THE RED DOT
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit
of a scary place to work. I don't know
how you feel about it. You want to be
standing there having people comming
in all day going "I need knives. I need
more knives. Do you have any bigger
knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big,
long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in
the market for. I like them really sharp.
Do you have one with hooks and gouges
like blades and kind of serrated? That's
the kind of knife I'm looking for. I
need one I can throw. I need another
one I can just hack away with. Do you
have anything like that?
(Commercial)
At a party
JERRY
Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking
about.
GEORGE
Like you do.
JERRY
Well what do you think? They put the
statue on a giant raft and a tugboat
pulled it all the way from France?
GEORGE
What do you think? The brought it over
in pieces and screwed it together like
a coffee table?
JERRY
I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas
party isn't it?
GEORGE
Why did France give that to us anyway?
JERRY
It was a gift.
GEORGE
So countries just exchange gifts like
that?
JERRY
If they like each other.
GEORGE
There's Elaine.
JERRY
See that guy he's talking with? That's
her new boyfriend.
GEORGE
Really? They work here in the office?
JERRY
Yeah. They're having a little fling
so don't say anything.
GEORGE
Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like
I've got nothing better to talk about.
JERRY
You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two
years.
GEORGE
"Off the wagon"?
JERRY
I think it's off the wagon.
GEORGE
I think it's "on the wagon".
ELAINE
Jerry, George, what are you doing here?
JERRY
What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding
out a present)
ELAINE
*gasp* My god! My watch! You found my
watch! (pushing Jerry)
JERRY
Hey keep your hands to yourself if you
know what's good for you.
ELAINE
Where did you find it?
JERRY
Under the sofa cushion.
ELAINE
And you stopped by just to give it to
me?
JERRY
It's your Christmas present.
ELAINE
I though I'd never find it.
GEORGE
Well today's your lucky day.
ELAINE
No. Today's *your* lucky day.
GEORGE
It will be my first one.
ELAINE
You want to work here?
GEORGE
Huh?
ELAINE
Yeah one of the readers left and there's
a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and
this is George.
DICK
Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy?
JERRY
"The guy?"
ELAINE
(softly to Dick) Dick.
GEORGE
How can you just get it?
ELAINE
My boss told me to find someone. I'm
in charge of it. All you have to do
is meet him. Come on. Come on, come
on, here hold my drink.
JERRY
Cranberry juice?
ELAINE
And vodka.
DICK
I got the cranberry juice.
DICK
So... you're Jerry.
JERRY
So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)
BOSS
So have you ever done this kind of work
before?
GEORGE
Well, you know, book reports. That kind
of stuff.
BOSS
How do you read?
GEORGE
I like Mike Lubika.
BOSS
Mike Lubika?
GEORGE
He's a sports writer for the daily news.
I find him very insightful...
BOSS
No, no, no. I mean authors.
GEORGE
Lot of good ones. I don't even want
to mention anyone because I'm afraid
I'm going to leave somebody out.
BOSS
Name a couple.
GEORGE
Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.
BOSS
Art Vandelay?
GEORGE
He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the
village.
BOSS
What has he written?
GEORGE
Venetian Blinds.
DICK
(picking up the drink) I've got new
for you. I'm funnier than you are.
JERRY
Why don't get we together New Years
day and watch some football.
ELAINE
Where's my drink?
JERRY
There. (turns to George) So, how did
it go?
GEORGE
I think he was impressed.
ELAINE
No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.
JERRY
Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up
yours.
ELAINE
Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic.
I told you to hold it.
JERRY
I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I
thought you meant hold it.
ELAINE
One drink like that and he could fall
right off the wagon.
GEORGE
Told you.
At a clothing store.
JERRY
I never feel comfortable in the women's
department. I feel like I'm just a *little*
too close to trying on a dress.
GEORGE
Do I really have to buy her something?
JERRY
Hey the woman got you a job. The least
you could do is buy her a gift. How
about this?
GEORGE
What is that? Is that cashmere?
JERRY
Yeah. She would love cashmere.
GEORGE
Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one
person in the world that doesn't like
cashmere. It's too expensive.
JERRY
Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked
down from 600.
GEORGE
Wow. Excuse me, Miss?
WOMAN
Yes?
GEORGE
How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?
WOMAN
(showing the dot) Oh, here. This is
why.
GEORGE
What? I don't see anything.
