be hard to beat.
Look at him bring in the sheep! One
sheep, two sheep......three sheep.
[He falls asleep on Farnsworth's shoulder. Farnsworth carries
on eating his popcorn.]
LEELA
The dog's good, but our real competition
is the Hypno-Toad. Your turn, Nibbler,
honey. Herd those sheep!
[Nibbler scurries towards the bleating sheep and the crew eagerly
watch.]
AMY
Come on, Nibbler!
[They cringe as Nibbler eats the sheep. He coughs up the bells.]
BENDER
Ma'am, I have a late entry. My hard-shelled
wooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg.
[He whips Zoidberg and he woops. He whips him again and Zoidberg
woops and waves his claws in the air.]
[Time Lapse. The crowds cheer for Zoidberg and Bender. Zoidberg
scurries through a tunnel with Bender whipping him as he goes.]
BENDER
Faster! Faster.
[Zoidberg woops. He comes out of the tunnel, jumps on to a balance
beam and somersaults across it. Bender hits him again.]
ZOIDBERG
Ow!
BENDER
Suck in that gut! You wanna be spayed?
[Time Lapse. Zoidberg stands on a table and a judge inspects
him. He looks in his mouth and then tickles his arm. Zoidberg
laughs.]
BENDER
Silence, you cur! Puff out that brisket!
[Time Lapse. Zoidberg does a Spanish flamenco for the judges
in the talnt competition and Bender watches from ringside.]
BENDER
I should be weeping! I'm not weeping!
[He chases Zoidberg and the judges look at each other and shrug.]
[Time Lapse. Fry, Amy and Farnsworth wander around the rest of
the arena and pass Glab with a unicorn-cat. Fry sees what looks
like an invisible-dog-leash and laughs.]
FRY
I love these things!
[It's a real invisible dog and it bites Fry's ankle. He screams.
Nibbler is being inspected by the judge.]
LEELA
Shake paws, Nibbler. Come on, shake.
He might be a little hungry. Shake,
boy. Usually he's had more ham by now.
Shake!
[Nibbler chirps and sees a kid with a pig-shaped balloon. He
licks his lips and jumps onto the balloon, biting into it. It
bursts and flies towards the ceiling. Nibbler falls from it and
lands in a bowl of cream. The cream splashes over people and
cats jump on them, making the people scream.]
[Time Lapse. The awards ceremony begins.]
JUDGE #1
Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea
pigs, goes to Dave Spiegel and his owner,
Fluffers. Second prize, this lovely
afghan made from an Afghan, goes to
Bender and his wooping terrier.
BENDER
Second place? That's a fancy word for
losing. You didn't stick your landing!
ZOIDBERG
Forgive me, my friend.
BENDER
Never!
[He whips him again.]
JUDGE #1
And before we announce the winner we
have a special award for a first-time
contestant: Miss Leela and her mystery
pet, Nibbler!
[Leela gasps. The crowd applauds.]
LEELA
Me? Award? Him? Me? Good?
JUDGE #1
That's just the kind of eloquence you'd
expect from the owner of Dumbest Pet
in Show. And the grand prize winner......the
Hypno-Toad. All glory to the Hypno-Toad.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff are sat around
the conference table. Nibbler is asleep in Leela's arms. She
sighs.]
LEELA
Maybe they're right. Maybe Nibbler is
dumb.
FRY
Don't listen to them, Leela. People
said I was dumb, but I proved them.
[Enter Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news, everyone. We were supposed
to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis
12 but it's been completely destroyed.
LEELA
Why is that good news?
FARNSWORTH
They paid in advance.
[Comic twang. Bender bangs his chest.]
BENDER
Excuse me.
HERMES
This is mighty strange. First, the
civilisation Space Rome collapsed, then
Don Martin 3 went caflooie and now Tweenis
12.
[The three holographic planets are replaced with red X's.]
FRY
Looks like this planet is next in line.
LEELA
That's Earth. The planet we live on.
FRY
I'd hate to be those guys.
[Nibbler starts sniffing. He jumps off Leela's lap and starts
whimpering.]
HERMES
What's got into him? He's twitching
like Zoidberg when someone mentions
the word "food".
ZOIDBERG
What now?
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Nibbler jumps out of a window.]
LEELA
(shouting) No! Nibbler, come back!
[Alley. Night has fallen. Leela enters the alley carrying another
joint.]
LEELA
Too bad Nibbler's not around. I guess
I'll have to eat this raw, dripping
ham by myself. Nibbler? Nibbler, you're
scaring me. Nibbler?! Am I going crazy?
