THE FOUNDATION
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
The cemetery. Jerry, George, and the Rosses are standing in front
of Susan's tombstone, which reads "Susan Biddle Ross, June 8,
1964 - May 19, 1996.")
GEORGE
Well... it's a magnificent stone.
MR. ROSS
They put it up this morning.
(pause.)
GEORGE
It's just a magnificent stone. (turns
to Jerry) Jerry?
(Jerry, obviously uncomfortable, turns slowly and shrugs his
shoulders at George.)
MRS. ROSS
George... we'll leave you alone with
her.
GEORGE
What?
MRS. ROSS
I'm sure there are things you'd like
to say.
(She pats his shoulder, and then she and her husband leave Jerry
and George alone with Susan.)
GEORGE
No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really.
(Jerry turns around to follow the Rosses.)
GEORGE
Jerry...
(He tries to keep Jerry there, but Jerry jerks away. George then
turns to Susan's stone nervously, trying to think of where to
begin. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ross offers Jerry an alcoholic beverage
of some sort.)
JERRY
Thank you, no.
(She continues drinking.)
GEORGE
(to Susan's stone) ...And then, right
after the All-Star Break, we, we just
swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore.
(adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah.
Jerry's apartment.)
GEORGE
Boy, that was awkward!
JERRY
I don't mind the cemetery.
GEORGE
What were you saying to the Rosses over
there, anyway?
JERRY
Oh, I don't know. I told them her death
takes place in the shadow of new life.
She's not really dead if we find a way
to remember her.
GEORGE
What is that?
JERRY
Star Trek II.
GEORGE
(identifying it) Wrath of Khan!
JERRY
Right. Kramer and I saw it last night.
Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel,
and they shoot him out the bowel of
the ship in that big sunglasses case.
GEORGE
That was a hell of a thing when Spock
died...
JERRY
Yeah...
(For a brief moment, the two become overwhelmed with emotion.)
GEORGE
Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is
up, I paid my respects, guess that's
it.
JERRY
So it's over?
GEORGE
I have mourned for three long months!
Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve
in January! It's time for George to
start being George again.
JERRY
All right, so uh, let's do something
later. How 'bout a movie?
GEORGE
Yes! Nothing says George like a movie!
(Kramer enters as George is leaving.)
KRAMER
Movie?
JERRY
Yeah, you in?
KRAMER
No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial
arts class.
GEORGE
George is going to the movies! (exits)
JERRY
(to Kramer) So how's your karate class
going?
KRAMER
(pronouncing it "kar-ah-tay") Karate,
Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit
of balance and harmony.
JERRY
...But with punching and kicking.
KRAMER
Jerry, karate is not here (pointing
to the ground). It's here (points to
head), and here (points to chest), and
here (makes a circle with his hands).
JERRY
Alright, I gotta go to the airport to
pick up Elaine.
KRAMER
What, she's been away?
JERRY
She's been in Mexico for six weeks.
KRAMER
No, I really think you're wrong. We
just went to the fireworks the other
day.
JERRY
That was July 4th!
(Kramer pauses to think.)
JERRY
Alright, I'm outta here, and when I
get back, I don't want to see you here
(points to kitchen), here (points to
living room), or here (makes similar
circle with his hands).
The coffee shop.)
ELAINE
It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling
through Mexico all on Peterman's peso.
JERRY
Wow. So did you get any good ideas for
the catalog?
ELAINE
Oh, tons!
JERRY
Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing
open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva
Zapata?
ELAINE
(laughs sarcastically) You don't respect
my work at all, do you?
JERRY
No, I don't.
ELAINE
So what's been going on around this
dump? How's your fiancee?
JERRY
My what?
ELAINE
Jeannie... your fiancee.
JERRY
Oh, yeah, that. Well...
ELAINE
All right. Spill it, Jerome.
JERRY
There's really not that much to tell.
(flashback sequence of Jerry and Jeannie at the coffee shop begins
as Jerry narrates.)
"About a month ago, we were here having lunch, when all of a
sudden we both just blurted out..."
JERRY & JEANNIE
(simultaneously) I hate you!
