THE CHICKEN ROASTER
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack)
George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand
GEORGE
Why is there no haggling in this country?
JERRY
I guess we like to think we've progressed
beyond a knife fight for a
citrus drink.
GEORGE
Not me. Everything should be negotiable.
JERRY
Restaurants too?
GEORGE
Absolutely. You're telling me there's
no room to move on pasta.
All starches are a scam.
JERRY
Yea especially zedi(???), with that
big hole.
(George asks the store worker a question)
GEORGE
Excuse me, how much is this?
WORKER
Dollar nineteen.
GEORGE
I'll give you a quarter.
WORKER
Get the hell out of here.
JERRY
Tell him forty and no fork.
GEORGE
Thirty.
WORKER
That's it you leave and never come back!
JERRY
How about we leave and come back in
a week?
WORKER
Deal!
GEORGE
Alright see? We got something there.
(Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about
the new chicken
shack. ( I came in a little late.))
JERRY
Look at the size of that neon light.
KRAMER
Roger's can't sell chicken around here,
we got chicken places on
every block.
JERRY
He is the gambler.
KRAMER
Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet
store. Helping him pick out a
turtle.
JERRY
Try and stay calm.
KRAMER
Yea, yea.
(Exit the K-Man.)
(Man on street recognizes Jerry.)
MAN
Hey Jerry.
JERRY
Seth! Wow what has it been like five
years?
SETH
At least.
JERRY
You wanna grab lunch?
SETH
Uh, I'm actually headed back to the
office.
JERRY
Seth it's me. What's more important
than catching up with an old
college buddy?
SETH
Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting.
JERRY
Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How
many of those did we go to?
SETH+JERRY
Alright, alright.
JERRY
Whatever happened to Moochie?
SETH
He's dead.
JERRY
Is that right?
(George and Elaine are in a store )
GEORGE
I still don't understand how you can
call lunch with me a business
expense.
ELAINE
What do you think of the catalog?
GEORGE
It stinks.
ELAINE
There, we just talked business.
WORKER
We do have the down comforter and the
cookware you liked.
ELAINE
Oh great, put it all on the Peterman
account with the other stuff.
WORKER
You know what else we have that you
might like?
ELAINE
I'll take it.
(George puts on a giant Russian hat)
GEORGE
Hey, you like?
(Elaine laughs)
WORKER
I think that looks very nice on you.
GEORGE
Really? Elaine...Peterman account?
ELAINE
Why not? (To worker) And some hair for
my little friend here.
(Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant)
SETH
So how's your stand up career?
JERRY
Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I
almost had my own show in Japan.
SETH
You speak Japanese?
JERRY
No
SETH
So you would have done it in Japan,
but in English.
(Jerry thinks for a minute)
JERRY
I don't know. So what's this job of
yours?
SETH
Big investment firm. We just got the
Citibank account. In fact today
was our first big meeting with them.
JERRY
The meeting you blew off?
(Seth laughs)
SETH
Yea.
JERRY
Wasn't that kind of important?
( Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.)
SETH
Yea.
(Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone)
ELAINE
...and I brought I whole new set of
cookware, and a water pic.
JERRY
You use a water pick?
ELAINE
Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush,
listerine...
JERRY
So you go in the bathroom at eleven
your in bed by what two?
ELAINE
Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second,
I gotta another call.
ELAINE
Hello?
MAN
Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch.
ELAINE
Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting?
ROGER
Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging
quite a bit of merchandise
on the Peterman account.
ELAINE
Well, I am the President.
ROGER
Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never
the less the expense account
is for business purposes only.
ELAINE
Well, isn't the president allowed to
do anything that they want?
ROGER
No, I'll be in your office first thing
tomorrow. Good day.
ELAINE
Good day. (Elaine and Roger hang up,
leaving Jerry still on hold)
JERRY
Hello, anybody?
(George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.)
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, why didn't you get the big one?
GEORGE
This hat just bottles in the heat, I
don't even need a coat! It's
unbelievable!
JERRY
I don't believe it.
GEORGE
And I got a date with the sales woman.
She's got a little Marisa
Tomei thing going on.
JERRY
Ah, too bad you got a little George
Costanza thing going on.
