THE JUNK MAIL
Written by
Spike Feresten
JERRY, ON THE PHONE
Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.
Chinese food!
GEORGE
Who was it?
JERRY
I did a show for a car dealership and
they're getting me a new SAAB.
GEORGE
What about your old car? They couldn't
get Kramer's blood out of it?
JERRY
No, the engine clotted. You know who
set this whole thing up for me?
Frank Merman.
GEORGE
Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked
that guy.
JERRY
Why? He's harmless.
GEORGE
Every summer you guys went to camp together.
I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.
JERRY
He was not the summer you. Besides,
you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk,
the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.
GEORGE
I made him up.
JERRY
So you never saw Last Tango in Paris?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Too bad. It was erotic.
jackbooted thugs!
JERRY
'Pottery Barn'?
KRAMER
I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs
in one day. That makes eight
this month.
JERRY
Why don't you just throw 'em out?
KRAMER
Oh, no. I've been saving them up here
in your apartment. And now,
it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn'
is in for a world of hurt.
phones. So you wanna grab a bite?
GEORGE
I can't. I gotta make the weekly call
to the folks.
JERRY
So call now.
GEORGE
I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes,
a few
you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile
Frankie the one
that used to run into the woods every time he got upset?
JERRY
That's him.
GEORGE
Is he still nuts?
JERRY
What do you think? They gave me a new
car for thirty minutes of 'So,
who's from out of town?'
or what?
ELAINE
Mmm. De-lish.
PUDDY
Delish?
ELAINE
Delish. You know, short for delicious.
PUDDY
Oh, like scrump.
ELAINE
Yeah.
PUDDY
I'm gonna be late. See ya later.
JACK
Excuse me, can I borrow your ketchup?
JACK
Thank you.
Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face
GEORGE
Hey, it's Georgie.
ESTELLE
Let me put your father on the phone.
GEORGE
Ma!
FRANK
Who is this?
GEORGE
Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at
Fortunoff's the other day, and,
you know what, you were right.
FRANK, HANGING UP
Sorry, George, our Chinese food just
came. Talk to you
later.
GEORGE
Chinese food?
sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!?
JERRY
So, maybe they had Chinese food?
GEORGE
After dark? Please. At their age, that's
like swallowing stun
grenades.
JERRY
Well, there's one way to check. Where
there's Chinese food, there's
leftovers.
GEORGE
That's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for
the Chinese food leftovers.
ELAINE
Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it
was like this, totally unreal,
fairy tale moment.
JERRY
It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?
ELAINE
Oh, George's friend. Whatever happened
to him?
GEORGE
Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go.
JERRY
So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy,
and this new guy, in a big pot
of love stew.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire
him until I see if this new
guy can... handle the workload.
'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all
these
companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.
JERRY
Stop the mail?
KRAMER
That's... even better!
FRANKIE
Jerry!
JERRY
Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car?
FRANKIE
This is it.
JERRY
Inside the van?
FRANKIE
It is the van! Don't you remember, we
always talked about how cool
it would be to have a van and just drive?
JERRY
We were ten.
FRANKIE
Come on. Let's take it for a spin.
JERRY
I don't want a van.
ELAINE
Well, just tell him you want the SAAB.
JERRY
You don't understand. This is Fragile
Frankie Merman. When we were in
camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole,
and sit in it.
ELAINE
Well, I have an idea. Keep the van,
and get a bumper sticker that
says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.'
JERRY
Always helpful.
ESTELLE
Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here?
GEORGE
Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh,
you never called me back.
ESTELLE
Uh... the phone broke.
FRANK
Well, we got to get moving.
GEORGE
What? Where are you going?
FRANK
We have a catered affair.
GEORGE
You're going like that?
suspicious.
JACK
Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late.
Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face
JACK
I'm gonna be in the can.
ELAINE
Okay, Jack.
CASHIER
Sure.
right. Again.
JERRY
Aye, aye.
FRANKIE
Oh, there's a spot. Just back up.
Large-vehicle reverse beeping starts
JERRY
Hold on. There must be a truck backing
up.
FRANKIE
No, that's us.
JERRY
Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering.
What if I decided that
it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York
City. Is
there maybe some way I could exchange it?
FRANKIE
You don't like the van?
JERRY
No, no, no. Just hypothetically.
FRANKIE
I gotta go to the park.
JERRY
No! No, you don't! No woods. I love
the van. I'm a van guy.
them, but let's see them get by... these bricks.
JERRY
Where'd you get the bricks?
KRAMER
Jerry, the whole building is brick.
JERRY
So you want to take a ride with me out
to Jersey? I'm gonna try to
sell the van to a lot.
KRAMER
A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out
an ad. Sell it privately.
JERRY
I don't think I want to meet the people
that are in the market for a
used van.
KRAMER
Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
JERRY
OK.
KRAMER
All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah.
OK, so... 'For sale. A big,
juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades
considered.'
JERRY
I don't want to trade.
