THE PILOT PART 1
Written by
Larry David
(night club)
JERRY
To me, the whole concept of fear of
success is proof that we are definitely
scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings
for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my
name is Bill, and the one thing I'm
worried about is to have a stereo and
a cream-colored couch." According to
most studies, people's number-one fear
is public speaking. Number two is death.
*Death* is number two! Now, this means
to the average person, if you have to
go to a funeral, you're better off in
the casket than doing the eulogy.
(Jerry's)
(Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer)
KRAMER
Why can't I play Kramer?
JERRY
Look we've been through this already.
You're not an actor!
KRAMER
Neither are you.
JERRY
I know. So why do we need two people
in the show that can't act?
KRAMER
Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to
act. You say something, I'll pretend
it's funny.
JERRY
My grandmother's in the hospital.
KRAMER
Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the
hospital!
JERRY
This is real believable.
KRAMER
What you didn't think I was really laughing?
JERRY
It stinks.
KRAMER
Let me see you do it.
JERRY
Say something funny.
KRAMER
Alright. I've never been to Mars but
I imagine it's quite lovely.
JERRY
Ah..........
KRAMER
Mine was better than that! Come on look.
(starts to laugh again, Jerry too)
(George enters while they're both laughing)
GEORGE
Why are two pretending to be laughing?
JERRY
We're acting. (they stop laughing)
GEORGE
Oh, real good. (George makes a face
like: you stink) Any word from NBC?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
I don't understand. They're supposed
to be casting this week. Something's
wrong. Maybe they're not doing it.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.
JERRY
(to George) He wants to play Kramer
in the Pilot.
KRAMER
(to George) Yeah!
GEORGE
Out of the question.
KRAMER
Oughh!
GEORGE
(to Jerry) How could we not hear anything?
What's with this Russel? What's he doing?
(Jerry raises his arms and shoulders
like: he doesn't know)
(scene ends)
(Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant)
(Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table)
RUSSELL
I really appreciate you coming.
ELAINE
Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time
though. So...
RUSSELL
All right, first of all, I want to apologize
for all the phone calls. It's just--It's
just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand,
we went out once...
ELAINE
That was two months ago.
RUSSELL
Yes I know. I just-- I can't get you
out of my mind. Ever since that-- that
day in the restaurant when we met...
(we see a flashback from 'The Shoes'
of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking
Russell for his Ketchup secret)
ELAINE
Russell, you are the president of NBC.
You can have any woman you want. (picks
up the bowl of munchies on the table)
RUSSELL
But I want you.
ELAINE
God I hate these mixtures. Why don't
they just put pretzels on the table.
Even peanuts would be good, but I don't
know how eats these cheesy things (she
does).
RUSSELL
Is it something I said... or did?
ELAINE
Um... Look Russell... You're a very
sweet guy. But I got to be honest with
you. I don't like television... and
that's your world. That's your life.
I mean maybe if you were in... I don't
know... Greenpeace or something, that
would be different, but network television...
I mean, come on, Russell, you're part
of the problem.
RUSSELL
Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very
interesting things right now. We've
got some very exciting pilots for next
season. We have one with a bright young
comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
ELAINE
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him.
He's that "Did you ever notice this?
Did you ever notice that?" guy.
RUSSELL
Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking
show.
ELAINE
Really? What is it about?
RUSSELL
(a little more enthusiast) Well, really,
it's very unusual. It's about nothing.
ELAINE
(surprised) What do you mean it's about
nothing?
RUSSELL
(starts doing George at the first meeting
with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example,
what did you do today?
ELAINE
Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then
I came here.
RUSSELL
There's a show. that's a show.
ELAINE
Russell, see, I'm really not interested
in this stuff and I do have to go to
work (she gets up). So...
RUSSELL
(stops doing George, he's down again)
Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna
see each other again.
ELAINE
I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye.
(Russell, still sitting watches her
leaving).
(scene ends)
(Jerry's)
(back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George.
Jerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back
into his apartment)
JERRY
Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey!
It's for you.
GEORGE
He's getting phone calls here now? (he's
standing near the counter and eating
chips out of a big bag)
(Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone)
JERRY
(to George) Again with the sweat pants?
GEORGE
What? I'm comfortable.
