THE POTHOLE
Written by
Steve O'Donnell & Dan O'Keefe
(Bathroom)
Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth.
Jenna (his latest ladyfriend) enters.
JENNA
Morning.
JERRY
Morning.
She hands him a tube of toothpaste.
JENNA
Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.
JERRY
(applying paste to brush) Ah, baking
soda. Annoying little product. 'I
can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut
up?
JENNA
I'm gonna grab you a towel.
Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly
doesn't like the
taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He
puts his hand on
the counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush
falls into the
toilet bowl.
There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking
up. Jerry's face
looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror.
Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls
up the sleeve
of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the
toilet. He grabs
the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately
begins
frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he
raises his head and
finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling
as she brushes her
teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet.
JERRY
Ooh-ooh
(Monk's)
Jerry and George in a booth, as per usual.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
So? She used the toothbrush!
GEORGE
You said you grabbed it outta there
real fast, right?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
So I'm sure whatever germs it landed
on were knocked out, and by the
time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already
grabbed it
out.
JERRY
How many years of med school did you
have?
GEORGE
Was she mad?
Jerry says nothing, but pulls a face.
GEORGE
You didn't tell her.
JERRY
Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches
for word)
GEORGE
Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?
JERRY
I'll take fastidious.
George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature
head, clearly a
caricature of someone.
JERRY
What is that?
GEORGE
Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in
honour of Phil Rizzuto being
inducted into the Hall of Fame.
He squeezes the miniature head.
HEAD
Holy cow!
JERRY
They don't actually have to squeeze
his head to get him to say 'holy
cow', do they?
GEORGE
Just the last few innings of a double-header.
Kramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes
over.
KRAMER
Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing
lane of the Arthur Berkhardt
expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!)
Dragged this thing
for five exits.
He dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry.
JERRY
Why didn't you pull over?
KRAMER
Well I was draughting behind a semi.
I didn't wanna lose him. The
infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.
George squeezes the miniature head.
HEAD
Holy cow!
KRAMER
Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.
(Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant)
Elaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her
at home with the
phone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order.
OWNER
China Panda.
ELAINE
Yeah, I'd like to place an order.
OWNER
Ah yes, what you like?
ELAINE
This Supreme Flounder, it says first
time served in America. Is that
true?
OWNER
What number?
ELAINE
Forty-seven.
OWNER
Yeah, first time. What else?
ELAINE
Uh, that's it.
OWNER
Address?
ELAINE
Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street.
Apartment three E.
OWNER
That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver
below Eighty-sixth.
ELAINE
I'm not below.
OWNER
Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.
ELAINE
Your guy can't cross to my side?
OWNER
If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth
Street, Wall Street,
Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.
ELAINE
Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet
him.
OWNER
Sorry, food only for those who live
within boundary. (slams down phone)
Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes
the redial.
OWNER
(picks up phone) China Panda.
ELAINE
(using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd
like to place an order.
OWNER
Ah, what you like?
(Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar.
KRAMER
Well, I'm a poppa.
JERRY
Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at
this point.
KRAMER
(handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of
today I am a proud parent of a
one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.
JERRY
Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry.
Yeah, I went down there and I
checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.
He gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid
snapshot in
it.
JERRY
Aw, looks just like you.
KRAMER
Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.
JERRY
So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep
it clean?
KRAMER
They try to push you into using their
cleaning crew, with all their
so-called maintenance equipment.
JERRY
That old scam.
KRAMER
Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all
myself. This parenting isn't
about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.
JERRY
At the side of the road, with a pile
of garbage.
KRAMER
Quality time.
George enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks
about the
place, looking for something, frustratedly.
GEORGE
Keys. I can't find my keys.
JERRY
You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!
GEORGE
Have you seen 'em?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Dammit!
KRAMER
C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you
do today?
GEORGE
I got up, I was supposed to go to work,
I came here instead.
KRAMER
Right.
JERRY
Well, they're not here. You'll have
to dig up your spare set.
GEORGE
I don't have a spare set. All my keys
say 'do not duplicate'.
JERRY
So?
GEORGE
So you can't duplicate 'em.
At this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh.
KRAMER
Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet
kid.
(Street)
Elaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks
up the street and
sees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She
ducks into the
entranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects
to be coming
out of the building as the delivery boy gets there.
ELAINE
Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?
DELIVERY BOY
(suspicious) Why you waiting on the
street and not in your
apartment?
