THE POSTPONEMENT
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and Kramer is parking
his car )
ELAINE
Hey, good news. My dog problem has been
solved.
JERRY
Really? What happened?
ELAINE
Well, there's this rabbi in my building.
You've met him. Very nice man.
JERRY
Isn't he the one with the show on cable?
ELAINE
Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him
about the dog. He went down. Talked
to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the
dog inside from now on.
JERRY
That's great.
ELAINE
I know.
(Kramer crashing into parking spot)
JERRY
That looks pretty good.
ELAINE
He's in.
JERRY
Hey, say, you know, we haven't even
discussed George's engagement yet.
ELAINE
What's to discuss?
JERRY
Come on! George: is getting married!
ELAINE
Is he happy?
to sit with his bride-to-be.
GEORGE
I will never understand the bathrooms
in this country. Why is it that the
doors on the stalls do not come all
the way down to the floor?
SUSAN
Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's
someone in there.
GEORGE
Isn't that why we have locks on the
doors?
SUSAN
Well, as a backup system, in case the
lock is broken, you can see if it's
taken.
GEORGE
A backup system? We're designing bathroom
doors with our legs exposed in anticipation
of the locks not working? That's not
a system. That's a complete breakdown
of the system.
SUSAN
Can we change the subject, please?
GEORGE
Why? What's wrong with the subject?
This is a bad subject?
SUSAN
No, fine. If you wanna keep talking
about it, we'll talk about it.
GEORGE
It's not that I want to keep talking
about it? just think that the subject
should resolve itself based on its own
momentum.
SUSAN
Well, I didn't think that it had any
momentum.
GEORGE
(To himself) How am I gonna do this?
I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't
even like me. Change the subject? Toilets
were the subject. We don't even share
the same interests.
(Jerry's)
JERRY
Yeah, he seems pretty happy.
ELAINE
Well, that's all that counts, I guess.
JERRY
What's the matter?
ELAINE
Oh, nothin'.
JERRY
Well, you don't seem too enthused about
the whole thing.
ELAINE
Well, what do you want me to do?
JERRY
Well, at least have some reaction to
it.
ELAINE
Well, I don't.
JERRY
Maybe you're a little jealous.
ELAINE
Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George:?
JERRY
No! But maybe you wish it was you who
was getting married, not him.
ELAINE
Oh, please! That is the last thing that
I want.
JERRY
Oh, yeah. Right.
ELAINE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
Lainy!
ELAINE
Jerry:!
JERRY
You don't wanna get married?
ELAINE
Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get
married.
JERRY
Oh, come on!
ELAINE
Oh, you come on.
JERRY
You're such...
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Oh, hey!
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Elaine:, listen, I was talking to a
friend about this dog business. Do you
realize this is gonna be on our permanent
records? Are you aware of this?
ELAINE
Oh, dear.
KRAMER
It can never be erased. It'll follow
us wherever we go for the rest of our
lives. I'll never be able to get a job.
I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything
I've worked for...down the drain because
of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't
we entitled to make one mistake in our
lives, Jerry:?
JERRY
We're gonna change the system.
KRAMER
Yes!
ELAINE
Well, I could care less. I hope it is
on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't
lock me up.
(Outside Elaine's place)
ELAINE
Oh, hello, Rabbi: Krischma.
RABBI
Elaine:! Always a pleasure to see you.
ELAINE
Thanks again for taking care of that
dog for us.
RABBI
Elaine, often times in life there are
problems, and just as often there are
solutions.
ELAINE
Yeah, I suppose.
RABBI
Elaine, you don't seem yourself today.
You seem, if I may say, troubled.
ELAINE
No, Rabbi:, I'm not myself.
RABBI
Come upstairs. We'll have a talk.
AT JERRY
's apartment. George trots in after
his lunch with Kiki
and Big Jer is kicking back with a paper.
JERRY
Hey!
GEORGE
I want your honest opinion about something.
JERRY
Have I ever been less than forthright?
GEORGE
No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have.
What do I know.
JERRY
Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course
I have. What am I talking about?
GEORGE
All right. Okay, tell me what you think
about this idea: Extend the doors on
the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium
all the way to the floor.
JERRY
Extend the doors on the toilet stalls
at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door
comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I
like it. I like it a lot.
GEORGE
It's good, right?
JERRY
I think it's fantastic. I think it's
a fantastic idea.
GEORGE
You do?
JERRY
Yes, I do.
GEORGE
Well, I told it to Susan: before, and
she didn't like it.
JERRY
Hmm.
