THE SCOFFLAW
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
The big new accessory with eyeglasses,
seems to be that strap, that connects
in the back so you can take 'em on and
off. Which I don't get, because I thought,
if you have glasses, isn't that because
you need to wear glasses? 'You need
glasses', isn't that what they say?
I mean, an eye doctor doesn't say 'Would
you care for some glasses?' When people
have crutches, they don't havelike a
little chain attached to their belt,
so they can just let go of 'em every
now and then. Why not get a toupee with
a rubber band for when you're water-skiing,
the thing could just... (mimes semi-airborne
wig with hand)
(Street)
George hurrying along, he passes Gary who recognises him.
GARY
Hey George.
GEORGE
Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the
hell've you been? I've been
leaving you phone messages for months.
GARY
I know. I've been pretty busy.
GEORGE
Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not
busy? I'm busy, we're all busy,
everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?
GARY
Mostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see
you.
(Different Street)
A cop, with an eye patch, is writing a ticket for a car. Kramer
is about to cross
the street. He waits for a car to pass. As it passes, a tray
of litter is tossed
from its window and lands near Kramer.
KRAMER
(to car as it accelerates away) Hey
pig!
The cop hears this and turns to see who said it. As he does so,
the car he is
ticketing starts up and speeds away.
COP
(at car) Hey! Hey! Hey!
Kramer takes advantage of the distraction to run away.
(Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
So you called the cop a pig?
KRAMER
I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean
this is my town. You don't throw
trash on the streets of my town.
JERRY
Didn't you explain that to the cop?
KRAMER
No, I fled the scene.
George enters. He looks disquieted.
JERRY
(to George) Hey.
KRAMER
(to George) Hey buddy.
GEORGE
Hey, uh...
KRAMER
What?
GEORGE
Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk
to Jerry privately.
KRAMER
Oh. What about?
GEORGE
Kramer...
KRAMER
Aw come on George, you can share it
with me, huh?
Kramer grabs George in a headlock.
GEORGE
Hey, you're hurting me!
KRAMER
You gonna share it with me next time,
huh?
GEORGE
I swear, I swear!
KRAMER
Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to
it.
He releases George from the headlock and exits, but he closes
the door slowly
and can be seen peering in through the decreasing gap until it
finally shuts
completely. Jerry and George watch him until the door is closed.
GEORGE
Right, I got news. You ready? (deep
breath) Gary Fogel had cancer.
JERRY
Oh yeah, I knew.
GEORGE
You knew? How did you know?
JERRY
He told me a few months ago.
GEORGE
Why did he tell you and not me?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
How are you closer to him than me?
Jerry shrugs.
GEORGE
So, is he okay?
JERRY
Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in
bad shape for a while though.
GEORGE
Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his
death bed?
JERRY
No, he was on his regular bed.
GEORGE
So why didn't you tell me?
JERRY
He swore me to secrecy.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
It's not like you're my wife.
GEORGE
Well, I still think you shoulda told
me.
JERRY
Hey, believe me, you were better off
not knowing. It's not easy to deal
with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I
almost made myself
sick.
GEORGE
Well, I wanna talk to him about this.
JERRY
That's right, you let him have it.
GEORGE
Mmm-mm.
JERRY
Who is he not to tell you about his
life-threatening illness?
GEORGE
That's what I'm saying.
JERRY
His illness is your business.
GEORGE
If not mine, whose?
JERRY
If not now, when?
The door opens and Elaine enters. She senses a conversation has
just ceased.
ELAINE
Were you just talking about me?
GEORGE
No, an old friend of ours, Gary.
ELAINE
Oh, the guy with cancer?
GEORGE
(to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's
not your wife!
JERRY
If I told you, you woulda given it away.
GEORGE
You don't think I can keep a secret?
JERRY
No, but he would've read your face.
GEORGE
You don't trust my poker face?
JERRY
Do you ever win at poker?
GEORGE
(shamefaced) No.
Door opens and Kramer enters. He sees Elaine.
KRAMER
Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your
old boyfriend on TV.
ELAINE
Egh, Jake Jarmel?
KRAMER
Yeah. I really liked those glasses he
was wearing. Where'd he get those.
ELAINE
Why? You don't wear glasses.
KRAMER
I know, I know. But I need a new look,
I'm stagnating.
