THE BUBBLE BOY
Written by
Larry David & Larry Charles
(Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Well this is it.
NAOMI
This is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese
food.
JERRY
Oh, you're welcome. You know I think
I ate too much of that garlic.
NAOMI
Yeah, me too,
JERRY
No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't
know those little things were garlic.
NAOMI
Laughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh).
Oh, you know what? I think Naked
gun is on. I've seen it. I
laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?
JERRY
No, I mean, I don't think so.
NAOMI
I thought you liked to laugh. I thought
you uwere happy go lucky.
JERRY
No, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky,
and I don't go. If anything
I'm sad stop unlucky.
NAOMI
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
JERRY
That's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean
to be funny there. Why don't you
check the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on.
GEORGE
(on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey,
hey are you all set foe the week end.
This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time
with Naomi.
All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's
like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
AAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin
and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...
(Jerry rips machine out of the wall plug)
JERRY
This thing has never worked right.
NAOMI
You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting
on a juicer?
JERRY
Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one
of the most beloved internationally
known cartoon characters of
all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha " Come
on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the
healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... extracts
the pulp and the vitamins, for long life
and vitality.
(break)
JERRY
How could you leave a mesage like that
on my machine.?
GEORGE
Well how could you just play your message
in front of anybody?
JERRY
Because I didn't think anyone would
leave it!
GEORGE
Well, I didn't think anyone would play
it.
JERRY
Well, now she's not going away for this
weekend.
GEORGE
What do you mean not goin'? We got plans
here. Call her up.
JERRY
Well, it's better anyway. I mean really.
What was going to happen? I'm a comedian.
How can I go out with a
girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out
with a fish monger.
Cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty
bad smell.
GEORGE
Well maybe you should ask Elaine.
JERRY
Yeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will
feel slighted.
GEORGE
Oh no no, don't say anything to Kramer.
Susan can't stand him. He vomited all
over her.
JERRY
Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell
smoke?
(Kramer enters smoking a cigar)
JERRY
Ah, Kramer.
KRAMER
Hello boys, top of the morning to ya.
What do you say? What do ya be?
JERRY
Will you put that thing out before you
start another fire. You had to give
him a box of cigars.
KRAMER
So, what are you guys doin this weekend?
JERRY
, GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh ..
KRAMER
Because I'm going to e playing golf
at the Westchester country club. Hum.
JERRY
Westchester? Isn't that a private club?
KRAMER
Oh, that's right buddy. It's private.
It's very private. But I met the pro
at the golf shop up on 49th St.
and I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play
a free round then he says anytime I lay one of
these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't
that beautiful.
JERRY
and GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye,
KRAMER
Man, I'm going to be hitting the links
all weekend. foooo
GEORGE
Gee, that's too bad.
JERRY
Too bad.
KRAMER
Why? What wa?
GEORGE
Well, they got any golf courses up there?
JERRY
and GEORGE: No, no, no, no.
GEORGE
That's pie country.
JERRY
Yeah
GEORGE
They do a lot of baking up there.
JERRY
They sell them by the side of the road.
PIE PIE PIE PIE
(MONKS)
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
Come on. I don't want to tag along with
George and Susan. If you're there it
will be a better group.
ELAINE
What's that?
JERRY
Ah, it's an autographed picture for
my dry cleaner. I don't know what to
write on these things.
I hate doin' this.
ELAINE
"I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean
pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?
JERRY
Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So,
come on, you going to go?
ELAINE
Well, what about the sleeping arrangements?
In the Cabin!
JERRY
Well, um same bed and uh, underwear
and a tee shirt.
ELAINE
What about me?
JERRY
You'll be naked of course.
ELAINE
Uh, thats, ...
MEL
Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?
JERRY
Yeah.
MEL
My name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive
that truck out there.
JERRY
Oh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo.
MEL
It's a fine product. Anyway I saw you
on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks
ago. I was watching
the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency
in his blood. Damnedest thing.
Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine
that? A bubble.
JERRY
A bubble?
ELAINE
A bubble?
MEL
Yes, a bubble!
MEL
Do you mind? May I?
ELAINE
Oh, sure.
(Mel sits down with them)
MEL
Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him
in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends
- just his mother and me.
And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed
everything. All for our little bubble boy
(breaks up in tears)
MEL
Excuse me, I
ELAINE
Here (giving out paper napkins)
MEL
Excuse me, anyway we were watching you
on TV
JERRY
You get in the bubble with him?
MEL
No. He can see through the bubble. It's
plastic.
JERRY
Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.
MEL
No, it's clear.
JERRY
Ah ha.
