THE APARTMENT
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Night club)
JERRY
Well, I painted my apartment again.
I've been living in this apartment for
years and years, and every time I paint
it, it kinda gets me down. I look around,
and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I
realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of
it. It keeps coming in and coming in. Everytime I
paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the
wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two
slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to
push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug
in.. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on
the Starship Enterprise. You know what
I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star
Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through
space in your living room, watching
TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because
Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday
night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be
there.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded.
His hair is slicked down)
JERRY
What did you do?
KRAMER
Mousse. I moussed up.
ELAINE
I guess it was just a matter of time.
KRAMER
You know, I should've done this years
ago. I mean, I feel like I had two lives.
My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse.
Hey, tell me the truth,
have you ever seen a better looking guy?
JERRY
Oh, look, its so subjective.
ELAINE
I don't mean to interrupt or anything,
but on Sunday, my friend is having a
brunch for the New York Marathon.
KRAMER
Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that.
ELAINE
She lives right above First Avenue,
and says she has a perfect view of the
race. And she said I can invite some
friends.
JERRY
Maybe.
(A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny,
the building supervisors)
HAROLD
No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams
out something in Spanish)
JERRY
Harold and Manny.
HAROLD
I'm not going. (Manny says something
in Spanish, Jerry goes out into the
hall)
JERRY
Boys, boys.
HAROLD
Oh, Jerry.
JERRY
I slid the rent under your door, Harold.
Did you get it?
HAROLD
Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would
you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalker's
apartment? (Manny starts yelling at
Harold in Spanish) I was only
joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's
things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there
now and clean the apartment.
It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there
for a month.
JERRY
She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died?
HAROLD
Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday.
She didn't have a wig on. It was horrifying.
MANNY
Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry
up!
HAROLD
(To Manny) What's the matter with you?!
I'm talking. So, Jerry, you know anyone
who needs an apartment?
JERRY
Are you kidding? You know my friend
Elaine?
HAROLD
Oh yeah, I like her. She always says
"hello" to me.
JERRY
It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause
she would take it in a second.
HAROLD
Well, Manny wanted it for his brother,
but he got deported. (Manny starts protesting
in Spanish) What's the difference? It's
true.
JERRY
So, it's okay? I could just tell her
she can have it?
HAROLD
Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain,
too. It's only four hundred dollars
a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay..
(Manny keeps talking in Spanish) Okay.
(Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way)
KRAMER
(Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold,
what do you think?
HAROLD
Manny, look, Kramer put mousse in his
hair.
MANNY
(In Spanish) It looks worse.
KRAMER
(Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks.
(Jerry enters his apartment)
ELAINE
What was that all about?
JERRY
Oh, nothing important.
ELAINE
What's going on? What is that look?
JERRY
What look? Nothing.
ELAINE
Something's going on here.
JERRY
I don't know if you should sit for this
or not. Sitting is good if you faint,
but standing is good for jumping up
and down.. I can't decide.
ELAINE
Jumping up and down? What are you talking
about? C'mon. Cough it up.
JERRY
Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am -
rarely ever thinking of myself. My only
concern is the welfare and happiness
of those close to me. Sure, it hurts
sometimes - to give, and give, and give..
ELAINE
Would you please?
JERRY
What would you say if I told you that..
ELAINE
Told me what?!
JERRY
..I got you an apartment in this building.
ELAINE
(Dumbfounded) No.
JERRY
Yes.
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Yes.
ELAINE
You didn't.
JERRY
I did.
ELAINE
You got me an apartment in the building?!
JERRY
I got you an apartment in the building.
ELAINE
How did you..
JERRY
Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old
woman who lived above me?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
She died.
ELAINE
(Thrilled) She died?!
JERRY
She died.
ELAINE
She died!
JERRY
And the rent's only four hundred dollars
a month!
ELAINE
Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles
back) Four hundred a month? Only four
hundred a month?!
JERRY
Four hundred a month.
ELAINE
And I'll be right upstairs?
JERRY
Right upstairs.
ELAINE
Right above you?
JERRY
Right above me.
ELAINE
Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all
the time!
JERRY
(Suddenly having second thoughts) All
the time..
ELAINE
We can exchange keys so we can come
in and out. Oh, this is going to be
great!
JERRY
..All the time..
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
The problem with talking is that nobody
stops you from saying the wrong thing.
I think life would be a lot better if
it was like you're always making a movie.
You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole
shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you
could take back. You're out
somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?" "Cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the
door, and come back in. Let's take
this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!"
