THE BUSBOY
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Night club)
JERRY
I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this
is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just
eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere,
whatever they're having. I have eaten
rotten rolls
off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not
a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why
would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a
hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning?
Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant,
they put the check in a little
book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time,
there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little
gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating
from the restaurant? What is this about?
(A restaurant)
(Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant.
George hasn't eaten anything)
ELAINE
Do you want some of mine?
JERRY
Take some of mine.
GEORGE
Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll
like it? I keep trying to like it, like
I have to like it.
JERRY
Who said you have to like it?
GEORGE
Everybody likes pesto. You walk into
a restaurant, that's all you hear -
pesto, pesto, pesto.
JERRY
I don't like pesto.
GEORGE
Where was pesto 10 years ago?
JERRY
(Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy.
(Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops
her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair
transplants. Any time you see a guy
that age
wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.
ELAINE
(Elaine turns to look at the man, trying
to make it sound like they aren't talking
about him) The thing about that painting..
is with the colors and um.. (Turns
back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.
(George has started eating Elaine's food - and continues to do
so)
JERRY
(To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about
the car. Let it warm up for a minute.
GEORGE
That's a tough minute. It's like waiting
in the shower for the conditioner to
work.
JERRY
I don't understand why he couldn't take
a cab.
GEORGE
Who?
JERRY
Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's
picking him up at the airport tonight.
GEORGE
A guy?
ELAINE
(Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.
JERRY
He's from a.. Yakima, right?
ELAINE
Seattle.
JERRY
Everybody's moving to Seattle.
GEORGE
It's the pesto of cities. So..?
ELAINE
(To Jerry) You tell him.
JERRY
Well, from what I can piece together,
our friend here met a gentleman.
ELAINE
Ed.
JERRY
Who was in town on a business venture,
and um..
ELAINE
..We shared an interpersonal experience.
(George hits his glass with his fork.
To Jerry) Go on.
JERRY
So they went out a few times, but apparently,
when the fellow returned home, he discovered
that the Benes tattoo does not wash
off so easily.
ELAINE
On some people.
GEORGE
Oooh.
JERRY
So, he's coming in to stay with her
for a week.
ELAINE
It was just gonna be a weekend, but
then somehow it became a week.
(The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly
picks up a wine glass - about to put it out, but George tosses
the menu on the floor, and stomps it out.
The manager approaches)
MANAGER
What happened?
GEORGE
Oh, the busboy left the menu a little
close to the candle.
MANAGER
Sorry to the disturbance.
ELAINE
(Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never
eating here again.
(Manager leaves)
JERRY
(Pats George on the back) Nice going.
Thank you, that ought to get us a free
dessert.. (They can see the manager
chewing the busboy out from the dining
room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.
GEORGE
Did I get him in trouble? Because of
what I said?! I just told him what happened..
he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager
and busboy are arguing. The
busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why
did he point at me?!
ELAINE
I said I would never eat here again..
But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
JERRY
(Casually buttering a roll, like he's
the innocent one) I didn't say anything.
(The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the
restaurant)
GEORGE
I can't believe it. He's going! He's
fired!
ELAINE
Oh, I said it in a kidding way.
GEORGE
I didn't know he'd get fired.
JERRY
(Jokingly trying to put more pressure
on Elaine and George) He'll probably
kill his family over this.
GEORGE
What if he's waiting for me outside?
He pointed at me! Did you see him point?!
JERRY
(Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become
busboys. They seem to gravitate twards
'em.
GEORGE
Was it my fault?
ELAINE
Was it my fault?
JERRY
(Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe
I'll try that pesto.
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll
get another job. I mean, let's face
it, it's not a profession where you
embellish your resume and undergo a
series of
grueling interviews.
GEORGE
(Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really
know busboys.
JERRY
Oh, like you do.
GEORGE
Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.
JERRY
(Scoffing) Camp.
GEORGE
It was a fat camp. Those kids depended
on me.
(The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it)
JERRY
Elaine?
ELAINE
(Through intercom) Yeah.
(Jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in)
JERRY
Busboys are always changing jobs. That's
the business. I know. I work with these
guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen
at the comedy clubs.
GEORGE
Then why don't you try and get him another
job?
JERRY
I'd love to, but I don't know anything
about him. He could be one of those
people that walks around the street
pricking people with pins.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
I don't know if you people are aware
of this, but I am one clever chickadee.
GEORGE
What? Did you get the busboy's number?
ELAINE
His phone's been disconnected, but I
was able to obtain an address - 1324
Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands
George a card) Now, I did my
job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please?
(Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine)
GEORGE
How did you get all this?
ELAINE
Does the word "charm" mean anything
to you?
JERRY
No. (George grabs his jacket) So now
you're going to his apartment? I really
think this is nuts.
GEORGE
(Putting his jacket on) I'd like to
apologize. I want to tell him I.. I..
didn't mean to get him in trouble.
JERRY
You, you're going now?
GEORGE
Yeah, I want to see if there's anything
I can do.. maybe get him another job..
maybe I'll hear of something.
