THE BABY SHOWER
Written by
Larry Charles
(Night club)
JERRY
Men flip around the television more
than women, I think. Men get that remote
control in their hands, they don't even
know what the hell they're watching.
You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it..
" "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going."
"Who was that?" "I don't know what it
was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter,
I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will
stop and go, "Well, let me see what the
show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly.
Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we
watch TV differently. Before
there was flipping around, before there was television, kings
and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would
tell them stories 'cause that was their
entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get,
like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip
around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story,
what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to
the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in
that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next
guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut
up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want
to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of
here. I'm going to bed."
(Scene ends)
(Coffee shop)
GEORGE
(Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is
pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.
JERRY
She's the performance artist, right?
GEORGE
(Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist.
She's a real performer. A real trooper.
JERRY
What's her husband's name, again? Chip?
Kip? Skip?
ELAINE
Todd.
JERRY
Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.
ELAINE
No, he's not.
JERRY
C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.
ELAINE
By marriage.
JERRY
Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went
to their wedding. You should have heard
him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying
to blame the whole thing on
bad directions.
GEORGE
That woman was unequivocally the worst
date of my life.
ELAINE
Oh, pardon me for trying to set you
up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.
GEORGE
What, you don't think I can attract
beautiful, intelligent women?
JERRY
Thin ice, George. Thin ice..
GEORGE
(Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance
piece she'll give birth on stage.
ELAINE
She stopped performing.
GEORGE
(Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow
to the culture.
JERRY
(Gesturing to George) You believe this
guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.
GEORGE
She dragged me down to that warehouse
on the waterfront in Brooklin to see
one of her "performances".
JERRY
Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for
some celebrity?
GEORGE
God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's
yelling and screaming, and the next
thing I know, she throws a big can of
chocolate syrup all over my new red
shirt.
ELAINE
It was an accident!
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She
was aiming right at me like she was
putting out a fire! Then, for the rest
of the show, I'm sitting there with
chocolate all
over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing
all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally,
backstage when I talk to her, I'm a
groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw
any other foods?"
JERRY
(To Elaine) he thought he still had
a shot.
GEORGE
And then, then, then she leaves with
somebody else! Never even, never even
said goodbye! Never called me back..
Never apologized. Nothing. Like I
was dirt.
JERRY
What ever happened with the shirt?
GEORGE
I still have it. The collar's okay.
I wear it under sweaters.
ELAINE
I don't know what I'm gonna do. She
asked me to give her a baby shower.
JERRY
Asked you? You're not going to do that
are you?
ELAINE
anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I
have a problem saying no to. For some
reason, I seem to want her approval.
GEORGE
Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.
JERRY
Ask not what I can do for you - ask
what you can do for me.
GEORGE
(Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.
ELAINE
Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys?
Why does everybody make such a big deal
about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?!
Who cares?! It's
all so boring..
GEORGE
She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She
deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves
Rosemary's baby!
ELAINE
(To Jerry) I do have one teeny little
problem, though.
GEORGE
Never said goodbye. Never apologized.
Nothing.
ELAINE
See, I was gonna give the shower in
my apartment..
JERRY
But?
ELAINE
My roommate has Lyme disease.
JERRY
Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr
Syndrome?
ELAINE
She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr.
It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist
of Lyme disease.
JERRY
How did she get Lyme disease?
ELAINE
I don't know. She did some outdoor version
of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.
JERRY
They still do that play?
ELAINE
It's a classic.
JERRY
With all the nudity?
ELAINE
I guess. She must've rolled over on
a tick during the love-in.
GEORGE
(Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye.
Goodbye!
JERRY
Explain to me how this baby shower thing
works.
ELAINE
What do you wanna know?
JERRY
Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into
a drunken orgy of violence?
ELAINE
Rarely.
JERRY
There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything,
is there?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
When is this suppose to be?
ELAINE
Saturday.
