THE POOL GUY
Written by
David Mandel
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
Let me ask you a question. Who would
win in a fight between you and me?
JERRY
Well, what do you mean?
GEORGE
Well if you and I ever got into, like
a really serious fight you know, and
the punches started flying -- who do
you think would win?
JERRY
Well I think that's pretty obvious.
GEORGE
Yeah. Me too.
(Elaine enters carrying a cup of coffee)
JERRY
Hey Elaine.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Who, who, who do you think would win
in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous
George here (pointing up and down at
George)
ELAINE
You mean in a real Fight Fight?
JERRY
Mona a Baldo.
ELAINE
George.
GEORGE
Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the
refrigerator)
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee)
JERRY
Really? What would you do?
GEORGE
Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever
I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled
beverage)
JERRY
Hmm.
ELAINE
So. Listen ... You're not doing anything
tomorrow, are you? Because I have an
extra ticket to the historical clothing
exhibit at the Met.
JERRY
I'm sorry.
ELAINE
George?
GEORGE
Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore
to Lincoln's funeral?
ELAINE
There's nobody I can go with.
(Kramer enters)
ELAINE
You know what. I don't have one female
friend left.
KRAMER
Oh, no, of course you don't. You're
a Man's Woman. You hate other women,
and they hate you.
ELAINE
Thank you.
KRAMER
So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms
together) What time we going to the
movies?
JERRY
Ah, how about 8:30?
KRAMER
Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge
and pulls out some food -- takes a big
bite)
JERRY
You want to get something to eat first?
KRAMER
( mumbling with full mouth ) No, I'm
good.
GEORGE
I wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up
the phone from the coffee table, then
decides not to call) No. I better just
go. (claps hands) heh. All right! See
ya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook
by the door and rushes out)
KRAMER
There's nothing more pathetic, than
a grown man, who's afraid of a woman.
(voice get high-pitched for the last
line)
JERRY
Hey, why don't cha ask Susan?
ELAINE
George's Susan?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends
with Susan. (smacks her forehead with
hand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I'll
see you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.)
KRAMER
That's gunna be trouble.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
Jerry, don't you see? This world here,
this is George's sanctuary. If Susan
comes into contact with this world,
his world's collide. You know what happens
then?
(Kramer raises his hands into the air and slowly brings them
together in an explosion. He's holding some food in one hand,
so when his hands come into contact food flies all over)
KRAMER
Ka shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound)
Camera fades from the apt. to the Paragon Movie Theater. Jerry
and Kramer wait outside in a line to buy tickets.
KRAMER
Did I tell you I'm getting a new telephone
number?
JERRY
How come?
KRAMER
Whew, chicks man. Too many chicks know
my number.
(Jerry looks at Kramer, raises his eyebrows with an expression
that says really?)
RAMON
(recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are
you Mr. Backstroke?
JERRY
Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health
club I joined.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah.
RAMON
So you know what happened don't chu?
JERRY
No what?
RAMON
I got fired.
JERRY
Really?
RAMON
Yeah, said I put too much chlorine in
the pool.
JERRY
Ahh.
RAMON
Hey well, ah, stay out of the deep end,
eh.
JERRY
OK, see you later.
KRAMER
What's in the deep end?
Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside. Susan
sits on the couch reading.
(Telephone rings)
GEORGE
Hello?
ELAINE
Hey George.
GEORGE
Hey Elainie. What's going on?
ELAINE
(sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um.
Can I talk to Susan
GEORGE
Ha, Yeah right, hang on, I'll ah, I'll
get her for you. he, he,
he, he. Seriously, what's up?
ELAINE
No, George really. Can I talk to Susan?
GEORGE
Susan, why?
ELAINE
Because I want to ask her to lunch and
to the Met tomorrow.
GEORGE
Oh, I don't think you want to do that.
ELAINE
Why not?
GEORGE
Well what would be the point of that?
