THE ENGAGEMENT
Written by
Larry David
(George's Apartment)
GEORGE
Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell
you what your problem is: You brought
your queen out too fast. What do you
think? She's one of these feminists
looking to get out of the house? No,
the queen is old fashioned. . Likes
to stay home. Cook. Take care of her
man. Make sure he feels good.
LIZ
Checkmate.
GEORGE
I don't think we should see each other
any more.
(At Elaine's. She's trying to get some rest.)
(dogs barking)
ELAINE
Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.
(Monk's)
JERRY
And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat
you at chess? That's pretty sick.
GEORGE
I don't see how I could perform sexually
in a situation after something like
that. I was completely emasculated.
Anyway, it's not the only reason.
JERRY
Yeah, what else?
GEORGE
All right. You wanna know what one of
her favorite expressions is? Happy,
Pappy?
JERRY
Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?
GEORGE
Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased
with something, she'll say, "Happy,
Pappy?"
JERRY
Oh, you're "Pappy".
GEORGE
I'm "Pappy".
JERRY
Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say
it?
GEORGE
Oh, come on. What, are you kidding?
GEORGE
I'm much more comfortable criticizing
people behind their backs. Anyway, look
who's talking. You just broke up with
with Melanie last week because she "shuushed
you" while you were watching TV.
JERRY
Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"!
GEORGE
What is this? Did you ever get the feeling
like you've had a haircut but you didn't
have one? I'm all itchy back here.
JERRY
Ahh.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
What is this? What are we doing? What
in god's name are we doing?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
OUR LIVES!! What kind of lives are these?
We're like children. We're not men.
GEORGE
No, we're not. We're not men.
JERRY
We come up with all these stupid reasons
to break up with these women.
GEORGE
I know. I know. That's what I do. That's
what I do.
JERRY
Are we going to be sitting here when
we're sixty like two idiots?
GEORGE
We should be having dinner with our
sons when we're sixty.
JERRY
We're pathetic.. you know that?
GEORGE
Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic.
JERRY
Why can't I be normal?
GEORGE
Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.
JERRY
It would be nice to care about someone.
GEORGE
Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think
about a lot? Remember Susan? The one
that used to work for NBC?
JERRY
Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.
GEORGE
No. It didn't take.
JERRY
Oh.
GEORGE
Did I tell you I ran into her last week?
Ho-ho, she looked great.
JERRY
Hmm.
GEORGE
You thought she was good looking, right?
JERRY
See, there you go again. What is the
difference what I think?
GEORGE
I was just curious.
JERRY
Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do
something about my life, you know? You
know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie
again. So what if she shushed me.
GEORGE
I am really gonna make some changes.
GEORGE
Yes. Changes.
JERRY
I'm serious about it.
GEORGE
Think I'M not?
JERRY
I'm not kidding.
GEORGE
Me too.
(At Jerry's. He's on the phone)
JERRY
Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity.
Oh, it was just an expression. All right,
well, that's very sweet of you. Okay,
I'll call you later. All right, bye.
Hey!
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
I had a very interesting lunch with
George Costanza today.
KRAMER
Really?
JERRY
We were talking about our lives and
we both kind of realized we're kids.
We're not men.
KRAMER
So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't
there something more to life?"
JERRY
Yes. We did.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something.
There isn't.
JERRY
There isn't?
KRAMER
Absolutely not. I mean, what are you
thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family?
JERRY
Well...
KRAMER
They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're
doing time. You get up in the morning.
She's there. You go to sleep at night.
She's there. It's like you gotta ask
permission to use the bathroom. Is it
all right if I use the bathroom now?
JERRY
Really?
KRAMER
Yeah, and you can forget about watching
TV while you're eating.
JERRY
I can?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's
dinner time. And you know what you do
at dinner?
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
You talk about your day. How was your
day today? Did you have a good day today
or a bad day today? Well, what kind
of day was it? Well, I don't know. How
about you? How was your day?
JERRY
Boy.
KRAMER
It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of
affairs..
JERRY
I'm glad we had this talk.