Have my years of wild hedonism finally
caught up with me? Nibbler, help! Don't
leave me here. Uh, Nibbler? Could you
scooch the seat up just a little bit?
[The next morning, the brains fly over New New York, turning
buildings a glowing blue with some weird rays. Seven brains converge
on the Planet Express building and turn it blue.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits on the couch mumbling
and the room glows blue around him. Enter Fry.]
FRY
Leela back yet?
BENDER
Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating!
FRY
You don't have a heart; you're a robot.
BENDER
Sure...right. Robot! Oh, Fry! My skin's
all dry and clanky.
FRY
Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal.
BENDER
Am I a robot?
FRY
Bender, if this is some kind of scam,
I don't get it. You already have my
power of attorney.
[He walks off towards the meeting room.]
BENDER
Fry! My skin!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth has his head between
the balls of a Newton's Cradle.]
FARNSWORTH
Ow. Ow. Ow. I'm a genius. Ow. Ow.
[Fry leaves without saying anything.]
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg is crouched on the
examination table. He sticks one of his tendrils out and trys
to clack it with is claw. Enter Fry.]
FRY
Dr. Zoidberg? Why is everyone acting
so weird?
ZOIDBERG
Zoidy want balloon! Want balloon now!
Zoidy want go outside!
FRY
(angry) I just let you back in!
[Nibbler's Ship. The ship flies through the vacuum of space.
The ship is so small that Leela is squashed into the back. The
whole top section is a transparent dome. Part of Leela's ponytail
is caught in it and it blows in the wind outside.]
LEELA
This is unbelievable. I thought you
were a furry little moron. But here
you are flying an adorable spaceship.
If only you could talk. Wait! I understood
that! You say you're transmitting your
thoughts directly to my brain. You
say those awful flying brains are making
everyone on Earth stupid? Oh, stupider.
And you go on to say that we're headed
for your home planet where your race
has lived since the beginning of the
universe? So, how did the universe
begin? Then the meaning of existence...?
So every religion is wrong!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes stands in the emergency
chemical burn shoulder with his mouth wide open, letting the
water run into it. The door is open and there is a puddle of
water on the floor. Fry closes his mouth and pushes his head
forward.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender, Zoidberg, Amy and Farnsworth
stare open-mouthed at the TV. The TV that isn't on. Fry sits
on the couch and turns it on. Morbo spins around in his chair
and Linda watches. He falls off and she laughs.]
LINDA
You fell! Hi! Today, some bad things
happened. One bad things was a train
got crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see?
People won't be late for work though,
because the governer lady says, (deeper
voice) "I'm sending in more trains!"
[A train crashes into the wreckage and commuters run onto it.]
WOMAN
Go!
MAN
Wait for me! Wait for me!
[The picture returns to the studio.]
MORBO
Morbo can't understand his TelePrompTer.
He forgot how you say that letter that
looks like a man with a hat.
LINDA
It's a "T". It goes "tuh".
MORBO
Hello, little man. I will destroy you!
[Fry turns the TV off.]
FRY
Man, even the news monster is acting
strange. What are we gonna do?
FARNSWORTH
Duh, I know! Let's play the lottery!
AMY
No. Let's buy internet stock!
ZOIDBERG
On margin! Zoidy wanna buy on margin!
[Hermes is wrapped in a towel on the other side of the room and
holds a piece of wood in front of his face.]
HERMES
Look at me! I'm invisible!
FRY
Wait a minute! I know what's going on
here. You've all become idiots!
BENDER
Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!
[Everyone cheers.]
HERMES
Oh, yeah!
[They run out.]
[Nibbler's ship flies towards a planet called Planet Eternium
which lies at the exact centre of the universe. The continents
are shaped like love hearts. It lands outside a building called
the Hall of Forever, ten miles west of the exact centre of the
universe. The main part of the building is a dome with an eyestalk
on top of it. Either side of the dome are two "Rosetta Stone"
obelisks with both alien languages carved onto them.]
[Hall of Forever. Nine of Nibbler's race sit on raised chairs
in a dark chamber. Enter Nibbler and Leela.]
KEN
Welcome back, Lord Nibbler, Ambassador
to Earth, homeworld of the pizza bagel.
[Nibbler speaks plain English with a deep voice.]
NIBBLER
Thank you. I bear many receipts for
reimbursement.
FIONA
The four welcomes of friendship to you
as well, Leela. We shall manipulate
your mind so we appear to be speaking
your language. Do not be afraid, my
child.
