THE COUCH
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
The love seat, that's a nice little
item, there...I guess some guy
thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why
not just shorten the
furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy.
This is very flattering to
the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it
the 'half-conscious deadbeat
with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner?
I mean, it goes back
so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's
over! You're wiped!'
Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for
a new couch.
JERRY
So, she got you to join a book club?
GEORGE
I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter
than you pretty soon.
JERRY
Well, I think that statement alone reflects
your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits
on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?
GEORGE
Nah, I don't like that one.
JERRY
So, what's your first book?
GEORGE
"Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages.
(Waves a hand like it's nothing.)
JERRY
It's kinda old, isn't it?
GEORGE
They wanted to read a Truman Capote
book.
JERRY
Oh, sure...Truman Capote.
GEORGE
He's a great writer.
JERRY
Oh, yeah.
GEORGE
Did you ever read anything by him?
JERRY
No. You?
GEORGE
Nah.
JERRY
Oh, what about this one? Look at this,
this is it! This is what I'm looking
for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!
Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are delivering
Jerry's new couch.
ELAINE
Hey, what's going on?
JERRY
New couch, baby!
ELAINE
New couch? Why?
JERRY
I love this couch. You know what the
best part about it is? It doesn't fold
out, so no one can sleep over.
(Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and
they pick up Jerry's old couch.)
ELAINE
Hello.
CARL
Hello.
ELAINE
Oh, let me get the door for you. (They
carry the couch out the door.) Ooh,
be careful!
JERRY
Wait till you see it, it's perfect.
The guy told me it's one of a kind,
they stopped making it.
ELAINE
What are you doing with your old couch?
JERRY
Nothing, the moving guys are taking
it. Why, you want it?
ELAINE
Yeah, I'll take it.
JERRY
Well, I'm sure that they can deliver
it to your apartment.
ELAINE
Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Hey! Couch is comin.'
JERRY
It's here!
KRAMER
Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited
about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel
like I'm getting a new couch.
JERRY
Yeah. So do I.
KRAMER
Ooh! Remember Poppie?
JERRY
Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going
into business together. Remember that
idea I had a few years ago about the
pizza place where you make your own
pizza?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
What was that again?
KRAMER
It's a pizza place where you make your
own pie! We give you the dough, the
sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap
it, you flip it up into the air...you
put your toppings on and you slide it
into the oven! Sounds good, huh?
ELAINE
Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella
and make mah own pie!
JERRY
What made you resurrect that old idea?
KRAMER
Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's
when I told him the "old" idea, and
his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up.
You know, he wants to back it.
ELAINE
I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.
JERRY
I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted
by the Board of Health?
KRAMER
That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens,
New York Magazine just judged his kitchen
to be one of the cleanest in the city.
They got a duck there, you think you
died and went to heaven.
ELAINE
Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!
KRAMER
Yeah, but you gotta order it two days
in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm
gonna call him, I'm gonna order the
duck for you.
JERRY
Oh, Kramer, I -
(Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being
brought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor.
They place the couch in the same spot as the old one.)
JERRY
Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah?
Whatta ya think, Lainie?
ELAINE
Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit
on it.
JERRY
Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on
it.
CARL
Sign here.
ELAINE
Excuse me, I was wondering if would
it be possible if you could deliver
the old couch to my apartment? It's
not very far.
CARL
Sure.
ELAINE
'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the
truck for me?
CARL
Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.
ELAINE
Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry
and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later.
(Elaine and Carl exit.)
KRAMER
Did you offer those guys a drink?
JERRY
Uh, no. Should I have?
KRAMER
What kind of a person are you?
JERRY
I don't know.
George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's."
GEORGE
Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins
to read, but gradually his attention
is drawn to the TV Guide on the end
table. George realizes there's a show
on he wants to see by looking at his
watch, and doesn't start the book.)
Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.
ELAINE
So, he puts the couch down, and just
as he's about to leave he says, "Do
you date moving men?"
JERRY
Ah ha...
ELAINE
You wanna know what I said?
JERRY
I can't wait.
ELAINE
"I do now."
JERRY
Clever.
ELAINE
Is that something?
JERRY
Yes.
ELAINE
Is that something?
JERRY
You're something. So anyway, when they
were in my house before, I didn't offer
them anything to drink.
ELAINE
Well, they're real men, Jerry. They
get sweaty.
JERRY
So, anyone sweaty comes into your house
has to be offered a drink?
ELAINE
Yes.
JERRY
Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine
nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)
POPPIE
Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again!
(Puts his hand out.)
JERRY
Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.
