THE RACE
Written by
Tom Gammill, Max Pross & Larry David
(Comedy club)
The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship.
All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then
a week after it's just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side
of the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door
opens and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas
spirit like it was a drunken stupor, they just wake up one morning
and go, "Oh my god, there's a tree inside the house! Just throw
it anywhere!
(Lois's office)
JERRY
Ready to go Lois?
LOIS
You really like to say my name? Don't
you?
JERRY
Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's
in trouble Lois.
LOIS
Oh, Mr. Meyers this is my friend, Jerry.
DUNCAN
Jerry Seinfeld!
JERRY
Duncan Meyers!
LOIS
You two know each other?
DUNCAN
Yeah! We uh, went to High School together.
Didn't we
Jerry? Gee I hope you're not leaving now. We still have a lot
of work left to do.
LOIS
Would you be able to come all the way
downtown again in rush
hour to pick me up?
JERRY
Well, I'd have to be Superman to do
that Lois.
(Elaine's Apartment)
ELAINE
No, no This is all wrong. Where's the
Chicken Cashew?
LEW
You no order Chicken Cashew.
ELAINE
I didn't order any of this. I'm not
paying for this.
LEW
Fine Benes. We are putting you on our
list.
ELAINE
What list?
LEW
The "do not deliver" list.
ELAINE
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! Well, I guess
we'll just go out.
GEORGE
Yeah. What are you doing with the Daily
Worker?
ELAINE
Ned must have left it here.
GEORGE
Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker?
What is he? A
communist?
ELAINE
HE reads everything, you know, Ned's
very well read.
GEORGE
Maybe he's just "very well RED"?
ELAINE
Communist? Don't you think he probably
would have told
me?
GEORGE
Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive
colored clothing?
ELAINE
Yes, . . . yes he does dress a little
drab.
GEORGE
Huh, he's a communist. . . . Look at
this. "Exciting
uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance
not important." . . . Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable.
Finally this is an ideology I can embrace.
(Jerry enters)
JERRY
Hi oh.
ELAINE
and GEORGE: Hey.
ELAINE
Where's Lois?
JERRY
She couldn't make it.
===========break ========
GEORGE
I can't believe you're really going
out with a woman named
Lois.
JERRY
I know, finally. But George, guess who
her boss is. Duncan Meyers.
GEORGE
Duncan Meyers?
ELAINE
Who's he?
JERRY
Elaine, only one other person in the
world knows what I am about to tell
you and that's George. When we were
in the ninth grade they had us all line
up at one end of the school yard for
this big race to see who was going to
represent the school in this track meet.
ELAINE
Uh uh
JERRY
I was the last one on the end. George
was next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua,
the gym . . .
ELAINE
What's that?
JERRY
Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher.
ELAINE
Oh, of course.
JERRY
He was down at the other end. So he
yells out, "Ready, On your mark, Get
set, " and I was so keyed up I just
took off. By the time he said go I was
ten yards ahead of everybody.
ELAINE
No.
GEORGE
I looked up. I couldn't believe it.
JERRY
By the time the race was over I had
won. I was shocked nobody had noticed
the head start.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
And I had won by so much a myth began
to grow about my
speed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated
me
ever since. Now he's back.
ELAINE
Well what happened when you raced him
again?
JERRY
I never did. In four years of high school
I would never race anyone again. Not
even to the end of the block to catch
a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone
wanted me to race. They begged me. The
track coach called my parents. Pleading.
Telling them it was a sin to waste my
god given talent. But I answered him
in the same way I answered everyone.
I chose not to run.
ELAINE
So now Duncan is back?
JERRY
He's back. And I knew he would be someday.
(drinks) Man
that's some tart cider!
(In Jerry's Car - Lois gets in)
LOIS
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
LOIS
Sorry I missed the Chinese food.
JERRY
Oh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan?
LOIS
He's okay.
JERRY
He say anything?
LOIS
About what?
JERRY
Oh, nothing in particular.
LOIS
. . . Why did you cheat in that race?
JERRY
I did not cheat.
LOIS
He said that you got a head start.
JERRY
Oh, he's just jealous because he came
in second.
