THE RYE
Written by
Carol Leifer
ELAINE
(thinking) I can't believe I'm going
out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool.
Maybe he'll write a song about me. That
would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are
so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not
so mention your personality which is
so, so, interesting. If you want, you
can quit your job and never work again.
(club applauds)
ELAINE
Jerry, you have got to come see him.
He is so terrific.
JERRY
Maybe he'll write a song about you.
ELAINE
Yeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really
matters.
JERRY
So I take it he's spongeworthy?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah.
JERRY
Well, he's a musician. I guess they're
supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited
and free.
ELAINE
Well, actually, he's - he's not that
way at all.
JERRY
Oh, no?
ELAINE
Yeah. In fact, he....(moaning)
JERRY
Come on. Come on.
ELAINE
I don't wanna!
JERRY
Elaine, you're among friends.
ELAINE
(sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't
really like to do... everything.
JERRY
Oh.
ELAINE
Yeah. It's surprising.
JERRY
Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that
bother you?
ELAINE
No. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean,
it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie
to you and say it wouldn't be nice.
JERRY
Sure. Why not? You're there.
ELAINE
Exactly.
JERRY
But you said he was just coming out
of a very serious relationship. Maybe
he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not
gonna happen.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come
downstairs, help me get my stuff outta
the car.
JERRY
What stuff?
KRAMER
I just came from the price club. I'm
loaded up, baby.
JERRY
All right. What are you, outta your
mind? Look at this. What did you buy
here? You will never be able to finish
all this stuff.
KRAMER
Course I will. These are staples.
JERRY
A four-pound can of black olives? That's
a staple?
KRAMER
Lindsay olives, Jerry.
JERRY
A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles?
A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds
of cocktail meatballs?
KRAMER
$17.50. You can't beat that.
JERRY
Look...look at this can of tuna!
KRAMER
Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't
make their cut.
JERRY
This isn't for a person. This is for
Biosphere 3.
KRAMER
Hey, Clyde!
CLYDE
Hey, Kramer! What's happening, dude?
KRAMER
Yeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here.
CLYDE
How ya doin'?
JERRY
Hi.
KRAMER
You know, Clyde, he plays backup with
John Germaine.
JERRY
John Germaine? That is amazing. I was
just talking about him upstairs with
Elaine.
CLYDE
Oh yeah?
JERRY
Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are
goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy.
CLYDE
Is that right?
KRAMER
Hey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You
know, bring some of this stuff upstairs.
CLYDE
Oh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the
hands. My hands are my life.
ESTELLE
Georgie, can you zip me up?
GEORGE
Yeah. Yeah, one second.
ESTELLE
Well, come on!
GEORGE
All right. All right. Let's not get
into panic mode! Let's not make a big
deal outta this thing or we're never
gonna get through this night.
ESTELLE
Well, I'm meeting your in-laws, I think
I should look nice.
GEORGE
My in-laws. Oh, my....
FRANK
So, what do you think? Your old man
can look pretty good when he wants to,
huh?
ESTELLE
I don't like that tie.
FRANK
What's the matter with this tie? I've
hardly worn it.
ESTELLE
It's too thin. They're wearing wide
now.
FRANK
How do you know what kind of ties they
wear?
ESTELLE
Go to any office building on 7th Avenue
and tell me if there's
anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead!
FRANK
Oh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue.
ESTELLE
George, do you think he should wear
a tie like that?
FRANK
Huh?
GEORGE
I think he should wear whatever tie
he wants.
FRANK
We gotta stop off and pick up a marble
rye from Schnitzer's.
ESTELLE
It's out of our way. Why can't we pick
up something at Lord's?
It's right over here.
FRANK
No! We have to go to Schnitzer's! I'll
show these people something
about taste!
GEORGE
This is gonna be fun.
JERRY
Hey, you'll never guess who I bumped
into. This guy Clyde. He's in
your friend John Germaine's band there.
ELAINE
So what did he have to say?
JERRY
Nothing. I told him you two were pretty
hot and heavy.
ELAINE
Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
What did you do that for?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
What if he tells John? Then John's gonna
think that I think that
we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot
and
heavy if he's not hot and heavy.
JERRY
Oh
ELAINE
I'm trying to get a little squirrel
to come over to me here. I don't
wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.
JERRY
Well, Clyde might not tell him.
ELAINE
How do you know that?
JERRY
I should have helped Kramer with those
packages.
ELAINE
Ohh!
(Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded
with dozens of
pop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway)
DENNIS
Let me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer.
I wonder, could you do me a
favor? I'm taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder...
KRAMER
Uh-huh.
DENNIS
I wonder, could you pick up my mail?
KRAMER
Yeah. Sure. Sure.
DENNIS
In fact, you know what, how would you
like to take my hansom cab for
the week?
KRAMER
Drive the horse?
DENNIS
It'll just be sitting there. You can
really clean up. 500 bucks a
day. I'll split it with ya.
KRAMER
Oh, giddyup. Yeah.
GEORGE
This is delicious, Mrs. Ross.
MRS. ROSS
Oh.
MR. ROSS
What are you complimenting her for?
She didn't make it Rowenna did.
FRANK
What is this thing anyway?
MRS. ROSS
It's Cornish gamehen.
FRANK
What is that, like a little chicken?
GEORGE
It's, uh, it's not a little chicken.
(laughing) Little chicken. It's
a gamebird.
FRANK
Gamebird?
GEORGE
Yeah.
FRANK
What do you mean? Like, you - you hunt
it?
MR. ROSS
Yes.
FRANK
How hard could it be to kill this thing?
ESTELLE
I couldn't help but notice that you
have quite a library in there.
MRS. ROSS
If I had a dime for every book he's
actually read, (laughing) I'd
be broke.
SUSAN
More wine anyone?
FRANK
Yeah. I'll take some.
SUSAN
Hmmm?
FRANK
Thank you.
SUSAN
How do you like the Merlot?
ESTELLE
Merlot? I never heard of it. Did they
just invent it?
MRS. ROSS
Oh, mother.
GEORGE
She's, uh, she's heard of Merlot.
FRANK
Let me understand, you got the hen,
the chicken and the rooster. The
rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the
hen?
GEORGE
Why don't we talk about it another time.
FRANK
But you see my point here? You only
hear of a hen, a rooster and a
chicken. Something's missing!
MRS. ROSS
Something's missing all right.
MR. ROSS
They're all chickens. The rooster has
sex with all of them.
FRANK
That's perverse.
GEORGE
Did anybody see Firestorm?
MR. ROSS
Firestorm, that's a hell of a picture.
GEORGE
Yeah.
MR. ROSS
Remember when they had the helicopter
land on top of that car --
FRANK
Hey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I haven't
seen it yet.
MR. ROSS
It doesn't have anything to do with
the plot!
FRANK
Still! Still! I like to go in fresh!
GEORGE
Oh mother of God.
(clip clop)
KRAMER
Of course, uh, this is Central Park.
Uh, this was designed in 1850 by
Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern
armies
could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On
Rusty!
(applause)
JOHN
Thank you. Now, I'd like to play something
th -- well, actually, it's
my latest so it's nice and fresh. It's called " Hot And Heavy."
(saxophone playing)
GEORGE
Thank God that's over.
ESTELLE
The mother seems to hit the sauce pretty
hard. I didn't like that.
FRANK
And who doesn't serve cake after a meal?
What kind of people? Would it
kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!
GEORGE
So, they didn't give you a piece of
cake? Big deal.
ESTELLE
It is a big deal. You're supposed to
serve cake after a meal. I'm
sorry. It's impolite.
FRANK
Not impolite...it's stupid, that's what
it is. You gotta be stupid to
do something like that!
ESTELLE
Your father's absolutely right. We're
sitting there like idiots
drinking coffee without a piece of cake!
GEORGE
What is this? The marble rye?
MRS. ROSS
Oh, dear. I forgot to put out that -
that bread they brought.
ESTELLE
We forgot to bring it in.
FRANK
No, I brought it in. They never put
it out.
MRS. ROSS
Where is it?
SUSAN
I don't know. Where'd you put it?
MRS. ROSS
Right over there.
SUSAN
Well, it's gone.
GEORGE
You stole the bread?
FRANK
What do you mean stole? It's my bread.
They didn't eat it. Why should
I leave it there?
GEORGE
Because we brought it for them!
FRANK
Apparently, it wasn't good enough for
them to serve.
MRS. ROSS
Is it possible they took it back?
SUSAN
Who would bring a bread and take it
back?
MR. ROSS
Those people, that's who. I think they're
sick.
ESTELLE
People take buses to get that rye.
GEORGE
Maybe they forgot to put it out!
FRANK
Aw, they didn't forget to put it out!
It's deliberate! Deliberate, I
tell ya!
