THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
You can always tell what was the best
year of your father's life, because
they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it
out to the end,
don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's
just they
somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like
this fashion time
capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a
pedestal, with
someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To
me the worst thing
is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that
little room. What
men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants
at the door,
and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would
be the best
way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some
help?' 'No, just
getting some air.'
(George's parents' house)
Elaine and Jerry in the living room.
JERRY
How would you describe the smell in
this house?
ELAINE
(sniffing) Dandruff?
JERRY
Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?
ELAINE
There's some kasha.
JERRY
Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap
carpeting. It's pot pourri,
really.
George enters from the kitchen (?).
ELAINE
Alright, let's go, come on.
GEORGE
Wha... you're going?
ELAINE
Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled
that last game, I'm gonna be
late.
Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured
objects in his
hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth.
KRAMER
Egh. These aren't candies.
GEORGE
Kramer. did you use those? These are
guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps
and begins examining them for damage)
KRAMER
Well I'm a guest.
GEORGE
Now my parents are gonna know I had
people over.
JERRY
You're not allowed to have people over?
GEORGE
I can't have any parties while they're
out of town. (he leaves to return
the soaps)
KRAMER
What, this is a party?
ELAINE
Not any more. Come on, get your ball,
we're leaving. Let's go, let's go.
Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and
notices Jerry's
mug on the coffee table.
GEORGE
(yells) Wow! Who put this cup right
on the new table!
JERRY
(picks it up) I was having coffee, I
put it on the coffee table.
GEORGE
But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry,
you left a stain! (he runs to
kitchen)
KRAMER
Whoah boy. There's always one at every
party, huh?
George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.
ELAINE
(impatient) Come on!
JERRY
What's the big rush?
ELAINE
I'm having people over.
JERRY
Who?
ELAINE
The girls for poker night. You know,
Joanne, Renee, Winona...
JERRY
Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?
ELAINE
Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin
guy.
JERRY
(interested) Really?
ELAINE
I'll put in a good word for you.
JERRY
Thanks, because I would really like...
(distractedly puts coffee cup back
on the table)
GEORGE
(screaming) Aaahh!!
JERRY
Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks
it up again)
GEORGE
But Jerry, this is not coming out!
JERRY
Just put a coffee table book over it.
GEORGE
My parents don't read! They're gonna
wonder what a book is doing on the
table!
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would
make a great coffee table book?
A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?
ELAINE
Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye
George.
GEORGE
Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry,
you gotta take me to get this thing
refinished.
ELAINE
Now?!
GEORGE
Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days
and my parents are gonna be back. I
gotta have it back before them!
ELAINE
Jerry, you promised you'd get me home
by seven.
KRAMER
Alright, we'll take the subway.
JERRY
There you go. That'll get you home in
time.
ELAINE
Oh! The subway? From Queens?
GEORGE
Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.
JERRY
I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to
you.
ELAINE
I need something to read on the subway.
JERRY
(handing her a magazine) Here, read
this.
ELAINE
(looks at it) TV Guide?
(Subway train)
Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer
is expanding
on his book concept.
KRAMER
I got history of coffee tables, celebrities
and their coffee tables.
It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.
ELAINE
(engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.
KRAMER
So, you're gonna talk to your boss about
it, huh?
ELAINE
(still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm.
First thing in the morning.
KRAMER
(claps hands) Yes indeed.
TANNOY
Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
KRAMER
Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces)
This stop is famous for its
gyros, you want one?
ELAINE
How are you gonna get something and
get back on the train in time?
KRAMER
Well, they got a stand right out on
the platform. Gyros are cooked, and
wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three
dollars, no
change. You want one?
ELAINE
(laughing) No thanks.
KRAMER
Alright, but no bites.
Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple
of other guys
waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry.
Elaine continues
to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses,
anorak inside and
out) proffers a pen.
RICKY
Highlighter?
ELAINE
Excuse me?
RICKY
To highlight the programmes you plan
to watch.
ELAINE
Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to
try and avoid contact) I'm just
trying to read.