LOIS
Really?
JERRY
Yes
LOIS
So you WERE the fastest kid in school.
JERRY
Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.
(Elaine's Apartment)
ELAINE
So how was work? Another day, another
dollar?
NED
I guess.
ELAINE
Oh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta
make those big bucks. . . . money money
money money money money money . . .
ha ha ha ha ah . . . are you a communist?
NED
Yes, as a matter of fact I am.
ELAINE
OH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow,
gee, man it must be a bummer for you
guys what with the fall of the soviet
empire and everything .
NED
Yeah, well, we still got China, and
Cuba,
ELAINE
Yeah, but come on . . .
NED
I know it's not the same.
ELAINE
Well, you had a good run, what was it
75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making
everybody nervous.
NED
Yeah, we had a good run.
ELAINE
Well, so enjoy yourself. (clink glasses)
ha ha uh ha
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
So you lied to her?
JERRY
I couldn't tell her the truth. I don't
know what's going to happen between
us. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll
go straight to Duncan. And I want him
to go to his grave never being certain
I got that
head start.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Well, I'm dating a communist.
JERRY
Wow, a communist. That's something.
ELAINE
Yeah, that's pretty cool isn't it?
GEORGE
Hey, did I tell you I called one of
those girls from the personal ads in
The Daily Worker?
JERRY
The Daily Worker has personal ads?
GEORGE
And they say appearance is not important.
ELAINE
Yours or hers?
(Kramer enters dressed as Santa)
KRAMER
Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone.
Merry Christmas.
JERRY
Wow, look at you. So you got the job.
KRAMER
Yeah, you're looking at the new Santa
at Coleman's Department store.
ELAINE
Oh, congratulations
(Mickey enters)
MICKEY
Come on get your bead on. We're going
to be late.
KRAMER
On Prancer on Dasher, on Donna.
MICKEY
Not Donna, it's Donner.
KRAMER
Donna!
MICKEY
Yeah, right!. On Prancer, on Dancer,
on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet.
JERRY
Hello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together,
what for? I don't know about that, I'll
have to think about it. I'll let you
know. Okay, bye.
GEORGE
What's up?
JERRY
Duncan wants to get together with her
and me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously
wants me to admit I got a head start.
And I don't think she believes me.
GEORGE
He wants to meet you? I'll tell you
what. I'll show up. He doesn't know
we're friends. I'll pretend I haven't
seen you since High School. I'll back
up the story.
JERRY
That's not bad.
GEORGE
Not bad? It's gorgeous!
(Coleman's Department Store)
KRAMER
Ho ho ho Well come on little Princess,
tell Santa what you want. Don't be shy.
MOMICKEY
She doesn't speak English (with a Swedish
accent).
KRAMER
Santa speaks the language of all children.
A notchie watchie dotchie do.
(Child cries and reaches for her mom)
KRAMER
A dotchie cotchie dochie,
KRAMER
Het, Mickey when do we get a break?
My lap is killing me.
MICKEY
There is no break.
KRAMER
A sweat shop.
(Elaine and commie enter)
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey.
(Kid sits on Kramer's lap and they both slide to the floor)
(Yankee Stadium)
ADA
Natalie on line 2.
GEORGE
Natalie?
ADA
From the Daily Worker.
GEORGE
Thank you.
(ADA leaves but listens at the door)
GEORGE
Hello, it's Natalie? Yeah, this is a
business office but I'm not a business
man per se. I'm here working for the
people. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring
the pot. Getting people to question
the whole rotten system.
(Coleman's Department Store)
ILENE
Elaine.
ELAINE
Ilene.
ILENE
Hi.
ELAINE
Hello.
ILENE
Doing a little Christmas shopping?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is Ned. He's a
communist.
ILENE
Oh, really?
ELAINE
Yep . . . a big communist, a big big
communist.
ILENE
Oh, well, it's awfully nice to see you.
See you later.
ELAINE
Bye bye
ELAINE
Hey, listen while we're here why don't
we do a little shirt shopping?
NED
Out of the question.
ELAINE
Um. Kramer!
