THE SEVEN
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
I love it when people are complimented
on something they're wearing and they
accept the compliment as if it was about
them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you.
Thank you very much." The compliment
is for the tie, it's not for you, but
we take it. That's kind of the job of
clothes; to get compliments for us,
because it's very hard to get compliments
based on your human qualities. Right?
Let's face it, no matter how nice a
person you are, nobody's gonna come
say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier
to be a bastard and just try and match
the colours up.
(Antique Toy Store)
Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.
They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,
puppets, etc.
ELAINE
(awed) Oh, look at this!
JERRY
Boy, I miss the days they made toys
that could kill a kid.
Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye.
It's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a
pink frame and a basket on the front.
ELAINE
(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!
Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive
woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing
a dress of
mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and
white on the chest
and arms.
JERRY
(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right
there with ya.
ELAINE
(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!
And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always
wanted one of these when I was little.
Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the
store,
and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she
goes, she notices
and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious
to Elaine's
voice.
ELAINE
What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?
JERRY
(tearing himself away from Christie)
Huh?
ELAINE
What d'you think?
JERRY
Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.
ELAINE
(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.
Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.
ELAINE
Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.
CHRISTIE
I think your friend needs some help
over there.
JERRY
You know, the only way to really help
her is to just let her be.
Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the
bike off
the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves
too much and she
falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the
bike pinning her
down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,
so she rings
the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away
from Christie.
ELAINE
Hey!
Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie
is
Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.
SUSAN
A little baby girl?
KEN
Doctor says it could be any day now.
GEORGE
(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,
you and Susan are
cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,
right? So what
does that make me?
CARRIE
Doesn't make you anything.
GEORGE
(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could
marry your daughter.
George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.
Ken and
Carrie look perturbed.
SUSAN
So, have you picked out a name yet?
CARRIE
Well, we've narrowed it down to a few.
We like Kimberley.
SUSAN
Aww.
GEORGE
(negative) Hu-ho, boy.
KEN
You don't like Kimberley?
GEORGE
Ech. What else you got?
KEN
How about Joan?
GEORGE
Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
SUSAN
(warning) George!
CARRIE
Pamela?
GEORGE
Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You
look like nice people,
I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
KEN
What?
GEORGE
Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
CARRIE
I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
GEORGE
All names sound strange the first time
you hear 'em. What, you
Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they
heard it?
KEN
Yeah, but uh... Soda?
GEORGE
Yeah, that's right. It's working.
CARRIE
We'll put it on the list.
GEORGE
I solve problems. That's just what I
do.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is
building
A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles
sliced
meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
by the way
Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.
KRAMER
(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh
boy. Mmm, that's good.
JERRY
You're really going to town with that
turkey there.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.
Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.
KRAMER
Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.
JERRY
It's on the door.
KRAMER
(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)
What, this yellow stuff?
No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.
Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.
KRAMER
Ah, 's no good.
Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread
on,
and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits
out the mouthful he's
taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next
to it.
KRAMER
No. That's bush league.
Kramer heads toward the door.
JERRY
Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're
gonna leave it there?
That's like half a pound of turkey!
KRAMER
No, no, I can't eat that. You can't
eat a sandwich without
Dijon.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really
should keep more of your
favourites on hand.
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.
What, are you unhappy
with our arrangement?
JERRY
What arrangement?
KRAMER
Well, I was under the impression that
I could take anything I
Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want
from mine.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when
you get something in there
and I will.
Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and
she's
Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. What's with your neck?
ELAINE
Still killing me from having to get
that bike off the wall.
(pointedly) By myself.
JERRY
Well, if it's any consolation, I did
get her number.
ELAINE
(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained
it. Ow.
JERRY
Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you
pulled it.
ELAINE
Ach, maybe.
JERRY
Did you twist it? You coulda twisted
it.
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe
you squeezed it. Turned
it...
ELAINE
(patience exhausted) You know what,
why don't you just shut the
hell up?
JERRY
Awright.
ELAINE
God. Man, this is killing me. Right
now, I would give that bike
to the first person who could make this pain go away.
KRAMER
Aw, you really hurting, huh?
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.
KRAMER
Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.
Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for
her neck.
KRAMER
Alright, lean forward, relax.
ELAINE
(worried) What? What?
KRAMER
Encounter shiatsu.
Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.
ELAINE
Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what
you're doing here?
KRAMER
(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise
man once taught me the
Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
ELAINE
Ah hah.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside
the World Trade Centre.
ELAINE
(seriously worried) Wha...?
KRAMER
He's a genius. Here we go...
Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine
looks
Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the
arm of the
couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.
KRAMER
From pain, will come pleasure.
Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a
loud
Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go
of her head and
steps away, job done.
KRAMER
Uh? Voila.
ELAINE
(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.
ELAINE
Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain
is totally gone!
JERRY
What's even more amazing is his formal
training is in
paediatrics.
KRAMER
Awright, my work is done here.
Kramer heads for the door.
ELAINE
(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!
KRAMER
(closing the door) Yeah, you can send
that bike over any time.
ELAINE
(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,
what is he talking about?
JERRY
I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said
you'd give the bike to
anyone who fixes your neck.
ELAINE
You really think he wants the bike?
JERRY
Oh yeah.
ELAINE
It took him like ten seconds!
JERRY
Well, that's the most he's worked in
the last four months.
(George's Car)
George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is
happy,
smiling and whistling.
GEORGE
I think they really went for that Soda.
SUSAN
What, are you crazy? They hated it.
They were just humouring
you.
GEORGE
Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's
gonna be called Soda.
SUSAN
I can tell you, I would never name my
child Soda.
GEORGE
Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great
name for our kids. A
Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?
SUSAN
Yeah.
George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying
the
Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.
SUSAN
What is that? Sign language?
GEORGE
No, Seven.
SUSAN
Seven Costanza? You're serious?
GEORGE
Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy
or a girl...
Susan scoffs.
GEORGE
...especially a girl. Or a boy.
SUSAN
I don't think so.
GEORGE
What, you don't like the name?
SUSAN
It's not a name. It's a number.
GEORGE
I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.
So not only is it an all
Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.
SUSAN
It's awful. I hate it!
GEORGE
(angry) Well, that's the name!
SUSAN
(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child
of mine is ever going to
be named Seven!
GEORGE
(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm
here! Don't get all
crazy on me!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just
told him
about his contretemps with Susan.
JERRY
Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.
Seven. Seven periods of
school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,
and eventually
seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
GEORGE
(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come
up with a better name
than Seven.
Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.
JERRY
Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks
up the mug) Mug
Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or
uh, Ketchup?
Pretty name for a girl.
GEORGE
Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over
the
array of good within.
JERRY
I got fifty right here in the cupboard.
How about Bisquik?
Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
GEORGE
(shouts) Awright already!! This is a
very key issue with me,
Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.
JERRY
Oh, I forgot to call Christie.
GEORGE
Christie? That's the one you met in
the antique store?
JERRY
Yeah, she had this great black and white
dress, with a scoop
neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.
GEORGE
And you met her in an antique store!
I don't know how you do
it!
JERRY
(smug) I'm not engaged.
George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small
goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.
KRAMER
Ah, I got it.
JERRY
Got what?
KRAMER
(putting the items on the counter) Got
the answer, Jerry.
Refrigerator problem, is solved.
JERRY
Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever
you want.
KRAMER
Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.
Alright, I take what I
want.
Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.
KRAMER
Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One
cupcake." And then I
put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and
drops it into the
bowl) There. Very simple.
JERRY
Sort of a mooching inventory.
KRAMER
No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end
of the week, you add 'em
all up, and you give me the bill.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Alright, now look I gotta run some errands,
so look. When
Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?
George passes by as he goes to the fridge.
JERRY
Kramer, I don't know if you're getting
that bike.
KRAMER
Yes I am. We had a verbal contract.
If we can't take each other
at our word, all is lost.
George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.
Kramer
hears the hiss, and notices George.
KRAMER
(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.
Put that on my tab.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long
coats,
Fastened to the collar.
JERRY
Well this is it. The food is atrocious,
but the busboys are the
best in the city.
A member of staff approaches.
MAITRE D'
May I take your coat, miss?
CHRISTIE
Yes, thank you.
The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing
that
she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique
store. Jerry
looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks
at him.
(Monks')
Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.
George
Fingers his chin thoughtfully.
GEORGE
The same outfit?
JERRY
The exact same outfit.
GEORGE
How many days was it between encounters.
JERRY
Three.
GEORGE
Three days. Well, maybe you caught her
on the cusp of a new
wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,
everything got
clean and she started all over again.
JERRY
Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit
only reappear again at
the end of the cycle?
GEORGE
Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
JERRY
Why? It's our first date, she's already
in reruns?
GEORGE
Very curious.
JERRY
Indeed.
GEORGE
You know, Einstein wore the exact same
outfit every day.
JERRY
Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let
it slide.
GEORGE
(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading
home.
JERRY
Hey, did Susan change her mind about
the name?
GEORGE
(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.
JERRY
You know, George, just because your
life is destroyed, don't
Destroy someone else's.
GEORGE
It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.
JERRY
How about 'Mickey'?
GEORGE
'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!
George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,
and a
cigar in his mouth.
KRAMER
Hey buddy.
JERRY
(holding up a can) Hey, is this your
half a can of soda in the
fridge?
KRAMER
No, that's yours. My half is gone.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, I put my half a can here on the
tab. Why, what's your
beef?
JERRY
You cannot buy half a can of soda.
KRAMER
Well, why not.
JERRY
Well, I don't wanna get into the whole
physics of carbonation
with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open
it?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
That is the sound of you buying a whole
can. And the same goes
for this, okay...
Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large
bite.
JERRY
...When you pierce the skin of a piece
of fruit, you've bought
the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...
Jerry hold up a half banana.
KRAMER
Alright.
JERRY
...You bite it, you bought it.
KRAMER
Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary
adjustments, alright.
JERRY
Thank you.
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?
Nice and loose?
ELAINE
Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting
this bike. I don't even
know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.
KRAMER
(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.
We had a deal.
ELAINE
No we didn't. You take these things
too literally. It's like
saying,
you're hungry enough to eat a horse.
KRAMER
Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider
eats horse all the time. He
gets it from his butcher.
ELAINE
This is not the point. (emphatic) The
point is, you just can't
have the bike.
KRAMER
Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening
the door) You are
the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,
George, yeah, I
can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...
Kramer holds one hand up above his head.
