THE JUNIOR MINT
Written by
Andy Robin
(Comedy club)
JERRY
You can't just *have* an adultery--
you *commit* adultery. And you
can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.
So you have to make the commitment before you can even think
about
committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once
you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get
caught,
get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But
y'know
some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating
with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning
to the robber next to you and goin' "Alright, gimme everything
you
have, too".
GEORGE
You met her at the supermarket? How
did you do that?
JERRY
Produce section. *Very* provocative
area. A lot of melons and
shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
GEORGE
So when're you gonna see her?
JERRY
Tonight.
GEORGE
What's her name?
JERRY
I... don't... know...
GEORGE
How could you not know her name?
JERRY
I was a little nervous, I got distracted.
It has something to do
with a car, or a fish...
JERRY
Look at that. Why do I get bananas?
They're good for *one* day...
GEORGE
Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got
a letter today from the
State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public
school
back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the
Lincoln Savings Bank.
JERRY
Yeah, I did that too.
GEORGE
You remember the, the little bank book,
there?
JERRY
Sure.
GEORGE
Alright, so I haven't put anything in
it since sixth grade, I
completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks
me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900
dollars! They're sending me a cheque!
JERRY
Wow!
GEORGE
Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing.
You make money without
doing anything...
JERRY
Y'know I have friends who try to base
their whole life on that
principle.
GEORGE
Really? Who?
JERRY
Nobody you know...
GEORGE
Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put
it all on a horse...
JERRY
Why don't you put it in the *bank*?
GEORGE
The *bank*? This is *found* money. I
want to *parlay* it. I wanna
make a big score!
JERRY
*Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...
GEORGE
What's with the gloves?
KRAMER
Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know,
I don't want to get my
hands dirty...
GEORGE
What, the whole apartment?
KRAMER
The whole apartment. And I'm buying
that fake wood wallpaper. I'm
gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin.
'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry (Snaps fingers)...
Wood.
JERRY
What, you rented "Home Alone"?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
I thought you saw that already...
GEORGE
No, I saw "Home Alone II".
JERRY
Oh, right... But you *hated* it!
GEORGE
Well I was lost, I never saw the first
one. By the way, do you
mind if I watch it here?
JERRY
What for?
JERRY
Because if I watch it at my apartment
I feel like I'm not doing
anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing
something.
KRAMER
I can't work with these!
JERRY
What's wrong?
KRAMER
Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves.
There's no *fine touch*...
JERRY
You said "gloves"...
KRAMER
No, no, these are too thick.
KRAMER
Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?
GEORGE
Yeah. The *original*.
ELAINE
Hey Boys-O!
ELAINE
Remember Roy, the artist?
JERRY
Right, the "triangle" guy.
ELAINE
Exactly, the "triangle" guy.
JERRY
Yeah, you liked him. What happened with
him?
ELAINE
Yeah I did. He was very talented. He
was just a little too...
JERRY
Artsy?
ELAINE
Fat.
JERRY
Oh.
ELAINE
He was a fat, starving artist, y'know.
That's very rare. Anyway,
he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should
go
visit him.
ELAINE
Listen, Jerry can you do me a favour?
Could you go into the room
with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm,
y'know... interested.
JERRY
Oh, you want me to pretend to be your
boyfriend.
ELAINE
Well...
JERRY
Well I think I can do that. I believe
I've played that role before
to some critical acclaim.
ELAINE
What's with him?
JERRY
Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
ELAINE
Roy!
ROY
*Elaine*! What a *surprise*.
ELAINE
Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you!
You look so...
ROY
I've lost some weight...
ELAINE
A *lot* of weight.
ROY
I know.
ELAINE
You look ter*rific*.
ROY
Thank you. So do you.
ELAINE
This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.
ROY
Thank you.
JERRY
Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend.
WOMAN
Waaaaaaaaa!
KRAMER
Ah, the mother lode!
