THE GYMNAST
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I've never been able to figure out why
they make these bizarre toilet seats
that they have. You know, like those
clear Lucite ones, with all the, the
coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to
our past president, by the way. It's
not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the
head, we gotta pull down our pants and
sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible
that you would buy a thing like this,
you install it on your toilet seat,
and this says what about you? "Well,
I can't afford to just throw money down
the toilet, but look how close I am!"
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing
you after that "Breakfast at Tiffany's"
thing.
GEORGE
I think she finds my stupidity charming.
JERRY
As we all do.
GEORGE
Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some
kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by
after.
JERRY
Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?
GEORGE
Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?",
zip out. She'll love me.
JERRY
You're good with the mothers.
GEORGE
Y'know, I'm better with the mothers
than I am with the daughters.
JERRY
Maybe you should date the mothers.
GEORGE
Well, if I could talk to the mothers
and have sex with the daughters, then
I'd really have something goin'.
JERRY
Oh, you got something goin'.
GEORGE
Yeah.
KRAMER
(enters apartment) Hey.
GEORGE
Hey! (heads toward bathroom)
KRAMER
Hey, you got a hammer?
JERRY
What do you need a hammer for?
KRAMER
Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art?
Computers generate 'em.
JERRY
Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it
over.
KRAMER
No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta
pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was
framing a bunch of stuff for him, so
she did me a favor. What, you wanna
take a ride?
JERRY
Nah, I don't think so.
KRAMER
(shouting to the bathroom door) George,
you wanna go for a ride?
GEORGE
(inside bathroom) Nah.
KRAMER
Oh, COME ON!
JERRY
Hey, could you wait until the man finishes?
KRAMER
All right, I've had it with you two.
(opens apartment door to leave)
JERRY
Hey, guess what? Remember that woman
you saw me with the other day? You know,
she used to be an Olympic gymnast?
KRAMER
A gymnast!
JERRY
Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver
at the '84 Olympics.
KRAMER
A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility.
Mmm, that sex'll melt your face.
JERRY
Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.
KRAMER
(shuts door) "Bailing"?
JERRY
Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always
a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance.
KRAMER
Jerry, you should pay that price.
JERRY
She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk
to her about, Ceausescu?
KRAMER
Ch- oo-... what?
GEORGE
(emerging from bathroom, buttoning his
shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it,
you didn't tell me she was a gymnast.
JERRY
(watching George buttoning his shirt)
What is this?
GEORGE
What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.
JERRY
(stares at George, incredulous) "Back
on"? What was it doing off?
GEORGE
I take it off when I go to the, uh,
y'know, to the "office".
JERRY
(laughing) What for?
GEORGE
Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances.
JERRY
Unbuttoned, or all the way off?
GEORGE
ALL the way, baby!
JERRY
Of course.
KRAMER
(convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.
JERRY
What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting
these attacks, you should see the doctor
and have it checked out.
KRAMER
(exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...
JERRY
(picks up newspaper, turns to George)
You always take the shirt off?
GEORGE
Always.
JERRY
Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like
going out in the jungle. I never know
what I'm going to find next, and I'm
real scared.
(Mr. Pitt's office)
MR. PITT
Elaine, I need you to proofread this
report for my meeting with the Poland
Creek Bottled Water people.
ELAINE
What meeting?
MR. PITT
I told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees
for Morgan Springs, and we're trying
to acquire Poland Creek.
ELAINE
Oh! (tries to take paper)
MR. PITT
(pulls away) Are you using a fountain
pen?
ELAINE
Yes?
MR. PITT
They smear! Under no circumstances is
ink to be used in this office.
ELAINE
All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.
(knock at door)
KRAMER
Elaine?
ELAINE
Come in, come in!
KRAMER
Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah,
huh?
ELAINE
Ah, right there, yeah.
KRAMER
(rips open package) Yeah, that's...
ELAINE
Kramer, it's...
KRAMER
(holds up framed picture): There she
blows! (throws paper around)
ELAINE
Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home?
