MALE UNBONDING
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Nightclub)
JERRY
Most men like working on things, tools,
objects, fixing things. This is what
men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed
a guy's out in his driveway working
on
something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood
are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering
out of the house like zombies.
Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just..
you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey,
I think Jim's working on something over
there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually
help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where
work is being done. That's what men
want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him,
we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using,
the Philips head?" You know,
we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites,
they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just
to keep the men out. They cut those
little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on.
But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences.
Right over there. "What are you using the
steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."
(Jerry's apartment building)
(Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator)
GEORGE
I had to say something. I had to say
something. Everything was going so well;
I had to say something.
JERRY
I don't think you did anything wrong.
GEORGE
I told her I liked her. Why? Why did
I tell her I like her? I have this sick
compulsion to tell women how I feel.
I like you I don't tell you.
JERRY
We can only thank God for that.
(Elevator opens, they get on)
GEORGE
I'm outta the picture. I am outta the
picture. (laughs) It's only a matter
of time now.
JERRY
You're imagining this. Really.
GEORGE
Oh no. No, no, no, no.
(elevator doors close)
GEORGE
I'll tell you when it happened. When
that floss came flying out of my pocket.
JERRY
What floss? When?
GEORGE
We were in the lobby during the intermission
of the play. I was buying her one of
those containers of orange drink, for
five dollars. I reached into my
pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this piece of green
floss hanging from my fingers.
JERRY
Ah, mint.
GEORGE
Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I
look up, I see she's looking at it.
Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment.
I just..
(eleveator doors open, they get off)
JERRY
So let me get this straight: she saw
the floss, you panicked and you told
her you liked her.
GEORGE
If I didn't put that floss in my pocket,
I'd be crawling around her bedroom right
now looking for my glasses.
JERRY
And you're sure the floss was the catalyst?
GEORGE
Yes, I am.
JERRY
(looks at a carrying pouch George is
wearing) You don't think it might've
had anything to do with that?
GEORGE
What? You don't like this?
JERRY
It looks like your belt is digesting
a small animal.
(they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking on the
phone)
KRAMER
Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See,
it's all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry
just walked in. Hi, George. (resumes
talking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah,
yeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is. (hands phone
to Jerry.)
JERRY
(to Kramer) Who is it?
KRAMER
Take it.
JERRY
Who is it?
KRAMER
It's for you.
JERRY
(into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry
hits Kramer with a magazine.) .. No.
I was out of town. I just got back..
Kramer doesn't know anything.. He's
just
my next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday,
no. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's okay..
Alright. Uh, I'm a little busy
right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay.. yeah.. right..
thanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why did you put
me on the phone with him? I
hate just being handed a phone.
KRAMER
Well, it's your phone. He wanted to
talk to you
JERRY
Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.
KRAMER
Well, why not?
JERRY
He bothers me. I don't even answer the
phone anymore because of him. He's turned
me into a screener. Now I gotta go see
him on Wednesday.
GEORGE
What do you mean Wednesday? I though
we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday.
We got seats behind the bench! What
happened? We're not
going?
JERRY
We're going. That's next Wednesday.
GEORGE
Oh. Who is this guy?
JERRY
His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like
three houses down from me when I grew
up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were
friends. Should I suffer the rest of
my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've
been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.. he's so
self-involved.
(phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket)
KRAMER
That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica
Industries.. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no,
no. Forget that. I got a better idea.
A pizza place where you make your own
pie.
JERRY
Can you conduct your business elsewhere?
KRAMER
(ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking
about a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer
leaves Jerry's apartment while still
on the phone.)
GEORGE
I don't know why you even bother with
this ping pong guy, I'll tell you that.
JERRY
I don't bother with him. He's been calling
me for seven years. I've never called
him once! He's got the attention span
of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit
there and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.
GEORGE
I don't understand why you spend time
with this guy.
JERRY
What can I do? Break up with him? Tell
him "I Don't think we're right for each
other.." He's a guy. At least with a
woman, there's a precendent. You know,
the relationship goes sour, you end it.
GEORGE
No, no, no,no you have to approach this
as if he was a woman.
JERRY
Just break up with him?
