THE DINNER PARTY
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake.
Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't
believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my
coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they
hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make
a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised
they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense
to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small
step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the
face of the earth. "
(Jerry's Apartment)
ELAINE
Hey, do you believe I got happy new
year today? It's February.
JERRY
I once got Happy new Year in July.
ELAINE
It's
JERRY
It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold
out?
ELAINE
It's really cold.
JERRY
Scary cold.
ELAINE
I don't know. What's your definition
of scary cold?
(George enters in Gore-Tex jacket)
JERRY
That.
ELAINE
Huh, What is that, ha?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
When did you get that?
GEORGE
This week. My father got a deal from
a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You
know about Gore-Tex?
JERRY
You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?
ELAINE
You can't even turn around in that thing.
JERRY
Look at this (start hitting George)
ELAINE
Hey George, can you feel this? (they
are hitting his jacket)
GEORGE
All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF.
Come on, let's go.
ELAINE
Maybe we should stop off on the way
and get a bottle of wine or something.
GEORGE
What for?
ELAINE
These people invited us for dinner.
We have to bring something.
GEORGE
Why?
ELAINE
Because it's rude, otherwise.
GEORGE
You mean just going there because I'm
invited, that's rude?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
So you're telling me instead of being
happy to see me they're going to be
upset because I didn't bring anything.
You see what I'm saying?
JERRY
The fabric of society is very complex
George.
GEORGE
I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.
ELAINE
You can't bring Pepsi.
GEORGE
Why not?
ELAINE
Because we're adults?
GEORGE
You telling me that wine is better than
Pepsi? Huh, no way wine is better than
Pepsi.
JERRY
I'm telling you George, I don't think
we want to walk in there and put a big
plastic jug of Pepsi on the table.
GEORGE
I just don't like the ideas that every
time there is a dinner invitation there's
this annoying little chore that goes
along with it.
JERRY
You know, you're getting to be an annoying
little chore yourself.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
All right, let's go. Who's driving?
JERRY
You are. I can't get that thing (George)
in my car.
(In Kramer's car)
JERRY
Where's the heat in this car? Come on
Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Give
me a squeeze.
ELAINE
Get off of me. Get off of ME!
JERRY
You're pretty comfortable up there eh.
Bubble boy?
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.
ELAINE
I was just thinking. The four of us
can't show up with just one bottle of
wine.
GEORGE
Oh, here we go. Why don't we get them
a couch? Bring them a nice sectional.
ELAINE
We'll get some cake. Can you stop off
at the bakery?
GEORGE
Why don't you just get some Ring Dings
at the liquor store?
ELAINE
Ring Dings?
GEORGE
Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything
you'll ever get at a bakery.
KRAMER
I like Ring Dings.
ELAINE
George, we can't show up at someone's
house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.
KRAMER
HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON!
GEORGE
It's a funeral procession. . . . And
I got news for you. I show up with Ring
Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest
hit at the party. People be coming up
to me, "just between you and me I'm
really excited about the Ring Dings
and the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais
and Chardonnay . . .
ELAINE
Oh, wait a minute. There's the bakery.
Stop here. Stop here. Okay, let me out.
You, whatever your name is...
JERRY
Jerry.
ELAINE
Yeah, Jerry, come with me.
KRAMER
Okay, so we're going to get the wine
and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.
ELAINE
Yeah.
KRAMER
All right
(The Royal Bakery)
ELAINE
Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.
JERRY
Oh look Elaine, the black and white
cookie. I love the black and white.
Two races of flavor living side by side
(mumble?) It's a wonderful thing isn't
it?
ELAINE
You know I often wonder what you'll
be like when you're senile.
JERRY
I'm looking forward to it.
ELAINE
Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth
transition for you.
JERRY
Thank you. All right, look at all this
stuff. What are we getting'?
ELAINE
CHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty.
JERRY
Love that Bobka.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah!