I've got, I've got work to do, okay?
KRAMER
Oh, these are nice corners, huh?
MR. PITT
Elaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer)
Oh, this is very odd.
KRAMER
(looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D
art. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers.
MR. PITT
Yes, I've heard about these. How do
they work?
KRAMER
Well, you blur your eyes like you're
starin' straight through the picture.
And you keep your eyes unfocused. And
then... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture)
Oh, oh, oh, YEAH!
MR. PITT
I don't see it.
KRAMER
Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by
planets, asteroids...
MR. PITT
I still don't see it.
ELAINE
Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt
has got work to do.
KRAMER
Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the
boogeyman is comin' right at you.
MR. PITT
A spaceship, where?
KRAMER
(pointing) Right in here. Just keep
your eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain)
Waahh! Oh, mama!
ELAINE
Kramer, what's wrong?
KRAMER
Mama!
ELAINE
Kramer, Kramer, are you okay?
KRAMER
I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits)
Oh, mama!
MR. PITT
(still staring at picture) How long
does it usually take?
(Lindsay's mother's apartment)
(Lindsay's relatives are laughing, and George has apparently
been witty and charming)
MRS. ENRIGHT
Oh, George, it is so nice to finally
meet you. And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay
so long.
LINDSAY
Mother...
GEORGE
Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always
felt that the most important thing in
the world is spending time with family.
MRS. ENRIGHT
Oh? Are you and your family close?
GEORGE
(hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost
painfully close.
LINDSAY
Mother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt
Phyllis to the elevator. George, do
you mind waiting just one more minute?
GEORGE
Mind? Why would I mind? I would love
to wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana,
nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces
another guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis,
always a pleasure. What a pleasure!
Hey, let's do this again real soon.
I had fun, huh?
MRS. ENRIGHT
Can I offer you anything to eat?
GEORGE
Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help
you with these dishes, huh?
MRS. ENRIGHT
Oh no, George, you don't have to...
GEORGE
No, I know I don't have to, I want to.
MRS. ENRIGHT
George, you are such a gentleman.
GEORGE
I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright.
(exits) Here we go, all right.
(Kitchen)
(George opens trash bin, sees an éclair at the top with one bite
taken out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is
watching, he picks up the éclair and takes a bite just as Mrs.
Enright enters the kitchen.)
MRS. ENRIGHT
(wide-eyed) Oh...
GEORGE
(spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright!
Mrs. Enright!
(Mr. Pitt's office)
ELAINE
(pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's
a spaceship! That is so cool!
MR. PITT
Where is it?
ELAINE
(pointing) Right here.
MR. PITT
I'm looking there!
ELAINE
No, no, unfocus.
MR. PITT
I am unfocused!
(phone rings)
ELAINE
(answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay
fine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt)
Car's here to pick you up and take you
to the meeting.
MR. PITT
(still staring at picture) Meeting?
ELAINE
Yeah, the Poland Creek merger?
MR. PITT
Why don't you go for me?
ELAINE
How can I go?
MR. PITT
Oh, all they're gonna do is read the
report.
ELAINE
Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such
a good idea.
MR. PITT
Oh, DAMN this thing!
(Jerry's car)
JERRY
(trying desperately to make conversation)
So, Ceausescu. He must've been some
dictator.
KATYA
Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.
JERRY
He, uh, he must've been dictating first
thing in the morning. "I want a cup
of coffee and a muffin!"
KATYA
And you could not refuse.
JERRY
No, you'd have to be crazy.
KATYA
He was a very bad dictator.
JERRY
Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad.
(Monk's Diner)
JERRY
So lemme get this straight: you find
yourself in the kitchen. You see an
éclair, in the receptacle. And you think
to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just
eat some trash."
GEORGE
No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!
JERRY
Was it in the trash?
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Then it was trash.
GEORGE
It wasn't down in, it was sort of on
top.
JERRY
But it was in the cylinder!
GEORGE
Above the rim.
JERRY
Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.
GEORGE
It was on a magazine! And it still had
the doily on.