KRAMER
Hi
ELAINE
Hi, oh hi Mickey, this is Ned
KRAMER
Oh, hey, hi buddy.
ELAINE
You guys stay here, I'll be right back.
KRAMER
Eight hours of jingle belling and ho
ho hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out.
NED
Anyone who works here is a sap.
(Mickey attacks Ned)
MICKEY
Watch it!
KRAMER
Woah, woah, come on.
NED
You understand the Santa's at Bloomfields
are making double what you are?
KRAMER
Double?
NED
I bet the beard itches doesn't it?
KRAMER
You got that straight.
NED
So when you get a rash all over your
face in January do you think Coleman's
will be there with a
medical plan?
MICKEY
Look, you take that commie crap out
into the street.
NED
Kramer, I've got some literature in
my car that will change your whole way
of thinking.
KRAMER
Talk to me baby.
MICKEY
Don't listen to him Kramer, you've got
a good job here.
(Monks)
DUNCAN
But there's no way you could have beaten
me by that much. I already beaten you
in Junior High School three times.
JERRY
I didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade.
That's what gave me my speed. Besides,
if I got a head start why didn't Mr.
Bevilacqua stop the race?
(George enters)
DUNCAN
That's what I've always wondered about.
JERRY
Well, I . . . (sees George)
GEORGE
Oh, my God, No, oh my God, . . . Jerry!
JERRY
I'm sorry, uh,
GEORGE
George, George Costanza!
JERRY
Oh, George Costanza , Kennedy High.
GEORGE
Yes yes yes This is unbelievable.
DUNCAN
Hi, George
GEORGE
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't
tell me, don't tell me. It starts with
a . . . Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this
is something. I haven't seen you guys
in what, twenty years?
JERRY
This is Lois.
LOIS
Hello.
GEORGE
So what have you been doing with yourself?
JERRY
I'm I'm a comedian.
GEORGE
Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know
about that. I don't watch much TV. I
like to read. So what do you do, a lot
of that "did you ever notice?" this
kind of stuff.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah
GEORGE
It strikes me a lot of guys are doing
that kind of humor now.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald
there, didn't you?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah.
JERRY
You really used to have a think full
head of hair.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started
losing it when I was about twenty-eight
right around the time I made my first
million. You know what they say. The
first million is the hardest one.
JERRY
yeah, yeah.
LOIS
What do you do?
GEORGE
I'm an architect.
LOIS
Have you designed any buildings in New
York?
GEORGE
Have you seen the new addition to the
Guggenheim?
LOIS
You did that?
GEORGE
Yep. And it didn't take very long either.
JERRY
Well you've really built yourself up
into something.
GEORGE
Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry.
JERRY
Well, one cannot help( but wonder what
brings you into a crummy little coffee
shop like this.
GEORGE
Well, I like to stay in touch with the
people.
JERRY
Ah, you know you have a hole in your
sneaker there. What is that canvas?
GEORGE
You know my driver's waiting, I really
should get running. Good to see you
guys again.
JERRY
George, George, hang on. I haven't seen
you in so long.
GEORGE
Ha, uh,
JERRY
I thought we might reminisce a little
more. You know Duncan and I were just
taking about the big race.
GEORGE
Oh, the big race.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Yes, yes,.
LOIS
You were there?
GEORGE
Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember
that day. Well I'll never forget it
because that was the day that I uh,
lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford,
the uh, voluptuous home room teacher.
DUNCAN
Miss Stafford?
GEORGE
Yes, yes, you know I was in detention
and she came up behind me while I was
erasing the blackboard . . .
JERRY
George!
GEORGE
But I digress. Let me see, now. You
were standing at one end of the line
and I was right next to you. And I remember
we were even for like, the first five
yards and then , BOOM,...You were gone.
JERRY
Did I get a head start?
GEORGE
Head start, oh no absolutely not.
JERRY
You satisfied? So you see?
DUNCAN
No, I'm still not convinced and I never
will be.
LOIS
Why don't the two of you just race again?
DUNCAN
That's a good idea.
JERRY
No, no, no, another race - out of the
question.
