FUTURAMA
Episode 208
"XMAS STORY"
By
David X. Cohen
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Based On a True Story.]
[Catskills Ski Lodge. The whole Planet Express staff are on a
ski holiday. The room is packed with people waiting for a show.]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen: Conan O'Brien's
head.
[The audience cheer.]
O'BRIEN
Thank you, thank you. Let's get started.
Max, play me over. Looks like someone
forgot to feed Max. So, people are
getting pretty worried about this Y2K
problem, huh?
BENDER
No. they fixed that 900 years ago.
O'BRIEN
Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm
walking to work this morning--
BENDER
I doubt it!
O'BRIEN
Listen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly
long legs in the war of 2012 but I've
still got something you'll never have:
A soul!
BENDER
Eh.
O'BRIEN
And freckles! Well, I'm out of material.
You can catch me next week at the Andromeda
Chuckle Hut. Enjoy your breakfast.
[The audience applauds.]
[Mountains. The staff are geared up for skiing. They walk away
from the lodge.]
BENDER
Ah, lets face it: Comedy's a dead art
form. Now tragedy ... ... That's funny!
FARNSWORTH
Come on, everyone. Perhaps some skiing
will help us forget the mouldy old antics
of Conan O'Brien.
AMY
Yeah!
LEELA
Great idea!
ZOIDBERG
We can only hope!
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela are on the ski lift.]
FRY
This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global
warming never happened.
LEELA
Actually it did. But thank God nuclear
winter cancelled it out.
[The lift tips them off and they ski over to Bender.]
FRY
Hi!
BENDER
Enough of your mindless chitchat, let's
get going.
[Hermes and Zoidberg are on the ski lift but it isn't moving.]
HERMES
Jah damnit! We're stuck.
ZOIDBERG
At least you're not cold blooded!
[He puts a glove over his mouth.]
HERMES
Sweet lion of Zion! Look at the Professor
go.
[He points at Farnsworth who is skis well. He is actually asleep.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela ski.]
FRY
Look out! We're heading straight for
those trees!
LEELA
Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down.
TREES
(mechanical voice) Trees down.
[The trees go down and Fry and Leela ski over them.]
FRY
Cool. Hey what do you do if you want
the trees up?
TREES
(mechanical voice) Trees up
[The trees go up and one takes Fry with it. He is stuck at the
top of one.]
FRY
(hoarse) Trees down!
TREES
(mechanical voice) Trees down.
[They go back down and Fry gets buried under the snow with one.
Bender speeds past on a snowboard. He is wearing a red and blue
hat and has a cigar in his mouth.]
BENDER
Lookin' good, meatball!
[A man skis alongside Bender.]
MAN
Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding
off the trail.
BENDER
Lick my frozen metal ass. Uh-oh!
[He falls over the edge of a cliff and screams as he falls towards
a frozen lake. Children skate on the ice. Bender plummets straight
through the surface. The ice around cracks and the children fall
in. They scream.]
CHILD
(shouting) Mommy!
[Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another.
He comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled
car and Fry stands behind him.]
ZOIDBERG
You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to
see!
HERMES
Listen, you filthy crab, a thousand
years ago there was a legendary team
of Jamaican bobsledders.
FRY
Yup, I remember. They came in last at
the Olympics then retired to promote
alcoholic beverages.
HERMES
A true inspiration for the children.
Um, a little help please? (screaming)
Nooo!
[Zoidberg laughs, slips, falls and slides down the track after
Hermes. Fry laughs.]
FRY
Oh, what the hell! Ow!
[Catskills Ski Lodge. Amy is chats up a man in a cast.]
AMY
You poor man. What happened to you?
MAN
Well, there I was on the triple diamond
slope, when suddenly--
AMY
Oh, excuse me. Hello there.
[Farnsworth skis into the lodge and wakes up to discover a bronze
medal around his neck.]
FARNSWORTH
Wha?
[Time Lapse. The staff all sport various injuries and sit around
a blazing fire with their feet up.]
BENDER
Ah! Nothing like a warm fire and a Super
Soaker of fine cognac.
[He squirts some into his mouth.]
FRY
Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas
spirit.
FARNSWORTH
What-mas?
FRY
Christmas. You know? X-M-A-S.
LEELA
Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using
an archaic pronunciation. Like when
you say "ask" instead of "aks".
FRY
Xmas, huh? Y'know this'll be my first
Xmas away from home.