(Susan, hearing her name glances over at George)
ELAINE
George, are you going to put her on
the phone?
GEORGE
Where did this come from all of a sudden?
ELAINE
George, are you going to let me talk
to Susan, or Not?
GEORGE
I really think I should have been consulted
about this.
(George takes the phone from his ear and walks over to the couch
and
hands the phone to Susan)
GEORGE
Here ... something.
SUSAN
Hello? (with hesitant surprise) Oh,
that sounds great. I love
that sort of stuff.
(George stands behind the couch, arms crossed with his right
hand
clenched up to his mouth. He takes off his glasses, puts his
left hand
just above his eyes and rubs them in disbelief and walks out
of the
room.)
Night exterior of a busy NYC street. Large lit advertising signs
for
Panasonic, JVC and a couple of McDonalds “Golden Arches” are
visible.
Then to the inside of the movie theater.
KRAMER
You want to sit here?
JERRY
Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next
to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh,
Over there. (points to the next seat over)
KRAMER
Why?
JERRY
Little buffer zone.
KRAMER
(Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves
to the other seat)
JERRY
Thank you. If we were in my apartment
and we were watching a
movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?
KRAMER
No. You got a point.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
I can't ...
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Well these seats have no lumbar.
JERRY
Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend
we're talking.
(Ramon is looking for a seat. He's carrying a drink, a bunch
of
napkins, and a huge bucket of popcorn)
KRAMER
We are talking.
JERRY
Pretend it's interesting.
KRAMER
So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and
ah, well the police are
still looking for me.
JERRY
Oh yeah that's shocking, but sounds
...
RAMON
Hey, hi Jerry.
JERRY
Oh, hey Ramon.
RAMON
Hey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins.
You want some?
JERRY
Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer)
RAMON
Hey, ahhh, is this seat taken?
(Ramon proceeds to sit down between Kramer and Jerry)
JERRY
No.
(As Ramon sits down, he bumps into Kramer and startles him. Jerry
looks
like he can't believe Ramon sat down. Ramon is bobbing his head
front
to back with his neck, like sitting there worked out pretty good)
Exterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry
and
George are talking.
JERRY
And then the worst part is, after the
movie, he leached on to us
... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then
he
walks us home, all the way back to the front of the building.
Finally I
said, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now.
GEORGE
By the way, have you spoken to Elaine
yet today?
JERRY
No why?
GEORGE
(sighs) She called Susan last night.
JERRY
Oh yeah, I know.
GEORGE
How do you know?
JERRY
Well it was my idea.
GEORGE
Your idea?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Wha'd you do that for?
JERRY
She was looking for someone to go to
the show with.
GEORGE
Well that was a really stupid thing!
You know what's going to
happen now?
JERRY
World's collide. (points at George)
GEORGE
Whe ... Well yeah!
JERRY
Because this world is your sanctuary
and if that world comes into
contact with --
GEORGE
YES! It Blows Up! So if you know that,
what did you tell
Elaine for?
JERRY
I didn't know. Kramer told me about
the worlds.
GEORGE
You couldn't figure out the “World's
Theory” for yourself? It's
just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart.
(gesturing with hands going outward)
JERRY
Yeah, I guess I slipped up.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
He knows the worlds theory.
KRAMER
What is it blowing up?
GEORGE
Ha! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment)
(Telephone rings - Kramer pulls a cordless phone from his pocket)
KRAMER
Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes
the end button and
pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving
me
crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.
JERRY
What is it?
KRAMER
Well it's 555-3455.
JERRY
555-3455.
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
(picks up the phone on the coffee table)
“555-3455.” Well wait a
second, don't you see that's 555-FILK.
KRAMER
What's Filk?
JERRY
Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie
Phone.
KRAMER
Oh Movie Phone.
JERRY
Yes, so people are just dialing it by
mistake and getting you.
KRAMER
So, I'm Filk?
JERRY
You're Filk.
KRAMER
Oh, Mama.
