THE DOORMAN
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
JERRY
You remember a few years ago in New
York, we had the doorman strike? They
have a union, in the fancy buildings,
and they went out on strike. Now you
wouldthink, if any group of people would
not wanna demonstrate what life would
be like without them, it would be doormen.
(as belligerent doorman) "Let's see
how they do without us!" There's no
doorman, people open the door, they
walk in, it's... you know. Who's gonna
walk out next? The guys who clean your
windshield at the traffic light, with
the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We
demand shorter yellows, and longer reds!"
(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)
Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators.
A doorman, stood
reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone
to the doorman's
voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace.
DOORMAN
Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns
to Jerry) May I help you?
JERRY
(indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm
just going up to see Elaine Benes.
DOORMAN
(unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward
Jerry) No-one here by that
name.
JERRY
Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for
Mr. Pitt.
DOORMAN
Oh. House-sitting, mmm.
JERRY
Yeah.
DOORMAN
What're you, the boyfriend? Here for
a... quickie?
JERRY
Can I just go up?
DOORMAN
Oh, I get it. Why waste time making
small talk with the doorman? I
should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.
The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes
the button
for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it
to arrive. The
doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the
unfriendly smile on
his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator
is still not
moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence.
JERRY
How 'bout those Knicks?
DOORMAN
Oh, I see. On the sports page...
JERRY
Yeah.
DOORMAN
...What makes you think I wasn't reading
the Wall Street page? Oh, I
know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.
Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the
elevator will come
and rescue him.
(Street)
George and Kramer walk along together.
KRAMER
So, you think your parents'll get back
together?
GEORGE
I hope so. I can't take him living with
me much longer. He makes this
kasha, it stinks up the whole house.
Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with
a German flag
painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front
of George and
brings them to a halt.
KRAMER
Hey, George, stick 'em up.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
For these German tourists. Pretend that
I'm robbing you.
GEORGE
Why?
KRAMER
So these people can go back home and
tell their friends they saw a real
New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.
Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm,
giving the
impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat.
KRAMER
Awright, hands up, porky!
On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They
look out the
window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer
is feeling through
George's pockets with his free hand.
KRAMER
That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got
it in here, huh, fat boy!
The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on
the glass. Kramer
grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently.
KRAMER
(aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah?
Is that all you got?!
GEORGE
Alright, that's enough.
KRAMER
I'll tell you when it's enough! (he
releases George) Alright, now you
better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!
Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've
witnessed.
(Mr. Pitt's Apartment)
Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment.
ELAINE
Where've you been? We're gonna miss
the movie, let's go.
Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave.
JERRY
I am not going back down there. I can't
face that guy again.
ELAINE
What guy?
JERRY
The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore
of his mindgames. What time does
he get off?
ELAINE
Six. But then the night doorman comes
on. He's much scarier. (scary
noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.
JERRY
Well, it's almost six now. Can't we
just wait til he goes home?
ELAINE
(unhappy) I...
JERRY
We'll still make the movie.
ELAINE
(accepting) Okay, okay.
Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously
look at their
watches.
(George's Apartment)
George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is
in a shirt,
mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk.
GEORGE
What'd you do today, dad?
FRANK
Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich
Village. I bought this record,
but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.
GEORGE
I don't have a hi-fi.
FRANK
Didn't I give you my old record player?
GEORGE
(leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to
Cosmo.
FRANK
Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?
KRAMER
I'm Cosmo.
FRANK
Well, I want it back. I wanna listen
to that cha-cha record.
KRAMER
(little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.
GEORGE
(coming back in) Alright, alright. Can
we go out and eat?
FRANK
(putting down the bowl) Lemme change
my shirt.
George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank
unfastens his
shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso
exposed as the
shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George
looks horrified,
and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit.
(Mr. Pitt's Apartment)
Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window,
holding the
curtain open and looking down at the street.
ELAINE
Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's
go.
JERRY
Uh, that doorman's still milling around
outside. He's very peculiar.
The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves
to answer it.
ELAINE
No, don't...
