THE MASSEUSE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
(Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)
JERRY
No eight years isn't such a long streak.
ELAINE
It isn't?
JERRY
No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
ELAINE
Get out!
JERRY
Not since June 29, 1980.
ELAINE
You remember the date?
JERRY
Yes, because my previous vomit was also
June 29th... 1972. That's why during
the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George:
"Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on
June 29th again."
ELAINE
Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't
thrown up in eight years, I was wondering
if he was normal.
JERRY
Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just
happens to have the same name as one
of the worst serial killers in the history
of New-York.
ELAINE
Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's
office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta
go. (she hangs up)
JOANNE
Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a
bus stop.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah?
JOANNE
Yeah. What's his name?
ELAINE
Joel...
JOANNE
Joel what?
ELAINE
Uh... Rifkin.
MICHAEL
Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?
ELAINE
Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.
MICHAEL
Guess you better keep on his good side.
ELAINE
Very funny. That's very funny.
JOANNE
I wouldn't sleep with my back to him
if I were you.
ELAINE
All right. Well that's enough of that.
That's enough.
MICHAEL
Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything
decaying in the trunk of his car...
ELAINE
(she's upset, gets up and yells) OK
look this is my boyfriend we're talking
about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's
good looking, he's a good shaver and
he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so
just shut up about him! Shut up!
(scene ends)
(Jerry's)
ELAINE
The whole city is talking about this
monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating
a Joel Rifkin.
JERRY
But you like your Joel Rifkin.
ELAINE
Yeah. I just wish he has a different
name.
JERRY
Ask him to change it.
ELAINE
You can't ask a person to change their
name.
JERRY
Why not?
ELAINE
Would you change yours?
JERRY
If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude
Seinfeld.
(Kramer enters)
ELAINE
Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle?
Eighteen?
JERRY
Yeah. Eighteen strangles.
KRAMER
You know why Rifkin was a serial killer?
Because he was adopted. (saying it as
he's taking a lot of paper towels from
Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused
at Kramer's statement) Just like Son
of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption
leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves
and we don't know why he needed so much
paper towels)
ELAINE
You know Joel and I have an extra ticket
to the Giants game.
(Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer
pops in again)
KRAMER
I'll go.
ELAINE
O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at
will call.
KRAMER
Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again)
ELAINE
You think I should have asked George?
JERRY
Hey did you hear that George got back
with Karen?
ELAINE
Karen?
JERRY
Risotto. (we see a flashback from The
Mango where Karen tells George that
she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed
to when she has sex with him)
ELAINE
Oh! The Risotto broad.
JERRY
Yeah. He's really got a good thing with
her. In fact I'm doubling with them
tonight.
ELAINE
I tought you didn't like double dates.
JERRY
George likes them, he feels it's a good
personality showcase. He likes a date
to see him with a friend so she can
get a window into his nondate personality.
ELAINE
I've looked through that window and
screamed at him to shut the blinds.
JERRY
He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.
ELAINE
And you're taking...
JERRY
Jody the masseuse.
ELAINE
Hey, did you get a massage yet?
JERRY
No! How many times do I have to go out
with her before I get a massage?
ELAINE
Jerry, she gives massages all day. She
doesn't wanna to give them on dates.
JERRY
Yeah I know... She just wants to have
sex.
ELAINE
So what?
JERRY
Well it's like going to Idhao and eating
carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in
Idhao, I want a potato.
(scene ends)
(The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant'))
(Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They
got a table!)
GEORGE
(George is telling a story. Karen is
laughing and she seems to be the only
one to find him funny) So I go into
this clothing store and the saleswoman
is wearing this (whistling) low cut
thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask
you a question? When you put on a top
like that, what's your tought process?
What's going on in your mind?"
KAREN
That is so funny.
GEORGE
(to Jody) You're listening to this?
JODI
Yeah. I heard you.
JERRY
(to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right
in this spot. Very tender over here.
JODI
(to George) So what did she say?
GEORGE
Well nothing. I didn't actually say
that. (Karen is still laughing)
JODI
You just said that you said it.
GEORGE
Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.
KAREN
I'm learning a lot about you tonight
George. I've never seen you like this.