(They both chuckle over the coincidence.)
JEANNIE
See ya.
JERRY
See ya.
(Jeannie returns her ring to Jerry, who puts it in his pocket.)
"It was unprecendented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual
breakup in relationship history."
(flashback ends.)
JERRY
(continuing) No rejection, no guilt,
no remorse.
ELAINE
You've never felt remorse.
JERRY
I know, I feel bad about that...
ELAINE
I bet your parents were upset, huh?
JERRY
Eh.
ELAINE
You haven't told them yet, have you?
JERRY
No.
J. Peterman's office.)
DUGAN
"So I pressed through the rushes, there
below me, the shimmering waters of Lake
Victoria..."
J. PETERMAN
Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell
me what the product is.
DUGAN
It's a, uh, washcloth.
J. PETERMAN
No washcloths!
ELAINE
Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really
good idea for a hat. It combines the
spirit of old Mexico with a little big
city panache. I like to call it the
Urban Sombrero.
J. PETERMAN
(rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one
gargantuan monkey fist.
ELAINE
Are you okay, Mr. Peterman?
J. PETERMAN
Yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on.
ELAINE
Well, see, it's... businessmen taking
siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the
Urban Sombrero.
(Peterman walks out, groaning.)
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman?
The street.)
GEORGE
(inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry,
I'm feeling something. Something I haven't
felt in a long time.
JERRY
Pride?
GEORGE
No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.
JERRY
Well, you're your own boss now.
GEORGE
I wanna go to a tractor pull.
JERRY
Go ahead.
GEORGE
I am staying out all night!
JERRY
Who's stopping you?
GEORGE
I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese,
just bite into it like it's an apple.
JERRY
Whatever.
(Jerry sees someone he knows.)
JERRY
Oh God.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
It's Dolores.
GEORGE
Who?
JERRY
Mulva.
(Dolores notices Jerry.)
DOLORES
Jerry, hi.
JERRY
Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?
GEORGE
Dolores!
DOLORES
Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.
JERRY
Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work
out, though, Dolores.
DOLORES
Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should
get together sometime. See ya.
JERRY
See ya.
GEORGE
Bye, Dolores.
(Dolores walks away.)
GEORGE
I thought Mulva hated you.
JERRY
Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet
it was the engagement. I've shown I
can go all the way.
GEORGE
All the way?
JERRY
Not our "all the way", their "all the
way." I got the stink of responsibility
on me.
GEORGE
Yeah, and you were engaged for like
a minute, I was engaged for a year.
JERRY
You stink worse than I do!
GEORGE
I'm feeling something else here, Jerry!
J. Peterman's office.)
SECRETARY
Elaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone.
ELAINE
(answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman,
how are you feeling?
J. PETERMAN
Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out.
I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the
surface of the moon. I can run that
catalog no longer.
ELAINE
What? Well, who's gonna do it?
J. PETERMAN
What about you?
ELAINE
Me? Why me?
J. PETERMAN
Why, indeed.
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.
J. PETERMAN
I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.
ELAINE
Burma?
J. PETERMAN
You most likely know it as Myanmar,
but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne
chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You
there on the motorbike! Sell me one
of your melons! (runs after him)
(The phone is not hung up.)
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman?
Jerry's apartment.)
JERRY
Where?
ELAINE
Burma.
JERRY
Isn't it Myanmar now?
ELAINE
Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog!
It's crazy! I can't be in charge!
JERRY
No, certainly not.
ELAINE
I mean, I can't give people orders!
JERRY
No one's gonna listen to you.
ELAINE
I am not qualified to run the catalog!
JERRY
You're not qualified to work at the
catalog.
(Elaine groans in frustration as Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong?
ELAINE
Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now
he wants me to run the catalog.
KRAMER
Where?
JERRY
Myanmar.
KRAMER
The discount pharmacy?
ELAINE
Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I
can't run the catalog.
KRAMER
Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word
enter your vocabulary? What, is the
job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What,
you don't have enough experience? (Jerry
shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart
enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's
your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders)
Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story.
When I first studied karate...
ELAINE
Karate?