KRAMER
Oh, you have no idea.
(Apiphany - on the pier)
GEORGE
La-la-la...
(Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just
dragged in)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
ELAINE
Three hours of sleep again last night..
Three hours of sleep because of that
dog.
KRAMER
What dog?
KRAMER
Yeah. What dog?
ELAINE
This dog in the courtyard across from
my bedroom window that never never stops
barking..
KRAMER
Don't...
ELAINE
I lost my voice screaming at this thing.
I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean,
I just moved. I can't move again. What
am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna
do?
KRAMER
Well, there is something you can do.
ELAINE
What? Kramer:, I'll do anything.
KRAMER
Well, what if there should be an unfortunate
accident?
JERRY
You're going to rub out the dog?
KRAMER
No, no. Not me. I just happen to know
someone who specializes in exactely
these kinds of sticky situations.
ELAINE
Uh-huh.
JERRY
What, you're considering this?
KRAMER
Look, just meet with him. ?????.
(Newman's - dark and dangerous)
ELAINE
I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer
talked me into coming up here. But,
obviously, I could never really do anything.
NEWMAN
Of course. Obviously.
ELAINE
Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting
your time.
NEWMAN
What kind of dog did you say it was?
ELAINE
Um, I don't know. I've never really
seen it.
NEWMAN
I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll
bet there's not one type of mutt or
mongrel I haven't run across.
NEWMAN
If you ask me, they have no business
living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS
. . .
KRAMER
Newman! Stop it!!
NEWMAN
Anyway.
ELAINE
Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if
I were interested in availing myself
of your services, um, what exactly would
you do?
NEWMAN
Well, Elaine, there's any number of
things I could do. But, I can promise
you this, though, this vicious beast
will never bother you again. So, what's
it going to be?
ELAINE
No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I
can't hurt a dog. I can't.
KRAMER
I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll
drop him off Upstate and this way he
won't bother you anymore and he won't
get hurt.
NEWMAN
Yeah, I suppose.
KRAMER
Huh?
ELAINE
I'd have to think about it. I doubt
it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you
know.
NEWMAN
Of course. Take your time. I'll be here.
is still at the pier. His thoughts shift
somewhat.)
GEORGE
La-la-la-la-la-la-la! (flashbacks to
Susan)
(Elaine's - makes phone call)
ELAINE
All right. Let's do it.
NEWMAN
Excellent. Excellent.
(Restaurant)
JERRY
How come you're eating your peas one
at a time?
Melanie I'm sorry.
(Susan's)
SUSAN
Who is it?
GEORGE
It's George:.
SUSAN
George:? George:, what is it?
GEORGE
Will you marry me?
(George is on the phone.)
GEORGE
Ma, guess what!
MRS. C
Oh, my god!
GEORGE
No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.
MRS. C
You're what?
GEORGE
I'm getting married?
MRS. C
Oh, my god! You're getting married?
GEORGE
Yes!
MRS. C
Oh, I can't believe it. Frank, come
here.
FRANK
You come here.
MRS. C
Georgie's getting married.
FRANK
What?
MRS. C
Georgie's getting married.
Frank Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?
Mrs. C Yes.
Frank To a woman?
MRS. C
Of course to a woman. What's she look
like?
FRANK
I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.
GEORGE
What difference does it make what she
looks like?
MRS. C
Is she pretty?
GEORGE
Yes, she's pretty. What difference does
it make?
MRS. C
Oh, I'm just curious.
FRANK
She's not pretty?
MRS. C
Let me talk to her.
GEORGE
She wants to talk to you.
SUSAN
: Uh, hello?
MRS. C
Congratulations!
SUSAN
: I just want you to know that I love
your son very much.
MRS. C
You do?
SUSAN
: Yes.
Mrs. C Really?
SUSAN
: Yes.
MRS. C
May I ask why?
Frank Okay...
MRS. C
Will you stop. I'm on the telephone.
FRANK
Can I talk to her, please?
(Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.)
JERRY
Hey!
KRAMER
Hey!
