THE ROBBERY
Written by
Matt Goldman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
So I move into the centre lane, now
I get ahead of this
women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that
I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...
the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous
thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.
(shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what
does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm
supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work?
I
mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't
you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the
finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've
gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and
uh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to
person driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his
foot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,
isn't it ?
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting
at the table watching Jerry)
JERRY
Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the
mini-umbrella,
something boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with
exaggerated motions) That's it. Done!
ELAINE
(claps her hands) That is the single
greatest packing
performance I have ever seen.
JERRY
(proudly) I am...the master packer.
ELAINE
(laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master
packer.
JERRY
What you must understand, Elaine, (picks
up the
umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into
BATTLE
you've gotta know the strengths and
weaknesses (hits
his bag rhythmically with his umbrella) of every soldier in
that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of
ordinary black socks.
ELAINE
'Scuse me...master packer!
JERRY
...Yes.
ELAINE
Just gimme your keys.
JERRY
Alright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys;
apartment buzzer
goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George?
GEORGE
(outside over the intercom) Yeah
ELAINE
(Jerry opens the door) OK, so, now,
is there anything
else I need to know 'bout this place?
JERRY
uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes
a little while to
come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all
your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.
ELAINE
OK, this is quite a place.
JERRY
There's more, the refrigerator. (Opens
it) Deduct a
minimum of two days of all expiration dates. (uses the
umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator)
No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (closes the refrigerator)
that clear?
ELAINE
I'll eat out.
JERRY
One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual
activity:
strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a
BIG FAVOUR
do it in the tub.
GEORGE
(walks in) Ready?
JERRY
Yeah, one sec.
GEORGE
(closes the door) Hey, Elaine
ELAINE
Hi.
GEORGE
Coming to the airport with us?
ELAINE
No, I'm staying here for the weekend.
I'm getting a
break from my roommate.
GEORGE
Oh, the actress-waitress.
ELAINE
No, the waitress-actress. She just got
some part in
some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all
day
"God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it
right in her...
GEORGE
You just kick her out.
ELAINE
She's on the lease!...George you have
got to find an
other place for me.
GEORGE
Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something
good in
your price-range. (looks like he remembers something and turns
to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.
JERRY
I'm not looking.
GEORGE
No no no, this one's different, this
one's a beauty!
JERRY
Yeah, what's it like?
GEORGE
I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom",
it's
on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?
JERRY
How much?
GEORGE
Uh, twice what you pay in here, but
it's a great
building, it's two bedrooms!
JERRY
Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms?
I got enough
trouble maintaining activity in one. (George looks at Elaine
with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around) I saw that.
ELAINE
You oughtta least take a look at it.
JERRY
Really? Why?
ELAINE
'Cause then I could move in here.
JERRY
Ooohhhh
ELAINE
It's time you got out a here anyway.
GEORGE
Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double
parked here.
ELAINE
Listen, Jerry, this place is falling
apart. You have
no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...
GEORGE
Let's not forget the radiator, the steam
has been on
here for ten years; no human can turn this off.
ELAINE
Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now,
you should at
least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live
like this.
JERRY
Like this? You just said, you wanted
to live here.
ELAINE
Well, for me it's a step up. It's like
moving from
Island to Finland.
GEORGE
Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you
wanna see the
place or not?
JERRY
I can't think about it now. Come on,
I'm going to
Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his
bags.)
JERRY
Elaine! (puts his bags down, sits down
on the couch,
picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV)
JERRY
(notices the TV is missing) ELAINE!
ELAINE
(from the bathroom) JERRY! (enters the
living-room)
Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?
JERRY
Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's
the VCR.
(Elaine looks guilty) What?
ELAINE
They were stolen.
JERRY
Stolen? When?
ELAINE
A couple a hours ago, the police are
coming right
over.
JERRY
Stolen?
ELAINE
(Kramer enters the apartment) Someone
left the door
open. (it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the
bathroom)
JERRY
(to Kramer) You left the door open?!
KRAMER
Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin'
and I, I uh, I
came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause
I was gonna bring the spatula right back!
JERRY
Wait, you left the lock open or the
door open?
KRAMER
(bobs his head guiltily) The door.
JERRY
The door? You left the door open?
KRAMER
Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula
right back.
JERRY
Yeah, and?
KRAMER
Well, I got caught up... watching a
soap opera...(with
a broken voice) The Bold and the Beautiful
JERRY
So the door was wide open?