JERRY
Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo
on Saturday. They're not gonna bust
up my apartment, or anything, are they?
ELAINE
I'll take full responsibility. You won't
regret it.
JERRY
'Cause I've seen these pregnant women
- and they sometimes misjudge their
fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn,
and boom! And entire buffet is swept
off
the table.
GEORGE
Someday, before I die, mark my words
- I'm gonna tell that woman exactly
what I think of her. I'll never be able
to forgive myself until I do.
JERRY
And if you do?
GEORGE
I still won't be able to forgive myself
- but at least it won't be about this.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the
dials as Kramer looks over his shoulder)
KRAMER
What are you doing this for? Look at
you..
JERRY
Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.
KRAMER
But you don't have to do this! This
guy is waiting in my house.
JERRY
(Pleading) Leave me alone.
KRAMER
It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty
bucks. Why live like this?!
JERRY
I'm not getting illegal cable!
KRAMER
Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna
wait for the cable companies to resolve
their dispute? They're gonna be in court
for years.
JERRY
No, I read in the paper..
KRAMER
(Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..
JERRY
Well, they might hook us up again.
KRAMER
Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable
companies care about is the "Big Mammoo."
(Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you!
You're banging things..
Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six
channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!
JERRY
Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.
KRAMER
Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do
you know what you're saying?!
JERRY
What you're suggesting is illegal.
KRAMER
It's not illegal.
JERRY
It's against the law.
KRAMER
Well, yeah.
JERRY
(Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just,
just, hold this. Can you hold that?
KRAMER
(Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will
you at least let me bring the guy over?
He's an amazing man. He's a Russian
immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's
like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter.
He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.
JERRY
A real human rights nut, huh?
KRAMER
Yeah. He's intense, man.
JERRY
I don't know. What if I get caught?
KRAMER
Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look,
let me get him. Man, it's the nineties,
it's Hammer time! Come on, just let
me get him.
(Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He
then returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and
his assistant. Tabachnick mumbles,
shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks
confused)
JERRY
You know, why don't we wait? Because,
I'm going out of town tomarrow.
TABACHNICK
Tomarrow okay.
KRAMER
No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole
thing installed by the time you get
back.
JERRY
(Mutters to himself) Every time I turn
on the TV, sirens are gonna go off.
They're gonna track me down like a dog,
I know it..
KRAMER
No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry,
it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have
seventy-five games on cable this year..
JERRY
(Pauses, thinking about what Kramer
just said) Put it in.
KRAMER
You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters
some more, Kramer rubs his hands together
in anticipation, then starts dancing
around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's
gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting
for him)
MAN
Mr. Steinfeld?
JERRY
Seinfeld.
MAN
We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us
about your cable hook-up?
JERRY
My cable hook-up? What about it?
MAN
It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.
JERRY
It has? I've been out of town. How did
you know?
(An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)
KRAMER
Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to.
I had no choice. They were onto the
scam from the very beginning.
MAN
You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.
JERRY
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on!
We're just patsies. We're just a couple
of users.. We never sold the stuff.
What about the Russian guy? The Russian
guy is the guy you want.
(Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other
FBI men, and speaks without an accent now)
TABACHNICK
Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.
(Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for
the door)
KRAMER
No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire.
Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of
bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen
Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his
hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little
cable boy?..
(Scene ends)
(Airplane)
(Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess
approaches)
JERRY
Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?
STEWARDESS
I'm afraid not.
JERRY
What's with this airline? What are you,
cutting out the drinks now?
STEWARDESS
No sir. We're flying into a blizzard.
Please fasten your seat belt. We're
making an emergency landing.
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the
instructions again?
(The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)
BILL
My name is Bill. I might be the last
person you ever see.
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
I'm not afraid of flying, although many
people do have fear of flying and, I
have no arguement with that. I think
fear of flying is quite rational because,
human
beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have
fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This
isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I
don't belong here."
(Scene ends)
(George's car)
(George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater
with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)
GEORGE
Sounds like a rough trip.
