THE OLD MAN
Written by
Larry Charles
(Monk's)
GEORGE
Oh, what's the point? When I like them,
they don't like me, when
they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones
I
like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?
JERRY
Well, you've only got another fifty
years or so to go before it'll
*all* be over...
GEORGE
Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak
English.
JERRY
Yeah, how about a mute?
GEORGE
A mute would be good.
JERRY
Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?
GEORGE
This is what my life has come to...
Tryin to meet a mute.
GEORGE
I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's
a void, Jerry,
there's a void...
JERRY
A deep, yawning chasm...
GEORGE
There's gotta be more to life than this.
What gives you pleasure?
JERRY
Listening to you. I listen to this for
fifteen minutes and I'm on
top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
ELAINE
Hey boys!
JERRY
Hey! How you doin'?
ELAINE
Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start
tomorrow.
GEORGE
Start what?
ELAINE
I signed up to do volunteer work with
senior citizens.
GEORGE
*Really*.
ELAINE
Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel!
I mean, I feel *so*
*good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I
haven't even met the woman yet.
GEORGE
Volunteer work, huh?
JERRY
What're you gonna do down there?
ELAINE
Well, they say all it is is that you
go over to their apartment and,
I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee
and
it's supposed to make them feel good.
JERRY
That's what I do with him (points at
George)
GEORGE
When did you get this idea?
ELAINE
Last time I had lunch with you here.
You were going *on* and *on*
and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak
English.
JERRY
What, do you break it in with her, then
you try it out on me?
GEORGE
And... and anybody can do this?
ELAINE
Yup.
GEORGE
Helping people... Of course. Of course!
It makes perfect sense!
How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!
ELAINE
(To Jerry) What about you?
JERRY
Nah, it's not for me.
ELAINE
Jerry, if anybody should be doing this,
it's you.
GEORGE
What *kind* of a person are you?
JERRY
I think I'm pretty much like you-- only
successful.
AGENCY REP
This is a wonderful thing you're doing.
They're so grateful
just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that
everyone who participates finds the experience extremely
rewarding.
GEORGE
Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin'
like a good person.
AGENCY REP
Good luck.
JERRY
Thank you.
GEORGE
Hey, what's your guy's name again?
JERRY
Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old.
*87*. How about your
guy?
GEORGE
Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll
make it to that age?
JERRY
*We*? No.
KRAMER
So what's up, Diggity Dog?
JERRY
George and I just signed up with the
Senior Citizen's Volunteer
Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.
KRAMER
Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I
didn't try to warn you.
JERRY
What're you talkin' about?
KRAMER
Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
It's a *con*. These agencies are usually
a front for some money
laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out
of
their life savings, oh *yeah*.
JERRY
Where do you *get* this?
KRAMER
The alternative media, Jerry. That's
where you hear the truth.
NEWMAN
Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?!
Kramer!!?
KRAMER
I'm in here. C'mon...
JERRY
Hello, *Newman*...
NEWMAN
Jerry, George. (To Kramer) So, did you
ask him about the records?
KRAMER
Well--
JERRY
What records?
KRAMER
Well, Newman and I are going partners
selling used records.
NEWMAN
You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker?
They pay big cash for used
records!
KRAMER
Yeah, so we thought if you had any of
those big, y'know, old-
fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--
KRAMER
Y'know, we'd take them off your hands,
free of charge.
GEORGE
Let me ask you something. What do you
do for a living, Newman?
NEWMAN
I'm a United States postal worker.
GEORGE
Aren't those the guys that always go
crazy and come back with a
gun and shoot everybody?
NEWMAN
Sometimes...
JERRY
Why *is* that?
NEWMAN
Because the mail never stops. It just
keeps coming and coming and
coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it
piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but
the
more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the
bar
code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!
RON
I'll give you five bucks.
KRAMER
Five bucks???
NEWMAN
Well, you know how much those records
are worth!?
RON
Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.
NEWMAN
Those records are worth more than five
dollars!
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) He's gyppin' us...
NEWMAN
You're gyppin' us!
RON
Well, whattya got here, y'know, you
got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu",
you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio
Mendes,
now come on...
KRAMER
Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has
a cult following.
NEWMAN
They follow him like a cult.
KRAMER
He can't even walk down the street in
South America...