KRAMER
No, you don't have to. It's all about
tickling their buying bone.
JERRY
Hey, you know what? This is all your
mail. They're puttin' it in my
box now.
KRAMER
Oh, that's it. They have gone too far.
They keep pushing me, and
pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk
to them.
ELAINE
Hey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone.
This is Jack.
Heraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face
POSTAL EMPLOYEE
May I help you?
KRAMER
Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.
POSTAL EMPLOYEE
Certainly. How long would you like us
to hold it?
KRAMER
Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me.
I want out, permanently.
NEWMAN
I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't
you take your three hour break?
Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.
KRAMER
Oh, yes, I am.
NEWMAN
What about your bills?
KRAMER
The bank can pay 'em.
NEWMAN
The bank. What about your cards and
letters?
KRAMER
E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex,
telex, telegrams,
holograms.
NEWMAN
All right, it's true! Of course nobody
needs mail. What do you
think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't
know the half of
what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.
SUPERVISOR
Is everything all right here, Postal
Employee Newman?
NEWMAN
Yes, sir, I believe everything is all
squared away. Isn't it, Mr.
Kramer?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. As long as I stop getting
mail!
ESTELLE
Oh!
GEORGE
Quick for a... catered affair.
FRANK
I don't know what you mean.
GEORGE
You ditched me. That's twice. Now I
demand to know what's going on!
FRANK
George, we've had it with you. Understand?
We love you like a son,
but even parents have limits.
ESTELLE
The breakups, the firings. And every
Sunday with the calls.
FRANK
What my wife is trying to say is that
this is supposed to be our
time.
GEORGE
I'm not following.
FRANK
We're cuttin' you lose.
GEORGE
You're cuttin' me loose?
FRANK
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to make love to your mother.
GEORGE
They don't want to see me anymore!
JERRY
But this is what you've always wanted.
GEORGE
It is. I'm just not ready yet.
JERRY
Aw, that's kind of sweet.
GEORGE
Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think
they can ignore me. Heh heh.
Well, they better think again.
JERRY
Oh, no. George, please. What are you
going to do?
GEORGE
You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna
date her.
JERRY
Mother of God.
GEORGE
One little wink. She'll freak out, tell
my parents. They'll be all
over me. Who is this guy?
JERRY
That guy Elaine's dating seems really
familiar to me. I think he may
have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what
is this?
On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the
Wiz, chanting
Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!
JERRY
That is the guy!
GEORGE
Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy?
JERRY
No, she thinks she's in love with him.
But she's just remembering
this old commercial.
GEORGE
That's pretty pathetic.
JERRY
I know. They're not even related.
GEORGE
Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going.
JERRY
Hey, have fun at the... family reunion.
So, what do you know about
this Jack fellow?
ELAINE
Isn't he the best?
JERRY
Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of
work does he do?
ELAINE
Oh, right now he's a fact checker for
New York Magazine. It's not
much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity.
this?
On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the
Wiz, chanting
Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!
ELAINE
Oh, no.
JERRY
Oh, yes.
come on buy.
RHISA
Yeah, thanks.
GEORGE
Sure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found
you... very attractive.
RHISA
What?
GEORGE
I know it may sound shocking. But, I
just can't stop myself from...
wanting you.
RHISA
You want to borrow money, right?
GEORGE
No, no. I-I just want us to be... together.
RHISA
All right.
GEORGE
All right?
RHISA
Let's go for it.
GEORGE
Well... we could dance around it a little
first.
GEORGE
Whoa! Whoa! Geez!
JERRY
You know why I'm selling it. I hate
it.
KRAMER
How many miles?
JERRY
Two.
KRAMER
City or highway?
JERRY
Look, do you really want to buy this
thing, or what?
pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm
not paying for
that.
JERRY
All right, just get out of here.
KRAMER
All right, look. I'm going to be honest.
I'm very interested in the
van.
JERRY
OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put
you in this van today?'
But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'.
JERRY
You put that in!
JERRY
You want to trade me an undershirt?
KRAMER
No, I want to trade you screen legend
Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He
took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.
JERRY
That's disgusting.
KRAMER
Well, it's my final offer.
PUDDY
You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.
ELAINE
Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a
mistake. So, let's just put it
behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.
PUDDY
Gee, I don't know. What if we're out
somewhere and you see the Maytag
repairman.
ELAINE
You're not taking me back?
PUDDY, LEAVING
That's right.
ELAINE
He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And
nobody beats him. Nobody...
on. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend.
WOMAN
Why does this dummy have a bucket on
its head?
KRAMER
Because we're blind to their tyranny.
WOMAN
Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?
KRAMER
Yeah. Move along, Betty.
FRANKIE
Is this, uh, Jerry Seinfeld's van?
KRAMER
Well, not anymore. He traded it to me
for some Hollywood
memorabilia.
FRANKIE
I'm, uh, I'm so stupid.
KRAMER
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, nice to meet you.