JERRY
(picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh,
hi Mr. Pitt.
Elaine looks exasperated.
ELAINE
(quietly) Give that to me.
ELAINE
(taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's
Scotland?
Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland.
MR. PITT
(concerned) Elaine, are you having a
party?
ELAINE
A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid
friend Jerry.
Jerry is peering out of the window again.
JERRY
Alright, he just left. We can go.
MR. PITT
(stern) Because there's to be no entertaining
while I'm gone.
ELAINE
Believe me, we're not entertained. We
were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh,
can you grab those empty bottles for me.
Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by
the desk.
MR. PITT
I need to know what's in the mail.
ELAINE
Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing
that can't wait. We're trying
to catch a movie.
MR. PITT
(resolute) Well, you better catch the
later show, because I need to
know what's in the mail.
ELAINE
Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.
Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave.
(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)
Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There
is a new doorman on
duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the
door open for him.
Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves.
(Mr. Pitt's Apartment)
Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread
out on the
floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's
benefit.
ELAINE
...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new
People...
MR. PITT
(piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?
(Street)
Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands
a familiar
figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem.
DOORMAN
Hey, buddy.
JERRY
(surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing
here? You work at this building
too?
DOORMAN
Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two
jobs to put food on the table
for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay,
isn't it?
JERRY
So you work all day as a doorman at
one building. Then you come home and
stand outside your own building?
DOORMAN
You got a problem with that?
JERRY
Look, I'm not going in your building.
I really don't have to talk to you.
Goodbye.
Jerry walks away.
DOORMAN
(calling after Jerry) You really think
you're better than me, don't
you?!
(Monk's)
George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George
is wearing a
purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks
as if he might
never want to eat again.
GEORGE
My father opened his shirt...
JERRY
Yeah, and?
GEORGE
(nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.
KRAMER
(matter of fact) He had breasts.
George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on
eating. Jerry
thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye.
JERRY
What d'you mean, breasts?
GEORGE
(waves his hands) Big breasts!
JERRY
So what? A lot of older men have that.
KRAMER
No, not these. These were real hooters.
Jerry pulls a face at the thought.
GEORGE
I was throwing up all night. It was
like my own personal Crying Game.
KRAMER
Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too,
George.
GEORGE
(worried) Yeah, that's right. What if
it's a genetic thing, like father
like son?
JERRY
But, your father's not bald.
GEORGE
No, no no. That skips a generation.
The baldness gene comes from your
grandfather.
JERRY
Then I suppose the bosom gene comes
from your grandmother.
George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry.
He continues to
look deeply worried.
KRAMER
You know, Frank can't be too comfortable
with those things clanging
around. He should wear something for support.
GEORGE
You mean like a bra?
KRAMER
A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about
a support undergarment
specifically designed for men.
JERRY
Boy, that brain never stops working,
does it?
KRAMER
I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with
this.
Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making
her way to the
door, as she passes the booth she notices George.
BUXOM WOMAN
(indicating her shirt with her finger)
Hey, we're twins.
GEORGE
(thinking she means the breasts) What!!
BUXOM WOMAN
Our shirts. They're the same.
GEORGE
Oh, Huh, imagine that.
The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over
to Jerry. She's
not happy about something.
ELAINE
(to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the
doorman?
JERRY
What? Nothing.
ELAINE
(sitting beside Jerry) He claims that
you followed him home, and started
harassing him.
JERRY
What has this guy got a personal vendetta
with me?! What'd I do to him?
'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?
ELAINE
Hey, did you make the movie?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
You wanna go tonight? You can pick me
up.
JERRY
Alright. Can we go to a later show,
so he's off his shift when I come by?
ELAINE
Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our
lives to avoid the doorman?
JERRY
Yes, we do.
Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George
is holding the
neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the
garment at his
chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body,
to see if
there's any movement.
ELAINE
What is wrong with George?
JERRY
He's... trying to get something off
his chest.
George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his
wallet to pay the
cheque.
GEORGE
(agitated) Alright, I gotta try and
talk my mother into taking him off
my hands.