ELAINE
I can't believe it! You were *huge*!
Like blubber! I couldn't
even get my arms around you...
ROY
Yes, I remember.
ELAINE
Well that's the positive thing about
getting sick, you get to lose
weight.
ROY
Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was
you.
ROY
After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated.
I couldn't eat for
weeks.
ELAINE
*Get* *out*!
ROY
Really, it's the truth.
ELAINE
Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't
eat for weeks...
JERRY
That's terrible...
ELAINE
I had no idea I had that kind of effect
on you.
ROY
You did.
JERRY
You know I can't get this damn thing
to sleep...
ELAINE
Now listen, tell me something. When
are you gettin out of here?
ROY
Next Thursday.
ELAINE
Okay, I'll tell you what. How about
on Friday I take you out for
a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...
JERRY
Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos
next Friday?
ELAINE
No that's the week after.
JERRY
No, I believe it's next week.
ELAINE
You're wrong.
JERRY
No I'm not...
ELAINE
Shut up...
KRAMER
Pay dirt!
ELAINE
Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of
our friends.
ROY
How do you do?
KRAMER
I do great.
DOCTOR
Hi Roy.
ROY
Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.
JERRY
Hey Doc, check this out. (does an around-the-world)
I *just*
learned that.
DOCTOR
I just wanted to stop by to see if you
had any questions about
tomorrow's operation.
KRAMER
Yeah, I have a question. What do you
know about inter-abdominal
retractors?
DOCTOR
Are you asking because you saw "20/20"
last night?
KRAMER
I sure am.
DOCTOR
Well that report was about *one* very
specific type of retractor
and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor
in
your friend's procedure.
KRAMER
But you *will* use... a retractor.
DOCTOR
We have to...
KRAMER
Mmm-hmm...
DOCTOR
Tell you what. You're obviously concerned
about your friend's
welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's
operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch
it
with them?
KRAMER
I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
JERRY
I dunno...
KRAMER
Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the
operation. They're gonna cut
him open. His guts'll be all over the place...
JERRY
Yeah, that's true...
KRAMER
...They'll saw through bone. (makes
saw noises while gesturing over
Roy's chest) You'll see what's *inside* bone...
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
Hi...
JERRY
What are doing, you crying??
GEORGE
No...
JERRY
You crying from "Home Alone"??
GEORGE
The old man got to me.
JERRY
Alright, just get yourself together...
I dunno if I can be friends
with you anymore after this display
GEORGE
Shut up! What are you doing back so
soon, anyway?
JERRY
Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer
got the gloves and wanted
to get home and start working on his floor.
GEORGE
How's the guy?
JERRY
Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine
are getting pretty chummy.
Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.
GEORGE
That's nerve...
JERRY
Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can
go out to fancy restaurants.
GEORGE
Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale
Syndrome". He falls
ill; she falls in love.
JERRY
You mean Florence Nightingale.
GEORGE
What'd I say? Clara?
JERRY
Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.
GEORGE
Clara Barton? What did she do?
JERRY
I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.
GEORGE
Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a
problem with.
JERRY
Yeah, I think you would.
GEORGE
So, you gonna buy his art?
JERRY
No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1
900 dollars.
GEORGE
Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles.
Alright, I'm outta here.
Have fun with what's-her-name.
JERRY
I will.
GEORGE
Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name.
It's so embarrassing.
JERRY
No, it isn't. I can find out.
GEORGE
Yeah? How?
JERRY
There are ways.
JERRY
Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin
up, kids would make fun
of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry",
"Seinsmelled"...
WOMAN
"Seinsmelled"?
JERRY
Yeah. What about you? Did people make
fun of your name?
WOMAN
Are you kidding? They were merciless!
What do you expect when your
name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not
everybody can be as sweet as you are.
WOMAN
Oh, Jerry...
JERRY
Oh... *you*...
GEORGE
Now let's try "breast"... Celeste...
Kest...