(Scene ends)
(Coffee shop)
GEORGE
(Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later,
Donna. (Walks out, he runs into Jerry
outside the shop) What happened to you?
JERRY
You can't believe what I just did.
GEORGE
What? What did you do?
JERRY
I could tell you what I did, but you
wouldn't believe it. It's not believable.
GEORGE
What did you do?
JERRY
How could I have done that?
GEORGE
Done what?
JERRY
I told Elaine about an apartment opening
up in my building. She's going to move
in.
GEORGE
Elaine's moving into your building?
JERRY
Yes. Right above me.
GEORGE
Right above you?
JERRY
Yes.
GEORGE
You're gonna be neighbors.
JERRY
I know. Neighbors.
GEORGE
She's right above you?
JERRY
Right above me.
GEORGE
How could you do that?
JERRY
'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're
an idiot, but with all due respect -
I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
GEORGE
Don't insult me, my friend. Remember
who you're talking to. No one's a bigger
idiot than me.
JERRY
Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to
move into your building?
GEORGE
Did you ever go to a singles weekend
in the Poconos?
JERRY
She's right in my building! Right above
me! Every time I come in the building,
I'm gonna have to sneak around like
a cat burglar.
GEORGE
You're doomed. You're gonna have to
have all your sex at women's apartments.
It'll be like a permanent road trip.
Forget about the home bed
advantage.
JERRY
But I need the home bed advantage!
GEORGE
Of course, we all do.
JERRY
(Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come
in for two minutes and sit with me.
GEORGE
I was just in there. It's embarrassing.
JERRY
Oh, who's gonna know?
GEORGE
They saw me walk out.
JERRY
Two minutes.
(Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop)
JERRY
My censoring system broke down. You
know that little guy in your head who
watches everything you say? Makes sure
you don't make a mistake? He went
for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life.
GEORGE
My censor quit two years ago. He checked
into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.
JERRY
..So, is there any way out of this Elaine
thing?
GEORGE
Tough.
JERRY
You know, the water pressure's terrible
in my building.. and she loves a good
shower.
GEORGE
I don't think anyone's turned down an
apartment because of a weak shower spray.
JERRY
If they were fanatic about showers,
they might.
GEORGE
For that rent, she'd take a bath in
the toilet tank if she had to..
JERRY
Look at that woman feeding her baby
greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned
beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?
GEORGE
I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you
have to have a date first.. remember
my friend, Adam, from Detroit?
JERRY
Yeah, the guy with the flat head?
GEORGE
He's a cube.. anyway, he got married
six months ago. he told me ever since
he's been wearing a wedding band, women
have been coming on to him
everywhere he goes.
JERRY
Yeah, I've heard that about wedding
bands.
GEORGE
(Joking) I wonder if that's really true.
JERRY
That would be an interesting sociological
experiment. You know, Kramer has his
father's band. He'd loan it to you.
(Scene ends)
(Apartment buliding hallway)
(George is trying on a wedding band)
GEORGE
Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you
in a week.
KRAMER
You know, I don't even know why you're
fooling around with this ring. I've
been telling you, get yourself some
plugs, or a piece.
GEORGE
I'm not doing that.
KRAMER
Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're
a good looking guy. What do you want
to walk around like that for?
GEORGE
No, I'll put half a can of mousse in
my head like you.
(Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall)
HAROLD
I told you I don't like these sponges,
they're too small! I want a big sponge!
(Manny yells) You can't pick up anything
with these! There's no absorption!
(Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment)
JERRY
Boys, boys.
HAROLD
Hi, Jerry.
HAROLD
Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish
to Harold)
HAROLD
Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment,
Jerry.
JERRY
What?
HAROLD
Because somebody offered Manny five
thousand dollars for the apartment.
I don't want to do it. Manny wants to
do it. (Manny yells) Because it's true!
Why shouldn't I tell him?
JERRY
Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen.
(Manny talks in Spanish)
HAROLD
Oh, now, he says that if your friend
has five thousand dollars, we'll give
it to her.
JERRY
Well, that's a lot of money. But, if
that's the way it's gotta be, that's
the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to
his apartment) You know, I used to think
that the
universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events,
but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
GEORGE
What happened to you?
JERRY
Religion, my friend, that's what happened
to me. Because, I have just been informed
that it's going to cost Elaine the sum
of five thousand dollars to get the
apartment upstairs.
GEORGE
Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have
five thousand dollars!