GEORGE
Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.
(scene ends)
(Nightclub)
JERRY
As a guy I don't know how I can break
up with another guy. You know what I
mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill,
I feel I need to see other men." Do
you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait
for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship.
It could be a long time. See,
the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based
on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just
because they're two guys. That's almost
all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports and women
- is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no
women the only thing guys would ever
say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?"
(Coffee Shop)
(Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table)
JOEL
..so my shrink wants me to bring my
mother in for a session. This guy is
a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to
go to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo.
JERRY
You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography,
I thought it was really - interesting..
he would-
JOEL
(interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're
starving here! We've been waiting here
for ten minutes already!
JERRY
(testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about
going to Iran this summer.
JOEL
I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.
JERRY
Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me
to perform. You know, it's their annual
terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it
is Farsi.
JOEL
Do you think I need a haircut?
(waitress comes to their table)
WAITRESS
Are you ready?
JERRY
Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole
wheat.
JOEL
Let me ask you a question. This, uh,
this turkey sandwich here, is that real
turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't
want that processed turkey. I hate it.
WAITRESS
I think it's real turkey.
JOEL
Is there a real bird in the back?
WAITRESS
No, there's not bird but-
JOEL
Well, how do you know for sure? Look,
why don't you do me a favor. Why don't
you go in the back and find out, okay?
(waitress leaves)
JOEL
(cont.) Unbelievable..
JERRY
How can you talk to someone like that?
JOEL
What are you saying? What, you like
turkey roll?
JERRY
Listen, Joel. There's something I have
to tell you.
JOEL
Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into.
JERRY AND JOEL
Howard metro.
JOEL
He asked me if I still saw you. I said,
"Sure, I see him all the time. We're
great friends." Anyway, Howard says
hello.
JERRY
..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
JOEL
what?
JERRY
This friendship.. it's not working.
JOEL
Not working? What are you talking about?
JERRY
We're just not suited to be friends.
JOEL
How can you say that?
JERRY
Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that
- we don't have anything in common.
JOEL
(starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do?
Tell me.. I want to know.
JERRY
You didn't do anything. It's not you,
it's me. It's.. this is very difficult.
JOEL
Look, I know I call you too much, right?
I mean, I know you're a very busy guy.
JERRY
No, it's not that.
JOEL
(crying) You're one of the few people
I can talk to.
JERRY
Oh, come on. That's not true.
JOEL
I always tell everybody about you; tell
everybody to go see your show. I mean,
I'm your biggest fan!
JERRY
I know, I know.
JOEL
I mean, you're my best friend.
JERRY
Best friend? I've never been to your
apartment.
JOEL
I cannot believe that this is happening.
I can't believe it.
JERRY
Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id
didn't mean it.
JOEL
Didn't mean what?
JERRY
What I said. I've been under a lot of
stress.
JOEL
Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.
JERRY
Just, can we just forget the whole thing
ever happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean
it. I took it out on you. We're still
friends. We're still friends. Still
friends.
Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets this Wednesday.
Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come
on.
JOEL
Tonight?
JERRY
No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight,
I would've said tonight.
JOEL
Do you really want me to go?
JERRY
(faking) Yes.
JOEL
Okay. yeah, okay. Great! That would
be, that'd be great.. so, next Wednesday.
JERRY
Next Wednesday.
JOEL
Where is that waitress?! Hey! ..
(scene ends)
(Bank)
(Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George is carrying
a jug full of pennies.)
GEORGE
..she calls me up at my office, she
says, "We have to talk."
JERRY
Uh, the four worst words in the English
language.
GEORGE
That, or "Who's bra is this?"
JERRY
That is worse.
GEORGE
So we order lunch, and we're talking.
Finally, she blurts out how it's "not
working".
JERRY
Really.
GEORGE
So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this,
I'm thinking: great, the relationship's
over. But the egg salad's on the way.
So now I have a decision - do I walk
or
do I eat?
JERRY
Hm? You ate.
GEORGE
We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing,
staring at each other in a defunct relationship.
JERRY
Someone says, "Get out of my life!"
and that doesn't affect your appetite?
GEORGE
Have you ever had their egg salad?