JERRY
What are you up to?
KRAMER
Nothing.
JERRY
What's the rope for?
KRAMER
Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got
rope. Um, I gotta go.
JERRY
The dog. You're getting the dog.
GEORGE
Hey, Kramer:, where are you going?
KRAMER
Out.
GEORGE
Don't go. Kramer:! Come back. I got
great news. Well, I did it.
JERRY
Did what?
GEORGE
I got engaged. I'm getting married.
I asked Susan: to marry me. We're getting
married this Christmas.
JERRY
You're getting married?
GEORGE
Yes!
JERRY
Oh, my god!
GEORGE
I'm a man. Jerry:, I'm a man. And do
you know why? It's because of that talk
we had. You were my inspiration. Do
you believe it? You. That lunch was
the defining moment of my life.
JERRY
I'm blown away.
GEORGE
You're blown?
JERRY
Wow!
GEORGE
You like that?
JERRY
And she said "Yes"?
GEORGE
It took a couple of hours of convincing.
I was just like those guys in the movies.
And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't
believe my luck that she was still available
. A beautiful woman like that. You think
she's good looking, right?
JERRY
You're gonna have gorgeous kids.
GEORGE
Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..
JERRY
Pinkish hue?
GEORGE
Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going
on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know
you're not getting married, but uh,
things are happening?
JERRY
Well...actually, we kind of broke up.
GEORGE
You what?
JERRY
Well, you know, we were having dinner
the other night, and she's got this
strangest habit. She eats her peas one
at a time. You've never seen anything
like it. It takes her an hour to finish
them. I mean, we've had dinner other
times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets.
4But she scooped them.
GEORGE
. . . she scooped her niblets?
JERRY
Yes. That's what was so vexing.
GEORGE
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
What happened to the pact? We were both
gonna change. We shook hands on a pact.
9Did you not shake my hand on it uh?
JERRY
You stuck your hand out, so I shook
it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway,
you should be happy you're engaged.
You're getting married.
GEORGE
Well, it's not that. I just, you know,
I thought that we were both uh...
JERRY
You thought I was gonna get married?
GEORGE
Well, maybe not married, but...
JERRY
I mean, you love Susan: , right?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
You want to spend the rest of your life
with her
GEORGE
. . . . . . Yeah.
JERRY
So?
GEORGE
Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.
JERRY
No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm
tonight?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
I'll pick you up at your apartment.
We'll go to the Eight.
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. !
How about some champagne?
GEORGE
Champagne?
JERRY
Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged?
Come on!
GEORGE
Okay! Alright!
JERRY
You know what? No champagne. . . . I'll
see you later.
GEORGE
Yeah.
(Night outside)
ELAINE
That's it. That's it. Stop right here.
NEWMAN
All right, give me the rope.
ELAINE
What? What do you need a rope for?
NEWMAN
Look, I don't have time to explain every
little thing to you.
ELAINE
I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe
we shouldn't do this.
NEWMAN
I knew you'd back out.
ELAINE
Kramer:, are we doing a bad thing?
KRAMER
Well, Look at it this way. We drop the
dog off in front of somebody's house
in the country. They find it and adopt
it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields.
Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions.
We're doing this dog a real favor.
ELAINE
Yeah. That's him.
NEWMAN
All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor
running.
's.)
JERRY
Ready?
GEORGE
Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.
JERRY
Oh, how come?
GEORGE
Well, I didn't really tell Susan: about
it, and she doesn't really have anything
else to do.
JERRY
Well, she could come.
GEORGE
Well, she doesn't really want to see
Firestorm.
JERRY
Oh.
GEORGE
She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.
JERRY
Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally
Field. Well, that should be good.
GEORGE
Yeah. see you later.
JERRY
Hey, wait a second. You know, we could
share a cab. They're playing at the
same Cineplex.
SUSAN
George, better get read
GEORGE
I am ready.
SUSAN
You wearing that shirt?.
GEORGE
Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Okay.
(In the van.)
ELAINE
What time you got?
KRAMER
Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.