KRAMER
I always put you up here...
Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.
KRAMER
...They're over here. Now you're...
aww-whawww.
Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.
He
leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with
her conscience. There
is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes
in his head,
expectantly.
ELAINE
(grudging) Alright.
KRAMER
(points) Digidi.
Kramer leaves and closes the door again.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner.
GEORGE
Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's
a real original, nobody
else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.
SUSAN
Well, I dunno how original it's gonna
be any more.
GEORGE
Why not?
SUSAN
Well I was telling Carrie about our
argument, and when I told
them the name, they just loved it.
GEORGE
So, what're you saying?
SUSAN
They're gonna name their baby Seven.
GEORGE
(disbelief) What?! They're stealing
the name?! That's my name,
I made it up!
SUSAN
I can't believe that they're using it.
GEORGE
(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!
It's gonna lose
all its cachet!
SUSAN
I dunno how much cachet it had to begin
with.
GEORGE
(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's
got cachet up the
yin-yang!
(Elaine's Apartment)
Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises
herself
from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of
agony crosses her
face.
ELAINE
(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)
Kramer!
(Street)
Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has
her head
Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A
guy coming the
other way gives her a warning.
MAN
Watch your step.
Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field
of vision.
ELAINE
(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.
Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.
CHRISTIE
Excuse me. Elaine?
Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.
ELAINE
Huh?
Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her
head
and neck.
CHRISTIE
Over here. I thought that was you. You're
Jerry's friend,
right?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?
CHRISTIE
Yes. How y'doing?
ELAINE
(bearing up) I'm fine.
CHRISTIE
Well, I gotta run. It was good to see
you.
Christie walks away.
ELAINE
(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good
to, good to see you.
Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and
ringing
the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.
VOICE 1
Lookin' good.
VOICE 2
Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.
KRAMER
You got that right!
A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.
KID
(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's
bike.
Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.
ELAINE
(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!
(Outside Apartment Building)
George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular
apartment.
KEN
Hello.
GEORGE
Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I
think we need to talk.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.
ELAINE
(angry shout) Kramer!
Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at
Kramer's
door.
ELAINE
Kramer!!
JERRY
Hey
Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.
ELAINE
Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little
joyride yet?
Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
ELAINE
His chiropractic job was a crock. It's
even worse than it was
before.
Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as
she
moves.
JERRY
Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would
think Kramer would have a
knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.
ELAINE
Hey, you know what, I think I ran into
that girl from the
antique store. What's her name, Christie?
JERRY
You saw her? What was she wearing?
ELAINE
I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't
look down because of
my neck.
JERRY
Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?
ELAINE
What d'you care?
JERRY
Both times I've seen her she's worn
the same dress.
There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it
into
Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the
couch, past the
TV and is heading for the door.
ELAINE
Did you have a nice ride?
KRAMER
Oh, great ride.
ELAINE
Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!
Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides
straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,
then makes his
stumbling way upright again.
KRAMER
What're you talking about?! We had a
deal!
ELAINE
(anger) You better give me back that
bike! (indicating neck)
Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this
morning.
KRAMER
Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden
board for at least a
week.
ELAINE
What? You never told me that.
KRAMER
Well, it's common sense.
ELAINE
Jerry, what is he talking about? He's
being ridiculous.
KRAMER
Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole
story, you should
settle this.
ELAINE
Yeah Jerry.
JERRY
Well, I'm flattered that you would both
appeal to my wisdom, but
unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting
involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.
ELAINE
Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go
for that?
KRAMER
Alright, I'm down.
JERRY
Course, it would have to be someone
who hasn't heard the story
before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.
Someone whose
heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or
human emotion of
any kind.
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head
tilted
back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying
to give an
Impression of limitless wisdom.
ELAINE
So, that's the situation.
NEWMAN
Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma.
Each of you seemingly
has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can
have only one
rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I
believe the law is
all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from
the savages
who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)
Stuffing parcels
into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
KRAMER
Newman!
Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.
NEWMAN
...But, you must promise That you will
abide by my decision, no
Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your
word?
KRAMER
Uh, yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah.
NEWMAN
Alright, let's begin.
Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single
'ting' of a microwave.
NEWMAN
(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.
(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)
Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is
explaining about Seven.
KEN
Why can't we use Seven?
GEORGE
It's my name. I made it up. You can't
just steal it.
CARRIE
Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.
You've already postponed
The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.
GEORGE
Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.
I'm not a waffler. I don't
waffle!
KEN
Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle
fans, and we love the name.
It's very unusual.
GEORGE
(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I
thought we all agreed on
Soda.
KEN
(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.
GEORGE
You don't care for Soda?!
CARRIE
(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda
at all!
GEORGE
(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!
It's bubbly, it's
refreshing!
Carrie jumps and gives a cry.
CARRIE
Oh!
KEN
What is it?
CARRIE
I felt something.
KEN
Are you okay, honey?
CARRIE
I think I'm going into labour.
George flashes a panicked expression.
KEN
Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.
Let's just get to the
hospital...
Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.
CARRIE
Okay.
KEN
...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,
right here.
Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.
George trails along behind them, making suggestions.
GEORGE
What about Six?
Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.
GEORGE
Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.
Ken has left, George follows out the door.
GEORGE
Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!
George closes the door behind him.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while
Jerry
leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact
that Christie is
wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous
meetings.
CHRISTIE
Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.
JERRY
No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.
CHRISTIE
I know exactly what you mean.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure you do.
Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews
thoughtfully.
JERRY
What in god's name is going on here?
Is she wearing the
same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full
of these, like
Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing
the
shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.
CHRISTIE
(horrified) Oh my god!
JERRY
Oh.
Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only
so much
you can do.
CHRISTIE
Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this.
Do you mind if we go
back to my apartment, so I can change?
JERRY
Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's
a super idea.
(Ken and Carrie's Car)
Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up
as you'd
expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making
one last
attempt to save his name.
CARRIE
Are we almost there?
KEN
Just keep breathing, okay.
CARRIE
(deep breaths) Okay, okay.
KEN
Okay.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,
I kinda promised the widow
Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.
As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.
KEN
Now's not the best time, George!
GEORGE
(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,
and boy...
KEN
(firm) George! She's in labour!
GEORGE
(angry shout) So am I!
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's
arbitration.
NEWMAN
Well, you've both presented very convincing
arguments. On the
one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it
not still a promise? Hmm?
Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one
up.
NEWMAN
And, Kramer, you did provide a service
in exchange for
compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer
to some assurance
Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions
to answer.
Not for any man...
Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
as she can while only being able to look upwards.
NEWMAN
...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)
We will cut the
bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
ELAINE
(shout) What?! This is your solution?!
To ruin the bike?!
Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across
at
the bike, looking worried.
ELAINE
Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)
Cut the stupid thing
in half.
KRAMER
No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather
it belonged to another
than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
NEWMAN
Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's
true owner would rather
give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
ELAINE
What?!
KRAMER
Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.
ELAINE
(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,
my neck is still
hurting me,
and now you have the bike?!
KRAMER
Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm
going for a ride.
Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell
as he
goes.
(Christie's Apartment)
Christie leads Jerry into her home.
CHRISTIE
Here we are.
JERRY
(looking around) Ah, so this is the
Fortress of Solitude.
Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.
CHRISTIE
Well, I guess I'll go change.
JERRY
Yes, change. By all means, change.
Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and
sits
down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices
a small framed
picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing
the same black and
White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,
reading a date
written on the photo.
JERRY
August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.
The same dress!
She never
changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds
of these
dresses.
Jerry gets up from his seat.
JERRY
There must be a secret stash around
here somewhere.
Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting
about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and
looking indignant
at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.
CHRISTIE
Ahem! Are you looking for something?
JERRY
What're you doing? I thought you were
changing.
CHRISTIE
No, I, I'm thinking we should just call
it a night.
JERRY
No, no. C'mon, put something else on.
It's early, let's go out.
CHRISTIE
If it's all the same to you, I think
I'm just gonna go to
bed.
Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.
JERRY
You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe
I'll just sleep here on
The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk
out
together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the
same clothes. You'll
of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.
But we'll go
downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.
CHRISTIE
(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.
Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.
JERRY
You wanna throw something on and walk
me to a cab?
CHRISTIE
(gesturing) Get out.
Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes
it
on him.
JERRY
(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing
tomorrow. I'll help you
lay it out on the bed.
(Hospital)
Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's
doing her
breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George
also
hustles along the corridor with the group.
KEN
Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, you're really
being very selfish. It
would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself
every now and then!
CARRIE
(shouts) I'm having a baby!!
The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the
delivery
room. Ken turns to face George.
KEN
George, you're not getting Seven! Now
get outta here!!
Ken strides into the delivery room.
GEORGE
(desperate) Please! I have so little!
George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.
ORDERLY
Sorry sir, it's family only.
The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen
through
The window.
GEORGE
I'm family. I'm having sex with the
cousin!
George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's
crying as
He screams.
GEORGE
Seven!!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal
in the
kitchen.
JERRY
Hello, Christie? I was wondering if
we could get together again?
(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the
phone.
C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be
one on one, you can
bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang
up on me.
(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.
Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.
KRAMER
(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,
if you're gonna be snacking
On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.
JERRY
Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put
a damper on your little
Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up
your tab.
Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.
Kramer takes a look.
KRAMER
(does a double take) Yikes.
JERRY
I know. Pretty steep.
KRAMER
Well, I don't have this kind of cash.
JERRY
Few do.
KRAMER
I'm good for it.
JERRY
Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...
Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's
hands.
JERRY
...the food court is closed.
KRAMER
(opening the door) Alright. I'll get
that money for you in five
minutes. And, don't eat any more.
Kramer leaves at a run.
(Street)
Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.
ELAINE
Hey, that's my bike!
Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the
Schwinn
for all he's worth. He rings the bell.
NEWMAN
Gangway!
ELAINE
This is my bike!
Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.
NEWMAN
Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from
Kramer. He was hard up for
cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course,
I had to make
some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,
heavy duty
shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.
Newman begins to ride away.
ELAINE
(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme
back that bike. Newman,
gimme...
Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.
NEWMAN
Hey!! Help me!
The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and
a
determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.