RON
Look, that's his problem, alright? Now
you don't like it, too bad.
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) I don't like it...
NEWMAN
I don't like it.
RON
Well, then get the Hell out of my store,
alright? You bring me
something decent, I'll give you some money.
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) Alright, well be back,
jack.
NEWMAN
Alright, well be back... *jack*!
JERRY
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent
me.
HOUSEKEEPER
Agency?
JERRY
Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?
HOUSEKEEPER
Sid Fields.
SID
What the *Hell* is it?
JERRY
Mr. Fields?
SID
What!?!
JERRY
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent
me.
SID
Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?
JERRY
No, no, the--
SID
Who let you in here?
JERRY
The woman, she--
SID
Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals
my money. She says she
doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays
that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks
she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well,
I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as
Hell
wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...
JERRY
Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time
with you.
SID
Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I
know she's got a boyfriend.
Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud,
you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? (Jerry gets out card)
JERRY
No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--
SID
I can't read that you fool...
JERRY
What's all this stuff?
SID
Trash. Garbage.
JERRY
You're throwin' this out??
SID
I believe that's what you do with garbage,
you idiot.
JERRY
You don't want any of this?
SID
Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing
it away, *Ein-stein*.
JERRY
You know I have some friends who would
really like to have these.
SID
Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not
going to give it to my family.
JERRY
Well, do you want to go out for a walk,
get a cup of coffee...
SID
With you? I'd rather be dead.
JERRY
Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just
remembered I got an
appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.
SID
Good. Thank God. Good riddance. (pause)
Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper?
HAA!!
BEN
No, I feel great for 85.
GEORGE
Y'know the average life span for an
American male is like, 72.
You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.
BEN
I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think
about it.
GEORGE
You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot.
I think about it at my
age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age.
All
I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...
BEN
I'm grateful for every moment I have.
GEORGE
Grateful? How can you be grateful when
you're *so* close to the
end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all
be
over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting
on the
wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...
BEN
I guess I just don't care.
GEORGE
What are you talking about? How can
you sit there and look me in
the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have
any
*sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile
that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!
GEORGE
Wait a second, where are you going?
BEN
Life's too short to waste on you.
GEORGE
Wait a minute, please--
BEN
Get out of my way...
GEORGE
But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me
for the soup...
ELAINE
Mrs. Oliver?
MRS. O
Yes my dear.
ELAINE
Ooh!
MRS. O
What's the trouble? Are you alright?
ELAINE
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
MRS. O
It's my goiter, isn't it?
ELAINE
Did you say goiter? What goiter?
MRS. O
This football-shaped lump jutting out
the side of my neck.
ELAINE
Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh...
Whaddya know...
MRS. O
Does it bother you?
ELAINE
Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a
little goiter like that
bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um,
in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you
want to know something? I, I wish I had one. (pause) Really.
(END Act I)
JERRY
C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...
ELAINE
I don't know what I'm going to do. I
can't look the woman in the
face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start
talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they
send
YOU OVER THERE
"Oh, by the way, this woman *almost*
has a second
head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.
JERRY
They really should mention that in the
breakdown: height, weight,
goiter.
ELAINE
Y'know you try to do some good. You
want to be a good person but
this is too much to ask.
JERRY
Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather
talk to a goiter with a nice
disposition than the nut they sent me to.
ELAINE
Hey Georgie, what happened with your
guy?
GEORGE
I don't think it's gonna work out...
JERRY
Whattya mean?
GEORGE
He fired me.
JERRY
He fired you?!?
ELAINE
*How* do you get fired from a volunteer
job?
GEORGE
I dunno. I was just talking to the man
and he walked out on me!
JERRY
Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm
quitting. I hate my guy.
He's a mean, mean guy.
ELAINE
I wish I could quit...
JERRY
So quit!
GEORGE
Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one
of the few things I do well.
I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter,
my
grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
KRAMER
Well, here's your *albums* (Journey
"Escape" is on top, BTW...)
JERRY
What happened?
NEWMAN
Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.
KRAMER
Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening
to? You *embarrassed* me
at that store.
NEWMAN
That guy thought we were a couple of
total squares.
JERRY
Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even
go to the bathroom in
South America!