LEELA
Hey, hey. Let me aks you something:
Would it cheer you up if we went and
cut down an Xmas tree?
FRY
Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree!
[Forest. Fry seems disappointed that Xmas trees are palm trees.]
FRY
Hey! These aren't Xmas trees!
FARNSWORTH
Eh wha?
FRY
They're supposed to be some kinda, you
know, pine tree.
FARNSWORTH
Pine trees have been extinct for 800
years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle
and your primitive notions of modesty.
Ah! Brisk!
FRY
This isn't the way Christmas is supposed
to be.
FARNSWORTH
There, there.
[He leans against Fry and pats his shoulder.]
FRY
Everything's changed.
LEELA
That's not true.
[She swings an axe and a laser on the end cuts through a palm
tree. It falls.]
[The ship flies across New New York with the Xmas tree tied to
the roof. It lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Zoidberg puts down a box marked
"Xmas Decorations" and cuts the tape with his claw. Bender rocks
back and forth in a chair with Nibbler on his lap.]
BENDER (SINGING)
Xmas tree oh Xmas tree! Bah boo bee
boo bah bee boh.
[Leela sits on the arm of a couch in front of the fire and Fry
sits next to her on the couch. The Xmas tree is in the middle
of the room. Farnsworth leads a string of lights around the bottom
of the trunk. Amy takes a star out of a box and uses a jet pack
to get to the top of the tree. She hits her head on the ceiling.
AMY
Ow!
FRY
(nostalgic) Every Christmas my mom would
get a fresh goose for goose burgers
and my dad would whip up his special
eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
This dumb holiday just makes me think
of all the things I left behind. Let's
just stop talking about Xmas.
[Enter Hermes with some envelopes.]
HERMES
Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards
have arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you
go, Fry, Professor, Zoidberg, a mighty
haul for Bender.
BENDER
Yes! I got the most! I win Xmas!
HERMES
And last, but not least, the sweet flower
of the office: Me. Hermes Conrad.
[Leela is disappointed. Bender looks at his card. On the front
is an ASCII Xmas tree.]
BENDER
Hmm. Ah, a picture of my mommy.
ZOIDBERG
Huh? What's this? A card from my cousin
Zoidfarb. Instead of "Claus" he writes
"Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's
comedians could learn from this card.
[Leela watches the others. She sighs and walks out.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela opens her locker and gets
out a photo album. She looks at photos of her childhood. One
shows her as a baby in an area marked "Abandoned Property". Another
shows her outside the Orphanarium, smiling. Children point at
her and laugh. Another shows her at her senior prom with no date.
She closes the album and a tear falls onto it.]
[Planet Express: Attic Room.]
FRY
What's the point of Xmas when everyone
you know died a thousand years ago?
I'm the lonliest person on Earth. Hey,
Leela, how 'bout a little sympathy here,
huh? Yoiks! What was that about?
AMY
Fluh! She's an orphan.
FARNSWORTH
Yes, and the only one of her species
in all the known universe. What a lonely
life.
[He walks off shaking his head.]
FRY
My God! Poor Leela.
BENDER
(upbeat) Hey, buddy, heard you needed
cheering up! Well old Bender'll make
you laugh. Look at me look! Oh, man,
I gotta work on my act!
[Time Lapse. Fry has taken off his jacket.]
FRY
I feel like a rat. Here I am whining
like a pig while all along Leela was
lonely as a frog. I could kick myself.
AMY
I'll do it for you.
[She kicks him in the shin.]
FRY
Ow! Thanks.
FARNSWORTH
You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry.
You'd have to be blind not to notice
that Leela's a cyclops.
[He is actually talking to Hermes.]
HERMES
Fry's over there, man.
FARNSWORTH
Oh?
[He adjust his glasses and looks around the room. Bender sits
in a chair with his feet up.]
BENDER
Xmas Eve; Another day where I accomplish
nothing.
[He slurps brandy and turns the TV on to the news.]
LINDA
The holiday season is a time of celebration
for most. But it is also a time to remember
the tragic suffering of the less fortunate.
MORBO
Earthlings do not yet know the meaning
of suffering.
[He cackles. Linda chuckles.]
LINDA
Earlier today I visited a shelter for
down-and-out robots. Homeless robots,
too poor to afford even the basic alchohol
they need to fuel their circuits. Is
there anything sadder? Only drowning
puppies. And there would have to be
a lot of them.
[Bender heads for the door.]
