THE SECRET CODE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
They really got us trained to use that
cash machine now, don't they? We're
just like chickens in an experiment
waiting for that pellet to come down
the chute. You see people at the cash
machine; they're just there. Just, dit
dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting
for the sound, you know the sound, you're
waiting for the sound. That's what we're
trained to hear, the 'here comes the
money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip
flip flip flip flip. It's exciting,
don't you get excited? It's coming!
It's coming! They're giving me money!
(George and Susan are in George's apartment)
SUSAN
Hey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna
run down to the ATM.
GEORGE
Yeah, I better grab some too.
SUSAN
I'll get it for you; just give me your
card.
GEORGE
You sure?
SUSAN
Yeah, just tell me your code.
GEORGE
My code?
(Jerry and George are at the coffee shop)
JERRY
So why didn't you tell her the code?
GEORGE
No. No way.
JERRY
George, you're gonna marry this woman.
Most likely.
GEORGE
It says very clearly, 'for your protection,
do not give your secret code to anyone.'
JERRY
So you're taking relationship advice
from Chemical Bank now?
GEORGE
Why does everything have to be 'us'?
Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there
be some things just for me? Is that
so selfish?
JERRY
Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
GEORGE
Have you ever given your code to anyone?
JERRY
No one's ever asked. You want it? It's
'Jor-El.'
GEORGE
Superman's father on Krypton.
JERRY
Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna
tell me. It's eating you up inside.
Sing it, sister.
GEORGE
No. I am not giving my code to anyone
for any reason.
JERRY
What if my life depended on it?
GEORGE
If you're in some situation where some
fast cash will save your life, I'll
give you the code.
Jerry stands up and begins limping.
GEORGE
What's the matter with your leg?
JERRY
My foot fell asleep.
GEORGE
How'd your foot fall asleep?
JERRY
I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate.
A friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table.
FRED
Hey Jerry.
JERRY
Hey Fred.
GEORGE
Hey Fred.
JERRY
My foot fell asleep.
FRED
You're lucky, at least you got something
to do.
Elaine walks in.
JERRY
Fred, do you know Elaine?
FRED
No, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm
outta here, see you guys.
GEORGE
Alright, bye.
JERRY
Seeya.
ELAINE
Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to
meet you.'
JERRY
So?
ELAINE
So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's
party, we talked for like ten
minutes.
JERRY
And he didn't remember you?
Elaine gets up to leave.
JERRY
Where are you going, you just got here?
ELAINE
I gotta go talk to him.
Elaine catches up to Fred on the street.
ELAINE
Excuse me, excuse me, Fred?
FRED
Yeah?
ELAINE
You just said, 'nice to meet you', but
actually we've met before.
FRED
We have?
ELAINE
Yeah, at Katie Ash's party?
FRED
What was your name again?
ELAINE
Elaine. You don't remember our conversation?
I talked about how my
uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey
Oswald?
FRED
Not ringing a bell.
ELAINE
When my uncle said to him, 'the president's
been shot' Oswald winked at
him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?
FRED
Mmm, no.
ELAINE
That was right when we were in front
of the bathroom door.
FRED
The bathroom door. I remember someone
had played tic-tac-toe on it, and
the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom
right.
Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
JERRY
Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do
some TV commercials, that should
really be fun.
Kramer enters holding a police scanner.
JERRY
Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how
do you like that? I'm gonna do
some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin'
Larry
himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.
KRAMER
Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I
bought this.
JERRY
What is that?
KRAMER
Well, it's an emergency band scanner,
it picks up everything: Fires,
harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry.
Uh oh, we
got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again,
I'd give it all up
to be a fireman.
JERRY
Yeah, those civil servants who risk
their lives really got it made.
KRAMER
When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed
of was steering the back of that
big hook and ladder.
JERRY
You're lucky they let you drive a car.
KRAMER
No no no, they're talking the West Side
Highway, at this time of day
that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those
fools.
Kramer runs out, Elaine enters.
ELAINE
What was that?
JERRY
(waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.
ELAINE
Alright. So, get a load of this. This
guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers
every little thing about that night except me.
JERRY
Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet
that many women.
ELAINE
What are you saying?
JERRY
Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember
you.
ELAINE
Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know.
JERRY
I know.
ELAINE
Ya know?
JERRY
Yeah, I know.
ELAINE
Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog.
JERRY
Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the
Himalayan Walking Shoe.
ELAINE
Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now
he wants to take me out to
dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.
JERRY
Why would I wanna do that?
ELAINE
Oh please, Jerry, please please please,
I can't sit with him, he tells
these stories, it's gonna be awful.
JERRY
Yeah, sounds like fun.
George and Susan are at George's apartment.
SUSAN
I want you to tell me, George.
GEORGE
Why? Why is my code so important?