ELAINE
I... thought that I would meet you halfway.
She takes the bag of food.
DELIVERY BOY
You really live here?
ELAINE
Oh yeah. (handing over money) There
you go, keep the change. Bye now.
I'll see you.
Elaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects
the boy to
leave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the
door, but it's
locked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the
door harder, but it
won't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives
her money.
The delivery boy walks off.
ELAINE
(at the boy's back) This isn't fair.
This is address discrimination!
(Another Street)
George is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry
emerges from the
store with a carrier bag full of stuff.
JERRY
Well, I cleaned out their whole dental
hygiene shelf.
GEORGE
So the plan is to secretly sterilise
her mouth?
They begin to walk along the street.
JERRY
By the time I'm through with her mouth,
she'll be able to eat off it. Is
it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?
GEORGE
No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I
was coming along here, and I felt
like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning,
I should
really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then
I figured, well,
they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a
little while,
twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see
what you were up
to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The
broad jump! The
broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!
George dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less
enthusiasm.
(Eighty-sixth Street)
George is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of
his keys.
GEORGE
Now I remember, as I jumped over the
hole I heard a, like a jingling
sound.
JERRY
You didn't look down?
GEORGE
I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct)
...was right around
here.
He peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds
a patch of fresh
tarmac.
GEORGE
No! No!!
A car drives by, running right over the patch.
HEAD
Holy, Holy Cow!
JERRY
Poor son of a bitch.
(Jenna's Apartment)
Jenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush
which Jerry
has bought her. It's loud.
JERRY
It's a hundred thousand revolutions
a second. It's the most powerful one
they make.
JENNA
It's like I'm holding a blender.
JERRY
The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.
Jerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off
the brush.
JERRY
Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off
automatically.
JENNA
(restarting and reapplying the brush)
Really, it does?
JERRY
(unheard by Jenna) When the battery
runs out.
JENNA
(shouting to Jerry) I was really happy
with my old toothbrush.
In the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush
into a plastic bag,
being very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then
seals the bag.
JERRY
No, trust me, that one was doing more
harm than good. Don't forget to use
the Plax too.
Jenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle.
JENNA
That stuff tastes like bleach!
Jerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush.
JERRY
I don't know anything about that.
Just before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the
bag with the brush
out of the window.
JENNA
Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.
JERRY
That's the idea.
Jenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna
leans toward
him, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the
toilet bowl, in
black and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we
see Jenna's lips
looming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the
kiss, and pulls
away.
JERRY
You know, maybe we better not. I, I
think I'm getting a little cold. I
don't wanna give you any of my germs.
JENNA
Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.
(Jerry's Car)
Jerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat.
ELAINE
You still couldn't kiss her?
JERRY
She has a taint. I can't see it, but
I know it's there.
ELAINE
Oh, so now you're finding fault on a
sub-atomic level.
JERRY
Maybe if I could shrink myself down,
like in Fantastic Voyage, and get
inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if
there was something
there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
ELAINE
Jer, do you see where this is going?
JERRY
Being really clean and happy?
ELAINE
Jerry, you have tendencies. They're
always annoying, but they were just
tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid
we're talking
disorder.
JERRY
Disorder?
ELAINE
And from disorder, you're a quirk or
two away from full-on dementia.
JERRY
(thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me.
(pointing out of window) Hey, there
it is.
We see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114'
'Adopt-a-Highway'
and 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'.
ELAINE
Shall we stop and say hi?
JERRY
Nah, we've seen it.
ELAINE
Yeah.
(Mile 114)
Kramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic
bags full of
trash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He
has an armful of
assorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief
beep of the
horn is heard.
KRAMER
(shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah,
I'll see you back at the house!
He drops the last handful of trash into a bag.
KRAMER
Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.
He claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road.
He notices
something. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by
traffic.
Kramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve
the can.
His progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes
and the blare of
horns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car
has to come to a
complete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side
of the road,
where he leans on the barrier.
(Apartment Building)
Elaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A.
She knocks at the
door and a guy opens it.
MAN
Yeah?
ELAINE
Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from
across the street. And uh,
(coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much
trouble, if I
could use your apartment to order some food?
MAN
Wha? What d'you want?
ELAINE
You see, there's this certain flounder
and they won't deliver it to my
side of the street.
MAN
Wh, when is that?