ELAINE
Who has the remote?
MEL
He does.
ELAINE
The remote goes through the bubble?
MEL
Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.
JERRY
So you have no control over the remote?
MEL
No, it's frustrating.
ELAINE
Yeah, of course, yeah.
MEL
So anyway, you're his favourite comedian.
he laughed so hard the other night we
had to give him an extra shot
of hemoglobin.
JERRY
That's nice!
MEL
Tomorrow is his birthday and it would
mean so much to him if you could find
it in your heart ta' pay him a visit
and just say hello.
JERRY
Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ...
ELAINE
Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit.
You'd be happy to.
JERRY
Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where
do you live, uh up town? Upper west
side?
MEL
Up state.
JERRY
Up state! Hummm.
(break)
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
He's a bubble boy.
GEORGE
A bubble boy?
JERRY
Yes. a bubble boy.
SUSANAOMI
What's a bubble boy?
JERRY
He lives in a bubble.
GEORGE
Boy!
SUSANAOMI
So, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?
JERRY
No, that's what I thought but apparently
it's just a big piece of plastic dividing
the room.
SUSANAOMI
Oh,
GEORGE
What kind of plastic do you think it
is? What do you think like that dry
cleaning plastic?
JERRY
That's no good. He wouldn't last ten
minutes in there. anyway what can I
do I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.
It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.
SUSANAOMI
Well, where does he live?
JERRY
I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'
SUSANAOMI
Wait a minute, This is right on the
way to the cabin.
GEORGE
All right, beautiful, so you stop in.
Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty
minutes and then we can go.
JERRY
You think we can do it?
SUSANAOMI
I know exactly where this is. You can
just follow us.
JERRY
Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think
I'm excited.
SUSANAOMI
I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love
this cabin. My grandfather built it
in 1947. It's it's incredible.
GEORGE
All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin
all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.
JERRY
OK,
(Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar)
KRAMER
Well,
GEORGE
and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.
(Susan recoils at his presence)
KRAMER
Well, I'm off to the links.
GEORGE
and JERRY: Yeah,
KRAMER
Listen, I want to thank you for the
invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make
it.
SUSANAOMI
The what?
GEORGE
Nothing, uh lets get going. Come on.
SUSANAOMI
Did you..
GEORGE
No, no, we'll talk about it later.
SUSANAOMI
Is that one of the cigars my father
gave you?
IN car on highway
ELAINE
hey, what's with George and Susan? Does
he actually like her?
JERRY
Ah, I don't know if he likes her as
much as he likes it.
ELAINE
Oh, that's nice!
JERRY
What's he doing? What is his hurry?
ELAINE
Well you know George. It's not enough
to get there. you gotta make good time.
JERRY
I know he once went from West 81st Street
to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.
I never heard the end of it....Look at him.
(George's car)
GEORGE
Would you stop that please. Would you
just stop that?
SUSANAOMI
Why?
GEORGE
... just sit in your seat over there
you're distracting me. We're making
incredible time here.
I once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15
minutes. hu uh Here hold this. It's
ten dollars for the tolls.
(Jerry's car)
JERRY
What's he doing? Is he out of his mind?
Do you see him? I don't even think I
see him anymore. Where is he?
ELAINE
Isn't that blue car him?
JERRY
No, no that's not him. What happened
to him? I can't believe it. I lost him.
That stupid idiot.
Now what are we going to do?
ELAINE
It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet
him at the bubble boy's house.
JERRY
I don't even know where the bubble boy
lives. I don't even remember the name
of the town.
ELAINE
Wa',you don't have the directions?
JERRY
No, I was following him.
ELAINE
How could you not take the directions?
JERRY
Because, HE'S my directions.
(from George's car)
SUSANAOMI
I didn't see them George.
(Jerry ranting in his car)
JERRY
we make all these plans - he goes a
hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's
over - incredible - just like that -
ELAINE
Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting
there waiting for you in his bubble,
or igloo thing or whatever.
JERRY
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW
WHERE I AM
ELAINE
Just get off at this exit. We'll figure
somethin' out.
(from George's car)
SUSANAOMI
We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST
THEM!
GEORGE
It's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive.
How hard is it to follow somebody?
SUSANAOMI
Well now what are you going to do?
GEORGE
It's fine, we'll just meet him at the
bubble boy's house.
SUSANAOMI
Does he have the address?
(Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper
from the counter)
JERRY
(answering machine) Leave a message.
I'll call you back. Thanks.
NAOMI
(on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi,
Listen, if its not too late I've changed
my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin
KRAMER
Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi,
Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next
door neighbour. Aw, well you know,
Jerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled.
Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got
pies and I got the directions right here.
(break)
(Kramer's car)
KRAMER
So then I drive all the way up to the
country club and then I find out they
got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind
if I smoke?
NAOMI
No.
KRAMER
These are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH)
Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes
con gleam.
NAOMI
ha ha ha ha ha ha
(The Sangers' house)
GEORGE
I don't know of this is the house. I
don't see Jerry's car anywhere.
(Susan smooches him)
GEORGE
Stop, would you quit it.
GEORGE
Maybe someone is going to see us here.
SUSANAOMI
So what? You are SUCH a prude.
GEORGE
Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I
swing with the best of them.
SUSANAOMI
Come on lets go in.
GEORGE
What?
SUSANAOMI
Well we should at least tell them what
happened. They might be very late if
they make it at all.
GEORGE
I can't go in there. I can't face the
bubble boy.
SUSANAOMI
What's the matter?
GEORGE
I just don't react well to these situations.
My grandmother died two months early
because of the way I reacted in the
hospital. She was getting' better.
And then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That
was the end of it.
SUSANAOMI
We're goin' in. Come on.
GEORGE
Susan, please... (grabs her)
SUSANAOMI
George. Stop.
GEORGE
Would you wai,..
(Highway diner)
JERRY
(ranting) Can't believe how a little
thing like George going too fast - how
my whole weekend is gone - the plans,
packing, ... everything
ELAINE
Your whole weekend? What about the bubble
boy?
JERRY
Why do you keep bringing up the bubble
boy. You don't have to mention the BB?
You don't have to mention the BB.
I know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding
me about the BB?
(Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum)
JERRY
I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey
club.
WAITRESS
How about you?
ELAINE
I'll just have a glass of water.
JERRY
(whispers) You can't just have water.
ELAINE
Why not? That's all I want.
JERRY
Well this is not like a park bench where
you just come in and sit down. It's
a business.
WAITRESS
Hold it a second. Don't you play on
TV?
JERRY
Oh, no.
ELAINE
YES! yes. You saw him on TV.
WAITRESS
What's your name?
ELAINE
Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY
Elaaaiinne...
WAITRESS
Garry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight
Show.
ELAINE
Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed
picture?
WAITRESS
Oh, ha ha
JERRY
Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.
ELAINE
He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes
car keys ) Now you get to sign another
one.
JERRY
I'm not lying.
ELAINE
Yeah, he is. (as she leaves)
JERRY
She'll have a cup of copy and a broiled
chicken.
(Sanger's house)
MRS. SANGER
You see it's not really a bubble. A
lot of people think it's an igloo. But
it's really just a plastic
divider.
GEORGE
and SUSANAOMI: (nod)
(long pause)
GEORGE
Can you uh, go in the bubble?
MRS. SANGER
Well, you have to put so many things
on because of the germs.
MEL
The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.
GEORGE
So then he makes his own bed?
MRS. SANGER
well, that's one of the things we fight
about.
MEL
Would you like to meet him?
GEORGE
Uh, well, you know,...
MRS. SANGER
He loves games. Maybe you could play
Trivial Pursuit with him.
DONALD
HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO
TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'.
AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER,
SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.
MRS. SANGER
(embarrassed) ha ha ha.
(Highway Diner)
he he he One picture left in the truck.
JERRY
Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned
out to be a GREAT weekend.
ELAINE
Where's my water?
JERRY
Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.
WAITRESS
Thanks.
ELAINE
Waddya' write?
WAITRESS
"There is nothing's finer than being
in your diner."
E, hu hu hu hu hu "There is nothing's finer than being in your
diner."?
JERRY
No good?
ELAINE
THIS is what you came up with?
JERRY
Well.
ELAINE
That is so lame. Jerry, people are going
to be reading that for the next twenty
years and laughing at you.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me,
excuse me. would you mind. I'd like
to take the picture back. I'm not happy
with what I wrote.
WAITRESS
It's good. I like it.
JERRY
No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail
you a new one with something really
funny written on it.
WAITRESS
Well, when you mail me a new one I'll
send you back this one.
JERRY
No, look, you don't understand. I, I
want the picture.
WAITRESS
RIGHT! (leaves)
(Donald's room)
MRS. SANGER
This is Donald.
GEORGE
Hi.
SUSANAOMI
Hello.
DONALD
WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?
MRS. SANGER
He's on his way. These are his friends.
DONALD
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN
A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?
GEORGE
'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's
in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh,
sister, also ... you know ...bubble.
I got a lot of bubble experience. Come
on.
DONALD
WHAT'S YOUR STORY?