JERRY
So listen Elaine, when we get up to
the door, you , you hold the cake box.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
I don't know, just standing there with
a box, holding it by the little string.
ELAINE
You think it's effeminate?
JERRY
It's a tad dainty.
ELAINE
Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
JERRY
You see that's not fair. We were here
ahead of all these people.
ELAINE
You think I should go ask her for hers?
JERRY
No, forget it.
ELAINE
No, no it's not fair. Just because they
have a ticket doesn't mean they were
here first. We were here and we were
ahead of them, and them, and her. Come
on let's just go ask them. Come on.
. . . Excuse me.
(Kramer's car)
KRAMER
Wow, I'm not finding a spot here. What
do you want to do?
GEORGE
Just double park
KRAMER
No
GEORGE
Why not?
KRAMER
I'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if
somebody wants to get out of here?
GEORGE
Are you kidding? People get spaces this
good, they never give them up.
KRAMER
It's a fallacy.
GEORGE
All right, I'll tell you what, why don't
you go into the store and I'll wait
in the car?
KRAMER
Why don't YOU go into the store and
I'LL wait in the car?
GEORGE
Because, I've got the coat. I can sit
in the car and not get cold.
KRAMER
So what I'm going to leave the car running
and the heater'll be on.
GEORGE
Does the heater even work in this car?
KRAMER
No.
GEORGE
Hey, there's a spot right in front of
the liquor store. You see
KRAMER
I see.
GEORGE
You see, ho ho,
(Royal Bakery)
ELAINE
But we were here ahead of you.
BARBARA
How do I know that?
JERRY
Well we saw you come in.
YYY
Well, that's easy for you to say.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, right, that's something I
do all the time, right. I make up stories
to get ahead in line at bakeries.
CLERK
46?
ELAINE
Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara
Benedict?
BARBARA
Yes.
ELAINE
Oh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine
Benes, you remember we met at Linda
van Grak's baby shower.
BARBARA
I'm on my way over there right now.
ELAINE
Me too.
D
You're Jerry right?
JERRY
David!
ELAINE
Well,, this is a little awkward, isn't
it?
BARBARA
Yes it is.
ELAINE
You know we were here ahead of you.
BARBARA
You're NOT getting my number.
JERRY
Oh so you still don't believe us.
CLERK
47!
BARBARA
Us.
ELAINE
Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let
me tell you something as soon as I get
there I'm going to tell everyone what
a jerk you are.
BARBARA
Well, I'll be there ahead of you and
I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU
are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.
CLERK
You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our
last one.
(Liquor Store)
GEORGE
So alright, what are we getting? It's
so hot in here!
KRAMER
What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?
GEORGE
What's that?
KRAMER
It's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed
to a Beaujolais which is richer and
fruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars.
GEORGE
Twelve dollars? I knew we should have
gone to the bakery. I guarantee you
they aren't getting no twelve dollar
cake.
KRAMER
All right but I am going to have to
pay you back latter I don't have my
wallet.
GEORGE
. . . Why not?
KRAMER
Because I don't like to carry my wallet.
My osteopath says it's bad for my spine.
It throws my hips off kilter
GEORGE
"throws your hips off kilter" So where's
your money?
KRAMER
I never take it.
GEORGE
So what do you do?
KRAMER
Oh, I get by.
(Royal Bakery)
BARBARA
See you later (exits with the Bobka)
ELAINE
/JERRY: See you later.
JERRY
That's the last Bobka. They got the
last Bobka.
ELAINE
I know. They're going in first with
the last Bobka.
JERRY
That was our Bobka.
ELAINE
You can't beat a Bobka.
JERRY
We should have had that Bobka.
ELAINE
They're going to be heroes.
JERRY
What are we going to do now. If we can't
get the Bobka the whole thing's useless.
ELAINE
Well how about a carrot cake?
JERRY
Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake?