AMY
Where are you going, Bender?
BENDER
To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for
homeless robots.
HERMES
Yeah, right! As if you ever did anything
charitable.
BENDER
I'm very generous. What about that time
I gave blood?
FRY
Whose blood?
BENDER
Some guy's.
[He leaves.]
FRY
I've got to do something to show Leela
how sorry I am.
ZOIDBERG
So what's the problem? Just get down
on your claws and do the apology dance.
[He starts scuttling and singing.]
FRY
So it's left, left, right-- Wait! I
have a better idea! I'll go out and
get her the perfect Xmas present. Something
so great she'll never want to be unhappy
again.
HERMES
Just be back by sundown, mon.
FRY
We'll see. I like to haggle.
AMY
You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll
be killed!
FRY
Say what?
FARNSWORTH
Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa
Claus.
FRY
I know about Santa Claus.
[He winks.]
FARNSWORTH
Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company
built a robotic Santa to determine who'd
be naughty and who'd been nice and distribute
presents accordingly. But something
went wrong.
FRY
Wow! 2801! Anyway...
[He turns to leave.]
FARNSWORTH
Wait, you fool! Due to a programming
error, Santa's standards were set too
high and he invariably judges everyone
to be naughty.
AMY
If he catches you after dark, he'll
chop off your head and stuff your neck
full of toys from his sack of horrors.
[Fry gulps.]
FARNSWORTH
Nice meeting you.
[New New York City Street. Bender is dressed as a homeless robot,
wearing a torn woollen hat and fingerless gloves. He walks into
Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen.]
[Cut to: Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is greeted
by the Preacherbot.]
PREACHERBOT
Welcome, brother! May the blessings
of the season be upon you.
BENDER
Yeah, yeah, amen. Listen, I'm one of
those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing
about. Could you point me to the free
booze. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
[Alien Overlord & Taylor. The department store advertises and
Xmas Sale with "3% Off".]
FRY
There's this girl who I really like
but she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help
me?
SALESMAN #1
Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the
food court. Though there's a line this
time of year.
FRY
No, I need to get her a gift. And I
need it before sundown.
SALESMAN #1
Well, you can't go wrong with something
traditional. A Surface-to-Santa rocket
launcher. It comes with three jolly-seeking
missiles.
[Fry laughs.]
FRY
That's funny!
[A missile points itself at Fry.]
SALESMAN #1
Careful, sir!
[Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is finishing
off his seventh bowl of liquor.]
BENDER
Oh, yeah! You filthy hobos sure kow
how to live. Hey, chief, someone's
stealing your handkerchief full of crap.
[The robot turns around and Bender steals his bowl. A little
robot with a leg missing holds out a bowl to the Preacherbot.]
TINNY TIM
Excuse me, sir? Might I have a sip of
booze?
PREACHERBOT
I'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out
early tonight.
TINNY TIM
I understand.
[He turns, coughs, and limps away.]
BENDER
My God! That poor kid!
[He laughs.]
[Joe's Ark Pet Store.]
FRY
You're the last store open. I need something
for my friend Leela. Just give me your
best animal.
SALESMAN #2
Best? Well that's a matter of opinion.
I personally like the Electric Snail.
[He picks up the snail in a jar. It's shell sparks with electricity.]
FRY
That's a stupid animal. You're stupid!
I said I want the best one. Now which
costs more? The parrot or the Stink
Lizard?
SALESMAN #2
The lizards are a buck each, the parrot
is $500.
[Fry whistles.]
FRY
That's a hell of a good parrot. Although,
I could get 500 lizards for the same
price. Girls like swarms of lizards,
right?
SALESMAN #2
Sir, the store is closing in two minutes.
FRY
Alright, I'll take the 500 lizards.
No, wait, yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes! The
parrot!
[The parrot squawks.]
[Outside Joe's Ark Pet Store. Fry walks away with his parrot
and the shop closes.]
FRY
Well, I spent every penny I had but
I bet Leela's gonna love you. Hey,
you're quite the talker, aren't you?
Shut the hell up! Ow! Stupid bird!
I know where you live.
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy ties a ribbon around an present.
She holds the knot with her finger and Zoidberg cuts off the
excess. On the other side of the room, Farnsworth and Hermes
play chess naked. Enter Leela.]
AMY
Hey, it's Leela.
LEELA
Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't
mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.
FARNSWORTH
Huh? You were gone?
LEELA
It's just that I get tired of Fry always
only thinking of himself.