ELAINE
What do you do?
KRAMER
Well, I tell time by the sun.
ELAINE
How close do you get?
KRAMER
Well, I can guess within an hour.
ELAINE
Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour,
and I don't even have to look at the
sun.
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Well, what about at night? What do you
do then?
KRAMER
Well, night's tougher but it's only
a couple of hours.
NEWMAN
Let's go. Let's go. Move!
KRAMER
You got it?
NEWMAN
What do you think? Drive. Drive.
ELAINE
Where is it? Where is it? This? This
is the dog?
NEWMAN
Yep.
ELAINE
But he's so small.
NEWMAN
Yeah, but he's a fighter.
ELAINE
That can't be the dog. Are you sure
you got the right one?
NEWMAN
Look, you said the one in the second
courtyard. He was in the second courtyard.
ELAINE
How could that be the dog?
KRAMER
Well, get him to bark.
ELAINE
Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.
NEWMAN
All right. Bark.
ELAINE
Bark.
NEWMAN
Bark.
(At the theater)
SUSAN
Did you like it?
GEORGE
Yes, it was very, very good.
SUSAN
Oh, do you think he'll ever find her
again?
GEORGE
Oh, I sure hope so.
JERRY
How about when Harrison Ford jumped
out of that plane, and he was shooting
back at them as he was falling?
FRIEND
What about that underwater escape?
JERRY
Oh, man!
(In the van)
KRAMER
Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's
a news report about it.
NEWMAN
???????
ELAINE
You think we're far enough.
NEWMAN
We're practically to Monticello.
KRAMER
Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give
me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This
is your new home. Let go of my shirt.
Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt
is from Rudy's.
JERRY
's on the phone with his newly imprisoned
buddy, Georgie.
GEORGE
Hello?
JERRY
Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game.
You watching this?
GEORGE
They are?
SUSAN
George:, you coming to bed? I'm taping
mad About You.
GEORGE
Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
JERRY
What was that?
GEORGE
Uh, nothing. I got to go.
JERRY
Oh, Mattingly just sinled .
GEORGE
You know, it was really wrong of you
to back out on that deal.
JERRY
I didn't make a deal. I just shook your
hand.
GEORGE
Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come
from.
JERRY
We come from the same place.
SUSAN
George:, I'm starting it.
GEORGE
I got to go.
(At the pooch's pad. )
Lady Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about
you. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's.
(Elaine's bedroom - dog barking)
ELAINE
No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.
's. )
ELAINE
I don't know. I don't know how it happened.
We were practically in Monticello. I
mean, how could that thing have found
its way back? There's no way.
JERRY
Very strange.
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG
mastermind?
ELAINE
Oh, I can't Jerry:. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.
JERRY
All right. But then I can't tell you
the BIG news.
ELAINE
News? What news?
JERRY
Sorry!
ELAINE
What? What?
JERRY
All right, Elaine but this is beyond
news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or
the Kennedy assassination. It's like
not even news. It's total shock.
ELAINE
Oh, come on, Jerry:. Please, please,
please, please, please!
JERRY
George Costanza...
ELAINE
Yeah?
JERRY
Is getting married!
ELAINE
Get out!
(Outside kramer's apartmen)
KRAMER
Hi.
COP
You Cosmo Kramer:?
KRAMER
Uh, yes. Yeah.
COP
You recognize this piece of fabric?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, that's...
COP
What?
KRAMER
What?
COP
You're under arrest.
KRAMER
Arrest?
COP
I have a receipt for a rental car with
your signature. Including a report with
some damage to the rear seat. It seems
the spring was so compressed it completely
collapsed the right side..
JERRY
Newman: .
's door)
NEWMAN
What took you so long?
(back of a Cop car)
KRAMER
Hey, what do you think they'll do to
us?
NEWMAN
Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty
minutes that place'll be swarming with
mailmen. We'll be back on the street
by lunch.
ELAINE
I gotta make some changes. I'm not a
woman. I'm a child. What kind of life
is this?
(in bed - MAY music)
THE END
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