KRAMER
Wide open!
JERRY
(Elaine enters the living-room) And
where were you?
ELAINE
I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for
the shower to
heat up.
KRAMER
Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you
have insurance,
right buddy?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
(looks shocked) How can you not have
insurance?
JERRY
Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo
D. 29, it's
the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only
ONE DESIGN FLAW
the door...(shuts the door) must be
CLOSED.
KRAMER
Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm
gonna solve it,
I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!
JERRY
Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me
back, it was an
accident.
KRAMER
(theatrical) I made a mistake.
ELAINE
(idem) These things happen
KRAMER
(idem) I'm human
JERRY
In your way.
(Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a
report. Jerry and Elaine are there.)
POLICEMAN
Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo,
one leather
jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?
ELAINE
Answering machine.
JERRY
(disappointed) Answering machine. Oh,
I hate the idea
of somebody out there returning my calls.
POLICEMAN
What do ya mean?
JERRY
It's a joke.
POLICEMAN
I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll
look into
it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find
anything.
JERRY
You ever find anything?
POLICEMAN
No. (hands Jerry his copy of the report)
JERRY
Well, thanks anyway.
POLICEMAN
You bet.
ELAINE
(Policeman leaves the apartment, while
George enters)
I didn't get that joke either.
JERRY
The crook has the machine. The messages
aren't for him.
HE'S THE CROOK
why would he answer...(turns around
and sees
George standing behind him) How did you get in here?
GEORGE
(makes some weird motions) I walked
in, your lobby
door is broken again.
JERRY
Again.
GEORGE
I don't know how you put up with this.
ELAINE
Yeah, tell'm George.
JERRY
(to Elaine) You would still wanna move
in here?
ELAINE
Yes! You don't understand. I'm living
with Ethel
Merman without the talent.
JERRY
(to George) Is that uh, other apartment
still
available. (George shows him the keys)
(Comedy club.)
JERRY
I got ripped off for about the...18th
time? And now,
the first couple a times you go through it, it's very
upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will
SAY
"Call the police. You really should
call the police." So
"Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna
see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police
GIVE YOU
your copy. Now...unless they give the
crook his
copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do
you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the
city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few
crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for
their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot.
"Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can
round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him,
he's a PENGUIN!
(The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry
are entering the apartment.)
ELAINE
(looks around) Oh, well, come on...this
is an
apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a
fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? (takes a closer
look at the fireplace)
GEORGE
I didn't know there was a fireplace.
A fireplace, this
is incredible.
JERRY
How do you get all that wood in here?
ELAINE
They deliver it.
JERRY
They deliver wood?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"?
GEORGE
(looking intensively at the form with
the apartment
description) I didn't know there was a fireplace?
ELAINE
Look! Look at...look at this! There's
a garden.
GEORGE
A garden! I can't believe there's a
garden!
JERRY
Would I have to get a gardener?
ELAINE
Yeah, you can get a gardener.
JERRY
You tip him?
ELAINE
You can.
GEORGE
(to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener!
ELAINE
You can tip a gardener.
GEORGE
You don't need a gardener.
ELAINE
Jerry, you can barbecue back here (points
to garden).
JERRY
They deliver the coal?
ELAINE
Sure, it's...probably the same guy,
who delivers the
wood.
JERRY
Oh, than I gotta tip him.
ELAINE
Oh damn, this place is incredible, look
at all this
great light!
JERRY
I don't have any plants.
GEORGE
I have plants.
ELAINE
Jerry, look at this closet! Look at
this! I'm walking
in it! (walks in the closet) It's a "walk-in". Can you believe
it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!
JERRY
(closes the closet with Elaine still
in it)...I like
that. (opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look)
What do ya think, George?
GEORGE
It's your decision.
JERRY
(walks around with Elaine walking next
to him, copying
his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not
able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing)
I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this
is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.
ELAINE
(laughing with joy) Your movin'? That
means I'm
movin'. (hugs Jerry) Gheeeeee (runs to George) isn't that
incredible!
GEORGE
Congratulations. (obviously not so thrilled
by the
fact)
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.)
ELAINE
What about the couch?
JERRY
You like the couch? I'll tell ya what
I'm gonna do.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
You're movin' in, you're a good friend,
I wanna start
you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine
looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall) Get it out a
here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see
it, go, get it out.
ELAINE
A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what?
For this
couch?
JERRY
Yeah!