GEORGE
I have to say, as a glasses wearer I
take exception to that. That's like
me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.
KRAMER
Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine)
Look, how do I get in touch with
this guy?
ELAINE
Well, he's having a two day book signing
at Waldens.
KRAMER
Ah.
ELAINE
You know, we had a really bad break-up.
JERRY
The Jujy Fruits?
ELAINE
(upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits.
(Waldenbooks)
A queue of people wait to have their hardbacks signed by Jake
Jarmel, who sits
at a table, wearing spectacles with dark oval frames. Kramer
is having his copy
signed.
JAKE
Okay, K-Man, enjoy the book.
KRAMER
Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where
did you get those eyeglass
frames?
JAKE
I can't tell you that.
KRAMER
So you don't know where you got 'em?
JAKE
Yes I do. But I don't want anyone else
to have them.
KRAMER
Well, that's peculiar. (leaves)
(Monk's)
George and Gary sit in a booth. Among the other customers is
an attractive woman
sitting in the corner, reading a book.
GEORGE
Eh, there's that woman that never talks
to anybody.
GARY
Really?
GEORGE
Every day she comes in, she sits at
that table and reads. Never talks to
anybody.
GARY
Oh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said
to say hi.
GEORGE
(pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing)
You know Gary, I really have
to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide
in me.
GARY
Well frankly, you can't keep a secret.
You know, you'd get two pair, the
whole table knows.
GEORGE
Well I still think it was wrong.
GARY
Right, well I'm sorry, all right. I
guess I was just thinking of myself.
GEORGE
(well, obviously) Yes.
(Another street)
Kramer is talking to the eyepatch-wearing cop.
KRAMER
...so I called the litterbug a pig,
not you. I like policeman. I wanted
to be a policeman.
COP
Yeah? So why didn't you?
KRAMER
Scared of being shot.
COP
Mr Kramer, let me tell you a story.
In nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed
a
brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine
was never paid, and
since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than
anyone in New
York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give
me the slip
time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but
he's become my
'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks
to you, I don't
know if I'll ever get that chance again!
KRAMER
I like that eye patch.
(Monks')
GEORGE
(standing) All right, I'm gonna move
my car, my meter's up. Can't park in
this city.
GARY
(standing) Hey, George, listen. You
know that company I work for, they own
that parking lot around the corner.
GEORGE
Wha, that's a Kinney lot?
GARY
Yeah, and there's a space opening up,
and I could get it for you. You just
have to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month.
GEORGE
Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible!
Okay, thanks.
GARY
All right, I got lunch, all right.
GEORGE
You still owe me a secret.
GARY
All right, listen. There is something
I haven't told you, all right?
GEORGE
Yeah?
GARY
Yeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry.
GEORGE
What do think I tell Jerry everything?
It's not like he's my wife.
GARY
Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been
living a lie.
GEORGE
Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles)
What's yours?
GARY
Well, I (laughs) I never actually had
cancer. (laughs) I'll see you.
(leaves)
(Jerry's apartment)
Kramer and Jerry sit on the couch, Elaine in the chair. Kramer
and Elaine are
talking, Jerry reads a magazine.
ELAINE
So he refused to tell you where he got
the glasses?
KRAMER
(rising) Flat out refused! (walks past
Jerry, who moves his legs)
ELAINE
Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she
steps over Jerry's legs) You know,
he has to be the only one who has 'em.
KRAMER
Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister.
(he opens the door to leave)
Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.
ELAINE
What? (she slams the door shut before
Kramer can exit) You told Jake I
said hi?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
I can't believe you did that! Why did
you tell him I said hi? I never
said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?
JERRY
I never heard her say hi.
KRAMER
Well, it's uh, common courtesy.
ELAINE
No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't
understand. He made the last
contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup
relationship. If he
thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.
JERRY
It's like a game of tag.
Elaine gathers her stuff together, ready to leave.
JERRY
Where you going?
ELAINE
Nowhere.
JERRY
You're going to the book store to see
Jake Jarmel, aren't you?
ELAINE
So what if I do? (heads for the door)
KRAMER
(to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well,
listen. If you're going there,
(following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you
where he got
those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!
George enters as Kramer and Elaine leave. He closes the door
behind him.