(End)
7.13 "The Seven"
EPISODE NUMBER
123
ORIGINAL AIR DATE
February 01, 1996
WRITTEN BY
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
DIRECTED BY
Andy Ackerman
GUEST CAST
Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken)
Shannon Holt (Carrie)
Lisa Deanne (Christie)
Charles Emmett (Orderly)
David Richards (Maitre d')
Matthew McCurley (Kid)
Josh Abramson (Man #1)
Steve Artiaga (Man #2)
Cheryl Hunter (Woman)
(Nightclub)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
I love it when people are complimented
on something they're
wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them.
"Nice tie." "Well,
thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie,
it's not for
you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get
compliments for
us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human
qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person
you are, nobody's gonna come
Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and
just try and
match the colours up.
(Antique Toy Store)
Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.
They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,
puppets, etc.
ELAINE
(awed) Oh, look at this!
JERRY
Boy, I miss the days they made toys
that could kill a kid.
Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned
girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket
on the front.
ELAINE
(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!
Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive
woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing
a dress of
mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and
white on the chest
and arms.
JERRY
(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right
there with ya.
ELAINE
(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!
And it's the girl's
model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.
Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the
store,
and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she
goes, she notices
and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious
to Elaine's
voice.
ELAINE
What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?
JERRY
(tearing himself away from Christie)
Huh?
ELAINE
What d'you think?
JERRY
Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.
ELAINE
(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.
Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.
ELAINE
Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.
CHRISTIE
I think your friend needs some help
over there.
JERRY
You know, the only way to really help
her is to just let her be.
Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the
bike off
the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves
too much and she
falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the
bike pinning her
down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,
so she rings
the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away
from Christie.
ELAINE
Hey!
Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie
is
Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.
SUSAN
A little baby girl?
KEN
Doctor says it could be any day now.
GEORGE
(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,
you and Susan are
cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,
right? So what
does that make me?
CARRIE
Doesn't make you anything.
GEORGE
(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could
marry your daughter.
George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.
Ken and
Carrie look perturbed.
SUSAN
So, have you picked out a name yet?
CARRIE
Well, we've narrowed it down to a few.
We like Kimberley.
SUSAN
Aww.
GEORGE
(negative) Hu-ho, boy.
KEN
You don't like Kimberley?
GEORGE
Ech. What else you got?
KEN
How about Joan?
GEORGE
Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
SUSAN
(warning) George!
CARRIE
Pamela?
GEORGE
Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You
look like nice people,
I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
KEN
What?
GEORGE
Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
CARRIE
I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
GEORGE
All names sound strange the first time
you hear 'em. What, you
Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they
heard it?
KEN
Yeah, but uh... Soda?
GEORGE
Yeah, that's right. It's working.
CARRIE
We'll put it on the list.
GEORGE
I solve problems. That's just what I
do.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is
building
A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles
sliced
meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
by the way
Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.
KRAMER
(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh
boy. Mmm, that's good.
JERRY
You're really going to town with that
turkey there.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.
Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.
KRAMER
Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.
JERRY
It's on the door.
KRAMER
(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)
What, this yellow stuff?
No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.
Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.
KRAMER
Ah, 's no good.
Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread
on,
and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits
out the mouthful he's
taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next
to it.
KRAMER
No. That's bush league.
Kramer heads toward the door.
JERRY
Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're
gonna leave it there?
That's like half a pound of turkey!
KRAMER
No, no, I can't eat that. You can't
eat a sandwich without
Dijon.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really
should keep more of your
favourites on hand.
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.
What, are you unhappy
with our arrangement?
JERRY
What arrangement?
KRAMER
Well, I was under the impression that
I could take anything I
Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want
from mine.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when
you get something in there
and I will.
Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and
she's
Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. What's with your neck?
ELAINE
Still killing me from having to get
that bike off the wall.
(pointedly) By myself.
JERRY
Well, if it's any consolation, I did
get her number.
ELAINE
(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained
it. Ow.
JERRY
Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you
pulled it.
ELAINE
Ach, maybe.
JERRY
Did you twist it? You coulda twisted
it.
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe
you squeezed it. Turned
it...
ELAINE
(patience exhausted) You know what,
why don't you just shut the
hell up?
JERRY
Awright.
ELAINE
God. Man, this is killing me. Right
now, I would give that bike
to the first person who could make this pain go away.
KRAMER
Aw, you really hurting, huh?
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.
KRAMER
Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.
Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for
her neck.
KRAMER
Alright, lean forward, relax.
ELAINE
(worried) What? What?
KRAMER
Encounter shiatsu.
Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.
ELAINE
Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what
you're doing here?
KRAMER
(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise
man once taught me the
Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
ELAINE
Ah hah.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside
the World Trade Centre.
ELAINE
(seriously worried) Wha...?
KRAMER
He's a genius. Here we go...
Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine
looks
Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the
arm of the
couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.
KRAMER
From pain, will come pleasure.
Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a
loud
Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go
of her head and
steps away, job done.
KRAMER
Uh? Voila.
ELAINE
(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.
ELAINE
Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain
is totally gone!
JERRY
What's even more amazing is his formal
training is in
paediatrics.
KRAMER
Awright, my work is done here.
Kramer heads for the door.
ELAINE
(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!
KRAMER
(closing the door) Yeah, you can send
that bike over any time.
ELAINE
(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,
what is he talking about?
JERRY
I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said
you'd give the bike to
anyone who fixes your neck.
ELAINE
You really think he wants the bike?
JERRY
Oh yeah.
ELAINE
It took him like ten seconds!
JERRY
Well, that's the most he's worked in
the last four months.
(George's Car)
George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is
happy,
smiling and whistling.
GEORGE
I think they really went for that Soda.
SUSAN
What, are you crazy? They hated it.
They were just humouring
you.
GEORGE
Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's
gonna be called Soda.
SUSAN
I can tell you, I would never name my
child Soda.
GEORGE
Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great
name for our kids. A
Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?
SUSAN
Yeah.
George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying
the
Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.
SUSAN
What is that? Sign language?
GEORGE
No, Seven.
SUSAN
Seven Costanza? You're serious?
GEORGE
Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy
or a girl...
Susan scoffs.
GEORGE
...especially a girl. Or a boy.
SUSAN
I don't think so.
GEORGE
What, you don't like the name?
SUSAN
It's not a name. It's a number.
GEORGE
I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.
So not only is it an all
Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.
SUSAN
It's awful. I hate it!
GEORGE
(angry) Well, that's the name!
SUSAN
(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child
of mine is ever going to
be named Seven!
GEORGE
(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm
here! Don't get all
crazy on me!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just
told him
about his contretemps with Susan.
JERRY
Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.
Seven. Seven periods of
school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,
and eventually
seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
GEORGE
(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come
up with a better name
than Seven.
Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.
JERRY
Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks
up the mug) Mug
Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or
uh, Ketchup?
Pretty name for a girl.
GEORGE
Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over
the
array of good within.
JERRY
I got fifty right here in the cupboard.
How about Bisquik?
Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
GEORGE
(shouts) Awright already!! This is a
very key issue with me,
Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.
JERRY
Oh, I forgot to call Christie.
GEORGE
Christie? That's the one you met in
the antique store?
JERRY
Yeah, she had this great black and white
dress, with a scoop
neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.
GEORGE
And you met her in an antique store!
I don't know how you do
it!
JERRY
(smug) I'm not engaged.
George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small
goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.
KRAMER
Ah, I got it.
JERRY
Got what?
KRAMER
(putting the items on the counter) Got
the answer, Jerry.
Refrigerator problem, is solved.
JERRY
Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever
you want.
KRAMER
Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.
Alright, I take what I
want.
Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.
KRAMER
Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One
cupcake." And then I
put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and
drops it into the
bowl) There. Very simple.
JERRY
Sort of a mooching inventory.
KRAMER
No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end
of the week, you add 'em
all up, and you give me the bill.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Alright, now look I gotta run some errands,
so look. When
Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?
George passes by as he goes to the fridge.
JERRY
Kramer, I don't know if you're getting
that bike.
KRAMER
Yes I am. We had a verbal contract.
If we can't take each other
at our word, all is lost.
George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.
Kramer
hears the hiss, and notices George.
KRAMER
(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.
Put that on my tab.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long
coats,
Fastened to the collar.
JERRY
Well this is it. The food is atrocious,
but the busboys are the
best in the city.
A member of staff approaches.
MAITRE D'
May I take your coat, miss?
CHRISTIE
Yes, thank you.
The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing
that
she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique
store. Jerry
looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks
at him.
(Monks')
Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.
George
Fingers his chin thoughtfully.
GEORGE
The same outfit?
JERRY
The exact same outfit.
GEORGE
How many days was it between encounters.
JERRY
Three.
GEORGE
Three days. Well, maybe you caught her
on the cusp of a new
wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,
everything got
clean and she started all over again.
JERRY
Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit
only reappear again at
the end of the cycle?
GEORGE
Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
JERRY
Why? It's our first date, she's already
in reruns?
GEORGE
Very curious.
JERRY
Indeed.
GEORGE
You know, Einstein wore the exact same
outfit every day.
JERRY
Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let
it slide.
GEORGE
(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading
home.
JERRY
Hey, did Susan change her mind about
the name?
GEORGE
(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.
JERRY
You know, George, just because your
life is destroyed, don't
Destroy someone else's.
GEORGE
It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.
JERRY
How about 'Mickey'?
GEORGE
'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!
George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,
and a
cigar in his mouth.
KRAMER
Hey buddy.
JERRY
(holding up a can) Hey, is this your
half a can of soda in the
fridge?
KRAMER
No, that's yours. My half is gone.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, I put my half a can here on the
tab. Why, what's your
beef?
JERRY
You cannot buy half a can of soda.
KRAMER
Well, why not.
JERRY
Well, I don't wanna get into the whole
physics of carbonation
with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open
it?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
That is the sound of you buying a whole
can. And the same goes
for this, okay...
Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large
bite.
JERRY
...When you pierce the skin of a piece
of fruit, you've bought
the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...
Jerry hold up a half banana.
KRAMER
Alright.
JERRY
...You bite it, you bought it.
KRAMER
Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary
adjustments, alright.
JERRY
Thank you.
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?
Nice and loose?
ELAINE
Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting
this bike. I don't even
know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.
KRAMER
(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.
We had a deal.
ELAINE
No we didn't. You take these things
too literally. It's like
saying,
you're hungry enough to eat a horse.
KRAMER
Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider
eats horse all the time. He
gets it from his butcher.
ELAINE
This is not the point. (emphatic) The
point is, you just can't
have the bike.
KRAMER
Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening
the door) You are
the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,
George, yeah, I
can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...