GEORGE
Yeah. Not only that, this is what she
said to me, "Can we change the subject?"
JERRY
See, now that I don't care for.
GEORGE
Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why
does it have to be changed?
JERRY
It should resolve of its own volition.
GEORGE
That's exactly what I said, except I
used the word "momentum".
JERRY
Momentum - same thing.
GEORGE
Same thing. My god, I'm getting married
in December, do you know that?
JERRY
Yeah, I know.
GEORGE
Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make
December. I mean, I need a little more
time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous
wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is
killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look.
JERRY
You're turning.
GEORGE
Nah, it's not a good turn. December.
December. Don't you think we should
have a little more time just to get
to know each other a little.
JERRY
If you need more time, you should have
more time.
GEORGE
What, you think I could postpone it?
JERRY
Sure you can. Why not?
GEORGE
That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone
it?
JERRY
I don't see why not.
GEORGE
So, I could do that?
JERRY
Sure, go ahead.
GEORGE
All right! All right. I'll tell you
what. How about this? Got the date;
March 21st, the first day of spring.
JERRY
Spring. Of course.
GEORGE
Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation.
Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All
that crap.
JERRY
Beautiful.
GEORGE
She's not gonna like it.
JERRY
No, she's not.
GEORGE
You know, I think I'm a little bit scared
of her. She's five-three, like a hundred
pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.
JERRY
Well, she's a woman. They don't like
to be disappointed.
GEORGE
Especially her. She does not like disappointment.
Well, I have to do it. I can't make
December. There's no way I can make
December. Right? I mean, you can see
that, right? I mean, look at me. Look.
Look. Can I make December? I can't make
December. Right? Look. Look.
JERRY
Yeah, you'd better shoot for March.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey, hey.
GEORGE
March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back
me on this, right?
JERRY
Oh, all the way.
GEORGE
You are a good friend. You know what?
Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't
turn you in.
JERRY
Is that so?
JERRY
Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would
you turn me in?
KRAMER
Definitely.
JERRY
You're kidding?
KRAMER
No, no, I would turn you in.
JERRY
You would turn me in?
KRAMER
Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.
JERRY
I can't believe your a friend of mine.
KRAMER
What kind of person are you going around
killing people?
JERRY
Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
KRAMER
Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's
to say I wouldn't be next?
JERRY
But you know me!
KRAMER
I thought I DID!
(Rabbi's apartment)
ELAINE
I'm not a very religious person but
I do feel as if I'm in need of some
guidance here.
RABBI
Would you care for a snack of some kind?
I have the Snackwells which are very
popular but I think that sometimes with
the so called fat free cookies people
may overindulge forgetting they may
be high in calories
ELAINE
Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway,
um, this friend of mine, George, got
engaged .
RABBI
How wonderful.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um,
I just find myself just overcome with
feelings of jealousy and resentment.
RABBI
Doesn't it give you any joy to see your
friend enter into this holiest of unions?
ELAINE
No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy
whatsoever. Just the whole think makes
me . . sick.
RABBI
You know, Elaine, very often we cannot
see the forest for the trees.
ELAINE
Yeah, I don't know what that means.
RABBI
Well, for example, say there's a forest,
. . .
ELAINE
You see the thing is we It should have
been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive.
RABBI
You know my temple has many single functions.
ELAINE
No, no, it's okay.
RABBI
My nephew Alex is someone who is also
looking perhaps ...
ELAINE
I don't think so.
RABBI
He owns a flower store. Very successful.
(Outside Coffee shop)
JERRY
So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit
it.
KRAMER
Hey, don't do the crime if you can't
do the time.
JERRY
Another Café Latte?
KRAMER
You better believe it.
KRAMER
Since when are you so trendy?
JERRY
Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do
you think started this whole Café Latte?
JERRY
I don't recall you drinking Café Latte.
KRAMER
I've been drinking Café Latte since
the fifth grade and I haven't looked
back.
JERRY
Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing
tomorrow night. One show only.
KRAMER
I've always wanted to see this.
JERRY
You know I was supposed to see this
five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant
with George and Elaine and got all screwed
up trying to get a table and I missed
it.
KRAMER
Well, yeah, lets do it uh?
JERRY
Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on
the ground. That's littering.
JERRY
Maybe you better call the cops and turn
me in.
KRAMER
Maybe I will.
(George's)
GEORGE
Hi,
SUSAN
How was your day?
GEORGE
Good, good day. How was your day?
SUSAN
Mine was okay. So what's goin' on?
GEORGE
Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's,
uh, talked to Jerry.
