THE IMPLANT
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people
today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking
machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way
that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just
order it off the menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake,
crank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.'
Opening scene - Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health
Club. Jerry enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand.
SIDRA
Oh, hi Jerry.
JERRY
Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten
minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of
course there's someone stretching in
front of me in a leotard, then I can
go an hour.
SIDRA
Really.
JERRY
Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a
Stairmaster. You get up there and you
stare.
SIDRA
Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go
take a sauna.
JERRY
Alright, I'll see you Thursday night,
right?
SIDRA
Thursday night.
JERRY
Alright.
Elaine walks over to Jerry.
ELAINE
Good workout?
JERRY
Tremendous workout.
ELAINE
That's a pretty girl.
JERRY
Tremendous girl.
ELAINE
She's the one you went out with last
night?
JERRY
Yeah. I really like her.
ELAINE
You know, uh...they're fake.
JERRY
What? Don't say that!
ELAINE
Nah! They're fake!
JERRY
How do you know?
ELAINE
I can tell. You know how you're always
bragging how you can spot a lesbian?
JERRY
I'm not bragging, I happen to have a
very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks
by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.'
(Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to
confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.)
ELAINE
Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they
seem a bit too perfect?
JERRY
Yes, they do!
ELAINE
I never knew you were so into breasts.
I thought you were a leg man.
JERRY
A leg man? Why would I be a leg man?
I don't need legs. I have legs. Have
you ever seen her naked in the locker
room?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony.
Maybe if you had seen her naked.
ELAINE
I don't want to see her naked.
JERRY
Well, I do.
ELAINE
Well, that's your problem.
JERRY
Look, you made the allegation. The least
you could do is follow up.
ELAINE
Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna
go in there and spy on her in the sauna?
JERRY
Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative
journalism. I need to know!
ELAINE
But a few more dates and you can find
out for yourself!
JERRY
Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's
on his ninth date with Betsy, he still
hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
ELAINE
What's his problem?
JERRY
Well, every time he tries to make a
move, something screws up. Like on their
last date, they were on the couch, but
she was sitting on his wrong side.
ELAINE
Wrong side?
JERRY
Yeah, she was on his right side. He
can't make a move with his left hand.
Can't go left.
ELAINE
He can't go left.
JERRY
No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What
about women? Do they go left or right?
ELAINE
Nah, we just play defense.
New scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries
to make it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats
him to it.
GEORGE
Can I ask you a question? Would you
mind switching seats?
BETSY
Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit
here. I don't hear very well out of
this ear (points to her right ear) so,
I always try to sit to the right of
people.
GEORGE
I'll shout.
BETSY
Well, I really think I feel more comfortable
here.
GEORGE
C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically
rolls Betsy to the left side of the
couch.) See, now, is that so bad?
BETSY
What? (The phone rings.)
GEORGE
No, no, the machine'll get it...
BETSY
No, no, it's not on...
GEORGE
They'll call back.
BETSY
But George, what if it's an emergency?
GEORGE
In the whole world right now, there's
maybe three emergencies. Why would you
think, on this entire planet, that you're
one of those three?
BETSY
George, please. (Gets up and answers
the phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh
my god!
GEORGE
Alright, maybe four.
New scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra
and some other women. We hear her thoughts.
ELAINE'S BRAIN
Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat,
beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices
Sidra.) Look at her. I don't need to
see her naked to know those aren't real.
Why does she need to tie the towel around
her? She's got a rack on her chest.
(Sidra takes her towel off and lies
down.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel
off! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa,
doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew
it, they're definitely fake.
Cut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still
on the phone.
BETSY
So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice
was so ill, I guess it was really a
blessing. (George, on the couch behind
Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her
to get off the phone so he can continue
putting the moves on her. He shrugs,
and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly
home as soon as I can. (George waves
goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through
the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too.
Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George,
and he manufactures a completely phony
look of sorrow.)
New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
You're sure?
ELAINE
Positive! This chick's playin' with
confederate money.
JERRY
Well then, that's it. That's the end
of that.
ELAINE
What? Just 'cause of that?
JERRY
Just 'cause of that? It's like finding
out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!
ELAINE
Oh, come on! You've dated women with
nosejobs, what's the difference?
