THE PICK
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry's Apartment)
GEORGE
I loved her Jerry, I loved her.
JERRY
No, you didn't.
GEORGE
And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really
did.
JERRY
No she didn't.
GEORGE
What am I going to do now? I can't live
without Susan. I gotta get her back.
How? How, am I gonna get her back?
ELAINE
(OC) Not only didn't you love her, you
didn't even like her.
GEORGE
Who says?
ELAINE
You did.
GEORGE
Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent
woman's in love with me and I throw
it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend
the rest of my life living alone. I'll
sit in my disgusting little apartment
watching basketball games, eating Chinese
take out. Walking around with no underwear.
Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry.
JERRY
You walk around with no underwear?
GEORGE
Yeah, what do you do when you run out
of laundry?
JERRY
I do a wash.
GEORGE
Who am I going to meet who is better
than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better
than her.
JERRY
When you were with her you said you
couldn't stand her.
GEORGE
I loved her!
JERRY
You said goin up the steps of her apartment
was like being taken to a cell.
GEORGE
I would give anything to be going up
those stairs again.
GEORGE
I gotta call her. Should I call her?
JERRY
George, I don't know if that is such
a good idea?
GEORGE
Whyie?
JERRY
You need some professional advice. Why
don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's
a therapist.
GEORGE
I'm not going to see that nut doctor
she went to Europe with.
JERRY
No, no no (Elaine enters, flossing teeth)
Elaine what's the name of that friend
of yours ... that's a therapist ...
the woman.
ELAINE
Dana Folley.
JERRY
Right, Dana Folley.
GEORGE
She any good?
ELAINE
Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking
of going?
GEORGE
Wa, uh, ...
ELAINE
Tia? Who's that?
JERRY
She's the model I met on the plane.
ELAINE
She sent you a Christmas card?
JERRY
Um uh. And we're going out Saturday
night.
GEORGE
My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!!
(They ignore George)
JERRY
What are you doing?
ELAINE
... date with Fred.
JERRY
The religious guy?
ELAINE
He's not THAT religious.
JERRY
Let us pray.
(Kramer Enters)
KRAMER
Hey, you got any Double Crunch?
JERRY
Yeah.
JERRY
Kramer, should I call Susan?
KRAMER
Now what does the little man inside
you say? See you gotta listen to the
little man.
GEORGE
My little man doesn't know.
KRAMER
The little man knows all.
GEORGE
My little man's an idiot.
ELAINE
See, she was clever. You know she put
her picture on a card. I should do that.
I never do anything like that.
KRAMER
You want a picture like that on a Christmas
card? I can do that for you. ...
GEORGE
She kept such a nice clean apartment.
She was so sanitary.
ELAINE
No, no, I was just thinking out loud
I don't want my picture on a card.
KRAMER
No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll
take care of everything.
GEORGE
She made a big breakfast every Sunday.
I don't know what she put in those eggs.
KRAMER
All right, ... now, you come on over.
I'll have my cereal and I'll take your
picture.
ELAINE
Really? Can you really take a picture?
JERRY
Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures.
He's got equipment over there.
ELAINE
All right, ha ha
KRAMER
I don't know about that outfit though.
ELAINE
Why? What's wrong with it?
KRAMER
Well, we'll have to improvise.
(Elaine and Kramer exit)
GEORGE
(singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see
the most beautiful girl who walked out
on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her
I need my baby ... oh won't you tell
her ... I love her. Oh hey, ...
JERRY
George I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
(Change of Scne Tia at Jerry's)
JERRY
So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical
fish tank right here.
TIA
Are you sure you're ready for that kind
of comitment?
JERRY
Well, I figure if it doesn't work out
I can always flush them down the toilet.
TIA
That's horrible!
JERRY
What's that perfume you're wearing?
TIA
oh I completely forgot I want you to
see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was
telling you about came out today.
JERRY
What is that smell?
TIA
It's here somewhere.
JERRY
It smells like the beach.
TIA
Exactly.
JERRY
Oh my God is that the new perfume?
TIA
Yeah.
JERRY
I can't believe this. My next door neighbour
had the idea for this exact perfume
last year. He even met with an executive
at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they
stole his idea.
TIA
Are you sure?
JERRY
And you're the model for this perfume?
(Noise)
JERRY
Uh, that's him. He just came home. ...
Uh, the door (Jerry pushes his door
against Kramer's entrance)
KRAMER
Hey
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey, how ya' doing? (Trying to enter)
JERRY
Yeah, uh, I'll see you later.
KRAMER
I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster.
JERRY
All right come on in. ... Just wait
over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get
it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia.
KRAMER
Hello.
