THE FUSILLI JERRY
Written by
Marjorie Gross
(Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment
building)
JERRY
I hear you're going out with David Putty.
ELAINE
Yeah. What, is it a problem?
JERRY
Well, I think he could've asked me.
Supposed to be a friend of mine.
ELAINE
Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't
care. It *has* been a few years.
JERRY
Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend
dates. You don't want it to be someone
you know, and you don't want it to be
someone better than you. Now, even though
the latter is *obviously* impossible.
ELAINE
Oh, god.
JERRY
The former still applies. I don't know
what it is, but I just can't see you
with a mechanic.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those
mechanics do is work all day with their
hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms
on machines, and then they come home
dripping with animal sexuality like
Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off
that is.
JERRY
All right.
(At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus)
GEORGE
Look at that. They got lobster on the
menu. Who would order a lobster here.
I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday
hoping *todays* the day.
ESTELLE
So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly
you're a shell-fish connoisseur.
GEORGE
You know, I think we really need to
be in front of a television set. You
take T.V. out of this relationship,
it is *just* torture.
ESTELLE
So, I'm getting an eye job.
GEORGE
An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye
job.
ESTELLE
Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
GEORGE
No, you're not a divorcee. You're just
separated. You're---you're a separatee.
ESTELLE
Well, I'm out there, George.
GEORGE
No, you're not out there.
ESTELLE
I am, too!
GEORGE
You're not out there! You can't be,
because *I* am out there. And if I see
*you* out there, there's not enough
voltage in this world to electroshock
me back into coherence!
ESTELLE
Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday
and I need you to drive me home because
I'll be all drugged up.
GEORGE
Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner
needs me to run---
ESTELLE
This is the only time the doctor *has*.
(Kramer walks by their table on his way out)
GEORGE
Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his
seat)
KRAMER
Hi, little buddy.
GEORGE
Come on over and sit down.
KRAMER
Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.
GEORGE
No, you're gonna sit down, you son of
a gun...
KRAMER
All right, I'm sitting down. How are
you? (Kisses Estelle on the
cheek)
ESTELLE
So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have
to look your best. You're
out
there now.
GEORGE
She's not out there!
KRAMER
So, who is your doctor?
ESTELLE
Uh, Bakersoll.
KRAMER
(whistles). He's good. He's *very* good.
He worked on this kid
from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.
GEORGE
Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?
KRAMER
Tuesday? Uh...
GEORGE
Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the
operation. He's got the car
with the bench seats that you like.
ESTELLE
Oh, I don't care.
KRAMER
Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody
anywhere until I go down to
the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.
GEORGE
Well, giddy-up!
(At the motor vehicle bureau...)
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates.
My name is Kramer. Cosmo
Kramer.
CLERK
Kramer.... (checks computer) All right...
KRAMER
All righty...
CLERK
Sign right here, please. (hands over
clipboard)
KRAMER
(signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him
a manila envelope). Thanks.
(opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to
me. I'm
not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
CLERK
What's your name again?
KRAMER
Cosmo Kramer.
CLERK
(checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer.
You *are* the Assman.
KRAMER
No! I'm not the Assman.
CLERK
Well, as far as the state of New York
is concerned, you are.
(Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the
new plates
attached)
(Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add.
David, who
apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the
other hand,
is looking somewhat, preoccupied)
DAVID
How do you feel?
ELAINE
Fine.
DAVID
Something the matter?
ELAINE
No.
DAVID
Then what is it?
ELAINE
No, nothing.
(Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine.
He joins her at
the booth)
JERRY
Hi.
ELAINE
I was with David *Putty* last night.
JERRY
Yeah, so.
ELAINE
He did the move.
JERRY
What move?
ELAINE
You know...*the* move.
JERRY
Wait a second. *My* move?
(Elaine nods).
JERRY
David Putty used *my* move?
ELAINE
Yes, yes.
JERRY
Are you sure?
ELAINE
Jerry! There is no confusing *that*
move with any other move.
JERRY
I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.
ELAINE
What else did you tell (reaches over
to slap Jerry) him. (does it
again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!
JERRY
Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even
mention you. You know, we
were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive
to sex
talk. It's a high-testosterone area.
ELAINE
Because of all the pistons and the lube
jobs?
JERRY
Well, I'm going down to that garage
and telling him to stop doing it.
ELAINE
Well, wait---wait a second.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Isn't that a little...rash?
JERRY
No! He stole my move!
ELAINE
Yeah, but...*I* like the move.
JERRY
Yeah, but it's like another comedian
stealing my material.
ELAINE
Well, he doesn't even do it exactly
the same. He--he--he uses a
pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!