JERRY
You know the message you're sending
out to the world with these sweat pants?
You're telling the world: "I give up.
I can't compete in normal society. I'm
miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
(George is baffled)
KRAMER
(to the phone) Hold on a second I got
another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call
you back. (Jerry and George look at
each other)
JERRY
(to Kramer) Who is it?
KRAMER
That's NBC.
JERRY
NBC!?! Give me the phone!
KRAMER
I'm in the middle of a conversation
here.
JERRY
Get off the phone!
KRAMER
(to the phone) Look, I'll call you back.
(hangs up)
JERRY
You know I'm waiting to hear from them.
Who was it?
KRAMER
Russell Dalrimple's secretary.
JERRY
All right. Now you're doing something
to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah
it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call.
Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs
up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC.
4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's
on. You're gonna successful. (George
looks disappointed)
(scene ends)
(Dana's office)
GEORGE
What if the pilot gets picked up and
it becomes a series?
DANA
That'd be wonderful George, you'll be
rich and successful.
GEORGE
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried
about. God would never let me be successful.
He'd kill me first. He'd never let me
be happy.
DANA
I thought you didn't believe in God?
GEORGE
I do for the bad things.
DANA
Do you hear what you're saying? God
isn't out to get you George. What...
What is that on your lip?
GEORGE
What?
DANA
It's like a discoloration. It's white.
GEORGE
(gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes,
it's white. Why it's white.
DANA
You'd better get that checked out.
GEORGE
Better get that checked out?
DANA
I would.
GEORGE
What kind of a therapist are you? I'm
telling I'm scared that something terrible
is gonna happen to me, right away you
start looking for tumors?
DANA
I'm trying to help you.
GEORGE
What are you like a sadist? No matter
how bad somebody feels, you can make
'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting
for a tumor. (pointing to her)
DANA
I think you'd better go.
GEORGE
Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)
(scene ends)
(Jerry and George in a cab at a light)
JERRY
Where?
GEORGE
Right here. (showing his lip)
JERRY
Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry
knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The
Heart Attack')
GEORGE
(to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you
see anything on my lip here?
CABBIE
Yeah, it's like a discoloration.
GEORGE
Oh, my God.
CABBIE
Yeah, it's all white.
GEORGE
(to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's
all white!
JERRY
Would you stop?
CABBIE
I would get that checked out if I were
you.
GEORGE
Again with the checked out. I'm not
going to the doctor. If I don't to the
doctor, then nothing will happen to
me. If I go he might find something.
JERRY
If you go, maybe they'll catch it in
time.
GEORGE
Catch what in time?
JERRY
Whatever it is.
GEORGE
You think it's something?
CABBIE
Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy
rags. No no no, I don't want it, get
away, get away from my car (he starts
his wipers)
JOE DEVOLA
(through the opened window's cab) Good
luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls
away)
(scene ends)
(NBC)
(Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them,
asking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting
across from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and
looking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee
table.)
STU
(to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's
like a white discoloration.
GEORGE
(to Jay) What do you think it is?
JAY
It's like a... white discoloration.
(we understand now why a sitcom needs
so many producers)
CASTING DIRECTOR
O.K. guys, are we ready to start?
JERRY
Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he
was gonna be here.
(George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and
the box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next
to him.)
STU
Oh you know I don't know. I saw him
in the hall this morning, I said hello
to him. He walked right past me.
JAY
He must be worried about the fall schedule.
STU
Ah, it's a real bear.
GEORGE
Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna
shoot the pilot and then it's gonna
be on TV the following week?
STU
Yeah. Right.
(the casting director enters with an actor)
CASTING DIRECTOR
This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning
for the role of George. (the guy looks
very cool and casual, and has a lot
of hair)
MARK
Hey how you doing?
JERRY
(thinking) They've gotta be kidding.
GEORGE
(thinking) This guy's perfect.
CASTING DIRECTOR
O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading
Jerry's part.
MARK
Anyone call for Vandelay Industries?
(George is the only one in the room
to find Mark funny)
CASTING DIRECTOR
No. Why?
MARK
Listen to me. I told the unemployment
office I was close to a job with Vandelay
Industries and I gave them your phone
number. So, when you answer the phone
now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries".