WOMAN
See this red dot?
GEORGE
Oh yeah.
JERRY
Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)
GEORGE
(grabbing the sweater back) Well it's
not really damaged. 85 dollars huh?
WOMAN
There's no exchanges on this.
GEORGE
You think she would care about the red
dot?
JERRY
It's hard to say.
GEORGE
I don't even think she'd notice it.
Can you see it?
JERRY
Well I can see it.
GEORGE
Yeah, but you know where it is.
JERRY
Well what do you want me to do? Not
look at it?
GEORGE
Pretend you didn't know it was there.
Can you see it?
JERRY
It's hard to pretend because I know
where it is.
GEORGE
Well just take an overview. Can't you
just take an overview?
JERRY
You want me to take an overview?
GEORGE
Please.
JERRY
I see a very cheap man holding a sweater
trying to get away with something. That's
my overview.
At Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Yeah so?
ELAINE
He's acting very strangely. I think
he started drinking again.
JERRY
Oh boy, can you smell it?
ELAINE
No. I can't smell it.
JERRY
Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't
been drinking.
ELAINE
You don't always smell someone from
a drink.
JERRY
Yes you do.
ELAINE
What about one drink? Would you smell
it from one drink?
JERRY
Yes you would.
Kramer enters
JERRY
I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor?
KRAMER
Okay.
JERRY
Would you take a drink and let us smell
you?
KRAMER
You can smell me without the drink.
ELAINE
I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might
be drinking but I can't smell it.
KRAMER
Okay, well what am I drinking? What
do you got?
JERRY
I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave
me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for
two years. I've been using it as a paint
thinner.
Kramer drinks.
KRAMER
All right.
Elaine and Jerry lean up really close to him.
JERRY
I don't smell anything.
ELAINE
Maybe we're too close to the bottle.
Jerry's buzzer buzzes.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
(over the speaker) It's George.
JERRY
Come on up.
KRAMER
That is *damn* good scotch. I could
do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm,
boy that Hennigans goes down smooth.
And afterwords you don't even smell.
That's right folks. I just had three
shots of Hennigans and I don't smell.
Imagine, you can walk around drunk all
day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell,
no-tell scotch.
GEORGE
Hello everybody.
KRAMER
Hey. (snuggling really close to George)
I'm going to tell you what I think.
I know you don't care what I think,
but I'm going to tell you. I think that
you are terrific.
GEORGE
(uncomfortablly) Thank you.
ELAINE
Hey what's that?
GEORGE
It's an early Christmas present.
ELAINE
Christmas present? For who?
GEORGE
For you.
ELAINE
*gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here.
KRAMER
Say you got a big job interview, and
you're a little nervous. Well throw
back a couple shots of Hennigans and
you'll be as loose as a goose and ready
to roll in no time. And because it's
odorless, why, it will be our little
secret. (singing) h-e-double n...
JERRY
Kramer. Yeah that'll do.
ELAINE
(opening the present) Oh George, this
is beautiful. Is this cashmere?
GEORGE
Of course it's cashmere.
ELAINE
Oh, I love cashmere.
GEORGE
Well who doesn't.
ELAINE
My, George this must have cost a fortune.
GEORGE
Ahh, money.
ELAINE
Jerry, how could you let him spend so
much money?
JERRY
I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He
just wants to make people happy.
ELAINE
George, this is one of the nicest things
anyone has ever given me.
GEORGE
Well good, good. Take it off you're
going to wear it out already. It's for
special occasions this thing.
KRAMER
What's that red dot on your sweater?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Just take it off. I'm getting hot just
looking at it.
ELAINE
Uhh. This. It's like a red dot.
GEORGE
What red dot? What are you talking about?
Jerry come here for a second. Do you
see anything here?
JERRY
(uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh,
I don't know.
ELAINE
What don't you know?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
Well do you see it or don't you?
JERRY
Ahem. Say that again?
ELAINE
Do you see it or don't you?
JERRY
Do I see it... or don't I? That's the
question.
Jerry goes to the counter and pours some scotch. He drinks it.
He comes back groggy.
JERRY
Now what did you ask me again.
Kramer is snoring.
(Commercial)
(Whew, Jerry is saved by the bell.)
At the office. Elaine is walking by.
ELAINE
You're still here. You're a dynamo.
GEORGE
I can't believe I get paid for this.
