THE PHONE MESSAGE
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Comedy club)
The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television
is
doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see
anybody on TV
like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip
crumbs on their
commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have
you seen them?
"We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing,
flying through
the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there
and you're
watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're
advertising
right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs,
jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm
putting too much
ice in mine."
GEORGE
So then, as we were leaving, we were
just kind of standing there,
and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted
me to ask her
out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means.
Sometimes I
interpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't
know if I'm
supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood
there like -
remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy
line? - that's what
I looked like.
JERRY
So you didn't ask?
GEORGE
No, I froze.
JERRY
(Points to counter) Counter.
GEORGE
Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour
later I'm back in the office,
I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call
her". I says "I
can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask
a woman out I
gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they
break the bricks.
So Lloyd calls me a wuss.
JERRY
He said wuss?
GEORGE
Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.
JERRY
So you called. (They sit at counter)
GEORGE
Right. And, and to cover my nervousness
I started eating an apple,
because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of
the phone, it
makes you sound casual.
JERRY
Yeah, like a farm boy.
GEORGE
Right. So I call her up, I tell her
it's me, she gives me an
enthusiastic 'Hi!'
JERRY
Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful.
GEORGE
Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!',
I'm outta there.
JERRY
Alright, so you're chewing your apple,
you got your enthusiastic
'Hi!' Go ahead.
GEORGE
So, we're talking, and I don't like
to go too long before I ask them
out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out
"What are you
doing Saturday night?"
JERRY
And?
GEORGE
She bought.
JERRY
Great day in the morning.
GEORGE
Then I got off the phone right away.
JERRY
Sure, it's like robbing a bank: you
don't loiter around in front of
the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit
and get out.
GEORGE
It's amazing: we, we both have dates
on the same night. I can't
remember the last time that happened.
George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George
and his date
CAROL
GEORGE
I can't stand doing laundry. That's
why I have forty pairs of
underwear.
CAROL
You do not.
GEORGE
Absolutely. Because instead of doing
a wash, I just keep buying
underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair.
That way, I
only have to do wash once a year.
(They both laugh)
Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry
and his
GIRLFRIEND DONNA
JERRY
(In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on,
try it. Let me hear you try
a Scottish accent.
DONNA
That's Irish.
JERRY
Irish, Scottish, what's the difference,
lassie?
(Donna laughs)
DONNA
So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great.
GEORGE
Yeah. We should do this again.
DONNA
Would you like to come upstairs for
some coffee?
GEORGE
Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee
late at night, it keeps me up.
DONNA
(Looks disappointed) So, um, OK.
GEORGE
OK.
DONNA
Goodnight.
GEORGE
Yeah, take it easy.
(Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes
his
forehead in disgust)
DONNA
Thanks again for the movie.
JERRY
You're welcome.
DONNA
I'd invite you up, but the place is
being painted.
JERRY
Oh, that's OK.
DONNA
Unless you want to go to your place.
JERRY
OK, but there's no cake or anything,
if that's what you're looking
for.
GEORGE
Take it easy, huh, take it easy.
JERRY
I think if one's going to kill oneself,
the least you could do is
leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just
the way I was
brought up.
DONNA
Values are very important.
JERRY
Oh, so important. So what are you doing
Thursday night - you wanna
have dinner?
DONNA
Thursday's great. (Moves closer)
JERRY
(Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why
do I buy tan pants, Donna? I
don't feel comfortable in them.
DONNA
Are those Cotton Dockers?
JERRY
Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much
I hate that commercial.
DONNA
Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry
pauses)
JERRY
You like that commercial?
DONNA
Yeah, it's clever.
JERRY
Now wait a second, you mean the one
where the guys are all standing
around, supposedly being very casual and witty?
DONNA
Yeah, that's the one.
JERRY
What could you possibly like about that?
DONNA
I don't know, I like the guys.
JERRY
Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable
with each other, and I
could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit
on a porch and
wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.