JERRY
You don't touch the nose! You don't
aspire to reach the nose. You don't
unhook anything to get to a nose, and
no man has ever tried to look up a woman's
nostril.
ELAINE
You've put a lot of thought into this,
haven't you?
JERRY
Well, I take it very seriously.
ELAINE
You know, sometimes when I think you're
the shallowest man I've ever met, you
somehow manage to drain a little more
out of the pool.
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what
fake breast feel like.
KRAMER
Well, I know what they feel like.
JERRY
You? How do you know?
KRAMER
Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three
months.
ELAINE
I thought you hated Los Angeles.
KRAMER
I do! I just miss the warm weather,
y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could
get away.
JERRY
Real busy now down at the office?
KRAMER
No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health
club? Salman Rushdie.
ELAINE
Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well,
I can see that - you got five millions
Moslems after you, you wanna stay in
pretty good shape.
New scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health
club.
GEORGE
I know what the problem is - I like
her too much. That's why I can't make
a move.
JERRY
You put her on a pedestal.
KRAMER
I put them on a dental chair.
JERRY
He puts 'em on a dental chair.
GEORGE
I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be
her boyfriend.
KRAMER
Whoo. It's like a sauna in here.
GEORGE
That's funny. You're a funny guy.
JERRY
Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that
before. (To George) So, you goin' to
the funeral?
GEORGE
Why, you think I should?
JERRY
What, are you kidding? It's a golden
opportunity to advance the relationship.
She's crying, you put your arm around
her and console her...you're the consolation
guy!
GEORGE
I'm the consolation guy...?
KRAMER
Consolation Guy is big.
JERRY
Her aunt dying is the best thing that
ever happened to you.
KRAMER
It's like ten dates in one shot.
JERRY
This confers upon you instant boyfriend
status. The family's there...you're
taking care of things...you're gettin'
the sandwiches...you're the rock!
GEORGE
It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive
flight.
KRAMER
Why don't you get a "death in the family"
fare?
GEORGE
What?
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
In fact, listen...I'll go down there
with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's
a death in my family, you buy the ticket,
I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus
miles and you'll get to Detroit for
a quarter of the price!
(George considers.)
New scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts.
ELAINE'S BRAIN
Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here.
Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads.
(Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.)
ELAINE'S BRAIN
Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley."
SIDRA
So anyway, we go out on one date, he
asks me out for a second, then out of
nowhere he cancels the date and says
he doesn't want to see me again.
ELAINE
Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
SIDRA
Oh, that's o.k.
ELAINE
Did he give you a reason?
SIDRA
Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
ELAINE
Really?
SIDRA
He said she's mentally ill. He's one
of those guys who is obsessed with neatness
and order? Everything has gotta be just
so. He would have made a great Nazi.
ELAINE
Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
SIDRA
Yes! How did you know?
ELAINE
Oh, I know the type.
SIDRA
So you can relate?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah.
SIDRA
You know, I've seen you around the club.
My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.
ELAINE
Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake
Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls
"right into them.")
Commercial break.
New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand,
then suddenly I lost my balance and
I fell right into her.
JERRY
You fell on her?
ELAINE
I touched 'em.
JERRY
You what?
ELAINE
I...touched...'em.
JERRY
You touched 'em?!
ELAINE
I needed them to help me break my fall!
If it hadn't been for them, I could
have really injured myself!
JERRY
Wow.
ELAINE
Anyway...they're real.
JERRY
Excuse me?!
ELAINE
I think they might be real.
JERRY
Oh, what do you know, you have no breast
touching experience.
ELAINE
I've touched mine!
JERRY
So have I.
ELAINE
Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles)
JERRY
Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't
make you an expert.
ELAINE
Alright, well anyway, I think they're
real. And if they are, I must say they
are...spectacular.
JERRY
Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts
his head down on the counter.)
New scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter.
Kramer is pretending to be grief-stricken.
GEORGE
You see, my friend here, his aunt passed
away last night.
CLERK
Oh, I'm very sorry.
KRAMER
I saw her last week, she looked healthy
and peaceful, but...she knew...
CLERK
You poor thing!
KRAMER
I...I...
GEORGE
You don't think you can buy the ticket
yourself...? No, there, there...you
sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for
you.
CLERK
You're a good friend.