ELAINE
No, I just need them to deliver it here
and I have to be kinda inside is
all.
MAN
Who are you with?
ELAINE
No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of
hungry.
MAN
Who let you in?
ELAINE
Well, the lock was broken. You just
have to jiggle it, actually. But, I
just need like a half an hour to an hour.
The man shuts the door in her face.
Elaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door
opposite which
stands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly
a janitor's
closet, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and
a smile comes to
her face.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in
the kitchen
cleaning highway signs in the sink.
JERRY
What's with the signs?
KRAMER
Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry.
My mile is spotless. I mean
the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping
carts (makes
sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.
JERRY
Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.
KRAMER
(holding up a sign) Speed limit, one
hundred and sixty-five miles per
hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids
with the spray
paint, God love 'em.
George enters.
JERRY
Hey. So, keys?
GEORGE
No keys. And I been calling the city
all day. Course there's not really
a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.
JERRY
I guess they leave that up to the general
population.
GEORGE
I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto
was down there, this wouldn't
be happening!
JERRY
Hard to say.
KRAMER
Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos
I met some maintenance guys today
on the highway, they could probably help you out.
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones
from them when I was sweeping my
car-pool lane.
The buzzer buzzes.
JERRY
Yeah?
JENNA
It's Jenna.
Jerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George
and Kramer that
their presence is no longer required.
JERRY
If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like
to ward off dementia.
George and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys.
GEORGE
You think you could hook me up with
these guys?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow.
I'm gonna be at emergency
callbox seven-eight-four.
GEORGE
Seven-eight-four.
Jenna enters.
JENNA
Hey.
JERRY
Hi.
JENNA
How you feeling?
JERRY
Good. My cold's gone, and I've been
looking forwards to kissing you,
which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.
Jenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets
that revolted
look on his again and turns his face away.
JENNA
What?!
JERRY
Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my
lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I
brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice
and hurriedly)
and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't
able to tell you
before you could use it.
JENNA
What?
JERRY
I'm sorry.
JENNA
When were you gonna tell me this?!
JERRY
Obviously never.
The door opens and Kramer enters.
KRAMER
I need the yield sign.
Kramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen.
JERRY
Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of
something. Would you get these signs
out of here, please?
Kramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those
which were on
his table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's
apartment.
KRAMER
You could've introduced me.
JERRY
I wouldn't know where to start.
As Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed
shut. He tries
to open it, but it has been locked.
JERRY
(knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!
Jenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready
to leave.
JENNA
There. Now something of yours has been
in the toilet.
JERRY
What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?
JENNA
Gotta run.
Jenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed,
looking panicky
and disgusted.
JERRY
Oh, man!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning
fluids,
disinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula.
Elaine is
eating an apple and watching him.
JERRY
(into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk
the spatula? Was it the spatula?
Hello? Dammit!
Frustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin.
ELAINE
She won't even give you a hint?
JERRY
No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's
a biohazard.
ELAINE
You know what I bet it is? (points)
Your remote.
JERRY
Yes, that is a definite possibility.
He picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin.
ELAINE
(walking to the couch) Or, could be
your walkman there.
Jerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash,
then a thought
occurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone.
JERRY
Are you just screwing with me?
ELAINE
Yeah, I am.
Jerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the
garbage anyway.
Kramer enters carrying a box.
KRAMER
Hey ah.
JERRY
Hey, how's life on the road?
KRAMER
Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.
JERRY
I don't doubt it.
Kramer puts his box on the kitchen counter.
KRAMER
You should see the smiles on the drivers'
faces. I mean, you gotta look
quick, but they're there.
From the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects.
JERRY
What's this?
KRAMER
Well, you know, those annoying little
bumps on the lane-lines? (makes
noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)
JERRY
Isn't that some kind of safety thing?
KRAMER
Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna
widen the lanes.
JERRY
What the hell are you talking about?
KRAMER
Ah, you know how in planes they got
first class? More leg room, better
ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.
Elaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear.
ELAINE
How are you gonna widen the lanes?
KRAMER
Well you black out lane-lines one and
three, and a four-lane highway
becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any
black paint?
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next
to the riding mower.
ELAINE
(into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order
of supreme flounder, number
forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.
JERRY
One-Q? Whose apartment is that?
ELAINE
That's the janitor closet, across the
street.
JERRY
You're pretending to live in a janitor's
closet, just to get this
flounder?