JERRY
Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're
not going?
ELAINE
I would, but I have to pick up Ed at
the airport.
JERRY
I just don't think you should go alone.
Can't you wait till after my set?
GEORGE
It'll take to long.
(Kramer enters)
JERRY
Take the K-man. A little support..
GEORGE
(Unsure) I don't a..
KRAMER
Take me where? Where?
(An apartment building hallway)
(George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's
apartment)
GEORGE
Look, I really appreciate your coming,
but if you wouldn't mind - try not to
say too much.
KRAMER
What am I gonna say?
GEORGE
I don't know.
KRAMER
Well, I'm not an idiot.
GEORGE
Certainly not.
KRAMER
Then we're cool.
GEORGE
Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks
lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking
on the door louder. The busboy answers)
Uh, I'm sorry to bother
you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I
could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He
gestures for them to come in. They obey)
I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think
I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting
you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I
just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen.
KRAMER
(Patting George on the shoulder) He's
a hell of a guy.
GEORGE
This is a guy I know.. Kramer.
(Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously)
KRAMER
¿Habla espanol?
GEORGE
(To himself) Oh my God.
ANTONIO
Si.
KRAMER
¿Como se dice.. waterbed?
GEORGE
(Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know I'm really sorry that
happened, and if I can help out in any
way, I'll certainly be glad to do that.
(Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.
KRAMER
You got anything to drink? ¿Agua?
GEORGE
Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink)
We really should get going.
KRAMER
Let me get a glass of water. (Heads
tward the sink)
GEORGE
Hurry up.
ANTONIO
(Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita?
Pequita? (Starts to panic)
KRAMER
His cat's gone.
ANTONIO
(Notes the door was left wide open)
La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming)
La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and
George) Who left the door
open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look
at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head
out the door to look)
(Antonio's apartment)
(All three sit in silence)
KRAMER
..You know, cats run away all the time.
You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran
away. Showed up three years later..
you never know. They got things in
their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless,
of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what
you gotta worry about.
GEORGE
(Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once
again, Antonio, I can't even begin to
say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about
everything. The job, the cat.. (A
lamp breaks) the lamp.
KRAMER
The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the
two broken pieces together) Yeah.
GEORGE
(Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card.
I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever
looking for something bigger, something
nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him,
angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for
a handshake. Antonio doesn't move)
KRAMER
You oughta get that wire fixed. (They
go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts
the door, the broken lamp falls to the
floor)
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
(On the phone) George, stop worrying
about this guy. It wasn't your fault..
Come on, he's not stalking you.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
(To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't
even know where you live.. Who told
you to give him your business card?..
(Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine.
(Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To
Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat
again.
KRAMER
It's been a week. It's up to the cat
now.
JERRY
(Into phone) Kramer says it's up to
the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on
your conscience.
KRAMER
Oh? How do you figure?
JERRY
(Into phone) How do you figure? (To
Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left
the door open.
KRAMER
Why was I in charge of closing the door?
JERRY
(Into phone) Why was he in charge of
closing the door? (Irritated at the
phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause
you came in after him!
KRAMER
So!
JERRY
(Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting
even more angry) So, the last person
in should close the door!
KRAMER
Let me talk to him.
JERRY
(To Kramer) Talk - call him from your
house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves.
To phone) He's calling you now.. okay.
(Hangs up)
ELAINE
Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car
keys?
(Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom)
JERRY
No hello?
ELAINE
Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello.
Now, lookit, you guarantee this car
will get me to the airport tomarrow?
No problems?
JERRY
Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car.
ELAINE
Because if there's even the slightest
chance of any problem at all, I don't
want to take it - because if I don't
get this guy on a plane to Seattle and
out of my
life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.
JERRY
(Jokingly asking) So, did you have a
nice week together?
ELAINE
I heard a little ping in the car last
time. What was that ping?
JERRY
There's no ping. Why are you so wacky?
ELAINE
Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I
hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done
anything! It's the situation. He's a
wonderful guy, but I hate his guts!
JERRY
So, you two been, uh..
ELAIEN
No! I told him I've been having my period
for the last five days! I'm sleeping
all squished over on the edge of my
bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours
to
go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything.
I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather..
JERRY
What's your airport route?
ELAINE
I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking
the tunnel.
JERRY
..What about the Van Wyck?
ELAINE
I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks,
he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard
shortcut.
JERRY
Oooh.
ELAINE
Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15.
We're getting up at about eight. That
gives us enough time, right?
JERRY
You still using that old alarm clock?
ELAIEN
Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today.
It's got everything - it's got everything...
If you oversleep more than ten minutes,
a hand comes out and slaps you in
the face.
(Night club)
JERRY
Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving
to the airport can make you very nervous
because when you're flying, when you're
getting on the plane, if you miss
that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options.
You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're
taking a flight, if you miss it,
that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we
do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested
in that? It's not a direct cannon,
you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon
operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon)
Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a
second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas.
Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure
you get out of the net
immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."
(Elaine's apartment)
15 - they overslept. She gets frantic)
ELAINE
(Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm
clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's
9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's
9:15!