DONNA
Hey, I know guys like that. To me the
dialogue rings true.
JERRY
(Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue
did ring true. Even if
somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that
have to do with
the pants? Doesn't that bother you?
DONNA
(Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea.
That's what's clever about
it, that they're not talking about the pants.
JERRY
But they're talking about nothing.
DONNA
That's the point.
JERRY
I know the point.
DONNA
No one is telling you to like it.
JERRY
I mean, all those quick shots of the
pants, just pants, pants,
pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?
(Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch)
JERRY MONOLOGUE
What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each
other
through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms
of the future,
you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the
guy'll be like
'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven
eyebrows for the
rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy,
thinking 'What
is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this
for the rest of my
life?'
JERRY
I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday,
but can I go out with
someone who actually likes this commercial?
ELAINE
I once broke up with a guy because he
didn't keep his bathroom clean
enough.
JERRY
No kidding. Did you tell him that was
the reason?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You
would not have believed his
TUB
germs were building a town in there
- they were constructing offices.
Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.
(George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag)
ELAINE
Hi.
(George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag,
places
them on counter)
JERRY
You're still thinking about this?
GEORGE
(While preparing bicarb) She invites
me up at twelve o clock at
night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't
want coffee, it
keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to
her. People
this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what
she must think
of me.
JERRY
She thinks you're a guy that doesn't
like coffee.
GEORGE
She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee,
coffee is sex.
ELAINE
Maybe coffee was coffee.
GEORGE
Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's
not coffee at twelve o clock at
night.
ELAINE
Well some people drink coffee that late.
GEORGE
Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're
on twenty-four hour missile
kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing
great."
ELAINE
It's all in your head. All she knows
is she had a good time. I
think you should call her.
GEORGE
I can't call her now, it's too soon.
I'm planning a Wednesday call.
ELAINE
Oh, why? I love it when guys call me
the next day.
GEORGE
Of course you do, but you're imagining
a guy you like, not a guy who
goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night."
If I call
her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy.
Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel,
a
kaiser, a tsar.
ELAINE
All she'll think is that you like her.
GEORGE
Yes, she wants me to like her, if she
likes me, but she doesn't like
me!
ELAINE
I don't know what your parents did to
you.
(Kramer enters, points at Jerry)
KRAMER
Hey, I just thought of a really funny
thing for your act. Alright,
you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever
notice how cars
here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances
anymore.
Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well,
sorry buddy,
you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes
and sauages
for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you
gonna use it?
JERRY
I don't think so.
KRAMER
It's funny.
ELAINE
It is funny.
KRAMER
That's as good as anything you do.
GEORGE
Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody
out, come on.
JERRY
Why do we have to leave?
GEORGE
Because I can't call a woman with other
people in the room. Come
on, let's go.
ELAINE
Oh, see, this is the problem.
JERRY
You're kicking me out of my house?
GEORGE
Yes.
ELAINE
Don't forget.
GEORGE
Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?
JERRY
Don't do the apples. That's enough already
with the apples.
(Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials
phone)
PHONE
Hi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you.
(Beep)
GEORGE
Uhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza,
remember me? The guy that
didn't come up for coffee.
You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ...
well,
whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh
boy, uhm, so,
you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever
you wanna do.
Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy.
(Hangs up. Jerry enters)
JERRY
I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet
you downstairs. What's the
matter, did you call?
(Elaine enters)
GEORGE
Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead
man. That's it. I'm dead,
I'm a dead man. Dead man.
JERRY
What did you say?
GEORGE
I don't know what the hell I said. I
gave her an ultimatum and
there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is
blinking right
NOW
'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody,
the idiot's on!'
JERRY
After one date you try and improvise
on her machine?
GEORGE
Now I'm in the worst position of all.
ELAINE
Y'know, my brother-in-law once left
a message on this guy's machine,
and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed
to, and it would
have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and
when the guy
came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.
GEORGE
He did that?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
Somebody did that?