ELAINE
For this couch?!
JERRY
(shuts the door) OK, you tell me, what
is it worth?
ELAINE
OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could
go as high as
uh... (takes a closer look at couch) I don't know, maybe...$20
dollars?
JERRY
(has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on
his face; the
apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom)
Yeah?
GEORGE
(outside over the intercom) Yeah, it's
George.
JERRY
Come on up. (opens the door; walks back
to the couch)
Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now...
(picks up the cushions) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions
right now...
ELAINE
OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars.
JERRY
You wanna get the other end, 'cause
I wanna get it in
the hall. (acts like he's going to lift up the couch)
ELAINE
$50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that
all right?
JERRY
$50 dollars?
ELAINE
Uh-huh.
JERRY
Thank you very much.
ELAINE
Thank you very much.
GEORGE
(walks in and closes the door) Hey,
what's goin' on?
ELAINE
I just bought Jerry's couch for $50
dollars.
JERRY
(to George) So did you bring the lease?
(George takes
the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry) All
right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.
GEORGE
Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry (said
very quickly),
listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at
ALL, AT ALL
do not feel like you have to take it.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
If you're having second thoughts, if
you didn't want
it,
don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take
it, ya know. (said with a "for-instance-look" on his face)
JERRY
You could take it? You want it?
GEORGE
No, I don't want it. I want it, if you
don't want it.
JERRY
So you do want it.
GEORGE
No I, I want it if you don't want it!
JERRY
You just said, you wanted it!
GEORGE
No, I'm saying, if a situation arose
in which you
didn't want it, I might take it.
JERRY
(picks up the lease and hands it to
George) So take it.
GEORGE
(refuses to take the lease from Jerry;
Elaine looks
worried) How can I take it?!
JERRY
How can I take it?
GEORGE
It's your apartment!
JERRY
How can I want it now, if you want it?
ELAINE
Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause
any trouble
here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?
GEORGE
Yes, but I am not taking it.
JERRY
I...am not taking it. (drops the lease
demonstratively)
ELAINE
Well, one of you better damn well take
it!
JERRY
Well, whatta you wanna do here?
GEORGE
I, I don't know. (makes a gesture, that
he doesn't
know)
JERRY
Do you wanna flip a coin?
GEORGE
...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.
JERRY
OK, fine...(takes a coin from his pocket)
This is the
official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and
that's it, agreed?
GEORGE
I'm good.
ELAINE
I don't know, who to rune for, George's
place has
carpeting.
JERRY
All right, now you call it in the air.
GEORGE
No catchin'.
JERRY
No no.
GEORGE
Flip it. (Jerry flips the coin) Heads!
(the coin hits
the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at
the coin)
JERRY
Tails!
GEORGE
No, it hit the table, it hit the table.
JERRY
So what?
GEORGE
INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT.
COME ON, ARE YOU
CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it.
JERRY
You didn't call no interference!
GEORGE
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S
A RULE!!
JERRY
I don't believe this.
GEORGE
Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you
win. Take it,
just take it!
JERRY
I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine,
what do ya
think?
ELAINE
I'd better not...
JERRY
...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose
you for it.
Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you
gotta win three.
GEORGE
OK (they walk around each other)...OK.
I'll choose
you...whatta ya want?
JERRY
Odds
GEORGE
I want evens.
JERRY
Good.
GEORGE
You got odds.
JERRY You got evens.
GEORGE
Right, ready.
JERRY
For the apartment. (they take their
"choose positions")
BOTH
Once, twice, three, shoot!
JERRY
Mine!
BOTH
Once, twice, three, shoot!
JERRY
Mine! (George walks to the table to
take a break)
BOTH
(they take their positions again) Once,
twice, three,
shoot!
GEORGE
Mine!
BOTH
Once, twice, three, shoot!
GEORGE
(Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring
up Jerry's couch)
Congratulations...congratulations.
JERRY
Thanks. (George walks to the bathroom)
GEORGE
(screaming in bathroom) WHAT DID I PUT
UP TO? WHAT DID
I PUT UP TO?
KRAMER
(enters the apartment "Kramer-style")
Jerry, I think
I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the
Englishman, who lives down the hall?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
The last couple a days he's been acting
very strange;
I think he's avoiding me.
JERRY
Hard to imagine. (ironically)
KRAMER
Yeah! And get this: I just got of the
elevator with
him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I
said to him, like I, I was like this (shows how he was acting
stuff."