Kramer holds one hand up above his head.
KRAMER
I always put you up here...
Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.
KRAMER
...They're over here. Now you're...
aww-whawww.
Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.
He
leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with
her conscience. There
is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes
in his head,
expectantly.
ELAINE
(grudging) Alright.
KRAMER
(points) Digidi.
Kramer leaves and closes the door again.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner.
GEORGE
Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's
a real original, nobody
else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.
SUSAN
Well, I dunno how original it's gonna
be any more.
GEORGE
Why not?
SUSAN
Well I was telling Carrie about our
argument, and when I told
them the name, they just loved it.
GEORGE
So, what're you saying?
SUSAN
They're gonna name their baby Seven.
GEORGE
(disbelief) What?! They're stealing
the name?! That's my name,
I made it up!
SUSAN
I can't believe that they're using it.
GEORGE
(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!
It's gonna lose
all its cachet!
SUSAN
I dunno how much cachet it had to begin
with.
GEORGE
(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's
got cachet up the
yin-yang!
(Elaine's Apartment)
Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises
herself
from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of
agony crosses her
face.
ELAINE
(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)
Kramer!
(Street)
Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has
her head
Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A
guy coming the
other way gives her a warning.
MAN
Watch your step.
Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field
of vision.
ELAINE
(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.
Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.
CHRISTIE
Excuse me. Elaine?
Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.
ELAINE
Huh?
Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her
head
and neck.
CHRISTIE
Over here. I thought that was you. You're
Jerry's friend,
right?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?
CHRISTIE
Yes. How y'doing?
ELAINE
(bearing up) I'm fine.
CHRISTIE
Well, I gotta run. It was good to see
you.
Christie walks away.
ELAINE
(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good
to, good to see you.
Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and
ringing
the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.
VOICE 1
Lookin' good.
VOICE 2
Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.
KRAMER
You got that right!
A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.
KID
(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's
bike.
Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.
ELAINE
(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!
(Outside Apartment Building)
George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular
apartment.
KEN
Hello.
GEORGE
Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I
think we need to talk.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.
ELAINE
(angry shout) Kramer!
Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at
Kramer's
door.
ELAINE
Kramer!!
JERRY
Hey
Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.
ELAINE
Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little
joyride yet?
Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
ELAINE
His chiropractic job was a crock. It's
even worse than it was
before.
Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as
she
moves.
JERRY
Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would
think Kramer would have a
knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.
ELAINE
Hey, you know what, I think I ran into
that girl from the
antique store. What's her name, Christie?
JERRY
You saw her? What was she wearing?
ELAINE
I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't
look down because of
my neck.
JERRY
Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?
ELAINE
What d'you care?
JERRY
Both times I've seen her she's worn
the same dress.
There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it
into
Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the
couch, past the
TV and is heading for the door.
ELAINE
Did you have a nice ride?
KRAMER
Oh, great ride.
ELAINE
Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!
Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides
straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,
then makes his
stumbling way upright again.
KRAMER
What're you talking about?! We had a
deal!
ELAINE
(anger) You better give me back that
bike! (indicating neck)
Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this
morning.
KRAMER
Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden
board for at least a
week.
ELAINE
What? You never told me that.
KRAMER
Well, it's common sense.
ELAINE
Jerry, what is he talking about? He's
being ridiculous.
KRAMER
Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole
story, you should
settle this.
ELAINE
Yeah Jerry.
JERRY
Well, I'm flattered that you would both
appeal to my wisdom, but
unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting
involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.
ELAINE
Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go
for that?
KRAMER
Alright, I'm down.
JERRY
Course, it would have to be someone
who hasn't heard the story
before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.
Someone whose
heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or
human emotion of
any kind.
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head
tilted
back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying
to give an
Impression of limitless wisdom.
ELAINE
So, that's the situation.
NEWMAN
Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma.
Each of you seemingly
has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can
have only one
rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I
believe the law is
all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from
the savages
who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)
Stuffing parcels
into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
KRAMER
Newman!
Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.
NEWMAN
...But, you must promise That you will
abide by my decision, no
Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your
word?
KRAMER
Uh, yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah.
NEWMAN
Alright, let's begin.
Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single
'ting' of a microwave.
NEWMAN
(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.
(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)
Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is
explaining about Seven.
KEN
Why can't we use Seven?
GEORGE
It's my name. I made it up. You can't
just steal it.
CARRIE
Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.
You've already postponed
The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.
GEORGE
Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.
I'm not a waffler. I don't
waffle!
KEN
Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle
fans, and we love the name.
It's very unusual.
GEORGE
(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I
thought we all agreed on
Soda.
KEN
(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.
GEORGE
You don't care for Soda?!
CARRIE
(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda
at all!
GEORGE
(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!
It's bubbly, it's
refreshing!
Carrie jumps and gives a cry.
CARRIE
Oh!
KEN
What is it?
CARRIE
I felt something.
KEN
Are you okay, honey?
CARRIE
I think I'm going into labour.
George flashes a panicked expression.
KEN
Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.
Let's just get to the
hospital...
Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.
CARRIE
Okay.
KEN
...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,
right here.
Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.
George trails along behind them, making suggestions.
GEORGE
What about Six?
Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.
GEORGE
Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.
Ken has left, George follows out the door.
GEORGE
Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!
George closes the door behind him.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while
Jerry
leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact
that Christie is
wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous
meetings.
CHRISTIE
Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.
JERRY
No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.
CHRISTIE
I know exactly what you mean.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure you do.
Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews
thoughtfully.
JERRY
What in god's name is going on here?
Is she wearing the
same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full
of these, like
Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing
the
shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.
CHRISTIE
(horrified) Oh my god!
JERRY
Oh.
Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only
so much
you can do.
CHRISTIE
Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this.
Do you mind if we go
back to my apartment, so I can change?
JERRY
Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's
a super idea.
(Ken and Carrie's Car)
Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up
as you'd
expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making
one last
attempt to save his name.
CARRIE
Are we almost there?
KEN
Just keep breathing, okay.
CARRIE
(deep breaths) Okay, okay.
KEN
Okay.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,
I kinda promised the widow
Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.
As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.
KEN
Now's not the best time, George!
GEORGE
(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,
and boy...
KEN
(firm) George! She's in labour!
GEORGE
(angry shout) So am I!
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's
arbitration.
NEWMAN
Well, you've both presented very convincing
arguments. On the
one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it
not still a promise? Hmm?
Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one
up.
NEWMAN
And, Kramer, you did provide a service
in exchange for
compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer
to some assurance
Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions
to answer.
Not for any man...
Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
as she can while only being able to look upwards.
NEWMAN
...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)
We will cut the
bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
ELAINE
(shout) What?! This is your solution?!
To ruin the bike?!
Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across
at
the bike, looking worried.
ELAINE
Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)
Cut the stupid thing
in half.
KRAMER
No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather
it belonged to another
than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
NEWMAN
Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's
true owner would rather
give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
ELAINE
What?!
KRAMER
Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.
ELAINE
(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,
my neck is still
hurting me,
and now you have the bike?!
KRAMER
Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm
going for a ride.
Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell
as he
goes.
(Christie's Apartment)
Christie leads Jerry into her home.
CHRISTIE
Here we are.
JERRY
(looking around) Ah, so this is the
Fortress of Solitude.
Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.
CHRISTIE
Well, I guess I'll go change.
JERRY
Yes, change. By all means, change.
Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and
sits
down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices
a small framed
picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing
the same black and
White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,
reading a date
written on the photo.
JERRY
August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.
The same dress!
She never
changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds
of these
dresses.
Jerry gets up from his seat.
JERRY
There must be a secret stash around
here somewhere.
Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting
about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and
looking indignant
at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.
CHRISTIE
Ahem! Are you looking for something?
JERRY
What're you doing? I thought you were
changing.
CHRISTIE
No, I, I'm thinking we should just call
it a night.
JERRY
No, no. C'mon, put something else on.
It's early, let's go out.
CHRISTIE
If it's all the same to you, I think
I'm just gonna go to
bed.
Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.
JERRY
You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe
I'll just sleep here on
The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk
out
together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the
same clothes. You'll
of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.
But we'll go
downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.
CHRISTIE
(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.
Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.
JERRY
You wanna throw something on and walk
me to a cab?
CHRISTIE
(gesturing) Get out.
Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes
it
on him.
JERRY
(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing
tomorrow. I'll help you
lay it out on the bed.
(Hospital)
Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's
doing her
breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George
also
hustles along the corridor with the group.
KEN
Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, you're really
being very selfish. It
would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself
every now and then!
CARRIE
(shouts) I'm having a baby!!
The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the
delivery
room. Ken turns to face George.
KEN
George, you're not getting Seven! Now
get outta here!!
Ken strides into the delivery room.
GEORGE
(desperate) Please! I have so little!
George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.
ORDERLY
Sorry sir, it's family only.
The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen
through
The window.
GEORGE
I'm family. I'm having sex with the
cousin!
George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's
crying as
He screams.
GEORGE
Seven!!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal
in the
kitchen.
JERRY
Hello, Christie? I was wondering if
we could get together again?
(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the
phone.
C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be
one on one, you can
bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang
up on me.
(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.
Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.
KRAMER
(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,
if you're gonna be snacking
On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.
JERRY
Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put
a damper on your little
Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up
your tab.
Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.
Kramer takes a look.
KRAMER
(does a double take) Yikes.
JERRY
I know. Pretty steep.
KRAMER
Well, I don't have this kind of cash.
JERRY
Few do.
KRAMER
I'm good for it.
JERRY
Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...
Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's
hands.
JERRY
...the food court is closed.
KRAMER
(opening the door) Alright. I'll get
that money for you in five
minutes. And, don't eat any more.
Kramer leaves at a run.
(Street)
Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.
ELAINE
Hey, that's my bike!
Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the
Schwinn
for all he's worth. He rings the bell.
NEWMAN
Gangway!
ELAINE
This is my bike!
Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.
NEWMAN
Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from
Kramer. He was hard up for
cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course,
I had to make
some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,
heavy duty
shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.
Newman begins to ride away.
ELAINE
(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme
back that bike. Newman,
gimme...
Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.
NEWMAN
Hey!! Help me!
The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and
a
determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.