JERRY
She's into it?
GEORGE
She's leaving me dirty messages on my
answering machine.
JERRY
So have your parents found out about
it?
GEORGE
She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks
we have a real future
together.
JERRY
Brave new world, alright.
JERRY
Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?
KRAMER
Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front
of the post office today,
and not one person went in.
JERRY
It's Sunday.
GEORGE
Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
KRAMER
Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
GEORGE
Then... shouldn't you be wearing the
bucket.
JERRY
Hey, I want my van keys back.
KRAMER
Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal
for Quinn's t-shirt.
JERRY
Are you insane? Give 'em to me.
KRAMER
No, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank
he could borrow it. Yeah, he
wants to move some of George's stuff into storage.
GEORGE
Wait a minute? He's picking up the van
tonight? This is perfect.
I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides
the door
open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.
KRAMER
Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends
came by and he was very upset
that I had your wheels.
JERRY
Oh, no, not Frankie.
KRAMER
Well, I didn't catch his name, but then
he went running into the
park.
JERRY
Oh, no, the woods! The hole!
NEWMAN
Kramer, what the hell are you doing?
KRAMER
I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket
to something else.
NEWMAN
Not that!
KRAMER
What?
NEWMAN
You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't
even be talking to you, but
walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a
mail truck will
slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know,
maybe even
trust, will offer to give you a lift.
KRAMER
Are you through?
NEWMAN
No! And no one will ever see you again!
KRAMER
Are you through?
NEWMAN
Yes. No, wait! OK, yes.
in!
KRAMER
Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you
said it was going down.
NEWMAN
There's another way it can go down,
and it's going down right now!
KRAMER
No. You said a mailman I know, and you're
a mailman I know!
NEWMAN
I know you know, but you don't know
what I know.
JERRY
Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie,
is that you?
HOLE DIGGER
My name is Edgar.
JERRY
Have a nice night.
HOLE DIGGER
Thank you.
Frankie, digging a hole, talking to himself, and seeing Jerry's
van pull up
NEAR HIM
Stupid... so stupid! Jerry?
RHISA
All right, George. I'm ready.
GEORGE
Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying
to get a reading on my
dashboard compass. Where are my parents?
RHISA
Geor-gie...
Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?!
he saying?
GEORGE
I think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh,
my God!
RHISA
No, they caught him.
ELAINE
So I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going
back with Jack.'
JACK
Elaine, that's the second piece of good
news today.
ELAINE
Really, what was the first?
again.
ELAINE
What?
JACK, DANCING AROUND
I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!
ELAINE
Well what, what about your fact-checking
job?
JACK, DANCING AROUND
Oh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the
Wiz! I'm the Wiz
and noooobody beats me!
there.
FRANKIE
You hate the van.
JERRY
But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate
the idea of being a van guy,
it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt
people.
FRANKIE
So, can we go for a ride?
JERRY
Yeah, let's just get out of here.
with that?
Good. He left the door unlocked.
ESTELLE
Why did Kramer have to park the van
in the woods?
FRANK
Isn't it obvious? There are no parking
meters out here.
mama!
POSTMASTER GENERAL
Oh, my goodness. What have they done
to you here?
KRAMER
Huh? Who are you?
POSTMASTER GENERAL
Well, you can just call me Henry.
KRAMER
Henry Atkins? The postmaster general?
POSTMASTER GENERAL
Last time I checked.
KRAMER
Henry... can I get out of here now?
POSTMASTER GENERAL
Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean,
after all, I drove
all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you.
KRAMER
Oh?
POSTMASTER GENERAL
I even had to cancel a round of golf
with the secretary
of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?
KRAMER
Yeah.
POSTMASTER GENERAL
Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some
of your material
imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood
handing out pottery catalogs, door to door.
KRAMER
Yeah! Ha ha.
POSTMASTER GENERAL
Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn
serious about it.
In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both
know, it's the
job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can
understand why
I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf.
KRAMER
I'm very, very sorry.
POSTMASTER GENERAL
Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a
stack of mail out
at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't
you Mr.
Kramer?
KRAMER
Sure do!
Kramer, seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his
head,
NEWMAN, WHIMPERING
Tell the world my story.
JERRY
Hey, George!
GEORGE
Jerry! Hey, that's the guy!
JERRY
What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman.
GEORGE
Oh. The summer me.
FRANKIE
The winter me.
JERRY
You must be George's cousin.
RHISA
Girlfriend.
JERRY
All right.
JERRY
Don't go a-knockin'.
FRANKIE
Now you gotta sell this van.
JERRY
Oh, yeah.
FRANK
What you saw in that van was a natural
expression of a man's love for
his lady.
GEORGE
Ohhhh...
ESTELLE
Your father's right. It's beautiful.
FRANK
And it was safe.
GEORGE
Oh, God...
FRANK
Now if you'll excuse me. Once again,
your mother and I...
GEORGE
Oh... make it stop.
THE END
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