THE BOYFRIEND PT 1
Written by
Larry David & Larry Levin
(Comedy club)
To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and
they're
working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape
but the
strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything.
The only
reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through
the
workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for
when we have
to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing
I don't get
about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty
towels and
smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these
disgusting gym
clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt
because he
has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't
even think
about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of
these locks
you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff
is safe.
(Gym Locker Room)
KRAMER
Wide open, I was wide open underneath!
I had three inches on that
guy. You two were hogging the ball.
GEORGE
Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the
ball. All you do is dribble.
JERRY
I have to dribble, if I give it to you,
you just shoot. You're a
chucker.
GEORGE
Oh I'm a chucker.
JERRY
That's right, everytime you get the
ball you shoot.
GEORGE
I can't believe you called me a chucker.
No way I'm a chucker, I do
not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck,
no chuck!
JERRY
You chuck.
GEROGE
Kramer am I a chucker?
KRAMER
You're a chucker.
GEORGE
All these years I've been chuckin' and
you've never told me?
JERRY
Well it's not an easy thing to bring
up.
KRAMER
Hey you know this is the first time
we've ever seen each other naked.
JERRY
Believe me I didn't see anything.
KRAMER
Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?
JERRY
No, did you?
KRAMER
Yeah, I snuck a peak.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
Why not? hey what about you George?
GEORGE
yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But
it was so fast I didn't see
anything. It was just a blur.
JERRY
I made a conscious effort not to look.
There's certain information I just
don't want to have.
KRAMER
Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right.
I'll see you later.
JERRY
All right
KRAMER
Have a good one.
JERRY
All right
GEORGE
See ya.
(Kramer exits)
GEORGE
look at this guy. Does he have to stretch
in here?
JERRY
You know who that is? That's
GEORGE
Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?
JERRY
Yeah, that's him.
GEORGE
Are you sure?
JERRY
Positive.
GEORGE
Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great
player.
JERRY
Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's
a Civil War buff.
GEORGE
I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ...
What do you have to do to be a buff
JERRY
So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well
sleeping less than 18 hours a day
would be a start.
GEORGE
ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two
weeks left of unemployment. I got
to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension
JERRY
Hey, should we say something to him?
GEORGE
Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from
fans in the locker room.
JERRY
well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't
mind.
GEORGE
He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY
So?
GEORGE
What are you comparing yourself to Keith
Hernandez. The guys a baseball
player Jerry, Baseball!
JERRY
I know what he is. I recognized him.
You didn't even notice him.
GEORGE
What, ... you are making some wisecracks
in a night club... wo wo wo.
The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination.
KEITH
Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you,
I'm Keith Hernandez and I just
want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy.
JERRY
Really?
KEITH
I've always wanted to do what you do.
JERRY
What I do? You are one of my favorite
ball players of all time
GEORGE
Mine too.
KEITH
I love that bit about Jimmy Olson
JERRY
Thank you.
GEORGE
You know Keith, what I've always wondered,
with all these ball clubs
flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane
crash? ...
KEITH
(to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in
new York right now?
JERRY
I'm performing in this club on the east
Side. You should come in.
GEORGE
But if you think about it...26 teams,
162 games a season, you'd think
eventually an entire team would get wiped out.
KEITH
You know, I live on the East Side.
JERRY
I'll tell you what, I'll give you my
number and uh, just give me a call,
tell me whenever you want to go.
KEITH
or maybe just to get together for a
cup of coffee
JERRY
Oh. that would be great.
GEORGE
Uh, it's only a matter of time.
KEITH
Who's this chucker?
---
(Monks)
JERRY
It's been three days and he hasn't called.
ELAINE
Well maybe you should call him.
JERRY
I can't ... I can't
ELAINE
Why not?
JERRY
I don't know. I just feel he should
call me.
ELAINE
What's the difference?
JERRY
You don't understand, Elaine. I don't
want to be overanxious. If he wants
to see me he has my number, he should call.
ELAINE
Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.
JERRY
I can't stand these guys. You give your
number to them and then they
don't call. Why do they do that?
ELAINE
I'm sorry honey.
JERRY
I mean, I thought he liked me. I really
thought he liked me. we were
getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him.
ELAINE
No,
JERRY
Why did he come over to me if he didn't
want to see me?
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
What did he come over to me if he didn't
want to see me? I mean here I
meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever
met in my life.
.. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another
guy again.
ELAINE
Sometimes I've given my number out to
guys and it takes them a month to
call.
JERRY
Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling
in a month he's got a prayer!
ELAINE
You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe
he's been out of town?
JERRY
Oh, they don't have phones out of town?
Why do(?) people say they're
too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How
can you be
too busy?
ELAINE
Why don't you just go ahead and call
him?
JERRY
I can't call here, it's a coffee shop.
I mean what am I going to say to
him?
ELAINE
Just ask him if he wants a to get together.
JERRY
For what dinner?
ELAINE
Dinner's good.
JERRY
Don't you think that's coming on a little
too strong? .. Isn't that like
a turn off?
ELAINE
Jerry, He's A GUY!
JERRY
... this is all .. very confusing.
STAND UP
=========
When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend.
Whatever the
group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're
not
interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not
interested in
seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't
know the food.
They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on
the gym or
someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have
a lot of
potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when
you're a kid,
you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little
kid what were
the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's
my friend,
they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great!
Come on in. Jump
up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at
all, You like
Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!
(New York State Department of Labor)
MRS. SOKOL
You know you only have two more weeks
before your benefits run out.
GEORGE
Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen
week extension.
MRS. SOKOL
So where have you been looking for work?
GEORGE
Well you know what I've discovered Mrs.
Sokol. It's not so much the
looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking
and listening I
am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination.
It's
looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.
MRS. SOKOL
Can you be specific about any of these
companies?
GEORGE
Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked
in and out of so many buildings
they all .. blend in together, I uh, ..
MRS. SOKOL
Well just give me one name.
GEORGE
Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh,
Vandaley Industries, I just saw
them. I got very close there. very close.
MRS. SOKOL
And what type of company is that?
GEORGE
Latex, latex manufacturing
MRS. SOKOL
And you interviewed there?
GEORGE
Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman,
the selling of latex, and
latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance.
MRS. SOKOL
I'm going to need an address and a phone
number for this uh,
Vandaley company...
GOERGE
You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend
in the gum business. I got a
gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right
to your door.
MRS. SOKOL
The address!
GEORGE
YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize
it?
MRS. SOKOL
No.
GEORGE
Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very
funny.
MRS. SOKOL
The ADDRESS!
GEORGE
uh, Uh, Vandaley Industries, is uh.
129 West 81st street. It's a very
small industry Vandaley. It's one of the reasons I wanted to
uh, work for them.
MRS. SOKOL
The PHONE number.
GEORGE
That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling
them soon because, they keep very
strange hours.
MRS. SOKOL
As soon as I'm done wit you!
GEORGE
Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in
with you next week uh, I gotta run
now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really
go to
uh,.
(George runs down hall)
(Street phone booth- George pulls kid out of booth)
GEORGE
(Frantically, takes phone and screams...)
He'll call you back.
(Jerry's Apartment)
KRAMER
(loungingly talking on phone) It's a
par five. So you know I step up to
the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of
the fairway.
I mean you know my hook, right?
JERRY
Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this
okay?
ELAINE
Jerry, ... He's a GUY!
KRAMER
well it's a dog leg left, so I play
the hook right? .. hold on there's
another call.
(Phone Booth)
GEORGE
(Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?
KRAMER
George?
GEORGE
Kramer put Jerry on the phone.
KRAMER
(Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle
of something. Call back.
GEORGE
Kramer!! Kramer no!!
KRAMER
... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting
for it to turn.
(Phone Booth)
GEORGE
hitting phone
(Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him)
(Jerry's Apartment)
KRAMER
Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, (Hangs
up) . . . you know that was
Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over
and see
the baby.
JERRY
Oh, see the baby again with the baby..
ELAINE
Who are they?
JERRY
Uh, he's this guy who used to live in
the building and they keep calling
us to see the baby.
JERRY
(imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi -
When are ya' gonna see the babi...
Can't they just send us a tape?
ELAINE
You know if you waited a few more months
it won't be a baby anymore
then you wouldn't have to see it.
JERRY
uh uh because then it would be all grown
up.
ELAINE
yeah ha ha ha
JERRY
Hey Kramer what do you think of this
shirt?
KRAMER
(does a double take) It's too busy
ELAINE
It looks like you're trying too hard
to make an impression on him.
You're not being yourself.
KRAMER
What guy?
JERRY
I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE
him.