KRAMER
Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not
from him, not from Newman, no one. The
first time I sparred with an opponent,
I was terrified. My legs, they were
like noodles. But then I looked inside,
and I found my katra.
ELAINE
Katra?
KRAMER
Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being.
The part of you that says, "Yes, I can!"
JERRY
Sammy Davis had it.
KRAMER
So I listened to my katra and now (vreep)
I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.
ELAINE
Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman
run the company.
KRAMER
Sure you have.
ELAINE
I know how to do it. Pair of pants,
a stupid story, a huge markup. I can
do that.
KRAMER
You follow your katra, and you can do
anything. (leads her to the door) Now
get out of here.
ELAINE
(excitedly) Okay.
(Kramer slams the door behind her.)
KRAMER
That kid is gonna be all right.
JERRY
No, she's not.
(There's a knock at Jerry's door.)
JOEY
Come on, Kramer!
KRAMER
Hey there.
JOEY
Come on. Mom's down in the car.
KRAMER
Okay, Joey.
(Joey exits.)
JERRY
You guys both have class at the same
time?
KRAMER
No, we're in the same class.
JERRY
What do you mean you're in the same
class?
KRAMER
He almost beat me.
JERRY
Kramer, you're fighting children?!
KRAMER
We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
JERRY
He's nine years old! You don't need
karate, you can just wring his neck!
(Car horn honks.)
KRAMER
I got carpool. (exits)
Kramer's carpool.)
KRAMER
Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z.
JOEY
Hey, could we stop for ice cream on
the way home, mom?
MRS. ZANFINO
Mmm, I don't know...
(The kids begin pleading, so Kramer joins in.)
MRS. ZANFINO
All right.
KIDS & KRAMER
Yay!
J. Peterman's office. Elaine has called in all her new employees.)
DUGAN
*You're* taking the job?
ELAINE
You got that straight. Now I want four
new ideas from each of you by 6:00.
No, make that six ideas by 4:00. All
right, let's move, move, move, move,
move!
(As everyone rushes out, Elaine laughs, amazed at the new power
she now holds.)
Kramer's karate class.)
SENSEI
Are you prepared for kumite?
KRAMER & JOEY
Yes, sensei.
SENSEI
Fight stance.
(Kramer & Joey assume fight stance.)
SENSEI
Hydjama! Begin!
(Kramer then frantically makes several karate hand motions, intimidating
Joey. What follows is a montage of sequences featuring Kramer
challenging his class. He grabs an opponent by the foot and flips
him over; knocks one out with a simple karate chop to the head;
has another turned upside down being shaken violently; drags
another along the floor; and chases several at once.)
SENSEI
(raising Kramer's arm) Winner!
(The other kids bow their heads in disgrace.)
George's apartment, in a very cluttered state. George is walking
around in nothing but boxers, humming to himself while carrying
a soda and a block of cheese. There's a knock at his door.)
GEORGE
It's open!
(As George plops onto the sofa, the Rosses enter.)
GEORGE
(surprised) Rosses.
MRS. ROSS
Hello, George.
GEORGE
Well, uh... come in, come, come in.
(frantically clears the couch of newspapers
and crumbs)
MR. ROSS
We, uh, tried to call, but the line
was busy.
GEORGE
Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down.
Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit
jacket from the desk chair and puts
it on)
MRS. ROSS
We know the last three months have been
hard on you.
GEORGE
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard.
MR. ROSS
And they've been hard on us, too. It's
a terrible tragedy when parents outlive
their children.
GEORGE
Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long
before I do.
MR. ROSS
That's why we decided to create a foundation
to preserve Susan's memory.
GEORGE
Oh, that's wonderful.
Mr. Ross. And, of course, we want you to be an integral part.
GEORGE
Yes, inte-- h-how inte-- how integral?
MR. ROSS
You'll be on the board of directors.
GEORGE
(feigning excitement) Great, great.
O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just...
my duties with the Yankees...
MRS. ROSS
Don't worry, George. The foundation
will revolve around your schedule. Evenings,
weekends, whenever you have free time.
GEORGE
I can't believe this is happening.
