THE NOTE
Written by
Larry David
Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best.
"Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They
can't all be the best.
There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom
of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying
to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah,
he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got,
it'll be worse after you see him.
He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher."? And then there's
always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me."
Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob!
Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."
(Jerry is getting a massage.)
JULIANNA
...And usually for lunch I'll have a
salad, and for dinner, I eat
whatever I want.
JERRY
What do you think the worst part of
being blind is?
JULIANNA
Excuse me?
JERRY
You know, if you were blind what do
you think the worst part of it would
be?
JULIANNA
I don't know.
JERRY
I think it would be not being able to
tell if there was bugs in my food.
How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be
feeling around
with my lips and my tongue.
JULIANNA
Well that's how my five-year old eats.
He's a very picky eater.
JERRY
You hear about that kid that was kidnapped
the other day in
Pennsylvania?
JULIANNA
No.
JERRY
He was at a carnival with his mother.
She goes to get a hot dog, next
thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
JULIANNA
Oh.
JERRY
Imagine how sick a person has to be
to do something like that. And
these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy,
I could be one
of these people.
JULIANNA
Have you seen any good movies?
JERRY
Who takes care of your boy during the
day?
JULIANNA
We have a woman. Why?
JERRY
No no. I'm just saying.
JULIANNA
She had references.
JERRY
I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable.
I'm talking about the
ones that forge them. You know I think this is really helping.
JULIANNA
I don't live near here, ya know!
Jerry, Elaine and George are at Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
So she's giving me the massage and I'm
just making conversation.
ELAINE
I don't like to talk during a massage.
JERRY
Neither do I, but I do it for them.
I figure they're bored.
GEORGE
Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about
getting the pleasure. I feel
like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying
it. There's
nothing to eat in here.
ELAINE
Oh! I forgot to tell you--
JERRY
I'm in the middle of a story.
ELAINE
Okay, go ahead.
GEORGE
Why don't you ever go shopping?
JERRY
Not like it's a really funny story or
anything.
ELAINE
What happened?
JERRY
Well so she mentioned that she had a
son, and the for some reason I
launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was
abducted.
ELAINE
Oh, wasn't that terrible?
JERRY
Yes, it was.
GEORGE
Not even an apple.
ELAINE
She doesn't want to hear that, that
was stupid.
JERRY
I know it was stupid.
ELAINE
Really stupid.
JERRY
Hey, I just said it was stupid.
GEORGE
What about this leftover Chinese food?
JERRY
Take it.
ELAINE
I can't believe you said that.
JERRY
Hey, would you stop it already?
ELAINE
So, what did she say?
JERRY
I don't know, she actually seemed to
get a little paranoid.
GEORGE
This is terrible. What is this, ginger?
I hate ginger. I can't
understand how anyone can eat ginger.
ELAINE
I have a good masseuse you could go
to.
JERRY
Nah, she's really good and she's not
just a masseuse, she's a physical
therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound,
it's a real
medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's
covered by
insurance.
GEORGE
Physical therapy is covered by insurance?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
You don't have to pay for the massage?
JERRY
Not if you have a doctor's note.
ELAINE
So where do you get this note?
JERRY
Well I've never actually done it but
if I really wanted to I could
probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.
GEORGE
Right, your friend Roy.
ELAINE
What's the name of this physical therapist?
JERRY
I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything
about her kid, she a little
off.
GEORGE
And you don't have to pay.
George and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office.
GEORGE
We have three-o'clock appointments.
RECEPTIONIST
George and Elaine, right? Could you
fill these out for me
please? And Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and George, you'll
be with
Raymond.
GEORGE
Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?
RECEPTIONIST
Yes.
GEORGE
But, uh, Raymond is a man.
RECEPTIONIST
That's right.
George sits down slowly, letting this sink in.
GEORGE
I can't get a massage from a man.
ELAINE
Why not?
GEORGE
What, are you crazy? I can't have a
man touching me. Switch with me.
ELAINE
No, I don't want the man either.
GEORGE
What's the difference, you're a woman.
They're supposed to be touching
you.
ELAINE
He'd just be touching your back.
GEORGE
He'd just be touching your back too.