JERRY
Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the
pinch. That's not new.
Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves
now. His
whole *repertoire* could be lifted.
ELAINE
You know, it's strange, because he's
such an honest mechanic.
JERRY
I know, he's probably the only honest
mechanic in New York.
(Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought
a candy bar
at the newsstand)
JERRY
...so he stole my move and he's using
it on Elaine.
GEORGE
You told David Putty your move and you
didn't tell *me*? I *need* a
move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar)
Gimme a
bite.
JERRY
Can I just get it opened first?
GEORGE
I can't believe you're hoarding sex
moves. I'm out there rubbing
two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.
JERRY
All right, all right. Here. (hands George
a piece of the candy
bar).
GEORGE
(takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's
very good.
JERRY
You feel better?
GEORGE
Yeah, much better. All right, so what's
the move, because I need
*something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her
nails during
love-making.
JERRY
Nancy Klopper?
GEORGE
Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm
working like a dog here.
Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's
sake. All
right, come on, let's have it.
JERRY
All right, George. I'm gonna tell you.
But I just wanna make sure,
before---
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault.
I'm putting it in the vault.
JERRY
It's not even a question of that. The
point is when something like
this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to
be used in a
*conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---
GEORGE
You're gonna tell me...or not.
JERRY
All right. On your bed. You got a headboard?
You'll need a
headboard.
GEORGE
I got a headboard.
JERRY
Is it padded?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Good. How tall is she?
GEORGE
Five-foot four. Why?
JERRY
You can't have more than a one-foot
differential in your heights.
Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.
GEORGE
I can't tell ya how much I appreciate
this.
JERRY
George, if you could master this, you'll
never be alone again.
Jerry and George have just walked in,
still
conversing on the same subject)
JERRY
Now, the ending is kind of an option.
I use the swirl. I like the
swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is
a great
capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.
GEORGE
Is it a clockwise swirl?
JERRY
I prefer clockwise, but it's not written
in stone.
(Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind).
KRAMER
Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).
JERRY
What is it?
KRAMER
*Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli
pasta. See the microphone?
JERRY
When did you do this?
KRAMER
In my spare time. (turns to George).
You know, I'm working on one
of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find
a pasta
that captures the individual.
JERRY
Oh... Why Fusilli?
KRAMER
Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands
the Fusilli to Jerry)
Yeah...
JERRY
Well, thank you very much.
GEORGE
So, did you get your new plates?
KRAMER
Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But
they mixed them up. Somebody
got mine and I got their *vanity* plates.
GEORGE
What do they say?
KRAMER
Assman.
JERRY
Assman?
KRAMER
Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer,
the Assman!
JERRY
Who would order a license plate that
says "Assman"?
GEORGE
Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
JERRY
It doesn't have to be someone who gets
a lot of women. It could be
just some guy with a big ass.
KRAMER
Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
JERRY
Yeah. Proctologist.
GEORGE
Come on! No doctor would put that on
his car.
KRAMER
Have you ever *met* a proctologist?
Well, they usually have a very
good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't
walk away.
*Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories
you've
ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck*
something
up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist
story ends in
THE SAME WAY
"It was a million to one shot, Doc.
Million to one."
(A phone rings in the distant)
KRAMER
Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves)
GEORGE
So, where you gonna stick this (points
to the Fusilli Jerry)
JERRY
I'll tell you where I'd like to stick
it.
(We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car.
Jerry walks in)
JERRY
Hey, David.
DAVID
Oh, hi, Jerry.
JERRY
Hey, what's the story? I hear you're
doing my move.
DAVID
What move?
JERRY
What move? *My* move. The one I told
you about. You used it on
Elaine.
DAVID
You're move? What, are you kidding?
I was doing that before I knew
you. All you told me about was the ending.
JERRY
The ending is the whole thing. Without
the ending, it's nothing.
You had *nothing*.
DAVID
Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I
would have figured it out
anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.
JERRY
Swirl.
DAVID
Whatever. I don't even do it.
JERRY
Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.
DAVID
Yeah, that's right.
JERRY
You can't come up with your own stuff
, so you *steal* other peoples?
You're nothing but a hack.
DAVID
Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get
back to work.
JERRY
Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you
know. If you wanna do it out
of town...okay. But not in the city.
DAVID
All right, how about the next time your
car breaks down, you take
*that* out of town.
JERRY
Fine.
DAVID
Good!
(While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making
a clanking
noise)
(We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the
covers.)
NANCY
Ow, George! (crawls out from beneath
the covers) What are you
doing?
GEORGE
(pops his head out of the covers, looking
a bit confused) Uh...you
know, uh...pleasuring you.
NANCY
Well, stop it!