JERRY
He stole back the rye?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
Why? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker!
That's why.
JERRY
So, do the Ross's know?
GEORGE
I don't know. They're all very suspicious.
JERRY
Why wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't
just disappear.
GEORGE
Now, because of that stupid rye bread,
I gotta keep them all
separated for the rest of my life.
JERRY
Bad situation.
GEORGE
I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd
like to replace that rye.
JERRY
What do you mean replace it?
GEORGE
You know, you go out, you get another
rye. Of course, it would have
to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen
somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is.
JERRY
Well, there ya go. What's so hard about
that?
GEORGE
What's so hard about that? How am I
supposed to get it in there? I
can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the
apartment!
JERRY
All right. All right. Don't panic. Let's
just think about it. Get the
Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute.
Wait
a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that
hansom
cab.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
Well, Kramer'll take them around for
a while.
GEORGE
And it's their anniversary Friday night.
I could send them for a
hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that?
JERRY
Are you kidding? People love it. There's
something about the clip clop,
clip clop. They're nuts for it.
GEORGE
So, they go off for the ride, by the
time they come back the bread is
there.
JERRY
What about Susan?
GEORGE
She's working late that night. We're
- were supposed to have dinner
with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven
o'clock.
JERRY
Beautiful!
GEORGE
You think Kramer'll do it?
KRAMER
Of course I'll do it. I'd be happy to.
So, all I gotta do is be there
at seven?
GEORGE
Yeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em
around for about..half an hour.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
What the hell are you doing there?
KRAMER
It's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans.
You want some?
JERRY
No. No thanks.
KRAMER
Jerry, I think I bought too much at
that price club. I don't have any
room for it all.
GEORGE
Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How
am I gonna get the rye bread
into the apartment?
JERRY
Just put it under your shirt.
GEORGE
Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye?
It - it's huge!
JERRY
I'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over.
I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll
come by five after seven right after they leave.
GEORGE
Oh, this is all locking in now. It is
all locking in! (laughing)
ELAINE
Hey. Is that your horse outside?
KRAMER
Yeah. That's Rusty.
GEORGE
What? He's outside?
KRAMER
Uh-huh.
GEORGE
Aw, come on. I wanna go see him.
KRAMER
You wanna go see him?
GEORGE
Yeah. Hey! Hey!
KRAMER
I'll show ya Rusty.
GEORGE
Hey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey?
ELAINE
Well, you really did me in this time,
didn't ya? First guy I like in
a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is
just
great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and
then
you have to come along with your hot and your heavy.
JERRY
So, you think Clyde told him?
ELAINE
He wrote a song about it!
JERRY
Well, maybe it's a good thing.
ELAINE
No! It's not a good thing! It's a bad
thing! Do you know what this is
like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel
sick
to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?
JERRY
No, but I've read articles and I must
say it, doesn't sound very
pleasant.
ELAINE
You know, one of these days, something
terrible is gonna happen to you.
It has to!
JERRY
No. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far
as your situation, you're
seeing him tonight so talk to him about it.
ELAINE
I can't! He's got a big showcase for
record producers at his late
show tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll
upset
him.
MR. ROSS
Yeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is
a very nice gesture. We
really appreciate it.
GEORGE
Aw, well, you know, it's your anniversary.
It's - it's the least I
can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time.
Ha
ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs?
MR. ROSS
Oh, we got about twenty minutes. You,
uh, seem a little nervous
George. Anything wrong?
GEORGE
Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm
fine. Everything's fine. Fine.
Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could
I, uh,
could I get a glass of water?
MRS. ROSS
We've got water. I don't think we have
any bread, but we've got
water.
KRAMER
Yeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno.
(singing) I'm so keen-o
On Beef-A-Reeno
What a delicious cuisine-o
Fit for a king and queen-o!
Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans.
MR. ROSS
Nice night for a hansom cab ride, 'ay
George?
MRS. ROSS
You know, George we haven't done anything
romantic like this in
....years.
GEORGE
(thinking) Oh my God, it's 7:01. What
have I done? My whole plan is
depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make
such a
stupid mistake? He'll never show up!
(clip clop)
KRAMER
Ah ha!
GEORGE
There he is. Right on time as usual.
COUNTER WOMAN
53.
MABEL
53. I'd like a marble rye, no plastic,
in a bag.
COUNTER WOMAN
Ah! You're lucky. It's our last one.