ELAINE
No, it could get sexual.
GEORGE
I know. That's the point. If it's gonna
get sexual, it should get
sexual with you.
ELAINE
I wouldn't be comfortable.
GEORGE
I would? What if something happens?
ELAINE
What could happen?
GEORGE
What if it felt good?
ELAINE
It's supposed to feel good.
GEORGE
I don't want it to feel good.
ELAINE
Then why get the massage?
GEORGE
Exactly!
A man walks up dressed in white.
RAYMOND
George?
GEORGE
Yes?
RAYMOND
I'm Raymond.
GEORGE
Hello.
RAYMOND
Are you ready?
George gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond.
George is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George
appears extremely
uncomfortable.
RAYMOND
...And then Julianna asked me if I wanted
to join her here in the
office.
GEORGE
Really.
RAYMOND
I used to be a flight attendant.
GEORGE
Oh boy.
RAYMOND
Ya know, why don't you open those pants,
it's gonna be a lot easier
that way.
George loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down
his hips then
starts massaging his lower back.
RAYMOND
So what do you do?
GEORGE
What?
RAYMOND
I said, 'What do you do?'.
GEORGE
I don't know.
RAYMOND
You don't know what you do?
GEORGE
Nah.
RAYMOND
Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense.
GEORGE
Coffee. Too much coffee.
RAYMOND
Okay, just take off those pants now,
I'll work the hamstring.
GEORGE
Oh, the hamstring's fine.
RAYMOND
But you wrote that it was tender.
GEORGE
I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote.
RAYMOND
I'll check it out.
GEORGE
Are you sure?
RAYMOND
Yeah, take 'em off.
George gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond
rubbing his
hands with oil. Nervous, George pulls his pants down and climbs
back on the
table. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid
with
discomfort.
RAYMOND
How did you hurt this?
GEORGE
I don't know.
RAYMOND
You don't know?
GEORGE
No.
RAYMOND
But you just told me--
GEORGE
Korea.
RAYMOND
You hurt it in Korea?
GEORGE
What?
RAYMOND
The hamstring.
GEORGE
Korea.
RAYMOND
How?
GEORGE
Hamstring.
RAYMOND
How did you hurt the hamstring?
GEORGE
Hotel.
Elaine is in the waiting room, George walks out very slowly,
he appears
positively shell-shocked.
ELAINE
How'd it go? George?
George walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine.
Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
JERRY
No appointments at all? Because my neck
is still tight. What about
Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.
George enters acting nervous.
JERRY
What's with you?
GEORGE
A...
JERRY
Yes, A...?
GEORGE
A man gave me...
JERRY
Yes, a man gave you...?
GEORGE
A man gave me... a massage.
JERRY
So?
GEORGE
So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...
JERRY
He was what?!
GEORGE
He was... touching and rubbing.
JERRY
That's a massage.
GEORGE
And then I took my pants off.
JERRY
You took your pants off?
GEORGE
For my hamstring.
JERRY
Oh.
GEORGE
He got about two inches from... there.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
I think it moved.
JERRY
Moved?
GEORGE
It may have moved, I don't know.
JERRY
I'm sure it didn't move.
GEORGE
It moved! It was imperceptible but I
felt it.
JERRY
Maybe it just wanted to change positions?
You know, shift to the other
side.
GEORGE
No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted,
this was a move.
JERRY
Okay, so what if it moved?
GEORGE
That's the sign! The test; if a man
makes it move.
JERRY
That's not the test. Contact is the
test, if it moves as a result of
contact.
GEORGE
You think it's contact? It has to be
touched?
JERRY
That's what a gym teacher once told
me.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts.
You know, I looked in there
and there he was having coffee and a donut.
JERRY
Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
KRAMER
Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.
JERRY
I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut
he goes to a fancy restaurant
or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.
KRAMER
Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.
GEORGE
I don't even like to sit next to a man
on an airplane 'cause our knees
might touch.
JERRY
I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at
the counter in little tiny filthy
smelly Dinky Donuts.
KRAMER
Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut
like everyone else?
JERRY
He can have a donut, but not at Dinky.
GEORGE
I don't even like to use urinals, I've
always been a stall man.