JERRY
She'll call you back. You're overreacting.
JERRY
Not once.
DONNA
Never?
JERRY
I have never seen one episode of 'I
Love Lucy' in my life ever.
DONNA
That's amazing.
JERRY
Thank you.
DONNA
Is there anything else about you I should
know?
JERRY
Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.
DONNA
Really?
JERRY
I have no patience for lactose. And
I won't stand for it. Uhm,
I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom)
(George enters)
GEORGE
Wait till you hear this (sees Donna).
Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I
didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave)
DONNA
Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom.
GEORGE
I just wanted to talk to him for a minute,
but I'll come back.
DONNA
You don't have to leave.
GEORGE
You sure?
DONNA
Yes.
GEORGE
OK.
DONNA
I'm Donna.
GEORGE
Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes
that commercial!
DONNA
He told you about that.
GEORGE
No, he, he didn't actually tell me that,
uh, we were talking about
that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like
that commercial.
No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses
anything.
He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him..
(Jerry re-
enters)
DONNA
(To Jerry) So you go around telling
your friends I'm not hip
because I like that commercial.
JERRY
What? (To George) What did, what did
you say?
GEORGE
Say? What? Nothing, I..
DONNA
You told him how I like the commercial.
JERRY
Well, so what if I said that?
DONNA
Well, so, you didn't have to tell your
friends.
JERRY
No, I had to tell my friends, my friends
didn't have to tell you.
GEORGE
(To Donna) Why did you have to get me
in trouble?
DONNA
I don't like you talking about me with
your friends behind my back.
GEORGE
Boy oh boy.
JERRY
I said I couldn't believe you liked
that commercial. So what?
DONNA
I asked some friends of mine this week,
and all of them liked the
commercial.
JERRY
Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin
round table there.
(Kramer enters)
K Hey.
JERRY
Oh, Kramer, this is Donna.
k Oh. Cotton Dockers!
GEORGE
Hello! Alright, we should be going.
Come on .(Grabs Kramer)
k What? Where are we going?
GEORGE
Come on!
DONNA
Don't bother, I'm leaving.
JERRY
Donna, really, you're making too much
of this.
K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers,
they're just
pants!
JERRY
Please, Donna.
DONNA
I don't wanna hear it.(Leaves)
GEORGE
I can't believe I said that. You know
me, I'm a vault.
JERRY
Don't worry about it, it wasn't working
anyway.
k What happened there?
JERRY
I'll tell you later.
GEORGE
You are not gonna believe what's going
on with this woman.
GEORGE
OK, so you remember I made the initial
call Sunday, she doesn't call
back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday,
I get the
MACHINE AGAIN
"I know you're there, I don't know what
your story is."
Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes
on, and fly
like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get the
nerve? You
invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four
days? I don't
like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more
shot at the
coffee just so I could spit it in your face."
JERRY
You said that?
GEORGE
I lost it.
JERRY
I can't blame you. I can't believe she
never called you back.
GEORGE
She did. Today.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
She called my office. She said she's
been in the Hamptons since
Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with
her. Her machine
broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have
the beeper for
it.
JERRY
So she didn't get the messages.
GEORGE
Exactly, but they're on there waiting.
She said she can't wait to
see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me
as soon as she
gets home.
JERRY
But what about the messages?
(George produces cassette tape from pocket)
JERRY
Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in?
GEORGE
I'll meet her outside the building.
JERRY
But you know as soon as she gets in
the apartment she's going right
for that machine.
GEORGE
Or she goes for the bathroom. That's
my only chance. Who am I
kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know
how to work those
stupid machines.
JERRY
There's nothing to it. You lift the
lid, it comes right out.
GEORGE
You do it for me.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Come on, it'll be so much easier.
JERRY
How you gonna get me up there?
GEORGE
I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm
giving you a ride uptown.
JERRY
And who makes the switch?
GEORGE
You do.
JERRY
I do.
GEORGE
I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy.
JERRY
I can't get involved in this.