SUSANAOMI
I, I have no story.
GEORGE
She works for NBC.
DONALD
HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?
MRS. SANGER
Donald, behave yourself.
DONALD
COME ON.
MRS. SANGER
I know. I know. Why don't you play a
game of trivial Pursuit?
GEORGE
Well, you know we gotta been running
because of the ...
DONALD
WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?
GEORGE
Humph, no, uh, it's just that ...
DONALD
I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
(Highway Diner)
JERRY
Look, I was nice enough to give you
the picture. I don't like what I wrote.
I don't want it up there. Now please
just give it back to me.
WAITRESS
You are really startin' to get under
my skin.
JERRY
I want that picture.
WAITRESS
Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe
you better just pay your check and get
out.
(Elaine digging into the roast chicken)
JERRY
I'm not paying for anything until I
get that back.
WAITRESS
Well, you ain't getting' it back.
JERRY
Well, maybe I'll just take it back.
(Hits picture)
ELAINE
This chicken is really good.
(BB's room)
DONALD
OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW
YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD!
GEORGE
All right BB. Let's just play... Who
invaded Spain in the 8th century?
DONALD
THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.
GEORGE
Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS.
The correct answer is, The MOOPS.
DONALD
MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS
YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.
GEORGE
I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.
DONALD
IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S
NO MOOPS.
GEORGE
It's MOOPS.
DONALD
MOORS.
GEORGE
MOOPS,
DONALD
MOORS!
(The4 cabin)
KRAMER
Hey, anybody home?
NAOMI
What should we do?
KRAMER
Huh, hold these (boxes of) pies.
(Kramer falls in through open window)
(Donald's room)
GEORGE
Help, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling
George)
DONALD
THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.
SUSANAOMI
Stop it. Let go of him!
MRS. SANGER
Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him
Donald. Donald!
DONALD
I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.
MRS. SANGER
Donald, ... donald...
DONALD
MOORS. SAY MOORS!
MRS. SANGER
Donald, No. ... stop it ..
(Susan bursts the bubble)
(hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat)
(Highway Diner)
(Waitress is strangling Jerry, cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine
is grabbing the cook)
JERRY
What are you doing? You're choking me.
Elaine!
WAITRESS
Are you going to pay for that?
JERRY
No, I want the picture back.
(angry guy enters)
MAN #1
Something's happened to the BB. They're
rushing him to the hospital.
WAITRESS
What? (releases Jerry)
JERRY
The BB? He lives around here?
MAN #1
That's his house right down the road.
MAN #2
He got in a fight with some guy.
GUY1
What kind of person would hurt the BB?
MAN #2
Some little bald guy from the city.
MAN #1
Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think
we ought to do somethin'?
(Elaine and Jerry make their escape)
(The cabin)
KRAMER
Naomi, come on let's get goin'.
NAOMI
But that lake must be freezing.
KRAMER
Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the
aging process.
NAOMI
Ready to go swimming?
KRAMER
Let's go. OK,
NAOMI
ha ha ha ha ha
(The Sanger house)
GEORGE
Jerry, what happened to you?
JERRY
What happened to you? You were going
like a hundred miles an hour.
GEORGE
I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying
to kill me. Susan tell him.
SUSANAOMI
It's a long story.
DONALD
HEY SEINFELD!
JERRY
Hey, Happy Birthday.
ELAINE
Hi.
DONALD
THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR
FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.
GEORGE
Oh, you lying little snot. And he's
a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?
DONALD
MOORS
GEORGE
MOOPS
DONALD
MOORS
(The towns people arrive)
MAN #1
There's the guy that tried to kill the
BB. Get him.
GEORGE
Go, go, get out, ...
(our heroes run for it)
(Jerry's car, sirens blasting)
JERRY
Fire engines?
(George's car)
GEORGE
Must be a big one.
(In the woods)
SUSANAOMI
Do you smell something?
JERRY
Yeah, smoke.
GEORGE
yeah, (cough) Definite smoke.
ELAINE
Argh, look at the fire! (cough)
JERRY
Holy cow! look at that!
SUSANAOMI
IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!
ELAINE
The CABIN is on fire!
GEORGE
I just realized. Ya' never gave me back
the change from the toll.
ELAINE
How could this have happened?
(Kramer and Naomi arrive in bathing suits)
KRAMER
(singing) ... wild funky mountain man
...
NAOMI
Oy, my god, the cabin?
JERRY
What are you two doin' here?
NAOMI
Look at that.
JERRY
You didn't (makes motion like lighting
a cigar)
KRAMER
(runs to burning cabin) My Cubans!
THE END
|