ELAINE
I'll see you tomorrow.
Elaine walks out. George gets back to work. The cleaning lady
comes by.
GEORGE
How you doing?
CLEANING LADY
Hello.
The lady starts cleaning. George has a thought. He watches the
lady as she is cleaning.
At Monk's.
JERRY
You had sex with the cleaning woman
on your desk? Who are you, how did you
do that?
GEORGE
Hennigans. I was there sitting in the
office and the cleaning woman comes
in. I've always been attracted to cleaning
women. Cleaning women, chambermaids.
JERRY
Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to
them too.
GEORGE
Why is that?
JERRY
It's a woman in your room. So go ahead.
GEORGE
So she starts vaccuming, back and forth,
back and forth, her hips swivelling,
her breasts, uh... (trying to think
of a word)
JERRY
Convulsing?
GEORGE
Convulsing?
JERRY
I don't know, I'm trying to help you.
GEORGE
Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.
JERRY
You don't drink.
GEORGE
I know but I couldn't think of anything
else to say to her.
JERRY
So you started drinking.
GEORGE
So we started drinking, and I'll tell
you I don't know if it was the alcohol
or the ammonia, but the next think I
knew she was mopping the floor with
me.
JERRY
So how was it?
GEORGE
Well the sex was okay, but I threw up
from the Hennigans.
JERRY
Good thing the cleaning lady was there.
At Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
Dick was fired.
JERRY
You mean to tell me if I had put that
drink six inches over to the right,
and none of this would have happened.
ELAINE
You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd
you put the drink down at all?
JERRY
What are you saying?
ELAINE
I'm not saying anything.
JERRY
You're saying something.
ELAINE
What could I be saying?
JERRY
Well you're not saying nothing you must
be saying something.
ELAINE
If I was saying something I would have
said it.
JERRY
Well why don't you say it?
ELAINE
I said it.
JERRY
What did you say?
ELAINE
Nothing. It's exhausting being with
you.
Jerry's buzzer buzzes.
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
(over the speaker) It's George.
JERRY
Come on up.
ELAINE
Hey, let me ask you something something.
Did George buy that sweater knowing
the red dot was on it because it was
cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay,
you just gave me the answer.
JERRY
No I didn't.
ELAINE
Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your
expression.
JERRY
I didn't have an expression. I have
a deviated septum. I have to open my
mouth sometimes to breathe.
ELAINE
How much did he save?
JERRY
Frankly I am shocked that you would
ask such a question (Elaine sticking
out her tongue like she isn't buying
a word of it) of me, that you would
think - the only surprise is how you
could even think of that. That's what
you were seeing.
Elaine gets up and goes into the bathroom.
GEORGE
I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing
lady is turning the screws on me. She's
pushing for this whole relationship
thing. She keeps calling me, threatening
to go to the boss with this thing, I
could lose my job, I gotta do something
to keep her quiet.
JERRY
Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise
to whole red dot thing. She's asking
me all kinds of questions.
GEORGE
Did you tell her anything?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Do you swear?
JERRY
I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear.
GEORGE
Oh you told her didn't you.
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Hey George, did you buy that sweater
knowing that red dot was on it because
you could get it at a discount?
GEORGE
What? Did I what?
ELAINE
You did didn't you.
GEORGE
Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked.
Here I go out in the spirit of the season
(Elaine looking like she's not buying
a word of it) and spend all my savings
to buy you the most beautiful Christmas
sweater I have ever seen to show my
appreciation to you at Christmas and
this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.
ELAINE
Well Jerry told me that you did.
GEORGE
You told her? How could you tell her?
I told you not to say anything.
JERRY
I didn't tell her you stupid idiot.
She tricked you.
GEORGE
Elaine you don't understand. I had 103
temperature when I bought that sweater.
I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots
everywhere. I thought everything in
the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't
distinguish one red dot from another.
I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing.
I haven't worked for a really long time.
(Jerry is standing right behind George.
Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts
fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have
no clothes, look at what I'm wearing.
It's just a little red dot.
At the office.
GEORGE
This is for you.
LADY
Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me?
Oh I knew you cared for me.
GEORGE
As you care for me. Which is why it
is very important that you never breathe
a word of this to anyone about the...
you know. What, with Clarence Thomas
and everything.
LADY
Okay, okay, can I open it now?