You don't make carrots into a cake.
I'm sorry.
ELAINE
Black Forrest?
JERRY
Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in
the Forrest, oohh.
JERRY
How about a Napoleon?
ELAINE
Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He
was a ruthless war monger. Might as
well get Mengle.
JERRY
That wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka!
ELAINE
What's this one?
CLERK
That's cinnamon Bobka.
JERRY
Another Bobka?
CLERK
There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.
JERRY
Well, we've got to get the cinnamon.
ELAINE
No, but they got the chocolate. We'll
be going in with a lesser Bobka.
JERRY
I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a
back seat to no Bobka. People love cinnamon.
It should be on tables at restaurants
along with salt and pepper. Anytime
anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's
in it?" The answer invariably comes
back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and
again. Lesser Bobka - I think not.
CLERK
49?
ELAINE
I'll have the cinnamon Bobka.
JERRY
... and a black and white cookie, for
me. Peace!
(Liquor store)
CLECK
That will be 13.05
GEORGE
All right here you go.
CLERK
A hundred? I can't change that.
GEORGE
You can't - oh uh oh All right let's
go.
KRAMER
Wait a second. I can get change.
(Out on the street)
KRAMER
Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?
GEORGE
Hey, hey What are you doing? You'll
get us killed.
KRAMER
What?
GEORGE
Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar
bill. People will be jumping out of
windows after us.
KRAMER
Okay. Let's go but something. Then we'll
get some change.
GEORGE
I am not buying something just to get
change.
KRAMER
George, there's a news stand right over
there. Now come on.
KRAMER
All rright let's get some gum or something.
GEORGE
Pack of gum, okay here you go.
CLERK
What I this a hundred? I can't change
a hundred.
GEORGE
Why not?
CLERK
You got to buy more than that.
KRAMER
Here, get a newspaper.
GEORGE
A newspaper.
CLERK
That's not enough.
KRAMER
A Clark Bar.
GEORGE
Clark Bar.
CLERK
Keep going.
GEORGE
There's 22 dollars here.
KRAMER
George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum.
GEORGE
I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.
KRAMER
That will make great dinner party conversation.
We'll read the letters at the dinner
table.
GEORGE
Oh, that's nice.
KRAMER
Hey, did you ever read one of these?
GEORGE
It's not real. They're all made up.
KRAMER
Oh, it's real.
GEORGE
You know there is an unusual number
of people in this country having sex
with AMPUTEES! . . . Penthouse forum,
newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.
CLERK
6.75.
GEORGE
Ah, great. With the wine I'm in over
twenty dollars now.
MAN1
(gibberish Arabic yelling)
GEORGE
Sorry, it's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex.
KRAMER
You better be careful with that thing.
You'll start a war.
(Royal Bakery)
JERRY
Uhm, The thing about eating the Black
and White cookie, Elaine, is you want
to get some black and some white in
each bite. Nothing mixes better than
vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow
racial harmony eludes us. If people
would only look to the cookie all our
problems would be solved.
ELAINE
Your views on race relations are fascinating.
You really should do an op-ed piece
for the Times.
JERRY
Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look
to the cookie.
ELAINE
What is this?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
It's a hair.
JERRY
Oh, take it back. Let's get another
one.
ELAINE
No, we've already got this. I'll just
take it off.
JERRY
No, really, let's get another one. It
will just take a second.
ELAINE
Excuse me.
MAN
Hey hey, I'm in line here.
ELAINE
No noo no, we just bought this. . .
. Um, you sold us a cake with a hair
on it.
CLERK
You have to take a number.
ELAINE
We waited fifteen minutes for this.
Oh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON
IT. Then you want me to wait? . . .
What are you doing (to Jerry taking
a number) are you going to wait here?
JERRY
Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with
a hair on it.
ELAINE
It was a little hair. I took it off.
JERRY
A little hair? Do you think that makes
it better?
ELAINE
What if it's your hair?