CASTING DIRECTOR
I'm Vandelay Industries?
MARK
Right.
CASTING DIRECTOR
What is that?
MARK
You're in latex.
CASTING DIRECTOR
What do I do with latex?
MARK
I don't know, you manufacture it.
(scene cuts)
(the casting director enters with another actor)
CASTING DIRECTOR
This is Michael Barth. Another George.
(he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses)
ALL
Hi Michael. How you doing?
JERRY
Everything all right?
MICHAEL
I just came from the podiatrist. I have
a mole on my foot. I've got a little
gangrene, they're probably gonna have
to amputate. (everyone laugh except
George)
CASTING DIRECTOR
Any questions?
MICHAEL
Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is
this guy like a real loser?
GEORGE
No, not a loser!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Let's start with the second scene. You
have it here?
MICHAEL
A man gave me a, you know, massage.
(everyone laugh except George)
CASTING DIRECTOR
So?
MICHAEL
Well, he-- he had his hands, you know,
and uh, he was, huh, ...
CASTING DIRECTOR
He was what?
MICHAEL
He was you know... he was touching and
rubbing. (loud laughter)
CASTING DIRECTOR
That's a massage.
MICHAEL
I think it moved.
(scene cuts)
(the casting director enters with a beautiful actress)
CASTING DIRECTOR
This is Melissa Shannon.
MELISSA
Hi.
ALL
Hi. How you doing.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Melissa is reading for Elaine.
MELISSA
It's like a bald convention out there!
(she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made
a faux pas.
JERRY
No you didn't. He knows he's bald.
MELISSA
So how about that guy wearing sweat
pants? I mean did he do that for the
part or does he walk around like that?
(Jerry approves with a nod, George drops
his notepad on the coffee table)
CASTING DIRECTOR
O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the
casting director sit down)
JERRY
(getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll
read with her.
MELISSA
Oh, great.
(the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in
front of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her)
JERRY
Alright, want to start?
MELISSA
Yeah.
JERRY
O.K.
MELISSA
Ahem. What was that look?
JERRY
What look?
MELISSA
That look you just gave me?
JERRY
I gave a look?
MELISSA
Yes.
GEORGE
Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry
and Melissa stop and look at George)
CASTING DIRECTOR
Let's see some more Kramers.
(We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or
small actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters
Tom Pepper, the guy that will get the role of Kramer)
ALL
Hi. How you doing?
TOM
(to Jerry and very seriously) How you
doing?
JERRY
(smiling and surprised at the way Tom
is talking) Good.
(scene cuts)
(Tom and the casting director are into a scene)
CASTING DIRECTOR
What is this about?
TOM
(standing) Levels.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Levels?
TOM
Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my
furniture. All of it! I'm building...
levels... with steps... completely carpeted...
(making the gesture of carpeting steps)
with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits
down) Like Ancient Egypt.
CASTING DIRECTOR
I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable
like that?
TOM
Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter,
applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee
table)
GEORGE
Very nice
JERRY
Very good
GEORGE
Very nice Tom, that was terrific.
TOM
May I? (pointing the box of raisins)
GEORGE
Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom
eats some raisins)
JERRY
(to George) It was a wonderful reading.
GEORGE
Yeah. Really.
TOM
Well, bye.
GEORGE
Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves
with the casting director)
STU
Now, I thought he was really good, very
funny.
JERRY
Yeah, I liked him.
GEORGE
What happened to the raisins?
JAY
Yeah, there was a box of raisins there!
GEORGE
Did he just steal the raisins?
STU
You think he stole them?
CASTING DIRECTOR
(enters with the real Kramer) This is
Martin Van Nostrand.
JERRY
(to Kramer) What are you doing here?
CASTING DIRECTOR
You two know each other?
STU
Wait a minute, I know you. You're the
guy from the Calvin Klein underwear
ads.
KRAMER
That's true.
(Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer
have a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry
and George, very confident.)
KRAMER
(acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio
in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time,
I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh!
Uh, where's the bathroom?
STU
I think if you go down the hall, it's
on the right at the very end.
KRAMER
Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves)
"Sorry buddy, full house." We then see
Kramer outside leaving the building
and running across the street to a restaurant:
"Sorry, customers only" ...running into
a movie theater: "Hey you need a ticket!"