SUSAN
Because, it's part of our relationship,
it's an indication of trust.
We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.
GEORGE
Well I'm sure you have secrets from
me. I don't know anything about
your cycles.
SUSAN
My cycles?
GEORGE
Yeah, I never know what's going on there.
SUSAN
Well from now on I'll keep you apprised
of my cycles.
GEORGE
Please.
SUSAN
Anything else?
GEORGE
We're out of Bosco!
Jerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store.
JERRY
Howbout this, come one down to Leapin'
Parry's if you can beat our
prices, we'll give you the store.
LEAPIN' LARRY
Ya know I've always liked your comedy,
you don't take cheap
shots.
JERRY
No I don't.
LEAPIN' LARRY
Sorry for keeping you here so long.
Again, I apologize for the
mess. This renovation is killing me.
JERRY
My foot's asleep again!
Leapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe
limp,
LEAPIN' LARRY
When I lost my leg in the boating accident,
I got so depressed
about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give
up the business.
But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store.
JERRY
You know what? I'll be with you in a
minute.
Jerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin'
Larry's
employee begins laughing.
EMPLOYEE
That is a great impression!
Leapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed.
Jerry is
embarrassed.
JERRY
Larry, wait, you don't understand!
Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment.
KRAMER
I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making
fun of crippled people, is
that what you've sunk to?
JERRY
I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell
asleep.
KRAMER
Oh, oh your foot fell asleep.
JERRY
Ya know, the guy has one leg and he
still calls himself Leapin' Larry,
you'd think he had a sense of humor about it.
KRAMER
Well, you just joked yourself right
out of that commercial, didn't you,
munjamba?
Jerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button.
JERRY
Yup.
VOICE
Hup.
A news bulletin is shown on the TV.
KRAMER
Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire
I was listening to yesterday.
JERRY
Wow, the whole building burned down.
KRAMER
They just don't know what street to
take. You remember that time I got
us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?
JERRY
Of course.
KRAMER
It's all up here, Jerry. All up here.
It's innate.
JERRY
The amazing thing is you never have
any place to go.
Kramer leaves, George enters.
GEORGE
Where we gonna eat?
JERRY
We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman
at the Chinese place.
GEORGE
Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything
about Peterman.
JERRY
Of course not, if I did would you have
gone?
GEORGE
No way.
JERRY
There you go.
GEORGE
I don't even know Peterman. How the
hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna
have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would
much rather be
off.
JERRY
Trust me, you're off.
Elaine bumps into Fred on the street.
ELAINE
Oh, hi Fred.
FRED
Um, hello?
ELAINE
It's Elaine.
FRED
Oh yeah, yeah, right.
ELAINE
How ya doin'?
FRED
I'm depressed. I got this new shirt,
the button fell off. Once the
button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it.
ELAINE
Yeah, that's too bad.
FRED
Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I
feel depleted.
ELAINE
Hmm. I never take them.
FRED
Cause they make you nauseous, right?
ELAINE
Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered!
FRED
Do you wanna have dinner tonight?
ELAINE
Hmm. Tonight.
FRED
What, you have other plans?
ELAINE
No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.
Jerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up
in
mid-conversation.
JERRY
...Alright, you're locked up in a prison
in Turkey, I have your wallet.
The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you
to give me your
ATM code.
GEORGE
Call the Embassy.
JERRY
They're closed.
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
Bomb threat.
GEORGE
We're in Turkey?
JERRY
Midnight Express, my friend.
GEORGE
My card won't work there; they're not
on the Plus system.
Mr. Peterman walks in.
PETERMAN
You must be Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY
Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh,
George Costanza.
PETERMAN
J. Peterman.
GEORGE
J. Crew.
JERRY
Well, is Elaine here?
PETERMAN
Oh, Elaine just called, she won't be
joining us. Not to worry, I'll
tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls.
GEORGE
What's going on? He still wants to have
dinner with us?
JERRY
Without Elaine? What for?
GEORGE
What, is he crazy?
JERRY
We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave
your web, liar man.
GEORGE
I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.
JERRY
George, what's the matter with you?
GEORGE
I'm choking!
PETERMAN
Ah, Fong has been most accommodating.
Shall we?
JERRY
Actually, you know I just remembered
I promised this comedy club that
I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.
PETERMAN
I understand, no hard feelings. George
and I will miss your company.
Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine.
Elaine is waiting on the street.
ELAINE
I can't believe this, is this guy standing
me up?
George and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story.
George is
disinterested.
PETERMAN
...And there, tucked into the river's
bend was the object of my
search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded
under a starlit
sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes
seven-and-a-half
through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars.
GEORGE
Howbout sports? Do you follow sports?
Jerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn
beside him on
the couch.