KRAMER
Who are you talkin about?
JERRY
Uh, Keith uh Hernandez.
KRAMER
KEITH HERNANDEZ?
NEWMAN
(enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ?
(In cab)
GEORGE
Do me a favor would you? Would you change
lanes? Would you get outta
this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks.
They're
all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin
you please
please.
(changes lanes)
GEORGE
You know what, bad mistake my mistake
do me a favor go back to the other
lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow
what this lane
stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go
take this light -
take this light -
CABBY
That's it GET OUT!!
GEORGE
Get out?
CABBY
Get out of my cab.
GEORGE
Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab
(Cabby gets out)
GEORGE
No, no! You can't throw me out
(Wrestling in cab)
(Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
Hellooo Newman.
KRAMER
I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him.
NEWMAN
I despise him.
ELAINE
Why?
NEWMAN
Why? I'll tell you why...
KRAMER
Let me tell it ..
NEWMAN
No, you can't tell it ..
KRAMER
You always tell it ..
NEWMAN
All right, tell it.
KRAMER
Ja ja ja - just tell it
NEWMAN
June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're
enjoying a beautiful afternoon
in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a
five run Phillies
ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
KRAMER
Our day was ruined. There was a lot
of people, you know, they were
waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the
ramp ... (cut
to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella
man and
everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!) ... Newman was in front
of me. Keith
was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice
game pretty
boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp.
NEWMAN
A second later, something happened that
changed us in a deep and
profound way front that day forward.
ELAINE
What was it?
KRAMER
He spit on us.... and I screamed out,
"I'm hit!"
NEWMAN
Then I turned and the spit ricochet
of him and it hit me.
ELAINE
Wow! What a story.
JERRY
Unfortunately the immutable laws of
physics contradict the whole premise
of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss
Benes as
I've heard this story a number of times.
JERRY
Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me.
According to your story Keith
passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were
struck on
the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the
temple
striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then
cam off
the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him
to drop his
baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In
mid air
mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh.
That is one
magic luggie.
(THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SCENE IS THAT IT IS AN EXACT PARODY OF
KEVIN COSTNER'S COURTROOM SCENE IN
THE FILM JFK - AND WAYNE KNIGHT PLAYED THE SAME POSITION IN BOTH!!!)
NEWMAN
Well that's the way it happened.
JERRY
What happened to your head when you
got hit?
KRAMER
Well. uh, well my head went back and
to the left
JERRY
Again
KRAMER
Back and to the left
JERRY
Back and to the left Back and to the
left
ELAINE
So, what are you saying?
JERRY
I am saying that the spit could not
have come from behind ... that there
had to have been
a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the
spitter was behind you as you claimed
that would have caused your head to pitch forward.
ELAINE
So the spit could have only come from
the front and to the right.
JERRY
But that is not what they would have
you believe.
NEWMAN
I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits)
KRAMER
Wait, wait, (Exits)
JERRY
The sad thing is we may never know the
real truth.
(George runs in)
GEORGE
(Frantically) Did anybody call here
asking for Vandaley industries?
JERRY
No. What happened to you?
GEORGE
Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment
office and I told them that I was very
close
to getting a job with Vandaley Industries and I gave them your
phone number. So, when now when the phone
rings you've got to answer "Vanadaley Industries".
JERRY
I'm Vanadaley Industries?
GEORGE
Right.
JERRY
And what is that?
GEORGE
You're in latex
JERRY
Latex? And what do I do with latex?
GEORGE
Ya manufacture it.
ELAINE
Here in this little apartment?
JERRY
And what do I say about you?
GEORGE
You're considering hiring me for your
latex salesman.
JERRY
I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
GEORGE
Right.
JERRY
I don't think so. Why would I do that?
GEORGE
Because I asked you to.
JERRY
If you think I'm looking for someone
to just sit at a desk pushing papers
around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying
to
manufacture the stuff.
(Buzzer)
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
It's Keith.
JERRY
All right we're coming down.
GEORGE
KEITH HERNANDEZ:?
JERRY
Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go.
GEORGE
Where are you goin?
ELAINE
He's giving me a ride You know there
had to have been a second spitter.
But who was it? Who had the motive?
JERRY
That's what I've been trying to figure
out the past five years.
GEORGE
What the hell are you two talking about?
(All exit)
(Keith's car)
JERRY
Well that was really fun, thanks.