JERRY
Wait a second, that's your last marble
rye?
COUNTER WOMAN
That's right.
JERRY
There's none left?
COUNTER WOMAN
That's what I said. Number 54.
JERRY
Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna
sound crazy but I - I have to have
that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future
may
depend on it.
MABEL
Well, I'm sorry, but you should have
got here earlier.
JERRY
Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you
could just find it in yourself to
give it up.
MABEL
You're not getting this rye --
JERRY
All right. All right. I'll tell ya what
I'm gonna do, I will give you
double what you paid for it.
MABEL
You're in my way!
KRAMER
Ahh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is
Cosmo and I'll be your driver for
this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have
hot
chocolate if the mood should strike you.
MRS. ROSS
My favorite.
KRAMER
Well, if we're all set to go, why don't
you two hop aboard and let me
show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was.
Oh,
happy anniversary. On, Rusty!
(clip clop)
JERRY
All right. Look, I'll tell ya what,
I'll give you $50. Now, be
reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye.
MABEL
No? Watch me.
JERRY
Give me that rye!
MABEL
Stop it!
JERRY
I want that rye, lady!
MABEL
Help! Someone help!
JERRY
Shut up, you old bag!
MABEL
Stop thief! Stop him! He's got my marble
rye!
ELAINE
I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly
like this. I know you've got
your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it
is, I
know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell
you
that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were
hot and
heavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?
JOHN
Whoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....I'm kinda
disappointed.
ELAINE
Disappointed?
JOHN
Yeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde
told me that.
ELAINE
You were?
JOHN
Absolutely.
ELAINE
Ohh! Whew! I am so relieved!
JOHN
Listen, uh, I've still got a couple
of hours to kill before the next
show. My place is only a few blocks from here.
ELAINE
Really?
JOHN
And you know what?
ELAINE
What?
JOHN
I've been thinking about what we do
and I'm thinking..of...adding a new
number to my, you know, repertoire.
ELAINE
Ohh!
(clip clop)
(Rusty snorting)
KRAMER
Y'aah!
(clip clop)
(Rusty farts)
MRS. ROSS
(sniffing) What is that?
MR. ROSS
I think it's the horse.
MRS. ROSS
Oh, God.
KRAMER
Hey, how's everything? You..you need
anything?
MRS. ROSS
This is - this is...horrible.
MR. ROSS
Excuse me,...what do you feed this animal?
KRAMER
Oh, you know, oats and hay. You know,
they like that stuff.
MRS. ROSS
I can't take this. Let me out of this
thing!
MR. ROSS
Turn this thing around. We've had it.
We can't breathe back here!
And hurry it up!
KRAMER
Rusty! Rusty!
GEORGE
(whistling)
(clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly
louder)
KRAMER
Whoa!
GEORGE
Wha - what happened? What are you doing
back so soon?
MR. ROSS
Ask Rusty.
KRAMER
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never
knows how the
gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.
MRS. ROSS
Thanks for nothing! Come on, George.
Let's go upstairs.
GEORGE
What the hell happened?
KRAMER
The horse is gassy. Must have been the
Beef-A-Reeno.
GEORGE
Beef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?!
KRAMER
Well, I overbought!
MR. ROSS
George.
GEORGE
(muttering)
MUSIC GUY
What's going on? Where is he?
MANAGER
Uh...he'll be here soon.
MUSIC GUY
I'll give him ten more minutes. I'm
not gonna stay here all night.
JERRY
How much did you give him?
KRAMER
Just a can. But he really liked it,
though.
GEORGE
Jerry! Up here!
JERRY
Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do
with this?
GEORGE
I can't come out. They're standing right
by the door. Throw it up!
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come
on. What are you, kidding me?
JERRY
Will you get this horse outta here.
He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen.
KRAMER
I don't wanna go back on there!
GEORGE
Come on!
JERRY
(grunting as he throws bread into the
air)
GEORGE
(grunting) Hey! Hey, wait a second.
I got an idea.
ELAINE
No. No. Don't be silly, John, you were
very good. You just don't have to try
so hard. Good luck, honey.
GEORGE
Come on! Come on!
JERRY
Wait a second! I never baited a hook
with a rye before. Your hook is too
small. This is for, like, a muffin.
All right. Take it away.
(George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover
everyone staring at him)
GEORGE
Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah.
(grunting)
MANAGER
Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine.
(applause)
(John attempts to play saxophone, discovering that no sound is
being created by the instrument)
THE END
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