(End)
7.13 "The Seven"
EPISODE NUMBER
123
ORIGINAL AIR DATE
February 01, 1996
WRITTEN BY
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
DIRECTED BY
Andy Ackerman
GUEST CAST
Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken)
Shannon Holt (Carrie)
Lisa Deanne (Christie)
Charles Emmett (Orderly)
David Richards (Maitre d')
Matthew McCurley (Kid)
Josh Abramson (Man #1)
Steve Artiaga (Man #2)
Cheryl Hunter (Woman)
(Nightclub)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
I love it when people are complimented
on something they're
wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them.
"Nice tie." "Well,
thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie,
it's not for
you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get
compliments for
us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human
qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person
you are, nobody's gonna come
Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and
just try and
match the colours up.
(Antique Toy Store)
Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.
They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,
puppets, etc.
ELAINE
(awed) Oh, look at this!
JERRY
Boy, I miss the days they made toys
that could kill a kid.
Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned
girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket
on the front.
ELAINE
(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!
Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive
woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing
a dress of
mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and
white on the chest
and arms.
JERRY
(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right
there with ya.
ELAINE
(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!
And it's the girl's
model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.
Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the
store,
and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she
goes, she notices
and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious
to Elaine's
voice.
ELAINE
What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?
JERRY
(tearing himself away from Christie)
Huh?
ELAINE
What d'you think?
JERRY
Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.
ELAINE
(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.
Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.
ELAINE
Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.
CHRISTIE
I think your friend needs some help
over there.
JERRY
You know, the only way to really help
her is to just let her be.
Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the
bike off
the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves
too much and she
falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the
bike pinning her
down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,
so she rings
the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away
from Christie.
ELAINE
Hey!
Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie
is
Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.
SUSAN
A little baby girl?
KEN
Doctor says it could be any day now.
GEORGE
(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,
you and Susan are
cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,
right? So what
does that make me?
CARRIE
Doesn't make you anything.
GEORGE
(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could
marry your daughter.
George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.
Ken and
Carrie look perturbed.
SUSAN
So, have you picked out a name yet?
CARRIE
Well, we've narrowed it down to a few.
We like Kimberley.
SUSAN
Aww.
GEORGE
(negative) Hu-ho, boy.
KEN
You don't like Kimberley?
GEORGE
Ech. What else you got?
KEN
How about Joan?
GEORGE
Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
SUSAN
(warning) George!
CARRIE
Pamela?
GEORGE
Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You
look like nice people,
I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
KEN
What?
GEORGE
Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
CARRIE
I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
GEORGE
All names sound strange the first time
you hear 'em. What, you
Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they
heard it?
KEN
Yeah, but uh... Soda?
GEORGE
Yeah, that's right. It's working.
CARRIE
We'll put it on the list.
GEORGE
I solve problems. That's just what I
do.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is
building
A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles
sliced
meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
by the way
Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.
KRAMER
(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh
boy. Mmm, that's good.
JERRY
You're really going to town with that
turkey there.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.
Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.
KRAMER
Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.
JERRY
It's on the door.
KRAMER
(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)
What, this yellow stuff?
No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.
Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.
KRAMER
Ah, 's no good.
Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread
on,
and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits
out the mouthful he's
taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next
to it.
KRAMER
No. That's bush league.
Kramer heads toward the door.
JERRY
Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're
gonna leave it there?
That's like half a pound of turkey!
KRAMER
No, no, I can't eat that. You can't
eat a sandwich without
Dijon.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really
should keep more of your
favourites on hand.
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.
What, are you unhappy
with our arrangement?
JERRY
What arrangement?
KRAMER
Well, I was under the impression that
I could take anything I
Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want
from mine.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when
you get something in there
and I will.
Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and
she's
Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. What's with your neck?
ELAINE
Still killing me from having to get
that bike off the wall.
(pointedly) By myself.
JERRY
Well, if it's any consolation, I did
get her number.
ELAINE
(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained
it. Ow.
JERRY
Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you
pulled it.
ELAINE
Ach, maybe.
JERRY
Did you twist it? You coulda twisted
it.
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe
you squeezed it. Turned
it...
ELAINE
(patience exhausted) You know what,
why don't you just shut the
hell up?
JERRY
Awright.
ELAINE
God. Man, this is killing me. Right
now, I would give that bike
to the first person who could make this pain go away.
KRAMER
Aw, you really hurting, huh?
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.
KRAMER
Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.
Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for
her neck.
KRAMER
Alright, lean forward, relax.
ELAINE
(worried) What? What?
KRAMER
Encounter shiatsu.
Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.
ELAINE
Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what
you're doing here?
KRAMER
(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise
man once taught me the
Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
ELAINE
Ah hah.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside
the World Trade Centre.
ELAINE
(seriously worried) Wha...?
KRAMER
He's a genius. Here we go...
Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine
looks
Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the
arm of the
couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.
KRAMER
From pain, will come pleasure.
Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a
loud
Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go
of her head and
steps away, job done.
KRAMER
Uh? Voila.
ELAINE
(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.
ELAINE
Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain
is totally gone!
JERRY
What's even more amazing is his formal
training is in
paediatrics.
KRAMER
Awright, my work is done here.
Kramer heads for the door.
ELAINE
(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!
KRAMER
(closing the door) Yeah, you can send
that bike over any time.
ELAINE
(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,
what is he talking about?
JERRY
I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said
you'd give the bike to
anyone who fixes your neck.
ELAINE
You really think he wants the bike?
JERRY
Oh yeah.
ELAINE
It took him like ten seconds!
JERRY
Well, that's the most he's worked in
the last four months.
(George's Car)
George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is
happy,
smiling and whistling.
GEORGE
I think they really went for that Soda.
SUSAN
What, are you crazy? They hated it.
They were just humouring
you.
GEORGE
Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's
gonna be called Soda.
SUSAN
I can tell you, I would never name my
child Soda.
GEORGE
Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great
name for our kids. A
Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?
SUSAN
Yeah.
George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying
the
Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.
SUSAN
What is that? Sign language?
GEORGE
No, Seven.
SUSAN
Seven Costanza? You're serious?
GEORGE
Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy
or a girl...
Susan scoffs.
GEORGE
...especially a girl. Or a boy.
SUSAN
I don't think so.
GEORGE
What, you don't like the name?
SUSAN
It's not a name. It's a number.
GEORGE
I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.
So not only is it an all
Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.
SUSAN
It's awful. I hate it!
GEORGE
(angry) Well, that's the name!
SUSAN
(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child
of mine is ever going to
be named Seven!
GEORGE
(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm
here! Don't get all
crazy on me!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just
told him
about his contretemps with Susan.
JERRY
Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.
Seven. Seven periods of
school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,
and eventually
seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
GEORGE
(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come
up with a better name
than Seven.
Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.
JERRY
Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks
up the mug) Mug
Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or
uh, Ketchup?
Pretty name for a girl.
GEORGE
Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over
the
array of good within.
JERRY
I got fifty right here in the cupboard.
How about Bisquik?
Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
GEORGE
(shouts) Awright already!! This is a
very key issue with me,
Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.
JERRY
Oh, I forgot to call Christie.
GEORGE
Christie? That's the one you met in
the antique store?
JERRY
Yeah, she had this great black and white
dress, with a scoop
neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.
GEORGE
And you met her in an antique store!
I don't know how you do
it!
JERRY
(smug) I'm not engaged.
George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small
goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.
KRAMER
Ah, I got it.
JERRY
Got what?
KRAMER
(putting the items on the counter) Got
the answer, Jerry.
Refrigerator problem, is solved.
JERRY
Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever
you want.
KRAMER
Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.
Alright, I take what I
want.
Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.
KRAMER
Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One
cupcake." And then I
put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and
drops it into the
bowl) There. Very simple.
JERRY
Sort of a mooching inventory.
KRAMER
No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end
of the week, you add 'em
all up, and you give me the bill.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Alright, now look I gotta run some errands,
so look. When
Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?
George passes by as he goes to the fridge.
JERRY
Kramer, I don't know if you're getting
that bike.
KRAMER
Yes I am. We had a verbal contract.
If we can't take each other
at our word, all is lost.
George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.
Kramer
hears the hiss, and notices George.
KRAMER
(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.
Put that on my tab.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long
coats,
Fastened to the collar.
JERRY
Well this is it. The food is atrocious,
but the busboys are the
best in the city.
A member of staff approaches.
MAITRE D'
May I take your coat, miss?
CHRISTIE
Yes, thank you.
The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing
that
she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique
store. Jerry
looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks
at him.
(Monks')
Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.
George
Fingers his chin thoughtfully.
GEORGE
The same outfit?
JERRY
The exact same outfit.
GEORGE
How many days was it between encounters.
JERRY
Three.
GEORGE
Three days. Well, maybe you caught her
on the cusp of a new
wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,
everything got
clean and she started all over again.
JERRY
Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit
only reappear again at
the end of the cycle?
GEORGE
Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
JERRY
Why? It's our first date, she's already
in reruns?
GEORGE
Very curious.
JERRY
Indeed.
GEORGE
You know, Einstein wore the exact same
outfit every day.
JERRY
Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let
it slide.
GEORGE
(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading
home.
JERRY
Hey, did Susan change her mind about
the name?
GEORGE
(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.
JERRY
You know, George, just because your
life is destroyed, don't
Destroy someone else's.
GEORGE
It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.
JERRY
How about 'Mickey'?
GEORGE
'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!
George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,
and a
cigar in his mouth.
KRAMER
Hey buddy.
JERRY
(holding up a can) Hey, is this your
half a can of soda in the
fridge?
KRAMER
No, that's yours. My half is gone.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, I put my half a can here on the
tab. Why, what's your
beef?
JERRY
You cannot buy half a can of soda.
KRAMER
Well, why not.
JERRY
Well, I don't wanna get into the whole
physics of carbonation
with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open
it?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
That is the sound of you buying a whole
can. And the same goes
for this, okay...
Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large
bite.
JERRY
...When you pierce the skin of a piece
of fruit, you've bought
the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...
Jerry hold up a half banana.
KRAMER
Alright.
JERRY
...You bite it, you bought it.
KRAMER
Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary
adjustments, alright.
JERRY
Thank you.
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?
Nice and loose?
ELAINE
Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting
this bike. I don't even
know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.
KRAMER
(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.
We had a deal.
ELAINE
No we didn't. You take these things
too literally. It's like
saying,
you're hungry enough to eat a horse.
KRAMER
Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider
eats horse all the time. He
gets it from his butcher.
ELAINE
This is not the point. (emphatic) The
point is, you just can't
have the bike.
KRAMER
Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening
the door) You are
the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,
George, yeah, I
can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...