JERRY
Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums
this old guy I was
Jolson, Benny Goodman...
KRAMER
Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin
them out??
JERRY
Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend
could have them and he
said yeah.
Kramer Okay...
NEWMAN
(In Kramer's ear) The old coot's sittin'
on a mountain of gold!
KRAMER
Yeah...
JERRY
But you're going to have to go get em.
I'm not carryin' them
all.
KRAMER
Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.
JERRY
Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact
you should see this house
keeper he's got. She's from Senegal (and, ala Carson) Wild, Wild,
Stuff...
GEORGE
Senegal?
GEORGE
So you don't speak *any* English at
all?
HOUSEKEEPER
English? No.
SID
Hey, what are those bums doin' back
there?
JERRY
Well you said they could come and take
the records.
SID
It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas
goin' through the garbage.
GEORGE
You don't speak *any* English?
HOUSEKEEPER
No English.
GEORGE
I would like to dip my bald head in
oil and rub it all over
your body.
(No reaction) You don't understand! It's a miracle! You
don't understand because you don't speak English!
JERRY
So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this
arrangement is--
SID
Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around
here. I want all you bums
outta here.
KRAMER
Now calm down, Mr. Fields...
SID
Now don't tell me to calm down... Get
your hands off of me! Why you
little...
KRAMER
Oooow! He's biting me!
SID
My teeth! My teeth!
JERRY
Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!
GEORGE
I thought I saw something fly over here...
JERRY
Well turn the light on...
JERRY
That's the garbage disposal!
SID
My teeth! You idiots!!!
MRS. O
And we would take long automobile trips--
ELAINE
Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of
fun...
MRS. O
Staring out the window--
ELAINE
Uh huh...
MRS. O
You'd see a long view of rolling pastures
and--
ELAINE
Well, that'll get you goin' right there...
MRS. O
Big, roaming cows--
ELAINE
Cows, well that's fascinating...
MRS. O
That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.
ELAINE
What?
MRS. O
Mohandas.
ELAINE
Ghandhi?
MRS. O
Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--
ELAINE
You had an affair with Ghandhi?
MRS. O
He used to dip his bald head in oil
and rub it all over my body.
Here, look... (shows Elaine a picture of the two together)
ELAINE
Oh, my God... The Mohatma?
RON
Twenty bucks.
NEWMAN
Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your
mind?
RON
Well, take it or leave it.
NEWMAN
Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson*
here, *Al Jolson*!!
RON
Now what the Hell do I care about Al
Jolson. I'd just assume her
you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) This guy's nothin'
but a piece of crap...
NEWMAN
You are nothing but a piece of crap.
RON
Pardon me?
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) A piece of crap...
NEWMAN
A piece of crap.
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) I find you extremely
ugly...
NEWMAN
I find you extremely ugly.
RON
*Do* you?
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) You emit a foul and
unpleasant odour...
NEWMAN
You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.
RON
Oh, is that right?
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) I *loathe* you...
NEWMAN
I *loathe* you.
RON
That's it. Get out of my store!
KRAMER
(In Newman's ear) Make us.
NEWMAN
Make us!
RON
Oh, I'll make you!
AGENCY REP
Do you realize how irresponsible this
is? Our agency's sole
purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop
you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.
JERRY
Yes, but--
JERRY
(Into intercom) Yes?
TIM
It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.
JERRY
Alright, c'mon up.
JERRY
(To Rep) I dunno what happened, we were
just trying to take
him to the dentist.
AGENCY REP
Why were you taking him to the dentist?
JERRY
Um, well, his false teeth got mangled
up in the garbage
disposal--
AGENCY REP
What were his false teeth doing in the
garbage disposal?
JERRY
Well, after he bit my friend--
AGENCY REP
Bit your friend?!
TIM
What the *Hell* is going on here? How
do you *lose* a human
being?!
JERRY
I, I'm sorry.
TIM
And who were these other people. What
were they doing in the
apartment!?
JERRY
Well, I brought them up there to take
his records--
TIM
Take his *records*? Do you realize how
valuable that record
collection is?
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
There you are. Did you find him?
KRAMER
No, y'know we took the old man's records
over to Ron's and he
tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.
NEWMAN
It was a real melee.
KRAMER
Yeah, a real brouhaha...
Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.
THE END
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