Susan and Elaine are walking down the sidewalk.
ELAINE
Well what about that number Susan B.
Anthony wore to the 19th
Amendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye.
SUSAN
Oh whoo. Quite the DèColletage for a
suffragette.
ELAINE
Ha, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been
one hell of a party.
SUSAN
Whoo.
ELAINE
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
SUSAN
Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.
ELAINE
What?
SUSAN
Ehahh, forget it.
ELAINE
What? You can tell me. I'll put it in
the vault.
SUSAN
The vault?
ELAINE
Mm-Hmm.
Exterior shot of Physique (Jerry's health club) then inside to
the men's
locker room where Jerry is putting some clothes in a gym bag.
Some men
are in the background talking.
the movies with Ramon.
JERRY
Oh, well, I didn't actually go with
Ramon. I just bumped into
him there. (putting on coat)
you to cheer him up.
PAUL
Tell him to call us.
DUSTIN
Tell him, Dustin says, “Hello.”
JERRY
All right, I gotta go.
PAUL
To see Ramon?
(Paul, with his eyes wide open looking at Jerry. Dustin stares
off the
other direction, laughing to himself)
Exterior of Jerry's apartment building, then inside Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
What else did you two do?
ELAINE
Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff.
JERRY
Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping
for pretty bows, and then
back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle
fight?
(Elaine stands there for a good 6 seconds with arms crossed,
blank
expression, just looking at Jerry)
ELAINE
That's really what you think girls do,
isn't it?
JERRY
Yes, I do. (very serious)
ELAINE
All rightee. (turns and walks to the
bathroom)
JERRY
Hey you know George isn't to happy,
ahh, about your new
friendship.
ELAINE
Yeah? Well I don't really give a Sh...
(closing the bathroom
door)
(Kramer enters and leaves the door open)
KRAMER
Hey man, what's going on?
JERRY
Hey.
(Telephone rings)
KRAMER
Ooh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone
from his pocket) Yeah
hello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on.
(Kramer walks over to the table, opens the newspaper to the movie
section)
KRAMER
Yeah, Cupid's Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln
Square. Yeah, no, no,
no, no problem, yeah.
(Kramer hangs up the cordless and pushes the antenna back in,
puts the
phone in his pocket)
JERRY
You're looking up movies for people
now?
KRAMER
I got time.
(Telephone rings)
KRAMER
And this. (pulls out the cordless phone
from his pocket) Cosmo
here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I'll help. Yeah, Firestorm's
good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's
seen it
twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out
to Jerry)
JERRY
(shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't
want to talk to him.
(Jerry is backing away, as Kramer attempt to foist the phone
on to
Jerry, but he will not take it -- Kramer continues to try and
get Jerry
to take the phone from him)
CONTINUITY ERROR -- DURING THIS PART OF THE SCENE, WE CLEARLY
SEE
Kramer's right hand holding the phone, his left hand is empty.
This
sequence is shot from several camera angles. At the end of the
sequence, Kramer is holding the folded newspaper in his left
hand -- he
did not reach over to pick up the paper -- so this is obviously
a
CONTINUITY ERROR
KRAMER
Just, just tell him about the picture.
What's the matter with
you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still
showing.
(Kramer walks out the open door and into his apt. with the newspaper.
Elaine walks back into the living room, wondering what just happened,
she gestures towards Kramer as he exits)
(Intercom buzzes)
JERRY
Oh that's George. (presses the intercom
button) Yeah?
RAMON
(Hey it's Ramon)
JERRY
What?
RAMON
(Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. I'm coming up)
JERRY
(to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh,
what is he doing here?
ELAINE
Who? Who is Ramon?
JERRY
He's the pool guy.
ELAINE
What pool guy?
JERRY
Do me a favor. Just stick around while
he's here.
ELAINE
Yeah, no problem.