HERMES
I hear that! I aks him to set the table.
Instead he goes out to buy you a present.
Selfish dog.
LEELA
Wait! You mean he's still out? His life's
in danger!
ZOIDBERG
Why?
LEELA
I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is
coming to town!
[New New York City Street. The parrot flies towards a tall building
with a large digital clockface. Fry looks up at it from the street.]
FRY
Alright, bird, you thought you could
beat me in a game of wits. But you just
met your equal.
[Cut to: Outside Building. Fry opens a hatch and steps out onto
the clock face. He drops the cage and gulps. The parrot edges
away from him. He steps closer to it. The parrot moves to the
very edge.]
FRY
Aha! Cornered!
[He leaps for the bird but it flies away before he can get a
hold of it. He loses his balance and falls. He grabs onto the
2 on the clock. It changes to a 3 then a 4. He falls a little
further. It changes to a 5, a 6 and then a 7. With nothing to
hold onto he falls. Leela grabs him from a hatch.]
LEELA
Hi there!
FRY
Leela! Oh, my God! You saved my life.
I am gonna get you so many lizards.
[New New York City Street. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]
LEELA
You didn't need to buy me a present,
Fry.
FRY
I just wanted to do something to make
you happy. I mean, I miss my family
but you never even had a family.
LEELA
It's OK. You're lonely and I'm lonely.
But together we're lonely together.
[They hold hands.]
FRY
Merry Xmas, Leela.
LEELA
Merry Xmas.
[A huge shadow creeps over them followed by two loud bangs. They
turn around.]
FRY
Oh, boy! It's Santa!
[Santa's eyes turn around 180-degrees, making him look angry.]
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho! You've been very naughty,
Fry and Leela. I checked my list.
FRY
Well check it twice!
SANTA
I perform over 50 mega-checks per second.
You're both naughty for disregarding
each other's feelings.
LEELA
But we set things right. Fry even risked
his life to get me a present.
SANTA
But what about your other co-workers?
Did either of you ever stop to think
about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?
FRY
No! I swear!
SANTA
Santa has something very special in
his sack for you two!
[Fry smiles. Santa pulls out a laser gun and shoots them. They
scream and run away.]
[Outside Hattie's House. Bender and some other robots are singing
carols.]
ROBOTS
(singing) So lock the door and hit the
floor,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.
[Hattie claps.]
HATTIE
Go away!
BENDER
Whoa, hold on! How about inviting us
in for a traditional glass of hard cider?
HATTIE
Oh, alright. But just one glass! (from
inside) OK, that's enough. I said that's
enough!
BENDER
(from inside) Get her purse!
[New New York City Street. Fry and Leela are still running from
Santa. They jump to the ground and Santa swoops over them in
his sleigh, turns around and heads back towards them.]
FRY
Please let us live! We'll put out milk
and cookies for you!
SANTA
You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove
coal so far up your stocking you'll
be coughing up diamonds!
[He throws a bauble-bomb at Fry and Leela. They run into an alcove
and it explodes. Santa flies his sleigh around ready for the
kill. Leela tries a door but it's locked.]
LEELA
We're trapped.
FRY
I never thought it would end this way:
Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly,
I didn't see it coming!
[Santa gets closer. Fry and Leela crouch down in a corner.]
LEELA
Goodbye, Fry.
FRY
Goodbye, Leela. Hey, look: We're under
the mistletoe.
[Leela looks up and they both look at each other. They move towards
each other to kiss.]
SANTA
Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W.
missile!
[He shoots at them. Fry and Leela scream. The parrot flies in
front of the alcove and gets hit by the missile and explodes.
Feathers flutter down.]
FRY
Uh, you're present may need some assembly.
[Elsehwhere, Bender and the other robots are carrying lots of
stuff.]
BENDER
(singing) On the 4th day of Xmas I stole
from that lady.
ROBOT #1
(singing) Four family photos.
TINNY TIM
(singing) Three jars of pennies.
ROBOT #2
(singing) Two former husbands.
BENDER
(singing) And a slipper on a shoe tree.
[He throws the slipper down the sewer. Raoul waves through the
gate.]
RAOUL
Oh, thank you!
[Fry and Leela come running down the street.]
FRY
(shouting) Help!
LEELA
(shouting) Somebody help us.
TINNY TIM
It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot
sir?
BENDER
No, wait, I know these guys. They got
nothing.
[Bender runs towards Fry and Leela. Santa flies over them.]