KEITH
Yeah, it really was.
JERRY
Should I shake his hand?
JERRY
Well, ...
KEITH
UH, do you want to catch a movie this
weekend? Have you seen JFK?
JERRY
No, I haven't.
JERRY
This weekend. WOW!
JERRY
Sure, that would be great.
JERRY
Damn, I was too overanxious, he must
have noticed that.
JERRY
I mean, ... if you want to.
KEITH
Well, how about this Friday?
JERRY
Yeah, Friday's okay.
JERRY
Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry
Seinfeld. You've been on
the Tonight Show.
JERRY
Well, good night (holds hand out and
shakes hand)
KEITH
Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the
woman we gave a ride to earlier
tonight,
JERRY
Elaine?
KEITH
Yeah. What's her story?
JERRY
Uh, I don't know, we used to go out.
KEITH
Would you mind if I gave her a call?
JERRY
For a date?
KEITH
Yeah.
JERRY
Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?
KEITH
You sure you don't mind?
JERRY
.... (silence)
(Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
So then we went to dinner.
GEORGE
Who paid?
JERRY
We split it.
GEORGE
Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game
six?
JERRY
Naw, I gotta wait until its just the
right time.
(Buzzer)
JERRY
Yeah
ELAINE
It's Elaine.
JERRY
Come on up.
GEORGE
So then what?
JERRY
Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.
GEORGE
Shake his hand?
JERRY
(smiling) Yeah
GEORGE
What kind of a shake does he have?
JERRY
Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump,
not too hard, you know, doesn't
have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he
was there.
GEORGE
So, uh, you gonna see him again?
JERRY
He asked me if I was doing anything
Friday night.
GEORGE
Wow! The weekend.
JERRY
So then as I was getting out of the
car, ...
ELAINE
HI
JERRY
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
Sooo, how was your date?
JERRY
What date? It's a GUY.
ELAINE
So you know , ... he called me.
JERRY
Already?
GEORGE
Keith called you?
ELAINE
(nods)
GEORGE
He he This guy really gets around.
ELAINE
Do you mind?
JERRY
I don't mind at all. Why should I mind?
What did he say?
ELAINE
He asked me out for Saturday night.
JERRY
Oh, ya' going?
ELAINE
I told him I was busy.
JERRY
Ah, really.
ELAINE
So, we're going out Friday.
(long pause)
JERRY
Friday?
ELAINE
yeah.
JERRY
He's going' out with you on Friday?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
He's supposed to see ME on Friday.
ELAINE
Oh, uh, I didn't know.
JERRY
We made plans.
ELAINE
Well, uh, I'll cancel it.
JERRY
No, don't cancel it.
ELAINE
Huh. Well this is a little awkward,
isn't it/
JERRY
Well, frankly it is.
ELAINE
I've never seen you jealous before.
JERRY
Well you're not even a fan. I was at
game six - you didn't even watch
it.
ELAINE
Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous
of him or you jealous of me?
(long pause)
JERRY
Any Hennigans around here?
(Phone rings)
JERRY
Vandaley Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking.
May we help you? ... Oh Hi
Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around
JERRY
No. No. I don't mind at all.
ELAINE
(whispers) No, no, no, I can cancel.
JERRY
Sure, we can do something next week.
ELAINE
(whispers I can cancel.
JERRY
No, its no problem at all.
ELAINE
(whispers) I,...
JERRY
Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That
was Keith. we're going to do
something next week.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey
JERRY
Hey what are you doing Friday night?
JERRY
Friday night? Nothin', ... now.
KRAMER
Okay, wanna come with me and see the
baby?
JERRY
Fasten your seat belts. we're goin'
to see the baby.
KRAMER
Come on, if you don't see the baby now
you're never gonna see it
JERRY
All right, I'll go
KRAMER
All right
(Jerry exits with garbage)
(Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment)
(phone rings)
KRAMER
Yallo. What delay industries?
ELAINE
no no , ..
GEORGE
(from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDALEY!
KRAMER
Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah
that's the right number but
this is an apartment
GEORGE
(from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDEL...
(George falls) ... vandaley
Industries, ...
KRAMER
no problem, ... no problem. (Hangs up)
... How did YOU know who that
was?
(Jerry enters - sees George on the floor)
JERRY
And you want to be my latex salesman.
(Notice magazine is on wrong side on the floor)
THE END
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