GEORGE
I'm going out with her tomorrow, she
said she had some errands to run.
JERRY
That's a date?
GEORGE
What's the difference? You know they
way I work, I'm like a
commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear
it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's
"By Mennen!".
JERRY
How do you make sure your gonna get
to the third date?
GEORGE
If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind
keys, glove, scarf, I go
back to her place to pick it up...date number three.
JERRY
That's so old. Why don't you show up
at her door in a wood horse?
(Jerry is at his apartment door)
JERRY
"By Mennen"
(Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's
peep hole,
Jerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a
huge red light
is seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar)
JERRY
What's going on in there?
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
The light!
KRAMER
Oh the red, its the chicken roaster
sign, its right across my window.
JERRY
Can't you shut the shades?
KRAMER
They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth
stopped by.
JERRY
Yea? What'd he say?
KRAMER
he was fired.
(Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting
guy that
all of her expenses are business related)
ELAINE
Well, as you can see the comforter I
expensed is actually the
Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think?
ROGER
Another bulls eye.
ELAINE
Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of
my expenses are obviously for a
legitimate business purpose.
( Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.)
ROGER
I just need to see the sable hat you
purchased yesterday.
ELAINE
The hat? Why do you need to see the
hat?
ROGER
Because it costs eight-thousand dollars.
ELAINE
What?
(Hits Roger with water from water pic.)
(Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment)
JERRY
Seth, if you knew the meeting was so
important why did you go the
lunch with me?
SETH
We're old college buddies.
JERRY
I only knew you through Moochie.
SETH
Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the
important thing is that we got to
catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads?
JERRY
Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara
yet.
(Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. )
JERRY
How's life on the red planet?
KRAMER
Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't
sleep, all I can see is that
giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.
JERRY
Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers
and complain?
KRAMER
Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't
think that Kenny Rogers has
any idea what's going on down there.
(Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes
the tomato
juice from the fridge.)
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Getting some cereal
JERRY
That's tomato juice.
(Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!)
(Spits out cereal)
KRAMER
That looked like milk to me! Jerry my
Rods and Cones are all screwed
up! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry.
(Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...)
JERRY
I don't know Kramer, my only concern
is that ....
(Cleans it with a dish rag....)
JERRY
..living together after a while we might
start to get on each others
nerves a little.
(Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back
in fridge)
KRAMER
Alright listen to me, I got a great
idea. You're a heavy sleeper,
right? Why don't we switch apartments?
JERRY
Or I could sleep in the park? You could
knock these walls down, make
it an eight room luxury suite.
KRAMER
Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're
not gonna come down!
JERRY
Yea, that's no good.
KRAMER
I may have to drive that place out of
business.
JERRY
How you gonna do that?
KRAMER
Like we did in the sixties, takin' in
to the streets.
(Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light )
(George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.)
WOMAN
Thanks George, but I got it from here.
GEORGE
Oh no I'm in already come on.
(George puts down the bags he came in with)
GEORGE
So you want to get together tomorrow?
WOMAN
No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.
GEORGE
What about this weekend?
WOMAN
I'm gonna be busy for a while.
(George throws his keys on the table)
GEORGE
OK, see ya!
WOMAN
Hey, you forgot your keys.
GEORGE
What, those aren't my keys.
WOMAN
Well they're not mine.
GEORGE
Oh, they are my keys, how weird.
WOMAN
Bye George.
GEORGE
Yea.
WOMAN
George, bye!
(George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. )
GEORGE
Costanza. (Like "By Mennen")
(George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking
at a bunch of
fake butterflies on the wall(?) )
ELAINE
What do you mean you don't have the
hat?
GEORGE
I left it at Heather's. Are these alive?
ELAINE
No dead! George, I need that Russian
hat back!
GEORGE
Alright, alright ,I'll call Heather,
you'll get your hat back, I will
get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic.
Dial 9- MERLIN.
(George dials again and Heather picks up the phone)
HEATHER
Hello?
GEORGE
Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.
HEATHER
Oy!
GEORGE
Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother
you but, silly me, I think I may
have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come
by
later and pick it up.
HEATHER
You didn't' leave a hat here.
GEORGE
I'm pretty sure I left it behind the
cushion of the chair ...
accidentally.