CLERK
Yes, all you have to do is pay the full
fare now, then return to any one of
our counters with a copy of the death
certificate, and we'll refund half your
fare.
GEORGE
The death certificate?
CLERK
Yes, yes, we do need documentation or
you know, people could take advantage.
GEORGE
What kind of a sick person would do
a thing like that?
CLERK
I know! But it happens.
GEORGE
You want my friend to ask his uncle,
a man who just lost his wife of 44 years,
for a death certificate so that he can
save a few bucks on a flight?
CLERK
That would be $387 round-trip.
KRAMER
Alright, so you'll need my frequent
flyer number, huh?
CLERK
Yes.
Cut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
I don't know, one minute you say they're
fake, the next minute you think they're
real...I don't know what to believe!
ELAINE
Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only
one who's touched 'em.
JERRY
But you were just grabbing on to them
to save your life. If you were drowning
and I threw you a life preserver, you
think you could tell me if it was an
inflatable?
ELAINE
I wouldn't have said anything if I knew
you were going to stop seeing her!
JERRY
Well, I don't mind someone with a phony
personality, but I gotta draw the line
somewhere.
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Hey!
JERRY
Hey. George off to Detroit?
KRAMER
Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto
Rico.
ELAINE
Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy
at the health club...that is not Salman
Rushdie.
KRAMER
Pffft - wrong.
New scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see "Salman
Rushdie" talking to Sidra.
JERRY
There's Sidra.
KRAMER
There's Salman.
JERRY
Where?
KRAMER
Talkin' to that woman.
JERRY
Talkin' to Sidra?
KRAMER
If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.
JERRY
I don't think that's Salman.
KRAMER
Well, I don't think they're real.
JERRY
If that's Rushdie, they're real.
KRAMER
If they're real, that's Rushdie.
JERRY
Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to
Sidra.
KRAMER
I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.
New scene - Kramer and "Salman" sitting in the sauna together.
KRAMER
It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel
like I'm...back at the desert.
"SALMAN"
You've lived in the desert?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent
a little time in the Mideast. You ever
been to the Mideast?
"SALMAN"
Yes, I've been there.
KRAMER
My name's Kramer.
"SALMAN"
Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
KRAMER
So, uh...what kind of work do you do?
"SALMAN"
I'm a writer.
New scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit.
BETSY
Have you met my boyfriend George?
AUNT MAY
No! (shakes George's hand.)
BETSY
George, this is Aunt May, and Father
Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy.
(Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend,
George.
AUNT MAY
Oh George, how nice of you to come all
this way.
GEORGE
Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise,
what's the point of being the boyfriend?
This is where you have to be when you're
the boyfriend.
AUNT MAY
Betsy, dear, have you had anything to
eat?
BETSY
I'm not very hungry.
AUNT MAY
They have some very nice snacks.
FATHER JESSUP
I'm about to get myself a snack.
(Betsy starts to go for a snack.)
GEORGE
Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I
will get you a nice snack.
(George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.)
FATHER JESSUP
This is my third wake this month. It
never gets any easier.
GEORGE
Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean,
forget about it. (Starts wolfing down
the sandwiches.)
FATHER JESSUP
You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy,
we're very appreciative.
GEORGE
Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father,
can I ask you a question? In a terrible
time like this...who would I get the
death certificate from?
New scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after
returning from the health club.
KRAMER
C'mon Jerry!
JERRY
Oh, how can you be so sure?
KRAMER
Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer.
He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass,
Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with
bass! He just substituted one fish for
another!
JERRY
Look, you idiot, first of all, it's
Salman, not salmon!
KRAMER
Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big
picture!
JERRY
Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I
gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over
in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...
KRAMER
What, did you ask her?
JERRY
I'm gonna find out tonight.
KRAMER
Oh, yes indeed...
Cut back to George at the wake in Detroit.
DR. ALLENWOOD
Why do you need a death certificate?
GEORGE
Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping
to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary
- scrapbook of her life. Something that
Betsy could have, and hold onto.
DR. ALLENWOOD
Well, I suppose I could make a copy
of it.
GEORGE
Oh, that would be wonderful.
DR. ALLENWOOD
It was very nice meeting you, George.
GEORGE
Likewise.
(George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from
across the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes
a bite, and then dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.)