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Rest... Sest... Hest...
JERRY
"Hest"? That's not a name.
GEORGE
What, you should've just asked her.
JERRY
I know, I should've asked her.
GEORGE
What're you gonna do now?
JERRY
I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already
made out with her. Once
you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.
GEORGE
Aretha!
JERRY
No...
GEORGE
Bovary!
JERRY
Alright, that's enough.
GEORGE
Alright, well you know what you gotta
do, you gotta go through her
purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license...
JERRY
How am I gonna do that?
GEORGE
When she goes to the bathroom.
KRAMER
Ah, there you are. My date stood me
up. Listen, will you guys
go to the operation with me?
JERRY
You asked a date to go to the operation?
KRAMER
Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?
GEORGE
What kind of operation is it?
KRAMER
Spleenectomy.
GEORGE
Isn't that where they remove the--
KRAMER
Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen
it yet!
KRAMER
C'mon, what d'you say?
GEORGE
Mulva!
JERRY
Mulva?
KRAMER
C'mon, do you wanna go?
JERRY
Alright, alright. Just let me finish
my coffee... then we'll go
watch them slice this fat bastard up.
DOCTOR
Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity,
exposing the body's internal
organs. Nurse-- retractor.
JERRY
What are you eating?
KRAMER
Junior Mints. Do you want one?
JERRY
No...
KRAMER
I can't see... Psst....
JERRY
Where'd you get those?
KRAMER
The machine. You want one? Here, take
one.
JERRY
I don't want any!
KRAMER
No, they're good!
JERRY
I don't want any!
KRAMER
Just take one.
JERRY
No! Kramer, stop it!
30)
JERRY
...Over the balcony, bounced off some
respirator thing *into* the
patient!
GEORGE
What do you mean "into the patient"?
JERRY
Into the patient, *literally*!
GEORGE
Into the hole?
JERRY
Yes, the hole!
GEORGE
Didn't they notice it?
JERRY
No!
GEORGE
How could they not notice it?!?
JERRY
Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior*
Mint.
GEORGE
What did they do?
JERRY
They sealed him up with the mint inside.
GEORGE
They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
JERRY
Yes!
GEORGE
I guess it can't hurt him... People
eat *pounds* of those things.
JERRY
They *eat* them, they don't put them
next to vital organs in their
abdominal cavity!
KRAMER
Hey, this wallpaper is *very* good.
My place looks like a ski
lodge!
JERRY
Why did you force that mint on me? I
didn't want the mint!
KRAMER
Well, I didn't believe you.
JERRY
How could you not believe me?!?
KRAMER
Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint?
It's chocolate, it's
peppermint-- it's *delicious*!
JERRY
That's true.
KRAMER
It's very refreshing!
JERRY
Well, just don't say anything about
this to Elaine...
ELAINE
Prognosis... negative.
JERRY
Prognosis *negative*!?
ELAINE
He's not doing well, the doctors don't
know what it is. They're
baffled.
J+K
Oh, my God...
ELAINE
Just my luck, y'know... just when he's
getting thin and attractive.
Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really
lift his spirits.
GEORGE
It's that bleak?
ELAINE
Mmm...
GEORGE
Y'know if the guy dies, the art could
really be worth something...
JERRY
We gotta confess.
KRAMER
Really?
JERRY
Yes!
KRAMER
We could be tried for murder...
JERRY
I can't have this on my conscience.
We're like Leopold and Loeb!
KRAMER
You're not gonna say anything, you got
that?
JERRY
I'm telling and you can't stop me!
KRAMER
You're *not*!!!
GEORGE
Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of
that art. 1 900 dollars worth.
JERRY
Oh yeah, that's the spot...
WOMAN
What're you so tense about?
JERRY
Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide.
(She finds the right spot
on his back) Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
WOMAN
What?
JERRY
Mulva?
WOMAN
Mulva?
JERRY
My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.