[She pulls the hood of her robe off her head. Her eyestalk has
a little orange bow tied around it.]
LEELA
I'm not afraid.
FIONA
Uh, good. Good.
LEELA
So, your real name is Lord Nibbler?
That's a coincidence.
NIBBLER
That name is for your sake. In the time
it would take to pronounce one letter
of my true name a trillion cosmoses
would flair into existence and sink
into eternal night.
[Leela laughs and pinches Nibbler's cheek.]
LEELA
Oh, you're all so cute!
KEN
No, we are not. We Nibblonians are
an ancient and powerful race. Behold.
When the universe was forged in the
crucible of the big bang, our mighty
race was already 17 years old.
LEELA
Aww!
[Fiona growls. The hologram changes and shows a rocky planet
with a lightning storm overhead.]
KEN
For the first millisecond of time, things
were OK. But then there arose a terrible
enemy: The Brain Spawn. Ever since,
we have waged unceasing war against
these dreadful --
[A Nibblonian chef opens a door into the chamber.]
NIBBLONIAN CHEF
Lunch is ready.
KEN
Then let the feast of a thousand hams
begin.
[Cut to: Outside Hall of Forever. Chewing and eating noises come
from inside and the Nibblonians burp.]
[Cut to: Hall of Forever. Leela is sat on the floor tickling
Ken and Fiona like cats.]
LEELA
So why are these Brain Spawn attacking
Earth, Nibbler?
[Above Nibbler is a hologram of the Brain Spawn flying around
New New York.]
NIBBLER
The Brain Spawn hate all consciousness.
The thoughts of others screech at them
like the forced laughs of a billion
art house movie patrons.
KEN
Thus, they travel from world to world
making everyone stupid in order to wipe
out all thought in the universe.
LEELA
Wipe out all thought? My God! They're
like flying televisions.
FIONA
And even we are powerless to stop them,
fearsome though we are.
[She purrs.]
NIBBLER
There is but one being that can resist
them. A child of destiny whose bizzare
brain wave pattern makes him immune
to the Brain Spawn attack. He is the
hope of the universe. The fate of your
world - perhaps all worlds - rests in
his special mind.
LEELA
Now, when you say "special"...
[Planet Express Balcony. Fry stands on the balcony looking at
the carnage. Buildings burn in the distance, ships fall from
the sky and cars crash in the street. A man crashes his car into
a lamppost, opens the dome and slumps over dead. Fry picks up
a bullhorn and talks into the wrong end.]
FRY
Attention New New Yorkers. Stop acting
so stupid!
[A bird lands on the other end and squawks into it. Fry screams
and falls over.]
[Nibblonian Ship. The large circular ship orbits the Earth and
is flanked by lots of smaller ships.]
KEN
Nibblonian fleet holding at perimeter
of moron zone, formerly known as "Earth".
[The command centre of the ship looks like the Enterprise bridge
from Star Trek, albeit a lot more pink. Ken, Fiona and Nibbler
all sit on one big love-heart-shaped chair in the middle of the
room.]
LEELA
Why would Fry be immune to the flying
brains? Because he doesn't shower?
FIONA
The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence
by attacking the delta brain wave. Every
animal and robot in the universe generates
this wave, as do certain trees.
NIBBLER
Fry, however, does not.
FIONA
Somehow he has cobbled together a random
assortment of other brainwaves into
a working mind.
LEELA
Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants.
NIBBLER
Yes, like your prom dress.
KEN
The Brain Spawn are commanded by a giant
evil brain with a gooey centre of pure
hate.
FIONA
Only Fry, with is superior, yet inferior
mind, can approach him. You must tell
him to disable it. We will do the rest.
LEELA
You can count on me.
FIONA
No we can't. Once on Earth, you will
be too stupid to remember the message.
[Ken nods.]
NIBBLER
That's why we wrote it down for you.
[He pins the note to the front of Leela's top.]
KEN
We've also prepared a bag lunch and
some mittens.
[Planet Express: Attic. Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy and Farnsworth
are lined up on the couch and Bender stands nearby. In front
of them, Fry has set up a classroom situation. He has written
"Fry's Dumb School" on a blackboard and there is a cardboard
box in front of it.]
FRY
Time to re-educate you duncebags. We'll
start with US presidents. This is our
first president, George Washington.
Let's review. Who was our first president?
AMY
Umm...
BENDER
A pickle jar?
WASHINGTON
Thomas Jefferson?