Kramer holds one hand up above his head.
KRAMER
I always put you up here...
Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.
KRAMER
...They're over here. Now you're...
aww-whawww.
Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.
He
leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with
her conscience. There
is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes
in his head,
expectantly.
ELAINE
(grudging) Alright.
KRAMER
(points) Digidi.
Kramer leaves and closes the door again.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner.
GEORGE
Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's
a real original, nobody
else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.
SUSAN
Well, I dunno how original it's gonna
be any more.
GEORGE
Why not?
SUSAN
Well I was telling Carrie about our
argument, and when I told
them the name, they just loved it.
GEORGE
So, what're you saying?
SUSAN
They're gonna name their baby Seven.
GEORGE
(disbelief) What?! They're stealing
the name?! That's my name,
I made it up!
SUSAN
I can't believe that they're using it.
GEORGE
(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!
It's gonna lose
all its cachet!
SUSAN
I dunno how much cachet it had to begin
with.
GEORGE
(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's
got cachet up the
yin-yang!
(Elaine's Apartment)
Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises
herself
from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of
agony crosses her
face.
ELAINE
(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)
Kramer!
(Street)
Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has
her head
Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A
guy coming the
other way gives her a warning.
MAN
Watch your step.
Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field
of vision.
ELAINE
(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.
Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.
CHRISTIE
Excuse me. Elaine?
Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.
ELAINE
Huh?
Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her
head
and neck.
CHRISTIE
Over here. I thought that was you. You're
Jerry's friend,
right?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?
CHRISTIE
Yes. How y'doing?
ELAINE
(bearing up) I'm fine.
CHRISTIE
Well, I gotta run. It was good to see
you.
Christie walks away.
ELAINE
(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good
to, good to see you.
Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and
ringing
the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.
VOICE 1
Lookin' good.
VOICE 2
Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.
KRAMER
You got that right!
A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.
KID
(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's
bike.
Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.
ELAINE
(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!
(Outside Apartment Building)
George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular
apartment.
KEN
Hello.
GEORGE
Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I
think we need to talk.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.
ELAINE
(angry shout) Kramer!
Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at
Kramer's
door.
ELAINE
Kramer!!
JERRY
Hey
Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.
ELAINE
Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little
joyride yet?
Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
ELAINE
His chiropractic job was a crock. It's
even worse than it was
before.
Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as
she
moves.
JERRY
Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would
think Kramer would have a
knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.
ELAINE
Hey, you know what, I think I ran into
that girl from the
antique store. What's her name, Christie?
JERRY
You saw her? What was she wearing?
ELAINE
I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't
look down because of
my neck.
JERRY
Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?
ELAINE
What d'you care?
JERRY
Both times I've seen her she's worn
the same dress.
There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it
into
Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the
couch, past the
TV and is heading for the door.
ELAINE
Did you have a nice ride?
KRAMER
Oh, great ride.
ELAINE
Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!
Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides
straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,
then makes his
stumbling way upright again.
KRAMER
What're you talking about?! We had a
deal!
ELAINE
(anger) You better give me back that
bike! (indicating neck)
Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this
morning.
KRAMER
Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden
board for at least a
week.
ELAINE
What? You never told me that.
KRAMER
Well, it's common sense.
ELAINE
Jerry, what is he talking about? He's
being ridiculous.
KRAMER
Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole
story, you should
settle this.
ELAINE
Yeah Jerry.
JERRY
Well, I'm flattered that you would both
appeal to my wisdom, but
unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting
involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.
ELAINE
Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go
for that?
KRAMER
Alright, I'm down.
JERRY
Course, it would have to be someone
who hasn't heard the story
before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.
Someone whose
heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or
human emotion of
any kind.
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head
tilted
back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying
to give an
Impression of limitless wisdom.
ELAINE
So, that's the situation.
NEWMAN
Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma.
Each of you seemingly
has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can
have only one
rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I
believe the law is
all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from
the savages
who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)
Stuffing parcels
into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
KRAMER
Newman!
Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.
NEWMAN
...But, you must promise That you will
abide by my decision, no
Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your
word?
KRAMER
Uh, yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah.
NEWMAN
Alright, let's begin.
Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single
'ting' of a microwave.
NEWMAN
(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.
(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)
Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is
explaining about Seven.
KEN
Why can't we use Seven?
GEORGE
It's my name. I made it up. You can't
just steal it.
CARRIE
Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.
You've already postponed
The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.
GEORGE
Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.
I'm not a waffler. I don't
waffle!
KEN
Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle
fans, and we love the name.
It's very unusual.
GEORGE
(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I
thought we all agreed on
Soda.
KEN
(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.
GEORGE
You don't care for Soda?!
CARRIE
(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda
at all!
GEORGE
(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!
It's bubbly, it's
refreshing!
Carrie jumps and gives a cry.
CARRIE
Oh!
KEN
What is it?
CARRIE
I felt something.
KEN
Are you okay, honey?
CARRIE
I think I'm going into labour.
George flashes a panicked expression.
KEN
Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.
Let's just get to the
hospital...
Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.
CARRIE
Okay.
KEN
...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,
right here.
Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.
George trails along behind them, making suggestions.
GEORGE
What about Six?
Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.
GEORGE
Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.
Ken has left, George follows out the door.
GEORGE
Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!
George closes the door behind him.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while
Jerry
leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact
that Christie is
wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous
meetings.
CHRISTIE
Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.
JERRY
No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.
CHRISTIE
I know exactly what you mean.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure you do.
Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews
thoughtfully.
JERRY
What in god's name is going on here?
Is she wearing the
same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full
of these, like
Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing
the
shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.
CHRISTIE
(horrified) Oh my god!
JERRY
Oh.
Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only
so much
you can do.
CHRISTIE
Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this.
Do you mind if we go
back to my apartment, so I can change?
JERRY
Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's
a super idea.
(Ken and Carrie's Car)
Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up
as you'd
expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making
one last
attempt to save his name.
CARRIE
Are we almost there?
KEN
Just keep breathing, okay.
CARRIE
(deep breaths) Okay, okay.
KEN
Okay.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,
I kinda promised the widow
Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.
As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.
KEN
Now's not the best time, George!
GEORGE
(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,
and boy...
KEN
(firm) George! She's in labour!
GEORGE
(angry shout) So am I!
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's
arbitration.
NEWMAN
Well, you've both presented very convincing
arguments. On the
one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it
not still a promise? Hmm?
Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one
up.
NEWMAN
And, Kramer, you did provide a service
in exchange for
compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer
to some assurance
Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions
to answer.
Not for any man...
Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
as she can while only being able to look upwards.
NEWMAN
...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)
We will cut the
bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
ELAINE
(shout) What?! This is your solution?!
To ruin the bike?!
Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across
at
the bike, looking worried.
ELAINE
Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)
Cut the stupid thing
in half.
KRAMER
No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather
it belonged to another
than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
NEWMAN
Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's
true owner would rather
give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
ELAINE
What?!
KRAMER
Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.
ELAINE
(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,
my neck is still
hurting me,
and now you have the bike?!
KRAMER
Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm
going for a ride.
Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell
as he
goes.
(Christie's Apartment)
Christie leads Jerry into her home.
CHRISTIE
Here we are.
JERRY
(looking around) Ah, so this is the
Fortress of Solitude.
Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.
CHRISTIE
Well, I guess I'll go change.
JERRY
Yes, change. By all means, change.
Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and
sits
down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices
a small framed
picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing
the same black and
White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,
reading a date
written on the photo.
JERRY
August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.
The same dress!
She never
changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds
of these
dresses.
Jerry gets up from his seat.
JERRY
There must be a secret stash around
here somewhere.
Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting
about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and
looking indignant
at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.
CHRISTIE
Ahem! Are you looking for something?
JERRY
What're you doing? I thought you were
changing.
CHRISTIE
No, I, I'm thinking we should just call
it a night.
JERRY
No, no. C'mon, put something else on.
It's early, let's go out.
CHRISTIE
If it's all the same to you, I think
I'm just gonna go to
bed.
Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.
JERRY
You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe
I'll just sleep here on
The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk
out
together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the
same clothes. You'll
of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.
But we'll go
downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.
CHRISTIE
(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.
Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.
JERRY
You wanna throw something on and walk
me to a cab?
CHRISTIE
(gesturing) Get out.
Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes
it
on him.
JERRY
(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing
tomorrow. I'll help you
lay it out on the bed.
(Hospital)
Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's
doing her
breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George
also
hustles along the corridor with the group.
KEN
Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, you're really
being very selfish. It
would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself
every now and then!
CARRIE
(shouts) I'm having a baby!!
The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the
delivery
room. Ken turns to face George.
KEN
George, you're not getting Seven! Now
get outta here!!
Ken strides into the delivery room.
GEORGE
(desperate) Please! I have so little!
George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.
ORDERLY
Sorry sir, it's family only.
The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen
through
The window.
GEORGE
I'm family. I'm having sex with the
cousin!
George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's
crying as
He screams.
GEORGE
Seven!!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal
in the
kitchen.
JERRY
Hello, Christie? I was wondering if
we could get together again?
(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the
phone.
C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be
one on one, you can
bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang
up on me.
(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.
Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.
KRAMER
(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,
if you're gonna be snacking
On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.
JERRY
Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put
a damper on your little
Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up
your tab.
Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.
Kramer takes a look.
KRAMER
(does a double take) Yikes.
JERRY
I know. Pretty steep.
KRAMER
Well, I don't have this kind of cash.
JERRY
Few do.
KRAMER
I'm good for it.
JERRY
Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...
Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's
hands.
JERRY
...the food court is closed.
KRAMER
(opening the door) Alright. I'll get
that money for you in five
minutes. And, don't eat any more.
Kramer leaves at a run.
(Street)
Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.
ELAINE
Hey, that's my bike!
Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the
Schwinn
for all he's worth. He rings the bell.
NEWMAN
Gangway!
ELAINE
This is my bike!
Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.
NEWMAN
Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from
Kramer. He was hard up for
cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course,
I had to make
some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,
heavy duty
shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.
Newman begins to ride away.
ELAINE
(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme
back that bike. Newman,
gimme...
Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.
NEWMAN
Hey!! Help me!
The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and
a
determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.