ELAINE
It's better than eating it alone in
the restaurant, like some loser.
Kramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids,
etc, to his
neck, like a cologne.
KRAMER
That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat
it out of a dumpster.
ELAINE
(heading to door) How do you know about
it? You're not in the delivery
zone.
KRAMER
Well, Newman uses his mail truck to
run fish for China Panda on the
weekends.
ELAINE
Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see
you boys.
Elaine leaves.
KRAMER
Now, where's that tool shed of yours?
(Apartment Building)
The delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at
the door to the
janitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is
a piece of tape
with '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple
of seconds then
knocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around
her head, as if
her hair is wet.
ELAINE
Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was
in the shower.
She takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The
delivery boy is
trying to see past her into the 'apartment'.
ELAINE
I'll see you.
She shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused.
(Eighty-sixth Street)
George stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck
is parked next
to it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man
speaks.
RALPH
You Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming
by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys,
buried in the pothole.
RALPH
What're the keys doing in there?
GEORGE
Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.
RALPH
You put 'em in there?
GEORGE
Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story.
Just uh, try to get it up.
RALPH
Bad place to put your keys.
GEORGE
Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could
you start, working?
RALPH
Difficult job. You want those keys,
we're gonna have to dig this up.
GEORGE
(penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute. (snorts) Is this
about money?
RALPH
Yeah. (snorts) It's about money.
(Mile 114)
Kramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either
side of his
boot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing
him, and the blare
of horns is regularly heard.
Kramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller,
and loads it with
black paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans
out of the door and
rolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car
with his other
hand.
(Apartment Building)
Elaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips,
following the
flounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall
notices her.
MRS ALLISTER
'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?
ELAINE
Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't
in there.
MRS ALLISTER
You were hanging around in there, lazing
on the job. When you
shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old
carpets and
scrap wood.
ELAINE
Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks
teeth with fingernail)
MRS ALLISTER
Don't get smart with me.
ELAINE
(meek) Yes ma'am.
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on
in the middle of
the traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens.
RADIO
Hey, and if you're heading north on
the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly,
for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously
right at
mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the
A-B's a parking lot
out there. Somebody screwed up on that one.
By the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried.
(Janitor's Closet)
Elaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia
- buckets,
brooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's
a knock at the
door. Elaine opens it to find Jerry.
ELAINE
Oh it's you.
JERRY
Is the flounder here yet?
ELAINE
No, it's not here yet. You want the
tour?
Jerry enters, and Elaine closes the door.
ELAINE
(gesturing) There's this.
JERRY
Nice. French doors'd really open this
place up. Oh, but you have a
slop-bucket.
There's another knock at the door.
ELAINE
(gleeful) The fish!
She opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt.
ELAINE
Ah, what're you doing here?
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit
cramped.
GEORGE
Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs
for the jackhammer, thought I'd
drop by.
JERRY
Kramer's guys?
GEORGE
Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks.
I just have to do all the
jackhammering myself.
JERRY
Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour
fantasy camp.
The door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George
who is pushed
into Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry.
GEORGE
Ow!
ELAINE
Uh, man!
Kramer enters the now crowded closet.
KRAMER
Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup.
Elaine, d'you have any paint
thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.
ELAINE
I'm plumb out.
KRAMER
Oh man, if I don't get that black paint
off the City's gonna go ape. I
don't wanna lose my baby!
There's yet another knock at the door. More strident.
MRS ALLISTER
Janitor?
ELAINE
(to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder)
Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs
Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.
Elaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach
the door. The
she has to make room to swing the door inwards.
ELAINE
Here, can you move, you gotta move from
the door.
She succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway.
The crush behind
her slams the door shut.
ELAINE
Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?
MRS ALLISTER
I told you yesterday to haul that trash
outta the basement.
ELAINE
Yeah, I am so sorry.
MRS ALLISTER
Some of the children have been playing
near it and putting it in
their mouths.
ELAINE
Well, a lot of it is vegetable...
In the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment
and supplies in
the cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard
in the hallway.
MRS ALLISTER
Get that stuff outta there today, or
you'll be outta here.
Understand?
ELAINE
(meekly) Yes ma'am.
The janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out.
GEORGE
...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer
spilled ammonia.
JERRY
I don't feel like eating.
KRAMER
(holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm
gonna borrow this, huh?