JERRY
Hey. How'd it go with Gary?
GEORGE
(shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine,
fine. (he removes his coat)
JERRY
(suspicious) Really?
GEORGE
(shifty) Yeah.
JERRY
You look like something's on your mind.
GEORGE
No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table)
JERRY
So, that's your poker face.
GEORGE
My regular face.
JERRY
No it isn't. I've seen your regular
face. That is not it.
GEORGE
What are you saying?
JERRY
All right George, c'mon, what d'you
got? (sits opposite George)
GEORGE
I got nothing.
JERRY
What you got, a pair of bullets?
GEORGE
What you talking about?
JERRY
Two pair? Three of a kind?
GEORGE
Will you stop it?
JERRY
Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding
a flush!
GEORGE
I don't have a flush.
JERRY
A full house? You got a full house?
Turn 'em over George, I wanna see
'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you
got!
GEORGE
(broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had
cancer!
(Waldenbooks)
Jake Jarmel is at the same table as before. Elaine is talking
to him. There are
other people queuing behind her.
ELAINE
So you see, Kramer took it upon himself
to say hi to you from me. When
in fact it was an unauthorised hi.
JAKE
You're saying you didn't say hi.
ELAINE
That's what I'm saying.
JAKE
So that's what you came down here to
tell me?
ELAINE
Correct.
JAKE
You never said hi?
ELAINE
Correct.
JAKE
You still like me, don't you?
ELAINE
Correct. (catches herself) What's that?
MAN
Hey, I have been trying to get this
book signed all day.
ELAINE
(takes the book from the guy and signs
it herself) How can you say that
I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?
JAKE
Elaine, coming down here to say that
you didn't say hi is more of a
gesture than if you did say hi.
ELAINE
Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I,
uh...
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
The doctors thought he had cancer, but
the surgery revealed he never
actually had it.
JERRY
So what was wrong with him?
GEORGE
Nothing!
JERRY
So he's been lying to me for two months?!
GEORGE
That's right.
JERRY
What kind of person is this? There's
only one other person who might be
able to do something like this, and that's you.
GEORGE
Well...
JERRY
I don't even think you could do it.
GEORGE
Oh, I could do it.
JERRY
Yeah, I guess you could.
GEORGE
(snorts) C'mon.
JERRY
Did you know he was so worried about
losing more hair if he had to get
chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at
the Hair Team For
Men, just to put his mind at ease?
GEORGE
You did that?
JERRY
Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this
guy. (moves to pick up phone)
GEORGE
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't
say anything. (rushes to take
phone from Jerry)
JERRY
Why not?
GEORGE
(puts down handset) Because he'll know
I told you. Besides, he's giving
me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.
JERRY
So you're telling me, because you're
getting free parking, I gotta
pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Well I don't like it. I don't like it
one bit! And, I'm supposed to see
him tomorrow.
GEORGE
Yeah, well you have to maintain the
same disposition too. You can't
start acting any differently. You have to be nice.
JERRY
Why didn't he tell me?
GEORGE
Because you were being so nice.
JERRY
I don't think I can be that nice.
GEORGE
(shouts) You be nice!
George and Jerry turn their backs to other and angrily stalk
away from each
other.
(Monk's)
Jerry enters. He looks around for Gary, and does a double-take
as he see him
sitting in a booth, wearing a wig.
JERRY
Gary?
GARY
What d'you think? Check it out. (he
tries a number of expressions, turning
his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece)
JERRY
Is that from my gift certificate?
GARY
Yeah buddy. You really came through
for me man. You've been so nice.
(shakes Jerry by the hand)
JERRY
(through gritted teeth) Yeah, well,
I'm glad you could take advantage.
GARY
Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing?
I'm getting rid of all my
fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings.
JERRY
I don't think so.
GARY
Oh come on, open up. Let me take a look.
Jerry can be seen struggling against his instincts. He hears
George's words from
earlier.
GEORGE
You be nice! He's giving me a parking
space (echoes) parking
space... parking space...
Jerry leans forward and opens his mouth, but he's not happy about
it.
GARY
(peering in) Well, what d'you know.
Hey, lookee there, you're loaded.
JERRY
Okay. (shuts mouth)
GARY
Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes.