----------------------------------------------------
INCONSISTENCY IN REALITY -- RAMON SHOWS UP AT JERRY'S DOOR,
8 SECONDS
from the time when Jerry stops pressing the intercom buzzer.
Either
Ramon would have to run up 5 flights of stairs incredibly fast
(he does
not appear out of breath) or those are some very fast elevators.
-- and we know from a Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend that Elaine
complains
ABOUT THE SLOW ELEVATORS IN JERRY'S APT. BUILDING.
Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend
ELAINE
You know, you have the slowest elevator
in the entire city?
That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast
ones.
JERRY
Well, the apartment elevators are always
slower than the offices,
because you don't have to be home on time.
----------------------------------------------------
RAMON
Hee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and
points both index fingers at
him) How are you, crazy guy?
JERRY
Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend
Elaine.
ELAINE
Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye
Jerry. (smiling as she
closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she
left
him on his own)
JERRY
So, ah, what are you doing around here
Ramon?
RAMON
Well, I was in the neighborhood. I figured
I'd check you out.
JERRY
Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things
to do.
RAMON
Oh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going?
JERRY
Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff,
I gotta do. (grabs coat
and throws it over his shoulder)
RAMON
Hey that's cool. I'm up for some stuff
JERRY
All right.
(They head for the door)
Moving subway cars blur by, then inside the subway car where
Jerry sits
next to Ramon
RAMON
So get this. I get down there, and right
away, I see the drain
is clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it?
JERRY
All right Ramon, I'm going to get going.
(Subway train stops and door opens)
JERRY
I think we should separate here actually.
RAMON
What are you trying to say Jerry?
JERRY
Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy.
But I, I actually only
have three friends. I really can't handle any more.
RAMON
Oh I see. It's cause I clean pools,
right?
JERRY
That has nothing to do with it.
RAMON
You su -- (no audio) (through the moving
subway window, Ramon is
swearing and pointing at Jerry)
Exterior of George's apartment building then inside his apartment.
SUSAN
Yeah, we got along real well.
GEORGE
You know, uh, she has no female friends!
You know that, don't
cha? Something strange about a woman who's friends are all men.
SUSAN
Yeah, I know. We talked all about that.
GEORGE
You talked all about that?
SUSAN
Oh yeah. Elaine opened up her vault.
GEORGE
Did you just say vault?
SUSAN
Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong?
GEORGE
You got that from Elaine.
SUSAN
Yeah. So what?
GEORGE
Well it's a little strange. You going
to start to talk like
Elaine from now on?
SUSAN
I don't know. Anyway I thought we'd
all go to a movie on Friday.
GEORGE
We'd all go to movie on Friday?
SUSAN
Yeah.
GEORGE
This is not good. World's are colliding!
George is getting
upset!
(Commercial)
Inside Jerry's apartment -- Jerry sits on the couch listening
to George.
GEORGE
Ah you have no idea of the magnitude
of this thing. If she is
allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you
know him,
Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George,
but
there is also Independent George. That's the George you know,
the
George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George,
Liar
George, Bawdy George.
JERRY
I, I love that George.
GEORGE
Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship
George walks
through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George,
divided
against itself, Cannot Stand!
(Elaine enters)
GEORGE
You're Killing Independent George! You
know that, don't you?
ELAINE
George I don't even want to get --
GEORGE
You know what word Susan used last night?
Hnuh. Vault! hu,
hu, hu.
ELAINE
So?
GEORGE
She got that from you!
ELAINE
Well, I didn't tell here to say it.
GEORGE
What is she the only girl in the whole
world? Why can't you get
find your own girl?
ELAINE
I Like Her!
GEORGE
You see (to Jerry). You see. You see
what I'm talking about.
It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits
--
slamming the door)
JERRY
So you want to catch a movie later?
ELAINE
Ahh, yeah, sure.
JERRY
I don't have a paper though.
ELAINE
Hmm. (picks up the phone and dials)
(Ring)
KRAMER
Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought
to you by the New
York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin
Bacon,
Susan Sarandon -- “You've got to get me over that mountain!”