ELAINE
(to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is
clear that Jerry
has gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was
contaminated - his
kitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of
the usual
knick-knacks.
JENNA
So Jerry, why'd you call me?
JERRY
Well, I thought it's about time we put
aside all this silliness. I know
now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?
JENNA
Yes, I did.
JERRY
Well, whatever. So, how've you been?
JENNA
Good.
JERRY
Good. (pause) Steak knife?
JENNA
Just eating away at you isn't it?
JERRY
Nah.
The door opens and Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hi.
JENNA
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
ELAINE
Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?
JERRY
For what?
ELAINE
I have to haul some dirty garbage to
the dump.
JERRY
Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit)
because there's nothing wrong
with dirt.
ELAINE
Well, actually it's pretty grimy.
JERRY
Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever
it is, you take that stuff and
put it right on my leather upholstery.
He hands the keys to Elaine.
ELAINE
Well, I don't know who you are, but
thanks for the car.
JERRY
Sure. Bye.
ELAINE
Bye.
JENNA
Bye.
ELAINE
Bye.
Elaine leaves.
JERRY
There, you see? I just leant her my
car, and she's gonna fill it with all
sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last
germ-free
sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God,
please, what is
it? What is it?!
JENNA
Toilet brush.
JERRY
Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn,
shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I
can replace that.
JENNA
You wanna order dinner?
JERRY
Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because
I, threw out all my dishes.
(Eighty-sixth Street)
Elaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in
overalls and cap,
grimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder
and some paint
cans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along,
she passes
George who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment
and he touches the
peak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the
jackhammer.
(Street)
Kramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of
his car. He
eventually heaves it in.
(Jenna's Apartment)
Jerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing
(looks like Chinese
food).
JERRY
That's true.
JENNA
Mm.
JERRY
But, I'll tell you this much. I am never
going to let some silly hygienic
mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting
relationship.
(Eighty-sixth Street)
George is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer.
Suddenly, there is
a clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep
rumbling sound,
from beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks
around for the
source of the noise.
(Jenna's Apartment)
Jenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise
can be heard,
though not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet
starts to
rattle.
JENNA
Do you hear something?
They both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom,
the toilet
rattles again, the cistern shaking.
JERRY
I don't know what that could be.
Jenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door.
(Eighty-sixth Street)
There is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from
the ground right
in front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from
above the
rising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring.
HEAD
Holy cow!
The plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking
up at the
height of it.
(Jenna's Apartment)
In the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet,
wondering
what's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living
room, still
talking to her.
JERRY
Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking
towards the future. Clean, dirty,
whatever.
There is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed
by Jenna
screaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes
to see what has
happened.
Jerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is
visible to us, but
it's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result
of a violent
eruption from the toilet bowl.
Jerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry.
JERRY
Holy cow! Have a nice life.
He closes the bathroom door as he leaves.
(Jerry's Car)
Elaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage
from the basement
- old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of
the car reveals
she is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted
lane markers
can be seen.
ELAINE
Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This
is so luxurious. Woo, yeah.
We see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot
falls a
battered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway.
(Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)
Kramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot.
He struggles to
heave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its
side, and the lid
comes off, spilling the contents across the road.
KRAMER
Bugger!
(Newman's Truck)
Newman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes,
marked 'Fresh
Fish'.
NEWMAN
(sings) You're once. Twice. Three times
a lady.
There's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine.
Tyres squeal as
Newman regains control.
NEWMAN
What the hell was that?
The truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught
on the front axle.
As it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks
behind.
(Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)
Kramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices
the warning
labels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'.
KRAMER
Double bugger!
(Newman's Truck)
Newman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing
machine is
almost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing
a shower of
sparks under the truck.
NEWMAN
(sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three
times...
Suddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the
sparks ignite
it. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the
windows. Newman
begins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno.
NEWMAN
Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity!
Aaagh!
(Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)
Kramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and
slams the lid
down. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is
walking stiffly,
and is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and
clothing. He's
staring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending
of his
surroundings.
KRAMER
Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?
Newman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer.
KRAMER
Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo,
hoo-hoo.
Newman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens
can be heard.
Kramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car.
KRAMER
Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?
Kramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off.
The sirens
continue.
KRAMER
Newman! Newman!!
Kramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to
Newman.
KRAMER
Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
He starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres.
Newman
continues his walk.
As the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming
'Aargh!'.
THE END
|