JERRY
Of course she doesn't have five thousand
dollars!
GEORGE
So, she can't get the apartment.
JERRY
Can't get it.
GEORGE
So, she doesn't move in.
JERRY
No move. So, you see, it's all part
of a divine plan.
GEORGE
And how does the baldness fit into that
plan?
(The intercom buzzes)
JERRY
(Into the intercom) Elaine?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
(Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright,
this is going to require some great
acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed.
You're going to really see
me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should
go in the other room.
GEORGE
Are you kidding?! I lie ever second
of the day. My whole life is a sham!
JERRY
'Cause you know, I love Elaine.
GEORGE
Of course you do.
JERRY
But you know.. not in the building.
Really, I feel terrible about this.
My intentions were good. What can I
do? Tell me..
(To someone in the hallway) No, I'll
be seeing you. (Starts to sing) "Good
morning, good morning.." Have you ever
gotten up in the morning
and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift
of sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other
room) Oh, and before I forget, I have the
checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have
seventy-five dollars left in my account.
JERRY
(Looks at the checks) Well.. there's
a little bit of a problem.
ELAINE
Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray,
I know. I've already thought about it,
and I'm switching to baths. As Winston
Churchill said, "Why stand when
you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies..
JERRY
No, someone offered Harold and Manny
five thousand for the apartment. I'm
sure they'd just as soon give it to
you, but you'd have to come up with
that
money.
ELAINE
Five thousand dollars? I don't have
five thousand dollars.
JERRY
I know.
ELAINE
How am I going to get five thousand
dollars?
JERRY
I have no idea.
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Hey, my new neighbor!
ELAINE
I'm not moving in.
KRAMER
What?
ELAINE
They want five thousand dollars now.
KRAMER
So, okay. What's the problem?
ELAINE
I don't have five thousand dollars.
KRAMER
C'mon, you can come up with five thousand
dollars.. Jerry, you don't have five
thousand dollars you can led her? Come
on.
JERRY
Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something
you want to borrow?
ELAINE
No, that's too much money to borrow.
KRAMER
Loan her the money. You can afford it.
JERRY
She doesn't want to borrow the money.
KRAMER
Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's
five grand between friends?
ELAINE
Of course I'd pay you back..
KRAMER
Yeah, so what's the problem?
JERRY
Who said there's a problem?
KRAMER
He said he'd loan you the money.
ELAINE
Well Jerry, it might take a while for
me to pay you back. Maybe a few years.
How do you feel about that?
KRAMER
That's okay. He doesn't care.
ELAINE
You know, money can sometimes come between
friends.
KRAMER
Get outta here.
ELAINE
Let me think about it.
KRAMER
What's to think about?
ELAINE
I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand..
let me just take one more look at it.
(Leaves)
JERRY
It was all over! Taken care of. Done!
Finished. Five thousand.. Where's she
gonna get five thousand? She doesn't
have five thousand. Clean. Good bye.
She's gone. Then you come in, "Why don't you loan her five thousand?
What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand."
KRAMER
You didn't want her in the building?
JERRY
No, I didn't!
KRAMER
Well, then what did you loan her the
five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she
won't take it.. I mean, she did say
that she was going to think about it.
JERRY
People don't turn down money! It's what
separates us from the animals.
KRAMER
I still don't understand what the problem
is having her in the building.
JERRY
Let me explain something to you.. You
see, you're not normal. You're a great
guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I,
on the other hand, am a human being.
I
sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain
situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
KRAMER
Because I'm a pod?
(George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns)
ELAINE
I'll take it!
(George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room)
(Scene ends)
(Roxanne's apartment)
(Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry
and George. Roxanne greets them)
ROXANNE
Hi, Elaine..
ELAINE
Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These
are my friends. This is George, and
this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings)
Jerry's the one who got me my new
apartment!
ROXANNE
So, you're Elaine's hero.
JERRY
Yeah, it's my life's work.
ROXANNE
There are so few true heros left in
this world. (Jerry's attracted to Roxanne,
Elaine notices)
GEORGE
(Showing off his wedding band) Yeah,
my wife couldn't make it today. She's
got some thing with her mother.. Who
know's what going on with her. Don't
let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle)
JERRY
Well, better load up on some carbos
before the race. (Starts selecting food
from the tables)
ROXANNE
Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
JERRY
Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in
it.
ROXANNE
I wish we had a view of the finish line.
JERRY
What's to see? A woman from Norway,
a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand
losers.
(Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next
to an attractive woman)
GEORGE
..Yeah, my wife started getting on me
about the lawn today. I'm tellin' ya,
it's one thing after another.
RITA
Is she here?
GEORGE
No, she's working.
RITA
What does she do?
GEORGE
She's an.. entymologist - you know,
bees, flies, gnats. What about you?
RITA
I work for the Director of Madison Square
Garden. It's great! I can get free tickets
to any sporting even in New York. (George
is stunned) Anyway, she's a
very luck woman.
GEORGE
But.. (She leaves, George is standing
there)
(Scene cuts to an entering man and woman)
ROXANNE
Hi Stan. Joanne.
ELAINE
Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan.
They're in my short story class with
Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got
me a great apartment in his building!
JOANNE
Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a
close friend nearby?
JERRY
Fantastic..
STAN
She can pop in whenever she wants.
JERRY
I know.
JOANNE
She doesn't even need to knock!
JERRY
It's tremendous.
STAN
Anytime of day.
JERRY
I'm in heaven.
ELAINE
Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's
the one who got me the apartment.
RITA
Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this
is the guy who got Elaine the apartment.
(Scene cuts to George)
GEORGE
I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal
about being a matador. The bull charges,
you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The
both laugh flirtingly)
SUSIE
So, are you really married? Because,
I've actually heard of single guys who
wear wedding bands to attrack women.
GEORGE
You'd have to be a real loser to try
something like that.
SUSIE
That's too bad, because I really have
a thing for bald guys with glasses.
(Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George)
RITA
Hey everybody! Here come the runners!
(Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put)
ELAINE
So you and Roxanne are hitting it off,
huh?
JERRY
Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.
ELAINE
Really? From a distance, you seemed
to be coming on to her.
JERRY
I'm a guy.. it always looks like that.
ELAINE
Because, I was thinking.. are you at
all concerned that living in the same
building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?
JERRY
Na..
ELAINE
Because, I was worried that there might
be a situation in which one of us come
home with somebody, it could get a little
uncomfortable. But - as long as
you're okay with it, it's fine with me.
(Scene cuts to George)
JANICE
I've never been able to be with just
one person. I can, however, carry on
strictly physical relationships which
can last for years and years. It's a
shame
you're married..
GEORGE
(Frantically tries to take the ring
off) I'm not. It's just a sociological
experiment!
JANICE
Please.. (Walks away)
(Jerry walks over to George)
JERRY
You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine
just gave me a chance to get out and
I didn't take it. (Points to himself)
This is an idiot.
GEORGE
Is that right? (Showing him up) I just
threw away a lifetime of guilt-free
sex and floor seats for ever sporting
event in Madison Square Garden. So please,
a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!
ROXANNE
(Yelling out the window) You're all
winners!
GEORGE
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged..
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
(Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep
at all last night.. I decided I have
to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest.
That's all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are
you
listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide
right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you
back after I talk to her. Bye.
KRAMER
Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's
cool.
JERRY
What? What's cool?
KRAMER
Elaine.
JERRY
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
I just found a guy who's willing to
pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.
JERRY
You what?! Get out! Ten thousand?
KRAMER
(Nods) Cash.
JERRY
Who would pay that much?
KRAMER
He's in the music business.
JERRY
Elaine would never borrow that much
money! (Hugs Kramer, then grabs him
by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man!
This is beautiful! I think I'm in the
clear
here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She
has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I"m golden!
KRAMER
Well, occasionally, I like to help the
humans.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is
coming through the walls)
ELAINE
Wow. You're right. That is loud.
JERRY
It's just unbelievable.
ELAINE
They rehearse all the time?
JERRY
All the time. I've been up there six
times. They refuse to stop. I can't
live like this. I don't know what I'm
gonna do. I'm heading for breakdown!
(To Harold)
Can't you do something?
HAROLD
I'm not going up. It stinks up there.
JERRY
Manny..
MANNY
(In Spanish) They're allowed to play
until eleven o' clock.
HAROLD
I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock.
He makes up his own rules.
ELAINE
Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd
never hear a peep out of me. I'm as
quiet as a mouse.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
(Talking about the music) Oh, I love
the one they do right after this one!
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
I don't know. What do you do when a
neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise
at three o' clock in the morning? I
mean, can you knock on someone's door
and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole
self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening
to me? Can I do this? Am I a
shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going
on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh....
shhh... shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause
nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh.
"Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." Some people
you can't shush in a movie
theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it.
They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing
them, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.
THE END
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