GEORGE
You don't like the move?
NANCY
No. I don't.
GEORGE
You're kidding.
NANCY
No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking
at my body.
GEORGE
Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual
routine.
(Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...)
ELAINE
Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!
DAVID
No, I'm sorry.
ELAINE
What?!!
DAVID
I can't do the move.
ELAINE
What?
DAVID
Oh, he's ruined it for me.
ELAINE
Oh, oh, come on, please?
DAVID
No, he called me a hack. I'm just not
into doing it anymore.
ELAINE
Oh, so---so that's it?
DAVID
I'll come up with some new stuff.
(Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on
his windshield
and reads it...)
KRAMER
"Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six.
I think I have what
you're looking for." (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into
his car).
(Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office)
DR. BAKERSOLL
I must caution you about one thing.
You can't cry for at
least ten day. You can ruin the operation.
ESTELLE
Oh, okay.
DR. BAKERSOLL
Now, is someone coming to pick you up?
ESTELLE
Yes, my son's friend should be here
any minute.
(In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors
Only"
space)
SECURITY GUARD
Can I help you?
KRAMER
Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points
to plate) Proctology.
SECURITY GUARD
Oh, oh, okay. Sure...
KRAMER
Thanks. Have a good day.
(Kramer is driving Estelle home)
KRAMER
I just can't get over how fantastic
you look.
ESTELLE
Oh, really?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.
ESTELLE
And it was all done by laser. I don't
even need bandages.
(As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look
at the
Assman!" Kramer waves).
ESTELLE
Did he say "Assman"?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah.
ESTELLE
Oh my goodness.
"Hey, the Assman's in town!")
KRAMER
You got that straight!
ESTELLE
Boy. I never dreamed it could make such
a difference.
(Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he
sticks his arm
out in front of Estelle.)
(Back to Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
You must have done *something* wrong.
You probably screwed up the
order. Did you close with the swirl?
GEORGE
Supposed to close with the swirl?
JERRY
Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl.
There's a progression
there. I told you to write it down.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.
(Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it)
JERRY
Yeah?
BUZZER
Elaine.
JERRY
C'mon up. (turns to George) You know
what? Do me a favor. Don't
even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.
(The phone rings)
JERRY
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.
What? Twenty-eight hundred
dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do
anything.
I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.
GEORGE
What's to think about? If Putty says
it's what it is, it's what it
is. He's not gonna cheat you.
JERRY
Except that it's not Putty.
GEORGE
What happened to Putty?
JERRY
Eh, we had a little fight about the
move. I took her to this other
place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
GEORGE
Well, of course they're trying to screw
you. What do you think?
That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows.
"By the
way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod.
Yeah, well,
you better put one of those on."
(Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved)
JERRY
Hey, Elaine.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, hello.
JERRY
Is it something I said?
ELAINE
Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty
won't do the move anymore.
JERRY
Really?
ELAINE
Oh, he's come up with some other move.
You should see this thing.
JERRY
What is it?
ELAINE
Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy
stuff. You know what it's
like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.
JERRY
Huh.
ELAINE
I mean, this move is no good, Jerry.
It's just taking up a lot of
my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this
move on me,
when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing
nothing!
GEORGE
Let me ask you a question. This new
move. Is there a knuckle
involved in any way?
ELAINE
Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.
GEORGE
I think that's mine.
ELAINE
I'm not surprised.
JERRY
Listen. I need you to do me a favor.
When's the next time you're
gonna see him?
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
You gotta get an estimate on my car
from him. I think this garage is
trying to screw me.
ELAINE
An estimate? How am I supposed to do
that?
JERRY
Well, look. Here's the work order with
everything that broke. Just
kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine
the work
order)
ELAINE
(takes the work order and points to
the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the
table) What? What is this?
JERRY
That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.
ELAINE
Fusilli Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah. Kramer made it.
GEORGE
All right, listen, I'll see you guys
later.
(As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion)
JERRY
Hey, Assman!
KRAMER
Hey, well, this is Sally.
SALLY
Hello.
JERRY
Hi.
ELAINE
Hi.
KRAMER
Shall we go?
SALLY
Okay. (turns around and walks out with
an exaggerated swing of her
hips)
(Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face)
(Back at the Costanzas' house...)
ESTELLE
You can't face the fact that I'm improving
myself.
FRANK
You're not the only one improving yourself.
I worked out with a
dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.
ESTELLE
Just take your mail and go home. I have
things to do.
FRANK
I got things to do, too.
ESTELLE
Don't upset me! I can't cry!
FRANK
Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite,
huh?
ESTELLE
Well, it's already working. Kramer made
a pass at me.
FRANK
Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.