JERRY
What if it's your hair?
ELAINE
What is wrong with my hair? Nothing.
Nobody takes better care of their hair
than me. You can serve dinner on my
head.
JERRY
Who needs misty herbal rain water crap
they sell in the health food store.
I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred
proof - takes your roots out.
ELAINE
Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she
calls the number.
JERRY
Well, why don't we just forget about
the cake?
ELAINE
No I'm bringing cake!
(Liquor store)
GEORGE
All right we got the wine. Aren't we
lucky? We got wine. Imagine if we didn't
bring wine. We'd be shunned by society.
Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!
KRAMER
"I know this is going to sound like
a crazy fantasy but every word of this
story is true..." (exits to street) "
A weeks days ago my girlfriend happened
to mention to me how attractive our
new neighbor Linda was..."
GEORGE
Look at this? Somebody double parked
and blocked us in. DOES ANYBODY KNOW
WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note
on it. No, no note. Can you believe
this?
KRAMER
"...well of course I noticed it too with
those ample breasts and those pouty
lips. I don't have to tell you she was
a knock out...."
(still on street but much later)
GEORGE
I really can't comprehend how stupid
people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend
it?
KRAMER
No, no I can't comprehend it?
GEORGE
I mean we can put a man on the moon
but we're basically still very stupid.
The guy who's car this is? He could
be one of the guys who built the rocket.
You see what I'm saying?
KRAMER
Yeah, he could build the rocket but
he's still stupid for double-parking
and blocking somebody in.
GEORGE
So you really understand my point about
building a rocket and double-parking.
KRAMER
Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets
and on the other part he's dumb with
parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?
GEORGE
Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe
it's just a blatant disregard for basic
human decency. If this how dictator's
start. Do you think Mussolini would
circle the block six times looking for
a spot?
KRAMER
How about Idi Amin?
GEORGE
Ill tell you, if I was running for office
I would ask for the death penalty for
double-parking. If this is allowed to
go on this is not a society. THIS IS
ANARCHY!
KRAMER
Are those shoes comfortable?
GEORGE
No not really.
KRAMER
They look comfortable.
GEORGE
I know that's why I bought them but
they're not comfortable.
(Royal Bakery)
ELAINE
Why couldn't we have just taken the
hair off and go?
JERRY
No, out of the question.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
Because I had a bad experience with
a hair when I was younger.
ELAINE
What happened?
JERRY
I'd rather not talk about it.
ELAINE
You can't tell me?
JERRY
All right . . . I once had a hair in
my Farina and I freaked out.
ELAINE
You found a hair in your Farina?
JERRY
Yeah,
ELAINE
What happened?
JERRY
I started screaming, "There's a hair
in my farina. There's a hair in my farina."
Then I ran out of the house and I was
running and running. I was little but
I could run very fast. I just kept running
and they found me like three hours later
collapsed at a construction site.
ELAINE
Wow. Who's hair was it?
JERRY
My mother's.
CLERK
68!
ELAINE
That's us.
JERRY
Oh, good.
ELAINE
You sold us a hair with a cake around
it. I'd like another one.
CLERK
(coughing and coughing)
JERRY
Ah, that's lovely.
ELAINE
Ah,
JERRY
Just what you want to see, yeah. . .
. You want to trade your hair for some
phlegm
CLERK
Here you are.
ELAINE
Um, okay, we got the cake now. Where
are George and Kramer?
(on street outside Liquor Store)
(honking)
KRAMER
HEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME
ON OUT. IT'S FREEZING!
GEORGE
We're really late now. We're in big
trouble. Big trouble.
KRAMER
Why?
GEORGE
You know, Elaine.
KRAMER
What about her?
GEORGE
. . . I'm a little scared of her.
KRAMER
You're scared of Elaine?
GEORGE
Yes!
KRAMER
Why?
GEORGE
Did you ever see her lose her temper.