TIMMY
What are you doing?
GEORGE
What?
TIMMY
Did...did you just double-dip that chip?
GEORGE
Excuse me?
TIMMY
You double-dipped the chip!
GEORGE
"Double-dipped"? What are you talking
about?
TIMMY
You dipped the chip. You took a bite.
(points at the dip) And you dipped again.
GEORGE
So...?
TIMMY
That's like putting your whole mouth
right in the dip! From now on, when
you take a chip - just take one dip
and end it!
GEORGE
Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't
dip that way. (takes a chip.)
TIMMY
Oh, you don't, huh?
GEORGE
No. (dips the chip) You dip the way
you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll
dip the way I want to dip. (dips the
chip again.)
TIMMY
Gimme the chip! (Grabs George and the
chip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They
struggle in front of the snack table.)
New scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment.
SIDRA
I don't know what I'm doing here, I
must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and
sits on the left side. Jerry tries to
run over and beat her to it, but doesn't
make it. He sits down on the right side.)
JERRY
Hey, would you mind switching seats?
SIDRA
Why?
JERRY
Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting
to the left of people, makes me feel
like I'm driving.
SIDRA
O.K....(they switch places.)
JERRY
How ya doin'?
SIDRA
Good. How you doin'?
JERRY
Good, feel good...you know that Jayne
Mansfield had some big breasts. Really
big, huge...just coming out the top
of her dress, they were like, chokin'
her.
SIDRA
I hear that's how she died.
JERRY
Have you noticed that women today are,
you know, they seem...bigger.
SIDRA
Well, a lot of women are having them
done.
JERRY
Really?
SIDRA
Yeah.
JERRY
How do you like that.
SIDRA
A lot of people ask me if I've had mine
done.
JERRY
Aw, you know people.
SIDRA
It gets a little tiring, it's really
none of their business.
JERRY
Oh, the nerve. You know, some people
have asked me if you've uh, done that.
SIDRA
What do you tell them?
JERRY
Whatever you want me to tell them.
SIDRA
Well, I think you'll find out soon enough.
(They prepare to kiss. There's a loud
bang on the door.) Aren't you going
to get that?
JERRY
No.
SIDRA
What if it's an emergency?
JERRY
Oh, there's no emergency...
KRAMER
Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!
JERRY
Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the
door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!
KRAMER
Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto
Rico, I need to borrow your bathing
suit.
JERRY
This is an emergency? You need a bathing
suit?
KRAMER
Well, I like yours.
JERRY
I don't know, my bathing suit? That's
a little familiar, I don't want your...your
boys down there.
KRAMER
C'mon, what's wrong with my boys?
JERRY
Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
KRAMER
Alright, c'mon!
JERRY
Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry
up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine
enters.)
ELAINE
Hi, Jer.
JERRY
Oh, hi, Elaine.
ELAINE
Oh...hi, Sidra -
SIDRA
Hi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into
the living room.)
JERRY
What are you doing here?
ELAINE
I'm looking for Kramer.
KRAMER
Yeah, she was just showing me pictures
of places I can visit when I go to Puerto
Rico...you know, when you two went down
there?
JERRY
Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and
Elaine out the door, then sits next
to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were
we?
SIDRA
I was just leaving.
JERRY
Right, you were leaving.
SIDRA
I can't believe you sent a woman into
the sauna to do that.
JERRY
That was an accident!
SIDRA
I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves,
then opens the door again.) And by the
way...they're real, and they're spectacular.
(Sidra leaves.)
Cut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit.
We hear the commotion of George and Timmy fighting.
BETSY
Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I
never want to see you again!
DR. ALLENWOOD
Go back to New York! Get out!
New scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking
to Clerk no. 2.
CLERK 2
Alright sir, now all I need is a death
certificate and you'll be on your way.
GEORGE
Well, you see, what happened was...the
doctor - the very same doctor that was
attending to my late aunt - suffered
an untimely stroke, and lost the use
of his right hand, so...obviously I
was unable to get the death certificate.
However, I do have this. (Reaches inside
his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.)
CLERK 2
What's this?
GEORGE
That's a picture of me next to the coffin.
(We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.)
CLERK 2
Nice try.
GEORGE
Not even close, huh?
THE END
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