GEORGE
Yes of course go ahead. My guess is
you're going to like this very much.
LADY
Oh! Is that cashmere?
GEORGE
Of course it's cashemere.
LADY
A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie!
GEORGE
Just a little something for Christmas.
LADY
When I was a little girl in Panama,
a rich American came to our town and
he was wearing the softest most beautiful
sweater. I said to him, "what do you
call this most beautiful fabric?", and
he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated
the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked
if I could have it, and he said "No.
Get away from me." Then he started walk
away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming
for him to give me the sweater and he
dragged me through the street. And then
he kicked at me with the other foot
and threw some change at me. Oh, but
I didn't want the change Georgie. I
wanted the cashmere.
GEORGE
I had a feeling you would like it. No,
don't try it on now, try it on later.
LADY
Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful.
GEORGE
Take it off. You're going to ruin it.
LADY
(noticing the dot) What's this?
At the comedy club.
JERRY
I was in the men's room the other day
and they had the hand blower, instead
of the paper towels, you know this thing.
I like the hand blower I have to say.
It takes a little bit longer, but I
feel when you're in a room with a revolting
stench you want to spend as much time
as you can.
DICK
The only stench is comming from you.
AUDIENCE
Oooooh.
JERRY
Oh, wait a second, I believe we have
a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey
Dick I don't know what your problem
is. It's not my fault you're back on
the wagon.
DICK
It's off the wagon.
JERRY
In the old days how do you think they
got the alcohol from town to town?
DICK
I don't know.
JERRY
On the wagon. Don't you think they broke
into a couple of those bottles along
the way?
DICK
You can't drink on a wagon it would
be too bumpy.
JERRY
They had smooth trails. What about the
Cumberland Gap?
DICK
What the hell do you know about wagons?
JERRY
I know enough not to get on them.
In the boss' office.
BOSS
I'm going to get right to the point.
It has come to my attention that you
and the cleaning woman have engaged
in sexual intercourse on the desk in
your office. Is that correct?
GEORGE
Who said that?
BOSS
She did.
GEORGE
Was that wrong? Should I have not done
that? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance
on this thing because if anyone had
said anything to me at all when I first
started here that that sort of thing
was frouned upon, you know, cause I've
worked in a lot of offices and I tell
you peope do that all the time.
BOSS
You're fired.
GEORGE
Well you didn't have to say it like
that.
BOSS
I want you out of here by the end of
the day.
GEORGE
What about the whole Christmas spirit
thing? Any flexability there?
BOSS
Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give
you this.
He tosses the sweater and it lands right on top of George's face.
George walks out of the office "wearing" it.
In the hall of the office.
ELAINE
You had sex on your desk with the cleaning
woman.
GEORGE
You never had sex in the office before?
ELAINE
No. I once made out with someone but
that was it.
GEORGE
Alright so you made out with someone.
ELAINE
Well that's not sex.
GEORGE
Kissing is sex.
ELAINE
Kissing is not sex.
JERRY
George?
GEORGE
Jerry.
ELAINE
Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next
to Dick's on purpose?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
George?
GEORGE
Over here.
ELAINE
What are you doing here?
JERRY
I'm taking the kid out to dinner to
chear him up.
ELAINE
Hey Jerry when do you consider that
sex has taken place?
JERRY
I would say when the nipple makes its
first appearance.
(Commercial)
ELAINE
So, George told me that you left the
drink next to Dick's on purpose.
JERRY
Nice try. So guess who heckled me at
the club last night.
*crash*
DICK
Merry Christmas.
ELAINE
Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear.
GEORGE
Hide, hide under the desk.
ELAINE
Ow, ow move over.
JERRY
Get off of me.
ELAINE
I've got no room.
Dick walks over dragging behind him a Christmas tree. He looks
down and notices them under the table. George holds out the sweater,
his hand shaking.
DICK
Is that cashmere?
GEORGE
Of course it's cashmere.
DICK
(noticing the dot) What's this?
At the comedy club.
JERRY
But in a way, I think I inadvertantly
turned this guy into an alcoholic. I
hate being around alcoholics because
they're either telling you how much
they love you or how much they hate
you. And those are the two statements
that scare me the most. But I think
he's okay now because I have no idea
how he feels about me. He's finally
off the wagon.
DICK
You mean on the wagon.
JERRY
Don't get smart.
THE END
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