(End),
7.13 "The Seven"
EPISODE NUMBER
123
ORIGINAL AIR DATE
February 01, 1996
WRITTEN BY
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
DIRECTED BY
Andy Ackerman
GUEST CAST
Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken)
Shannon Holt (Carrie)
Lisa Deanne (Christie)
Charles Emmett (Orderly)
David Richards (Maitre d')
Matthew McCurley (Kid)
Josh Abramson (Man #1)
Steve Artiaga (Man #2)
Cheryl Hunter (Woman)
(Nightclub)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
I love it when people are complimented
on something they're
wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them.
"Nice tie." "Well,
thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie,
it's not for
you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get
compliments for
us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human
qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person
you are, nobody's gonna come
Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and
just try and
match the colours up.
(Antique Toy Store)
Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.
They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,
puppets, etc.
ELAINE
(awed) Oh, look at this!
JERRY
Boy, I miss the days they made toys
that could kill a kid.
Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned
girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket
on the front.
ELAINE
(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!
Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive
woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing
a dress of
mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and
white on the chest
and arms.
JERRY
(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right
there with ya.
ELAINE
(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!
And it's the girl's
model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.
Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the
store,
and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she
goes, she notices
and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious
to Elaine's
voice.
ELAINE
What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?
JERRY
(tearing himself away from Christie)
Huh?
ELAINE
What d'you think?
JERRY
Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.
ELAINE
(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.
Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.
ELAINE
Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.
CHRISTIE
I think your friend needs some help
over there.
JERRY
You know, the only way to really help
her is to just let her be.
Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the
bike off
the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves
too much and she
falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the
bike pinning her
down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,
so she rings
the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away
from Christie.
ELAINE
Hey!
Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie
is
Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.
SUSAN
A little baby girl?
KEN
Doctor says it could be any day now.
GEORGE
(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,
you and Susan are
cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,
right? So what
does that make me?
CARRIE
Doesn't make you anything.
GEORGE
(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could
marry your daughter.
George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.
Ken and
Carrie look perturbed.
SUSAN
So, have you picked out a name yet?
CARRIE
Well, we've narrowed it down to a few.
We like Kimberley.
SUSAN
Aww.
GEORGE
(negative) Hu-ho, boy.
KEN
You don't like Kimberley?
GEORGE
Ech. What else you got?
KEN
How about Joan?
GEORGE
Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
SUSAN
(warning) George!
CARRIE
Pamela?
GEORGE
Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You
look like nice people,
I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
KEN
What?
GEORGE
Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
CARRIE
I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
GEORGE
All names sound strange the first time
you hear 'em. What, you
Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they
heard it?
KEN
Yeah, but uh... Soda?
GEORGE
Yeah, that's right. It's working.
CARRIE
We'll put it on the list.
GEORGE
I solve problems. That's just what I
do.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is
building
A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles
sliced
meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
by the way
Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.
KRAMER
(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh
boy. Mmm, that's good.
JERRY
You're really going to town with that
turkey there.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.
Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.
KRAMER
Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.
JERRY
It's on the door.
KRAMER
(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)
What, this yellow stuff?
No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.
Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.
KRAMER
Ah, 's no good.
Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread
on,
and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits
out the mouthful he's
taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next
to it.
KRAMER
No. That's bush league.
Kramer heads toward the door.
JERRY
Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're
gonna leave it there?
That's like half a pound of turkey!
KRAMER
No, no, I can't eat that. You can't
eat a sandwich without
Dijon.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really
should keep more of your
favourites on hand.
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.
What, are you unhappy
with our arrangement?
JERRY
What arrangement?
KRAMER
Well, I was under the impression that
I could take anything I
Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want
from mine.
JERRY
(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when
you get something in there
and I will.
Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and
she's
Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. What's with your neck?
ELAINE
Still killing me from having to get
that bike off the wall.
(pointedly) By myself.
JERRY
Well, if it's any consolation, I did
get her number.
ELAINE
(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained
it. Ow.
JERRY
Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you
pulled it.
ELAINE
Ach, maybe.
JERRY
Did you twist it? You coulda twisted
it.
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe
you squeezed it. Turned
it...
ELAINE
(patience exhausted) You know what,
why don't you just shut the
hell up?
JERRY
Awright.
ELAINE
God. Man, this is killing me. Right
now, I would give that bike
to the first person who could make this pain go away.
KRAMER
Aw, you really hurting, huh?
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.
KRAMER
Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.
Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for
her neck.
KRAMER
Alright, lean forward, relax.
ELAINE
(worried) What? What?
KRAMER
Encounter shiatsu.
Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.
ELAINE
Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what
you're doing here?
KRAMER
(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise
man once taught me the
Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
ELAINE
Ah hah.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside
the World Trade Centre.
ELAINE
(seriously worried) Wha...?
KRAMER
He's a genius. Here we go...
Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine
looks
Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the
arm of the
couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.
KRAMER
From pain, will come pleasure.
Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a
loud
Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go
of her head and
steps away, job done.
KRAMER
Uh? Voila.
ELAINE
(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.
ELAINE
Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain
is totally gone!
JERRY
What's even more amazing is his formal
training is in
paediatrics.
KRAMER
Awright, my work is done here.
Kramer heads for the door.
ELAINE
(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!
KRAMER
(closing the door) Yeah, you can send
that bike over any time.
ELAINE
(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,
what is he talking about?
JERRY
I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said
you'd give the bike to
anyone who fixes your neck.
ELAINE
You really think he wants the bike?
JERRY
Oh yeah.
ELAINE
It took him like ten seconds!
JERRY
Well, that's the most he's worked in
the last four months.
(George's Car)
George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is
happy,
smiling and whistling.
GEORGE
I think they really went for that Soda.
SUSAN
What, are you crazy? They hated it.
They were just humouring
you.
GEORGE
Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's
gonna be called Soda.
SUSAN
I can tell you, I would never name my
child Soda.
GEORGE
Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great
name for our kids. A
Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?
SUSAN
Yeah.
George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying
the
Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.
SUSAN
What is that? Sign language?
GEORGE
No, Seven.
SUSAN
Seven Costanza? You're serious?
GEORGE
Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy
or a girl...
Susan scoffs.
GEORGE
...especially a girl. Or a boy.
SUSAN
I don't think so.
GEORGE
What, you don't like the name?
SUSAN
It's not a name. It's a number.
GEORGE
I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.
So not only is it an all
Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.
SUSAN
It's awful. I hate it!
GEORGE
(angry) Well, that's the name!
SUSAN
(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child
of mine is ever going to
be named Seven!
GEORGE
(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm
here! Don't get all
crazy on me!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just
told him
about his contretemps with Susan.
JERRY
Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.
Seven. Seven periods of
school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,
and eventually
seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
GEORGE
(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come
up with a better name
than Seven.
Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.
JERRY
Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks
up the mug) Mug
Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or
uh, Ketchup?
Pretty name for a girl.
GEORGE
Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over
the
array of good within.
JERRY
I got fifty right here in the cupboard.
How about Bisquik?
Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
GEORGE
(shouts) Awright already!! This is a
very key issue with me,
Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.
JERRY
Oh, I forgot to call Christie.
GEORGE
Christie? That's the one you met in
the antique store?
JERRY
Yeah, she had this great black and white
dress, with a scoop
neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.
GEORGE
And you met her in an antique store!
I don't know how you do
it!
JERRY
(smug) I'm not engaged.
George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small
goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.
KRAMER
Ah, I got it.
JERRY
Got what?
KRAMER
(putting the items on the counter) Got
the answer, Jerry.
Refrigerator problem, is solved.
JERRY
Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever
you want.
KRAMER
Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.
Alright, I take what I
want.
Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.
KRAMER
Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One
cupcake." And then I
put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and
drops it into the
bowl) There. Very simple.
JERRY
Sort of a mooching inventory.
KRAMER
No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end
of the week, you add 'em
all up, and you give me the bill.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Alright, now look I gotta run some errands,
so look. When
Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?
George passes by as he goes to the fridge.
JERRY
Kramer, I don't know if you're getting
that bike.
KRAMER
Yes I am. We had a verbal contract.
If we can't take each other
at our word, all is lost.
George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.
Kramer
hears the hiss, and notices George.
KRAMER
(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.
Put that on my tab.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long
coats,
Fastened to the collar.
JERRY
Well this is it. The food is atrocious,
but the busboys are the
best in the city.
A member of staff approaches.
MAITRE D'
May I take your coat, miss?
CHRISTIE
Yes, thank you.
The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing
that
she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique
store. Jerry
looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks
at him.
(Monks')
Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.
George
Fingers his chin thoughtfully.
GEORGE
The same outfit?
JERRY
The exact same outfit.
GEORGE
How many days was it between encounters.
JERRY
Three.
GEORGE
Three days. Well, maybe you caught her
on the cusp of a new
wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,
everything got
clean and she started all over again.
JERRY
Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit
only reappear again at
the end of the cycle?
GEORGE
Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
JERRY
Why? It's our first date, she's already
in reruns?
GEORGE
Very curious.
JERRY
Indeed.
GEORGE
You know, Einstein wore the exact same
outfit every day.
JERRY
Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let
it slide.
GEORGE
(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading
home.
JERRY
Hey, did Susan change her mind about
the name?
GEORGE
(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.
JERRY
You know, George, just because your
life is destroyed, don't
Destroy someone else's.
GEORGE
It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.
JERRY
How about 'Mickey'?
GEORGE
'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!
George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,
and a
cigar in his mouth.
KRAMER
Hey buddy.
JERRY
(holding up a can) Hey, is this your
half a can of soda in the
fridge?
KRAMER
No, that's yours. My half is gone.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, I put my half a can here on the
tab. Why, what's your
beef?
JERRY
You cannot buy half a can of soda.
KRAMER
Well, why not.
JERRY
Well, I don't wanna get into the whole
physics of carbonation
with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open
it?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
That is the sound of you buying a whole
can. And the same goes
for this, okay...
Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large
bite.
JERRY
...When you pierce the skin of a piece
of fruit, you've bought
the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...
Jerry hold up a half banana.
KRAMER
Alright.
JERRY
...You bite it, you bought it.
KRAMER
Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary
adjustments, alright.
JERRY
Thank you.
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?
Nice and loose?
ELAINE
Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting
this bike. I don't even
know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.
KRAMER
(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.
We had a deal.
ELAINE
No we didn't. You take these things
too literally. It's like
saying,
you're hungry enough to eat a horse.
KRAMER
Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider
eats horse all the time. He
gets it from his butcher.
ELAINE
This is not the point. (emphatic) The
point is, you just can't
have the bike.
KRAMER
Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening
the door) You are
the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,
George, yeah, I
can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...