SANTA
Ho ho ho! You've been very naughty,
Bender.
BENDER
What? Me? I didn't do nothing. You're
thinking of the kid.
[He points at Tinny Tim.]
SANTA
My God, Bender! Framing an orphan? That's
so naughty I'll have to add it to my
list right now. Framing ... I-N-G ...
... an ...
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Zoidberg
are sat under the Xmas Tree exchanging gifts.]
ZOIDBERG
Amy, this is for you: A set of combs
for your beautiful hair.
AMY
Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair
to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of
combs for Hermes.
[She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]
HERMES
Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could
buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
[He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]
ZOIDBERG
Thank you. These'll come in handy for
my new hair. Finally I look as pretty
as I feel!
FRY
(shouting; from outside) Help!
LEELA
(shouting; from outside) Help!
BENDER
(shouting; from outside) Help!
[The staff look through the window. Fry, Leela and the robots
are still being chased by Santa. They run towards the Planet
Express building.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep.
And there's no trash pickup until January
3rd.
[Enter Fry, Leela and the robots. There is a crash on the roof.]
HERMES
Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the
roof!
FARNSWORTH
Quick! The armour-plated chimney cover!
Push! Push!
BENDER
Use teamwork!
[The chimney is nearly covered when Santa sticks a candy cane
through a gap and rolls the cover back. The crew gasp. Santa
and the reindeer fly in.]
TINNY TIM
Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
[Hermes dives behind the sofa.]
SANTA
You've all been very naughty. Very naughty
indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this
is for you.
[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]
ZOIDBERG
A pogo-stick!
[He giggles and bounces around the room.]
SANTA
As for the rest of you, I'm going to
tear off your skin like wrapping paper
and deck the halls with your guts.
BENDER
Yeah? Well I don't believe in Santa
Claus. Come on, everybody, if you don't
believe in him he can't hurt you. Ow!
God! The pain!
SANTA
Ho ho ho! Time to get jolly on your
naughty asses!
[He laughs maniacly.]
LEELA
Watch out! His belly is shaking like
a bowl full of nitro-glycerine!
[A reindeers nose beeps and flashes red.]
AMY
Rudolph's nose!
FRY
(shouting) He's gonna blow.
[Everyone screams. Zoidberg cuts a wire hanging from the Xmas
tree.]
ZOIDBERG
Aha!
[The wire falls and electrocutes Santa. Leela kicks him and the
rest of the staff use the Xmas tree to push him and his sleigh
into the chimney. The robots cover it with the armour-plated
cover. The reindeer beeps faster and the cover rocks as Santa
explodes.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Santa, the sleigh and the reindeer
fly upwards away from the building.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The Planet Express crew, LaBarbara
and the homeless robots are sat around the table talking.]
FARNSWORTH
Yes, good thing I got us out of that
one!
[Bender brings a covered plate in from the kitchen.]
BENDER
Xmas dinner, everyone.
[He pulls the cover off. The dinner is the exploded parrot.]
FRY
Uh, Bender? Where did you get that bird?
BENDER
I found it lying in the street, like
all the food I cook. Dig in, everyone.
[He cuts a piece off and puts it on Tinny Tim's plate.]
TINNY TIM
Thank you, sir.
BENDER
You got the toenail! Oh!
FRY
Look, the food isn't what's important.
TINNY TIM
I'm so hungry.
FRY
The important thing is we're all together
for Xmas. And even though I'm surrounded
by robots and monsters and old people,
I've never felt more at home.
FARNSOWRTH
Hear, hear! Now let's all of us shut
up and sing!
[They gather around a piano.]
AMY (SINGING)
He knows when you are sleeping.
FARNSWORTH (SINGING)
He knows when you're on the can.
LEELA (SINGING)
He'll hunt you down and blast your ass
from here to Pakistan.
ZOIDBERG (SINGING)
Oh.
HERMES (SINGING)
You'd better not breathe, You'd better
not move.
BENDER (SINGING)
You're better off dead, I'm telling
you, dude.
FRY (SINGING)
Santa Claus is gunning you down!
[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing
himself again.]
FARNSWORTH
Merry Xmas, everyone!
[He joins the others at the piano and it snows again outside.]
[Closing Credits. A version of We Wish You A Merry Christmas
plays. Santa and his reindeer fly by.]
SANTA
I'll be back. Back when you least expect
it: Next Xmas! Ho ho ho!
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