KRAMER
Look I'm telling-- (he does a double
take and looks at George) I'm
telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.
GEORGE
The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's
in Dinky Donuts. What about
this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.
JERRY
I never said I'd do that.
GEORGE
What are you talking about, that's seventy-five
bucks! I'm not
working, I can't afford that.
JERRY
I don't know how I feel about it.
GEORGE
Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?
JERRY
Alright, alright.
KRAMER
A stall man, huh?
George and Jerry are in Roy's office.
JERRY
...so we were just kinda wondering if
it was possible for you to write
us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.
GEORGE
He didn't say he can't.
JERRY
I mean, if you feel funny about it at
all.
GEORGE
He doesn't feel funny.
JERRY
If he does.
GEORGE
Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.
JERRY
He feels funny. You don't have to do
this.
GEORGE
He knows that!
JERRY
Roy, should we go? Is this a breach
of our friendship?
GEORGE
Oh, can you be any more dramatic?
ROY
Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George
looking at a poster on the wall)
Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got
a hell of a
body, doesn't he?
GEORGE
How would I know?
ROY
Do you like him?
GEORGE
What do you mean, like him?
ROY
Do you like him?
GEORGE
I mean he's a good fighter and a nice
guy but I don't like him.
ROY
How come you don't like him?
GEORGE
Why should I?
JERRY
What is the matter with you?
GEORGE
Nothing, why? You think something's
wrong? Am I different?
ROY
So, you want the notes?
JERRY
You don't have to, really.
ROY
Nah nah, it's ok.
JERRY
We should probably get one for Elaine,
too, right George? (turns to
George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?
Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
JERRY
Well what about the week after? No appointments
at all? (Jerry tries
to sit down on the couch, but Elaine is too close to the end
and he has to
squeeze in between her and the arm to sit down) Can I at least
just talk to her
so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this,
I make one
innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut
off. This woman
is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Well you were too close to me, I was
all scrunched in there.
ELAINE
Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here
first.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop
again.
JERRY
Uh huh.
ELAINE
Joe DiMaggio?
KRAMER
Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went
in and sat down across from him
and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example,
he dunks.
ELAINE
Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?
KRAMER
That's right.
JERRY
See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio
could not be a dunker.
KRAMER
Oh, he's a dunker.
ELAINE
Why couldn't he be a dunker?
KRAMER
And nothing diverts his attention. Like,
I'm uh, you know, like I'm
sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table,
you know, to uh,
look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang*
(slams the
table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing
these yelping
noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction
because
the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything
that's going on
around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like
he hits.
ELAINE
So then what?
KRAMER
Well, then the waitress, she comes up
and she tells me to shut up or
they're gonna throw me out.
ELAINE
Why didn't you just call out his name?
George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee.
JERRY
What happened to you?
GEORGE
One of those kids called me a Mary.
ELAINE
A what?
GEORGE
I was jumping over a puddle and for
some reason I went like this.
(George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) They called
me a Mary. So I
chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
KRAMER
Yeah, you know kids, they can be very
perceptive.
ELAINE
Hey, George? What is this? (Elaine makes
the same outstretched arm
motion) What is that? No really, what is that?
George heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers
it, Jerry grabs
it from him.
JERRY
Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god,
how did this happen? What can I
do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's
under
investigation for insurance fraud.
KRAMER
...just a man and not a freak, Joltin'
Joe DiMaggio. Joe,
Joe. Go, Joe...
JERRY
I told you.
GEORGE
Told me what?
JERRY
I told you we shouldn't do it.
GEORGE
He didn't say anything.
JERRY
He's got a house, a family, they could
take away his license. You
should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never
should have
got three notes.
ELAINE
Three notes?
JERRY
Yeah, you, me and George.
ELAINE
You got me a note?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
But I got my own note.
JERRY
You what?
ELAINE
I got a note from my gynecologist.
JERRY
Why'd you do that?
ELAINE
I didn't know you were getting me a
note.
JERRY
Of course I was getting you a note.
ELAINE
But you didn't say anything.
JERRY
Neither did you, that's how he got caught.
We sent in four notes from
two doctors.
KRAMER
How can you do that to your friend?