(Jerry pushes tia back away from Kramer)
KRAMER
How tall are you?
TIA
Five ten.
KRAMER
Come on lets see - Back to Back.
JERRY
NO! Kramer!
KRAMER
What's the matter with you? I just wanted
to see how tall she was.
JERRY
Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall.
What's the difference who's tall. We're
all tall.
KRAMER
What's that?
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
That smell. What's that smell?
JERRY
(starting the Dust Buster) What smell?
KRAMER
It's very familiar. I can't put my finger
on it. It's very familiar.
JERRY
Oh, they're all the same. Here. (gives
him Dust Buster) Now if you'll excuse
us, ..
KRAMER
Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow
uh?
JERRY
Okay.
KRAMER
Yeah. Nice meeting you.
TIA
Nice meeting you too.
JERRY
I'll see you later.
(Kramer slowly leaves as Jerry shuts door on him)
JERRY
Ooow, that was close.
KRAMER
(OC) THE BEACH!!!
(enters)
KRAMER
You smell like the beach. What's the
name of that perfume? you're wearing.
TIA
It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.
KRAMER
CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea.
They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had
the idea of a cologne that makes you
smell like you just came from the beach.
JERRY
I know look at this (shows ad)
KRAMER
Whooo, ... That's you! What is going
on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me
then he steals my idea. I could have
been a millionaire. I could have been
a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ...
They're not going to get away with this.
(End of scene)
(Therapist's Office)
(George enters)
DANA
Hello. George, come in. Come in I've
heard an awful lot about you. Please
sit down.
GEORGE
Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the
reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know
uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke
up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks
ago. Actually she broke up with me (struggling
with his coat zipper) and uh, well,
I was the cause of it and uh, I just
wanted to find out from you ... What's
with this thing?
DANA
So uh, she broke up with you? ...
GEORGE
Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down?
DANA
It's all right don't worry about it.
So, why did she break up with you?
GEORGE
What is with this damn zipper?
DANA
It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later.
Tell me about your girlfriend.
GEORGE
It's stuck on a piece of cloth here.
I can't get the cloth out.
DANA
It doesn't matter, so ...
GEORGE
This is a brand new jacket. Boy this
really burns me up, ...
DANA
George, George, look at me. Okay, forget
about the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's
name?
GEORGE
... Susan.
DANA
Okay, we're getting somewhere.
GEORGE
UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating.
It's a brand new jacket.
(Jerry's Apartment)
ELAINE
Anyway so Fred and I are going to do
some volunteer work for that Church
on Amsterdam.
JERRY
Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what
I like about the holiday season. That's
the true spirit of Christmas. People
being helped by people other than me.
That makes me feel good inside. Look
at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas
card from Laine. You didn't have to
go to all that trouble.
ELAINE
It was no trouble. My assistant did
the whole thing.
JERRY
I didn't even see the picture. How did
it come out?
ELAINE
Well, you know. It's a picture?
JERRY
Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer
did a good job.
ELAINE
Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a
picture?
JERRY
... um ...
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Did you look at look at this picture
carefully?
ELAINE
Carefully?
JERRY
Because I'm not sure and and and correct
me if I'm wrong but I think I see ...
a nipple.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Here. Take a look. What, what is that?
ELAINE
(gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple.
JERRY
That's what I thought.
ELAINE
That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed.
I sent this card to hundreds of people!
My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa.
JERRY
DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE?
ELAINE
Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am
I going to do? You know your whole life
you go through painstaking efforts to
hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly
hundreds of people get their own personal
shot of it.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey!
ELAINE
Have you seen the card?
KRAMER
What card?
ELAINE
This car.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it.
ELAINE
Well did you notice anything unusual
about it?
KRAMER
No.
ELAINE
Well come here and take a look.
KRAMER
Yeah, so?
ELAINE
So, what's that?
KRAMER
That's a nipple.
ELAINE
Right!!
KRAMER
Ooo!
ELAINE
Aw, great!? Didn't you see that?
KRAMER
Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh,
ELAINE
It's because you made me wear that stupid
shirt.
JERRY
Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't
notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll
see if he sees it.
ELAINE
No. I don't want him looking.
JERRY
Oh what's the difference. Everybody
else you know has it.
ELAINE
Oh my God. I sent one to the super in
my building. My mailman. My ten year
old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine.
Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent
one to Fred.
(Jerry enters with Newman)
NX
Okay. What is it?
JERRY
Take a look at this card. Tell me if
you notice anything unusual about it.
NX
Your nipple's showing.
JERRY
Okay. Thanks.
NX
Anything else?
JERRY
No.
NX
All right. See you later.