[There is a screeching sound from outside. Leela crashes through
the window in Nibbler's ship. It glides to a halt and she steps
out of the smoking wreckage.]
FRY
Leela! I've been so worried. Are you
a bonehead?
LEELA
I...have to tell...must...important...something...
FRY
Whoa, whoa! Slow down. You're going
a mile a minute.
[Leela sees the note on her top, takes it off and hands it to
him.]
LEELA
This! You for this!
FRY
Thanks!
[He blows hit nose on it, screws it up and throws it in the fire.]
LEELA
No! Ow! Fire hot.
FARNSWORTH
The professy will help! Fire indeed
hot!
[Fry looks around and tips the water from Chest A. Arthur's jar
over the professor's arm. Arthur's head falls out too and lands
on the floor.]
ARTHUR
Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.
LEELA
Brain. Brain make people dumb.
FRY
No, Leela. Brain make people smart.
[He taps his head. Behind him, two Brain Spawn appear in the
broken window. Leela growls and turns him around. He sees the
brains and screams.]
LEELA
You go fight biggest brain of all.
FRY
Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where
is it?
LEELA
I 'unno!
FRY
Hm. A giant brain is basically a giant
nerd. And where would a giant nerd be?
The libary!
[Outside New New York Public Library. Fry and Leela run up the
steps and two Brain Spawn fly in and block their path. Fry forces
them out of the way.]
[New New York Public Library Corridors. Fry and Leela run past
a librarian trying to push a book onto a bookshelf sideways.
They run past Reference Books, Books on Tapeworm and Stephen
King: A - Aardvark. They come to a stop outside Ancient Literature.
From behind the door there comes a purple glow. Fry pushes the
door ajar.]
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. A huge
brain hovers over a table reading books.]
BIG BRAIN
Pathetic human race. Arranging their
knowledge by category just made it easier
to absorb. Dewey, you fool: Your decimal
system has played right into my hands!
What do you want?
FRY
I'm here to kick your ass.
BIG BRAIN
Wishful thinking. We have long since
evolved beyond the need for asses.
Odd. My stupefaction field is having
no effect on your ability to think.
FRY
That's right. And I think you'll find
that a little knowledge is a dangerous
thing! OK, better think of a new plan.
Come on, Fry, think! Thinking...thinking...
[There is a buzzing sound and the brain shivers.]
BIG BRAIN
Oh! Stop that!
FRY
Hey! Thinking hurts him. Maybe I can
think of a way to use that. Aha! Prepare
to be thought at. Leela, give me a topic.
LEELA
Duh...
FRY
Seriously, I can't think of anything.
Gotta find something to make me think.
(reading) Hardy Boys. (talking) Too
easy. (reading) Nancy Drew. (talking)
Too hard. Aha! Perfect! Bonfire of the
Vanities!
[He reads it and the buzzing returns. The brain sinks into the
corner of the room.]
BIG BRAIN
No! It's unbearable!
[Cut to: Outside New New York Public Library. The Brain Spawn
outside drop like flies.]
[Cut to: Nibblonian Ship. The Nibblonians watch this on a screen.]
FIONA
The brains are weakening. Nibblonians
to Nibble stations. Prepare cuddle bug
for deployment in 40 nibblets.
[Nibbler sighs.]
NIBBLER
Sometimes I fear we are cute.
FIONA
Oh, niggle-snoosh!
[New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. The Big Brains
purple glow has turned green. It groans as Fry carries on reading.]
FRY
Take that! And that! This sentence I
don't understand but take this one!
BIG BRAIN
You have not won yet. Each book in
this room is a gateway to a mental realm
and I shall take you there and imprison
you forever.
[It envelopes a book and Fry and Leela.]
LEELA
Icky!
[Cut to: Herman Melville's Moby Dick. Leela and Fry are on a
dinghy in the middle of the ocean.]
FRY
Where are we?
[They look around and see Captain Ahab and Queequeg on the boat
with them.]
AHAB
A gold doubloon to the man who first
spies the white whale.
[The Big Brain rams the side of the boat from the water.]
QUEEQUEG
Big whale over there.
AHAB
I saw it first!
[He pockets the gold and gives a shifty look. Fry is about to
harpoon the brain when Queequeg grabs his arm.]
QUEEQUEG
Wait! That no white whale. It grey,
pink-y whale!
FRY
Queequeg, let go of me! I have to kill
it!
BIG BRAIN
Farewell! You will all be trapped in
this dense, symbolist tome forever!
[It dives.]