JERRY
Was it eaten?
GEORGE
One little bite.
JERRY
Well, that's garbage.
GEORGE
But I know who took the bite. It was
her aunt!
JERRY
Well, you, my friend, have crossed the
line that divides Man and Bum. You are
now a Bum.
(Kramer enters, walking awkwardly)
JERRY
Hey!
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
What's with you?
KRAMER
I got a stone.
JERRY
What stone?
KRAMER
A kidney stone.
JERRY
What is that, anyway?
KRAMER
It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion,
formed abnormally in the kidney. And
this jagged shard of calcium pushes
its way through the ureter into the
bladder. It's forced out through the
urine!
JERRY
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
(Poland Creek office)
ARONSON
Our shareholders have given basic approval
for the merger, including the stock
swap.
ELAINE
Ah. The "stock swap". Let's swap some
stock. (giggles)
BECK
And if you'll just give this to Mr.
Pitt, and tell him we expect to be in
full-scale production by the spring.
ELAINE
All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's
the name of the new company gonna be?
BECK
Moland Spring.
ELAINE
(making a face) "Moland"?
ARONSON
Yes, we combined Morgan and Poland.
ELAINE
Yeah, I know, but... "Moland"? I wouldn't
drink anything called "Moland".
ARONSON
But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.
ELAINE
Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean,
water's water. Right?
ARONSON
(to Beck) We've got to do something
about that name.
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside
him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the
garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering.
Like an angel. Of course I know your
aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen,
can I tell you something else? In my
family, we used to eat out of the garbage
all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It
was no big thing. That's right. Oh,
okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm
back in, she gave me a second chance.
JERRY
Good for you.
GEORGE
Yes, good for me!
JERRY
Y'know what you should do now? Get her
some flowers, smooth it out.
GEORGE
Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers,
I will go to the florist!
KRAMER
(enters apartment, holding up videotape)
Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad!
Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts
tape into VCR, sets up TV)
JERRY
Kramer, are you still on this? I've
seen gymnasts. I know what they do.
It's not going to make any difference.
KRAMER
Jerry, what is your problem?
JERRY
Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with
no conscience, don't know what it's
like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate
position of having to consider people's
feelings.
KRAMER
All right, Jerry--are you familiar with
the Kama Sutra?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Tantric yoga?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Jerry, you stand on the threshold to
the magical world of sensual delights
that most men dare not dream of!
JERRY
Boy, you can really talk some trash.
(to George) I guess that's better than
eating it.
KRAMER
All right, all right, why don't we just
watch the tape? (starts playback)
JERRY
All right.
GEORGE
Did you pass your stone yet?
KRAMER
Not yet. But the suspense is killing
me.
JERRY
(pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!
KRAMER
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine
grunts and sighs can be heard as they
watch the tape) Look at the height,
Jerry, the extension! Now watch the
tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into
a straddle, back into another handstand.
Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg
extension, good form! Now, here comes
the big dismount. Look at the rotation,
full in, double back, and she sticks
the landing! (gets up to leave as George
and Jerry continue to watch, mouths
agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the
tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that
as a yes.
(Jerry's car, night)
JERRY
(smiling and excited) Well, here we
are.
KATYA
Yes. We are here.
JERRY
How did you stay on that beam like that?
(holds up hand) I mean, it's only this
wide!
KATYA
I can balance myself in any position.
(Jerry swallows)
KATYA
It is amazing after years of training
how one can contort one's body. Of course,
it is only useful in gymnastics.
JERRY
Oh boy...
(Jerry's apartment, morning)
JERRY
I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I
thought I was entering a "magical world"
of sensual delights, but it was just
so ordinary. I mean, there was nothing
gymnastic about it.
ELAINE
Well, what did you think she was gonna
do?
JERRY
Well, you know. I mean... I dunno.
ELAINE
No, what?
JERRY
Well, obviously I prefer not to mention
any, you know...
ELAINE
What did you think, she was going to
take some of that chalk and...
JERRY
You see, now I really don't want to
get into this, any kind of specifics...