RICKY
Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen
a beautiful lady reading 'the
Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television.
The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do,
Kramer tries to
enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving
him holding
his gyro into the carriage.
KRAMER
(yells) Elaine!
A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's
hand and sits
down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed.
RICKY
Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch
the next train.
ELAINE
He's not my boyfriend.
RICKY
He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.
(Furniture refinishers)
Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee
table.
JERRY
Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something.
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home.
Plus, I give her a gift in front
of Winona, how does that hurt me?
GEORGE
Can't hurt you.
JERRY
What about, what about this thing?
GEORGE
The Indian?
JERRY
Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering.
Cute.
GEPETTO
Well, I can have the table ready for
you on Monday.
GEORGE
Alright, but no later, because my parents
are coming back.
GEPETTO
They left you home alone, huh?
(Subway train)
Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over
the TV Guide.
Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.
RICKY
Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday
(he swaps seats and sits beside
Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love
Lucy, The Lucy
Show, Here's Lucy.
The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop.
ELAINE
Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making
her escape) Bye-bye.
RICKY
(after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV
Guide) You forgot this!
Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and
sees the address
label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING
NY 11353
(Furniture refinishers)
Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting.
GEPETTO
They don't make these any more. The
work is, is all done by hand.
(Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years,
and... (notices)
Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!
SYLVIA
Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is
that your car out there?
GEORGE
No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)
SYLVIA
Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from
Manhattan.
GEORGE
Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the
corner.
SYLVIA
Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool
guys lived in this neighbourhood.
GEORGE
(sensing his chance) Well, they do now.
Neighbourhood's changing.
JERRY
Alright, I'll take it.
GEPETTO
Smart choice.
SYLVIA
Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you
guys have great taste.
GEORGE
Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see
objects of great beauty and, uh, we
must have them.
(Elaine's apartment)
Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker.
ELAINE
Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces
THE GIRLS
Oh/Aah. (and similar comments)
ELAINE
(triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!
There's a knock at the door.
ELAINE
Who is it?
JERRY
It's Jerry.
Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside
a large
object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
Surprise! (he carries in the object)
ELAINE
What is this?
JERRY
Well, I felt bad about this afternoon,
so I got you something.
ELAINE
Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys
all know Jerry?
THE GIRLS
Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc)
JERRY
Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.
GIRL
Elaine, is it your birthday?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
I don't need a reason to give gifts,
it's my nature. I love to make
people happy.
THE GIRLS
Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur
of approval)
JERRY
Are you ready?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
(whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!
There is a deathly hush.
JERRY
It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine)
Read the card.
ELAINE
(examines card) (embarrassed) That's
very nice. Thank you very much.
JERRY
Read it out loud.
ELAINE
I, I don't think so.
JERRY
(takes the card from Elaine) We had
a little fight this afternoon.
(reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace
pipe.
WINONA
(gathering her stuff) Hey, you know,
it's late. I really should go.
ELAINE
I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I,
uh...
Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical
movie
Indian chant.
JERRY
Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah.
Winona leaves, looking offended.
ELAINE
Are you out of your mind?!
JERRY
...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.
ELAINE
Winona is a Native American.
JERRY
She is?
(George's parents' house)
Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony
singing can be
heard in the background.
SYLVIA
You got very unusual taste.
GEORGE
(proffering glasses) I hope prune juice
is alright. It's the only thing
I had that was chilled.
SYLVIA
Fine.
GEORGE
I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor
cabinet. The combination musta
just flown outta my head. It's a mental block.
SYLVIA
(regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your
son in the bubble bath?
GEORGE
(bashful) No, that's me.
SYLVIA
Oh. You don't see many guys your age
who keep baby pictures of
themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest
of the house.
GEORGE
Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've
tried to maintain a consistent
feel throughout the house.
SYLVIA
What is this we're listening to?
GEORGE
The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)
SYLVIA
Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?
GEORGE
It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I
show you the master bedroom? (they
leave together)
Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer.
WINONA
Who is it?
JERRY
Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
WINONA
(unimpressed) Yeah?