I was once late because I bought a Panama
hat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled
it down so hard my head came right through
the top of it.
KRAMER
Let's go inside the liquor store. It's
freezing in here.
GEORGE
Why didn't you wear a heavier coat?
KRAMER
Because I wanted to look good for the
party.
GEORGE
Hey, hey that's great! That's very nice.
We've been waiting twenty minutes for
you people? What do you think? You're
Mussolini?
MAN2
Back off puff ball it's not my car!
GEORGE
I wasn't talking to you.
(Royal Bakery)
ELAINE
Wait until I get my hands on that George.
I'm going to pull that big hood over
his little head, tie the string and
suffocate him. You remember that Panama
hat? That was nothing.
JERRY
Uh, wa?
ELAINE
What's the matter with you?
JERRY
Uh, I don't feel so good.
ELAINE
What's wrong?
JERRY
My stomach, I , I think it was that
cookie.
ELAINE
The black and white?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Not getting along?
JERRY
I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan
down there.
ELAINE
Well if we can't look to the cookie
where can we look?
JERRY
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
ELAINE
Hey, what about your vomit streak?
JERRY
I know, I haven't thrown up since June
29th, 1980.
(Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot)
ELAINE
Oh, oh!
MAN3
Sooory.
ELAINE
Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why
don't you watch what you're doing you,
LUNATIC!... uh, I think he broke my toe.
(Jerry gets up) Where're you going?
JERRY
Fourteen years down the drain.
(Liquor Store)
GEORGE
Do chickens have individual personalities?
KRAMER
(shivering) I don't care.
GEORGE
If you had five chickens could you tell
them apart by just the way they acted?
Or would they all just be walking around?
Cluck, puk cluck? Because if they have
individual personalities I don't think
we should be eating them. What's the
matter with you?
CLERK
Can I help you guys with anything?
GEORGE
We bought the wine here before, but
now we're blocked in by some car that's
double parked and we're just waiting
for the guy to pull out.
CLERK
Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout.
But my friend here has hypothermia.
KRAMER
I've got hypothermia.
CLERK
All right guys, take it outside.
(George turns and breaks wine bottles)
CLERK
You're paying for these.
(Royal bakery)
ELAINE
How was it?
JERRY
As good as it gets.
(Outside Liquor Store)
GEORGE
You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It
was worth a hell of a lot more than
that cheap Chardonnay.
KRAMER
I'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I
can't stop shaking.
GEORGE
I'm cold too. At least you've got a
coat. Let's get in the car.
GEORGE
Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein.
MAN4
Don't walk around without a coat in
this weather; you'll catch your death
of cold. So long.
CLERK
Can I get you anything else?
JERRY
Oh, no thanks.
CLERK
How about a nice box of "scram".
(George enters)
GEORGE
Somebody double parked, we couldn't
help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein,
we're not really sure. He had a British
accent though. What, what happened to
you?
ELAINE
Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just
like the one I'm going to put up your
....
JERRY
Hey, what happened to your coat? And
what's the smell, what are you drunk?
GEORGE
I had to give it to the liquor store
guy.
JERRY
What for?
GEORGE
I spilled some Chardonnay. So what did
you get?
ELAINE
Cinnamon Bobka.
GEORGE
Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate?
JERRY
George!
(In the car)
(silence)
(Apartment #7)
ELAINE
Here, here's your cake.
GEORGE
And your wine.
ELAINE
See ya'.
JERRY
See ya'.
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is
actually lost through the top of the top of the head.
Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.
But there's no hat that makes a statement quite like a hat with a flap.
The hat with the flaps makes a statement like no other hat makes. This hat
says to the world "I would rather have the heat in my skull rather than
anything society could possibly offer." In fact I would say if you're on
trial for a serious crime and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense,
this is the hat to wear. Your lawyer should insist on it.
[puts on the hat] Your honor, "The defense rests."
THE END
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