JERRY
Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along
the runway. And then, when we landed
safely, they all seemed so disappointed.
GEORGE
So, the college cancelled the gig?
JERRY
Well, there was so much snow. The roads
were closed. I really appreciate it
- you picking me up. Thanks again.
GEORGE
(Modestly) Forget it.
JERRY
No, really.. an airport run.
GEORGE
It's nothing.
JERRY
Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could
you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest
it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something.
Jerry doesn't suspect anything -
yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it
makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.
JERRY
(Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes
did this, I'd be suspicious, you know.
He's always got some ulterior motive.
GEORGE
(Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.
JERRY
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't
take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't
go back to my place, Elaine's having
the shower.
GEORGE
(Obviously knows that, but pretends
he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright,
it's no big deal. We'll just go back
to your place.
GEORGE
My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place.
I don't wanna go back to my place.
JERRY
You want to get a bite?
GEORGE
Yeah, I would. It's just, you know,
I just ate a whole pot roast.
JERRY
Well, so what should we do?
GEORGE
Shouldn't we at least drop off your
bag?
(Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar,
then reaches over and pulls the sweater down)
JERRY
Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red
shirt!
GEORGE
(Nervous) What are you talking about?
JERRY
You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
GEORGE
I am? What a strange coincidence..
JERRY
A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you
gotta get up pretty early in the morning..
GEORGE
(Pleading) You gotta let me go over
there.
JERRY
What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant
woman at her own baby shower?! What
are you, gonna take it off and make
her rinse it in club soda?
GEORGE
No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose
so she can smell the scent of stale
Bosco that I had to live with for three
years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember
this
shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)
LESLIE
We just bought an apartment on Riverside
Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to
live there.
ELAINE
So, where's Todd?
LESLIE
Up in Hyannisport.
ELAINE
Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys?
Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?!
WOMAN
(To Leslie) So, when's your due date?
LESLIE
March twentieth, nine a.m.
WOMAN
You know the time!
LESLIE
I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist
told me if I go through labor, I might
get psychotic.
ELAINE
Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to
Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them?
You don't hear much about him these
days. Is he out of the loop?
LESLIE
(Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered
this, Sears?
(Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his
assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly.
The woman freeze at the sight,
then disperse nervously)
ELAINE
(Whispering to Kramer) What is this?!
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
We're putting in cable.
ELAINE
The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a
party here. You can't do this now!
KRAMER
Oh, we have to do this now.
(Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)
ELAINE
Who's this guy?
KRAMER
Which one?
ELAINE
Both of the them.
KRAMER
Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.
ELAINE
Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?
KRAMER
Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.
ELAINE
You can't! You can't do this now!
KRAMER
Elaine, do you know how booked up this
guy is? Now, if I send him away now,
it's gonna take Jerry months to get
him back.. He won't like that.
ELAINE
Alright. Just do it fast and then get
out.
KRAMER
(Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians
get to work on command. To Elaine) Look,
it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then,
you and the gals can take a
load off and watch something on Lifetime.
(Scene ends)
(George's car)
JERRY
And what if we go up there? What are
you going to say to her?
GEORGE
(Boiling) What am I going to say?!
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
What did you go out with me for?! Just
to dump chocolate on my shirt and then
just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve
that kind of treatment! What,
you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize!
You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and
ignored?! Who's shirt can be
ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist
who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like
I have some sort of disease?! You have
the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich
and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You
disgust me! You and everyone like
you!
JERRY
You'll never say that to her face.
GEORGE
Watch me.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
KRAMER
(Flirting with a female guest) Yeah,
I eat the whole apple. The core, stem,
seeds, everything.
ELAINE
(To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at
him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look!
He's eating all the food!
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are
many differences between American and
Soviet cultures that you're not aware
of. See, in Russian, the cable guy,
they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition.
(Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?
(Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start
fighting)
ELAINE
Kramer!
KRAMER
(Trying to break up the fight) Uh..
