THE NON-FAT YOGURT
Written by
Larry David
JERRY
I've always been a big fan of the little
check move. You
know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total
it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the
check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm
doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."
ELAINE
Hmm!
GEORGE
Fantastic!
JERRY
I told you. How good is this?
GEORGE
Good.
JERRY
How good?
GEORGE
Very good.
ELAINE
They got blue berries. And there's real
blue berries. What
kind did you get?
JERRY
Coffee. And they grind up the coffee
beans, and they put it
in.
ELAINE
Let me test-taste that.
JERRY
Huh? Huh?
ELAINE
Hmm! Rico!
JERRY
Suave! And it's non-fat!
GEORGE
See, how could this not have any fat?
It's too good.
ELAINE
You want to taste mine?
GEORGE
Oh, you want to taste mine.
ELAINE
No, I don't.
GEORGE
Okay, if you want to taste mine, you
don't have to offer me
some of yours.
ELAINE
All right, let's just forget it.
JERRY
You know, Kramer's going to clean up
on this place.
GEORGE
What do you mean?
JERRY
He invested in it.
GEORGE
No kidding?
JERRY
Yeah. We've been coming here everyday.
This is so
*beep*ing good.
LADY
Jerry!
JERRY
Oh, I'm sorry.
ELAINE
All right, we should get going. But,
I'm going to get a little
bit more, okay?
GEORGE
Oh, god. Look who's here.
JERRY
Who is it?
GEORGE
This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd:
Braun. He's a
big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.
JERRY
Oh, really?
LLOYD
Hey, George!
GEORGE
Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry.
LLOYD
So, I hear you're living back home now?
GEORGE
Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.
LLOYD
Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks
in this place,
huh? Something wrong with your arm?
GEORGE
Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped
my elbow on a
desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves
involuntarily.
LLOYD
Wow, that's a bitch, huh?
LLOYD
So, how are your parents doing?
GEORGE
Oh, pretty good.
LLOYD
This place does some business, huh?
GEORGE
Yeah, this is my first time here.
LLOYD
Hey, she's a doll.
ELAINE
Hi!
GEORGE
Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.
ELAINE
Hi!
LLOYD
Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you.
ELAINE
Nice to meet you, too!
LLOYD
Well, I'm really sorry I got to run
now. Well, take it easy,
huh, George?
GEORGE
Yeah! Yeah.
ELAINE
Boy, he is really cute!
GEORGE
He's a jerk.
JERRY
He's gone, George.
GEORGE
All right. All right.
KRAMER
So, there were a lot of people there,
huh?
JERRY
Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're
going to make a fortune.
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
They're doing an incredible business.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.
JERRY
How did you know?
KRAMER
Well, I tasted it at the one downtown.
It's got a remarkable
texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
Buzz me.
JERRY
Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last
night. I ad-libbed
like ten new minutes.
KRAMER
Yeah, but did you tape it?
JERRY
Right there. I got it. I did this thing
on the Ottoman Empire.
Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your
feet up?
KRAMER
Yes!
JERRY
I'm telling you, I got like a whole
new Tonight Show here.
ELAINE
Hey!
KRAMER
Hey!
JERRY
What's the matter?
ELAINE
Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down
on the fork.
JERRY
Boy, it's hard to believe - with all
that biting experience - a
person could still make a mistake like that.
KRAMER
Yow!
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you
look like you put on
five, ten pounds.
JERRY
Kramer!
KRAMER
I'll tell you something else, you're
looking a little chunky
yourself, buddy.
JERRY
Me?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god,
I've gained seven
pounds.
JERRY
I've gained eight.
KRAMER
I told you.
ELAINE
Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds.
How did I gain 7
pounds?
JERRY
How did I gain eight?
ELAINE
I don't get it. I, I've been doing the
same exercises. I
haven't been eating anything different.
JERRY
Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second.
Maybe it's that
yogurt.
KRAMER
No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.
JERRY
Well, how else could this have happened?
KRAMER
Well, maybe it's the Oreos.
ELAINE
I don't eat Oreos.
KRAMER
You don't eat Oreos? The way you break
them open?
You're ~ practically having sex with them.
JERRY
What about me?
KRAMER
You? You're getting old.
JERRY
Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
KRAMER
Oh, guess again, Tubby!
ELAINE
Jerry, there's got to be a way to find
that out.
JERRY
There must be some kind of lab that
would do that kind of
thing.
ELAINE
Gasp! I've got it.
KRAMER
What?
ELAINE
I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.
KRAMER
Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if
that yogurt has fat in it, I
will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.
JERRY
Well, let's start the insanity.
KRAMER
Giddy-up!
Dad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy
Tune dancing?
GEORGE
No.
MOM
I like tap dancing.
Dad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.
MOM
Are you kidding? They practice for years,
those people.
GEORGE
What's for supper?
MOM
Somebody's at the door.
Dad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.
MOM
Lloyd?
LLOYD
Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
MOM
Georgie, Lloyd: Braun is here.
Dad Hey! Lloyd!
MOM
What are you doing here?
LLOYD
Well, I was just in the neighborhood
visiting my mother, and
so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".