DUNCAN
I know, you've been saying that for
twenty years because you know you can't
beat me. You couldn't beat me then and
you can't beat me now.
LOIS
Race him Jerry. Race him.
JERRY
All right! I'll do it. The race is on.
(Jerry's apartment)
ELAINE
. . . shut up! (?)
JERRY
And he's calling all these people from
High School to come and watch. I knew
this day would come. I can't do it.
I can't go through with it. I'm calling
it off. I can't let the legend die.
It's like a kid finding out there's
no Santa Claus
(Street)
KRAMER
Each according to his ability, to each
according to his needs.
MICKEY
What does that mean?
KRAMER
Well, if you've got needs and abilities
that's a pretty good combination.
MICKEY
So what if I want to open up a delicatessen?
KRAMER
There are no delicatessens under Communism.
MICKEY
Why not?
KRAMER
Well, because the meats are divided
into a class system. You got Pastrami
and Corned Beef in one class and Salami
and Bologna in another. That's not right.
MICKEY
So you can't get Corned Beef?
KRAMER
Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo,
maybe.
(Jerry's Apartment)
GEORGE
(on phone) . It's George Costanza. .
are there any messages for me? Why does
Mr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his
office? . . . Communist? I'm not a Communist
. . . . All right, all right. All right,
I'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary
Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist
Now he wants to see me
in his office.
JERRY
So you'll just explain to him you're
not a Communist.
You just called the woman for a date.
(Phone rings)
JERRY
Hello, oh hi Duncan, 4:00 o'clock tomorrow?
That is not
going to work. . . . Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose
not to run!
(Elaine's Apartment)
NED
I'm sorry Elaine. The shirt's too fancy.
ELAINE
Just because you're a communist, does
that mean you can't wear anything nice?
You look like Trotsky. It's gorgeous.
Fine, you want to be a Communist, be
a Communist. Can't you at least look
like a successful Communist?
NED
All right, I'll try it on.
ELAINE
I'm going to order Chinese Food.
NED
You're ordering from Hop Sing's, right?
ELAINE
Ugh, does it have to be Hop Sing's.
I kind of had a fight with him.
NED
Elaine, when my father was black listed
he couldn't work for years. He and his
friends used to sit at Hop Sing's every
day figuring out how to survive.
ELAINE
You're father was blacklisted?
NED
Yes he was, and you know why? Because
he was betrayed by people he trusted.
They "named names".
ELAINE
Okay, okay. (phones) Um, yeah, hi, I'd
like delivery please to 16 West 75th
St. apartment 2G.
LEW
I know that address. You're Benes, right.
You're on our list. No more delivery.
ELAINE
No. no, she doesn't live here anymore.
This is someone else.
LEW
Oh, yeah. What's the name?
ELAINE
Why do you need the name? You already
have the address.
LEW
We need a name. Give us a name.
ELAINE
Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff.
(Coleman's Department Store)
KID
I want a racing car set.
KRAMER
Ho ho ho ho A racing car set! Those
are assembled in Tai Wan by kids like
you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell
it at triple the cost.
KID
But I want a racing car set.
KRAMER
You see kid, you're being bamboozaled.
These capatalist fat cats are inflating
the profit margin and reducing your
total number of toys.
KID
Hey, this guy's a COMMIE!
MICKEY
Hey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little
boy like you learn such a bad word like
that? Huh?
KID
Commie, Commie, Commie . . . (unknown)
.
MICKEY
Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot
how his good friend stuck his neck out
for him to get him a good job like this.
Didn't he Santa!
STORE MANAGER
Is there a problem here?
KRAMER
ho ho ho ho.
KID
This guy's a Commie. He's spreading
propoganda.
STORE MANAGER
Oh yeah? Well that's enough pinko! You're
through. The both of ya'
MICKEY
I got two kids in college.
KRAMER
You can't fire me, I'm Santa Claus.
STORE MANAGER
Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out
of here.
(Jerry's Car)
JERRY
Hi how are you?
LOIS
. . . Fine.
JERRY
What's the matter?
LOIS
I just spoke to Duncan. He said if you
don't race, he's going to fire me.