“Now”
(bang, bang) “AHHHHHHHHHH” There is no place higher than ...
Mountain
High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to
see,
press 1.
ELAINE
Kramer, is that you?
KRAMER
Elaine?
ELAINE
Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?
KRAMER
I don't know.
Exterior of the Physique health club, then inside to the men's
locker
room.
RAMON
Well, well. Look who's here.
JERRY
Ramon, what are you doing here? You
could get in trouble.
RAMON
No, I don't think so Jerry. You see
they gave me my job back.
JERRY
What?
RAMON
I'm a pool boy ... again.
JERRY
Look Ramon, about the other day. I'm
sorry if I offended you. I
get a little crabby on the subway.
RAMON
Do you?
JERRY
What happened to all the towels?
RAMON
Oh, ah, I guess they must have disappeared.
(walks away)
(Newman rushes up to Jerry)
NEWMAN
Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they
gave me! I really hit
the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his
face
with the top one) Ha, ha, ha.
(Jerry extends his arms, making a vain attempt at a reach for
a towel as
Newman walks away)
Exterior of Elaine's building. Elaine and Jerry walk down the
steps and
on to the sidewalk.
JERRY
It's been a terrible situation down
there the past couple of
days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's
always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ...
ELAINE
Uh-huh.
JERRY
And then when I come out of the pool,
my towel's always gone.
ELAINE
Uhh, so frustrating!
JERRY
Tell me about it.
ELAINE
Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan
for lunch at the coffee
shop?
JERRY
You're meeting Susan for lunch at the
coffee shop?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
I'm meeting George for lunch at the
coffee shop.
ELAINE
Oh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting.
(Elaine walks off, while Jerry stands there contemplating the
upcoming
ramifications)
Elaine and Jerry enter Monk's coffee shop as Susan sits across
the booth
from Kramer.
SUSAN
Hey! Elaine! Jerry. Over here!
KRAMER
There they are.
SUSAN
Yeah, look who I ran into.
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
Yeah. (sits down next to Susan)
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Ahh.
(Jerry stands a few paces from the booth, looking around for
George, and
feeling uncomfortable about the upcoming events)
KRAMER
Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join
us?
JERRY
Ah, you know. I'm supposed to meet,
eh, someone -- I'll, I'll
wait for them outside. (walks towards the door)
KRAMER
Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down.
What's the matter with
you?
JERRY
This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly)
(Jerry sits down next to Kramer)
SUSAN
What's that Jerry?
JERRY
(coughing) I said, boy am I ugly.
(George enters the coffee shop)
SUSAN
Oh, hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here.
(George walks in and stops, looking at the four of them sitting
in the
booth. He nods his head and extends his arm in acknowledgment,
nods his
head again, he lightly claps his hands and walks up to the table)
GEORGE
One, two ... three, four.
(extending his arm and counting to Elaine, Susan, Kramer and
Jerry, who
he puts his hand under Jerry's chin and then makes a fist and
presses it
to Jerry's cheek)
GEORGE
Ha Ho! (he turns and walks out the door)
SUSAN
Hey George!
JERRY
We'll pull up another chair.
Exterior of Reggie's diner, then inside where George sits alone
in a
booth. He eats in silence. A man sits at the counter, sipping
coffee.
Exterior shot of the Physique health club, then inside to the
pool.
Jerry is swimming while Ramon is cleaning the pool with a large
squeegee
on a long pole.
JERRY
I see you there Ramon.
(Ramon jabs a little bit at Jerry with the squeegee)
JERRY
Hey, l‘ll just keep swimming. Hey, hey.
I'm not done. I know
what you're up to Ramon. Because I'm a member here, this is my
place to
swim.
(Ramon pushes the squeegee out into Jerry's swim path -- Jerry
grabs the
squeegee pole and they struggle in a push-pull match)
JERRY
Hey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just
stop it.