HEATHER
No hat. George I gotta go.
GEORGE
You know maybe ... I'll ...
(Heather hangs up)
(Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage
for Kenny
Roger's Chick shack)
JERRY
Seth?
SETH
Jerry Hi! What do you think?
JERRY
I think your taking the trash out for
this chicken place, but that
couldn't be.
SETH
Yea, I'm the new manager
JERRY
But your were an executive, this is
fast food.
SETH
Not fast food, good food served quickly.
(Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN")
KRAMER
Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad
chicken, mess you up.
SETH
That's not going to be good for business.
JERRY
That's not going to be good for anybody.
(Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. )
JERRY
If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta
take some of this stuff out.
I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its
gonna
come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.
(Jerry holds up a doll)
KRAMER
Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.
JERRY
And one other thing, I don't want Newman
using my...
(Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes
Newman from
the bathroom)
JERRY
Oh no.
NEWMAN
Nice place you got here Kramer a man
can really get some
thinking done.
JERRY
Well don't get too comfortable, as soon
as Seth gets a real job you two
are gong back in that chicken supernova.
(Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment.
Newman starts
eating chicken)
KRAMER
What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get
that outta here.
NEWMAN
I don't know. The man makes a pretty
strong bird.
KRAMER
Well I'm boycotting it.
(Kramer looks at the chicken.)
KRAMER
What is that, hickory?
NEWMAN
Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.
KRAMER
Really?
NEWMAN
Uh-Huh.
(Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,)
KRAMER
Oh stop it.
(Kramer looks like he loves it)
(Knock on Heather's door.)
HEATHER
Can I help you?
(Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by
pulling his
ear)
ELAINE
Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at
Barney's, I'm a friend of George
Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this
pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel
a
second date.
HEATHER
Really?
ELAINE
I know, he has a real confidence problem.
GEORGE
Well not really...
ELAINE
George...Anyway I know you told him
you didn't have the hat because
you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could
not
be. But I really do need to have that hat back.
HEATHER
Look, I don't know what to tell you,
but there's no hat here. I mean,
maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...
GEORGE
Well that makes sense.
ELAINE
Then you wouldn't mind if we took a
second look around?
HEATHER
Be my guest.
(George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine)
GEORGE
Good to see you again.
(George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.)
GEORGE
She's bluffing, she's got it stashed
away in there somewhere.
ELAINE
This is an absolute disaster.
GEORGE
Oh, I don't know. Check this out.
(George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket.
)
ELAINE
You stole her clock?
(George smiles)
ELAINE
Well done.
GEORGE
Yep, this one for our side!
(Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny
Roger's
Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so
found
another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.)
(Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).)
JERRY
What is that creaking, its like I'm
in the hold of a ship.
Gotta relax.
(sound of a door opening)
JERRY
Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?
(Morning at Jerry apartment)
ELAINE
So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat
by this afternoon, what am I
gonna do?
KRAMER
You should sleep with him.
(Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's
slide)
JERRY
Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!.
You don't know what it's
like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking.
And
that red light is burning my brain!
ELAINE
You look a little stressed.
JERRY
Oh I'm stressed!
ELAINE
So Kramer what am I supposed to do?
If I don't have that fur hat by
four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.
JERRY
You know my friend Bob Sacamano?
ELAINE
I thought he was Kramer's friend.
JERRY
Well, he called last night about 3 a.m.
we got to talking, he sells
Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.
ELAINE
fourty bucks? Are they Sable?
JERRY
No, but the difference is unnoticeable.
KRAMER
Oh yea, I like this idea.
ELAINE
Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.
JERRY
Giddee up!
(Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding
in the
bathroom.)
NEWMAN
It's getting cold, it's getting cold.
KRAMER
That was a close one.
NEWMAN
Why do we have to keep this a secret
from Jerry?
KRAMER
If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's
chicken I'm back there with
the red menace.
(Back to Elaine's office)
IPSWITCH
Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the
company was Sable, this is
Neutria.
ELAINE
Well, that's a kind of sable.
IPSWITCH
No, its a kind of rat.
ELAINE
That's a rat hat?
IPSWITCH
And a poorly made one, even by rat hat
standards. I have no choice
but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors
nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you
this
time.