JERRY
What? So what? It's a nipple. A little
round circular protuberance. What's
the big deal? See everybody's got them.
See I got them.
KRAMER
I got them too.
JERRY
Everybody's got them.
(Therapist's Office)
DANA
You see it's kind of got a little piece
of cloth that's slipped underneath and
it's ...
GEORGE
Pull it up a little bit.
DANA
Uhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn
It! I can't move it. God, I've never
seen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT!
I almost had it.
GEORGE
Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate.
DANA
No. Let me try...
GEORGE
Take it right off the chest...
DANA
Ugh, ..
GEORGE
You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip
it.
DANA
YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid
we're going to have to stop.
GEORGE
Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay
for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine?
DANA
Yeah.
GEORGE
(stares at card)
(Jerry's car - BMW)
(Jerry scratching right side of nose. Tia in a cab sees him,
in shock. Cab pulls away.)
JERRY
No, No, No, No, Oh, No.
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Jerry hanging up phone)
JERRY
Well every day for the past four days
she hasn't returned one call.
GEORGE
Was it a scratch or a pick?
JERRY
It was a scratch.
GEORGE
Hey. It's me.
JERRY
Don't you think I know the difference
between a pick and a scratch?
(Buzzer)
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
(OC) It's me.
JERRY
Come on up.
GEORGE
Was there any nostril penetration?
JERRY
There may have been some incidental
penetration. But from her angle she
was in no position to make the call.
GEORGE
So let's say in her mind she witnessed
a pick. Okay, so then what?
JERRY
Is that so unforgivable? Is that like
breaking a commandment? Did God say
to Moses thou shalt not pick?
GEORGE
I guarantee you that Moses was a picker.
You wander throughh the desert for forty
years with that dry air. ... You telling
me you're not going to have occasion
to clean house a little bit.
JERRY
Let me ask you something. If you were
going out with somebody and if she did
that what would, would you do? Would
you continue going out with her?
GEORGE
No. That's disgusting!
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
You cannot believe what I'm going through.
That card is plastered all over the
office. Everybody is calling me, Nip!
... Yeah. That's my new nickname at
the office. Nip! These guys keep asking
me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred,
you know the guy I told you about? He
hasn't called me in three days. ...
(sees card) Oh please!
GEORGE
Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas
card? Everybody else got one. Jerry
got one, Kramer got one. I thought we
were good friends. I don't get a Christmas
card. I don't get it.
ELAINE
You want a Christmas card? You want
a Christmas card? All right here. (rubs
George's head on her breasts) Here's
your Christmas card.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Got any Double Crunch?
JERRY
yeah. I think I do.
KRAMER
What's that perfume?
ELAINE
What, Ocean.
KRAMER
That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry
you've got to get that model to get
me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN.
JERRY
I can't She won't return my calls because
she caught me in a pick at a light.
KRAMER
I thought you said it was a scratch.
JERRY
But that's not what she thinks.
GEORGE
Why don't you call her agency. Maybe
she's been out of town and she didn't
get the calls.
JERRY
All right. I'll call the agency. (Elaine
grabs card from George) Hello. Yes,
I'm trying to get in touch with Tia
Van Camp. Do you know if she's been
in town? She's been in town. Oh really.
well thank you very much. (hangs up)
She has been in town. She's at CALVIN
KLEIN's right now.
KRAMER
Let's go.
(Monk's)
GEORGE
It'll be different this time.
SUSAN
I need someone a little more stable.
GEORGE
I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take
these glasses off, you can't tell the
difference between me and a rock. I
put these glasses on a rock. You know
what jumps into most people's minds?
Costanza!
SUSAN
People don't change.
GEORGE
I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried
a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before.
Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there
and I'm loving it.
SUSAN
I'm not a soft boiled egg.
GEORGE
And I am not a piece of toast.
SUSAN
I just don't think we have anything
in common.
GEORGE
That's okay. That's good. You think
Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything
in common? He was in the fields all
day with the cows, you know with the
milk, examining the milk, delving into
milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization,
Homogenization, She was in the kitchen
killing cockroaches with a boot on each
hand.
SUSAN
Why were there so many cockroaches?
GEORGE
Because. There was a lot of cake lying
around the house. Just sitting there
going with all the excess milk from
all the experiments (grins)
SUSAN
And they got along?
GEORGE
Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know
about Pasteurization. He didn't know
anout Fumigation. But they made it work!
(Trump Towers)
KRAMER
I want to talk to Calvin.
SECRETARY
You can't go in there.
KRAMER
Let me talk to Calvin.
(Kramer enters office)
TIA
Kramer?
KRAMER
Yeah, uh.