Check this out, Jack! (rises)
Kramer enters. He's wearing an eyepatch like the cop's.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) Hey buddy.
JERRY
Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?
KRAMER
It's an eyepatch.
JERRY
You look like a pirate.
KRAMER
I wanna be a pirate.
JERRY
(gesturing) This is Gary.
KRAMER
(to Gary) How you doing?
GARY
All right.
Kramer goes to shake Gary by the hand, but due to his impaired
vision, he misses
by several inches at the first attempt. He lifts the patch up
to restore his
depth perception. They shake, and Gary leaves to talk to the
'girl who never
talks'. Kramer moves to sit in the vacant seat.
KRAMER
Well, I tell you there's only one problem.
Kramer sits down, misjudges the seat and almost slides under
the table. He
upsets plates and glasses.
JERRY
Can't see on your right side?
KRAMER
No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other
eye) it's itchy
(George's car)
DEBBY
Nice car.
GEORGE
Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight.
DEBBY
So, what made you just call me out of
the blue like that?
GEORGE
Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said
hi.
DEBBY
I didn't say hi.
GEORGE
You didn't?
DEBBY
Uh, no. I told him to send you my regards.
I didn't say hi.
GEORGE
Regards?
DEBBY
Yeah, regards.
(Cab)
ELAINE
Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to
the bookstore to tell him I didn't
say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness.
Don't you hate
smugness?
CABBIE
(heavy accent) Smugness is not a good
quality.
ELAINE
(looking out of window) Oh my God. That
man over there. I think he's
wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the
car. (hands
money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way
of getting back at
my ex-boyfriend.
CABBIE
Good. Revenge is very good.
(Street)
Elaine is running after a guy who is indeed wearing identical
spectacles to Mr
Jarmel.
ELAINE
(calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse
me. (catches up to guy) Excuse
me, sir. Sir?
GUY
Yes?
ELAINE
Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking,
could you tell me where you got
your glasses?
GUY
Malaysia.
ELAINE
Malaysia?
GUY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd,
but can I buy them from you?
GUY
Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.
ELAINE
(positive) Oh! (little chuckle)
GUY
But I, I can barely see without these.
ELAINE
C'mon.
GUY
Well, these were expensive.
ELAINE
Let's start the bidding.
(George's car)
GEORGE
So, you didn't think this was a date?
DEBBY
N... no, not really. Why, is it... a
date?
GEORGE
I thought it was a date.
DEBBY
No. It's not a date.
GEORGE
What about the regards?
DEBBY
Regards don't mean anything. I mean,
it's not like I said hi. Hey, the
fact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything.
GEORGE
No, tell me.
DEBBY
Can you keep a secret?
GEORGE
Me? Oh yeah.
DEBBY
(deep breath) I never had feelings for
Gary until he got sick. But, h...
he was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective
on life. I... I
fell in love with him.
GEORGE
Oh, the guy's got some perspective there.
(Monk's)
Jerry and Kramer in their booth.
JERRY
Hey, do you know what the Whip does?
KRAMER
What whip?
JERRY
The Whip. In the Senate, in the House.
KRAMER
Well, you know in the old days, when
the senators didn't vote the way
that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds
imaginary
whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna
be big trouble.
(cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect)
Gary returns from talking to the 'girl who never talks'.
GARY
She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no,
she won't say a word to anybody.
Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack!
(Street)
The eye patch-wearing cop spots a familiar Dodge.
COP
Well, well. The 'white whale'.
He moves in for the kill.
(George's car)
GEORGE
(frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's
no place to park around here. I
don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan.
DEBBY
Don't complain, at least you have your
health.
(Street)
The guy Elaine bought the glasses from is peering blurrily about.
It's clear he
can barely see anything. He steps between cars and out into the
road.
(George's car)
DEBBY
George, look out for that man!
(Monk's)
The sound of tires squealing is heard from outside, followed
immediately by the
crash of cars colliding. Kramer leaps to his feet and heads out
to investigate.
(Street)
The cop has obviously been distracted by the same noises whilst
writing a
ticket. The scofflaw has taken advantage, and the Dodge squeals
away, passing
Kramer as he emerges from Monk's.
COP
(to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back
here!
KRAMER
(looking after fleeing car) Newman!