(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)
Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman
standing
inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved.
DOORMAN
Help you?
JERRY
(jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you
doing here? You're supposed to be
gone.
DOORMAN
I traded shifts with the night doorman.
He had some personal affairs to
attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each
other. We don't
stab each other in the back, like people in your world.
JERRY
(trying to ease the tension) Look, I
don't want any trouble. I don't have
a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking
to them. I'd
really just like to be friends.
DOORMAN
You wanna be friends?
JERRY
I'd like to be.
DOORMAN
Then watch the door for a minute, would
you?
The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the
counter.
JERRY
What?
DOORMAN
Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer.
I'll be back in a minute.
JERRY
Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do
I do?
DOORMAN
It's not brain surgery. You open the
door for people who live here.
And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his
hat) Here.
(putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.
JERRY
Oh.
The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which
he's not thrilled
about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator
open, and a
young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit.
After a second,
Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door
to allow the woman
to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past
Jerry into the
elevator vacated by the woman.
JERRY
(to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey.
Wait a second. Hey! Hello!
The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street
door opens and
another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him.
JERRY
Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
MR. GREEN
(indignant) Of course I live here. I've
lived here for twenty years.
Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and
have you arrested.
Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the
building, but he
looks resentful about it.
JERRY
(after the guy) You think you're better
than me?
(Bus)
George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street,
it rattles,
shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport.
George is
strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might
be some
movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices
another guy
on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his
coat tight shut,
and crosses his arms firmly.
(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)
Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper.
A FedEx
delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and
scans a barcode
on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches,
disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits
for something.
DELIVERY GUY
(indicating) You have to sign for it.
JERRY
Oh, right.
Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then
goes back to the
newspaper.
DELIVERY GUY
(with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those
Knicks, huh?
Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might.
JERRY
(dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude.
Jerry puts
the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's
no sign of the
doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing
it with a wave of
the hand as he moves to the elevator.
(George's Apartment)
Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable
record player.
KRAMER
Hey. I uh, brought back your record
player, huh.
FRANK
Thank you, Kramer.
KRAMER
Yeah.
FRANK
(indicating a chair) Put it over there.
Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the
couch, not moving
very easily.
KRAMER
So, how you feeling?
FRANK
Tired.
KRAMER
Uh huh. Your back hurt?
FRANK
How did you know?
KRAMER
Well, it's obvious, you know. You're
carrying a lot of extra baggage up
there.
FRANK
(looks down, and indicates his chest)
Up here?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank)
Listen, Frank, have you ever
considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this.
(reaches into his
pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.
Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated
fabric.
FRANK
You want me to wear a bra?!
KRAMER
No, no. A bra is for ladies.
Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest.
KRAMER
Meet, the bro.
(Estelle's Car)
Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George.
ESTELLE
So, is your father excited about coming
home?
George is miles away.
ESTELLE
George?
GEORGE
(broaching a subject) Hey mom. What
kind of woman was grandma?
ESTELLE
All of a sudden you're interested in
your grandmother?
GEORGE
Well, you know. You get to a certain
point, you wanna know about your
roots.
ESTELLE
She was a lovely woman.
GEORGE
Yuh. What about physically?
ESTELLE
Physically?
GEORGE
Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look
like?
ESTELLE
Well, you've seen pictures.
GEORGE
(to himself) You can't tell much from
those pictures.
ESTELLE
So what?
GEORGE
Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?
ESTELLE
Big? No, just my height.
GEORGE
Bosomy?
ESTELLE
Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother
was bosomy?!
GEORGE
(trying to laugh it off) No, I was just
wondering. The information could
be relevant.
ESTELLE
Where do you get your genes from?!
GEORGE
(to himself) That's what I'd like to
know.
(Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building)
Elaine and Jerry ride down.
ELAINE
I can't believe you left your post.
JERRY
He left me there. You see the mind games?
The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open.
(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)
Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants
standing
around, and a uniformed cop taking notes.
ELAINE
(to one of the tenants) Hey, what's
up? What's going on here?