MR. ROSS
Well, it wouldn't have without your
friend Jerry's inspirational words.
He said to us, "She's not really dead
if her shadow is..." Uh, w-what was
it, dear?
MRS. ROSS
Something about a way, a-and a light,
uh... ha. Who the hell knows?
MR. ROSS
Well, what's important is that your
relationship with Susan doesn't have
to end.
MRS. ROSS
So will you be sure to thank Jerry for
us?
GEORGE
(feigning happiness) The second I see
him.
The coffee shop. Jerry is having lunch when George walks in.)
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey. How's your day, good?
JERRY
Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here
in a few minutes.
GEORGE
So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh?
JERRY
Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?
GEORGE
What was that line again? Something
about finding your way in a shadow?
JERRY
No, no, no, it's... "She's not really
dead if we find a way to remember her."
GEORGE
That's it. That's the line... (squirts
mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs
it) ...that destroyed my life.
JERRY
(stares into coffee cup and looks back
at George) Problem?
GEORGE
The Rosses have started up a foundation,
Jerry, and I have to sit on the board
of directors.
JERRY
Hey, board of directors. Look at you!
GEORGE
Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear!
I was living the dream! I was stripped
to the waist, eating a block of cheese
the size of a car battery!
JERRY
Before we go any further, I'd just like
to point out how disturbing it is that
you equate eating a block of cheese
with some sort of bachelor paradise.
GEORGE
Don't you see? I'm back in.
JERRY
All because of Wrath of Khan?
GEORGE
Yes!
JERRY
Well, it was the best of those movies.
(The camera is over George's head and spins around repeatedly
as George screams.)
GEORGE
KHAN!
The foundation. George is staring intently at a painting of Susan
as Wyck walks in.)
WYCK
George.
(George doesn't respond.)
WYCK
George. (taps him on the shoulder)
GEORGE
(startled) Oh!
WYCK
I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan
Ross Foundation.
GEORGE
Wink.
WYCK
(correcting him) Wyck.
GEORGE
Wyck.
WYCK
Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable
monies.
GEORGE
Oh. I know they have some monies.
WYCK
They had more than some monies. Many,
many monies. And they planned to give
a sizable portion of their estate to
you and Susan after the wedding.
GEORGE
So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if
the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we--
WYCK
Yes.
GEORGE
And now?
WYCK
Not. It's all been endowed to the foundation,
even this townhouse.
GEORGE
This townhouse?
WYCK
This would have been your wedding gift.
GEORGE
And now?
WYCK
Not.
GEORGE
Not.
WYCK
Also endowed. George... I know how much
Susan meant to you. It can't be easy.
GEORGE
You know, it really can't.
The coffee shop.)
MULVA
So who broke it off?
JERRY
Well, that's the thing. It was completely
mutual.
MULVA
Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's
no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell
me the truth.
JERRY
I am. It was the world's first.
MULVA
You know, when I heard you got engaged,
I thought *maybe* you had matured. But
obviously there's no growth here. (exits)
JERRY
Well, I can't argue with that, but the
fact remains... I was completely...
(to himself, cursing her) Mulva!
Jerry's apartment. The phone is ringing as he's getting in.)
JERRY
(answering) Hello?
SECRETARY
Please hold for Elaine Benes.
JERRY
Oh, I don't believe this.
ELAINE
(picking up) Jerry!
JERRY
Hey!
ELAINE
Hey. Guess who just finished laying
out her first issue of the J. Peterman
Catalog.
JERRY
How's it look?
ELAINE
(muffled, as she's smoking a cigar)
It's a peach.
JERRY
Huh?
ELAINE
I say, it's a peach.
JERRY
Elaine, let me ask you something. When
I told you my breakup was mutual, did
you believe me?
ELAINE
No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna
buy it, and you shouldn't be selling
it.
JERRY
I gotta do some research here.
ELAINE
Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between
you and me, I always thought Kramer
was a bit of a doofus, but he believed
in me. *You* did not. So as I see it,
he's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus.
JERRY
Oh, I'm the doofus?
ELAINE
Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus.
JERRY
You know, it occurs to me that Kramer
is at karate right now.