The white whale!
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
Can you believe he sold his glasses
on the street?
JERRY
Can you believe someone would lie about
chemotherapy to get a wig? Would
you do that?
GEORGE
No. Definitely not.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.
JERRY
And you know what else? He picked up
that woman in the coffee shop.
GEORGE
The one who always sits by herself?
JERRY
Yeah!
GEORGE
How did he do that?
JERRY
Because he was brimming with confidence
from the toupee.
GEORGE
Really? And Debby told me that she fell
in love with him because he has
all this perspective!
JERRY
She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening
illness, so he can get
some phony hair has perspective?
GEORGE
(opening door to leave) He picked her
up?
JERRY
Walked right over to her table.
GEORGE
Wow. (he runs his fingers through his
hair, and then brushes the
resulting fallout off his jacket)
(Waldenbooks)
Jake still at the signing table. People still queuing. Elaine
skips past the
queue.
ELAINE
Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the
frames she bought) Aaw, see,
you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too.
JAKE
Where did you get those?
ELAINE
Malaysia. I was in the area.
Jake thumps the desk in frustrated rage.
(Newman's car)
Newman is sitting alone. The door opens and Kramer jumps in.
NEWMAN
(surprised) Kramer.
KRAMER
Just drive.
Newman puts the car in gear and sets off.
KRAMER
All right. Now you listen, and you listen
good. I know who you are. You're
the scofflaw.
NEWMAN
(defensive) What're you talking about...
KRAMER
(interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb.
It's me, Cosmo.
NEWMAN
All right, so it's me. So what?
KRAMER
You don't think I know how you're feeling,
every second of the day?
Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from
behind. Sitting
alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.
NEWMAN
I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
KRAMER
Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap!
Now why didn't you tell me?
NEWMAN
I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
KRAMER
So you been living this secret the whole
time by yourself?
NEWMAN
(sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted
to tell somebody. (pleading)
Help me Kramer! Help me!
KRAMER
All right, all right, I'm gonna help
you.
(Street)
George and Jerry, walking together.
GEORGE
I'll try some on and see how they look.
It's just hair.
JERRY
You ever see what that thing looks like
in the back? You got your natural
little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming
down on top of
'em.
GEORGE
Well, some of 'em look good. The ones
that look good you don't even know
about.
JERRY
What if you get involved with a woman?
How're you gonna tell her?
GEORGE
The way they make 'em these days, I'll
never have to tell her.
JERRY
So you keep it a secret your whole life,
then at your funeral the
mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought
you might want
this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!
(Monk's)
Elaine and Mr Lippman, sitting in a booth.
LIPPMAN
It's no secret that it's my dream to
have my own publishing house, and
if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna
do. If I can
get this whole thing off the ground, then , you know, I think
I'll have
something for you. (laughs)
ELAINE
Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That
is so exciting. I mean, you have
no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.
LIPPMAN
Yeah, by the way, those are great glasses.
ELAINE
Oh really, you like 'em?
LIPPMAN
Uh huh. Very unusual.
ELAINE
Well, you know what? (removes glasses)
LIPPMAN
What?
ELAINE
(hands them over) You can have 'em.
LIPPMAN
Oh, no no no. (waves them away) Please.
ELAINE
No no no no. Go to that place on the
corner, they'll change the
prescription in an hour. Take 'em.
LIPPMAN
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah, I've no use for them anymore.
Honestly.
LIPPMAN
(accepting) I could use a new pair of
reading glasses.
ELAINE
They're from Malaysia.
LIPPMAN
(putting on spectacles) Oh yeah?
ELAINE
(admiring gasp) Fabulous.
(Courtroom)
Newman stands before a female Judge. Kramer stands beside him.
There are the
usual personnel for a courtroom.
JUDGE
Well Mr Newman, in all my years on the
bench, I have never come across
anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very
serious
consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city
and possibly for
yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage...
Newman bursts into anguished tears.
JUDGE
...convenient to your home.
NEWMAN
(sobbing) I can't afford that!
JUDGE
Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this
court will see that your car is
impounded...
Newman's sobbing reaches new heights.
JUDGE
...and sold at auction.
KRAMER
Well, don't you worry, your honour.
He's in my custody.