ED
9:15?
ELAINE
Yes! 9:15!
ED
(Going back to sleep) We'll never make
it. I'll leave tomarrow.
ELAINE
Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now!
Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the
closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically
starts packing) You get
dressed! Get dressed!
ED
Can I shower?
ELAINE
Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?!
ED
I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all
day.
ELAINE
Forget the shower! The shower's out.
Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your
clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes,
turning them over in the suitcase.
He walks tward the door) Where are you going?
ED
The kitchen.
ELAINE
The kitchen?!
ED
I've got a bag of cashews in there.
ELAINE
They're not making it! Let's get your
pants on!
ED
What's the big deal if we don't make
it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next
day.
ELAINE
No! You have your ticket! You have to
go now!
ED
I'll never make it.
ELAINE
Don't say that!
ED
But it takes forty-five minutes to get
there. That'll only leave me five minutes
to get to the plane.
ELAINE
Shut up and pack!
ED
And what if I don't make the plane?
You'll have already left. Then what
will I do?
ELAINE
You're talking too much!
ED
Where's my sweater?
ELAINE
What?!
ED
My brown sweater.
ELAINE
What? What sweater?
ED
My brown sweater.
ELAINE
You didn't bring a brown sweater.
ED
I brought a brown sweater.
ELAINE
Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?!
(Recahes into one of her drawers, and
grabs a brown sweater, then packs it)
You got a brown sweater!
ED
That's not mine. I can't take your sweater.
ELAINE
It's brown! (Takes clothes still on
the hangers, and dumps them into the
suitcase)
ED
What are you doing?!
ELAINE
NO time for folding.. (Looks around)
I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase)
ED
My shoes. You packed my shoes.
ELAINE
Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't
invented till the fourth century! People
walked around for thousands of years
without them! (Puts her coat on over
her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him,
then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go!
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Anywhere in the city?
GEORGE
Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you
the best public toilet.
JERRY
Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
GEORGE
Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan
Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give
you the key.
JERRY
Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
GEORGE
(Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center.
Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent
facilities.
(Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her
coat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal)
ELAINE
(Slow, as if remember a dream) I never
new I could drive like that. I was going
faster than I've ever gone before, and
yet, it all seemed to be happening in
slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving
in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run.
I knew I was challenging the very laws
of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel
Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then..
I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's
ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I
came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that
five-car-pile-up on Rockaway
Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right
now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
..The busboy's coming! The busboy's
coming!
GEORGE
The busboy's coming?
JERRY
You don't mean here?
KRAMER
Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on
his way up..
GEORGE
He's coming up?! (Moves to the door)
I'll check you out later.
JERRY
Where are you going?
GEORGE
I'm the one he wants! He's coming to
settle the score.
JERRY
(Trying to get George and Kramer out)
No. You three all know each other. There's
no point in me getting involved at this
stage of the game.
KRAMER
No, he's not going to do anything. I
guarantee it.
GEORGE
Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me.
I..
(There's a knock in the hallway)
KRAMER
Antonio. In here!
(Antonio enters)
GEORGE
(Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio.
How's it going?
(Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug)
ANTONIO
Three nights ago, a gas main beneath
the restaurant exploded, killing five
people in my section, including the
busboy who replaced me. If I am not
fired
that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive
remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him
again)
GEORGE
(Trying to be modest) Ah, come on..
(The intercom buzzes)
ELAINE
(Into the intercom) Yeah?
ED
It's Eddie.
ELAINE
He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's
coming up..
ANTONIO
And that very same night of the accident,
while looking for Pequita, I found a
job in a restaurant where they pay me
almost twice what I was making
before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps
frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well,
but now, I must go, for today I am
starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank
you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves)
(Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a
fight erupting from the hallway)
ED
Hey, watch were you're going. You almost
knocked my head off!
ANTONIO
Hey, why don't you watch where you're
going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into
me!
ED
Who do you think you're talking to,
pal?
ANTONIO
Hey, get your hands off me!
ED
Go to hell!
(Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them
getting into a serious fight)
(Coffee shop)
JERRY
He'll get another job. He's a busboy!
GEORGE
It won't for a while. At least not until
after the cast comes off.
JERRY
It was that fall down the stairs. That's
what did it.
GEORGE
That's not how it happened. It's when
he fell on him with his knee.
ELAINE
Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter
hands Elaine two bags of food to go)
..Thanks.
GEORGE
So, much longer?
ELAINE
Till when - till he goes back to Seattle,
or till he can feed himself?
GEORGE
(Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess
it's not important.
ELAINE
Take care of yourselves. (Leaves)
GEORGE
I should probably get going too. If
I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes
all over everything.. take it easy.
JERRY
Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich
as the waiter starts cleaning off the
table) How ya doing?
(Night club)
JERRY
First of all, I can't believe that people
actually do fight. People have fist
fights in life. I can't really believe
that we have boxing either. It's really
kind of an
amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two
guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they
have the boxers come into the ring
in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They
get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then
you'd see a real fight.
THE END
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