ESTELLE
I'm not crazy. He stopped short and
made a grab.
FRANK
He stopped short? That's my move. I'm
gonna kill him!
(Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing
what they do
best)
ELAINE
Hey, let me ask you a question.
DAVID
Sure.
ELAINE
What do you charge for blown shocks?
DAVID
What?
ELAINE
Two, three hundred?
DAVID
I don't know. Maybe five hundred.
ELAINE
Ah.
(They go back to kissing)
ELAINE
What about a bad gasket?
DAVID
Bad gasket?
ELAINE
Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.
DAVID
What is all this?
ELAINE
Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an
interest in what you...do.
DAVID
What kind of car is it?
ELAINE
Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.
DAVID
All together, that could run about sixteen
hundred.
ELAINE
Oh.
(Kiss again)
ELAINE
Is that with the parts and labor?
DAVID
Uh-huh.
ELAINE
Hmm.
(Kiss...again)
ELAINE
Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the
knuckle....
(Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased
with
himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly
surprised...)
NANCY
Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*.
GEORGE
It just came to me.
NANCY
I---I've never in my life have---have
I---. What was that?
GEORGE
You mean in the end?
NANCY
Uh-huh.
GEORGE
A counter-clockwise swirl.
(Spotting something on George's hand)
NANCY
What's that?
GEORGE
What?
NANCY
On---on your hand? Let me see what's
on your hand.
GEORGE
Nothing. I don't know...just a little
dirt.
NANCY
Give me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna
see what's on your hand.
(They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his
hand and tries
to make out the scribble)
NANCY
Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my
god! Crib notes? You've got
crib notes?!!
GEORGE
It's a very complicated move! I couldn't
remember it all.
NANCY
Oh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of
bed)
GEORGE
You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!
(Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks
inside the
back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He
checks out
the plates)
FRANK
Assman? I'll get him, Assman!
(Back to Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all?
*Ooh*, they are ripping me
off.
ELAINE
So what are you going to do?
JERRY
Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty.
No move is worth this.
ELAINE
Oh! You mean you don't care if he does
the move anymore?
JERRY
Are you kidding? He can do every move
I've ever done! Do you know
what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
(There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it)
JERRY
Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?
FRANK
Where's your friend Kramer?
JERRY
I don't know. Why?
FRANK
Because I'm looking for him. That's
why. He stopped short.
JERRY
What do you mean?
FRANK
In a car, with my wife. He stopped short.
You think I don't know
what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty
years
ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates)
Hmmph! I
stopped short.
JERRY
Really, stopping short. That's a good
move.
FRANK
You're not kidding it's a good move!
(Kramer walks in.)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey, Frank.
FRANK
Don't Frank me! I know what you did.
How dare you stop short with
my wife!
KRAMER
C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know
what you're talking about.
(Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry
to the floor)
FRANK
You think I don't know, Assman?!! To
think I almost split the
profits on the Manssierre with you.
KRAMER
Bro.
FRANK
Manssierre!
KRAMER
Bro!
FRANK
Manssierre! You...!
(Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and
falls right
on top of the Fusilli Jerry)
FRANK
Aah!!!
JERRY
Oh, my god!
(Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking
in at that
very moment)
(At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting
for the word
on
Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock)
JERRY
If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed
it.
ELAINE
Me either.
GEORGE
They say this guy's the best.
JERRY
He had to use cork-screw pasta.
(At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably
in their
seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the
wall. He spots
something...)
KRAMER
Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look
at this.
(Jerry joins him)
KRAMER
The name on the boat. Look at it.
JERRY
Assman!
KRAMER
Yeah (points towards the doctor's office),
he's the Assman! Jerry,
*he's* the Assman!
(The doctor walks in)
DOCTOR
Which one is the son?
GEORGE
(stands up) I am.
DOCTOR
Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want
you to know that this won't
take long. And he's going to be fine.
(Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.)
KRAMER
Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by
any chance recently get the
wrong license plates?
DR. COOPERMAN
Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor
vehicle bureau to
straighten it out.
KRAMER
So...you're the Assman.
(Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting)
FRANK
It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million
to one.
(Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking
in)
ESTELLE
Where have you been?!! You were supposed
to fix the stove! I've
been waiting for hours!
FRANK
I fell on some Fusilli.
ESTELLE
Fusilli?
FRANK
You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was
a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck
in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
ESTELLE
The proctologist? Are you okay?
FRANK
Yeah.
ESTELLE
Oh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple
of tissues from the box)
GEORGE
Ma, don't cry!
ESTELLE
Oh, I can't help it!
GEORGE
Ma, your eyes!
ESTELLE
Oh!
THE END
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