TENANT 1
Somebody stole the couch out of the
lobby.
Jerry and Elaine look shocked.
TENANT 2
Where's the doorman? How come someone
wasn't watching the door?
ELAINE
(quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get
out of here.
JERRY
Yeah.
Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste.
(George's Apartment)
Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player.
Frank and Kramer
are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer
stands behind
Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and
George and Estelle
enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and
look stunned.
ESTELLE
(shocked) Oh, my god!
George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind
a relatively
unfazed Frank.
(Jerry's Apartment)
The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's
red dress,
give a very noirish look to the scene.
ELAINE
What were you doing watching the door
anyway?
JERRY
He asked me to. We were getting along.
ELAINE
(thinking) You know, my fingerprints
are all over this. That doorman
knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll
tell Mr.
Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.
JERRY
Don't you find it odd that as soon as
he leaves, the couch gets stolen?
Maybe he's setting me up!
ELAINE
(taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut
up. Just let me think. I gotta
think. We gotta get our story straight.
JERRY
Alright, well what if we say...
ELAINE
Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This
is what we'll tell 'em. You came
to pick me up...
JERRY
I came to pick you up.
ELAINE
Yeah. That's what I just said.
JERRY
I know. I was just...
ELAINE
Yeah, I know what you were just. It's
not helping.
JERRY
Alright, well. Just, start again, then.
ELAINE
Okay, you came to pick me up at...
JERRY
Right.
ELAINE
You see? Again.
JERRY
What? I said right.
Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot.
ELAINE
Alright, you came right upstairs, without
talking to the doorman.
JERRY
But the doorman's gonna say that I was
there.
ELAINE
(intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe
a doorman!
JERRY
But I don't know if this is gonna work.
ELAINE
(aggressive, with finger pointing) Just
stick with the story. We'll be
fine. Let me do the talking!
JERRY
Okay.
ELAINE
Good. Now fix me a drink.
(George's Apartment)
Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro.
KRAMER
How's that feel?
FRANK
This feels very comfortable.
KRAMER
You see?
FRANK
I feel ten years younger.
KRAMER
Yeah, and your posture's a lot better.
Look at you.
Frank walks a few paces.
FRANK
And I can breathe easier, too.
KRAMER
I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's
what I'm thinking. Now, you have
a friend in the bra business, right?
FRANK
Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best
in the business.
KRAMER
(claps his hands) Here's our chance.
What d'you say? It'll be me, you
and the bro, bro.
FRANK
Let's do it!
Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake.
FRANK
Except, we gotta do something about
the name.
KRAMER
Why, what's wrong with bro?
FRANK
No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.
KRAMER
Alright, you got something better?
FRANK
How 'bout uh... the mansiere?
KRAMER
Mansiere?
FRANK
That's right. A brassiere for a man.
The mansiere, get it?
George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside.
GEORGE
(upset) Well, you've scared her off.
We may never see mom again.
FRANK
Hey George, what d'you like better?
The bro, or the mansiere?
George looks down at the floor for a few seconds.
GEORGE
Dad. We need to talk.
(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)
The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs.
Payton.
DOORMAN
I had to use the bathroom, so I asked
this guy to watch the door for a
few minutes.
Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls
to the elevator.
MRS. PAYTON
Why should I believe you?
DOORMAN
(indicating Elaine) Actually, it was
her friend.
Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk
to her. Elaine
looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan.
MRS. PAYTON
I was just speaking to the doorman here,
about the couch robbery.
The doorman peers over at the conversing
ELAINE
Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman.
And, pray tell, what did the doorman
say?
MRS. PAYTON
He said he asked a friend of yours to
watch the door.
ELAINE
(dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman
certainly has a wild imagination,
doesn't he?
Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter.
He brings
out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward
Mrs. Payton.
DOORMAN
Well... what do we have here? Perhaps
Miss Benes could explain why a
Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to
Mrs. Payton) at
the exact same time the couch was stolen.
Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks
sick, as she's
caught out.
ELAINE
(in a rush) He never watched a door
before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know
how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton,
they don't know
how to do anything.