(Ramon loses his balance and Jerry pulls him into the pool)
RAMON
Oh.
(Newman runs towards the pool in one of those old time bathing
suits)
NEWMAN
Olly, olly, oxen, free!
(It looks like Newman tries to do a cannonball into the pool,
filmed in
slow motion. Ramon looks up with a stunned look on his face,
seeing
Newman as he jumps into the pool on top of him.)
JERRY
(NO!)
Camera fade to Ramon, lying unconscious on the tile pool deck.
Newman
and Jerry are kneeling over him.
JERRY
I think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
NEWMAN
Mouth-to-mouth?
JERRY
Yeah.
NEWMAN
Huh.
JERRY
Well? Go ahead.
NEWMAN
You go.
JERRY
You knocked him out.
NEWMAN
Yeah, but you pulled him in.
JERRY
Come on Newman. Do it.
NEWMAN
Nah.
JERRY
He might die.
NEWMAN
Yeah. Maybe.
Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where
Susan
and Elaine are sitting and talking.
ELAINE
(on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll
meet you at the theater.
00, we can't wait any
longer.
SUSAN
Elaine, where could he be? It's not
like George to just
disappear.
ELAINE
Look, let's just leave him a note, okay?
SUSAN
Oh, I don't know.
ELAINE
Oh, come on, come on, come on. (picks
up pad of paper and
writes) “George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.”
Love?
SUSAN
Yeah.
ELAINE
“Love ... Susan.”
Camera fade to Elaine, Susan and Jerry outside the Paragon movie
theater. It's night as they wait in line to buy tickets.
JERRY
So eventually these people came and,
somebody, gave him
mouth-to-mouth.
ELAINE
He could have died
JERRY
Yeah, it was a gamble.
SUSAN
Why didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth?
JERRY
Ah. (makes face)
ELAINE
How can you possibly show your face
there again?
JERRY
Oh I can't. They revoked my membership.
Newman too. You know,
we can't go anywhere near there.
(they move up to the ticket window)
ELAINE
Hi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults
... one child. (looking
towards Jerry)
Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where
George
finds the note.
GEORGE
What the hell is this? “George, Elaine
and I went to see
Chunnel ... with Jerry.” With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great.
Great!
(dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always
go
with Jerry.
(Rings)
KRAMER
Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If
you know the name of the
movie you'd like to see, press one.
GEORGE
Come on. Come on.
KRAMER
Using your touch-tone keypad, please
enter the first three
letters of the movie title, now.
(George presses 3 keys)
KRAMER
You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's
correct, press one.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl?
If this is correct,
press one.
(George looks baffled)
KRAMER
Why don't you just tell me the name
of the movie you've
selected.
GEORGE
Chunnel?
KRAMER
To find the theater nearest you, please
enter your five digit
zip-code, now.
(George enters his zip-code)
KRAMER
Why don't you just tell me where you
want to see the movie?
GEORGE
Lowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway.
KRAMER
(picks up paper) Chunnel, is playing
at the Paragon 84th Street
GEORGE
Yeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone
and rushes out the
door)
KRAMER
It's also playing in theater number
two at 9:00.
Night exterior of United Artists Theater with a busy street in
the
foreground -- taxi's drive by. Then inside to a darkened theater,
George, in the isle, searches for Jerry, Elaine and Susan. He's
trying
to be quiet and still get their attention.
GEORGE
Jerry ... Where are you? I know you
like to sit back here.
Elaine! Susan!
MOVIE PATRON
SHH!
“The English Channel Tunnel,
Chunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England
and
another one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for
your
time gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick.”
-- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed
to be
focused on George, but I was able to make out most of it)
Cut to Susan, Elaine and Jerry watching Chunnel in the theater
next
door. Jerry is eating popcorn while Elaine sips a drink and eats
a bit
of popcorn
JERRY
I can't figure out what's going on here.
I can't follow the
plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them?
SUSAN
No, no. That's not the guy. That's a
different guy.