GEORGE
I think I may be in love with this woman.
JERRY
What if she sees me?
GEORGE
Oh, you are such a wuss.
JERRY
A wuss?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Did you call me a wuss?
GEORGE
Well there is traffic. It might take
her till eight-fifteen.
JERRY
I got one problem: you're keeping her
busy in the other room. Now,
what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You
have to signal me
that she's coming.
GEORGE
A signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the
signal is, I'll call out 'Tippy
toe!'
JERRY
'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so.
GEORGE
You don't like 'Tippy toe?'
JERRY
No 'Tippy toe.'
GEORGE
Alright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll
sing.
JERRY
What song?
GEORGE
Erm, 'How do you solve a problem like
Maria?'
JERRY
What is that?
GEORGE
Oh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How
do you solve a problem like
Maria?
JERRY
Anything else?
GEORGE
You pick it.
JERRY
'Lemon Tree'
GEORGE
Peter, Paul and Mary.
JERRY
No, Trini Lopez.
BOTH
(Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and
a lemon flower
GEORGE
You got the tape?
JERRY
(Produces tapes) Standard. Micro.
GEORGE
How do you feel? Confident?
JERRY
Feel good.
GEORGE
You nervous?
JERRY
Not at all.
GEORGE
Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell
with this, I'm scared to
death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go!
(Carol arrives)
GEORGE
Hey! What are you doing here? I thought
I was supposed to call you
when I got home.
GEORGE
I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious
to see you.
CAROL
Oh, that's so sweet.
GEORGE
Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld.
I just bumped into him
around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing
is, I see him all
the time.
JERRY
All the time.
CAROL
It's nice to meet you.
JERRY
Hi.
CAROL
So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna
eat?
GEORGE
You know, we could go uptown, and that
way we could give Jerry a
ride home.
CAROL
OK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you
park?
GEORGE
Don't you wanna go upstairs first?
CAROL
No, what for? I'll just give my bag
to the doorman.
JERRY
You know, I really need to use the bathroom.
CAROL
Oh well there's a bathroom in the coffee
shop just next door.
GEORGE
Yes, yes, but er, I have to make a call,
so...
CAROL
Well they have a phone.
(George takes Carol to one side)
GEORGE
I know Jerry. He has this phobia about
public toilets. I think we
really should go upstairs.
CAROL
(Aloud) You know, I think I will go
upstairs. I can check my
machine.
GEORGE
Right, right.
(They enter building)
CAROL
The bathroom's on the hall to the right.
JERRY
Er, you know, why don't you go first,
you just had a long trip.
CAROL
No, I'm fine.
JERRY
Uhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest
thing, it went away.
CAROL
Oh that's weird.
GEORGE
No, no that can happen. I've, er, I've
read about that in medical
journals. It's a freak thing, but...
CAROL
Well, let me just check my messages,
and we'll go.
GEORGE
Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second?
Right now.
CAROL
Sure.
GEORGE
Please, this is very, very important.
(Leads her to other room)
(Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape)
GEORGE
(Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy
toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree!
(Carol reappears followed by George)
CAROL
(To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're
a comedian. I've seen
you, it's driving me crazy.
JERRY
Right. I am.
GEORGE
Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious,
just for a moment, if
you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry.
(George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes)
JERRY
(Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go.
(George and Carol return)
CAROL
That's what you had to tell me? Your
father wears sneakers in the
pool?
GEORGE
(To Jerry) Don't you find that strange?
JERRY
Yes.
CAROL
Well, I'll just check my machine and
we'll go. No, nothing here,
let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today
my neighbour
called me and played my messages to me over the phone.
GEORGE
Oh, uhhh...
CAROL
Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking
up. I just love jokes
like that.
(All three leave)
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish
if I saw
somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse
me, I'm not
in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk
away." I also
have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because
you can't slam
down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone
- "You can't
talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody
on a cordless
phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing)
"I
told him!"
THE END
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