ELAINE
Nice to meet you, Poppie.
POPPIE
Let me show you to your table. (Leads
Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your
duck is cooking as we speak. It is so
succulent...so succulent!
JERRY
Well, Kramer told us all about your
business venture together.
POPPIE
Your friend and I are going to make
a lot of money. Of course, I already
have a lot of money. Poppie does very
well...very well.
ELAINE
Well, your mother must be very proud
of you.
POPPIE
My mother...was taken from my house
by the Communists in the middle of the
night when I was ten years old. She
was sent to a slave labor camp, where
she labored for twelve years. Finally,
they released her and she was on a boat
to America to re-unite with us...but
she was served some bad fish, and she
died...on the high seas.
JERRY
So, what's good tonight?
Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes,
and he turns off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading
- not "Breakfast At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked
magazine.
Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.
ELAINE
Boy, I'm really looking forward to this
duck. I've never had food ordered in
advance before.
JERRY
Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered
a pizza from Paccino's.
ELAINE
Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order
pizza from Paccino's.
JERRY
Why not?
ELAINE
Because, the owner contributes a lot
of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion
groups.
JERRY
So, you won't eat the pizza?
ELAINE
No way.
JERRY
Really.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?
ELAINE
Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.
JERRY
Really!
ELAINE
Yeah. That's right.
JERRY
Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie!
Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie
comes over.)
POPPIE
Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it
is more succulent than even I had hoped.
JERRY
Poppie, I was just curious...where do
you stand on the abortion issue?
POPPIE
When my mother was abducted by the Communists,
she was with child...
JERRY
Oh, boy.
POPPIE
...but the Communists, they put an end
to that! So, on this issue there is
no debate! And no intelligent person
can think differently.
ELAINE
Well...Poppie. I think differently.
POPPIE
And what gives you the right to do that?
ELAINE
The Supreme Court gives me the right
to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.
WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE
I heard that. Let's go, Henry.
HENRY
But we just got here...
ELAINE
And I am not coming back!
POPPIE
You're not welcome!
JERRY
Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it
up. (Gets up and leaves.)
Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.
JERRY
Well, you should have seen it. It was
quite a scene over there.
GEORGE
I'm sorry I missed it.
JERRY
Oh, you really missed something. And
I have to say...it was pretty much all
my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.)
So, how's the book coming? (George's
laughs taper off...) I say, how's the
book comin'?
GEORGE
Oh...pretty good.
JERRY
So, what's it about?
GEORGE
Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.
JERRY
Holly Go-Lightly.
GEORGE
Yeah, she's quite a character.
JERRY
Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Big surprise.
GEORGE
I couldn't. You know, if it's not about
sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
JERRY
You're not very bright, are you?
GEORGE
No, I'm not. I would like to be, but
I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book
club meets in a few days.
JERRY
Why don't you rent the movie?
GEORGE
'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this
is when I like you. Alright, now I'm
relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over
to the booth.)
KRAMER
So...how was the dinner last night?
JERRY
Oh...well...
KRAMER
Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes
back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine!
I was just asking how dinner went last
night.
ELAINE
Oh...well...
KRAMER
Alright, what did you do to Poppie?
ELAINE
Nothing.
KRAMER
Well, he's in the hospital. And the
cook says you put him there.
ELAINE
What's wrong with him?
KRAMER
I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit
him later. (angrily) It would be nice
if you got him something. (Punches the
the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)
JERRY
We should get him something.
ELAINE
Yeah. You're right.
Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.
ELAINE
Do you know that I have been using the
same bottle of shampoo for a year? And
I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.)
So, what do you think of my conversation?
CARL
Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh,
would have invited you up, but I don't
have any furniture.
ELAINE
You don't have any furniture?
CARL
No, I hate furniture. I can't look at
it. (They laugh again.)
ELAINE
Well, I can understand that. Pretty
good date, huh?
CARL
Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and
Carl look into each others eyes, then
kiss.)
Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a bench
outside.
KRAMER
Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly
about what happened to you, and they
wanted you to have this.
POPPIE
What's this? A bottle of wine and a
five-alarm chili? They're trying to
kill Poppie?!
KRAMER
Why, what...?
POPPIE
Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal
disorder? If I would have any of this,
I would die. Then Poppie's no good to
anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on
Poppie. How could you be friends with
those two?
KRAMER
Well, we're not very close.
POPPIE
They owe me for those ducks. They were
flown in from Newfoundland.
KRAMER
Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?
POPPIE
Oh, very good ducks.
Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.
ELAINE
I'm in looove!
JERRY
Whoa!