JERRY
It is unbelievable.
GEORGE
It's unbelievable. You know what else
is unbelievable? I picked up the check.
She didn't even offer. She ended it.
The least she could do is send me off
with a sandwich.
JERRY
(looking at George's penny jug) How
much could you possibly have in there?
GEORGE: It's my money. What should I
do? Throw it out the window? I
know guy who took his vacation on change.
JERRY
Yeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade?
GEORGE
(sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny
guy.
JERRY
C'mon, move up.
(George moves up in the bank line)
CUSTOMER
Oh great, Ewing's hurt.
GEORGE
Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to
be out?
CUSTOMER
A couple of days at the most but..
GEORGE
Geez.
JERRY
Oh, God.
GEORGE
I got scared there for a second. The
Knicks without Ewing.
JERRY
Listen, George, little problem with
the game.
GEORGE
What about it?
JERRY
The thing is, yesterday, I kind of..
uh..
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
I geve your ticket to Horneck.
GEORGE
You what?!
JERRY
Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to
Horneck.
GEORGE
No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to
Horneck?
JERRY
(talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon,
go ahead, move up.
GEORGE
Why did you give him my ticket for?
JERRY
You didn't see him. It was horrible.
GOERGE
Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this.
JERRY
I had to do it.
(George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another one.)
GEORGE
Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you
change this into bills?
TELLER
I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.
JERRY
Do you want to go with him? You go.
I don't mind.
GEORGE
I'm not going with him. I don't even
know the guy. (to the teller) Look,
they did this for me before.
TELLER
Look, I can give you these and you can
roll them yourself.
GEORGE
You want me to roll six thousand of
these?! What, should I quit my job?!
(Scene ends.)
(Nightclub)
JERRY
I do not like the bank. I've heard the
expression "Laughing all the way to
the bank." I have never seen anyone
actually doing it. And those bank lines.
I hate
it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part,
you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through
the little maze. "Can you get a little piece
of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward
for this please."
(Jerry's apartment)
(George is stuffing pennies into rolls.)
GEORGE
..Thirty-two, thirty-three-
JERRY
George.
GEORGE
(raises his hand) Not now.. (counts
to himself).
JERRY
Could you stop the counting?
GEORGE
Nnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll)
What?!
JERRY
Can I make it up to you? I'll give you
fifty bucks for the jug.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.
JERRY
Well, then I'm not going to the game
either. Okay? I'll give him both tickets.
GEORGE
(pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife
in his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee..
Go, go!
JERRY
I.. no, I don't want to go.
GEORGE
He was really crying?
JERRY
I had to give him a tissue. In fact,
let me call his machine now and I'll
just make up some excuse why I can't
go to the game either.
GEORGE
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long
as you're going to lie to the guy, why
don't you tell him that you lost both
of the tickets, then we could go?
JERRY
George, the man wept.
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you.
This pizza idea, is really going to
happen.
GEORGE
This is the thing where you go and you
have to make your own pizza?
KRAMER
Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash
it, you pound it, you fling it in the
air; and then you get to put your sauce
and you get to sprinkle your cheese,
and they - you slide it into the oven.
GOERGE
You know, you have to know how to do
that. You can't have people shoving
their arms into a six-hundred degree
oven.
KRAMER
It's all supervised.
GEORGE
Oh, well.
KRAMER
All of it. You want to invest?
GEORGE
My money's all tied up in change right
now.
KRAMER
No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really
want to make their own pizza pie.
JERRY
I have to say something. With all due
respect, I just never.. I can't imagine
anyone in any walk of life, under any
circumstance, wanting to make their
own
pizza pie.. but that's me.
KRAMER
That's you.
JERRY
I'm just saying..
KRAMER
Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with
you guys.
JERRY
Okay.
KRAMER
You know, this business is going to
be big. I just wanted .. okay. (he exits
quickly, then sticks his head back through
the door) One day, you'll beg me to
make your own pie. (he leaves)
(Jerry dials up Joel)
JERRY
Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you
get this before you - Oh, Hi. Joel..
oh, you just came in.. listen, I can't
amke it to the game tonight. I, uh,
have to tutor my
nephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry.. you know,
trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're
at the Will-Call window..