MOM
Georgie. Come here and say hello.
Dad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for
Dinkins now.
LLOYD
That's right. Hey, George.
GEORGE
Hey, Lloyd. How's it going?
LLOYD
I ran into George: yesterday in the
city.
MOM
Ow! What's the matter with you?
LLOYD
So, uh, how's the arm, huh?
GEORGE
Oh, it's good. It's good.
MOM
What's the matter with your arm?
GEORGE
Nothing.
LLOYD
Oh, his arm moves like this.
Dad Your arm moves like this?
GEORGE
Yeah.
Dad I never seen your arm move like this.
MOM
Me, either.
GEORGE
Well, it comes and goes.
Dad It's like some kind of a spasm.
LLOYD
Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew
any good orthopedists,
and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for
you. Dr. Dekter.
MOM
Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for
him?
Dad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You
DISCUSSED GEORGE
with the mayor of New York?
MOM
Dinkins was talking about you. He was
discussing you.
GEORGE
You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor
- there's really
nothing they can do.
Dad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what
kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?
GEORGE
All right. All right. I'll go.
LLOYD
Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be
very interested to hear the
diagnosis.
ELAINE
Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down.
All right. Okay.
I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have
to drive there.
JERRY
And they said they can do it?
ELAINE
Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.
JERRY
All right. Let's go down to the yogurt
store, and we'll get a
specimen.
ELAINE
Hm-hmm.
Lady Well, I hope you're satisfied.
JERRY
What?
Lady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*,
*beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago?
Where's my *beep*ing cupcake?
JERRY
Gee, I'm really sorry.
Lady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe
you could talk to him?
JERRY
I'd be happy to.
Lady Thank you.
JERRY
Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of
your husband's yogurt
at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?
Lady No *beep*ing way!
LLOYD
Well, it was very nice seeing you again.
MOM
Oh, it was good seeing you.
LLOYD
Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous
woman I saw
you with the other day?
GEORGE
Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.
MOM
You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?
LLOYD
She is. She is. How about giving me
her number?
GEORGE
Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't
have it.
MOM
She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine:
Benice.
LLOYD
Oh, great. Thanks a lot!
GEORGE
Yeah!
LLOYD
So long.
MOM
Bye! Oh, that Lloyd: Braun. He is something,
isn't he?
Newman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!"
And I
sent her to the back of the line!
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
Newman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh?
And
it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my
whole life! And it's finally here!
Owner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities
around my son, huh?
JERRY
It was an accident. I'm going to talk
to him.
ELAINE
I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup
to go. That's non-fat,
right?
Owner That's right.
ELAINE
'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the
doctor said I can't have
any fat.
Owner Yeah, well, there is no fat.
Newman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.
ELAINE
Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!
JERRY
How's it doing?
ELAINE
Not too good.
KRAMER
Well, you can't have this tested now.
It's melting.
JERRY
So what.
KRAMER
It changes the molecules.
JERRY
Oh, you don't know what you're talking
about.
KRAMER
Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.
JERRY
You call me fatso one more time; you're
going to be walking
back.
ELAINE
Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting
the yogurt tested.
Labbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?
ELAINE
Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?
Labbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days.
ELAINE
That's okay.
KRAMER
Hello, there.
LABBETTE
Hello!
KRAMER
Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!
JERRY
What do you got there?
Labbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a
cholesterol work up on it.
JERRY
Oh.
ELAINE
Okay, I'm done.
LABBETTE
It was really nice meeting you.
KRAMER
Well, the pleasure's all mine.
JERRY
You can't take that chemist out.
KRAMER
Why not?
JERRY
Because she's like the jury. She's going
to be sequestered.
KRAMER
I'm not taking her out just to influence
the results.
JERRY
Well, I think the whole thing stinks.
ELAINE
It smells. Smells bad. Smells really
bad.
JERRY
That's enough.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Well, with the smells.
GEORGE
So, he made an appointment for me to
see Dinkins' doctor.
He's just trying to humiliate me.
JERRY
Uh-huh.
GEORGE
And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll
know I'm lying.
JERRY
Well, so, what are you going to do?
Sit in the doctor's office
doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.
GEORGE
I don't care. Look, Lloyd: doesn't know
what he's up against.
This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.
ELAINE
Hey!
G&J Hey.
ELAINE
So, guess who called me.
GEORGE
Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?
ELAINE
We're going out tomorrow night.
GEORGE
Oh, look, he's going to ask you about
my arm. So, just tell
him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving
involuntarily ever since.
ELAINE
I can't say that.
GEORGE
Why not?
ELAINE
What if I like him? I'm going to start
out lying to this guy?
GEORGE
So, you're taking his side?
ELAINE
No. But what if we get married or something?
We'll always
have that between us.
GEORGE
Already you're marrying this guy?
ELAINE
You never know.
GEORGE
All right, believe me, you're not going
to marry him.
ELAINE
All right, well, then what if we become
a couple, George?
Every time we see you you're going to be walking around
going like this? Even you can't keep that up.
JERRY
No, I believe he can.
Lady Hi!
JERRY
Hi!
Lady You know Jerry.