ELAINE
This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is
such an incredible person! He's real,
he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh,
I'm really lucky!
JERRY
Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't
offer him the drink?
ELAINE
No, I forgot. And, the best part is,
he doesn't play games. You know? There
are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)
JERRY
No games? What is the point of dating
without games? How do you know if you're
winning or losing?
ELAINE
Well, all I know is, he doesn't like
games and he doesn't play games, you
know? He has too much character and
integrity.
JERRY
Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
What is his stand...on abortion?
ELAINE
Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
JERRY
How do you know?
ELAINE
Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.
JERRY
Well, you should probably ask, because
if he's gonna be coming over with those
Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.
George at a video store counter.
GEORGE
I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.
CLERK
Uh, this is out. Someone has it.
GEORGE
Out? Oh no, I've been to four other
places, you're the only ones that have
had it.
CLERK
Well, I could put it on reserve for
you, if you'd like.
GEORGE
Maybe we could call them and ask them
to return it.
CLERK
Oh, sorry. We can't do that.
GEORGE
Well, maybe they're done with it. I
could go pick it up.
CLERK
I don't think so. It doesn't work that
way.
(The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended.
George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good
look at the information on his computer monitor.)
Commercial break.
George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast
At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.
VOICE ON INTERCOM
Yes?
GEORGE
Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?
INTERCOM
Yes.
GEORGE
Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my
name is George Costanza...did you happen
to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?
Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, what's happenin.'
KRAMER
Well, you know, Poppie's over at my
place. Tonight's the big night. I'm
gonna make the first test pizza at the
restaurant.
JERRY
You got a regular 'Manhattan Project'
going on over there.
KRAMER
Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he
wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)
JERRY
Okay. Hi, Poppie.
POPPIE
Hello.
JERRY
I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know
about your condition.
POPPIE
That's fine. If you just give me my
duck money, I'll be on my way.
JERRY
Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)
KRAMER
Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're
still recuperating. (Poppie moves to
the sofa and sits down, and exhales
a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you
tired, Poppie?
POPPIE
No.
KRAMER
Hey, Poppie...you really think people
wanna make their own pizza?
POPPIE
Kramer, did I ever tell you about my
mother? My mother -
JERRY
Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes
the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again
about the...(notices a large, wet stain
on his couch)...the...the...
POPPIE
The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)
JERRY
...the...the...
KRAMER
So long. I'll see you tonight.
JERRY
Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!
KRAMER
What is what?
JERRY
This puddle on my sofa!
KRAMER
What puddle?
JERRY
That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle
and does a double-take.)
KRAMER
I don't know.
JERRY
Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...?
IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on
my sofa!!
KRAMER
Are you sure?
JERRY
Well, what is it then?! My new sofa!
Poppie peed on my new sofa!
KRAMER
I'm sure it'll come out.
JERRY
I don't care if it comes out, I can't
sit on that anymore!
KRAMER
Ah, you're making too much of it.
JERRY
Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural
human function...happens to be on my
sofa, instead of in the toilet, where
it would normally be.
KRAMER
Right!
George at Joe Temple's door.
GEORGE
Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow,
Mr. Temple.
JOE
Well, I was going to watch it with my
daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very
much.
GEORGE
She was a delicate flower.
JOE
Why didn't you just read the book?
GEORGE
Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my
vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter
comes to the door.)
JOE
Remy, this is George. Would you mind
if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's
with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy
looks at Joe doubtfully.)
Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van.
CARL
Hi.
ELAINE
Hi. (They kiss.)
CARL
I missed you.
ELAINE
Oh, I missed you!
CARL
I don't remember the last time I felt
this way.
ELAINE
Me, either!
CARL
I think about you all the time.
ELAINE
You do?
CARL
Do you think about me?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although,
recently I've been thinking about this
friend of mine.
CARL
What friend?
ELAINE
Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated
by her troglodytic half-brother, and
decided to have an abortion. (Waits
in suspense for what Carl's response
will be.)
CARL
You know, someday...we're going to get
enough people in the Supreme Court to
change that law.
(Elaine breaks down in tears.)
George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's
with Joe and Remy.
GEORGE
So, anything to uh, nosh?
JOE
What did you want?
GEORGE
Popcorn?
REMY
Popcorn? Where do you think you are?
GEORGE
Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in
the house.
REMY
Well, we don't.
GEORGE
You might want to try it...makes the
movie more enjoyable, that's all.
JOE
Here's some nuts.
GEORGE
Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I
love? How there's two nuts named after
people. Hazel...and filbert.
REMY
Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe
presses play on the remote.)