And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk next week.
Okay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up).
GEORGE
Trapezoid?
JERRY
I know. I'm really running out of excuses
with this guy. I need some kind of excuse
Rolodex.
(Scene ends.)
(Jerry's apartment, night time)
ELAINE
Come on, let's go do something. I don't
want to just sit around here.
JERRY
Okay.
ELAINE
Want to go get something to eat?
JERRY
Where do you want to go?
ELAINE
I don't care, I'm not hungry.
JERRY
We could go to one of those cappuccino
places. They let you just sit there.
ELAINE
What are we gonna do there? Talk?
JERRY
We can talk.
ELAINE
I'll go if I don't have to talk.
JERRY
We'll just sit there.
ELAINE
Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first.
(Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading it.)
ELAINE
(cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport."
"Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy."
JERRY
Okay, just ahnd that over, please.
ELAINE
Oh, what is this?
JERRY
It's a list of excuses, it's for that
guy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight
with my tickets. I have that list now
so in case he calls, I just consult
it and i don't
have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing
on the list.) What are you doing?
ELAINE
I got some for you.
JERRY
I don't need anymore.
ELAINE
No, no, no, no, no, these are good.
Listen, listen: "You ran out of underwear,
you can't leave the house."
JERRY
(sarcastic) Very funny.
ELAINE
How about: "You've been diagnosed as
a multiple personality, you're not even
you, you're Dan."
JERRY
I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?
ELAINE
(gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry
Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing
this. This is absolutely infantile.
JERRY
What can I do?
ELAINE
Deal with it. Be a man!
JERRY
Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather
lie to him for the rest of my life that
go through that again. He was crying,
tears accompanied by mucus.
ELAINE
You made a man cry? I've never made
a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the
groin once and he didn't cry.. I got
the cab.
JERRY
A couple of touch monkeys.
(Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey,
you missed a great game tonight, buddy!
JERRY
Game?
KRAMER
Knock game. Horneck took me. We were
sitting two rows behind the bench. We
were getting hit by sweat!
JERRY
Wait. How does Horneck know you?
KRAMER
Last week. When I, you know, game you
the phone. He's really into my pizza
place idea!
JERRY
This is too much.
ELAINE
Wait, what pizza place idea?
JERRY
Oh, no.
KRAMER
You make your own pie!
ELAINE
Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It
would be fun.
JOEL
(from the hallway.)Kramer..
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Perfect.
(Horneck enters.)
JOEL
Hey..
KRAMER
Okay, who wants meatloaf?
JERRY AND ELAINE
No thanks.
KRAMER
(to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute.
(exits)
JOEL
So, I though you were tutoring your
nephew?
JERRY
Oh, we finished early.
JOEL
Uhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to
introduce me to your - nephew?
JERRY
Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.
ELAINE
Hi.
JOEL
Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though
you guys split?
JERRY
We're still friends.
JOEL
So, thanks again for those tickets.
But next week, I'm going to take you.
You about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine)
And why don't you come along?
ELAINE
Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue
we've got choir practice.
JERRY
Right. I forgot about choir.
ELAINE
We're doing that evening of Eastern
European National Anthems.
JERRY
Right. You know, the wall being down
and everything.
JOEL
(to Jerry) What about Thursday night?
I mean they're playing the Sonics.
(Jerry shakes his head.)
ELAINE
Huh... Thursday is not good because
we've got to get to the hospital to
see if we qualify as those organ donors.
JOEL
You know, I should really try something
like that.
JERRY
You really should.
JOEL
Well, let's just take a look here. (looks
at his schedule) Forty-one home games.
Saturday night we've got the mavericks.
If you don't like the Mavericks, next
Tuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let's
see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back
on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls.
You can't miss Air Jordan..
(Scene ends.)
(Nightclub)
JERRY
You know, I really.. I've come to the
conclusion that there are certain friends
in you life that they're just always
your friends and you have to accept
it. You
see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't call them.
They call you. You don't call back. They call again. The only
way to get through talking with people
that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend
you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do.
You pretend there's a little desk around
you. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say,
"Hey, it's been great having you on the show. Were out of time."
THE END
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