SUSAN
Oh, the Lowers want to get together
with us on Friday night.
GEORGE
The Lowers, really?
SUSAN
You don't want to go?
GEORGE
No, I want to go.
SUSAN
So what did Jerry have to say?
GEORGE
Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . .
. Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable
idea today!
SUSAN
Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.
GEORGE
Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's
not the toilets. It's something else.
Are you ready for this?
SUSAN
Yeah.
GEORGE
Okay, how about this? All right, we
get married March 21st, the first day
of Spring.
SUSAN
What do you mean? You want to postpone
the wedding?
GEORGE
No, no no it's not about postponing.
I just think the first day of Spring
is the perfect day to get married. You
know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth!
Everything is blooming all the ...
SUSAN
If you don't want to marry me, George,
just say so. (crying) Say so.
GEORGE
Still marry , still marry.
SUSAN
You don't love me.
GEORGE
Sstill love. Still love.
SUSAN
My parents told me you were too neurotic
and that I was making a mistake.
GEORGE
No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No,
no , listen, we're going to get married
over Christmas, I ...It doesn't make any
difference to me. It's fine. Really.
SUSAN
Are you sure?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa.
All that stuff.
(Monk's)
JERRY
Let me take a guess. She cried and you
caved.
GEORGE
How did you know that?
JERRY
I live and breath my friend. . . . I
live and breath.
GEORGE
I got to tell you I felt terrible. I
really thought she was going to collapse
and kill herself.
JERRY
tes, it's very difficult. Few men have
the constitution for it. That's why
breakups take two or three tries. You
gotta build up your immunity.
GEORGE
You see those tears streaming down you
don't know what to do. It was like she
was on fire and I was trying to put
her out.
JERRY
Well, at least you probably had some,
uh, pretty good make-up sex after.
GEORGE
I didn't have any sex.
JERRY
You didn't have make-up sex? How could
you not have make-up sex? I mean that's
the best feature of the heavy relationship.
GEORGE
I didn't have make-up sex.
JERRY
In your situation the only sex you're
going to have better than make-up sex
is if you're dent to prison and you
have a conjugal visit.
GEORGE
Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening!
WOMAN
(crying)
MAN
I can tell you're very upset but I'm
sorry I'm not goin'
GEORGE
Did you here that? I can't believe this
he's eating his sandwich.
MAN
Are you going to eat thoise fries?
GEORGE
This is amazing. (George gets up to
leave and shake's man's hand) Thank
you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm
going back in! . . . You'll feel better
(to woman)
JERRY
. . . Poor bastard.
(Outside Elaine's)
JERRY
Good evening, Rabbi.
RABBI
Good evening. And how does this evening
find you?
JERRY
Well, Rabbi, well.
RABBI
I trust you are here to see your friend,
Elaine.
JERRY
Yeah, that's right.
RABBI
I hope she's feeling better.
JERRY
What do you mean?
RABBI
She didn't tell you?
JERRY
No.
RABBI
Well it seems the engagement of her
ffriend George has left her feeling
bitter and hostile.
JERRY
is that so?
RABBI
Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes
she was the one getting married.
JERRY
Really?
RABBI
She came off as pretty desperate.
JERRY
I didn't know any of this.
RABBI
Apparently she doesn't think much of
this George fellow either. I recall
the word loser peppered throughout her
conversation.
JERRY
Hum, well it all comes as news to me.
(George's apartment)
G
(enters) Hi.
SUSAN
Hi, how was your day?
GEORGE
Good, good day. How was your day?
SUSAN
Ah, it was okay. What's going on?
GEORGE
Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over
to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could
I talk to you for a minute?
SUSAN
Yeah, sure.
GEORGE
You see this is the thing. . . . (crying)
I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble,
. . . I'm scared. You and I together,
(cry)
SUSAN
George, of course, of course it can
wait until march if that is what you
want.
GEORGE
Yeah?
SUSAN
Oh, don't worry your head. Of course.
GEORGE
All right. (smiles behind her back)
(Elaine's)
ELAINE
I've got that magazine article for you.
JERRY
You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.
ELAINE
Are you
JERRY
Understand you had a little talk with
him too.
ELAINE
Yeah, talked earlier.
JERRY
Yes I know, I know.
ELAINE
. . . What does that mean?
JERRY
Nothing, nothing.
ELAINE
He didn't mention . . .
JERRY
Yes he did.
ELAINE
He told you about our conversation?
JERRY
We had quite a little chat.
ELAINE
He told you about . . .
JERRY
Yes, about how you're very jealous of
George. How you wished it was you who
were getting married instead of him.