JERRY
(touching the back of his neck) It's
like somebody's pulling on wires back
here.
GEORGE
You know it's like you never see a really
attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.
JODI
How can you say that? My sister got
a ticket last week. Are you saying she's
not attractive?
GEORGE
Well I've never met your sister but
obviously these are not hard-and-fast
rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the
tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.
JODI
(to Jerry) Can we go?
JERRY
Yeah. Let's go.
KAREN
So soon? (they get up)
JERRY
Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen.
KAREN
Yeah.
JODI
Nice meeting you Karen.
KAREN
Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna
call you about that massage.
JODI
Oh yeah.
GEORGE
Jody let's do this agian real soon (he
tends his arms for a hug but she avoids
him)
JODI
Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away)
(scene ends)
(Jerry's place later that night)
(Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch,
watching TV)
JERRY
I strained my neck last night.
JODI
Really, how?
JERRY
I tried brushing my teeth by holding
the brush and moving my head from side
to side. It didn't work.
JODI
So what's the deal with your friend
George?
JERRY
No deal. Why?
JODI
What was all that "attractive women
not getting tickets" nonsense?
JERRY
He was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.
JODI
I don't know how you can hang out with
that guy.
JERRY
Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense
(he takes Jody's hand and put it on
his shoulder)
JODI
Did you see the way that he was eating?
JERRY
Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her
hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously
starts to massage a little while watching
TV)
JODI
I have to tell you, I really don't like
him.
JERRY
Yeah, me either. (he takes her other
hand and put it on his other shoulder)
JODI
It's just I hate that type.
JERRY
Yeah, he's a bad seed.
JODI
Now you however, you, I like. (she stops
massaging and kisses Jerry)
JERRY
What are you doing?
JODI
What do you think I'm doing? (he won't
get his massage...)
(scene ends)
(The Chinese restaurant)
(George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)
GEORGE
So, what do you think?
KAREN
Really enjoyed it.
GEORGE
Jody's nice.
KAREN
She's very nice. (grabs George's hand)
Let's discuss this later.
GEORGE
You think she liked me? She seemed to
like me.
KAREN
Yeah
GEORGE
I was personable. Don't you think I
was personable?
KAREN
You were *extremely* personable.
GEORGE
I tought I picked up a little something.
I'm very good at this. Did you pick
up anything?
KAREN
I didn't pick up anything.
GEORGE
The second time I sent the noodle back,
I tought she made a face...
KAREN
I didn't see a face.
GEORGE
I tought I saw a face.
KAREN
Anyhow, what is the difference?
GEORGE
No difference. I could care less. She's
Jerry's girlfriend.
KAREN
George, George, instead of talking about
this, we could be... you know... (she
makes a move with her head like George
did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead
of the movie...")
GEORGE
He he he he
KAREN
Ah ah ah ah
GEORGE
So you think she likes me?
(Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)
(scene ends)
(Elaine's place)
(She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly
behind her to massage her neck.)
ELAINE
(as he touches her) Uhh! What are you
doing?
JOEL
Massaging your neck.
ELAINE
Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.
JOEL
Uh, boning up on football? (talking
about the magazine she's reading as
he sits beside her)
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are
a lot of players named Dion these days.
What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna
change my name, I'd go with Dion.
JOEL
Dion Benes?
ELAINE
Well as a woman, it makes no sense.
But, I mean, let's say I was you. And
I decided I was gonna change my name
for no real reasons whatsoever-- Dion
Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.
JOEL
D-Dion Rifkin?
ELAINE
Well maybe you're not the Dion type.
O.K. then let's see, let's see, what
do we got? (looking at the magazine,
she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh!
Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't
even use a name, it's just initials.
Oh please please please change your
name to O.J.! Please, it would be so
great!
JOEL
Elaine! What is going on?
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
(Jerry and George at a booth)
GEORGE
She stayed over?
JERRY
Yeah. (disappointed)
GEORGE
The sex wasn't so good?
JERRY
No. The sex was fabulous.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
I want the massage!
GEORGE
Did you ask her?
JERRY
I tried putting her hands there (on
his neck) but she pulls it away immediately,
she's not into it.
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very
frustrating.