...running through the park...)
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)
ELAINE
So who's playing Elaine?
JERRY
Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented,
very takented young actress.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
Yes.
ELAINE
Who is it?
JERRY
She's an eskimo, actually.
ELAINE
Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding)
JERRY
She came down from Juno by sleigh, she
was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish
line, just kept going. She's got the
dogs with her in the hotel room.
ELAINE
Listen, was Russell at the casting?
JERRY
No, he didn't show up.
ELAINE
You know, I'm a little bit worried about
him. I don't understand. We had one
date two months ago. Am I that charming
and beautiful?
JERRY
No. No you're not.
ELAINE
Why do I keep setting you up?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
(to the waitress) Could we get a little
more? (she doesn't listen and walks
away) Aghh... You know ever since this
new owner took over, the service here
is *really* slow.
JERRY
Yeah. Have you noticed anything else
that's different since the new management?
ELAINE
Mmm. They're putting a little lemon
in the tuna. I love that.
JERRY
Beside that. Look at the waitresses.
ELAINE
Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses
have big breasts)
JERRY
What physical characteristic would you
say is common to all of them?
ELAINE
Ah...
JERRY
I mean look at this. Every waitress
working here has the same proportions.
Wouldn't you say?
ELAINE
Yes, I would say.
JERRY
What's going on here. How is that possible?
ELAINE
Do you think it's a coincidence?
JERRY
No. I haven't seen four women like this
together outside of a Russ Meyer film.
(the waitress finally came with the coffee)
ELAINE
(to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who
does all the hiring waitresses here?
WAITRESS
He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr.
Visaki) In fact we're looking for another
girl if you know anyone. (she walks
away)
ELAINE
You know what? That's discriminatory.
That is unfair. Why should these women
have all the advantages? It's not enough
they get all the attention from men,
they have to get all the waitress jobs,
too?
JERRY
Hey that's life. Good-looking men have
the same advantages. You don't see any
handsome homeless.
(scene ends)
(doctor's clinic)
GEORGE
You see, It's right here. It's all white...
DOCTOR
Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this
before.
GEORGE
You've never seen this before?
DOCTOR
I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that.
(George grabs the doctor's arm)
GEORGE
(dramatically) A what?
DOCTOR
A biopsy.
GEORGE
A biopsy?
DOCTOR
Yeah.
GEORGE
Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?
DOCTOR
Well I don't know what it is.
(scene ends)
(Jerry's)
GEORGE
A biopsy!
JERRY
What did he say?
GEORGE
He said he didn't know what it was.
JERRY
Alright. So?
GEORGE
When I asked him if it was cancer, he
didn't give me a "get outta here". That's
what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get
outta here?"
JERRY
Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta
here" kind of personality.
GEORGE
How could you be a doctor and not say
"get outta here"? It should be part
of the training at medical school: "Cancer?
Get outta here!" "Go home! What are
you crazy? It's a little test. It's
nothing. You're a real nut. You know
that?" (Jerry gives him half of his
sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I
told you that God would never let me
be successful. I never should've written
that pilot. Now the show will be a big
hit, we'll make millions of dollars,
and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because
of this. (showing his lip)
JERRY
Can't you at least die with a little
dignity?
GEORGE
No I can't. I can't die with dignity.
I have no dignity. I want to be the
one person who doesn't die with dignity.
I live my whole life in shame. Why should
I die with dignity?
(Kramer enters)
JERRY
Hey. What happened to you yesterday?
KRAMER
I got mugged.
GEORGE
You got mugged?
JERRY
Mugged?
KRAMER
Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much
but I was running home to go to the
bathroom.
JERRY
Why didn't you use the bathroom in the
building?
KRAMER
It was full. I tried a few other places,
you know, but that didn't work. I mean
it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really
percolating... So I decided to run home
through the park and then these two
guys they stopped me and...
(door buzzer)
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up.
KRAMER
But now I have a big problem, buddy.
JERRY
What is it?
KRAMER
Well, I waited so long I-- I missed
my chance.
JERRY
You didn't go?
KRAMER
No. And now I can't get it back.