The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet
smile of triumph.
ELAINE
(desperate) Don't you see what's going
on here? He set us up. He's
playing all these mindgames.
The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture.
(Monk's)
Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an
animated Elaine
facing them.
JERRY
You're saying I'm responsible for the
couch?
ELAINE
(worked up) There was nothing I could
do. He said he had a Federal
Express slip with your signature on it.
JERRY
(livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything.
He was setting me up from
day one!
ELAINE
Is it possible we were victims of a
sting?
JERRY
I'm sure he's having a good laugh over
this with his doorman buddies.
Jerry stares off, as he imagines...
(Jerry's Imagination)
In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand
around the
unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale.
DOORMAN 2
So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch
the couch?
DOORMAN
No. I was just messing with his head.
DOORMAN 2
And they think they're better than us?
The doormen whoop it up again
(Monk's)
Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen.
ELAINE
Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?
Jerry snaps back to the here and now.
ELAINE
We have to replace the couch.
JERRY
Now we have to buy a new couch?!
A thought occurs to George.
GEORGE
(crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't
you take back the couch you gave me?
JERRY
The one with the Poppie stain?!
GEORGE
Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father
will have no place to sleep.
(snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.
ELAINE
But it's got a pee-stain on it.
GEORGE
No, the cushion's turned over.
ELAINE
(not sure) I guess.
GEORGE
(enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch.
I get rid of my father. It
couldn't be more perfect!
(Sid Farkus' Office)
Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer
and Frank. Kramer
is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus.
KRAMER
Now, it's called the bro.
FRANK
Or, the mansiere.
KRAMER
Yeah, but I prefer the bro.
FRANK
I like mansiere.
Kramer puts the bro on the desk.
FARKUS
Well, I have to tell you, it's a very
interesting idea.
KRAMER
Yeah.
FARKUS
You know, selling bras exclusively to
women, we're really only utilising
fifty percent of the market.
FRANK
(to Kramer) That's what we figured,
huh?
KRAMER
(to Frank) I told you.
FARKUS
And, to be perfectly frank, I've always
felt I could use some support. I
know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.
FRANK
(vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead
in Banlon.
Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon.
FARKUS
(indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you
see in the back? Hooks? Velcro?
What?
KRAMER
Uh.
FRANK
Definitely velcro.
Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer.
KRAMER
Say you're getting intimate with a woman
uh, you don't want her fumbling
and struggling back there.
The three of them chuckle at the thought.
KRAMER
I think we've all experienced that.
They share a manly laugh.
FARKUS
Summer nights.
The laughter continues for a moment.
KRAMER
(pointing at Farkus) Very funny.
FARKUS
Well, I still have to talk about this
to Mr. Degrunmont...
KRAMER
Of course, yes.
FARKUS
...But, barring any unforeseen developments,
gentlemen, I think we're
sitting on a winner.
Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype
and moves
toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand.
FARKUS
(sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how
sorry I am to hear about you and
Estelle separating.
Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave.
FRANK
Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in
the past. I'm ready to move on.
FARKUS
(thoughtful) I've always been very fond
of Estelle. Beautiful woman. I
uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would
it be okay with
you, if I were to ask her out?
FRANK
(anger) You wanna go out with my wife?!
(rage) Where do you get the nerve
to ask me something like that?!
FARKUS
Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying...
Kramer tries to calm Frank down.
FRANK
I know what you're saying, and I know
what you're thinking!!
FARKUS
No, Frank...
FRANK
C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business
with this guy.
Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm
him down' look and
follows Frank out the door.
KRAMER
Frank!
(George's Apartment)
Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a
suitcase.
GEORGE
Jerry took the couch back.
FRANK
He took it back? Didn't you tell him
I was using it?
GEORGE
Oh, I pleaded with him.
FRANK
Where am I supposed to sleep?
GEORGE
Well, I took the liberty of packing
your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming
to get you.
KRAMER
I thought Jerry didn't want that couch,
because of the stain?
George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up.
FRANK
What stain?
KRAMER
Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.