GEORGE
So we had a good time... the four of
us.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
We all got along. Everyone seemed very
pleasant.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
What did Jodi say?
JERRY
She had a good time.
GEORGE
Is that it?
JERRY
Pretty much.
GEORGE
Did she say anything about, uh...
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Nah. It's all right. Great! She had
a good time.
JERRY
Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip
of coffee)
GEORGE
You just hesitated.
JERRY
I was blowing on the coffee.
GEORGE
She didn't like me?
JERRY
Look it's not like you're gonna be spending
a lot of time with her.
GEORGE
So she doesn't like me?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
She said that?
JERRY
Yes.
GEORGE
She told you she doesn't like me!
JERRY
Yes.
GEORGE
What were her exact--
JERRY
"I don't like him."
GEORGE
Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?
JERRY
Not everybody likes everybody!
GEORGE
I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?
JERRY
You were very nice!
GEORGE
I bent over backwards for that woman!
Is it that thing I said about her sister?
JERRY
It has nothing to do with her sister.
GEORGE
I don't even know her sister but believe
me, if she's getting traffic tickets,
she's not that good-looking!
(scene ends)
(hall in Jerry's building)
(George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's)
GEORGE
You vomited in 1987.
JERRY
Oh no. That was the dry heaves.
(Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)
JERRY
Jodi.
JODI
Hey, Jerry.
GEORGE
Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like:
it's so great to be all here)
JERRY
What are you doing here?
JODI
I was giving Kramer a massage.
JERRY
Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and
jealous)
JODI
I got to run. I have an appointment
downtown.
GEORGE
Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs
for you.
JODI
No that's O.K.
GEORGE
Please give it to me. I love to help
people. This is what I do. Come on.
I'm going this way. (he takes the table
from Jodi's hands and she has no choice
but to follow him)
JERRY
I'll see you tonight. (he's opening
his door apartment as Kramer comes out
of his in a bathrobe)
KRAMER
Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!
JERRY
Who told you to get a massage from her.
I haven't gotten a massage from her
yet!
KRAMER
You don't know what you're missing buddy.
(they enter Jerry's apartment)
(scene ends)
(street in front of Jerry's building)
(George and Jodi)
GEORGE
No one hails a cab like me. My hailing
technique is unmatched. I get the wrist
going from side to side and boom! Cabs
are crashing into themselves to just
pick me up. (a cab stops) All right,
here we go. Let me get door. Feminists
aside, I know women like the door holding.
Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's
get together again real soon and say
hello to your sister for me.
JODI
You've never met. (the cab starts and
George is following to keep talking
to Jodi)
GEORGE
Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved
right now, I wouldn't mind being set
up. Something tells me she's a knockout.
(we see, from the camera inside the
cab, George's hand waving as the cab
drives away)
(scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of
cheese on the kitchen counter)
KRAMER
(Kramer is talking much more slowly
and smoother than usual) First she sets
the mood perfectly with this new age
music played over ocean sounds. Then
she lays you out on this table, and
she proceeds to rub oil over your entire
body. And she rubs long... and deep...
Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is
obviously cutting much harder than the
cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer)
Every muscles she touches just... (long
pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky,
soft fingers, you can scarcely contain
yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the
knife and goes to the couch)
JERRY
So you had a good time.
KRAMER
Oh... yeah...
JERRY
Enjoyed yourself.
KRAMER
Very... much...
JERRY
All right now you listen and you listen
good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws
him down the couch)
KRAMER
What! (Kramer is back to his usual way
of speaking)
JERRY
The massages are out!
KRAMER
Wha--
JERRY
Ahh!!! They're out!
KRAMER
Why?!
JERRY
Because if I can't get one, you're not
getting one.
KRAMER
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need
my massages! Can't you see I'm burned
out!
JERRY
I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to
the kitchen)
KRAMER
Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry
stops walking)
JERRY
Don't you ever talk about her like that!
KRAMER
But why?
JERRY
That's final!!!
KRAMER
Ah!!! Yahh!!!
(scene ends)
(Giants Stadium)
(Elaine and Joel)
ELAINE
Oh, you have photos in your wallet?
JOEL
Yeah. Why? Is that weird?