JERRY
Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about
what happened, and I, I, I'd really
like to apologise. Can I come up?
WINONA
I'll come down.
(Elaine's apartment)
KRAMER
I came by to get my ball.
ELAINE
It's right over there.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah,
it's got the magic grip. How d'you
think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo!
Where did this come
from?
ELAINE
You want it?
KRAMER
(unbelieving) I can have this?!
ELAINE
Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.
KRAMER
Oh. I'll lug.
(Street outside Winona's)
WINONA
It's just that it's a very sensitive
issue for me.
JERRY
And well it should be. I think if you
spent any time with me at all,
you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't
be hungry by
any chance, wouldya?
WINONA
(smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.
JERRY
You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went
to a great Szechwan restaurant in
this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he
spots a mailman
crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the
Chinese
restaurant is around here.
The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes
offence.
MAILMAN
Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese?
You think I know where all the
Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh,
ask honolable
Chinaman for rocation of lestaulant.
JERRY
I asked because you were the mailman,
you would know the neighbourhood.
MAILMAN
Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to
hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms
away)
JERRY
I didn't know that...
WINONA
You know, it's late. I should probably
just go home.
JERRY
I, I had no idea.
A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the
top of the Indian.
KRAMER
(yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door
with his palm) Look what I got!
(begins doing war-whoops)
Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find
nothing to say.
Winona storms back into her building.
(George's parent's house)
George and Jerry are returning the table.
GEORGE
Looks pretty good.
JERRY
Yeah, did a good job.
They put the various ornaments back on the table.
GEORGE
Yeah. I don't think they'll be able
to tell.
JERRY
You know, I don't get it. Not allowed
to ask a Chinese person where the
Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little
too sensitive? I
mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the
handle.
GEORGE
So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status
with, uh...
JERRY
Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked
to her today. In fact I'm gonna see
her tonight.
GEORGE
Oh, great.
JERRY
Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable.
I'm afraid of making another
mistake.
GEORGE
Aw c'mon.
The front door opens and George's parents enter.
ESTELLE
Hello, hello!
GEORGE
(insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home.
Hi.
ESTELLE
Oh, the house looks very nice.
GEORGE
Yeah, huh.
FRANK
Where's the mail?
ESTELLE
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hello.
GEORGE
So, how was the trip?
ESTELLE
Ah, your father...
FRANK
Is there anything wrong with getting
a receipt at a toll booth?
ESTELLE
I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for
the bedroom)
FRANK
(examining mail) This stack should be
bigger, where's the TV Guide?
GEORGE
What TV Guide?
FRANK
I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one,
number thirty-one.
JERRY
Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.
FRANK
Elaine took it?
GEORGE
I didn't know she took it!
JERRY
Wa, it's two weeks old.
FRANK
(shouting) How could you let her take
the TV Guide?!
GEORGE
(to Jerry) He collects them.
JERRY
You collect TV Guide?
FRANK
The nerve of that woman. Walking into
my house, stealing my collectible!
ESTELLE
(screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding
a small packet) This was in
our bed.
FRANK
(taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly
to George) A prophylactic
wrapper?!
ESTELLE
What is this doing on my bed?!
GEORGE
I don't know, uh...
JERRY
I'll see you later. (he leaves with
unseemly haste)
FRANK
You were having sex on our bed?!
GEORGE
Yes!
ESTELLE
Who told you you could have sex in our
bed?
GEORGE
(pleading) Well, my bed is too small.
FRANK
Your bed is too small? I'm gone two
weeks and you turn our house into,
into Bourbon Street!
ESTELLE
Where am I going to sleep?
GEORGE
What're you talking about?
ESTELLE
I can't sleep in there!
GEORGE
Of course you can.
ESTELLE
I can't! (screams) I can't!
FRANK
That's it! You're grounded!
GEORGE
(incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm
a grown man.
FRANK
You wanna live here? You respect the
rules of our house. (yells) You're
grounded!
(Winona's apartment)
Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets.