FRY
Follow him! It's our only way out!
[He dives in, followed by Ahab, Queequeg and Leela.]
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Fry
and Leela struggle in the purple glow. The Brain picks up another
book.]
[Cut to: Mark Twain's The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer. Tom Sawyer
is painting the fence and the characters from Moby Dick are with
Fry and Leela.]
FRY
Excuse me, have you seen a giant brain?
TOM SAWYER
Yep. I let him help me whitewash Aunt
Polly's fence.
[He pushes open the gate, revealing the Brain wearing a straw
hate and painting the fence.]
BIG BRAIN
Tom Sawyer, you tricked me. This is
less fun than previously indicated.
Let this corny slice of Americana be
your tomb for all eternity.
TOM SAWYER
Please, no!
FRY
(shouting) Come on!
[They chase the Brain.]
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. The
Brain picks up another book.]
[Cut to: Jane Austen's Pride And Prejudice. Fry is at a staely
banquet.]
WOMAN
Mr. Fry, Mama tells us you're quite
the oddity; a bachelor at your age.
FRY
Tou think I'm an oddity? Wait'l you
see --
[A door opens.]
BUTLER
Presenting the most eligible landowner
in all Hertfordshire, Mr. Brainly.
[Enter the smartly-dressed Brain.]
BIG BRAIN
I'm a gigantic brain!
[There is general murmuring from the people.]
MAN #1
I say!
MAN #2
Most ungentleman-like!
WOMAN
Mr. Brainly, what news have you of the
London season?
BIG BRAIN
Well...
[Fry grabs Tom Sawyer's bucket.]
FRY
Hey, Brain-y, think fast!
[He throws the whitewash at it.]
BIG BRAIN
I always think fast.
[The whitewash hits it and it screams.]
AHAB
The whale! He be white now!
[He and Queequeg throw harpoons at it and it screams. Ahab breaks
off his wooden leg and hits the Brain with it.]
FRY
Leela, I've got an idea. Stay here with
Queequeg.
[He jumps out of the window. Leela looks at Queequeg and twiddles
her hair.]
LEELA
Is there Mrs. Queequeg?
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Fry
pushes and sturggles and breaks free of the Brain's glow.]
FRY
Yes! I'm free! Alright, Brain. Get
ready for some electroshock treatment!
[He smashes the bulbs and swings on the light towards the Brain.
He misses it by a mile and slams into a bookcase on the other
side of the room. He falls to the floor and it falls on him,
crushing him. Leela is freed from the purple glow. She sees Fry
choking and screams.]
LEELA
Fry, don't die! Wake up! (screaming)
Nooo!
[The Brain laughs. The bookcase and Fry's dead body fade away.
Leela is kneeling in the middle of the room. The Brain is still
laugh. She looks around and hears Fry's voice. He is writing.]
FRY
Leela cried for her lost love as Fry
lay dead under the heavy bookcase. The
Big Brain laughed in triumph......Then,
for no reason, he left Earth forever.
The end. There! Now he's trapped in
a book I wrote: A crummy world of plot
holes and spelling errors.
BIG BRAIN
The Big Brain am winning again. I am
the greetest! Now I am leaving Earth
for no rason!
[It squeezes through the window.]
[Cut to: Outside New New York Public Library. The Nibblonians
watch and cheer.]
NIBBLER
The Big Brain is defeated. Let what
must be done be done.
[The Nibblonian soldiers eat the other brains that have fallen.]
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Leela
shakes her head as her intelligence returns.]
LEELA
Me...feel...a bit better in cognitive
faculties.
FRY
I did it! And it's all thanks to the
books at my local library.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The rest of the staff sleep as
Hermes points to a chart showing the increase in employee sleep
during meetings.]
NIBBLER
(voice-over) And so life returned to
normal. Or as normal as it gets on this
primative dirtball inhabited by psychotic
apes...
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry reads "Fry Tricks The Brain" to
Farnsworth who dismisses it.]
NIBBLER
(voice-over) ...Thanks to the effect
of the brain rays, the people of Earth
had no memory of what had transpired,
except Fry. And no one believed him
or cared what he had to say...
[Leela's Quarters. Leela lies on her bed stroking Nibbler, who
is back in his cape.]
NIBBLER
(voice-over) ...I, meanwhile, returned
to my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth
again come under Brain attack. And when
that day comes, God help us. God help
us all.
[Leela picks him up.]
LEELA
Time for a diapee change!
NIBBLER
(voice-over) End transmission.
THE END
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