ELAINE
No, it's normal. You're very normal.
You're totally normal. Who's this?
JOEL
That's my mother.
ELAINE
Oh yeah. I see the resemblance.
JOEL
No, there's no resemblance.
ELAINE
Yeah, there is, right here you see--
JOEL
Elaine, I was adopted.
ELAINE
(pause) Oh. That's nice.
JOEL
The game's about to start. I wonder
where your friend Kramer is.
(scene ends)
(ticket counter)
KRAMER
(to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket
for Kramer.
TICKET MAN
Here it is. I need some I.D.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know,
I forgot my wallet.
TICKET MAN
Well, I can't give it to you then.
KRAMER
Are you kidding me?
TICKET MAN
I'm afraid not.
KRAMER
Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm
not Kramer.
TICKET MAN
I'm sorry. I need proof.
KRAMER
Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and
I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to
do all day.
TICKET MAN
Neither do I. But without I.D., I need
confirmation from the person who left
the ticket.
KRAMER
Where is a phone?
(scene ends)
(back to Elaine and Joel watching the game)
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your
attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin
report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone.
(the crowd stops cheering and we see
a football player distracted from the
game while hearing the announcer saying
Joel Rifkin)
JOEL
Who would be calling me here? (he stands
up and look around)
ELAINE
(to the person in front of her) He's
not the murderer.
(scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Kramer enters, moaning)
KRAMER
Oh, God.
JERRY
What's the matter with you?
KRAMER
Jerry, I need another massage!
JERRY
You just had one yesterday. What do
you need another one for?
KRAMER
Because of the Giant game! I told you,
It went overtime! You know what those
seats are like. They're very unforgiving.
JERRY
Oh please.
KRAMER
And then the game-winning field goal
went over the net and into the crowd
and I dove over three rows! My back,
it's killing me! It's killing me Jerry!
JERRY
Well, did you get the ball?
KRAMER
Oh I got the ball.
JERRY
Well, I never even caught a foul ball
at a baseball game.
KRAMER
Well, It's quite a thrill.
JERRY
Why don't you get somebody else?
KRAMER
Because nobody does it like she does.
She's the best.
JERRY
Well, that's it! Tonight's the night.
I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's".
KRAMER
What about my massage?
JERRY
Ask Newman.
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
(George and Karen at a booth)
GEORGE
So I lugged that table. That big heavy
massage table all the way down to the
cab! You ever seen one of those things?
KAREN
Of course.
GEORGE
No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't.
You know, not everybody's seen a massage
table.
KAREN
What, do you think I've never had a
massage before?
GEORGE
Anyway, I don't even get a thank you.
I don't get it!
KAREN
George, frankly, I'm getting a little
tired of hearing about her.
GEORGE
I wanna know what I did to this woman.
KAREN
What, you got a little thing for her?
GEORGE
No, No! She's going out with a friend
of mine. It's only courteous that we
should try and like each other.
KAREN
What difference does it make? Who cares
if she doesn't like you? Does everybody
in the world have to like you?
GEORGE
Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me.
I must be liked!
(scene ends)
(Elaine's apartment)
(Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)
ELAINE
Of course I support your decision to
change your name.
JOEL
After the Giant game I realized that
this--this problem isn't going away.
ELAINE
Well, listen, I just want you to know
that I was more than willing to stick
it out with Joel Rifkin.
JOEL
Sure?
ELAINE
(she fakes a strangling) RRR...
JOEL
O.K. you got your list?
ELAINE
Yeah. Yeah. 10 names.
JOEL
Right.
ELAINE
O.K. And if somebody objects, you can
just veto it.
JOEL
O.K.
ELAINE
O.K. You start. What's your first choice?
JOEL
Stuart.
ELAINE
(right away) No. Second choice.
JOEL
Stu--Stuart's no good?
ELAINE
I've never met a normal guy named Stuart.
JOEL
O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.
ELAINE
(repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd.
(pause) No. Veto.
JOEL
All right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna
like my first my third choice.
ELAINE
Great...
JOEL
Alex.
ELAINE
I gotta tell you, I have a bad association
with the name Alex.
JOEL
Bad bad association?