WINONA
So, where are we gonna go eat?
JERRY
I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.
WINONA
Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually
so crowded. Can we get a table?
JERRY
Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches
himself)
WINONA
You made what?
JERRY
I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate
accommodation. And then, Knick
tickets, floor seats.
WINONA
How did you get these?
JERRY
Got 'em on the street, from a scal...
(catches himself again) A uh, one
of those guys.
WINONA
What guys?
JERRY
You know, the guys, that uh, they sell
the tickets for the sold-out
events.
WINONA
Oh.
JERRY
Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan
TV Guide.
WINONA
That's Al Roker.
JERRY
Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen.
I get Dom Deluise and Paul
Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?
WINONA
Sure, take it.
JERRY
Thanks.
(Jerry's apartment)
Jerry enters with the TV Guide.
JERRY
So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you
I'd make it up to you.
ELAINE
Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad,
huh?
JERRY
Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.
ELAINE
He collects (holds up magazine) these?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Wow! Alright, well I will personally
go out to Queens and deliver his Al
Roker TV Guide to him.
JERRY
What'ya do with the one you took?
ELAINE
I dunno.
(Ricky's apartment (?))
Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy
teenager. He's
cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming
the theme to
I Love Lucy to himself as he does so.
(Jerry's apartment)
Kramer enters.
ELAINE
Hi.
KRAMER
Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?
ELAINE
What did who say?
KRAMER
Your boss. Didn't you tell him about
the coffee table book?
ELAINE
Uhmm...
KRAMER
Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?
ELAINE
Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would
be (raising her voice as Kramer
speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...
KRAMER
(simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the
cover I'm...
ELAINE
I would be embarrassed to bring it up.
JERRY
I thought it was a pretty good idea.
It's about coffee tables, it's on a
coffee table.
KRAMER
Yeah, right, right, and on the cover
is a built-in coaster. (clicks
tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.
JERRY
Where you going?
KRAMER
Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores.
I'm gonna see if I can sell that
Indian.
JERRY
My Indian?
KRAMER
You know, I think it's worth something.
It's kitschy. (tongue click)
He leaves.
(George's parents' house)
George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered
by the TV Guide
incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering.
FRANK
How do you just walk into a house and
take a TV Guide? How does she
expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to
turn it on and
wander aimlessly around the dial?
Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside,
holding what
looks like a bouquet of flowers.
RICKY
Hello. Is Elaine home?
ESTELLE
Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.
FRANK
(shouting) And she's not welcome in
this house!
RICKY
(entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this
very special gift. 'Kay, it's a
bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.
FRANK
(yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped
to shreds! She gave that to you?!
RICKY
(seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight
Zone you're watching?
GEORGE
Yeah.
RICKY
Oh, this is a good one.
(Subway train)
Elaine riding the subway to Queens.
TANNOY
Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
A thought occurs to Elaine.
ELAINE
Mmm, gyro.
She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next
to her at the
exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes
out first.
(Jerry's apartment)
Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona
looks around.
WINONA
I like your place. It's very unassuming.
JERRY
Well, why would I assume. I never assume.
Leads to assumptions.
WINONA
(laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide
I gave you, I need it back.
JERRY
Why?
WINONA
Well, I'm doing a report on minorities
in the media, and I wanted to use
that interview with Al Roker.
JERRY
Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine,
and she's already on her way to
give it to George's father.
WINONA
Jerry, I really need it back. It, it
is mine.
JERRY
You can't give something and then take
it back. I mean, what are you...
(catches himself)
WINONA
What?
JERRY
A uh, a person that uh...
WINONA
A person that what?
JERRY
Well, a person that gives something
and then they're dissatisfied and
they wish they had, had never uh...
WINONA
And?
JERRY
...give, given it to the person that
they originally gave it to.
WINONA
You mean like, an Indian giver?!
JERRY
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that
term.
(Subway train)
Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices
from her sandwich
are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag.
(George's parents' house)
Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection.
The coffee table
is covered in boxes of the magazine.