ELAINE
Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?
JERRY
Well... Frankly, I thought, you know,
I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus.
KRAMER
You mean like the uneven parallel bars?
JERRY
See, again, I really don't feel that...
ELAINE
The balance beam?
JERRY
Could we stop?
ELAINE
(gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel
horse?
JERRY
All right. Let's just drop it.
(Jerry and Elaine move to couch)
JERRY
So lemme ask you this: how long would
you say I have to put in now because
of, you know, last night.
ELAINE
I dunno, at least three weeks.
JERRY
(sarcastic) Oh, great.
ELAINE
Jerry, that is such small potatoes.
I think that I may have single-handedly
put the kibosh on the big water merger.
JERRY
Between Poland and Morgan?
ELAINE
Yeah. Started a big name controversy.
(Kramer shouts from off-screen)
JERRY
Kramer! The stone!
(Jerry and Elaine rush to Kramer's apartment, stand in doorway)
JERRY
What happened, did you pass the stone?
KRAMER
(Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse
hecht off my couch and I didn't make
it.
(City street)
GEORGE
(singing as he exits florist with bouquet
and a cup of coffee) "...tootsie, good-bye.
Too-too, tootsie..." (takes a drink,
makes a face, shouts back at shop) You
call this coffee? (dumps out coffee
behind him, accidentally hitting a parked
car's windshield)
MAN IN CAR
Hey! What the hell was that?!
GEORGE
I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I-
MAN IN CAR
Clean that up!
GEORGE
Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place
to set down flowers) Um, uh, could you
hold these? For just a second, just
a second. (grabs newspapers from trash
bin, begins wiping windshield) Here
you go, now don't worry about a thing.
It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look
at this shine.
MRS. ENRIGHT
(sees George cleaning car windshield,
looks appalled)
GEORGE
Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees
Lindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs
after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside
him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally
spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield.
Why would I do that? I have a job! Well,
did she see a squeegee? Well, you're
not going to make a dime without a squeegee.
That's right, that's right, just tell
your mother it was all a big misunderstanding.
You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see
you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)
JERRY
Strike two!
GEORGE
You think I'm going down?
JERRY
You're behind in the count.
GEORGE
I know.
KRAMER
(enters apartment, points at Jerry)
Hey, what are you doing later?
JERRY
I'm going out with Katya, thanks to
you.
KRAMER
Well, maybe you should try again. You
know what happens the first time: people
are a little shy, a little reticent.
JERRY
If I do it again, that extends my payment
book another two weeks.
KRAMER
All right, where you going?
JERRY
We're going to the circus. One of her
old Olympic teammates is an acrobat.
I don't even feel like going out.
KRAMER
Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.
JERRY
Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta
go, and spend time with this girl, then
you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!
KRAMER
No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the
circus, Jerry.
JERRY
Yeah, well you're going.
KRAMER
Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns!
(Mr. Pitt's office)
MR. PITT
(in polo outfit, complete with jacket
and high boots) I didn't send you over
there to complain about the name.
ELAINE
Well, I couldn't help it. "Moland Spring"?
MR. PITT
I like the name "Moland". I picked it
out. After all those months of negotiating!
ELAINE
Well, I'm so sorry! I-
MR. PITT
Well, I'm going riding. I haven't been
on Jenny for three days, all because
of this blasted painting. (phone rings)
Elaine?
ELAINE
Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello?
MR. PITT
(walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a
minute! Wait a minute. Ah!
(Circus, backstage)
(Clowns rush by Jerry and Kramer, Kramer flinches in fear)
KATYA
So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus?
JERRY
"Greatest Show on Earth"!
KATYA
My father used to take me to the circus.
When the elephants came by, he would
scream curses at them, blaming them
for all the ills of society.
JERRY
Well, they certainly take up a lot of
space.
(Katya's friend walks up)
KATYA
Ah, Misha!
MISHA
Katya!
KATYA
Misha, this is Jerry.