ELAINE
Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there
and thank him in person.
JERRY
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Kramer's karate class. Kramer is beating his opponent, a little
girl. Elaine walks in, surprised.)
ELAINE
Kramer!
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
ELAINE
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating.
ELAINE
You never said you were fighting children.
KRAMER
Well, it's not the size of the opponent,
Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.
ELAINE
This is what you used to build me up?
This is where you got all that stupid
katra stuff?
KRAMER
No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III...
The Search for Spock.
ELAINE
Search... for Spock?!
KRAMER
Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that
The Wrath of Khan is the better picture,
but for me, I always...
ELAINE
(pushes him) You doofus!
(As Kramer is knocked down, there is amazed murmuring among his
peers.)
The coffee shop. Jerry is conducting some research.)
JERRY
Okay, question #8. What if I told you
my fiancee left me for another man?
Does that make me more likable, less
likable, as likable? Let's start over
here this time.
WAITRESS #1
More.
WAITRESS #2
Less.
RUTHIE
Same.
WILLIE
Are we about through here?
(Jerry crosses off something on his clipboard.)
A dark, foggy street. Kramer is walking with Joey.)
KRAMER
I thought you said your mom was meeting
us in the alley.
JOEY
She had a little change of plans.
(Children emerge from various places in the alley, to ambush
Kramer.)
KRAMER
What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara.
That was some kind of workout we had
tonight, huh?
GIRL
Now we finish it.
(Kramer tries to escape up the fire escape ladder, but the kids
drag him down.)
KRAMER
Aah! Aah! Mama!
Jerry's apartment.)
JERRY
(on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything
you caught in that pond out in front
of the condo.
(Elaine enters.)
JERRY
Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get
going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting
married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up)
(The phone rings again expectedly. Jerry hangs up without answering.)
JERRY
So... did you stop by the dojo?
ELAINE
Yep.
JERRY
How's your confidence level?
ELAINE
Shot.
JERRY
Self-esteem?
ELAINE
Gone.
JERRY
Doofus?
ELAINE
(raises her hand) Yo.
JERRY
All right, so what? You put out the
catalog. How bad could it be?
(Elaine takes out the Urban Sombrero and puts it on.)
JERRY
What is that?
ELAINE
It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on
the cover.
JERRY
Well, nobody sees the... cover.
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
God!
JERRY
What happened to you?
KRAMER
Whew! I got whooped. You should have
seen the rage in their little eyes.
And those tiny little fists of fury.
Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What
is that?
JERRY
It's the new cover of the J. Peterman
Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's
congratulate her.
KRAMER
Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof!
ELAINE
(pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer)
You! This is all your fault! You told
me I could run the company!
KRAMER
Well, then I was way off!
ELAINE
Well, I'll see ya... (exits)
JERRY
Vaya con dios.
KRAMER
(with his forehead in his hands) Man,
I gotta go lay down. You and George
going out a little later?
JERRY
No, he's still stuck at the foundation.
KRAMER
You know, you oughta go down there and
help him out. He's a widower.
JERRY
Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook
of his research)
The foundation.)
WYCK
Okay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48
acres... ooh. Southampton. That should
fetch a fair price.
GEORGE
Would I have had access to that?
WYCK
Of course, it would have been yours.
GEORGE
And now?
(Wyck turns to face him.)
GEORGE
(anticipating the answer) Not.
(phone rings. George eagerly answers it.)
GEORGE
Hello?
JERRY
Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research
down at the coffee shop. Your story's
the one.
GEORGE
My story?
JERRY
Yeah, your widower story's tested through
the roof. (various patrons give the
thumbs up in approval) When are you
getting out of there?
GEORGE
Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh,
almost done here?
WYCK
(chuckling) Oh, no, not even close.
GEORGE
(remorsefully) I can't go.
JERRY
What do you mean you can't go? There's
two really girls sitting at the counter
eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George!
Cheese!
(George hangs up.)
WYCK
Okay, next item. Susan's doll collection.
Estimated value: $2.6 million. What
do you say we go through this doll by
doll?
(George turns to the portrait of Susan in amazement.)
THE END
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