He's got a wife, kids, and a lot
of other stuff. Oh, yeah.
Kramer leaves.
Jerry and George are at Roy's office.
JERRY
Hi Pam.
PAM
Hello.
GEORGE
Hello.
JERRY
I just thought maybe I could talk to
Roy.
Roy walks in.
ROY
Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan...
Hi.
JERRY
Hi Roy.
GEORGE
How ya doing?
ROY
Come on back, I have a patient but she's
under.
Roy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a
dental chair.
JERRY
I don't even know what to say.
GEORGE
Me neither.
JERRY
I knew this would happen.
GEORGE
Me too.
JERRY
I mean the whole thing, it's just...
GEORGE
Tragic.
JERRY
Well it's not tragic.
GEORGE
No?
JERRY
No, it's...
GEORGE
Unsettling?
JERRY
Okay. I mean, what if the--
Pam walks in and interrupts.
PAM
I hope you're both happy.
JERRY
I'm not happy.
GEORGE
Me neither. I've never been happy.
JERRY
I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not
now.
GEORGE
In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
JERRY
Yeah, college was fun.
Pam walks in again and interjects.
PAM
You know the whole practice is in jeopardy,
you know that?
ROY
Don't mind her.
JERRY
Oh please, I love her.
GEORGE
I've just met her but I'm very impressed.
ROY
I can't understand, I've never had a
problem with these notes before.
JERRY
What's the next move, what's gonna happen
now?
ROY
Well, nothing really, as long as we
get the physical therapist to go along
with our story.
JERRY
What? The physical therapist? Why?
ROY
She just has to say the complaint was
related to a dental problem.
The woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George.
GEORGE
How ya doing?
Jerry and George are at Julianna's office.
JERRY
Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment
but it's really important
that I talk with Julianna.
RECEPTIONIST
I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not it.
JERRY
Yeah, I know she's mad at me but I really
have to speak with her.
RECEPTIONIST
I told you, she's not here.
JERRY
You don't understand.
RECEPTIONIST
Look, you have to leave.
JERRY
Wait a second, don't you-- (Julianna
walks up with her child) Hi. Hi.
Look, I don't know what you--
JULIANNA
Please!
JERRY
--but, you see, let me just talk to
you for a second, see, what I did is
inadvertently sent an insurance--
JULIANNA
I treated you, so please, just get out
of the office!
JERRY
Can't you just listen to me?
JULIANNA
Run Billy! Run to the office and close
the
door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!
Julianna then runs down the hall.
JERRY
The police?
Raymond the masseuse walks up.
RAYMOND
Hi George.
GEORGE
Hello.
JERRY
Raymond?
Elaine, Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
ELAINE
Well, I mean it's only six months probation,
it's a slap on the wrist.
JERRY
Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations
forthcoming.
GEORGE
Men have been popping into my sexual
fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll
be in the middle.
ELAINE
Of what? Oh.
GEORGE
And a guy will appear from out of nowhere.
I say "Get out of here!
What do you want? You don't belong here!"
ELAINE
What do they do?
GEORGE
They talk back. They go, "Hey George,
how's it going?" I say, "Get
the hell out of here!"
Jerry spots Kramer through the window.
JERRY
Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the
glass to get Kramer's attention)
Maybe it's time you got as different hobby.
Kramer enters and sits at the booth.
KRAMER
I just came from Roy's. I threw up from
the gas.
The three all put down their coffee cups simultaneously.
JERRY
Did he say anything?
KRAMER
No no, he's fine.
JERRY
Oh my god, it's...
GEORGE
Joe DiMaggio.
KRAMER
Where?
JERRY
Having a cup of coffee.
ELAINE
He's dunking!
JERRY
Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper.
Here.
GEORGE
You see? Now that is a handsome man.
(Elaine and Jerry look right at
George) Oh please.
KRAMER
Wait, wait. *bang* (he slams his hand
down on the table) *bang*
(again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* See?
I told you.
(Closing monologue)
What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual
man worry? I
think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales
resistance. We're
constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right.
Men think,
"Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally
wander into
some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and
the salesman
goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little
bit, see how
you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you
like to see him in a sandal?'"
THE END
|