Son Of course, he's the funny *beep*er.
Lady See!
JERRY
Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something
to you. Now,
cursing is not something that most comedians do.
Son You did it.
JERRY
That's true. But it was an accident.
And I haven't done it
since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue
cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you
grow up. Excuse me one second.
ELAINE
You know, Lloyd: advises Dinkins on
everything he does.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.
ELAINE
He tells him which soap to use.
JERRY
What the *beep* are you doing? You little
piece of *beep*.
LABBETTE
Shh! We don't want to disturb the security
guard.
KRAMER
Where's the lights. Whoa!
LABBETTE
How about this?
KRAMER
Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste?
It's Cappuccino.
LABBETTE
It's delicious.
KRAMER
I hear you.
LABBETTE
Non-fat?
KRAMER
Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in
yet?
LABBETTE
No.
KRAMER
Well, this is in case there's a tie!
ELAINE
Well, as far as I know, he bumped his
arm into a door and
it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a
spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?
LLOYD
Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to
the wire.
ELAINE
Wow! You know what I would do if I was
running for
mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody
should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.
LLOYD
Name tags, hmm?
ELAINE
Well, everybody would know everybody.
It would be like a
small town.
LLOYD
Maybe I'll mention that to him.
ELAINE
Really? Wow!
LLOYD
You sure you don't want any yogurt?
ELAINE
No, I'm watching my weight.
LLOYD
Well, it's nonfat.
ELAINE
Yeah, so they say.
LLOYD
Well, should we go?
ELAINE
Yeah. Okay.
ELAINE
Three days and he hasn't called me,
and you know why?
Because he thinks I'm too fat.
JERRY
He said that?
ELAINE
No, but I saw the look on his face when
he put his arm
around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on
one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a
lot of woman!"
KRAMER
Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?
JERRY
No, but I expect to hear anytime.
KRAMER
Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
JERRY
Why do you say that?
KRAMER
No reason. Oh, did you hear about that
Dinkins?
ELAINE
No. What about him?
KRAMER
You didn't hear?
ELAINE
Un-huh.
KRAMER
He's proposing a plan where everyone
in the city should wear
name tags.
JERRY
Name tags?
KRAMER
Yeah! So people can go around saying
"hello" to one another.
JERRY
Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you
know who I saw
wilding today? Herb!"
KRAMER
He's become the laughing stock! You
know The Times has
already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!
JERRY
Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really?
Okay, thank you
very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!
KRAMER
Yeow!
GEORGE
The next morning, I woke up, and it
was going like this. I
can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!
DOCTOR
Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly
honest with you.
GEORGE
Please, doctor.
DOCTOR
I've examined you.
GEORGE
Yes.
DOCTOR
I've looked at your X-rays.
GEORGE
Uh-huh.
DOCTOR
And I find that there's absolutely nothing
wrong with you.
GEORGE
Hmm. Really? Nothing?
DOCTOR
Nothing that would indicate involuntary
spasms.
GEORGE
Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't
it?
DOCTOR
No, not really.
GEORGE
How so?
DOCTOR
May I suggest the possibility that you're
faking?
GEORGE
Faking? What makes you think that I
have time to see
doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's
absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person
would do a thing like that?
DOCTOR
I don't know what kind of a person would
do something like
that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person.
A person who has no regard for wasting other people's
valuable time. Good-bye.
GEORGE
Now, see here, doctor.
DOCTOR
I said, good-bye.
GEORGE
Fine. Ow!
ELAINE
Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over
to that yogurt store.
JERRY
Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about
this. This has got to
be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey,
look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.
KRAMER
Okay.
NEWS
Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical
last week, received
some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned
out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the
minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another
development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd
Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag
fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy
Giuliani is about to make a statement.
GIULIANI
It's hard to understand. Because I've
been doing everything I
normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I
exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that
I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.
JERRY
Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani
and he doesn't even
know it.
ELAINE
Now look what you've done.
JERRY
Well, we've got to do something. I'm
calling Giuliani's
headquarters.
GEORGE
Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an
idiot thinks
anybody would be interested in an idea like that.
Dad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags.
Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are
you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought
you said it went away.
GEORGE
I banged it on the desk in the doctor's
office. And . . .
MOM
Be quiet. They're starting the press
conference.
Giuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing
information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being
sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm
elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a
special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you,
my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do
everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat
yogurt.
JERRY
The old yogurt was so much better. Oh,
this is terrible.
GEORGE
Phew!
ELAINE
Oh, it stinks.
KRAMER
Mine, too. I got one more day.
JERRY
I can't eat this.
Newman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.
JERRY
It had fat in it, it's not good for
you.
Newman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to
interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get
even with you for this. You can count on it.
ELAINE
Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen
to this. Apparently
some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his
cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially
reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt
scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the
election for the Republican. It was the one issue which
seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.
JERRY
So, in effect, the yogurt won him the
election.
ELAINE
I wonder what actually happened in that
lab.
KRAMER
Yeah, me, too.
Newman I can't eat this.
BOY
Thanks for ruining my daddy's business,
you fat *beep*!
THE END
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