(Susan looks irritated at Jerry and Elaine's talking)
JERRY
What is he doing in the Chunnel?
SUSAN
Would you two, Please?
(movie voice - clearly it's Larry David's voice) ( Everybody
out of the
Chunnel! Everybody out! )
(Elaine and Jerry stop eating, sink back into their seats and
look at
each other, with silent expressions that say “what is her problem.”)
“Let me tell you
something about the Chunnel, Mr. Thane. That our only freeway
is
adept. (inaudible) Elaine Brookstone will get the money bag
(inaudible) Not as long as I have these long stickers. Find him
and
Kill him! I don't care if we have to turn this Chunnel upside
down!
Find Him! Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! The Chunnel's
gonna blow! AHHHHHH (Explosion)”
THIS TIME IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE
ARE SOME
inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)
back to George in the other theater. He stands at the front of
the
theater, the movie screen behind and above him. He is still trying
to
find Jerry, Elaine and Susan.
GEORGE
Susan! Jerry! Where are you? I know
you're there! Answer me!
MOVIE PATRON
(Hey, sit down!)
GEORGE
Hey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves!
MOVIE PATRON
(Hey, we're trying to watch a movie
here!)
GEORGE
Drink your soda! Come on! I know you're
there, laughing at
me. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies,
Jerry!
Reggies!
MOVIE PATRON
(Move it off of there!)
GEORGE
Where are you!
2ND MOVIE PATRON
(Hey are you sure you got the right
theater?)
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel. Susan!
2ND MOVIE PATRON
(It's playing in two theaters.)
GEORGE
Two theaters?
2ND MOVIE PATRON
(Yeah, there's a 9:00 too.)
GEORGE
Oh. Sorry.
(A large bucket of popcorn is thrown at George. He tries to deflect
it,
but the popcorn flies all over)
“There's something
else, your ex-wife. Alexandra? She's in France, I'm telling ya.
No,
she's in the Chunnel. The Chunnel? No! Mr. President, I'm sorry
to
disturb you. What is it? There's something about the Chunnel.
Oh?”
(inaudible) And that means your daughter is in the Chunnel. Somewhere
between France and ... (inaudible)”
AGAIN, IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE ARE
SOME
inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)
Elaine, Susan and Jerry exit the theater.
ELAINE
I thought that was pretty good, huh?
JERRY
Wha'd you think Susan?
SUSAN
Oh, I don't know. I couldn't hear anything.
You, you talked the
whole movie.
ELAINE
Oh, well come on. You want to go grab
a bite to eat?
JERRY
Yeah.
SUSAN
Ah, no. I don't think so.
ELAINE
Why not?
SUSAN
Well you know, all you guys ever do
is sit around the coffee shop
talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't
know
how you can stand it. I'll see you.
(Susan turns to walk away, but stops and looks at George being
escorted
out of the theater by two ushers. He struggles to try and stay
inside
the theater, but they forcefully remove him. Jerry, Elaine and
Susan
watch as George it escorted out -- he does not see the three
of them
standing there.)
GEORGE
I know they're in there, the three of
them, laughing at me.
Together, laughing and lying.
USHER
Let's go pal.
GEORGE
They're -- They're killing independent
George! And they're,
they're all in on it! World's are colliding!
(Camera freeze on George with the two ushers -- and into commercial)
his hand knocks 3 times on the door.
MOVIE PHONE GUY
Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare.
(Kramer, sitting on the couch, reading the paper and eating cereal
is obviously startled by the voice at his door)
MOVIE PHONE GUY
(con't) I know your in there, Cosmo
Kramer, Apartment 5B.
You're in big trouble, Now. You've been sealing my business.
If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door, Now. Or, please
select the number of seconds, you'd like to wait, before I break
this door down. Please select Now.
(as the Movie Phone Guy talks, Kramer slides off the couch and
ducks down under the coffee table, then pops back up with a dazed look.)
THE END
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