CALVIN KLEIN
Who are you?
KRAMER
I'm here to talk about the ocean.
CALVIN KLEIN
Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something
about this. Will you excuse us Tia?
(Tia leaves)
KRAMER
Now I don't want any trouble Calvin.
CALVIN KLEIN
Neither do I.
(Outside office)
JERRY
Hello there you are.
TIA
What are you doing here?
JERRY
Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed
you haven't been returning my calls.
TIA
Well, I've been busy.
JERRY
Because I - I thought we had a good
time the other night, an' the only explanation
I can come up with is that you think
that you caught me (flustered, he
indicates a nose pick)
TIA
(Waving him off) I'd rather not talk
about this..
JERRY
But I was clearly on the outer edge
of the nostril.
TIA
I know what I saw. (Turns toward the
elevators)
JERRY
But there - but there was no pick! I
- I did not pick! There ws no piick!
TIA
I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from
Jerry)
JERRY
No! No pick!
(Scene ends)
Calvin Klein's office)
(Kramer, standing, is talking with Klein)
KRAMER
All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey.
I, uh, I came in here last January to
talk to one of your ffflunkies..
KLEIN
(Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face..
KRAMER
Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea
about the beach cologne, you know, he
- he laughed at me.
KLEIN
You're very lithe, aren't you? Very
graceful.
KRAMER
Well, yeah.
KLEIN
Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one
side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably)
You're very lean, but muscular..
KRAMER
You know, I try to take care of myself.
I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently
I cut out fructose.
KLEIN
You're spectacular.
KRAMER
(Flattered) Oh?
(Scene ends)
Elaine's office)
(Elaine's fighting with her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas
card)
ELAINE
I told you, Fred - my friend's next
door neighbor took it.
FRED
(Incredulous) Soo - what happened?!
ELAINE
Well, I-I-I must a missed a button.
I forgot to button it.
FRED
I really don't see how you could miss
a button like that.
ELAINE
Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone
rings, she puts it on speakerphone)
Yeah?..
RECEPTIONIST
Your sister, Gail.
ELAINE
Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone
and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu..
yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.
CO-WORKER
(Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey,
Nip, ya need that manuscript or can
I take it home?
ELAINE
Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling
me "Nip"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly
leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone)
It was an accident! Well..
well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress.
(Scene ends)
Susan's apartment building)
(George and Susan are slowly making their way up the stars to
Susan's apartment. He's treating it very much like the long walk
to an execution; she's mellow and
happy)
(Scene ends)
Calvin Klein's office)
(A couple people are sitting with Klein, and talking. Kramer
is no where in sight)
WOMAN
About the focus group? I had nothing
to do with the focus group. What's your
point? (She sees Kramer emerge from
another room. He's wearing only
dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic..
an' without a trace of self-consciousness!
KLEIN
His buttocks are sublime!
MAN
Of course, his pectorals could use a
little work - I suppose we could get
him into the weight room.
WOMAN
(Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No,
let's get him in the studio today. We
can send these out immediately.
(Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to lean
on it, but the corner is rounded, and he slides along it, eventually
falling down. Fortunately, the other
people don't notice - they're talking amongst themselves)
MAN
You've done it again, C.K.!
(Scene ends)
Calvin Klein office building)
(In a hallway, Tia and others are waiting for the elevator. Jerry,
deciding to make a speach, starts to preach to the crowd)
JERRY
An' what if I did do it? Even though
I admit to nothing, and never will.
What does that make me? And I'm not
here just defending myself but all those
Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each
an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation
because of people like you..
(Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing
them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator
doors shut. A few people in the
hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am
not an animal!
(Scene ends)
Elaine's office)
(Elaine's standing in the doorway, yelling at Fred)
ELAINE
I did not bare myself deliberately,
but I tell you, I wish now that I had!
(Fred, shocked by her speech, flees.
She calls after him, still standing
at the hallway) Because it is not me
that has been exposed, but you! For
I have seen the nipple on your soul!
(Scene ends)
(Monk's)
GX
So the minute I started up the steps
to her apartment I knew I made a terrible
mistake. Going back with her. So we're
in her apartment she goes into the bathroom.
I'm cursing myself; now how do I get
out of this? Then it hits me like a
bolt of lightening. The pick.
JERRY
The pick?
ELAINE
The pick?
GEORGE
She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in
up to my wrist. You should have seen
the look on her face.
JERRY
I think I've seen that look.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
I've got the magazine. The underwear
ad came out.
JERRY
Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.
GEORGE
Your buttocks are spectacular.
ELAINE
Oh my!
KRAMER
What?
ELAINE
I'm not sure but... I think I see your...
THE END
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