WOMAN
I'm going to the bathroom. Be right
back.
JERRY
Oh, good idea...
WOMAN
What are you doing?
JERRY
Oh, I was just looking for some... gum
or... mint.
WOMAN
Oh, I have Junior Mints.
JERRY
No! (throws her purse back at her) No,
I mean, no thank you...
KRAMER
Any news?
JERRY
(whispering) No, you better get out
of here. No, wait a second...
Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the
bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then
she'll be forced to say her name.
KRAMER
10-4.
WOMAN
Oh, hello.
KRAMER
Hello, I'm Kramer.
WOMAN
Nice to meet you.
KRAMER
See you later. (He leaves)
WOMAN
Well, I better get going. I don't want
to be late for the play.
Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage
and meet Olympia Dukakis.
JERRY
Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
WOMAN
Oh, hi.
GEORGE
Hi, I'm George.
WOMAN
Nice to meet you, George.
GEORGE
I gave it a shot... So, any word on
the "artiste"?
JERRY
No, I haven't heard anything.
GEORGE
Well, I got my triangles.
JERRY
Really...
GEORGE
Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the
apartment.
JERRY
Yeah, I'm sure...
JERRY
Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta
tell 'em what happened.
GEORGE
No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
You could get in trouble.
JERRY
Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
GEORGE
Who are you to play God!? Every man's
time comes! If his number
is up, who are you to interfere!?
JERRY
Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel...
it's about Roy Kordic's
condition...
GEORGE
What? What?
JERRY
Oh, thats *fantastic*!
GEORGE
He didn't get better, did he?
JERRY
Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna
be okay!
GEORGE
Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1
900 dollars down the drain.
ROY
You saved my life, George. You buying
my art is what inspired me
to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me.
GEORGE
Oh, that's great. That's great.
KRAMER
Y'know, art is a great investment.
ELAINE
It's gonna look great in your apartment,
George.
GEORGE
Yes I look forward to many years of
looking at the triangles.
Well, I'll wait for you outside.
ROY
Hey, George... (kiss)
DOCTOR
Y'know I don't want to totally discount
the emotional element in
your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.
JERRY
What do you mean?
DOCTOR
I have no medical evidence to back me
up, but something happened
during the operation that staved off that infection. Something
beyond science. Something perhaps from above...
KRAMER
Mint?
DOCTOR
Those can be very refreshing.
ROY
So Elaine... Where are we going for
our big dinner on Friday?
ELAINE
I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're
going to the Poconos on
Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend))
JERRY
I don't think so...
ELAINE
We are...
JERRY
I believe we're not...
ELAINE
(Catching another glimpse of Roy eating)
Please can we go to
the Poconos?
JERRY
Well, I'll think about it...
WOMAN
Great seats. You could see the actors
spitting.
JERRY
Really...
WOMAN
And afterwards we went backstage and
Olympia Dukakis autographed my
playbill.
JERRY
Oh, what're you saying, you got her
autograph?
WOMAN
Yeah.
JERRY
Do you have it with you?
WOMAN
Yeah, it's in my purse.
JERRY
Let me see.
WOMAN
Y'know I really think I'm falling for
you, Jerry Seinfeld.
WOMAN
Oh, well, I really think I'm falling
for you... (reads autograph)
...Joseph Puglia...
WOMAN
I had it autographed for my uncle.
JERRY
Yeah, I know...
WOMAN
You don't know my name, do you?
JERRY
Yes I do.
WOMAN
What is it?
JERRY
It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.
WOMAN
What is it?
JERRY
Mulva...
JERRY
Gipple?
JERRY
Loleola?
JERRY
Oh! Oh! *Delores*!
15)
JERRY
Ages zero through ten, candy is your
life. There's nothing else.
Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of
getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that
you
love. "I love those... I hate those...". "I hate those... I
love those...". And only a seven year old kid can taste the
difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally
different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red
is
more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower
flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really".
THE END
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