GEORGE
Hey, let's turn off the lights, get
some real 'movie atmosphere.'
JOE
The lights are fine. (George shrugs,
and the movie begins.)
Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making the
first 'test pizza.'
KRAMER
See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza
dough into the air.)
POPPIE
Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist.
(Kramer tosses the dough way up there.)
Not too high!
KRAMER
Alright, put a little sauce on here...
(speaks some unintelligible words in
an Italian accent while spreading the
sauce around.) Some cheese...
POPPIE
Not too much!
KRAMER
And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful
and puts them on the pizza.)
POPPIE
Wait a second...what is that?
KRAMER
It's cucumbers.
POPPIE
No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a
pizza.
KRAMER
Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
POPPIE
That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
KRAMER
But that's the idea, you make your own
pie.
POPPIE
Yes, but we cannot give the people the
right to choose any topping they want!
Now on this issue there can be no debate!
KRAMER
What gives you the right to tell me
how I would make my pie?
POPPIE
Because it's a pizza!
KRAMER
It's not a pizza until it comes out
of the oven!
POPPIE
It's a pizza the moment you put your
fists in the dough!
KRAMER
No, it isn't!
POPPIE
Yes, it is!
Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife
enters.
JOE'S WIFE
I'm home.
JOE
Hey, honey.
REMY
Hi, Mom.
JOE'S WIFE
Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast
At Tiffany's?
JOE
Yeah.
JOE'S WIFE
Well, I just came back from Angela's,
it's not looking very good for Duncan.
JOE
Aw, that's too bad.
JOE'S WIFE
Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a
matter of time -
GEORGE
Joe...could you...
JOE'S WIFE
Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like
this...
GEORGE
You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be
one of those people, but we're right
in the middle of this thing...I can't
hear.
JOE'S WIFE
Who are you?
JOE
This is George Costanza.
GEORGE
This is very hard to follow with all
the talking.
JOE
I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape
with the remote.)
GEORGE
Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes
to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end
of the couch where George was sitting.)
JOE'S WIFE
Who is this guy?
REMY
He's in some book club.
JOE'S WIFE
And what's he doing here?
REMY
Cheating on his test. (George returns
from the kitchen with a glass of grape
juice.)
GEORGE
So, we watching the movie, or are we
still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her
head and goes into the other room. George
gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon.
Let's go.
REMY
What?
GEORGE
C'mon, you took my seat.
REMY
It's not your seat.
GEORGE
I was sitting there, c'mon.
REMY
You didn't save it.
GEORGE
I had the arm! Joe...
JOE
What's the difference?
GEORGE
Well, I was very comfortable! I've got
my nuts here...
REMY
It's my couch.
GEORGE
Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries
to squeeze into the corner seat of the
couch and struggles with Remy. He spills
his glass of grape juice all over the
couch in the process.)
REMY
Look! Look what you did! You got grape
juice all over our couch, you've ruined
our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward
George with his hands on his hips.)
GEORGE
Joe...
Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking at
the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa.
ELAINE
Oh my god.
JERRY
You see?!
ELAINE
So, you're gonna get a new couch?
JERRY
Well, I guess I have no choice.
ELAINE
Do you want your old couch back?
JERRY
I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom
buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
INTERCOM
It's the movers.
JERRY
'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)
ELAINE
Who's that?
JERRY
Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.
ELAINE
No, no, he's not my boyfriend.
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
Take a guess.
JERRY
Oh, really. (Carl and another moving
guy come in and pick up the couch.)
ELAINE
Hi.
CARL
Hi.
JERRY
Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's
and bring my old couch back.
CARL
Today?
JERRY
Could you?
CARL
Sure.
ELAINE
What are you doing with this couch?
JERRY
George is taking it.
ELAINE
Did you tell him it was peed on?
JERRY
He said he doesn't care, he'll just
turn the cushion over.
Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.
CARL
I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
ELAINE
Yeah, me too.
CARL
It's just too bad.
ELAINE
Yeah. It is.
CARL
Well, I better get this couch back to
Jerry's.
ELAINE
Can I offer you anything to drink?
CARL
Yeah, sure.
ELAINE
All I've got is grape juice.
CARL
Throw it!
(Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and
we hear the sound of breaking glass.)
CARL
The couch!
Commercial break.
George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at Monk's.
MARIE
She didn't want the constraints of any
relationship, that's why she got rid
of the cat. The most important thing
in Holly's life was her independence.
GEORGE
Well, not really. After all, she did
get together with George Peppard. I
mean, Fred.
MARIE
George...Fred's gay.
(George ponders this quizzically.)
THE END
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