ELAINE
But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.
IPSWITCH
Yes, and quite mad from what I hear.
ELAINE
Wait? Can I fire you?
IPSWITCH
No.
(Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together)
KRAMER
So Heather called?
GEORGE
Yea, but get this, the message said
'call me if you have the time'.
Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?
KRAMER
No, but this is all very exciting.
GEORGE
She knows that I have her clock, I know
that she has my hat, I think
she's getting ready to make an exchange.
KRAMER
Of course there's the possibility that
you've gone right out of your
mind.
GEORGE
I've looked at that, seems unlikely.
KRAMER
I'd look again. So, how come you didn't
call Jerry about all this?
GEORGE
I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even
since he moved into that
apartment he's too much ... like you.
KRAMER
That's a shame.
(Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand)
JERRY
Seth, you're the manager, can't you
turn off the sign?
SETH
Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant
manager.
SETH
Number sixty seven, family feast.
NEWMAN
Number 67, right here, right here!
JERRY
Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
SETH
And don't forget your steamed broccoli.
JERRY
Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli
if it was deep fried in
chocolate sauce.
NEWMAN
I love broccoli, its good for you.
JERRY
Really? Then maybe you'd like to have
a piece?
(Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece)
NEWMAN
Gladly.
(Newman spits it out)
NEWMAN
Vile weed!
JERRY
It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door
knob the constant licking of
the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?
NEWMAN
Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.
(Newman drinks mustard like Henningins )
(Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry
comes in.)
KRAMER
Newman, what took you so long, oh hey
buddy.
JERRY
Expecting Newman? That's funny because
I happened to find him at
Kenny Roger's Roasters.
KRAMER
Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that
place.
JERRY
He was buying quite a load of chicken
almost for two people, as long
as one of them is not him.
KRAMER
Oh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped
off that Bob Sacamano hat, oh
she's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping
by.
JERRY
I sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll
switch back.
KRAMER
Oh you don't want to think about that
no sir. Otherwise I'd have no
choice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right
out
of town.
JERRY
I don't think you will. As a matter
of fact I'll save you the trouble,
I'll do it myself.
KRAMER
Yea, yea go ahead put the banner up
doesn't matter to me.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta
have that chicken, you leave
those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.
JERRY
You got a little problem.
KRAMER
Oh I got a big problem Jerry!
(Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is
brought in and
told to sit. )
PETERMAN
Elaine.
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman.
(A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds
him in another
language )
ELAINE
You speak Burmese?
PETERMAN
No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did
you have any trouble finding
the place?
ELAINE
No, you're the only white poet warlord
in the neighborhood.
PETERMAN
Are you an assassin?
ELAINE
I work for your mail order catalog.
PETERMAN
You're an errand girl, sent by grocery
clerks, to collect a bill.
ELAINE
Well, actually I do have a bill here,
if you could just sign this
expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of
here.
PETERMAN
I'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will
have to see this hat.
(George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding
a bag.)
GEORGE
So how do you want to do this?
HEATHER
Alright George I'll be honest, the first
time we went out, I found
you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times,
you
sorta got stuck in my head, Costanza!
(Costanza like "By Mennen")
GEORGE
So you really don't have my hat?
HEATHER
What?
(George moves his bag)
GEORGE
Oh. let's go do something.
HEATHER
What's in bag?
GEORGE
That's a sandwich.
(Clock starts ringing)
GEORGE
Damn salami.
HEATHER
My clock, you stole it!
GEORGE
That damn deli that is last time they
screw up one of my orders.
(Starts raining )
(Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which
he was
wearing) wet (or course))
JERRY
Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard
out there.
(As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of
the wetness,
the hat falls apart into everyone's plate)
JERRY
Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good
for business.
SETH
That's not gonna be good for anybody.
(Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken
light goes
out)
KRAMER
Kenny? ... Kenny?
(Kramer at his window with a sign saying "come back Kenny" )
KRAMER
Kenny....
(Jerry is in bed at his own apartment)
JERRY
Home at last.
(Creek!)
JERRY
Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?
(Elaine with Peterman in the jungle)
ELAINE
Its the Urban Sombrero, I put it in
the last catalog.
PETERMAN
The horror...the horror.
THE END
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