ELAINE
He told you all that? How could he?
JERRY
It didn't take much prodding either,
I must say.
ELAINE
Can he do that?
JERRY
He did it.
ELAINE
But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have
such a big mouth?
JERRY
That's what's so fascinating.
(Movie line)
JERRY
You better finish your little café latte
there. They won't let you in with it.
KRAMER
Why not?
JERRY
Because they don't allow outside drinks
into the movie.
KRAMER
Well that's stupid
JERRY
That's the rule.
KRAMER
Well, we'll just see if we can't get
around that.
(Kramer puts coffee cup into his pants)
(Rabbi's apartment)
RABBI
Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice
to see you again.
E
Yeah...
RABBI
Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas?
ELAINE
No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask
you a question. Why, why did you tell
my friend Jerry what I talked to you
about?
RABBI
Was that a problem for you?
ELAINE
Of course it was a problem for me. .
. . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone
else about this, did you?
RABBI
Well, let's see? I seem to recall a
conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F.
ELAINE
Mrs. Winston?
RABBI
Yes, we were waiting for our mail to
arrive and I happened to mention to
her how you felt that it was never going
"to happen" for you.
ELAINE
What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention
anything to him did you?
RABBI
Don Ramsey?
ELAINE
You know that tall really good looking
guy, he lives on the fifth floor.
RABBI
Oh him! Well this morning I found myself
in the elevator with him...
ELAINE
my god, you didn't.
(Movie theatre)
JERRY
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me
KRAMER
Oh, yow, oow Ah!
USHER
Hey, hey, what's going on? What just
happened here?
KRAMER
Nothing Nothing.
USHER
Whatya got? One of those Café Latte's
in your shirt?
KRAMER
I don't have anything. Ask him.
(Jerry makes a silent drink gesture)
USHER
All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring
it out.
KRAMER
What?!
USHER
Here you go.
KRAMER
Ow
(Kramer leaves)
(Jerry's apartment)
Ex; But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building.
I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely
bring himself to nod.
JERRY
Elaine, if I could say a word here about
Jewish people. That man in no way represents
our ability to take in a nice piece
of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.
ELAINE
You didn't say this to George, did you?
JERRY
No, . . . about how you wish it was
YOU who was getting married instead
of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?
ELAINE
Yeah that! So, . . .
(George enters)
GEORGE
Hey oh.
ELAINE
GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god.
I haven't seen you since it happened.
I'm so happy for you.
GEORGE
Alright, thanks a lot.
ELAINE
Oh, come on. You really, really deserve
it.
(Gives George a kiss)
GEORGE
Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I
mean...
ELAINE
Are you kidding? I have seen the changes
in you the past couple of years. Man,
you have grown. You've matured.
GEORGE
Well, I guess I'm getting older.
ELAINE
Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful.
Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please,
please give my best to Susan.
George Yeah.
Elaine My most, just heartfelt congratulations.
GEORGE
Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever
get a date, maybe the four of us could
go out together sometime.
ELAINE
Yes! Yes, yes. Sure.
GEORGE
Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there
some guy in your building that you said
you liked? He lived up on the fifth
floor or something.
ELAINE
Yes. Yes, yes. Yes.
GEORGE
Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?
JERRY
Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so
what happened? Did you hold your ground
or...uh...
GEORGE
Nope. I wept like a baby.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Well, I started to tell her and then
all of the sudden, for some reason,
I just burst into tears.
JERRY
You cried?
GEORGE
I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured
my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry,
it was incredible. I never realized
how powerful these tears are. I could
have postponed it another five years
if I wanted to.
JERRY
Sorry about that movie-thing. I was
joking around.
KRAMER
Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the
biggest favor of my life. I spoke to
a lawyer, we're suing for millions.
JERRY
Suing? What for?
KRAMER
The coffee was too hot.
JERRY
It's supposed to be hot.
KRAMER
Not THAT hot.
(At George's home. He and Susan are in bed watching TV)
RABBI
(On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without
friends our lives are empty and meaningless.
GEORGE
Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi: from Elaine's
building. I just met this guy the other
day.
RABBI
A young lady I know, let's call her
Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed
with feelings of resentment and hostility
for her friend, let's call him George:.
She felt that George was somewhat of
a loser and that she was the one who
deserved to be married first. She also
happened to mention to me that her friend
had wondered if going to a prostitute
while you're engaged is considered cheating.
His feeling was they're never going
to see each other again so what's the
difference. But that is a subject for
another sermon. Now, I'd like to close
with a psalm.
THE END
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