JERRY
Right.
KRAMER
Ya know, very casually, so that he was
gonna take me
in to his confidence.
ELAINE
So what did he say?
KRAMER
"What stuff?".
JERRY
Ooh, case closed! (ironically)
KRAMER
No, you don't understand, you see, he
swallowed...see,
the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something!
Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if
I
don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the
police.
JERRY
OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW!
KRAMER
Yeah! (said in his own typical way and
he runs off)
(Comedy club)
JERRY
One of the problems in life is that
when you're a kid,
you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and
those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way
that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them
SAY
"I got the front seat" (other kid's
voice) "I wanted the
front seat!" (first kid again) "I called it". And the other
called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law"
IT HOLDS UP
(lawyer's voice) "Your Honour, my client
did ask
it?" (lawyer's voice again) "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG!
(imitating a hammer being hit by the judge); (judges voice
again) "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled".
(Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a
table, George is returning from the bathroom)
GEORGE
(walks towards the table) I love the
mirror in that
in that mirror. (sits down) I don't know if it's the tile or
the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.
JERRY
(bobs his head) It's a good mirror...(both
look at
their menus) So, what are ya gettin'?
GEORGE
I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't
have anything
FRENCH FRIES
out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents:
three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!
you eat that stuff?!"...(they look at their menus again) I'm
so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.
JERRY
Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm
not taking the
place!
GEORGE
What?!
JERRY
How can I live there?
GEORGE
Why not?!
JERRY
Look at you, you're still thinking about
it, I'll never
feel comfortable.
GEORGE
Oh, get out a here.
JERRY
How can I ever have you over? You'll
sit there moping.
GEORGE
Mope?
JERRY
You're already moping!...Would you take
the place?
GEORGE
No, impossible! It's your apartment.
JERRY
You found the place.
GEORGE
You won the choose.
JERRY
All right, forget it, it's over, I'm
not moving.
GEORGE
Well, me neither.
JERRY
Definitely?
GEORGE
Definitely.
JERRY
Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't
have any
problem.
GEORGE
No, it's not a problem, I can get rid
of the apartment
this afternoon. (a waitress approaches)
WAITRESS
What apartment?
GEORGE
Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom"
uh, west
83rd 'bout half block from the park.
WAITRESS
What's the rent?
(The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it;
Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a
couch, all three moping)
GEORGE
I don't know, what we're doin' here,
this is
ridiculous.
JERRY
She wanted to thank us for the apartment.
(very
irritated)
ELAINE
I can't believe I lost the deposit on
that u-hall. (I
can't quite understand what she'd saying here)And I threw out
my couch. (She slaps Jerry on the leg)
JERRY
If only the coin hadn't hit the table.
GEORGE
The table is interference, you know
it!
JERRY
It is not!
GEORGE
It is too!
ELAINE
My roommate starts rehearsal tonight
on Carrousel.
(irritated)
WAITRESS
Hi.
GEORGE
Hi, Carol.
CAROL
I just wanted to introduce you to my
husband, this is
Larry (points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get
up). This is George, Elaine and Jerry (points to them) (to
Larry) These are the guys who got us the apartment.
LARRY
Oh, you don't know how grateful I am,
if there's
anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so
thrilled with this place.
CAROL
It's a dream.
LARRY
I'm running in the park now, I've lost
weight, we're
barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.
GEORGE
We're really glad for ya. (very sadly)
ELAINE
Couldn't be happier. (idem)
JERRY
It's wonderful. (idem; they sit down
again)
CAROL
Diane, Diane, come here. (she beckons
a women; she
comes to the couch) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.
(Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very
attractive) (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this
place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine)
Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse!
DIANE
How, how could you guys have turned
this place down,
it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.
GEORGE
We're aware of the proximity to the
park, yes.
DIANE
Well, it was nice to meet you. (she
walks away)
GEORGE
Nice meeting you. (shakes Carol's hand;
they sit down
again; Carol walks away)
JERRY
How late are the stores open? I'm thinking
of maybe uh,
buying a new TV and smash it over my head. (two men are
standing behind the couch talking)
RIGHT MAN
I get a call from Gilmore this morning
and get
THIS
they're restructuring the organization
in Atlanta and I
gotta be there on the first of the month.
LEFT MAN
Really? What are you gonna 'bout the
apartment?
RIGHT GUY
Well, what can I do? Give it up.
THE END
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