The judge peers at Kramer. She does not look impressed by this
statement.
(Hair Team For Men)
George, Jerry and a Salesman, wearing a substandard toupee, are
in a fitting
room (?). George is sitting before a mirror, trying on a wig,
assisted by the
salesman, while Jerry looks on.
GEORGE
(to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?
JERRY
(unimpressed) I, really can't say.
GEORGE
No, say. I want you to say.
JERRY
It's not good, okay. It's not good.
You look (searches for word) stupid.
(to salesman) I'm sorry.
SALESMAN
You have to realise this has not been
custom-fitted to his scalp.
GEORGE
(examining reflection) I really think
this looks pretty good.
JERRY
Why don't you get a pair of white shoes,
move down to Miami Beach and get
the whole thing over with?
GEORGE
(to salesman) Well, maybe you could
show me something else.
SALESMAN
As I said, it'll be different once we
design something specifically
for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.
JERRY
Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the
only one being helpful!
SALESMAN
(getting annoyed) No, I don't think
you're being helpful! I think
you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your
friend here to
improve his life!
JERRY
Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend
from becoming one of those guys
people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous!
No offence to
you personally!
SALESMAN
(angry) All you people with hair think
you're so damn superior! You
have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom
of your tub and
see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with
that?! (looks ready
to punch Jerry)
JERRY
All right! Take it easy! Take it easy.
GEORGE
(leaps to feet) Jerry!
JERRY
I'm sorry.
GEORGE
Please. (sits again)
The door opens and Gary enters. He's humming to himself.
GARY
Hey Jerry, th... (spots George) George,
you decided to get a rug! Good for
you, Jack!
GEORGE
Well, I'm, I'm just looking.
GARY
Oh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna
need a little adjustment.
SALESMAN
I'll be right with you.
The salesman/Tommy leaves.
GARY
Listen, George, I got some bad news.
I'm not gonna be able to give you
that parking space.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
What?
GARY
This judge has to use it for some scofflaw.
And you know you can't fight
City Hall.
Jerry gives a questioning look to George, who responds with a
'go ahead'
expression.
JERRY
You know, Gary (slams shut the door)
I had a little chat with George the
other day...
GARY
(to George) You didn't?!
GEORGE
(admiring himself in mirror) I did.
JERRY
(advancing on Gary) ...and he told me
that that... (becomes indistinct)
We see George continuing to admire himself as, off-camera, Gary
and Jerry are
heard struggling for possession of Gary's wig.
GARY
(indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent
recovered yet!
JERRY
Gimme that thing!
(Monk's)
Typical number of customers. George enters, wearing his new toupee.
One or two
of the staff give him a glance. He looks around, and taps the
counter by the
cash register. A beautiful brunette sitting at the nearest table
give him an
admiring look.
GEORGE
How's your life? All right?
WOMAN
Yeah, not bad at all.
She pushes the chair opposite her out from the table in an invitation
for George
to sit down. George looks pleasantly surprised by the beneficial
effects of his
hairpiece.
(Press conference)
Mr Lippman and Jake Jarmel are on a small stage with a lectern.
In front of it
are a group of reporters and, amongst them sits Elaine.
LIPPMAN
(at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and
gentlemen of the press, it is my
pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake
as he vacates the
lectern in his favour)
There is a brief ripple of applause as Jake steps up to take
questions.
REPORTER
So Jake, what's your percentage on this
book?
Several of the reporters laugh, as does Jake. Mr Lippman steps
back to the
lectern. He has some notes, and is extracting his glasses from
his pocket.
LIPPMAN
Oh, actually I, uh, I have some very
interesting information on that.
(puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as...
JAKE
(notices glasses) Where did you get
those?
LIPPMAN
... as such, it...
JAKE
Those glasses, where did you get those
glasses?
LIPPMAN
(confused) Where... what?
JAKE
(to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some
kind of a joke on me? Because it's
not very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling)
I want the
glasses! Give me those!
He tries to pull them from Lippman's face, and a struggle ensues.
Jake can be
heard demanding the glasses. The reporters endeavour to get a
view of the noisy
fracas. Elaine rises and begins to make her way toward the exit.
She is
apologetic to her neighbour.
ELAINE
(mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible)
look for some socks.
THE END
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