Kramer holds one hand up above his head.
KRAMER
I always put you up here...
Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.
KRAMER
...They're over here. Now you're...
aww-whawww.
Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.
He
leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with
her conscience. There
is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes
in his head,
expectantly.
ELAINE
(grudging) Alright.
KRAMER
(points) Digidi.
Kramer leaves and closes the door again.
(Restaurant)
George and Susan are having dinner.
GEORGE
Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's
a real original, nobody
else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.
SUSAN
Well, I dunno how original it's gonna
be any more.
GEORGE
Why not?
SUSAN
Well I was telling Carrie about our
argument, and when I told
them the name, they just loved it.
GEORGE
So, what're you saying?
SUSAN
They're gonna name their baby Seven.
GEORGE
(disbelief) What?! They're stealing
the name?! That's my name,
I made it up!
SUSAN
I can't believe that they're using it.
GEORGE
(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!
It's gonna lose
all its cachet!
SUSAN
I dunno how much cachet it had to begin
with.
GEORGE
(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's
got cachet up the
yin-yang!
(Elaine's Apartment)
Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises
herself
from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of
agony crosses her
face.
ELAINE
(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)
Kramer!
(Street)
Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has
her head
Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A
guy coming the
other way gives her a warning.
MAN
Watch your step.
Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field
of vision.
ELAINE
(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.
Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.
CHRISTIE
Excuse me. Elaine?
Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.
ELAINE
Huh?
Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her
head
and neck.
CHRISTIE
Over here. I thought that was you. You're
Jerry's friend,
right?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?
CHRISTIE
Yes. How y'doing?
ELAINE
(bearing up) I'm fine.
CHRISTIE
Well, I gotta run. It was good to see
you.
Christie walks away.
ELAINE
(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good
to, good to see you.
Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and
ringing
the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.
VOICE 1
Lookin' good.
VOICE 2
Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.
KRAMER
You got that right!
A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.
KID
(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's
bike.
Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.
ELAINE
(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!
(Outside Apartment Building)
George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular
apartment.
KEN
Hello.
GEORGE
Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I
think we need to talk.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.
ELAINE
(angry shout) Kramer!
Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at
Kramer's
door.
ELAINE
Kramer!!
JERRY
Hey
Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.
ELAINE
Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little
joyride yet?
Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
ELAINE
His chiropractic job was a crock. It's
even worse than it was
before.
Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as
she
moves.
JERRY
Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would
think Kramer would have a
knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.
ELAINE
Hey, you know what, I think I ran into
that girl from the
antique store. What's her name, Christie?
JERRY
You saw her? What was she wearing?
ELAINE
I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't
look down because of
my neck.
JERRY
Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?
ELAINE
What d'you care?
JERRY
Both times I've seen her she's worn
the same dress.
There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it
into
Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the
couch, past the
TV and is heading for the door.
ELAINE
Did you have a nice ride?
KRAMER
Oh, great ride.
ELAINE
Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!
Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides
straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,
then makes his
stumbling way upright again.
KRAMER
What're you talking about?! We had a
deal!
ELAINE
(anger) You better give me back that
bike! (indicating neck)
Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this
morning.
KRAMER
Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden
board for at least a
week.
ELAINE
What? You never told me that.
KRAMER
Well, it's common sense.
ELAINE
Jerry, what is he talking about? He's
being ridiculous.
KRAMER
Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole
story, you should
settle this.
ELAINE
Yeah Jerry.
JERRY
Well, I'm flattered that you would both
appeal to my wisdom, but
unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting
involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.
ELAINE
Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go
for that?
KRAMER
Alright, I'm down.
JERRY
Course, it would have to be someone
who hasn't heard the story
before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.
Someone whose
heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or
human emotion of
any kind.
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head
tilted
back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying
to give an
Impression of limitless wisdom.
ELAINE
So, that's the situation.
NEWMAN
Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma.
Each of you seemingly
has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can
have only one
rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I
believe the law is
all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from
the savages
who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)
Stuffing parcels
into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
KRAMER
Newman!
Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.
NEWMAN
...But, you must promise That you will
abide by my decision, no
Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your
word?
KRAMER
Uh, yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah.
NEWMAN
Alright, let's begin.
Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single
'ting' of a microwave.
NEWMAN
(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.
(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)
Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is
explaining about Seven.
KEN
Why can't we use Seven?
GEORGE
It's my name. I made it up. You can't
just steal it.
CARRIE
Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.
You've already postponed
The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.
GEORGE
Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.
I'm not a waffler. I don't
waffle!
KEN
Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle
fans, and we love the name.
It's very unusual.
GEORGE
(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I
thought we all agreed on
Soda.
KEN
(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.
GEORGE
You don't care for Soda?!
CARRIE
(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda
at all!
GEORGE
(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!
It's bubbly, it's
refreshing!
Carrie jumps and gives a cry.
CARRIE
Oh!
KEN
What is it?
CARRIE
I felt something.
KEN
Are you okay, honey?
CARRIE
I think I'm going into labour.
George flashes a panicked expression.
KEN
Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.
Let's just get to the
hospital...
Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.
CARRIE
Okay.
KEN
...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,
right here.
Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.
George trails along behind them, making suggestions.
GEORGE
What about Six?
Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.
GEORGE
Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.
Ken has left, George follows out the door.
GEORGE
Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!
George closes the door behind him.
(Restaurant)
Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while
Jerry
leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact
that Christie is
wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous
meetings.
CHRISTIE
Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.
JERRY
No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.
CHRISTIE
I know exactly what you mean.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure you do.
Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews
thoughtfully.
JERRY
What in god's name is going on here?
Is she wearing the
same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full
of these, like
Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing
the
shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.
CHRISTIE
(horrified) Oh my god!
JERRY
Oh.
Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only
so much
you can do.
CHRISTIE
Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this.
Do you mind if we go
back to my apartment, so I can change?
JERRY
Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's
a super idea.
(Ken and Carrie's Car)
Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up
as you'd
expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making
one last
attempt to save his name.
CARRIE
Are we almost there?
KEN
Just keep breathing, okay.
CARRIE
(deep breaths) Okay, okay.
KEN
Okay.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,
I kinda promised the widow
Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.
As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.
KEN
Now's not the best time, George!
GEORGE
(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,
and boy...
KEN
(firm) George! She's in labour!
GEORGE
(angry shout) So am I!
(Newman's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's
arbitration.
NEWMAN
Well, you've both presented very convincing
arguments. On the
one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it
not still a promise? Hmm?
Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one
up.
NEWMAN
And, Kramer, you did provide a service
in exchange for
compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer
to some assurance
Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions
to answer.
Not for any man...
Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
as she can while only being able to look upwards.
NEWMAN
...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)
We will cut the
bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
ELAINE
(shout) What?! This is your solution?!
To ruin the bike?!
Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across
at
the bike, looking worried.
ELAINE
Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)
Cut the stupid thing
in half.
KRAMER
No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather
it belonged to another
than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
NEWMAN
Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's
true owner would rather
give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
ELAINE
What?!
KRAMER
Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.
ELAINE
(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,
my neck is still
hurting me,
and now you have the bike?!
KRAMER
Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm
going for a ride.
Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell
as he
goes.
(Christie's Apartment)
Christie leads Jerry into her home.
CHRISTIE
Here we are.
JERRY
(looking around) Ah, so this is the
Fortress of Solitude.
Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.
CHRISTIE
Well, I guess I'll go change.
JERRY
Yes, change. By all means, change.
Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and
sits
down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices
a small framed
picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing
the same black and
White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,
reading a date
written on the photo.
JERRY
August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.
The same dress!
She never
changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds
of these
dresses.
Jerry gets up from his seat.
JERRY
There must be a secret stash around
here somewhere.
Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting
about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and
looking indignant
at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.
CHRISTIE
Ahem! Are you looking for something?
JERRY
What're you doing? I thought you were
changing.
CHRISTIE
No, I, I'm thinking we should just call
it a night.
JERRY
No, no. C'mon, put something else on.
It's early, let's go out.
CHRISTIE
If it's all the same to you, I think
I'm just gonna go to
bed.
Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.
JERRY
You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe
I'll just sleep here on
The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk
out
together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the
same clothes. You'll
of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.
But we'll go
downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.
CHRISTIE
(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.
Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.
JERRY
You wanna throw something on and walk
me to a cab?
CHRISTIE
(gesturing) Get out.
Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes
it
on him.
JERRY
(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing
tomorrow. I'll help you
lay it out on the bed.
(Hospital)
Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's
doing her
breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George
also
hustles along the corridor with the group.
KEN
Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.
GEORGE
(to Carrie) You know, you're really
being very selfish. It
would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself
every now and then!
CARRIE
(shouts) I'm having a baby!!
The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the
delivery
room. Ken turns to face George.
KEN
George, you're not getting Seven! Now
get outta here!!
Ken strides into the delivery room.
GEORGE
(desperate) Please! I have so little!
George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.
ORDERLY
Sorry sir, it's family only.
The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen
through
The window.
GEORGE
I'm family. I'm having sex with the
cousin!
George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's
crying as
He screams.
GEORGE
Seven!!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal
in the
kitchen.
JERRY
Hello, Christie? I was wondering if
we could get together again?
(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the
phone.
C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be
one on one, you can
bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang
up on me.
(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.
Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.
KRAMER
(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,
if you're gonna be snacking on these,
you can't expect me to pay for the whole
box.
JERRY
Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put
a damper on your little
Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up
your tab.
Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.
Kramer takes a look.
KRAMER
(does a double take) Yikes.
JERRY
I know. Pretty steep.
KRAMER
Well, I don't have this kind of cash.
JERRY
Few do.
KRAMER
I'm good for it.
JERRY
Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...
Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's
hands.
JERRY
...the food court is closed.
KRAMER
(opening the door) Alright. I'll get
that money for you in five minutes.
And, don't eat any more.
Kramer leaves at a run.
(Street)
Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.
ELAINE
Hey, that's my bike!
Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the
Schwinn
for all he's worth. He rings the bell.
NEWMAN
Gangway!
ELAINE
This is my bike!
Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.
NEWMAN
Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from
Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty
bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it?
Of course, I had to make some minor
modifications, you know. Solid tires,
reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks.
But, baby, this is one sweet ride.
Newman begins to ride away.
ELAINE
(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme
back that bike. Newman, gimme...
Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.
NEWMAN
Hey!! Help me!
The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and
a determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a
struggle.
THE END
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