Excuse me..
(Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick
walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick
bangs on the door, and
shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets
into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter.
Elaine runs up to greet them)
ELAINE
What are you doing here? I thought you
were out of town for the weekend.
JERRY
The show was cancelled. There was a
blizzard.
ELAINE
I can't believe you told Kramer it's
okay to put the cable in during the
shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've
eaten everything.
(Leslie approaches them)
LESLIE
Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you
sere out of town.
JERRY
Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less
travelled is less travelled for a reason.
ELAINE
(Speaking confidentially to George)
George, don't even think about it! Don't
even dream about it!
GEORGE
(Unconvincingly coy) About what?
TABACHNICK
(Sticks his head out the door) Kramer,
Kramer, Kramer..
(Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as
Tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready
for Leslie - he takes off his sweater,
revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)
GEORGE
Leslie.
LESLIE
Yeah?
GEORGE
George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize
him) George Costanza.
LESLIE
Hi.
GEORGE
(Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember
me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went
out.. a couple of years ago.. once..
remember?
LESLIE
Vaguely.
GEORGE
You took me to one of your shows..
LESLIE
And?
GEORGE
And, um, it was quite good. In fact,
you even incorporated me into the show.
I'm not actually a performer. Although,
my parents felt I had talent..
(Scene cuts to Jerry)
MARY
Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches
him. Jerry looks confused) Remember
me?
JERRY
I'm sorry, I..
MARY
(Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring
a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three
years ago. You took me to one of your
shows.
JERRY
(Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..
MARY
Told me you had a great time! Said you'd
call me the next day.
JERRY
Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably
just lost your..
MARY
Liar! Liar! You were never going to
call me! You thought you could waltz
throught the rest of your life and never
bump into me again! But you were wrong,
Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor,
pathetic wretch?!
JERRY
No, I don't think that..
MARRY
Some person who could be dismissed and
ignored?! Some insignificant piece of
dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve
your respect and your
attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and
my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!
(She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms
out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)
GEORGE
Actually, I never had any formal training.
I guess I'd be better suited for improvs,
or something..
(Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate
cake is now all over George's shirt)
LESLIE
Thanks a lot!
(Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a
few women who are rushing out the door)
ELAINE
I'm sorry you have to go.
WOMAN
Yeah. I really have to be going.
(Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)
JERRY
Alright, listen, I've changed my mind
about this whole thing. I don't want
cable.
KRAMER
Don't be a fool.
TABACHNICK
You don't want?
JERRY
No, I don't want. So, just tell me what
I owe you for your trouble..
TABACHNICK
(Confers with his assistant, then) Four
hundred dollars.
JERRY
(To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You
told me one-fifty!
(Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and
is ready to leave)
LESLIE
I'm going.. obviously.
ELAINE
Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything
that went on here tonight. You know,
I had no idea..
LESLIE
Elaine, you know, I was watching you
tonight, and I realized something. You're
just like you were in college.
ELAINE
(Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment)
Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then
Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you
were in college"?
LESLIE
(Comes back, and yells in the direction
of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go!
(George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts
- embarrassed)
GEORGE
(Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right
back. (Leaves)
JERRY
(Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred
dollars! I don't even want the thing.
What are you going to do?!
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped
on chairs)
GEORGE
Every woman on the face of the earth
has complete control of my life. And
yet, I want them all.. is that irony?
ELAINE
Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw
John Junior once downtown. I was on
a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't
stop.
JERRY
Alright, I said I had a good time and
I'd call, but who takes that literally?
KRAMER
(Pops his head into Jerry's apartment)
Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on
cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn!
(Leaves)
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
What do you do at the end of a date
when you know you don't want to see
this person ever again, for the rest
of your life? What do you say? What
do you
say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around.
See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you
around that area. You'll be around other
people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take
care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now.
Take care, now. Because, I'm
not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care,
now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!"
Isn't that what you really want to say?
"Take off now."
THE END
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