ELAINE
Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex
in art history. And he was always drinking
coffee and after every sip he would
go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds:
"Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips
and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to
drop the class.
(scnen ends)
(Jerry's place)
(Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table.
New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded)
JODI
Hey.
JERRY
Hi.
JODI
Hi. (kissing) I was running late and
I didn't have a chance to drop off my
stuff before I came over.
JERRY
Ah, no problem. That's fine.
JODI
What's with this music?
JERRY
That's new age music. Sounds of the
forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look
at this! What do you know? A massage
table! This is great! (he starts to
install the table)
JODI
What are you doing?
JERRY
Just checking it out. Look at how this
thing is made. Can I tell you something?
That's a hell of a piece of equipment.
JODI
Actually, I should get a new one.
JERRY
Nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits
on the table)
JODI
So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts
her hand on his shoulder)
JERRY
Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his
hand over hers. She starts to massage
his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels
good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good.
(he tries to go further. He grabs her
hands over his shoulders and he lies
down on the table on his chest) Yeah,
that's nice. That's very nice.
JODI
(she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't
good. I can't do this.
JERRY
Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands
and force her to keep them on his shoulders)
JODI
I can't (she tries harder to pull her
hands away)
JERRY
No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)
JODI
No, I can't!
JERRY
Come on! I know it's something you wanna
do! (she pulls harder and he falls right
off the table)
(scene ends)
(Karen's place)
(George and Karen are making out on the couch)
GEORGE
You know what? I should really go talk
to her. Nothing confrontational. Just
two adults sitting down trying to clear
the air. I just know if I could spend
some time alone with her. I've got to.
(he grabs his jacket) I've got to.
KAREN
You're going now?
GEORGE
I think I can still catch her.
KAREN
All right George. I have had just about
enough of this.
GEORGE
What? What are you talking about.
KAREN
I am talking about you and Jodi. You're
completely obsessed with her!
GEORGE
I know. I know.
KAREN
Who is more important to you, her or
me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are
you gonna pick?
GEORGE
(he thinks a little about it... and
as he puts his hand on his knee and
gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care
for you, but I just can't stand when
someone doesn't like me. (he opens the
door)
KAREN
Well, now *I* hate you!
GEORGE
That I'm used to. (he leaves)
(scene ends)
(back to Elaine's place)
JOEL
Ned?
ELAINE
What is wrong with Ned?
JOEL
Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear.
Next!
ELAINE
Ellis.
JOEL
Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex.
It's the same thing!
ELAINE
Ellis and Alex aren't even close.
JOEL
NEXT!
ELAINE
Ohh, what is the point?
JOEL
NO, NO. COME ON!
ELAINE
O.K. O.K. Remy.
JOEL
Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?
ELAINE
Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking
like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes
to go shopping with his mother.
JOEL
Grrrr!
(scene ends)
(back to Jerry's)
JERRY
What do you mean, no?
JODI
No means no.
JERRY
Look, who are you kidding? You come
up to my apartment with your table and
your little oils, and I'm not supposed
to expect anything? You're a massage
teaser.
JODI
Listen. I massage who I want, when I
want. I don't submit to forcible massage.
(he tries desperately to get her hands
on his shoulders again but she pulls
them away immediately) I'm getting out
of here.
JERRY
Fine. Go.
(George enters. He's staring at Jodi)
GEORGE
Jerry, could you excuse us for a few
minutes, please?
JERRY
What for?
GEORGE
We need to talk.
JERRY
*You* need to talk?
JODI
We have nothing to talk about.
GEORGE
Look it's no secret what's going on
between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like
me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.
JERRY
George, anything you have to say to
her, you can say in front of me.
GEORGE
(he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and
turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman
hates me so much. I'm starting to like
her.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
She just dislikes me so much... It's
irresistable.
JERRY
I can see that.
JODI
I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry)
Don't call me.
JERRY
Don't worry. (she leaves)
GEORGE
A woman that hates me this much comes
along once in a lifetime.
JERRY
You're a lucky guy.
GEORGE
I got to go after her.
JERRY
George. I wouldn't push for the massage.
(George nods)
GEORGE
JODI! (he starts running after her)
THE END
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