RICKY
I like the special fall preview issues
the best.
FRANK
Those. I've been saving those from the
beginning.
The doorbell rings.
RICKY
These are worth like, a lot of money.
Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine.
ESTELLE
Oh, hello Elaine!
ELAINE
Hello. (she enters)
RICKY
(jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello!
You look scrumptious.
Elaine looks nervous and surprised.
FRANK
Why'd you take my TV Guide?
ELAINE
(placatory) I'm so sorry about that
Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I
brought you another one. (hands it over)
RICKY
I made this for you.
ELAINE
(accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you.
FRANK
(examining magazine) What is this? You
got stains all over it! What the
hell'd you do?
RICKY
Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
FRANK
(yelling) I'll talk to her any way I
want!
RICKY
Come on Elaine, let's go.
As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table
with his leg. It
tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls
over with a crash.
ESTELLE
My coffee table!
(Gus' Smoke Shop)
Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying
to do a job of
salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed.
In the
background, Mr Lippman is browsing.
KRAMER
I don't understand. How can you have
a cigar store, without an Indian?
It's unseemly.
SPIKE
I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.
KRAMER
Forget it.
LIPPMAN
Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this
Indian?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, yeah.
LIPPMAN
Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office
in a south-western motif and
this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?
KRAMER
Giddyup.
LIPPMAN
Yeah? Could you help me bring it up
to my office, I'm right next door.
Pendant Publishing.
KRAMER
Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again.
(Lippman's office)
Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens
uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer!
KRAMER
Yeah, hi Elaine.
ELAINE
What are you doing in here with that?
KRAMER
Ah, well, it's a business transaction.
LIPPMAN
(entering, smoking a cigar and with
a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty
cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead,
count it.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts
in in his pocket) You know I was
just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.
LIPPMAN
You like that, huh? I had that custom
made for me in Santa Fe.
KRAMER
You mind if I use it in my book?
LIPPMAN
What book?
KRAMER
Well, I'm doing a coffee table book
on coffee tables.
LIPPMAN
About coffee tables?
Elaine is pulling skeptical faces.
KRAMER
Uh huh.
LIPPMAN
That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked)
Who's your publisher?
KRAMER
Well, I'm still shopping it around.
LIPPMAN
Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the
kind of idea you should be
coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway?
ELAINE
Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that
I...
LIPPMAN
(ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really
completes the room. Don't you
think?
Elaine looks sick.
(Furniture refinishers)
Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia.
SYLVIA
I know this coffee table, it's George
Costanza's.
ESTELLE
It's mine. I'm his mother.
SYLVIA
Oh, I haven't seen George for a while.
He must be working very hard.
ESTELLE
George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's
why he lives at home with us.
SYLVIA
He does?
(Subway train)
Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks
unhappy. Jerry
has a copy of the TV Guide.
JERRY
I don't know why we didn't think of
this before. We just could call TV
Guide.
ELAINE
I dunno.
JERRY
Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very
happy. (he hands the magazine to
Elaine)
ELAINE
I guess.
JERRY
What's the matter?
ELAINE
What d'you think is the matter? I've
been assigned to work on Kramer's
coffee table book.
JERRY
It is a good idea, Elaine.
TANNOY
Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
JERRY
You want a gyro?
ELAINE
I don't think so.
Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past
other commuters.
moments later)
Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage
just as the
doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.
JERRY
Elaine!
A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's
hand, just as
Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing
to eat.
AL ROKER
Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to
catch the next train.
ELAINE
He's not my boyfriend.
AL ROKER
He's not? Interesting. (gives a big
grin)
Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide
and finds the
guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker.
She looks up
at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the
picture on the
cover.
(Nightclub)
More Jerry standup.
JERRY
I was always excited as a kid, when
that new TV Guide would come. Somehow
when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good
fresh TV shows
in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide.
All the shows
stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being
sat on, thrown
across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to
another person.
It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?'
(mimes
throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide,
they have a phone
number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers
to the TV
Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV
Guide crossword
puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?
THE END
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