(George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom)
KRAMER
How could you not think about it?
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
(mumbles and leaves)
ELAINE
What's the matter with him?
JERRY
He's a little backed up.
ELAINE
Oh...
(George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich
from Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.)
GEORGE
Elaine.
ELAINE
So I spoke to some of my sisters about
that coffee shop.
JERRY
Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table)
(Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom)
GEORGE
(to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses
in there lately? I never had so much
coffee in my life.
ELAINE
So we decided I should go over there
and apply for a job myself.
GEORGE
Apply for a job? What for?
ELAINE
Because, it's discriminatory (she comes
back wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked)
GEORGE
It's a coincidence.
JERRY
This is what you gonna wear?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
You're not gonna get the job.
ELAINE
Exactly.
(phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's
arm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich)
JERRY
(to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I
guess we could do that. At what time?
All right. I'll see you there. O.K.,
bye. (hangs up)
ELAINE
Who was it?
JERRY
TV Elaine. She wants to get together
and talk about the part.
ELAINE
What about the dogs?
JERRY
They're having sex in the hotel room.
(scene ends)
(Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier)
Sandi Robbins)
SANDI
So, the Elaine character is based on
someone you know.
JERRY
Yes.
SANDI
And she's really your ex-girlfriend?
JERRY
Uh, Huh, yeah.
SANDI
I want to get to know her from the inside.
What is she like? Tell me about her.
JERRY
Well, she's fascinated with Greenland.
She enjoys teasing animals, banlon,
and seeing people running for their
lives. She loves throwing garbage out
the window, yet she's extremely dainty.
SANDI
How would she eat a hamburger?
JERRY
With her hands.
SANDI
What about pasta?
JERRY
Also with her hands.
SANDI
Seriously... I want to experience everything
she's experienced.
JERRY
Everything?
SANDI
Everything.
JERRY
All right she cuts her pasta with a
knife.
SANDI
That's good. What's her favorite movie?
JERRY
Shaft.
SANDI
You got to get me a picture. What about
sex?
JERRY
She likes talking during sex.
SANDI
Oh... dirty talking?
JERRY
No. Just chitchat, movies, current events,
regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking
at his watch)
SANDI
Elaine.
JERRY
What?
SANDI
Call me Elaine.
JERRY
All right. Elaine.
SANDI
How does Elaine kiss?
JERRY
Well--
SANDI
Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses
Jerry)
JERRY
Actually she has a thing where she spirals
her tongue around, it's like--
SANDI
Like this? (kisses again but with the
spiral)
JERRY
I think you got it.
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
(Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier)
TOM
I'll have a hamburger. That's it.
KRAMER
Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to
play golf.
TOM
This stuff doesn't matter to me. See,
I'm gonna do the character like me,
not like you.
KRAMER
You gotta play him like me. I'm Karmer.
TOM
I'm Kramer.
KRAMER
Whoa, I'm Kramer.
(scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager)
MR. VISAKI
(foreign accent) What can I do for you?
Would you like a table.
ELAINE
No, I'd like to apply for a waitress
job.
MR. VISAKI
(looks Elaine up and down) Have you
ever waited on tables before.
ELAINE
Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress
for the last 10 years. I've worked all
over the city. These, uh, are my references.
I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than
qualified.
MR. VISAKI
I don't think I need anyone else right
now.
ELAINE
You're in big trouble mister. And I
mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she
leaves)
MR. VISAKI
What? What did I do?
(scene ends)
(The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office)
ELAINE
Anyway there's at least four of them,
and they're all huge. And one is bigger
than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer
movie.
FRED
Who's Russ Meyer?
ELAINE
Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible
movies in the 70's with these kinds
of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed
with breasts. That's hard to say.
FRED
Anyway, go on.
ELAINE
Um... Well, there's not really much
more to tell. He was looking for waitresses,
and I went in to apply for the job.
And, he looked me up and down and he
rejected me.
FRED
(to a guy in the hall at the water cooler
machine) Paul. Come in for a second.
I want you to listen to this.
PAUL
(to Elaine) Hi.
ELAINE
Hi.
FRED
Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant
on the West side that's only hiring
large-breasted women.
PAUL
(to Elaine) Really?
THE END
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