TV ANNOUNCER
It's fourth and inches and the Giants
are going for it! You
gotta love sports!
Peterman is driving George home.
GEORGE
You know, this is very nice, but I really
could take a cab. Really.
PETERMAN
Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides it
gives me a chance to tell you
about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual
corduroy.
The car phone rings, Peterman answers.
PETERMAN
Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright,
I'll be right there. (To
George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to
God we can make
it there in time.
Peterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the
passenger side
window.
Elaine is on the phone with Jerry.
JERRY
I can't believe you blew us off; we
were doing you the favor.
ELAINE
Well, Fred asked me out.
JERRY
Fred?
ELAINE
Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't
get this guy.
JERRY
You see what's going on here? You're
attracted to him because he can't
remember anything about you.
ELAINE
I am? But that's so sick.
JERRY
That's God's plan. He doesn't really
want anyone to get together.
ELAINE
Anyway, so how was the dinner?
JERRY
Well, when I heard you weren't coming
I made up and excuse and got the
hell out of there.
ELAINE
What about Georgie?
JERRY
Nah, he didn't make it.
Peterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting
with the
doctor.
PETERMAN
Doctor, how is she?
DOCTOR
She's too weak to talk but she'll be
happy to hear your voice.
PETERMAN
Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for
you, mama.
She looks off in George's direction.
GEORGE
I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having
dinner with your son.
Peterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair
with a coat
covering him. Peterman wakes him up.
PETERMAN
Shake off the dew, my friend.
GEORGE
Yeah. What time is it?
PETERMAN
It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through
the night. I'll make us
a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you?
GEORGE
Who?
PETERMAN
Momma. Just talk to her, George. The
doctor seems to think it
helps.
Peterman leaves, George attempts conversation.
GEORGE
Hi. I-I really should be getting back
to my fiancé, you know, we, uh,
we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants
to-to know my
secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing
is, you know, I
would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You
uh, you wanna
know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I
love that
stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy,
that is a
relief!
MRS. PETERMAN
Bosco. Bosco.
GEORGE
Oh, shhh.
MRS. PETERMAN
Bosco!
PETERMAN
Momma?
George" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret.
MRS. PETERMAN
Bosco! Bosco! Bosco!
GEORGE
Shut up! Shut up!
Peterman runs in.
PETERMAN
Momma! What are you trying to say?
MRS. PETERMAN
Bosco.
Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes.
PETERMAN
She's gone. Bosco?
Peterman looks at George, who shrugs.
George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
You know this whole thing never would
have happened if you hadn't
bailed out on me at the restaurant.
JERRY
I did not bail out on you.
GEORGE
Well why couldn't you include me in
your excuse?
JERRY
Why didn't you come up with your own?
GEORGE
I froze. I think I'm losing it.
JERRY
Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?
GEORGE
No, no. I reached down and there was
*nothing* there.
Kramer enters.
GEORGE
Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.
JERRY
Oh, come on, just tell me your code
already. What is it?
GEORGE
I am not giving you my code.
KRAMER
I'll bet I can guess it.
GEORGE
Pssh. Yeah. Right.
KRAMER
Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um,
well, we can throw out
birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for
you, you're a
word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are
you? Well,
you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts
you?
GEORGE
Huh?
KRAMER
You're a portly fellow, a bit long in
the waistband. So what's your
pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours
is a sweet
tooth.
GEORGE
Get out of here.
KRAMER
Oh you may stray, but you'll always
return to your dark master, the
cocoa bean.
GEORGE
I'm leaving.
KRAMER
No, and only the
purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
GEORGE
I gotta go.
KRAMER
If you could you'd guzzle it by the
gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
GEORGE
Shut up!
KRAMER
Nestlé's Quik!
GEORGE
Shut up!
Elaine and George are at the funeral.
GEORGE
What was that?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
You just checked your watch. Are you
thinking of bailing on him?
ELAINE
I got a date.
Mr. Peterman walks up.
ELAINE
Oh, Mr. Peterman.
PETERMAN
Oh, Elaine. George, when momma said
'Bosco' she must have been
trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.
GEORGE
Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling
on and on like a crazy
person.
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies.
Unfortunately, I've
gotta get going.
PETERMAN
You do?
GEORGE
Uh, yes, actually we-we both do.
ELAINE
I have a personal commitment.
GEORGE
Well, personal, I mean, we both uh...
PETERMAN
What is it?
ELAINE
I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference.
GEORGE
Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference.
PETERMAN
I don't believe that for a minute. Well,
Elaine, it was good of you
to stop by.
ELAINE
My pleasure.
PETERMAN
Fortunately, I still have George here
to help me through this.
Elaine leaves.
PETERMAN
You know George, growing up as a boy
in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor
that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.
Kramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket.
KRAMER
Hey, you wanna come down the fire station
with me?