MISHA
Ah, yes. The "co-me-dian", eh? (speaks
in Romanian to Katya)
KATYA
(laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing
at Jerry)
(Mr. Pitt's office)
ELAINE
(on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him.
Yes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to
Pitt) Mr. Pitt!
MR. PITT
(staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm
on to something!
ELAINE
Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is
on the phone. They've called an emergency
meeting. They want you to be there to
discuss the merger!
MR. PITT
You said keep your eyes out of focus,
which is misleading. You want DEEP focus!
ELAINE
(on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah,
hold on just a second. Lemme just...
(reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got
it... (pulls out both hands completely
covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah,
yeah, he'll be there. (drops phone,
rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT
to stop staring at that poster!
MR. PITT
I see something that could be a spaceship.
Is it round? Is it pointy?
ELAINE
(grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't
see it, and you're never going to see
it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting
ink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you
have to meet with the shareholders,
you have to leave now. Do you hear me?
Do you hear me?!
MR. PITT
Hmm, what's happened to me? (straightens
lapels) When's the meeting?
ELAINE
In about twenty minutes.
MR. PITT
Oh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink
on his upper lip which now resembles
an "Adolph Hitler"-style moustache)
Do I have time to change?
ELAINE
Um, no.
MR. PITT
Well, excuse me, I'd better get straight
over there.
ELAINE
Uh, Mr. Pitt...
MR. PITT
Yes?
ELAINE
Um, there's a just... (points at her
own upper lip)
MR. PITT
(sees Elaine's hands covered in ink)
Is that ink?
ELAINE
No?
(Pitt exits)
(George's car)
GEORGE
Well, here we are.
LINDSAY
Do you want to come in? My mother's
having a little party.
GEORGE
Maybe I could just use the bathroom.
LINDSAY
Sure.
(Circus, back stage)
ANNOUNCER
(voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could
I direct your attention to the center
ring, where the incomparable Misha will
balance ten stories above the circus
floor on a wire no wider than a human
thumb.
MISHA
It is time.
JERRY
Well, break a leg.
(Misha gives Jerry a dark look)
JERRY
Eh, show biz...
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable
Misha!
(Misha exits)
JERRY
Boy, those capes are really coming back.
(Lindsay's mother's apartment)
PARTY GUEST
(exits bathroom, finds George waiting)
Oh, sorry I took so long. They've got
one of those 3-D art posters in there.
(wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing.
(George enters bathroom)
(Circus)
(Kramer repeatedly convulses in pain, spilling popcorn and food
everywhere, enters Men's room)
(Misha walks slowly across tightrope)
(Long scream bellows forth from Men's room, causing other occupant
to flee and Misha to wobble)
(Circus, back stage)
JERRY
What is that sound?
KATYA
(covering ears) It is horrible!
(Shots of various circus performers reacting to the reverberating
scream. Misha falls off the tightrope as audience gasps in horror)
(Lindsay's mother's apartment)
(George emerges from bathroom, shirtless and rubbing eyes)
GEORGE
Whew! Anybody see that poster in there?
That is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew!
(George looks around and sees all the party guests staring at
him, then realizes he's shirtless. Tries to act casual)
(Morgan Springs shareholder meeting)
(Mr. Pitt stands at a podium, and still has the small black "ink
moustache". He speaks harshly and with conviction, gesturing
emphatically.)
MR. PITT
I have been accused of wrong-doing.
But these false accusations will not
deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the
Spring, at any cost! AND... our stock
will rise HIGH! (raises hand)
(Circus, back stage)
KATYA
He'll be all right. I must go and be
with Misha now. I don't want you to
come with me.
JERRY
Oh, why not?
KATYA
It has been three days since our night
together. Misha said that was all the
time I needed to put in.
JERRY
Really?
KATYA
In my country, they speak of a man so
virile, so potent, that to spend a night
with such a man is to enter a world
of such sensual delights most women
dare not dream of. This man is known
as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes,
Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.
(walks off)
(Circus, Men's room)
(Kramer walks out, jubilant and whistling)
THE END
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