JERRY
What? He can't do that.
LOIS
Yes he can. He controls the means of
production. What are you going to do
Jerry?
JERRY
Don't worry Lois. I'll think of something.
(Elaine's Apartment)
LEW
Ah, I knew it was you! You tried to
trick Hop Sing! You are onour list;
Elaine Benes! And now you are on our
list; Ned Isakoff.
NED
You got me blacklisted from Hop Sing's?
LEW
She named name!
(Steinbrenner's Office)
GEORGE
You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
STEINBRENNER
Yes George, I did. Come in, come in.
George, the wordaround the office is
that you're a Communist.
GEORGE
C-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first
and foremost.
STEINBRENNER
You know George, it struck me today
me that a Communistpipeline into the
vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent
could be thegreatest thing ever to happen
to this organization.
GEORGE
Sir?
STEINBRENNER
You could be invaluable to this franchise.
George,
there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look
at;
something Rodriguez, I don't really know his name. You get yourselfdown
to Havana right away.
GEORGE
Yes, sir. Yes sir, do my best.
STEINBRENNER
Good, Merry Christmas George. And bring
me back some of those cigars in the
cedar boxes, you know the ones with
the fancy rings? I love those fancy
rings. They kind of distract you while
you're smoking. The red and yellow are
nice. It looks good against the brown
of the cigar. The Maduro, I like the
Maduro wrapper. The darker the better,
that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's
good too. That's more of a pale brown,
almost like a milky coffee. (George
exits) I find the ring size very confusing.
They have it in centimeters which I
don't really understand that well...
(On the Street)
MICKEY
That was quick! Nice job, Santa!
KRAMER
Yeah,
MICKEY
I knew that Commie stuff was going to
get us in trouble.
KRAMER
Yeah, well I didn't realize that was
such a sensitive issue.
MICKEY
Communism, You didn't realize Communism
was a sensitive issue? What do you think
has been going on in the world for the
past 60 years? Wake up and smell the
coffee.
K I guess I screwed up!
MICKEY
You sure did. Big time.
(Street - race begins)
ELAINE
How do you feel?
JERRY
I need a miracle.
DUNCAN
Now you're going to see what kind of
liar you're mixed up with.
LOIS
If he beats you I want a big raise.
DUNCAN
If he beats me, I'll not only give you
a raise, I'll send you to Hawaii for
two weeks.
KRAMER
I parked in front of that restaurant
. As soon as this race is over I got
to go to the airport.
GEORGE
Okay, all right, all right.
MR. BEVILACQUA
You ready boys?
JERRY
Yes, Mr. Beviacqua
MR. BEVILACQUA
Okay, this is hoiw it works. You take
your marks, I say, READY - ON YOUR MARK
- GET SET - and then fire. You got it?
DUNCAN
and JERRY: Yes Mr. Bevilacqua.
(Kramer enters his car)
(Mr. Bevilacqua raises gun)
MR. BEVILACQUA
READY - ON YOUR MARK
(Kramer's car backfires)
(Jerry is off early and wins the race - the crowd goes crazy
- )
LOIS
So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?
JERRY
Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will.
(Jerry winks at camera like in the Superman movie)
(Havana)
(George enters Castro's office (like Steinbrenner)
GEORGE
You wanted to see me, El Presidente?
CASTRO
Si, si. (a Spanish word I can't figure
out) Come here.
I understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh?
GEORGE
Si, si.
CASTRO
Ordinarily I would not grant such a
request but I've heard you
are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh?
GEORGE
Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy.
CASTRO
Well good, then you can have your pick.
GEORGE
Oh, oh!
CASTRO
They will play for your Yankees.
GEORGE
Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias.
Muy muy.
CASTRO
And I would be honored if you would
be my guest for dinner tonight at the
Presidential palace. There will be girls
there and, I hear, some pretty good
food. Of course the problem with parties
is you invariably have to eat standing
up which I don't care for but on the
other hand I don't like to balance a
plate on my lap either. Once when I
was at a party, I put my plate on someone's
piano. I assure you, if I had not been
a dictator, I would not have been able
to get away with that one.
THE END
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