JERRY
Fire station?
KRAMER
Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts.
I'm gonna rock their world!
JERRY
Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
KRAMER
Oh, so he took you back.
JERRY
Yeah, we straightened it out, all is
forgiven.
KRAMER
Well, you know the important thing is
that you learned something.
JERRY
No I didn't.
Kramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain.
CAPTAIN
Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short
cuts is most impressive.
KRAMER
Yeah, and this is just the Upper West
Side. Wait until I get to the
Village, then you're gonna see a magic show.
CAPTAIN
Mr. Kramer, just about every week some
brash young hothead like
yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier
colors for
the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they
are.
Jerry is back at Leapin' Larry's.
JERRY
Anyway, thanks for having me back, and
sorry about the misunderstanding.
LEAPIN' LARRY
Water under the bridge. Come on, I never
did get a chance to
show you around the store.
JERRY
Oh sure.
Jerry stands up to find his leg is asleep.
JERRY
Uh, again? (Limping towards the door)
I'll be right there.
Jerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves,
he accidentally
bumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid
which spills onto
some exposed electrical wires causing a fire.
Back at the fire station, the alarm is ringing.
DISPATCHER
Attention Company 390, structure fire
at Leapin' Larry's Appliance
Warehouse.
KRAMER
Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown.
You gotta take Amsterdam.
CAPTAIN
Stay out of this, Kramer.
Kramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a
try. As he lands
he bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor
in a daze.
KRAMER
Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need
to go?
FIREMAN
I drive the back of the truck.
Kramer's face lights up.
KRAMER
Well, you'd better take it easy.
Kramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of
the truck.
Elaine and Fred are having dinner.
FRED
Sorry about the other night but my mother
called, she couldn't find her
pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills,
and they were
right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that?
ELAINE
Huh.
FRED
The worst part is getting from the subway
station to the house. There's
no transportation...
ELAINE
What am I doing? I'm on a date with
this guy because he
didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him...
FRED
...I could have taken a cab but if my
mother saw me pull up in a cab,
she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for?
It's so
expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her.
George and Peterman are sitting beside the casket.
PETERMAN
Bosco. Bosco. Bosco.
There's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going
up in flames!
Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks
back. George is
still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head.
PETERMAN
George!
Inside the speeding fire engine.
CAPTAIN
Gonna make a left onto Broadway.
KRAMER
No, I would advise against that.
CAPTAIN
Who is this?
Quick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck.
KRAMER
It's Kramer!
CAPTAIN
Kramer?! What the hell are you doing
back there?
KRAMER
DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.
Outside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances
as smoke pours
from the building. A woman approaches Jerry.
WOMAN
How did this start?
JERRY
Beats me.
LEAPIN' LARRY
Where the hell's the fire department?
I'm gonna lose the whole
store!
Cut back to Kramer on the truck.
CAPTAIN
Kramer, get the hell off of there. You're
not trained to operate this
equipment!
MAN ON THE STREET
Hey, Kramer!
KRAMER
Hey!
Cut back to Leapin' Larry's.
LEAPIN' LARRY
Try the scanner, see if you can pick
up anything.
Jerry turns on the scanner.
CAPTAIN
What are you doing, Kramer?! You're
all over the road!
KRAMER
Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it!
JERRY
Kramer?
Cut to Kramer losing control of the truck.
CAPTAIN
You're losing control! Hard right! Hard
right!
Cut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing
sound, and
then static.
JERRY
Ah, that's a shame.
George and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled
block.
PETERMAN
The fire will eat up this entire block!
They come upon an ATM vestibule.
PETERMAN
Look, there's a man in there. Get out
of there, you're in danger!
MAN
But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine,
it ate my card!
PETERMAN
George, give me your ATM card!
GEORGE
I don't have my ATM card.
PETERMAN
George, you're obviously lying, anyone
can see that!
George pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it
into the slot and
tries the door.
PETERMAN
It's jammed! I'll slide it under the
door,
The man grabs the card and slams it into the machine.
MAN
Now give me your code!
GEORGE
What?! Why?
MAN
The machine won't open without the code!
PETERMAN
George, give him your code!
GEORGE
But I-I-I-
PETERMAN
George, there's no time! Tell him your
code! Shout out your code,
man!!
MAN
The code!! The code!!
George and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in
and drops some mail
on the coffee table.
SUSAN
Hi. Here's your cash, George.
GEORGE
Hm. Thanks.
SUSAN
And here's your card back. Anyone for
Bosco?
JERRY
Oh my god. Look at this.
GEORGE
Hm?
PERRY
It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
(Jerry hands the catalog to George.)
GEORGE
The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he
kept his card, his dirty little secret.
Short, devious, balding. his name was
Costanza. He killed my mother.
THE END
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