George bites his lip and shakes his head.
FRANK
(disbelief) You had me sleeping on a
pee-stained couch?
GEORGE
(light) No. No, no, no. The cushion
was turned over.
FRANK
(anger) But, the very idea. you had
me lying in urine!!
George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at
the door.
GEORGE
Ah! There's mom, there's mom.
George races over and opens the door.
ESTELLE
Is it safe to come in?
GEORGE
Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to
enter) Of course.
ESTELLE
You're not having any of your transvestite
parties?
FRANK
Will you stop it?
ESTELLE
(to Kramer) I lived with him for forty
years, I never saw him trying on
my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J.
Edgar Hoover!
As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out
the record player.
FRANK
Here, Cosmo...
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
FRANK
...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it
over) I don't need it now...
KRAMER
Awright, I got it.
FRANK
...I got one at home.
George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming
from his face.
ESTELLE
Alright, let's go.
Kramer opens the door.
FRANK
We'll go out for dinner tonight.
ESTELLE
I can't tonight, I'm busy.
FRANK
What d'you mean, busy?
ESTELLE
I'm having dinner with someone.
FRANK
With whom?
George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders.
ESTELLE
Sid Farkus.
FRANK
(anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having
dinner with a bra salesman.
George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready
to help carry
them out to the car.
ESTELLE
Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't
wear 'em.
FRANK
Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home!
Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops.
GEORGE
(upset) But you can't stay here. There's
no place to sleep!
FRANK
We'll work something out.
George drops the cases in disappointment.
(Street)
The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer
comes around the
corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman,
one of the
witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he
passes. She climbs
out of the bus and points after Kramer.
GERMAN WOMAN
Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!
Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after
him. He turns
back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off
the bus and join
the woman as she follows Kramer.
GERMAN WOMAN
Stop that man! It's him.
Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player,
pushing past
bystanders as the tourists close on him.
GERMAN WOMAN
Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop,
it's him. I know, I know.
Help. Stop him.
Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's
trapped by the
tourists, who block his escape.
HORST
Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player
is not yours.
KRAMER
Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.
HORST
You're a thief. We have proof.
Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket.
HORST
What is that?
Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He
holds it up
against his body, to illustrate his words.
KRAMER
The first upper-body support undergarment,
specifically designed for
men.
One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the
shoulder at
Kramer's explanation.
HORST
How does it connect in the back? With
a hook?
KRAMER
Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.
The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are
all looking much
more jovial.
HORST
(to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct
German) ...keine problem, ah?
The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and
the portly German
holding the bro up to himself.
HORST
Is gut, ja?
(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)
Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby.
Mrs. Payton
regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as
the delivery men
leave.
MRS. PAYTON
Well, I suppose it'll have to do.
ELAINE
It's a beautiful couch.
JERRY
It's hardly been used.
Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives,
and a familiar
character steps out and is noticed by Jerry.
JERRY
Poppie!
POPPIE
Oh, hello, Jerry.
JERRY
What're you doing here?
POPPIE
Visiting my friend.
JERRY
Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?
POPPIE
Oh, much better, much better. The doctors
say I cannot have no
aggravation.
JERRY
Hmm.
POPPIE
So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just
take it easy. See, if I get
excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated,
was in
the restaurant. With your friend.
Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height.
Jerry nods,
remembering and in sympathy.
POPPIE
She start the big fight, about abortion.
Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her
approach, and is
not happy.
POPPIE
It's you! It's you!
ELAINE
Wha...?
POPPIE
You! I... I gotta sit down!
Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch.
JERRY
No, Poppie! No!!
Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified
expressions, of
Jerry and Elaine.
(George's Apartment)
George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying
a small bowl.
George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs
into bed whilst
keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank
settles back.
Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when
a thought occurs.
Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George
a taste.
FRANK
Kasha?
George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have
fallen onto the
bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's
bowl.
GEORGE
No. Thanks, dad.
Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches
off his bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles
down beneath the bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches
on his bedside lamp.
Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own
face, as Frank continues to eat his kasha.
THE END
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